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The 432 Nov 25, 2003

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25 November 2003
'I went to a meeting for premature ejaculators. I left early/
-Jack Benny
No evidence of Moon
Rocks being Mood
Rocks, yet.
(Vancouver, Reuters)
At a recent "Scientists of Tomorrow"
conference, UBC Earth and Ocean
Science student Kenneth Norton
announced his discovery of a correlation
between the phases of the moon and his
girlfriend's level of bitchiness. The 4th year
Honors student explained that he came to
this conclusion after carefully analyzing
his girlfriend Tracy's psychotic, irrational
"Tracy's normal emotional state is calm
and composed," reported Norton, "but
after approximately 2.5 months of courting, I began to note some irregularities in
her behavior. For example, if I arrived less
than fifteen minutes late for a date, she
would usually forgive me with no harbored resentments. But on one occasion, I
arrived only 3 minutes past the arranged
meeting-time, and she responded by
throwing her backpack at my head and
yelling that I was a 'fascist patriarchal
oppressor bastard Satan spawn.' She followed this personal attack with an accusation of infidelity, and then sobbed uncontrollably for the next four hours. But within 48 hours, she had returned to normal
and insisted that the entire incident be dismissed without further discussion."
After a few such incidents, Norton relates,
he began to note down whenever Tracy
acted, as he put it, "fucking crazy." After
eight months of careful observation, he
was still completely baffled at what could
be causing such extreme lunacy with such
predictable regularity. His breakthrough
came, however, when he transferred his
data to a calendar in order to look for visual patterns.
"The calendar I used had the phases of the
moon marked on it," explained Norton.
"And lo and behold, the answer jumped
out at me: Tracy's bursts of insanity were
clearly linked to the phases of the moon!"
Norton plans to explore his hypothesis
more rigorously in his thesis, tentatively
titled "Bad Moon Rising: The Relationship
of the Moon to Female Psychotic
Episodes." He is seeking men who have
been in long-term heterosexual relationships and would be interested in being
interviewed about their firsthand experiences with temporary female psychotic
Women's Students
Center Offended
(Vancouver, AP)
Enraged females, possibly experiencing a rumored outbreak of PMS,
thundered through the halls and
atriums of the Student Union Building of
the University of British Columbia yesterday, tearing all images portraying women
from the walls. The extent of the vandalism
was described as 'severe and nearly inhuman in nature' by the building's proctor,
Barney Glotz, in a statement given late yesterday afternoon, after the rampage had
subsided. The Women's Students Center
claimed responsibility for attack on public
space, with the justification that the world
had made a much greater attack on womankind. This reporter cautiously
approached one of the individuals
involved in the seemingly lunatic vandalism spree. The clearly disturbed young
woman, who identified herself only as 'the
empowered', described the act as "a ritualistic cleansing of the student space and student mind."
"Those ads and images portray unfair
female stereotypes", 'the empowered'
informed me while displaying the ruins of
several posters. "In this image the girl is
Nobody Clares Me
clearly wearing make-up, something
designed by and forced upon us by the
male oppressors. In this one, a girl is eating meat! I mean, not all of us eat meat! It's
a nasty stereotype and it's got to stop! And
look at this disgusting masculine imposed
filth - this image here shows a woman buying groceries. It's like they think that shopping is a woman's duty or that a man
shouldn't be responsible for shopping.
Men eat too you know so how can they say
that it's only up to a woman to bring home
the groceries? I just don't think it's fair! It's
not fair and I hate them! HATE THEM
ALL!" As 'the empowered' continued her
angry tirade, the froth at the corners of her
mouth began to build and I began to fear
not only for the security of my own person,
but for that of all individuals who have
either penises or shaved legs.
In a statement released by the Women's
Students Center, the individuals involved
in the SUB 'cleansing' declared the action
to have been taken on behalf of all women.
The letter proudly proclaimed the SUB a
safe place for women to again enter, as
they would now be free of all need to think
on their own.
432 Editor
Runs Out Of
(Vancouver, AP)
Tired,  hungry,   and  plumb  out  of
human brains to snack on, at 4:31am
yesterday, 432 editor Dan Anderson
ran out of creativity and gave up.
eric tong 2003
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confession Page Two
25 November 2003
Volume Seventeen
Issue Four
25 November 2003
Half A Mind Too
Lana Rupp
Dan Anderson
Take No Gaff
Andy Martin
Ben Tippett
Eric Tong
Lana Rupp
Chris Anderson
Chris Baitz
Dan Anderson
Frank Yang
Howard Choy
Jen Ross
Jo Krack
Jordana Laporte
Kiran Bisra
Stephen Naphegyi
Alan Warkentin
Ray Turner
Cathy Choi
Robert Cross
Kat Scotton
Andrew Thamboo
Anna Trinh
Funny Smelly Types
Dan Yokom
Serena Siow
Anna-Marie Bueno
Alan Warkentin
Lana Rupp
Kristin Lyons
Patricia Lau
Gina Eom
Printed by
College Printers, Vancouver, BC
Legal Information 'n Stuff
The 432 is produced by a) Editors
and Writers b) The Gestapo c) Brain
devouring Zombies d) all of the
above Science Undergrad Society
Lounge in the L.S. Klinck building.
All views expressed in this issue are
strictly those of the individual writers, and as such are not the responsibility of the 432, The Science
Undergraduate Society, or the Faculty of Science. Writers and cartoonists are encouraged to submit their
material to the 432. Submissions
must meet the requirements of
making the editor chuckle at least
thrice, and contain the author's
name and contact information.
Feedback to the432@hotmail.com
Pretty Please?
GAP Tries
Yet Again
Latest Lifeline Display Aims to Shock and Awe
(Vancouver, AP)
Not to be outdone by their previous
displays of fetal genocide, the anti-
abortion group Lifeline has
brought to campus what it they claim to be
their most shocking and awe inspiring
Genocide Awareness Project (GAP) display
to date.
Fearing their previous graphic yet ultimately static posters on comparing the
horrors of abortion were losing their novelty value with students, Lifeline decided to
feature actual, physical remains for comparison in their latest display on Lhursday,
October 30.
"Bringing in the remains of Jewish holocaust victims, lynched African Americans
and Rwandan villagers slaughtered in
mass killings to campus has been a huge
undertaking," said GAP event coordinator
Vlad Lepes, "but to pull it off in conjunction with showing actual aborted babies
side by side would have been impossible
for any organization besides Lifeline to
pull off."
Lepes commented that the massive,
dynamic arrangement of grown carcasses
and fetal remains, featured prominently
above tall wooden stakes in front of the
Student Union Building, has been the most
powerful statement made by GAP since
the program's inception.
"I like to call it the forest of lost dreams."
said Lepes while admiring the display.
"Our biggest difficulty was in keeping the
scavengers away, but we've been pretty
successful. Lhe crows have had their fill
now, and so it's been relatively peaceful for
a few hours."
However, despite Lifeline's high expectations, reactions have been mixed regarding
this latest assault on student sensibilities.
Aside from a few complements toward
authenticity and isolated complaints about
sanitation concerns, students remained
largely indifferent towards the displays.
"What's worse than a dead baby on a
stick?" observed Emanuel Long, one such
student bystander: "a dead baby on a stick
trying to make a statement."
Budget Contracted Out
(Monrovia, Liberia, AP)
An exhaustive global search for the
wallet of the Board of Governors
has finally borne fruit, UBC Budget
Committee (UBC) chair and university
president Martha Piper announced on
Monday, October 20.
Long term financial growth, increased
revenues and private chartered jets are in
store for UBC's top administrators, said
Piper, who is personally promoting the
new budget to the rest of the university.
If it is approved in March 2004, the budget
will be marked as a historical item for the
first of its kind to be contracted out to a foreign nation - in this case, Liberia.
Lhe Budget Committee, itself funded
largely by the windfall from last summer's
5 million dollar tuition accounting error,
chose the Liberian Finance Ministry for the
lucrative contract of creating the budget
due to that nation's commitment to economic sustainability. Lhe committee spent
over six months on a hectic schedule of
overseas trips to observe the government
models of nations famous for their economic management, such as North Korea,
Russia and the United States, before finally
deciding on awarding the contract to
"I, on behalf of the Liberian people, would
like to thank the University of British
Columbia for choosing our country for all
of your tax evasion needs". Said Liberian
Financial Minister Charles Bright after
becoming aware of the university's decision.
Bright was somewhat disappointed after
being informed UBC has no affiliations
with the nation of Columbia nor its drug
cartels, but insisted he looked forward to
"accomplishing great things together".
As a sign of possible things to come, a
leaked internal memo from the Board of
Governors indicated starting from September 2005, all students will be automatically
charged for purchasing compulsory shares
of OmniBoG Ltd, a soon to be formed subsidiary of UBC to be headed by CEO
Martha Piper.
Minister Bright refused to comment publicly on whether the memo was related to
the budget contract, although he did offer
premium rates for anyone interested in
seeking a private consultation session to
discuss the issue.
Ethanol 2003: Anna-Marie, Justine, Serena and Andrea. Stunning!
Amazing! Come watch College Girls get drunk and be naughty!
Skinny By
Jen Ross
Well Hydrated
Researchers at UBC studying the
potential medical side effects of the
Atkins diet discovered a revolutionary new weight loss possibility. Lhe new
diet has been dubbed the Uma diet, after
celebrity Uma Lhurman, a fan of the new
diet plan.
