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UBC Publications

UBC Publications

The 432 Apr 5, 2006

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\      K. ■■■     "T      J
R winner iff Cm
Bp gtflag expert*
University concludes
defence exercises
Vancouver (AP)
The People's University of
British Columbia concluded
its annual border defence
and readiness exercises on
March 31, announced an official spokesperson for the
Agency for Military Security.
Debaucherous behavior cages
the beloved mascot of the Science Undergraduate Society
Microwaves just make my
blood boil.
The ever victorious and magnificent Party hockey team
proudly displays the flag of
the motherland.
Please recycle
The week long military exercises, featuring over 5,000
university staff and students, focused on training a
new generation in defense of
the Great Patriotic Wall
against foreign sympathizers
and democratic reformers
from the western campus.
Student volunteers eagerly
took to their drills and
absorbed lessons of strategy
at a phenomenal pace, culminating in their successful
defense of the Wall from a
mock attack by western Arts
Faculty aggressors on the
last day of exercises.
"They can try to storm this
Wall all they want," said student volunteer Justin Ko, "a
baton to the head stops them
every time."
AMS Vanguard Leader
Kevin Keystone concluded
the event with a speech
addressed to the central government.
"This iron tower of higher
learning must remain ever
vigilant against foreign infiltration, counterrevolution,
and those who would subvert the Socialist education
of the masses. This success
of this week's exercises
proves again how unassailable the People's University
is when we are united," said
Keystone. "Here, atop this
wall, we are all comrades.
Here, we stand shoulder to
shoulder in our pursuit of of
true freedom: the freedom of
unity in purpose, the free
dom from chaos and dissent,
the freedom to be strong."
"To our once and eternal
president," concluded Keystone, "Mr Toope, hold up
this wall!"
Hi 15
The benevolent Red Sun will be watching
over you for the rest of the week.
l hi* * < upc n entitles the bearer to
Donated by your friends at
the Arts Undergraduate Society and The 432
I lease drink responsibly
Published in the deep, dark, dungeon that is the (FPO in the SUB of UBC 02
The gulag experience: a
for Castro Havana
For several decades now, certain
outspoken elements within our society have persistently complained
about the quality of life for those
who work and live in the gulag labour
camps graciously provided for them
by the state. Regardless of the fact
that these social agitators actually
stand to gain the most from a season
or two of re-education through
labour, we here at The Castro nevertheless see it as our public duty to
expose the absurdity of their groundless claims once and for all.
Towards that end, we sent staff
writer Frank Yang to experience the
gulag country life first hand. Frank
himself specifically asked for this
assignment, wishing to take some
time off for reflection and self criticism after making some disparaging
remarks unbecoming of a journalist
concerning the central government.
Having recently finished his time at
the camp, we sat down with him to
discuss his experience.
What were your overall goals for
your time at the gulag?
Renewing my commitment to the
Party and the revolution.
What aspect of your stay there
would you say was the most challenging?
Well, housing was a bit rough at
times. The tents were kind of small
and, well, there were a lot of us there,
with more showing up every day. We
also probably didn't pay enough
attention to keeping the tents set up
right, because the wind blew in quite
a bit and sometimes it got pretty
cold. The administrators were quite
accommodating though. They knew
how much I liked my privacy, so they
let me stay in "the hole" quite often.
It was small, but it was cozy and
quiet, and I had the place all to
myself for weeks at a time.
How are your energy levels these
I've been feeling a little sluggish.
It's taking me some time to adjust to
not hauling massive cart loads of
rocks every day. Of course everyone
had a lot of energy while working in
the camp, especially after the inspi-
rationally energetic encouragement
from the guards.
Was time management a challenge at the camp?
Forcing myself to get up at 5 am
was tough, I admit. Also, on some
days you would be so worn out after
a security enforcement practice session with the guards, you didn't really feel like meeting the work quotas
afterwards. Still, most of us managed
to push on. All of our daily activities
were pretty much planned out for us,
so for the most part that was easy.
How were the staff?
The guards were always lively and
engaging. They'd always be there to
shout an encouragement when you
needed it most. The other staff were
also professional and very helpful.
Just last month, I became faint with
revolutionary fervour and developed
a significant swelling of pride in my
left leg after hearing our work quotas
were being raised a third time in as
many days. My overexcitement left
me in no condition to work, but the
infirmary staff pulled off a miracle
and had me back on the work gang
that same afternoon. At one point,
they even gave me something. A pill,
I think.
And the food?
Again, you have to give credit to
the staff for being so considerate.
