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The 432 Nov 15, 2005

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15th November 2005
'I can't go to a beer garden any more without being groped!'
-432 Editrix
Presidential Race Diversifies as
Everybody Rushes to the Throne
Well-known executive, editor, muppet, strongman and tutor in the running as polls heat up
The Presidential Search Committee has given a list of
formal recommendations to the Board of Governors,
the body who will ultimately be in charge of selecting the next president of UBC. The list is the result of
countless hours of bickering and useless discussion from a
body that will ultimately be totally ignored when it comes
to select then next president. Of the many interesting and
unusual suggestions put forward by the committee, ten
made the final cut.
Students across campus were solicited for their opinions
and three responded. Of the three students that submitted
formal responses, one response was merely drunken
scribblings on the form of naked people, another turned
out to be an erotic novella, and the third suggested the
amazing, gorgeous, fantastic, hyperbolicious,
uncomparable, scintillating 432 Editrix would be the ideal
candidate. When it was discovered that the respondent
was known to said Editrix and was attempting to woo her
(or "get sexed up" in the common parlance) the response
was immediately discarded.
When asked for comment, the Editrix said, "Hey, as long
as I'm not actually elected, I'm game. Wait, if I was prez,
would I get free beer at beer gardens? And guacamole?
That would be awesome! Yeah, for sure I'll be the
After much discussion within the committee, it was
decided that the next president of UBC should be someone
who is actually on campus at least occasionally and who is
available to students. The debate culminated with Dan the
Tutor being placed at the top of the to the recommendation list.
The committee claims that Dan the Tutor would be the
ideal president for UBC as he is known to almost every
student on campus and is seen by each student that matters at least once a year in his study sessions. He advertises on campus more than the Princeton Review Group and
Vector Marketing combined, so even if students don't
know his face, they still know his name. This is a better
record that the current UBC president, Martha Piper, who
only ever sees students during her annual Imagine Day
Dan the Tutor would also be able to relate to the majority
of first year students as he is a medical school student, and
every first year seems to desire to get into medical school.
As Martha Piper has a CV of more than thirty-seven
pages, it was decided that a president with an IQ
comparable to that of the majority of students would be
easier to relate to, such as Simon the Sound man from
Sesame Street. When asked why he wanted to be president
Simon responded "I love buzz, buzz, and I have proven
my worthy at glug, glug, glug." Simon's first order of
business as president would be to revamp the music
department in order to institute a Bachelor of Bodily
Residents of Totem park fully back Simon as a candidate
because they would like to be able to finally have a
president that doesn't use big words such as
'disappointment', 'enchanted' and 'the.' One resident
approached by a reporter seemed thrilled at the idea of a
president who made a lot of sounds. The resident then
warned the reporter, "run away now or we will hump
you!" Confused, our reporter left immediately. (Editor's
note: silly reporter! Totem residents are for kids!)
Also in the running is current AMS President Spencer
Keys. When asked about the potential conflict of interest
of being on the presidential search committee and on the
committee list, Keys replied "conflict of interest be
damned, the students want more Spencer, baby!" Having
finally won an election, Keys is looking to enter another
hopeless political campaign. Keys committed further to
the race when he learned that Jerry Fan (aka Fan Fan) was
also in the running for UBC President. "If the Fan loses
another race he will tie my record! I can't afford to have
him lose unless I lose too," said Keys.
One presidential search committee member was an avid
fan of Smallville and suggested Tom Welling as a candidate for UBC president. "He fits all the requirements," she
said, "he is always on campus filming and he's just
dreamy." When asked why Kristin Kreuk could not fit the
role instead of Tom Welling, this committee member
replied, "She looks way better than me. We can't have that
now, can we?"
Svend Robinson was also suggested as a potential
candidate but was summarily discarded amid fears that
the cassette recorder in the clock tower and
Millennial Time Machine would 'mysteriously' disappear
immediately after his instatement as president.
The Republican party of the United States of America is
looking for a new candidate as George Bush is no longer
eligible for re-election. The party has announced that the
runner up for the UBC President search will be named as
a candidate in the next American election as the
Republican frontrunner, provided they sign off on a list of
opinions including being against abortions, being pro-
gun, and believing in unicorns. Understandably, this has
created a stir within the Democrats, who have already
written to Spencer Keys to take a hit and deliberately try
to come in second. Democrat party official Robert Morge
claimed that "after our resounding success with losing to
Bush in the last two elections despite obvious difficulty,
we felt that only someone with Mr. Keys' track record
would be able to pull off another loss."
On the topic of Republicans, a surprise contestant
emerged last week as the familiar face of Arnold
Schwarzenegger began creeping up on posters, flyers and
other pieces of propaganda. The Governator released an
audio statement on all major file-sharing networks, which
simply says: "I'm sick and tired of Cauli-phonia. It's time
for me to go way North and fix a university using my pah-
tended Governatoring tactics! I have reduced taxes and
the energy crisis is almost gone here in my home state
thanks to my bravery and good looks. As president of
UBC, I will look powerful wearing a gown to formal
events, and I will get a chance to flex my huge biceps for
all the stoo-dents!"
Most students remain skeptical, partly because most
students do not know who Martha Piper is, or why she
would be retiring. However, these same students have
realized that Spencer Keys IS in fact running for a political
position once more, and they realize that UBC is going to
change dramatically whether he wins or loses. Bearing this
in mind, they have promised to track the elections carefully. Some have even gone far enough to say that they are
strong left-wing muppet supporters or right-wing Fan Fan
fans. Then again, promising and performing in an election
are two different things.