Lhe Atkins diet, which involves removing
almost all carbohydrate intake from the
diet, has seen remarkable success over the
past decade. Lhe new Uma diet takes the
"passe" Atkins diet to a whole new level,
according to Dr. Nick of the UBC Department of Health Sciences. "In the new
[Uma] diet, we not only eliminate the carbohydrates [like the Atkins diet], but we
also eliminate fats and proteins!"
Although the diet is not yet medically tested, proponents claim that you could "easily" lose over 40 lbs by Christmas. Lhey do
caution, however, that within one month of
beginning the diet, most followers will
experience one or more of the following
symptoms: nausea, headaches, lightheadedness, difficulty in thinking, blurry
vision, dry heaves, malnutrition, kwash-
iokaur and/or death.
A suggested week plan of the diet follows:
Breakfast: 1/3 c. water; 1/4 stalk celery
Snack: 1/3 c. water
Lunch: 1/6 carrot, finely grated and
cooked in 1 c. water to make soup
Snack: 1/3 c. water; 1 saltine*
Dinner: 1 c. water; 1 leaf lettuce
 Monday - water day:	
Breakfast: 1 c. water
Snack: 1/2 c. water
Lunch: 1 c. water; 1 saltine*
Snack: 1/2 c. water
Dinner: 1 c. water
Breakfast: 1/2 c. water, 1/4 stalk celery
Snack: 1/3 c. water
Lunch: 1/2 stalk celery, cooked in 1/4 c.
water and 1/4 c. curry powder
Snack: 1/3 c. water; 1 saltine*
Dinner: 1 c. water; 1/8 carrot
 Wednesday - feast day:	
Breakfast: 1/2 c. water, 1/4 stalk celery
Snack: 1/3 c. water
Lunch: 1/4 carrot, grated, mixed with 5
tidbits of pineapple and 1 tsp. lowfat
peanut butter, spread on 1 rice cake.
Snack: 1/3 c. water
Dinner: 1 c. water, 1/4 carrot
 Thursday - famine day:	
Lunch only: 1 c. water, 1 saltine*
As Luesday, substitute 4 leaves lettuce into
the curry for the celery
Breakfast: 1/2 c. water, 1/4 stalk celery
Snack: 1/3 c. water
Lunch: 3 leaves lettuce, 1/8 can salmon, 1
cucumber pickle
Snack: 1/3 c. water
Dinner: 1 c. water, 1/6 stalk celery
*Saltine should be eliminated for optimal
weight loss, or if you are concerned about
bloating. 25 November 2003
Page Three
Saving the World,
One Computer at a Time
Stephen Naphegyi
Well, once again it's time for me to
tell you all either how to better
yourselves, rant about things
that piss me off, or make fun of Arts students. Usually, I would start of with some
witty observation, or ask a question and
then give a smart-assed (but correct)
answer. This time will be no different. So
here goes:
You know those billboards with a picture
of two foxes and a rooster that say "No
worries, free antivirus with Telus ADSL"?
Now, here's the part where you can all better yourselves (or at least save yourselves a
lot of frustration): DON'T FUCKING
DOWNLOAD IT!!! My computer was
working fine (albeit somewhat cranky) but
my antivirus program was out of commission. So I decided "Hey, it's free, I'll download this new one from Telus." Bad idea. It
turns out that my Windows software wasn't freshly updated, so as a result, the new
antivirus decided that my whole computer
was viral, and wiped out the whole thing.
It deleted the internet, I lost Microsoft
Word, and I can't open any of my other
programs. So, not only am I cut off from
the marvelous world of pop-ups and
Strong Bad emails, but I no longer have the
world at my fingertips so I can bitch about
Some of you Mac users out there may be
laughing at me right now, thinking of how
wonderful your little shitbox of a computer is. But anyone out there who's about to
argue with me over why Apples are better
than PC's probably spends too much time
either at the SUB Arcade, or sitting at home
masturbating in front of their Mac, or both
So, in summation, don't download Telus'
aptly named "Freedom" antivirus (I realize
now that the program is powered by a
company called Zero Knowledge, why
didn't I see that coming?), it will bugger up
your computer, and you too will be stuck
in Main library writing 432 articles, surrounded by geeky Arts students waiting to
steal your computer.
For those of you willing to admit that you
spend too much time masturbating while
at the Arcade (or some combination of the
two), email me at snaphegyi@hotmail.com
so that I can make fun of you and print
your names in my next article. I suppose
you could also email the432@hotmail.com
so we can all make fun of you at once.
Either way, you really need girlfriends.
Each year, a select few get to organize a little known
and very unique aspect of campus life.
r   t;
Jello wrestling.
You could be one of those people!
Join the Science Week Committee!
The Science Week Committee meets at 5:00pm in LSK 202 every Thursday in
November and January and that its a great committee with differing levels of
committment, so anyone can come out and make a difference and have a great time!
Jordana Laporte
Blowing (in the wind)
Ah, I love the fall, don't you? The
leaves are changing to beautiful,
warm colours, the air is crisp with
that familiar fall breeze and the deafening
sounds of the leaf-blowing S.W.A.T. team
resonate all over campus. Yes, the latter is
definitely something I'll treasure from my
UBC experience. For some reason I find it
fascinating to see grown men, dressed in
overalls and wearing protective eyewear,
blowing away falling leaves like they're
afraid of them. The best part is that they
not only blow the leaves into piles for
removal, but they can actually be seen
hunting them down. They lurk at the foot
of trees awaiting the moment when one
timid leaf should venture away from its
branch. And then the S.W.A.T. team
pounces, like an African lion on an unex-
pecting, injured antelope.
The leaves don't stand a chance against
the powerful motors of the leaf blowers,
they get instantly swept away into piles,
a.k.a. leaf concentration camps, where they
wait for their termination. These leaf blowers, they're really on top of things too. They
come out at the first sign of fall and don't
quit until all the scared little leaves have
been exterminated. They're relentless.
There must be a period where it's impossible to keep up with the volume of fallen
leaves. Tm sure the leaf-blowing S.W.A.T.
team goes a little "postal" around this time.
They likely have clinics for anger management to cope with the stress and anxiety of
their job. Imagine it, you pile up a bunch of
leaves and then more fall, then more fall,
then the wind scatters the pile in every
direction. If that's not a crisis, I don't know
what is!
I've noticed this is only a UBC phenomenon though. It seems the city of Vancouver
dedicates its workers to other, some might
deem more essential tasks, keeping the
leaf-blowers at bay. Why then is there such
a need at UBC to get rid of these little buggers? Are they disease agents? Are they
toxic when walked upon? Do the leaves on
campus have a negative effect unseen in
the rest of Canada; for instance, perhaps
they release harmful UV rays? Who
knows? It just seems like if the university is
so determined to rid campus of the fall's
greatest virtue there must be a motive.
Think of how incredibly efficient
this university could be if the other departments worked as diligently and with as
much passion as the leaf-blowing S.W.A.T.
team. Can you imagine the kind of work
that would get done if UBC Housing operated with such tenacity? There would be
no waiting lists; Housing would be whip-
Howard Choy
Loves Mommy Dearly
"Moses struck a rock and water came out.
That's just impossible. As far as I know,
staffs back then were made of wood. His
staff would have broken upon impact if he
had hit it hard enough to even try to make
a hole for water to come through, unless he
sort of made a stabbing motion on the rock,
but even then, it would take many
Goliath's to make a hole in a rock with a
staff. Finally, let's just say that Moses had
the strength of ten giants, and his staff was
not made of wood, but of some titanium
alloy or some shit and he actually managed
to dent the rock, you know what he'd find?
Dormand looked out to the audience and
they were starting to drift. He tried shouting again, "MORE ROCK!!" but none of
them seemed to care anymore.
After another half an hour of discrediting
biblical figures, he walked off the stage and
went back to his seat. A tall man wearing a
tuxedo and a red bow tie and wire rimmed
glasses walked on and took the mike. The
crowd applauded and Dormand left, not
waiting for the next act, not caring what
the next act was. He was on a mission, a
mission to de-evangelize the world.
He left the auditorium and made a bee
line for the church across the street. He
kicked the door open and walked in. He
searched the room for priests, altar boys,
custodians, or anyone that would know
that he didn't belong there. The coast was
clear so he snuck into the confessional and
proceeded to wait for unsuspecting sinners
to show up in the adjacent booth. Some-
days he would sit there for hours and no
one would come in, but he got lucky that
day. An elderly lady who smelled like
maple syrup took a seat, "Forgive me
father for I have sinned, my last confession
was one month ago."
"Why are you here? Are you hoping God
will forgive you? Because supposedly he is
the great omnibenevolent Guy who forgives everything bad you have ever done?
ping out new residences by the minute.
And if IT Services worked with the drive of
a leaf-blower we might have wireless
everywhere, even in the distant outskirts of
campus such as Fairview Residence (I
hope you're reading this IT Services, get a
move on already!). But let's not forget the
extent of the improvements we would see
within our own departments. Labs would
have the newest technology; buildings
would have proper heat control; overhead
projectors would function when needed;
and we might actually get a little S.W.A.T.
team in the science department dedicated
to making Wood lecture rooms look less
like a Barney and Friends concert hall and
more like a comfortable, up-to-date, lecture area.
