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The 432 Nov 29, 2005

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29th November 2005
nilllll ililiiilllllllilHiiJl™
'Flipper would make a great tuna sandwich/
■Don Colangelo
Huge Stid<y Ball Assualts
Campus, One Dead Four Injured
Campus Suing for Emotional Damage and Lost Wages
Vancouver, AP
One undergraduate student at the University of
British   Columbia   died   and   three   more   were
injured in a vicious attack by what appears to be a
lumpy ball.
Fellow students mourned the loss of Korinna Fehrmann,
a third year microbiology and immunology student on
Monday morning in the Science Undergraduate Society
lounge, where a large stack of her favourite newspaper,
The 432, was rolled into a large sphere and then burned.
(Old issues only, of course.)
Flags around the Point Grey campus were flown at half-
mast on Sunday, though some students suspect that the
real reason was the destruction of the Buchanan Tower by
the hands of the large ball.
The sphere was seen last Saturday night rampaging
through campus. Propelled by two small humanoids of no
more than three inches tall, the ball affixed anything less
than 50 percent of its current size to its surface. The mechanism by which animate and inanimate objects alike were
adhered to the ball is under investigation by the UBC
Physics department.
It took until nearly 11 p.m. to unravel the ball and restore
order to campus. Property that was uprooted but was not
able to be placed in its original locations are donated to the
reconstruction of the Main Library.
Brad Pyke, on duty as a Campus Security personnel at the
time of the incident, counted approximately 50 squirrels
adhered to the surface of the sphere. "Their tails were still
twitching," he said.
The two ball-drivers were arrested without struggle..
The one who stood consistently on the right was dressed
in olive green, and was crowned with a giraffe. The other
had a full-body suit in the colours of a cow, and referred to
the other as "the Prince."
A spokesperson from UBC said that they have long
advised students to be more cautious on campus. "That's
what you get for riding transit at that time of the night," he
told The 432 on Monday.
Ken Chung, Martin Lopatka, Kyle Wall, and Derrek
Wood suffered minor injuries and were released early
Sunday morning from the UBC hospital.
"This shouldn't have happened to me," Panian said. "I
should have graduated last year!"
"We just saw this ball-thing approaching from our right,"
said Lopatka, whose bus was entering the War Memorial
Loop when the wad of destruction struck campus. "Then
the bus, like, flipped over and stuff. We were so scared.
The driver, like, freaked out so bad we thought he was
going to kill us. We just kept saying, like, 'we didn't do
anything,' you know."
Negotiations between the King of All Cosmos and the
President of the Science Undergraduate Society are under
way to hold the Piper residence ransom with the devastating ball in order to fund the completion of the Science
Social Space.
The SSS was originally slated to be completed by mid-
2005. Construction still has not begun due to financial disputes. Patricia Lau, sees this as the perfect opportunity to
gain some ground in the negotiations. "Something good
may come of this yet," she said.
Perpetrator apprehended and led from the scene of the crime
The mangled body of a young Asian woman was
found early Sunday morning by the Rose Garden
in the Vancouver Campus of the University of
British Columbia.
Her identity is not yet released.
Found not far from her body was what appears to be the
murder weapon - a segment of root-like material carved
into a perfect cube.
"She was bludgeoned by the cube root," said Vancouver
police media spokesperson Const. Sarah Bloor.
The police say that both the perpetrators and motivation
are clear - the Science Mafia has left them a bold note.
The police say that the motivation is clear - the Science
Mafia has left them a bold note.
"They're out to kill for pleasure. The message was very
simple and clear," said Vancouver police media
spokesperson Const. Sarah Bloor. She also says that
they are out to recruit more. "They need to kill as many
as they can before April 7th, 2006, so they will need a lot
of extra assassins."
Her counter-measures are to recruit just as many to be
student detectives in order to hunt down and eradicate
the Mafia. The UBC Hospital also announced plans to
provide training and equipment for certain students if
they wish to better protect themselves and those around
According to Bloor, the note mentions that the recruitment period will end on the 27th of January, 2006, and
that there will be exactly one more act of murder "in cold
blood" before then. Students are advised to pay extra
attention when traversing the campus after nightfall.
Anyone with any information regarding the attacks is
encouraged to contact the Mafia Squad.
already told you - none of
■ smrt i i ] si T*- Page Two
29th November 2005
Volume Nineteen
Issue Six
29 November 2005
Red Giants
Colleen Atherton
Varun Ramraj
White Dwarf
Lik Hang Lee
Black Dwarves
Lois Chan
Chris Baitz
Nicholas Gurewitch
Marlon Richmond
Jenson Wong
Frank Yang
Benny Lee
Megan McLaughlin
All the contest entrants!
Interstellar Gas
Patricia Lau
Kiran Bisra
Cameron Funnell
Jamil Rhajiak
Sean Kearney
Reka Pataky
Lisa Frey
Francis Moon
Horizon Pub, Vancouver, BC
Legal Information
The 432 is produced by the students of the Arts Undergraduate
Society... PSYCH! hahaha, you don't
think those artsies could produce
something this good do you? For
serious, this paper is produced by
Ghengis Khan, Pauly Shore, and
Ronald Reagen deep in the lonely
depths of the Student Union Building locked in the IFPO where they
can now only torment humanity on
a bimonthly basis. All views
expressed in this rag are strictly
those of the individual writers, and
as such are not the responsibility of
The 432, The Science Undergraduate Society, or the Faculty of Science. Writers and cartoonists are
encouraged to submit their material to the 432. Submissions must
make the editor chuckle at least
thrice, and must contain the
author's name and contact information.
We would like to encourage reader
feedback, because sometimes you
crazy kids make us laugh. And
remember: If you haven't got anything nice to say, say it anyway
because how else are we to know
we are being offensive enough?
Contact us at: the432@gmail.com
A Fool and Her Pineapple
Colleen Atherton
Last week I fell off my bike. I fell off
because I was carrying a pineapple.
Falling of my bike always makes me
laugh. I don't know about the rest of you
but my accidents are always very comical,
even if they do sometimes leave me with a
concussion and a face only an abusive
boyfriend could love. The frequency seems
to be one per year and I have now seem to
have had my third year accident. Fortunately this one wasn't as damaging as the
last on was.
The first year accident was the least
painful. Once again I was late for 8 am
biology class, so I hopped onto my circa
1960's bicycle and peddled out of Totem
just as fast as I could. Many of you will be
familiar with the covered walkways linking the various Totem houses to the caf.
