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The 432 Oct 8, 2002

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8 OCTOBER 2002
"The trouble with being punctual is that nobody's there to appreciate it/
■Franklin P. Jones
Alma Mater Society sues
American Meteorological Society
'They stole our acronym/' -Kristen Harvey
(Vancouver, Reuters)
While in the midst of a lawsuit over
alleged violations of students
rights relating to the prevention
of a Genocide Awareness Project display
being placed in the Student Union Building, the Alma Mater Society of UBC has
launched its own lawsuit against the
American Meteorological Society for
fraudulent abuse of an acronym.
"When Gray ct al sued us over that GAP
thing, we thought, 'Hey, this suing stuff is
pretty cool. We should do it too.'" said
AMS president Kristen Harvey. "We could
stand to make a fair chunk of cash. Wouldn't that be great?"
After this questionable decision had been
made, the AMS had to find someone to
"We figured that the most money was in
trademark infringement, so we looked for
someone who might have maliciously
stolen our good name and used it to misrepresent themselves, thereby harming our
reputation." said Director of Finance, Nick
After briefly contemplating a suit against
AMS - Global Business and IT Consultants,
the AMS decided it wasn't in the AMS's
best interests to sue the AMS.
"They were like a company that had like
money, and probably lawyers and stuff."
explained Harvey. "Also, I was confused."
The next potential target was the American Mathematical Society. The charge was
that the society had deliberately chosen its
name to have the same acronym as the
Alma Mater Society.
"It was a deliberate attempt to trade on
our good name. We had to drop the suit,
though, because they know calculus, and
we were intimidated," Seddon interjected.
"Besides, we couldn't figure out when the
society was founded. It would have been
embarrassing if we showed up to court
only to find out that they had the acronym
Disillusioned for a time, the Alma Mater
Society stumbled upon the website for the
American Meteorological Society.
"Here was a society, using our acronym,
having been founded in 1919. The Alma
Mater Society's constitution was accepted
on October 15, 1915, four years before,"
continued Seddon. "We had our target."
In the official lawsuit, the Alma Mater
Society of UBC alleges that the American
Meteorological Society has been misrepre
senting themselves as being a student
organization in Canada.
"It may have resulted in some people
standing outside in the rain instead of
attending class at the University of British
Columbia," noted Harvey.
"Though at UBC, it is pretty much the
same thing." clarified Seddon.
The American Meteorological Society is
also being cited for fraudulent misrepresentation of the weather.
"I am seeking damages," claimed Harvey.
"I once had a picnic ruined because it
rained even though the weather guy said it
"If we can't get money for the acronym,
we can always fall back on this second
charge," continued Seddon. "I mean, who
has ever heard of a weatherman being
right? It's a sure deal."
When asked if the AMS shouldn't wait for
the resolution of one legal battle before
starting another, Seddon replied, "We were
hoping to distract other people from the
GAP lawsuit by launching this one. Then it
doesn't matter so much if we win or lose."
"Shh, you weren't supposed to tell them
that," interrupted Harvey.
"Oh yeah, umm, we are very confident in
both lawsuits, and saw no reason not to
pursue the second at this time."
The Alma Mater Society of Queen's University is also watching this lawsuit with
great interest.
"We want to see what kind of precedent is
set," said Queens University AMS president Mike Lindsay. "We were established
in 1858, and thus predate UBC's AMS by a
good margin. If they are able to beat the
American Meteorological Society then we
should really be able to take them to the
cleaners. I mean, they are trying to take on a
completely different type of organization
over an acronym, but they are the same type
of organization as us, and they stole our
whole name, not just three letters."
When asked if Queens University AMS
intended to pursue legal action against
UBC AMS, Lindsay replied, "Money,
money, money. Papa wants a new car."
"Shit," commented Harvey on the possibility of a third lawsuit. "Shit, shit, shit."
"Shit," added Seddon.
When reached for comment on what they
thought of the Alma Mater Society's lawsuit, an American Meteorological Society
spokesman said, "Gap? We don't sell
Weather Cloudy
Terrorism Feared
Queen Declares the 432 "Jolly Good"
Prince Philip Chuckles Thrice
(AP, UBC, Vancouver)
After yesterday's cloudy weather
during the Queen's visit to UBC,
some observers are suggesting that
there may be a link to terrorism.
"It's not like it is ever cloudy in London,
but when the Queen shows up here, suddenly there are clouds everywhere," said
noted conspiracy theorist, Barney Glotz.
"With all the terrorism going on in the
world, I can't believe there is no connection. I'll bet that it's Osama Hussein, or
Saddam bin Laden, or Al'Qaeda, or Al'-
Jazzerra, or something. They now have a
fiendish weather control device; I just
know it. I'll bet they set off one of those
nuclear weapons or something, and now
we're having a nuclear winter. I bet them
Afghani-Iraqi's are in my basement right
Others are not nearly so paranoid.
"Terrorists cannot possibly control the
weather," stated third year Arts student,
Kenneth Farthing. "Some people just give
them too much credit. The Queen was
about ten minutes late though, what's up
with that? I'll bet it's the terrorists. You
know, a terrorist took my parking spot the
other day. It was like he was trying to say,
'We're going to take all your parking spots,
you filthy American dog,' and I'm not even
American. I'm like Canadian."
Officials in Washington are saying that it
is too early to tell if the cloudy weather was
connected to terrorism, but they are
launching an investigation to find out who
knew that the terrorists had a weather control device and when they learned this
"If there has been a failure of the American intelligence machine, we will find an
appropriate scapegoat and publicly draw
and quarter him," said President Bush.
When asked for a comment, Canadian
Security Intelligence Services said that they
would wait to see who the CIA told them
to arrest. Then, they will send the RCMP to
arrest that individual, and get Immigration
Canada to hand him over to American
authorities. They will then use every diplomatic method to get him released. Page Two
8 October 2002
Volume Sixteen
Issue Three
8 October 2002
Did Some Work
Benjamin Warrington
the432@hotmail. com
Sorta Helped
Fiend (Dan Anderson)
People Who Sent Stuff
Dan Anderson
Albert Chen
Gillian Gunson
Graeme Kennedy
Jo Krack
Kristin Lyons
Johnny Mclntyre
Angelique Myles
Brad Pyke
Ben Tippett
Sameer Wahid
Benjamin Warrington
Frank Yang
Eggy Yuh
Chris Zappavigna
Printed by
College Printers, Vancouver, BC
Legal Information
The 432 is published fortnightly
from the pancreas of the Colonel
Klinck Building. All views expressed
in this issue are strictly those of the
individual writers, and as such are
not the responsibility of the 432,
The Science Undergraduate Society,
or the Faculty of Science. Writers
and cartoonists are encouraged to
submit their material to the 432.
Submissions must meet the requirements of making the editor chuckle
thrice, and contain the author's
name and contact information.
The editors of the 432 would like to
encourage reader feedback. If you
have something bad to say, disregard your mother and say it (If you
have something good to say you
may also say it)!
Contact us at: the432@hotmail.com
The Queen's comments on the 432
may have been misrepresented or
fabricated in whole or in part.
God Save the Queen!
Hand Waving Behaviour
Baffles Class
Frank Yang
Dazed and Confused
A mere month after commencement
of the academic year, students in
professor Dutton McKray's philosophy 120 class are already baffled by his
lecturing habits.
Since the beginning of the course, professor Mckray has regularly waved his hands
and arms around in rapid, chaotic motion
during every lecture, much to the confusion of his students.
Initially, a majority of students attributed
the waving motions to attempts at clarifying the course notes. But after two weeks
of consistent hand waving with no noticeable increase to student understanding of
the lecture material, this original hypothesis was largely discarded.
Since that time, class opinions have been
divided. Theories as to the purpose behind
the mysterious activity are as diverse as
they are numerous. Examples range from
sign language for the short sighted, hearing impaired students, to a reflexive muscle condition, to even more controversial
ideas such as an elaborate personal insult
of the average class intelligence. At least
one student claims she is confident the
actions are religiously significant.
"I still think it is a dramatic reinterpreta-
tion of the medieval Christian mentality
and the tower of Babylon." commented
third year arts student Anne Weedon, "By
using only his hands to narrate the confusion that b afell the builders of the tower,
while he speaks on in an unintelligible -
and presumably unrelated - oration, [professor McKray] is vividly contrasting the
further fall from paradise depicted in the
bible, to the more immediate tragedy of
our inability to discover the so called 'true'
meaning of any 'text'. He achieves this by
framing these contrasting dualities in the
motions of interpretive dance."
Nicholas Saim, second year engineering
student, disagrees. "You can tell from the
way he lectures that he knows engineers
are taking the course. Since he knows
we're here, he's trying to make it easier for
us to understand him. You know, by showing his ideas as something we'd be familiar
with. Well, like points on a bridge and how
much stress they can tolerate; or in this
class, how much a philosopher's point
might 'weigh' in an argument. I feel like
every time he makes an arc or a line with
his hands, I'm getting one step closer to figuring out what he's talking about."
Many who are taking the course are also
perplexed by the lack of explanation found
in the reading material. "There's only half
a page on hand waving in the entire
[textjbook," lamented fellow student Lee
Fu Cheng, "I don't know why he made me
waste thirty bucks on that [useless book]."
Despite the rampant speculation, professor McKray himself could not be reached
for comment.
God Save the Queen
(from Gordon Campbell)
Sameer Wahid
Perennially Pissed
Her Majesty, Queen Elizabeth II,
came to visit the UBC Campus
today. Now while this article is
going to be a rant, I'd like to make three
things extremely clear: I fully support the
monarchy, I think we have a great Queen,
and I am quite thrilled about the Irving K.
Barber Learning Center. To start off, I will
outline exactly what happened for those of
you who were living in a cave when Her
Majesty visited UBC.
The Queen arrived, a few minutes late,
and greeted some of the students who
were awaiting her arrival. After the typical
handshakes and waving, the Queen was
escorted by Gordon Campbell (the subject
of this rant), to see four displays put on to
show the cultural diversity of the province.
Finally, the Queen took a seat on the main
stage, along with Campbell, UBC President Martha Piper, and other VIP's. Martha
Piper then gave a very warming welcome
to Her Majesty, accompanied by much
clapping. The tone of the event then
changed, as Premier Campbell was welcomed to the stage by some minor booing
from the crowd. And this is where the rant
There was no need to boo our Premier
when he got up to speak at the podium.
