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UBC Publications

UBC Publications

UBC Publications

The 432 2000-09-27

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In this issue:
Twelve Pages!
Porn! Porn! Porn!
Wacky Olympics!!
and so much more...
'University politics are vicious precisely because the stakes are so small/
-Henry Kissinger
UBC Campus Declared
No Fun Zone
Ant-like conformity at all time high
CP, Vancouver
UBC has been declared a "No Fun
Zone," according to the Ubyssey, the
official student publication. On Monday, the story broke about the new alcohol
policy; the cutbacks to the RCMP detachment
resulting in stricter bylaw enforcement; and
increased enforced longer library hours.
As part of a continuing policy stand at the
University of British Columbia, a new alcohol
policy has been passed by the University's
Board of Governors. The new policy will prohibit the advertising of events serving alcohol,
to the extend of banning the familiar 'bzzr'
and 'psyder'. Further restrictions will limit the
event's liquor license to the amount of alcohol
available to the equivalent of one drink per
person per hour.
Reaction to the policy has been mixed, when
the 432 contacted several student leaders and
the University itself. Mark Fraser, AMS Vice
President Administration, is in charge of the
bookings within the SUB. He says that "since
the Student Union Building is under the lease
of the Alma Mater Society (AMS), we do not
fall within the jurisdiction of the University's
policy on alcohol. This won't matter to us and
our bzzr gardens. However, the Pit will be
turned into a juice bar, the Gallery will be
turned into a Starbucks, with entertainment
specializing in Beat poetry readings, and the
Pendulum will remain as an over-priced
bistro, only with no alcohol."
However, according to the University's President's office, the AMS interpretation of the
policy is incorrect. "The SUB is on University land, and all policies that we hold cover
them," said an assistant to the President. "This
alcohol policy is vital in the new vision plan
that Martha Piper is introducing, Trek 2001.
The plan focuses on the University as an academic body, more so than any other thing the
University has put forth, including our much
Corporal Bill Smith, speaking for the UBC
RCMP detachment, was more blunt during his
weekly press conference. "In times of a funding crunch, we need to cut down on expenses.
By supporting the University's no tolerance
policy, we can half our staff after 4pm on
weekdays. This means we can spend our time
on the really important criminal elements that
happen at a university, like running down
those little rat bastards on those stupid scooters."
Libraries will now be open 24 hours a day,
seven days a week. The University's plan is to
automate the libraries after 6pm, freeing up
personnel resources for other areas and allowing students to study "all of the time," accord
ing to the new Head Librarian, Angus
Svensen. "By doing this, students will never
have an excuse to party. And with the new
implementation of 23 hour a day quiet hours in
all residences, the kids will need to go somewhere to breathe. We hope they pick one of
our ten brilliant and well-lit libraries."
Also planned in the beginning of term two are
the introduction of late night labs for all first
and second year courses. The rational behind
the rescheduling is that with more lab space,
the University can reintroduce the labs that
have been steadily cut since 1995, and since
the labs have been made "optional" to the
graduation requirements, there is a lab-fee for
all new labs that will quite possibly reach into
the hundreds of dollars on top of normal
tuition, thereby sneaking around the tuition
freeze. Having a lab that lasts until one
o'clock in the morning will not be unheard of,
even in first year courses.
The reaction of the students themselves, who
the new policies will affect the most, has been
swift. The Engineers have formed a strategic
alliance with members of the Agricultural Sciences, gaining control over the South Campus
potato field. When asked what they intend to
do with such an abundant crop of potatoes, the
main ingredient in home-made moonshine, the
432  was   summarily  dismissed   from   the
Cheeze. Engineers were later seen to be burning a copy of the alcohol policy on top of the
newly whitewashed and hermetically sealed
"First they took away our Lady Godiva ride,
then they took away our stripper in Hebb Theatre! We refuse to give up any more of our
god-given rights as Engineers," said Andrew
Tinka, president of EngFizz and spokesman
for the horde of rampaging red-jackets. "We
will carry on for we are the Engineers!" The
interview was cut short as members of the
Vancouver SWAT team flooded the area with
tear gas.
Koerner's Graduate Centre has turned into
the scene of an armed stand-off with Campus
Police. Late Monday night, when word of the
impending policy reached a closed-doors
meeting of the Graduate Student's Society,
barricades were swiftly erected around Koerner's Pub. A list of demands were nailed to the
door, detailing how the graduate students
would never "give into the demands of the
Man", nor "ever shut down Koerner's Pub,
the last standout of freedom and democracy on
this university!"
In a related story, Frat Row is scheduled to be
demolished during the second week of Oktober, to coincide with the end of Rush.
./-yr-   c,u.V?oSlED To £AT ANlMAli
BC Ferry in Search of
Larger Prey
Reuters, Straight of Juan de Fuca
The Spirit of Vancouver Island, coming
off its dominating victory over Jim
Blough's amateur 30 foot boat, is looking at bigger and better opponents to take on.
The Spirit is now ranked No. 1 in the Juan de
Fuca Amateur Circuit after the victory over
Blough and is looking at moving up to the
"With the ease that 'Spirit' handled Blough's,
she shouldn't be waiting around here, fighting
mediocre competition. An average ferry's
career is less than 25 years, and Spirit of Vancouver Island is turning 17 in November. It
may be her last chance for a shot at the bigs,"
commented Spirit's manager Dan Miller during Tuesday's press conference. "All we ask is
for the blessing of the commissioner to make
the move."
"I feel good, I'm in my prime. I think I'm
ready and my manager thinks I'm ready. The
time is right to turn pro," the Spirit of Vancouver Island added when asked for her own
thoughts. "I've proven myself against the best
that the Straight of Juan de Fuca has thrown at
me. I think the more open environment of the
West Coast pros would benefit me due to my
strong ramming keelhaul game. I'd like to try
taking on a cruise boat or trawler and work my
way up the ladder and become a superstar like
my childhood hero the Exxon Valdez. That
bitch could really do some damage until her
career-ending injury in '86."
Previous prodigies from the B.C. Ferries
camp have not fared well, and the recent large
investments into the promised, but never realized potential of the 'Fastcat' trio, have tainted the once stellar reputation of the corporation. The West Coast circuit is understandably
cautious about admitting any BC ferry. However, many scouts like the plucky attitude and
the mature way in which the Vancouver Island
handles herself on the water. Rumoured collusion with the State of Florida may lead to a job
putting its skills to work for the Department of
Immigration and Naturalization to head the
new Cuban Immigration Control division, if
the torn pro doesn't come through.
The ferry was last seen headed towards Port
Angeles. The ferry is considered to be armed
and dangerous. Page Two
27 September 2000
Volume Fourteen
Issue Two
27 September 2000
Bree Baxter
bmonique@i interchange,
Assistant Editors
Dan Anderson
Andy Martin
Carol Radford
Ben Warrington
Eggy Yuh
Printed by
College Printers, Vancouver, BC
Dan Anderson
Corrie Baldwin
Bree Baxter
Timothy Chan
Keri Gammon
Miyako Hewett
Matthew Laird
Ajay Puri
Andy Martin
Kat Scotton
Sara Stamm
David Swanton
Reka Sztopa
Andrew Tinka
Sherry Yang
Ben Warrington
Web Sites
Legal Information
The 432 is published over and over
again from the basement of the
Chemistry Building, soon to be the
basement of the Hennings building.
The 432 is the official publication of
the Science Undergraduate Society.
All views expressed in this issue
are strictly those of the individual
writers, and as such are not the
responsibility of The 432, The Science Undergraduate Society, or the
Faculty of Science. Writers and cartoonists are encouraged to submit
their material to The 432. Submissions" must meet the requirements
of making the editor chuckle thrice,
and contain the author's name and
contact information.
Once upon a time, there was a little story that I told to you, and you
believed me, and you went and told
him, and he told her, and she told
an extra, who told the director who
told the producer and together they
all made Urban Legend.
God bless the little children.
Rez Dispenser
Andrew Tinka!
Spike and Dive
Olympic Women's Beach Volleyball...
mmmm... now THAT'S the spirit of
the Games! Yeah baby, bump it.
C'mon, set! Now SPIKE! Yes! Yes! Oh man,
I think I need a cigarette.
Why do those women beach volleyball players wear such skimpy, bouncy outfits? One
acceptable answer is "Shut up and WATCH,
fool!" But there's another, more interesting
reason: The rules said they had to. That's
right! This year's Olympic regulations for
female beach volleyball restricted the women
to those wonderfully tight two-pieces we know
and love. But were the men forced to dig and
set in Speedos? Control your gag reflex,
everyone, we're having a serious discussion
here. No, of course not. The men got to wear
long boxer-style shorts as usual. Sure, the
Olympic committee tries to come up with reasons for this, but we all know what it's about.
Ratings go up when we see titties.
