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Array theUbyssex
Wednesday, March 24,1993
Volume 4, Number 32
YOU WILL BE ASSIMILATED
RESISTANCE IS FUTILE AH,    SCREW    THE    ADVERTISERS
Introductory S/M glossary
S/M: means never having to say you're sorry.
Cattle Prod: Tender love instrument to be
employed just after kissing, petting, hugging, just
before clubbing to unconsciousness.
Black & Decker™ Workmate: Love Seat for
two.
Black & Decker™ Table Saws: Foreplay.
Dremel #3 Burl Scraper: Sort of like Magic
Fingers, but different.
Pow: To be struck hard.
Sock: To be struck hard again.
OW!: Expression of discomfort.
AAAIEEEEEEEEE!: Expression of further
discomfort.
Shut up, you worml: Rebuttal to
AAAAAIEEEEE.
Safeword: A code word mutually agreed on by all
parties involved in the scene. This word can be
used to stop a scene and is usually NOT the words
"stop" or "no." An example is "Sir, we're going to
have to ask you to leave the restaurant if you keep
doing that."
Bondage: Physical Confinement with a martini,
shaken, not stirred.
Trip: more foreplay.
Fisting: Insertion of the hand or arm into a body
orifice.
Footing: Insertion of the foot into a body orifice,
usually a mouth (cf. Electric Limos For The
People).
Criminal Code: Something to watch out for now
and again. .
Ellen/^A/.'Usually a damned fine safeword. I
mean, we do have our limits, you know...
r
i.
A Brief Word About Those
Assholes In Student Council
Student Council ruthlessly crushed a motion before it to discuss
autonomy for the Ubyssex, opting instead to consider ways to fix the
problems with it while keeping it an AMS publication. What a bunch
of censoring oppressive shitheads.
Another motion to supplement the Ubyssex operating budget with
an additional $4000 also failed, despite running the risk of reducing
the paper to eight-page issues. (We need the money. It's not our
fault the AMS can't get any ads for us.)
 I
THE UBYSSEX IS A FOUNDING MEMBER OF THE CAMBODIAN UNIVALENT PRESS   ..,».«.
The Ubyssex is published sometime between the Ides of March and the Summer Solstice by the Alma Mating Society of the
University of New Caledonia. Editorial opinions are those of no one in particular, since half the time we can't figure out who
wrote what anyway, and they are not necessarily those of the University administration, the sponsor, or of any significant
proportion of the population whatsoever. Editorial Department, phone 822-3818; advertising 822-4235; FAX 822-3134.
Yukie Kamikaze had just downed her last swig of Coors Light when Rick Q-Bert approached with another refill. "You know," he
said, "this decadent capitalist lifestyle is really beginning to grow on me." "I know what you mean," said a passing Frances
Forehead, resplendent in the latest seal coat from Pappas Furs. "In fact, I was just saying to Spam Paul, as he had the valet get his
BMW, that I'm thinking of leaving my journalistic days behind and going into business selling Mary Kay cosmetics with Sam
Greed." Paul Dayglo, who had just exited his helicopter after a weekend trip to survey his slash-and-burn beef farms in Brazil,
ordered Paula Wellfare to go back to the chopper and brurg bint Gucci shoes and his copy of B.C. Report. She grovelled and
complied, muttering that when her former lover Lupo van Earsschot was released from jail (where he had been sent after his role
as the mastermind behind the U.S. S&L scandal was revealed), she would have her revenge by staging a hostile takeover of the
international conglomerate Dayglo ran with Degrease Woodley and a small group of Mafia dons. Dan Loonier watched it all on
closed-circuit TV from within his secret inner sanctum, where he, Rebecca Washedup, and Chung Wrong plotted to drive the rest
of the group out of their porn shop business by the end of the fiscal year. They noticed in the background the vague forms of Bill
Doobie, Janice Boiled, Aaron Baked and Dono Kitchen waving placards and shouting slogans. "Bloody pinkos," said Washedup.
"Let's release the hounds."
editors
Paula Wellfare • Lupo van Earsschot • Yukia Kamikaze • Sam Greed • Frances Forehead
Letters
We don't have a letters policy. We aorta make it up as we go. Got a problem with that? Y"know, imitiation is usually the sincerest form of flattery. Usually.
Talk about a Forum
for discussion...
I have never written to a paper
like this before, but I have to tell
everybody about the fantastic
experience I had last night! First
let me explain that I have the top
apartment in a 3-unit condominium where the other tenants
are half a dozen stewardesses
with KLM (Dutch Airlines).
Well, it all started when I
thought I was the only person
home, because they are almost
always flying to or from some
exotic city, and so I was naked
as usual, when the doorbell rang
and Heidi was at the door asking
to borrow a cup of cream...huh?
Whaddya mean they won't print
any more? Well I thought this
was the sort of thing they wanted, I mean just LOOK at the
other issues! So why would they
choose not to print this submission? Oh, I see. No, the
polaroids didn't really turn out
too good.
Graeme Kennedy
Biochemistry 2
So, you come
here often?
I can't tell you how much I love
your paper. I read every issue
again and again. Did I mention
that the editors are excellent and
good looking and that the paper
should be autonomous. Just a
thought.
Luke van Isn'tchot
History.
Autonomy rules!       This Guy's An Idiot
I don't know if you get enough
letters complimenting your fine
work and dedication to student
interest stories and general
newsworthiness. Kudos!
Frances Forehead
History. Soon.
Hm. Sounds kinda
redundant.