I know these improvements sound better
on paper than applied in the real world of
our UBC community, but if the leaf-blowing S.W.A.T. team can accomplish their set
goals, anything can be done. A task like
leaf-blowing can get out of hand and
become both physically and mentally
demanding; thus, we wonder, just how do
they mount these obstacles with success?
Maybe someday the leaf-blowers will
reveal the secret of their stamina, so the
rest of the university can benefit from their
wisdom. Maybe not. Until then we can just
smile every fall as the dedicated S.W.A.T.
team returns for another round of leaf
Well if he's so forgiving, what's this original sin bullshit? He can't forgive any of us
for taking a bite out of a freakin apple?
Why don't we get the same chance as
Adam and Eve? I know that if He offered
me paradise, I wouldn't eat the apple,
maybe because there's no paradise huh?
You ever think of that? And another thing-
"Dormand! Get out of there right now!"
cried Father Marcelus.
"Don't tell me what to do! You're not my
"Dormand, don't make me call the
Defeated, Dormand left the confessional
and shot the old lady a dirty look, only to
see that she was already in tears. Dormand
smiled to himself as Father Marcelus tried
to console her. He felt a little guilty, but it
was a small price to pay on his journey to
disrepute Christianity.
He got home in time to have a little snack
before he had to leave again. He checked
his mailbox, which was full, picked out the
important looking ones and dumped the
rest into the garbage can nearby. It was all
hatemail anyway, and even if it wasn't, it
probably wasn't very important. He waited
for the elevator while flipping through his
bills. The doors opened just as a pretty girl
with medium to short blonde hair came up
behind him and greeted him warmly, "Hi
Dormand! How's is going?" said the girl, as
they both walked into the mirrored elevator.
"Hey Erica... Alright I guess, got kicked
out of church again."
"You know, I never really agreed with that
part of your plan, the listening in on confessions and whatnot..." said Erica.
Dormand adjusted his collar and said quietly, "I don't listen in on what they say, I
just wait till they're in and then I tell them
how it's bullshit to depend on God for
every little thing."
"I see, well here's my floor, and just
remember, God loves you! hahah!"
"Yea yea, go eat yourself"
Dormand waited for another floor, got
out, walked to his apartment and unlocked
his door. He checked his messages while
making a sandwich and ate it while watching Maury Povich talk to some kids about
being out of control. He looked at the clock
and it was quarter to four. He had to hurry
if he was going to make it on time. He
grabbed a jacket and left his half-eaten
sandwich on his coffee table.
Dormand hated going to the hospital, as it
smelled like sick. He walked through the
disgustingly white walls and nurses
dressed in white and old people in blue
smocks or whatever those things that let
their asses hang out are called, and met Dr.
Rosen outside his mother's room. He asked
her, "So how has she been lately?"
"She doesn't have much time left, maybe a
week, two max." replied Dr. Rosen.
"Is she awake?"
"She's been awake for an hour now, but
she might slip back to sleep any moment,
so you'd better hurry if you want to talk to
Dormand walked through the door and
watched the nurse try to feed his mother
pudding for a while before she noticed,
and left. His mother looked up at him,
"Dormand, how nice of you to come"
"Yea mom, how are you feeling?"
"A little better, I think I'll be able to get out
of here soon"
"Yea mom, just a little while"
"Have you been saying your prayers?"
"Yea mom, I've been saying my prayers." Page Four
25 November 2003
Canadian Undergraduate
Technology Conference
Want to network with international industry
leaders? Want to learn about the latest trends in
technology? Want free stuff? Then the Canadi
an Undergraduate Technology Conference is
for you! The Canadian Undergraduate Technology Conference (CUTC) is an annual conference run by students for students. Started in
2000 by some visionary undergraduates from
the University of Waterloo, CUTC has gained
immense popularity and support from both
academia and industry and continues to be the
largest conference organized exclusively by
university students across Canada.
The three-day conference features hands-on
workshops and seminars with various speakers
from the technology industry. Among the high-
caliber keynote speakers involved this year are
Glenn Edens, Vice President of Research and
Director of Sun Microsystems Labs, Frank
Clegg, President of Microsoft Canada, and
Nancy Martin, Operations Leader for the GE
Global Research Centre. Past keynotes have
included Michael Neuman, President of Be
Mobility, and Helene Armitage, Vice President of
Technology of IBM. Unlike other conferences,
CUTC delegates are encouraged to interact
with speakers at the conference. Through
events such as ThinkTank, TechExpo, Career-
Expo, TechPanel, TechShops, and TechTours,
delegates will have the opportunity to share
their opinions, ideas, proposals, comments, and
criticisms about contemporary issues pertaining
to technology with those who drive the industry.
CUTC's technology seminars also present
exciting opportunities to network and enhance
perspective through discussions on topics such
as New Frontiers, Intelligent Systems, Culture
and Connection, Technology for our World, and
The Market Place. Speakers for CUTC 2004
include: Dr. Jim Mitchell, Sun Fellow and Vice
President of Sun Microsystems Laboratories,
who will be a ThinkTank guru; David Kirk, Chief
Scientist and Vice President of Architecture at
NVIDIA, who will give a glimpse of future graphics technologies and explore the factors that
make inventors out of engineers; and Ray
Mowling, past president of Monsanto and current Executive Director for the Council for
Biotechnology Information. Arts and technology
also unite this year as Ron Burnett, President of
the Emily Carr Institute of Art + Design in British
Columbia, explores the impact of technology on
learning and artistic innovation.
Along with academic features, CUTC will be
hosting a variety of exciting events that are both
interactive and informative. Delegates will participate in a range of events, from tours of local
technology companies to technology workshops
to speech competitions. Activities such as Giant
Twister, Human Foosball and massage lessons
punctuate the conference, making it fun for both
delegates and organizations involved while
making CUTC unique of other technology conferences.
CUTC has been widely successful with the
past four conferences selling out, each bringing
together approximately 500 students in various
disciplines from 20 universities across Canada
In the past, CUTC has gained support from
leading companies such as Bell Canada,
Microsoft and IBM Canada Ltd., and from media
such as The Toronto Star, The Discovery Chan
nel, The Globe and Mail, and CityPulse 24.
You can be a vital part of the future of technol
ogy. Be a part of CUTC 2004, held on January
22 - 24, 2004 at the Delta Toronto East Hotel.
Visit CUTC's web site at www.cutc.ca for your
chance to win prizes from Microsoft, IBM and
free CUTC registration. For more details about
the conference and how to participate, please
visit the web site or email info@cutc.ca.
Cathy Choi, Public Relations Organizer
(519) 880-1227, cathy.choi@cutc.ca
jAMjuuw prti ft torn, aow
Life is filled with many adventures and can be an
exciting and enriching experience for those who choose
to engage fully in all that is within their rench.
Excellent Venue for Students to...
• Share their experiences
• Learn about key leadership issues
• Cain essential leadership skills
• Learn how to get more involved
Conference Highlights
• Leadership Workshops
• Two Inspirational Key Note Speakers
• Networking Night
• Leadership Opportunities Fair
• Nestor Korchinsky Leadership Award
You 're The Master of Your Destiny!
Choose From Endless Possibilities
For more info or to register visit www,ams-ubc.ca/slc
Dan Anderson
Sees You When You're Sleeping
Bananas and peanut butter are traditional
companions, but to your mild embarass-
ment the crowd will fail to understand
when you bring this up during a wedding
They say "grab the bull by the horns" -
and your determined attempts to discover
who they are will result in a tragic mix of
red paint and running from stampeding
bo vines.
The continuing belief that accomplishment is only limited by desire will never be
tested in your lifetime until you realize
how deeply you crave - nay need - that bag
of Real Ketchup Flavoured Chips.
Reality doesn't emulate Video games, and
your frenzied attempts to eat power pills
will cause three pharmacists to develop
deep phobias of all things yellow.
Shank n 2: the part of the human leg
between the knee and the ankle. (Source:
WordNet ® 1.6, © 1997 Princeton)
The ripples caused by what you consider
to be your moderate flatulence will be felt
for generations of students to come.
First years are an integral and robust part
of the UBC eco-web, and your disruption
of their breeding habits will not not be tolerated long by Mother Nature.
The sign will say "please come in." Don't.
No free manicure is to be trusted.
Most scorpion stings are only as painful as
a bee sting. Most.
Martha Piper will be impressed by your
drive to start a first year Fntroduction to
Prosthetics class until she realizes your
twisted fetish.
Sleep comes easily - almost too easily.
Beware the clown, and beware the oft-
repeated television references.
Argentina's elite will be ecstatic when you
step off the plane, but their elation will
turn to dissapointment when the autopsy
reveals that you were not, after all, the spy
they mistook you for.
i ^^T        I ■        ^
Timmy Makes Fun Of Things
Ha Ha! Stupid Grim Reaper! ]
the physical
embodiment of
death —•
Why do you wear that hoodie
all the time? It's not like you
have ears to keep warm or
anything! 25 November 2003
Page Five
The Funny: UBC's Anti-Drug
Andy Martin
ight now, I'm feeling happy 'Happy'
being French for '12 shots of bourbon'.
How are you doing?
Shall I compare thee to a summer's day?
You both make me want to drink heavily.
I sit, staring at a blank word processor
document. I've had almost 2 weeks to come
up with a topic to use as a jumping off
point from which to spew hilarity, and I
haven't been able to do it yet. 'Course, the
booze may have something to do with that.
