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The 432 Mar 10, 2000

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Array Together at Last
Volume 9 Issue 8
Girls just wanna have beer
March 9, 2000
Volume i 3 Number 11
10 March 2000
Tuition Freeze Lifted
University Demands $2000 in Back Tuition
by Angel Mansfield
& Noelle de Luca	
Those    wondering    what    BC
Premier   Ujjal   Dosanjh   meant
when   he   exclaimed,   "Students,
dig   deep   into   your   pockets,"
found out with the arrival of this
morning's mail. Full time registered  students  have ___^__
been confronted with
the first in a series
of notices   from   the
University   demanding  up  to  $2000  in
back tuition, retroactive to January.
"After having
weighed the options, __
this   is   the   only   way
we can
maintain the standards of education while continuing to fuel the
ever-increasing provincial economy," stated Dosanjh at a press
conference. "With the pressure
lifted off the government to
absorb the costs of higher education, we can use our resources to
fund such projects as improved
health   care,   new  hospitals   for
small communities, an expanded
social assistance program, and in
particular, the new PacifiBat
Fast Bat Hovercraft service from
Richmond to Bowen Island."
Student    groups    across    the
provinces    disagree    with    the
Premier's   stance.   "Most   of the
students in this province that go
to university do so
because  they  can't
afford   to   go   anywhere else," said a
spokesperson      for
the    AMS.     "Now
-AMSthey   have   raised
the tuition fees by
Spokesperson what, 300%? No one
will    be    able    to
school   here   except   for
Commerce   students   and
is  still  on  OSI.  Like,
...UBC is
does anyone keep that after first
year? I think not. I can unequivocally state that UBC is
Several students contacted by
the 432 and the Underground are
scrambling to relocate as soon as
possible.   Fourth   year   biochem-
April 6
.rackets early!
Ev«fry Ffiday, Bucii A200
' -   ■ ' ■'"   ''<
...Ralph Klein...
a savior of
i post-secondary
istry student Jason Emmery has
already phoned and e-mailed several universities in Alberta, in
the hopes of transferring midyear. "Just the fact that I'm even
considering moving to Alberta,
home of the cowboy boot wearing,
pick-up truck
driving, beer-guzzling private
healthcare rednecks just so
can get a better
education is so
sad I think I'm
going to cry. I
mean, who ever
thought that
Ralph Klein would be considered
a savior of post-secondary education?"
The NDP is downplaying the
possible effects of the student
exodus. Cabinet Minster Joy
McPhail stated, "There is plenty
of work out there. Not only is the
PacifiBat looking for fry-cooks,
but if you don't smoke, there's
lots of work for you in BC's char
ity bingo halls!"
Despite McPhail's positive attitude,  there  are  still  those who
see hard times ahead, and UBC
student government is doing its
"™"—~~■"■"■"■ best to find more
part-time      work
for students wishing   to   complete
their degrees.
At    Wednesday
night's AMS
council meeting
Joblink encouraged   students   to
- Jason Emmery, 4th year take advantage of
Biochemistry Student their     youthful
——^—————■——— good     looks     to
apply for work at the new AMS
Brothel, The Screw. Situated in
the former Totem Park residences, the brothel will open
within the month.
It is still not clear how this
change will affect the campus
squirrel population. It seems
likely that they, like the rest of
the campus population, will suddenly have to find real jobs.
Hoi You DID?
Dio   Mot
01D NO
OXD Tbo,
<SCietfCE    CAUEP
MB  STUPID   kGihMiff
Sibling Rivaliy PAGE 2
March 9, 2000
Editor's Beeswax
The paper you hold in your hot little hands, my dear readers, is the much-anticipated
UNDERGROUND/432 issue. "What?" you ask, "A combo issue? Science and Arts together?" That's
right my friends, THE UNDERGROUND and the 432 have laid down their swords long enough to produce at least nine pages of pure hilarity (I can't vouch for the 432's stuff). For those of you who don't
know, the last time a joint issue was done was way back in 1995. I'm happy to say that Bree, (the 432
Editor) and I have worked well together on this issue. Aside from breaking out into the occasional cat-
fight and mud wrestle, things have been pretty quiet around the office.
There's not much else to say, except that Arts County Fair is well on its way, which means my reign
as Almighty Editor is almost over. *Sigh* I'll never be able to slur the pick-up line: "Hey (hie) baby...
I'm theee Undergrounn Edituuur..." at The Pit again.   All good things come to an end some time, I
I need a beer.
Go, Go Gadget-Viagra
by Trevor Presley
I have always wanted to be a superhero. It's not
that I like tights, I like the superpowers and cool
gadgets involved in the job. The tights are just a
bonus. Now compared to other career goals such as
plumber or garbage man, superhero is a little
harder to attain. There is no superhero college or
trade school; of course if you want to send me
$10.00, I can send you an "admission" package to
a superhero school I am setting up...
I have to thank comic books for my fascination
with superheros. In comic books, superheros are
portrayed as daring crime fighters who have fast
cars, neat power tools and date beautiful supermodels on the side. In short, every guy's
dream job. Superheros are also usuall>
independently wealthy and have more
muscles than the entire Russian women'.-,
gymnastics team ^ut, together.^ J on the
other hand am terrified of crime; I
have a black car, no power tools,
and very little supermodel dat
ing experience. As well, I
have only enough monev
to sustain my shopping
channel addiction, and I
have no muscles. If I'm
going to be a superhero,
a small miracle will
have to take place.
Luckily, most superheros
started out their careers in the same
position I am today.
According   to   comic   book   lore,   a
superhero   usually   gets   hit   with   a
large    does    of    radiation,    which
mutates them from customer service
■ representative to urban crime fighter.
Since I don't come from another planet
(Superman)    or    have   rich,    recently
deceased parents (Batman), the massive
radiation does is my only hope. Now this
option poses several problems:
1) If I get hit by a massive dose of radiation,
chances are I will just outright be killed or
develop.a tumor the size of Nebraska. There is
only a very small chance that I will gain any
superpowers like X-Ray vision or super-
2) It is tough to find a place where you can
get  accidentally  hit  by  a  massive  radiation
dose.  Your only  options are to hang around
nuclear    power    plants,    nuclear    missiles,
research labs,  or hospitals  and wait for  an
opportunity to  present  itself.     These  places
tend to be guarded by big oafs whole sole job
is to keep the superhero wanna-bees off the
premises. Do you really think that any sane person wants to sneak into a nuclear power facility?
I don't think so.
3) Should you be so luckily to find yourself in
front of a machine that can administer a massive
dose of radiation, you now have to find a cool
insect to join you in your date with destiny. We all
know that Spiderman got his cool powers because
a spider got in between him and the radiation
beam. Personally I would like to have the powers
of a spider or dragonfly, as both are cool insects.
I don't want to have the powers of a fly, could you
imagine being able to taste everything with your
feet? Even worse, lets say an ant comes between
you and the radiation beam; your superpowers would be the ability to build a
house quickly or carry 20 times your body
weight. Or sure, you would be popular
with your friends on moving day, but
how could you fight evil with these
Now let's say you get lucky and
manage to survive the exposure,
avoid   the    guards    and    get
paired with a cool insect, what
superpowers would you end up
getting?   The   coolest   superpowers   have    always   been
'-uper-speed, super-strength,
and the ability to fly, however the chance of getting
these particular powers is
pretty remote. We rarely
hear   about   the   superheros that excel at card
playing or cement pouring. These heroes quietly
go through life dazzling only
their   small   group   of  friends   with
their powers. With my luck, my super
powers would be "super-taste" and the
ability  to   communicate  with   carpet.
Sure, being able to talk to the carpet
would be useful  if your girlfriend
lost the back of her earring in
your   green    shag,    but    once
again, evil escapes having any
true opponent.    No thanks! I
think   I'll   stick   with   my
current super-power;
Trevor Presley is 27 years
old, works for an insurance
company, and is still writing for The Underground.
So, I think he's clinched
the title of "super-pathetic."
Love you Trevor! - ed.
Karen Benson
Owen Chan
Rob Hilliker
Trevor Presley
Jamie Withers
Mike Inwood
Gordo C.H.
Clayton Holmes
Christina Tinson
Jan Gansekoele |
Greg Morris
Annette Scheepers
Mikey Boetzkes
Jeremy Lee
and our kind delivery persons
Kristen Harvey
&. Steve Price
Special ihdnkv ;o all the web OAge-i v.e got giaphics fiom tor this ivsi.e
March 22nd, 2000
High Noon
March 16 \ 2000
Some \ieivs expressed in THE UNDERGROUND
do not necessarily represent those of the editorial
staff or of the UBC Arts Undergraduate Society.
Then again, some just might.
Special thanks to Imagine UBC for the grub.
I Afrrs      ~rr_
O ntxIser-Qararii
Buchanan A207
1866 Main Mall
the_underground@antisocial.com March 9, 2000
IMliSiiw Kit'
Ws week: The Wacfcy M/orH of Ta«r Show Wos+j'l
Wi't/i Special Quest lleferee:
Marie Osmond
Donny Osmond
Thirty-five years of ugly sibling rivalry comes to a head. Donny
blinds Marie with his Technicolour Dreamcoat, and fatally wounds
her with the terrible, terrible sound of his voice.
Decision: Donny
Jenny Jones vs Ricki Lake
The Queens of Trash go head to head on national television, complete with mud pit. Jenny gets a dunkin', but retaliates by ripping
off Ricki's top. The crowd flees in a panic, clawing at their eyes.
Decision: Jennv
Montel Williams
Jerry Springer
Montel calls Jerry a "pretty boy" for the last time. Steve the
Bouncer leads a hollering white trash army to kick Montel's ass
back to the Marine Corps. Jer-RY! Jer-RY!
Decision: Jerry
IMm     ' ititi
Maury Povich vs Leeza Gibbons
Maury's special "Sluts of Daytime TV" episode leaves Leeza
pissed and out for revenge. She arranges a special "Full-body
Cement-pack Makeover." Maury's never seen again.
Decision: Leeza
Regis Philbin vs Kathie Lee Gilford
After "Cody's SO Cute" Story #3476, Regis finally snaps. His
'final answer' comes in the form of a briefcase full of cash to the
head. Kathy's out of lifelines, and the end is quick and brutal-
Decision: Regis
Rosie O'Donnell
Oprah Winfrey
We all knew the daytime "Clash of the Titans" was coming -
Oprah's latest diet craze leaves her too weak to fight, until her
stampeding book club thunders to the rescue.
Decision: Oprah
Camilla Scott vs Jono-Vision
Faced with early setbacks in the battle for CBC's last five dollars,
Jono calls on his fans for backup. Tragically, they're both busy-
Decision: Camilla
0» i* BAD S,DE or ** *
r"M Z <;£?%>>T" ,
Part III: Tripping Down Memory Lane
by Rob Hilliker	
A couple of nights ago, at around 10 o'clock, I got a phone call from an old
buddy of mine who'd popped into town for the weekend to visit his girlfriend.
The first words out of his mouth - "nine-ninety-five pitchers!" - were slurred so
badly that I couldn't tell whether he was quoting me the price, or telling me
how many he'd had to drink that night, but I figured either way it'd be worth
it just to head down, chill out for a bit, and talk about the olden-days (i.e., last
By the time I arrived at the bar, it was clear my buddy had polished off pitchers nine-ninety-six through one thousand cuz he was toasting his corn chips
over the candle and a couple of them actually caught on fire. In other words,
it looked like I had some catching up to do. I pulled up a chair at his table,
blew out the candle for safety's sake (remember what Mommy always said
before tucking you in: "Fire and alcohol don't mix!"), and ordered another couple of pitchers.