The funny thing is that there is precedence for
this. Back in the day, the original Greek
Olympians all competed naked. I'm sure we
can all predict what would happen to the
Games if that particular tradition were resurrected: Ratings for the female sports would
quadruple; men's sports' rating would plummet, except for the hurdle runs, because there
would be a loyal contingent of sadists just
waiting for the hilarious antics of the poor
slobs who clip their danglies on a solid piece
of wood while moving at sixty kilometers per
The marketing whores are, of course, busy
squeezing every penny they can out of the
Games, but it's important to remember that
underneath it all this is a meaningful event for
us. Along with the World Cup, the Games are
one of the truly global events; unlike other
national hobbies like nuclear arms races or
ethnic cleansing, the Olympic Games allow
everyone to play on a level field where no one
really gets hurt. But it's always amazing to see
the degree of nation-to-nation competition that
goes on. Why do we stake so much pride on
the number of medals Canada wins? Everyone
I know was moping about the fact that the
States was walking with six or seven medals
while we had just one or two. C'mon, guys,
the U.S. has ten times our population. When
you think about it, they should be producing
ten times as many random superhuman genetic freaks as us. Besides, what the fuck are we
doing at the Summer Games anyway? Hmmm,
maybe the reason we suck ass at beach volleyball is that there are no beaches in the Arctic
Tundra. "What is this stuff you call sand? And
why is there that huge ball of fusing hydrogen
in the sky? Ahh, the Sun! I'd heard talk of it,
but you see, I'm from Canada, eh..."
Back in the Cold War days, this national
rivalry almost made sense. Self-important
sports critics would say that when Russian and
American athletes competed, they were in
some way determining whose training system
and/or national philosophy was superior. And
yeah, that seems right; in a way, it was settling
the question of whether the carrot or the stick
was a better way to motivate an athlete. Who
would do better: Joe, who would get millions
of endorsement contracts as cereal companies
lined up to put his face on packages after a
gold medal; or Boris, whose beloved granny
would get a .22 slug in the back of the head if
her grandson didn't win? As you might expect,
the medal count was usually 50-50; all we
ended up with was arguments, dead Russian
grannies, and a whole shitload of idiots on my
cereal box.
The funniest part of the Games, of course, is
the pseudo-sports; the rhythmic gymnastics,
ballroom dancing, synchronized swimming,
etc. A buddy of mine thinks that the Olympic
committee adds a new bogus sport every year,
just to give hacks like me something to bitch
about, thus causing more columns to be written about the Olympics, increasing the mind-
share of the Games in everyone who reads
this. Mind you, this is the same friend who
keeps a throwing knife duct-taped to his ribs
"just in case it all goes to shit"; I think we can
write him off as being a bit paranoid if we
want to. Still, I think it makes more sense for
new sports to be based on skills that are
applicable to the real world. Accuracy shooting, for example, isn't really new to the
Games but definitely meets my definition of a
"useful" sport, unlike rhythmic gymnastics,
which essentially boils down to twelve-year-
olds twirling a pretty ribbon around as they
writhe and gimbol on a mat. That might be a
useful skill in the porn industry, but I don't see
the applications in the rest of society.
What sort of new sports do we need for the
new world? Competitive beer drinking, for
example, would test the chemical stamina of
athletes, definitely important in today's polluted world. Like running, there could be speed
beer-drinking events and endurance beer-
drinking events. Instead of idolizing the unnaturally sculpted muscles of a weightlifter, we
would come to respect the prowess symbolized
by a majestic beer belly. As for drug testing -
well, providing urine samples would never be
a problem at one of these events. Best of all,
"training" would take on a whole new meaning. "Going for the Gold" would be a popular
campus weekend activity. See you at the
Rollin' on the River
Bree Baxter
Brionic Woman
Issue two of anything always sucks. The
first issue is full of wide-eyed exuberance,
in pure anticipation of all kinds of wonderful things to come. Then the weeks between
issues pass, and the editor becomes increasingly disillusioned. Welcome to my life.
Although, I grudgingly must admit that this
issue is great, thanks to the wonderful contributions of many writers, some new and some
old. We even have returning hacks! It's gratifying to see words upon words in a paper that
aren't written by me. To all of you, god bless.
If you're not christian, as I am not, then I may
go to hell for that blessing, but as it's already
been determined that I've broken 9 of the commandments (defined strictly by vegans), I've
got a seat reserved three steps up from Judas
Harry Potter
What's the big deal with Harry Potter? Is
Harry Potter going to convert our children to
paganism and against the Lord? First off, I
read those Narnia books when I was a lass,
and I never seriously searched the house's
wardrobes and closets looking for Asian. I
watched Peter Pan and never leaped off the
roof to fly to Never-Neverland (although I
know a few kids in first year who did it last
semester). I ate apples after I read Snow
White. We jumped around on the playground
apparatii during recess trying to smite each
other with imaginary He-Man swords (I got to
play Teela and She-Ra varyingly because I
was the only girl who would put up with the
boy's crap when I was 6) but never buried the
kid playing Skelator under a hail of rocks.
Why? Because of a tiny thing called imagination. Kids have it. It's inspired by the fiction
lids are exposed to. And if anything will get
the kids of today away from their mindless tv
viewing and internet hunts for porn, all the
Why yes, I have read the Harry Potter books.
And I want an owl.
Bastard stole my editorial style.
Move da Room
Sus is moving. Yeah, you may have heard
about it already, in place X or from person Y,
but it's becoming more real. For your continued enjoyment of the SUS experience, there is
a map detailing the path to the new SUS on
page seven of this same issue. An actual date
isn't quite set, but we have a vague week noted
so look for even more signs and stuff. Fret
not, for the 432 s** will continue to produce
for you on its regularly scheduled schedule.
Maybe a day later than normal for issue 3,
because when I was making up the schedule I
missed the fact that we can't drop the paper off
Hey, are you sick of paying $1.45 for eight measly ounces
of coffee goodness? You're in luck! SUS is once again
having it's cheap cheap coffee! 50C will net you a cup of
coffee. You bring the cup, you pay the money, and everyone
is happy.
Starting Wednesday, September 27th at 8:30 am in SUS.
That morning and every morning!
(please bring quarters, we like quarters)
(all proceeds to charity)
on Oktober 9th because it's a holiday Monday,
so I suspect it will come out on Thursday of
that week. Keep your eyes peeled.
Please don't take me literally.
Help Us
Please come into SUS and help us. We love
you. Volunteering is so rewarding to all
involved. You get a chance to help out your
student organization doing stuff you love
(sports? social? sweet!) and we don't have to
do it all ourselves. If you're really cool, we'll
let you play with Dan. We accept all takers, no
matter your faculty, age, gender or gpa.
Insects really should rule the earth. Those
exoskeletons of theirs enable them to do
almost anything, and their diffuse nervous system allows for far faster movement than a corresponding internal skeleton being.
But gravity foiled their nefarious plans. To
have a large enough body size to seriously
wipe out mammals as the dominant genus on
earth, their body size would have to be fairly
large. Gravity will not allow that because the
sheer mass of the cuticle would crush the
But enough about me. Enjoy the issue.
Best irony in a
name: The Spirit of
Christmas on Bute
Street. Nothing signifies the true spirit
of Christmas like a
commercial outlet
open year-round.
-Georgia Straight,
Best of 2000 27 September 2000
Page Three
Kat's Article of Frosh Fun
Kat Scotton
Holy Frosh, Batman!
I, too, was a bright-eyed frosh last year,
just like the ones this year. The exception
was that I was in a sheltered program
called "Science One". Unfortunately, I failed,
and am now redoing first year in real sciences.
This gives me a chance to witness hundreds of
frosh attending huge lectures in places like
Chem B150 and Hebb Theatre. Now, the
majority of these frosh are science majors, as
you can tell. Especially the med school keeners. You can tell the keeners because they are
the ones who come barging in the room as
soon as the first person leaves from the previous class. They fight their way to the front,
against the flow of traffic leaving the hot and
sweaty lecture hall. The keeners, once at their
desired row, then push their way through more
people to get to their desired seat, whether or
not it is still occupied by someone from the
previous class or not.
Before the class starts, the keeners start setting up. Out come 4 different coloured pens,
highlighters, notebooks, white-out in those
funky iMac-esque rolls and other essential
keener gear. Once class has started, the pens
start flowing. Every word or bodily function
that comes out of the prof is noted. Key words
are written in one colour, definitions and formulas in another. If you missed something the
prof said and try to glance at a keener's notebook, be prepared for a sharp glance and an
arm frantically covering their notebook. (This
is because you are potential med-school competition and there is no way you are going to
beat them in by 0.0001% 4 years after they
Intellectual Property Management
for the Information Age
October 12-14, 2000
University of British Columbia, Vancouver, BC
Discover how to create and protect legal rights to technology and
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Hear interactive presentations on:
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• Managing risks in licensing programs
• Latest trends in technology licensing
• IP valuation and audit techniques
Visit for details and registration information. Early bird fees
available, student rate at $300, or contact or phone (604) 822-8780
for more information.
