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The 432 Feb 25, 2003

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 VOLUME SIXTEEN ISSUE TEN
25 FEBRUARY 2003
'These fortune cookies are substandard/
■Sameer Wahid
Second Coming Thwarted By
Emergency Contraceptive
Salvation of Mankind Delayed Another 2000 Years
U.B.C.
The long awaited second coming of
the messiah, or possibly the first (or
even third) depending on your religious convictions, was foiled Sunday
morning when second year Arts student,
Mary, took the morning after pill.
"I met this guy at a party, right, and even
though all these hot chicks with wings
were hanging around, he came over to me.
I was so flattered ... I guess that I just got
carried away in the moment," explained
Mary.
"He had this glow about him . . . it's
impossible to describe, and I have always
had this thing for older men with beards.
"Anyway, I took him back to my place,
and we fooled around for a while before
we had sex."
When asked what it was like to have
"done the dirty" with God, Mary replied,
"You'd think an omnipotent being would
last more than three minutes in bed. He
didn't even stick around to help me get off.
It was all 'Wham-Bam, Thank you, Ma'am.'
Man really was made in God's image."
Asked what she did next, Mary continued, "I was tired, so I went to bed. It wasn't until the next morning that I realized he
hadn't worn a condom."
Apparently, once the heavenly glow had
worn off, Mary awoke with a start and
went directly to the soon-to-be-closed
emergency department at University Hospital for a morning after pill. Later, back
home, Mary was visited by Gabriel and a
chorus of angels.
"The fucking chorus of angels were all
hung over, and didn't show up until 2 in
the afternoon to inform me of the importance of the pregnancy. By then, it was too
late."
Upon hearing the news, the chorus of
angels reportedly got drunk again and
rioted, doing several million dollars of
damage to GM Place.
Since the news broke, several other
women have come forward with similar
stories of seduction, many of them single
mothers. Descriptions of the "god" that
seduced them range from bald to blue-
haired to covered head to toe in hair.
Ttlt FARMING LQT IS fiJLt
by    Jack    McLaren    and    Pat    Spaced
htt a' //www S3 i if, c o m
Hey, Ho^k Qo+ your
monkey  »A f^y   peanut loafer
"Maybe my child's a son of god, too!"
exclaimed Monika Switch. "I mean, I never
knew who the father was, and things
seemed pretty heavenly at the time."
With all the claims of god sired children,
ranging from the unborn to 17 years of age,
religious groups have devised tests and
criteria to distinguish between the "devil-
born" and the "divine-born" in case one of
them is indeed sired by God. According to
religious leader, Barney Glotz, all claims
either are children born of Satan impersonating God in order to amass satanic followers to bring upon eternal darkness to
mankind, or they are children of horny
angels reaching their once in three millennia high in their sex drive.
"It is highly unlikely that any of these children or pregnancies are God-sired children, or why would He have attempted
impregnate Mary as well?" concluded
Glotz.
According to the United Christian Faith
Association (UCFA), any children born of
God would most likely be of virgin mothers either uneducated, or taking non-evil
degrees such as English, Theology, or
Music (especially harp, violin or french
horn). Evil degrees such as most Sciences
(especially Evolutionary Biology), Engineering, Forestry, Political Science, and
Theatre would most likely rule out a
women from being a "holy carrier." Features such as hair length and eye colour are
apparently not important, though the
UCFA claims that not possessing ugly
moles, or other marks of the devil could be
considered likely criteria.
In a national speech yesterday, US President George Bush announced that terrorism was not likely cause of any devil children being born, but like all God fearing
Americans should, he was going to pray
for God to protect his soul and his sperm
from the devil.
"We can say with a high degree of certainty that these children of questionable siring
had no connection to Osama bin Laden or
the Al' Qaeda. There were no intercepted
calls between suspected terrorists and any
of the women who have come forward, as
well as no signs of biological, chemical or
radiological weapons.
Colin Powell Speaks
Calls World "A Bunch Of Poop-Heads"
The origin of Rhesus Peanut Butter Cups"
New York City (Reuters)
U.S. Secretary of State Colin Powell
made his point clearer than ever in
his 37th straight speech concerning
a U.S.-led invasion of Iraq, to the UN
Council by calling every other nation in the
world "a bunch of poop-heads."
"You know, I don't know what's wrong
with you people." Powell began his
speech, "We've told you over and over
again that we need to invade Iraq/ and you
just haven't agreed with us. What else do
you want? How many times must we tell
you how dangerous this country is if left to
its own devices? After all, they have
instructions on how to make a nuclear
bomb hidden in millions of what they
claim to be high school textbooks," he continued, "and I quote: 'in world war two,
the Manhattan project successfully created
the first atom bombs, by taking' - and here
they actually put the type and amount of
radioactive material used, as if it doesn't
matter! - 'and then they were detonated
over Hiroshima (little boy) arid Nagasaki
(big boy), in the two explosions that have
claimed the most human lives in history.'
Can you believe that? They make it sound
like we had a choice. And they try to claim
this is a History textbook, not some piece
of propaganda with specific instructions on
how to build a nuclear bomb. This cannot,
I say cannot be allowed."
The recent speech is the latest in a series of
name-calling from Powell, who has called
countries disagreeing with his government's position on the need to use force to
topple Saddam "cowards," "fools," and
"wishy-washy hemp-loving ice-cream eating hippies that don't bathe and have no
sense of international politics."
When asked for comment, U.S, President
George W. Bush replied that "Saddam
Hussein has not disarmed and does not
intend to, which necessitates the use of
force against him. The relevance of the UN
in today's world lies in enforcing our mandate", marking roughly the 68th straight
speech in which he has reminded people of
that exact same evaluation of the situation.
Powell ended his speech by quivering his
lip before throwing himself to the floor and
pounding his fist screaming 'But I wanna! I
wanna! I wanna!' He then attempted to
hold his breath until he died to sway the
Council, but gave up after 55 seconds. Page Two
THE FOUR THIRTY TWO
25 February 2003
Conflict of Interest
Elections Administrator Attempts to Run in SUS Election
Volume Sixteen
Issue Ten
25 February 2003
Virgin
Benjamin Warrington
fhe432@hofmai7.com
Egg
Dan Anderson (Fiend)
Sperm
Dan Anderson (Fiend)
Atalanta
Anna-Marie Bueno
David Chesire
Miyako Hewett
Jo Krack
Andy Martin
Curtis Mewhort
Michelle Nelson
George Stevens
Reka Sztopa
Ben Tippett
Eric Tong
Sameer Wahid
Benjamin Warrington
Jonathan Woodward
Frank Yang
Eggy Yuh
Chris Zappavigna
Midwife
College Printers, Vancouver, BC
Legal Information
The 432 is published fortnightly
from the pancreas of the (Colonel)
Klinck Building. All views expressed
in this issue are strictly those of the
individual writers, and as such are
not the responsibility of the 432,
The Science Undergraduate Society,
or the Faculty of Science. Writers
and cartoonists are encouraged to
submit their material to the 432.
Submissions must meet the requirements of making the editor chuckle
at least thrice, and contain the
author's name and contact information.
We would like to encourage reader
feedback. Be it nasty, perverted, or
just plain mean, we still want to
hear it. Especially if it is perverted.
Contact us at: fhe432@hofma//.com
Remember views expressed are
those of the contributors. Don't like
it? Then contribute.
The editor is not a virgin; it is a reference to the cover article, you twit.
T\ie 432 has obtained a copy of the
apparently valid nomination form
that SUS Elections Administrator,
Sameer Wahid, attempted to submit to
himself on Friday. The form was completely filled out and signed including more
than the 15 necessary signatures. It was
then depositted in the nomination box by
an unknown agent of Mr. Wahid.
The EA was not available for comment at
the time of writing, so it is not clear
whether he will allow himself to run.
"The potential for conflict of interest is
great," said random generic political pundit #1.
"Last year's allegations of a connection to
the Zimbabwean electoral process appears
to have some basis in fact," stated random
generic political pundit #2.
"Is a candidate for president allowed to
oversee the elections? I think not," continued random generic political pundit #1.
Random generic political pundit #2 then
launched into a confusing diatribe apparently arguing with random generic political pundit #1, but in fact uttering nonsense
phrases.
