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UBC Publications

UBC Publications

The 432 Jan 6, 1998

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 '"Jerry died broke." - Mrs. Jerry Garcia, left with a mere $300,000
Hong Kong Chickens
Claim Refugee Status
British Cows Finally Receive Citizenship
Earle Warren
Poultry Correspondent
Officials from Canada Customs
announced Monday that they
are holding seven refugees from
Hong Kong, for a yet undefined period
of time. Officials id announce, however,
that the travellers were claiming refugee
What the Canada Customs representatives dialed to disclose was that the
refugees in question were part of a live
animal shipment, destined for a poultry
farm outside of Abbotsford. 432
reporters were shocked to discover that
the seven passengers in question were of
the avian persuasion.
Customs officials were quick to deny
our charges.
"Just because someone is fleeing their
homeland, doesn't mean that they are a
chicken," said Officer Marten Burton.
These people have a right to be afraid -
they were persecuted for their beliefs,
and driven out of their country."
Local health officials were outraged to
learn that chickens from Hong Kong
may have entered the country.
"There is a distinct possibility that these
animals are carrying the bird flu virus,"
explained Dr. Julie Andrews, of the
Vancouver Health Commission. "I can't
believe Customs officers would have let
these birds by. We have to exterminate
them immediately... the chickens, that
Customs officials, however, were clear
that no action will be taken against the
chickens until a court date
can be assigned, _t|#^
and     their    it|fs d^ ^0
case can be
reviewed   in
court.     This
process     can
take up to sixteen
months, during which time, the seven
birds will be held at an Agricultural
Sciences complex at the University of
British Columbia.
University President Martha Piper
explained that she had no concerns
about the animals being on campus.
"There is no direct evidence that this so-
called bid flu actually comes from birds,"
explained Piper. "Besides, the only thing
close enough to the building for disease
transmission to occur is Totem Park. God
knows, if the disease is out there, they
already have it."
Several campus groups have already
planned protests, including the
Graduate Students Society.
GSS President Ken Dwyer expressed
concern that the chickens would be
charged more for feed
than the
already present in the
"This is prohibitive to
international  animals  looking  to
stay at UBC, and it is a discrimination on
the basis of nationality alone."
Dwyer plans to raise a flag made completely of chicken feathers on the flagpole outside of the Gad Students building, to show "solidarity with the chickens."
This case closely mirrors a similar one
from last year, in which four cows from
Birmingham, England were held for
nearly a year at SFU. The cows were
eventually denied refugee status, but
escaped before they could be deported.
As a result, security has been extremely
tight around the complex.
Campus RCMP are on standby, saying
that they have been authorized to use
"whatever force necessary" to protect
the animals in question, and to prevent
a possible escape attempt. A twelve foot
tall chain-link fence has been erected
around the Agricultural Sciences complex, and protesters have been warned to
stay at least thirty-five feet away from
the fence. A smaller, eight foot tall fence
has been erected in this location, to act
as a guide.
Local media has gone into a frenzy, setting up sattelite relay stations across
campus. Some stations have been
rumoured to be paying students for use
of their rooms; though this has not been
verified, it would certainly explain the
drastic increase in bar sales at both The
Pit and The Gallery.
Meanwhile, animal rights activists have
also entered the fray, lobbying officials
to treat the animals "with compassion
and respect." It is suspected, however,
that the birds may instead be treated
with carbon dioxide and a plastic bag.
More news on this story is expected this
afternoon, when Customs officials will
again meet with the press, this time at
the Uniivesity.
Keenan Trades
Earie Warren
^    *NEIV Vv'HAT HIT HiH,
Sports Correspondent
Iron Mike Keenan announced yesterday that the entire roster of the
Vancouver Canucks will be traded to
San Jose, in return for the entire roster of
the San Jose Sharks.
"Let's face it," said Keenan, at a press
conference last night, "This team isn't
going anywhere. I had to make a move,
and I did what I feel I had to to make this
team a winning team."
Fan reaction has been mixed, although
the majority of those interviewed
seemed to support Keenan's move.
"Sounds' good to me," laughed Mike
Willis, a Vancouver native."Worst comes
to worse, they keep on losing. At least we
won't have any delusions of grandeur."
The trade, of course, will be hardest on
the players, some of whom have lived in
Vancouver for up to nine years.
Canucks centre Trevor Linden seemed
surprised by the announcement.
"Of Course I'm disappointed. I love this
city, I love the people, and I love this
team. Eiut Mike is just trying to do what
is best for this hockey club. It's the
toughest part of the game, but we all
have to deal with it."
Vancouver has struggled throughout
the season, and has recently seen the
worst losing streak in seven years: the
Canucks are 0-8 in their last 8 games.
Despite good performances from a few
select players, the team has been generally lack-lustre.
Ticket sales are expected to rise sharply
in the next few weeks, with the arrival of
the new players. Merchandising is also
expected to see an increase in profits,
particularly from those looking to
replace their old Canuck jerseys. PAGE TWO
6 JANUARY 1998
• - -ess,
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Natural Selection
Isn't life fucking wonderful. Here I
am eating a hunk of cheese wrapped
with bread and drinking orange juice
at 8pm on a blissful Thursday evening.
