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UBC Publications

The 432 Oct 19, 1992

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Imagine, if you will, a Xerox of Erik
"The Fish''Jensen's butt in this space.
Scary, eh? Now don't you sleep better
knowing that I correct the proofs of
this rag before it goes to press?
The Newspaper For Science Students
Vol 6 No 4 M 19 Oct '92
Remembering Jon...
Eulogy (sort of) to a fallen comrade
Cod of the Quick Article
As you may or may not
know by now, the November
Science dance has, this year,
been named the Jon
Smith Semi-Memorial Dance.
This is in fond memory of our
dearly departed Director of
Sports, who first graced our
hallowed halls with his presence one year ago today, and
who was tragically taken from
us all too soon last April. But,
for those of you who were not
lucky enough to know this
legend among men, allow me
to share with you a few passages from his meteoric rise to
What can we say about Jon
Smith? I can honestly say that
the mere mention of his name
brings a smile to my face. (I
mean, doesn't it make you
laugh?) Born Jon Campbell-
Smith to a well-to-do Ontario
couple, Jon felt the urge to
migrate westward after finishing high school, and so found
himself within the friendly
confines of UBC.
Having been here hardi.y a
month and a half, and seeking
his own niche in the UBC
social echelons, Jon wandered
happily into SUS this very
day one year ago. It didn't
take Jon very long to involve
himself in the goings-on in
the office, and quickly
became a SUS Sports Rep,
But Jon didn't stop there; he
went above and beyond the
call of duty in assisting Jaret
Clay, SUS Director of Sports,
to such an extent that he virtually assumed Jaret's position
and performed the entire j ob
himself. Thus it came as no
great surprise when Jon wa s
elected Director of Sports for
the 1992/93 school year.
Jon's flair for public rela
tions, however, were not only
evident in his work. From
Blackcomb to Bellingham, he
was known as a consummate
partygoer, a social wizard that
delighted and enriched everyone that knew him, and a
beer drinker par excellence.
Many a weekend was spent: by
Jon at Blackcomb, where he
worked as a ski instructor by
day and haunted Garfinkel's
and the Savage Beagle by
night. And anyone who knew
Jon knew that the Pit was
never safe from him, day or
The name 'Dinkleheimer',
of course, comes from the old
song that goes, "John Jacob
Dinkleheimer Smith, his
name is my name too..." and
was sung for Jon at least once
every SUS meeting last year.
It has recently been suggested
that the name be bestowed
upon all SUS Directors of
Sports from now on, an honor
that any SUS official would
be proud to bear.
But, just as Jon was destined for greatness, tragedy
struck. (He got his transcript.)
And so, as quickly as he had
come, Jon was gone, but not
forgotten by any means. It is
in his honor that we invite
you to come have a brew for
Jon at the dance on
November 6th. It's what Jon
would have wanted.
By the way, rumor has it
that he's hitchin' a ride out
here with Elvis and comin'
back next year. We can only
SUS Council To
Undergo Surgery
Members go under knife to correct "colonic anomaly"
Kevin Phillips Bong
Roving Correspondent
Early next week, members
of the Science Undergraduate
Society will undergo emergency surgery at University
Hospital, for excision of what
doctors have described as a
"colonic anomaly".
According to chief of staff
Dr. Carl Marks, the decision
to operate was made after
careful testing and deliberation. "It started out with the
affected members complaining
of severe lower abdominal
pain, difficulty in walking or
sitting, and just about everything else in their lives, actually," said Marks. "Other
members noticed abnormal
behavior... irritablility, over-
particularity, reticence and
stubbornness. These symptoms
pointed to the possibility of a
stricture or blockage in the
lower intestinal tract. Further
radiological and proctological
tests confirmed this diagnosis."
Marks went on to describe
the nature of the problem.
"As best we can ascertain, the
culprit appears to be a long,
narrow, cylindrical object, of
some 50 cm in length, lodged
in the lower colons of the
affected individuals. Bruising
and sphincter damage suggests
rectal insertion, and examination of the wounds helped
give us some idea of what the
object is... possibly a fence-
post, or perhaps a broomstick."
The three-hour procedure
to remove the foreign objects
is being given top priority
"not because it is a dangerous
condition, but rather because
a quick remedy will mean
rapid recoveries for the
patients. As a result, we
expect that SUS Council may
then resume business as usual,
in a productive, harmonious
and enjoyable manner."
Reactions to the announcement were mixed. Said one
patient, Sales Manager
Michael Chow, "Well, I'm
just glad the doctors have
studied this. I'd like to commend them for it."
"I don't know," said ex-
SUS official and medical student Ari Giligson. "Sounds to
me like they've just got an
enormous pole stuck up their
collective ass. We had ways to
fix that, back in the good ol'
days, and it wasn't with a
"But sir! You said to make the immunization pro-am more fun and exciting!"
68030     95820 The Four Thirty-Two    Vol 6 No 4 JC 19 Oct '92
1IN the beginning the
AMS created the
Council and the SUB.
2 The Council was without
stigma, and possessed of reason; and enlightenment was
upon the face of the campus.
And the Council of AMS
moved upon the corridors of
Brock Hall.
3 The AMS said, Let there be
a Student Union Building:
and there was a Student
Union Building.
4 And the AMS saw the
SUB, that it was good.
5 And the AMS said, Let
there be businesses in the firmament of the concourse to
divide the student from the
silver, and let them be for
coffee, and for pizza, and for
beer, and raspberry-flavoured
6 And let them be for businesses in the firmament of the
concourse to give money
upon the AMS: and it was so.
2 NOW every profit-making venture of the concourse before it was in
the SUB, and every business
of the concourse before it
grew, for there was not a student to patronize them.
2 And the AMS formed a
member of the cash of his
wallet, and breathed into his
nostrils the breath of ambition and anal-retentiveness;
and the AMS member
became a Council Hack.
3 And out of the bankroll the
Lord AMS formed every constituency of the campus, and
every organization in the
SUB; and brought them unto
the Council Hack to see what
he would call them; and
whatsoever the Council Hack
called every bureaucratic
menace, that was the name
4 The Council Hack gave
names to all clubs, and the
Ubyssey of the SUB: but for
the Council Hack there was
not found an help meet for
5 And the Lord AMS created Pit Night, causing a deep
stupor to fall upon the
Council Hack, and he slept:
and he took one of his agendas, and closed up the briefcase instead thereof;
6 And the agenda, which the
Lord AMS had taken from
Council Hack, made he a
Council Hackette, and
brought her unto the Council
7 And the Council Hack said,
This is now ambition of my
ambition; she shall be called
8 And there was dissent upon
the face of the campus.
