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The 432 Nov 16, 1998

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Array VOLUME   12   ISSUE   05   •   11.16.98
Vatican Approves New
Form of Birth Control
Tiestisy, Newnher leth
A surprise announcement from the
Pope sent a Shockwave of mixed emotions through the religious community. In an effort to help control the blossoming world population, and after intensive
research and debating, the Catholic Church
has recognized sodomy as an acceptable
form of birth control.
This decision has been a long time coming
report many devout Catholics.
"Finally those of us that have been searching for a natural and reliable form of birth
control can rest assured, with a clear conscience, that any love is good love," said
one excited follower. "It didn't really sink
in until the German translation; once I
realized the full extent of the Pope's statement I lost track of the rest of his holiness' speech."
In the press packet that the Vatican
released with the announcement, Arch-
Bishop Leonardo de Silva, the Vatican's
press agent, stated the following. "The
Pontiff has been playing with the idea of
sanctioned sodomy for several years. Jean-
Paul is a gentle and caring man who sees the
problems that the world's burgeoning population is creating. As the population
increases past the carrying capacity of the globe, people starve, and hungry people
don't work well. If they can't work, they can't make money to contribute to the
church. This is clearly a very important issue."
Reaction to the announcement has been mixed. While most members of the cloth
have met the news with a mixture of surprise and relief, several women's groups have
expressed themselves as being "greatly distressed" by the announcement. "It does not
feel like taking a big dump." said Ms. Dworkin, co-organizer of the Take Back the
Night campaign. "Women are expected to fill so many roles: mother, sister, lover,
care-giver and now this." A protest march is being scheduled to
raise awareness.
When reminded of the tale of Sodom and Gommorah in which
bustling metropoli were leveled
The Pontif's
Behind Sodomy
All the way.
archbishop leonadro de Silva,
under fire, brimstone and raining sulfur
for the very acts the church was suggesting, Arch-Bishop de Silva noted that the events in question
happened over twenty-five hundred years ago and that values have changed. He also noted that the two cities had
never actually been shown to have existed. "For God's sake, it's a parable people!" shouted the angered father.
While it will be several years before full changes to catechism are instituted, young
Catholics are being encouraged to, follow the pope's advice as soon as possible. This
has caused some amount of dissent among the catholic faith. Local priest father Ted
O'Mally has stated his distaste with this arrangement. "We can't expect people to be
able to accept this drastic change without direct, one on one, instruction. Thankfully
I have foreseen the Pope's big announcement and we have been preparing our parishioners to be able to except the largeness of the Pope's news for several years. This kind
of thing can be very uncomfortable for all sides if not handled
Despite negative grumblngs
from a few uptight sects of
Catholisism, the news has been
very well recieved by the gay
"It's about time that the church
blessed our methods, if not our
choice of partners," lauded Pat
Lumm, the AMS's chief
spokesperson for the homosexual
community. "It makes me fell
really good to know that the
Pope condones any act of
sodomy that I would choose to
partake in."
The announcement gives many
men some small bit of retribution
after years of unsuccessful lobbying for the same cause.
"I've been telling my girlfriend
for months exactly what the Pope
just admitted," an individual
who would identify himself only
as Alex V. told us. "Finally we'll
truly be able to shine in the
Pope's eyes as good Christian followers."
Sty Duncan
Engineers Put the "Best"
Back into Bestiality
More than a dozen sheep that had been
missing from the Zoology Dept. were
found yesterday during a raid of the
Cheeze by members of Campus Security.
The Cowboys were investigating charges
of theft by the Engineers when they
stumbled upon the animals.
"Well, we had suspicions that the
Engineers were responsible for missing
chocolate pudding mix from the UBC
Food Services Bldg. and the theft of rectal
syringes from the BioMedical Bldg." said
Sgt. Plante of the UBC RCMP detachment. "All of sudden we hit this flock of
sheep. And let me tell ya, these were pretty emotionally distraught looking sheep."
When pressed for answers, Faculty of
Engineering spokesperson, Dilbert
Spencer, had this to say: "This is all stupid. I mean, we have no idea how those
damn sheep got in to the Cheeze. C'mon,
what could a bunch of socially-inept, sexually frustrated Engineers want with the
warm, yielding, indiscriminate flesh of a
nubile sheep? Er, gotta go..." Before elaborating, Dilbert bolted for a nearby washroom.
After being rounded and washed of beer
stains as well as those of unknown origin,
the sheep were returned to officials from
Zoology. However, not all was well,
"These sheep are suffering from posttraumatic stress disorder," disclosed
Sigmund McGarnigle, sheep psychiatrist.
"They're all walking awkwardly and are
rather gloomy. Well, except for Bruce
who has shaved off all his wool and has
taken to wearing leather hot pants. It's all
very bizarre. I haven't seen anything like
this since the Aberdeen Football Club lost
the FA Cup in '74".
Despite the potential criminal charges
facing the Engineers, there seemed to be
more pressing problems for the men in
red. A rash of "Hoof and Mouth Disease"
has swept through the Cheeze. How the
Engineers managed to acquire a disease
attributed to intimate anatomical parts of
a cow is anyone's guess. page two
Anarchists Anonymous
We live in a brave new world
full of cell phones, beer delivery service, and personal
masseuses who come to your house for
"discreet, sensual" massage.
I'd like to hit on the topic of mediocrity. It's all around us. It's the defining
word of democracy. When a politician
has to worry about being liked all the
time by everyone they get sucked to the
middle of the road. Considering how
stupid most people are, the middle of
the road is not necessarily the best
place;ace to be. Granted, stability is a
nice place to live, but it sure gets boring
sometimes. The problem is what other
systems are out there for us?
Communism. Sure great idea, very
stoic and altruistic and all that crap. It
would be great if everybody lived for
the greater good of man kind. Luckily
the Russians have tried it out for us. I
think a forty year study is ample proof
that communism leaves way too much
room for corruption among the massive
beauracracy. Not that Democracy doesn't leave room for corruption, it's just a
little harder to hide with a free press.
