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The 432 Oct 7, 1991

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 ag All The Noose That's
Fit to be Tied     "
The Newspaper for Science Students    Version 5.02 • October 7,1991
VOTEORDJEI
 Sandra Mah
Internal VP
Yes, look out Rita Johnston
and Mike Harcourt, the
Science Undergrad Society is
holding its own elections.
There haven't been any scandals, but the competition is
stiff! This year there are six
first-years running for the
coveted two spots as First-
Year Reps, and four second-
years vying for three Second-
Year Rep positions. Overall,
though, turnout was disappointing. Although all department (except for General
Science and Oceanography)
and year rep spots were filled,
a few more contested positions
would have made the elections
more exciting! All first and
second year Science students
are encouraged to get out arid
VOTE!
Congratulations and Welcome
to SUS Council's Newest
Members (in by acclaimation)
Year Reps
3rd Year:      Jeff Chen
Patrick Lum
Chris Sing
4th Year:      Wendy Ma
Elaine Wong
K.C. Wright
Department Reps
Biochemistry:   Kitty Yow
Biology: Cheryl Brown
Biopsychology: Edna Chan
Chemistry:   Steven Ro
CompSci: Zain Khandwala
Geography:   Todd Randall
Geology:   Ed Ronyecz
Geo/Astro: Ian Perry
Math: Dennis Chow
Microbiology: Grant Quan
Pharmacology: Dean Jones
Physics: Troy Millington
Physiology: Charlene Fell
PHYSSOC IN POST-COUP OVERHAUL
Hennings (CP)
In the aftermath of the recent
attempted S.U.S. takeover,
dramatic changes have occurred in the leadership of
Physsoc, the once powerful
club behind the unsuccessful
coup.  With President Mark
Hoenig and Vice-president
Erick van Selst still in hiding
from S.U.S. security forces,
Sarah Thornton, former Secretary /Treasurer has consoli
dated power. In what Physsioc
press releases call a process of
"constitutional reform",
Thornton has assumed the new
postion of Comptroller-
General.
In an interview with the 432:,
Thornton denied that the
dissappearance of Hoenig a id
van Selst would have any
affect on the day to day
running of the society.
"Those plebian #$@!%s basically did whatever I told them,
\aert££ AU>£ fcasy
anyway.  The only difference
it should make is that with
them gone, our volleyball team
should stand a chance of
winning". She then proceeded
to oudine a course of planned
action including a wine &
cheese party for physics
faculty, students and physsoc
members to be held on Friday,
October 25 following the
Thursday General Meeting.
Physsoc will continue to offer
its regular services to mem-
fcy DW&lfcl
bers, such as free use of study
carrels, microwave, fridge,
and phone.   The regular sales
of coffee, donuts, muffins and
($.75) pop will continue,
allthough Thornton was
announced that only oatmeal
tofu muffins will be sold in the
future.
The new Physsoc leader
revealed that it was not only
loyalty to S.U.S. that prevented her from joining her
former fellow executives, but
also a general disinclination to
be involved in open silliness.
"Those guys were always
embarassing me in public" said
Thornton. "From now on, we
will begin a silliness crackdown in Physsoc." In other
discussions with the 432,
Thornton deplored the increasing incidence of advertisments
disgused as apparently real
news stories.
RUPERT IS A
NAUGHTY BEAR
Toronto (CP)
A recent episode of the
childrens' animated series,
Rupert the Bear, has been
recalled after it was discovered
that the background art in one
sequence contains books
bearing titles like: "Matrons in
Leather" and "Spanking." The
chairman of the Toronto-based
Nelvana, which produces
Rupert, said that "appropriate
action" would be taken.
Contested Positions
1st Year:       Janice Boyle
Nancy Cherry
Lica Chui
Minaz Fazal
Ryan McCuaig
Ellen Yeung
2nd Year:
Daniel Baker
Glen David
Fahreen Rawji
Jareu
Szolomicki
INGREDIENTS
Editorial
Drake on TRIUMF    3
Between the Lines   3
Dik Miller
Pseudoscience     4-5
Sociopath
Candidates
Sports
4,6
Organized Grime    6
Forced Entries
Mundane Dumpster 7
Conspiracy Rant     7
May contain trace
quantities of
strichnine.