They knew the camp had people from
all over, many of whom have very
different tastes in food. However,
bread and porridge are the core of
staple diets everywhere, so instead
of trying to accomodate individual
tastes the staff had the foresight to
serve everyone those and only those
foods. And just like that, everyone
could be equally satisfied. Although,
eventually the same menu week after
week does start to feel dull. I swear,
for a while it felt like those parcels of
sausage and biscuits you people sent
to me were the only thing keeping me
alive, [laughs]
Which part of your gulag experience was most rewarding?
I have to say the manual labour.
All of our efforts went into it. Having
every part of yourself being put to
use by the powers that be is an indescribable feeling.
Do you feel like your have gained
much from your time at the gulag?
Very much! Yes. Very, very much! I
think I've gotten all that I possibly
can out of my stay there.
Describe the one area of your life
which you think has improved the
most from this experience.
Oh, just, everything. I feel like a
completely different person. All I can
say is "thank you so much" to the
Party for giving me this opportunity.
Do you plan on returning for
another stay?
As much as I'd love to, I think it's
time for me to move on. No matter
how physically and mentally enriching, eight years is still a very long
We here at The Castro fully support our staff exploring any state
sponsored venues for personal
growth and discovery. We would
love for you to inform us of your
development after another two
Please don't send me back!
We regret to report that on his
return journey, Frank became so
overcome with excitement, he accidentally swallowed his own tongue.
We mourn the loss our fine comrade,
and salute him for his dedication to
exposing the true nature of our
nation's proud gulags.
daily informer
James Manson, a carpenter from
Port Moody, was arrested last week
for allegations of treason against
the province. A well-intentioned
neighbour reported that he saw Mr.
Manson smoking marijuana on his
back porch.
What made his crime so egregious was that it was Northern California marijuana, as opposed to
locally grown BC bud. BC Attorney
General Wally Opal screamed,
"Manson betrayed his province and
his country. Plus he was a shitty
carpenter. We've had ex-customers
come forward to denounce him
every day."
Yesterday, at the BC Supreme
Show court, Mr. Manson was found
guilty, and relocated with his family to Nunavut.
masochists start from scratch
Itchy and Scratchy to become
herpes mascots
Murderous characters put
aside differences in the
name of STD education
Vancouver (Reuters)
Today the Canadian Medical Association announced that Itchy &
Scratchy will be spokesmen in a new
herpes awareness ad campaign. CMA
representative Martha Kenagan said,
"herpes is no longer a stigma. Over
fifty percent of the population has
herpes simplex I or II. We quickly
realized that a pair of popular cartoon characters would be perfect to
educate the general public about the
disease that most of them have."
Simpsons creator Matt Groening,
an admitted sufferer of the genital
form of the disease, has been trying
to place references to it on the show
for the last three seasons - much to
the dismay of FOX censors. "I may.
have been hoping for a little bit too
much when I wrote a script about
Bart getting a cold sore from a Kwik-
E-Mart squishee that Miss Krabappel
had left on her desk. But this new
creative partnership with the CMA
will allow us to make it clear to the
kids that herpes is hip, cool, and
trendy. We want them to realize it's
not just a disease for their parents'
generation anymore."
In the first informational short,
scheduled to appear as a trailer-style
ad in theaters next month, Itchy and
Scratchy perform their trademark
antics, but with a twist. Itchy forgets
to clean himself after being splattered with Scratchy's bodily fluids (as
always, mostly sanguine), and the
next day wakes up sore from the
exertion. Scratchy's ghost then
returns to taunt Itchy with burning
insults and stinging jibes. Once
Itchy's outbreak has subsided, the
message "to be continued, again and
again and again" closes the ad. "We
felt that this vigorous first piece
would really get the campaign's
blood flowing," said Kenagan. "We
think that Itchy and Scratchy are perfect to be the face of herpes."
Other celebrity cartoon characters
are also being negotiated with for
awareness campaigns. Pinky and the
Brain are expected to market
encephalitis medications, My Pet
Monster will be the lead character in
a schizophrenia medication infomer-
cial series, and Spongebob
Squarepants will be the new face for
Proactiv, a major acne medication. castro
Suspicions of
capitalism at
the BC Ferries
for Castro Vancouver
Posing undercover as a Saanich day
laborer, Castro's own investigative
reporter Nikita Pinksy has discovered
some startling information about BC
Ferries. Evidence has been discovered that the organization is being
taken over by capitalist elements.
As every schoolchild knows, the BC
Ferry Service is the largest ferry fleet
in the world and the envy of the capitalist propagandists down in Washington State. It was started by the
government in 1960 for the good of
British Columbia's peoples to help
them get to and from work on various gulf islands. But now the question must be asked: are the BC Ferries
making a profit? And if so, who's getting it?