While many students dislike the actions
the Premier has taken (I personally support the tuition increase - but that's another article), we should left our internal politics for another occasion. The Queen was
present, and she did not deserve to hear a
single boo (even if it wasn't directed at
her). Boos notwithstanding, Premier
Campbell started his speech by welcoming
the Queen, and discussing the Queen's
support of cultural diversity, education,
and literacy. Ironically, the Premier
brought the literacy problem to light during his speech, by saying African-American instead of African-Canadian. Ignoring
the Premier's faux pas, the speech was progressing well, until the Premier decided to
enhance his public image by politicking
during his speech. Campbell started to talk
about the new Irving K. Barber Center, and
how it would greatly benefit the Universi
ty in the coming years. This center, which
was announced last week, is being funded
in part by the government (they are going
to fund a mere one-sixth of the project), but
Campbell used the new center to chew up
three minutes of the Queen's time. For
quite some time, many students wondered
why the hell he talking about this, and
why the new center would be so important
to the Queen. Finally, Campbell mentioned
that there would be a Golden Jubilee Room
in the new Barber Center (commemorating
the Queen's fiftieth year as our monarch),
and asked the Queen to unveil a plaque for
the room. Finally, Campbell stepped down
(having talked for long enough), the procession continued along the courtyard, and
the ceremony was soon over.
In closing, I'd like to thank Gordon Campbell for being a greedy leader. Instead of
speaking about the wonderful accomplishments of the university, touting the natural
beauty of our province, or mentioning the
possibility of the Olympics coming to Vancouver/Whistler, he used his time to try to
-make himself look better and drone on
about a new learning center which the Liberals are partially funding. Gordon, you'd
make a great American politician.
Mutterings on Warped
Brain Functions
Ben Warrington
Schrodinger's Bitch
This past week, I came to two realizations about one of my classes. First of
all, I can be late to the second class in
a row in the same room, having attended
the first in its entirety. Secondly, watching
Kevin Nottle tie his boot is more interesting than going to said class.
University does that to you. It changes
your priorities. It doesn't matter how
important you think something is, your
subconscious will set its own priorities,
and it may or may not tell you about them.
In the case of this class, my subconscious
really doesn't seem to care that I need it to
graduate. It tells me that the class is uninteresting and that it shouldn't be required
for me to graduate.
University also does other, far more insidious things to you. For one, you start using
words like, "insidious." Also, university
makes you think about things in a different
way. As I was pushing a shopping cart
towards my car across Stong's rather hilly
parking lot, I began thinking of pavement's
topography in terms of its geodesies. Later,
I caught myself considering the space-time
curve of my PHYS 407 prof pacing at the
front of the classroom. If you haven't done
General Relativity, and I think it is a safe
bet that 98% of you haven't, you don't
know what I am talking about. And that's
what's scary. I have begun thinking about
everyday things in a way that wouldn't
make sense to the majority of people. Of
course, any fourth (or fifth or sixth) year
student knows and thinks about things
that don't make any sense to me.
Without even thinking about it, I can
utterly confuse nearly any human being.
My normal thought processes have been
rendered incomprehensible to anyone but
another senior undergraduate student (not
that they were terribly normal or comprehensible to anyone before). Perhaps this
means I am now fit to have a degree
bestowed upon me. 8 October 2002
Page Three
How to Use a Calculator
Angeligue Myles
Standard Deviant
I open the package and place its contents
on the table. I am wearing comfy
clothes, hair tied back and I have made
a fresh pot of coffee. I do a few stretches,
grab the scrap paper and take a seat. I am
now ready, yes indeed, ready to teach
myself how to use my new calculator.
It is now sitting in its case, and I have
turned it on. I have found the operational
manual, and I have unfolded it into one
monstrous sheet of instructions and information. I skim over the operational notes;
don't carry the calculator in the back pocket of trousers, clean only with a soft, dry
cloth, blah, blah, blah.
So I need to figure out how to do standard
deviation. This is my goal for the evening.
Got a stats assignment due tomorrow, and
I really don't feel like doing the calculations out by hand. After flipping the
papers back and forth, upside down, right
side up, I finally find the Statistical Calculations instructions. Here they are, Los cal-
culos estadisticos son realizados...wait a
tick (turn page over), statistical calcula
tions are performed in the statistics mode,
much better.
First thing that I must do is change the setting to Stats MODE. Instructions read:
Press 2ndF, MODE, 3, easy-peasy. So I
press 2ndF, but can't seem to find MODE.
Where is MODE? I seem to be missing the
MODE function. Too much writing, blue
orange where am I supposed to be looking? Don't panic it has to be here somewhere. I am blind, my eyes blur, brain gone
fuzzy, must look away, must look away.
"Blink, blink." Oh wait here, found it, no
need to call the company, things are under
control. I have now made it to Stats
MODE, let's get started.
I have to do to do a Single Variable Statistical calculation. I have some irrelevant
data about the effect of parasitism by the
cestode worm (Schistocephalus solidus) on
the feeding behaviour of adult minnows
(hoxinus phoxinus), which is arranged in a
nice table. Time to find the mean. Now
finding the mean isn't the hard part
because I can do that without even being in
Stats mode, or using a calculator for that
matter. However standard deviation, now
that is a calculation I would rather not have
to put pencil to paper to figure out. Especially when I have 10 or so data points.
After actually reading the instructions, I
have figured out that I not only have to be
in Stats MODE but it has to be Stats 0
MODE, for Single-Variable Statistics. You
know it's a good thing I am not in Stats 2,
because that would mean I would be doing
quadratic regression calculation and that is
a whole other pool of numbers, not something I really want to get into just yet. Baby
steps folks, baby steps.
Let's enter some data now, time for action.
All I have to do is enter the number and
then hit the DATA key. Here it goes: 5.3
DATA, 6.7 DATA, 10.6 DATA, 16.2 DATA,
9.8 DATA, *&%$ skipped over a number.
Still haven't quite figured out the multi -
line play back function, must re-enter data.
All data now entered, hit the RCL key and
then X (gives me the mean). Then hit RCL
and the sx key. Woo-hoo! I now have a
number for standard deviation. Just to
check that it is correct, I am going to calculate it by hand. As masochistic as that
seems, I just want to be certain the number
is correct. (15 minutes later, a trip to the
bathroom, coffee refill) I calculate
0.640, same as the calculator. Victory dance
in front of the dog, victory dance, okay he
doesn't look impressed and is starting to
whimper. Plus someone just walked by
and they are now staring at me. Time to sit
back down. Next question.
Random mental thoughts are passing
through my head as I calculate and re-cal-
Summer Ramblings
Brad Pyke
Not a Fish
Since it is now the third real week of
school, summer almost feels like a
distant hallucination. Did it really
happen? Did I actually see any sun? What
would I have been doing if it was still summer? Apparently, summer did actually
happen. In fact, it says so right on my calendar. All four months of it. Lucky for me,
three of those months were wisely spent
here at UBC, inside some select buildings,
listening to teachers, taking notes, and
writing exams. Sounds like the rest of the
year, only much more condensed. In order
to cope, I've learned how to write faster
(albeit messier), use a multi-coloured pen
(They're great!), and have saved money by
not buying sun screen (I didn't need it.).
I've heard some grumblings from people
in my Math class like "He's going too fast!
I can't keep up!" Whatever. Try four weeks
of Physics. When the class started, we took
breaks. By the second week, nobody left
the room during the 3hour lectures. Some
even arrived as much as two hours earlier
and still did not leave the room. Normal
human exsistence was next to impossible...
We were like cockroaches! Our lives were
limited to eating, sleeping, and Physics.
Well, that's not entirely true as some of us
did go AWOL and found fountains of bzzr
somewhere, but you get the idea.
So, that left me with four weeks of summer condensed into August, and what did
I do? I slept. Shit, I must've caught up on
all the sleep that I had lost over the previous three terms. It was great. Except, waking up during normal hours of the first
week back was rough. Everybody thought
I was tired from partying too much (let this
prove them wrong).
I also found a job half way through July
as a delivery driver for a well known pizza
company in the WestEnd. The plusses
were driving along Beach avenue, meeting
lots of girls, making money, and working
on my Bike. The minuses were starving
(there's never any time to take a break), gay
people hitting on me, and tourists who
can't drive.
I'm sure that many of you have had the
experience of following some car with
Alberta plates. It seems that their attitude
must be tainted by the fact that they own
the Canadian Oil industry because they
drive as if the own the road while the rest
of us rent it. I saw one such vehicle straddle two lanes on Nelson while driving at
30 km/h, and then stopping at a green light
before turing onto Seymour, again straddling two lanes. Now, I grew up on
Ontario farmland, so I understand that driving in the middle of the road is the safest
place to be, but only in the country when
there's no other traffic! It's odd how some
Albertans can be really smart [the editor
knows that Brad only wrote this because Brad
knows that the editor is Albertan -ed.J, and
others have no idea how to drive in a
densely populated area. Maybe they spent
too much time driving tractors through
herds of cattle.
This brings me to driver safety. There's a
lot of cars out there with N's and L's, so listen up: roadways are a dynamic environment. If you must stop in order to feel in
control a situation, get off the road so that
you don't inhibit the natural flow of traffic.
T/MMyMflK^S fV/V Of Ttf/AJ$S
culate the mean, standard deviation, standard error of the mean, coefficient of variation, etc...These questions are always the
same; why can't we calculate the probability of something interesting? Like say, the
chances of turning over one of the mini
tables attached to the chairs in the lecture
halls and touching a piece of chewed bubble gum. Now wouldn't you like to know
the likelihood of that? And what are the
chances of it being green?
Last question done, and I now believe that
I can say I have mastered the standard
deviation calculation. I am still no expert at
how my calculator works. Therefore,
please don't ask me to do binary, octal, decimal and hexadecimal operations or simultaneous linear equations with three
unknowns. Can't do them, at least not yet,
and definitely not tonight. It is late, and
hopefully after three cups of coffee I will
be able to sink into slumber. Assignment is
complete, and the very helpful manuals
have been re-folded. **Note to self, put in
special place that I will be able to remember and then put it in a place that isn't special because I can never seem to remember
these special places.
Time for bed, and remember antes de usar
la calculadora tiene leer el manual de
Slow drivers are usually the primary cause
of road rage. If you can't handle speed,
either burn a tank of gas and cruise around
for practice, get someone else to chauffeur,
or take the bus. (Ignorance is the second
cause of road rage) Too many people drive
like cattle walking to the slaughter house,
so remember that driving is a lot like walking around campus but with bigger
dimensions. I'm a pro-driver, so I must be
right. 'Nuff said.
Getting back to the topic of summer, I
actually did get around to having some
fun. A weekend in Invermere, organizing a
show for my bands, a few beach parties,
watching summer weather patterns, wearing less clothing than normal, and getting
to know who my friends really are. That
last point is especially important.
Fair enough. It is reasonable that Alberta drivers who aren't used to narrow lanes and
curvy roads drive slowly when they encounter
such. What about the B.C. drivers that can't
make it up to the speed limit on a straight
Hey Timmy! How's it Doin'
little  mail?