People are inherently going to be
greedy. At least in a Democracy it
makes for good T.V.
Fascism. Say what you want about the
moral implications, it's certainly an efficient way of dealing with a large state.
Not really my cup of tea though. The
problem I have with fascism is it doesn't let people from lower class backgrounds move to the higher levels of
society. Talk about getting stuck with
the mediocre. While this may be a good
way to maintain power for a small
group, it's just no good for the long
term sustainability of government.
There is the fact that it's pure evil, but
that's no skin off my ass.
Democracy of the elite. I really like this
plan. Hey worked for the Greeks, and
any society where a man can make a
decent living standing around eating
olives, drinking wine and philosiphis-
ing all day is okay in my books, not
that I've written any books, but if I had
the greeks would certainly be among
the charachters with which I could
relate. Again it has the problem of not
allowing individuals of exceptional
quality from lower classes to move up
the social ladder. But hey, no yuppies.
Monarchy. I think Tom Petty said it
best when he said "It's good to be King"
But what if you're not the King. What if
you're the king's concubine, allways
worrying about getting pregnant, or
decapitated, or killed by vivisection
because you were on the rag. What if
you were the king's personal chamber
pot bearer and you sneazed while disposing of the king's morning movement spilling it all over his highness's
robe. Do you think you'd get a stiff
warning? Maybe a black mark on your
permanent record? Not likely, but it
might be neat to look up at your
twitching corpse in that 2 seconds after
your head gets chopped off before you
lose consciousness.
Principalities and City States. One
thing you can say about city states, is
they can sure pump out the culture.
Look at Venice in the 1400's. Where in
the democratic world can you find such
a den of minds? The only problem is a
principality is inherently unstable. He
who has most swords, wins.
Anarchy. Granted I won't be able to get
the masseuse to bring beer to my
mountain top fortress by calling her
with my trusty shoe phone, but at least
I won't have to deal with the denizens
of democracy, the Mr. and Mrs. Moron
Mediocre, the Crusading Christians,
Shopping Channels, Child proof
lighters, any "for dummies" book, Z956,
or John Grisham.
Granted there may be a few problems,
like defence. Picking a site for my compound will be very important. Not only
does it need to provide for clean lines
of site, but must also be comfortable
and homey. Then there's the issue of
food. But I guess I could grow carrots
and raise sheep. Hey that also solves the
problem of clothing. It may take a
while to get used to the wool underwear.
I'll just have to remember my mothballs.
Navel Gazing
So it's early Monday morning and I
wander into the undergrad office.
Hard at work on the paper are my
editor, Craig, and fellow co-conspirator
Andy Martin. Am I greeted by a cheery
"Good morning Master Garcia, without
whom this hallowed and long-respected
organ (by which we mean the 432, and
not some other more visceral and less
polite interpretation of the world) would
lose not only acertain sense of grace and
elan, but also what little measure of
gravitas and perspective it has left"?
Indeed not. Instead, I am hailed by
"Where's yer bloody article, you god
damned rat-bastard?"
This brings to mind the comments of
editor emeritus Jer Thorp. Perusing the
most recent issue of the paper whilst sipping a zesty Mission Hill vintage, he
caught my attention and asked me "Jay,
I see you've got the back page these days.
Take a look at your article. What do you
"Hmm," I said critically. "You're right.
Booker prize material all the way."
After evading the indignant sputtering
spray of aforementioned Mission Hill
vintage (on a collision course with my
suit, which would have resulted in a
hefty, if not heart-stopping dry cleaning
bill), Jer regained enough composure to
exclaim "Nay, base fool! I see this back
page and am filled with visions of you
closely examining your navel again!
Why is it that every damn autumn you
seem compelled to write about your bitterness regarding relationship and
scholastic issues?"
Upon further reflection, I've decided
that, inebriated as he was, his judgement
in all things 432-related was, as ever,
intact. (Were it that the current editor
were similarly equipped on such matters, then us 432 staffers wouldn't have
to dodge the numerous bricks thrown at
us through the remaining windows of
SUS). To this end, I've decided "to
enchant and enlighten you, my most
valued readers, with amusing rants and
observations about everything but relationships and school.
Dental surgery. Two words capable of
inspiring more fear and bladder weakness than the sight of a naked John
Hallet charging full tilt in your direction.
So roughly about two Fridays ago I was
scheduled to go in and have all four wisdom teeth removed. Having been lulled
into a sense of dazed complacence by
the enforced pre-surgery fast, the imminent prospect of having large instruments shoved forcefully into my mouth
didn't even faze me. I was sitting on the
chair, staring at a beautiful blue sky,
thinking about how great it would be if I
could get me one of these chairs for personal home use when my oral surgeon
wandered in, the anaesthesiologist tagging along behind. You know what I said
about the terror-inducing capacity of the
prospect of dental surgery? The fear
doesn't really hit home until you hear
the latex gloves snap on. On the upside,
there's that pleasant fiery burning feeling that spreads upwards and outwards
as the anaesthetic works its way into
your system. Almost as much fun as
mainlining a couple of cc's of Jack
Daniels, complete with the induced
blackout at the end of it, though somewhat lacking in the alcoholic-beverage
glamour of beautiful, scantilly-clad girls
gamboling in my general environment.
The only problem was that the first dose
of anaesthetic didn't quite seem to do it.
"You should feel a burning feeling when
I first inject it" said my oral surgeon.
"What burning feeling?" was my cogent
"Umm, nurse" he said, turning to face
my anaesthesiologist, "we have to up the
"I still don't feel it. When's it gonna...."
at which point, I blacked out. Or at least
achieved some semblance of unconciousness. Strangely, I kept hearing the
procedure occurring around me. Drill
noises and hideous cracking sounds
managed to filter through my drug-
induced haze. Certain words came
through, too, somewhat disturbing ones
like "chisel" and "bone saw".
