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The 432 Sep 17, 2002

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J/J 1>J^S  JS&
'I can picture in my mind a world without war, a world without hate.
And I can picture us attacking that world because they would never expect it/
-Deep Thoughts, by Jack Handey
Geek Gene Discovered
Genetic Engineering Already Under Way
Vancouver - Reuters
An exciting press release was issued
last week at the Center for Human
Genome Studies in Vancouver, BC.
While decoding the human genome,
approximately 30,000 genes long, a single
pattern was found repeatedly in over 7,400
volunteers. This sequence, twenty-five
codons long, has now been dubbed the
"geek gene."
Researcher, Dr. Jean Poole, first noticed
the striking similarities between the volunteers possessing this sequence. "I noticed,
while reviewing their biographies, that all
persons possessing this gene had at least
one university degree, and in approximately 60% of cases, a second upper level
degree, such as a Masters or Doctoral
degree," proclaimed Poole. Further statistical- "evidence hacked up the idea, that this
was indeed the "geek gene."
Before proceeding with this evidence,
researcher Dr. Perry Dime clarified the
meaning of this gene. "Persons possessing
this gene are by no means anti-social or
lacking in skin pigmentation, but rather
they display a great keenness for a particular area, and in most cases have strong
background in secondary areas. These people are highly educated and although seem
to be less skilled on the athletic side, have
well-rounded personalities." When the
reporter asked what percentage of people
in a bar would possess the "geek gene," the
answer was surprisingly high. According
to Dr. Dime, in bars approximately 5 kilometers radius from educational and
research institutions, up to 85% of persons
may possess the geek gene. It should not
be too shocking, as Dr. Dime pointed out,
as every Friday and occasionally Wednesdays, his whole team would "piss off
early" and go for drinks. Also, he notes
that quite frequently good research ideas
are conceived in bars that lead to advanced
research and amazing discoveries.
After discovery of this "geek gene,'
many correlations were studied
between various activities, fields of
work and persons possessing the
gene. It was
found that
there was a
89% correlation
between persons possessing the gene
and working in
the areas of
astrophysics, biochemistry, and Latin studies. Also, historical scientists, in such areas
as paleobiostratigraphy and planetary geophysics, as well as classical musicians had
a 78% correlation. Alarmingly, only 43% of
medical doctors in this study were found
to possess the "geek gene," 87% of which
were research doctors.
A second study, was aimed to draw correlations between activities of interest and
possession of the "geek gene." Many persons possessing the gene enjoyed such television shows such as Star Trek, Monty
Python, and Friends, and enjoyed authors
such as Tolkien, Asimov, Sagan, Niven,
Pratchett, and Canadian authors, Guy
Gavriel Kay, and Farley Mowat. It was also
found that 65% of "geek geners" played
role playing games such as Dungeons and
Dragons, Magic the
Gathering, and
popular role-
playing computer games
such as
and  Never-
Many    "geek
geners,"   especially those in Science fields, played a
classical instrument such as piano, 58%,
violin 33%, French horn, 41%, cello 15%
and tuba 8%.
The "geek gene" has raised much debate
in the scientific community. The largest
question being posed is that of the nature
versus nurture question. Is the "geek gene"
purely genetic? Or are there environmental
factors? Dr. Poole pointed out that there
are many potential avenues of follow-up
research in areas such as sociology. In a
rapidly changing society, bombarded with
new technology and gadgets for the every
day person, it has been remarked by many
sociologists that Western culture is shifting
towards a greater percentage of so-called
geeks. If the gene is caused by environmental factors, it is speculated that
younger generations would have a higher
percentage of "geek genes." Poole and his
colleagues hope to get more funding to do
a comprehensive demographic study of
persons possessing the gene.
Doctors Perry Dime and Jean Poole speculate a very busy year to come. Already,
their team has received volunteer applications from over 1,200 people wishing to
take part in further research on the "geek
gene." However, they note that they would
like to have more participation from people that do not consider themselves geeks,
as the researchers do not wish to bias
results in their effort to obtain a better
understanding on the effects of the gene.
It has also been suggested that other "personality genes," may be out there. This
discovery further widens the long standing
argument of personalities being the result
of genes versus the result of culture and
environment. The emergence of other such
"personality genes" may further shed light
on this argument. The research team and
the Center for Human Genome Studies
will be opening up a trust fund to receive
donations toward their "personality gene"
research. Further details will be released in
future press releases.
by   Jack McLaren and Pat Spacek
http7/www pMf com
New Bomb Reduces
Unusable Footage
if you die and go to Heaven, thousands of people up them
will be better than you at anything you try. Think your life
down here k depressing? My friend, you have no idea.
Washington - Reuters
According to Pentagon sources, the
final testing stage for a new generation of high yield guided ordinance, or "smart bombs," has been completed and approved for deployment in the
likelihood of war against the nation of Iraq.
During Operation Desert Storm, the previous US led attack against Iraq, a large
portion of the dramatic TV footage
received from guided bombs successfully
destroying their targets were unusable due
to the fact they displayed a large amount of
potential "collateral damage" on the
recorded images.
Commented one Pentagon spokesmen
who declined to be named, "Even though
the footage itself usually did not show anyone being shred to pieces by flying debris
or being incinerated on the spot, silhouettes of civilians in the blast area were still
clearly visible before detonation. At the
time, we could not trust our otherwise
patriotic citizens to not make the connection and grow sentimental for the enemy.
Our entire war effort depended on it."
As claimed by the same source, more than
60% of the footage recorded by the military
was rendered unusable for public viewing
due to the weapons' inability to destroy
their targets without exposing the presence
of nearby civilians. What remained were
recordings showing only the destruction of
facilities in isolated areas, giving the average citizen back home a very limited view
to the whole scope of the war.
To counter this potential media crisis, the
US air force has already begun to outfit aircraft with the newly developed 5,000
pound laser guided bomb, dubbed "Flying
Patriot." If this new generation of smart
weapons performs to expectations, ground
targets can now be destroyed by bombs
detonating at altitudes too high for onboard cameras to reveal the presence of
civilian bystanders. US citizens can then
expect to see exciting footage of successful
air strikes without the military lowering
camera resolution fo unsatisfactory, blurry
levels. As an added advantage, any nearby
Iraqi civilians will also be instantly vaporized by the bomb's increased load of explo- _
sives, instead of leaving behind horribly
burned and mangled victims to be exploited by Saddam Hussein and his state controlled media for the sake of swaying public sentiments. Page Two
17 September 2002
Volume Sixteen
Issue Two
17 September 2002
Benjamin Warrington
Miyako Hewett
Show (Photo Finish)
Sameer Wahid
Frank Yang
Albert Chen
Gill Gunson
Miyako Hewett
Graeme Kennedy
Jo Krack
Kristin Lyons
Andy Martin
Angelique Myles
Kevin Nottle
Kat Scotton
Annes Song
Ben Tippett
Benjamin Warrington
Dan Yokom
Eggy Yuh
Chris Zappavigna
Printed by
College Printers, Vancouver, BC
Legal Information
The 432 is published fortnightly
from the pancreas of the Colonel
Klinck Building. All views expressed
in this issue are strictly those of the
individual writers, and as such are
not the responsibility of the 432,
The Science Undergraduate Society,
or the Faculty of Science. Writers
and cartoonists are encouraged to
submit their material to the 432.