Drinking while I'm writing...oh, don't get
on me like that, 'drinking while you're
alone is a sign of alcoholism'. Screw that, I
say it's just me enjoying good company.
Anyways, yes, no subject. I had a few. The
most recent was this morning, when, in a
state of semi-sleep, I came up with what
seemed to be an awesome idea of an article
outlining how a Caucasian to become
Asian. Then I laid it out, and found the
well running dry after the first step of
drinking heavily to damage your liver,
therefore acquiring jaundice. Then it started to run low on taste, funny, and most
importantly, length.
Don't look at me like that. I may bee Caucasian, but I'm Asian on one side, which
makes me Cauc-Asian.
A few days earlier, my buddy's ranting
during the latest 'power hour' (what Amer
icans do instead of Centurions because
their beer tastes awful - and they let you go
to the bathroom during the proceedings)
inspired another chapter of my love rants.
But we've gone to that well a few too many
times, and it could harm our artistic
integrity. Not to mention that the last one
got cut due to excessive raunch.
Ummm...lets check email for some subject ideas. Spam! Wow! Apparently I, as
'troller2raven', should 'gEt read_y to shOOt
c#u*m like a flrehOse'. And... wow! If I submit my bank number, these guys claim that
they can tell me my future! Look...Oh
good. b87dur739@89syubox.gynob is
admitting that she is sorry about whatever
it was that we were fighting about, and as
an apology, has written an entire email
about how I can get 5% off aluminum siding.
Exactly what kind of mindset does the
spammer have? They are truly the dregs of
society. Advertising is advertising, but to
be willing to irritate the crap out of hundreds of millions of people, none of which
are ever going to respond, is downright
horrible. And I bet the proceeds of spam-
ming are going to some evil plot of world
domination, like re-electing Bush.
It's not like I have the time to think up a
subject. Between balancing school, teaching, manual labour around campus for a
few bucks, managing and playing in a
band, my classical music career, and all the
womens that I can find, there ain't much
room left. So fuck off.
I got a call a few days ago from UBC,
which was refreshing, asking for donations
to help the poor students of the cash
strapped university, and they kept reminding me that 'you must remember in how
bad a shape of the labs were when you
went through? You don't want anybody
else to have to go through that, do you?'
I tried to spell it out for the girl on the
other side that I graduated with a Biology
degree (i.e. earning potential ->0) and was
currently working my way through a M.Sc.
degree while paying for life. She responded that I understand, but any contribution
would be welcome...even if it's only fifty
or twenty dollars'. I politely threw the
phone across the room up right there. Back
in the day, I did calling for SUS's graduation gift, and if we got five bucks from a
target who was still a few months away
from having to pay back student loans, we
were happy. Actually, if we got money, we
were ecstatic. We were happy if the person
we had to call actually had a pronounceable name. I think I'm fairly multicultural
and up for unique names, but not when
they have 15 seemingly random letters,
and I have to call them and embarrass
myself by trying to pronounce it.
Lest not we forget that I went through
during the 'no new money, no tuition
increase, but you have to take in lots more
students or we won't get re-elected' NDP
heyday. But my cheap labs were nothing
compared to what 432 Legend™ Mss Jenn
had to go through. Pity the poor UBC
Genetics majors.
Is it really temptation if I'm just going to
do it anyways?
Students, you need to know how to deal
with TAs. The brashness of student behaviour astounds me. The 'No Whining' rule is
the first step, and should be punishable by
a small fine. When it gets past that, and we
have to start enforcing the 'No Crying', 'No
Bitching (Whining in the First Degree)' and
the 'No Telling the TA How to Run the
Course'... that's when corporal punishment appears as the best option.
You're here to learn stuff, right? Then
damn well do yer work and stop acting
like a hockey coach trying to sway the referee after a call is made, 'cuz it ain't gonna
work. I decide what's right and wrong, I
decide when papers are due. And, when
it's all done, I hit the Return button, and get
your mark. I've heard so many arguments
along the lines of 'But my mark is low
because I did badly, and I want it to be
higher' that I want to scream.
Yesterday, I went to see a local rock show.
Beforehand, we sat in my friend Barry's
apartment, and I saw what looked like a
term paper on the floor. 'Great, I'll get an
idea from here' I thought, as I picked it up.
But it gnawed at the back of my mind as I
read the first words: 'Barry's roommate
writes porn'. And - Oh My! So this is what
the first draft of erotic fiction is like. I
skimmed a few pages, then held an
impromptu reading of:
"She pounced on me hungrily, slamming
her rubber dildo into my hungry cavity."
Which sounds even worse when being
read aloud by a very deep-voiced man.
Well, would ya look at that.
Merry Anti-Christmas to all! And to all go
to hell.
The Pocket Tiger
Stephen Naphegyi
Keeping it in his pants
All right! It's that time again where school is about to end for the
winter, it's going to get really wet outside, and you won't get to
hear me bitch about something for a long time (I know, I'll miss
you all too). So, instead of my taking the usual route of mocking Arts students, teaching you all about hygiene, or complaining about UBC's random allotment of funds to ridiculous expenditures ("University Town",
underground bus loop, destroying War Gym to move it back by one foot),
I will share a piece of wisdom with you.
Today I'm going to teach you all how to make money. Busloads of money.
The key to getting rich is to have an idea that nobody's had before (or at
least stealing it before that person gets a chance to claim it as their own).
My idea is this: sell people small pets. Now I know some of you may be
thinking "People already have small pets" and "nobody's going to pay a
fortune for a hamster", but hear me out first. You may notice that wealthy
people often have small versions of actual animals. For example, rich old
women often have small poodles. Even though large poodles exist, these
old women want tiny ones that they can spoil and annoy others with.
Another common trend amongst the wealthy is to have exotic pets. No
poor person is going to have a back yard full of elephants or komodo
So my idea is this: combine exotic animals with small animals. We're all
scientists here, so let's use our powers for evil for once (or at least for ourselves). I suggest making small tigers that you can exploit upon the
unwary. Think about it, somebody cuts in your grocery line, and you sic
your Pocket Attack Tiger on them! They won't try that again soon! You can
even sell accessories for your miniature animals like: Pocket Attack Tiger
carrying cases, and Pocket Attack Tiger remote keyless entry key chains.
Everyone will want one, and you can charge buckets of money for them
because it's your idea. What about Briefcase Elk? Or Handbag Rhinoceros? The possibilities are endless!
So why should I tell you all my wonderful idea? Maybe it's because I'm
already making lots of money and want to pit my creations against those
of other dedicated God-players. Maybe I want to see which of you will try
to steal my idea first, and slap you down with my Wallet Electric Eel when
you're in line at the patent office. Guess you'll never know. But, you can
still order your Pocket Attack Tiger in time for Christmas by emailing me
at snaphegyi@hotmail.com. Have a good holiday, and don't cut in on my
Oh oh, put me down for a trouser mouse and three pocket snakes. I think I have
an idea.
The White Ribbon Campaign
Men working to end men's violence against women
In 1991, a handful of men in Canada decided to
speak out against men's violence against women.
Wearing a white ribbon became a man's personal
pledge to never commit, condone or remain silent
about an act of violence against a woman.
■ 4th Annual ■
I White RibbonPancakeBreakfast j
Join us to raise funds for programs that support survivors of
sexual assault and work to end men's violence against women.
NOV 27, 2003 (Thurs)
7:30-11:00 am
SUB Party Room
(2nd Floor Room 200)
$2 Min. Donation
Save our Environment - B.Y.0. plate, cutlery & mug
to be entered in a draw for prizes
For more information, please contact us at alliesatubc@yahoo.com
or visit the White Ribbon Campaign Web Site at www.whiteribbon.ca Page Six
25 November 2003
Numerical Obscuration:
Absolute Value And Increasing Loans
Absolute value: the modulus of a complex number,
equal to the square root of the sum of the squares
of the real and imaginary parts of the number.
Represented by I value I, absolute value is in simple terms
the difference between any number and zero, i.e. 1-51 =5.
Figure 1 may help for those readers failing to grasp the
-f 1     I     I     I
tice among all segments of society, from students in the
same position as the author to government bureaucrats
looking for a means to justify exceeding their department's
Figure 2 illustrates the case in point. We can clearly see
the author's financial assets increasing as his indebtedness
The author, having just spent $600 on the weekend (there
fore increasing his absolute assets by $600), will now walk
to the liquor store to celebrate his new-found wealth.
We don't actually condone this arbitrary and incorrect use of
mathematics. In fact, you'd probably be best off not following
this advice at all. You'd be much better off letting us deal with
your finances. Just bring all your money to The 432 's offices,
and we'll happily handle it for you. We'll handle it all the way
to the liquor store, in fact! -ed
Absolute value has many practical uses. For instance,
when calculating how much money is currently at your
disposal. As a case study, the author has chosen to use his
own current financial situation.
As of the beginning of November, the author has total
student and private loans totalling $24 000. The author
has $200 in his bank account and $23 in his wallet. These
two amounts are small enough to be considered insignificant, and are therefore ignored in this case study. Therefore the author's financial assets are -$24 000.
$24 000 does not appear out of nowhere. The banks and
government gave it away; therefore, someone else has it:
the author. Despite having spent the $24 000 frivolously
on night vision, a grappling hook, a year in Europe, and a
significant quantity of alcohol, the author is not missing
the money. The definition of missing is "to discover the
absence or omission of." The banks and government have
not yet discovered the absence or omission of this $24 000.