After the anaesthetic wore off, I was
handed my newly-extracted teeth in a
paper cup (which, upon inspection
sometime the following day revealed
that the lower two had been sheared in
half. Lengthwise. So that's what the chisel was for...)
Oddly, the recuperation process that
followed immediately afterward was significantly more tedious and infinately
less enjoyable than the actual surgery.
Not only was I experiencing a bad case
of localized facial numbness, but the
gauze pads stuffed in the sockets of my
gums were beginning to take on a peculiar taste, sort of like an amalgamation of
rotting metal and leftover pizza dunked
in five-day old dipping sauce, with about
much the same consistency.
When you're recovering in bed, with
icepacks stuck to your lower jaw, there
isn't a helluva lot to do but watch television or sleep. And given the fact that I'd
just spent a troubling hour drifting in
and out of conciousness, television
seemed like the lesser of two evils.
However, television when you're woozy
with blood loss and on industrial-
strength painkillers takes on a strange,
psychotic quality, and there's only so
much Jerry Springer a guy can take
before the overpowering urge to leap out
of bed and projectile-vomit bloody sputum takes over and overrides your normal, decent, non-kitten eating self.
If you're ever stuck in recuperative situation, I highly advocate that you not
rent cheesy 70's-80's schlock Sci-Fi, like,
say, Battlestar Galactica or V. While not
as aggravating as daytime TV, schlock S-
F has the peculiar quality of numbing
your senses while inflaming your brain.
You know it's bad when you start hallucinating that your bloody gauze pads are
talking to you.
When it comes down to it though, this
experience has taught me two things.
First, having unpleasant things happen
to you is good for the creative process.
Second, I now have an answer to the age
old question: "What's worse than a kick
in the ass?"
Volume 12 Issue 5
16 NOVEMBER 1998
© 1998 Hie Science Undergraduate
Society of UBC. All rights reserved.  (
The 432 is the official newspaper of the|
Science Undergraduate Society, published]
fortnightly by the Concerned Students)
Against Weevul Oppression. 1: backsides]
2: boys 3: sodomy 4:fucking 5; wankers 6:i
Fuck 7: boys 8: sodomy 9: Man-Boy 10:|
fuck 11: fuck. I
All opinions expressed herein are strictly
those of the individual writers and not
those of The 432 or the Science Undergrad
Writers and cartoonists from all faculties
are encouraged to submit material to The
The 432 is copyrighted by The Science
Undergraduate Society of UBC and may
not be reproduced in whole or in part
without express written consent.
Grata tanpte
drtemple @ interchg.ubc.ca
51 itsfuilofstars@penis.com
Assistant Editor
Jalfgiraf  .
Jake McMirtaif
P. Mytes Mdtanli
Jtmiy lartti
Colin USenttott
D. Myles icHtigl
Sreiosini laxtgr*
sob Ra
Jolm Founder
Sara Stan
Jaieepai     jaysawas    larae Hanabtaen 11.16.98
page three
He Got the Idea from the 432
Bob Reid      —
As I near my 20th birthday, I have
come to the conclusion that there
are just some things in life that I
will never be able to do. I'm not bitter,
nooooooooo, that would be childish, I
just wish that all the things I can't do
will never be done by anyone else, ever.
I can't moonwalk. No matter how hard
I try, I can't make myself look like I'm
walking forwards when I'm actually
walking backwards. Instead, I look like a
fucking uncoordinated sack of shit
doing what appears to be the line dancing version of the macarena. And if that
freak Michael Jackson can do it, one
would think that a perfectly normal,
well, fairly normal chap like myself
would have no trouble doing it. Nope.
I can't magically learn an entire math
course in 5 hours. "Oh, don't worry, I've
got plenty of time, what's one more
viewing of 'the Best of Saved by the Bell'
gonna hurt. I mean how hard can math
be, and I did go to class... a couple of
times. O.K., once, but I managed to stay
awake through most of it." Then, when
the 5 hour barrier hits, I wish more than
anything in life, including being able to
moonwalk, that I had been a diligent
student. Now, don't get me wrong, at
this point I don't throw in the towel. I
put in the most intense 3 hours of studying this world has ever seen, give or take
a foosball game her and a foosball game
there, then I throw in the towel. If only
I could time travel.
And that brings me to my next point.
I can't time travel. I realize that I don't
have the advanced knowledge of quan
tum nuclear physics it takes to build a
"time machine", but for those of you
who do, and you know who you are, I
don't think it's too fair that you get to
run amuck through the fabric of space-
time while I pick my nose and count the
mirrors on my disco ball. And enough
with your little, immature pranks. Like
that one time I invited a bunch of people into my room for some drinks, and
what falls out of my closet? Yep, a blowup doll. Real mature, real mature, making it look like I would be the type of
guy to own a blow-up doll, when clearly
I'm not. I hope all of you time-traveling
freaks get trapped in the dark ages where
you have to live a life without crack.
But hey, let's not dwell on the negative,
because there are a lot of things in life
that I can do that other people can't. I'll
have you know that in all of my grade
12 class, I was the only
one who could snort
chalk while standing
on their head. Huh,
Huh! Pretty
impressed? And no
less than two weeks
ago I was the only one
who got a negative
mark on the math
midterm. Let's see you
do that sucker - Oh,
god, who am I kidding,
I mean, really, I can't
believe I've lasted this
long without spackling
the wall with chunks
of my brain. I can't
write anymore.
Miss Jenn is away in
Toronto reveling in
her newfound sexual
look for her return in the
next issue where she will
delight us all with tales of
her exploits in the town
which is the home of the
largest phalic object on
Water you can
actually driirft
Canadian Springs Water
avoidable in the
Science Undergraduate Society
Office (Chemistry Br60)
Why pay anything?