Being a resident of the furthest building, I
had many walkways to cruise through
before reaching the open road. Early morning,   walkways  lined   with  pillars,   and
speed does not make for a safe combination.
Embarrassingly, my first accident did not
take place around a corner nor was it the
result of a crowded path. My brakes did
not fail, there was no loose gravel, and my
wheel didn't even fall off (at least not until
after the accident). I was heading for a post
on a straight stretch and I could not muster
enough brain cells at 8 am to grab the
brakes. I blame the early morning. Those 8
am classes should be banned.
Aside from a bruised ego, a scraped hand
and having to reattach the front wheel of
my bike (I could never get the damn bolt
tight enough to make the thing stay on) I
was unharmed. I laughed then because
who else but me would run into a post. I
even made it into class (almost) on time.
Until now I have told few people about
that accident.
In second year I was not quite so lucky.
Second year's accident occurred three days
before Thanksgiving weekend and two
days before two midterms. It was a colossal event, leaving me with two black eyes,
a lump the size of Texas on my forehead,
and broken forks on my bicycle. Miraculously I still managed to pull of good
marks on my midterms, in spite of forgetting my calculator for the chemistry one. I
laughed then because I had a concussion
and definitely was not thinking straight (or
walking straight for that matter).
Third years accident was not nearly so
severe. This time it wasn't even my fault. I
blame Jamil. Every issue, Jamil (SUS Director of Sports) has a contest in his exec
report where you email him an answer to
his question and he will give you a prize
(hint hint: see page seven). The first contest
was entered by no one and being the editor
I am supposed to read these things, so I
entered. I asked for a pineapple as a prize
and on Thursday, November 18th, Jamil
Riding a bicycle while holding a pineapple is awkward. More awkward is trying to
grab the brakes when a car starts to pull
out in front of you. I am unskilled in such
matters. Fortunately as I bailed the pineapple broke my fall, of course if I hadn't been
carrying a pineapple...
Thank you to the three girls who helped to
pick me up while I was tangled up with
my bicycle in the middle of the intersection. I would also thank you to the driver
who failed to even get out of her car.
Aio, quantitas magna frumentorum est
-latin quote
Swords, Guns and
Varun Ramraj
Finally, the sequel has arrived. "The
Mask of Zorro" was, by my standards, alright. The choreography was
good and there was at least one sword on
screen in every scene. However, this latest
installment ("The Legend of Zorro") shows
a rather mature Alejandro de la Vega, as he
struggles with his two personalities. Zorro
has a child now, and he is exactly like his
father. When his mother is not watching
him, he jumps from tree to tree and refuses to do his homework (rather like today,
although there are insurance reasons for
children to stay away from trees). He's
going to grow up to be just like his father.
Aw, did anyone else see that coming from
a mile? I sure did. In fact, I ANTICIPATED
it before Alejandro explicitly stated it.
When watching this movie, be en garde at
all times (pun totally intended). Just when
you think the movie will turn sour, something happens, or Catherine Zeta-Jones
shows up on screen. Either way, it's a
blessing for the viewer, who can breathe a
sigh of relief and return to conquering that
large bag of popcorn.
This movie is excellent for chemistry students, because it teaches them how to synthesize nitroglycerine from ordinary soap.
It also provides some practical applications
of using this compound, none of which
deal with medicine. Dueling occurs,
although the emphasis is more on character development. Unfortunately, this
means anyone who wanted to watch Zorro
kick some ass will instead be treated to
multiple persons coming into contact with
the aforementioned explosive, with less
My somewhat cryptic notes, i.e. things to
watch for:
1) The Pinkertons (note that this is pre-
Civil War, and the real Pinkertons were
actually around during the Lincoln era)!
2) Child dislikes father because he cannot
spend time with family, mainly due to
father's awesome crime-fighting skills.
3) Elena (Zeta-Jones) is not the "simple
housewife" she seems to be.
4) The Knights of Aragon
5) "Orbis Unum"
6) There is at least one horse in the movie.
7) Note a horse's addictions and temptations.
8) There is much dying, in general.
9) Railroad tracks. Many, many railroad
10) Union vs. Confederates
As I pause from writing this rather long
summary which is somewhat like a chorus-girl's tights (it touches everything and
covers nothing), I am peeking into
imdb.corn's synopsis for anything else I
might have missed...ah yes!
11) "A mysterious explosion in the desert
leads Zorro to believe there is more to
Armand than meets the eye..."
And finally...
12) Armand. I'm warning you, this guy
will piss you off. Takes a fair bit of acting
to pull off a villian, and Armand is pretty
No, the kid is not annoying. At first he
appeared to be one of those overachievers
like those damn Olsen twins or that idiot
from Star Wars: Episode I who played
Anakin Skywalker...sorry, I am being
harsh, but there's no reason for child characters to be scripted as absolute
douchebags in complete contrast to how
an average kid would act in a given situation. No, I do not care if he or she has
superpowers. Nothing against the actors
and actresses themselves mind you, but
sometimes the child character is made out
to be a total smartass who deserves to die
in the first scene. Joaquin de la Vega, luckily, is not that mind-numbingly stupid,
and is actually rather cute. He possesses
the unbelievable ability (by movie standards, anyway. Think Anakin.) to actively
search for trouble, but get out of it
unscathed, at least most of the time. He
reminds me of a monkey.
Fencers will enjoy this next bit; there IS a
difference in the choreography of the
swordplay between Zorro's style (Spanish)
and Armand's (classical French). It is very
subtle, but one will note that Zorro's style
is more flamboyant, like capoeira with
swords, while Armand is the refined, polished "comte" at all points (pun intended,
Long live the priest! His name is Father
Quintero I believe, but I shall call him
Alfred, because he knows Zorro's secret,
and the back of his church is where Alejandro transforms into Zorro. Unlike the jolly,
aging butler from Batman, this Alfred ends
up kicking some real tail. I enjoy movies or
games where there is this irony of a religious person or place hiding something
sinister or, shall we say, unreligous.