9 And the AMS took the
vowels of the Council Hack:
and gave him instead two like
vowels and a consonant.
10 And the Council Hack
called the hackette's name
3 IN process of time it
came to pass, when
Council Hacks began to
multiply on the face of the
campus, and AMS-types were
created unto them.
2 That the AMS saw the
AMS-types that they were
fair, and it took them Ubyssey
Editors of all which it chose.
3 There were giants in the
Ubyssey in those days; and
also after that, for the same
became mighty journalists
which were of old, journalists
of renown.
4 And the AMS saw that the
leftness of the Ubyssey was
great in the SUB, and that
every every imagination of
the thoughts was only irrelevant and hypocritical continually.
5 But the Campus Times
found grace in the eyes of the
6 And it repented the AMS
that it had made the Ubyssey
on the SUB, and it grieved it
at its heart.
7 And the AMS said unto
the Campus Times, The end
of all campus advertising in
the Ubyssey is come before
me; for the campus is filled
with birkenstockism through
them, and, behold, we will
destroy them with the SUB.
8 And, behold, we, even we,
do bring a flood of paper-shuffling upon the SUB, to
destroy all newspapers wherein lacks the best interests of
every student.
9 And the Council Hacks did
amend the course of the
AMS, and the Campus Times
found no rest for its stacks,
and the Ubyssey returned
unto the SUB, unscathed.
10 And the Young
Conservatives said, We will
destroy the Ubyssey whom
the AMS has created from
the face of the SUB: both
collective, and contributors,
and the creeping thing; for it
repenteth us that the AMS
has made it.
11 As it is to this day.
4 AND the Ubyssey was
threescore and eighteen
years old; these were the
years of the life of the
2 And it came to pass after
these things that Science did
say unto Derek, Take now thy
Mac, thine only Mac Lucifer,
and create thee a paper into
the campus, and offer it there
for an offering upon the
Science buildings which we
will tell the of.
3 And Derek worked until
late in the morning, and saddled his ass, and went unto
College Printers.
4 And Derek said unto his
assistants, Abide ye here with
the ass; and I will go yonder
and get the papers; and come
again to you.
5 Therefore the students of
Science read of the 432 unto
this day.
6 And Derek lasted a year,
and begat an editor not in his
likeness, nor after his image;
and called his name Aaron.
7 And Aaron lasted a year,
and begat Dave.
8 And all the days of Aaron
were two years, and he
stepped down.
9 And Dave lasted but half a
year, before Aaron returned
once more.
10 And Aaron lasted yet an
half year, and begat Patrick.
11 And Patrick lasted a year,
and begat Ryan.
12 And the days of Ryan are
as yet unnumbered.
13 Yea verily, right.
S  P O  R    T  S
friday October 23
4.32pm — 8.30pm
biosci 2449
"bzzr at  an   even
more  unbelievably
low  price,  and  we
really can't  teJJ
you  this  time."
(alright, alright! it's 500.)
Social Diseases
Roger Watts
SUS Soco & ExVP
Well, I'm afraid I don't
really have much to talk
about this week too lazy to mite, in
most part because they're not
much afoot haven't organized anything.
So, I'll just take this opportunity free PR to talk a little spout
off a the expense of SUS about the
importance of helping out
with the SUS Social
Committee lazy sods. It's a very
rewarding thankless job that
you'll treasure forever why'di hi
him sucker me into it , and that offers
hours of fun slavery and many
perks tOO the free bxxr myth is only so
much sucker bait. So Come On OUt
just step abit closer and Sign up con-
tract for life. You'll love it to death.
Anyhoo, I guess while I'm
here, I'll remind you of the
Sports Bzzr Garden on Friday
the 23rd, at preeecisely 4:32
pm till 8:30 in Biol 2449.
Only 50 cents for a cup of the
amber nectar, Can't beat that.
Other fun things to do:
Oktoberfest 2, Sunday Oct.
25th at the Lunatic Fringe,
315 E. Broadway. Music by
The Love Bugs (you saw 'em
at the AMS BBQ, featuring
our very own Derek K. Miller!
Or, of course, the Jon
Smith Semi-Memorial Dance,
Friday November 6th, 8:00pm
'til 1:00am in the SUB
Ballroom. A buck a bzzr, and
other beverages available too.
C'mon out and have one for
ol' Jon. (By the way, in case
you're wondering who the
hell Jon is, check out Jon
Remembered... on Page One.)
Q: How many engineers
does it take to change a
A: Five hundred. One to
remove the old bulb,
ninety-nine to dig the
hole, one to throw it in,
ninety-nine to fill the
hole with concrete, two
hundred and ninety-nine
to erect a cairn over it,
and one to replace the
old bulb with one painted red.
Q: How many first-year
Artsies does it take to
change a light bulb?
A: None. It's not covered in
the curriculum until
fourth year.
reprinted from The 432, Vol 3 No 2.
Binary -fjssien nny
Wi I KneiO I Should
yoof Vol 6 No 4 X 19 Oct '92     The Four Thirty-Two
R A B I E S    Re turns...
The 432, contrary to what is stated in the very tiny print at
the bottom of the credits section (as if you've read it), we do
welcome letters. So go for it. Next deadline is October 26.
Right now, I should be
studying for midterms, but I'm
not. Instead, I am going to
get on everyone's nerves with
yet another long-winded criticism of the university experience. Supposedly, one comes
to university to get an education in some specialized field.
Unfortunately, the education
one receives has precious li t-
tle to do with one's specialization.
The first thing one learns
in university is that you had
better get to class early if you
want to be one of the lucky
400 students who actually get
a seat for the lecture. Second,
one learns that it is quite possible to get through a course
without ever finding out what
your professor's name was, or
even what they looked like.
As well, one learns is that
studying for exams is pointless
because they really don't test
your understanding of subject
matter. All that exams test is
the student's ability to
remember something long
enough to spit it back out
during the time allotted for
that exam.
Whose fault is it that the:
Canadian university system is
such a poor educator? Usually
the blame is given to the students, since they seldom stand
up for themselves. If it doesn't
land on the students, the
blame lands on the professors
because most are foolish
enough to try to be educators
without getting any training
in education. If both the students and professors manage
to dodge the blame, it lands
in the lap of the university
administrators, who shift it to
Unfortunately, no one sin
gle group deserves all the
"credit" because it is partially
everyone's doing. The students are to blame because:
they don't shoulder any of the
responsibility for their education. If students don't make
themselves heard, then
nobody is going to know —
or even care — that lecture
size is determined by how
many people the fire depait-
m£Trf. will allow in any single
room. If students refuse to get
involved in student government (by voting), how will,
student government have any
credibility in the eyes of
administrators and legislators?