Just a note to let you know that
we in Psych 366 just love your
paper. We find it to be indispen-
sible as a strong and absorbant
liner for our rat cages, and really
couldn't do without. In fact,
your paper is cheaper than commercial liners and has been
responsible for many dollars of
savings to our department. One
interesting note, however. We
have noticed a curious increase
in the gnawing activity of some
of the female rats since the middle of February, and we suspect
that the placing of your paper in
view under the cages may be
somehow related. Nevertheless,
we believe that we have found
an excellent use for the paper,
and request that all copies not
picked up be directed to Kenny
Building in the future.
Michel Roden
Psychology 7,
Good luck on your pursuit of
autonomy! We're behind you all
ths way!
'Honest' Al Braumeister.
Al, Guido, Lefty and Smoot,
Auctioneers and Liquidators.
Can you hold the
line for a sec?
I £im writing to commend you
for introducing phone sex as a
healthy alternative to the bar
scene. I myself much prefer
phone sex and can say that the
only difficulty encountered is
getting the receiver out. (I'm
just kicking myself for having  •
gone cellular.) I look forward to
residing your next issue, and
have included my number to
receive further information
regarding this subject, so call
me.
Please. I love getting calls.
Jase Andersson
Physics 3, soon History.
Yes Ma'am!
Yes Ma'am!
I am writing to complain about
the; consistent request for 'submissions' from writers. In future
I would appreciate your asking
for 'dominations'.
A.Femme
Women's Studies, Swahilian
Literature 3.
I read with dismay your article
on using potatoes in masturbation ("Spuds Are Better Than
Studs," March 9). You did not
provide adequate warning that
you were referring only to
women in the article, and I
know that several of my male
friends have been severely
injured by following the advice
you put forward. It is an outrage
that a so-called student paper
can so thoughtlessly advocate
potentially debilitating procedures without proper disclaimers
to a group which forms nearly
half of the student population at
this university. I would ask that
you please cancel my subscription immediately, and I enclose
a receipt for the three packages
of Polysporin my friends and I
had to purchase after reading
your issue. I expect a rebate.
Kurt Splinesberg
PhD Candidate
Department of Family
Practice
Faculty of Medicine
Fascist Admin Takes
Back the Night
Dear Students, Faculty, and
Staff,
Due to recent provincial
budget cuts, I have asked
Physical Plant to attempt to minimize their utility costs for providing heat, light, and power to
the University in order to prevent unnecessary layoffs. A
study by the $8000-per-hour
consulting firm of Grunk,
Whibble, & Geschkenkner has
revealed that the highest demand
for heat, light, and power is during the night in the winter
months. Unfortunately, this is
also the time period in which
these services are most expensive to provide. Since plenty of
natural light is available during
the day, and the sun provides
heat completely free in the summer months, GW&G has determined that it is most efficient to
provide heat and light between
the hours of 8 a.m. and 5 p.m.
during the summer.
Therefore, Physical Plant
will be switching off all lights at
night, and will only heat campus
buildings between May and
August. It is estimated that the
University will save some $8.5
million in the first year of this
program, which commences
tomorrow. The savings would
be greater except for Essential
Services exemptions from the
heat and light redistribution for
Norman Mackenzie House, the
Old Administration Building,
and the Parking and Security
Offices.
I thank you all for your
cooperation during this trying
time.
David Strangleweigh
President
March 24, 1993
THE UBYSSEX/3 VEHEMENT    SATIRE
A STATE OF EXCOMMUNICATION (SORTA)
Arts Undergraduate Society
God this chair is cold. It's
also hard on the butt. I can't
believe he talked me into this
again. It's easier just to do what
he wants than to listen to him
bitch about how he "services"
me, so if I want equality I should
please him too.
When women talk about
equality I don't think they mean
sitting on a cold leather stool in
front of some guy who gets off
hanging out in candy stores.
I can't believe he actually
bought this soda fountain for
this purpose. He even has those
big old chrome soda dispensers
at the counter, just so he knows
no one will get thirsty, in case I
have the inclination to have a
float, which I don't.
What most people don't
realize about drinking a float is
that it's not easy. It's hard on the
teeth and gums. Besides, a good
float costs a lot of money,
money I don't have to spend on
HIS fetish. Of course he
wouldn't buy one either; he
wants it to be my idea.
Cheapskate!
I can feel it getting sticky.
It started off smooth, but slowly
as I work it in my mouth it gets
sticky. I slowly graze my teeth
along the stick, feeling the texture of compressed paper. My
teeth catch on the top and he
moans. I flick the very tip of my
tongue across the very tip of the
Tootsie-Pop, quickly, back and
forth.
He begins to pant, "Oh
baby, oh babe, c'mon get to the
centre, you know you want to."
You know I want to? Oh
yeah, fuck you! I realize I don't
give a shit how many licks it
takes to get to the centre. I'm not
getting anything but cavities out
of this. I want to get to the
Centre!?
Fuck you "babe"! The
Tootsie-Pop is still in my mouth,
hard as a rock, but I'm not moving, I'm just holding it lightly
between my teeth, sitting there,
waiting, thinking. He looks
across the counter, concerned.
He's not concerned about me, he
doesn't give a shit about me, he
cares about his fucking Tootsie-
Roll centre.
Well, I'll give it to him, I
decide. Then I'll leave and never
come back. It's over.
Before I get a chance to
resume he has the nerve to say,
"Whatsa matter, babe?" I pull
back; it's still hard as a rock. I
wonder what he's fantasizing
about. Not me, I'm pretty sure.
"I was just thinking," I say.
"You're not supposed to
think while we're eating," he
snaps. "Especially not while
having a Tootsie-Pop." I wish I
had gagged him with a piece of
licorice.
Fine, let's just get this over
with. I clamp my lips around the
stick, the lollipop at the back of
my throat.
"That's more like it!" Why
doesn't he just shut up?