15th November 2005
Volume Nineteen
Issue Five
14 November 2005
Death Stars
Varun Ramraj
Colleen Atherton
Dan Anderson
Princess Leia's Gold Bikini
Lik Hang Lee
Imperial Star Destroyers
Chris Baitz
Nicholas Gurewitch
Paul Lu
Andrew Pare
Jen Ross
Eric Tong
Lily Yuan
All the contest entrants!
X-Wing Fighters
Patricia Lau
Kiran Bisra
Cameron Funnell
Jamil Rhajiak
Lik Hang Lee
Sean Kearney
Reka Pataky
Lisa Frey
World Devastator
Horizon Pub, Vancouver, BC
Legal Information
The 432 is produced by a posse of
dragons (with a lot of gold) in the
IFPO, a cave made of silicates,
located deep in the heart of the
fiery basement of the Student Union
Buliding. All views expressed in this
issue are strictly those of the individual writers, and as such are not
the responsibility of The 432, The
Science Undergraduate Society, or
the Faculty of Science. Writers and
cartoonists are encouraged to submit their material to the 432. Submissions must make the editor
chuckle at least thrice, and must
contain the author's name and contact information - under penalty of
death by head biting!
We would like to encourage reader
feedback, though whether it makes
us happy or sad depends largely on
how drunk we are. And remember:
If you haven't got anything nice to
say, say it anyway because it would
be fun to watch you get chased
down Main Mall by an irate reader.
Contact us at: the432@gmail.com
I taste like burning...
"Every Punani has a Story."
Varun Ramraj
The night is dark. I watch my alarm
clock (with silent-sweep second
hand (TM)) brush quietly the "12."
Three o'clock. Yet it is night, I kid not. Outside it is cloudy, rainy, and just plain dismal. Worse, there is no love lost between
Chemistry 233 and myself. After having
our latest fight, we are spending a couple
of hours away from each other. She is not
putting any effort into this relationship. It's
all up to me! My mind follows a certain
train of thought.
"It's true, for most males in university, the
only cleavage they get close to is the one
dividing a textbook in half. Similarly,
astronomers get to spend time with a lot of
heavenly bodies; unfortunately, mostly by
peeping through their telescopes (oh, you
voyeurs!). Sadly for me, I am both a student and an amateur astronomer!" Filled
with such dreary emotions, I accidentally
fall off my bed. Slightly rattled, and feeling
rather sick in my sinuses, I stand up weakly and flick open my laptop. I have been
blessed with a Dell Inspiron 9100, which
weighs as much as Goliath, has enough
processing power to compete with Deep
Blue and Deep Thought (but it still cannot
provide the Question to the Answer to
Life, the Universe, and Everything), and
has enough fans to easily render a small
aircraft airborne. Right on cue, these turbo-
jets activate as my screen flickers to life.
My laptop sounds like a wind tunnel now.
However, this wind tunnel has a small
orange "MSN Conversation" icon blinking
in the Taskbar (TM) (yes, I do use Linux as
well, but it does not help when my laptop
locks up as the processor overheats during
»"j» 'ft** \'t VriTvlV
Avian: 100% Pure Filtered Air!
This is a new and exciting
product from the Coca-Cola
company, the same company
that makes Evian, the great
filtered tapwater product.
Now you'll never have to wonder about whether or not you
can get a breath of fresh air,
with this New Jersey-bottled
filtered air!
the Linux boot sequence). I stare at this
icon for a while. Hey, at least it is not jumping up and down like a prostitute trying to
attract a potential client's attention (sorry,
Apple). Still, the orange blinking seems a
bit slutty, even by Microsoft standards,
and therefore it has captured my attention.
I click, and wait, as my computer fires up
its afterburners for the transition into
supersonic speeds.
It is a friend. He has suggested a website
for my perusal. "Hey Varun, go check this
out: www.sloganizer.net/en." I follow his
instructions like a sick puppy, lost for ideas
involving creativity, fun, study, or even
The site is mostly white and orange (as of
November 2005, hey, we all know that
stylesheets and layouts can change). It has
a simple text box with a big "Sloganize!"
button that one should press after entering
a word or phrase of their choice. The site
claims that "you'll create the perfect slogan
from a keyword of your choice within seconds. Usually the slogan will be just what
you were looking for!" Oh really? Let's give
that a shot. I quickly type 'punani,' a word
inspired by women, the West Indies, and
Russell Peters (who is incidentally very
brown. Represent!). Upon "sloganizing" a
few times, I obtain the following results:
"Every punani has a story."
"Punani never lies."
"Everyone loves punani."
"Jesus loves punani." (<— hey it's only a
random quote generator without religious
views whatsoever. Don't shoot the messenger!)
"Make the world a better place with
"Punani is a female force." (<— "chuckle*)
After ROFL'ing around for a while, I type
in "pincushion" just for a change of pace:
"Pincushion   evolution."    (<—   brownie
points from me!)
"Have a break, have a pincushion."
Trying a brand name instead, I attempt
"I'd sleep with Ferrari." (<— this site is pure
Here are some cause-and-effect tips I have
picked up after using the site extensively to
spice up some essays:
1) Effect: Crass, dirty, sleazy words seem
to produce better quotations.
Cause: Sloganizer.net is a German site.