Keep out of the reach
of small children. Page Two
The Four Thirty-Two    Version 5.02   •   October 7,1991
Patrick
REDDING
This is the regular editorial
column. Out of deference to
the readership of the 432,1
promise not to talk about my
penis. Or my dog's penis. In
fact, I'll make a sincere effort
to not be too self-indulgent
with the paper, above and
beyond the level expected of
an editor. I hope that these
verbal assurances are adequate,
but I want you to trust and
believe me, so I am prepared
to take the editor-reader
contract one step further and
lay my gonads on the table, so
to speak—oh shit, I'm really
sorry, T didn't mean...jeez, I
guess 1 already screwed up.
Oh well.
I study Aikido. That never
surprises anybody these days,
since martial arts instruction
for middle class white boys
isn't so much of a rarity
anymore. Its not like I have to
go to Japan or anything to
train.    Aikido is a little
different from other arts.
Unlike Karate, which is the art
of breaking stacks of bricks, or
Judo, which is the art of
grabbing people by the lapels
and throwing them out of bars,
Aikido is the art of convincing
people that they want to hold
on to your wrist while you
lock their joints into unnatural
positions and spin them around
in circles until they get dizzy
and fall over. (By the way, if
any of my Aiki-colleagues are
reading this, please don't tell
Sensei). Unlike Karate and
Judo, which require you to
perform many sets.of fingertip
push-ups to get into shape,
Aikido doesn't demand that
you have any kind of real
physical strength. In fact, the
student is actively encouraged
to cultivate a noticeable saki
gut, so that he/she looks kind
of like The Buddha.
The idea in Aikido is that if
someone charges you, you just
sort of step to the side and trip
them. This amazingly esoteric
principle is sometimes called
"redirecting your opponent's
energy." I myself have only
been studying Aikido for a few
years, so I haven't mastered
the stepping to the side part.
Sometimes I don't get out of
the way quite fast enough.
Sensei (teacher) assures me
that this is just a matter of
experience, and that only the
really advanced practitioners
have perfected this technique.
Aikido's philosophy is strictly
defensive, which means we
don't learn how to attack
people from behind, or
puncture their lungs with our
bare hands. In a way, I like
this non-aggressive aspect of
the art most of all, although I
admit that the spiffy uniform
(called a gi) is also a big draw.
Oddly enough, there is a
component to Aikido that
involves the use of weapons.
The man who developed the
art as a student of traditional
Japanese weapons schools, so
there is a considerable similarity between Aikido and older
samurai arts. This occasion-
allyresults in disturbing class
discussions in which Sensei
assures us that "he himself has
never killed anyone," while
explaining that a quick thrust
with a spear must be followed
immediately by a snap withdrawal, before the opponent's
muscles can seize up. One
recent such lecture revolved
around the proper sword
technique for killing one
person in a crowd, without
hitting anyone else. Personally, I always take these little
chats with a grain of salt, since
Sensei is a counselling psychologist, and I can't really see
him employing these moves in
the halls of a junior high
school.
The dojo (school) where I
train currently is not the first
for me. When I started out, it
was at an Aikikai in San Diego
with a very different Sensei,
who is named Chiba. Chiba-
Sensei is known widely in the
Aikido world for being very
intimidating. I know that
when I first saw him, he was
stalking around the training
mat with a very serious expression on his face. Sometimes
he would sit down on a narrow
bench, cross his arms and
watch his students practice
their techniques. He didn't
talk very much, although he
did hiss occasionally. When
he would demonstrate a new
throw or pin, all of the students
would be lined up in a row,
trying not to slouch for fear
that he would catch them and
shout something belligerent in
Japanese. Then, without
looking at anyone in particular,
Chiba-Sensei would sort of
gesture vaguely, and EXACTLY the right senior
student would scramble to his
feet and, sweating, prepare to
attack the instructor. Which
precise attack the student was
supposed to execute depended
on the position of Sensei's
feet, and how he rolled his
eyes toward the ceiling. The
next minute or so would
consist of Sensei "discouraging" the student's rapidly-
waning assaults. The trick for
the rest of us was to not get so
distracted by the cracking
noises that we didn't notice
which technique was being
shown, since Chiba-Sensei
didn't believe in speaking
during these demos, and we
were expected to copy his
moves accurately. I found this
all very impressive up to the
point that I was called up for a
demonstration, and discovered
just how much force per
square inch it takes to break
through wood panelling.