Submissions must meet the requirements of making the editor chuckle
thrice, and contain the author's
name and contact information.
The editors of the 432 would like to
encourage reader feedback. If you
have something bad to say, disregard your mother and say it (If you
have something good to say you
may also say it)!
Contact us at: fhe432@hotmai/.com
Editorial Rantings
icva^    Ben Warrington
Hotmail is Evil
Hotmail recently filed our Director
of Sports's exec report [see page 7]
in the junk mail folder. "Consolidate your debt," "Restore your bald head,"
and "Increase your penis size by 3-4 inches," get through, but "Exec Report" doesn't. I could write a better email filter. Anyway, if you send an email, make sure it has
a descriptive subject line like, "432 submission," or "Death threat for the editor of the
432," to ensure that your mail gets read.
This is especially important if you have a
really Whacky email address. If you have
sent a message that you thought deserved
a response, but you didn't get a response,
send the message again because I deleted it
as junk.
Secondly, Hotmail has been taking it's
sweet ass time getting mail to me. A couple
of submissions that were sent on time did
not show up until Sunday morning. I can't
exactly say, "No, your club ad doesn't get
in because Hotmail decided to fuck you
over." It is a real pain in the ass for me,
though. I guess it is one more reason to get
your submissions in on time because you
never know when Hotmail will strike.
Hopefully, sometime this year, we will
move beyond Hotmail and get new email
services that will help with these problems.
The drawback is that if you want service,
you have to pay for if. Damn it all to hell.
Letter to the Editor
After last issue, I received the following
really dumb question., your newspaper isn't actually
news is it?
Its more like a national enquirer type thing?
please respond back.
While I resented the comparison to the
National Enquirer, I tried to reply as honestly as I could:
We aim for satirical comedy. You don't have to switch
to nursing, though some of us think that it is a good
As far as "real" news goes, we do have genuine
reports from the Science Undergraduate Society
under the title, "The Drawers of SUS," which usually
appears on page seven. Advertisements are also genuine for the most part (it should be pretty obvious
when they are not, such as the coupon for "slightly
used grapes"). So, even if you are not into satire, it is
worth picking up to find out what events are going on,
and so on.
-Ben W.
Mandy's response:
but i am already in nursing ;)
the article was good cheers to those who wrote it and
i think you should have to take nursing to get into med
school :p but then again thats my opinion
thanks again
I like praise whether I deserve it or not.
The Parking Lot is Full No Longer
We have been running PLIF on the cover
of the 432 for some time, but it is no longer
being drawn. It is only a matter of time
until we run out of archives to exploit, so
we need a cartoonist. Preferably, we would
like one who attends UBC in the Faculty of
Science, but we'll accept submissions from
Dumb Assed Easy Contest
No one sent in an entry. Not a single person. If you had listed a single place where
you can buy alcohol and sent it in, you
would have won a mug. Oh well, too late
now. Look for future Dumb Assed Easy
Jinx Horror-scope
U  Albert Chen
March 21 to April 20
You'll get xeroderma pigmentosum.
Don't ask me why. Well, don't worry about
it: it's just an extremely rare disease that
affects less than 1% of the global population with absolutely no cure in sight, so
stop fussing. The chance of people being
hit by a bus is much higher than that.
Heck, the chance of winning the lottery is
even higher than that (1/54, to be specific),
so I guess you are REALLY lucky.
April 21 to May 21
It's time to focus on your priority. The
stuff in your fridge is probably producing
new stuff, so a thorough clean-up is necessary. Pickup all those coins, for you shall
need it in the near future. Who knows,
there are people who get $50 by just picking up loose change, so keep on picking.
May 22 to June 21
The stars were aligned to get you bad
breath, but seeing how unpopular you are
already, they shall leave your own skills to
shine. Sorry, I am just telling you what I've
read from my crystal ball. Don't blame it
on the messenger.
June 22 to July 22
You shall go to bed with a slimy green
monster, at least that's what you will think
after a quantity of beer and vodka. Need I
say more?
July 23 to August 23
The stars will be aligned few days from
now and you shall walk away with the perfect prank. To tell you the truth, the alignment will only last about 5 seconds, so I
don't know if it is worth it anyway...take a
rubber ducky for good luck.
H Virgo
August 24 to September 23
Believe it or not, the best thing you can do
for yourself right now is to start pickling
stuff. In fact, the more you pickle, the luckier you shall get. Think about it: the price
of produce is about to go up now that we
are approaching winter, so wouldn't it
make sense to act now? So what are you
waiting for? Grab that bottle of cheap vinegar, toss in some mushrooms and eggs,
and let's pickle.
September 24 to October 23
The worst thing you can do for yourself in
the next two weeks would be pickling.
Avoid it at all cost. No, you can still enjoy
your pickled eggs, but just don't actually
do it. Think about it, the sharp scent of
vinegar is so out of the window by now, so
give it up before bad luck hits you.
October 23 to November 22
Some juicy details shall be revealed about
your ex, but I wouldn't be too excited
about it yet. Something tells me that the
outcome won't be that simple. The last
time we had this alignment, one of my coworkers found out her supposedly dead
"true love" was actually alive, gained 200
pounds, and changed his name to Fifi.
November 23 to December 21
I don't normally say this, but I think you
KNOW too much. The government is after
you, watching every single move of yours
and trying to zap you with the truth
serum. Wait, I see agent approaching, so I
shall tell you no more.
December 22 to January 20
You shall have a messy breakup that
prompts you to join the witness protection
program. I would love to tell you more, but
if I reveal too much I shall have to join the
witness protection program, too, so I can't
help you in this area. Take care.
January 21 to February 19
You need to start paying attention to people, or else people won't pay attention to
you...wait a minute, did you say something? I wasn't paying attention.
February 20 to March 20
I wouldn't bet on getting a loan from your
parents. Chances are they have to look at
your transcript first, and the screening
process will get a lot harder from there on.
So why take that risk? There are a lot of
jobs out there that pays equally well, say,
Writ c lor us. Please.
We arc skipping a week to line up Issue 3 with Council Elections:
The Next Deadline is October 2 at 4:52pm. 17 September 2002
Page Three
The Other Side
Angelique Myles
ihe other side' was how he
described it as his voice trailed into
oblivion. I stood inches away from
him with only a park bench separating us.
I had stopped to put something in my
backpack and he approached me and said
"Hey kid." Surprised at being addressed by
a complete stranger, I acknowledged his
presence with a "hello" followed by a brief
stare, and then he started to talk. It was as
though a swarm of bees were sitting in his
mouth just waiting to escape. Each bee carried with it a word, a phrase, a lyric from a
song and they all came buzzing out of his
mouth in a steady flow: one tumbling over
the next.
I had just spent the better part of my day
trudging all over the city handing out my
resume to numerous restaurants, shops,
laundromats, and cafes. At this point, my
head felt fuzzy. I was parched with thirst,
tired, and my feet were sore from blisters. I
longed to sit down and read a magazine
about people I would never meet and
things that I would never buy. But blocking my escape into the lives of the rich and
famous was this Socrates impersonator
standing in front of me, declaring that I
was a lamb amongst the masses and that I
was just part of a herd doing exactly what
I was supposed to do.