Ben you no talent
narcissist! hunky guy!
You've been
dominating my strip for
wayyy too long!
Careful about what you say dude; just
cuz you miss makin' fun of things is
no reason do go do something rash.
You Think you're all
powerful you ugly bag
of puss? hands om
chunk of hunk? I'mna
gonna do my job if it
bugs you
or not!
I'm appearing on a
speakers corner
comercial! look for me
on Global TV!!!
I am a stupid ugly fat bastard who
smells like filthy laundry and fantasizes
about dirty turtle loving till my shorts
smell scary and my palms turn hairy! Page Four
8 October 2002
When In College
A Turgid, Torrid Romance Novel of Reckless Youth
Dan Anderson
Mike touched the inviting stomach,
firm but tender his hands roved
over the satin skin, teasingly
moving upwards, so soft as to almost tickle. His face relaxed with a look of pure
bliss, his other hand swept to the neck,
caressing and probing.
Suddenly, there was a knock at the door.
Mike quickly pulled his shirt down and
turned his monitor off before leaping to the
portal. "Yeah? Hey Rob, what's going on?"
"Hey, man, we're going to hit Hubbard's.
Uh, you busy? I mean, if you just got back
from a workout or something, it's no big
deal. I mean, uh, yeah. I'm just gonna go."
"No, no, that's all right," said Mike, flipping his hair back out of his face, the tousled mass framing his devilish face. "I was
just surfing the net, you know, not really
doing much. I could go for an ice cream
The two men - if boys, still inexperienced
and exploring their selves and those
around them can be called men - strolled
down the Vanier hallway, and a few minutes later met their companion for the trip
to the store; Rob's friend Sarah, Sarah Bon-
field. Her face was as lovely as her name,
with a pale complexion and a touch of
asian ancestry, high cheekbones and clear
brown eyes. The strongest feeling of recognition he'd had in a long time came over
him - the strongest since he'd noticed that
the cafeteria's pork pies tasted exactly the
sarhe as the vegetarian lasagne. Mike was
instantly struck the moment he saw her,
drawn inexorably towards her as if a string
on his guts had twanged and jerked his
insides directly towards her. She, unaware
of the impending visceral flood, demurely
closed her door behind her, shutting off
view of the sparse room. Mike's fleeting
peek at her innermost sanctum only
revealed a posterless wall and a computer,
running but with the monitor off, drawn
blinds, and a wilting begonia, obviously
dismayed by it's position underneath her
broken salt shaker.
The trip to Hubbard's was at once sickening and enticing, as Mike contrived to find
conversation that would keep her interested, and she quietly answered occasional
queries. His stomach lurched every time he
said something silly - "so, where do you
live," "you're in a double room? How's the
view?", and "are you excited about
midterms?" all made him flinch as he realized what he'd said. The trip back was
equally frightening, though quieter, but he
was certain he caught her looking at him
sideways once Or twice.
When, trembling at his memories of her,
Mike shakily let himself back into his
room, he could only think of one thing.
"Where, where have I seen her before?
Surely not at the caf. Neither could it have
been in class; I haven't gone since first
week, and besides, she's in mostly Engineering classes, and I'm in Science." He
turned his monitor back on, relaxing as he
sat down into the well-worn, yet still somehow uncannily uncomfortable chair. The
scent of pine and freshly mixed cement
swept in the window on a gust of cool air,
joined by the voices of girls outside on the
grass, chatting while "studying." He
turned from the monitor as it flickered to
life, and gently lifted one of the blinds a
centimeter so he could see out. His eyes
passed over the chatting girls, and dismissed them as beneath him, although he
decided that if he met the one in the red
tube top she might be worth talking to. He
turned back to his computer, and felt like
his pulse would drive tap dancers mad
with envy; could that - could that be Sarah
on the monitor? Different hair, yes, but
Will Mike talk to Sarah again, or will he
just stare at her from across the caf after
memorizing her class schedule? Was that
really her on that website? Does anyone
ever actually use ResNet for anything
except porn? Will William ever love again?
Just who is William, anyways, and why do
we care about him? Is Rob just a plot
device, or will he actually have any depth
past stumbling over his own embarrassment? Why did the topic of William come
up? Do you know something I don't about
William? Is Sarah actually going to have a
personality, or will she just be a woman to
lust after? Is Mike actually going to have a
personality, or will he just be a man to lust
after? Why am I asking all these questions?
Shouldn't I be doing something more productive with my time?
The SUS Lounge
Come Visit Us
Tired of the same old dreary day to day life? Want to explore new countries, or
experience new cultures, art, food, and lifestyles? Well, have we got a deal for
you. Come to Klinck (also called LSK) 202, and you can sit and absorb strange
cultures in our lounge, learn about faraway civilizations on our free internet, mass-produce your art on our cheap five-cent photocopier, and try odd new foods-like free
water, or cheap 75-cent pepsi-brahd beverages from our pop machine, you anti-Coke-
brand-name rebel, you. [Well, we stock Coke stuff too but we are not limited by the university's Coke deal, so it is one of the few places you can get Dr. Pepper-ed.] And if you feel like
getting involved, break away from the flock and join our herd of rampaging under-
grads, trying to make life better for Science students by campaigning, being a student
voice, cleaning and maintaining our lounge, and getting really drunk for no apparent
reason. Well, at least the last two.
Not into exploring the world? Prefer to explore your navel? Well, our lounge (that's
Klinck 202) has a limited-time offer: come by and sit down and navel gaze, free! Offer
good while supplies of oxygen in the atmosphere last.
Supersize yourself
with New
>&*K? * ' Mft^btiMT ?*
___m^ <mkmm%.
Classic Coke
New ViagraCoke!
* Not recommended for people with heart
disease. Please consult your doctor before use.
Available at all good pharmacies and soda halls.
Do not ingest if pregnant, if there is a history of
low blood pressure, or if vasovagal responses
are common. Can cause death if taken in
excess. Two Litre size can not always be
guaranteed. "Big Gulp" size may induce choking. 8 October 2002
Page Five
2002 SUS
Council Elections
The Science Undergraduate Society council elections are
being held this week from October 9 through October 11.
This is your opportunity to vote for a representative for
your department or program as well as for four General
Officers. Additionally, due to a resignation, there is one
executive position open (executive elections are normally
held in March).
Polling booths will be located at the Student Union
building and at high traffic locations in various science
buildings around campus (see the schedule below). To
help you make your decision, we have included information on this page and the two following from each candidate running in the election. Please come out to vote.
You must bring your student card to vote. Note that you
are only an eligible voter for the department or program
in which you are enrolled. All undergraduate Science students are eligible to vote for the Social Coordinator and
the General Officer positions.
Good luck to all of the Candidates.
Poll Booth Schedule
Fd, Oct 11th
9 30-12 30     12 30-3 30
9 30-12 00   12 00-3 30
9 30-12 00      12 00-2 30
SUB                       SUB
SUB                     SUB
SUB                        SUB
W estbrook       W estbrook
W oodw aad      M ath
W oodw aid           LSK
H ebb Theater   BixbgialScfencES
Chem istry        Cher, jstiy
BiibgiaKirKEs  Henniigs
Chan istty        W oodw aid
Hebb Theater W estbrook
Chan istry          Chan istry
IjSK                    Chem .fetry
Hennings         Henniigs
W estbrook          W estbrook
Social Coordinator
Paul Steeves
Science One
Kristy Chu
Hi! My name is Kristy Chu and I am running for Science One Rep. I love to play ultimate, swim in the ocean, and laugh! If I sound like the kind of person that you think
would make a good representative for our class, then VOTE FOR ME! Thanks and see
you in LSK 460 (where else would I be?)
Katrina Jensen
Uh, apparently the Science One Rep doesn't really do anything, so I can't make any big
promises about the magic things that I will accomplish. All I have to say is that you
should vote for me if you like me, and for someone else if for some strange reason you
are not so fond of me. Your mother was a hamster and your father smelt of elderberries,
now vote for me or I shall taunt you a second time. (If you don't understand that then you
should watch Monty Python.)
Patricia Lau
Hi everyone, I guess it is pretty obvious that I'm running for Science One rep. Over the
last few weeks I have had a chance to talk to most of you and hopefully you're getting to
know me. I have been on student council before and this job sounds like so much fun. I
would really like to represent you all! Remember, I know all your names! =) That's all for
now. Cheers.
Reka Pataky
Seeing as a blurb is used to sell something, this is like a glorified 99 word-personal ad to
attract Science One votes instead of a guy who shares my passion for pina coladas and
getting caught in the rain. Firstly, I know I could do a great job of being Science One rep.
You are an absolutely awesome group of people (Bamfield was sooooo much fun!) and I
would enthusiastically represent your interests in the SUS. Secondly, it just occurred to
me that my initials are REP so it's like some kind of manifest destiny thing's going on.
General Officer
(elect four)
Natasha Ahluwalia
Abigail Asirvatham
Hey everyone, I'm Abigail and I'm running for the position of general officer. So, I
thought I'd tell you about myself -just so you know who you're voting for:)
A- Affable
B- Bargain hunter
I- Interested in Science
G- Goal: To do my best
A- Artistic
I- Imaginative
L- Let's make this year the Best Yet!
Vote Abi for General Officer
Kim Barber
Harpreet Brar
Hi! I am Harpreet Brar and I am running for the position of General Officer. Being a first
year science student I am aware of the difficulties and hardships faced by new students.
I willwork to assure that your voices are heard and your concerns looked into. My previous experiences of volunteering with the Cancer Society as a Zone Captain, the Heart
and Stroke Foundation, Surrey Memorial Hospital and Youth Options as a tutor prove
my leadership qualities and the commitment that I put into my work. You can be sure:
when I speak it's your voice that's heard.	
William Chao
Hi everyone!
My name is William Chao and I am running to be your general officer in SUS.
To everyone out there who already knows me, I'd like to say "hi". AA
To everyone who I've yet to meet, I look forward to meeting you.
Good luck to all my fellow students who are running for SUS!
Gerald Li
Does it ever seem like SUS is some mysterious entity
that conjures up Science Week and the occasionalbmr
garden from nowhere? Mjrname is Gerald Li and I'm
running for General Officer. I've had experience
working with SUS last year as a member of the First
Year Committee. This year, I hope to serve as your
voice at SUS Council. Have great suggestions for an
event? Just let me know. Finally, you, the science
student, can get involved. Together, we will make this
an e xc ellent ya ar for all!