Whether Mr. Wahid's candidacy for President of the Science Undergraduate Society
will hold up remains to be seen. By being
both the Elections Administrator and a
candidate, he has placed himself in a position where he could potentially control his
own election to a position of power: a position of very limitted and unimportant
power, mind you.
Dan Yokom supporters are urging Mr.
Wahid to not allow himself to be on the
ballot.
NOMINATION FORM FOR THE
Science Undergraduate Society
2003 Executive Elections
Name of Candidate:
Year:
X&&1
Al  aj>4«{    w'..1-'^
Email Addfess1_w.,.,u. ,4 & ,W. - ,- {.=..
Department:     £U,g<V; <.fv
I am aware of my nomination and am willing to run of the position of:
f   -*"£   in cii n f	
DATE:   -Jc^-S  Fel,~»»,-y H SIGNEff:"
We, the undersigned, i5 bona-fide members of the Science Undergraduate Society, nominate
the above for the position of ___._	
NAME (PRINT)
1   ______   K*J<
SIGNAILRr
STD.#
Deadline lor nominations is Friday, February 14 @ 4:32 pm in LSK 202.
A mandatory-attendance ail-candidates meeting will be held February 14 @ 4:32 ttt SUS
Questions? Contact Sameer Wahid in SUS or atwahid@interchange.ubc.ca.
Miscellaneous
Ben Warrington
Wants Sex in a Castle
Driver's licenses
I am very much in favour of periodic driving tests for everyone. Particularly for
seniors who may be losing their sight
or possibly even their judgment. I am sure
that the lady who almost killed us on the
way over is really sweet, but for her own
safety, not to mention mine, I really think
that it is time for her to give up her driver's
license. I am just glad that I got the brakes
done last fall.
Reading Week
For much of the past few weeks, I have
been waiting impatiently for reading week.
Finally, I would have the chance to catch
up on some of my work. In fact, I had been
putting off a few projects that I figured I
could take a stab at during the break.
So reading break rolls around and what
do I accomplish? If you don't know the
answer to this rhetorical question, you
aren't really a student. I didn't actually
accomplish nothing. I got quite a lot of
honeymoon planning done, but that really
doesn't help my academic situation much.
Honeymoon
My fiancee and I are planning to go to
Scotland for our honeymoon. In fact, we
already have the plane tickets courtesy of
my father's airmiles. What do you know?
Those damn airmiles are good for something (if you have a million of them).
Anyway, I have spent so much time lately
on holiday planning, I thought that I might
spend a few words on it.
I don't intend to have the trip planned in
great detail. Most of my time has been
spent finding out what we would like to
see, and where those things are. Once I
know that, I can arrange to be in places that
have lots of interest, so we have plenty of
choice about what we do see on any given
day.
I am also planning in more detail than I
might otherwise because we are going to
be there in the height of tourist season. If
we want a place to sleep, especially one
that doesn't cost several hundred dollars a
night, I think that we will have to book in
advance, so this brings me back to the
planning. I have to figure out where we
should stay and how long we should stay
there.
This poses a problem. I want to see everything. There is a limit to how much we can
see in a day, and frankly, we don't want one
of those trips where you rush from site to
site and don't really see anything. We also
don't really want to plan each day's itinerary in great detail, so I have to figure out
how long we are likely to want to stay in
one place, so that we have time to see what
we want to see, without being rushed.
Is this starting to sound circular? It sure
feels like it to me. Further, I have got to get
this all sorted out as soon as possible, so
that we can book accommodation in
advance, so that we can get the best deal
possible, and so on ...
I have no shame in asking for discounts,
either. I am going to play the student angle,
the newly-wed angle, early-booking, long
stay (at least in Edinburgh where we
intend to stay a few days), and anything
else of which I can think.
Editoring and Directoring
I am (hopefully) graduating this year, and
as such I won't be around next year. There
is also no one running for the position of
Director of Publications next year. I would
like to invite anyone who might be interested in helping produce the paper next
year to come join us next publications
weekend (March 8-9). Traditionally, the
Director of Publications is also the editor of
the 432, but this need not be the case. There
is far too much work under the DofP portfolio for one person, and there are provisions in the constitution for separate editors and so forth. If you are interested in
one position or the other (or all of the
above), email the432@hotmail.com, and I
will see what I can do to help you out. For
the people who have helped in the past,
the reason I didn't call was because there
were hordes of people around doing other
things, and you wouldn't have had a computer to work on. I would love to have any
or all of you back next time, too.
INTERDISCIPLINARY DISCUSSION #1
Research Ethics:
^^d Eipgirim«teti(0)j
90 minutes for interested students to
explore an engat
experts and with each other.
participation is eneoMrajeel :-)
Mondav, 3 March 2003
12:00 to 1:30 pm
Dodson Room
Main Library
Free
The Chapman Discussions
chapmandiscussionsfVi yahoo.ca
commons/in tcrrliscml man lit ml 25 February 2003
THE FOUR THIRTY TWO
Page Three
Twin Paradox
Newstimbits
Defeats Democracy
Dan Anderson
Green is for Go
Curtis Mewhort
Only Half a Vote
Webvoting has taken democracy in
a bold new direction. Its great
breakthrough is not to provide
easy, quick electronic voting but rather to
radically redefine UBC's suffrage. In a
stunning move, the webvoting designers
decided that twins, triplets, and all family
members born on the same date and year
only deserve one vote between them.
I recently tried to vote for the U-Pass referendum and was startled to find that I
had already cast my ballot. I e-mailed Elections Information and told them of my
inexplicable problem. They promptly
replied back and informed me that I had
actually already voted. This of course did
nothing to appease me. I e-mailed them
once again and told them more forcefully
that I had never voted, and I wanted to be
allowed to exercise my right to vote. Furthermore, I suggested that they had a large
glitch in their system and that webvoting
results were entirely invalid.
Luckily, it was not a glitch at all; my
account had been breached. The second e-
mail I received suggested my Student Service Account may have been compromised. They recommended I check my registration data, and assured me that System
Security would look into the matter. I
thought it was reaching to suggest that a
hooligan had broken into my account,
dropped me from all my courses, and casually cast my ballot in the U-Pass Referendum before logging out, but I thoroughly
checked my data anyway. To my relief, my
registration data was still all correct and
well.
Recently, I received a third e-mail. It
turned out my Student Services Account
had not been breached. They explained
that my twin brother's ballot had been
counted toward me.
Anyone who has taken a basic, introductory database course knows just how
appalling this kind of mistake is. A fundamental concept in database design is every
entry in a database must be identified
uniquely by a primary key as it is called.
Something like a student number works
perfectly because every student has exactly
one. However, using something like last
name and birth date has evident problems.
All of UBC's student government hinges
on the proper operation of this system.
There is no excuse for anything but a perfect system which has been subjected to
stringent and exhaustive testing requirements.
Then again, it could be that I am just
expecting too much. It is not like a United
States Presidential election has never had
problems.
AMS to Support TA Strike
In a surprising move, the Alma Mater
Society of UBC has decided to back a US-
lead plan to lead an all-out assault on Iraq
with it's new TA units. Each missile will be
equipped with four bean-fueled booster
TAs and one Physics TA for it's warhead.
The dandruff fallout alone is expected to
confuse and demoralize enemy troops,
many of whom have never seen "head
snow" before, significantly.
US President George Bush considered the
matter integral, stating that "we, the people of the United States of America, believe
that only with- propaganda and human-
body based missiles can we defeat the evil
lizards of Cambodia. I mean, the dictator
in the volacao. I mean, uh, Saddam. Yeah,
that one."
The US has so far committed to an
unknown but "significant" number of
these new TA strikes.
Pasta King, Bean Mogul to Join Forces
In a shocking press release, Chef Boyardee
and the Green Giant have decided to join
forces in their attempts to convince children that eating healthy doesn't have to
mean eating gross food. To date, however,
shocking experiments with ravioli and
mashed green beans have met with disastrous failure, as the pasta solidifying agent
combined with chemicals in the green
bean's pesticides, resulting in violent
exothermic reactions.
In related news, Esso's Tony the Tiger and
Aim Pregnancy Testing are also merging
brands with their new Tiger Aim product,
with a distinctive "She's Llllllate!" positive-
result audio cue.