S^v.i^^^tJ^.•t.:.S*.■'iL*:^M .W'tvvV.-Jj^J.i.*'.-
M-: <*»« *=■««*     «'«  *       <*<.<
Produced by WestLink Innovation Network, in partnership with PATSCAN.
'   Sponsorship provided by Smart & Biggar and hosted by the National
Research Council.
share a key term with you.) Trust me, it happens. Science One is a breeding ground for
med-school hopefuls, and they do not share
answers. Not that there is anything wrong with
med-school hopefuls, or Science One, it's just
that they know the statistics. The competition's fierce, and for whatever reason, each
one is determined that they are going to be a
Another thing bright-eyed frosh are not used
to is walking on campus. I biked around campus during the summer when the campus was
dead. (I worked for housing, so trust me when
I say this, don't use the blankets!) I biked last
year and it was crazy. Once again, the campus
is alive and there is a whole new crop of people to avoid. I swear, the majority of UBC students never learned how to cross the street.
People randomly turn and walk off the sidewalks. I don't understand it. I used to bike
down East Mall last year, but now I take Main
Mall. Along East Mall, people on the sidewalk
will follow a straight path and then suddenly
turn and walk off the sidewalk right in front of
you. Now, if you have ever ridden a bike in
the rain, you know that if you want to stop,
you're just going to have to wait until you
slow down. Welcome to Vancouver, it rains
all the time! Stop falling off the sidewalk!
There are a lot of students who use bikes on
campus, as you will observe by looking at the
bike lock stations on a dry day. Dammit,
watch for bikes when you're walking to class!
Walk in a straight line. Walk on sidewalks.
So the lesson for the day is, calm down, you
aren't going to get into med-school. Face it
now and enjoy the next 4-6 years of your
undergrad life, and watch where you're walking.
Artichokes should not be eaten with butter, no matter what they tell you at etiquette school. Artichokes
should be seasoned, steamed, and served to vegetarians. Then you eat the vegetarians.
-Winston Churchill
Don't Do It!
Miyako Hewett
goes to Hollywood
anted: Motivation. Hours flexible.
Low pay. Smiles are free. Serving
Three weeks of school have passed, and I am
apathetic as hell. Take now, for instance. I
should be working on one of two term papers,
or my term collection, or any of the miscellaneous work ahead of me. Forget the readings,
maybe I'll do it before midterms. But instead I
am writing this article.
So for all you out there that can relate, what
can be done about this? Well, you can force
yourself, with a great amount of coffee and
self criticism. But chances are, this is not
going to work. Trust me, I have already tried.
In the first term of first year, I stressed and I
forced. In second term, I mellowed. The
results? Better grades. My advice to you: don't
do work if you really don't feel like it, unless
it is due the next day.
Problem: Still apathetic? Yup. After all, I am
still sitting here, vegging in front of the computer screen. And you are still reading this
article. So, here is my list of pseudo-motivations to get your shit done. By the way, I am
still am looking for the right motivation.
1. When in doubt, sleep. Chances are your
lack of motivation is due to the fact that you
are wandering around the hallways like a
decapitated zombie. It really is hard to give a
shit when your body has abandoned all nonessential functions.
2. Eat. Preferable healthy. You body doesn't
function so great on grease, nor on pure sugar.
If you find yourself farting periodically,
chances are it is time to change your diet. Frequent gas release can not be good, nor does it
smell great either.
3. Exercise. No time for that morning jog?
Hate gyms? Not motivation to exercise? Well,
there is always sexercise. I heard that the average bout burns as many calories as a 20 minute
jog. At least it will get your blood flowing.
This takes care of your health. By now, you
may have found your motivation. But maybe,
it is still a tiny ball, locked away in one tiny
brain cell, sobbing. Why, oh why, can't I get
out ?!
4. Cuddling. That cute boy in your chem
class would be a good candidate. Or for all of
you lucky people with a S.O (take the abbreviation to be anyway you want), that'll work
do. Not only does it boost your ego, it feel
good. If you hate touching people, there the
soft.cushy, big eyed teddy bear.
5. Do crack. Mmmmm crack.
6. Think of failure. Are you going to fail the
course if you do not do this? If you care at all,
even a bit, this will serve as a kick in the ass
to get going. This sometimes works on a lesser degree with grades. How many marks will
you lose if the assignment is not going to get
7. Bums and losers: really want to end
up like them? Nuff said.
8. Send cryptic e-mails to your self in the
dark hours of the night, threatening to push
you down the stairs and bash your head on the
wall, when you are least expecting it. That is,
if you do not get your shit down. Remember,
our subconscious can be a powerful tool.
Remember: alien hand.
Hey, the list can go on. You get the idea. But
among all things, Get involved. I know you
have heard this plenty before, but it's true.
The more you enjoy University, the more you
may feel motivated to stay in it. Yeah, that's
my problem. Epiphany! Well, there are a
bunch of people getting ready to go beer gardening. I think I'll go with them, after all
being social may give me back some motivation.
"Careful, I'll kick you in the groin and you'll
become impotent" says a fellow male hack to
another male. Uh maybe, I don't want to go
the beer garden after all. "Eat the monkey"
sings another hack.
See what University does to you. Isn't it
(No sperm were hurt in the production of this
article. All monkeys were properly cooked to
ensure death of E.coli and sexcercise is a perfectly cromulent word...)
And on that note, I hearby refute the advice
Miyako gives in her first point. Sleep is bad.
Don't sleep unless absolutely necessary.
You'll thank me in the morning.
-ed. Page Four
27 September 2000
Ramblings version 5.4
still beta testing
On School
Being a part time student is strange, i have
this feeling of disconnection from reality. I'm
at work two days a week, so i'm not really
there. I'm at school the other two days of the
week, taking one hard course and one easy
course and trying to graduate. Wait... missing
a day. See what i mean? The first couple of
weeks at school and work were fine, because
the novelty of not having to go to work every
day, and the novelty of going to class and
learning cool things from profs, but now, it's
getting to me. I feel trapped between two
lives. I feel i don't really belong at school or
at work. I even have fridays off so that i Can
do homework and write 432 articles, as i'm
doing right now. I'm sure i'H get back into the
swing of things after these initial stressful
SUS is different this year. Maybe it's because
they're taking away our office and we're moving into a different, smaller one. Maybe it's
because there's a strange Kerry-Adam-Reka
trio of intensity. Maybe it's because a lot of
people graduated last year. Maybe all of this is
exactly what we need.
On Arts Courses
I love arts electives! They're so fun. I'm not
trying to be patronizing, they're academic and
difficult, but the profs and the students have
such an intense and unique love for their subjects. Maybe it's because i'm in computer science, at the opposite end of the spectrum,
where 97% of the students hate the subject and
are just there to get good jobs when they graduate. All that noise in classrooms does something to one's soul. Next term i'm taking all
arts courses! All the stuff that i've always
wanted to take, but I didn't because i was trying to get my compsci requirements out of the
way (and good thing i did too, between super-
crowded and canceled classes, i'd probably
have to spend another year here taking the
classes i need to graduate.) Film, English,
Anthropology, Philosophy, Psychology. I
laugh at people that use the phrase "when are
you going to use that in a job?" These are the
people that are going to have a university
degree but can't string three sentences together coherently. These are the people that are
going to wake up at 35 and realize that they're
desperately clinging to pop culture because
they don't know about anything.else.
(There is a reason that I'm taking more poll
sci courses than biology. And it's not because
of my preponderance for Law Skool.
On Compsci
Here's a cool way to stir up some shit if
you're a compsci student. It came to me in the
shower this morning, like many other evil
plans that don't become implemented. Many,
many people cheat on compsci assignments,
way more than any other department. There
are a couple reasons for this, such as the fact
that it's very easy to do, and the desire to get
high marks in courses to GeT a GoOOt JoB
upon graduation. Here's what you do: write a
simple perl or shell script to go through all of
the undergrad account home directories, located in something like /bowenl, /bowen2, etc
and look for people that have opened up the
permissions on their course assignment directories so that others can access them. These
are the people that are likely to be cheating on
assignments. Then, use awk or grep to get a
list of account names, and feed those into finger. Now you have a list of the real names of
cheaters. There will be about 100-200. Turn
on fan. Throw shit. Post this list to
ubc.cs.undergrad. Also On Compsci: rick
thrust, you rule. Everyone else, stay tuned for
some h-o-t compsci boy action.
On The People Upstairs
You're very loud. You throw cigarette butts
onto my sidewalk. I'm going to move out of
this basement! hah!
On The Summer
Seeing the Pro-"Life" club table at Clubs
Daze in the SUB with their absurd life-size
replica of a third-trimester foetus made me
think of something i did this summer. I was in
Ottawa outside the Parliament buildings, right
after the tour. I saw a single middle-aged
white male with a sandwich board with the
usual pro-"Life" stuff about "Life" and abortion and babies. I gave him the finger. Right
there on the front steps of the Canadian Parliament buildings. He gave me the finger back.