I stayed at that school until I
moved up to Victoria, where I
eventually found another dojo.
This one was very different. It
didn't smell like pee for one
thing, but the teachers were
also different. They talked,
sometimes even in English,
and very slowly demonstrated
each technique step by step.
They all seemed to have
beards and jobs for computer
companies, or little hobby
farms on Saltspring Island.
They didn't hiss very much. I
discovered an important fact
about western martial artists,
which is that they do not place
nearly so much stock on
looking dour, and preparing to
die before class, as their
Japanese counterparts. The
training was still fairly traditional, but it lacked that
element of imminent doom
that kept us on our toes in
Chiba-Sensei's school.
Well, I've been at my
current dojo for several
months now, and find it to be a
happy compromise between
the dogmatic, bushido-driven
approach of Chiba, and the
Zen surfer ethic employed by
the New Age Aikidoists on the
island. My new instructor
likes to lecture us about proper
etiquette, but he is very jolly.
He particularly gets a chuckle
out of the way that I bounce
off my head when he demonstrates a throw on me. Excepting the times that it feels like
Sensei's tormenting me for
fun, I generally enjoy classes,
and will probably continue to
study once the back brace
comes off.
Do I really need to elaborate? Danger is my middle
name...
The 432™
1991 The Science Undergrad Society
Version 5.02
October 7,1991
Editor
Patrick Redding
Layout
Ryan McC u aig
Patrick Redding
Writers
Morgan Burke
Charlie Cho
Jaret Clay
Aaron Drake
Justin Fellenz
Clement Fung
Mark Hoenig
Mike Hamilton
Sandra Mah
Ryan McC uaig
Derek Miller
Patrick Redding
Gio Vassone
Roger Watts
Illustrators
Patrick Reddin g
David Sovka
Roger Watts
Printing
CollegePrinters Ltd.
Vancouver,   be
Distribution
The Armies of
The Night,  Inc.
BIOCHEMISTRY, PHARMACOLOGY AND
PHYSIOLOGY
BZZR GARDEN
Friday, October 18th, 1991
5:30 - 7:30
WOOD IRC 1
Old Physiology 301 exams (Dec 86 - April 91) complete
with answers, will be sold version 5.02  •  October 7,1991   The Four Thirty-Two
Page Three
A TRIUMF of technology
Aaron
DRAKE
I have no doubt that you
have all been wondering what
my opinion is on TRIUMF.
For those of you out there that
don't follow the topsy-turvy
romantic world of the particle
physicist1, TRIUMF will very
soon be able to buy new letters
to make a brand new acronym:
KAON2. To date, close to a
billion dollars of funding has
been committed to this new
particle accelerator.
As a person who uses the
term physicist very loosely, in
that I spent six years to get a
degree in physics, but I don't
know a kaon from my elbow,
my feelings are mixed. I must
both commend and frown
upon the fact that physicists,
on the whole, are UNIMAGINATIVE BOOBS.
The fact that they are
unimaginative boobs is a good
thing because, unlike their
southern counterparts, there
isn't a single flowery word in
the name of their projects,, It is
not called SUPERconducting
SUPERcolliding SUPERmach-
ine.
Rather, it is called
KAON. Its purpose is to make
kaons. This is simple. If you
ask me what the SUPERcolliding SUPERconducting
SUPERthingamajig in Texas
does, I would assume it creates
Subatomic Adjectives. If you
ask me what KAON produces,
I would venture that it creates
(get ready) kaons (!)
There is also a drawback
Charlie Cho
to these physicists being
unimaginative boobs. If you
can excuse me for being
obvious, they have no imagination. The purpose of KAON
is to smash subatomic particles
together. The purpose of
TRIUMF was to smash
subatomic particles together.