Students should realize that
their responsibility for their
education doesn't end when
they hand over their tuition
Professors are also to blame
because, like students, they
have stopped complaining
loudly. It seems professors
have bought into the "publish
or perish" mentality. It is rare
to find professors who see
their role as educators as
being as important as their
role as researchers. This is
only reinforced by the administration, which seems to
appreciate the corporate and
government research money
that professors attract more
than the student tuition they
The role that administrators play in the declining
quality of a Canadian university education is one of a lack
of leadership. It is true that
administrators are vocal in
expressing the need for more
support for the university system, yet they do little else to
improve the system. Instead
of innovating and finding cre
ative solutions to the immediate problems, they sit back
and perpetuate the problems.
When the Buchanan buildings were built, they housed
classrooms, when the
Instructional Resources
Centre was built they housed
"lecture auditoriums". The
administrators build bigger
classrooms and expand for the
future, yet they do not hire
more professors or teacVvmg
assistants. Administrators also
fail when it comes to showing
society how valuable the university system is and how it
has an important role in
Canada's future.
The university system has
changed little since the institution first appeared in the
early eleventh century. Does
nobody realize that the lecture and examination system
may work when professors and
students have personal contact, but fails when a student
and a professor must introduce themselves to each other
whenever they meet.
Perhaps the entire way
material is presented is not""
the most effective. Perhaps
students' memory skills are
being tested more than their
analytical skills.
Perhaps it is time that
administrators, faculty, and
students all begin to work
together to change an antiquated system. Canadian society must be made to realize
that the need for a good university education outweighs
the need for a "degree", and
that the university system is
important to the future of
Rocco Liegghio
Dear Mr. McCuaig,
While the Campus Times
appreciates your support (in
your editorial October 7,
1992), we would like to
object to one part of your
In your editorial, you
referred to the Campus Times
for "being pigheaded and
divorcing itself totally from
the AMS."
This, I must argue, is not
the case. In fact, the Campus
Times, for a good part of July
and August, did attempt to
set up a relationship with the
A number of options were
discussed with various members of the AMS Executive.
Allow me to list some of the
options and why they were
not further pursued:
1) The Campus Times set
itself up as a club: Both the
AMS and the Campus Times
seriously considered this
option. However, it was not
viable. In order to set ourselves up as a club, we would
have to turn all financial
assets over to the AMS.
Considering that almost $10
000 in personal income was
invested in this venture, that
would not be wise. The AMS,
on the other hand, gave no
indication that it was prepared to reimburse the
investors, but obviously, there
is no reason why they should.
2) The Campus Times
donate all or part of its profits
to the AMS: While this is a
moot point (considering that
the Campus Times does not
make any profit yet), this is
not feasible. The AMS was
not prepared to accept this.
After all, that would be a serious conflict of interest. How
could the AMS support an
independent publication at
the same time they support
the Ubyssey?
Deadly Commie Virus Threatens Campus
Jeff Haas
Token Artsie
What connotations are
associated with this word for
you? Does this word send
images flashing through your
head of simple blocks connecting in complicated patterns? Or is it just the name
of a mindless video game that
you have on your computer?
You probably think that
TETRIS is just a game. If you
are one of the millions who
believe this, then take this
article as a warning: You are
not only mistaken, but you
are in DANGER!!!
TETRIS is not a game. It is
not a toy. It is not meant for
children. It is a deadly communist virus that is spread
through subliminal bio-messages that flash on a computer
screen while playing what
appears to be an innocent
video game. This virus
changes the coding of your
DNA and has the potential i:o
obliterate your mind and fill
it with endless images of
senseless blocks. As it spreads,
it is meant to destroy all
national initiative, reduce
GNP and, worst of all, override our national desire for
TETRIS was engineered by
bio-computer-scientists of the
USSR during the Cold War.
Intended to invade the minds
of North Americans, TETRIS
was supposed to lie dormant
until Moscow was ready to
awaken it. Unfortunately, the
TETRIS virus has become
active and is now out of control. The meltdown of many
student minds on the UBC
campus has already become
While walking through the
halls, I am sure that many of
you have noticed dazed and
empty expressions on the
faces of quite a few people.
You have probably also
noticed doodles on walls,
desks and even lab reports
that represent the blocks
inherent in the lives and
thoughts of those with
TETRIS. It is a sad thing to
see in so many, with so little
hope. Luckily, though, they
are blissfully unaware of what
they have become. They are
not cognizant of the fact that
their lives do not actually
revolve around the pinnacle
of a four-line score.
Dazed and confused, these
poor creatures have been
taken over by this Soviet
"game". The purpose in creating a virus that would subvert
and limit the thoughts of the
continued pagef «4
3) A club be formed to create another AMS newspaper,
which then contracts out the
desktop publishing to Avenue
Ten Publishing (us), which
secures advertisers in order to
pay for the publication of this
paper. In my opinion, this
seemed quite feasible.
However, there were certain
drawbacks. First, the editorial
control would have to reside
in the club. At the same
time, we were told, the owners of Avenue Ten could not
be members of that club (that
would be a conflict of interest). That is, we could never
edit the newspaper. Yet the
Campus Times was formed, in
part, because we very much
wanted to edit a quality campus newspaper. There seemed
little point in our building a
newspaper in which we could
have no input.
In essence, the position of
the AMS was this: as long as
editorial and financial control
did not rest solely with the
AMS, there could be no relations with the Campus Times.
While this is regrettable, it is
neither unexpected nor is it
And in case any of you
wonder, yes, we are disappointed that the AMS has
banned us from SUB.
However, we also understand
why they did it. I know the
entire AMS Executive, and
count them as friends. It is
my belief that they are doing
what they think is the right
thing for the AMS and for
the members of the AMS. I
do not fault them.
The SUB is but one building on campus. We can be
found everywhere else. Enjoy.
Aaron Drake
Editor-in-Chief, Campus Times
Ryan McCuaig
Editor and Executive Whip-Cracker
Contributing Writers leona Adams, Janice Boyle,
Michael Chow, Aaron Drake, Jeff Haas, Rocco
Liegghio, Carmen McKnight, Derek Miller, Rod
Reddekopp, and with me as always is Rog.
Party on, Rog.
ART   and   DESIGN
Layout Ryan McCuaig
Contributing Artists Aaron Drake, Mike Ewert,
Amy Hillaby, Ryan McCuaig, Roger Watts, and
someone whose name couldn't be read. Sorry. (She's
blonde, about 5'5" and drew the facing cartoon, tho).
Printer College Printers, Ltd. Vancouver
Distributor E-Fish-ent Distribution, Ltd.