It's FREE"!
caudex novaeulum
««ff-&i m'mmwim*
I think I had a thought. A thinker must have thoughts. Thoughts without a thinker
really aren't thoughts at all. Whatever happens to thoughts that nobody thinks?
Once a thought is thought, is it a thought forever or only while it is being thought?
Thought a think.  Got a thought.
Thinking generates thoughts; thoughts generate more thinking. It's a vicious cycle.
Think no more. Think UBC. Thought UBC. Now thinking Bzzr garden. I think I'd
better think it out again.
...several hours later...
A full galss is better than a half-full glass. A full pitcher is better than a half-empty
glass. Broken glass is sharp. Ice is cold. Iced glass. Glassy ice. Things aren't
always as they appear.  A wise person must be discerning.
...several more hours...
Complex algorithm of life:
[rS.U)>(GJ)]v[(N V(L.M))>(LC)]
No heavy metals
Low urine concentration
No parasites
S — sleeping
~ — not
U — urgent need to pee
. — and
G — get up
v — or
F — fewer than 12 steps to bathroom
> — if/then
N — numerous steps to bathroom
L — lightly sleeping
M — mild urge to pee
I — ignore
C — continue sleeping
(must acknowlegde philosophizing roommate, Arezoo, who assisted with
"complex algorithm of life")
/ think that Merrilee forgot one crucial variable. I will name it P for the platypus factor, -ed &3&^&>w&msm<vm&
page four
First You Need the Applicator
Being op Science council is damn
fun. First off, we get to sit at that
funky table in council chambers.
Second, I get to hear the cool stuff, like
an unnamed councilor introducing a
motion to get $5000 to go to Sweden.
That's one of the bonuses about being in
the "know", as it were. I should point
out, much to everyone disappointment,
he will not be going to Sweden this year.
You have all been on the understanding
side of the In-joke, Sorneone says something silly like "foot-long hot dog", and
half the people burst out laughing while
the other half star^ edging away from
them. The in-joke is a time honoured
custom among human societies. Back in
the stone age, after Drog accidentally
threw his spear into a tree, Thug painted
a picture of a caveman (looking suspiciously like Drog) killing the evil tree of
death on his walL Needless to say, Drog
was upset, but the rest of the cave had a
good laugh.
At work this summer, at times there
were breakdowns in. the communication
food chain. So, a phrase popped up. If we
knew what was going on, we were in the
"loop". If not, we, were in the "knot".
You know, [as in a noose. Granted, not
the most high-brow of jokes, but it was
fun. Surprisingly,, it lasted a long time
too. Most in-jokes get worn out soon.
Although, no one around here has worn
out the "he's on crack" yet. How long
has that one lasted? Far too long.
One other thing that can drag an in-
joke past its prime is when something
reinforces it. For example, a friend and I
were looking through a joke book last
summer, and it was saying that too
much sex can be habit forming. That's a
no brainer. So suddenly, we were saying
things like "air can be habit forming"
and equally silly things. It would all
have come to naught, but then we went
to a concert where the singer was saying
"You're getting to be a habit with me". It
added weight to a joke what should have
been buried. We still use it.
Commonality is a major thing in these
jokes. It's easier to laugh about the mating habits of hermaphroditic nematodes
if you actually know what a nematode is.
The same thing goes for math jokes
(which I do not understand, maybe
because math and I are locked in eternal
conflict) and all that. It's where your
interests lie. Most jokes about crack
whores and beer-hangovers get a few
laughs around the office. Kinda like, "A
priest, a nun and a crackwhore walk into
a bar..."
Much as I would like to continue further on this topic, I'm fresh out of ideas.
So, to appease Craig, I'll try to find a different topic to discuss. How about relationships? Every person who is reading
this paper, or using it as a rain-hat, or
Dead Pool Update
Big news this week is the unexpected demise of Ted Hughes. Who the
hell is Ted Hughes you say? Well let
me inform you.
Ted Hughes was a british poet. Nobody
really cares about his poetry. He was no
Keats, Robbie "Dick" Burns or E. E.
Cummings, but this guy was a serious
ladies man. This guy gave Wilt
Chamberlain lessons. This guy's pants
were a temple to masculinity.
If you haven't got a list in yet forget it.
You're too late. So screw off. Read something else you bunch of numbnuts.
No change in the rankings as Ted
Hughes failed to make onto anybodies
list. We still have Leon Jang way out in
the lead with two confirmed deaths. Our
own Miss Jenn Gardy and Duncan
mcHugh are running a close second.
Watch Out Leon!
On that note I'd like to remind all those
participating in the dead pool that you
are not permitted to kill anyone appearing on your dead pool list. And don't
think you'll be able to get away with it.
The 432's crack team of detective's know
all the tricks.
You could ship you're cell phone to
Toronto, have a friend make some calls
while you're off hacking and slashing
your victim. Then when the cops come
you show them you're cell phone bill
showing you were in Toronto at the time
of the murder. But if someone on your
list kicks it of less than natural causes
you better have a boarding pass from
your flight, a Picture of you in front of
the CN Tower, and a Maple Leafs Jersey
signed by Tie Domi when the 432 shows
If a member of you're list is "accidentil-
ly" handed a glass of concentrated Nitric
Acid when he asks for a glass of water
from his new assisstant which happens
to be you, a point will not be awarded.
If someone on you're list dies because of
massive radiation poisoning and it is discovered that two and a half kilos of
Cobalt-60 are missing from you're
physics lab, a point will not be awarded.
If Johnny Cash really does go down in a
"Burning Ring of Fire" started by youself,
a point will not be awarded.
Under no circumstances will points be
awarded for victims of Swiss Air Flight
111 if it is found that any of it's luggage
originated from U.B.C.
While gifts of Vodka to Boris Yeltsin, or
acid to Ozzy Osborne will be overlooked, strychnine laced heroin sent to
John Frusciante will not generate more
So keep your eyes on the obituaries and
your hands off the trigger.