At this moment I'm seriously considering giving up the safe, comfortable every
day life of a student or that of a career
hitman. There are a number of reasons
for this sudden life change, the most
notable being that I realized today that I
really don't like people. People are a lot
like cancer, and to save the patient,
sometimes you have to use a little radiation therapy. If you don't believe me,
take a little flight over the GVRD. The
closest thing in the world which resembles Coquitlam is a culture of E. coli trying with all its festering ability to cover
the very last square millimeter of a petri
The DNA of people has gone bad. That
Proto-Oncogene of species self limitation
has been lost somewhere. There aren't
any stop checks left for the human population. This is not good. #1 Population
grows fast if there is nothing holding
them in place; #2 when there is nothing
keeping a check on population, there is
nothing encouraging that population to
improve itself. In fact, in modern society
we are evolving. There are a lot of stupid
people out, there. I'm not just talking
about the distracted or ignorant few
who, every once in a while, forget how
to spell "the", or to go to work forgetting
to shave the right half of their face, or
the guys who don't know what a debit
card is. I'm talking about the real
morons, insipid fools, blockheads,
dullards. I come across this subspecies
every day and fuck if I'm not tired of
dealing with idiocy. This is a major
source of indigestion considering that
this a god-damned university. It is a big
relief from the constant intellectual
stimulation of the rest of the lower
mainland, but if this is the smartest the
country has to offer, pray for the future.
That's not all. Morons are on the rise. It
seems that stupid people have more children. I'm not saying that it's stupid to
have kids, but those at the upper end of
the IQ spectrum are having less kids at
older ages than the Ma and Pa Bojangles
child factory out in the "Shady Aces
Trailer Park." So what does this mean?
Stupid people are going to have competitive advantage if they're not weeded out
by their own stupidity. Its getting harder
and harder for nature to take it's toll on
the genetically weak.
In modern society we cater to the
dumb. Case in point: those stupid child
safety devices on lighters. If kid is dumb
enough to shove a bic up his nostril, he
deserves to have his nose burnt off. Then
maybe the little bastard will be so horribly disfigured that no woman in her
right mind would carry his child, thus
s-,rwpntins the kid's stupidity from being
passed on to the next generation. Every
day we make life easier to get through
for the desperately dumb, the distractedly dull, and the stupendously stupid.
Why? One word answer; Money. The
current laws are written to protect these
obnoxiously moronic people from ever
having to think to avoid hurting themselves. If some decrepit old hag can't
hold her coffee vertical and gets a little
burn she sues McDonald's for fifteen
million dollars, and wins. It's reaching a
point where companies have to think of
everything the dumbest person on the
planet would do with their product and
either prevent this from happening by
putting safety devices on said products
or by plastering the shit with warnings
for everything from "Do Not Eat, May
Cause Choking," to "Do Not Insert In
Rectum, May Cause Damage to Colon,"
to "Do Not Bring into Contact With
Radioactive Waste, May Cause Cancer".
All for a freaking Hot Wheels™ toy car.
Let the idiots choke, shit blood and lose
their hair. They will either learn from the
experience, or die during the fourth
operation removing the General Lee
from another tough situation.
I'd like to clear something up. I am not
a eugeneticist. I do not believe in selective breeding to improve the human
race, I'm just a little frightened by the
prospects of people in the twenty-first
century. I am however, a firm believer in
Perry Ferrel, who, being the genius he is,
or was before he got off smack, said
"Some people  should die,  that's just
Goodbye, 1997. And good riddance.
And Now, 1998!
Well, 1997 has come and gone,
with only a lingering cloud of
pepper spray left as evidence.
Now, a new dawn for The 432 is upon us,
and we look to the horizon for its glorious, glorious light.
As far as I can tell, 1997 was a decent
year for The 432. We celebrated our 10th
anniversary in February with a 24 page
super-issue. Our 11th year got underway
with a bang... and a whole flock of talented new writers. We received plenty of
mail praising our work; and an equal
amount of correspondence from readers
who would like to see our insides hung
from the clock tower, pecked at by a
flock of mangy gulls. All of this, by the
way, is helpful. Anytime you want to let
us know what you think of us, send me
an e-mail at the address to the left.
This issue, actually, is about as controversial as they get. Not only do we take
on the beloved Princess deceased, we
also tackle feminists, Albanians, and a
variety of celebrities.
A word of caution, then. Here at The
432, we pride ourselves in being equal in
our slanderous attacks. If you are a member of a political, majority, or minority
group who has not been picked on by
our writers, please let me know. We can
fit you in somewhere, I'm sure.
I once read an article criticizing The
Simpsons    for    slandering    minority
groups. The example used was that of
Apu Nahasapeenapetalon, the friendly
clerk at the Springfield QuickyMart. Apu,
it would seem, was being portrayed in a
light which was offensive to the writer,
since it was considered to be very stereotypical.
No. Really?
The whole show is about stereotypes. If
there's one group of people who suffer
the most insult from the folks over at
Fox, it's Caucasians. What people have to
understand is that the writers of the
show (I hope) are using these common
stereotypes to show us just how skewed
our idea of reality is.
That is exactly what we are trying to do
here at The 432. We're sorry if we offend
you. We're sorry if you don't like what
we have to say. Really.
I've said enough. Take the time to actually read what we have presented to you
this week, and decide for yourself. And,
if you're planning to throw rocks, we're
located on the second floor of Buchanon
A block, just down from the place with
all the beer.