Chairman David Hahn says that is
ridiculous, but his name sounds pretty german, doesn't it? Can the good
people of BC really trust a hun? One
that doesn't see anything wrong with
charging hard-working socialists
$8.95 for a White Spot cheeseburger
meal? To us, "White Spot" seems like
a pretty thinly-veiled reference to the
"Whites" that were defeated by the
"Reds" in the Russian Civil War. Bourgeoisie David Hahn is getting rich off
the backs of hungry socialist workers
and it must stop.
Comrade Pinksy reports that this is
far from the end. Half of the ships in
the fleet have names that begin with
"Queen of...". Did that kraut Hahn
intend this to reference royalty and
to silently spit in the face of the
party which has done so much for
him and all of us? If you think that it
is okay because only half of the ships
have names like this, think again.
The other half s moniker's start with
"Spirit of ...", as clear a reference to
supernatural "souls" and hateful
Christianity as we have ever seen.
We are almost certain that the BC
Ferries are classist as well. Pinksy
took the ferry from Tsawwassen to
Swartz Bay, and was charged $10.50
for a walk-on ticket. Yet, when he
changed into a suit and was coming
back, he had to pay 3 dollars less. He
asked the woman who sold him the
ticket why this is so, and she coyly
made up some capitalist lie about
"off-season prices". Nikita insists that
she winked while she said it. When
asked for comment the woman, Jessica Barbell, insisted she had an eye
twitch. What a bunch of bullshit, eh?
We, the good idealistically-sound
editors of Castro, call for a full government probe of the inner-workings
of the BC Ferry Service. A full, deep,
penetrating probe. We believe that a
thorough investigation will conclusively prove our claims. We are have
complete faith that the Party will succeed in this task as it has in all others.
Communist Pass
Sign up for your Communist
Pass today. It provides a range
of benefits that will make your
everyday life easier. You will no
longer need to find you own employment, decide on your career
path, manage your own property,
or maintain a bank account.
BONUS: Parking spaces are
reserved for YOU!
(If we assign a car to you)
Don't delay! Sign up today
(555) 822-4325 vvww.communistpass.cn
Legal Stuff: Benefits may be changed at any time without the need to inform pass holders. Passes belong to the state,
as do the passholders. Lost cards may be repurchased at great expense at your local government office. For more details, please visit our website.
Communism Solves
Daylight Savings Time!
for Castro St Petersburg
This week, as billions worldwide
lose a precious hour of their lives to
daylight savings time, communists
around the world are praising their
fellow comrade Dr. Lin Guanxian for
stopping this Western menace to
peace in a worker's Utopia. "It all
came to me in a dream. Great Chairman Mao himself came to me and
told me what I had to do," explains
Dr. Lin. Under the new communist
system, clocks will be set one hour
behind in the fall, as is the current
practice. In the spring, however,
rather than setting clocks one hour
ahead like Capitalists, our comrades
will be setting our clocks back 23
hours. With this extra day to recuperate, experts estimate immense rises
in productivity, as their Western
counterparts once again lag behind.
Lin goes further in saying "the next
logical step, is of course, to build a
time machine. With this mighty tool,
we can go back in time and rewrite
history in the glorious fashion that
our ancestors envisioned." According
to Lin, the consequences of having a
communist 364-day year would be
easily countered by instituting leap
years where three days are added to
the end of February. "As communists, we are obliged to do things bigger, better and more efficiently than
the West, and having three extra days
for their one extra is just another
manifestation of the genius and
power of communism. There are
inherent flaws in the Western Gregorian calendar, which is why we will
ultimately implement a completely
lunar system. The West will once
again have no choice but to follow
our superior time-keeping technology-"
Response to the new system,
implemented retroactively today, has
been supportive. Comrades from all
across the globe are noticing 30 percent increases in productivity and 85
percent increases in morale. Recent
numbers from the Ministry of Truth
in Beijing, taken from results of a
recent survey, show improvement
not only in the workplace, but also at
home with respondents averaging a
60 percent increase in happiness.
Critics in the West have called this
new system ludicrous, but are simply
masking their jealousy.
Move in today!
:iv Se' J *»» --J- *rr~ .--.m USA.
Party Leader Colleen Atherton
Chief Morale Officer Lois Chan
Glorious Son of the Motherland
Jon Lam
Anti-capitalist Task Force
Dan Anderson
More Equal Commrade Frank Yang
Commrade Nik Pinski
Worker Marlon Richmond
Bourgeoisie Lik-Hang Lee
Castro is created by the Students of the
Science Undergraduate Society of UBC.