Overall, the movie is fun and contains a
few plot twists that actually make it original and make it stand apart from the first
movie. Cinematography actually adds to
the moods and flavours, but most importantly, there is more emphasis on character
development and maturation this time
around; this adds an extra layer, which
allowed this movie to hold its own (I'm
going by the number of people in the theatre here) on "Harry Potter" opening
weekend. What was more rewarding was
to see people walk out of Harry Potter
sorely disappointed that the movie "tried
too hard" or "crammed too much in" (after
hours of waiting and salivating I suppose),
while I sauntered out of "The Legend of
Zorro" with a whistle and a spring in my
step! 29th November 2005
Page Three
Erotic Haiku's Contest Results
Totem Park and The Pit do such a good
job of letting out the pent up sexual frustrations of many students and for this we
are thankful. Those that cannot even succeed in these locations have gotten their
release by writing erotic Haiku's.
Here are some of the runner up Haiku's:
1. Writhing sticky flesh
Slapping Bellies, Grinding thighs
Fatties get it on
2. A shaft properly
Lubed and mounted will only
Fail under fatigue
3. Long nights studying
Boning up on my courses
And my hot TA
4. Blindfold and handcuffs
Are not sexy when key lost
Locksmith dream comes true
5. Her passion cries out
Needing a smooth covering
Curtains know the truth
6. Vendors sell their goods
Today's product sells for cheap
A big bag of cunts
7. Which hole do I choose?
Sodomy never felt right
I need a woman
8. Sex on the beach please
I want you to fill my cup
A double this time
9. Frustrated caleb
Longs for a nice, hard pounding
When does the zoo close?
10. the hermaphrodite
satisfies just anyone
not boy, not girl, both
11. Sweet, sweet editrix
Lay on IFPO couch
Christen the fishbowl
12. Lay down on couch
Thrusting pushes it around
Dirty couch racing
13. His grip won't release
Give that man a cold shower
It's out of control
14. Testing a new lube
Trying to find a sponsor
I endorse KY
15.1 don't love Haiku's
They pale in comparison
To Dirty Limericks
16. Fine wine and candles
Lobster, dancing and music
Or rough sex in Pit
The 432's Erotic Haiku
Contest Winner:
Angela Melick
Safewalk oh safewalk
Walk me home then come inside...
Super safe threesome!
EMAIL: sus_sales@hotmail.com
.because everyone needs a neon
green UBC Science t-shirt
17. Living a secret
Megan's dry spell knows the truth
boyfriend Mike is gay
18. Off center washer
Vibrates rough and very loud
Sexy rodeo
19. Booze and billy bat
Better aphrodisiac
Than oysters and wine
20. Alone in chem. Lab
I met a little test tube
I know it is love
21. Oh yes, oh yes, oh
God! Yes! Take me! Take me! Oh!
Oh! Ohhhoh....ohyeah
22. Those naive first years
Don't yet know the power of
Chloroform lovin'
23. Safewalk oh safewalk
Walk me home then come inside....
Super safe threesome!
24. Call me tonight, I
Have it on vibrate. The phone
Keeps me company
25. my sexy haiku
so hot with sensualness
satisfying hormones
26. Does not a haiku
have some specified structure?
Apparently not.
27."You are drunk", she said
I tried to rise to the task
I never got up
28. So close to climax
vibrations slowly dying
dead batteries suck
29. Sitting at a mac
Dealing with a lot of flak
Oh why does it crash?
30. rumble, vibrate, shake
satisfies all my longing
washing machine's great
31. gyrations, grinding,
humping, pumping hard, wake up,
it's only the sheets
32. such velvety skin
caressing gently, dad says,
"boy, leave dog alone"
33. some heavy petting
past first, round second, now third
finally home run
34. inexperienced
too fast he came his first try
two condoms next time
Things will get a little hairy this week and
you will feel like you are in a bit of a bind.
That's probably because you are. Don't
worry, next episode you and Robin will
miraculously figure out a way out of the
You have been doing a very good job
keeping a secret for many years, but don't
you think it is time you came out of the
closet? Doesn't your girlfriend deserve to
know the truth? You took a big step when
you told her you were from another planet, but she had suspected that all along,
now you must tell her your other secret.
Power Ranger
You are growing up and you will soon
come up against a force that you cannot
beat. Don't try to fight it, puberty is a good
thing in the end although it will likely be
painfully awkward in the beginning. Your
superhero friends will only make fun of
you until they too reach this crucial stage
in life.
Captain Planet
You must leave the toxic environment that
you have been living in for the past few
years, it is slowly killing you. That girlfriend is sucking your energy with all her
outrageous demands and one person can
only stand so much PMS.
The Hulk
You have a tendency to let your anger get
the better of you. This month it would be
wise to keep it in check otherwise you may
find yourself at the wrong end of a broken
beer bottle after some strong words. We all
know you are strong enough to defend
yourself, but this time the judge will not be
so lenient.
Wonder Woman
You are a strong leader, but would do
well to open your yourself up to others
(especially your legs, baby, you need to get
some action). People will like you more for
it, and you will only lose a little of their
You have been having poor luck with the
opposite sex these days and there is a reason for that. People don't like spiders.
They are creepy. Until you take off that
mask and start being happy with who you
are you will never find someone to love
you. Actually, come to think of it, you are
a freak and no one will ever love you and
you will never get the girl so you might as
well keep wearing that mask.
You have been a captive for too long and
now is the time to stand up for yourself
and shake off your chains. You sold your
soul to the devil and where did it get you?
You will finally find a job this month but
will fired a couple of days later when you
lose your temper to your boss. The defense
will say he was killed by lightening, but
lightening never strikes the same spot
twice, or indoors.
The viking costume needs updating.
Horns that grew out of your head would
be a little more intimidating. Try and get
your hands on some radioactive waste to
rectify that situation.
Forget it Batgirl, Batman is in love with
another bird. Try batboy of Weekly World
News fame, he will likely be more receptive to your advances.
Doesn't that leather breast plate hurt? All
your life you have been trying to prove
that there is more to you than a nice rack,
but showing it off all the time like that isn't
really helping your case.
Just because one guy did you wrong all
those years ago doesn't mean they are all
bad. This month the stars are aligned and if
you let go of your grudge (and your
exoskeleton) you may just find someone is
trying to become a part of your life. Page Four
29th November 2005
Save Time, Water
Benny Lee
Helper Monkey
As UBC Science students, sometimes
we need to save time so we can
study more. Might I suggest the
excellent time-saver of not showering that
A shower once or twice a week is enough
with this method. You know, that adds up
to a lot of saved time that can be better
invested into things like Chemistry.