Until next time,
Happy New Year to all,
C- 6 JANUARY 1998
Sealed in a
Mayonnaise Jar...
Mandy Seymour
Roving Correspondent
Another great year is
upon us, ready to be
filled with drunken
debauchery and general ma}/-
hem. This year I vowed that I
would not make a single New
Year's resolution but would
instead blindly stumble into
1998, quite literally. Of course
I did end up making a last
minute resolution which
promptly was broken. But on
New Year's Eve, as the lethal
mix of gin and smack began
to wear off, I was suddenly
filled with visions of the
future. Yes indeed, 1998 is
going to be a good year.
Below is my list of predictions
for 1998, complete with a
promise by me: if every prediction holds true I'll take the
entire Faculty of Science out
for a round of Winter Ales at
the Gallery (Aside: I found
out the hard way how 8.5%
alcohol hits you when you're
not expecting it. All I remember is arguing that there were
4 periods in a hockey game
and promptly getting cut off.)
Please take these with a grain
of salt (or a snort of coke).
Prediction #1: The ferry
rates will be jacked up another 200%, and the island
inhabitants will be forced to
swim across the straight. BC
Ferries will get smart and purchase some man-eating
sharks from Australia, causing
death by shark attacks to
become the number one
cause of deaths in British
Prediction #2: Tea Leone
and David Duchovny will suffer a much publicized
divorce, resulting in a bitter
settlement in which Tia takes
all. David will be left living in
a Vancouver gutter, wishing
he had never complained
about the rain.
Prediction #3: Shirin
Fourtan will be voted in as
the new AMS president,
despite a well-fought campaign by the left-wing Radical
Beer Faction. The Radical Beer
Faction (RBF) will run on the
platform that, "beer should
made available to campus as
easily and readily as water."
As part of their campaign the
RBF reps will hand out cans of
homebrewed Radical Beer in
front of the SUB. The crowd
will respond with some
unusual behavior. Word has it
even former president Ryan
Davies will be up there, doing
his interpretation of the Full
Monty. Beware.
Prediction #4: Following the
deaths of two recreational
drug users in the Lower
Mainland from a fatal lacing
of heroin in their cocaine, the
UBC administration will
legalize crack cocaine on
campus. Dr. Martha Piper says
this is the first stage in UBC's
new plan to solve the problem of oversized classes. Isn't
it nice to see your tuition dollars at work?
Prediction #5: Myth players
across the continent will join
an on-line cult called, "Myth
On-Line." The members will
voluntarily press  computer
keys and stare at a screen
filled with violence and gore
for months on end, until the
unpaid electric companies cut
off the power supply to their
computers. Psychoanalysts
will have a field day trying to
interpret this trend, calling it
the end of civilized man.
Prediction #6: Bill Gates will
make another hundred billion in 1998 with the release
of Windows '98, another
Windows version jam-packed
with patented Microsoft bugs.
These bugs are guaranteed to
make you buy the next version, which corrects these
bugs while adding new ones.
Perhaps it's time we all
bought Macs....
-Prediction #7: The Editor will
be successful in his quest to
provide titles for Mandy's articles, which, tho common
knowledge to most of the population of the planet Earth, seem
to elude Ms. Seymour, -ed
The Dead Pool
John Hallett
Betting on your mother
Greetings fans of Death! Ah
Christmas, the most joyful season to Christians, the celebration
of the birth of Christ, the beginning of
the New Year, loads of eggnog and the
month with the single highest suicide
rate of the entire year.
Late in November, INXS Lead Singer
Michael Hutchense had a wee bit of a
misunderstanding with his belt. It turns
out that a bad Prozac prescription and a
leaky toilet proved fatal for the disillusioned rock star.
It's been a big month for the cool guy in
the black robe. The first fish to be
flushed down the divine toilet bowl was
famed author James Michener, whose
inspirational-and large-novels inspired
millions of young Americans to start
their very own space program.
The next person that Santa only had to
check ohce was Tuk the Polar Bear. The
famous last resident at the Vancouver
Zoo and Pizza Palace was found early in
December face down in a pool of his
own vomit in the corner of his cage,
dead of an apparent drug overdose after
a night of partying with two other Dead
Pool favorites: Dolly the Sheep and
Keiko the Killer Whale.
And the big surprise of the year, Chris
Farley died of an apparent massive drug
overdose just before Christmas. He was
enjoying a vial of fine smack with his
family when he keeled over in the middle of the living room. Unfortunately,
the family dog, Rusty Farley, was
trapped under the comics bulk and
crushed before emergency crews could
respond    with    the   Jaws    of    Life.
Aftershocks from the impact were registered as far away as Tokyo, Japan.
Also to join the choir invisible this holiday was Glitzen, the black reindeer of
Blitzen's extended family. While the
jolly old elf and his nine tiny reindeer
were out delivering joy and happiness to
the children of the world, Glitzen got
into Santa's secret heroin stash and
administered himself lethal dose of
China White.
Next to pop his clogs was Noah Pyle.
Loved by millions for his role as Uncle
Jesse in The Dukes ofHazzard, Pyle bit the
big one just prior to the close of the year
when he attempted to jump his classic
1973 Charger over a strategically placed
ramp just off of a dirt road somewhere in
Southern Tennessee. Pyle was thrown
from his vehicle and run over by a pursuing County Sheriff. The car, however,
was in perfect condition.