It was funny, and then it was sad and pathetic.
Two white males swearing at each other, each
having strong opinions and trying to influence
the law with regard to the position of women
in this country, in the place most symbolic of
Canadian democracy. We're in the middle of
the post-feminist Right-wing backlash, aren't
On First Years
I met all of you on the first day of school. It
was very very fun.
On Concerts
I saw the Mighty Mighty Bosstones Wednesday night at the Commodore.. It was amazingly amazing. I've been a fan ever since i saw
them at like Lollapalooza '93 or '94 or something. < checks tshirt in back of closet >
1995. I thought it was earlier than that. Oh
well. The new Commodore continues to be
awesome. We didn't get the floor bouncing up
and down but we did skank to the rhythm until
we were exhausted. We were right up front
near The Dancing Guy. I was glad they played
a bunch of their old stuff, some really old
stuff, and the good stuff from their new
album. I love the Bosstones.
On Linux
To appease Jeff Steinbok i must mention
Linux and Microsoft in every article that i
write for the 432. Linux is cool and it will get
you laid. Microsoft is for the weak, the ignorant, and the stupid. For further rants on this
topic see the 432 back issues from last year.
On Coffee
Finished the article. I'm going to go get
i love you all.
Need Cash?
Get it.
There's something missing here.
Come to the Math Club, Math
Annex 1119, to find out how you
[might win a good lot of money.
Dumb Assed Easy
Contest #1
What issue of the 432 does
this contest appear in?
(Yes, it's that easy. That's
why we call it a dumb assed
easy contest
The winner gets a mid-term caffeine
\pack, courtesy of those of us who l
K have been there and done that M
e-mail    the    editor    at
by Oktober 4th at 4:32pm to
enter, correct entries will
be entered into a draw
for the grand prize! 27 September 2000
Be Nice, or I Kill
Page Five
Corrie Baldwin
Lost an electron
Alright, this is my first article. Can you
tell? Perhaps you can. Or maybe you
are just thinking that I am a total pansy
when it comes to writing articles. After all,
I'm not bitter, and I'm not unmotivated so...
you are totally aghast that I'm a student now
aren't you? However, there is a point to this
article. I am on a special journey. You see, I
am feeling very blue about all the negativity on
this campus. I'm not talking about the type
where you bitch and complain about all the
shit we take as undergrads. No, I'm talking
about the negativity you are venting, if not at
this very moment, not long before, certainly
not shortly after you finish reading this article,
about your fellow homo-sapien(s). So, shut
your trap! Haven't you ever heard the famous
saying: "people who live in glass houses,
shouldn't throw stones?" Well, let me tell you,
there is a whole lot of broken glass on this
campus. And I'm not talking about any specific one of the many examples that have taken
place on this peninsula in the past three weeks
of school. It's everywhere. In class, in hallways, in social space, in
meetings EVERYWHERE!!!!!!!!!!!!!   So
my question is this: why are we all being
soooooooooooo  mean to  everyone even
people we have had as friends?????? Mean
people suck. As that strange guy on Ally
McBeal would say "this troubles me." And
I am not excluding myself from this one. I
know I need to change my ways. I have been
mean about plenty of people behind their
backs people  I find annoying,  selfish,
mean, etc so I'm not preaching from a
pedestal now. Fellow friends, colleagues, students!!!!!!!!!!! lend me your ears! (I meant
that metaphorically, I have my own you
see...)....BE NICE! BE TOLERANT!
SWALLOW YOUR PRIDE! And basically,
don't sweat the small stuff! After all, in a hundred years from now, no one will even know
your little "cool people's club" ever existed! Is
the fact that someone did something very
inconvenient, really worth hurting their feelings, and spreading the word to all their
friends? Is the fact that you don't understand a
person, such as the weird guy in your class
who keeps trying repeatedly to chat you up,
real cause to torment him and embarrass him
and make him feel like crap? My answer? No.
And if that fact that you are unnecessarily
hurting people, doesn't make you question
your ethics and help that good fairy on your
right shoulder win the argument with the devil
on your right (presuming these dudes keep
popping up now and then I really hope they
do....), then perhaps the thought that this attitude and behavior may be hurting you might,
at the least, help you to make the effort to be
a nicer person. I hope the latter isn't the only
reason because that would make you very selfish in my eyes. Sorry. Ooops. That would
count as being mean wouldn't it? Oh understand my point. Please try to
make the world (and our little campus) a better place. Give people the benefit of the doubt,
take a deep breath, and relax. Your heart will
thank you for it. Don't be a punk. :)
God bless Corrie. She wrote this for me
because I needed articles. What a nice girl.
From the ^32 archives:
Little Miss Muffet sat on her tuffet, eating her curds and whey. Along
came a spider and sat down beside her,
And frightened Miss Muffet away.
First Year
Are you in FirstVfear Sciences?
You can still join the First Year
Meetings are every Monday at
3:30pm in Chem Bl 60. Drop by
and see what we do!
E-mail for more
Dead Pool V:
Ding Dong, the
Witch is Dead!
The Reaper
Sister Soul
ead Pool update: Get your dead
I pools in! I think I neglected to
mention that while we suggest
that you get your dead pool in before
Oktober 1st at 4:32pm, it isn't really
■"■""~~—>■—^—«■«——«^—^^—       necessary. You just can't name any
already-dead people.
That said, I was in the AUS office the other day and saw not one, not two but THREE completed dead pool forms that have not been sent in to me. Why not? Are you using them as
decoration? If so, why not e-mail me at with your list? That
way, you can keep the pretty paper on your wall.
The draw for that t-shirt will still happen on September 28th at 4:32pm. Since I have so few
entries, there is a good chance you'll get that prize. So enter today.
No one is dying in the news, at least no one very famous. Trudeau is still hanging in there,
but maybe not for long. Why not have a list o' power? List prime ministers and presidents
galore! Or an Olympic theme! Or a SUS theme! We've gotten quite a few of those so far this
year. They may not get many prizes in way of points, but they are cool to look at.
Remember, if you murder someone, you don't get their points.
God bless, and don't fear the Reaper.
Dead Pool V
Entry Sheet Your Future is in Your Hands
Southern California University of Health Sciences, (SCU), internationally recognized as the leader
in scientifically-based health care education with its Los Angeles College of Chiropractic, now
plans to bring the same innovative curriculum style and dedication to excellence with its new
College of Acupuncture and Oriental Medicine starting January, 2001.
Los Angeles College of Chiropractic
•the leader in scientifically-based and
evidence-based approach to patient 6am
* the only chiropractic college accredited
by the Western Association of Schools
and Colleges (WASC)
• a leader to sports medicine
programs with emphasis in sports injuries,
nutrition, radiology, pediatrics and pain
•state-of-the-art audio/visual
and computer-assisted learning resources
College of Acupuncture and
Oriental Medicine
Curriculum abilities include:
• Effective Communteatton
• ReasorHBas#d Use of Science
and Evidence v,,♦..,    ,i\
• Patient-Centeteti Disease ^Management
• illness Prevention ami Wellness Focus*
• Diagnostic Skis
Programs Offered:
• Acupuncture
• Traditional Oriental Medicine
• Western Sciences and Orthopedics
• Herbal Studies
• Ethics and Practice Managtwnt
• Clinical Training v%
We're coming
to see you Oct 23!
Dr. Joshua Samanta of SCU will
meet with UBC students to share
information and answer questions at
the Vancouver College Fair at the
Delta Pacific Resort & Conference
Centre on Monday, Oct 23, from 6 pm
to 9 pm.
Southern CalifornialMversity
of Health Sciences
Los Angeles Cblfege of Qdiqpractic
being accepted
Canadian Tuition Discount Available 27 September 2000
Page Seven
Page of Porn: For all the Lonely Boys...
Porn and Chips:
The Untold Story
Porn Music and
Britney Spears
Matthew Laird
Surfing the 'Net
I feel like a groundhog, coming out of
his hole to find the sun, rubbing his
eyes and looking around at what has
changed since he began his nap. Yes, I
have finally reached the point where I
leave this fine [sadistic] institution and
make my way into the world. The first
order of business is finding a job, to
replenish my now empty bank account
and pay off those bill collectors who seem
to find me no-matter how many times I
change my number, address, or gender...
I find myself scanning through the job
postings, "Fry cook wanted," "Chicken
plucker needed," "Corporate asswiper
required," you know, the usual. Then one
jumps out at me, and I say to myself,
THIS IS IT! "Web application developer
needed immediately!" My little comp-sci
heart starts pounding as I read on, "good
pay and benefits, flexible work hours..."
A week later, after I have long since forgotten about this job, I receive an email,
and here is where my adventure began.