John Park
Wanted for General Officer
Brian Shen
Anthony Iran
Hey guys, whats up? First off, I'd like to encourage everyone to come out and vote this
year. Secondly, I am looking forward to being your G.O. rep. I have experience as an academic and sports instructor and other leadership roles. I will represent the students' voice
in SUS & hopefully bring out new ideas. So now it's up to you to vote and make a difference!!! And lastly, good luck with the school year, you will need it!!! Page Six
8 October 2002
2002 SUS Coi
First Year (elect two)
Juliana Caon
Shaun Carson
Ed Cheung
Hey there! I'm Ed Cheung and I'm running for First Year Rep. I'm looking forward to
making this an awesome year, so make sure to check my name on your ballot.
Well, a bit about myself... I'm from North Vancouver but staying at Vanier this year. In
high school, I was treasurer and social coordinator of Student Council, was on Grad
Council, and was elected by my grad class as valedictorian. Currently, I'm chairing the
SUS First Year Committee and organizing some cool stuff for first year science.
So in brief: Join Team Eddie - it's going to be a blast!
James Cummins
If elected to become first year rep, I'll be sure to represent all types of year students fairly, as I have an excellent appreciation of all types of lifestyles and cultures! Having grown
up in a small town, I have the compassion and the sentimentality that is so endearing of
small town people. When these skills are combined with the wilder, more entertaining,
more accepting multicultural attitude I have gained from staying in downtown Toronto
and Vancouver during the summers, I can tower above the competition. While the other
candidates are also intelligent, powerful people, it is my skills in immersing myself into
many different cultures and volunteering experiences that make me a strong vote. I can
see the views of many different cultures; many different belief groups, and use them to
make valid decisions regarding campus life. I pledge to keep what's good in the SUS, but
also find some fun, new approaches to life as a member of the "brightest and strongest"
faculty at UBC - the science faculty. Only your vote can make a difference! Vote James
Cummins for 1st year rep!
Tom Dang
D&au,  tis m» Uur£, Tke^m s name, is ( l/f"i; ke runs(for First "ear Rep
and fi£&S microlioiom n ahem n math; 00a. skoucdn t v-ote §or kirn as
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Gina Eom
Hello fellow first years!
I'm Gina from Coquitlam. Besides running for first year rep to the SUS Council, I've been
elected chair of the >First Year Committee (YOUR committee). But let me tell you a little
about myself: I like to dance (ballet and >jazz), draw, and paint. I love horses!!! After
spending this summer in cancer research, I've decided to do it for >a living. Last year I
served as VP of Red Cross, initiated environmental projects, and was a mentor for
younger students. With your help and support, I hope to do much more. Come out and
Kim Louie
•I Ofr"T
Mark Chen
Hi, my name is Mark Chen and I would like to represent the Department of
Chemistry on the SUS council. Representing the students of this department
is not simply something that I would like to do, but it is my responsibility as
president of the Undergraduate Chemistry Society. I have regular contact
with the faculty as well as close relations with the students. I offer myself in
service to you, and I hope you will keep me in mind when you encounter a
Nabeela Khan
I lived in Brunei most of my life. I studied at the Jerudong International School where I
was exposed to different people and their traditions while honouring each for its uniqueness. I was the head of the Environment and Community Comittee, one of the heads in
the Student Council and the student editor for the local newspaper. I am also a sports
maniac and am at the moment participating in the Soccer Intramurals. This is the first
time I have been to Canada and thought that running in these elections would be the best
way to get to know as many of you as possible. In thishuge campus I feel as though my
views go unheard, my pain unfelt and my joy unnoted. Vote for me as your First Year Rep
and lets change this.
Lik Hang Lee
Lower transit fares?
Improve health care coverage?
Cut UBC tuition fees?
These are not promises attainable by SUS Council so I will make no such promises. But
if you elect me, I do promise to: .-•—-^_
y n um rf  *" ^X   VOTEforme!
• Be approachable <(, # ^ •>   LIK HANG LEE!
y Listen to you concerns and needs \\. > \5f m the best
• Be your voice ^"^T^  •   for 1st year rep!
y Make 1st year Science fun and the best that it can be !
Lisa Liang
Who am I? I am Lisa. But from Bob Richards' view - "You are what
you think. You are what you go for. You are what you do!" - then I
am positive, efficient and passionate for achieving great things.
With leadership skills developed through activities such as student
council and youth group, I'd like to provide my best service for the
first year science students. As you remember, total energy is always
conserved. So, the energy you put into voting for Lisa = the energy
I will put in solving your concerns!
Anthony So
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Natalie Tran
Am I a science geek? Hell no. I bet you don't even care about these
elections, but let me introduce myself to all you friendly 1st year science students anyways...© My name is Natalie Tran and I'm from a
town called Sidney (near Victoria). I am running for this position,
because I like working with different groups (not just with the super
geniuses or only with those rare science students who wish they were
in ARTS). I'd describe myself as approachable, outgoing, polite, conservative, and genuine. You guys deserve only the BEST-give me a
chance and let rng represent you.
Mathematics and
Collin Chan
w As "brevity is the wit of soul" (Hamlet), I will get straight to the point.
Please vote Collin for Math/Stats rep! Why? He has experience working with SUS (as a member of FYC) and that makes him a great candidate to vote for!
That's all!
Chigusa Torres
Hey, Math and Stats students! My name is Chigusa Torres and I am running to be your
representative in the Science Undergraduate Society! Being a third year student majoring
in math (and taking some stats courses), I have had my share of experiences in these
departments. So this year, let me be your representative. I am a caring and responsible
person who will listen to your concerns and will actively take down your suggestions. Let
me make this a good year for you! So on voting days, vote for Chigusa Torres to be your
voice. Thanks and have an awesome year! 8 October 2002
Page Seven
jncil Elections
Tiffany Chong
Hedy Lam
I h, m> name is 1 led) and 1 am running tor Luochem iep... 1 am supposed lo u ilie about
why people out there should vote for me but I figure eVery One will wriTe about thE
same boring tHings so you would bE tired of reaDing about them bY now.
Now Let's talk About subliminal Messages. I think they are so wrong and people who
use them are manipulative and are invading our freedom to choose... Oops my little
blurb is too long for our editors, maybe next time.
May Tee
Fact: A Biochemistry curriculum change that resulted in the termination of a program
option was made without consultation of the student body. Where was the student voice
in this decision?
Fact: SUS used to sponsor a scholarship/bursary program for Science students-this program has ceased to exist. Tuition fees are increasing but scholarship opportunities are not
paralleling this rate of increase.
Fact: It's good to vote for positive change and for the experienced candidate. As Biochemistry Rep., I'll work hard to represent Biochemistry students and re-implement
this scholarship/bursary program.
Marsha Tung
Great Biochemists! I would really appreciate it if you vote me as
your biochemistry representative!
I have experience in servicing people from university clubs, the
workplace, and in high school student councils. Plus, my flexible
schedule this year allows me to devote my time to you.
Once I get elected, I will voice your ideas and concerns at the
weekly SUS meetings, and on the monthly reports to the council.
I will provide you with up-to-date info about science events and
be on the lookout for any injustice done to our fellow Biochemistry students by distributing surveys. I will also try to network with people by making
yearbooklets & arranging social events such as BBQs! Let me make your year in biochemistry worthwhile!
Microbiology and
Howard Chu
I guessed everyone has been sick of the promises that candidates make during elections
because we NEVER see any of them happening! But HOWARD CHU is here today to
make the promises come true. As the representative for Microbiology and Immunology,
I will work closely with the Microbiology and Immunology Student Association (MISA)
and make your opinions heard! HOWARD CHU will be your active voice in SUS so make
a right choice and VOTE for HOWARD!!
Ambrose Wong
Hey everyone! My name's Ambrose and I am running for Microbiology and Immunology Department Representative. The rep's responsibility is to be a liaison between SUS and
the department. Now in my fourth year, I have worked in several labs in Microbiology
and I am in contact with many faculty members there. I also keep in touch with the students, as I am an executive of MISA, Microbiology and Immunology Student Association.
Therefore, I will provide a strong connection between the two groups so that students
will stay informed. Please vote for me October 9 to 11!
Juliana Lam
Juliana Lam
Pharmacology Rep
Science Program
Gabriel Hung
Hey everyone, my name is Gabriel Hung and I am running for CSP Representative. I am
a responsible and organized person who puts in the greatest effort to complete every task
to the finest detail. Moreover, I am open-minded, patient and make the most out of everything I do. I have experience with forming successful study groups as a peer tutor and
planning formal events in grad council at my high school. I also participate in volunteering programs in various places such as summer camps, hospitals and parks. Furthermore, I enjoy playing basketball, tennis and badminton, and I am an avid skier as well.
Hana Kolac
Do you want to ace all of your courses? Then vote for Hana Kolac for CSP Rep.
It's mathematically proven!
Hana -> CSP Rep. = A's for everyone
Christina Wong
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Jensen Wong
Fellow CSPers,
No time aside from school? Well, be glad if you're not running for SUS Council CSP Representative. But please take a few minutes from your busy schedule to select a representative. If you don't have time to represent yourself, you should find someone to represent
you. And shall this person be me, Jensen Wong, I thank you for your vote. Please drop
by a poll booth October 9th-llth to vote for Jensen Wong for your CSP Rep. You'll be glad
you did! Don't forget your student card. Best of luck with your studies. You'll need it!
Cindy Yung
I'm Cindy Yung and I'm running for CSP Rep. I value contribution to the school and
community through active involvement and service. Currently, I'm the Co-Treasurer of
the SUS First-Year Committee. In high school I was President of the Music Council, member of the Student Council and Coquitlam Youth Council, teaching assistant, summer
camp assistant, and volunteer music tutor. I've also participated in provincial and national youth conferences. I learned from my experiences what it takes to be a cooperative
team member, a successful event-organizer, an effective listener, and a capable leader.
Fellow CSP students: Let me voice your minds!
Jennifer Bustard
I am a third year Biopsych student and I am running for the position of Psychology Representative. If elected I will put in the necessary time to ensure that our department is
well represented on SUS. I believe that we have a great program. And, in reference to life,
or to the brain's unconscious control of behaviour (smile):
"Do. Or do not. There is no try."
-Yoda, the Great Jedi Master
Sandy Chuang
Vote 5RNDY Chuang For
Psychology Hep
She is responsible, energetic, approactigfcle,
open-mlincfed, carinjf.,.{and the \m gioes on)
-VP of the CSP Council 2002-
She w?H SHOUT and make sure that
YOUR VOICE is heard in SUS.
Vivian Pan Page Eight
8 October 2002
Of Birthdays and Einstein
Eggy Yuh
Getting Older
Remember when you were a kid and
birthdays were great? They meant
cake and presents and ice cream and
being the life of the party for one precious
afternoon. And then everyone went home
and you still got to wear the silly pointy
hat (which really, if you think about it,
resembles a dunce cap...) and you couldn't
wait for next year's birthday? So when
does it stop being such a great party? Usually I love birthdays, even without the
cake, ice cream, and even (sigh) presents.