IS October 1SS2, Vol 6, No 4
The 432 is publtshed bwreekfy by the Scence Undergraduate Society of
U8C, somewhere close to Main Mail and University Blvd. We generally
make cute hats out of our mail, espectalty the political^ correct stuff, so
don't bother sending any. The Four Thirty-Two    Vol 6 No 4 )f 19 Oct '92
Blown Away...
I read an enlightening article the other day. So enlightening was it that I swore off
Mexican food.
A physicist at an
American University wrote a
very thought-provoking letter
in the National Review to
William F. Buckley (motto:
I'm more right-wing than you
are). It addressed a very
touchy topic of today. Let me
quote some of his letter:
"I'm a physicist at a small
midwestern college. I never
believed any of the stories I
read in your letters section,
until one of those stories
happened to me. I was studying in the lab naked one day
and —"
Whoops! Wrong letter!
Hah hah, how'd that get in
there? I blame the computer.
Actually, this professor's
letter addressed the
Greenhouse Effect, or what
he claimed to be the mystery
of the Greenhouse Effect.
In essence, this professor
proved through very simple
mathematics that the known
increase in atmospheric CO"2
since 1950 could not possibly
have been a result of human
activity. As a matter of fact,
simple math showed that
human activity could account
for only six percent of the
total increase.
This is not to say that he
claimed there was no
Greenhouse Effect. All he
said was that the increase in
CO2 was not a result of
humanity. He then posed the
question: Where did all this
CO2 come from? He had no
explanation, and no explanation has been offered elsewhere.
I have a number of theories, however.
Theory #1: Politics?
Suspicious eyes seem to
always look towards the
national capitals, but this
time there is good reason. By
my calculations (very scientifically done on a coaster at
the Yale Pub), one political
speech releases into the
atmosphere twelve cubic
meters of noxious vapours,
the majority of which is
warm CO2.
This is a great theory, especially when you consider that
the solution would be to
shoot the politicians.
Theory #2: Spotted Owls.
Actually, I don't know why,
but my father is a logger, and
he insists they're to blame.
Theory #3: Something
else. Actually, something
very specific, but this is (or is
supposed to be) a PG-rated
paper, and I can't say the
word. Suffice it to say that
it's the thing Monty Python
shows hamsters doing in cartoons (with an accompanying
"POOT!"). I will call it by a
I am talking about fZZrts.
In addition to methane,
there is a great deal of CO2
contained in fZZrts.
I am certain that if scientists became serious about
monitoring the number of
fZZrts emitted by the world,
it would blow them away (no
pun intended).
Why has this suddenly
become a problem] You
might be led to think that it
has to do with the fact that
there are more people than
ever before. But the truth is
more sinister.
It's only been in the past
twenty or thirty years that
the so-called professionals
have been trying to change
our diets. Instead of healthy,
meat and potatoes, with
plenty of meat on the side,
what have they been trying
to shove down our throats?
To be more specific, over
the past thirty years, the
world has seen an unprecedented and cataclysmic jump
in per capita consumption of
bran. Bran, as we know, is a
harbinger of the fZZrt.
It all becomes crystal clear,
doesn't it?
Worse than all that has
been the rise of vegetarianism.
I mean, look at what they
eat. For instance, there's
Tofu, which is bean curd.
Hear that? BEANS! Beans
are pretty much compacted
gas.  Have you ever shared a
bed with a vegetarian? It will
wake you up sometimes, as if
they have an entire Tuba section hidden under the sheets.
There you have it.
Vegetarians and the bran
industry are the real culprits
of global warming.
Now is the time to call for
action. Everyone has to make
a concerted effort if we are to
halt the process of global
warming. I will outline here
my plan to do this:
1) Shoot the politicians. I
mean, it can't hurt, can it?
2) Eat Fruit Loops. Or
Sugar Crisp. Whatever, but
ditch the Healthy Breakfast
Kick. The worst thing that
happened to the ecosphere
was bran muffins, I'm telling
3) Get Mike Harcourt to
set up an Emissions Program
for Humans, just like Air
Care. We could call it FZZrt
Smart. Okay, it's a stupid
idea, but I bet he'll go for it.
Or did we already shoot him?
4) Make Beans available
by prescription only.
5) No more fZZrting! Or
at least only do it in the
There you have it. The
truth behind global warming.
Sure, they'll tell you it's really because of automobile
emissions. That's because
they don't want you to know
the truth. But check the facts
yourself. You'll find the truth.
Something smells rotten.
TETRIS, from page 2
Western world was, in the
Cold War era, understandable
for the USSR, because it
would have enabled them to
control the world and make it
Red. Now, however, with the
West in the position of
power, the former Soviets
have recognized their grave
error and are attempting to
save those who have not yet
In a recent press release,
Vadim Gerasimov, concept
designer of the vicious virus,
informed world media that
the subliminal messages
relayed by the "game" have
successfully entered the minds
of the millions who have
played it.
"This virus," said
Gerasimov, "was intended to
lie dormant indefinitely until
a decision was made to awaken it, and then it could only
be activated by a special code
that would be bounced to
North America off a Soviet
'The code was originally
held by the leader of the
Communist Party. When
Gorbachev began his program
of reforms, he ordered the
code destroyed. His instructions were apparently followed explicitly," explains
Gerasimov. "Unfortunately
the code was inexplicably
entered when Boris (Yeltsin)
was playing with his computer. We are very embarrassed
by this incident and we hope
that our warning is in time to
save whatever minds have not
yet been destroyed. We are
very sorry."
Barbara Bush, who was
tending her own mindless
husband, said that she too
had her regrets. "If George
had known, he never would
have accepted the vodka and
video games from Mikhail."
She was also sending condolences out to the Canadian
government, who collectively
succumbed to the mindless-
ness of TETRIS on August
A bunch of things you
probably didn't know about
1. The Physsoc Choral Group practices on
Thursdays from 12:30 to 2:00pm. For more info,
contact Lucy at Henn 307.
2. Physsoc has a new Tutoring Registry. Good
tutors, reasonable rates. You can register as
either a tutor or tutee, so come on down...
3. Physsoc's membership is only $5, which gets
you access to:
A fridge and microwave
Study carrels
Drop-in tutoring
Cheap pop and juice
Cheap doughnuts and coffee
Physsoc is also sponsoring ($$$) two
delegates to CUPC. If you have a paper,
short talk or poster you'd like to present, talk
to us in Henn 307 ASAP.
There was originally a sixth act to Hamlet, but its
transcriber met with an unfortunate random error... Vol 6 No 4 X 19 Oct '92     The Four Thirty-Two
University of British Columbia
Science Undergraduate Society's
Compare to the bookstore:
200 sheets for $1.49 plus tax
400 sheets for $2.95 plus tax
Stock up at the S.U.S. office
in the Chemistry building, room 160.