Since it is not missing, the author must still have it.
Therefore the $24 000 debt of the author in reality is an
absolute value. The author has I -$24 0001, which is $24
000. With this in mind, he has enough to pay for his
remaining two years of tuition as well as all related costs
and still have some left over. In fact, if he takes out further
loans he will increase his financial assets and have even
more money. Therefore, he will soon be able to purchase
his dream car - an original mini morris with red crushed
velvet interior - and pay for the insurance he wasn't going
to bother with.
Ln other words, if the author can convince the banks to
loan him $10 000 this year, he can spend it and after doing
so he will STILL have it to spend. A breakthrough in fiscal management!  This is likely to become standard prac-
Numerical Obscuration:
Absolute Value And Increasing Loans
Lessens injiscal management from a case study of a deht^ridden university student.
Copyright2903, Oris Anderson. Alt rigtris reserved
4 J    IUUI   MMM                                                                                                                                                             MM
At solute Value
1                          1
-3 000
Integer Value
-« UUV1
New for this holiday season...
!very child's favourite!
Science's News end Innovation Magazine
The 2004 Issue of the Paradigm is now
accepting submissions.
Our magazine is designed to inform and
enlighten Science Students at UBC.
If you have something to say, research to
present or information of interest to our
students, please send us your work!
Photographic, design and relevant
advertisement submissions are also
Deadline for all contributions is
January 31 st, 2004. 25 November 2003
Page Seven
Forecast For The Future
Chris Baitz
The Master, Of Course
With talk of the UBC Town project
working its way into speech. We
should think about what it will
be like after the original hype has been
died down. I mean how will the life on
campus be affected? What about the faculties themselves? Here is a picture of one
student's every day life:
Lmagine a setting where the UBC Town
has become a UBC slum. The sky above
West Vancouver has become grey. The tall
buildings around campus have become
stained with black from the buildings on
either side burning coal for heat. There are
few people walking around on the
grounds since people have had to hole up
in their dorms with small clusters of other
students for protection. Those students
brave enough, or heavily armed enough, to
walk around are the cause of the constant
drone of campus cowboy sirens screaming
in the background. Trees have ceased to
exist as they blocked the view from the
cardboard housing for the homeless and
the plant ops vehicles now outnumber the
squirrels. Stray dogs bark at nothing ...
and you get the picture.
Martha is still the president, only kept
alive by the Piper School of Biology, to
whom all tuition increases were sent for
the soul purpose of keeping her alive.
Unfortunately, the much needed funding,
grossly misappropriated, caused the new
buildings to be underfunded and UBC had
to cut costs wherever they could. Designs
for the buildings were sent in by everyone
and the plans that cost the least were put
into construction. Since the Engineers were
overcharging, the Arts students won the
bid and as a result, buildings are of poor
creation and have rooms which are not
proportionate and doors that don't close
correctly. Classrooms caved in and all faculties and major offices were forced into
one building. The Science Offices and
Many Engineering with Student Organization Building Integration, shortened to
SOMEBODI was the only building built
after 2050 left uncondemned.
So anyway, there is one young boy, willing
to stand up against his own safety, stand
against the raging campus cowboys and
barking stray dogs. This young boy, we'll
call him Steve, wanted to be a part of the
University life he had heard so much about
from his grandfather and read in books. He
decided to start out by writing an article
for a newspaper. So after writing it, he suited up and walked bravely out of his dorm.
He marched all the way out to SOMEBODI
his head held high holding his article
proudly to his side.
Once inside the building he walked up all
the flights of steps as he felt he should start
from the top and work his way down. The
elevator wasn't useful as it was designed
merely for aesthetic purposes instead of for
real purposes.
So anyway, Steve walked into the first
office and presented his article. Upon reading the woman inside threw the article
back at him and slammed the door in his
face. Since the door didn't close properly, it
only succeeded in making a loud noise and
caused the building to shift and creak
loudly. Steve got the same result from the
next office, and the next office, and the
next... Finally after going through all the
offices in the building and having the door
slammed in his face 58 times, Steve finally
reached the last office on the bottom floor,
and though the man behind the desk
inside the door laughed, he said no more
than "Rejected" and he too slammed the
door in Steve's face. Sullen and heart broken, Steve left to go back to locking himself
in his dorm room. On his way out the force
of the door closing was the last straw for
the building. Parts of the building started
crumbling, outside walls began falling and
windows breaking, and finally, one of the
big red letters, the letter "I", fell off of the
top. In his depressed state, Steve didn't
notice and was crushed by the "I". His article would never be published and UBC
would remain devoid of interest forever
So what have we learned from this story?
1. Tuition increases continue until Martha
Piper can afford to keep herself alive for
another 200 years. 2. Campus Cowboys
continue to think they have power, and are
mad that they don't. 3. Plant Ops reproduce out of control, but still are unable to
actually do any work since there are no
longer leaves to clean up. And 4. Your
mother was right when she said, "Steve,
put that thing away before SOMEBODI
loses an "I"."
About 69 percent of our
domestic beer is sold in bottles,
19 percent in cans and 12
percent draught.
Nationally, 97 percent of all
bottles and 86 percent of all cans
are returned.
BroutaM* +0 yO\J by yovr Beer Page Eight
25 November 2003
Small Penises Ruined The World
Kiran Bisra
Classic Freudian
Size does matter! Lisa has attempted
for months to convince me otherwise,
but come on-we all know better. I've
thought long and hard about this, wasting
many night's sleep tossing and turning,
attempting to come to some conclusion.
We always hear about how it doesn't matter what you have, but, seriously, it definitely does. It must. How could it not? If
not physically, at least psychologically.
Throughout history, men have tried to
over compensate by exemplifying the idea
of manhood through their possessions. Tm
not talking about necessary or even appropriate objects. We all know what Tm talking about. Those monstrous, over-sized,
flashy, and down right butt ugly things.
They are eye-catching (as in they catch
your eye and ram it into a sharp pole made
from a steel rod), pointless, and most of all
BIG! Why big? Simple: over compensation.
Do you ever wonder why so many men
decided to leave their homes and their
loved ones to travel in a senses pool of
filth, disease, uncertainty and death for
months at a time just to pick up a beaver
hat? Not only was the journey a game of
Russian roulette, but when they got here,
they had to fight off/kill mercilessly 50 million people. These men weren't going to let
anyone or anything stop them, not the
Natives, not their conscience, not even the
PETA people! These men came here with a
dream. That one day this nation will rise
up and live out the true meaning of being
a man. That one day, all white men and all
black men could walk hand in hand, wearing a beavers' you know what on their
heads, proudly shooting at furry, innocent,
helpless, little animals. Why you ask? Simple. It was those damn beaver tails. The
bigger the tail, the taller the man could
walk around in the locker room. Proudly
showing off the size of his... hat. Over compensation almost made beavers extinct, as
well as killing almost a whole race of people.
Bang! No, Tm not talking about what you
think I am. Tm talking about the closest
imitation to what men desire their little
member to be-a gun. Just look at its shape!
Come one, I know you see it. A gun
embodies everything men want, power,
control, a deadly payload. What was the
aim of its invention? To kill off all the men
with bigger penises-less competition. Over
the centuries, the gun has just gotten bigger and faster (which is probably why it
chokes, I mean jams up so often now).
Rifles, machine guns, nuclear warheads,
etc. When will it end! What was the deal
with the arms race? Don't let the other guy
build a bigger weapon. Why didn't some
one say, its not the size of the weapon, it
what you do with it? Why? Because men
know what will win the war - size. We are
sitting two steps away from a nuclear
apocalypse, which could potentially wipe
out all species known to man (including
man) just because a couple of guys couldn't get over their insecurity issues. If men,
from the beginning of time, had just agreed
that some things can be different but equal,
we would only have the ability to throw
rocks at our enemies, instead of atomic
Still not convinced? Just take a look outside your window at the road. How else do
you explain those "midget 18 wheelers on
crack"? There is no reason for a 45 year old
accountant from Surrey to drive a minyi-
monster truck to the local Super Shop to
pick up some milk on the way home from
work. SUVs were designed to be taken off
road. I agree, SUVs should be taken off the
road! These gas guzzlers are a hazard to
anyone driving a normal vehicle. You
never know when a "Firestone" tire is
going to blow up and flip a "Hummer"
onto your car. If you live at the bottom of a
mountain, and drive up the mountain,
through a forest, over a lake, and past wild
buffalo, then by all means get a SUV. But, if
not, then why do you need such an eye
soar to pick up your kids from hockey
practice-you are obviously trying to hide
something. But, don't soccer moms usually
drive those types of cars? Yes, yes they do.
Its because they are also trying to grow
some balls! Poor air quality (caused by car
pollution) kills people with asthma, kids,
and old people. I could list many other
environmental facts, but someone will just
find flaws in the science. However, I think
that we can all agree that anything black
going into the air we breathe is BAD shit.
Not to mention that half the world is trying
to kill us now for exploiting their oil. And
the other half is trying to suck the last drop
of oil by blowing the first half up. That's a
whole other rant. Over sized vehicles
require more gas. More gas used means
there is more shit in the air. Why do we
need over sized vehicles? Because the car
industry has made us think that a big car is
an obvious sign of manhood (or an obvious sign of a lack of manhood). Just look at
their slogans: "Start Something", "Built to
Outclass, Outrun and Outlast any Car on
the Road" (any car, or any man), and my
all time favorite "Like a Rock."