I was transfixed by his propositions, his
articulation, and his enthusiasm at what he
was asserting. I had thought about these
same issues myself. During moments of
reflection just as I am about to nod off, I
have pondered my existence until my
thoughts swiftly jump to what I am going
to have for breakfast. I am sure that most
people have wondered what would happen if we didn't follow life's unwritten doctrines. When you are waiting for the subway during rush hour among the masses,
and as exhausted bedraggled people push
by you, you can't help but question if this
is what we are really supposed to be
doing? Rushing from one place to the next,
in and out of one tunnel and then onto
another train, until you reach your final
destination and hope that someone at the
other end has started to make supper and
has remembered to take out the trash. That
is not to say that you cannot be a success if
you don't live within the societal bounds.
In fact, I am almost positive that some of
the most prosperous people did not "do as
they were told", so to speak. But let's just
say that on average most people play it
safe. They pay their bills, mow their lawns,
and tidy their sock drawers. Maybe not to
the same extent, but in general most people
seek some sort of normalcy so that they
feel comfortable and secure.
So, on this rather monotonous day, my
normalcy took an abrupt sojourn when
Socrates started his rant. It wasn't like a
lecture because his ideas were sporadic
and jolted out of him, spanning the gambit
from rock music to Shakespeare. It was as
though he had ingested copious amounts
of black coffee and was now allowing his
mind to unravel from the immediate caffeine inebriation. Indeed he was holding a
coffee cup. He sputtered and spewed out
notions about institutions, declaring that
universities teach by using stress as a
method of educating. I nodded my head in
agreement having just completed my second year. Stress was perpetually at my
doorstep no matter how many sticks of
incense I burnt or long runs I took. It never
went away.
I am not sure how long I stood there listening to him go on. But for some strange
reason it seemed as though time had
stopped and I was standing in a nebulous
cloud, listening to this voice instructing me
that once I had started to see things his
way, I would be reborn. My thoughts
jumped from thinking that he was trying to
get me to join a cult (which I still haven't
completely ruled out) to being profoundly
curious as to what would happen if I
joined him. The idea that I could be one of
the special people who see the world in a
new form was intriguing but also somewhat disturbing. It appears to be less complicated to accept the world as it is and just
follow the well-trodden path than it is to
enlist in some kind of crusade in order to
find the true meaning of existence. It is so
much easier to remain part of the flock and
move along the assembly line hoping that
nothing breaks until we reach the average
Western life span of 80. By then if we have
the energy to voice our inner opinion about
life's conspiracies, people will politely listen and grin while silently think that old
age definitely brings about senility.
I became aware that we were in a very
public place, and I began to feel somewhat
self-conscious. I didn't really care if people
thought I was talking to a lunatic; rather, I
just didn't want anyone to approach us and
accuse him of accosting me or disrupting
the peace. So I asked him a question in
order for it to appear as though we were
having a conversation and not as though
he were preaching to me about the errors
of society and how once on 'the other side,'
life would never be the same. My one question to him was "What do you do?" It was
the prescribed question. He responded by
telling me that I was attempting to place
him, to categorize him in some way so that
I would feel more comfortable. He accused
me of doing what everyone else would do,
in my fear, trying to make an awkward situation into something normal. I knew he
was correct; I had realized that as the
words came out of my mouth. Would finding out that he was actually a doctor or a
professor make the situation? his words?
ideas? rant? more acceptable? Perhaps it
would, but what if he told me that he was
homeless and unemployed? Would I then
quickly recoil and run away to the nearest
public washroom? My mind was now
abuzz with all of his ideas, and I really
began to feel like a disciple. Ignoring my
question, he began again; famous quotes
and lyrics rolled off his tongue. He serenaded me with rock songs and poetic stanzas. I was transfixed, and each time I began
to think that I was talking to someone who
was on a day pass from an institution for
'people who colour outside the lines,' I was
quickly reassured. Witnessing the fight or
flight dilemma written across my face, he
stopper for a moment and declared that he
was quite sane.
After a brief handshake, I was able to walk
away from him only to have him chase
after me with one final lesson about the
symbolic meaning of the moon. It wasn't
that I was scared of him or that I had to
urgently be somewhere else, I just felt the
whole situation was very overwhelming
and surreal. Standing in front of me was a
man who contained a world of knowledge
and wanted to share it. Unfortunately, it all
came out in one big unintelligible spew,
and now, I can only remember fragments.
However, I remain truly amazed at his
urgency and devotion to change the way
people think. I was, and still am, attracted
to his ideas, and the thought of being on
the other side of the mirror seems tempting. When we parted, I knew he wasn't
crazy at all. In fact, I believe him to be the
most real person that I have ever met. I
may never see him again, but his image
will stay with me forever. He will be that
little repressed voice in my head which
tells me in soft whispers that life is not all
that it appears to be and that it is okay to
think these quizzical thoughts. At least
until the car behind me honks, and it is my
turn to proceed through the lights.
What I Did On My
Summer Vacation
Planes, Training, and an Automobile
Graeme Kennedy
He's not dead?
My chick and I have gone 'bi'.
Coastal, that is. Locations in Vancouver
and Halifax. And it's a pain in the ass. She
got her residency at Dal... five years. Ouch.
So, I plunked down $800 to fly out there
and help her get settled and have a look
around (I'll probably move when I graduate). And I'll probably head out again in
the Fall, and she's heading back for Christmas. Back and forth. Looks bad.
I felt strangely at home in Halifax. It's like
a little Vancouver, but with more students.
It was August, and - swear to God - the city
was still half populated by frat boys, pissing off the locals, barfing their keg of
Keith's right back up and onto the pavement outside their 15-student shared accomodation. I'll fit right in.
Run, Forrest, run.
I spent a decade as a competitive swimmer, managing to ruin the statistics in high
school fitness testing strictly by having
good cardio but absolutely no team sport
skills to speak of. Nevertheless, these days,
I'm trying to compete in triathlons, and my
running splits just don't cut it. So I've been
trying to train lately, running a few kilometers a week, and it's just killing me.
No, I mean that literally: I think this will
kill me. My flat feet ache, I have shin
splints, the shoulder I broke in Maui feels
like Vin Diesel tried to give me a purple
nurple, but seized my collarbone instead
and just keeps twisting-
Dude, where's my car?
I have a transportation problem right now.
I'm biking to work in Richmond from
North Vancouver. It's insane, and I'm living in fear of that Vancouver phenomenon:
"inclement weather".
Why am I biking? I mean, I have a job, a
good income, I haven't killed any old
ladies in fireball vehicular manslaughter
disasters, so I can get insurance and have a
licence... What, you ask, is the problem?
My car is frickin' missing, that's the problem. It's infuriating. I left the car at my
mechanic's to get a new motor and when I
come back from Halifax the guy's out of
business and my car is nowhere to be
found. And my insurance will have nothing to do with it until I can prove that it's
either stolen or destroyed. They point out
that I gave the man the keys.
When: Sept 26th, Thursday night
Where: Woodward
A chance for execs & members to
meet...and to get
FREE pizza & a movie !