^y^ All profit* will b<! donated to charity
Science Week
Logo Contest
The Euolution
Of Science
The winning logo utiti become
Ihe officianogo of Science Meek.
Entries must be:
• fl maximum of two colours
• Submitted to CHEM 160 by Not 38, 1992
^eeMpintr;A'v*VJ  *«*r proper
Win a free T-shirt!
..iiirt Design C design Contest I-sin..
.,• Design ContestT-shirt itestT-shirt Design Contc
Contest T-shirt Design Contest .-»nirt Design Contest T-shirt D
'it Design ContestT-shirt Design Contest T-shirt Design Cont
>ntest T-shirt Des    Design a T-shirt for  lontest T-shirt T
D8!'rL(i0nleSl the UBC Department I" nesi9n Con
of Statistics
est T-shirt r»
1 De
lirt De
Entries must be:
• A maximum of two colours
• Submitted to:
Anona Thorne
Dept of Statistics;
Ponderosa C
2021 West Mall
V6T 1Z2
By November 16, 1992
t Des
Dik Miller, Campus Enforcer
Derek K.
I was walking along
University Boulevard, on my
way to purloin a steamed
almond milk and a ginger snap
from the SUB. It was a crisp
fall day, but I smelled something sinister in the air.
I'm trained to smell these
things. I'm Dik Miller,
Engineering Political
Correctness Enforcer.
I soon determined that the
smell was coming from a particularly unsavoury-looking
young man in a long trench
coat who stood handing out
"So," he began, "which way
are you gonna vote?"
"Vote?" I asked, looking at
him blankly.
"In the referendum," he
'The referendum?"
'Yeah. Next week. You
know, the referendum."
"I thought they picked the
Elvis stamp already," I said.
"No, no," he hissed, holding
up one of his pamphlets. "The
referendum on the
Charlottetown Accord."
"Sorry, I don't drive. I used
to own a FordPinto, though."
He looked askance at me.
"The Charlottetown Accord is
an agreement on the
Canadian Constitution. It's
not a car."
"Oh, that." I smiled knowingly. "Anything to do with
the First Amendment?"
'That's the American constitution." He was getting exasperated. "Where have you
been for the past few months?"
"I don't know about you,
buddy," I retorted, "but I've
been working,"
"And you haven't heard
about the Charlottetown
Accord? Where have you been
"Over there," I pointed
vaguely in the direction of the
Civil and Mechanical
Engineering Building. "In the
basement. I'm Dik Miller,
Engineering Political
Correctness Enforcer."
"How can you work at a
university and not know anything about the constitutional
I put my hand on my chin.
"I don't get out much, I guess."
"Here then." He pressed one
of his pamphlets into my
hand. 'This is a copy of the
agreement and some information on its impact."
"Er, thanks," I said halfheartedly and trundled off to
stuff my face.
Over the next several hours,
I drank the steamed almond
milk, chowed down on the
ginger snap, read through the
Charlottetown Agreement and
its accompanying info,
scanned some newspapers to
get the lowdown, ran back to
my office, and pounded out
the "Dik Miller™Guide to the
Proud of my accomplishment, I took a copy back to
the young man who had originally gotten me interested in
the topic.
"Here you go," I said, walking up to him and handing
him the booklet.
He looked at it. Then he
looked at me.
"You must be insane," he
"A few hours ago you
thought the Charlottetown
Accord was a Japanese car,
and now you've written a
guide to the Constitution?"
"Hey, I learn fast."
He shook his head and
opened the slim volume. "Uh,
this isn't very helpful."
"What do you mean."
"Well, all it says is, 'Never
mind the Constitution, it's all
screwed anyway.'"
"It is, you know," I replied.
"You call that a guide to the
"I'm guiding people to avoid
it," I said proudly.
"But what about the referendum? What about the future
of the country?"
"Look," I said. "I've done
quite a lot of reading in my
lifetime - well, okay, in the
past three hours — and I've
come to the conclusion that
what with tropical rainforest
destruction, global warming,
famine in Somalia, war in
Bosnia-Herzegovina, economic
collapse in Russia, a possible
Planet X that sends in comets
to destroy the Earth, and that
Dan Quayle-Murphy Brown
thing, this damned
Constitutional conundrum is
just small potatoes."
I paused. "There is an E in
'potatoes,' right?"
"Yeah," he said. "So you're
willing to risk the dissolution
of one of the greatest countries
in the world because you think
the Constitution just isn't that
"Let me put it this way: if
people vote Yes and the subsequent argument breaks the
country up; or if people vote
No and the subsequent argument breaks the country up;
then the rest of the world is
going to look at us and think
we're the stupidest nation in
the world. And they'd be
Before he could answer, I
added, "Pretty neat how I
could capitalize Yes and No
while talking, eh?"
"So you think both Yes and
No will break the country up?"
he asked. "See, I can capitalize
in speech too. Mlah mlah."
"I have no idea," I replied.
"But I figure if people would
quit arguing and actually do
something we'd better deserve
our reputation as a cool place
to live. Hence, 'Never mind
the Constitution, it's all
screwed anyway.'"
I grinned. "I think that
about sums it up. If you'll
excuse me, I have to distribute
copies to my co-workers."
I left the man sputtering
"But, but..." as I walked off
back to the office. Strange type,
I thought. Doesn't think things
through very carefully.
As far as I'm concerned,
that's another case closed for
Dik Miller, Engineering
Political Correctness Enforcer.
lilllililil	 The Four Thirty-Two    Vol 6 No 4 f. 19 Oct '92
"Oh, no, not again/'
Chapter Two — It's Leaking"
Rod Reddekopp
In the last episode, our hero
inadvertently leaped through a
freak wormhole in the spacetime
continuum, was scared silly by a
six-foot tall grinning bumblebee,
wet himself, and ended up on a
sidewalk surrounded by large,
mean-looking men. Andnow, the
next chapter.
First, the boy noticed the
boots. Big black ones, with silver studs. He looked up a little
and noted the black leather
pants, with chains attached..
Then there was the T-shirt,
which had "Hell's Hamsters"
written on it in large, imposing
letters, along with appropriate
symbols. Fire breathing hamsters with fangs, and the like.
The man wasn't smiling. He
looked about as friendly as,
well, a hamster from hell. The
boy then looked around him,
and swallowed. Multiply this
man by ten and you get the
Before the boy could say a
word, the ten rodents from the
rift simultaneously broke into
idiotic grins, exuberantly
joined hands, curtsied daintily,
and skipped merrily around the
boy in circles singing "Ring
Around the Rosie". After collapsing to the ground at the
"we all fall down" part, they all
ran off in different directions,
laughing like lunatics.