1997's best nominee for the annual
Darwin Awards is none other than
Micheal Kennedy. Robert Kennedy's
youngest son died after slamming head
first into a tree during a high speed game
of downhill skiing football. Yes, you read
that right.
Apparently, Mr. Kennedy had been
"warned by the ski patrol that the combination of downhill skiing and football
was particularly dangerous." This is
polite, six o'clock news lingo for the ski
patroller blinking, and then saying
"You're doing what!?! Are you fucking
insane?! That's got to be the stupidest
thing I've ever heard of!!!"
To top off this report, a recent autopsy
has revealed that no drugs or booze were
involved in the fatal lumber incident.
This is a good indication of where the
famous Kennedy intellect stands a few
generations after John F.
So where does all this death leave the
Dead Pool II? Well, Tuk the Polar Bear
was a very popular choice for Dead Pool
contestants. Four people gained a point
from this death: Jenn Gardy, Mike Buller,
Andy Martin and Jeremy Thorp all
pulled ahead of the pack with one point
courtesy of the fluffy pet.
The only contestant to guess Chris
Farley's fate was Earl Gordon, with
Richard Panton successfully foretelling
the demise of famed author James
Michener. The remainder of the deaths
reported here had no point value for the
Dead Pool, and as such were perfectly
Now for Who's Weak This Week.
1. Frank Sinatra. This guy's been in the
number one spot longer than the Spice
Girls. Hey, speaking of people I'd like to
2. Boris Yeltsin. Anyone that takes two
and a half weeks to recoverfrom a mild
lung infection is not long for this world.
3. Andy Griffiths. This man was old
when he was on TV in the fifties.
Between him and Don Knots/it's hard to
figure out who'll hit the floor first.
Well, that's it for this issue of the Dead
Pool. Until next time, think positive
thoughts, keep scanning the obituaries,
and don't fear the Reaper.
Best Quote from a
UBC Politician:
Jason Murray
"'ArtsTfesidenf    """""'
"Our official opinion is that we
have no opinion"
re: ihe proposed merger of the faculties: of French and Hispanic Studies.
Best AMS Executive
Ass-Kisser (Tie)
Ruta Fluxgold (VP)
Shirin Faroutan (DoX)
Dr. Piper and Dr Klawe to the layman, but
to these first-class suck-ups, it's Martha and
Maria all the way. Pucker up.
Blair McDonald
Memorial Shit-
Disturber Award
Jaggi Singh
Everyone's favourite soap-box-ranting,
statue-painting, hockey-playing revolutionary wannabe. Pinko.
Best Waste of our
Hard-Earned Money
The UBC Thunderbirds
Great. The Vanier Cup. Holds a whole
case of Molson Canadian, and really
impresses the highschool girls.
All 'Chicos' are awarded by a
pan el of judges, who base their
decision on technical merit,
artiistic achievement, and total
lack tf competence. PAGE FOUR
6 JANUARY 1998
The Official 43Z
Blame it on £1 Nino™
Theme Page
Paris, France
Limousine driver David Perdou is
devastated by the death of his
Argentinian mother, and plunges
into a seven day drinking binge.
Canadian Pacific Coast
Tropical sealife carried by unusually warm currents into Northern
Waters. Local restarants experience run on turtle soup.
assess)* «^^^3^*.«,. VK:,^
- —     E=r~—s-—■*' 'SSBjabrS! raj^szsi ssksffi- "^=E"
Hong Kong, China
Four deaths result in the extermination of over one million chickens.
McDonalds International declares
1998 the year of the McChicken.
£1 Nino Facts:
Heavier than normal torrential rains
cause massive mudslides, resulting
in the deaths of thousands of
peasant villagers.
Vancouver, Canada
Vancouver experiences the wettest
year in history. SAD-affected
RCMP officers vent their depression on anti-APEC protesters.
North American East Coast
Unseasonal warmth hits the Eastern
Seaboard, stimulating the growth of the
hallucinagenic mould Psychosporilium.
Thousands suffer hallucinations, including Bill Clinton, Sony Records President
Mark Hamill, and the surviving members
of The Rolling Stones.
• During El Nino, the waters off of Hawaii can warm up enough to poach an egg!
• El Nino is responsible for a wide variety of physical phenomena, including  Hurricanes, Earthquakes, Tsunamis, and The Dark,
• El Nino lasts exactly 100 days, at which point it becomes El Hombre.
• There is an accurate system for predicting El Nino; the next El Nino which will create newsworthy events won't happen until next year!
• 48,000 death have been directly attributed to this year's El Nino.
• El Nino does not actually exist,
• El Nino is the work of the evil arch villain Dr. Warm, who is attempting to take over the world's pineapple market.
• El Nino means 'small grey fish' in Latin, and 'hoax' in Polish
• Hardest hit by El Nino are the Vancouver Canucks, who have lost all ability to play hockey as a result of this oceanographic event
• Crops of tropical fruits have been drastically affected by the current. Banana prices have dropped by nearly 75%; a burden to banana growers, but a boon to circuses everywhere.