Members free! Non-members $3. Page Four
17 September 2002
Welcome to Vanderhoof
Jo Krack
City Wuss
Returning home after nearly twelve
hours in a van with my boyfriend,
aunt, and dirty laundry, I can now
safely say: I survived the boonies. I'm sure
some of you are from the country, or the
interior, or up north, or back east, or some
such hellish place. Not me. I am a city girl,
born and raised. Even though I had the
misfortune to be born in Alberta (the family photo that stands out in my mind is me,
in a snowsuit, surrounded by snow, bawling), my mom quickly realised that Calgary was too much cowboy, not enough
city, and moved us to Vancouver, where
we've been ever since.
So. To recap: City Girl.
Yet for some reason, I had promised my
aunt that I'd come see her sometime this
summer, since I've never been to her place
in Vanderhoof. Yup, you heard me right:
Vanderhoof. Population 5,000, and they all
know each other. It's an hour or so east of
Prince George, for those of you who know
where that is.
So, like a good niece, I kept my word. And
then my boy said "no way you're leaving
me for a week, then jaunting off to Japan!"
and decided to come with me. So the two
of us made the looong drive up, interrupted only by logging trucks, a bighorn sheep
(right on the highway!), and assorted rednecks in trucks.
Once in Vanderhoof, boy, did the fun
begin! We found out they had a Tim Horton's and a 7-11, and that pretty much
saved the day. You can walk through
"downtown" Vanderhoof in about 15 minutes or so, so of course the locals drive
everywhere. It's never hard to find a parking spot, and there's no such thing as pay
parking! Which brings me to a list of
Things That Rock About Hick Towns:
Vehicles rule. It doesn't matter if you drive
a truck, a gutless wonder, an ATV, a motorbike, or one of those rider-mowers. In a
small town, you will be permitted to (a)
drive it everywhere and (b) park it anywhere for free. You can even take it "mud-
ding," which (near as I could figure out)
consists of driving assorted vehicles
through muddy back roads until they flip,
become stuck, or both. Then you round up
some good ol' boys and haul your vehicle
out again! Hours of endless fun!
Staring is OK. Ever feel like Vancouver
was a little uptight, with everyone sizing
you up using peripheral vision rather than
marching right up to you and giving you a
good Hard look over? Welcome to a small
town! The locals are sniffing something
city, and they think it's coming from you!
They're none too subtle 'bout checking you
out, neither.
Wildlife is everything. Yes, there was a
bighorn sheep standing at the side of the
highway, checking out traffic. Later a brave
(or stupid, probably on a dare) deer decided to bolt across the highway. Then my
aunt and I went visiting one evening, and
as we were all sitting around in the living
room, one of the guys suddenly said, "Oh
look, a bear." And there, right outside the
picture window a few feet away, was a
black bear. I was a little awed at first, but
must admit I lost my awe when it sat down
and started scratching its armpit with a
hind leg.
Nature is your playground. Yup, it's true.
My boy and I went kayaking, ripped
around in an ATV, and cooked steaks over
an open fire. We also played volleyball in
cold sand until our toes became numb, tennis in the rain until everything became
numb, and squash and racquetball indoors
where nothing would get numb (we eventually learned our lesson).
And now, I feel obligated to announce that
there are also some drawbacks (throw-
backs?) to small town life (based on the
small glimpse of it I've gleaned, anyway).
Bugs. Bugs bugs bugs. From mosquitoes
to black flies and wasps, if it bites or stings
it awaits you north of Vancouver. Mother
Nature severely stress-tests those hardy
souls who venture out of Vancouver's carefully-controlled environment. The hicks, er
I mean, relatives, laughed at me as I
retreated indoors after one too many bug
bite. "C'mon camping with us," yelled my
uncle. "A few doses a' mosquito-clouds
would set ya straight!" Which brings me to
Point Number Two.
Small town folks constantly feel the need
to prove that size isn't everything. You
don't hear city folks listing of* all the reasons why the city is superior to the country. You know why? Because it's common
knowledge. Everyone knows. But when
people live in small towns, they have to
prove their sanity by coming up with more
and more outlandish reasons why they just
absolutely could not give up such gems as
mosquito clouds and 40-degree-below
weather. The one I kept hearing was that it
"toughens you up." For what? I live in the
city so I don't have to be tough! You want
tough? Join the army or something! But
spending your whole life "toughening up"?
For what? Death? Believe me, you don't
need to be tough for death; death takes
Anyway, the long and the short of it is: I
went. I shivered and got eaten by bugs. I
returned, more set in my city ways than
ever. Wanna try to convince me that a
small town is really the place to be? Send
me an email: gimmekrack@hotmail.com.
And stay tuned for my next column, coming at you from the big city of Osaka,
Japan, where I begin my "studies" (oooh,
sake!) in just a few weeks!
The 10 Rules of
Road Work:
Andy Martin
Hardly Working
1. The road to be worked on must be
blocked off at least one week prior to work
beginning. This ensures that the asphalt
will lie fallow long enough to make it fertile for construction.
2. There must be at least one person per
job site who is responsible for doing what
the pylons and road signs do by themselves.
3. Any sign-holder must make at least as
much as the person currently driving by.
4. During the aforementioned work period of 10AM-3PM, no more than half of the
road crew is permitted to work at any one
time, as it would cause tiredness, dislike of
the job, and other sources of workman's
5. Watching the work being done counts
as working as it causes the worker to be
assaulted with images of labour. However,
it is important for half the road crew to do
this, as it assures that they too know what
work looks like.
6. Government contracts go to the lowest
bidder, so your company must make an
insanely low bid, which will grant you the
contract, upon which you can have
immense overruns that the taxpayer will
begrudgingly pay you for.
7. Frequent naps are encouraged.
8. Hard hats are required while on the
work site, especially when you are outdoors, above ground and no equipment
will ever be above waist level.
9. The employer must have equal opportunity hiring of bulbous ugly sexist freaky
people practices.
10. No alcohol or drugs are permitted on
the premises if there's anybody watching.
Good At Filling Awkward Spaces Like This? Write For the 432.
Alternative & Integrative
ftfedical Society
AIMS is a non-profit group consists of students and faculty who recognize the
increasing popularity of integrative, complementary and alternative treatments
and have taken the initiative to bring this branch of medicine to UBC.
Our mandate is to provide qualtiy, unbiased information to the UBC community
Benefits of club membership include:
Free admission to lectures
Access to an existing and expanding journal/magazine database (library) in
alternative and integrative medicine
Membership discount on annual AIMS conference (in spring)
Discount or free admission to AIMS social events/nights
and much more!
Join us at our booth during club days or come to our office located
at B80A Woodward Building
Box 81 - 6138 SUB Boulevard
Vancouver, BCV6T1Z1   ■
Tel: 604 822-7604
Fax: 604 822 2495
email: info@aims.ubc.ca
Web: www.aims.ubc.ca
Biology Required?
Gill Gunson
Morning Masochist
This past summer I had the privilege
of taking a first year biology course
that was compressed into a three
week period. This privilege was granted to
me by the science department of UBC who
in its infinite wisdom decided that every
student in my year or later must take a
term of biology, but yet didn't find it necessary to provide the classroom space for
all of these students during the regular
After my experience I can highly recommend that you not take any 3 week long
summer class, unless you're the sort of person who enjoys that sense of urgency otherwise only found during final exams. I
blame Biology 111 for my inability this
summer of finding the time to tan my
pastey whiteness at Wreck Beach; but at
least glowing in the dark has its advantages.