I've become somewhat notorious for complex birthdays. Two years ago, I held a
scavenger hunt, plus trivia questions that
bordered on close to impossible to answer.
Last year I had a polaroid scavenger hunt,
asking participants questions about precious me and getting them to gather clues
that lead them to the restaurant where we
ended up having dinner. And this
year...well, this year, I didn't care. I waffled between wanting to have a huge house
party complete with raunchy theme
(naughty schoolgirls and dirty construction workers, part II? And yes, there was
indeed a part I a few months ago...), or
dinner and drinks with a small select
group of friends, or the increasingly enticing option of melding into the couch with
a stiff gin & tonic, Ben & Jerry's, and Bring
it On ("I'm sexy, I'm cute, I'm popular to
I blame society, actually. It's like you feel
obligated to make everything a big deal-
birthdays, weekends, Tuesday aftemoons-
when sometimes you just want to take a
nap. In the end, I buckled and combined
the best of both worlds. A small select
group of friends came over with buckets
and buckets of ice cream while I provided
sprinkles, chocolate sauce and whipped
cream. Sundaes galore, and now a freezer
full of ice cream goodness. Sucks to the lactose intolerance, but whatever.
So there you have it. I'm officially 22, and
it's kind of strange. 22 is not a real number,
exactly. Turning 20 was a milestone: a signal that I was fully out of my teen years.
And 21 was kind of cool, despite the fact
that this is Canada and we have a reasonable drinking age that no one abides by
anyway. 21 has a nice ring to it; it's a good
age to be. But 22-what's 22? It doesn't have
any sort of social, legal or even psychological significance. It's just this weird number
between 21 and 25 (next big milestone-=the
Dead Pool VII
Entry Sheet
day I turn 25 will be the worst day of my
life, aside from turning 30, then 40,
then...oh my god...). Even worse, it
cements the feeling of being an actual
twenty-something. I can't plead anymore
that I'm in my early twenties, even though
I still am; somehow this feels different.
Next thing you know, I'll be a strange
combination of Carrie from Sex and the
City, and Bridget Jones from...well, from
Bridget Jones. I already have the whole
abrupt writing style going on, rife with
rhetorical questions. All of a sudden, I'll be
40, single and living with cats who will eat
my face off when I die old and alone. (But
hey-if I turn out to be a Carrie-type, at least
I'll have great shoes.) I'll be that cougar in
college bars who dresses inappropriately
and tries to pick up idiotic kids as some
sort of pathetic clutching at lost youth. It
occurs to me that I'm older than roughly
60% of the people on campus, which is
kind of disappointing considering that
some of that 60% is pretty cute. So what
does that leave me with? My pick of the
still-single grad students? I'm pretty sure
that there's a reason they're still single.
And, the slower I want time to move
(whether for silly things like midterms and
school, or fun things like sunny days and
ice cream) the faster it goes. This brings me
to my theory of special relativity, but not
the Einstein kind. Ifs an explanation for
why it always seems to take so long to get
somewhere, but almost no time to get
home from said place. I had always
ascribed it to an excitement at getting
home, but that's not always true. Sometimes I dread going home, but it still seems
like a faster trip than going away from it.
The thing is, it's all about the relative
nature of time. For example: when you're
6, summer vacation is two months long but
seems endless. When you're 16, summer
vacation is still two months long but goes
by way too fast. Why? It isn't that you're
older and busier and up to no good, even
though that would seem to make sense.
Look-when you're 6, two months out of
your 72 months of existence is a pretty big
chunk of your life. But when you're 16 and
have been around for...um...l84 months,
it's proportionally less time and will therefore feel like less time. This works on
smaller scales as well, such as how the five
minute walk to a restaurant seems longer
than the five minute walk back to wherever you came from. If you follow this to its
logical conclusion, it's perfectly logical that
old people forget everything, given that
anything is insignificant compared to their
age. Special relativity. Makes complete
sense to me.
Dead Pool VII
Terrorism's Best Friend
Prince Claus von Amsberg, husband
of Queen Beatrix of the Netherlands,
died in hospital on Sunday, aged 76.
I don't believe anyone had this poor soul
on his list, however, so I don't think there
are any point winners yet. It is still early in
the competition, though. Hamid Karzai is
bound to be killed sooner or later. How
many attempts have there been? Two?
Anyway, it is never too late to get in. As
long as I receive your list before someone
on it dies, you can be in the competition.
Look to issue one for the rules, or send an
email to the432@hotmail.com.
Briefly, though, list fifteen people who you
think are likely to kick off before April 1.
Someone dies; you get the points. The
order in which you list your lucky
unlucky's matters. The first person on your
list is worth fifteen points when he or she
croaks. The second person is worth 14, and
so on. Whoever has the most points when
the contest closes will win two tickets to
Arts County Fair. Crappier prizes will be
given to second and third place.
Fill out the form on the left and drop it off
in SUS (LSK 202), or email your list to
And remember: don't fear the reaper.
(BIOSOC Presents.
L oca tion:
Friday, 0 ctober25
530-8:00 pm
And don'tfcrget
iour costumes..
Em ail     b±>SDC@ diaw ca 8 October 2002
Page Nine
Will They or Won't They
Johnny Melntyre
New Guy
Turning on a television of late has
meant listening to the war cries of
the Emperor of the free world, that
highly educated Texas redneck named
George. Georgy has been busy trying to
win the game of cops and robbers with
good friend of the family, uncle Saddam.
The Hussein family must really enjoy
being in the spotlight again, and this time
the younger George Bush is the man shining the light. And viola, Saddam is seen on
TV guffawing with his friends, kissing the
little kids; even Saddam's son, Uday, is
being mentioned on TV. The story between
the two families is the same old one, Saddam has the juice, Georgy wants it, he has
whined and complained about it to the
elders ( the UN ) and they haven't done
much about it, but Georgy is adamant that
he will get the juice no matter what. So he
comes up with this fool-proof idea: find
something that uncle Saddam won't do,
like open up his country to Georgy's
snooping weapons inspectors, and if he
doesn't give in to Georgy's tactics, then
Georgy and his good friend Tony ( not
Tony Soprano, the other Tony ) will go and
throw bricks at Saddam's house and country. That way, Georgy will get what ever
juice remains.
So most of the world probably wants
uncle Saddam to retire, they just don't
want to be seen as wanting that, at least
publicly. It is absurd to hold an M-16 to
Saddam's head and say gee you better
drop that Kalashnikov or else I will tell
your mummy about how bad you are...
and then 1 will beat you up. What happened to the grand stories from the past of
spies poisoning others to kill them? The
CIA should take a lesson from the Israeli
Mossad on how to knock out someone that
bothers them.
What is a wonder today is that the media
seems to go along with it all, and so too
does Congress, all in the name of this new
fangled threat called terrorism. It used to
be that if you talked a little too much about
public welfare and workers rights, you
were called a Commie Pinko and hunted
down by nuts like those great Americans:
Senator Joseph McCarthy and Henry
Kissinger. Kissinger is probably no worse
than Saddam or Slobo or Augusto; in fact,
Kissinger and his boys at the CIA were
responsible for unleashing Augusto onto
the people of Chile by killing a democratically elected leader named Salvador
Allende on September 11, 1973. They toppled his government as well, because
Kissinger thought that the people of Chile
were stupid enough to vote in a Socialist
party. Those stupid people in Chile, what
the hell do they know eh? Electing a socialist, when they could have been ruled by a
good guy like a military General, I mean,
the nerve of those silly children!
Me thinks the Congress is going along
with Georgy's game because they all want
to be re-elected again in November. You
see, after they are elected, they can lobby
the government to give their patrons ( and
election campaign donators ) like
Raytheon and whoever else a good deal on
weapons that will be needed to go after
uncle Saddam. And also, if they aren't
patriotic enough before the election they
will lose out all their privileges of being a
Congressman/woman for will have no
hope in hell of being elected again. I mean
who would want to give up screwing with
young college interns voluntarily? Which
brings me to the other President, the one
that was there before this current nut,
called William J Clinton. He was something else, he screwed with an intern, just
like the others, and he started a couple of
wars, and all that, but he was cool. When
he spoke, people listened. I wish he was
back in power, I think the world would
have been a different place. He was a lot
more interested in looking good for the
history text books, so he would have tried
some things in the Middle-East unlike the
current President.
The strong tradition of American democracy deems it necessary that the leaders of
the world who have something America
wants tow a line that Washington draws in
the sand. For if they don't, well, all of a
sudden they are terrorists,  harbouring
fugitives, killing their own citizens, and
just plain crazy. Then the sanctions will follow, and then the ballistic missiles, finally
followed by the 101 Airborne and the M-ls.
Could we be next on the list? We have the
same juice in Alberta, we have public
health care, and we don't always agree
with the Emperor; our Prime Minister better be careful not to incur the wrath of the
Emperor. This may seem like an over-statement but, the fact that Canada has ( for
now at least ) stood up to the clown in
Washington does put us on the world stage
once more, although not as prominently as
our good friend Gerhard of Deutschland.
He's on record saying that he will take no
part in this war against Saddam, and his
former justice minister Herta Daeubler-
Gmelin went a step further and compared
Georgy to Hitler. But then again Gerhard
was probably saying all that because he
was in an election campaign as well, and
he won by the seat of his pants...
At any rate, taking a stance such as that of
Mrs Daeubler-Gmelin is going a bit too far,
after all, Hitler did kill a lot of people and
did start a war. Georgy's actions could start
a war and will likely kill a lot of people, but
don't hold your breath and hope that he
will be tried for war crimes like Slobo is,
Georgy and his government refuse to
recognise the ICC because as they put it,
innocent Americans will be tried for crimes
against humanity, I am guessing innocent
ones like Kissinger.
So, here's what I think one should do in
order not to incur the wrath of the Emperor of the free world: don't think of getting
rich through crude oil or any other
resource, don't think about trying to create
nuclear weapon unless Georgy likes you at
the time ( translation, he needs you services ), don't think of arguing with the
Emperor's regime, don't think of doing
anything that pisses the Emperor off; in
short, don't think, or else the Empire will
strike and you shall be dealt with, because
you may pose a threat to them by just
thinking. If you beg to differ, you might be
a terrorist, as simple as that, and we all
know what happens to them right? They
are given a free vacation to Cuba.