Men with small penises are ruining the
planet, but there is still hope. If you are a
male with a small penis, or even a female
with a small penis (must remain PC to
maintain fan base), then please, please,
stop trying to kill the rest of us. Appreciate
what you have. And if you can't, then I
hear that these days there's an operation
that can be performed.
It's the end of the world as we know it, and I
feel fine, -ed
Howard Choy
what, you want a description?
University of Calgary
Department of Neuroscience
National Graduate Studies
Competition 2004
We will be awarding trips to Calgary for
the top students interested in visiting the
Department of Neuroscience. Successful
applicants will be awarded an all-expense-
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Competition closes January 19, 2004
For information visit:
It has come to my attention that people who
make stupid remarks about deviance and hold-
em-ups are themselves in fact, musicians with
no future in the world of pop culture because
a boy w
encyclopedias that claim that Columbus was
not looking for a way to the East Indies, but
looking in fact, for his keys which he had lost in
a bottle years before while fishing on the northern shore of Italy back when Italy was run by a
ruthless king named Monte who was an Eng-
the comics that are published by the large firm
in the upper east side of New York where the
natives there are restless like the bees during
springtime looking for hunny and no I did not
mispell that, I actually mean hunny because
even bees need good loving sometimes sort of
like the dinosaurs of yore who became extinct
planet we call Earth, this wonderful planet that
we take advantage of, this horrible place that
feed off of the energy of the living like in the
Matrix where the humans are enslaved by the
robots in the future and are used as batteries so
they can live on since their main source of energy has been denied through a thick blanket of
on forever like a circle, you cannot find a beginning or an end, unless it was drawn right in
front of you, because then you can see where
the artist starts and the end point would be the
you were drawing a circ
wouid be a ditterent story because it begins as a
dot and you cannot say that it begins the
moment you click on the mouse because the dot
does not have a beginning or an end, it just is
like many things in the world or maybe like
nothing in the world because there are no
examples of what I am trying to express here or
There is no point to it all. Seriously. 25 November 2003
Page Nine
How To Keep Hot (And Bothered)
Jo Krack
W^      Toasty-Warm!
Hey everyone, how ya liking
November so far? Shitty, isn't it?
Thought so. And it's not just
because of the looming mountain of
papers, tests, labs, and assignments. If you
haven't already noticed, it's also COLD.
Damn cold. Jo does not like the cold. Coming from pampered Mediterranean stock,
she prefers hot sandy beaches (preferably
amply populated with hot sandy men).
The cold, on the other hand, does not suit
her constitution: it freezes her nose bright
red, renders her hands useless bricks of ice,
and forces her to refer to herself in the
third person.
So, Tm saving the sex toy column for
Valentine's (although sex toys make great
Christmas prezzies!) and instead I give
you: Krack's Tips For A Warm Winter.
Clothing. Never underestimate the
warmth of a good ol' bulky coat. Not one of
them little puffy my-lower-half-is-still-
freezing deals, but a full-length tent. Sure,
you may feel as if you've gained 20
pounds, but quit being so vain - no one's
able to scope you out like they do in the
summer, so most people give up. Besides,
warm bulky clothing will conceal a little
winter weight gain, so you can relax and
quit sucking in! Other beat-the-cold-into-
bloody-submission clothing items and
accessories include long underwear,
scarves, hats with earmuffs, electric blankets, leg warmers, and pocket-warming
hamsters (nice to stroke, but watch the
teeth - and don't go adopting any that were
"previously owned" by 432 staffers).
Nudity. OK, so you've decided that you're
vain and cheap and lazy and possibly
crazy, and you don't want to layer up for
winter like a big dork. And yet your
spring-and-summer wear is leaving you in
a constant state of shivering. Well, if you
want to disregard the warmth of appropriate clothing, you're going to have to go all
the way and cast off all your clothes!
Instead of shivering, your skin will quickly
become numb to the cold, and soon you
will be able to prance around campus as
naked (and blue!) as a jaybird, cheerily
exclaiming, "What wonderful weather
we're having! Did I mention Tm from
<insert name of any Canadian city other than
Vancouver>? It feels like summer here!" You
might want to watch out for hypothermia
and body parts falling off.
Exercise. I'm not talking about going to
the gym or anything like that. Tm talking
keep moving at all times. Ever notice how
when you're really late and run to class,
you get so hot that you end up sitting
through the lecture in a t-shirt while everyone else is keeping their coats on? Unfortunately, after sitting for an hour or so, you
cool down again and have to put that coat
back on and shiver like everyone else. But
if you could keep your body in constant
motion, you'd never be cold! After all - ever
seen a jogger wearing a parka? So run to
class, do jumping jacks in the back during
the lecture or lab, avoid elevators and run
up those stairs, and spin in place when
standing in line. You'll be hot, and you
might even get toned!
Line-ups. Anyone who went to the pub
crawl on Halloween learned this valuable
lesson: if you're wearing next to nothing in
below-freezing weather, you'll be much
warmer if you're in the middle of a group.
Body heat GOOD. So if you're feeling cold,
go huddle in the line for the 99 B-line! Or in
the conversation pit! Or in the midst of a
heated debate between the Pro-Life and
Pro-Choice factions! As long as you're surrounded by (live) bodies on at least two
sides, you're good. Caution: if you choose
to steal body heat at a political demonstra
tion and you're handed a placard, read it
before you wave it.
Food. I don't care if ice cream is the most
delicious culinary creation ever - it's got
the word "ice" in it, and it's cold, and thus is
not a winter food. Everything you eat in
the winter should be hot. Everything. Bring
the milk to a boil before pouring it over
your cereal! Nuke that PBJ sandwich!
Deep-fry that apple! Warm those carrot
sticks up by sticking them in your armpits
(or any other warm place you can think of)!
The only exception to this rule is alcohol:
you can drink it cold, because it warms you
from the inside.
Hot sex. Your sex life can't be lukewarm in
this chill season, guys and gals! It's your
duty to be as sexual as possible and to heat
up your fellow cold-sufferers. No one
wants to be around someone frigid in this
weather anyway! So share your seat in
class; fondle the person in front of you in
line; bonk a babe at a beer garden; spoon
with random sexy people in the conversation pit; copulate with a co-ed on the bus;
fornicate with a froshie in Main Library...
the opportunities are endless. For added
hotness, toss in some light bondage and a
liberal sprinkling of "adult novelty items."
It's time to add chocolate sprinkles to the
vanilla sex you've been having! This beat-
the-cold strategy kind of works on the
same principle as "exercise" (see above). It
works well in summer, too, actually.
Well, there you have it: six sure-fire ways
to conserve your precious body heat this
winter. Feel free to try each method out
and find the combination that works for
you! And as always, feel free to tell me all
about it at gimmekrack@hotmail.com!
Always wanted to see your design on a T shirt?
Well this is your chance to show off your talent,
The Science U
shirts, for sale as part of science week.  the logo
he words "science ubc", but
otherwise there s no restriction on the design!
Please submit all designs (either in floppy disk,
cd, or hardcopy letter sized paper) into patricia
Lau's mailbox, in LSK 202 (the SUS lounge).  Deadline
FOR   ENTRIES   IS   DECEMBER   5TH,   2003.      HAVE   FUN!
If    you    have    any
Reka     Pataky
It's Almost Like Timmy Has
Nothing Better To Do Than
Make Fun Of Things
Yeah! One of my aides heard
on CBC radio that "Blogs" are
really popular right now... but
they never really sakl what one
was... so...
So we got this thing! Pretty
sweet blog, eh?!? I guess it's like
one of those "Pokeymon"
things... The kids'll be sure to
vote for me now! Page Ten
25 November 2003
Consumption of Alcohol and Undulatory Theory:
Input, Output, and Nausea
Chris Anderson
A newly   released   study   suggests
there is a predictable pattern to
alcohol  consumption,  resembling
the pattern of electromagnetic waves.
This study, carried out by the non-AMS
Empty Bottles club at the University of
British Columbia, arrived at several important conclusions after lengthy investigation
of the effects of alcohol consumption
among three hundred UBC students. All
subjects signed a lawyer-approved agreement waiving all legal responsibilities on
the part of the research team.
The study measured the amount of alcohol (as % of volume) consumed by each
student subject in the laboratory, as well as
the time period over which this consumption was spread. The length of time was
measured from the start of consumption
and a number of set events were recorded
for each subject:
I - Point at which inhibitions are lowered
and subject begins to speak to random
strangers passing through the room.
II - Speech becomes noticeably slurred
and/or disordered.
EI - Point at which several embarrassed
closet methyphobes freak out and leave the
IV - Subject's balance became insufficient
to remain standing on one leg for ten seconds.
V - Hyperactivity takes hold of subject,
unable to remain immobile for more than
0.7 seconds.
VI - The subject first feels discomfort in his
or her stomach.
VII - A decrease in stomach discomfort as
subject downs another drink.
VIII - Subject's discomfort returns, resulting in a regurgative reaction.
IX - Subject enjoys a brief respite from profuse vomiting.
X - Subject loses consciousness.
The point at which adverse reactions
(excluding those of the methyphobes) subsided was also measured. The subject's
weight and genetic makeup were taken
into account in the study. All subjects were
instructed not to eat for a period of six
hours before arriving at the lab.