The boy realized he was
most likely going to have an
ulcer before he hit puberty. He
also realized that no one had
paid any attention to what was
going on. It seemed this world
had the same problem with the
syndrome as his. When a society reaches the point where a
erouD of Satan's pets can ring.-
around-the-rosie an innocent
boy in broad daylight without
anyone lifting a finger — well,
that's just really sad.
With his meditation on
morality finished for the day,
he decided to start his exploration by walking down the
street. Some of what he saw
confirmed one of his own
long-standing pet theories, a
theory which is really just
common sense if you stop and
think about it. The idea is that
there a good many things in
the world that can be
explained only by leakages
between dimensions. A few
examples are:
- The pyramids in Egypt
- The statues at Easter Island
- The huge circles in farmer's
fields (which, by the way,
are NOT caused by peanut
butter cups)
- "The Ubyssey" at UBC, and
those who enjoy reading it
- Ronald McDonald and his
gang (who are in every
- "Billiards and Souvlaki"
establishments in
Surprisingly few people actually seem to know about that
last one. It's one of those that
has crept in silently. There are
definitely at least two of them
in Vancouver, one is on
Fourth. Watch for it. It's there.
Honest. In fact, it's the item
that prompted the boy's formulation of his theory. What
other explanation could there
be? Is there some sort of traditional connection, like baseball
and hot dogs? Not likely. An
English sport and a Greek food
don't seem to be a naturally
occurring winning combination. It was definitely a "D-
Confirmation of the theory
came after walking ten blocks
or so. In this relatively short
distance, the boy noted several
sport/food establishments such
as "Lawn Darts and Sushi",
"Lacrosse and Quiche",
"Cricket and Calamari",and
"Bingo and Seaweed". There
was no doubt that this dimension was one which leaked
into his. The question was how
often did these leaks occur and
were they intentional? If they
were intentional, then that
meant there was away for the
boy to get home.
More importantly though,
from what he'd seen so far of
this dimension, leaks from it
could only be dangerous to his
wofid. Tine insane asylums
were full as it was. The boy
knew this, because he had
tried to get in one and they
wouldn't let him, which was
too bad because he would
never have had to worry about
going to school until he was
fifty just to get a job. He'd
have been set up with free
room and board for life. And
the shock therapy — that's an
extra bonus. Then it hit him
like an out-of-control truck full
of imported ostrich eggs
careening down a steep
embankment — the full insane
asylums were another piece of
evidence of the leakage from
this dimension. Even if the
leak wasn't intentional, it was
frequent, and had to be
V (= |= I
Coming Soon...
The Importance of Being Strove
Here I am, writing yet
another last-minute article,
still somewhat drowsy from
counting drips from a gel
filtration column.   If this
makes no sense to you,  thank
the deity of your choice that
you don't have a major that
requires you to take
Biochemistry 301.  For verily
I say unto you, I didst attend
ye olde pre-lab lecture, and
yea, I didst slumber.  Sleeping
in the lab lecture is not
generally viewed to be a good
idea, because one tends to
miss all the neat little helpful
hints about how to avoid
spending twelve hours writing
up the report. However, if
one had not spent twelve
hours writing up the report,
one would probably have
been awake during the
lecture. Ah, the ironic
vicious cycle that is my life.
I really think the "experts"
worry way too much.  I mean,
did any of you see what was
on the front page of the
Vancouver Sun last
Wednesday? It wasn't people
starving in any number of
developing nations.  People
were in an uproar because
Mattel came out with a
Barbie doll that says "Math
class is tough." This
supposedly discourages girls
from being interested in
First, to all the women's
groups that are having
conniptions over this, here's a
bulletin: math IS hard, and
even more so for someone
who doesn't have a single
neuron to her credit.  I don't
think that girls, however
young, are gullible enough to
buy everything told to them
by someone a foot high. I
really have trouble buying
into the ultimate power of
suggestion. The whole
concept of Barbie, however
twisted it may be, is for girls
to have someone to identify
with.  Period. The thing that
I find interesting about all
this is the fact that Mattel
supposedly talked to girls and
asked them what they
thought Barbie would say if
she could talk, and the
controversial phrase was
apparently one of their
choices. If you asked me
what Barbie would say, I
would have guessed
something like "I'm hopelessly
anorexic.  Someone please
feed me."
The "experts" are way too
uptight. They need to
practise Strovology.  Ah yes,
the importance of being
Strove.  Strove is not held
within the bounds of mere
nouns, verbs or adjectives (if
you think that Strove is just
the past tense of strive,
someone's been picking your
mental pockets).  Strove is an
attitude, a way of life — no,
more than that: Strove is a
state of being.  It's the sort of
mindset that allows you to
walk to the SUB in your
longjohns, because
humiliation rolls off you like
duck off a water's back. Well,
you know what I mean.
Anyhow, Strove is a mere
state in the land of Bohemia.
You know, Bohemia:
footloose, carefree.  I recently
was made aware of the fact
that despite my beliefs to the
contrary, Bohemia actually is
a geographical location (or at
least it was; I never really
liked geography). There's no
cure for an enjoyable belief
like the truth.  Perhaps
Calvin is right: maybe
ignorance is bliss.
Canadian-for-a-Day Kit.
1) Clip, 2) Wear, 3) Packyer bags...
Fzzk the Referendum...
I'm moving to the States.
They've got all the good
hockey players anyway...
Task Force on Appropriate Use of Information Technology
The Task Force is seeking input from the University community on how UBC should
deal with offensive material appearing on UBC's computing equipment in the context of
sexual harassment and human rights policies.
Concern has been expressed about pornographic and other offensive materials being
found on UBCnet, and the Task Force has been formed to recommend guidelines for
dealing with this and similar matters.
Students, faculty, staff, and other interested parties are invited to submit written
comments to the Task Force. Submissions that reflect a familiarity with both the
operation of computer networks and the relevant policies will be of more benefit to the
Task Force than those that do not.
Submissions should be addressed to:
Dr. Maria Klawe, Chair
Task Force on Appropriate Use of Information Technology
Computer Science Department
CSCI 333
Campus Mail Zone 2
or e-mail to: TFsubmissions@unixg.ubc.ca
Submissions must be received by Saturday, October 31,1992 Vol 6 No 4 X 19 Oct'92     The Four Thirty-Two
mundane    dumpster
Sales Slips
Michael Chow
Quite a few things have
been happening with SUS
Sales.  As of the writing of
this article, the position of
Sales Bookkeeper may soon
be filled.  We are still looking
for someone to fill the position of Special Orders
Coordinator, so if you know
anybody who may be interested, we can arrange a meeting
to outline the details of the
position. The deadline for
Intramural uniforms is looming, so I've been busy rushing
their uniforms to them.  It
usually takes about a week to
deliver the goods, plus we've
got the best prices around.