So  now boys  and  girls,  you've been
warned about Emperor George, don't try
and piss his people off okay? Oh yeah, wait
for the Emperor to try on his new clothes
this fall... but don't try and be the little boy
who pointed out that the Emperor wasn't
wearing anything or you shall be dealt
with. Also, for those of you in the business
of shedding tears at anniversaries, on next
September 11, do shed a tear or two for Dr.
Salvador Allende, for he was killed on September 11th too, only 28 years before September 11, 2001.
A glossary of sorts:
Georgy: President George Walker Bush,
President of the United States of America
uncle Saddam: President Saddam Hussein, President of the Republic of Iraq
Emperor: same as Georgy for now.
Slobo: Slobodan Milosevic, Former President of the Federal Republic of Yugoslavia,
accused of crimes against humanity.
Augusto: General Augusto Pinochet, former "leader" of Chile, an Army General by
trade, and accused of crimes against
Gerhard: Chancellor Gerhard Schroeder
of Germany
Deutschland: Germany
CIA: Central Intelligence Agency, a United States security agency
Mossad: Israeli security Agency, like the
CIA of the United States
Commie Pinko: Ask Senator McCarthy or
any other American [aka Canadian -ed.]
ICC: International Criminal Court ( a permanent United Nations court set up to
tackle crimes against humanity)
M-l: American Main Battle Tank like the
Russian T-90
101 Airborne: US Army Airborne division i
M-16: Assault rifle that can fire 650-700
rounds per minute, 5.56mm calibre. US
Army standard issue
Kalashnikov: Assault rifle that can fire
600-650 rounds per minute; 7.62mm calibre. Most famous of the lot are the AK 47s,
74s and so on, standard issue with a lot of
militaries, obviously from Russia. Created
by Mikhail Timofeevich Kalashnikov.
Google Never Forgets
Gillian Gunson
$200 Winner
Many of us, at one time or another
and out of sheer boredom, have
sat at a computer and typed our
own name into an Internet search engine.
We may have also run searches on our parents, our friends, even people we don't like
(especially people we don't like). We do
this, if only because ergonomic computer
chairs are built so that getting out of them
requires much more effort overall than
does remaining in them for umpteen hours
playing minesweeper.
In any case, I have been known to look
people up online from time to time,
although most of the hits include their
names on class lists and long-abandoned
homepages from the mid-1990s. It recently
came to my attention, however, that I was
searching the wrong way.
Go to the Google website (google.ca).
Click on the "Groups" tab. Here you have
a decade's worth of newsgroup messages
miraculously preserved for your embarrassment.
This was all pointed out to me by a friend,
who had, after first meeting me, looked up
my dirt in such a manner. After being
informed of this, I informed him that I didn't believe his "nothing much" answer on
his search results.
I looked myself up. Oh, what have I done:
"Need a penpal? Life's fun over here too,
in Vancouver, Canada. Out here in the
Pacific Northwest we're all having one big
group orgy, so if you wanna join, gimme a
"Sorry, don't know your friend. I'm probably weirder than her, because nobody is
weirder or hornier than me!"
Now, these quotes are from messages I
wrote on or around March 1993. I was 15
years old, and using the now-defunct
EDNET bulletin board that Vancouver
School Board set up back in the good old
days of BBSs^
EDNET banned me from the system, I
recall, within days of my membership.
From reading these messages, I can see
why. Actually, like many people, I got
booted off for swearing. EDNET had a no-
cussing, no-nothing policy. Back in the day
when they thought that the Internet could
be controlled. Ha!
Anyway, after reading these messages, I
had these thoughts:
1. How I could have written such things,
not thinking about whether they were
appropriate for a public newsgroup,
2. How I could have written such things,
not thinking how they might haunt me
later in life, and
3. How in 9 years I really haven't changed
all that much.
As far as I can remember, we weren't all
having a mass orgy of the Vancouver-
Washington-Oregon region back in 1993,
but I'm sure for some people it was a lot of
fun. And though I don't think now that I'm
all that weird compared to the average person (though this article may dispute that),
I have and probably always will be
"horny". Though now I have better reason
to than I did at 15, if only because I'm less
confused about why.
As for how things have changed since
1993, here's another quotation from my
"...where I live can hardly be called suburban but it is, but I'm sure it won't be in 10
I was living in the Oakridge area of Vancouver at the time. As for what a decade
has done to Oakridge, it's still as
urban/suburban/whatever as it ever was. 9
years really isn't all that long. Boy, do I feel
On the other hand, 9 years ago I'd look
really odd sitting here typing this article,
as until 1995 my quad at Thunderbird was
a parking lot. Boy, would I look silly in my
dressing gown, unable to extricate myself
from my ergonomic chair and move so that
someone might park between my dresser
drawers and mini-fridge.
In any case, if you do find yourself bored
at a computer (any more than usual, that
is) go ahead and look somebody up. I even
managed to discover that one of my profs
from last term was once a Deadhead; but
too late to reap the benefits of blackmail.
Waste no time, my friends. Waste no time.
You're a blithering idiot who wouldn't know a clue if it appeared on your screen in a GUI
Interface with a button labelled Tm a clue - click here to acquire me."
- Seth Finkelstein Page Ten
8 October 2002
News from Japan
Jo Krack
In a Strange Land
Foreign Correspondent Jo Krack signing in from Osaka, Japan! I'm afraid
my insight into Japanese culture is
not quite developed yet, seeing as how I've
only been here for just under a week so far.
Even so, this is quite the funky place. I
think I'm already experiencing culture
shock. Of course it could just be that I am
both living on my own (rather than just
travelling, which I'm more used to) and
experiencing Life With A Roommate for
the first time. Throw in my lack of cooking
skills, and my newfound illiteracy, and
you've got a recipe for either disaster, or at
the very least the grand potential for misunderstandings!
There are a few other foreign students
here. OK, actually just two more. One I'm
living with, the other lives next door.
Thank God I'm not living with the other
Canadian girl: she's a hardcore Christian
and quite judgmental about people like me
who actually enjoy and seek out sex. She's
only met me twice and I think she's already
shocked that I have actually had sex AND
consumed alcohol. Straight-edge, that one!
Luckily my roommate is much more open-
minded so I think the two of us will have a
lot of fun together.
Anyway. That was just to set the scene. I'm
sure you're much more interested in the
Japanese people around me!! Well, I've
only been to one class so far, and I managed to look lost and helpless enough to
convince one of my classmates to come
home with me and help me make sushi
rice. UBC students: be nice to the exchange
students! It is so lonely when you don't
speak the language and no one talks to
you. At least at UBC there's a huge foreign
student population though... much better
than the 3 foreigners here!
Anyway, after helping us make dinner,
my new Japanese friend (Kayo) offered to
take my roommate and I to Namba (a
funky part of downtown Osaka) the next
day. We were really psyched, and with
good reason: it was tons of fun! We met her
at a train station and took an expensive
train to Namba. Imagine paying six or
seven bucks to ride the Skytrain for four or
five stops! And that's one-way. We've
learned that travelling anywhere in Japan
is expensive with a capital E.
But Namba was tons of fun. We spent
hours inside a mall (weird, yet fun). We
found a market in the basement that had
SO much yummy stuff!! There were tons of
samples, so my roommate and I basically
scored a free lunch. Then we found a stationery store so I could overdose on cute
animated notepaper. Finally we ventured
There's some store of competition for the
most interesting sign, so we saw a giant
mechanical crab and a huge blowfish! We
even saw a homeless man with a bunch of
dogs, including some newborn puppies.
The funny thing was that there was another man helping the homeless man beg for
change: he would announce things to
passersby and many people gave some
change. We also saw a few makeshift amateur bands performing their hits right on
the street. Sort of like busking but to sell
CDs. One guy was hilarious: wearing a
military uniform and a helmet with a
mohawk glued to it! We took pictures of
Then we passed by a talent show, and the
organizers asked if we wanted to help
judge. We decided to go for it, and soon
realized we should have just run away! It
was more like a no-talent show, and everyone who participated got a t-shirt so it
wasn't much of a contest at all! First there
was an old guy who danced with a fan for
about 10 minutes (seemed like half an hour
at least!), then four guys who sang songs
about sumo, and then a guy who came out
in a WWII uniform and yelled at us
through a microphone for awhile. Finally, a
guy told a story about the evils of smoking,
nicely illustrated with big picture-cards.
All we had to do, along with the other
judges, was to toss a ball into a box after
the performance if we liked it! Rather boring, and kind of strange! When we
escaped, they first made us answer some
questions in Japanese. Perhaps we'll be on
The other strange thing about Japan is all
the dyed hair. Yes, I know, I've seen it at
UBC too, but here it's as if some sort of law
has been passed and everyone in dutifully
following it. The Japanese like to do things
in groups, but this is ridiculous! I've seen a
granny with orange hair, and what's much
more disturbing, a three-year old girl with
peroxide-blonde hair! I mean, aren't kids'
heads rather soft and permeable at that
age? Seems rather dangerous to use all
those heavy-duty chemicals on it! I would
not be surprised if the Japanese discover
that in the next few decades, cases of cancer dramatically increase. Or at the very
least, this will be a nation of Very Damaged
And of course, what tale of Japan would
be complete without a few examples of
weird English? I've seen words that aren't
words and sentences that aren't sentences,
but the stuff that sort of makes sense is
more fun. For example, there's a store
called WonderGOO. Haven't been in there
yet... And on a minivan, I saw a bumper
sticker that read "Yes! We are FREAKS!"
Kind of cute to think of a mom driving her
kids to school in that... Oh, and you can
also buy God coffee here. Somewhat sacri- _
legious to be drinking God, but hey, when
in Rome...
No news yet on whether or not I can
expect to get any action in this land of
everyone-wants-someone-Japanese. Last
night a bunch of young Japanese guys in a
car drove by and complimented me with
"Oneeesan!" which basically means "older
sister" and is an inoffensive pickup
line/catcall. The funny thing was that traffic was moving rather slow, so I kept catching up to the car, at which point the embarrassed boys had to decide whether to say a
little more, wave, or roll up the tinted windows and hide (they finally seemed to
decide on a variety of all three!).
Well, I have to go now, so until next time,
A Long Perilous Exploration Into
The Depths of My Soul and the
Inexhaustible Cruelty Others Place
on Aberrance in Our Society
one bad burrito and its consequences
into storage somewhere. And I stopped
Graeme Kennedy
Lord of Verbose Titles
It came on me suddenly
Now, granted, I should have suspected
something was up. I had a rough sleep the
night before, mostly due to stomach ache.
But this is normal for me when I eat right
before going to bed; normal for most people, I think. And when I woke up with an
aching stomach, I just figured I was hungry-
So when a wave of nausea overwhelmed
me on the shop floor, it was quite a surprise. In fact, I didn't recognize it for what
it was. It's been so long since I've been sick.
And I mean a long time.