The purpose of very particle
accelerator is to smash SUBa-
tomic particles together. I am
tired of this.
Why isn't there are
SUPERatomic particle
smasher? Then they could
justify the use of the adjective.
I cannot see subatomic particles; their collisions are quite
boring, I must imagine. There
is no smoke and there is no
sound. What we need is
particles larger than atoms
being smashed together. That
would be great.
I have done extensive
research into superatomic
particle smashing at home,
most recendy with two eggs.
However, due to the extreme
primitiveness of my apparatus
the first egg missed the other
entirely. Instead, I had a
collision between an egg and a
Next-Door Neighbour's
Porsche (so the experiment
wasn't a complete loss. I hate
my Next Door Neighbour). To
the best of my recollection this
collision has never been done
before, and it produced lots of
interesting sub-egg particles,
most notably egg-shell particles.
My funding is quite
limited, and I cannot repeat the
experiment. That is why
KAON should take the lead in
superatomic research. With a
billion dollars they could
extend my research beyond
eggs to very ripe watermelons,
or even Winnebagos.
Wouldn't that be great?
Winnebagos! Hurtling towards
each other at velocities near
the speed of light3! Think of
the sounds that would make! A
whole new branch of physics!
We could call it Physics That
Interests People Who Watch
Truck And Tractor Pulls.
Or we could go the other
route and smash subatomic
particles at velocities very
much less than the spasd a?
light. We get enough high
speed collisions. What if we
smashed them together at a
few kilometres an hour? Then
we could find brand new
things out about these particles
like:
1) Do they have
bumpers?
2) What are the properties of a dented electron?
Better yet, delving into
the hyperslow region, we
could mail the subatomic
particles towards each other,
perhaps without sufficient
postage (which brings me to
my idea for safely storing
nuclear waste, but that's
another topic).
I first though that we
could also smash mailmen
together at very high velocities, but further research
proved that impossible.
Canada Post workers obey the
Special Theory of Relativity,
and no matter how fast the
observer is moving, the
Canada Post worker always
appears to be moving slowly.
Regardless, the possibilities are endless. That is why I
Between the Lines
After finding myself quite
lost in the Main Library's
stacks, I emerged from the
leather-bound jungle with my
treasure: Nostradamus:
Countdown to Apocalypse, by
Jean-Charles de Fontbrune.
Within its black hard covers
lay the prophecies of the
world's most famous seer.
According to Liz Green,
Nostradamus "has; been
described as everything from a
Roscrucian initiate, intimate
with the secrets of God, to a
drunkard whose badly rhymed
quatrains are a dubious
alternative to the proverb^d
pink elephant." Over the last
two years, the Big N's
Centuries have been analyzed
to see if they predicted the Fall
of Communism, the Gulf War,
and other Big Capital Letter
Stuff. And lo and behold, it
was found that among his
writings were passages relating
some events quite similar to
these recent affairs of the
world:
Century IV. 32
In those times and places that
meat gives way to fish
The common law shall be
made against it;
The old will hold strong, then
removed from the scene
Then All Things Common
among Friends shall be set
aside.
"All Things Common among
Friends" obviously represents
Communism. This quatrain
unquestionably predicts thi;
economic decline of the
USSR, the hardliners' attempts
to resist reform, and the
eventual Decline of Communism.
Century VI. 2
When those of the Arctic Pole
(the US, Europe and the USSR,
of course) are united together
In the East, there shall be &
great fear and dread
A new man (Saddam, Hussein)
elected, supported by the great
one who trembles (weapons of
mass destruction)
Rhodes and Byzantium (the
Middle East) shall be stained
with Barbarian blood.
Then, of course, there are the
other predictions which have
already been realized. They
include: the execution of
Marie Antoinette, the rise and
fall of Napolean, Hitler's Third
Reich, major wars, etc. (ad
nauseum).
My own recent studies of the
Big N's writings have revealed
shocking new evidence that
suggests that some of them
may relate directly to our own
corner of the world:
Century VI. 67
To the great Empire (the
powerful Alma Mater Society),
quite another shall come
Being distant from goodness
and happiness
Governed by one of base
parentage (Jason Brett)
The Kingdom (UBC) shall
fall, a great unhappiness.