Candle Factory Accident Floods Town
Last week an accident in the town's
biggest place of employment is expected to
spell doom for the small town of Camdren,
BC. The candle factory and rendering plant
employs more than 200 people and will
most likely go out of business after a- freak
accident caused the evacuation of first the
plant and then the city, as tanks of candle
mix burst, flooding the manufacturing
floor and eventually leaving an inch-thick
layer over the town's streets. The town's
acclaimed rap recording studio, Chopp
Shopp, is also expected to close. In the
words of owner and operator Tony Bettre,
"it didn't used to be like this, but with all
the competition, we don't stand a chance. I
mean, every guy and girl walking down
the street is making wax tracks now:"
432 Contributors Develop New Style
Despite disliking change, some 432 contributors have realized that in fact it is no
longer appropriate to satirize Sir John A.
MacDonald's famed drinking habits, as the
man has been dead for decades. Some are
going so far as to attempt shorter, fake
news articles with single-punchline conclusions. In unrelated news, the proposed
dry campus was vetoed yesterday as "we
cannot afford to lose a whopping 0.0003%
of our nation's valuable liquor-dispensing
resources," according to Prime,Minister
MacDonald. Um, that is, according fo BC
Premier Gordon Campbell. That's his
name, right? Right?
Mysterious Gatherings Prompt Investigation
Frank Yang
At The Stake
The university is determined to investigate the cause behind several disruptive crowd gatherings following
their appearance at a number of locations
across campus.
The crowds first appeared on Monday
February 10, in front of the Centre for
Research in Women's Studies and Gender
Relations (CRWSGR) building. Witnesses
describe around 25 people, most carrying
signs marked with an array of messages,
surrounding the centre's entrance around
noon for a short period of time before leaving. While the disruption was relatively
minor, the presence of these people did
prompt staff and students to temporarily
vacate the building.
Three days later, a much larger crowd of
several hundred gathered in front of UBC
Gate 1 to the extent that they temporarily
blocked vehicle access to parts of campus.
Most recently on February 18, a smaller but
no less determined group once again
appeared on campus before Brock Hall.
Members of the group marched and chanted slogans for some 3 hours before disbanding.
So far, these recent crowd gatherings have
baffled university administrators. Scott
Macrae from UBC Public Affairs claims
that on every occasion, the crowds dispersed before any information concerning
the protesters' identity could be ascertained. He describes the groups as vocal,
mostly young individuals possibly demonstrating on a political agenda or protesting
against some current event, but the actual
details of which remain unclear. In the
meantime staff members are continuing to
investigate the matter, but have so far
learned little and failed to establish a dialogue with members of the crowd. Even
President Martha Piper herself recently
devoted ten minutes of her time to address
the issue during a special forum held on
Wednesday February 19, one day following the latest incident at Brock Hall.
At the moment, the crowd members' identities and intentions remain unknown.
However, one consistent clue has emerged
to potentially shed light on the mystery.
"The letters 'cupe' has been spotted many
times on the signs they carry." says Macrae,
"We've also gotten reports that the name
was often accompanied by the number
'2278'. This leads us to speculate that the
groups are some type of memorial march,
commemorating someone named Cupe
and his or her involvement in some event
that took place in early February, 1978"
Macrae also states that even though a
majority of the campus has not yet~ been
greatly affected by these public gatherings,
it is the university's top priority that the
situation be resolved before disruptions
escalate to encompass wider areas and
affect more classes. Working towards that
end, Macrae and other university spokes-
people have urged anyone with information on "Cupe" or the historical significance
of February 2, 1978 to come forward.
"The sooner we understand what we're
facing, the sooner we can have this sorted
out." says Macrae, adding "And to any of
the demonstrators out there who ate reading this, please contact the university as
soon as possible, we are willing to talk."
Just before this issue went to print Monday,
the mysterious gathering has again been spotted outside of the Scarfe Building.
-ed.
CUTTLE fISH ARE SCARY
-fc/O
you know cuttle
fish?
r
pronounce      •,
it   "cuddle"J
fc
2P
d
(yeah. .
DON'T!
\i
well
(uh. . .    nice   shirt 0|
"I ' m   going   to;
japan
Bn is indeed in Japan as we speak .. . or, . . . um . .. read, I guess, -ed. Page Four
THE FOUR THIRTY TWO
25 February 2003
Horoscopes
Dan Anderson
Starry-Eyed Surprise
Aries:
While mixing newschool and oldschool
can result in some of pop music's hottest
new music, nobody really wants to hear
your mi* of the Insane Clown Posse and
the Benedictine Monks.
Taurus:
Despite the similarities, you are not actually a 4-door sedan, and nobody will pay
$30,000 for you. Firstly, your name is not
Ford, and secondly, you're used.
Gemini:
Lots of things seem like a good idea at the
time. Based on your track record, you
should probably do what seems like the
worst idea at any given moment. This
month, become a world-class contender:
see how many bedsores you can collect,
and go for the Guinness World Record!
Cancer:
You will be unhappy to learn that the
Kama Sutra is not the sensual experience
your friends swore it to be. The papercuts
will be your first clue.
Leo:
You' will-be pleasantly surprised to discover that you and that attractive Scorpio
do, in fact, mix. However, only fill the
blender up to the mark; any more could
result in overflow. I recommend one finger
aji&.tLrae.:,,^; ..-■..,....,.... ...    .
Virgo:
You will be unable to convince your roommate that rum, schnapps, and mint liqueur
do not mix. The upside is that he'll finally
be convinced that the bathroom needs
repainting.
Libra:
They say that no man is an island, but
when the hull cracks down the centre
you'll be thankful that at least humans,
unlike islands, float, although the coast
guard will initially mistake you for the latter.
Scorpio:
You will discover that the Leo that seems
interested in you is, in fact interested in
you. In other news, the writing that seems
to be in this paragraph is, in fact, in this
paragraph. On the other hand, when said
Leo asks for your hand, it will not mean in
marriage. Unplug your blender. Now.
Sagittarius:
The kidnappers will be undeterred by the
threats from yourself and the police; fortunately, your body odour will prevent them
from holding you too long.
Capricorn:
No shoes, no shirt, no whipping. What, it's
not our rule.
Aquarius:
You will have your personal space invaded this week, not by that slimy coworker
you were worried about, but by aliens. Just
tell them that you need more room on the
bus and things will work out fine.
Pisces:
You will achieve a new height of awareness as you reject crass consumerism and
the ads that are forced upon you when you
choose not to buy Nike runners, but opt for
Reeboks instead.
;   BioSoc presents...
2003
Graduation Dinner
Pan Pacific
May 3, 2003
Stay tune for more updates!
<^
Math Dreams
Jonathan Woodward
Suffers Day Terrors
I am in Math class, cognitively impaired.
Svalka, the Russian genius, answers
logically coherent garble, then drifts
away in a sea of his own arrogance. Chalk
lines blur like cataracts, mucous disorder, a
sticky mess. The ceiling dribbles down the
glaucous walls like wax along a candlestick; soon the room blends, and I dissolve
into the hazy, viscous, mental fluid.
Suddenly a pinprick of light cuts through
like a scalpel's blade, somehow -between-
the colliding atomic mesh, bursting from
the dense interior of our separable space,
and a tiny, plaintive voice hails:
"Evaluate the sum over all integers k of
(2k choose k) times (2n-2k choose n-k)!"
A-ha! I am again at my desk, for my world
has crystallized and I see my beaming face
reflected in its gleaming facets. It is a code:
this mathspeak which I thought was
newspeak is actually doublespeak! I shall
simply divide by two to get speak, and
solve! Doubleplusgood!
I bound from the chair, booming voice
unwavering, arms raised in triumph: "The
answer is four to the n!"
The professor stops writing. His mouth
drops. His chalk falls to the floor. The chalk
shatters in slow-motion, and I see it in
eight-camera video montage. "How did
you solve that so quickly?" he asks, eyes
bulging.
In answer, I merely shrug. Forgetting
about the insipid Svalka, my fellow students one by one stand in soft, awed ovation. Vast tanks in the Math Building
rooftops spill open, and confetti rains
around me. All around us the building
hums with the first majestic chords of
Colours of the Wind. The clouds part, and
I am bathed in divine light.
Or not. What actually escaped my mouth
was the trembling, "Sir, you forgot to add
zero ... oh ... "
There is silence.