It's getting softer now. As I
pull back, I see the Tootsie-Pop,
orange and glistening with saliva. I slide my mouth forward
and suck. I feel like Maggie
Simpson. "Oh yeah babe!
You're almost through! You're
breaking through now!"
Like I care. Just shut up
and keep counting the licks. I
can feel the Tootsie-Roll beginning to emerge on one side, with
my tongue I can feel it. I can
feel the candy coating stretched
tight, I can feel the stick moving
under the surface. I wonder what
paper tastes like. I graze my
teeth against it.
Fuck him! He gets this
pleasure, I get nothing but a sore
butt and a mouthful of gingivitis.
Got No Job?
Got No Money?
A Message from your friends at
UBC Financial Services
Before I know what I'm
doing, my teeth clamp down.
Hard!
This must have forced the
stick loose. Just at that moment
when I can taste paper, I can
taste the Tootsie-Roll at the back
of my throat. I keep clamping
down. His moans have turned to
screams. Loud high screams of
total agony. He is in so much
shock that he can't speak. His
arms and legs strain against the
slippery countertop and his
wrists are bleeding from colliding with the milkshake machine.
I chew on the Tootsie-Roll
much like on a tough piece of
bubble gum. I have to open my
mouth to let the dissolved sugar
ooze out. I open my throat to
swallow some. It tastes warm
and sweet, it tastes like soda
syrup. Orange soda syrup. It
courses down my throat and
oozes down my face.
He has stopped screaming
and twisting. He's gone limp.
The only things holding him up
are the soda fountains caught on
his coat. I rip off what's left of
his mangled Tootsie-Pop and
spit it onto the floor. I look at
him hanging there, cold, grey,
whimpering. I wipe my mouth
on the back of my hand, pick up
his paper soda-jerk hat and wipe
my hands. In case he's still kept
count of the number of licks I
say, "Y'know, I bit half of it off
at the beginning. Your count is
totally wrong."
I walk out and don't make
myself a float on the way. Well,
maybe just one float. I smile and
leave the store. On to a better
dentist.
NOTICE OF
ELECTIONS
The AUS is looking for disgruntled runners-up for
the following positions:
President
General Officer
Nomination forms, though irrelevant, can be
picked up, filled out, and burned for warmth in the AUS
Office (Buchanan AI07) between March 26 and next April.
he V. omimrcc I  iHkn
Pit.sen Is
Lease Back The
Nigkt Witn An
Option Xo Buy
Rally
Friday. Marcli 26. 1993
Cjreneral Services Admin t>Iap.
Students Against
Clubs Notice
According to SAC Bylaw 7 (1) (iii), the following
clubs will be deconstituted (included is the reason
for deconstitution.)
Breakfast at Denny's Birthday Club: Health
Code Violations.
Elephants For Elvis: Currently no elephants
enrolled at UBC. Senate looking into quotas.
Elvis-is-Dead-Hooray Club: In accordance with
Bylaw 7(l)(iii)(ii) The King Lives.
Ku Klux Klan Klub, UBC Chapter: Violation of
Fire Regulations.
People Who Look Like Bill Dobie Club:
Disbanded. Sort of a mercy killing, you could say.
Society for Putting Things on Top of Other
Things: Duplicates function of Civil Engineering
Club.
Stamp Club: In accordance with Bylaw
7 (1) (iii) (iv) Too damned boring
Xenophobe Society: No members.
4/THE UBYSSEX
March 24, 1993 Vol 6 No 12       March '93   The Four Thirty-Two
Bedtime for Bonzo
Graeme Kennedy
Conspicuously Single
Sometimes I regret the amount
of cola I drink. Times such as
right now, where I have
finished my chem lab, my
biology prelab, watering the
plants, drawing a sketch,
practicing the clarinet (an
activity promptly halted by a
roomie who was kind enough
to remind me that it was 3am)
and alphabetized my Boney M
albums. Each of these
activities made sense at the
time.
As did buying the Boney M
albums in the first place. Now,
I almost enjoy them as much
played backwards as forwards.
Which brings me to an
interesting query: have we
been listening to the wrong
albums backwards in search of
demonic incantation? Now, go
with me on this. I have been
experimenting and I really do
hear the coolest sounds from
reversed disco albums, in
particular ABBA. And you
don't have to have much more
deductive skill than Rory Tate
(Circle Investigator) to observe
that 'ABBA' backwards
is...well... 'ABBA'.
This is not, of course, my
first home experiment. My
infamous 'lungbuster
electrolysis' would have to fill
that title. The experiment,
conducted at the age of ten,
was both a success and a
failure, as I learned a very
important lesson: don't mess
with experimental procedure.
In my ignorance of chemistry,
I felt the water needed a little
salt to speed the reaction
along. When testing the tubes
for gases I found the first to
contain Oxygen or Hydrogen
or maybe air (my testing
apparatus was my nose, so the
accuracy was kinda poor)
however, there was no
mistaking the contents of the
second tube.
Salt is hydrogen chloride.
Chloride. Ya get chlorine gas
from this stuff. I took a deep
enough breath before my lungs
threw in the towel. I
experienced first hand the true
meaning of 'ow'. I flipped into
the air and breathed out so
hard that I shut like a book. I
also tried my hand at eyeball
clawing, but to no avail. I
never wrote a report. At least
not until now.
Also, my home experiments
have been unsuccessful in
shedding some light on the
questions which plagued my
childhood. Generally speaking,
I have enough trouble sleeping
with these questions still
unanswered. Here's some of
the most effective insomniac's
nightmares (now there's an
oxymoron, ranking up with
'military intelligence', 'postal
service' and 'healthy tan'), so
read them at your own risk:
• How does one reorder a lost
ink-blot from those
commercial Rorschach tests?