"Hey man, how can you NOT shower
after you have taken a huge crap?" Don't
worry, I have a method to deal with that
problem and still keep my -behind-
"spanking clean."
After you release your excrements, this is
what you do. Use a nice thick wad of toilet
paper to remove the big chunks of crap.
Don't be disgusted if the chunks end up on
your finger, those are yours anyway. If it
can spend hours inside your body, of
course you can withstand it being on your
finger for just a few minutes. Regardless,
this is the "dry step."
The next step requires a little more skill. It
is known as the "wet step." After enduring
the "dry step," get another wad of toilet
paper. Get off the toilet seat and waddle
over to the sink and moisten your piece of
toilet paper. Try not to drip urine onto the
floor when you do this. For the male readers this is especially hard since our extra
piece of "structure" gives the exiting urine
quite a lot of torque when the "structure"
flies around.
Personal experience. As for the female
readers, you are lucky. Well, now that you
have your wet wad of toilet paper, waddle
back to the toilet seat. Sit down, and stay
down. Then apply the wet wad onto your
rear sphincter.
You will be surprised at how a simple wet
piece of toilet paper can remove things that
a dry piece can NEVER do. You don't
believe me? Look down. I don't know
about you, but I don't see brown. If you are
hard to convince might I suggest using
your other senses? Sight is good but smell
also works very well. For the truly tough-
to-convince, and for the truly daring, you
can use the most hardcore sense of all,
touch. Just don't shake my hand.
Now that we are done with the "wet
step," only one last step remains, the "carpet step." Get another wad of toilet paper
and get your rear off the toilet again. Go to
the sink and moisten the toilet paper. Now,
do NOT use the precious and moist wad of
toilet paper for your sphincter! It takes a lot
of effort trying to go to the sink without
accidentally dripping urine onto the floor.
Don't waste that effort. Instead, use that
moist wad of toilet paper to wipe the vicinity of your rear sphincter. Remember to get
the buttocks too. This takes care of all the
unsettling splashes of "water" (among
other things) that you have felt earlier on
when you were still unloading.
We are done. Potty training did not end at
age 5. It ended just now. Also, remember to
only do this at home. I would not like to
see someone do this in the public washrooms. The distance from the toilet to the
sink is quite far, and quite open.
Remember to wash your hands. If the sink
is too far, just dunk your hands into the
fecal receptacle.
Hoodies liave logos screen printed mid font Mill be outlined.
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placed as a deposit. Tfie remaining $20)0 Is paid at tfie time tfie Iwodle Is
collected. Please make cfieques payMe to UBC Science Undergraduate
Society Sales. Please limid In competed order form mil deposit In lioodle
order box In SUS lounge <LSK 202). Once your order lias been received
yon uili receive a conjlrmatlon emtflfromsus_salesf@fiotmall.com.
Next 432 Deadline - First Issue of the Year!
Laugh in the face of 2006!
4:32 pm Friday January 13th
Ooohhhhh... Friday the 13th! Whatever
shall we do?
Come write on Saturday January 14th at 8
pm. If you make it through the night alive...
Not Your Normal
Week in Sports
M4r£0n R1(hm0nD
Belligerent Rookie
So my buddy Nik Pinski has been
AWOL with his sports column recently. Well ya got a sub in now, someone
even more hardcore about sports. So much
so that I cannot even stand most sports.
They are silly games children play, and
you fans have nothing better to do than
watch rich men play stupid children's
games!! They're all pointless excuses for
nationalism. And they make rich white
men even richer, mainly by overpriced
merchandise sold to the lower classes. In
summation they are trivial, unimportant,
meaningless, and a drain on the economy.
Which is why I find them so interesting.
First of all, soccer sucks. As does figure
skating. Same with Canadian Football (I
know the Grey Cup happened downtown
this Sunday, but its still a minor league.
Until they get rid of the wussy three
downs, and allow the crucial fourth down,
I will never recognize it. Fuck you, I'm not
a nationalist.) Also, golf rules, as does the
NFL. Baseball is still interesting and boring
at the same time. Also, its November,
nobody, especially you science students
gives a rats ass about baseball in November. Plus its Vancouver, land of no snow in
the winter, where hockey dominates in
Yes hockey, everyone's favorite sport.
Since I don't really care if the Canucks win,
I rarely watch the games. That and the Pay-
per-View games aren't televised to us poor
university students. The Canucks don't
suck 100% this season, except on defense.
I'm talking about you Mr. Jovanovski.
The NHL on the whole though is worse in
some ways than in years past. The positives are of course more scoring, better
passing, less grabbing, and the frequent
shootout. But its missing two essential
things. The tie, and the fighting. That's
right wimps, there's not enough violence.
What many fans are looking to see in a
good hockey game is lots of action, and
that includes two guys trying their hardest
to beat each other up. That and ending up
in jail after the post game riot. Also,
enough with these consolation points for
losers. A loss is not a half win, and I'm talking to you Pro Hockey players. Stop receiving  these  unnecessary  morale  boosting
points for legitimate losses. I don't care
how hard you worked in the game. You
lost, end of story.
Onto Football. Remember, soccer is not
football. Neither is the CFL. Rugby is awesome, but nobody follows it here. NFL on
the other hand is the purest, most strategy
oriented sport in the world today. Since
most of the players can at least throw a
decent pass, make a tackle, and catch a ball
(unlike certain other leagues), they game
comes down to play calling and talent, and
less on luck and motivation.
So who's going to win the Super Bowl you
may ask, but you're in science, and you're
reading the 432, so you probably don't
care. Well I'll try answer this hypothetical
question anyways. Indianapolis is the
favorite so far, and have the best offense.
But they never win the big games say the
pundits. Well pundits know nothing, just
check with the guys that said the democrats must have a conservative presidential
candidate to beat Bush. How did that go?
Thanks for losing any credibility your
party had with the youth of America. So
I've gone off topic, but my point remains
that the Colts will win, unless they suck
like the minor league football team in Vancouver that was in the same position just
two months ago.
What about the Seahawks? Can they continue their current run through the NFC
west into a strong NFC playoff run and a
chance at the super bowl? Will they continue to lose playoff games in their desperate
desire to emulate the Canucks of recent
seasons? Well this column is written the
night before their big game against the
Giants, but they should be able to be a first
class football team this season and win the
big game, but their stupid play calling
often gets in their way of controlling
games against inferior opponents whom
they could dominate if only they ran down
the opponents throats, without showing
mercy. Only through that strategy can they
have total success.