And:
Century VIII. 87
A conspired death shall come
to an effect
Change given and a journey of
death
Elected, created, received by
his own defeated
Blood of innocence before him
by remorse.
(Watch your back, Jason.)
Finally, one of Nostradamus'
last predictions, previously
lost, reads as follows:
am announcing The 432's very
first Worthless Duck Contest.
Try and come up with a list of
things that you would like to
see smashed together at very
high speeds, and I will read
them while sitting on the John.
I may even print them with
your name in the next issue,
and the best one will get a T-
shirt if everyone agrees that
you can have one.
Forbidden Topics
1) One may not suggest
that we smash Rita Johnson
and Mike Harcourt together.
That is rude, offensive,
detracts from the election in
general, and besides, I thought
of it first.
2) One may not suggest
VOllUUiJ A   l± VS1J.11VCIA1.J   V-.U11WI
buzzwords be sped towards
each other at great velocities.
There is an inherent danger of
daughter particles being produced that are even more
stupid. For instance, if we
smashed together White Male
Heterosexuals Conspiracy
with Womyn's Oppression, we
might produce Heterosexuals
Whales Oppressing Conspiratorial Women Mytes.
3) Do not suggest that we
smash together various S&L
executives, as that might
interfere with future funding.
1 And who does?
2 (which stands for "Particle
Accelerator That Produces
Small Particles Called
KAONs)
3 Filled with eggs!
Aaron is the nigh-
legendary former editor
of this very paper. He is
responsible for a fair bit
of what the 432 is today;
but now that he has
switched into Arts, I
dare say he thinks he's
too good for us.
The Kingdom's paper, twice a
week spewed,
Will come under great attack
and revolt
The numbered pages will fill
the void well
Gallantly led by the Great Red
Ed.
Hmmm. Until Next Time...
432 Submission
Guidelines for
Writers and Artists
If the prospect of getting
exposure for your art or
writing sends chills up and
down your spine, then you
should waste no time in
submitting something to the
432 (me). Of course, the
entire paper is run on a
volunteer basis. If you take on
a specific photo assignment for
us, then of course we will
compensate you for the cost of
film and development.
It is not the policy of the 432
to publish on speculation: if
you want to become a regular
columnist, then you simply
need to submit something
every issue. Written works,
unless otherwise arranged with
(me) should be no longer than
1500 words. You may be
asked to edit and resubmit an
article which (I) feel is too
long for our regular format.
The 432's main emphasis is
offbeat humor, but we also
have a mandate to inform
where possible, so we welcome serious articles too.
Keep in mind that the 432 is a
favorite of bleary-eyed
students bored out of their
skulls in an 8:30 lecture with
nothing but a stale sticky-bun
for solace, so the key word
here is "short attention span."
In order for an issue to be on
the stands by Monday, it has to
be delivered to the printers by
the previous Friday afternoon.
So ideally, paste-up should be
completed by Thursday. This
means that the first drafts of
your submissions should come
in no later than the Monday
before a printing, so that our
staff will have rewrites
completed by Wednesday.
Our layout people get about a
week to evaluate reader
response, and make any format
changes before the next issue
has to be planned.
Cartoon or photo submissions
should be into us by Tuesday
at the latest, so that adequate
space can be provided.
We determine the suitability
of each submission on a case
by case basis.
ubc
astronomy
club
• Learn to use a telescope
• Visit far away places, like:
Mexico, Penticton & Victoria
• Have star parties
• Meet interesting people
NEXT MEETING
Wednesday, October 9 @ 5:30
astronomy building room 142 Page Four
The Four Thirty-Two    Version 5.02   •   October 7,1991
Morgan Burke
So, you want to be a
creationist, do you?
We are fast approaching the
twenty-first century, and it
takes a little more training than
it used to. You can't get by on
Bible thumping alone, anymore. We're nearing the turn
of the millennium, and people
in this day and age won't take
blind faith or threats of eternal
damnation for an answer. We
live in the age of reason, and
folks can only be persuaded by
logic, facts and cold, hard
evidence. In short, its no
longer enough to be a creationist. You must become a
Creation Scientist.