Psychiatrist: "Hi. I need to
replace the one that looks
like a dachshund wearing a
kilt and dragging a map of
Turkey which is stitched to
his butt..."
Ink-blot Salesman: "I'm not
sure which one that is,
unless you mean the giant
potted cactus that got tipped
over and exploded at the
bottom..."
You can see how this could
get tedious, even futile.
• I know that there is
considerable research being
done to locate the destination
of all the vanished socks, but
I have always been plagued
with the mystery of why we
insist on keeping the
unmatched socks which
remain behind.
• 'Flammable' and
'inflammable', while bearing
the signs of opposite
meaning, are, in fact
synonyms. It's a recipe for
disaster, and I see a
'kaboom' in somebody's
future.
• On that note, why is stuff
transported by car
'shipping', but the same stuff
transported by ship is
'cargo'. No comprende.
Who's responsible for these
sorts of things?
• Nipples for men. I must be
missing something, here.
(I'm talking about
information you perverts. I
have all the necessary
plumbing.)
• Why are the Purex pillow
guys so gosh-darned happy
when they know perfectly
well that they're just being
shipped off to scrape crap off
somebody's butt?
The other night, however, I did
manage to solve one of my
little conundrums: It was
actually the sheriff who shot
the deputy. Elementary. Or
maybe it's the cola talking.
Well, you can just rock me to
sleep tonight.
Dik Miller, Library Enforcer
Derek K.
MILLER
The life of a UBC Library
Enforcer is not an easy one.
All that bag checking, fine collecting, food confiscating, and
general throwing around of
weight gets to you after a
while. Every once in a while, a
guy's got to take a break.
"What are you doing up in
that tree?" a voice asked.
I opened my eyes and
looked down the six metres or
so to the fairly lumpy form of
a Campus Parking and
Security officer who stood
below me.
"I'm sitting," I said.
"I can see that," he replied.
"Why are you sitting in a
tree?"
"I'm taking a break."
"What is it that you do,
exactly?"
"I'm Dik Miller, Library
Enforce*," I said proudly.
A look of sudden realization
spread across his face like a
wine stain on a white wool carpet.
"I remember you," he said.
"You used to work for Parking
and Security."
"Yup," I grinned. "Dik
Miller, Campus Cowboy."
"You were fired for ineptitude, weren't you?" he asked.
I furrowed my brow. "I prefer to call it 'creative differences.'"
"Call it what you like, you
were fired, and now you're sitting in a tree and I've been
called to get you out."
I looked around. "Why
should I have to get out?"
The campus cowboy looked
a bit puzzled. "Er...because
people aren't supposed to be
sitting in trees."
"Is there a rule about that?"
I wondered.
"Uh...yeah," he mused. "I
think."
"Show it to me."
The patrol officer was
beginning to get worried. He
reached into his pocket, producing a small blue book, from
which he read.
"It says here, 'Sitting in
trees on University property is
strictly prohibited.'"
Somehow he didn't sound
convincing. I looked more
carefully at his book.
"Hey!" I cried. "That's not a
policy manual. It's a Fogg &
Suds beer passport!"
The patrol officer looked
extremely embarrassed, then
angry. "I'm going to go get my
supervisor. Don't move!" He
waddled off.
I hadn't intended on moving
in the first place, though I
hoped he would return before
my lunch hour was over and I
had to return to Enforcer
duties.
I was just dozing off again
when I heard another voice.
"Hey!" it said.
I opened my eyes again and
looked down.
"What are you doing in that
tree?" asked the woman standing below.
"I'm taking a break."
"That's pretty weird, you
know."
I was quite aware of that.
"I'm quite aware of that," I
said, "and I don't really care. If
you'd spent the whole day
dealing with Library infractions, you'd probably want to
sit in a tree too."
"Do you think you're a bird
or something?" she asked.
This was exasperating. "If I
thought I were a bird, I
wouldn't be sitting in a tree,
I'd be trying to fly."
"So why don't you?"
"Because," I said, "I don't
think I'm a bird."
"Then why are you sitting in
that tree?"
"WHY THE HELL
SHOULD I HAVE TO TELL
YOU ANYWAY?!" I bellowed, finally losing my temper.
"Whoa, chill out, man," she
declared. "I was just asking."
"I have my reasons."
"Fine, fine," she said. "I
hope you fall out and break
your neck." She walked off.
"Thanks for the sympathy!"
I called after her. I lay my head
back and closed my eyes
again.
"Miller!" barked another
voice almost immediately.
I snapped my eyes open.
"WHAT?!"
Looking down, I saw that
the patrol officer had returned
with his supervisor—also my
former boss when I had been a
Campus Cowboy.
"Long time no see," I said.
"I always thought you were
a bit of a nutcase, Miller, but
this takes it," he said. "Get out'
of the tree, will ya?"
"Why?"
"Because I asked you to,
you nimrod."
"I happen to be on my lunch
break, and I've decided that
sitting in this tree is quite a
fine place to spend that time."
I smiled. "Since your friend
there seems incapable of finding the University regulation
which prohibits me from being
here, I intend to stay until my
lunch break is over, then go
back to being Library
Enforcer. Now if you don't
mind, I'm going to get on with
my nap."
"You leave me no choice
then, Miller," said the supervisor.
"No choice what?" I wondered. Then I saw the slingshot. "Hey!" I shouted. "You
can't..."
When I regained consciousness, I seemed to be lying on
the ground. The Head
Librarian and the Parking and
Security supervisor were
standing above me. The campus cowboy was in the background, holding back a considerable crowd with words of,
"Nothing to see here, move
along."
"Miller, you embarrass me
more all the time," the
Librarian said. "Now get up
and get back to work. As of
this afternoon, you're on
enforced vacation, before you
get any loonier."