2) Effect: A lot of the phrase prototypes
are common ones ripped off from multi-
billion dollar companies.
Cause: Sloganizer.net is a German site
and doesn't give a rat's ass about American
conglomerate empires.
3) Effect: The phrase generator seems to
know what kind of word has been entered,
be it place, thing, object or body part.
Cause: Sloganizer.net was created with
Audi-esque sexy German engineering.
In other words, it's a simple, European site
that is free with its body...err, free with
thoughts and ideas that some other civilizations might find disturbing and offensive. It's basically a much less irritating
version of Snoop Dogg's "Shizzolator" that
one can use to translate complete web
pages into the Dogg's spoken word. Better
yet, it seems to have an uncanny ability to
sense the genre of the word or phrase one
enters, and contours the stock phrases
around said input.
After writing this review, I sit back in my
slightly comfortable chair and think to
myself "well that didn't go as badly as I
thought. Back to Chemistry. Seduce me
with your carbohydrates, darling."
Mechanical Objects
Hate Me
Chris Baitz
The Sharpest Tool
Ever notice how urinals decide to
flush when you walk into the bathroom? Or that street lights turn off
on your approach? Or maybe computers
crash when you touch the keyboard? No?
Well I do.
This has plagued me my entire life.
I've seen many therapists over the years,
and they all tell me it's in my head, but
then their lights shut off and we have to
quit until next week. Honestly, it's just
plain annoying. It's like the episode of
Futurama when Bender's thingy keeps
messing with the cable and so he can't
watch "All My Circuits". One day I'd like to
be able to use the instruments that others
use, watch the television shows that others
watch. Hell, my first day at UBC the power
was out for my first 3 classes!
I've tried living in the country or in the
middle of a lake, but it's difficult to get to
either place without using some sort of
mechanics; be it boat or car. In either case,
wherever man goes, so does technology.
Even sex becomes difficult. I mean, seriously, who else gets electrocuted by their
vibrator?! It's still never lived up to the
guarantee on the box: "Electrifying
Orgasms". It has yet to get passed turning
me on!
As it's approaching the time when the
sundial becomes invalid, I should put
down the pencil and paper and pull out
my night time candle to head off to bed.
But for now, keep in mind that taking
advantage of mechanical objects is a privilege, not a right!
Think you have what it takes?
"Want to run UBC for a year?
Nomination Info Sessions for the 2006 AMS Executive Elections
Oj" November 17th at I  pm in the SUB Council Chambers
At the Science Undergraduate Society
^O) November 22nd at Noon in the Cheeze
^""^      At the Engineering Undergraduate Society
^©November 24th at 5:30 pm in the SUB Council Chambers 15th November 2005
Page Three
Dr. Saul Arbess will report on the recent People's
Summit for Departments of Peace in London, UK,
and the progress of the Canadian proposal for a
federal department with responsibility for peace-
building at home and abroad.
Followed by discussion and refreshments.
Thursday, November 17, 2005 at 7:30 pm
Hewett Centre, Unitarian Church Centre,
949 W.49th Ave. at Oak St., Vancouver.
All welcome. Free Parking. No charge.
Or to add your name to the meeting reminder e-
mail list,
contact Larry Kazdan at (604) 874-9982,
or e-mail: lkazdan@shaw.ca.
The World Federalist Movement Canada -Vancouver Branch meets at this location the third Thursday of every month. The general public is cordially
invited to attend.
World Federalists support the development of a
global community based on the rule of law and
democratically accountable international institutions.
Gravity getting you down?
Bacteria weakening your defenses?
Equations got you in a quandry?
y fa
Ethanol will solve all your problems! Procure this
versatile liquid by writting an erotic Haiku and
submitting it to The 432's Erotic Haiku Contest! A lovely
gift basket from the upscale BC Liquor Store will be
awarded for the best erotic haiku.
in out in out in
out in out in out in out
over already?
■ -
rfi -
beautiful pillows
ripe melons hang from soft trees
firm, long,thick,straight rod
a beacon in the cold night
let me hold you tight
penis, vagina
together at last, oh joy!
instant harmony
Send your Erotic Haikus to:
RISE, LORD ZutHUUJ... I WE PLED4H ourservitudeTI Zuthuui ^twft BR*M/E$-Nbg!
1 toYolUoRDZUTHULU.     ' 	
m Page Four
15th November 2005
Higgs Boson finally
discovered, actually a
Andrew Pare
My Private Boson
After billions of dollars and years
of research, physicists
announced Monday that they
had finally discovered direct proof of the
Higgs Boson. This newest subatomic
particle was predicted to be the source of
the Higgs field which permeates the
whole universe and would explain why
particles have mass. Physicists working
out of the CERN facility in Switzerland
also announced that the Higgs particle is
somehow actually a fermion. Particles
are classified as bosons, force carrying
particles, or fermions, the particles
which make up elementary matter. Scientists worldwide are baffled at the
breakdown of the simple classification
system. According to MIT professor
Richard Feynman, "This breakdown of
the laws of physics suggests we are
approaching a black hole." Others suggest that the classifying system should
■ be revised.