After the conversation worked its way through the necessary preliminaries of
school, work, and the latest episode of the Simpsons, we turned to our favourite
topic: old drinking stories. First we talked about the time when our buddy Alex,
who weighs 300 pounds, challenged me to a drinking contest claiming, "Since
I weigh twice as much as you do, 111 drink twice as much," and, needless to
say, ended up in the hospital not saying much at all, although the nurse looking after him had plenty to say (such as, "Couldn't you guys have brought along
a change of clothes?"). Then we talked about the time our friend Bill ordered
three pitchers of hard cider at last call and ended up looking greener than the
cider. But, just as potheads turn to tales of the best BC Hydro Redhair and
junkies turn to tales of prime China White, so did we turn to tales of our drug
of choice: Everclear.
For those of you who are not familiar with this substance, I'd now like to sidetrack into a brief explanation of the properties of Everclear, also known as
"Pure Alberta Grain Alcohol" or "Disinfectant." First of all, it's not exactly
'pure' alcohol, as in 100%, it's actually only 95% (as if that makes a difference
to your liver). What the other 5% is I have no idea, and I'm not really sure I
want to know. Second, it is actually not available for sale anywhere in Canada
or the US, but only in Duty-Free Stores, which apparently have liquor laws of
their own, ones that were written by the students who didn't actually get good
enough LSAT scores to anywhere except South Boise Vacuum Store and Law
School (Established 1977). Thirdly, some people claim that it mixes well with
Kool-Aid, but in reality it doesn't mix well with anything, it just floats to the
top anyway, no matter what the mixer. Fourthly, it's not only flammable
enough to warrant a flame-guard, but also a special pour spout that only lets
a couple of drops out at time, sort of like soy sauce for alcoholics.
Now that you know (and knowing is half the battle) what we're dealing with
here, I'd to re-relate to you all a story that my buddy Mike told me that night,
which has to be among the best Everclear stories I've ever heard (and I've heard
them all, and lived through half of 'em). It involves a friend of Mike's of
Ukrainian descent who was affectionately known as "Danchuk." One night
Danchuk decided, as young men often do, to demonstrate his liver's ability to
process large quantities of alcohol. However, Danchuk decided that he didn't
just want to process large quantities of alcohol, but to process them quickly, so
he proceeded to drain eight (yes, that's right, 'eight') consecutive (yes, that's
right, 'consecutive') shots of Everclear (yes, tha... oh, never mind) and then run
immediately to the washroom. And that's when the fun began... Y'see
Danchuk's friends thunk that he was gonna upchuck, but, no luck. When they
snuck up to the door and couldn't hear so much as the 'thunk' or 'kerplunk' of
his chunks in the bucket, they figured he'd chucked down his last buck's worth
o' booze. They clucked a bit about what to do and worked themselves into a
funk, when they realized that the door was locked they figured Danchuk was
fucked. But no, Danchuk was neither fucked nor sunk: in truth, things were
just ducky. The big guy just needed to sleep it off, which took about three days,
give or take an hour or two... PAGE FOUR
10 MARCH 2000
Volume Thirteen
Issue Eleven
10 March 2000
Bree Baxter
Assistant Editor and Thug
Jay Garcia
Printed by
College Printers, Vancouver, BC
Dan Anderson
Bree Baxter
Jay Garcia
John Hallett
Joanna Karaplis
Jake McKinlay (and how!)
Trevor Presley
Reka Sztopa
Ben Tippett
Various Candidates
Laura Yang
Legal Information
The 432 is published sporadically
from the basement of the Chemistry
Building. The 432 is the official constitutionally protected publication
of the Science Undergraduate Society and science students in general.
All views expressed in this issue
are strictly those of the individual
writers, and as such are not the
responsibility of The 432, The Science Undergraduate Society, or the
Faculty of Science. Writers and cartoonists from every faculty are
encouraged to submit their material to The 432. Submissions must
meet the strict requirements of
making the editor chuckle thrice,
and contain the author's name and
contact information.
All inkblots herein are strictly factual, and are in no way to be confused with the inkblots found therein.
God bless the London Underground.
All content that is in the Underground section of the paper is SO
not my responsibility. And not even
to the extent that the stuff in the
432 is not my responsibility. I am so
far removed from the Underground, I'm on a different plane of
Please write for the 432. If you
want to draw for the 432, it would
be so wonderful. We need cartoonists, and we are a great forum for
your art. Look at Jake McKinlay: He
used to be a calm boy. If s changed
now. Check out the inside back
cover. Sweet Jesus.
Linux Ninja
A hundred years ago I would have been
laughed at. Even fifty years ago, thirty years ago, this wouldn't have been
an issue. But now it is. There has been a massive change in our culture, and not many people are aware of it. Those that have taken a
first year anthropology course as an arts elective know a little bit about human evolution.
These people have learned that humans are driven by their their instinctual desires to procreate with the most eligible mate, and have as
many children as possible. Back in the Good
Old Days, this was easy and straight forward.
Women would be attracted to and want to
sleep with the strongest man around. This man
would be able to hunt to provide her and her
children with sufficient food, and to defend her
and her children from other men. Yes, the
patriarchy still sucks, but that's the way it was.
It was simple.
The thing is, things are still like this. You can
see it down in the Pit on Wednesday nights.
Why do the big, muscular, jocks have all the
women hanging off them, killing each other to
sleep with them, week after week? It's a remnant of this old instinctual, evolution-driven
set of desires. But, next time you're down
there, in a corner, or playing pool, take a look
on the dance floor. These women, hanging off
of Biff, the blonde haired Economics major
football-playing Frat boy, are going to go the
way of the Dodo bird. Very quickly.
It's true. In today's industrialized, technological, Internet-injected society, one does not
need to be physically strong, nor does one
need to know how to chug beer at ridiculous
rates, one needs to know one thing to survive,
and to be sexually attractive: one needs to be
able to use computers. But that's not all. Not
only must one be able to "use computers," one
must be able to speak to computers, to coerce
them to perfectly perform even the most
minute detail of a task. One must play a computer like a violin, taste it like a fine wine, or
drive it like a Ferrari. It must hug the center-
line on the curvy California coast highway.
A Ferrari. You won't find a Ferrari with an
automatic transmission. You won't get anyone
into the back of your mom's white 4-door
automatic "Safest Car On The Road(tm)"
Volvo. You can't be sexy running Microsoft
operating systems.
There is a solution to this dilemma, these
operating systems that are so brain-dead that
Biff thinks he's cool when he changes the
background from "Stars" to "Bubbles." The
solution is Linux. The history of Linux can be
found online, the reliability of Linux can be
found online, details on the fact that Linux is
put together by many hundreds of thousands of
volunteers on the Internet can be found online.
What isn't articulated on linux.com, or slash-
dot.org, or freshmeat.net, is why Linux is
Linux is sexy because it's like driving standard. One has complete control over one's
computer. The machine becomes an instrument of your mind, no longer bound by talking paper clips, hourly reboots, or bland, ugly
desktops. The immense power that is harnessed at the end of your fingertips becomes
exhilarating. And babes, my friends, will
Understand. They will understand that you no
longer have to Right-click on "My Computer"
to find out how much RAM your computer
has. They will understand that you no longer
need to brag about how you figured out that
you could right-click a file and rename it.
They will understand that these simple things
are for the masses - the top center of the Bell
curve. They will see that your desktop contains 10 instances of Netscape, an MP3 player, a StarOffice window editing an essay or
lab, and 17 applets, one stating that you have
mail waiting, one indicating your current CPU
temperature, one flashing red and orange and
yellow fire in time to your currently playing
MP3. They will know that you can run a web
server, a mail server, a news server, and a file
server, on a 486 with processor time left over
to analyze radio transmissions from space.
And you won't have to brag. They'll know,
consciously or subconsciously, that they want
to sleep with you. Because running a sexy
operating system makes you sexy.
The only problem with this whole scenario is
that Myk is under the delusion that people
know what Linux is. I have friends (not me)
who can't even check their email because
they don't know where the "power" button is.
Myk is one of those guys who would go to
work for Microsoft only so he could get into
the corporation core and plant a bomb.
But he is damn sexy.
Wheel I'm on airplane!
Bree Baxter
Ready to ascend
Welcome to the 432/Underground
joint issue. I'm sure that Karen has
been addressing this issue as the
Underground/432 issue, but that's entirely up
to her. It is a habit of mine to assume that the
432 is a bit more important than anything else
on campus.
But I digress.
What is the most important part of this issue
is that the two of us, Arts and Science, Karen
and Bree, have joined forces to make a kick-
ass issue. Please enjoy it and then frame it for
all eternity.
Enough with the sap. Let's get down to the
week in review.
Bubble Tea
Snack Attack has started to sell bubble tea. I
have never had bubble tea before, so I had to
try it today. I figured that there are very few
ways to screw up the flavor of strawberry, so
I ordered strawberry. I watched, askance, as
they put milk, strawberry syrup and something
else into a blender and hit the power button.
Sometime after; I was handed a cup with pink
stuff and then some round tapioca things that
were tea-coloured. I said thanks and wandered
away, scared. What had I gotten myself into?
I sipped, and tried not to gag as I accidentally
swallowed a tapioca 'bubble'. Chew those. It
took a while to finish the drink. Those things
require a certain amount of attention.
In all, not bad. I would order it again, without the bubbles. Frenchy told me that the
Snack Attack doesn't have a bubble tea
machine, but they are thinking of getting one.
What is a bubble tea machine? Is it like a big
SUS Elections
Take part in democracy. Vote in the SUS
elections. There is very little harm one can do
to SUS. What does SUS really do? Provide
free water? Very inexpensive coffee (with all
proceeds going to the Vancouver Food Bank)?
A crappy-assed photocopier? Exactly. So vote
and make yourself feel a part of the place for
a few minutes. You'll make me feel very
happy (because I won't have to listen to Steinbok bitch about how no one voted).
I miss TV. And not just that TV that is on
nowadays, with Jennifer Aniston and Friends
having their boring, underfed lives. I miss that
TV I used to watch as a kid. What happened
to the A-Team? Or Fraggle Rock? Or the
Gummi Bears with their Gummy Berry juice
that made them bouncy bouncy fun fun fun?
What about the action adventure of MacGyver
(filmed here in Vancouver) or Airwolf or
Knight Rider? Now that was entertainment.
Have you tried watching kids TV these days?
It's absolutely boring. I would rather spend
three hours at at math Ph.D. dissertation than
watching modern kids TV. I wish they would
r New in SUS! ^
Coffee is now available for only 50<!
If you are an addict, you can have all the coffee
you can drink for only $10 a month.
That's right, ten dollars.
All proceeds go to the Vancouver Food Bank.
A 432 production.
just take Pikachu, Barney, each and every
Spice Girl and have a big Target-Practice-for-
Just Desserts
The AMS gave out the Just Desserts award
the other night. Whee! Science people got four
awards. The winners got the awards because
they do kick-ass work for students at UBC.
Give a round of applause to Shona Ellis, Mike
Pungente, and Ben Clifford! They are awesome and you should know that.
Karen and Owen
I want to thank Karen Benson and Owen
Chan for this joint venture. Alas, no one gave
me the joint, so I'm understandably bitter.
Thanks guys. We'll do it again next year.
Have fun with the issue.