I blinked.
"Move it, Miller!" she
ordered.
I stood up. As I walked off,
the supervisor tipped his hat.
"Keep out of trees in the
future, Miller."
Fortunately, he hadn't
noticed the Dik Miller™ joy
buzzer/air hockey puck/collapsible Frisbee I had dropped
into his pants pocket as I left.
I guess that's another case
closed for Dik Miller, Library
Enforcer. At least for this year.
Friday, March 26th.
(Ya dorks.) Th$ Four Thirty-Two   Vol 6 No 12   March '93
The Morris Methods
Jamie
MORRIS
Experiment 4: Thyrone
Briareus and the EEG unit-
Part 2
1. Introduction
This is the second part of my
experiment with Thyrone
briareus and the EEG unit. In
part one, I had rejected my
old danger-related hypothesis
and introduced a new one—
namely, that there is a direct
correlation between high
nervous activity and self-
evisceration in the defence
mechanism of Thyrone
briareus. I would hook up a
test subject, place it in a
stressful situation, and the
EEG unit would register any
change in theta activity while
my observations would verify
any self-evisceration. If you
recall, in situation #1, test
subject #2 had no increase in
theta-wave activity, but did
self-eviscerate (probably due
to the 40 beer it drank rather
than the stressful situation).
In situation #2, test subject #3
registered an increase in
theta-wave activity, but did
not self-eviscerate (even
when it found its "girlfriend"
in bed with another sea
cucumber). And now, part
two...
2. Data and Observations
Situation #3
Description: Test subject #4
was outfitted with an EEG
unit, a parachute, and other
miscellaneous skydiving
equipment. It then sneakily
infiltrated the UBC skydiving
club and participated in the
ten man link-up the club had
planned for the day. Test
subject #4 was faced with the
sheer, nerve-racking stress of
an inexperienced skydiver
facing a first jump.
Increase in Theta-Wave
Activity? No.
Self-evisceration? Yes.
Results and Observations:
Test subject #4 self-
eviscerated five seconds into
its jump. The sticky
agglomeration of innards
floated majestically from the
sea cucumber and drifted
lazily to and fro as it fell to
the earth. The filamentous
respiratory trees glittered in
the sunlight, gleaning like a
symbol of peace and
mankind's prosperity to the
multitudes below. The sight
was so overwhelmingly
beautiful that spectators for
miles around were crying at
its magnificence. However,
as anyone who has lived any
length of time knows, beauty
does not always follow
reason. Test subject #4 did
not register any increase in
theta-wave activity as my
hypothesis would predict. In
fact, the reading was so low, I
thought for a moment that the
jump had killed the test
subject. However, after a few
minutes of investigation, I
found that I had accidentally
hooked up the EEG unit to
one of the more experienced
skydivers instead of test
subject #4. The skydiver's
brain activity was so minute,
even the highly sensitive EEG
unit could barely pick it up.
Situation #4
Description:  Considering the
negative results of the other
three situations, I have
decided to reject my second
hypothesis as well. So,
instead of subjecting test
subjects #5 and #6 to the
situations planned in the
experimental design (one in a
job as an air traffic controller,
and the other "checked in" to
a mental institute), I will test
a third hypothesis. I realize
now that it isn't danger, nor
increased theta-wave activity,
but sudden change in forces
acting upon Thyrone briareus
that causes self-evisceration.
We have already seen some
evidence of this in past
experiments—whenever
somebody grabbed the test
subject with force, it self-
eviscerated [cf. the gang fight
at7-eleven]. Test subjects #4
and #5 are to be brought into
a chemistry lab, and are to be
placed in a large centrifuge.
The centrifuge will generate a
large centripetal acceleration
on the test subjects. If my
new force related hypothesis
is correct, test subjects #4 and
#5 should self-eviscerate.
Self-evisceration? unknown
Results and Observations:
Unfortunately, my new
hypothesis never got beyond
the planning stages due to
stupidity on my part. I was so
elated at the prospect of
testing this new perspective
that I forgot to put on eye
protection when I entered the
chem lab. As expected, every
lethal chemical, every pointed
object, and every little fleck
of dust flew from its resting
place and hit me square in the
eyes. Luckily for me, a
nearby lab TA quickly
grabbed me, rushed me over
to the emergency eye wash
station, and vigorously
scrubbed my head. I
approximate my own self-
evisceration at 3.402 seconds.
4. Conclusion:
Much to my dismay I.am
once again unable to give a
valid conclusion for my
results. It appears that this
whole term of testing has
resulted in no substantial
conclusions. Consequently,
I'll be drowning my sorrows,
and the pain my eyes are
giving me, in my own private
fume hood over the summer
vacation. (Oops, did I say
fume hood—I meant to say
private bar.) Until next year...
References (Experiments
1-4)
1. Keefe, K.C.; "Alpha-Wave
Conditioning"; Analog
S.F.R.
Street and Smith
Publications, 1961,134-
143.
2. Mcgriff, Fred; "Really Neat
Things to do with the
Model 360 EEG Unit".
Science Activities,
Funhouse, 1988,105-110.
3. Slerpderloopdoop, G.; "So
You Lost Your Girlfriend
and Have No Life"
Blue Wavelength Journal,
Spring 1992, 3,16-23.
4. Woodward, B.; "Tragedy:
How the Grinch turned to
a life of Steroids"
Right to Know Press,
1990.
Note: I would also like to
thank the girls down at "The
Swedish Touch" for their
inexhaustible technical
support, encouragement, and
supply of "Lotion #7"
throughout my experiments.
And, remember what Einstein
said, 'The space-time
continuum of the general
theory of relativity is not a
euclidean continuum.'