So unless Denver or Pittsburgh can stop
Indy (no Cincinnati, not this year. Try
again next year), it will be either Chicago
or Seattle facing the Colts in the Super
Bowl. Seattle would blitz too much, and
Peyton Manning will crush the blitz, or Da
Bears smart all around play will contain
the Colts. The ghost of Ditka will live
That's all, now get a life.
Quitting smoking? Earn $20 by participating in an
online study! Go to the following website for more
info and to participate:
Do you like to kill for profit and pleasure?
Think you have skills of a detective?
Want a piece of the action?
Enter The 432's Mafia game.
Contest players will be assigned an identity and every week the
"Mafias" will kill someone, the "Doctors" will save someone, and
the "Dectives" will investigate an identity. Citizens will accuse
other players in an attempt to find the killers. Winner will be either
the player who correctly identifies a member of the Mafia or Mafia
who remains unexposed until April 7th 2006. All entries must be
recieved by January 27th 2006.
More details to follow in the next issue! 29th November 2005
Page Five
Procrastination Station
This Study Break Brought to You by the Numbers 4, 3, and 2
     In Stores Now, the Fantastic
= New (3)
1) adjective
2) adjective
3&14) noun
4) noun/adjective
5) noun
6) noun
7) noun/adjective
8) noun/verb
9) adjective
10) noun
11) noun
12) noun
13) plural noun
15) regular verb
16) noun
17&19) noun
18) number
20) noun
21) noun
22) noun
23) noun/verb
24) time
25) noun/adjective
Now you too can feel like a real writer 1. Fill out the list of words to the left and put them into
the story skeleton below. 2. Laugh uproariously at the result and annoy your friends and professors in class!
Introducing   the   brand   new
(1)      (2)	
(3) . The
(3) is perhaps the
most complicated 4)	
toy I've ever used. It requires
(5) , dexterous fingers, a strong grip and patience.
Nevertheless, I think The Toy is
a harbinger  of the  future  of
(6) .     It's     another
example of our attempts to integrate  (7) aids  into
our (8) at night.
It's not cheap, either. Expect to
pay by (9)	
That's   about
pay    for    a(n)
and        a(n)
. together, with
change   left   over   for   a   few
(13) •
I'd        seen       pictures       of
(14) , of course, but
they hadn't (15) me
for the real thing. I expected a
standard   size,   but   this   (16)
 is huge, longer than
my finger and bigger around
than        a        quarter.        The
(17) alone is almost
(18) inches long.
Black Box of Insanity! Fear it!
Yes,   that's  right,  I  said  the
(19) .   In   fact,   the
entire apparatus resembles  a
giant    (20) .    You
have this high-tensile, but flexible (21) that you're
supposed  to  insert into your
(22) .
While (23) can provide satisfaction needed on a
(24) basis, it pales in
comparison to The Toy's range
of (25) possible.
1. golden ratio
2. beware their plans to dominate campus
and the world
3. most creative parking spot on campus
4. he does this on the floor of the 2005 first
year dance
5. geologists make the
6. founded in 1988
7. second most common mammal on campus
8. most pleasurable force
9. you will not catch your death of this
10. "S" in Leonard S. Klinck
11. for wrestling
12. mad cow disease
13. affliction of the awkward
14. S3
1. Buchannan has an infestation of these
2. defiled the office of the AUS
3. formula of clue 9
4. found in the lounge
5. prize given to above for participating in
the maze
6. find moons here night or cay
7. UBC pool
8. 2880 Westbrook Mall has an infestation
of these
9. most important organic compound
10. fruit and a physicist
11. first year mating ceremony
12. January 27th, 2006
13. antimony Page Six
29th November 2005
Genetics 334
Jenson Wong
Monsters in the Closet
Are you in Biology 334? Have you
taken Biol 334? Perhaps you are
thinking of taking it? Or maybe
you just want to find out about the Introductory Genetics Nightmare.
Have you noticed how everything is totally confusing since Chapter 6? The following questions pertain to ways we could
make Chapter 6's Gene Interactions into a
huge headache. (Yes, why don't you exagger -
ate the difficulty in order to inspire pity, -ed)
1) A 14:2 ratio could be generated from a
hypothetical suppression problem. Are
there other interesting ratios that can be
made based on
similar principles that are not obviously a
combination of 9:3:3:1? (Well, if you want to
get into hypothetical situations, you can make
life as difficult as you please (though 14:2 is
still bullshit.) This is school, not real science, so
everything will be wrapped up prettily with a
bow on top. -ed)
2) Is there a mechanism that can generate
a 12:4 = 3:1 ratio from a combination of 9 :
3 : 3 : 1? If so, how do you know if one or
two genes are involved? (You will be given
data on multiple crosses, dude - chillax.
There'll be a 9:3:3:1 somewhere - otherwise the
only real consequence of failing is not getting
into med school and baby, that ain't gonna kill
ya. -ed)
3) Although not covered in lecture, the
textbook mentioned alleles that cause
reduced offspring viability. Are there certain hints, indicators, etc that point to
reduced viability? Obviously, the ratios
would not be normal Mendelian ratios, but
how do you distinguish them from linkage? (I suspect the "hint" will involve the term
"spontaneous abortion," because Tom loves to
throw that phrase around. And as for ruling
out linkage, everyone knows you won't have
two equally-infrequent classes with reciprocal
phenotypes. -ed)
4) What if we threw linkage into gene
interaction problems? Then how should
you go about recognizing the ratios and
mechanism? (Oh, the horror of it all! Epista -
sis and linkage will still give you three or four
phenotypic classes but with a demented ratio.