The opinions expressed here are those of
the individual writers and do not represent the Science Undergraduate Society
or UBC, though of course each of their
opinions happen to adhere to Party policies.
Castro Vancouver
202-6356 Agricultural Rd.
Vancouver, BC V6T 1Z4
fax: 604-822-5558
sales: 604-822-3622
editorial: the432@gmail.com
website: www.sus.ubc.ca/publications.html 04
For more chicks with dicks go to
- Richard Belzer
- Philip K. Dick
- The Dixie Chicks
With Jo Krack
■;, AT 9:30 A NOON.
■"   FOR-HI3      ■'*'
Thm recspe won the People's Choice Award 1974.
1 can tomato rations
1 tbsp capitalist rice
victory oasil to taste
Directions: : : ^ ■"/■:.,..,:.
1. Pree oppressed tomatoes from fheir easel tin confinement!
2. Help tomatoes into 3 medium-sized pot, and add one tin of water to
refresh'tfiemt!;:, ■.,..:.."'.'.'; \::: :'■/.;■:■" -S:%:  ;:; yS:S;-.^,
3. Encourage tomatoes in rsoid a fiery protest until they corns to a ooiffii
4. Toss in a tablespoon of uncooked rice to represent the capitalist
overlords, and some bass! to represent the sweet smell of victory!!!!
5. Allow tfie tomatoes to simmer with anger untii the evii rice is cocked
[about 20) sinspfl
8. Serve to the hungry oppressed working class masses. VICTORY TO THE
Airbus Hires
Mathematician to
Design Infinite
for Castro Paris
Airbus announced Monday that
they have hired French 2002 Fields
Medal winner Laurent Lafforgue to
work on unknown, but implied, next-
generation projects.
Lafforgue is considered within the
mathematical community to be the
premier expert on the practical real-
life applications of theoretical infinite constructs. According to CEO
Noel Forgeard, this is exactly why
Airbus offered Laurent twice what
Boeing was willing to pay. Noel commented in a press release, "Lafforgue
will be the highest-paid Asian man on
the planet, and he'll be worth every
penny. He'll be taking our planes to
infinity. Get it?"
The press-release befuddled journalists world-wide, because Monsieur
Lafforgue is 100 percent Caucasian.
Forgeard's statement gives further
credence to rumors that he is suffering from a rare neurological brain
disorder that prevents him from dis
tinguishing between words that
rhyme. Those rumors first surfaced
in early 2003 when Noel, instead of
boarding an Airbus A-340 to Greece,
got on a Greyhound bus to Nice.
Even more bewildering, however, is
the implied suggestion in the release
that Airbus plans to make an 'infinite'
plane. When reached for comment,
various top scientists world-wide dismissed the idea as "rubbish". When
asked the same thing during his
press-conference, Monsieur Lafforgue smiled coyly and said, "Well,
I'll certainly be designing an infinite
plain for them." At that point James
Barron from the New York Times
asked if Lafforgue said 'plain' or
'plane'. Lafforgue answered, "Is there
a difference? That'll be all the time I
have today, gentlemen."
In a late-breaking development,
PetroChina CEO Chen Geng has dispatched the following email to Noel
Forgeard: "I make two hundred million dollars a year. Your move,
Frenchie." castro
RUSSIA #1 Russia finished the 2006 Winter Para-
lympics number one with 33 medals ahead of
Germany's 18. This confirms what Nikita
Khrushchev first said in 1962. "Even a crippled
communist can kick a capitalists'* ass."
sports 105
19-month anniversary of the US Basketball team's embarrassing 89-81
loss to Argentina at the 2004 Summer
Olympics. Shame to the imperialists.
Vancouver Canucks: Stanley Cup
for Castro Vancouver
As we roll towards that
magical time of the year
known as the NHL Playoffs,
fans in Vancouver are exhilarated, as they have a lot to
look forward to. The success
of the Canucks in the postseason is rarely in doubt and
almost always supremely
positive. This has never been
more true than this year.
The Canucks steamrolled
out of the gate and never
looked back. The team has
been firing on all cylinders
throughout the entire season.
No other team in the NHL has
been able to match it offensively or defensively.
The top line of Naslund-
Morrison-Bertuzzi was once
again supremely dominant
and has no equal anywhere in
the league. The chemistry
between those three guys has
not diminished at all this
past season. The bottom six
forwards, meanwhile, have
been scoring more than ever
before and have been unbelievably consistent.
Most impressive of all has
been Todd Bertuzzi. The man
has completely rebounded
from the Steve Moore incident, and he has turned into
the incredibly powerful player that everyone expected
him to be. The entire year, he
has played as a man on a mission, using his size and skill
to put up huge numbers consistently.