Letters to
the Editor
(with apologies to National Lampoon)
Sirs:
Just a thought... when
Bill and I come t o
Vancouver, I was
wondering, given the
current socioeconomic
situation in my country, if
I might make a request.
Can I stay?
Boris Yeltsin
Sinkingshipgrad, Russia
Sirs:
I can't believe we're
spending so much money
on campus lighting!'You
think that'll make us
safe? We're still relying
on men to put in these
lights! Any way you look
at it, women are still
reliant on men for their
safety. Stop this senseless
misogynist reliance on
the male... hey, is there
anyone there?
Ellen Swamp
Missing and presumed
dead
Sirs:
I think I liked life a lot
better before my brother
and I stopped making
records.
Bill Doobie
Nashville
Sirs:
Yesterday
All my records sold out
right away,
Now my videos need
T&A.
Oh how I long
For yesterday.
Paul McCartney
East London
Sirs:
Well, sure, I'm qualified
for Tupperware sales... I
used to be an AMS
executive, you know...
what? What do you
mean, you've heard about
me?... Job skills? Well, I
can eat a muffin with a
spoon...
John Lipscomb, MBA
Interruptus
Still job-hunting
Sirs:
We hate this fucking job.
We have to be so cutesy
all the time. It drives us
nuts. We look like rejects
from The Family Circus.
I mean, Mom's gonna be
PM, and she's walking
around in front of
cameras with no shirt on,
for chrissake...
The Campbell Soup Kids
In a snit
B.C.TRANSITJ Vol 6 No 12 * 23 March '93   The Four Thirty-Two
t h e
r a w e r s
sus
McKnighties
Carmen McKnight
The year is winding down,
and this is the last
McKnighties you'll ever read.
I actually managed to write
every single one. I've enjoyed
being President this year. Its
been a lot of fun and hard
work. I don't know what I'm
going to do with all of my
spare time now that it's over.
Hopefully I'll get a job in the
real world. I'm sure I'm
asking that question many of
you graduates are asking...
"What do I do now that I've
finished my degree." I know
only this much about the next
few months: I'm taking a road
trip...a long one...three weeks
in fact... all the way to New
Orleans. After that I don't
know what I'm doing. I don't
want to think about it.
The SUS has had quite a
successful year. We have seen
increased participation,
improved communication
between the Society and the
Faculty of Science, some
constitutional changes, and
most importantly a significant
increase in Science Spirit. The
Society did a lot this year,
from changes to the
constitution to a new Faculty
Teaching Review (to be
featured in this year's guide).
Science now has four seats
(instead of three) on AMS
council. A First year student
committee was established this
year, and hopefully it will be
in action in September, 1993.
The purpose of this committee
is to organize more events for
first year students. If you're
interested in this committee
it's not too late. Just leave a
note in my box. Theposteir
painting parties were a great
success this year. The students
who helped out had a great
time and, as a result,Science
events were well advertised.
The AGM was a lot of fun.
The winners of this year's
Teaching Excellence Award
were: Dr. Nick Burlinson and
Dr. Charles Swanson.
Executive Awards were
awarded to Society members
who have gone beyond the call
of duty in serving the SUS.
The people who recieved them
this year were: Michael Chow,
Lica Chui, Sarah Thornton,
Chris Woods, and Laurie Yee.
We decided that since we
had nothing left to do this
month we would have one,
final, last class, 50 cents a
beer, 25 cents a tuff cup bash.
It's this Friday at Four Thirty-
two in the SUS office. If you
don't know where that is then
you had better find out.
One more event that's going
on is on March 30th. It's die
Sports Banquet. The top
competitors, the top
participants, and the top
department in Science will be
recognized at this event. The
banquet will be by invitation
only. Only the top Science
sports people will be invited.
We do not want a repeat of last
year's banquet when; awards
were not even given out, and
half the people present were
not in Science Sports let alone
Science students. Sports
blocks will also be given out.
For those of you who are
graduating the Grad Class
Council AGM took place en
March 19th. Each year the
Graduating Class plants a tree
on campus. The tree is
accompanied by a plaque
stating who planted it. This
year's Tree Planting Ceremony
will be taking place on
Thursday, March 25 at 12:30
between the Law Building and
the Buchanon Building. Tie
ceremony will be followed by
a reception in SUB 212.
Last week in council we
opened nominations for the
interim positions which start
on April 1. The following
positions are available:
Psychology, Biology,
Oceanography, First Year,
Second Year (2) and Third
Year Rep. We will be
appointing people to these
positions on March 25. If you
are interested leave a note in
my box.
Council turnover takes
place on April 1. A fine new
executive has been elected and
I know they'll carry you
through another excellent year.
Good Luck.
Fruit of the Lums
Patrick Lum
Even though it's said so often,
when I say "You mean it's
already been a year?", I really
mean it. Between money coming in, and a heck of a lot more
money going out, this year has
actually ended up with SUS
finances in relatively good
shape, although you should get a
second opinion since.mine isn't
exactly unbiased. For those of
you who have seen previous
articles and statements, you'll
know that the SUS has had
monthly Year-to-date financial
statements for every month,
since September. Speaking of
monthly statements, the March
statement is conveniently located somewhere on this page, for
your perusal.
You can see from the revenue
that the annual SUS income
(from student fees) is about
$43,000. Keep in mind that this
statement doesn't include
expenses from the month of
March, so the net surplus will be
even less. From all this, you cart
get a pretty good idea of where
SUS spends its money. As of
March 4, our net surplus was
just under $10,000, though by
the actual year-end (Apr.4), the
surplus will be more like $6,500.