We apologize for
the error in last
week's paper in
which we state
that Mr. Arnold
Dogbody was a
defective in the
police force. We
meant, of course,
that Mr. Dog-
body is a detective in the police
-the Ely Standard. 10 MARCH 2000
Cat Disqualified in
Elections Shocker
Point Grey, BC
In a shocking development in the 2000-
2001 SUS Executive elections, Cuddles
"the Cat" Klawe has been disqualified
from the elections, leaving Sara Stamm
acclaimed for the position of Director of
Jeffrey Steinbok, SUS Elections Commissioner, said in a press release that "unfortunately", he had "no choice but to disqualify
Cuddles." A formal complaint was lodged
against Cuddles by an unidentified individual
running in the election. Mr. Steinbok pointed
to the signature on the nomination form. "This
is obviously not the work of Cuddles. I have
sources that directly saw [An unidentified candidate] filling in the form for Cuddles, in
direct violation of the election rules. I had no
choice in this matter."
Cuddles Klawe is a
recent addition to the
Science Undergraduate
Society. After an in-
depth extraordinary
Council meeting on February 26th of this year,
Cuddles was given an
honorary membership to
the Society. He
expressed an interest in
running for the executive, namely sports.
"Meow," the candidate
said when asked of his
interest in the position.
He is well versed with
the sports events at
UBC, especially the
sprint and the power-
nap. "Meow-owow," he
replied sadly when asked
his opinion of his sudden
disqualification. Dr.
Maria Klawe, Dean of
Science and Cuddles'
care-giver, expressed
disappointment at the
The   formal   complaint,
lodged by a candidate for the position of Executive Secretary, states that the candidate felt
that Cuddles' candidacy "trivializes and brings
ridicule to [the] organization and science in
The cat's status in the Science Undergraduate
Society is now up in the air. At the Society's
2000 Annual General Meeting on Thursday,
SUS members voiced opposing viewpoints.
Some wanted the cat to remain a member in
good standing, while others demanded the
cat's immediate expulsion. As the quorum of
600.5 students was not reached by a margin of
540.5, the discussion was tabled until the SUS
Council meeting of March 16. Any interested
member of the Society can attend the meeting,
which begins at 1:30pm in the SUB Council
chambers on the second floor.
Sara Stamm, the sole
remaining candidate
for the position of
Director of Sports,
said that she was
looking forward to
"some good cat-
fights" with Cuddles, but she felt that
the solution reached
was "purr-feet".
In related news:
The SUS executive
elections are running
Wednesday, March
15 to Friday, March
17. Poll stations are
located in the SUB
and in most major
science buildings.
To vote, you are
required to be an
active member in the
Science Undergraduate Society. If you
are an undergrad
Science student, you
lualify. Bring your stu-
ent card to vote. Can-
idate profiles are in
s issue of the 432.
The candidate reacts to the   f
news of his disqualification,  r
Give it ift) ue. Post-haste!
All article!
Must make
Write about anything
be submitti
by 4:32 m
Iarch 15
ThoKs Hammer
Dan Anderson
Not a Vegan
I've been thinking. I don't normally, but
tests make me do strange things sometimes. See, I was up until 5 this morning
trying to cram for a math exam, because this
entire week I've been trying to pack. I've been
packing because on Sunday, at about 8 at
night, my father said 'you've got until Monday
or Tuesday evening to get all your stuff into
boxes, and out of your room, because I'm
going to have to go through my boxes, and
what's in my way I'll deal with myself."
Great. Not only do I have a room 4/5 filled
with boxes of useless stuff that isn't even
mine, but the 1/5 of the room that I do have is
now no longer 'mine'. Long-term result:
16.66% of my math mark came out to 0%.
This is the second time. I'll admit, the first one
was my fault. But after three hours of sleep
last night, can you blame me for thinking
about Thor, the Viking science dude, who has
a large hammer, and uses the scientific method
to discover that said hammer can cause crani-
ums of varying furry woodland animals (and
that damn guy in the hut ten paces down who
kept on looking at Thor's wife) to implode
when it has an appropriate force, applied to it.
Mmm... bloody bloody bits of brain... (god,
I'm turning into an artise. Damned if that wasn't consonance or whatever it's called.)
I had the 'pleasure' of reading an old handbook (that's the 'geer's agenda-ey thingie) and
wow, they think engineering is the shizz. You
know what? A scientist invented PVC. Sorry
guys, but I think we might just be one up on
you. Tell you what, if an engineer comes out
with a new invention that causes innumerable
fetishes and that causes Reka to seriously consider an image change, and I'll admit that the
'geers are as good as us. Although I will admit
they have good taste in vodka. Although they
shouldn't really drop Screech's little sister on
the pavement quite so hard.
Back to Thor. Thor is good. Using the scientific method to determine blood alcohol maximums in Viking science dudes is good. Using
the scientific method to determine blood alcohol maximums in UBC Science students is better. Mmmm... 5.6% blood alcohol level...
tasty tasty froth and convulsions. Vampires
could get drunk faster on your blood than they
could on any US beer. Stupid statesiders and
their 3.2% beers. Let all sing praise to Peter
Russell, who brings about the wonder known
as Russell Christmas Ale. Ten percent and
tastes damn good. (Mental note: keep mug of
ale on self on weekends to ward off thirsty
Vampires have too bad a name. Think about
the last time you bit your lip or your tongue or
whatever. Did you suck on it? Betcha did.
Wasn't because you thought it would make the
pain go away, either. Blood tastes good. Sure,
it may not be overly appetizing to some people, but Vegans aren't born that way. How
many babies turn down breast milk? Oh, no! It
comes from an animal! The horror! Think of
the horrible conditions they are kept in! Keeping them in sterile rooms for the first few days
(or more), then milking them day and night,
waking them up in the middle of the night with
screams for more, relentlessly sucking all the
nourishment out of them. Play anything up
enough and it'll come out the way you want it.
Which reminds me, strangely, of GAP. Gee,
I wonder why. "Good conversation" my ass. If
you're hardcore enough to man a booth with 9
by 7 foot pictures of aborted fetuses, I'm
sorry, but what do you think the odds are of
said hardcore pro-lifer changing his/her mind?
Reminds me more of preaching. I believe I'm
inserting my own personal view into this article. I'm probably not supposed to do that. Ah,
well. Sorry, but huge dead fetuses -in Technicolor!- are more likely to incite violence and
disgust than to provoke intelligent discussion.
But whatever.
Whatever is good. Whatever isn't just a
word. Whatever is a way of dealing with life.
Whatever is life. Smash up a car, costing you
all your savings? Whatever. Fail every exam
this term? Whatever. Voices telling you to
burn yet another building? Whatever. Whatever means nothing matters, means that whatever happens can be dismissed with impunity,
because hey, man, "whatever".
And on to a completely unrelated topic: blue.
Blue is good. Blue is a pretty color. Blue
means that you've been falling down too many
steps of stairs while under the influence, and
should really not try to slide down on your butt
next time. Blue also means that it's morning,
and you're staring up at the sky, wondering
why you're soaked. Then you realize that
you're lying on the grass in a park on a Sunday morning. Wonder of wonders.
As a final aside, I hope you weren't too
offended by this article, or by the abortion discussion/building burnings/milk origins/blue
discussion herein. Not that it matters. Don't
like this article? You know what? Whatever.
Never mind Dan. He's not a pagan, but he
wishes he was.
OM  B^HAUr DF Trie fr)5
■^ TW£ SVJS, Vi£   ftAv£
ON£ IttlN^T* SAY:
< L ! (I
March 9, 2000
$1.59 U.S.
$34.79 CANADA
March 9, 2000
Fed to Totem Residents!
Taco stuffed with the head of Christ!
By PENNY FISTICUFFS /UndergroundNews
year-old Johnson Excalibur
was chowing down on some
Totem Sloppy Joes™ —
when he realized he was
about to swallow the head of
Now the young student will
never have to worry about money
again — his "Holy Taco" is valued
at over $2.8 billion, which should
cover the cost of his tuition next
"I'm thrilled! At first I
thought it might be Elvis, but then
I saw the beard. And to think I
almost ate it!" says the 1st year
nutritional sciences student.
"Everyone else started checking
their Sloppy Joes too, but the most
they got were a few band-aids."
To commemerate this miraculous event, Totem Cafeteria has
included the new "Sloppy Jesus" in
the daily supper menu. "It was the
least we could do," said chief-chef
Boris Kostumeir. "You know, it
bein' the head of the Lord and all..."
The Pope was also thrilled
with   the    discovery,    and
exclaimed,   "Kto   wziat   moj
Kapelusz?!" which loosely   translates   to   "Where
the fuck is my hat?!"
Sloppy Joe expert
Peter    Van    Popon    was
amazed with the discovery.    "I've    seen   plenty   of
Sloppy Virgin Marys, a cou
pie of weeping and bleeding Joes,
but never an actual Sloppy Jesus!
It's incredible!* For now, experts are
left wondering if the Sloppy Jesus
will ever rise again.
Young Johnson Excalibur
plans to watch what he eats in the
future, and has recently signed a
deal with TacoTime to market their
new product. Says Excalibur of his
good fortune, "I never believed in
Jesus but now I'm starting to wonder..."
Chem student
morphed into
UBC - A 21-year-     fr
old chemistry student
was transformed into a
sideshow freak — and he
likes it!
When a titration went
wrong, Billy Grimes of
Maple Ridge become
Beaker-Boy®, the world's
first living glassware.
"I love my newfound
fame!" says Billy.   "I
just have to be careful
around all those clutzy
Thunderbird Crop Circles!
tJBd :  *yyW0F^^
Thunderbird yS^^
ing for a deeper "meaning ■ m the circular forms ■ and: have lo far
discovered the English phrases?: "Zonar vvuz here," and "For a
good time call Zyzzy Baluba 1-250-39872-84748-822-4235!"
Varsity Football games have been relocated to the Rose Garden. March 9, 2000
UBC HOSPITAL - Congratulations UBC - it's a
boy! Or is it a "boys?" That's the question experts are
asking after Martha Piper, UBC President, gave birth to a
healthy, 17 lb. baby "boys" on Thursday.
Martha is excited about her two-headed bundle of joy, and
says that breastfeeding is a breeze! "The only thing I'm afraid
of is  that  his  friends  might  call  him  four-eyes!"
she joked yesterday.
Martha has big dreams for her
newborn, and hopes to see him
follow in her footsteps as UBC
President(s). "At least he
won't be  as two-faced as
that Strangway guy!"
Doctors   say   the   baby
is completely normal
except for the extra head.
Clock Tower
l#cili9tf9 raiiTiiii
UBC - New research shows that
anyone within ten feet of the
UBC Clock Tower will get enormous erections — even women!
Scientists are convinced that Martin
Davis, the architect who designed the
Tower, was cursed with day-long
painful erections - an ailment that
inspired the design. It is believed that
when he died, his curse was passed on
to the tower itself!
Men have been pitching tents below
the tower during the evenings in the
hopes that the mystical powers of
Davis' final erection will boost their
sex    life. Says     Guy    Bruneau,
"Sometimes it hurts... but it's worth it!"
The World's Only Psychic Dolphin
My Wife Is Bowling with Ralph!
Dear Porky: My wife goes out every Friday for
bowling lessons, but she doesn't own a bowling
ball. Also, she's a quadrapalegic. Last week, she
went out to a formal dinner with Ralph, her bowling instructor to discuss "new techniques." I'm an
Aries with my moon rising in Pluto, and my wife is in the cusp
of Pisces and Aries. Will our marriage work out?