Beady eyes stare from all angles, their hate
palpable. My throat constricts. I feel the
room grow cold and dark, for the sun itself
has pulled away in revulsion. Svalka turns
to me, lips pulled back, and he sneers,
"You sodomite." He spits.
Math hands roughly fling me into an awkward wooden cell. I suffer, twisted by its
right angles, pierced by its unrelenting
metal stud. My fellow prisoners are also
my captors, and their dark eyes glower. I
will rot here, unknown and forgotten. I am
ostracized by Math majors. I am a pariah
among social rejects. I am infinitely
shamed. They are denying that they know
me. The university is crossing my name off
the registrar, slotting me into Forestry.
UBC Housing quietly exocytoses me. Big
Brother rewrites history as if I had never
been. Ungood.
My eyes drop from the board to the
floor... and the wooden panels Degin to
squirm. As I watch, the entire floor resolves
itself into writhing snakes, tails coiling
stealthily around the students' legs, constricting, trapping, signaling hisses and
rattles! I break their code, for the beasts
think, and will enact a serpentine plan. I
pull my legs to my seat, sure and ready.
Suddenly tails constrict and jaws fly open.
Svalka's hideous screams curiously meld
with the hourly bell, and class ends! I step
lightly over distended reptilian bellies, out
the door, and into the fresh, beautiful air.
Strapping on my goggles and jet-booster, 1
take flight.
SCIENCE
UBC
% LetMjt tal
forms are available on line-
www.ams.ubc.ca/sus
or in sus lounge (LSK 202)
info? email Annes Song; susawards@hotmail.com
Deadline for Submission: March H 2003
at 4:32pm. 25 February 2003
THE FOUR THIRTY TWO
Page Five
Tales of Ordinary    Letters to the Editor
Delusion
Part One
Atalanta
Brains . . . Brains
So the end of my bachelor's degree is
coming and its an inevitable feeling of
impending doom. After 4 solid years
of UBCism I will have a piece of paper with
my name and a gold star on top, how symbolic. But really, in the grand scheme of
things a Bachelor's degree is seen as a stepping stone, a gateway to the next level of
academia. Well, there's a lot of hustle and
bustle about this out there in the real
world, but the fact of the matter is that our
society does not appreciate how much
time, energy, and brain cells were consumed in our Bachelor's Degree (and this is
especially true for those people, my ex is
an example, who've taken 6 years to finish
it). My friends in Germany and France tell
me that most people don't need to go to
university to get a degree and therefore a
good job, its merely one avenue for
employment; however, it appears that it is
a given here. So what's to be done? Will we
all end up ashen-faced at 4am trying to finish our theses so that we can become the
next great brains of our generation? Its a
tad overbearing ... but I digress. A Bachelor's degree can be worth something,
maybe if you sell the gold embossing on a
marginalized black market somewhere. Or
maybe we all need to reconceptualize our
education and find out what it means to
us, and need to recognize that a piece of
paper with a shiny gold star does not equal
what we have experienced in the last 4 (to
7) years.
Death to Bananas
Dear Sir, Editor of the 432,
A recent newsgroup posting on a WebCT
bulletin board by one of our professors has
come to my attention. Approximately one
week after posting the professor deliberately deleted this posting in order to save
face.
Here is the posting, in its entirety, unaltered, and completely original:
Dear Professor Bingle,
My name is XXXXXX, student number
XXXXXXX. I am in your Biology 201-XXX
class.
This email is written regarding to the midterm
on Monday, Feb 10th.
I had a dentist appointment this (Sat, 8) afternoon, and I had a "tooth extraction" - two of
my wisdom teeth were extracted. I did not realize how painful it could possibly be until the
extraction was over ...
Right now I am in such pain that it is quite
impossible for me to sit down and concentrate
on studying for the midterm, and the doctor
said that the pain won't release for at least two
days.. I believe that I will not be in a condition
of writing the midterm on Monday ... 7 could
not even fall asleep after trying.
Professor, please allow me to make a request on
postponing my midterm. I know the whole
strike thingy must be annoying to you, but
please, I really need your help.
I will be happy to get an official doctor's note
or official doctor's approval from my dentist to
give to you on Monday.
Please . . .
Than you for your kindness and understanding.
Sincerely,
XXXXX
And now for Dr. Bingle's Reply:
XXXXX:
Do not thank me in advance for my kindness
and understanding.
This is an inappropriate statement.
It assumes that I accept what you have said
just because you have said it.
Because the extraction of wisdom teeth must
be arranged weeks before the event, in my opinion, you have been negligent about informing
me re: your ability to sit the BiollOl midterm.
If you do not sit the midterm on Feb. 10 or 11,
you will receive a grade of 0.1 will consider no
appeals in this matter.
Dr. Bingle
Yours,
George Stevens
Michelle Nelson
Queen of Yellow Fruit
I hate allergies. I hate them. I pine for the
days when a bowl of chocolate ice
cream could be more than just a dream.
I'm lucky though, my allergies are mostly
reactions to food, and thus, easy to avoid.
Well, easy after a year and a half of getting
used to them. A big allergy of mine is dairy.
No dairy for me. You never realize how
many things have dairy in them until your
not allowed any, and then you realize that
pretty much everything that tastes good
has dairy in it. Lucky for me, there is soy. I
live off of the stuff now; you may not realize it, but for most things dairy, there is a
soy counterpart. It's true, there's soy milk,
soy ice cream, soy cream cheese, soy feta,
mozzarella, cheddar, parmesan, yogurt, etc
etc. Now, granted, it doesn't all taste like
the dairy version. Some cheese for example, tastes like,gym socks, and the sour
cream, it tastes like chalk, but overall, the
Elvis impersonators of the food world
come pretty close to the King himself. I put
up with a lot of ribbing for my all soy diet
though, my brother refers to 'me as a tree
hugging hippie, and one of my friends
constantly brings up his vision of herds of
grazing soy, and very delicate milking procedures with tweezers, but I put up with it,
it's better than the alternative.
My craziest food allergy has to be
bananas. People who are allergic to every
thing are able to eat bananas, they're even
part of the BRAT diet for the extremely
wussy in the food department, but my
cruel and ironic immune system decided to
buck the constraints of the ordinary allergy
world and make this my worst allergy of
all. I literally cannot be within 20 paces of
an open banana without getting a severe
reaction. And there's nothing you can do to
control the amount of banana that's in your
immediate environment when you're in
public. What can I do, walk up to some
poor shmuck happily noshing down on his
favorite portable fruit and tell him to hand
over the banana? A friend and me were
talking, and we decided that I should
become a deputized banana sheriff, I'll
walk up to people and say in a lovely
southern drawl "Ma'am, I'm going to need
you to hand over that there banana and
back up a few paces with your hands
where I can see them. Now I'm going to
place your fruit in this here airtight container, you can leave your name with me
and we'll arrange a pick up time when you
can retrieve your snack, thank you for your
compliance". I wonder what my badge and
uniform would look like, I've never looked
good in yellow, makes me look jaundiced.
I've learned to live with my allergies
though, and I'm actually starting to appreciate them a bit. Appreciate them you ask
in a shocked voice, how can you appreciate
something that limits your dietary choices
to low fat all natural and organic foods?
How can you appreciate something that
stops you from eating ice cream and Snickers? Easy, chances are, my ass is half the
size of yours. Allergies, the diet of champions.
Dear Mr Warrington,
I was overjoyed to read your front page
Reuters report on 4th February 2003 that
The 432 had rejected an article submitted
by T Gilks, supposed editor of the artsy
flimflam, The Underground.
Now he knows what it feels like - that is,
if he does in fact exist. I can tell whether a
newspaper has a real editor just by wiping
my bum with it, but I don't think you or
your readers want to hear any more about
that. However, my research tells me that it
is 112% certain that The U has no editor.
That lot at Meekison just throw a carrier
bag of papers at the printer and tell him to
get on with it.
Every fortnight I send them at least a
dozen well-written, choice pieces of new-
wave reporting, investigative poetry,
avant-garde advertising spoofs and retro
short stories, each with its full Underground quota of the droll and the gross, to
appeal to every clique of the cosmopolitan
matrix of the Arts Faculty - but all rejected
by the editorial composite. That's nearly
170 so far this year!