Andrew Martin
Ticked-off Correspondent
A Satan Family
DISCLAIMER: The following article may be offensive to some, if not all of our readers. The    Miss Jenn
432 is not responsible for the LSD-induced rants of any of it's writers.
The following is a true story. Names and class numbers have been omitted to
protect the participants from ridicule, but you know who you are and what
part you played. So shame on you.
Arts electives. Easy, fun, sometimes interesting, but also very, very dangerous. This
story is from an anthropology course I took last term. I took it because it's a night
course and it only requires about two hours of studying to get an A on the 30% final.
But I wasn't expecting this.
During one of the last classes of the term, as I was just waking up from my first nap
of the class, my teacher announced that we were having a guest lecturer, a PhD candidate from Womyn's Studies. Oh my God, there was no way out! She was taking her
place at the blackboard, and I had now been napping for an hour and couldn't get
back to sleep. I was trapped and had sold my last cyanide pill. She started by putting
up a chart on what women have to deal with in the workplace in the culture we were
studying. She kept saying how tough women had it, but never made any comparisons to the male situation. As these observations lacked a control situation, I put my
hand up and asked:
"But how is this different for men?"
Her reply, with a definite air of 'you snotty little misogynist' was: "well, actually, it's
basically the same."
The chart had 'women' in the title, every comment was referring to women, what
the hell was this?
Next came the slide show. Oh my God, how much can you read into advertisement
and get away with it. The worst was a caffeine pill ad which had a bunch of businessmen bent over backwards, tow which this graduate student claimed that it symbolized how workers are seen as sacrifices to the company. IT'S A F*#@ING ADVERTISEMENT LADY, IT DOESN'T MEAN CRAP! These Calvin Klein One and Be ads
don't mean a bloody thing, it;s just a bunch of anorexic crack whores and pimps in
front of a black and white camera!
The coup de grace was the time she tried to pass off ads for two different products
as the same product, one was a no-doz with an ad showing people at work, the other
was a breath mint which had an ad saying something like 'breath on him and he'll
be your love slave'. She interpreted this as discriminatory advertising for the same
product. I had given up hope on stemming this propaganda, but my friend the only
other non-artsle in this pit Of vipers, put his hand up and commented that these
were two completely different products. The grad student looked around, confused
as hell, muttered something like 'It's horrible, just horrible' and changed the slide
quickly to a Naomi Campbell picture to her narration was: "Now this ;has nothing
to do with the culture you're studying, but it represents how women are viewed as
By the end of the lecture, it was so obvious from this set of artsy pictures that
women were seen as machines, monsters, inanimate objects, and that men form
groups together because even a single women is a cause of fear to them.
Now I fully respect women and appreciate everything they've been through, as I
stated earlier in the year, but with the crap coming from Women's Studies shows that
the term 'objective viewpoint' a dirty, misogynist term in Women's Studies just like
'competition' or 'The Lion King'.
Can't we all just get along (If not, would you please shut the hell up?)
Awaiting your hate mail...
-Remember, address your hate-mail to ANDREW MARTIN, and not to the editor.
Volunteers needed to help
with the Beyond First Year
and Beyond the & Sc.
events during Science
Week, Jan 26th to 30th.
se Contact Kat Murray
in the SUS Office, Chem
X-Mas Correspondent
I'd like to talk about tradition for a bit-ever;/ family has at least one tradition
around holiday time, be it going out into the forest to cut down a tree, visiting
the mall Santa, or watching Uncle Steve pass out under the Christmas tree wearing nothing but womens' underwear and a Christmas cracker paper crown caroling.
Yeah, that's it-caroling. In our family, every year we have tourtiere on Christmas Eve,
which is a French Canadian meat pie. We're not French Canadian, but we have it
anyway. Why? 'Cos we're Ukranian, and there's plenty of "traditional Ukranian dishes" that have mistakenly been identified as agents of biological warfare by UN
Inspection Forces. No I am not making that up. Really.
When a Ukranian-Canadian is born, the first thing they are given, aside from a solid
slap on the arse, is a copy of Savella "my friends call me Salmonella" Stechishin's epic
"Traditional Ukranian Cookery." According to her bio, Savella "presents these carefully compiled recipes in an atmosphere of the colour that has surrounded their use."
I don't know what that means exactly, but the book is sort of a peach colour with
brown trim. Most of the recipes are fairly decent, if a bit minimalist. Like Noodle
Puffs. Yes, I said Noodle Puffs. Here's a tip for anyone planning on getting into the
kids' breakfast cereal market-whatever you do, don't try to sell anything called
Noodle Puffs. No matter how much sugar you put in it, kids will not eat it. And what
the hell kind of toy do you put in a cereal called Noodle Puffs? A plastic Noodle Man
with googly eyes and a superhero cape? Yeah, I'd play with that in a second.
"Traditional Ukranian Cookery" starts to get really riveting on page 75, when the
Meat section begins. In the fascinating and culturally enlightening introduction to
this section, Savella notes that "all animals gained the power of speech on Christmas
Eve and expressed their praises or complaints about their treatment." Judging from
the recipes that.follow, I reckon that on Christmas Eve all the animals would be cursing a blue streak about their dubious fates. Just think if baby Jesus was born in one
of those mangers. Instead of "Amen" Christians would say "Hell yeah" and gangsta
rap could pass as hymns.   ~   ~~"~        ~——
I've chosen a few representative ingredients and instructions from such holiday
treats as Head Cheese and Saltseson (think Haggis but infinitely more disgusting) for
your amusement:
"Have the hog's head cut into quarters by the meat dealer. Remove the brains, teeth,
snout, and eyes, but retain the ears." Remember when you were young and your parents brought a fish home, and you'd always ask for the head to play with? Well, try
giving your kids the bits and bobs off of the hog's head and watch them grow up to
be seriously disturbed. And just why do you have to retain the ears anyway?