- Bowled Over by the Blues
Dear Bowled: Aside from the obvious fact that two Aries are
completely incompatible, it's time to get your head out of the
'gutter' long enough to see that your wife is scoring big with
Ralph... and I don't mean bowling! Get yourself out to the
bowling alley and meet a nice Sagittarius girl. Just follow the
instructions in my book "Ten Ways to Create Psychic Links In
The Bowling Alley" (Collins - $29.95).
I've Lost Everything!
Dear Porky: My life has recently fallen apart.
My mother died two weeks ago in a freak
corrogated box factory accident. My dog was just
put down after losing three legs and six major
organs in a fight with a rabid pigeon. Last week,
my house was knocked down by a train derailment in my
backyard, and since I didn't have Derailment Insurance, I am
now living in a cardboard box which was, ironically, made in
the same box factory that killed my mother. Since I'm a
Scorpio, I understand that I'll be forced to deal with many
problems... will my life any get any better??
- Nothin' Left to Lose
Dear Nothin': No. And next week's not looking too good, either. PAGE EIGHT
10 MARCH 2000
Get the Shotgun, Ma
Trevor Presley
Go/n' to the Chapel
My sister Heidi is getting married this
June. For me, this will be a bittersweet marriage ceremony; it will be
sweet because my sister is marrying the man
she loves. It will be bitter because I will be
losing my little sister.
My sister is two years younger than I am. We
are best friends, partners in crime, and share
many fond memories of trying to kill each
other. This animosity began when my sister
was brought home from the hospital and
appeared in my field of vision. According to
my mother, I glared at her for several days
straight as I realized that my days of being an
only child were over. Early in our relationship, I tried to get rid of her using all my 4-
year-old cognitive ability. I coaxed her
towards electrical outlets every chance I got, I
tried to convince her that her walker could
travel safely down the stairs and I even tried to
poison her on several occasions; of course I
couldn't read, so when I thought I was feeding
her Drano, I was spooning her milk. Alas she
survived to age six.
At age six, my sister starting going to school
and my mom started working full-time, which
meant we got a baby-sister after school. Our
baby sitter basically spent the entire time playing peacekeeper and preventing any trips to
the emergency room. Upon the arrival of our
Mom, our baby sitter presented her with a
diary of the day's events that went something
like this:
4:00pm Arrived home
4:01pm Trevor tried to suffocate Heidi with
her own jacket hood
4:03pm Heidi kicked Trevor in the groin,
Trevor started to whimper like a little girl.
4:05pm Bandages distributed to the combatants
4:15pm Snack Time, Heidi tried to stuff
cheese up Trevor's nose while Trevor countered with marshmallows to Heidi's ears.
4:30pm The Kids sat quietly while watching
the first 11 minutes of Starsky and Hutch
4:32pm During the commercial break,
Trevor and Heidi played the Starsky and
Hutch board game.
4:33pm A fight broke out, as they both want
to be Hutch. I make them both Huggy-Bear to
settle the dispute. Bandages distributed to the
5:01pm Starsky and Hutch is over. Naptime.
I snuck out to buy more bandages.
Despite carrying on like this until age 18, we
both survived to adulthood. We were actually
fairly close throughout our teens, as we didn't
live together. I went to military school; she
went to reform school. Our next big Battle
Royal was when our dad bought us a car.
Our Dad's brilliant plan was to buy a car for
us so we could learn to share and get along
together. I believe the British gave Palestine to
the Jews and Arabs with the same intentions.
History is a powerful teacher if one listens.
The car was a 1988 Plymouth Horizon and we
got it as I was starting my summer job at the
Recreation centre. The daily adventures of our
car was fairly constant:
1) I would drive to work and park the car.
2) My unemployed sister would drop by
around 10:30am to pick up the car and drive it
all over God's green earth.
3) My sister would then pick me up and
explain that I should be the one to buy all the
gas because I had a job.
4) We would then get into a fight in the parking lot.
5) The Rec. Centre First Aid attendant would
distribute bandages.
The summer eventually ended and I went
back to university and I let my sister keep the
car. However, everytime I came home to visit
my car, my sister had caused some damage to
my baby. At Thanksgiving she informed me
that she broke the passenger door, in November she showed me the dent where she hit a
pedestrian, and at Christmas she presented me
with a $900.00 repair bill for a cracked engine
block. Luckily, the car was put out of its misery the following month when it was side-
swiped and totaled. My sister received a
chipped tooth, a ripped jacket and a $14,000
settlement from ICBC. I'm still bitter about
the whole thing. The next car I bought was a
standard, which my sister can't drive, so it has
enjoyed a repair free existence.
Despite the car incident, we have gotten very
close in the last couple of years. She has asked
me to be the MC at the wedding. I plan to
bring up the car story and pick on her new
husband. I hope one of the guests brings bandages as a wedding gift.
Dumb Assed contest #9
Who is the leader of the Federal Senate?
Winner must reply to
bmonique@intercharige.ubc.ca or to Bree's box
in SUS before March 16th at 4:32pm
SUS Hacks need not apply, if I know you, and you are a hack, you cannot win.
Winner will receive
two free ACF Tickets.
Good Luck!
Burn That Bra
Joanna Karaplis
Feminine Support
Since this is the estrogen issue (yum!) I
thought I'd take the opportunity to say a
bit about breasts. If men wore bras, perhaps bra manufacturers would learn how to
make them a little better, and make them
cheap or free. Bra shopping is worse than
pants shopping. Apparently, no one has yet
figured out how to make a bra support breasts
bigger than an A cup. There's the spandex
method (like duct taping them to your chest),
but that method lacks proper ventilation and
comfort. Even the huge, two-water-balloons-
wouldn't-jiggle-in-this-puppy bra begins to sag
disappointingly soon after use. (Besides, I
object to using puppies as bras. Kittens are
much more useless and thus deserving of such
a fate.) And then there's those weird strapless
bras. I don't mean just lacking shoulder straps,
but lacking straps of all kind! Just two unattached cups, often made of thin cardboard and
adhesive, which are somehow supposed to
support a couple pounds of constantly-being-
jiggled flesh. Who came up with that idea, and
could I please have their address?
Yes, I have grown sick of bra shopping. I
have grown sick of an industry where anything
other than a 32A is a "specialty" bra. On the
other hand, bigger women than me have gotten sick of it too, and actually done something
about it, so now there's a better range of
46D's available, but still no really practical
So I have decided to do away with bras entirely. Now, I'm not a huge fan of the accidental-
ly-stepping-on-your-tits lifestyle, so I'm going
to rule out the actual need for bras: I'm going
to invent PRACTI-BOOBS. They're real!
They're yours! Yet..they're practical! Science
may have to make some pretty quick advances,
but the idea is sound: I want my boobs to be
reattachable. Velcro would work; I don't like
the idea of snaps (too much pulling to get 'em
off.) Perhaps even a screw method would
work, so I could twirl 'em on or off. That
way, when judo classes rolls around, I simply
detach my breasts and leave them at home. No
more mounds of flesh impeding my Movement! No more wincing when elbowed in the
chest! No more lopsided running stance! It
would be like having jogging pants... No
breasts when I want to relax, but I'll attach
'em if I want to go out for dinner, dancing, or
anywhere else that their attractive qualities
would be beneficial.
Any men reading this article: did you suddenly begin to reflect on how wonderful it would
be to have the option of a detachable penis?
Just think! No more embarrassing B-line hard-
ons! Yet you'd always have it handy if you
needed it! Ultimate control at last!! Tempting,
isn't it?
So I say we all lobby! The government should
be funding science research into detachable
body parts! It should be a fundamental human
right!! Because I'm waiting over here in an
over-priced, under-performing bra.
*Ahem* As an individual who is extremely
happy there are bras available in 40 D, I
must say that the opinions of this writer are
not the opinions expressed by the 432 staff. If
we had removable breasts, it would be like
your watch; You would forget them when you
need them the most. What if you went for a
jog and met a real hottie? What would you
say? "'Scuse me while I run home"? I don't
think so.
While I can't say anything for the men in the
room, I want to say that having a removable
penis takes all the fun out of bus rides. I love
it when you make eye contact with the guy
with the hard on. Ha ha.
Benku #7
There is a clock,
it goes bong when classes end.
but it knows no tune.
■I W^ HlfilP
Alternative and Integrative Medical Society
Topic: Homeopathy with David Gerring, MD
!     Date: March 16, 2000. 12:30 - 1:30pm
[location: IRC 1
Topic: Clinical Herbalism with Rowan Hamilton,
Date: March 16, 2000. 12:30 - 1:30pm
l/Vat-inn- TDT 1
The Alternative & Integrative Medical Society
Box 81, University of British Columbia,
6138 S.U.B. Boulevard, Vancouver, BC, V6T 1Z1
email :aims@interchange.ubcca
web: www.ams.ubcca/aims
ph:     (604)-822-8085
fx:      (604)-986-6575 10 MARCH 2000
Social Darwinism at its Best
Jay Garcia
Darwin's Best Fan
Murphy was an optimist. And Darwin
was a right cold bastard, when you
think about it. Ever since Mankind
in general stopped the highly inefficient
method of hunting and gathering for their food
and instead moved on to the significantly more
cost-effective technique of employing other
members of our species to burn down their
rainforests to put up vast pastureland for pre-
McBurger material (a single patty of which,
incidentally, equals their average monthly
income), the argument could be made that we,
as a whole, have stopped our brute-force physical evolution.
Darwin makes the case that the cold, impartial forces of selective pressure tend to weed
out the weak or the unfit from a population,
and what may once have been a survival asset
under one condition of selective pressure
becomes a liability in different circumstances.
Modern civilization, however, remains the
great equalizer, reducing or eliminating this
pressure across the board. Thanks to health
care and education, we have a large populace
who wouldn't know what a selective pressure
was if you marooned them on a Galapagosian
island with a bunch of recently-evolved flesh-
eating finches.
Note that this set of circumstances is true only
for a certain portion of our population; those
above the middle income bracket living in
what might be loosely termed the First World;
heck, even the poor of the First World beat out
the poor of the Third World in terms of sheer
available lifestyle choices and luxury items.
Darwinistically speaking, then, the selective
pressures inherent in the Third World are creating a class of people who will be both more
willing and able to kick the asses of their counterparts in more developed countries. This
kind of pressure also exists down the class system as well. As Chris Rock once said, for
every great white pugilist out there is a fearsome black man who'll knock him down. And
for every black boxer there's a Native or Hispanic fighter who can make him eat dirt.
Still, for all our lack of forward progress in
terms of sheer physical evolution, there's that
greater and significantly more complex construct that is social evolution. It's likely that
social evolution occurred through an organ
accretion process as rules and codes of behavior were created and discarded as the situation
demanded. The more vigorous of these have
survived to this day (though often in a much
modified state; "never poke a bear with a
stick" has become "never poke a Hell's Angel
with your beer"). Still, other outdated modes
of behaviour stick around because, quite often,
there's no need to replace them. I mean, how
often do you have to strike your left breast and
address the Archduke of Westminster as
"Your Potency?"
You figure that most of the rules of etiquette
exist to separate the poor and the uncouth from
the rich and cultured. Forget which fork to use
in a formal dinner with the Queen of England
you can watch your chances of rising through
the aristocracy and obtaining the peerhooid be
metaphorically led out to the back of the colloquial barn and put of its misery with a big
old social sledgehammer. After all, who'd
want their daughter to marry a man who
couldn't tell a salad fork from a shrimp fork?
Heaven forbid he might actually be the sort of
man who gets his hands dirty working for a
living. God bless the rigid feudal structure!
They really knew how to keep a good man
down back then, none of this foolish mollycoddling of the lower classes.