In other news, universities worldwide
■ have been swamped by appeals from
students to overturn previous exam
results on the grounds of faulty course
material. Local student Emmett Brown
explains, "Well no wonder I had so
much trouble with Phys 100, mass doesn't even exist, so how can I be expected
to understand forces?" According to his
first year prof "Emmett's comment
shows a fundamental gap in his understanding of Newton's Laws. Part
Star Wars geeks everywhere are once
again disappointed at scientists' failure
to produce evidence that the force does
in fact exist and that the light side is
stronger. This may also explain the sudden rise in internet activity as fans flood
chat rooms to reassure each other. This
new discovery has also prompted fans to
camp outside of Skywalker Ranch to
petition for a new installment to the
series. Conan O'Brien has already dispatched Triumph the insult dog to take
advantage of the situation.
Biological Sciences Society of UBC
Attention Biology GradS
C Mni-CompositB
■a   iiiiuiiiiiiiii
■BIBIir     3EZaflBBflflBBBBBUa
Size of mini-composite: 11 'X14'
Early bird price: $22 only
Before November 30r
Regular price: $25 After November 30
Evangelos price: $25 + tax ($28.50 incl GST & PST)
The first 100 people who purchase the mini-composite
will be automatically entering a draw for a Grad Photo
Portrait Package values $67.95!
Sales take place at Biosoc Office
Biol2408, next to Biol2000
During office hours
Email: biosocgrad@yahoo.ca
Our website: http://www.zoology.ubc.ca/biosoc
Jen Ross & Chris Baitz
Whoring into the night
After the ides of February, birthdays
become inauspicious due to the angry
looking gentleman in large shoes and a
bowler hat who becomes very hostile
whenever he hears poor, repetitive
singing. Why do girls wear pointy toed
shoes? They are stupid and look so
uncomfortable! Seriously, girls lose
points for wearing pointy toed shoes!
With the fourth house of Jupiter entering the second quadrant of this constellation, rainy days are ahead for the unfortunate Sagittarius. It is suggested one
carry an umbrella and rubber galoshes,
though perhaps wearing the galoshes
might be even more effective. These
galoshes will be the only rubbers you
wear this month. Puddle jumping will be
your only source of stimulation next to
Whack-a-Mole until December.
You will be haunted by a member of the
opposite sex wearing red fishnets and the
rest of your "unique" wardrobe. You
should avoid this person at all costs.
When the moon is in the seventh house,
and Jupiter aligns with Mars, the peace
will guide the planets, and love will steer
the stars. This is the dawning of the age
of Aquarius.
I like fish. One fish, two fish, red fish,
blue fish. Many kinds of fish. This does
not mean I like you. I do like 69! That's
what your symbol looks like... hehe... 69.
You will be followed by a rabid raccoon
from the underbelly of Chemistry to the
top of Hebb. Then, suddenly, with no
reason, the raccoon will stop salivating,
turn around, and walk away. You will
not understand this. You will speak to no
one about it.
I ride you like bull! Topless even. Meet
me at the next AgSci Beer garden and
we'll see who rides the beast... err...
best... hehe... 69.
You will be stalked by a hot set of twins.
Be wary, though they may look like
women, they are actually she-males and
only want to tape it and post your amateur video online.
To obtain the affections of a Capricorn,
you should wear red fishnets and pieces
of their wardrobe, and haunt their steps.
Follow him or her determinedly, and
they will come to see your true beauty.
I knew a guy named Leo. I think he is
going to be in a movie soon. Maybe you
will too! Other than that, check your fly
constantly. Your jeans are plotting
against you.
Sounds like Vertigo. Afraid of heights.
Height is like tallness. Tall is like long.
Women like length. Mmmm... women.
Hook up with a Pisces maybe! And I'm
If this is comprehensible, please realize
that any written visions may be clouded
by alcohol. In any case, I see you making
it big in the near future. You will be on
the news and in commercials and on
posters and the like. Now whether you
make it that way legally or not is another
story, wait and see if you're put in jail
soon after. I don't remember writing this,
does it make sense at all? WTF mate? I'm
sitting on a couch right now.
At last, results and entries for:
"Why is The 432 called The
432?" Contest!
"Where?" you ask? ,—>
(winner announced on back page)
Next 432 Deadline - Last Issue of the Year!
Say HELLO to 2006 in style!
4:32 pm Friday November 25th
Writer's Bloc: Saturday November 26th at 8 pm.
Follow the scent of food and drink to the IFPO, SUB Basement 15th November 2005
Page Five
Why is The 432' called The 4327
Enjoy these submissions, or just turn to the back to find out who the winner is.
-Nineteen years ago, a fresh-faced, eager
student by the name of Dan Anderson
began his first semester at UBC. Vancouver
was a world apart from his hometown of
Stumpfuck Alabama, and Dan was determined to prove to everyone that this
young 'carpetbagger' could excel in science. He studied late into the night in the
science lounge. Dan was a very organized,
clean student who frequently complained
of the level of cleanliness in the lounge. His
complaints usually ended with the phrase
'The floor's dirty, too'. With his southern
drawl, it sounded like 'Flah stirty too'. This
became a running joke within the council.
Any messes or spills became known as
'432s'. At the first newspaper meeting later
that year, Dan showed up, eager to display
his writing talent. As soon as Dan sat
down, the newspaper committee immediately realized that there was only one possible name for their paper. It became forever known as The 432.
-The average length of time that the original staff of this paper went without sex
was 432 days. Thus, the staff members
would often count down the days, and
when they got close to finishing off the legendary "The 432" days, they knew that
they would be close to getting some again.