You see, one very important detail was
neglected from the job posting, the kind
of thing that would have had every horny
little 17 year old boy lined up around the
block to apply for this job. The email
read, "Applicants should note that [company name] is in the adult entertainment
business and employees will be exposed
to adult content." Now if that doesn't
cause an instant erection, I don't know
what does. Yes, I now had an interview
with a prOn company. I had a chance for
every guy's dream, to be paid to look at
prOn! So did I accept the interview? What
do you think!
The day came and I arrive, expecting to
see what every teenage boy fantasizes the
inside of the Playboy mansion to look
like, naked women walking everywhere,
wet t-shirts, and crusty old men walking
around in kimonos. Instead I find a dark,
sterile conference room with 4 fat middle-aged guys around it. Yes, it's apparently obvious why these guys work here;
it's the only chance they'll ever have to
see a naked woman without forking over
large sums of money.
To my surprise however, the leader of
this company did not turn out to be the
hairy-palmed fellow I was expecting, but
an attractive young woman who obviously has learned to use her charms to
manipulate those of us with three legs
into doing her bidding. I had come
expecting a good laugh at all this, but left
actually considering accepting this position (and any other she asked me to
Later that day I receive a phone call.
They were offering me the position!
Obviously I had some charms of my own.
And had it not been for the insultingly
low salary, I might now have an endless
supply of prOn. Yes, a prOn company that
is bilking saps for thousands of dollars a
day in an attempt to get them some satisfaction didn't know how to pay their
employees. I suppose they hoped that the
thought of being surrounded by prOn all
day would be payment enough, hell, I'm
sure there are guys out there who would
do the job for free	
Speaking of jobs people would do for
free, wait until I tell you about my
friend's job! But that's a story for another time...
While I know that half of my reading
audience is female, and this article isn 't
exactly aimed at your areas of interest, I
decided to throw the guys a bone and let
them switch off the brains for a few minutes.
You 're done now. Back to work.
David Swanton
Swallowing Goldfish
.op music as we know it is dying.
Before you all start jumping up and
down and yelling "yea!! No more
crappy  pre-fab,   choreographed,   teeny-
bopper music", just wait until I tell you
——■■■--■■—■-—-■^—■—-——-—■—"-—■-■———    what's next.
Did any of you watch the MTV video awards? Probably more of you than will admit
to it. If you watched, then you probably saw Titany Spears do her lip-synched strip
show. Let me tell you boys and girls, that's the future of popular music. Porn. But it
won't be like the porn of today (and don't pretend that you've never watched it)... The
background music won't be as good. Mark my words, the next S-Club 7 video will be
an orgy scene. Think about it, to keep the audiences, those talentless lumps of silicon
and bad dancing that pass for pop stars have to keep doing more and more. Christina
Aguilara (how the hell do you spell that??) will have to do something to top Titany at
the next big awards show. MTV will slowly become a porno channel. It's inevitable.
Who's going to stop it? The record producers? They're nothing but pimps without the
people skills. Soon, they'll realize that in order to combat the fact the all the real
music the world will soon be gotten off Napster, iMesh, etc, they have to do something new. Porn Music will make them tons of money so they'll push with all their
might, (no pun intended... get your mind out of the gutter) The Pop/porn stars won't
do anything. They've already sold their bodies and souls to popularity. The few
almost-artists that are popular? Metallica sold out so long ago that I doubt they can
remember what principles are. The Chili Peppers are usually half-naked themselves.
Pearl Jam doesn't get invited to those kinds of things anymore. Somehow, I doubt
Eminem is going to have any complaints about more naked women in his videos. Of
course there will be parents groups and religious right fanatics who complain about
the degradation of morals and all that, but they never have any real effect. All they
do is let the kids know where the best smut is to be found.
Now that I've convinced you beyond a shadow of a doubt that Ms. Spears will be a
porn star within the year (within a year? -ed), I must ask the question, what does all
this mean? Survivor, Who want to Marry a sort-of Millionaire, Big Brother, Porn
music... are these all heralds of the cultural apocalypse? My Magic 8-ball of the future
tells me "all signs point to yes". I for one welcome the coming fire-storm. The old
culture was starting to get boring anyway. So, as long as the new order doesn't close
Koerner's and the Gallery, then I say Viva La RevolutionW.
I love this article because David talks about pimps without people skills. I think
they were a band back in the 80's.
Hey you! Are you any good at filling these random awkward spaces?
Write for the 432
1\IW^d +W Weto sSLa
Keip nJ0k£'v\.
Scale. &JW? Co.lV .SorTnzPnSr £r ^! Page Eight
27 September 2000
Contest Winners!    Canadian Bad Ass
Way back in Issue one and in the Guide, we had a little contest.
Here are the results of the contest. Wheel
Winners are cool! These are our winners!
1st place with 14.5 points is Lars Jungclaus!
2nd place with 1 3 points are Barry Shin and Janet Kim-Sing.
3rd place with 12 points are Lisa Cho, Bonnie Leung and Mark Fisher.
Prizes have been won! What a wonderful student organization, to
give prizes for knowledge. It's like life, but with more free stuff!
James Rowe gets an honourable mention for being so gosh darn
funny. And lastly, I guess I do have to mention Jeff Steinbok for coming in dead last with nine. Jeff was once the Director of Finance for
SUS, and he also ran an election for SUS. Now he works for Microsa-
tan in Seattle. Apparently, the department of waste management in
Seattle can no longer use caffeine as a tracer of human waste in the
Puget Sound because the multitude of coffee companies that dump
left-over coffee down the drains after the day warps the tally.
Contest Questions and Answers
1. Name two places that sell UBC Cinnamon buns: All
kinds of places, but not Blue Chip, as Blue Chip sells Blue
Chip cinnamon buns. Don't think there's a difference?
There is, trust me. Half points were awarded.
2. What is the name of the campus student paper that
comes out every Tuesday and Friday? That would be the
Ubyssey, kids.
3. What are the names of the traditional first-year residences on campus? Totem Park and Place Vanier won
out, although the Endowment Lands came a close second.
4. Name the Nobel Laureate in Chemistry who worked at
UBC. Michael Smith, and only Michael Smith.
5. What does the acronym AMS stand for? Alma Mater
Society. James wins brownie points for his 'Asexual Moving Slime' comment.
6. Where is the SUS office? (Building and room number
will suffice) Right now, we're in Chem B 160, but Hennings 102 will be the next location, so you're mostly all
7. In the middle of Main Mall, there is a large concrete
cairn with the letter "E" pressed into it. What does the "E"
stand for? 'E' stands for Engineers. Again, James wins
points with eccentric, eurythmic, entertaining, engorged!,
envious, erotic (?), ewe (??), encounters (???), and endo-
8. What is the name of the UBC Varsity sports teams?
9. What colour are the vans that Plant Ops drives around
campus? Blue, mostly. The new expensive ones are white
with blue writing, so some of you win points for that too.
10. Name the University's Vice President Students. Brian
Sullivan is the University's VP Students. The question was
not asking for the VP's who are students, so those of you
who put the male exec of the AMS do not get points. You
see where copying other people's answers gets you?
11. How many departments are there in the Faculty of
Science? Nine. Sure, whatever.
12. Where is the Dean of Science office? Biol 1505.
13. How many libraries are there on campus? We have a
consensus at 10, so there you go.
14. When is SUS's first bzzr garden of the year? What is
its name? Second Class Bash (Sept 6) and Oktoberfest on
Oktober 6 will both win.
15. When is Science Week 2001 ? January 22 - 26, baby!
Aw yeah. (And I'm not just saying that because it's my
colour 20 page issue, -ed.)
Music by MetallicA, Words by Andy Martin
No one else deserves credit for originality, except maybe Andy and MetallicA again.
And I've set up and beaten through this province with my own two feet
We've travelled this land packed tight in SUVs
And all this for the fans, girls, money, and beer
I played their game, and rubbed them sheer
I will show no fear, I live and die for kicks
If you think I'm soft, watch me chug another mick....
Are you scared?
You wimps need a lesson, so I'm back
Kicking your ass and breaking your backs
30-pack of Shafts, 30-pack of doughs
Would have 30 joints, but the cafe was closed
If you choose just one, make it plus eighty proof
Nineteen's the age, so you'll enjoy your youth
I jabbed and gabbed and smoked some pot
And only. Got. A warning, when I got caught
We saved the world... Vimy's lines
Saving the world... banning mines
And still they ill, they wanna see us fry
1812, kicked their ass, laughed as they cried... cried... cried
Ohhhhh... they call me ho ser, the kanuck in white-red
Throw your toque in the air, and just bang your head and Say 'EH? 'EH?
Slam your body and bang your head and Say 'EH? 'EH?
won't drop 'till I'm dead so Say 'EH? 'EH?
Show me some mettle and Say 'EH? 'EH? 'EH? 'EH?