I should say that the instructor of this
class did warn us on the first day that the
course was masochistic. Of course, some of
the students didn't know what masochistic
meant. For those of you who may not
know, masochism is like being in an 8 am
class five days a week where there's a quiz
and as much as 50 pages of reading every
day, and a midterm every Friday; but with
sex involved. And finding pleasure in the
whole experience, somehow.
I was actually able to enjoy some aspects
of the course, such as the interesting facts
hidden in the depths of the textbook which
have no bearing on one's life whatsoever
but are nevertheless interesting. Such as
the fact that turtles can breath through
their asses. Now that's evolution! Humans,
at the most, can only talk out of theirs.
I found myself, within a week or so of the
torment, having to curb my sarcasm during the midterms and not answer my test
questions with "by magic". "How does a
fish breath under water?" "By magic."
"How are you planning on passing this
course with answers such as that?" "By..."
This is generally how I felt all of life
worked anyways, and I was in some ways
quite annoyed to be told otherwise. Heck,
it's a valid theory; like religion, it inherently requires no explanation. Mind you, it
would make biology textbooks rather
short; but who would complain?
In any other situation I might have been
excited to learn so much about sex in a
classroom setting. Some plants, for example, are quite kinky, involving a third
party, such as a bee, in order to copulate. It
all seemed wrong, somehow, to not be
turned on by the mention of all this wild
and uninhibited fornication. Is this what
happens to biologists - burnout similar to
that of overworked porn stars? "'MyW^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^1^"^'
17 September 2002
Page Five
CF Journal II: Administrivia
Kevin Nottle
What a delightful Canada Day.
After tossing and turning all
night, I have to get up at fucking
5:30. It's partly my fault, I got heat stroke
playing soccer in the hot sun without a hat
and felt like crap for the rest of the evening.
Still, getting up so early sucked ass, but at
least I stopped dragging my ass.
Today was actually pretty easy. No PT,
some marching, but a fair bit of times spent
in air conditioned buildings sitting around
filling out paperwork. Plus our sergeants
more than make up for the dourness of our
Warrant Officer.
Sgt. Richie is quite a joker, and so far has
not dumped on anyone too hard. Sgt. Des-
Greux is a Francophone who started learning English last year, and constantly jokes
about his thick accent. He's also quite shy,
which is why when we're standing at
attention, we always have to look to our
front, never at him. Capt. Bonoparte, our
platoon commander is quite serious, but
we rarely see him, so it doesn't matter.
The platoon is coming together quite well,
even though we've only been formed for 24
hours. Hopefully we'll keep this up, and
get weekend liberty soon. Ooh la la, Montreal.
Fuck, I've only got time to say, damn are
they running us of our feet.
It's now after lunch, and I have 5 minutes
to write, so a few quick points.
-The weather is so hot, you're always
swimming in your combats, and that's no
joke. The humidity doesn't help much
-Drill is a snap to understand (marching,
going from attention to at ease...), so long
as you're awake. What takes the real effort
is to make it all perfect. And when the CF
does drill, everyone can tell if you got it
right or not. Any drill movement that has
us moving our feet, we stomp them down.
So if the platoon was in synch, you hear a
great big bang, which sounds really cool. If
you got it wrong, you hear a machine gun
clatter, and damn is it ugly.
-The fucking paperwork never ends. Since
enrolling I've filled out a few forms at least
three times since I enrolled. Thank God the
paperwork tapers off after the first week.
-Our two sergeants are the best. The other
Civi U platoon (made of officer cadets taking tertiary studies at a civilian institiution)
has at least one right bastard for a sergeant.
We may only be seeing that side of him
because they're just a hunch of fuckups.
Later in the course, we would find out that
One Platoon could really screw the pooch,
and that their male sergeant could also be
a funny guy. (They had the only female
instructor I saw at St. Jean.)
Fucking amazing, it's 21:30, and I'm ready
for inspection tomorrow morning. Inspection is the centre of our universe at this
point in time. All this week we've had an
inspection every morning, or the rumour
of one. This generates a last minute panic
the night before, keeping people up past
the 23:00 lights out. (Since reveille is 5:30,
this is really bad.)
Tonight, it's different, we've done this shit
enough, we only have to fine tune some
small stuff. So while I'm running around a
bit, I'm still free to write this out. (Ah, the
innocence of inexperience, I soon learnt
one is never ready for inspection.)
Well a shit load has happened since Friday. Two people have left the platoon. One
because an injury was taking too long to
heal. The poor guy busted his ankle real
bad in the first few days of the course. The
second because she couldn't handle the PT,
and she wasn't trying worth a damn. This
girl couldn't handle the simplest PT, and
wasn't indoctrinating herself. For example,
she strutted along rather than marching
like the rest of us, so she's gone.
She went before a progress review board.
They have three options, let you continue
on the course, recourse you (make you
start again next summer) or release you
from the CF. They made her sign a Voluntary Release form (VR), so out she went.
She said that she'd try and come back next
year, but damn she's got a lot of work to do
if she means it.
And I would say more, but I feel real tired
right now. So I'm going to try and hit the
sack early, like say 10:45
DS: Directing Staff, our instructors,
includes officers and NCM's
NCM: Non-Commisioned Member, all the
ranks from Private Recruit to Chief Warrant Officer.
VR: Voluntary Release, get me out of this
army now
Recourse: When you have to take the
course again, due to injury or PRB's decision.
PRB: Progress Review Board, the people
you talk to when you've screwed up bad.
They can let you continue the course,
retake the course next summer, or kick you
out of the CF.
CF: Canadian Forces, my employer.
Tacking someone up: Lecturing someone,
a very bad thing to have happen to you.
Sgt. DesGreux usually said that he'd: "Jack
up you."
Bunny Dust: The bane of our existence in
the quarters. The Mega bred the stuff. Also
known as dust bunnies.
Mega: The big building we lived in and
did some of our training. Has 13 levels, but
avoided the 13th floor problem by having
two third floors.
CPC: Candidate Platoon Commander, the
Officer Cadet in charge of the platoon for
the day. Gets dumped on when the platoon
screws up.
2IC: Second in command, runs things
while the IC plans.
IC: In Command, the top dog who gets all
the blame, and has to pass off all the praise.
Syndicate: A small group of OCDTs who
worked together.
OCDTT Officer Cadet, me.
Section: The next smallest unit after a platoon, lead by a sergeant.
SPT: Small Party Task, a training assignment such as build a field laundry in 90
minutes with eight people.
IMP: Individual Meal Package, field
rations, actually quite decent eating.
MIR: The medical clinic on base.
Don't know what to do for your future?
How about makmg people $mife?
te are the Pre-dentistry Society!
|aln us co	
-femHktfJse.voLirsdf Mih denul b£hool retirements
-get help with DAT |jrep.udtloii
-attend monthly seminars wfth special guests
-and much more U!