Aesthetic value? If you've gone so far as to have a severed hairy pig head on your
even a well-placed sprig of parsley can help you this time.
"Boiled beef tongue is inexpensive and keeps well for days. It is very handy for any
emergency." ANY EMERGENCY? I DON'T THINK SO. Did Little Billy just sever a finger in the woodshop's table saw? NO PROBLEM, just apply a bit of boiled beef tongue
from the emergency first aid kit. Trapped underwater in your car and can't get out?
NO PROBLEM-jimmy the lock with that boiled beef tongue you keep in the glove
compartment "just for emergencies like this." I will personally give a cash reward to
anyone who can prove how a boiled beef tongue: has been used to any end in an
emergency of any kind. Hell, I'll personally give a cash reward to anyone who's even
seen a boiled beef tongue.
"Singe, scrape and wash the pig's ears very thoroughly. Cut the heart into halves
and remove the veins and arteries. Cut away the roots from the tongue, scrub, skin,
and wash well. Split the kidneys into halves, remove the fat and tube, and wash thoroughly." Unless of course you get the Western Family Frozen Pre-Singed Pig Ears.
This recipe (Saltseson, in case there's someone out there disturbed enough to try it)
is also the only one which requires that you shape: the food for presentation using a
brick. That kinda raises a red flag right there, doesn't it? When was the last time you
used CEMENT in a recipe?
I think if there's one thing we've learned from this article, it's that. Well, I don't
think we've learned anything from this article. I think we all felt kinda sick anri^
queasy, but I'm pretty sure we didn't learn anything.
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6 JANUARY 1998
lay Garcia V1.98
It's been a relatively mediocre year
for movies. While there hasn't been a
Schindler's List for '97, neither has
there been a Cocoon (though Batman
and Robin comes close). Despite all their
faults, I'm finding some eerie coincidences between the movies and real life.
This leads to believe more and more in
the prognosticative powers of modern
filmmakers. Dame Esmerelda of the
Psychic Hotline has got nothing on Paul
Verhooven or James Cameron and others of their ilk. I swear that everything
that happened this past year had been
predicted by the movies.
For example, take Starship Troopers.
That movie predicted the domination of
the Spice Girls across the board in various music awards. Examine the movie
closely: a bunch of evil giant space
insects chewing the limbs off of various
generically good-looking space warriors
is an eerily similar parallel to the bloodsucking, high-pitched keening which
passes for the singing of the Spice Girls
in their march towards global Girl
Or how about Michael, starring the
increasingly beefy John Travolta, which
predicted the Heaven's Gate members
return to their alternate state of exis-
tance.   Both   stories   involve  weirdly
charismatic white men in comfortable
running shoes involved in organizations
with religious (specifically Biblical) overtones. Michael's death-transubstantia-
tion-into-feathers scene at the end of the
movie specifically mirrors the Heaven's
Gates members ascent into the spacecraft trailing Hale-Bopp.
Another example: Conspiracy Theory.
This movie was an eerie forshadowing of
Princess Diana's unfortunate exit from
this mortal coil, (it also similarly predicted the untimely demise of Michael
Kennedy, John Denver, and Chris
Farley). Shadow-conspiracy powers engineer the deaths of powerful world figures, as well as surplus entertainers and
politicians in order to further their own
dark agendas.
Pre-Med Hopeful
Jake McKinlay '97-8
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And take a look at Men In Black. This
secret-agents beyond the reach of the
government working to protect the
unsuspecting public from the evils of
intersteller creatures (and, theoretically,
vice versa) reflect the entire Vancouver
APEC summit, with the Mounties being
analogous to the Men In Black, the
unsuspecting public, in this case, being
the visiting dignitaries, and the interstellar creatures are the protesters.
Of course, the movies don't just predict
the events of the year; they also re-tell
them in a diferent form. As a prime case
of this, there's always the movie which
most mirrored the year as a whole: James
Cameron's, I-can't-believe-that-was-a-
three-hour-movie epic film Titanic. For
one, the entire romance between
Leonardo diCaprio's and Kate Winslet's
characters mirrors the entire flirtation
and exploitation between the First
World powers and the Third World during the course of the entire APEC summit meetings. And then there's the rocky
dinner scene where Jack Dawson has
dinner with the upper crust of the
Titanic which reflects Britain's handover
of Hong Kong to the Chinese. And how
about the Titanic's headlong plunge into
the dark night, only to run into an iceberg on the Atlantic Ocean pays homage
to Princess Diana's unfortunate headlong plunge into a concrete barrier on a
french highway. And of course, the
famous Titanic sinking scene links back
to a whole horde of water related disasters like the heavy rains in California
and the unseasonably snowy winters
across the continent. Additionally, the
sinking of the Titanic also accurately
reflected the downward plunge of the
Canadian dollar.