-Traditionally, the newspaper staff would
skip the beginning of their 4 pm lectures
and instead get together and smoke a 4:20
joint. The time that they walked red-eyed
into their lectures was at 4:32
-The number of seconds an editor of the
432 gets to sleep a night during deadline
season week
-Only 4.32 x 10A5 brain cells were fried in
the making of this publication - not that
anyone's counting or anything
-432 - the number of monkeys it would
take to write an issue of the 432, note that
it's a lot fewer than that which would write
Shakespeare, which is an infinite number
given an infinite amount of time, that's forever just in case you didn't know. (Actual -
ly, it would be in finite time, but that's being
nitpicky. -ed)
-The number of emails sent out to elicit
one article in The 432
-The number of sperm any man working
at Triumf has
-The number of men to every one woman
in Engineering
-How much woodchuck chucks if a wood-
chuck chucks wood
-Oh come on that's too easy....
-Dick Clark's real age
-The sum total IQ of the entire US population
-The amount of money, in dollars, Martha
Piper makes per day during the hours she
is awake
-432 grams of "Mary Jane" are smoked
during the publication of every 432
-The number of times the Editor laughed
at the comment "69"
-432 million brain cells lost by reading this
-The dollar figure of the bribe paid to SUB
security in order to let the editors stay in
the publishing office after the sub closes to
finish each issue
-Number of votes the RBF got in its first
year as a slate
-Past editors were really drunk while trying to come up with a name. After much
drunken debate, someone hit random keys
on a keyboard. Then, through drunken stu
por, said "Hey! Look at this!" Everybody
else was so drunk that they all thought 432
was a revelation from the publication gods
-4:32 am is the time the original editors
gave up trying to find a name for this publication.
-4:3:2 is the ratio of pineapple juice : Mal-
ibu rum : creme de bananae liquor in the
original editor's favourite drink.
-432 is the number of gentlemen currently
trying to woo the publication's Editrix
-The answer is 42.
- 432 is the area code for the Odessa region
of Texas and we all know how much people love Odessa
-Because 321 is too obvious a choice for a
newspaper name
-432 AD was the momentous year St.
Patrick arrived in and brought beer to Ireland
-The drunken authors of the original
newspaper thought UBC was located at
the 432nd latitude
-432 is the Dewey decimal system number
for those National Geographic magazines
with all the naked tribal women
-432 Mhz was the speed of the 432's first
-432 is the CAS registry number for
-432 degrees Celcius is the sublimation
temperature for cheese
-432 is the sum of four consectutive
primes, 103, 107, 109,113
-Martha Piper's age when The 432 was
-43x2 = 86 which is the year the year the
publication was started
-Number of times Monty Python's Holy
Grail was referenced during the first publication of The 432
-4x32 = 128 which is equal to 2.
-Number  of  stones  carried  during  the
Great Trek of 1922
-4:3:2 is the ideal ratio of women: vibrators: men for the original 432 editors
-The combined number of times the
orginal editors had seen Star Wars: A New
-234 was the name of a bicycle company,
and the editors sure did like to ride the village bicycle who often parked herself at
Totem Park...
-432 The number of times you need to
rape a goat before becoming a full-fledged
member of Delta Gamma Beta, the secret
publishing fraternity.
-432 The number of elements that are not
in the Periodic Table.
-432 The number of hairs on the right testicle of the original editor.
-432 The number of girls the original editor had to ask before gaining acceptance
for a date.
-432 x 10 = 4320 The number of dates
before the original editor had sex.
-43.2 The original editor's academic average after handwriting a few issues due to a
broken typewriter (the 'geers store the letter 'e'!).
UBC Physics Society and Engineering
Physics Undergraduate Society
Presents ...
Visit us at:
With your
favourite professors
Physsoc & FIZZ
cP W
Meet the professors!
Network with researchers!
Mingle with friends!
tSt Biephgsics
Sunday Nov. 20td, 3-5<m
8730 Heather St., Vancouver
$8 for non-members
d^kcLy qA&u. 25, 2005
5 Awt fa> 7 Am
Wine, cheese, and other refreshments provided*.
<f Come pin us at our traditional social event
4fr Learn to pky the Canadian sport
4p Have lots of fun and unwind after midterms
Questions, RSVP, etc.
News, events, inio @ www.pnysics.uDc.ca/~Diopnys
"A Dick in Hand is worth two in the Bush." -Editoracle
(at least when Cheney is actually around and not hiding somewhere.)
What did you think I was talking about you sick monkey? Page Six
15th November 2005
Once upon a
Chicken Little
Eric Tong
Theatre Rooster
Being a long time Disney fan and loving The Incredibles and Lilo & Stitch,
I had high hopes for Chicken Little
and this movie definitely fulfilled them.
The movie had many subtle pop culture
references, like crop circles and the high
reproductive rate of rabbits, which may be
foreign to the kids, but the adults definitely caught on to them as there was a lot of
laughter around the theatre; my own
I particularly liked the inclusion of many
different famous pop songs in the movie;
they definitely added life to the movie and
amused the parents. Having always been
a little shorter than my friends and sporting glasses that were as big as my face, I
can really relate to Chicken Little, especially when he was trying to access his locker,
it was like a deja-vu for me back in high
school! The goofy movements and silly little mishaps that our little hero and his
friends seem to fall into were definitely a
crowd pleaser for the children also.
At times, Chicken Little's adventures also
got me on the edge of me seat! Everybody
loves a cute love story, so the build up to
that sub plot and the final kisses exchange
between Abby and Chicken Little and
Runt and Foxy were definitely a great climax and a pleasant surprise. Disney is also
very good at bringing out different morals
to encourage kids to never give up, like
Chicken Little at the baseball game and of
course, the family aspect of the movie was
also very sweet and touching.