We are always looking for
cool Science designs to place
on our clothing, so if you
have a design in mind, feel
free to submit as many as you
like. You may see students
wearing your designs around
• The big news is that we are
planning on changing the
look of our Science leather-
melton jackets. We would
definitely appreciate your
opinions, whether you're
interested in ordering a
jacket or not. Why change
the design? Because the
nature of Science is change:,
from the discovery of new
chemicals and experimental
techniques, to the
onslaught of increasingly
powerful computers. We
have until the last week of
October to decide on the
new style, which is the
deadline for jacket orders,
so please place your order
for a new Science jacket by
October 26.
• Is your team or club looking for clothing or uniforms? We deal directly
with the manufacturers and
wholesalers to get you the
best prices around. Most
orders require one week.
Compare our prices: 1
dozen, 100% cotton Fruit of
the Loom standard-weight
T-shirts, with a full-front 2-
colour logo, and 2-digit 8-
inch numbers, all for only
$13.50 each (all taxes
• We are selling the new
Entertainment '93 Coupon
Books. Unlike previous
years, these books are valid
now! That's right, the
sooner you buy one, the
sooner you start saving. The
books are packed with half-
price coupons for restaurants, theatres, sports,
attractions, and much more.
The Entertainment book
also offers 50% off on many
hotels throughout the world
(in fact, the book pays for
itself if you take advantage
of this offer). All this for
only $42.80.
• We also sell the new Gold
C Savings Spree coupon
books: $12. Use the
coupons to save on merchandise, recreation, movie
rentals, and fast food.
• Is your paper supply running low? Our Annual
Paper Sale is still on! We
sell 200 sheets of looseleaf
for only $0.75. That's half
the price you'll get at the
Bookstore, plus all proceeds
„    will .be donated to charity.
0 Look for our pre-Christmas
sale on the week of
November 16, 1992. Pick
up some great gifts at unbelievable prices. Throw on ei
warm pair of sweats this
Feel free to drop by and
check out our UBC Science
clothing display, and inquire
about our special package
deals, which offer incredible
savings. We are in the
Chemistry building, room
Carmen McKnight
Ahh, another busy two
weeks full of exciting events
like elections, Thanksgiving,
midterm exams and bzzr gardens.
Elections were held on
October 7, 8, and 9. Lica
Chui, the so-called PhUS
traitor, did an excellent job as
Elections Commissioner. As
a result of her efforts we have
some new council members
(see this page for details).  At
the SUS council meeting of
Thursday, October 15 everyone signed up for one of three
committees:  Budget, Science
Week and Social Committee.
Non-council members are also
welcome to sign up.
The Science Week
Committee met last Tuesday
at 1:30 pm. Sarah Thornton,
Science Week Coordinator, is
doing a fine job this year
organizing the week. Lots of
fun, exciting events are in the
planning stages already
including a Logo contest,
"Beyond the BSc." and a play,
along with all of the usual
events like:  the CompSci Car
Rally, Gyotaku, the Microbi
Home Brew Contest, the
Physsoc Paper Airplane
Contest, the BPP Trike Race,
and the Chem Magic Show.
We're still looking for a
couple of people to fill some
positions: Food Drive
Coordinator and Blood Drive
Coordinator. These are both
short appointments. The
SUS Food Drive takes place
during the month of
November. The Blood Drive
is during Science Week (third
week in January).  We will be
appointing people to these
positions this Thursday.  If
you're interested let us know
in the SUS office (Chem
160) or phone us at 822-
Upcoming "sloshal" events
include the Sports Bzzr
Garden on Friday, October 23
in BIOL 2449 and the Jon
Smith Semi-Memorial Dance
on November 6 in SUB
Ballroom. SUS will be semi-
remembering Jon, our departed (in a different sense)
Sports Director, in true Jon
fashion (ie. lots of cheap
The 1992 United Way
Campaign is under way.  Glen
David, the charity coordinator, will be distributing buttons on October 23.  There
are prizes for the people who
sell the most buttons (I think
they said a trip for 2 to
Hawaii).  Prizes are also available to the constituency that
sells the most buttons.
Support your Faculty and the
United Way Campaign, buy a
button. Or, if you are good at
sales, why not sell some yourself? Buttons will be available
at the Bzzr Garden on Friday.
Oh yeah... It almost happened again.  An SUS
Executive was almost dragged
struggling out of Council
Chambers by Internal Affairs
to be duct-taped to a bench
in front of Main Library.
Fortunately for him he had a
tutorial to attend and the
motion failed.
(ed: Actually, we felt sorry for
him, and supposed that duct-taping him to a bench might cause
irreperable scarring of his psyche.
The motion? A mere formality,
really ...He did have a tutorial,
though- A bit ironic, considering
that one of the charges was
excessive studying.)
Love your sweet innocent
doe-eyed dictator, Carmen.
On October 26, 1992
there will be a polling
booth in the SUB Art
Gallery at which Point
Grey residents can vote.
Residents of Point Grey,
which include students living on campus and on the
University Endowment
Lands, will be required to
vote 'Yes' or 'No' on the
constitutional question.
The constitutional question is as follows:
"Do you agree that the
Constitution of Canada
should be renewed on the
basis of the agreement reached
on August 28, 1992?"
The deadline for all
Canadians to get their
name on the Voter's List is
October 19, 1992. IF YOU
For those interested, the
AMS has copies of the
Consensus Report on the
Constitution (Final Text).
Please come to SUB 238
for a copy (quantities are
Carole Forsythe 822-3092
Marya McVicar 822-2050
To register for your $60
Federal Referendum Tax
Greg Wickens 224-6617
Ballot Boxers
Lica Chui
What is wrong with all of
you !?! Don't any of you care
about what happens outside of
the academic slant of life at
UBC? Really. After three
days of having voting stations
nearly everywhere, SUS has
again succeeded in wasting
your fees on elections poll
Don't get me wrong
though, I'm not bitter.  I have
only words of praise and
admiration for those
intelligent and wonderful 102
First Years and 56 Second
Years that came out to vote.
You are all VERY VERY
SPECIAL!  For all the ones
that didn't vote; next time,
VOTE (even if its only to get
some marks on your AMS
cards... yes, you get MARKS
if you vote).