True, the Canucks had to
face a little bit of adversity
recently, but local fans
should not fret. After all, do
not forget that the Canadian
Olympic Hockey team, of
which Todd Bertuzzi was a
part, also had some adversity
early in the tournament. Fortunately    they    rebounded
from it, and went on to win
the gold in a resounding
I realize, fellow fans, that
neither you nor I were able to
see any of the games from
the quarter-finals onward. As
the CBC reported afterwards,
we obviously wiped the floor
with the American team in
the finals. Those damned
American capitalist imperialists! They think they can just
black out the television
broadcast of the hockey
games to the entire country
of Canada and we wouldn't
find out that we kicked their
fat Yankee asses in the gold
medal game? I bet they also
thought that we wouldn't
find out that Canada got
more Gold medals than they
did. Never underestimate
socialism! We did find out,
because the CBC will always
keep us well-informed. I'm
getting steamed just thinking
about this. We must trust
Chairman Harper to bring
this situation up at the UN.
While he's there, he should
also demand that American
referees stop being blatantly
biased against the Vancouver
Canucks. If it wasn't for those
capitalist refs, the Canucks
would have none of their 29
losses. I am as certain of this
as I am of the ideological sanity of Leninism.
But it doesn't matter. As
much as the Americans will
try to make the Canucks lose
and miss the playoffs, there
is no doubt in any sane person's mind that they will succeed. Not that there is much
point to it. There is almost no
reason to play any of the
playoff games. Anyone with
intelligence knows the
Canucks will annihilate any
opponent in their way until
they win the Stanley Cup.
Favoured Team Wins Championships
for Castro Trenton
The number one ranked
University of New Jersey Wildcats blew out the Wyoming
State Panthers 97-52 last Monday to capture the US College
Basketball Championship.
After the game, New Jersey's
star center Bob Thomas, who
was named MVP for the tournament to go along with his
Player of the Year Award,
commented: "Nobody thought
we had a chance to win. The
media gave us no respect this
year. They said we couldn't
win a game here, and we have
now proved them all wrong."
Jim Jacobs, the Wildcats point
guard, and an expected top
five draft pick, repeated the
statement. "It was unbelievable how many upsets we had
to win this season. No one
could have possibly predicted
we would win this game. The
closeness was just plain unbelievable."
Coming into the season,
The Wildcats were ranked first
both in the Associated Press
Writers poll and the ESPN
Coaches poll. They went on
to defeat some of the top challengers in the country during
their non-conference season,
and followed their impressive
start with a dominant, undefeated conference season,
which included winning the
Big East tournament. The
Wildcats were selected as the
top seed for the US College
Basketball Championship
tournament as a result of their
impressive season. In
November, the entire team
appeared on the cover of
Sports Illustrated with the
headline "No one expects anything from us", and Bob
Thomas appeared on the
cover of an issue in February
under the headline "Why are
we never considered the
best". Their record finished
35-2, with their TV games
drawing the highest ratings of
the season. The team was
point spread favorites in Las
Vegas for every game played
from December onwards.
During the Trophy presentation, the Wildcats coach, Joe
Bayless reiterated the lack of
respect he felt the team
received throughout the season. "We may not have had the
talent, the hype, the media
attention, but we shocked the
world. We gave 110 percent
and had to struggle throughout the entire year. No fan,
none of those egghead analysts, or even those sophisticated sports bookies in Nevada thought we had a chance.
We just played it one game at
a time, and managed to get
lucky. I'm very proud of how
our team overcame adversity
throughout the season One
reporter though challenged
the statements made by the
New Jersey coaches and players.     When   Nick   Dillinger
asked the coach "off the
record" why he puts on the
bogus charade of being underdogs, ther coach replied "It's a
really good bullshit motivational strategy. Our sports
psychologist recommended
that if we act like underdogs,
we could use the lack of
respect against us. I decided
that even if everyone respected us, we had to act as if no
one did. We were able to still
use  the motivation to  our
advantage. It worked, and I'll
use it next year as no one
thinks our recruiting class is
any good. We're just the little
team that could." Their
recruiting class is ranked
number one by many experts,
and two of their recruits
recently decided not to go to
the NBA directly out of high
school, even though they
would be certain top ten
that looks like him wearing his jersey. It doesn't really look like
him, does it? Anyways, he has 30 goals and 41 assists this sea
son because he is a loyal communist. Seriously.
With Tom
Castro's Mikhail Monterno
sat down with New England
Patriots Quarterback Tom
Q: Was it amazing to win
the Superbowl three times
in four years?