Colon Cancer
is Not Funny
burning it to keep warm, has had a relationship at one time in his or her life.
Yes, even those one night stands are considered! relationships. Short term ones, as
Jay pointed out last time, but relationships none the less. In my social psych
class (Yes, I do have to drag my midterm
related knowledge into this: deal with it)
we found out that there are 5 stages in
1) Attraction: As obvious as this sounds,
you ao have to be attracted to someone
to have a relationship. What you like
about the person is up to your own
unique likes, such as their hair, or their
beer-guzzling ability. Whatever your
wacky tastes.
2) Dating: The getting to know you
stage. Hopefully, you will want to get to
know the other person before you find
yourself waking up in their bed. Or your
bed, whatever. It helps to know that the
person isn't a serial stalker before you get
too deeply involved, either. This is the
most disgusting stage to outside
observers. The lovey-dovey stage, the
hand holding, the snuggles. Gag me
with an umbrella. Anyone who is slightly bitter will pounce on this stage with
sarcasm, never the likes of which you
h^ve seen before.
3) Reality Strikes: Oh my god, you're
dating a real person! All those cute little
things? Yqu now find them very damn
annoying. That cute little giggle now
sounds like fingernails on a"chalk board.
For continuation of the relationship, the
good qualities must outweigh the bad. If
so, proceed to step 4. If not, skip to step
4) Shit happen:. Maybe the neglect steps
in. Maybe jealousy. Maybe the dreaded
"Ex" returns and wreaks havoc.
Whatever happens, you either deal with
it, and work past it, thereby solidifying
the relationship, or...
5) Crash and Burn: The most interesting
stage in the relationship for outsiders.
They (to be honest, I should say We) get
to watch the revenge mode set in. All the
gory gossip gets, vented, friends must
take sides, and hilarity ensues. There is
all that heartache and crying and
screaming, but hey. This way you can
proceed onto step 6, not mentioned in
the literature. 6) Rebound relationship:
The one thing to lift your spirits. Some
sex on the side (not necessarily with you
on your side), getting back at the total
moron who dumped you, and everything is as right as rain on a cold
Vancouver winter Monday.
Sure, it's easy to write about it, but try
living through it. Bites. And all that well
meaning advice that your friends give
really, really does not help. So if someone you know is involved, tell them
what they want to hear and, let peace
Ok, this is as much as I can write without letting any bitterness seep into my
tone. Peace all, and let your mind drift
onto more pleasant things like sleep and
baggage-free sex. Whatever.
Class Act
Graduating Class Gift Campaign
We are looking for enthusiatic
graduating students looking
to help out with canvassing
graduating students for
donations. Monies raised will
go towards a gift to be
donated back to our faculty.
We also need ideas for
potential gifts which as a
graduating class we can give
back to the school.
If you are interested in getting
some volunteer hours or have
good ideas for gifts please
CD 11.16.98
e rive
Proposed Calendar Amendments
-C^ Kgisipap afSem*      __J)	
Easy Arts Credits
Anthropology 140 — "This course will
consist of 3 one hour lectures a week..."
which nobody will attend "...The mark
will be based on 2 midterms and one
final, all multiple choice" Please read -
one night cram- here. Ask someone
what they thought of this course and
they'll probably tell you that they couldn't say since they didn't go to class. Of
course they still got 82%.
Film Studies 230 — Remember when
your parents told you that you were
never going to get a job by sitting on
your ass in front of the TV all day? Well
they were right. You can, however, get
three easy credits from it.
Fine    Arts    289,    Photography   —
Whenever you watch an old sitcom (eg.
'Growing Pains') and the slacker son
wants to take a mickey mouse course
what does he take. Inevitably it's always
photography. Anybody can operate a
camera, and in an introductory course
what else is there? A grea^t course for free
credits and chance to update your
pornography collection, really baby I'm
a professional photographer.
Psychology 100 — "The marking
scheme in this course varies between the
professors, but for the most part it is
dependent upon..." how many elec-
troshock experiments you 'volunteer'
for, and whether or not you can sign
your name to a scantron card.
Urban Studies 200, Cities — "An
introduction to urban settings...will
include field trips" Right on! Granville
Island Brewery here we come. This class
has got to be a front for some organized
drinking club set up by some engineer
who has been here working on his bachelors, for so long that he knows somebody in the Registers office. I mean field
trips, come on that's a sight seeing
course. Three credits of sight seeing to
be exact.
Easy Science Credits
App Sci 151 — For all intents and purposes this course is only for 'geers', but if
you wear a red jacket and pretend to be
hung-over (or drunk) they won't know
the difference. Essentially you'll get
credit for drawing things. Great for
those people who can draw a straight
line, which excludes me, and want credit for it.
Comp Sci 100 — "An introductory
course which will focus on teaching you
how..." to check your e-mail without
physically hurting yourself. Marks are
awarded based on how long you stay
awake (or appear to) in class. Warning
not intended for students who easily fall
into a comatose state.
EOS 100, Introduction to Planet
Earth — Sounds great you spend three
Where's My Rifle?
Merrilee Hughes
,: 0M-miail8 post isjffsf§§
From the top of my tower, I look out
the window and survey the little
world of academia called UBC. I've
reached a few conclusions about life in
general based on this long distance people watching.
1. Individual human beings are of less
and less consequence the farther you are
away from them. You all really look like
a bunch of little bugs scrambling about
aimlessly. Which is great, 'cause when
one of you little buggers begins to be of
too much consequence I can just crawl
back into my tower hide-away and
everyone regains their bug status.
2. Car alarms are an evil invention. In
case anyone had any doubt as to our
atmosphere's ability as a medium for
sound propagation (particularly car
alarm frequencies) I can hear alarms
rather too distinctly at 2:00 am in spite
of my multiple storied distance from the
neighbouring parkade. Does anyone
actually believe car alarms discourage
car theft, ransacking, general pillaging
and plundering, battering, etc., etc.? I
walked past a man using a coat hanger
to break into a car with its alarm going
once. Do you think anyone was stopping him? No. Everyone assumes he
locked his keys in the car. Besides, what
are you going to say, "Are you sure that
that's your car?"