Don't be worried about your
lack of training in the sciences.
As a creation scientist, you
will not be required to understand the scientific method,
nor to conduct any research or
experiments. In fact, you will
only be required to familiarize
yourself with some basic
scientific terminology and
ideas, and memorize some
helpful quotations. Advanced
degrees will be useful in
establishing your credibility,
even if they have nothing to do
with biology or science in
general. Especially helpful are
degrees in medicine or engineering, since they sound sort
of scientific to the public's ear,
and will enhance your credibility tremendously. Even
doctoral degrees in subjects
such as Law or Philosophy
sound impressive to those who
are unaware of their irrelevance to the subject.
In the following paragraphs,
you will be given some basic
ammunition to use against
evolutionists and their assorted
atheist and communist cousins.
The simple, easy-to-use anti-
evolution arguments are
presented first, along with suggested tips for how to present
them for best effect. The more
complex and difficult ideas are
given last, and should only be
resorted to by confident and
seasoned creation scientists.
The Argument from Personal Incredulity
This beautiful line of reasoning is deceptively simple, and
performs admirably in shaking
fence-sitters off their perches
and into the golden fields of
creationism. You begin by
announcing how difficult it is
to understand how the blind,
random, unguided (these
adjectives are very important)
forces of nature can account
for all the infinite complexity
of our world. You might say
something like:
"How is it that the purely
random, uncontrolled forces of
blind chance can produce an
organ like the human eye,
which far surpasses in complexity and performance the
most advanced and expensive
computers that modern
technology can produce?"
If all goes well, your acquaintance will be unable to
respond to this question, and
The Pseudoscientist
you can move on to more important issues, like when your
Bible study group meets.
Sometimes your listeners will
recognize that your question
amounts to little more than an
admission of ignorance. In
this event, a quick change of
subject is in order.
The "It's Only a Theory"
Argument
This one is also very simple
to use, and is devastating to the
uneducated layperson. Simply
announce evolution is only a
theory (be sure to use the word
"only"), and should be given
no more respect than other
theories like UFOs, psychic
phenomena, and cold fusion.
This argument undermines the
credibility of all of evolutionary science, and will assist you
in categorically rejecting any
future counter-arguments and
rebuttals that you don't fully
understand.
This argument's power is
derived from the fact that most
people are incapable of
distinguishing between theory
and speculation. If your
potential convert tries to tell
you that UFOs, psychic phenomena, and cold fusion are
not theories at all, but unsubstantiated observations, you
will know that he or she is not
one of these people. Do not
give up yet! It may still be
possible to save this person
from eternal damnation!
The Probability Argument
WARNING: This argument
involves dealing with numbers
and other mathematical ideas!
If you are not comfortable with
such concepts, then it may be
better to feign lateness for an
appointment, then to get
further entangled in debate.
We know from experience
that it is not possible to solve a
jigsaw puzzle by tossing all the
pieces on the table, and hoping
they fall together in the right
places. How, then, can it be
possible that an entire protein,
consisting of thousands of
atoms, could self-assemble
through the chance collision of
its constituent atoms? How
about an entire living cell, consisting of trillions of atoms?
Statistics tells us that this
could not possible happen in a
million times the age of the
universe. Therefore life could
only have been methodically
assembled by an intelligent
God.
This argument is elegant,
irrefutable, and is backed up
solid (albeit vague) mathematics. When faced with this
daunting assemblage of facts,
many armchair evolutionists
will snap and admit the folly
of their ways. You may meet
a few die-hards who will
protest that proteins and cells
do not form as the result of the
simultaneous collision of their
component atoms. If you are
unlucky enough to meet such a
seasoned evolutionist, you will
have to resort to some ad-
continued next page
Dik Miller, Arts Faculty Advisor
Derek K.
MILLER
"But it's aaaaawwwwl
raiiiiiight now," I was singing.
"In fact it's a gas."
I was in my new Faculty
Advisor's office (with my name
on the door) in the Buchanan
building, and this being my lunch
break, I was letting off a little
steam. I stepped from the floor
to the top of my desk.