So, if you have another look at that picture
of the supposed T Gilks that appeared on
the front page of The U before Christmas,
you can see the joins where the printer
made it up from body parts culled from all
regions of the universe. The sickly smile on
the face of the head perfectly matches the
hand just snatched from his pants.
Still not convinced that T Gilks is a fiction?
Consider these: He forgot, that Ms,Pipper.-is;
Marta, not Martha (but you remembered);,
and no one knows how to pronounce
Gilks, or wants to anyway.
This letter might just fit into that open slot
on page 6, but I suspect you will receive
hundreds of compensation claims from
readers for stiff necks trying to read your
Letters to the Editor column sideways - the
thirteen necks of "The Editor' of The U
included.
Yours sincerely,
David Cheshire.
Faulty Lcgfe
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referendum info
WNA^ SoVOrfi  CO
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vote yes online
www.sus.uDC.cq
March T-7 2003
»"«<#■   ,', * *■*■*■,
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Central space for all Science students
(location: between Chemistry/Physics
building and Hebb Theatre)
- available (or academic and social events
-135 person capacity bookable lounge
- several study/meeting rooms
- copy and printing facilities
- internet terminals
- kitchenette
Leave   a    I egacy.
Information Forums:
Date:
Tues. Feb. 25th
Tues. Feb. 25th
Wed. Feb. 26th
Tues. March 4th
Wed. March 5th
Time:
12:30-1:30 pm
7:00-8:00 pm
7:00-8:00 pm
12:30-1:30 pm
12:00-1:00 pm
Location:
SUB Conversation Pit
Totem Park Commons Block
Place Vanier Commons Block
SUB Conversation Pit
SUB Conversation Pit Page Eight
THE FOUR THIRTY TWO
25 February 2003
SUS Executive Elections 2003
President
Dan Yokom
Daniel W. Yokom
I am committed to bringing a new
isocial space to UBC Science Students,
to building the spirit of UBC Science
Students through intaJactilty and
interfaculfy rivalries, as well as kisses
/ for everyone* there's one far you now.
VP Internal
Brian Maclean
This is an exciting time to be a Science student and I would
like to work with Dan Yokom and the rest of next year's executive to make the new Science Space a reality.
I am also excited about the new Science mentorship program,
Students' Interconnected, and hope to help the program
grow.
I would also like to create a Student Pugwash to promote discussion of ethical science. (First proposed by Albert Einstein,
Pugwash International received a Nobel Peace prize in 1995.)
I would also like to work with the AMS to improve Science
teaching evaluations and the online exam database.
Gina Eom
GINA EOM for VP Internal
HI, my name is <SIn.a Eom., Many of you have
asked me how to get involved in* SUS, A$ VP
internal I am eoiiWfiittecl to making SUS more
accessible and accountable to Science
Students, Furthermore., m FTC Co-Chate, and
through the Selene* Week Committee I haw
the experience to ftilflll these goals- YA¥
SCIENCE>'l
Edward Cheung
Hey there! My name is Edward Cheung and I'm running for VP Internal. I am committed to an amazing Science Week and Cold Fusion next year, so I hope you'll let me represent you at SUS Council.
My Experience:
Current member of SUS Council (1st Year Rep)
Co-chair of the SUS First Year Committee
SUS Committees - Academic, Social, Sports, and Code & Policy
Cold Fusion volunteer
- PVRA (Vanier rez council) treasurer-elect for next year
Treasurer and social coordinator of my high school student council
So join TEAM EDDIE - you're not going to regret it!
Director of
Publications
o
o
o
o
o
o
At this point, no one is running for Director of Publications. This position will likely be
appointed through council after the election. If you are interested in this position, email
the432@hotmail.com, and the editor will make sure that you are informed of when this
will occur. There will also most likely be a notice in the next issue of the 432.
Under the Director of Publications portfolio falls the 432, Paradigm, the SUS website,
and so on. Traditionally, the Director of publications is the editor of the 432, but he/she
does not have to be. Strictly speaking, Director of Publications is an administrative position (schedule print dates, make sure the printer is paid, and so on). Separate
editors/webmasters can be appointed for each publication (for example, Mike Groves and
Sameer Wahid were the webguys). Archivists and delivery people can also be appointed.
VP External
Patricia Lau
Patricia Lau for VP Eadenial
Hello everyone, I &m committed to bringing a
new Science Social Space and improving
the even is and participation of Scieae©
Week, This year, m SUS Science One Rep. I
sit Oft. the Seieaee Week a&d Science Social
Space Committees which, give me the
ex|>erierice and dri^e to be an excellent VP
External,
Joses Jain
Once upon a time there was a little boy named Joses. Joses was a creative boy. A resourceful boy. A charismatic boy. Now that little boy has grown up a bit, and is running for the
position of VP External on SUS Council. Armed with a few tools (enthusiasm, friendliness, diplomacy), he is the perfect candidate to facilitate easy communication between
AMS and SUS. His experience as CSP President has helped him learn how to get students
what they want. (This might come in handy during Science Week). Joses is experienced,
fun, and enthused. Perfect.
Director of Finance
Alan Warkentin
Hey everybody! By now I am sure that you are aware that science elections are running and there is a science referendum
afoot. I am currently SUS's Director of Finance and I am running for re-election. I've been heavily involved in the financial
side of the referendum and should it pass, you will need someone next year who already has a relationship with the various
officials to help things move along smoothly. This year I raised
club grants, sports grants all the while balancing the budget,
something that hasn't been done in a few years. Vote for Experience, vote Alan!
Phoebe Gau
Money might not be everything, but you really can't do much without it-what the Science faculty needs is a capable Director of Finance to manage the fees YOU've paid to
SUS, which are part of your tuition. With prior experience working as a bank intern and
treasurer in various councils, Phoebe Gau definitely knows how to handle the driving
force behind all projects the council provides: money. She'll make sure YOUR money is
used wisely for your benefit. Give her a chance... I know I would.AA
Rob Radomski?
Social Coordinator
Grace Lam
Hello fellow overworked and totally sleep deprived Science comrades:
My name is Grace "The Pastor of Disaster" Lam and I'm running for the position of SUS
Social Coordinator. Because I am currently the president of the Quiz Bowl Club and an
Imagine Squad leader I feel that I have the necessary organizational and social skills to be
the next SoCo. I want this position because I was recently kicked out of the Pit Pub and I
do not want this traumatic experience to happen to anyone else. Thus, when elected, I
will work to make bzzr more accessible to the people; the masses; the Science students.
Anna-Marie Bueno
anna-marie "a.m." bueno
for Social Coordinator
Is your current SUS SoCo, I've been privileged to bring you social
^events up the wazod. I've had my hand in organizing bzzr gardens,
^holiday celebrations, and of course. Cold Fusions concert attended
""by 500 UBC students to celebrate Science Week. To say the least,
r love my job and the people I work with. I've gained so much
xperience and I'm eager to make next year even more fun and
exciting for everyone. I am extremely dedicated to this society and
f wilt do my best to encourage the growth of a strong community filled
with faculty pride and spirit. Thank you all and have a nice day! © 25 February 2003
THE FOUR THIRTY TWO
Page Nine
SUS Executive Elections 2003
Executive Secretary
Katrina Jessen
I have always enjoyed working with student government, even though I have not yet
had the privilege of officially being a part of it. I would really like to be the Executive Secretary of SUS Council next year, as I think that this position sounds like a lot of fun, and
I am excited about the possibility of getting this position. This year I have helped to organize a number of events for Science One as well as helping out with Science Week, and
next year I plan on doing the same.
Serena Siow
SERENA SIOW for Secretary
As an active member of the current SUS Council (Vice-Chair of the
Social and Sports committees and Campaign Materials Manager of the
Science Social Space Committee), my continuing goal is to cater to the
i   needs of all Science students. If elected as secretary, I will ensure that
Science students are fairly represented at all AMS meetings. I strive to persist
advocating in the best interests for students, including the support for the creation of a
Science Social Space. Voting Serena Siow for Secretary is an exceptional choice! ©
Gerald Li
Greetings, fellow Science students! My name is Gerald Li
and I'm miming for Executive Secretary. Anyone can take
notes in Council, but I've also had experience working
with SUS, as a General Officer this year and as a member
of the First Year Committee last year. Furthermore, I'm a
member of the Academic, Sales, and Code & Policies
Committees, the last of which is chaired by the Secretary.