3. It doesn't matter how high up you
are - it's difficult to get above the clouds
in Vancouver. Yes, it is just as wet from
my exalted vantage point as it is on the
ground. There are some things in life
that are simply inescapable ( although
escaping to Fiji or some equally exotic
location would probably do the trick in
this instance).
4. It's fun to spit on unsuspecting people walking beneath my window. No, I
don't really hork out my window but it
has certainly got its juvenile appeal.
hours a week (okay so you'd probably
only show up for the first and last class)
in class and three hours a week in labs.
Just to be 'introduced' to the planet
earth. If you want the course in a nutshell place your face in some mud and
have somebody step on your head. Of
course if you're just looking for some
easy credits feel free to take the course.
Food Science 258, Exploring Our Food
— "This course is intended primarily
for non-food science majors" no shit.
I've never known anyone in this course
or anything about it, but anything entitled exploring our food has to be a cake-
walk. Great course to take if you missed
home econ. in high school.
Geography 100 — An interesting
course which teaches you how to identify that cold hard thing on the side of the
road as a rock and not a beer bottle.
Great for people who actually give a rats
ass what that lump over there is. Or for
those people who have mistakenly bit a
rock thinking it was food.
Biology 120 (Lab) — We have like a
gazillion students registered in this
course. So according to UBC policy we
will assign you marks (in a fair and
appropriate fashion of course) in order
to get a 'proper' bell curve. Okay here
we go: "Everyone whose last name starts
with Aaab to everyone whose last name
starts with Zzzy gets 75%. A. Aaaaky (its
Greek)     you     get      100%. Z.
Zzzzaurpherumph (its totally made up)
you get 50%."
English 121 — If you are in Science,
why are you taking honours English?
Do you really think the medicine department will care that you took 121 rather
than 112? And somehow I doubt you'll
find the "Theories of literary criticism"
terribly enthralling. If you are an honors
English student, can I get fries with
Any second year physics — "The purpose of this course..." is not important.
Allow me to clue you in. The only reason everyone is so happy to finish first
year science and move onto 2nd year is
because they never have to take physics
again. Trust me on this one.
Romance Studies 478 — Perfect a
study of 'romance'. "Your mark will be
determined..." by your 'performance' on
the final exam, which should last
around 15 minutes. The TA's for this
course can be found on East Hastings,
and will be happy to help you practice
for the exam for a small fee.
I hope these descriptions are of some
assistance when you're looking for that
particular course that you can sleep
through and still do well in. If any of
you dipshits have complaints or problems with this article please keep them
to yourself because no-one wants to listen to you.
Absolutely no talent
required. Guaranteed.
•Win fame and fortune
•Snag free be«f
•Smite the unworthy f
•Dodge death threat:
Send all submissions to the432@penisjlom
or itsfullofstars@penis.corir%      ;    &'k
Now, the Serious Stuff
On the suggestion of our new Dean, Dr.
Kalwe, we will be attempting to add a
touch of class to the 432 with a rare hint
of seriousness.
I'm going to talk about a subject that
may escape some of you: Remembrance
Last year, I was horrified by the complete lack of poppies on campus. I could
swear less than 1 percent of the student
population was carrying one when the
sacred day came along. Except the day
really isn't that sacred anymore, is it?
Stores are open on Remembrance Day.
Heck, people even work through the
11:1 lam minute of silence.
I can accept days like Christmas,
Thanksgiving and Easter going downhill
on the sacred list. Not everybody celebrates them anymore. They're voluntary
holidays anyway. Holidays that have
been made popular in our country.
But how do we have our country? I
mean really? Through all the threats to
our wellbeing, we have had people that
went through absolute hell to keep this
country for us. The most devastating
examples being the World Wars, but
there are countless others.
And now, 80 years after the Great War,
we don't seem to really give much of a
damn anymore. Why is that? Why do
we sleep in on Remembrance Day? Why
do we spend it down at the coffee shop,
and catching up on class reading?
Do we just not care? Do we have better
things to do? If we can't see it, does it
People are forgetting. I don't want to
admit it, and neither do you. I have
never experienced war. None of my
friends have had their lives cut short by
a bullet in a land I've never seen. The
pictures and movies have shown me
more than I need in my lifetime.
I especially remember watching 'Saving
Private Ryan' this summer, and hearing
the people beside me laughing during
the D-Day scene.   Obviously these peo
ple don't seem to realise that this shit
actually happened. People, people of
your age and class, went to fight in that
situation, and died in a manner not
unlike the ones you are laughing at.
Send these guys to Bosnia, let's see how
much they laugh.
It's something that can't be described. I
just want you to take a few moments to
imagine what it's like to have to hold
your artery in your teeth for four hours
through the night to avoid bleeding to
death in a trench in the middle of a field
of mud, motar and blood in France.
Be proud of what they did. Appreciate
what they did, what they gave up, for
you and for the world. page six
The Thermodynamics of Love
Sara Stamm        -. .
<JWiam'f smvssii§8^Bi^y '
Ahhh. Gotta love it. The weather I
mean. The other day, when I
stepped out of a long, hot, and
boring class it felt so good to have it cool
outside. There was a beautiful brisk
breeze blowing, and it smelled so nice
and fresh. As I was taking a deep breath
of the cool air, the breeze picked up a little, and a freezing cold, dripping wet leaf
from some nearby tree hit me smack in
the forehead. It stung like a son of a
bitch! You wouldn't believe how embarrassing it was to have dirty pieces of leaf
stuck to your forehead in the middle of
a crowded sidewalk. And to top it all off,
just then a rain drop fell down the back
of my neck and made me shudder so
hard it looked like I was having a seizure.