The lab procedure was a double-blind
experiment, with neither researchers nor
subjects knowing what was going on. A
placebo group of fifty Arts undergrads was
given mineral water and told it was an
odourless alcoholic beverage synthesized
by graduate students in the Organic Chemistry department. Three subjects in the
placebo group became visibly intoxicated,
one of whom was taken to Vancouver General Hospital to have his stomach pumped.
The study also included a survey to be
filled out by each subject describing past
experiences of alcohol consumption before
entering the consumption portion of the
experiment, in order to ensure that the outcomes of the experiments in the lab environment were consistent with those occurring in the natural drinking environment.
The research team found that the consumption of alcohol in large doses can
prove harmful to health among humans,
but admits that this finding is based on a
very small amount of evidence and is not
necessarily reliable. However, the team
says they have found a concrete relationship between input, output, and nausea
among the subjects.
According to their research they believe
that alcohol consumption follows a pattern
similar to that of light - undulating waves
in a medium. The wavelength (length of
time between peaks in good times or nausea attacks), gamma, decreases consistently as alcohol consumption increases, while
positive amplitude (severity of nauseous
feelings), A, increases. The increase in negative amplitude represents an increase in
good times. This translates into higher frequency and higher magnitude good times
as well as higher frequency and higher
magnitude nausea attacks, with the end
result being a significant increase in output
(stomach contents).
Consumption of Alcohol and Undulatory Theory: Input, Output, and Nausea
An original experimental analysis by Chris (Empty Bottle) Anderson
Copyright 2003, all rights reserved.
Fig. 1
Alcohol consumption
It's not toV. late!
1 memb
in isT:
2 me'mtti^rs at
1 me;f]
Re I a
■;eWber 27th
IJ in the
In bars!
AMS Happenings
Alan Warkentin
Andrew. Again.
Hello all you AMS Hacks!
Welcome to another exciting report on what your
council is doing for you! Past
meeting, we decided to bring a
referendum to you, the students,
on the AMS/GSS Health and Dental Plan. Starting November 15th
through November 21st (inclusive) you will get to decide
whether or not you wish to
increase the current plan from 187
to   240   dollars.   This   increase
would add vision care (glasses
and contacts), orthotics (foot
stuff), and paramedical services
(like massage therapists and psychologists for after the exam season). It also includes a "slush
fund" that would be help to prevent us from having to ask to
increase the fee again for a while.
If it passes, the new plan will
come into affect September 1st,
Council also passed a motion
calling o the University to make
sure that students are consulted
on further tuition increases and
that they enforce they mandate
each respective Dean ensures that
they address student needs and
The rest of council was mainly
housekeeping, what with electing
members to various committees
and such. There are still some
positions open on the Executive
Remunerations Committee, the
Commissioners Appointments
Committee, and the Assistants
Appointment Committee for students, so if you have been thinking about getting involved in the
AMS, here is a perfect opportunity. Please contact Dan Yokom
or myself
(atravis@interchange.ubc.ca) if
you are interested.
That's about it, tune in next time
for your next installment of student politics. 25 November 2003
Page Eleven
The Drawers of SUS
Dan Yokom
Science Student Social Space
On Friday, 7 November, 2003, Mr. Abdul
Tadha agreed to donate the remaining necessary funds needed to build a new Science
student social space at UBC. Mr. Tadha's
generous donation will be the foundation
on which we will be able to build a new
feeling of community in the Faculty of Science. We could not be happier with our
sponsor, Mr. Tadha, his accomplishments
embody business and social success. This
has been a long process and I would also
like to thank the Dean's Office for their
endless support, the Science Student Social
Space Steering (S5) Committee, and a huge
thank you to Mr. Terry Kellam, Senior
Development Officer for the Faculty of Science for making this possible.
With all the funds in place, this week we
received the second (of five) Board of Gov
ernor approvals.
This also means that we will be finalizing
the design of the space very shortly. To
have your input please check out our survey at www.sus.ubc.ca or email sus@inter-
Tuition Consultation
The time to have your voice heard is now.
Email sus@interchange.ubc.ca to voice
your concerns regarding needed improvements to the Faculty of Science. We will
compile your input into an official Science
students policy to take to the Dean of Science in late November.
New Dean of Science
The new Dean of the Faculty of Science,
Dr. John Hepburn, took over for Dean pro
tern, Dr. Lome Whitehead. The former
Head of Chemistry here at UBC, Dr. Hep-
burn has great vision for the Faculty and I
look forward to the many great things he     ^j IH 3    EO tt\
will do for Science students at this university.
Anna-Marie Bueno
Social Co-ordinator
So, last Friday's festivity, otherwise
known as Ethanol, was another success...at least in my humble opinion.
So, for this report I will simply give due
congratulations and thank-you's to the
wonderful people who have helped to
make this a success:
My committee members JC x 2, ML, AR,
RV (you are all just so awesome), councillors particularly JM and AR who are
ALWAYS ALWAYS there without fail, HL
who made great efforts in rearranging her
plans to be able to come, the SUS Exec
especially those who stayed and helped
Patricia Lau
VP External
Yay Science Week! Last week three
vice-chair characters for each of the
different sub-committees were elected. The vice-chairs take a leadership role
for the sub-committee they are responsible
for and save me from stressing myself to
death as Science Week approaches! Hear
that Mike Long (Planning), Neha Bangar
(Sponsorship) and Reka Pataky (Promotions)? Congratulations you three. If you
are still interested in helping out with Science Week we are always looking for new
Serena Siow
Yay a commercial break! : Serena can
happily write her exec report.
Although I'm sure it'll take more
than just this one. CSI is just too good to
miss! I love it, almost a weekly ritual,
watching it every since Thursday evening
with my lovely room-mates, applying the
knowledge we so painstakingly learnt in
biology and physiology classes to TV semi-
real-life situations. Another benefit to
studying science: having a deeper understanding of what goes on in CSI episodes!
Another exciting sustainability fact: Over
60 million kilograms of C02 were emitted
to produce the energy used in UBC's buildings. That's the equivalent of driving from
members. The meeting is at 5:00pm in LSK
202 every Thursday.
The Science Week Promotions committee
is holding a T-shirt design contest with the
top prize being not only having your logo
printed on the official T-shirts but also $50!
The only restriction is that the logo must
include the phrase "Science UBC" or "UBC
Science." Logos must be submitted to my
mailbox in LSK 202 (or under the door if it
is closed) or via email (to either
gina_eom@hotmail.com, or
repataky@interchange.ubc.ca) by Friday
Dec 5, 2003 at 4:32pm. Yay artistic people!
Good luck on your finals!
Vancouver to Halifax and back more than
20,000 times!
Onto SUS business...Appointments to
committees have been made during the
past two weeks. The code and policies
committee still has an open member-at-
large spot. If interested, or just want more
information, please email me at
shsiow@interchange.ubc.ca. We plan to
meet infrequently and debate most suggestions via online means (e-mails, or online
forums) so as to include all interested persons (as well as better accommodate our
busy lives!). Updates soon to come :
Until then, best of luck to everybody for
the final round of midterms. Enjoy the
fresh aroma of coffee at four-o-clock (in the
morning) when you're writing the last few
paragraphs for those papers. I know I will
: Later-
Lana Rupp
D. of Publications
Well I made it til the end of the
term. This will be the last issue of
the 432 for over a month and Til
miss the old girl., even though she does
tend to be a bitch. The spring will bring
with it some changes, so bear with us if the
paper doesn't appear in the right place at
the right time. Ah heck, if you're a regular
reader you've already realized that this
paper's publication is about as random as
the bloodspray pattern of a cat in an open
In recent publication news: Our last issue
was not printed due to communication difficulties between us and our printers. I
would like to apologize profusely to those
of you who's events did not get advertisement and to our beloved readers who
missed out on our material for over 4
The next issue of the 432 will be saved for
January. Check your email if you are
already on my mailing list as to dates and
writers meetings. If you are not on the432
mailing list and would like to be, send me
an email at either the432@hotmail.com or
The Paradigm is also in the works for
spring 2004. The Paradigm, for those of
you not familiar with SUS publications, is
Science's serious magazine. We are now
looking for submissions of all kinds
(including photography, scientific articles,
graphics, opinion and experience pieces).
If you are interested in helping with the
production and editing of this magazine
please contact me at lerupp@inter-
change.ubc.ca for more information. Experience is not necessary.
Lastly those interested in getting involved
with the running of this fair publication
and others are encouraged to send me an
email and to join my publications committee. There is one more open position for
any member of the faculty of science. This
is a good way to get involved, meet new
people, get free food and have some input
into Science publications.
Final Note: The dead pool submission
Deadline has now passed on.
VP Internal
After my first & fluffy report last
week, my second & serious one
will be a welcomed balance for
those who crave more substance, but don't
have the money to go out and buy it from
a dealer. Instead you can approach me
with a casual "yo wassup G? Wanna hook
me up?" Wait, Gabe's already doing that.
Or you can leave a voice message on my
answering machine and I guarantee it cannot be more bizarre than Joonathan's. Pooh
(there ya go). But I digress...
As the schoolyear unfolds and gains
momentum with its full rigor of academia,
there may be some concerns regarding
your qualityh of education. As chair of the
Academic Committee, I would like to hear
feedback from you on any aspect of your
undergraduate education, ranging from
course content to the quality of your lectures. Speaking of which, noticed how the
Yardstick's been quite outdated? There
may be something brandnew and exciting
on its way! Stay tuned for that.