Thus, I'm familial- with how SUS operates and will be able
to represent the views of science students to AMS and
,    other organizations. Make your vote count for dedication,
responsibility, and experience!
Ambrose Wong
Hey everyone! My name's Ambrose and I am running for Executive Secretary. The secretary is responsible for preparing excellent
agendas and minutes of every council meeting. Now in my fourth
year, I am currently the Microbiology/Immunology Department
Representative on SUS Council, and I am on the executive for
MISA (Microbiology and Immunology Student Association), UBC
Quiz Bowl Club and Golden Key UBC Chapter. I realize how necessary club records need to be, and especially as Communications
Officer for Students Interconnected, I definitely have the experience needed for this position. Please vote for me March lst-7th!
Director of Sports
Kristin Lyons
I'm Kristin Lyons, and this will hopefully be my third year as Director of Sports
(although this past year, I held the position for first term because I went away on coop).
I am now finished with coop, and as in the past, I will give out sports rebates to all science teams who apply and maintain a sports board in the SUS office so that all those people without a team have an opportunity to participate in intramurals! I will also keep science students informed about upcoming intramural deadlines and events and give out an
award to the top male and female science intramural athletes!
Chelsea Taylor
Greetings fellow Science Students! Welcome back, I hope you all had an enjoyable reading week. My name is Chelsea Taylor and I'm a Science student running for the position
of Director of Sports. I know there's a lot of Science students out there who enjoy playing
on intramural teams and participating in events like Rainfest and Winterfest.
Our goal at SUS is to get teams of Science students together and refund them for doing
something that's lots of fun. And who doesn't like getting money back? Vote for me during elections week, March lst-7th!!
Vote at http://www.sus.ubc.ca
March 1-7
Public Relations
Lana Rupp
'm Lana Rupp! You may remember
me from such adventures as:
+ SUS council 2000-2001, 2003?
^Science Week and Jelio Wrestling!
+Every Beer garden you've ever been to!
+Many of your classes!
Now I'm running for Public Relations Officer for SUS
and I would like to do a kick-ass job of representing
alt science students! Come out and Vote!
Contact me at lerupp@interchange. ubc.ca
Reka Pataky
My name is Reka Pataky, and I'm eager to
be the PRO for SUS next year! I am currently on SUS council, and vice-chair of
the PR Committee. I will ensure that all
students and the community at large are
aware of the activities of SUS council and
I will work to make SUS even more active
among Science charities. Vote for ME!
Matthew Mohammed?
Gabriel Hung
I stand on the edGe of the world imagining what I could do,
As your Public RelAtions Officer,
Working for all B.Sc students, -■•-•■.-.■     ^-^v*^,*    4t^&&MMJ*
With experiencEs on SUS council as the current Coordinated Science Program Representative,
Managing finances 4 the First Year Committee of SUS as Treasurer,
I will succeed in this Position, , ^
Responsible, open-minded, dedicated, organized, communicative and approachable,
DOing my best to fulfill the all my tasks,
Making SUS known at UBC and promoting it to science students when given the chance,
I am Gabriel Hung.
Mariko Welch
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Science Senator
Chris Zappavigna
As the student science senator, I will speak on behalf of science
students and use my experience.
If I am elected, I would like to see the Senate address a number
of issues:
© Class sizes. If UBC's high standards of instruction are to be
preserved, there is a need to keep classes small and manageable. This is particularly true at the third and fourth year level.
© Course availability. Many students complain of not being
able to register in courses they require or really would like to
take. Steps have to be taken to accommodate these students.
© Accessible resources for students. Students have the right to
access detailed instructor evaluations and past exams. The
AMS' "The Yardstick" and "Exam Database" must be expanded to completely serve their
purpose to science students.
I pledge to serve my fellow science students to the best of my ability, to make certain that
their best interests are always upheld and to ensure that their perspective is always taken
into account. Page Ten
THE FOUR THIRTY TWO
25 February 2003
A Tale of Three Cities
Sameer Wahid
Still Thawing
Well, I just finished my first ever
Reading Break vacation. While
most people head off to sunny
locales such as Mexico or Hawaii, I chose
the wonderful Canadian cities of Montreal
and Toronto. Why, you ask, did I head over
to these icicle bastions of Canada? Well, I
have never been to Toronto, and as my
graduation looms ahead I decided to visit
the potential grad schools of McGill and
UofT. So, in a futile attempt to recoup some
of my airfare from the 432, I present you,
the discerning student, a comparison of the
key aspects of life in Canada's three most
populous cities:
Housing
Everyone's first concern is the place they
will call home, and all three cities have
acceptable housing. Montreal has the
bonus of some of the nicer architecture,
and even though outside temperatures
reach well below freezing, homes are still
very warm. Toronto is about on par with
Montreal in terms of rent, and Vancouver
trails the pack with some of the highest
rents in the country!
1. Montreal
Weather
In Canada, the weather is always a concern, and these three cities are no exception. Vancouver has the edge here, because
although the rain never ceases, it's not as
cold as Montreal, where -25 °C is the norm,
and your nose freezes when you go outside
(I've never had my mustache freeze
before...) Both Montreal and Toronto have
a winter-long layer of ice on the ground,
and the only benefit is the outdoor skating
rinks. Downtown Toronto's high winds
and Montreal's sunny days (although it's
still twenty below) give Montreal a slight
edge, but Vancouver is the clear winner.
2.
3.
Toronto
Vancouver
1.
2.
Vancouver
Montreal
Toronto
2.
3.
Toronto
Vancouver
Transit
Every student knows the importance of
transit. It's not only our route to school, but
also to friends, rides home from the bar,
and our own personal chauffeur. All three
cities have a bus system and some sort of
rail (Metro in Montreal, TTC and streetcars
in Toronto, and Skytrain here in Vancouver), but Montreal's awesome, quiet and
fast Metro give them the lead in this category. Toronto's unique streetcars drop
them to second in this category - the streetcar's constant "gas-brake-honk, gas-brake-
honk" motion almost made me lose my
lunch. Vancouver's lack of late-night service and useless Skytrain (it goes nowhere
near UBC), drop them to last.
1. Montreal
City Life and Indoor Activities
All work and no play makes Sameer want
to jump off the CN Tower. The city life is
what can make or break a decision for a
grad student - we're young and want to
have a good time while studying. Toronto,
being the big city that it is, has a definite
advantage due to sheer size, but Montreal
comes out on top in this category simply
due to the large congregation of students
near McGill, and the wide variety of activities, ranging from pubs to an extensive
underground tunnel system connecting
the many malls in downtown Montreal.
Vancouver is dead last until Gordon
Campbell extends bar hours to a reasonable time (say 4 a.m.), and the Olympics
are too far away for me to see any change
(and we will get the Olympics - I've
already got tickets to curling)
1. Montreal
2. Toronto
3. Vancouver
Outdoor Activities
A no-brainer. Vancouver, with temperate
weather all year round, and a wide variety
of activities ranging from skiing to kayaking, takes the crown. Montreal and Toronto are similar to each other, but I went skating in Montreal, so they come out number
two (the 432 should have sponsored a
longer stay...)
1. Vancouver
2. Montreal
3. Toronto
Community and Friendliness
Well, as a tourist, I spent a good amount of
time looking at a map, and looking like I
didn't have a bloody clue where the hell I
was. Unfortunately, people in Montreal
and Toronto were completely useless at
helping me out - whereas in Vancouver I
often see our citizens stopping to help out
befuddled tourists. While this category is
pretty unimportant, it pissed me off
enough to make it onto the list.
1. Vancouver
2. Toronto & Montreal (tied for
last...)
Overall
Well, these are three great cities, and I
would definitely choose any of them over
any city in the U.S.! But, between the three,
Montreal has the clear advantage. The
combination of good housing, and strong
transit system, plenty of things to do, and
an honourable mention for some beautiful
architecture make Montreal my choice.
Vancouver falls second, with Toronto a
very close third. Both cities have their
strengths and weaknesses, but Toronto's
dishonourable mention for the many
strange smells I encountered on my trip
pushed them down to third. Also, the Leafs
suck, so that makes Toronto a definite
third!