A: No question about it. It
was incredible, an experience I'll never forget or
duplicate. Almost as amazing as the first time I read
Das Kapital.
Q: Do your teammates
make you better as a player?
A: No question about it.
Only together can we succeed. No one player above
another, all working
towards the same goal. It's
why we were always able to
beat the Indianapolis Colts.
Tony Dungy promotes individuality and classism over
there and that attitude will
never prevail.
Q: It sounds like your
coach had a profound
influence on you.
A: No question about it.
The first day of training
camp he gives every rookie
a little red book with all our
plays in it, and quotes from
Mao, Stalin, and Brian Mul-
roney. And during practices
we all wear jerseys with the
same number - one -
because we're all number
one equally. It's confusing
at first because there's no
names on them either, but
eventually you figure it out.
It's how I was able to set an
NFL record and complete
passes to seven different
receivers during Superbowl
Q: What are some of the
virtues of Marxism?
A: No question about it.
Marxism's virtues include
that it attunes us to important economics, explains
ownership relations and
profit-seeking, reveals
many horrible effects of
markets, and highlights
class dynamics.
Contreras Unhappy
The Chicago White Sox and exiled
Cuban baseball player Jose Contreras
agreed to a $29-million three year
contract extension. Despite this, Contreras says, "I'm not happy. I would
trade all this money just to be able to
visit Cuba again." Fidel Castro was
said to have seemed "intrigued" by
this "offer." Contreras was then
reported backtracking faster than an
antelope on PCP.
Havana Greyhounds 5 - Cayo Largo
Spitfires 4
Cienfuegos 67's 1 - Varadero Ice
Dogs 0
Cayo  Coco  Blades   2   -  Holguin
Screaming Eagles 2
Villa Clara Ramparts 3 - Guan-
tanamo Wheat Kings 5
Santiago De Cuba jSilvertips -
Vinales Thunderbirds (game called
off due to rain) 06
Comrades  people's
Elected by
People, for
Michael Duncan: 489
Jon Lam: W
VP External
Sean Kearney YES: 624
Sean Kearney NO: 126
VP Internal
Reka Pataky: 386
Vladimir Choi: 184
Aaron Sihota: 170
Director of Finance
Dennis Yoo YES: 631
Dennis Yoo NO: 116
Executive Secretary
Matthew Naylor: 383
Sarah He: 346
Director of Publications
Colleen Atherton: 411
Lois Chan: 313
Public Relations Officer
Diana Diao: 413
Alex Lougheed: 333
Director of Sports
Jamil Rhajiak: 376
Jilian Smyl: 342
Social Coordinator
Rochelle Leung YES: 597
Rochelle Leung NO: 150
Science Student Senator
Cameron Funnell YES: 642
Cameron Funnell NO: 109
Peoples Representatives
Alex Lougheed: 508
Tristan Markle: 453
Matthew Naylor: 393
Rochelle Leung: W
for Castro Toronto
16 Blocks - Horror
stars Robin Williams
Stalker who makes a point of stalking his victims for 16 blocks, no
more, no less. He eventually falls in
love with one, marries her, and has
three happy and healthy babies.
Creepy film about a creepy man with
a creepy hobby and a creepy ending.
At least the women are fairly attractive, even if the male victims look
like fruitloops.
*** Three out of five.
Basic Instinct 2 - Comedy/Drama
stars John Goodman
directed by Michael Moore
A dark comedy about a teenage fast
food restaurant worker, working his
first night-shift and dealing with the
basest of instincts ~ the need to eat.
** Two out of five.
Inside Man - Romantic Comedy
stars Ellen DeGeneres
A young, nubile undergraduate student frantically searches for the true
identity of the man deep inside of
*** Three out of five.
She's the Man -- Action/Drama
stars Zhang Ziyi, Jet Li
The story of the life of a transves-
tite superhero who fights for the
rights of her kindred all around the
globe. Five out of five for seeing
Zhang Ziyi striking heroic poses in a
latex crime-fighting suit. Bonus
points for proper use of party rubbers.
Failure to Launch -- Documentary
Sexology expert Nik Pinski monitors the sexual dysfunction of six
patients, three male and three
female. On par with similar documentaries Free Willy and Fast and
Furious, but lacking in originality.
*** Three out of five
Banana Boat
Sinks, Kills Five
for Castro Guantanamo Bay
A banana boat carrying a dozen
cuban refugees sank off the coast of
Florida last night. The US coast guard
managed to rescue seven people and
a small iguana. Five others weren't so
lucky. Their life preservers only
made them more attractive to the
sharks. "We're still not sure why they
made a boat out of bananas," stated
spokesman   Mark   Andrews.   "This
whole thing could've easily been
avoided if only they used cucumbers
or even avocados."