And something that has absolutely nothing to do with
finances was a UBC Joint-
Faculties symposium on
Interdisciplinarity, that was held
two weekends ago. The topic at
hand was that of
Interdisciplinarity, in the sense
of conducting studies while integrating two or more usually
seperate and independent areas.
An example of this would be
ecological economics, in studying the economic costs and benefits of environmental/ industrial
factors.
It was generally agreed that such
programs are generally discouraged in all aspects of the university environment, including
undergraduate, graduate, and
even professorial research. It
was brought up that part of the
problem was the power which
individual departments had in
making decisions, such as promotions. Also, the lack of any
reward system for doing such
cross-boundary work was another factor, as there is no incentive
or recognition provided for such
endeavours.
One of the afternoon workshops
dealt with undergraduate interdisciplinarity, such as the
Science One program, which
will be offered for the first time
this September. For its first
year, enrollment will be limited
(approx. 40), and will consist of
a "rationalization of first year
courses" so that four courses (24
credits—Math, Biology,
Chemistry, and Physics) will be
taught in a package equivalent to
18 credits. This reduction is
made possible by eliminating
overlap of topics, and integrating labs and discussions to cover
topics in a broader manner. Or
something like that. Suffice to
say that having the Science One
program up and running is a
great beginning, and that the
program should grow in size
(funding permitting) in the near
future.
So. TTFN. Ta-Tafornow. All
of us at SUS really hope you've
enjoyed this jumbo edition of
the 432. I'm outta here....
 Circvs Scientificvs
Zain Khandwala
It's finally time to begin
recognizing some of the
individuals and teams who
helped SUS achieve the
exceptional feat of attaining
unprecedent levels of
Intramural Sports points. As
always, individuals who
represent SUS in Intramural
Sports competition receive
individual sports points for
their efforts. At the end of the
year, these points are tallied,
and certain individuals are
recognized at the year-end
SUS Sports dinner banquet, to
be held sometime on Tuesday,
March 30, exact location TBA.
In order to register yourself
for this competetion, you must
complete a Sports Points Tally
Form, copies of which are
available either at the SUS
office or through your
respectivedepartmental sports
rep sometime at the end of the
next week. On (his form you
must indicate the specific
events in which you competed,
and how well you placed
within each event. If you do
not remember your final
placement for a certain event,
results for all events are
available at the Intramural
Sports information desk.
These forms must be
completed and turned in to the
SUS office by Friday, March
26 so that they can be verified
and tabulated, and so that
awards can be made up for the
banquet.
As for year-end rebates,
they are in the process of being
drawn-up and will be available
sometime at the end of the next
weekif you have not yet
submitted your rebate request,
you must do so by Friday,
March 26 to be considered for
your financial reimbursement.
Remember that, in order to
be elibible for your rebate, you
must (1) compete as a SUS
student, (2) not default a game,
and (3) not be disqualified
from your event.
Sales Slips
Michael Chow
This will be the last tims I
will be writing this column, as
I will be stepping down as
Sales Manager on April 1st,
1993 (not to mention the fact
that this is the last issue for
this school year). Kinda brings
a tear to your eye, doesn't it?
Never fear, though, becaus e
I've been elected as
Department Representative for
Computer Science, so I'll still
be itround (some people are so
difficult to get rid of).
However, we are still
accepting applications for ihe
position of Sales Manager for
1993-1994. No experience
necessary. Simply drop by our
office at CHEM 160 to inquire
about this position.
At the SUS Annual General
Meeting on March 18,1 had
the opportunity to thank all the
people who helped Science
Sales become such a
tremendous success this year.
In particular, there were some
individuals who did an
outstanding job of helping
Science Sales; Laurie Yee,
Edward Choice, Parimal Rana,
Silivinia da Conceicao, Tricia
Choice, Carmen McKnight,
Janice Boyle, and Fran
Harrison. With the help of
these and many other people,
Science Sales has had one of
its most successful years ever.
It's been a great year, and I
would like to thank everybody
for helping make my position
as Sales Manager an enjoyable
one (the job one loves to hate).
Best of wishes to everybody in
their studies, and to next
year's council and Sales team.
•NEWITEMS: Science
baseball shirts, baseball
caps, shorts, T-shirts,
sweatshirts, sweatpants,
cardigans, leather-melton
jackets, teddy bears, roll-
up T-shirts.
■BELOW COST: 100%-
cotton Science Week '93
T-shirts! You've seen
these beautiful T-shirts
during Science Week, and
here's your opportunity to
get your hands on one for
only $5! Available in a
variety of colours.
BELOW COST: 100%-
cotton embroidered
sweaters only $15!
Available in navy, royal or
white. We have crew-
necks and V-necks.
Hurry, they're selling fast!
1 Is your team or club looking
for clothing or uniforms?
We deal directly with the
manufacturers and
wholesalers to get you the
best prices around. Most
orders require one week.
Compare our prices: 1
dozen, 100% cotton Fruit
of the Loom standard-
weight T-shirts, with a
full-front 2-colour logo,
and 2-digit 8-inch
numbers, all for only
$13.50 each (all taxes
included!)
• Our Annual Paper Sale is still
on! We sell 200 sheets of
looseleaf for only $0.75.
That's half the price you'll
pay at the Bookstore, plus
all proceeds will be
donated to charity.
Feel free to drop by and check
out our UBC Science clothing
display. We are in the
Chemistry building, room 160. 8
The Four Thirty-Two   Vol 6 No 12    March '93
W-w-w-withdr-dr-drawal? Wh-wh-y do you a-a-ask?
Jolly
ROGER
Last week, in the Campus
Times, a piece appeared detailing the intricacies of life with a
daily planner. The article kinda
made me chuckle, because I
know a great many people
(myself included, I'm sure)
who would probably survive a
day more productively and less
stressfully if they simply cut
off their entire head rather than
misplace their Day-Timer. It's
as though every normal organizational function of the brain
has somehow been squeezed
out of their heads and applied
to several highly categorized
bits of brightly-colored paper.