Well, enough of my tirade,
the "winners"  of the
elections, who will be
managing your student
university affairs for the 92/93
year are:
First Year
Terence Fan & Jason
Second Year
Keith Banergee, Matthew
Brear & Morie Chen
Third Year
Tricia Choice, Stephen
Coleman & Glen David
Fourth Year
Carl Foo, Ed Ronyecz &
Nicky Sample
Graeme Kennedy
Delwin Yung
Colin Duong
Computer Science
Anthon Pang
Qeneral Science
Tim Lam
Polly Stokes
Julie Gee
Qeophys & Astr.
Pauline Barmby
Emel Akkurt
Sarah Thornton
James Chin
Physics   Kevin Douglas
Patrick Kerridge
Laurie Yee
Any questions or complaints about school, you're
welcome to see the above representatives and receive their
enlightened help.  After all,
you Science students elected
Nope, don't understand
it.. .out of 2400 students, only
158 vote ■ ■ ■ makes you just
want to hide out in Pharmacy...
AMS Briefs
Janice Boyle
Blah blah blah blah blah blah
blah committee appointment.
Blah blah blah blah blah blah
blah five more committee
appointments.   Blah blah rubber stamp.  Blah blah blah
blah blah blah approved the
referendum questions. The
referendum questions dis
cussed were 1) a new fee levy
of $4 to establish an independent Ombudsoffice, 2) a fee
increase of $1 for the WUSC
fund, 3) a $3 fee increase for
AMS Programs, and 4) a new
$7 fee, to be paid only once
by those registered in first
year.Blah blah appointed Yuri
Fulmer the new
Ombudsperson. The next
AMS meeting is on October
21 at 6:30pm.
(Geography's Bzzr Garden)
Friday, October 30
Geography Lounge 8
The Four Thirty-Two    Vol 6 No 4 '(. 19 Oct '92
Ross Perot — Last of the Jedi?
Expansionist, Qod- fearing, carbon-based civilization seeks correspondence, exchange of technologies, meaning of life, etc.
with advanced extraterrestrial
race. Proficiency in radio frequencies of 1 Hz- 10 QHz an
asset. Send message & photo to
Planet Earth, Orion Arm, Milky
Way Qalaxy, V6T 1K2. No
invasions, please.
Oh, by the way, in case
you're wondering what tbat
was all about... you may not
have heard that last Saturday,
NASA began history's most
intensive search for life
beyond the surly bonds of
Earth. The SETI (Search for
Extraterrestrial Intelligence)
project, a $100-million
endeavour that could continue well beyond the ten years
already scheduled, will
attempt to prove the existence of alien civilizations, if
not make contact with them.
In short, a waste of time,
money and minds of biblical
proportions. Why?
Because they're already here.
No, I haven't been sniffing
ether in the lab again. I'm
serious. They've been here for
ages. Numbers don't lie.
Allow me to explain...
according to a Tulane
University mathematician, it
would take 30 million years
for an advanced society, starting from any point in the
galaxy, to completely colonize
it. Hence, he concludes,
because Earthlings have never
heard from any aliens, they
must not exist. This logic,
however, leaves itself wide
open to three other possibilities:
1) They've been and we just
don't know it. Just because
there are no recorded encounters with alien life (lonely
Midwest farmers excepted, of
course) doesn't mean that
they've never been by. Maybe
they dropped in at a time
when the most intelligent life-
form on Earth ended up stuck
to the bottom of their space-
"Well, Xarqon, I don't know
why we're here, stuck on
Developing Planet detail..."
"Oh, izzatso? Does something
about the Fleet Admiral's daughter and the back seat of his astro-
cruiser sound familiar?"
"Yeah, ha ha. Anyway, it's
5:00, there's nothing here, and
I've got some sorta muck on my
Nikes. Let's go get a brewski."
Another equally credible
scenario is that they stopped
by more recendy, took a quick
look around, and weren't tickled pink by what they saw:
"Jeeezus, look at this! They're
overpopulated, uneducated, they
still bum and waste everything in
sight, and they want to irradiate
each other to smithereens'. Let's
get outta here, in case whatever
they've got is catching! B51 the
way, what have you found out?"
"Quip... 1 just watched something called Aliens. No sudden
moves, now... Just put 'er in
reverse, and back away reeeeecd
And who knows? Maybe a
few of 'em decided to scare
the hell out of those lonely
Midwest farmers just for kicks..
2) They're here now and we
just don't know it. This is my
favorite theory, largely
because it makes the most
sense. You see, the best way
to control a system is to
become part of it and influence it from within. So, if a
few of these clever spacemen
were hanging about, they'd
just blend in with everyone
else, making sure we were
behaving like good little apes
and not pointing enormous
nuclear devices at the sun or
any such nonsense.
There's even one or two
folks around that fit the
description of an alien in disguise, wishing to steer Earth
society. For example:
a) take Yoda.
b) sand off his ears just enough
to get rid of the pointy bits.
c) give him white skin, a suit
and a Texas accent.
There you have it. It's Ross
Oddly enough, I wouldn't
be surprised if he was paying
for SETI himself. Why not?
He can afford it, and a hundred million smackers would
make one helluva tax writeoff.
Plus, not only would monitoring interstellar transmissions
divert humans' attention from
searching for him and others
on Earth, but it would also
make a great way to pick up
some movies and sports on
cable from the home planet.
(And you thought HBO was
3) We're them. Now, just forget all your Darwinian knowledge for a spell, and entertain
this: they ditched us here.
The human race is descended
not from Koko the Gorilla,
but from a bunch of guys that
they simply wanted to get rid
of. Maybe our ancestors were
interstellar criminals that were
exiled (that would explain
where the Brits got the idea
for Australia), or maybe they
were freaks — unwanted
genetic nightmares that their
society was better off without.
Anyhoo, for whatever reason,
they dump us here, light us a
fire and say adios. Naturally,
we'd never hear from them
again, until of course we
sailed back and beat them at
rugby like the Aussies did.
Which brings us to the final
question: what if this overpriced boom mike they call
SETI actually picks up something conclusive? The religious implications alone boggle the mind. They say that
anything detected will be
released publicly...
.. .and it can be yours for only
$285,000 a month, courtesy of
Perot Cable! Have a nice day.
The Jon Campbell-
Semi-Memorial Dance
Friday, November 6
SUB Ballroom
Free tix available at SUS
A Buck a bzzr.
'cuz Jon woulda
wanted it that way.
'■ . • on campus
• lowest pro!essiond rate in the• lower mainland
• familiar with APA/MLAand thesis requirements
■X\..iR^^f-$tf^:y^oii-B^^m:» m-5640   :
Mdn-Thv: 9dm - 6pm Friday: 9am ~5pm
Extended hoars in efted daring peak periods:


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