I like the Tea Party, Our Lady Peace, the Hip
I Mother Earth kicks ass as Edwin Trips
Great Big Sea, Fifty-Four, Kim Mitch., Headstones
And kudos to the bands who can't pay their loans.
Yeah! Pass that bottle over here, man
Got the rock from the main- and Celts from New-land
While Razcals and Maestro is the only rap left
No, don't get me wrong, the Cs still silent
When I'm smashed, bruised, sore and screaming in the pit
And as I ears break through, I'm lovin' every minute
I like good rock, dumbass , so just drop it,
Neil Young is God and Dylan's his prophet... prophet... prophet
Ohhhhh... they call me ho ser, the kanuck in white-red
Throw your toque in the air, and just bang your head and Say 'EH? 'EH?
Slam your body and bang your head and Say 'EH? 'EH?
won't drop 'till I'm dead so Say 'EH? 'EH?
Show me some mettle and Say 'EH? 'EH? 'EH? 'EH?
Yeah... I saw your kids...
Whackin' each other with uzis and magnums
When you gonna learn Mom?
They won't kill each other withouuuuutttttt ggggguuuuunnnnnnsssss
I AM Canadian Bad Ass, watch me kick,
You can roll with rock, or eat hockey stick
I'm in porno flicks, a grand lack of taste
'm gonna f*ck with your head after 1 rock this place
An extreme with a govn't that don't choose sides
Claimed I was Christ, but maybe I lied
F*ckin pot to share, don't give me that glare
Got the long d*ck swinging, middle finger in the air
Never touch a cig, never touch a cell
They shrink your brain, and your d*ck as well
I won't live to tell, so if you do, say
Give the next generation a big F*CK YOU 'EH?
Watch as the kids go grow up, to livin' with Mama
Who gives a sh*t about school? They wipe with your diploma
Just keep your spirit alive, didn't know that, did you?
Get your f*cking education from S: O. T. W.-W.-W
Ohhhhh... they call me ho ser, the kanuck in white-red
Throw your toque in the air, and just bang your head and Say 'EH? 'EH?
Slam your body and bang your head and Say 'EH? 'EH?
won't drop 'till I'm dead so Say 'EH? 'EH?
Show me some mettle and Say 'EH? 'EH? 'EH? 'EH?
I'm a hoser, Bad Ass from the north singing 'EH? 'EH? 'EH? 'EH?
From coast to coast, show what you're worth Say 'EH? 'EH? 'EH? 'EH?
Put the rest of the world with the rest of the crap Singin 'EH? 'EH? 'EH? 'EH?
Pull down your pants and give 'em slaps! 27 September 2000
Page Nine
Road Rage: A Primer
Ben Warrington
Road Runner
A little known fact, the car horn was
originally developed as a safety feature. Somewhat similar to the bell on a
bicycle, it was designed for the purpose of
warning other drivers when you are overtaking
thern, not to mention for generally scaring the
crap out of their horses. It is a testament to
human ingenuity in this world where cars have
completely replaced the horse drawn wagons
that this device has been converted to the
invaluable purpose of saying a big "Fuck
you!" to other drivers. It is also a testament to
human greatness that we have come up with so
many more places to use this particular phrase.
It seems, also, to be widely believed that honking one's horn can somehow magically dissipate traffic jams. On at least one occasion, I
have witnessed an individual leaning on their
horn, apparently trying to combine both uses
into a "Get the fuck out of my way, you twice
goddamned pieoe of donkey humping horse-
shit!" This capability is rather less well documented.
Despite the tone of the preceding paragraph,
I am usually much less prone to road rage
when I am driving than when I am a pedestrian. In the car I may grumble a little at all the
idiots, but I give them plenty of room. If they
are going to roll their car (and I sincerely hope
they do), I would much prefer that they went
careening into the ditch than into the side of
my car. At least one incident comes to mind. I
was driving in downtown Edmonton, and I
was making a left turn. There was plenty of
traffic, but it thinned out about the same time
the light turned yellow, perfect timing in other
words. But wait, a fire truck with lights flashing and siren blaring was coming the other
way down the street, so I waited. The fool
waiting to turn left behind me, however,
honked his horn at me, and waited about 1.5
seconds before pulling out around me. He
turned, cutting off not only me, but also the
fire truck. Of course, since we were both
going the same way, we wound up side by side
at the next light after the fire truck had gone
by. I looked over at him and he was saying
something to me. I decided to leave my windows rolled up. I really didn't want to know
what he was saying. He did not look terribly
irate and probably would have stayed cool, but
if I had rolled down the window, I would have
raged on him. How do explain to the insurance
company, anyway, that you were side swiped
by a fire truck on its way to a call?
When walking, on the other hand, the amount
of collateral damage that I can cause is limited, so my rage is mitigated only by the fact
that the people I am mouthing off are in control of a tonne of metal that can travel ten
times as fast as I can and can keep the speed
up for somewhat longer than me. In other
words, they can crush me. I still consider
myself safer when walking, though, because
generally the drivers cannot hear what I am
saying to them. I did however manage to illicit a finger from a driver at least once when I
pantomimed that I was a pedestrian in a crosswalk and thus had the right-of-way. Maybe as
Take Action. You have a Say...
Have you been motivated and challenged in this course or
that lab?
Have you been encouraged to think for yourself?
Has learning .been a treat?
Nominate your most inspiring instructor;
All it takes is a letter by Oct. 20th!
The Faculty of Science will award three Killam Teaching Prizes for
2000-2001 to acknowledge outstanding contributions made in
teaching in the Faculty of Science and to promote a greater
appreciation of teaching in the Faculty of Science.
Deadline for nominations
Friday, October 20th, 2000 for nominees teaching First Term
Friday, lanuary 26th, 2001 for nominees teaching Second Term
Nominations should be made in writing to:
Faculty of Science Killam Teaching Awards Committee, Dean of
Science Office, Biological Sciences building, Room 1505
Among the criteria taken into consideration will be the ability to
motivate students and stimulate critical thinking, sustained teaching
excellence and development of innovative approaches to teaching
methodology and curricula.
UBC Science faculty members, including lecturers, session«al lecturers,
and laboratory instructors, appointed on or before July 1, 2000 in
any of the Faculty's departments are eligible to be nominated for
the prizes. Each award carries a cash prize of $5000.00!
Selection Process
The prizes will be awarded on recommendation of a committee of
faculty and students appointed by the Dean of Science. Members
of the committee will attend nominees' teaching sessions and
interview nominees' students as well as review all supporting
Prizes will be announced and presented by the Dean of Science at Spring
a pedestrian, I should carry around an air horn
of the annoying type usually found at ball
games. I would then be able to communicate
more effectively with the drivers that almost
hit me when I am crossing the street. It would
also come in handy if someone were walking
too slowly in front of me. Hold that sucker up
to someone's ear and give it a short toot. It
would then be easy to get by when the other
pedestrian was collapsed on the ground, hand
clasped over his ear, blood leaking out
between his fingers.
Another little known fact is that the shoulder
of the highway is not a turning lane. In fact it
is illegal to pull over on the shoulder of the
highway except in an emergency. Also, if
someone is pulled over on the shoulder, it is
illegal to pass them without giving them a full
lane, so it really shouldn't make any difference. There are some pragmatic reasons for
doing these things however, so I am not going
to get too upset about it. There was one time,
however, when I was turning off of the highway at a point just before a hill. Someone was
riding my bumper fairly closely, obviously
wanting to pass. I felt bad about holding him
up, but there was no way I was pulling over to
let him by as was perfectly my right. Like I
said, it is not that I care about the law so
much, but if he were beside me when another
vehicle came over the hill in the wrong lane (a
pretty good possibility in rural Alberta), odds
are high that I would have been involved in the
collision. I was watching out for my own ass.
Besides, if he really needed by, he could have
whipped by on the solid line - illegal, it's
true, but fairly safe as I was slowed up for the
corner. Anyway, the moral of the story is that
I finally turned the corner, and I looked in my
rearview mirror. The woman in the passenger's seat looked like I had just offended her
mother in the worst possible way. She was
absolutely raging at me. Of course, I am not
sure what see was trying to accomplish other
the raising the entropy in the cab of her truck
as both her and my windows were rolled up.
Did she really think I could hear her, let alone
that I cared. Maybe car manufacturers should
include passenger side horns in their cars, so
that angry spouses can say, "Fuck you," to
other drivers too.
Anyway, it is time to stop discussing symptoms, and get to the real root of the problem:
The world is full of idiots. I keep trying to
convince myself that this is not entirely true,
but just when I gain some level of confidence
in the general intelligence of the species something happens to tear it down again. Take for
instance the woman at the superstore who was
pushing her cart towards the exit. There were
three doors. Two were automatic, one was
not. The sensors on the automatic doors were
not the tiny discreet ones that might be easily
missed. They were honking huge black boxes
as wide as the door and at least 3 or 4 inches
high and deep. In place of the sensor on the
third door, there was a gaping empty space, so
towards which door did the woman push her
cart? The manual one. The woman's companion, being somewhat more intelligent, stopped
"Not that door," she said. "It never works. I
don't know why."