The seven rescued have been
granted refugee status by the INS,
but the iguana was found to have a
criminal record and has been put on
a plane back to Havana.
Schneiders Foods announced that
it's planning to pull their novelty
sausage flavored life preservers off
the market.
With Jo Krack
*# 9:30 & NOON,
This recipe won the People's Choice Award 1972
2 slices of wholesome whole wheat bread
1 Tbsp working class butter
1 Tbsp working class mayonnaise
4 slices capitalist pig
1. Cut the decadent upper crusts off of two slices of whole-wheat bread!
2. Cover the bread with wholesome working-class butter and mayonnaise!!
3. Put a few slices of capitalist pig luncheon meat on top of one of the
slices of bread!!!
4. Put the other slice of bread on top, thus trapping the fat capitalist pig
between the wholesome bread of the workers!!!!
5. Slice into quarters, showing no mercy, and distribute equally among the
Blue Menace
Michael   I   m<    •
g Presided   >    '■■-   •>
ety. is found to be a hazard;
to CO? I       OH   -' <  • up   s .
"The bod
dy< •    c }\ then    very
much," says Martin Lopatka,
an expert on bovine psychology. "Have you ever seen
cows run into walls and posts
head first7 They do that when
Duncan's around." But Science students love the Blue
(and Topless) Mike, and
would not stand to have him
Lam takes Vampire Award
Despite recent scandalous
reports that he is involving
himself with various ladies
and bottles around campus,
Jonathan Lam was praised
for his exceptional work for
the Party. The out-going VP
External quietly received the
prestigious Vampire Kindred
Award for his commitment
to the people. The golden
chalice, stained with the
blood of the people, signifying the ultimate sharing,
shoots lasers from hidden
Rochelle's new toy?
Her  Penis of   • ■     .
b .  ••  •     >Ici   '   ' •       fh     i --;
coming Social Coordinator of
the Societv has found a new
joy -- it's
-■■athan   Lam's   large   and
dy    bottle    of    Bacardi.
Rochelle   Leung  was  found
along with Ara Koh (an active
member of the Society), both
kneeling before Lam's willing
and spilling booze. Bacardi
itself is old news, I'm sure,
though not when it's sprouting from Lam's crotch.
For more recipes go online to
Drop the cup: court
Jamil Rhajiak, who has
recently been re-elected as
the Director of Sports, was
caught drinking coffee. He
claims he had needed the
boost to write his papers, but
reports say that the authorities will charge him with jittering in public, for which he
can be fined up to 20 pushups of community service.
Labrat Goes to Court
he be!    ed   ma ;cot o    the
., •, •   i abra    was arrest ed
last Friday night and charged
with indecent exposure.    He
was found making out with a
m ill     o   -i    >f ea< ./  * iri:
r LKer Tr
nothing but his Science jaci t.
Labrat was photographed,
paw-printed and released early
Saturday morning.—He is facing fines of up to $10 for all
the hearts he broke. castro
take five 07
The Peoples Glorious
"March 23hftpril 20
1. Fattening white drink of Imperialist scum inferior to our own nutritious D4.
2. Airborne upholders of the peace
honored by All with their own alley.
3. Even a hairy guerrilla can
become Chairman of the revolution.
Full name.
4. Invigorating nectar of the revolution that goes well with D7 and
often served in A28.
6. Dogma of Communist lite revisionists.
7. Delicious, hearty foodstuff of
the proletariat served often with D4
in A28.
8. Pact of mutual friendship, solidarity, and curtain sharing.
9. The present truth.
10. Lies of the past fully exposed
13. The first flying grapefruit to
cower the world.
16. Recipient of the People's Axe of
Doctrinal Triumph. Last name.
17. Give a man a fish and he will
live for a day. Give a man one of
these filled with fish and he will blow
away the enemies of the revolution.
18. The only official supreme President to trademarked his forehead.
Last Name
19. The international Communist
initiative to appropriate our precious
bodily fluids.
21. Official color of everything.
23. Crossdressing US senator and
closet Communist. Last Name
25. Leonid Brezhnev would have
hated not only this man's doctrine,
but also his music.
27. The people may often experi-
Big Dreams for
Small Cuban
for Castro Marea Del Portillo
13-year old Cuban Jose Marrenito
has had to face a lot of people telling
him no. First, it was those who said
there was no ice-rink in his home
town of Marea Del Portillo. Then, it
was those who said he was too small
to play hockey. Just last week, it was
that baker that slapped Jose when he
squeezed her tush. But through it all,
the 3-foot 5-inch height-challenged
teen prevailed.