So, in the end, it looks like I'll be turning to the movies for my prediction. And
1998 looks like a banner year for movies;
Godzilla looks like a good bet for being a
great source of predictions for the rest of
the year. So, here's to year of good, clean,
psychic fun at the movies.
- Jay Garcia is starring in the much-awaited sequel to Boogie Nights. He will star as
Jose Sanchez, a Mexican porn star who
struggles his way to the top, with his two
sisters Juanita and Zanita.
BOX 152
18790 Millway Rd.
Houston, Tx.
Ask Dr. Temple
Dr. Temple
Sexual Therapist
Well, Christmas time is over,
and done is the ritualistic
exchange of gifts. One popular
gift is a fancy wristwatch, especially
among maturing young men. However,
the new Seiko Kinetic has hospitalized
thousands. As it's name might suggest,
the watch has no battery, nor does it
need winding, instead it gets it's energy
by harnessing the natural kinetic motion
of the arm. This idea has been immensely popular and the watches have done
well in almost all demographics. One
group however, males aged 12 to 18, has
shown a very negative reaction. In the
nearly two weeks since Christmas there
have been close to 3000 cases in Canada
of boys being admitted into emergency
wards with severe second degree burns
on their wrists. Apparently the Seiko corporation did not take into account the
extremely large amounts of kinetic energy that boys aged 12 to 18 are capable of
generating with their arms. In a recent
interview with company president
Helmut Groening, all allegations that
the Seiko corporation was liable were
denied. "There has been no conclusive
evidence that the Seiko Kinetic wrist-
watch has been responsible for any
malfeasance." responded Helmut as he
absentmindedly rubbed the bandage on
his wrist. "We have begun an internal
inquiry into the incidents and will take
appropriate actions based on the
inquiry's findings." When asked what
had caused the overheating of the
watches, nearly air victims replied that
they had been jogging when the burns
occurred. A surprising number of victims
were out jogging during the hours of ten
to midnight, and almost 400 British boys
were sent to hospital due to jogging
home from a Spice Girls concert that
night. I recently received a letter from
one UBC student that was seriously
affected by these watches:
Dear Dr. Temple,
Over the Christmas break I went home
to visit my family in Kamloops. It was
quite cold up there so I frequently took
to jogging to keep myself warm. Usually
first thing in the morning and last thing
at night I would go out for a jog to keep
my blood warm. I developed a habit of
jogging every day, because there is little
to do in Kamloops other than jog. By
Christmas I had become quite good at
jogging, and could sustain a brisk jog for
up to twenty minutes without tiring. On
Christmas morning Ireceived a new
watch. It was one of those new kinetic
energy watches, the ones that generate
energy from the motions of the body.
Well, I had put it on Christmas morning,
and was wearing it all day, when I decided to go out for a jog to help digest
Christmas dinner. I was jogging very
briskly, and was making good time.
About five minutes into my jog I had
noticed that the watch had suddenly
become very hot. By the time I got it off,
it had burnt the skin beneath and had
already causing some blistering. In fact
had I not suddenly stopped jogging, I
would have been too distracted to notice
that my watch had become quite hot,
and worse burns would have occurred. I
decided that, instead of going to a doctor's office, I would write you for advice
as to how I can alleviate the discomfort
and pain my burn has caused. After all, I
wouldn't want to waist a doctor's time
explaining how I got this injury while I
was jogging. I have been told to put ice,
cold water, Vaseline, and even butter on
the burn, but I am not sure what to do. I
have also written a strongly worded letter to Seiko, the makers of the watch,
and hopefully I will be able to get some
compensation from them, but until then
I will just have to wait and not use my
watch. In the mean time I suggest that
you put out a warning to people that
have bought these kinds of watches.
Adam Weathermen
Well Adam, you can take comfort knowing that yours is not the first letter of this
sort that I have received. What I can suggest to you is that you restrict the intensity of your jogging, and perhaps, if you
are to jog at all, remove your watch
before doing so. As for the burn, cold
water is more effective than ice or butter,
and Vaseline prevents air from getting to
the wound, so you'll want to save that
for another day. I also recommend that
you go to http://www.seiko.com/com-
plaints/kinetic/severe_burns/ and sign
the electronic petition that they have
there. You can also join the new support
group for people affected by these
watches. They meet in SUB room 231
and the meetings are BYOT.
-Dr. Temple has an old-fashioned, battery-
powered watch. This is not, ofcouse, the
only thing that Craig owns which is old-
fashionefl,and battery-powered, -ed.
Realistic Death Grimace
Shattered Sternum!
Push to hear authentic
death scream!
Broken Spine !
For easy folding and
Reattachable Arms!
Rub with warm water
to make contusions
appear! Disappear
with cold water!
Fits in the Glove
Of Four Different
Cars !
Coming Soon from
• The John Denver
Kit-Plane Kit!
• The Mother Teresa
Respirator Set!
• The Nicole Brown
Simpson Steak Knife
15 JANUARY 1998
All submissions should be in
both hard (paper) and soft
(disk) form.
stories about anything in
the world will be accepted,
as long as it makes the editor chuckle at least thrice.
all contributions must be in
6 JANUARY 1998
The John~ian Calender
Yet another year has passed us by.