So if you would like to reach the Academic Committee, please email me
(gina_eom@hotmail.com) or drop a note in
my mailbox in the SUS lounge. It's one of
out (despite being sick, PL), LR who saved
me from the sheer terror following the
news I received at the AMS Business office,
DY for sticking around till the end to make
sure everything was taken care of, SS who
always keeps me sane. Oh yeah and thanks
to SS, the AMS big shot, who showed up
(even if just for the last few minutes) and
even stayed later to take several hits for the
team...OKAY enough! Enough! This is getting to be a little too much like those thank-
yous that are written up in some rock star's
CD sleeve...I'm sure no rock-star. So I'll
cease. Basically, I just want to give big hugs
all around. To those that I missed, you
know I still appreciate what you've done.
the blue ones... very generic....
You can also join the Academic Committee, and take it a level higher by selecting &
handing out awards to students, as well as
teaching awards to instructors. Be on the
other end of the selection process - how
cool is that!
"Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful,
committed citizens can change the world;
indeed, it's the only thing that ever has."
-Margaret Mead
The First Year Committee is in full swing
and I'm incredibly lucky to be working
with such a bright and enthusiastic group.
We are currently planning out an evenw
thich will be part of Kiss the Pig (love you
Mariko!) Don't miss out on the most hilarious and entertaining charity event. A much
needed 50 minute break from your
midterm season induced stress.
Finally, a word from the Killam Teaching
Award Committee: Nominations are in
and I have sat in on some amazing lectures.
The selection process will go all year long
and I'm excited to get to meet so many fine
and capable instructors. The committee
was so pleased to see so many students
nominating their instructors.
I expect to see you all at Kiss the Pig, and
until then, keep warm and good luck with
your studies!
Alan Warkentin
D. of Finance
Good day all my fellow students.
Not that much is happening on the
finance side except for the fact that
we have doled out the first portion of the
Science Clubs funding. If your club didn't
have a member there to represent you,
please contact me ASAP or you will have
to wait till January before you see any
money. If you are wondering about Grad
rebates, they are also dealt with in January.
Besides that, nothing new is happening in
the foreseeable future.
On a more personal note, I just got back
from a road trip to Idaho. Spending 4 days
with 32 other guys in a 30 foot Winnebago
is an experience that should only be done
by those who are strong of heart (and weak
of smell). So yaa for me, I am extremely
tired and only hope I can recover quickly.
Kristin Lyons
Director of Sports
Hi All! Well, term one is winding
down-can you believe it!!! I hope
that you all have enjoyed your
term one leagues and are gearing up for
playoffs! It's already that time again to start
thinking about term 2 leagues and events.
The term two league deadlines are on Friday, January 9th and Monday, January 12th
so you want to start organizing your teams
now!! Registration for term two leagues
opened up on November 10th! There are
also some great events coming up early in
term two such as The Amazing Maze and
the Winterfest Team Challenge. Please visit
www.legacygames.ubc.ca or the SRC for
details and registration forms. As for how
science teams are doing... science has had
the most sports points on campus for the
past two years, but we are now in fourth
place behind Vanier, Totem and Engineering. A lot of this has to do with the fact that
many of our teams got disqualified from
leagues and events because they didn't
show up. Please know that if your team
can't show up for a game, you can call
intramurals up to three days in advance to
let them know your team won't be showing up and let them reschedule your game.
Please do this for next term so that we can
rack up those sports points and so that as
many of our teams can participate as possible. On a final note, watch out for the science rebate deadline coming up. It will be
on Friday, November 14th at 5pm. I need
your team rosters, receipts, and the name,
phone number and email address of the
person who I am to write the rebate to
handed into my mailbox in SUS! Good
luck in all your playoffs and get those term
two league teams organized!!! Page Twelve
25 November 2003
Situation Critical and Sarcastic
Andy Martin
4.5 Stars
he review. The ultimate in cultural
I have been doing a lot of reviewing lately.
From the uber-serious grading of my students' performance for my class, to the
somewhat meaningless speaking-intelli-
gently-at-a-yelling-convention of reviewing media on the internet.
Grading is fairly straightforward. The real
answers were decided before the student
ever put his pen to paper to write the
wrong answer. Of course, once in a while
the student has a miraculous stroke of stupidity and writes in an answer that could,
in some reach of the imagination, be true.
The answer in no way deserves to be right,
but it isn't really wrong either. This causes
a huge problem in grading, mainly, it
makes it last longer as I decide to calculate
half-marks of a 3.25 mark question, and
pray they won't complain.
Reviewing on the interweb is another
story. Most of my reviewing is done on
Garageband.com, a neat-o site that allows
independent artists to post their music and
get it reviewed. It sounded sweet until I
realized that I had to do reviews myself
before they'd let me be reviewed. So I had
to strap myself to a chair and listen to 30
songs not accepted by popular media, and
try to constructively criticize them.
Now comes the hard part. I tend to be a
very negative person, and a very thin slice
of music makes my 'kick ass' grade. From
the dive bars to the mega-corporate radio,
I only like about 1 in 50 bands I hear. And
the other 49 bands usually don't like hearing my reviews. So I have to catch myself
and lower my standards a little bit. Not
every band out there is the next Iron Maiden or Pale Horse.
The songs I have reviewed fall within a
large range of quality. Some bands were
good enough to be signed, and some bands
should take their guitars and beat themselves over their heads, because it would
make a sound more appealing to the masses. Often, I just stared at the keyboard,
because I couldn't think of anything to say.
I just felt like copy-pasting 'you sound like
a thousand other bands, give it up and go
to bed'.
The Garageband reviewing was fairly
high-brow stuff for the interweb. Then
came the bad thing. That bad thing was the
new MetallicA album, St.Anger. My expectations were already low, but I couldn't
believe what I heard coming out of my
speakers. It sounded like tin pans being
smacked against a cow, but without the
charm. I paced up and down my room,
thinking 'this is a travesty...I cannot allow
it to happen...hundreds of thousands of
people are going to buy this album, and I
sit here unmoving?...something must be
done!'. The initial campaign idea of sitting
in the Virgin Megastore's new release section with a megaphone and handgun
would seem a little overkill to those who
had not heard the album, so I did the 'sane'
thing and posted a review on
Amazon.com., thinking that it might have
some sort of impact.
Looking over the nearly 3000  reviews
posted on the album, so far, on Amazon, I
realize that my review was meaningless.
Both because it was only 1/3000 of the
opinion stated, but also because of the
range of opinions. Some people called it
the best thing they've ever heard, some
said it was the worst thing they've ever
heard. Some people said the first track was
the worst on the album, some said it was
the best. Just about every review was either
1 or 5 stars. And the people seem passionately dug in on their opinion.
Maybe everybody shapes their own reality in a different way. Like the whole 'this is
blue to me, but what if what is blue to me
appears as pink to another set of eyes, and
we just agree it's blue because that's what
we're taught from birth'...whoa.
But most likely, people, in general, just
happen to like different things. Any trip to
one of the millions of pointless forums on
the web will show you that. If you can
decipher the thick internet lingo (ever see a
person speaking 'street' using AOL Mes-
sanger shorthand? It isn't pretty), you can
see that just about anybody is passionate
about almost any artist. The number of
forum topics stating "[insert crappy band
name here] rulz!!!!!!!! Anyl who say [band]
suks don't no what their tlkin bout, cuz
[band] roolz!!!!!xoxo=;pxoxo" with numerous posts in the same vein of taste and
mental retardation, is staggering. And I
weep, because these people really exist
somewhere, and there is no government
program to exterminate them.
The interweb has sparked a new revolution where everybody thinks they can
sway world opinion. There is a burgeoning
number of personal sites that make my jaw
drop at the sheer stupidity contained
therein. These include self-centered web-
pages that preach the most fucked up,
whiny viewpoints (most often in bad poetry form), comics done in MacPaint with
zero redeeming qualities (but plenty of
irritating ones), and let's not forget the
god-lovers, the fan-pages, the camwhores,
the fetishes, the posers, the fanfiction writers, the cosplayers, and all the rest of the
immobile losers of the world. Blogs, I can
understand (mostly because I have one). I
live far away from most of my friends, and
it's nice to have a cheap venue to keep
them updated with my life, but I don't title
it 'my world, come and see what REALLY
happening, with special erotic Transformers fanfiction' and don't talk as if my made
up revelations will spark a mass uprising
against the invisible government that
won't let me keep ferrets in my house.
To put this in perspective, let us remember
the number one rule of media, politics, and
advertising: The general public, en masse,
are fucking morons. That individuals are
given any platform to voice their own
opinions is just inviting a cavalcade of stupidity and irritance.
One person can start a revolution, but that
person has to be smart. You can't just run
around chatrooms blathering 'this suks,
that rulz'. If you want your opinion to
reach a wider audience, you have to do
something smart that other people won't
do, that will make people listen to it.
Now make the intelligent choice and ask
your SoCo to get Pale Horse to play Cold
Fusion. Because it's the informed, and
smarter than those around you, thing to
Sinful Desires, UCS & BPP Presents.
temptation £
Hawaiian (Reach (Party @ Iconic C(u6     T
Sunday, December 21, '03
Tickets available from UCS and BPP November 24 - 28.2003
$8 members
$12 @ the door
Tonic Club
919 Granville
(604) 699-0469


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