"But it's aaaaawwwwl
raiiiiiight, Jumpin' Jack Flash is
agas, gas, gas..."Themetre stick
I was using as an air guitar flailed
madly about in my arms. I
stepped next from the desk to
my chair.
My rolling chair.
When I regained consciousness, my head felt rather swollen. That was probably, I deduced, because I was hanging
upside down, wedged between
the side of my desk and the wall.
I remembered vaguely having
scrambled like a mad, log-rolling forester as my chair rolled
out from under me, but that was
it.
There was aknock at the door.
"Justaminute," I said. I moved
to get out from next to the desk
and answer the door. Unfortunately, both arms were pinned at
my sides and my feet were sticking rather uselessly in the air. I
couldn't get out.
"Oh, man," I whined.
"Sorry?" said the woman outside the door.
"Nothing. I'll be with you
shortly." I tried flinging my legs
back and forth to dislodge myself, to no avail.
"Is this door locked?" she
asked. Click. "I guess not."
Patrick Redding
From my position all I could
see was apair of Nike Airs clomp
through the doorway.
"Er, hi," I said weakly.
"Mr. Miller?"
"Yes, that's me."
"What are you doing back
there?"
"Hanging."
"Oh," she replied. "Anyway,
you lied."
"I did?"
"Yes. You said that the best
thing to do about my low mark in
History was to go tell the prof to
'Piss off, you old fart' He lowered my mark from a P to an F
when I did that."
"Well," I said, "um...Could
you help me get out of here?"
"Sure.Noproblem."TheNike
Airs plodded up to my desk. She
grabbed my feet and gave them
a violent heave, causing me to
fall over sideways, pivoting on a
fulcrum formed by the back of
my head and my nose, until I
was lying sideways on the floor.
"Ow," I said. I used my right
hand to push myself along the
carpet so I could get my head out
from behind the desk. Unfortunately, my chin caught on one of
the legs. I was stuck again.
"Not only that," the student
was continuing, "but he said that
if I ever did that again, he would
have me banned from any History courses I might want to take
in the future."
"Um, excuse me, but I'm still
stuck. Could you pull the desk
out from the wall a bit?" I asked.
"Fine, fine." She walked to
the end of the desk and soon I
was free. I stood up and rubbed
my nose. I could now recognize
her as a student I had helped the
previous week.
"Now, what was it you were
saying?"
Shelookedexasperated. "I told
my History prof to 'Piss of, you
old fart,' and he lowered my
mark instead of raising it, and
he's threatened me with censure
from other History courses."
"I see." I pulled on my chin
the way people do to look like
they're deep in thought. "If you
actually wanted a higher mark
and wanted to take more History
courses, telling him to piss off
was a pretty stupid thing."
"But you told me to do it!"
"No, actually I merely suggested it."
"And you said it would make
things better!"
"That depends on your definition of 'better.' I meant it in
terms of emotional well-being.
You were obviously very frustrated, so I thought that telling
your prof to piss off would relieve you of some tension."
"But he failed me in the
course!"
"You have to pay the price for
speaking your mind sometimes,
you know." I smiled.
She didn't. "I'm a History
major! This could screw up my
entire degree!"
"Look, would you rather have
some stupid piece of paper or
have a clear conscience, knowing that you were honest?"
She said nothing, but simply
turned a deep shade of red and
stormedout, headingforthechief
Faculty Advisor's office next
door.
That was easy, I thought. /
guess she finally saw my point.
So far this job has been a
breeze.
Derek Miller, past 432 editor and UBC graduate, can
be found busking the streets
of downtown with his merry
band of minstrels.
The Whole World Loves A Sociopath
I was watching David Letter-
man many months ago, right
after the second Terminator
movie had been released, to
see what sort of mayhem was
to be unleashed on that night's
guest, Arnold Schwarzenegger
(Since both of these gentlemen
have substantial gaps between
their two front teeth, the whole
visual effect was quite striking). Something Arnie said in
his conversation with Dave
twigged for me. When asked
why he thought the Terminator
movie and character had
become so popular, the toothy
Austrian thoughtfully replied
that "Deep down, everyone
would like to be a machine for
a little while," to not have to
worry about the rights or
wrongs of their individual
actions, to be unburdened with
emotion in the face of stress,
or as Arnie put it: "to be able
to get the job done."