In comparison, the problem with this modern
age is, with all the social safety nets in place,
that it encourages the dumb, the foolish, the
weak-minded and the purely, steadfastly, dangerously ignorant folk to survive, breed, and
multiply. Where once upon a time these people wouldn't have lived past the age of ten
(having either eaten brightly-coloured berries,
the odd fungus or toadstool, or decided to pet
that cute little big-fanged slavering doggie),
now society coddles these incompetents,
allowing them to flourish. This causes significant problems, as these animalistically vigorous morons choke our schools and our hospitals and bog down our social programs.
The result is an undereducated, willfully
ignorant, tube-fed, and sedated populace,
which might be likened to a large, mute,
immobile animal, only capable of expressing
its murderous rage by changing the channel or
voting in federal elections.
Lest this tirade be mistaken for a pro-eugenics rant, let me assure you that I find the concept of willfully picking people out of the populace for sterilization to be morally reprehensible, and it's doubtful that you could ever
define adequate criteria for such a programme.
After all, Shirley Temple's parents weren't
exactly shining paragons exemplifying the best
of the human condition. In any case, evolution
is a blind force, without intent or orchestrated
direction, so why should social evolution be
any different? However, it wouldn't be too
untoward to loosen some social constraints
like, perhaps traffic control. People who
couldn't be bothered to look both ways before
crossing the street probably deserve to be converted into chunky-salsa style pavement art.
Or take nudism, for example. If people want
wander around naked, then why should we
stop them? Of course, being naked may lower
some people's chances for procreation (the
same people for which the phrase "spandex;
it's a privilege, not a right" was meant). Further, given our northern climate, public nudity will significantly lower one's chances for
continued survival.
Ultimately, if we'd only let the natural forces
that govern the continued modification of the
species run its course in our complacent societies, then the world would be a much better
place. Well, okay, not necessarily better in the
"everybody holding hands and working
towards a greater peace" sense, but in the "it's
significantly less frustrating to be in this world
because all the morons are ending up rather
humorously squashed beneath an eighteen-
wheeler" sense. Like I said before, Darwin
was one right cold bastard. But I'm glad he's
on my team.
I feel like saying, "You 're a right mean bastard, Charlie Brown."
Witty Editorial Banter
Bree: Here in the Underground office,
late at night, I sit, bored, having done
all of my half of the issue yesterday.
Why do I stay? Perhaps it is to watch my
dear Karen, editor of the Underground,
pace frantically while screaming at
Owen, "Why did I agree to do twenty
pages? Why?" Owen, utilizing his intelligent side, declines to answer. I laugh on
the inside.
Karen: (mumbling to myself) You won't
be laughing soon, Bree... Uh, I mean
excuse me. This special edition paper
was brought to you in the hopes that you
will be able to enjoy some of our intelligent and witty banter (clearly marked
by this title).
Bree: You mean the "Science sux" title?
Yes, Karen, I have full and complete
trust in your ability to be a) witty and
b) intelligent. But not right now. It is
late, and as is evidenced by your penchant to talk to "Mr. Binky", you need a
nap. Say, that's right, you have to work
tomorrow. I can sleep in, as I have no
class tomorrow. Ah, the sweet smell of
university life. And the snide remarks
about my "writing a novel": At least I
can form a complete sentence, you font-
blind imbecile.
Karen: Maybe it's the spray-glue talking, but I suddenly have the incredible
urge to whoop your ass, you typo-crazy
Bree: White trash.
Karen: So what?! At least I'm not a
ignorant, gas-huffing, pompous arrogant
science bastard! Now where's that highly toxic when ingested spray glue....?
Bree: First off, my parents got married
one month before I was born. Ergo, my
birth was legitimate as recognized by
the state....
Owen: Girls, girls, girls, why can't we
all get along?
OWEN! Can't you see I'm having a witty
and intelligent fight with Bree here?
Titrate this, BITCH!
Bree responds by hurling the Norton
Anthology of Literature, Volume Six, at
Karen's head. Ducking just in the nick of
time, Karen drops to one knee and aims
a deadly punch for Bree's kidneys. With
lightening fast reflexes, Bree sidesteps
the blow and retaliates by kicking for the
head. Karen grabs Bree's ankle and they
fall to the ground. Shouts of "My hair!"
and "Don't touch me there!" echo in the
room. Just as Karen is about to blind
Bree with Spraymount, Owen selflessly
steps between the combatants and takes a
mouthful of Spraymount. He screams in
Bree: I thought Karen told you to shut
up! Listen, Karen, you may think that
you are UBC Publishing Queen, but who
has put out ten issues already this year?
Huh? Not you!
Karen: Tsk, tsk, tsk, Bree... apparently
you've never heard the phrase, "Quality,
not quantity." And, my dear, I'm afraid
I've got you there.
Bree: Yes, like that quality content
Peter Popoff. And hasn't the campus has
enough celebrity death matches? How
many times can Jerry Springer have his
lily-white cracker ass kicked by "insert
opponent here"? I should take my toys
and go home.
Owen writhes on the floor in pain.
Karen: Now now Bree. No need to get
all snarky. Sometimes it's easier to just
admit you're wrong. Just like it's easy
for me to admit to you what a pleasure
it's been doing an issue with a science
student like you. Granted, you're a prissy, skanky, red neck Science student, but
it's been a pleasure to work with you
none the less.
Bree: Fine. We'll agree to disagree, you
maniacal paranoid confused English
major. Never change. Hey, let's go get a
Karen and Bree skip off in glee.
Owen: Hello? Uh, a little help here? My
eyes are bleeding! Karen? Anyone?
Mommy! March 9, 2000
Gomez - An Experiment m Chaos
by Greg Morris
Forget about stock markets and earthquake
science. I have a new proof for the chaos theory - a British band by the name of Gomez.
How else could you explain the great
melodies and sounds that emerge out of their
chaotic ways? What seems like mayhem and
confusion somehow manage to come together
in the long run to produce two solid albums.
In fact, two years ago their debut CD Bring
It On won one of Britain's highest awards,
the Mercury Prize for best British album.
They are currently touring in support of
their second album Liquid Skin and I had a
chance to meet up with Ben and Oily (it's one
of the perks of being a writer) when they
came through Vancouver.
Think about this. Five blokes meet up at
some university in Sheffield (home of the
greatly named Sheffield Wednesday football/soccer team) and decide to start up a
band. Some of them have actually been in
bands before, and the others have just pretended. But they get together with their
instruments and a four track and and start
producing random noises. There is no method
and no consistency in songwriting or even on
who does what in the band. One day someone will pick up the bass and everyone will
follow. Another, someone else will pick up
the guitar and sing. However, after extensive
bouts of chaotic creativity, a demo tape
emerges and gets handed to a local record
store owner named-Steve. He's got the ins to
the recording industry and Gomez gets
signed and Steve becomes their manager. If
that isn't the essence of chaos into order,
then I don't know what is. Their second
album is no less haphazard. It marks the
first time that Gomez has used a studio and
consists of layering track after track until
everything is filled up creating the wall of
noise complexes that make Liquid Skin a
great second album. But as Ben and Oily
said, they are still learning and discovering
themselves as a band and it is with eager
anticipation that I await their third release,
an EP, due out sometime in early summer
Or else consider this. Before being signed to
a record label, Gomez had virtually no live
experience (of course anyone who is familiar
with the band already knows this since
everyone makes a point of putting it in their
article). In Britain, live music is something
reserved for people who are already popular,
so playing live was something they had to
learn on the way. Being a conscientious band
and not wanting to rip off those who paid to
see the show, Gomez make it a point to put
a little something extra into their live shows.
At first, this expressed itself in random
improvisation. So much so that every night
was a surprise not only for the audience, but
for the band as well. However, as time goes
by, and the live shows accumulate the
improvisation and the skills are refined and
compiled until the end product becomes a
truly galvinizing experience like the one I
had when I saw them play at Dick's on Dicks
(or Richard's on Richards for those of you out
of the loop). And with each successive performance each song changes in unknown
ways so that every show is unique in its own
way, but still has the unmistakable Gomez
quality. Ok, you skeptics and science kids out
there are probably tearing my Gomez and
chaos theory idea to pieces right now, but
hey all you artsies, does this just like blow
your mind or what, dude?
And now for the show. Gomez's opening
band, Sumack, is one of those increasingly
common 'hard to classify' type bands. I'll take
Olly's description and mix it with my own to
say that there is a pop quality to their songs,
but there is also something a little more; the
funked up bass lines, the syncopated drum
beat, the off beat vocals that pulls it somewhere to the left of the pop arena, and into
safe haven (I mean who really wants to be
classified as a pop band anyways?)
Unfortunately I missed half of their set
because I was lazy and didn't want to stand
around staring at my feet for an hour.
Gomez, as usual (at least from the three
shows I've seen) opened up with the first
song from their first album, Get Miles Away.
I don't know what they were trying to get
away from, but they certainly brought everyone in the room closer to the beat and the
energy that would pour out through the rest
of the show. They stayed on stage for about
two hours which pretty much means that
they covered most of their songs from both
albums. Their mix of up and down beat tunes
merged together pulling the crowd through
an emotional and physical rollercoaster. The
highly danceable rhythms and melodies of
songs like Revolutionary Kind, Whippin'
Piccadilly, and Here Comes the Breeze got the
majority of the crowd bouncing on their feet.
They even managed to mix in a short cover
of the Pump Up the Volume chorus into the
ending of Here Comes the Breeze. Cheezy?
Hell ya, but whatever. It was awesome
because it was cheezy. The intro to Las Vegas
Dealer looked like some kind of cross
between a Clint Eastwood Western flick, and
that great guitar battle from Crossroads (The
movie with Ralph Macchio. Kind of like the
Karate Kid, except this time he fights with a
blues guitar. Trust me, it's a lot better than
it sounds). Three quarters of the band clapping out the rhythm on one side while on the
other side Ian Ball worked his magic on the
Then, after getting the crowd moving on
their feet, Gomez would just as easily turn
the audience's gaze in on itself with their
mellower songs. Tijuana Lady, which acord-
ing to Ben was a product of too much Tequila
and Ween (the band, not the herbal remedy,
that's weed, although I'm sure that played a
big role too) began with Tom Gray grabbing
the bass, sitting on his chair, and asking the
crowd to settle down and listen for awhile. It
worked too. We Haven't Turned Around started out softly and just kept building and
building until the room was filled with an
arena-rock atmosphere full of waves of emotion. Devil Will Ride managed to do the same
thing and even had the added bonus of paper
confetti falling from the ceiling. Maybe they
were taking the piss out of that old slogan
"Neither rain, nor sleet, nor snow, can stop
the mail from blah blah whatever," (sorry I
forget how it ends) because as Ian sings, "Not
even the Royal Mail, can deliver us from
what we got into." Extra kudos have to go to
the lighting guys. You wouldn't think that
lighting would be that important, but when
you see it used well, you realize you are
wrong. And also to Oily the drummer
because he put on a clinic on how to drum
well and how to drum hard. I'm surprised he
didn't break his drum kit. So next time
Gomez comes around make sure you get your
tickets early, because I'm definitely bringing
all my friends with me.
•        A        i        i        H        0        ©
fEngCisd, itistory, <PoCiticaC Science &? InteirnationaC <Re(ations
Date: Tuesday, March 21/2000
6pm - 9pm
Buffet Dinner:
m - tam
Ticket Price: $35
(includes two drinks and buffet)
Dress code: formal or disco
Tickets will be sold in front of the AUS office (BuchA207) from   ..