Cheek us ou* i:-. :lie SUB dur1n« chib davs *Seui 18 201 m cor
FREE ptaa luncheon {Sept 263URC 4) uij^edentfcanadaxcrn
B     xj Friday Sept 20
]1*^        4 to 8 pm
I               Outside between
y       Chemistry A-block and Hebb Theatre Page Six
17 September 2002
Too Lazy for a Title     The Cat's Meow
* Eggy Yuh
* *       Grouchy Old Student
You know it's that time of year again
when your morning commute is
marked by placards and posters all
along the UBC highway, bathrooms and
hallways are plastered from floor to ceiling
with posters, and the SUB seems to be
bursting at the seams with people united in
their interest in swing dancing, beer, the
BC Liberals, beer, hiking, beer, juggling,
beer...you name it, there are people doing
it. And willing to let you join them, for a
price. You guessed it-it's clubs days. It
doesn't really matter if you love it or hate
it, or if you just desperately need a cup of
Blue Chip coffee. You will be accosted by
random people, you will have flyers and
paraphernalia thrown in your face, and
you will be groped by unseen hands in the
Now, I'm the first one to sing the praises of
joining clubs and getting involved. It definitely makes life more interesting, more
fun, and infinitely less lonely. Suddenly,
campus isn't a cold, anonymous place for
30,000+ students; it's your home, your
school, and where your friends are. And
for those of you who are whining that you
have too much work to do, school or otherwise, well, I guess you have the right to be
boring and scared of new things.
Did you ever notice that the busier you
are, the more things you have to do, and
the less time you have to do them, the more
you'll get done? Given four weeks to turn
in a lab report, I will definitely be up until
6 a.m. the night before it's due, trying to
explain my observations or answer inane
questions that the TA has posed. But if it's
a case of four midterms in three days, I'll
somehow manage to study (well, cram) for
them all, and somehow, just somehow, do
Part of it is learning how to manage your
time, or maybe just to procrastinate until
there is definitely NOT enough time to
procrastinate any longer. Making lists definitely helps, especially on post-it notes.
Take glorious pleasure in crossing things
off your lists (it helps if you put things like
"brush teeth" on there, just so you can
count on crossing off at least one thing),
and then ripping up the list entirely when
it's finished. Make a burning pyre of your
completed tasks, or maybe scatter them to
the winds to inspire other resourceful students.
So you should definitely join a club.
Whether it's academic or purely for fun, it's
always nice to weasel your way into a new
group of people who have yet to discover
your faults and despise you for them. . Or:
better yet, to infiltrate a group of people
with a friend and then dissect them in the
privacy of...well, wherever the club happens to not meet. Hey, you never know.
You might even meet someone you like, or
(gasp!) learn something.
Having said that, though, I hate clubs
days. I loathe the idiots who get in my caffeine-deprived way, the zealots who think
that my soul needs saving, and the misguided fools who really think that I would
like a discount to the myriad of bubble tea
places in Richmond. Or better yet, the
clubs that invest in cheesy t-shirts primarily for recruiting purposes. Since the majority of the people at clubs days are first
years, let's lull them into yet another childish adolescent environment where everyone looks the same, wears the same shirt,
and thinks exactly the same. Big Brother
would definitely approve.
Plus, I'm suspicious of any club who has
the funds to be buying recruiting t-shirts.
Or any one of the many clubs who have
turned the UBC highway into one big billboard. Why are these clubs excessively
spending money on recruiting? Don't they
have better things to do with the money?
Or is it simply a matter of gettingvas many
members as possible, and then rolling
around in the money while laughing gleefully? Any club that advertises to that
extent is either wasting perfectly good
money that should be spent on social
events or liquor, or is completely starved
for members. In either case, I'd be more
than a little hesitant to join.
Then there are the crazy lengths that some
people will go to in order to get new members. Sometimes it's fun to play along with
people, and then fuck them over while you
run away laughing maniacally. Like the
time an acquaintance of mine who wandered drunkenly into an Ambassadors for
Jesus mixer, hit on all the not-horribly-disfigured girls, and then proceeded to go
into a 15 minute diatribe about all that was
wrong with organized religion, Christianity and God. Or the time I listened to a girl
animatedly discuss all the super fun things
her club did ("we go bowling! and we play
volleyball! and we see movies! and we do
this! and this! and all of my sentences
begin with lower case letters and end with
exclamation points! like this! and like
this!"), and I told her that I sacrificed young
goats every year on the summer solstice.
That shut her up pretty quickly.
Let's think of it this way: no one in the real
world is going to recruit you to do anything. You will have to push and shove
your way to get what you want, and you
might as well start now. Screw clubs days.
People should be handed an Inside UBC,
pointed in the direction of the clubs pages,
and figure out what the hell they're interested in. Then go find the bloody club that
you'd like to join.
But hey-UBC likes to deceive people into
thinking that it really is a welcoming place,
where you are just more than a number,
arid where Martha Piper really isn't completely bonkers. So yes, we will have clubs
days; we will have our lunches and breaks
disrupted by crazed recruiters, and next
year, we will do it all over again. Too bad
I won't be here to slag it.
Miyako Hewett
Computer Careers Fair
September 25th
10am to 4pm
at the Chan Centre
ten (or more) high tech companies will be in
attendance, so bring your resumes.
for more info, see http://www.csss.cs.ubc.ca
brought you by
No Poo for You
A co-worker recently reconfirmed the
stupidity and frivolous nature of
some of our fellow humans. As if
paying $4 isn't enough for a cup of coffee
at Starbucks, there are those who not only
will pay over $200 dollars a pound for coffee, but seek it no less from cat poo. And
yes, it really does exist: cat poo coffee.
Apparently, the coffee beans are obtained
from an animal related to a mongoose
called a palm civet, a tree-dwelling creature found in South-east Asia. According
to Manila Coffee House, this animal is a
picky eater, picking out the ripest and reddest coffee beans, which also happens to
be the best for brewing. However, after a
little research, I discovered that the Palm
civet, Paradoxurus hermaphroditus , is an
omnivore, and picks out other foods at
their ripest including insects, palm sap,
birds, voles, spiders, squirrels, and frogs.
Well, isn't that great, coffee picked out
from digested animal pieces, insect chito-
nous material, seed pits, squirrel
bones.. .mmm. Ripest coffee beans my ass;
I'm sure that the animal picks out the best
beans when they are available, but c'mon,
if there aren't any there, it may settle for
less. Chances are, the $200 coffee beans
aren't the "best" all the time. Another
thing, very few people like eating picked
over leftovers, let alone the waste excreted
from any animal. It doesn't matter how
good it tasted on the other side people, poo
is poo. Give it half a year and cat poo coffee will be worth less than cat poo itself.
I wonder how good this coffee tastes. This
coffee is rare, yes, expensive and apparently a novelty. That is what, my friends, is
driving the price. It's people like those who
collect Beanie Babies that drives this market. A few weeks ago, as a present to a
parting co-worker, I was searching for a
small stuffed spider, the type that Beanie
Babies would have made. After searching
in over six toys stores, I came'up empty
handed. However, not before I found a
store with a cabinet crammed with Beanie
Babies. The store owner, preying on either
the stupid or the rich, had stashed away
several of each Beanie Baby that was put
out. You see, Beanie Babies are sold for a
short amount of time, then after either
become worthless (found in bargain bins
and reject piles in toy stores) or to a small
number of people, "collector's items". So as
it turns out, to get the spider, it would cost
over $30. Funny thing is, is that my
boyfriend later found and bought the same
spider in a reject pile for $8 in the Ty™
store on Tenth.