He says his hero is Martin St. Louis
of the Tampa Bay Lightning. This 5'-
9" player won the NHL Most Valuable
Player award in 2003-2004. Jose
admires that a short man in a tall
league was able to be the best. "I have
an uncle who lives in Tampa Bay
after escaping there on a banana-
boat. Uncle Carlos sent me Martin's
jersey last year, and I've been using it
as a blanket."
Jose admits that he has a long way
to go before he can make it into the
NHL. First, he still hasn't left Marea
Del Portillo, and so he needs to learn
how to skate. He says his next step
after that will be to find someone
else to learn how to skate with him so
that he has someone to shoot pucks
at. Lastly, a little-known clause in the
NHL Collective Bargaining agreement
prohibits any Cubans from playing in
the league. This anti-communist
clause has been around since the
50s, and needs to change. Jose
hopes that if he gets good enough,
they'll have no other choice. In the
meantime, he continues to take slap-
shots using coconuts and baseball
You feel as though you are being
ence pangs of this, but rest assured, watched your every move followed,
the State will bomb- it out of exis- Beware the capitalist pig; he will lure
tence you into the gulag.
5. Enthusiastic participant of the
People's Army.
11. The South might have food,
electricity, and other such corrupting
vices of the West, but we have the
leadership of the Eternal President.
12. Perpetual, bloodless mass
activity which brings lasting prosperity to all.
14. In this war, only the glorious
and patriotic showing of total military commitment can counter the
enemy's hostile and reckless sabre
15. A beloved president for life.
20. Just body of first among
21. Stalin's musical organs had an
odd tendency to shoot these.
22. The most productive type of
farm, establish for the benefit of the
24. This clue concerns no squares
and is not being censored by the Ministry of Information. There are no
D17 here whatsoever.
26. Famous young revolutionary
and T-shirt salesman. Full Name
28. Clean, refreshing fitness and
re-education centres in the countryside.
29. This activity, carried out by one
half of A30, will continue until
morale improves.
30. The right hand of the State
beats, while the left punctures.
Don't let them pull the
wool over your eyes. Trust
me, your inlaws will
never let you live it down.
'April 21-May 21
Love of the motherland will cleanse
your body and your mind. Disagreements with the all knowing benevolent government will end badly for
you. Your lucky colour is red.
May 22-June 21
As the red planet passes through
your needs based government
assigned house next week your happiness will know no bounds.
*June 22-My 22
You have never been married. Your
mate was not taken from your house
late at night on Tuesday of last week.
You do not miss them.
July 23-Aug. 23
Do not rely on anyone who lacks
faith in the Party. Denying your love
for the chairman will only lead to
pain and suffering. You have been
given the best job for your skills.
Aug. 24-Sept 22
Your faith in the Party will be
rewarded. You can rest assured that
something will work out. Red apples
are good, loyal apples.
MJ/Segt.23<kt. 23
Victory tomatoes will save you
from the capitalist curse of scurvy.
You will be taken care of by a loving
government from cradle to grave.
''Oct. 24-NOV. 22
A marriage will be proposed that
must be avoided. It will only reduce
your freedoms. The procreation of
children must not selfishly be
reserved for one person.
Nov. 23-Dec. 21
Hard work will make a good communist. Stale bread and gruel are the
food of victory! The re-education will
increase your joy and prosperity.
Dec. 22-Jan. 20
A child will betray you. Buy cheese.
Red cheese. Cheese that comes from
good communist Red Angus cattle.
Jan. 21-Feb. 18
Beware! The red fox skulks at midnight!
Feb. 19-March 20
A creature stalks in the night. 08
Whenever you are lost, fear not!
The spirit of our great leader fills us with courage and sage advice!
Come to the People's
Rave. Enjoyment is
Hold your heads high, fan
away the stench of counterrevolutionary gases.
We cannot fight the
enemy if we do not know
where they live.
Practicing Falun Gong in
secluded parks deceives
no one.
The Capitalists will flee in terror at the might of
our gigantic 3-armed, conjoined twins!
Leader Deng Xiaoping performs magic with our economy.
Children must refrain
from doing LSD.
Do not give the Hardy
Boys guns!
Celebrate our nation's
contribution to
Nuclear Catastrophe!
No, really. Please refrain
from doing LSD
te ft in**-. m n t m m i .
Do not force your wife to
cut your pubic hair for the
first time when you are
past the age of 60!
Vigorously oppose enemies of the party
through forceful rude gesturing.
... _~
Alcohol as a bribe will surely be
refused; as a reward for loyalty,
however, will gladly be accepted.


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