Suppression would be tricky indeed since you'd
only have two phenotypes and a truly bizarre
ratio- they'd have to drop some major hints. -
5) What if we have a case of both allele
and gene interactions controlling one phenotypic aspect (>2 alleles per gene, >1
gene)? (What if, what if, what if!?! What if
you understood that the profs will not provide
ambiguous or overly complex scenarios because
then it's too hard to write a marking key, and
there ain't no way they'll be marking papers
themselves? I wouldn't have to edit this crap
article, that's what would happen, -ed)
6) Do we have to deal with three gene
interaction (or are we limited to two gene
interaction at tops)? How about if we had
two interacting genes plus a third independent gene (trihybrid problem)? (Well, you'll
still get a 3:1 ratio for the independent gene,
sooo... it ain't any more complicated than two
gene interaction. Really, -ed)
7) What if we added sex linkage into the
complication? (Oooh, and what if they use an
animal where the male is the heterogametic
sex? That'd just totally blow your mind, eh,
bub? -ed)
8) If we put all these scary thoughts
together, we could have one heck of a
nightmare that involves weird ratios (even
when unlinked) + linkage + three genes +
sex-linkage + multiple alleles + reduced
viability. Then we can even add in chromosome aberrations and ploidy changes. If
we tossed in some population genetics and
quantitative genetics and a pedigree as
well, that will be pretty much the whole
course combined. (Sigh. If you were better at
this fear-mongering thing, I'd label you a ter -
rorist. Hut you ain't quite there yet. -ed)
One question, three hours, 100% failure
rate, 9/16 complain, 3/16 drink until they
fall down, 3/16 jump on their bed and cry,
1/16 don't care, some small fraction invi-
able. (Glad to see you remember the ratio well
enough to try to mock it. Too bad you didn't lay
out the Punnett square, -ed)
I'm sure you must be laughing by now, as
good The 432 readers, but the points raised
in 1-7 can be quite relevant (or not) and you
may be in deep trouble when you see one
of these problems on the exam, even if you
can see it coming. Be warned! (The only rea -
son to be concerned is if the points above sue -
ceeded in worrying you. That's a good indica -
tion that you really are completely fucked, -ed)
You need to know how to deal with them.
(Nope. You will be tested on the fundamentals,
nothing freaky  and  nothing   that  can   be
explained in a multitude of ways, -ed)
It's no good to know that an earthquake
will strike Vancouver without knowing
how to prepare for it. Study well and best
wishes for a successful exam season!
(from a 334 veteran)
(Wtf? Veteran? The wanker's gloating over all
the currently-suffering souls! Why is he still
seeking pity so long after the fact?Let it go,
dude. A better question is how did this numb -
skull pass the course!? At least take consolation
in this fact: if he can pass the course, then you
can, too. -ed)
Think you have what it takes?
Want to run UBC for a year?
AMS & Campus Nominations Now Open
<JO|> Nominations run from November 28th to January 9th
jj^   12 Positions on AMS Executive. Senate, and Board of
\Q?  Governors. For nominations forms check out our
website at www.ams.ubc.ca/elections/
Questions? Comments? Recommendations? Interested
in volunteering? Just contact the Elections Committee
at elections@ams.ubc.ca
Chris Baitz
Lasts for Hours
We had a really long meeting (5.5
hours). Nothing compared to last
year's marathon meeting (9
hours). The only reason it ended was
because the fire alarm went off. This seems
to be a common occurrence at UBC, in fact
I wrote an exam where the alarm was
pulled twice. This isn't to say it wasn't
interesting, however, as it was.
This week we discussed the AMS elections guidelines. In case you're interested
in running the basics are: better chance of
reimbursements for campaigning, hybrid
elections consisting of 4 days of online voting in advance and 1 day of paper ballots,
and just a general urge to get people going.
Nominations are due January 13.
Aside from the normal executive reports,
we had a presentation from Brian Sullivan
and Michelle Aucoin. It was labeled tuition
consultation but basically Brian was telling
us how the International Student tuition
would become more expensive next year
as UBC has a goal of assuring that international students are self sufficient. This
means that those of us in that category
shall be paying more so that domestic students do not have to pay as much.
One other interesting thing about this
meeting was the Engineers reminder that
Friday December 2, beginning at 7am in
the Cheeze will be the commencing of
Christmas Caroling. This is an annual tradition of the 'geers, where "Egg Nog" is
served and classes are happily serenaded
by the serene and harmonious vocal
stylings of Santa and his Engineers. All are
University at
British Columbia
Altyrntrtrw ssntf I nt«sratiY« MwdKjui Society-
Interested in ICAM? Join Our Club!
Membership is as involved as you make it!
Current opportunities include:
- Researching and writing a scientific-based article
- Volunteering for our large-scale conference, coming up this Spring
- And much, much more!
AIMS Office: Woodward, room B80A
www.aims ubc ca, mfb@aims.ubc ca
Attention Biology GradS
0 Mini-Composite
Size =f -iri-comccsite: 11 XK
Early bird price: $22 only
Before November 30
Regular price: S25 After November 30
Evangelos price: S25 + lax ($28.50 incl GST & PST)
The first 100 people who purchase the mini-composite
will be automatically entering a draw for a Grad Photo
Portrait Package values $67.95!
Sales take place at Biosoc Office
Biol2408, next to Biol2000
During office hours
Email: biosocgrad©yahoo.ca
Our website: http:Awww.zoology.ubc.ca/biosoc
Write for us...or we will make you dance,
dance fool! Send your entries to:
the432@gmail.com 29th November 2005
Page Seven
The Funky Drawers of SUS
Patricia Lau
El Capitan
ne last 432 report for the year term
and here is the big news in haiku
Science Social Space
Is beginning construction
Very very soon!
Okay that was a bit weak, because what
does "very very soon" mean? It didn't
quite fit into the Haiku, but, construction is
supposed to commence either late December or early January, depending on building permits. I know that we have heard
this news many times before but this time
everything is in place. The budget (which
Lik Hang Lee
D. of Public Houses
Finally ... what you have all been waiting for. The Paradigms are corrected
and out for distribution! Pick yours
up at many of the major buildings on campus or at the SUS lounge (LSK 202). Overall, the first half of the year for SUS publications has been very productive. Six
issues of the 432, one issue of the Guide,
and one issue of the Paradigm have made
it into the hands of science students! We
Lisa Frey
Last Thursday, the Code and Policies
Committee met to identify the topics
we will be examining in a series of
meetings in the new year: updating elections guidelines, club funding, publications,  councillor  duties,  etc.    If you're
was the problem all along) has finally been
set and finalized. All that remains is for the
project to go through one final level of
approval at the Board of Governors Meeting on December 8 and then for building
permits to be obtained. Hopefully our next
issue in January can cover the ground
breaking and the upcoming timeline and
plans for the space!
Also, I thought I would do a little plug for
AMS Elections. If you are interested in running for an AMS Executive, Student Senator or Student Board of Governor Representative position, check out
www.ams.ubc.ca/elections. Nomination
forms are out and the deadline for their
submission is early January. If you are at
all remotely interested, check out the website and email in any questions you might
have to elections@ams.ubc.ca.
would definitely love any input you have
on any of the SUS publications. Please
email me at likhanglee@gmail.com. Next
term will be even more exciting, with more
contests, special 432 editions and SUS Publications merchandise!