There's no doubt about it;
these people are not mere
fiends for organization.
They're addicts.
Addictions are truly strange
things. I find it infinitely interesting how someone could
possibly come to depend on
something so heavily, right up
to the point where if one
should ever take the thing
away, the subject will become
a blithering, disillusioned fool
incapable of finding his or her
ass with both hands and a
compass.
Not to say, of course, that
I'm immune from such vices.
I'm one of those unfortunate
souls whose mother had an
addiction while she was pregnant, and thus passed it on to
me. Not only that, but I was
subjected to a massive intake
of the stuff at least once a
week during most of my childhood. As a result, I am now a
hopeless White Spot junkie.
It's sad, I know, but I'm
beyond saving; I figure by this
point, my blood is about 6%
Triple O sauce. But it just
helps me to relax, that's all; I
can quit anytime I want.
No, really. I can. Honest.
But there are other addicts out
there who place themselves in
far more danger than I do with
my weekly Chicken Pickin's
fix.
Let's take soap opera fans,
for example. These people are
insane. They devote hours on
end to these great programs,
which are primarily designed
to woo the attention of lonely
housewives with endless
scenes of gratuitous sex and
violence, and maybe convince
them that they'll be every bit
as sexy and desirable as Susan
Lucci if they buy an Atlantic
Bee-Mop like the one they saw
during the commercial break.
They even have magazines
dedicated entirely to keeping
people up to date on the plot-
lines. Funny, I thought that
was what the show was for...
Then we have coffee.
Different can of worms altogether, but still very much a
First Year
Students
Committee
Call for
Submissions
What did you
like/hate about first
year Science?
Please contact
Laurie Yee, Internal
VP at 822-4235.
widespread addiction. So
widespread, in fact, that coffee
bean trading is one of the
world's most lucrative commodities markets. (Which,
incidentally, explains why
Juan Valdez is the only guy in
Colombia pulling down more
money than the Medellin cartel.)
Generally, I make a point of
avoiding coffee whenever I
can, lest I fall into the trap and
become one of them—the
Coffee People.
Coffee drinkers are a strange
breed. Anyone who has to deal
with them on a daily basis
knows that they should not be
tampered with before about the
third cup or so. Before then,
they sort of wander around in a
dazed stupor, making weird
primal hissing noises and
pointing at people, like in
Invasion of the Body
Snatchers. A tad unsettling to
the oat-bran-and-fresh-
squeezed-organic-cantaloupe-
juice crowd that just can't
grasp why life is anything less
than a great big happy sunny
barrel of laughs for everyone.
Despite this lack of early-
morning cheer, however, these
pitiful caffeine fiends are relatively harmless, as long as you
stay well out of their path. But
any source of stress or upset
that they should encounter, no
matter how trivial, will induce
behaviour on their part roughly
akin to that of a dyspeptic bad
ger that recently got a shotgun-
ful of rock salt right in the
keester. Not a pretty sight to
have staring you in the face,
especially if the two of you
happen to be trapped in the
same elevator together.
Of course, once they've gotten their first half-gallon down
the hatch, they're just pleased
as punch to see you, and oh
my, how on earth did you get
that gushing wound on your
head? Someone attacked you
in the elevator? That's funny, I
coulda sworn we rode up
together, and I don't remember seeing a thing...
Other things to avoid getting
addicted to include the following:
1) AMS student council politics (or any politics, for that
matter).
2) Married... With Children
re-runs.
3) All-nighters.
All-nighter addiction certainly deserves a special mention. This one alone is very
easy to break, but only because
it is usually followed up by a
far more irresistible counter-
addiction: sleep addiction.
(Roger's brain apologizes for
having succumbed to this particular addiction during the
writing of this article at about
this point). On any given day,
go and check out the
Sedgewick stacks to see hundreds upon hundreds of dedicated sleep addicts, adding
their own distinctive drool to
the already growing genetic
civilization developing beneath
their recumbent forms.
But one cannot deny that
television addiction is by far
the most consuming addiction
around. The real trouble with it
is that like crack, no one really
knows for sure how much it
takes to kill you. And anyone
who tells you that heroin is the
most addictive substance on
earth and destroys your brain
has obviously never been
exposed to Studs for any protracted length of time. I've
seen it happen. It ain't pretty.
Some of the long term psychological effects of television
addictions can be quite devastating. Consider, for example,
the case of a Detroit lawyer
who tried to commit suicide
because he was convinced that
Wilma Flintstone was having
an illicit affair with Barney
Rubble. The question of who
would get custody of Pebbles
and Bam-Bam proved to be
too much of a strain on him.
So, in conclusion, I guess
what I'm trying to say is that
there's only one real way to
beat any addiction, and that's
to—Oh damn! I'm late for
lunch! If I don't get my Pirate
Pak, I'll DIE!!
Oh... uh, thanks for reading
this year. Have a nice summer.
See you in September.
Friday, March 26th
4:45 pm, IRC #1
The BPP club's Annual
WJjpe anti Cfjee^e
Our Annual General Meeting
to elect next year's Exec.
Come out and enjoy COMPLIMENTARY
Whyne, BEvERages, and munchies,
then vote for next year's Exec.
Absolutely free for all BPP Club members.
$3.00 at the door if you're not yet a member.
PRE-MED YEAR-END BASH
Baseball • Barbeque • Extravaganza
Friday, March 26 at 4:30-7:00
@ Mclnnis Field
Lots o' Food! Burgers & hot dogs, chips, dip & pop.
Members: Free   Non-Members: $2

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