11:30am - 1:30pm on Mondays, Wednesdays, Thursdays, and Fridays. PAGE 11
March 9, 2000
Conspiracy at the Big
Jfjnil IS K seems like a good idea to me to begin recording the details of my li|e;;
in this journal, as strange things have been happening lately at work. You might thifik
that life at the Big J Burger Corral would be uneventful.
Au contraire.
For eighteen satisfying and peaceful years I've worked at the Big J - and now everything is turning sinister, although I seem to be the only one to notice. It started a few
weeks ago. I was on drive-thru, when an unfamiliar pale yellow pick-up truck came
through. The middle-aged man in it had terrifying, icy blue eyes, and wanted directions
to the library. Now tell me, if you wanted to go to the library, why would you come to
a burger place? It struck me right away as suspicious. As well, and here's the clincher, when he handed over his money, there was included in the change some type of
foreign currency. The man apologized profusely, trying to cover obvious worry.
And he's been coming back. Often.
Sometimes through drive-thru, sometimes
directly into the restaurant - evidently scouting
out the place from different angles. Today when
he came in he'd shaved off his mustache -
apparently he thinks we're such fools that we
wouldn't recognize him! But me and Kitty certainly did.
I am beginning to worry.
June 18 The man was back- Under the
guise of friendly small talk, he began probing
for inside details about us employees, I fear
that his attention may be, after all, not on the
restaurant itself but on the people there - but
there are so few clues to go on! He is clever,
very clever. I cannot imagine what his sinister
plan might be. Naturally I didn't reveal anything.
When he realized his questioning was futile, he
changed tactics, acting all sincere and confiding, telling us his name and where he worked,
and that he was new in town. But these details
are of no consequence as I am sure he did not
tell the truth.
JUlie 23 Kitty is so gullible. When I
voiced my concerns to her today, she merely
laughed, with a flip of her long blonde ponytail.
If it's possible for someone's hair to be impudent, Kitty's is.
Someone's got to shake some sense into that
girl. She's Ijved such a sheltered, carefree life
she couldrlt conceive of anyone being evil or
deceptive! I don't resent her money or her status as tie owner's daughter, but her attitude
certain!! grates on my nerves.
JUWfl 2T The man had a small but noticeable cut on his jaw today. Perhaps he has enemies. Perhaps he is not so clever after all.
July JL The man came by early, for coffee.
My heart was heavy as I counted back his
change, under his cold, cold eyes. If I had to
describe him the first thing I'd mention would be
those eyes - they're such a horrible blue - the
blue of a man with no conscience. Kitty thinks
they're| tinted contacts. Anyway, it was so discouraging - in this world, who can you trust?
And forfpne bad person, how many innocents
will be n^rt, or be corrupted and continue the
vicious cl|de? To think that in our cheerful
restauranf% man might stand with an innocent
smile on hiss^ace - and a heart full of sickness
and deceit - %ight "smile, and smile, and be a
damned villain!| - ! The contemplation of this
life, and the fact%iat I had to work on Canada
Day, was a great i%den on my spirit.
The day dragged d\ Then, just when it all
seemed too much to k)lar, when ! was taking
the garbage out back - wn^should be on the
back step but a bouquet of flowers! Of course I
immediately called Kitty over. Tfoe;re was no
card, but the girl, having been railNJn the
belief that everything good was put on theie&rtji
solely for her enjoyment, immediately toot?*
charge and put the flowers in the big silver cup
from the milkshake machine. Me, I watched
tolerantly, feeling much better, not to mention suddenly very much
older and wiser. I believe that the flowers were a sign for me, telling
me to cheer up and maintain a positive attitude. If I am strong and
fearless perhaps I can avert the evil of the man in the pale yellow
truck. Yes -1 know I can.
JUly S The man continues to stop by almost every day, ever
friendly, and often leaving large tips. Kitty, ignoring my warnings,
talks to him with greater and greater trust and lack of discretion,
about her f^raUyjsas#the'few% and everything else. She tells me
he is a tonely widower, new to the area, who comes here merely to
be among people - and she seems to believe this story completely! He even had the audacity to tell her she remindea^him of his
daughter, away at college. His story is so obvious manufactured!
But those affluent from birth are blind to the most blatantly suspicious persons.
I have never seen a man with such murderous eyes.
Jllly ICt The man had what was obviously a blood stain on
the cuff of his sleeve today! I was shocked by his boldness. He
made futile attempt to hide it, then explained it away as "ketchup."
I fear more "ketchup" may be spilled if we do not keep an eye on
this dangerous character.
July IS The local policemen often come in for a cup of coffee. Two of them stopped by this morning/as our man was leaning
on the counter chatting with Kitty about the price of university (her
father, of course, has offered to send her to the institution of her
choice; but she's a flighty girl, not ready to settle down to serious
studying). At any rate, the man paled noticeably when he saw the
officers, whom I greeted cheerfully with a meaningful comment
about how often they come to the Big J.
I wonder if he's on the run from the law, or if he is still plotting and
has yet to commit his crime.
Jllly 12 Kitty and I and the man had a nice conversation
about television shows today. The man expressed a fondness for
the Andy Griffith Show.
"Oh, so you enjoy shows about officers of the law?" I questioned
"Well -1 just like Andy Griffith," he explained feebly.
"Don't you like law officers?" I persisted.
But before he could answer Kitty jumped in with a comment about
some other show.
She and I have not been getting along very well lately.
Jllly 18 The evidence is in! We were discussing gun registration laws (my topic of choice) and the man let it slip that he did
indeed possess several handguns. He seemed (understandably)
stunned when he realized what he had disclosed, then began stuttering about family heirlooms and whatever other nonsense, trying
to modify his confession. I only smiled. Oh, he must hate me. f
hope he hates me enough to leave town - but I fear my discjas'ure
may have put me into danger. I will from now on no^Jeave my
apartment after dark, and will stay away form^jiotslary places -
piaees where no one would hear a gunshot -^
JUly 3111 To my shock, the man came back today. He
pulled up through the drive-thru in his yellow pick-up, and
in my mind I could see the scene unfolding: I would hand
him his change, and find a revolver against my head. It was
time for action, and 1 knew the moment was mine. So I
sprinted to the phone Ind dialed the police.
Upon arriving at the by-trlen-chaotic Big J, the spineless
officers explained that there weren't enough grounds for an
arrest. They even apologized Ibt the man.
The day's events upset me gre%tly, so I came home early,
and now sit locked tight in my a|artment, listening for the
small sounds of a lock being picked or window being pried
open. I have with me the heaviest objects I could find,
including my old frying pan, in cfse it comes to hand-to-
hand combat. The phone is also fearby but I have lost my
faith in the forces of law and ordef. If I am unable to defend
myself, and the story of my dealh leaks out to the public -
then, if that leads to a reform in this country's police forces
- then my death shall not have been in vain.
Perhaps they will even publish this diary.
have been fired! It was a tremendous blow
after what was possibly the most terrifying night of my life. Too upset to be tactful, I demanded the truth: had Kitty complained about me? I can't believe how
that girl gets her way. It's disgraceful!
She deserves whatever happens to her.
The owner told me the reason was yesterday's "embarrassment." He's no better than his daughter. I should probably
be happy to be rid of both of them, the
ingrates. They just better not come crying to me when the man decides to
make his move.
Eighteen years I've worked there!
since Kitty was in diapers!... No they'd
better not come crying to me.
July Stl It's happened! The man
took advantage of the unsettled condition at the Big J yesterday. He's kidnapped Kitty! - Lured her to his truck to
show her a picture of his supposed
daughter, then took off with what was, I
imagine, a very surprised and humbled
Kitty. He left a ransom note in an envelope at his talje.
Of course I im%iediately phoned up my
former employeltwhen I found out, not
holding a grudge %bout my unwarranted
dismissal, to see how he was holding
up. I thought maybe I could help. But he
was too distracted to talk, and of course
hounded on all sides by the media and
the police.
The man, by the way, was using a false
name, had a long criminal record, and
was indeed already on the run from the
law. Fortunately in the past, he's never
harmed his kidnappees, so I really don't
see why Kitty's father is so exaggeratedly upset. He always has been one to
I kind of wish I could've been there
when it happened. Ah, well. I've been
summoned to the police station to help
in their investigation. I shall be gracious
and helpful, of cou/se, as I have tried to
be all along; butjrou know, I'm suddenly feeling somejlympathy, even admiration, for the jman. He certainly was
clever, although of course I was cleverer. And thefowner can afford the ransom. And; somebody had to teach that
Kitty a lesson or two.
No, this really
isn't a bad
thing, at all. PAGE TWELVE
10 MARCH 2000
Hey, Breeder...
John Hallett
Call him Daddy
You know, as I've been growing older,
I've started to think about children
more and more. Maybe it's my waning
years, maybe it's the fact that most of my
friends now are married and have kids, or
maybe it's the fact that I live next to the two
most annoying brats on the planet.
These kids are the absolute worst. I walk by
their apartment door everyday, and everyday I
hear the little brats yelling cries of "No, no,
no!", "You can't make me!", and (my personal favourite) "But I don't want to!" All of
these shouts are invariably followed by a
piercing wail and genuine Jump-Up-And-
Down-Until-Mommy-Relents Tantrum. And
mommy does relent. She has to, otherwise
why would these kids continue to be such
brats. If the kid throws a tantrum, spank their
butt until it turns red. Most sentient beings
would put two and two together eventually, so
I don't see why children wouldn't. But apparently this kind of backwoods discipline is
beyond the pampered yuppie breeder who
lives next door.
I don't know which is worse: having to
endure this kind of aural abuse every time I
leave my apartment, or enduring the ensuing
"Oh, but they're just sooo cute" that gushes
out of my girlfriend. Cute? I think not. Hamsters are cute. Bunny rabbits are cute. Blondes
in very tight mini-skirts are also cute, especially if they're wearing a loosely buttoned
white dress shirt with no bra and are carelessly handling a running garden hose. Sigh. But I
Why would I want a kid of my own? What
possible reason could I have for needing one
of these? Do I have such a low image of
myself that the only way to make me feel better is to get a stupider, smaller, fatter, and
generally dirtier version of myself to follow
me around all day? Nope, the only beneficial
use that I can come up with for toddlers is to
slowly fill up the elevator shaft in my building
so that the elevator has a bit of cushioning
when it stops on P3. (Oh come on, you can't
be that disgusted by that last line; I'll bet you
were telling dead baby jokes in high school.)
Actually, now that I put my head to it, newborn babies can serve one genuinely useful
purpose. Did you know that childless millionaires are willing to pay $50-60,000 for an
infant? Think about that for a second. Sixty.
There is but one way for a newspaperman to look at a politician, and
that is down.
-Frank H. Simonds
Like International Coffees?
You're going to love the
Amnesty International Coffee House!
Amnesty International's Second Annual Coffee House
When: Thursday, March 16,
7pm - midnight
Where: Gallery Pub, SUB
t (6138 Student Union Blvd.)
What: A night of music
by local and student
musicians to raise
funds for Amnesty's
human rights
activism Admission
is $3
by the UBC Amnesty International Club. For more
information, call 822-9098 or email
amnestyubc @ hotmail.com
Thousand. Dollars. That's a hell of a lot more
than I earn in a year. How long does it take to
pump out a kid? Nine months? This little tidbit of information makes pregnancy seem like
viable career option. Throw in some fertility
pills and you can probably pop out two or
three at a time. That's pretty nice cash.