Many things seem to drive the market
these days. I like how every one seeks out
the unique, the novel, and the priceless for
his own. Because, quite ironically, in the
process, you become one of the crowd.
Lots of people have Beanie Babies, many
may try the Cat Poo coffee (apparently, it
will be appearing in places like the Urban
Well, in Vancouver), and so many brides
have the same solitaire ring, and design
the same unique wedding. Me, I opt for the
kimono-kilt clad ceremony, in a small
church on the prairies, complete with the
reception back drop of barns, combines,
and canola. Oh yes, and bag pipes.
Representatives from medical schools across the country
(University of Toronto, Queens University, McMaster University,
University of Calgary, University of British Columbia)
will come to discuss their admissions policies.
Tickets can be obtained from the Pre-Med Society:
1. In the Woodward IRC lobby between 12 PM and 1 PM
2. In the SUB ballroom during Clubs Days
3. At the club office in Wood G30
Space is limited so get your tickets NOW!
September 21, 2002 from 1:00 to 5:30pm in Hebb Theatre
$5 for UBC Pre-Med Society members.
$10 for non-members
Office Location: Woodward G30
Office Phone: 604-822-8084
Club E-mail: Premedical@ciub.ams.ubc.ca
Webpage: http://www.ams.ubc.ca/clubs/Premedical/ 17 September 2002
Page Seven
The Drawers of SUS
Kristin Lyons
Director of Sports
I hope that the first two weeks of school
have gone well for you all! The intramural deadlines are coming up fast. All
outdoor intramural leagues (ultimate,
touch football and soccer) have their registration deadlines at 5pm on Wednesday,
September 18 while all other leagues (ball
hockey, ice hockey, volleyball and basketball) have their registration deadlines at
5pm on Friday, September 20. Try to register early to avoid the line ups and to make
sure there is still room for your team.
For any of you snowboarders or skiers out
there, the SRC has an excellent deal for
you. For only $349 plus GST, you can buy
four season passes for Whistler. This is a
great deal, and some money from all passes sold goes to support the UBC intramural program so come on out!
As for other upcoming intramural events,
they include: the Ivor Wynne 3 on 3 Outdoor Basketball Tournament, the UBC
Broomball Championships, and the Great
Trek Adventure Relay. These are all going
to be great events so get a team together
and come on out.
As for getting teams together, there are
still sign up sheets up in SUS for all intramural leagues and events. Any teams that
are formed on the sports board in SUS play
for free so it's definitely to your advantage
to come and sign up. Singles can also sign
up on the web at www.legacygames.ubc.
This site also lists teams looking for players
so it's a great resource when looking for
As for rebates, they will be due near the
end of November, check out the next 432
for an exact date. Remember, to get your
rebates, you need to be a science team, and
you need to hand in your intramural
receipt, your team roster and the name,
phone number and email address of the
person I am to write the rebate to into my
box in SUS.
Last, but not least, there is now a ladies
only night at the SRC's three gyms. It is
from 7-9pm and women only are allowed.
Come on out and make this night worth
Kat Scotton
Social Co-ordiantor
I quit!
Annes Song
Internal VP
Hi, how's everyone doin in school? I
hope first years enjoyed our nice
warm welcome on the first week of
the school. ~~
Our Imagine Day was a success! The nice
big blue balloons and our awesome cheer
showed how we're Proud to be in the SCIENCE FACULTY at UBC! Congrats!
Just a reminder that SUS Council Election
Nomination Forms are DUE on SEPTEMBER 27th at 4:32pm, and the All Candidates Meeting is also on SEPTEMBER 27th
at 4:32pm in SUS Lounge - LSK (Klinck)
202. You can also join SUS Committees; it's
a great way to get involved!! All you have
to do is contact the person who is in charge
and ask him or her about the meeting
times. The contact and committee informations are in the Guide 2002. So please take a
good look at it and come out to the meetings!
Student Interconnected will be hosting a
Forum on International Volunteer or Job
Opportunities on October 24th at 12pm in
the Dodson Room. If you would like find
more about SI or the forum please contact
Annes Song at annesl202@hotmail.com or
visit www.howlingsheep.com.
Also the UBC Learning Exchange's Trek
Volunteer Program is currently acceptin-
gapplications. The Trek Volunteer Program
provides opportunities for UBC students
to do community service in a variety of
schools, non-profit organizations, and
community centers in the Downtown East-
side and other inner-city neighborhoods of
Vancouver. The program gives students
real-life experience in the community
while raising their awareness of health,
social, economic and political issues. I have
done volunteer work at MUSIC APPRECIATION 101 and my experience has been
unbelievable! To apply to the program or
to learn more about volunteer opportunities visit: www.learningexchange.ubc.ca.
Chris Zappavigna
A big WELCOME BACK to all Science students!! I hope everyone
had a good summer. I had an exciting summer chasing after a Brit the entire
time!! (Luv ya, CB)
Anyways, general senate did not meet
over the summer, but some of my committees did. Thankfully, I did not see any science students in front of me at student discipline appeal hearings. It's always refreshing to know that the cheaters on the campus are not science students.
That's it for me.
Due to the Resignation of our Under-Appreciated Social Coordinator,
the Position is now Available for any Enterprising Student.
Become our Organizer of Events and Provider of Beer.
The Position will be Elected Along with the Council Elections (Oct. 9-11)
Nomination Forms (see page 8) are due September 27 at 4:32pm.
Contact Annes Song (annesl202@hotmail.com) for More Information.
The outgoing SoCo has Promised to Train Whomever is Elected to this Position.
Indoor Leagi
Outdoor Juea
18 at Spin
at 5pm
AMS Report
Dan Yokom
SUS External VP
11 September 2002
Student Financial Support Initiatives
There was a presentation regarding
Student financial support initiatives
that are taking place. It was reported
that over $113 000 000 were received by
about 34000 UBC students last year in
financial aid. This amount includes government and university awards, bursaries,
loans, and work placement opportunities.
Although some cuts are being made from
the government, the University is increasing its support to equal the amount cut.
They are also attempting to increase outreach to give more students access to these
opportunities. This includes distribution
of information to secondary school guidance councilors and students, financial
support workshops on campus, and
improvement to the website, www.stu-
dents.ubc.ca/finance. So look out for more
AMS was recognized at our meeting on 11
September for our contribution to Red
Cross following the 9/11 disaster. Our contribution went towards support for the
families of Canadian victims, as well as
towards people who were on flights that
were redirected to Canada on that day.
Furthermore, United Way recognized AMS
for our continuing support of their many
great causes including fighting hunger and
poverty locally as well as abroad, especially South Africa. Finally, the Shinerama
campaign, which was supported by AMS,
was very successful with fundraisers
including Stop the Pop, a car wash (both
which SUS was actively involved in) and
Round Up, although the final amount
raised is not yet totaled.