And yet, this incident drew me backward
to the past, into a humble reintroduction of
what it's like to be naive and dependent. A
journey back to the demanding, uncertain,
era in everybody's life, where illness is the
arbitrary and cruel imposition from an
unjust world, and the lives of loved ones
must revolve around our needs and complaints. And sometimes this happens, and
sometimes... sometimes we're told that our
situation is not their problem right now,
that we should deal with it ourselves. The
world does not stop for sniffles.
Not a Merry Christmas
My friends bitterly resent my health
record. I haven't had an infectious disease,
such as flu or cold, since I was eight years
old. I don't have an explanation for this:
genetics, I guess. But apparently when I
get sick, I really get sick. And pictures attest
to this.
There's this picture of Christmas when I
was eight. I got a lego truck as a gift, and
spent the morning building it. When it
came time to pose for pictures with the
family, I brought my truck along, started to
say 'cheese', but suddenly felt something
terribly wrong with my insides. The resulting photo was horrifying, and I don't envy
the London Drugs clerk who had to proof
that one.
To this day, I can't build lego trucks. Now,
that was definitely the flu. I was out for
days. I sat on the couch downstairs, with a
bucket, trying to keep soup down. Eventually, I woke up and wanted Kraft Dinner.
So, to this day, I love eating KD while
watching Star Trek reruns. Original series,
for extra campiness.
The other thing about this episode was my
companion, Bunky. Bunky is a stuffed
monkey, and one of the ugliest stuffed toys
you'll ever see. But the majority of this toy
is rubber, and mom felt he was an easier
wipe in case things went horribly wrong,
which they did.
Now, like all childhood memories, even
some traumatic ones, this brief period of
discomfort faded away, and Bunky went
eating KD years ago, progressing to more
sophisticated foods. All this illusion of
maturity ended when I ejected stomach
contents in front of my workmates, and
made the poor judgement of trying to
drive back home before the second act.
The thing about food poisoning - and this
was definitely food poisoning - is that the
nausea can come in waves, because the
bowels have to back up maybe two meals
worth, and this comes in stages. This
deception leads to the dangerous situation
where one makes commitments while feeling fine that are utterly unfulfillable
moments later when suddenly overwhelmed by abdominal spasms. Not
always a jam, if you're located near a
privvy, but I was driving down Boundary
at the time.
Any port in a storm, they say, and I figured that nobody would mind too much if
I used their lawn. Nevertheless, the
absolute spectacle was going to be hard to
avoid, so I made some quick judgements: I
picked a yard that had high bushes so the
occupants couldn't see, and, for the sake of
passersby, I pretended to be sitting on the
sidewalk, waiting for a pickup. Passersby
were not fooled, though.
Well, that's not exactly true. Passersby
were suspicious. Pretty much without
exception, they stopped in their tracks on
the sidewalk, no closer than twenty feet
away, and examined me cautiously. But not
obviously. They hid their inspection by
finding some excuse to stop: examining a
heel, looking at their watch, fussing with
an umbrella... something they thought
would convince me that they weren't actually evaluating my mental condition, laying there on the side of the pavement as I
was. Then, again without exception, they
would cross the road and proceed past me
six lanes of traffic away. And cross back
again later. So much for the Good Samari-
Finding solace in Storage
I did make it home, finally, with one more
incident outside my apartment, probably
in front of my neighbours, who will never
invite me to barbeques I guess. Frankly, at
this point, I wasn't interested in subterfuge; I just didn't give a shit about
appearances anymore and anyway, I reasoned, who's to know it wasn't a dog that
left that there? I crawled into bed with an
empty ice cream pail and slept for about
twelve hours. I still felt like crap when I
woke up and told work not to expect me
for a few more days.
Sometime during my convalescence, I
shuffled downstairs into storage and
pulled an old friend out of retirement. The
next day, I felt well enough to walk around
and do some shopping, and Bunky and I
settled in for a marathon of Star Trek DVDs
and KD.
Little Known UBC Factoid #7:
Out of toilet paper? There's free single-ply scattered throughout
UBC. Just go for a quick walk and come back with a few issues
of the Underground, and make sure you bring a good novel to
read. 8 October 2002
Page Eleven
The Drawers of SUS  Apathy Horoscope
Kristin Lyons
Director of Sports
Hey All. Well, leagues have gotten
going, and the first intramural
events have started. I would like to
send out a special congratulations to the
science broom ball team that one the
broomball championships-way to go BOB!
As for upcoming events, innertube water-
polo registration closes Friday, October 11,
while Day of the Longboat registration
closes Wednesday, October 16. There are
sign up sheets available for both of these
teams in the science undergraduate society
office as well as on the web at www.lega-
cygames.ubc.ca. The Gladiator Team Challenge is also coming up with its registration closing Tuesday, October 29. All intramural registrations should be handed in to
the SRC by 5pm on the last day of registration.
As for rebates, the science term 1 rebate
deadline will be Friday, November 22 at
5pm. To receive your rebates, hand in your
team roster, your intramural receipt, and
the name, phone number, and email
address of the person I am to write the
rebate to. Remember, to get your rebates,
you do have to be classified as a science
team-not as a club or any other unit. Good
luck with all your sports endeavors, until
next time!
b  Albert Chen
Chris Zappavigna
Hello, from your friendly Science
Senator. Midterm season is
approaching us, and I hope all of
you are studying feverishly for your
exams. I'm sure all of you will do fine on
your exams and keep up in all your other
Yeah, right.
As for senate, a number of interesting
issues were raised at the last meeting. First,
as I am sure many of you know, on Oct. 7th
the Queen visited our campus. More
importantly, however, she also dropped
the puck at a Vancouver Canucks game.
Sameer Wahid
Public Relations
Well, this is my first Exec report,
ever! Guess I probably should
report on a few things now that
we are one month into the school year!
SUS Events
The First Year BBQ on Sept. 11th raised
$200 for the 9/11 Neediest Fund, and was a
great event for all. Also, SUS held an Open
House on Sept. 26th, and i hope that you
all came by for doughnuts and coffee. If
you missed it, there will be another Open
House early in first term.
Also, nominations for the Faculty of Science Killam Teaching Awards are due this
Friday. If you know an outstanding teacher
that you would like to recognize, please e-
mail me at:
Winning teachers will receive an award at
Grad Events
The Grad Class Council (which decided
the graduating class gift on behalf of all
faculties) will be meeting sometime this
month. If you have any questions about
Grad Class Council or grad events, please
e-mail me at wahid@interchange.ubc.ca
and I will try to answer your question or
put you in touch with someone who can.
Personal Stuff
You've probably read my tirade on our
lovely Premier earlier in the paper. So, I
won't talk about that any more. However, I
will discuss one more thing. To the people
who can't follow elections guidelines, and
especially to those who complain about the
elections administrators - #$<§>#$*%!
If you think my copy-editting sucks,
come out and help on the next issue of
the 432. Drop me a line at
the432@hotmail.com. New Editors
and Helpers are always wanted.
Dawson and Georox clubs present
Earth Science Careers Fair
Get A Job On Planet Earth
Many o pportunites: mineral and petroleum exploration, hydtogeology /
hydrology, ocEanographers, geologists, geophysidsts, meteorologists,
climate change and polliton impact assessment, natural hazaitJ
assessment and pneaentjon.educafon, geological engineering
(geotechnical, environmental, mining), software developers, research
and Held work in numerous fields and cSsdplines (in many unusual and
exotic locations) and MANY MANY MORE!!!!!!!
Visitors from various industries and
government organizations including our
own profs and program advisors
Come and explore your options for a
fulfilling exciting career AND eat
Tuesday October 22nd in EOS Main.
12:30 - 2:30pm. Pizza at 1pm.
Earth and Ocean Sciences   i
..^^■■^^■i^^sy^ -lNjS^.
For more information and how to find us: www.eos.ubc.ca/careersfair
Doesn't Give a Damn
V    Aries
March 21 to April 20
Chances are people will try to give you
career-oriented advice within the next two
weeks. Be aware, though they might sound
as if they know what the hell they are talking about, the truth of the matter is, they
don't. Trust me, I've had people telling me
that selling door to door is the best way to
sell doors (I ain't jokin'.) (He ain't got good
grammar, neither. -Fiend)
~y    Taurus
April 21 to May 21
A few days from now a flying pig will
come to your room, hide itself in your closet, and eat your homework when it's done.
Sure, explain that to your TA.
31    Gemini
May 22 to June 21
You will choke on a piece of carbohydrate-
based material, much like our southern
neighbor Dubya. Your pet will try to rescue
you. Wait, what if you have no pet, or if
your pet simultaneously drops dead right
at that moment...well, good luck, I guess.
25    Cancer
June 22 to July 22
The only advice I can give you this week is
what my grandfather kept on telling me
before he croaked: get a job!
<Q    Leo
July 23 to August 23
Try to get plenty of rest this month, for it's
an action-pack month. (It was a raw-pack
weekend for me, but let's not talk about canning pears. -Fiend) Honestly, I don't know
what kind of action you shall get, and I
shall not use my psychic energy to specify
what I meant...what? You want more evidence? Hey, I work for free!
lfl>    Virgo
August 24 to September 23
I can't believe this, but your lucky drink
this week shall be the Virgin Mary! It's
basically a Bloody Mary minus the alcohol... wait, wouldn't that be just a blob of
tomato paste mixed with Tabasco sauce?
Well, it's a simple concept, but not an easy
concept to swallow.
£    Libra
September 24 to October 23
Learn something new; try something fun.
Don't regret what you've said and try to
look at life in a fresh perspective. And
don't you dare use stupid cliches - do you
know how seldom I use them? Geez, they
would totally, like, drop your IQ by 20
points, ya know...there, the best advice
since sliced bread!
IH,    Scorpio
October 23 to November 22
You shall dedicate your energy to be an
animal rights advocate for a flock of ugly
peacocks, only to find out they have really
bad luck. Before you eventually find out
their evil scheme, however, they shall trade
you for a case of beer.
#    Sagittarius
November 23 to December 21
In the past you've always taken pride in
the fact that you've partied really hard.
Now that theory shall be tested, for you
will party like you've never partied before!
Just imagine, drinking beer out of leather
boots, throwing up while smooth-talking
to chicks, and doing the bunny dance
while getting your tongue pierced...pretty
cool, eh?
y)o    Capricorn
December 22 to January 20
The only thing that you can do well this
month shall be dry-cleaning your underwear. Sorry, that's all I can say before!
charge you $40/hr for this consultation session. (I used to work for Ms. Cleo...hard to
tell, eh?)