Overall, I think that the movie not only
made the kids laugh, but it also kept the
parents from being bored. Chicken Little
left a great impression in my mind, and
was not a movie that was easily forgettable. It was able to instill several catchy
lines in my head and I will be quoting
them for quite awhile. I will absolutely recommend it for anyone and would also love
to see it again!
What the fuck was that? Man, I have great
respect for Mr. Tong, but I hope to high hell
that he's trying to be sarcastic in there. Some -
times you just can't tell...
Jen Ross
Theatre Phantom
An exciting, edge-of-your seats, documentary-style film set in 2432 AD,
Supernova Apocalypse tells the
story of a young humanitarian named
Stacey Wilson, played by newcomer Penelope Scott, who is visiting the outer reaches of the galaxy to bring much-needed
relief to the starving Euformians. While
visiting Skatoviae, Stacey discovers a dead
body. And then another. It soon becomes
clear that there is someone or something
killing the Skatovians. Hero Goyung Saliza
(played by another newcomer, Phillip Wal-
lis) soon joins the scene, as he tries to protect Stacey from discovering the gruesome
The movie is a perfect harmony of action,
thriller and comedy genres, with a few ten
der moments thrown in to win over any
female viewers. There is plenty of blood,
guts, guns and 25th century weaponry, a
small amount of martial arts, and a generous slice of lemon. And, like Chicken Little, the final kisses bring a great climax, but
this time on-screen.
An all-star musical score accompanies the
poignant imagery, featuring such varied
artists as Elton John, Fifty Cent, Green Day,
the Beach Boys and Hot, Hot Heat. The
soundtrack alone is worth watching the
movie for.
Supernova Apocolypse is this season's
must-see movie - it's definitely time to
break out the movie gift-certificate's Aunt
Martha got you for your birthday, ladies
and gents.
Apocalypse,"   playing   in
theatres now.
OK, so I know this one is sarcastic. For
starters, Jen has good taste in music, and "all-
star" hardly descripbes Fifty Cent.
The Wacky World
of the AMS
Reka Pataky
AMS Rep. Extraordinaire
AMS Council met on Wednesday,
November 9th, for our second-last
meeting of the term. The agenda
consisted mostly of presentations and
updates on past projects, plus a lengthy
discussion on how to make meetings more
efficient and less... lengthy.
The first presentation was on the UBC
Endowment fund, but no one had the balls
to make a joke about how well-endowed
the University is right now. Haha, zing!
The second presentation of the evening
was the annual report from
studentcare.net/works, the group that provides the AMS/GSS Health and Dental
Plan. Claims awarded last year were
lower than expected, meaning that for the
first time in ages benefits can actually be
added to the program. Unfortunately, as
we were infomed in the annual report,
drugs for erectile disfunction still don't
appear to be covered. Better luck next year,
Council was also updated on the recent
fundraising initiatives undertaken by the
AMS. Shinerama in September succeeded
in raising $13,684.30 for cystic fibrosis
research, with over 450 students participating in Shine Day and other events. The
Halloween Trick-or-Eat campaign was also
extremely successful, with over 300 volunteers going door to door and collecting
over 7000 lbs of food for the AMS and Vancouver Food Banks.
In SUB news, styrofoam alternatives are
now available upon request in all SUB
businesses. Be sure to ask for them the
next time you get your food to go. Save
the world and puppies and sunshine and
stuff! Also coming soon in the SUB are
new curtains for the Ballroom (see Jon Lam
if you're interested in signing a petition to
have them made out of burlap by student
Important issues that the AMS will be
dealing with in the future include looking
at the proposal for next year's tuition
increase (likely another 2% like this year...)
and attempting to reform AMS Committee
and Council structure to make us more
effective. Plus it hasn't changed in, like,
The next AMS Council meeting will be
held Wednesday, November 23rd, at 6:00
in SUB Council Chambers. As always, this
meeting will be open to anyone who'd like
to attend. And there'll be sandwiches, or
maybe even pizza. Feel free to contact me
at repataky@interchange.ubc.ca (or any
other AMS Councilor) with any questions
or concerns regarding AMS issues!
AMS issues include: why you can't get a
date, how to get a date, whether any of the
AMS councillors will go on a date with you,
how to ask someone on a date, what to do to
get someone to ask you on a date, what is
appropriate behaviour on a date, and how to
conceal a chainsaw.
What"thm ——*!ier like
on nu ZUU458D?
Probing exoplanets with Canada's first space telescope
Dr. Jaymie Matthews, Mission Scientist of the MOST Space Telescope Project,
and Associate Professor Department of Physics & Astronomy
The MOST (Microvariability & Oscillations ofSTars) mission was launched in June 2003,
and in more than three years in space, has more than doubled its planned mission
lifetime and exceeded its expected scientific productivity by far. MOST puts stars on 24-
hour-per-day "stakeouts", monitoring their brightness variations to a precision no other
instrument on Earth or in space can match. The MOST space telescope (designed and
largely built here in this Department) has been used to study the reflectivity of the giant
planet orbiting the Sun-like star HD 209458. Its results are telling us what the
atmosphere and clouds are like on a planet we cant even see, orbiting a star 160 light
years away.