I must admit though, it was an effective
way of waking me up after class! I recommend it to all of you poor underprivileged readers who have never had such
an experience.
Another thing I noticed about the
weather is how it is bringing people
together to form all those happy couples
that are all of a sudden popping up
around campus. There can't be any
other explanation, it makes too much
sense! What it is, you see, is that the
weather is starting to get cold, and people are starting to notice that their
extremities, i.e. hands, nose, etc., are
starting to be chilly when they walk
around by themselves. So they find a
member of the opposite sex, well, not
necessarily opposite, but you know what
I mean, and they get "together" with
them. Now they have someone to hold
hands with, and to suck face with, and
all the rest that goes along with a relationship, and they're not cold anymore!
Isn't that the way it works?
I suppose some of the couples could
have been alcohol induced though,
because I've seen way too many drunk
people in the last couple of weeks. I
think that Halloween and the end of a
lot of midterms is good cause to celebrate. But when these people forget why
they're celebrating and just drink
because it is the only thing they are still
capable of doing, things get a little crazy.
It seems that after a certain point, being
drunk means having sex, which I'm not
saying is bad, but,well, anyways, it leads
to a lot of new couples. That is, couples
who weren't quite drunk enough to forget what they did the night before, or
who had the bad judgement to get with
someone who wasn't drunk enough to
forget. Actually, that is a little harsh,
because some people really like each
other, and are just too shy to act on it
until they get thoroughly inebriated and
forget all their inhibitions. That's when
"stuff" starts to happen, and sometimes
an audience is a welcome addition.
Speaking of getting drunk, it's prompted some pretty interesting actions
among the people I've met so far this
year. I've been living in a fraternity
house with a bunch of guys and girls for
the last little while, and there was a
party last Friday. Of course everyone
who lived there went to the party,
because we got in free. But anyways, I
was talking about interesting actions.
About five of the girls who live there
were having a special contest, and they
waited to make up the categories until
after they had gotten sufficiently drunk.
The first category was who could drink
the biggest variety of drinks before the
night was over. They even had the idea
of keeping score on their foreheads, but
by the time they went looking for the
felt markers to draw on themselves with,
they couldn't remember what they
needed them for. Nobody won that category. Another competition was to see
who could make-out with the most guys
that night. The girl who won that had
over 11 men on her score sheet. Then
there was the 'projectile-vomiting' category, the 'who-passed-out-the-fastest'
category, the 'who-had-sex-irst-that-
night' category, and.... You should have
heard the bragging the next day.
Yeah, this seems to be a good season.
You never have to act any way that you
should, or do anything that you should,
and you never have to feel sorry for it
the next day (or the next time you're
sober enough to think about it). Of
course, if you're a keener who is anally
retentive about that type of thing you're
probably not enjoying the events of the
last little while, but I don't think that is
going to stop anybody. All I can say to
anyone though, is to stay alert and don't
take anything for granted. This is a campus where 'weekday' has no meaning.
Krob Can
Colin McDermott
If you have spent any time in a
Buchanon classroom recently you
will have noticed one thing they're
damn hot. I have information from
an inside source that this is not an
unintentional heating snafu by Plant
Ops, but is a precursor to the alien
occupation on campus.
As we all know UBC is doing whatever it can to raise additional funds for
'Technological Expansion' of the curriculum and campus. Recently Miss
Prez was approached by an alien
named Krob, who is a representative of
the interstaellar equivalent of
McDonald's. He/She/It wanted permission to open an establishment on campus. The deal brokered through the
AMS will allow them to use the roofs
of all buildings for parking (and you
thought roof access was prohibited
just to keep you safe), and the use of
Buchanon A, B, and D as food preparation sites, C and E buildings will be
dining area. As a show of commitment to the project extensive remodelling of the buildings has been planned
and has already started.
In the last two weeks testing of the
heating system has started, to find out
what sort of modifications will need to
made in order to ensure complete
cooking of the stu... er... meals. The
debut menu will feature an inexpesive
'Purple (and gold) Platter', sauteed in
wine and served with seasonal flora.
The second dish will be the 'Red Plate
special' marinated in an eclectic collection spiritous hops.
The star in their cap is to be the
'Dinner in Blue' par boiled in some of
the best local brews availble and lightly garnished with various compound
designed to titillate the taste-buds of
any alien species.
These tests are set to end in mid
November early December when
ambient temperatures in the area drop
to levels where it is no longer feasable
to use such large scale ovens. At that
point investigations will begin into
setting up a no-cook sushi bar style
restaraunt. 11.16.98
page seven
Hn Drawers of SIS™
Jake Gray
^ The Drawers
*    Of SUS....
ack in the trenches you
share your gas mask with
anyone. The mus
tard gas would make it through
0 ' even the smallest of ripples in
the rubber. And beleive me, mustard gas is not a party in
your mouth.
The Krauts had been shelling us for four days without break. We were cut off from our supply lines
and couldn't expect releiving troops until we
were either dead or captured, and 1 for one was
not looking forward to either.
Bobby had taken to making miniature replicas of his family out of chewed up K-rations.
We started to get worried when he read
"Katie" a bed time story. Bobby grew up on a
farm in Kentucky where they raised pigs,
drank bourbon and said grace every day
before dinner. g
Grace didn't help his sorry ass when the lieutenant called us to go over the top. Bobby
made it about ten feet before his face landed at
my feet. His head had been torn completely severed from his body by the machine gun emplacements located right behind us. Friendly Fire is
worse than enemy guns because you don't see it
I had no time to lament his passing. I continued on with ..? ft"•&*,#&
one goal in mind: the Enemy trench. Dodging left and right, ^ W- ^
throwing shoulder rolls I made my way through the sea of mud.
I had to be careful not to break my ankle on the bodies littered across
the field from the push two days ago.