Rez Dispenser
Dan Anderson
Ever lived in rez? [No.-Andy] If you
have, then you know exactly what I'm
going to talk about. [/ won't which
makes this article completely and absolutely
moot (Moot is another word for pointless, but
it also means other things such as...Dan,
could you hand me the dictionary?..That's not
the dictionary, that's not even close!...The
fucking dictionary cumwad!...I'm waiting,
stop talking with Bree!...Thank you.
Dump.. .partake. ..motor.. .monoxide.. .moneyed,...wait, M-N-0 Okay. Ah! Here we are!
Moot, as an adjective, is to have no practical
significance, but it also means open to question, or as a verb, means to bring up for discussion. I am so ready for the GRE.).-Andy]
The drunken debauchery, the drugs and sex
[Woohoo! - Andy], the guitar smashing... no,
wait, that's rock and roll. Rez... oh, right!
Rez, that place where vacuums are as scarce as
good music, where no-one has a stereo with
volume settings that go below 80 decibels,
where memory lapses are a good thing because
you don't need to remember how stupid you
were (or are), where they put spices in the
food for the same reason that spices were used
two thousand years ago. (To mask the taste of
meat gone bad, for those of you who aren't in
the know.)
As an aside, anyone near Vanier last weekend
would have noticed people wobbling around in
white shirts with scribbles all over them. Anyone near Gage would have noticed people
stumbling around wearing just bedsheets (and
I mean just bedsheets). It's the fault of the
aliens, right? Note that they weren't wearing
straightjackets. Maybe they should have been,
but... As we all know, i-ez rats on Friday
nights are the hair on the mole on the butt of
the titan that holds up the world.
Talking about rez can only really consist of
talking about alcohol (or various substitutes),
sex [Woohoo! - Andy] (or lack thereof), food
(kinda), and living conditions (if you can call
them that). Back to the start, to alcohol, then?
Well, let's see... what do I remember... (fine,
so that's a stupid question. So what?) Well,
there was Graffiti night (drunken scribbling on
shirts in Vanier, see above). That was a blast.
At about 9:30 pm I was curled up in the pay-
phone alcove on the hallway of my floor,
shirtless, not quite able to pass out (thought I
really, really wanted to) with a sign somebody
handwrote saying "Exhibit A: Drunk Fuck"
taped to the wall above me. Then I went to
graffiti night. Alcohol? Nooooo. Not, in rez.
Couldn't be. You know, perhaps I should stop
ranting about Rez. I mean, I love it, it's a helluva lot of fun, but when your eggs taste like
rotten potatoes, and the potatoes taste like
spicy rotten eggs, it can be hard to not got food
poisoning complain.
Fine, so I won't stop ranting about rez. After
all, there's still living conditions and sex
[Woohoo! - Andy] to talk about, right? On the
subject of both of the above, I know they've
got budget problems, but couldn't they fix
those squeaky beds with the rusty springs
sticking out? It's bad enough to wake up your
roommate (I hear, that is) but to have little red
scabs on you the next day... "hey, sweet stuff,
you said you were clean, right? RIGHT?" It's
a good thing they brought in this extended
health plan, because paying for tetanus shots
would get expensive. Besides which, given the
choice between paying $25 for the shot on the
off chance that you'd catch something that
isn't even normally fatal, or paying $25
towards vodka for Tuesday, most rez rats
wouldn't think twice.
See you Tuesday!
This article contains
60% Article
40% Editorial Rant written two hours before
press time.
(Of which 90% Andy venting
5% Andy not venting
5% Dan venting or not venting)
Article contains 69% of your recommended
daily filling rant requirement.
The Surgeon General recommends that Dan
write longer articles, or suffer chronic pain. Page Ten
27 September 2000
Run in the SUS Council Elections!
Positions Available!
General Officer (4)
First Year Rep (2)
Coordinated Science Rep
Science One Rep
Biochemistry Rep
Biology Rep
Comp Sci Rep
General Sciences Rep
Geography Rep
Geology and EOS Rep
Geophysics and Astronomy Rep
Integrated Sciences Rep
Math and Statistics Rep
Microbi and Immunology Rep
Pharmacology and Physiology Rep
Physics Rep
Psychology Rep
You are responsible for the personal promotion of
all Science Events, to liase with the appropriate
people in your department, year or program in
order to adequately represent the students indicated
by the title of your position, to sit on one (but
usually two) committees appointed through SUS
council, to attend SUS meetings and events, and
to post and maintain regular office hours.
You must be in the year, program or major
indicated by the title of your position (except for
the General Officer positions with are open to
all undergraduate Science students)*
You must be available every Thursday at 1:30pm
to attend weekly SUS Council meetings
Stay tuned for Science Election Voting Days October 11-13,
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S ? » 27 September 2000
Page Eleven
Page o' Repression
This week in the 432, a friendly reminder that sports are cool; your President is from Ontario; the Senator ran
his Palpatinesque ass off; Science Week is still coming; the Secretary loves to barbeque; FYC stands for First Year
Committee, and there is absolutely nothing you can do about it. Run for your lives, kiddies!
Timothy Chan
Aw, man! another one:)? Um, I've really got nothing to report. Senate met
once or twice, and I represented all
Science Students to the utmost of my abilities,
at perilous risk to life and limb. I did the Terry
Fox run. It wasn't that bad. Come out and
donate blood in the fall. Math is fun. Jag is on
It's actually worse than I thought. The exec
are running for fun, not because they are
being chased by campus cowboys or 'geers.
External Vice-Prez
Ajay Puri
Hey there boys and girls, Ajay the silly-
billy here. First I would like to thank
Bree (DoPub) for the wonderful write
up for me last issue =). Okay, school has now
just got underway and it's time to do some
serious work.
Science Week — January 22 - 26 — is one of
my major projects as being VP Ex so you better watch out for that. Now if you would like
to help in organizing the week - We would
totally     love     you!!!     Email     me     at ASAP and we can
work from there. There will be a Science
Week Committee set up soon so look out
for that as well. In case you are wondering
what happens during Science Week all you
need to know is that it will KICK ASS! We
will be having Science clubs will set up
booths/displays to show off what they do;
Cold Fusion - our annual concert (a reason to
get buzzed); and Gamesday - an event where
science challenges all other faculties and
groups to some friendly challenges (another
reason to get buzzed)
Alright that's all for me, until next time the
sillybilly signing out!
Internal Vice-Prez
Reka Sztopa
Well, I can safely say that the past two
weeks have been way too busy for
one human to handle, but here I am,
still alive and typing no less.
Meet the Dean at Imagine UBC was great, as
was the pep rally. We bought long blue balloons for everyone to shake around, but alas,
no one could blow them up. Next year: Air
The First Year BBQ was the biggest success
it has ever been. Over 500 first years ate
yummy burgers and drank yummy free pop.
Another huge success was First Year Committee (FYC), with a group of over 20 people at the moment and still growing.
If you are in first year, you can still join
FYC. Come to our meetings which will be at
3:30pm every Monday in SUS Chem B160.
Or you can get involved in the Science Undergrad Society by running in elections.
Election nomination forms are available now
in Chem B160 or in this issue of the 432.
Make sure you hand all nomination forms in
by 4:32pm on September 29th in Chem B160.
This means that everyone should stay tuned for
That's all for now. Have a great two weeks.
Sara Stamm
Well, if you were slow, you missed
out! The last day for league registrations was Friday. Sorry if you
didn't get a team in. Those of you who did,
however, will be able to get a 60% rebate
from me.
There are still tournaments and fun one-time
events to register for now, in particular Inner-
Tube Water Polo! That is a fun time to be had
by all and I would seriously recommend it.
Look for registration forms outside SUS or at
the SRC. Come out and play for Science.
If you have any questions about anything, just
email me. I am here for you (sometimes)
PS: IF you feel like being on the Sports Committee, email me 'bout that too.
Science Undergraduate Society
October 4th,
Location: SUS
Meet your SUS Executive.
Proceeds to charity.
Keri Gammon
Week three, down already. I've gone
through all the stages - "Wow! I
LOVE my classes! It's great to be
back!" to "Damn, it's tough to get back into
the whole schoolwork thing after four months
off' to "WHY AM I HERE?" to "I'm ready
to drop out, move back to Ontario and become
a bar slut". And I'm just kidding about that
last one, before the rumours get started. It is
actually pretty great to be back at school, seeing friendly faces, the familiar and the new,
and feeling that SCIENCE SPIRIT!
My role as President is basically to keep the
other execs in line, lay the smack down when
things get wacky, work on most things external to the society, and be the "official
spokesperson". I just love that last part. There
isn't much to report from the last couple of
weeks, so I'll just remind you that Department
Rep elections are coming up, and we'd love to
see some new faces among the candidates! At
the very least, make sure to cast your vote.