Wednesrfa" Nnvember 23,5 PM
lib        **ja<.ui
Write for us...or we will eat your
children. Send your entries to:
the432@gmail.com 15th November 2005
Page Seven
A Few SUSt Bunnies
Patricia Lau
Time is passing by way too quickly!
We are almost half way through the
year and weeks away from final
exams. If, however, you'd like a break from
all that studying, you should consider joining a SUS Committee. Check out
www.sus.ubc.ca, under the "society" tab
for more info!
Last week I met with our Dean Pro Tern,
Dr. Ingram, for the first time. Our meeting
went very well and I am very pleased to let
you all know that Dr. Ingram is a very student oriented administrator. I look forward to working with him this year! The
Student Advisory Committee to the Dean
will be meeting this week so, once again, if
you have any concerns, questions or comments for the Dean, or anyone in the
Dean's  office,   direct  them  my  way  at
Kiran Bisra
VP Internal
So, what did I do for the past two weeks
for SUS? For the undergraduate science
students of UBC? For the Imperial
Alliance? What did I organize, work on, or
fuck up?
1. First Year Committee: We've met a
number of times now, and I have finished
endearing myself to them. I will continue
inflicting pain and torture on the first years
until they finally brake down and agree to
do my bidding. The squirrels will rule UBC
before I'm done in office and the FYC will
commence the uprising!
2. Ethanol: I'm sure it went well, but with
all the booze I jacked from Kearney, the
dear, I don't remember a thing! From what
I hear, we didn't make the goal profit, but
I'm sure my alcohol stash wasn't worth
much more than $1000.
3. Internal Matters: My belly has been
upset since I ate that country... um China I
think it was called. I'm looking forward to
my feast next week on other communist
has beens: next on the list... RUSSIA!
4. Exec Report: I used my entire SUS budget to hire a team of monkeys, or Hkin students, to write it so that I could spend time
complaining about lack of study time.
Unfortunately, the monkeys got their own
degrees and surpassed me academically,
pwlau@interchange.ubc.ca and I will be
sure to bring them up
I am also currently working on a few
inter-faculty initiatives this term. Land and
Food Systems is collaborating with Science
to put on their annual Career Fair in February, and this year, several undergraduate societies, including Commerce, Arts
and Science are teaming up to create a
brand new Entrepreneurship Conference
for several hundred students next term.
The AMS is also working on creating new
academic policies. SUS Council has been
actively engaging in academic policy discussions so if you have any comments
about how you'd like to see your academic
experience change and improve, email
sus@interchange.ubc.ca with your feedback.
And, lastly, if you missed out on attending Ethanol, you missed a rocking time. So,
don't forget about SCIENCE WEEK in January and Cold Fusion, our massive, end of
the week, concert celebration.
while the Hkin students spent all their
money on alcohol and prostitutes and I
had to write this myself. Looks like SUS is
going to be funding another one of my
drinking binges.... hehe.Please send any
concerns, comments, or questions to
Lisa Frey
Minutes and Agendas of SUS
Council Meetings can now be
found in the Council Tab of our
website: www.sus.ubc.ca. If you'd like to
see something discussed at a council meeting or a motion brought forward, email me
before Monday night to see your motion or
discussion item appear on that Thursday's
You can reach me at lisa.frey@gmail.com.
Dan Anderson
Faking It
Hey hey! So, I'm not an exec.
Haven't been for years! Don't particularly want to be one. But! But
but but (cf. "butt butt butt") I feel like writing something here anyways. This space is
always filled with barely-legible, vaguely
interesting stuff (if you're the type to find
staring at grass interesting, that is - and no,
that one time you got totally fucked on
'shrooms with your rezmates and were all
like "wow, the grass is like alive, man, but
we walk on it every day, like we don't even
care about it" doesn't count.) So I figured,
hey, I can do that! Whups. I'm out of space.
Sean Kearney
Social Co-ordinator
ot much to say this time, except:
Look forward to Cold Fusion at the end of
Science Week and does anybody want to
do a Science club night / pub crawl next
term? Let me know!
Jamil Rhajiak
Director of Sports
So, I suppose it's time for another exec
report, well have I got one hell of a
report for you, AND another trivia
For the exec report part:
at 5pm! This awsome race/scavenger hunt
is for FIRST YEARS ONLY! This is an
awsome way to win some cool stuff.
-I've sent the sports rebates and they're
Cameron Funnell
My beloved curriculum committee
has been keeping busy as of late.
There have been a plethora of
mundane (i.e. correction of grammatical
errors) as well as slightly less mundane
(i.e. creation of new courses) changes to
the UBC calendar. One of the more controversial issues is the proposed creation of a
"Course-based Master of Food Science
Degree Program".   The impetus to
create the program has come from Can-
Zhong, a Chinese company which specializes in finding graduate school opportunities for Chinese students. There is a
strong demand in China for people with an
advanced knowledge of international
food regulations. It is expected that (at
least initially) most of the 25 students in
the 14 month program would be international students from China. Can-Zhong
has assured UBC that they could advertise
the program in China and find at least 25
qualified applicants. (Note that UBC
would have the sole authority to admit students.) International tuition would be
about US$25,000, and UBC would pay
Can-Zhong 10% of the tuition fee for each
successful candidate introduced to UBC by
Can-Zhong. It seems kind of shady at first
glance. At least that's what I thought...