Now, I'd just like to take a minute and clearly state that under no circumstances do I advocate selling babies for $60,000 in profit. Aside
from being immoral and unjust, it is just plain
wrong. Nothing in the world could convince
me to sell a child for $60,000 to a rich American, especially when that same kid could net
a total of about $150,000 when chopped up
and sold for spare organs on the Thai black
market. <duck>
Whoa, that brick came awful close. Okay,
now that I know that I've got your attention, I
can say that the last quip about children as
organ farms was simply for satirical purpose.
I would never, ever, advocate setting up a
makeshift nursery in my basement so I can
grow the kids to the marketable age of 18
months before shipping them off to Thailand
in wooden crates with only two thousand Styrofoam peanuts and a big suppository to keep
them happy. <duck> I'm just joking, people!
And no, I won't let you in my house without a
Actually, come to think of it, maybe I would
like to have John Jr. awkwardly tailing after
me eventually. I mean, my life goal is to rule
the known world with an iron fist, but I will
need an heir. In fact, I could start breeding a
whole army of crack Johnlings for the sole
purpose of keeping my person safe. Better yet,
I've heard a lot of good press about that whole
cloning thing...
The first time I read this article, I passed out
from sheer terror. I awoke on the cold
asbestos-tiled floor of the office, knowing that
my whole world had changed. The only thing
that had any certainty in this world was the
determination that John Hallett must not
breed. John was 13 pounds when he was
born, and his brother was bigger. Holy C-
Section Batman!
Besides, it is much more humane to use
mimes as the cushioning for the elevator
shaft. Babies at least have the possibility to
become productive members of society once
they grow up. What can mimes do for us? Do
they pay taxes on their air houses? What
about the ropes they climb?
'Cause we ddp't want it any more!
Sweaterf$30, Teafe-and Blue ^3
Beer mug: $3.50, 22 oz. Blue&big!
Silver Coffey Mug: $20,
71 T-Shirts: $12    	
Benku #2
sometimes the sky,
is filled with blue stuff...then again,
sometimes it isn't.
at. Patricks Day
4:00 - 8
March 1
Green Bzzr for
Psyderfor $1.50
Wear Green and that's
Bring a can of food for the^RKtanlc
and  get two  bzzrs for a  dollar! Med school prerequisites can be brutal. But as
Hippocrates was overheard to say "Often there's
a better way to fulfill a dream" Yes, there is
another choice in your quest for a health care
career. It is chiropractic. Here's why:
Scientifically-based chiropractic is...
• a revolutionary and path-breaking
approach to health care
• an accepted scientific, evidence-
based approach to patient care
• rated in the top 25% of America's
best occupations with the fastest
increase in annual income
• projected as a profession where
employment opportunity is "expected to increase
rapidly and job prospects should be good "
Choose Los Angeles College
of Chiropractic
Los Angeles College of
Chiropractic (LACC) is the
North American leader in
chiropractic education.
Here's why:
LACC is...
• the leader in chiropractic
scientifically-based and
evidence-based approach to patient care
• a leader in chiropractic programs of sports
medicine with emphasis in sports injuries, nutrition,
radiology, pediatrics and pain management
• located near one of the world's most important
urban centers, yet offers a peaceful and intimate
suburban college environment
• the only chiropractic college accredited by the
Western Association of Schools and Colleges.
(WASC) Founded in 1911, LACC has a long and
proven tradition of excellence
College of Chiropractic
4 ways to
learn more
about LACC:
16200 E. Amber Valley Dr.
P.O. Box 1160
Whittier,CA 90609-1166
1. Call us: 1-800-221-5.2^ (ext. 417)
2. E-mail us: inquiry@lacc.edu
3. Check out our web site: www.lacc.edu
4. Come and see us by calling and scheduling
a visit with an LACC admission counselor
At LACC you will...
• participate in our renowned ADVANTAGE
Program, that provides problem-oriented,
competency-based, and patient-centered
•work with faculty and leading medical
schools on research projects funded by the U.S.
Federal Government on the West Coast
• become a Doctor of Chiropractic (DC) and fulfill
your dream of a career in health care
Your Future is
in Your Hands
Canadian tuition discount available PAGE 14
March 9, 2000
The Government Didn't Want You To Read...
by Annette Scheepers 	
Now back in print! Check them out!
plA^t0 stay **» *£ jotes » tblS
\ection ot ,     sex,
tvev^^1011    - -If * ^     for"
Jhe Pedophile's Handbook" by Kidd S
R. Hot, Small Things Books, $12 S"
The ultimate Vancouver-based how-to guide  Find
out the best local candy stores, the mosUuCrat"e
Playgrounds, and get new ideas for funny ^
Includes a whole selection of pick-up lines ST
Best  sentence  (some   things just  don't  change)-
Uncle s goy^ndy for yo%." cnange).
"I Meant To Do It!" by
Marty McSorley, NHL
News, (they pay you if
you take one)
The shocking truth about the
most violent incident in hockey
history. McSorley tells it all.
The truth lies out there and
it's always dirty. A must-read!
Best sentence: "Next time TU
just have to hit him harder!"
MP from hiTSLT^Ta Iittle
E-fent  PicturTs^lUlywTingl
could be like him! Sh  ym
Best sentence- "/)«   „
Ule> scum, die!"
"The Underground's Sex Guide" by The Undergound's
female staff, UNC Publishers, invaluable $$
A Nobel-prize suspectible compilation in the field of our expertise: Sex! All advice (ie. "Ten Tips for for Necrophiles" or "I Did
Them All") has of course been thoroughly researched. If you get
the impression that the authors of this indispensible and important work are nymphomaniacs, then you're right.
Best sentence: All of them, but if we had to choose: "My morals
are as low as I get high."
dieter "I Am Not A Fundraiser" l&apoii
by Jamaal
money... Christians will take over the wealth
from the sinner." Trees died for this? Oh,
another little known fact from the letter:
"For this shall be the beginning of Jamaal's
'decade of reaping'." Sweet. This letter was
fucked. It assured me this was "not some
kind of professional fund raising letter" and
offered as proof that fake photocopied marker shit all over the typed print. Feeling
intellectually underestimated? Hey, here's
my crazy Christian craft for the week:
Okay, kids. I've got a plan, but I'm gonna
need some help. We've got to get this Peter
Popoff guy off my back (and yours too, brother). For those of you who missed our last
hair-raising episode, I called everyone's
favourite televangelist to get some free
"Miracle Spring Water" and also managed to
pick up a new best friend at no extra charge.
Hey, the juice was cool, and the encouragement healing if insincere, but now things
are getting a bit weird for me.
My second "gift" was a "Faith
Handkerchief" (a red square of polyester)
which the Lord led Peter to loan me. "God
has awakened me at night and I have sat
' up in bed with tears running down my
cheeks, crying out to God— for YOU!"
Touching, but please, I find crying so
manipulative. Do you really expect me to
place a man-made fibre like polyester in
my bible (Acts, Ch. 19, Verses 11 & 12),
with my name on it (what, my Christian
name?), and priority-post it back to you
with my "sacrifice" ("It may be a $50 bill
or $25. It may be a check."), so you can
rush it off to the next family in need (so
how come there's no name on it from the
last family)?   Peter, Peter, Peter.
The third letter I received got me excited all over again, (like masturbating left-
handed for the first time) for here was the
book I was promised: DIVINE WEALTH, by
Peter Popoff. Did you know: "God is looking
for men and women in these final days with
whom   He   can   trust  LARGE   amounts   of    taPed to il and Print y°ur needs> URGENT
needs.      PLACE   THE   PRAYER   FOLDER
"Unlimited reaping for you!'
Rev. Popoff tells it like it is.
must place it on the HOLY ALTAR OF
PRAYER God has directed me to build here
and leave it there for 37 hours."
Okay, so here's my question: Where's the
cutoff point? How much shit can this guy
afford to send every late-night infomercial
thrill-seeker (okay, not very thrilling, but
watchya gonna do)? When does Peter
decide that enough's enough since he's
obviously never going to see a penny from
me? I assume this will carry on as long
as I continue encouraging the boy, so
here's the plan part: I figure the only way
the world will ever rid itself of scum like
this is by turning their methods against
them. We must all, as concerned teleciti-
zens, take it upon ourselves to learn and
return, to read and react, and to flood the
blasphemer's world with such ignorant
enthusiasm as to cause his mouth to
water at the mere suggestion of the financial potential and his printers to create
propaganda at inconceivable rates, leveraging their entire empire on the promise
of an ecclesiastic payoff only to reach the
hallowed day and find what? A hundred
thousand snickering kids, smugly baptizing their joints in "Miracle Spring Water"
and wiping their asses with "Faith
Handkerchiefs." Join us.  We shall be strong.
Get this bastard by writing Rev. Peter
Popoff, People United for Christ, P.O. Box
1400, Stn. U, Toronto, Ont., M8Z 9Z9. March 9, 2000
10 MARCH 2000
SUS Executive Elections!
Keri Gammon
Welcome to another round of SUS
executive elections! I'm Keri
Gammon, your one and only
presidential candidate. Lucky me, I suppose, although I was really hoping for some
fierce competition. There's nothing like a
good mud-wrestle-for-the-presidency to get
the voters hyped. My experience? I'm cur
rently the SUS Secretary, AMS councillor,
new Senator-At-Large and undergrad rep on
various committees, from hiring to academics to awards. My goals? In general, to
bring new initiatives and improve existing
SUS events/programs for YOU, the students
that SUS exists to serve and represent. So
make sure to vote March 15-17, and
External Vice President
Corrie Baldwin
Hey People! I'm Corrie and I'm running for External Vice President.
Some of you may not even know
what External VP does. Basically, External
VP plans Science Week. I already have
experience as Science Council's Microbiology rep. and as a member of First Year
Committee. This position definitely required
lots of organization planning. In the past
many science students have missed Science
Week without even knowing it occurred. I
hope to arrange for more publicity for this
event, so as many of us as possible can be
involved, and then celebrate at COLD
Ajay Puri
WHY?? Well b/c AJAY PURI said so! Seriously though with being on the executive of
the SUS last year as the Social Co-ordinator, I have gained valuable experience on
how things run and would love to carry on
my leadership and determination for another term. Cold Fusion (concert w/ Nickel-
back) and Gamesday were the 2 big success
stories that I was in charge of (along with
Kat) Next year my main goals will to be to
revive Science Week, address all issues pertinent to science students thru my seat on
AMS and on SUS. Vote for AJAY PURI.
Internal Vice President
Reka Sztopa
Hi, I'm Reka Sztopa and I'm running
for re-election as Internal VP. My
experience on Science Council
included First Year Rep and co-chair of the
First Year Committee last year, as well as
Internal VP this year. As Internal VP I ran
the October Science Elections, chaired First
Year Committee and Academic committee,
sat on Imagine Steering Committee, and
organized the Annual General Meeting, the
Wine and Cheese and turnover.
Next year, I plan to do it again. And this
time it will be even better.
Sameer Wahid
Hey there!! Since you probably don't
know me, I'm in second year chemistry. I spend a lot of time in SUS,
and was temporary Science Sales Manager
this year. Some goals I'd like to achieve
next year are:
-creation of an exam database;
-making scholarships and degree-related
jobs more accessible;
-making Science students involved in SUS.
Furthermore, SUS holds many functions
andevents each year , and the more people,
the better. If you have any suggestions or
questions, feel free to e-mail me at
wahid@interchange.ubc.ca. So vote Sameer
Wahid for VP Internal!!!