22    Aquarius
January 21 to February 19
Don't even think about giving money to
the usual charities. Try something new this
month. How about the "Saving Dolphin's
Privates Foundation" or "Sexed Up Teddy
Bear Drive"? C'mon, everyone else is doing
it. Don't you want to be KooKtm) by doing
what everyone else is doing?
K    Pisces
February 20 to March 20
This month you shall try to concentrate
your efforts on inhaling helium from children's balloons instead of your usual staples, such as pot and cocaine. Sure, nice
change of pace I suppose, just don't sound
too nasal when you get... high.
Dnn'l know uhal lo do lor \our future?
I low iiboul. making people smile?
'I lie I'll  Dciiuil Sin u-i\ i« .i t;icmI u.iv lui siiiriunls
In lciimli.il i/i" llu'iiitclwo ^ till llu [MoksMOii.
Oct 10 - I IH.AiJiniiojuiLui i'Aivm I7n
Oct J7-UArtutnii.il I
o. LL»'I    DM rulKii.il II
On -!'■   ni.xkDM
All tm-( inu is on llnit'>d;n  l_'|>m.'    1 pm
at Wi >,l>n>i>k mi _'ul oxi i |>i ()ci luih.
DAI M'MHiucs art: riiailahlc for 1-Rt.K Id .ill imiulx-rs!
Looking foi *i mjIhI loiiiui.ilion tin join jiuinu-i Itm-iril ilniMstry
l.ouk in) fuillici, ilie Pir-Driil.il Suumy j> hen in lnl[>!
Cwnc Lo our office in SL'H 71
or£in<ul tis .ii 111>< |>ir<K m.il •' \.iIi<mi.(oul. Page Twelve
8 October 2002
An Incomplete Glossary
of the University Experience
Frank Yang
It was roughly one year ago that I, then
a wide eyed and more or less emotionally stable first year (perhaps not much
unlike yourselves), initially decided to
write for the fine publication you now hold
before you. At the time, I had just begun to
take my first tentative steps toward the
cloudy quagmire of higher education that
laid ahead. I still had the security blanket
of ignorance about me then. But, to borrow
an anecdote from a hiker friend, it was not
long before I stepped on something rotten
and had that blanket blown away—by a
gust of hypocrisy carrying the scent of a
thousand year old mummy fart.
I would have many more mummy farts
blown in my direction before the year was
through. And now that I have returned for
seconds, can I truly say the experience has
been worth it? To that question, I answer
with a hearty "Yes!". For were it otherwise,
what little semblance of emotional stability
I still possess will surely escape me like the
fitting simile that I presently lack.
Which brings me to the aim of this glossary of terms. I am among the first to say
this fine university should have its fair
share of excellence. My intention is to give
you the opportunity to recognize the dark
clouds early, so you may sooner begin to
see for yourselves the silver lining which
you have yet to discover. Besides, some of
the following terms you may already be
familiar with, like recognition of the uncle
at a family gathering who always ate too
much, broke wind too loudly and told
jokes so crude they could make a hardened
criminal cringe. Well, you are in a bigger
family now. Let the good times roll.
Academic Freedom: The open tolerance
of all inferior points of view voiced by students during course discussions.
Alumni: Certain persons once enrolled in
the university whom, with their superior
intellect and work ethic, have managed to
evade any further economic burden stemming from their education.
Apathy: The result of physical and mental
behaviour in accordance with the general
principle, "A motionless body will remain
motionless unless alcohol and/or chocolate
bars are included as an incentive for the
completion of any referendum ballot."
Arcade, the: A truly pointless place of
congregation where certain students spend
the majority of their time and available
money acquiring difficult to master but
commercially worthless skills through
endless repetition, often with the sole purpose of surpassing their peers and coming
out on top of the game.
Especially, Dance Dance Revolution
Bzzr: An over the counter liquid antidepressant freely available to students under
traumatic stress. Often mistaken for
"Beer," a banned narcotic substance of
which advertisement on campus grounds
is punishable by death. See also Cyder.
Campus: A place of higher education with
different centres of gravity depending on
one's social and intellectual upbringing.
Despite this, the campus proper is one of
the few remaining locations of urban activity where the government appointed task
of segregating minority peoples remains
largely unfinished.
Careerist: (Archaic) Practicing lecturer or
professor of any upstanding university.
Careerists are the living embodiment of
capitalist virtues and the very epitome of a
successful educator.
Class Average: Percentile value between
63% and 69% assigned to a particular
exam. Used as a point of reference for students to gauge their performance as compared to their peers. See also Mark Scaling
Coffee: Common beverage of distilled
wakefulness. Praised for its ability to convert hours otherwise, spent resting into
periods of industrious activity. See also
Daylight Savings.
Computer: A complex apparatus of exuberant price designed to break down when
one attempts to access vital academic
information stored in itself or on a network
of similar devices.
Date Rape: A form of sexual misconduct
carried out in the past by certain social
deviants, of which the greater academic
ramifications were minimal. Occurrences
of date rape, along with sexual discrimination and campus violence have all been
fully eradicated and warrant discussion
only in passing.
See also Golden Gate for Sale.
Deadline: The day of commencement for
any given assignment. See also Extension.
Denial: The psychological stage most
often associated with the time between
periods of "enthusiasm" to the "disillusionment" or "purgatory" phase of academic life. The time a student dwells in this
stage varies from several weeks to more
than half a decade following first commencing studies at the university.
Discrimination: The inability to divide
one's misgivings equally among all concerned parties.
Dissertation: A lengthy and meticulously
crafted essay used by course instructors as
evidence of one's ineptitude. See also Thesis.
Dye: The practice of radically altering the
color of one's hair. A hallmark of many
Asian youth activists and their ongoing
effort to counter the common discrimination against the intellectual capacity of
Extension: Period of time allotted by the
instructor for the completion of an academic essay or research project, often wholly
unreasonable due to the instructor's own
lack of understanding for the average
undergraduate's time management abilities.
Fart: A public declaration of one's presence. The modern day pub equivalent to
the "I sing" performative of ancient poets.
See also Introduction.
Fraternity/Sorority: The alteration of
one's personal identity from a specific
number of eight or fourteen digits to a specific set of two or three Greek letters.
Grade Point Average: The measure of a
student's academic performance, intelligence quotient, emotional quotient, adaptability, character, moral integrity, leadership/teamwork skills, creativity, sensitivity
to stimuli, hand eye coordination,
endurance, sanity and general career
potential, among other things.
Indulgence: Any device whereby the user
may secure a temporary release from purgatory. See also Denial
Insomnia: The delicate state of mental
equilibrium between insanity and critical
cerebral failure or "brain death". Signs of
Insomnia are most prominent in students
from 9 pm to 8 pm on any given weekday.
International Student: Either a potential
terrorist, or what is known in administrative circles as a "cash cow". The probability of such a student remaining on campus
depends primarily on whether or not the
former takes precedence over the latter.
Kafkaesque: The condition of any poorly
ventilated washroom as described by an
aspiring English major. See also Camus-
esque, Thoreauesque, Alcottesque, Emer-
sonesque, Faulkneresque, Hemming-
wayesque et al.
Lecture Hall: Stage for the highly competitive performance art of customized mobile
phone ring tones.
Marijuana: A source of constant joy and
entertainment for the chemically inclined
due to its capability of offering a milder,
smoother alternative to nicotine.
Mark Scaling: A mathematical process
designed to throw off all previous assumptions of the student's own performance,
creating dramatic suspense and rampant
speculation before the conclusion of every
biannual season.
Mediocre: Common name given to students with extensive knowledge in the
field of popular media. The word itself
stems from Mediocrates, the most well
known pseudonym of Anon, a famous
Greek scholar of esoteric knowledge and
historical forerunner of the contemporary
movie trivia enthusiast.
Midterm: The halfway point in the mental
thought process of a student coming to
terms with imminent failure.
Part Time Job: Temporary employment
for the sake of repaying one's student loans
and textbook expenses; as opposed to permanent employment for the sake of repaying one's bank loans and living expenses.
Phat: A reflexive defence invoked often by
male students when they inadvertently
allow their own vanities to take precedence over those of their significant other.
Plagiarize: To revitalize the writings of
forgotten authors whose past works have
become neglected through obscurity.
Review: That which was not done, shall
remain undone. See also Homework
Rote: The correct understanding of a previously taught concept. Past tense of
Satire: A crude form of expression on par
with the "pamphlet bombs" of the second
world war. This practice is typical of sever
al campus dissident groups lacking the
lobbying experience and political efficiency of well funded student governing bodies such as the Alma Mater Society, and the
Canadian Alliance of Student Associations.
Fortunately, the harmful effects of satire
can be easily avoided by a rigid personal
adherence to the soothing mantra, "Ignorance is Strength". See also Student Politics.
School Spirit: A freely distributed intoxicant for those unable to afford the more
expensive "alcoholic spirit". See also Bzzr
Scientific Calculator: A device required
in calculations of complex arithmetic operations typically found on the final examination of science related classes. Frequently banned due to their inclination for turning said examination into a test of the student's understanding of course materials
instead of an assessment of their dexterity
and multitasking abilities.
Social Activism: A popular hobby of the
20something undergraduate.
Social Intercourse: An interaction
between two or more persons carried out
in the upright position. Care must be taken
between participants to prevent the spread
of dangerously infectious ideas. This is
usually remedied by using protective censorship and only performing safe dialogue.
Statistics: The study of how any set of naturally generated numbers will fit on a bell
Student Politics: A faithful miniaturized
reproduction of provincial politics, with its
economic policies and operational procedures accurate down to the smallest detail.
Teaching Assistant: Post undergraduate
sufferer of Stockholm syndrome.
Thesis: A foregone conclusion that is nevertheless argued for the sake of convention. Often bluntly stated and lacking all
the persuasive subtleties of a well written
Tuition Freeze: Nonsensical but popular
urban myth since thoroughly dismissed by
the Liberal Government.
Underground, the: A place of mythical
reputation comparable to the elephant's
graveyard. It has long been speculated that
The Underground is the place where bad
jokes go to die.
Ulcer: The desperate cry of attention from
one's stomach to cease further dining at
McDonald's and instead begin a rigorous
regiment of the Subway diet.
Ubyssey, the: A student funded newspaper for the promotion of equal opportunity
by offering politically biased opinions on a
diverse range of campus related topics.
Verbosity: The superfluous introduction
of unnecessary linguistic complexities
within one's own vocabulary to reinforce
extrapolations toward a facade of erudition. Such occurrences of tautological repetition are commonplace to all manner of
university publications. See also University Writing.
Well, this ends the first installment of "An
Incomplete Glossary of the University
Experience". Will there be any more terms
and definitions in upcoming issues? Who
knows, ask me in a year's time.
Write for us. Please.
The Next Deadline is October 16 at 4:32pm.


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