AMS Mini-School Fall 2002
The AMS Mini-School Course list is now
available. There are lots of really cool
courses from African Drumming and Belly
Dancing to Introductions to the Film
Industry and Website Design. Last year I
took Bartending to get my Serving It Right
Certificate, and it was a lot of fun. It is also
very cheap, so check out their website,
www.ams.ubc.ca/services/mini_school for
complete information or email
minischool@ams.ubc.ca. Registration
begins on Monday, 16 September 2002 and
spaces fill up quickly so don't miss this
great opportunity.
Want to Get Involved?
SUS Council elections take place on
October 9-11, 2002. Nomination
forms are due by 4:32 pm on September 27, at which time the All Candidates Meeting will take place. Each of the
following departments/programs elects
one student representative (that could be
Computer Science
Earth and Ocean Sciences
General Science
Mathematics and Statistics
Microbiology and Immunology
Physics and Astronomy
Co-ordinated Science Program
Science One
Intergrated Science Program
Also to be elected are two First Year Representatives and four General Officers.
So get 15 undergraduate science students
to sign a nomination form, and we'll see
you at the All Candidates Meeting at 4:32
pm on the 27,h in the SUS office (LSK 202).
The All Candidates Meeting is mandatory. If you have a really good excuse as to
why you cannot make it, please inform
Annes Song (annesl202@hotmail.com)
before September 26"'. A copy of the
nomination form can be found on page
eight of this paper, or can be picked up in
the SUS office (LSK 202). Any questions
should be directed to Annes Song
^s OPEN HO0s
C^ LSK 202 ^><v
Thursday Sept. 26
Drop by SUS (LSK
202) between 8:30-
1 lam on the 26th to
meet the SUS
Executive, check
out the office, and
enjoy some good
'ole Tim Horton's
Questions? E-mail Sameer at wahid@interchange.ubc.ca Page Eight
17 September 2002
Just Because You're Broke . . .
Ben Warrington
No, I'm not Andy
 -       7	
Now that you have paid your tuition
and bought your books, you realize that you have spent your year's
budget in just two short weeks. What to
do? How are you to live for the next seven
and a half months, and still maintain a reasonably comfortable lifestyle? The solution
that more and more students seem to be
resorting to is to leech off of their parents.
That is great if your parents can afford it
and are so inclined. It does kind of put a
damper on your independence and sex life,
though. For those of us whose parents cannot afford it or whose parents are not so
inclined, and for those of us who think that
we are adults and should wipe our own
asses, I have some advice. Most of the tips
that I am going to suggest are things that I
have done personally, or things that someone I know has done in order to live as
comfortably as possible on a tight budget.
Traditionally, many free things are passed
out as marketing gimmicks during the first
week of class. Shaving cream, soap,
deodourant, cereal, condoms, and much
more are available. It is a great way to
stock up on toiletries and other necessities.
Admittedly, I did not see as much of that
stuff being handed out this year as in the
past. I blame the economy. Personally, I
haven't really noticed the supposedly
struggling economy. I guess stock market
crashes don't effect you as much when you
don't own stock.
Anyway, back to the topic at hand. Another way to score free stuff is to sign up for
credit cards. Throughout the year, Mastercard especially, and also Visa send out representatives to get students to sign up for
credit cards. The reward? Free stuff. Sometimes it is just a crappy CD, but sometimes
it is a packet of cereal or something else
(like a good CD). Don't want the credit
card? Well, I didn't tell you to use your real
name and address. Be creative, Homer
Simpson lives at 742 Evergreen Terrace, for
example. A friend once obtained five boxes
of Maple Mini-Wheats using different
names and addresses.
Another place to pick up life's little necessities is at fast food restaurants. I know that
it is a bit counter-intuitive to think of anything beneficial to life coming from
McDonald's, but bear with.me. You see,
salt, pepper, sugar, ketchup, and other
condiments can be obtained from McDonald's and other fast food outlets. Just grab a
handful of packets each time that you are
in. Plastic cutlery, chopsticks, and napkins
can also be obtained in this way.
While fast food places are great for condiments, you need to look elsewhere for
actual meals. You may have noticed that a
lot of television shows and movies are
filmed in and around UBC. Where there
are film crews, there are catering tents.
Don't worry about being caught. There is
no possible way that the people at the
catering tent could recognize every grip,
every truck driver, and every extra.
Besides, they are just as bored with their
jobs as anyone else, so it isn't as though
they care. Just avoid any obvious giveaways like a knapsack full of textbooks.
Otherwise, your average poor student (as
opposed to the average rich ones) probably
looks much the same as a teamster.
There are other ways to score a free meal.
Many information sessions use pizza as an
inticement for students to come. It doesn't
matter if you aren't a second year student
interested in the microbiology program;
they don't ID you. Departments, clubs, and
so on also often use pizza as a bribe to get
free labour. As long as you are willing to
tote some stuff around, you will often be
rewarded. Work on the 432. It is a lot of
work, but you get to see your name in
print, and we are not going to make you
buy your own lunch, or supper, or midnight snack.
If- you are truly desperate on the food
front, you can turn to hunting and gathering in Pacific Spirit park. There are enough
berry bushes to support a small population
of students though you may have to compete with other residents of the Westside.
You can also steal apples from the trees in
peoples' front (or back) yards.
I would say that the biggest issue facing
students at UBC is not tuition. In fact,
tuition is a fairly small concern for me. By
far the biggest problem is housing. There is
no where near enough student housing on
campus. Instead of building more, Campus Planning and Development builds
condominiums and high priced houses.
Great. While some housing can be found
off campus, it costs twice as much for a
space that is half as good. I spent the summer in Saskatoon, and I could have rented
a house within walking distance of the
University for less than what we are paying for a one bedroom basement here, and
nothing is within walking distance of the
Univeresity. The solution: live in a
camoflage tent in Martha Piper's back
yard. Yes, it has been done by someone I
know well.
Once you have a place to live, be it a tent,
a cardboard box, or an actual appartment,
you will want furniture and other creature
comforts. The best place to get this stuff is
gifts from relatives. Surely, there is someone in your family with an attic full of old
junk. You can get dishes, cutlery, maybe a
toaster that only catches fire occassionally.
This stuff will probably look old and crappy because it comes from the seventies, but
as long as it works ... If your parents do
have a little bit of money, they might actually buy you new stuff out of guilt for not
taking care of you at home.
For the stuff that you can't convince someone to give to you, there are two main
sources, garage sales and thrift stores. I
have purchased a great many things at
garage sales. CD's and books tend to be on
the order of $1 or $2, though they may not
be the newest releases. In my time, I have
purchased 3 televisions for $10 or less. One
of them was only 2 years old. At that price,
I just treat them as disposable. For you
people who are trying to sell your television for over $100, I just laugh at your
posters. Thrift stores are just like permanent garage sales. You can buy all sorts of
useful crap there if you are willing to be
patient and look for good deals.
If you have a little more money, Ikea isn't
quite as cheap, but they have stuff that
looks like it is worth more than they charge
for it.
There are a few other things that I haven't
tried, but you are more than welcome to
use as suggestions. There is always drug
dealing to make money, and for milk and
eggs, try a midnight stealth milking and
egg stealing from the University Farm.
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For more information on the SUS council elections, see Want to Get Involved? on page 7.


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