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Undergraduate Chemistry Society
presents
Chemistry Forum
The 9,h Annual Chemistry Forum features speakers representing a full spectrum of
career options available to students in chemistry. Chemistry in the Lower Mainland
is a hidden job market -- it's out there if only you can find it. This is a unique
experience for you to find out what might be out there after you finish your BSc. We
hope you will take advantage of this opportunity to make new connections and
essential contacts for future job-hunting, and to find out what qualities and skills
employers want in their new employees.
Admission is free for all students, which also includes free breakfast and lunch. All
upper level chemistry courses are generally canceled for students to attend, and we
will also make sure that the Forum finishes on time for your 2:00 labs.
Speakers From:
Merck Frosst Medicinal Synthetic Chemistry
Creo Inc. Graphic Arts
RCMP Forensic Laboratories Forensic Science
ARC Pharmaceuticals Inc. Administration in Pharmaceuticals
Panelists From:
Cardiome Pharma Corp.
Smart & Biggar, Fetherstonhaugh
Canadian Forest Products Ltd.
Kelly Scientific Resources
AnorMed Inc.
Analytical Chemistry
Patent Law
Forestry, Pulp/Paper
Recruiting & Job-finding
Pharmaceutical
y
ULIyi
Thursday March 6, 2003
8:30am - 2:00pm
Breakfast & Lunch Fully Catered
http://www.chem.ubc.ca/personnel/chemclub/
Cecil Green Park House
6251 Cecil Green Park Road
http://www.cecilgreenpark.ubc.ca/
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Directions
to the
Chemistry
Forum
Walk north along Main
Mall until you reach the
Rose Garden
Go down the Rose Garden
steps and cross Northwest
Marine Drive
Continue north until you
reach Cecil Green House.
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.UAiAilAAAAJ^^f4|4JAiAA 25 February 2003
THE FOUR THIRTY TWO
Page Eleven
Science Social Space
(S3) Referendum
Build Your Future . . . Leave a Legacy
Reka Sztopa
President
rsztopa@in terchange. ubc. ca
Science students! These next two
weeks are going to be some of the
most exciting weeks in Science student history at UBC. The Science Undergraduate Society will be holding a referendum from March 1st - March 7th asking
you to support an increase in your Science
fees to build a new Science Student Centre.
For many years, Science students have
been talking about the need for a large and
convenient social space to serve the entire
Science student population.
The new Science Student Centre will provide a social space for all Science students
to meet their academic and social needs.
This unique space will be centrally located
amongst the Science buildings, and will
combine study areas, meeting rooms, and
lounge space to serve all 6500 Science students.
The proposal is to increase Science fees by
$10, from the current $12 to $22. The fee
will be allocated as follows: $9 to the Sci
ence Social Space Fund to create and maintain the Science Student Centre and $1 to
increase club funding.
If you have any questions, you can visit us
online at www.S3vote.com or email us at
info@S3vote.com. You can also come to one
of five forums to listen to a brief presentation and participate in a Question, Answer
and Discussion period. The dates of the
forums are:
Tuesday, February 25 (12:30pm - 1:30pm)
SUB Conversation Pit
Tuesday, February 25 (7pm - 8pm)
Totem Park Residence
Wednesday, February 26 (7pm - 8pm)
Place Vanier Residence
Tuesday, March 4 (12:30pm -1:30pm)
SUB Conversation Pit
Wednesday, March 5 (12pm -lpm)
SUB Conversation Pit
This is your chance to build your future,
create a space you can call your own, and
leave a legacy for all future Science students.
Vote Online at WWW.SUS.UBC.CA from
MARCH 1st to 7th!
Congratulations to
the UBC Quiz Bowl Team on winning the National
Academic Quiz Tournaments (NAQT) Regionals, which
were held at SFU on Saturday Feb 8th 2003.
UBC won all three titles: NAQT Northwest Division I
Champions, NAQT Northwest Division II Champions
and NAQT Northwest Division I Undergrad Champions,
These three titles were held by SFU for the last two
years. Because UBC won the championship, the
winning team of Luka Janicijevic, James Leong, Fred
Sheppard and Lavan Sornarajah, will advance to the
finals held in Los Angeles on Apr 3-5th.
The UBC Quiz Bowl Club
The Drawers of SUS
Anna-Marie Bueno
Social Coordinator
ai_vi@msn. com
In a wonderful attempt to keep my exec
reports so fresh and clean, I've decided
to use the ISA. I'll apologize ahead of
time for the difficulty you may experience
deciphering these terms but WYSIWYG.
AYMOMNK, for the past few years, SUS
has been pushing for an increase in social
space for science students. Evolving from
this effort is a project we affectionately call,
S3 (said: S cubed) AKA Science Social
Space. From March 1st to 7th, all science
students will be given the opportunity to
show their support for the construction of
a Science Social Space by voting YES in the
S3 online Referendum at www.sus.ubc.ca.
If you want the detailed 411 on this, be sure
to check out www.s3vote.com. OTST, we
thought it would only be fitting that the
bzzr garden this Friday be our kick-off
party for the S3 referendum. H/E, due to
CBMC (i.e. potential union strikes), we
were unable to book the plaza b/n Hebb
Theatre and the Chemistry/Physics Building (which, AYMOMNK, is the proposed
site for the new S3). *SOB* I know, I'm just
as sad as you are about the whole situation.
But fear not, for the spirit of us science students shall not be hampered; a resolution
is underway. KYEO!
OAN, I hope everyone had a wonderful
reading break. I sure did - all the eating, all
the p*psi keeping me wired and up till 5
am, all the hours spent on MSN . . . good
times, good times, indeed. No, really. I
even had time to start a lovely blog with
my dream team (3 cheers for the dream
team!!!).
Oh and just for the record, I'd just like to
say how "hip and cool" our execs are. I
never thought I'd be so privileged to listen
to Sameer rap to Warren G's "Regulate" or
Chris Z. bust lines from Dr. Dre and
Snoop's "Nuthin' but a 'G' Thang" Oh and
can Chris bust a move or what? Yes, I must
say we have quite a few BAMFs on our
team.
Right. Well that's about it OTST. Thanks
and have yourselves a lovely week!
Key:
ISA = International System of Acronyms
WYSIWYG = what you see is what you get
ASYMOMNK = as you may or may not
know
SUS = Science Undergraduate Society
AKA = also known as
411 = information
OTST = on the SoCo tip
H/E = however
CBMY = circumstances beyond my control
b/n = between
SOB = no! This is not an acronym for what
you think it might be (we don't use profanity here ... or at least I don't) SOB as is in
cry like this ='(
KYEO = keep your eyes open
OAN = on another note
BAMF = you'll have to figure this one out
on your own
Chris Zappavigna
Senate
c)zappav@interchange. ubc.ca
Hello science students!! I hope
everyone enjoyed his or her reading break. Hopefully everyone did
accomplish some level of studying, as I'm
sure there are midterms after the break. I
know I have a midterm (or two?) the week
after.
At the senate level, the February meeting
was cancelled due to a lack of business on
the agenda. There are, however, a number
-of_new._caurse& being offered through fthe
faculty of science starting in September. If
my memory serves me correct, the courses
are in the departments of earth and ocean
science, microbiology and atmospheric science. Fun, fun.
OK, I'm out for now.
books!
OK?
. back to the
Ben Warrington
I
Publications
the43Z@hotmail.com
don't have much to report, but I had to
fill this awkward little space somehow.
Nothing has happened with Paradigm,
but please keep sending articles. We may
get it published, yet.
I am graduating. I will be gone next year,
so anyone who is interested in having a
small or large part in the paper next year
should step forward soon. I will give you
some rudimentary training: more than I
got at any rate. Anyway, keep those articles
coming.
The Chemistry of Job Hunting
Eggy Yuh
Has Chemistry
So you say you're a chemist. You somehow managed to suffer through three,
four or even more years of molecular
orbital theory, nucleophilic attack and trying to figure out the point groups of hugely complicated molecules. You can't wait to
graduate and then . . . and then what,
exactly? Few people are actually aware of
the applications of a chemistry degree, and
are even less aware of who hires chemists.
And, once you've managed to figure that
out, how are you going to get yourself
hired?
Chemistry, in case you hadn't figured out,
is a hidden job market. For the most part,
all of the career fairs and information sessions that are organized sporadically
throughout the year target engineers or
computer scientists. It's not that chemists
aren't in demand; that couldn't be further
from the truth. The trick is in finding out
who wants you, and how to make them
aware that they want you.