I wish you all the best for finals and for the
Christmas holidays! And plan your
"stress-free" break wisely, because...
Christmas and New Years.
Finally, time to relax?
Gone in a flash.
interested in getting involved, email me at
Recently I've done
Only internal matters...
Nothing to report.
Francis Moon
Director of Finance
ello Science students!
Budget Committee Meeting was held on
November 9th, and lasted for a long 3
hours, where we had a discussion on Term
1 membership grant as well as Question
and Answer period for each club's budget
for the year. Term 2 meeting will be taking
place sometime in March and I would
strongly encourage anyone interested to
attend. I wish everyone good luck on their
final exams and Merry Christmas and
Happy New Year!
Term 1 Membership grant was given out
during this meeting
AIMS - $62
Astronomy - $92
Biosoc - $778
Biophysics - $76
BPP - $216
CSPA - $296
CSSS - $1842
GSA - $18
Heart club-$118
ISSA - $66
Math - $98
MISA - $270
Physsoc - $160
Pre-Dent - $198
Pre-Med - $932
Pre-Opt - $96
PSA - absent
Storm - $60
UCS - $566
Note: Every science member of each club
is entitled to $2.00 Term 1 Membership
Sean Kearney
Social Co-ordinator
Hey guys, not much to say this issue
except if any of you are interested
in how to run a beer garden I'm
thinking of doing a seminar in 2nd term.
Hit me back with an email or a phone call
if you're interested... if there are enough
people I'll do it!
Mike Duncan
Public Relations Officer
Hey Guys! I have stuff to tell you but
I didn't send in an exec report. You
will just love it when you hear it
though, are you in suspense yet?
Hugs and Tickles,
One fish, two fish, red fish, blue fish,
The IFPO looks just like a fishbowl.
Come down to the SUB because it's the
And it's just great to publicate!
Jamil Rhajiak
Director of Sports
ey everyone,
So The First Year Urban Challenge was a
great success, everyone had tonnes of fun
and a big thanks to the sports committee
who rocks my socks off. Anyways, The
next BIG THING from the sports committee will be during Science Week (yaaayyyy
science week!). That's rite...it's time for
SCIENCE OLYMPICS! I'm looking for
teams from EVERY department to show
up...and maybe even having a Professor
team! Watch for more news next semester!
Okay, so this issues quiz...Name the song
title and artist attributed to these lyrics:
"what's with these homies dissin my girl,
why do they gotta front?..What did we
ever do to these guys that made them so
violent...woo hoo but u know im yours,
whoo hoo and i know your mine..." Email
your answer to
jrhajiak@interchange.ubc.ca and u'll have a
chance to win a wicked prize.
Cameron Funnell
Senate met on Wednesday November
16. As per usual the Student Senate
Caucus met before Senate, but this
month we were joined by the Convocation
Senators (UBC Alumni who have been
elected to Senate). Student and Convocation Senators often share similar views on
controversial issues, so this meeting was a
good step towards closer collaboration in
the future.
There was a presentation given to Senate
on the UBC Budget. Senators were also
given UBCs Consolidated Financial Statements for last year. If anyone is so inclined,
send me and email and you can have a
look at it. There were a lot of pie charts
that I didn't understand, but from what I
gathered, UBC is in good financial shape
(Standard and Poor recently upgraded our
credit rating.)
Martha Piper informed Senate that the
federal government has promised to send
a big pile of money to post secondary institutions across Canada. The money is
being distributed in various directions, but
a major part is going towards Canada Student Loans. People seemed pretty happy
about this.   There was a lot of clapping.
Some of you may remember my last exec
report in which I described a proposed
new professional based graduate degree
(Masters of Food Science). Students for
the program were to be (for the most part)
recruited in China by a company called
Can Zhong who would receive 10% of the
students' tuition fee as compensation (note
the proposed International Student tuition
for the program would be -US$20,0000.)
The program itself was passed by a somewhat close vote (I voted against it).
While technically the program itself is
sound with respect to curriculum, new
courses, etc., several Senators (myself
included) feel that the use of third party
recruitment firms is a relatively big deal
that should be investigated thoroughly
before undertaking. To the best of my
knowledge no similar arrangement has
ever been set up at UBC. If the contract
with Can Zhong is signed, then there is
precedent for the creation of many other
such agreements. I feel that UBC should
proceed with extreme caution before such
precedent is set, and I have not received
adequate assurances from anyone that this
is the case. UBC should have an official
policy regarding the use of third party
recruitment firms. Myself and several
other Senators are attempting to lobby the
university to that effect.
There is a fair bit to this issue, and it takes
awhile to explain, but I'm always happy to
answer questions.   So email me!!
Jon Lam
Well, Science Week is up and rearing to go. I'm having trouble
restraining it. Just make sure you
all keep our eyes peeled and your schedules cleared to have an awesome week of
fun and science! Now aside from this, I've
decided to have a little contest. I doubt it'll
get much attention because not a lot of
people read these reports... but should you
happen to read this and are interested in
winning something along the lines of coffee, or dinner at the Curry Point or a Science t-shirt, then read ahead: Basically, I'm
looking  for  this  Christmas  song  that  I
heard three years ago and have been trying
to find ever since. I know a few words
from the chorus and I've tried googling
but to no avail (the only time google has
ever failed me-! >_<) Anyway, the bit I
know goes like this "Let us sing a song of
Christmas, Pray the sound will reach his
ears, for the sake of all the children, let this
be a happy new year." I think the song is
about this boy who lives in poor neighbourhood and gives away all his toys to
the other kids for Christmas. Yeah so, if
anybody knows the name of the song, who
sings it, and where I might be able to find
it, email me at txm@interchange.ubc.ca.
First person to do so gets free stuff from
Kiran Bisra
VP Internal
will continue with my format of clearly
and concisely laying out what I've been
working on.
Therefore, what did I do for the past two
weeks for SUS? For the undergraduate science students of UBC? For the good of outrageously old turtles? What did I organize,
work on, or fuck up?
1. First Year Committee n Hot Chocolate
FYC organized a Hot Chocolate Day on
Nov. 23rd. It was successful as we
collect money for charity.