As I leapt into the German trench hacking and slashing with my bayonnet, spilling
german intestines into the mud I noticed a young arian valiantly protecting his family of cracker dolls. I shed a single tear as the bullet passed through the back of his
John Fournier
i, my name is John andQ
I'll be your president
today! ha ha ha. Well I
missed last meeting so I
really   don't   know   what's
J^^ going on, but I never really
WmB do anyway. Hee hee hee.
*0 * went out last night with April and Samantha. We
^gs| ^ went to see a movie called "Dreams may come" and
^^ gosh was it ever keen. This white guy, I can't
remember his name, died and didn't wan't to
leave his wife. Then this black guy, I don't
remember his name either, I'm an equal rights
scatterbrain, helps him find his way back to
earth through all these like tough times, but
then they find each other and everything is
cool in the end.
Maybe some day I can die and come back and
get that train set for Christmas I've had my eye
and science
Aarne Hamalainen T
t's the last
month    of
play for the
H> leagues. The only events remaining are the UBC Fall
Indoor Tennis Championships, The Domathlon and the
Indoor Softball Championships at BC Place.  Registration for
these events close on Nov.4th and Nov. 13th respectively. Sports
rebates will be given out once league play is over. Make sure to give me
the proper paperwork(A copy of the receipt and registration plus rebate application^ soon as possible. Rebate application deadline is on the last day of class
Term l.s
rr to scratch My toes, because
YOU just don'tXC™®*. can your science^
TO FIGURE HER OUT? page eight
Doublethink About it
Welcome   dear   reader,   this
week, I'd like to express my
feelings  about  the  recent
bloodshed in Kosovo.
I feel that +&A%$__{{{:"<>&********#
$(*%&A%A*((%#!++==^-~ ~":;>No I
don't think you've quite got it dumb-
ass, the red wire should go in here,
not there. Don't give me that shit, I
know what I'm talking
about.., %%#$$$$$@A*%$~~)($A$#&*
Okay...damn, I guess you were right.
Oops, we're on, aren't we? Just a sec,
what waS I supposed to start off with?
Oh Right!
Hello Lambs of UBC We have
patched into this article to enlighten
you to our struggle. No, don't try
turning to other articles, or ant other
paper) we have seized total control of
all paper based communications in
Canada. Thanks to our techno-geek
friends, you have to bloody well sit
still and damn well better listen to
what we have to say to you.
We have been fighting an underground battle against our 'government' for years now. Our demands
are simple, declare UBC a sovereign
nation unto itself and turn over the
lands and total ruling control to the
students. We all know that UBC is
not, and has never been, legally a part
of Canada, but the imperialistic bastards of Canada's colonial beginnings
have unjustly claimed it as their own.
All we want is our own country where
we have total power and can still have
the Canadian government foot our
bills. It is our birthright to have our
land under our control, but that
wouldn't sit well with our government. They have more important
pressing concerns than our own freedom, like repressing the working man
to finance the big luxury mansion
they purchased down in Mexico.
Long has the government ignorantly
ignored our demands. They have suppressed our reports, citing them as
'total tactless gibberish with pictures
altered with white-out and jiffy marker'. Our peaceful meetings, which are
defended under the government's
own constitution, to which they owe
all their wealth and power, have been
violently broken up on the convenient charges of 'criminal possession
of illegal drugs and sex slaves'. Even
our members have been viciously
beaten and persecuted by the police
and justice systems on the false pretense of 'waving guns at passer-bys'.
Now, with no other peaceful avenues,
we have been forced to take drastic
Those of you who were observant
enough today, even after working
your two jobs in an attempt to make
just enough that you could scratch
out an education while filling the
pockets of the bureaucrats and bourgeoisie swine, would have noticed the
sudden appearance of a fence around
the Chemistry Building about five
minutes ago. Rule Number One: Don't
touch the fence unless you have an
erotic fixation with 50,000 volts.
We have barricaded ourselves in this
building, along with two first year
chemistry classes who as of yet know
not of the fate that you have forced us
to deliver to them: hostages in the
struggle for campus independence.
They will not be harmed unless you
directly threaten our lives, in which
case, we will burst in the back doors
and slaughter them like the livestock
you treat them as.
Do not try anything, we have seen
every Die Hard and Under Siege
movie. We know every little trick you
little pissants have. We have laser-eye
mink, each with a claymore mine
strapped to their heads, patrolling
each and every entrance to this building. Yes, even the sewers, air vents
and those little cracks in the plaster.
Even you can see, we are ready, willing and ab-
Fuck! Guys! Could you keep the dirt
flinging to a minimum, please! I'm
talking to the people here! Excuse
that, when it was announced that
there was no way in or out of the
building, a few of the guys decided to
exercise their newly liberated freedom
to dig a tunnel to Russell Breweries.
Which, I may add, we were violently
halted from doing the last time we
attempted to do this. But that was
under the evil regime, now it is the
start of a new world, one where
oppression and repression are but
faint memories.
It is time, you who run my daylight
hours and watch me through secret
cameras all my life, it is time that you
realize that we are not going to take
this lying down anymore. We know of
your syndicate, we see the scars you
have caused on the campus. We know
that our leader is nothing more than a
puppet android. No more will I drink
your Victory Coke! Never will your
Brock Hall, or shall I say, your
MiniLuv, sink its poisoned fangs into
my proud chest! You are going down
you oppressing motherfuckers! Do
you hear me?!
Wait...You see that?...the feds have
shut the power. It's all coming down
here and now. Well boys and girls, I'm
wearing my clean underwear and I'm
ready to die to take you down and win
freedom for my people from your
iron-clad fist. See you in hell, you
oppressive motherfuckers. $#@**A%$
And that, my friends, is how I came to
perform oral sex on myself in front of
five hundred transvestites.
I witnessed Andy's performance ofaut-
ofellatio in front of a screeching hoarde.
If Big Brother's listening, I'm telling
him now. That's my Room 101. -ed
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