But I was reassured by the fact that domestic students could apply as well (though
supposedly the domestic demand demand
for such a program is not very high) and
students in China could apply without
going through Can-Zhong.   Also, the pro-
Lik Hang Lee
D. of Publications
I am currently wasted out of my mind.
The world is beautiful and I have no
clue where I am. That looks like the Pit!
Mmm...babes... Oh yeah, question for my
loyal readers, where do I buy beer?
It's been a busy week for publications
with work on both the 432 and the Paradigm. I hope you take the time to pick up
available for pickup at the AMS finance
office upstairs in the SUB.
CHEER! Something catchy, quick and with
some sharp wit attatched to it. If you have
any ideas email them to me at
jrhajiak@interchange.ubc.ca and the best
entry will win a prize!
And now for the contest part:
In what Bryan Adams song is there, "no
use in complaining when you've got a job
to do" ?...I know, I know...this one is EASY
but hey...enter and you could win stuff!
And if you were wondering, the answer
from last issues question was "Pretty
Young Thing".
gram does have its benefits. Increased
enrollment would allow Food Science
courses currently offered in alternate years
could be offered every year, allowing
research graduate students greater access
to required courses. There's a lot more to it
than this (21 pages to be precise). If you
want to learn more or let me know what
you think, send me an email.
In other news, the Faculty of Science Curriculum committee has finished their Fall
2005 proposals and they have been sent up
to the Senate Curriculum committee to
look over before they are voted on in Senate. The most notable proposition is to
change promotion requirements. Currently there are a set of guidelines laid out in
the UBC Calendar as to what is required to
be promoted from one year to the next.
The Faculty of Science wants to make these
requirements somewhat more rigorous.
For example: currently to be promoted to
second year, one must complete 18 credits,
12 or more of them first year science credits, within a maximum of 60 credits
attempted. It is proposed that this be
changed to 24 credits, 12 or more of them
first year science credits, within 48 credits
attempted. Senate Curriculum Committee
has yet to discuss the proposed changes,
but I foresee a bit of controversy over some
things. I'll keep you posted.
Man that was boring eh? Like, who actually read all that? Nerd. Ooh, and assuming you read this in time, Senate is meeting
Wednesday November 16th from 5:00-
9:30 in Room 102 of the Curtus building.
Come on out, it's good times.
Need anything? Want someone to talk
to? Email me at
both of our fine publications and indulge
in both reality and the imagination! This
upcoming council meeting, we'll be having
discussions as to how we can improve SUS
Publications and student readership. If
you have any ideas, we would very much
like you to come and share your opinions
at the SUS council meeting (Thurs. Nov 17
at 1pm in the SUB council chambers), or
email them to me at
likhanglee@gmail.com. We need YOUR
input to guide the future of YOUR publications.
Shit happens. Monkeys throw it.
the future is undetermined 15th November 2005
Page Eight
Houseowner Grows Great Wood
Lily Yuan
Eyes on the prize
The Penis Trees, also known as Cock-
wood Trees or Phallic Bushes, are
most definitely made known to anyone who has been in a vehicle with me driving to or from UBC and the North Shore.
These aberrations of the botanical norm are
found on the intersection of Point Grey
Road and Stephen's Street and derive their
name from the fact that that they are
shaped in the amazing likeness of the male
genitalia. In layman's terms: they look like
giant penises. This row of about 10 large
woody bushes thrusts upward into the
sky, while two rounded bulges erupt out
of the base of each long evergreen. It's nuts,
really, how funny it is to see them for the
first time. As far as the best knowledge
provides, it is still unknown whether or
not the owner of the property is aware that
she has multiple massive cocks in her
lawn. Then again, maybe she knows and
likes it that way too.
Goodness gracious, great balls of flammable plant matter!
Another money shot of the penis trees
And now, your "Why is The 432 called
The 432?" Contest Winner is:
The winning entry:
Nineteen years ago, a fresh-faced, eager student by
the name of Dan Anderson began his first semester at
UBC. Vancouver was a world apart from his hometown of Stumpfuck Alabama, and Dan was determined to prove to everyone that this young 'carpetbagger' could excel in science. He studied late into
the night in the science lounge. Dan was a very organized, clean student who frequently complained of the
level of cleanliness in the lounge. His complaints usually ended with the phrase 'The floor's dirty, too'. With
his southern drawl, it sounded like 'Flan stirty too'.
This became a running joke within the council. Any
messes or spills became known as '432s'. At the first
newspaper meeting later that year, Dan showed up,
eager to display his writing talent. As soon as Dan sat
down, the newspaper committee immediately realized
that there was only one possible name for their paper.
It became forever known as The 432.
Congratulations Colin, and thanks to
everyone who entered!
And a note: this isn't the real reason! Dan's been around for a
while, but not for that long! The true reason is: (drumroll please)...
not told to anyone who is not a 432 editor! Sorry, folks! Keep
those contest entries coming - get your haikus in soon!
-Paul Lu
My answer was no where near
that, but I'm going to nod
I checked with everyone    maat  a rejief     in &3reement anyways m a
else.       We all     A/^~*~\ J^~~~^s~r     desperate attempt  to hide
got that answeri \*   )   / \my awkward^ shame!
Cfi?' Jw\
i<     \
»V &,^$
That test was horrible!    Like 50
minutes^pt humiliating unlubricated
i   sodomy!    Do' you know
A what I mean?!
i . • f/     x
-J-\    iincbmfortable
I can't believe I got
B8Z on  that  exam...
That's so depressing


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