We've spent yet another New
Year's Eve drinking ourselves into
blind stupidity and yet another New
Year's Day wondering why the hell that
damned cockroach is shuffling so frick-
ing loudly in the corner. Why do we do
this? Why do we party ourselves silly
just because the '97' part of the date
turned into a '98'? What makes the last
day of December a better day to party
than any other day? The sad answer is
December 31st is about as insignificant
as January 1st, or May 5th for that matter. Why don't we celebrate other completely irrelevant dates like December
25th, August 13th or April 12th?
The reason is that all you mindless
sheep out there are stuck in your little
routines and stubbornly refuse to let go
of tradition. Take a look at our modern
traditions. How many of them perform a
useful function or even make an iota of
A few examples: hiding a child's tooth
under his pillow so some demented pixie
can break into the kid's room during the
night to exchange said tooth for a quarter (or nickel if your parents were cheap).
Huh? What possible use could this magical being have for hundreds of thousands of partially decayed children's
teeth? The only plausible use old teeth
have is as those stirring balls in pressurized spray cans. Telling our children this
story has no social benefit. But we still
How about telling kids about a mythical
bunny rabbit that clucks while laying
chocolate eggs randomly around the
house during the night. What kind of
genetic freak would this thing have to
be? And we want our kids to believe it
exists? Talk about skewing reality.
Next we traumatize tomorrow's leaders
by explaining to them that no matter
how well they lock up their houses, a big
fat man in a 70s-ish velvet suit can still
squeeze down their chimney to steal
milk and cookies. He could just as easily
take the stereo, or the kid for that matter.
No wonder modern kids are a little
messed up.
Between these three traditional tales
alone, we have convince our young that
the night is the time when mythical
freaks come to do whatever sick and
twisted things they see fit, and there's
nothing we can do to stop them. And
you wonder why thousands of five year
olds refuse to go to sleep because of
monsters under their beds.
With these three stories alone, we are
creating millions of dollars of business
for tomorrow's psycho-therapists.
Nevermind the fairy tales about cutting
the tails off of mice, babies falling from
cradles several stories about ground
level, or nailing hippies to wooden
With all this garbage flying into our
youths ears, it's a wonder they don't
develop some serious psychopathic tendencies. _
So why do we fell the kids these misguided lies? Because tradition tells us to,
and we're not going to change our ways
because we have no independent will. I
mean, why change something when
your parents and parent's parents did it
this way? Tradition makes right, doesn't
it? Well,  I've got news for you:  the
ancient Hiddites used to rub still steaming horse manure on self-inflicted
wounds for no apparent reason. They
did this for centuries simply because it
was a tradition. Or how about the
Giwarfia of ancient southeast Asia, who
would feed any third-born sons to the
local fireants. Once again, no reason
could be given, it simply was done. This
practice was carried out well into the second century C.E. when a particularly
brave and forward-thinking Giwar
pointed out that the tribes pest problem
with fireants might have something to
do with excess food for the ants and a
lack of male Giwar to exterminate said
ants. He was promptly fed to some nearby ants, but he started the ball of reform
I know what you're thinking. You're
saying to yourself that these are barbaric
and irrational traditions that have no
possible benefit for the individual or
society. Just repeat that thought to yourself everytime you toss salt over your
shoulder or stand outside in zero degree
weather for two hours to get the same
deal on a television you could have had
two weeks early with no wait.
Ready to change yet? Good. So where
do we start? Let's tackle the biggest problem with society today, let's start with
the calendar. Our current calendar
makes no sense.
Think about it: why do we keep our current calendar? One month has 31 days,
the next has 30. February, for some reason that is beyond my understanding,
has a freaky 28 days. And no month has
29 days, except for that freaky February,
which has 29 days once every four
years... but not if the year ends in two
'O's... except if the year is divisible by
Who made these rules, anyway? I'll tell
you who. A 16th century pope, that's
who. Pope Gregory XIII (why were there
so many popes named Greg and not one
Ralph?) established the Gregorian
Calendar (egotistical bastard) in 1582.
We've been obediently using it ever
since. This guy's-this pope's-job was to
sit in a dimly lit room all day pretending
to talk to God. Obviously, this job was so
stressful that he had enough spare time
to redesign the way the entire world
looks at time tracking... and do a relatively shitty job of it, too (actually the
quality of the job was mostly based on
the man's intelligence, and not the
amount of time devoted to said project.
Holy doesn't necessarily mean smart).
Let's face it, it would be far more practical to create a 13th month. This would
result in 13 months, each containing
exactly 28 days, adding up to 364 days in
a year. Easy, right? Fixes everything,
right? Wrong. The more astute of you
might have noticed that there are actually 365.25 days in a year (the 0.25 days is
why we have a February 29th every four
years). So how does my calendar adjust
for this? Just make the day a bit longer.
Add some null time around four AM,
when no one is actually awake anyway.
It works out to five minutes a day. I don't
think anyone will notice. Heck, you'd
get a bit more sleep and wake up a bit
Makes sense, doesn't it? Think it'll catch
on? Not bloody likely. If we all adopted
this new calendar, we'd have to scrap
December 31st. Let's face it, that is one
tradition that people aren't going to give
up easily.
-John failed miserably in his only attempt
at priest-hood, after passing gas loudly in
front of the Archbishop, red
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