Public Relations Officer
Adam Mott
Howdy, I'm Adam Mott, a third year
honours immunology student. Next
year I will implement new initiatives including a more substantial Class Act
campaign, resources regarding employment
for Science grads, a mentoring program for
frosh and expanded SUS involvement in
charitable work. I will also provide strong
and responsible representation for Science
students as an AMS councillor. My vast
experience includes being an AMS commissioner, an Intramurals volunteer and an
executive on Gage Community Council.
Finally, I met Snoop Dogg today in the
parking lot of GM Place after the Grizzlies
game, and he said "VOTE ADAM, HE'S
Breeonne Baxter
You may remember me from such
publications as the 432 and Paradigm. I'm back for another kick at
the cat (not that cat). What have I done this
year? I ran not one, but two papers; went to
AMS occasionally; was instrumental in the
overthrow of the past AMS Executive;
haven't quit, been impeached, embezzled or
arrested, and John Hallett will never appear
naked in my paper again. From now on,
only pretty naked people in the 432. I love
you all (but not like that), so re-elect
Breeonne Baxter for Director of Publications. Because there is no spoon.
Executive Secretary
Michael Boetzkes
Vote vote vote vote vote vote vote
vote vote vote vote vote vote vote
vote vote vote vote vote vote vote
vote vote vote vote for for for for for for for
for for for for for for for for for for for for
for for for for for for Michael Michael
Michael Michael Michael Michael Michael
Michael Michael Michael Michael Michael
Michael Michael Michael Michael Michael
Michael Michael Michael Michael Michael
Michael Michael Michael Boetzkes Boetzkes
Boetzkes Boetzkes Boetzkes Boetzkes Boetzkes Boetzkes Boetzkes Boetzkes Boetzkes
Boetzkes Boetzkes Boetzkes Boetzkes Boetzkes Boetzkes Boetzkes Boetzkes Boetzkes
Boetzkes Boetzkes Boetzkes Boetzkes Boetzkes.
Ryan Morasiewicz
What makes me qualified to be the
Executive Secretary of the Science Undergraduate Society? For
the past year, I've been a SUS council member, representing the Alternative and Integrative Medical Society (AIMS), where I'm
the past Director of Administration, and cur
rent Director of Finance. I also sit on AMS
council as a Science Student Representative.
My first priority when elected will be to
meticulously review the SUS constitution.
Several sections, specifically those regarding clubs, are severely outdated and require
significant amendments to update obsolete
passages. I have the attention to detail and
qualifications to make this happen.
Sherry Yang
Energy, enthusiasm, dedication and
diligence. This is what I will bring to
SUS Council as a Secretary and as a
science student out to represent you! SUS is
a relevant part of each Science student's life;
I intend to make it more so by ensuring that
student perspectives and opinions are incorporated into decisions that affect everything
from the quality of education to the social
events. Count on me to work hard, to work
efficiently and to get the job done. Given
your vote and a little bit of time, I fully
intend to make you glad you elected me.
Jagmeet Dost
Hey everyone. I'm Jag, your current
Director of Finance. I took over this
position in mid-November last year,
replacing the guy who resigned. And I'm
running for it again. Over the past four
months, I've learned the finer points of the
position, and I guarantee you that I can do a
better job than any other person running for
this position. Why? 3 reasons: First, I know
the people I have to deal with atffie~AMS
Business Office (and they like me a lot). Second, I know how to count money. And finally, I'm easy to talk to, so I can communicate
better (ask any science club that's had to deal
with me).
PS. I don't embezzle either. Peach.
Rajesh Pachchigar
As we head forward into the new millennium, I promise within my capabilities to do the best job possible in
financing with YOUR money. As a department rep for the past year I have acquired a
working knowledge of the council and
believe myself to be capable of counting to a
1,000,000. So when you look at the muddle
of names on the ballot, let only one stand out
and smack you across the face to let you
know who to vote for: Rajesh Pachchigar. I
leave you with my final words, "Show me
the money!"
Alan HcllK< Iltill
fi nance
Vote March 15th to 17th
Donl Forget Your Student
r. - NCI
Social Coordinator
Dan Anderson
Fish. Flying monkeys. Vote Dan. PVC
is fun. Cheap (or free) Bzzr is more
fun. If you want much cheap and free
alkohol, Dan the Man is your friend. If you
don't drink, but enjoy laughing, then Dan
the Man is your friend, because you'll be
able to laugh your #$$ off at the drunk people who can't stop walking into things (and
getting refills). If alkoholik pressures don't
influence you at all, I'm also going to try
(very hard) to have other fun activities...
we'll see what we can come up with. Aardvark. Vote Dan. Flying purple tutued-ele-
phant toes.
SUS Exec Elections! Mar. 15-17
Bring your student card to vote!   Vote Early, Vote Often! 10 MARCH 2000
The .Executive Outboxes of SUS
Internal Vice
Reka Sztopa
I hope that you are enjoying the joint
432/Underground and are really excited to
be reading my exec report, as I know you
always are. There are a few major things happening in the next few weeks, and I hope that
you can come out and show some Science spirit. The SUS Annual General Meeting was on
Thursday, March 9th. It was fun. Good food,
great times. Watch for it next year!
FYC is hosting a St.Patrick's Day Dance on
Friday, March 17th at 8pm in the International House. Tickets are $5 and can be bought
from any FYC member or from the SUB Box
Office. Also, the Canned Food Drive is still
on! Please bring your generous donations to
the SUS lounge (Chem B160) and support the
Vancouver Food Bank.
Well, I know that you've thoroughly enjoyed
yet another installment of my fun-filled exec
report. Have a great week!
Keri Gammon
Keri hasn't made me one cup of coffee,
ever, and I'm beginning to wonder
why I voted for her. Just teasing, Keri
knows I love to make my own coffee. What
has Ms. Gammon done for you this year? She
has made it her personal goal to be our liaison
with the Dean's office, where she is affection-
ally know as "that Gammon girl". She went
around to each and every class in the faculty of
Science to get a survey filled out (if you don't
remember it, it must have been that day you
skipped). She actually went to AMS council on
occasion and has stood up for the rights of Joe
Average Science Student (Tuition Policy #72
Grr! was the direct quote, I believe). Plus,
she's taken the time out of her busy schedule
to get herself elected onto UBC Senate! I suspect the girl has plans for world domination.
Well, better to have someone who can lay the
smack down. Rah, Keri.
The following exec reports were written by the editor, not the exec.
Lazy bastards.
El Presidente
Mike Boeztkes
After taking the position at a time near
Christmas, Mikey has managed to
demonstrate an eerie quality to vanish
when needed to take charge, reappear when
we need someone to tap a keg, and create
more "spillage" than a janitor on the Titanic.
He's always cute, wears plaid every single
day, and buys us donughts when we ask nicely.
But what, you ask, has he done for Joe Average Science Student? At each and every meeting of the SUS Council, he maintains order
with decorum, grace and a big stick. He loves
to go that extra mile for each and every science student, especially the cute and cuddly
ones. That's Mikey. He's one of a kind.
Jag Dost
Well, the good news is that Jag hasn't
embezzled everything and run off to
Hawaii. He also helped us find
chairs and computers and a printer and a
finance guy with a great fashion sense. I mean,
he's the only one of the executive who could
colour coordinate his shirt and tie and turban.
Oh yeah, and he managed to not lose money
like the past social coordinators.
But enough about him. What about me? I
want to have the signing power of the AMS
accounts. I want a car. I want to have one
uninterrupted weekend. Hey Jag, can I have
some money?
Social Coordinator
Ajay Puri
A jay's a bit of an anomaly. He jumped
into the So-Co spot at the same time as
Mikey because President, as our former So-Co, Miss Jenn, decided to continue her
academic career in Montreal. We'll always
remember you, Jenn.
Ekaterina .Saenko
But I digress. Ajay has got to be the sparkiest
person I have ever met. I have gotten several
emails from him signed "pornstar", which
leads me to believe that Ron Jeremy has invaded his computer. He's been all over our beer
gardens, finally managing to find the liquor
license. We have the next one on the 17th, so
come on out and drink yourself stupid.
So thanks for Ajay, being the fun-lovin' guy
who didn't lose too much money on Cold
Fusion. Yay Ajay!
First off,
I want
to apologize to Kate for misspelling her
name incorrectly in the last issue. Sorry Kate.
Then, it's time for Kate's review o' the year.
Kate came into office after the SUS executive
by-elections. She ran Class Act and got $1000
or so from the graduating class. The Dean's
Office matched that and so there is $2000 for
the gift. What is the money going towards? I
have no idea. That's ok, because I'm not grad
uating this year.
I hear that she looks cute in a mini-skirt too.
Enough about Kate. Time for me. I'm special. In fact, I'm so special that I took my time
to write blurbs for the executive who didn't
bother to write ones for this issue. How nice
of me.
I also lost my train of thought.
Oh well. Have a fun day, enjoy the exec
blurbs and the rest of the paper, and stay tuned
to these pages to see who the new exec will be
the next year.
La la. PAGE 18
March 9, 2000
The Game
How To Play:
Step 1  - Find a friend.    Or, for the optional solo-game,
pretend that you're two people.
Step 2  - Obtain game-pieces, preferably small
enough to choke young children.   Suggested
game pieces:    coins, bottle caps, pieces
of lint, contact lenses, dung bee-      ^^^TVS. WATCHMEN!
ties, midgets, drops of mercury,    ^^T After your 15th beer, you
cherry   tomatoes,   belly   buttons,    shoelaces,    chicken
YEE HAW! You ride
the mechanical bull and
don't even spill
your beer... or puke.
heads,    bits   of   cheese,
false       teeth,       cow
tongues,     eyes    of
newt,  bat  wings,
rat's blood,
dragon's   claw,
or you  could
pass out.  Damn.
Go forward one.
You pass out next to the^
pee fence.  Double damn.
Go forward one.
where   you
You pass out next to the pee
fence, covered in a mud, and
lying in a pool of your own
vomit. (And you thought just
passing out was bad).
You .actually made ^^^^
\\ to the last band.   ^^^^^^^ You
Party on!      ^^^^^^^   stumble
home to rez / a
friend's floor / ihe bus /
your designated driver's >car. Or,,
you can call your Mom to piclt
you up. Don't drink   ^J name.
You win!
Arts County Fair
is over.  You've
found your friends
You've got an empty
wallet, both shoes, your
keys, and your beer
mug.  And you still
remember your
It's been
The drumstick you caught from the
band pokes you in the eye.
Go back two spaces.
You catch a
drumstick from the band!
drink more drink more drink more
drink more drink more drink more
drink more drink more drink more
drink more drink more drink more
[You buy your TA a beer..
_and instantly pass Geog
Are you ready
for some
You found the
pee fence! If you're a
guy, move forward one.  If
you're a girl, move back one.
and drive!
a good day.
drink d
Step 3 ~ Arm wrestle, fist fight, or flip a coin to see who goes
first.   Then, take that same coin (or arm) and flip to advance.
Heads - 1 space
Tails - 2 spaces
You come out
of the mosh pit with
your beer mug and
You   "^^^^footfi shoes!
lose your   "^|^   b^,
Step 4 - Enjoy;
Oh well.
Flip again.
You wake
up with a
|bottle of gin in'
your hand,
ready to begin
the day.
Meet up
with your
You lost
your ticket.
Dude, that
sucks! Go back
to start.
\  ~1
March 9, 2000
:■ L. C ~?itt :^s$$gwN$£i*i ■> -*U%f >'.fA.» |*>«M*#^u &. *--& s*ts'-ss' i      ^t«aft*i«s u* ftr Ss-^j s^ssf!*


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