And importantly - the SUS lounge is moving
to make way for a new laboratory, so come
out and visit us in our temporary location -
Hennings 102. See you around!
Sherry Yang
Hey hey everyone! It was awesome to
see so many of you out for the first
year bbq! Aside from pleasantly stinking of burnt meat afterwards -1 quite enjoyed
In more exciting news - SUS is finally mov
ing. Look to find us in Hennings 102 at the
beginning of October. Hope you all had a
thrilling first few weeks back at school - even
if it was a bit of a shock to the system to be
back! And a quick note for those of you who
are interested in coming out to a SUS council
meeting - if you have any questions, feel free
to email me or come talk to me! I'm more than
willing to give a detailed description of our
meetings; after all, I do take the minutes.
Social Coordinator
Katharine Scotton
Kat here, just to remind you all to come
out to our concert on Friday, Oktober
6th at 8:00pm (doors at 7:30pm) featuring speedbump and 3Fly. Non-alcoholic
drinks will be available, and for all of our
wonderful designated drivers, the coffee
and pop is free! Bring your friends and
have rawkin' good times with speedbump
and 3Fly.
Also, I need people to join my social committee, so if you are interested in helping out,
drop me a line.
Breeonne Baxter
Nothing much has changed since my
editorial on page two. Nope, not even
that. Isn't it nice how crisp and clear
autumn is in this part of town? The tress are so
very pretty. For some reason, I want to put on
a big sweater and picnic on a New England
estate porch. Martha Stewart would be making
pumpkin pies and we would be making arts
and crafts from dried corn husks and pasta
shapes. Then the turkey would come out of the
oven and we'd eat Thanksgiving dinner until
the light faded. Then we would light the Jack
O' Lanterns that the children had made and
sing songs.
Then I realize that I have a group project due
in a month, rent is due, I need to get a job, I'm
moving on the 1st of November, AMS Council meets on the day this paper is due out, I'm
out of meat and baking soda. Does this mean
a trip to the local grocer's for sustenance?
This space is almost filled, to let me tell you
how much fun it is to be alone in the Chem
building late at night. It's so much fun. Especially when they turn off the lights upstairs.
Did you hear something?
I have to go make sure everything's ok.
Maybe I'll not wear these high heels.
Give it to us,Now!
All articles and cartoons welcome.
Must make the editor laugh at least
thrice, contain your full contact
information, and be longer than
700 WORDS.
Write about anything, including
that. We'll take anything.
Just Look at this issue.
all contributions must
be submitted by 4:32 pm,
Wednesday, Oktober 4th.
Email to
27 September 2000
A Very Olympic Christmas Special
Andy Martin
Flipper Baby
Hey Sports fans! This is Darren
Ditishun. A special feeling is in the air
this week. Why are we so excited?
Why is everybody walking around with
dreams of victory -in their heads and illicit
drugs in their blood? Why do my lips look
extra freaky tonight? That's right, it's that
time of every two years again, it's the
Olympic games.
While the rest of the sports world concentrates on Sydney, Australia, I seem to have
lost a bet and am here in Sidney, B.C., as athletes of a different variety gather to show the
world exactly what they can accomplish. They
may not be the fastest, the strongest, the fittest
or the most attractive, and they definitely
aren't the mental giants of the sports world.
Yes folks, this is the Men's Olympics.
On the grounds of an abandoned military
compound, the competitors will gather for the
next 12 days of intense head-to-head-to-
barfloor competition. The lack of media attention, corporate funding, and the reports of uranium contamination of the grounds and water
supply has not deterred the athletes or the
organizers, who still hope to turn a profit on
these budding games.
Roughly five hundred athletes from around
the globe have shown up. The opening ceremonies last night were punctuated by an outstanding performance by Uncle Joe's Air Band
and the subsequent, now infamous episode we
are now told stemmed from someone spiking
the Prime Minister's wine with a cocktail of
LSD and Speed. I tell ya folks, Canadian-German trade will be sour for a while after this.
But it's their fault, they made those kinds of
movies, we just never thought the consequences would be so public.
The Discus, Hammer Throw, Shotput, Pen-
tathalon, Ski Jump and Javelin events have '
been accreted into one 'Smash it Up Real
Good' event, located at the Sidney Art Museum, where world famous artist Robert Bate-
man is hosting an exhibit of his latest works.
The Olympic officials have reported that they
still don't know how they're going to score
this event, but they'll figure out something on
Monday morning. Though they were recently
heard yelling 'two points for baby beluga!'.
Any way they score it, it makes for one hell of
an entertaining Friday night
And that's what these games are really about.
Forget the thrill of competition, the majestic
feelings of training hard and doing your best.
These games are about winning and making
your opponent feel bad about it, while accomplishing things one normally couldn't under
the common judicial system.
Women's groups have nothing to complain
about with regards to segregation in the
games, thanks to the Wrestling event. Women
are fully involved, and are among the best
contestants to step into the chocolate pudding
arena. And yes, 'piledrivers', 'Rock Bottoms'
and 'Wallses of Jericho' are allowed and
(Just as an aside: This is actually a return to
the original style of Andy's writing. The blatant sexism is indeed supposed to be there,
and I'm making the judgement that this kind
of article can indeed have a place in this
paper. If you wish to differ, please contact
me, the editor, at, or drop off
any letters concerning Andy Martin, United
States Fisherys Observer,4n SUS or at the
Dean's Office for SUS. Do not expect the
Deannery to deal with complaints about the
432, as they and we are not connected when
it comes to this paper. That said, we do love
them over there. They make learning fun.
Back to the article, -ed.)
At the Sidney LapDance-A-Go-Go, which is
doubling as the Olympic village, we stop in_on
the bar games portion of the competition. The
'Pickup' event is in full swing. The young
Canadian competitor, Johnny Hoover, who
showed promise in the primaries, makes his
first move towards the redhead in the corner,
a sly grin hiding what must be an unbelievable
amount of pressure. Let's listen...
"Hey baby, are those space pants?"
"I'm wearing a dress."
"Because that ass is out of this world."
...and NO! That Malibu and Coke in the face
is gonna cost him style points. Undeterred, he
turns to the short brunette on his right...
"You know, that dress is very becoming on
...and NO! Despite these recent setbacks,
Hoover has been doing rather well, due to the
fact that most of the other competitors can't
speak English.
Across the bar, Johnny's Canadian teamates
are doing well in the Drinking Decathlon. The
Canadians are ahead after eight events, but it
will take a strong showing in the 'Moonshine'
and 'Gasoline' portions of the competition to
vanquish the Irish team, who traditionally do
well in these events. They'll have to finish
quickly, though, as the first round of the Fus-
ball round robin is slated to start in just over
an hour at the table behind them.
Down by the pool, the Tanzanian synchronized swimming team looks to be headed for
the gold, thanks in great part to their pre-train-
ing in their home country to avoid the crocodiles. Another twist is the music selection
restriction to a random Pantera, Judas Priest,
or Fear Factory song, selected just before the
competition by the judges, as they pelt the
water with cow entrails. It seems that the
Spaniards had no such luck in this event, and
it appears that only one of them will be receiving their 9th place finish.
The Equestrian event, with its newly added
flaming and surprise booby-trapped obstacles,
will be keeping the Sidney Glue Factory in
business for a while, while earning the pentathlon competitors a little pocket change for
their trip. And looking at the current survival
rate, the games may save some money in not
having to distribute quite so many medals.
At the firing range, several athletes seem to
be on the verge of boycotting the Olympics.
Both the American Badminton and Ballroom
Dancing teams are extremely agitated by the
fact that, not only will they be sharing the field
with each other's competition, but that they
will also have to share the field with the
Archery competition. Combined with the fact
that they have been issued team uniforms that
look remarkably similar to bull's eyes, these
conditions may cause the spoilsports to walk
out of the games.
As the sun sets on the Olympic flamethrower,
another day of competition draws to a close.
As it dips under the horizon, the twilight
brings with it the promise of a night of boozing and panty raids. But by noon tomorrow,
competition will heat up once more and another day of death, destruction, and gymnastics
will await us here in Sidney, B.C. For TSN,
this is Darren Ditishun. Goodnight.
When you read this article, did you ever
think that those pick-up lines were real? I've
not seen them in action, but I have heard of
their use. I think the reaction of both the people in the audience and those on the playing
field was similar, and involved a kick to the
I say we have the Hollywood Olympics. Set
the athletes down in the middle of Disneyland
After hours and let them try to get away from
the mechanical mouses and dwarves and
Caribbean pirates before sun-up.
What? Don't think it happens?
It could just happen to you.
Friday, Oktober 6th
in the SUB Ballroom
3FLY 8L Guests
Only $5 to get in!
$5 flat, then 250 a drink!
That's right, 250 a drink!
Quick quiz, brainiac:
$10 gives you 20 whats?
Free pop and coffee for
designated drivers!


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