2.. Academic Committee - Student Perspective Profiles The Academic Committee
met twice this month. Each Department
Representative had to meet with their
respective Department Head and ask them
to fill out a profile. The profile included
things like the average to get into the
department, how many people each
department takes in each year etc. The profiles will go online on the SUS website to
help students who haven't decided on
their major yet.
3. Dean's Student Advisory Committee
I sit on this committee because my portfolio deals with Academic issues. During this
meeting, I asked the Dean to bring up the
Student Perspective Profiles with all of the
Department Heads. He agreed to send an
email and bring it up during their next
4. Internal Matters
I am planning the internal "End of Term
Party". This party is for SUS Councilors.
Please send any concerns, comments, or
questions to vpi.sus@gmail.com 29th November 2005
Page Eight
Ten Not So Effective Ways to
Study For Your Finals
Frank Yang
Dancing with the Devil
It won't be long now before that most
traumatic time of final exams is upon
us. To help you prepare, this writer
who just referred to himself in the third
person will offer some choice advice in an
effort to minimize your stress. Now most
likely you will hear from more than one
source in the days to come preaching on
the supposed best ways to utilize your
time. Hence, you will find no such advice
in this article. However in situations as
this, realizing what not to do can be just as
important. Thus, I present to you ten not so
effective ways to study for your finals.
1. Textbook Osmosis
Despite what first year biology student
may believe, it is not possible to absorb the
information within a textbook via osmosis.
Falling asleep on your text might lead to a
two way transfer of ink and saliva but the
information you're trying to acquire doesn't sink in any deeper than your skin. On
that point, exam supervisors tend to be
skeptical of anyone walking in with notes
imprinted on their faces, even if it's in
2. Dream Interpretation
Perhaps due to the unreliability of textbook osmosis, psychology students in the
Shoes are
for Elves
Chris Baitz
Junk Intact
Maybe I just don't care for fashion,
but the latest trend towards
pointy shoes for women is displeasing to me. It makes your feet look really long and frankly, scary. Maybe this is for
protection; the pointier the feet, the more
pain inflicted by a swift kick to the nuts. In
any case, not attractive.
The other thing this style of shoes reminds
me of is preschool. Why you might ask?
Does anyone remember dress-up time? I
think the only type of shoes you were ever
able to wear were these large pointy ones.
These were the ones that old ladies donated
to the schools because even they didn't
know why they owned them. As such, it
has become an obvious association: pointy
shoes equal little kids. So the next point is,
of course, I'm not a pedofile or a geriofile
(not sure if this is a word...), therefore,
pointy shoes are bad!
Next, who else can we think of that wears
pointy shoes? That's right, elves (the Santa
Claus type). This suits them because it is, in
fact, part of their uniform! That, along with
the ripped velvet skirts (men and women)
and the funny little hats, with bells. So it
works for them too.
In conclusion, if you want to wear pointy
shoes, you send me a couple of messages.
One, that you want to be picked up by an
elf, or a baby. Two, that you're ready to
sack someone... Either way, you're a sick
early 40s pioneered an adaptation. Their
refined method called for visually scanning as much of the information in a textbook as quickly and as often as possible,
regardless of understanding or any lack
thereof. The subconscious mind should
then make all the connections necessary
and reveal this while the student sleeps.
Upon awakening, proper analysis of the
dreams will then bring about true understanding, or so the theory goes. Bollocks,
this approach will turn your neatly
ordered thoughts into the equivalent of
scrambled eggs. Do not attempt unless you
appreciate Dadaist poetry, in which case
this becomes a whole bag of exam failing
3. Divine Intervention
God isn't listening. There are many, many
more people which much more worthy
requests than you passing your exams and
all of them are getting ignored. So what
makes you think She's going to listen to
you? If humping the Buddha's leg didn't
work for students of Confucianism in
ancient China thousands of years ago, it's
not going to work now.
4. Profane Intervention
On the other hand, there are powers willing to listen. Then again, there's always a
catch. By the time you figure out the correct pronunciation for "fhtagn", you could
have already finished reviewing the subject on your own. There's also the risk of
getting sucked into a nether dimension of
endless nightmares and no coffee. And
while the exotic geometry might finally
allow you to visually understand that calculus or matrix algebra problem, getting to
your exam on time afterwards will be more
than a little difficult.
5. Partying
While we are all just arrangements of
chemicals in an endless dance of physical
forces, furtive dry humping to the tune of
bad techno is about as effective a method
for review as getting repeatedly stabbed
with a rusty spatula. Drinking is just as
helpful. At least a bag of mushrooms and a
week of solitude gets you a ride on the
UFO and a taste of universal knowledge.
Alcohol only leaves your head feeling
inflated in a not so good way. The most
entertaining path to success, if by success
you mean throwing up on your exam
paper and then falling unconscious.
6. Sexual Impropriety with Professor
The romance harlequin novels are made
of, the tragedy an episode of CSI is made
of. If you're willing to do anything to pass
a class, you might as well study. Besides,
finding out during pillow talk that the TAs
are actually the one who mark all the
exams is going to make you wish the withdraw date was still a week away. Still, just
like diamonds, herpes is forever. Small
consolation, perhaps, but at least it lasts.
(They told me in rocks class that diamonds are
NOT forever, maybe there is still some hope for
your herpes after all Frank, -ed).
7. Surfing the Web
The net might be the closest thing we have
to a repository for the sum total of human
knowledge, but all except for a very small
portion of that information will be useless
to you. This is perhaps one of the easiest
methods to waste precious time. An innocent thought to "look up something, real
quick" and three hours later you're either
going through all your emails, reading the
wikipedia entry on the cadaver synod, or
clicking through the gossip column on Jessica Simpson and Nick Lachey.
8. Getting Sidetracked
I mean they were like the perfect couple,
newlyweds on an eternal honeymoon in
front of the cameras. A modern fairytale of
romance and matrimony preserved for all
time on MTV. He the handsome singer,
actor and notable TV guest, she the well
endowed thespian, musician and TV host.
They were a match made in Hollywood.
I'm devastated, just devastated. If that couple of couples can't make it in this crazy
world of ours, what chance do we mere
mortals have?
9. Procrastinating
(Note to editor, will finish when I get
around to it.)
10. Reading This Article
It's true. The time you spent reading this
article you could have used studying,
Email jrhajiakIMiritercharicje.ubc.ca wxith your entry


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