That's where the Undergraduate Chemistry Society comes in. In simpler terms, we
are the Chem Club: we're friendly, we hold
Beaker gardens, and we're here to help.
The annual Chemistry Forum is here to
save your ass, and your credit rating once
you graduate. But wait - Chemistry
Forum? What the hell is a Chemistry
Forum?
The Chemistry Forum is the UCS's annual
attempt at informing undergraduate
chemists about career opportunities in
chemistry. We invite representatives from
industry to come and speak at a one-day
extravaganza of presentations, panel discussions and FREE FOOD. This year's
event will be held Thursday, March 6th
2003 at Cecil Green Park House. Invited
speakers include representatives from
Merck Frosst, Creo, RCMP Forensic Labo
ratories, Cardiome Parma Corp, Canadian
Forest Products, Kelly Scientific, AnorMed
Inc, ARC Pharmaceuticals, and Smart&
Biggar, Fetherstonhaugh. This year we
hope to build on the contacts we've made,
and expand to give participants a look at
non-technical opportunities, such as patent
law, consulting and recruiting.
The day starts bright and early at 8:30 am,
and works its way through presentations
and panel discussions. Audience participation is appreciated and very much encouraged, as the Forum is an opportunity for
you to have your questions answered, and
your concerns addressed. There will be
ample opportunity to personally talk with
the speakers during breaks while you eat
FREE FOOD. Collect business cards, give
them your business cards, set up a job
interview if you feel lucky . . . the day is
about networking and getting informed.
The Forum ends promptly (we hope) at
2:30 pm so you can run off to your labs.
What's that? You desperately want to
come and meet the Chief Operating Officer
of {insert large, impressive company of
interest here} but you don't want to miss a
key lecture in {insert most hated chemistry
lecture here}? No worries - we've managed
to bribe, ahem, convince the department
into cancelling all third and fourth year lectures just for the forum. That's how big a
deal this is.
So mark your calendars, dry-clean your
very best suit (not necessary, but you're
definitely welcome to be a keener) and
we'll see you on March 6th in the Graduate
Student Centre Ballroom. Short-term memory not too good? We'll be reminding you,
reminding you, and reminding you closer
to the actual date; we'll also be posting up
maps in case you have no idea where Cecil
Green Park House is. If you want to put in
your two cents, let me know how annoying
my writing style is, or just send me inappropriate pictures, you can send an email
to ucs_forum@hotmail.com. And remember: FREE FOOD! Page Twelve
THE FOUR THIRTY TWO
25 February 2003
Japanese Culture through Television
Jo Krack
Kyoto Correspondent
First of all, I'd like to thank all my regular readers who took the time to
email me article suggestions. I was
asked about the cars here, about sex with
the locals, and about the TV shows. And
this issue's winner is . . . TV SHOWS! But
first, a brief nod to the runners-up . ..
The cars. One reader asked if I'd seen any
Mazda Cosmo Sports, which were the first
cars with rotary engines (dating from the
1960s). Unfortunately, I am not the person
to ask about cars, as I generally can't tell a
Toyota Camry from a Norco mountain
bike. I will say, however, that most cars
here are smaller and boxier than those in
Canada, perhaps owing to the narrow
"roads" in more rural areas. (In Canada we
would call them "alleys" and would not
think of allowing two lanes of traffic in
them!) The names are also weirder: have
you heard of a Vitz? Lime? Keroppi? OK, I
made that last one up. Anyway, the weirdest car-related sight I've seen so far was a
car with a furry white dashboard and
steering wheel, topped off with purple
lighting. And the driver was male.
Sex with the locals. Unfortunately, this
intrepid reporter can only speculate at this
point. Operation Seduce A Local is still
underway, with the main snarl being that
the only Japanese guys willing to go home
with a Canadian gal are old and weird. The
young, hot guys remain shy and elusive.
OK, enough about my failures. On to . . .
JAPANESE TV SHOWS! There are some
pretty hilarious shows out there, and others that are just plain weird. For example,
the soap opera about a high school girl
who is for some reason living with her
male teacher, whom she has a crush on — I
don't know if they're sleeping together, but
there's a shot of the bedroom in which his
suit and her school uniform are hanging
up side by side — kinky!!
Another show featured a semi-celebrity
young Japanese guy hanging out in an airport, trying to convince a foreigner to come
and homestay at his place. He didn't speak
any English, so the results turned out to be
hilarious. He ended up taking home an
American guy called John who was born in
Okinawa but had forgotten most of his
Japanese (I think his mother was Japanese
and his father was American). John was
understandably wary of why a complete
stranger would invite him to his house,
and he was on edge a lot of the time (the
communication barrier didn't help matters). The poor Japanese guy made the mistake of going through John's backpack,
intending to do his laundry, as John was in
the shower. John emerged from the shower, saw the Japanese guy looking in his bag,
and shoved backwards onto the bed, then
threatened to "kick his ass." Terrified, the
Japanese guy could only say "Wash?
Wash?", to which John responded, "What,
you want to wear my stuff? Naw, man, this
is MY stuff! Naw, man, you can't wear it,
naw. What, you wanna smell it or something? You some kinda pervert?" and
threw his clothes in his host's face. He then
smacked his fist into his palm a few times
for emphasis and left.
Of course, he couldn't really go far . . . he
didn't even know where he was, and all his
stuff was still in his host's apartment. So
when the Japanese guy came out to apologize and try to explain, John had no chance
but to make up (although he kept repeating "You don't touch my stuff, OK? My
stuff, OK?"). A good sport to the last, his
host didn't kick him out (I would've driven
that short-tempered ape to the airport right
away!) and even took him sight-seeing for
the remainder of the homestay, not to mention making him dinner every night. Only
in Japan.
However, my favourite show was one in
which viewers sent in questions and got
quite thorough answers in return. For
example, a young mother wrote in that her
son was turning three years old soon, and
she was going to have to teach him how to
use boys' underwear. She wanted to know:
how do boys take their chin-chins (yes,
that's a Japanese euphemism for penis) out
of their underwear? Do they all use that little pocket at the front?
So an interviewer came to her house and
took her out on the town to seek the
answer to her question! He brought along
an anatomically correct model of a male's
nether regions (from belly-button to upper
thighs) fitted with boxers (he also brought
a pair of briefs). They then stopped, people
on the street and had them demonstrate
their technique on the model. From a
group of young schoolboys, to an elderly
man, no man was spared. They soon
learned that there were a variety of way
men took out their chin-chins: through the
pocket provided, from either side through
the leg holes, or simply from the top.
Which method was best? The interviewer
decided to stage a race. He organized a
group of eight men, each of which had a
different method (half wore boxers, half
wore briefs). They all lined up in their
underwear only, then they raced to a line of
mock urinals and pulled themselves out,
raising their other hand when done. The
fastest turned out to be a briefs-wearer
who took it out from the top. All in all, it
was hilarious to watch. The final segment
was "try and see": the mother put on an
imitation chin-chin and a pair of briefs,
then tried different ways of taking "herself" out of the underwear! It was pretty
funny watching her wiggle around, tugging to pull a fabric chin-chin through the
underwear's front pocket! Try getting a
show like THAT on the air in Canada!
Well, that's it for this issue. I'll definitely
keep up my rigorous study of Japanese culture through TV ... in the meantime, I've
got a few more articles to go, so keep sending those requests to:
gimmekrack@hotmail.com!
No problem is so formidable that you can't walk away from it.
-Charles M, Schul;
Want to know more about the upcoming referendum? Have questions about the proposed
Social Space? Come on out to one of our informational forums to hear more and voice your ideas!
1   if   '  i   \       r    1™"      «fe -".
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e.izzuz
Informational Forums:
DATE:
Tuesday February 25th
Tuesday February 25th
Wednesday February 26th
Tuesday March 4th
Wednesday March 5th
TIME:
12:30-1:30
7:00-8:00
7:00-8:00
12:30-1:30
12:00-1:00
LOCATION:
SUB Conversation Pit
Totem Park Residence Ballroom
Place Vanier Residence Ballroom
SUB Conversation Pit
SUB Conversation Pit
Vote YES online March 1 - 7 at www.sus.ubc.ca

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