I found his comment intriguing, because I knew that I had
on occasion thought along
those lines myself. Who
among us hasn't, on some
occasion, said to themselves:
"Screw it. I don't wanna deal
with any people today. I hate
people. I just wanna get from
point A to B. I hate buses."
Anyone? Anyone? Oh Come
ON! When you hit that point
where you are just too exasperated to actually be enraged, but
everyone around you seems
ugly, or determined to make
life difficult for you, it is a
natural (albeit heavily suppressed) lizard-brain response
to fantasize about impassively
hosing the immediate area
with gunfire. NOT that this
reaction isn't a problem, or
cannot build up to a catastrophe. Enough wackos have too
little control over their fight or
flight mechanism that every
once in a while one of them
walks into a schoolyard or
fast-food restaurant and
indulges in little live-fire
catharsis at the expense of
some innocent's vital signs.
But the fact remains that
perfectly healthy folks (as
healthy as anyone can be in a
society that suffers from sleep
deprivation and type-A
personality) find themselves
inexorably attracted to the idea
of someone who does not have
to play by the rules of human
morality.
This may be an extension of
the same bizarre fascination
that compels millions of
viewers to tune into soap
operas in which the main
protagonists are more or less
continuously screwing each
other, in both senses, and yet
always manage to walk out of
any traumatic situation (how
would you deal with the
revelation that you're your
own dead, evil twin?) with
little more on their minds than
what to wear to the annual
Christmas episode. This is not
continued on page six" Version 5.02   •   October7,1991   The Four Thirty-Two
Page Five
Open Mouth, Insert Boot S^SS
TODD RANDALL
Geography 4
Dept Rep
"Although few in numbers,
some 60 Physical Geographers
strong, I bring their voices to
S.U.S., and in return, bring the
directives of the "Post-Coup
Council" back to the department."
I encourage students to be
aware of events that occur
around them (i.e. referendums,
meeting quorums, SUS
events,...) U.B.C. can be a
great time, Tuum est!"
JANICE BOYLE
1st Year Rep
"As are of the thousand first
year representative candidates
who are in cut-throat competition for two spots, I'm going to
tell you the single most
important fact that well
distinguishes me from all other
candidates! My name is Janice
Boyle, and it is the first name
on the ballot. (They have
obviously already ranked us).
If you want to stay informed
about what year S.U.S. is
doing and what is available for
you, just mark the first name
on the list: Janice Boyle."
JARECK SZOLOMICK
2nd Year Rep
"Dear students,
Jarek Szolomick is running for
your Science rep. Now it's
your turn to make a change in
this place or keep it the way it
is. Remember every vote
counts. My goal is to improve
the quality of education that
we are getting for our hard
earned money as well as
creating more activities where
we all can relax and enjoy life
Oct 9-11. Be there!"
CHRISTOPHER M. SING
"Hi eveiybody. What's the
meaning of life. Obviously,
the answer lies within the
realm of science. Being one of
three, three year reps, we'll do
our best to keep you informed
or. the latest fashionable
changes to your curriculum's
other material. Hoping that
we'll have a magnificient
prosperous years with tons of
surprizes and excitement."
WENDY MA
Biology 4
4th Year Rep
"Hello! My name is Wendy
and I'm fourth year Biology
student. As this is my last year
in Science, I figure I'd better
contribute to my faculty before
I graduate. So, take advantage
of my office hours and come
chat with me at the S.U.S. See
ya there! Have an awesome
graduation year, folks."
DENNIS CHOW
Math 4
Morgan Burke
Math Dept Rep
MEMORANDUM
vanced Creation Science
tactics.
Suggestions for Advanced
Creation Scientists
If you are extremely confident in your ability to understand numbers and pronounce
long words, then you may
have a great career ahead of
you in Creation Science. Feel
free to break new ground in
the field; the possibilities are
limitless! To begin with, you
may want to investigate the
following avenues, pioneered
by the great Creation Scientists
of our time.
Authoritative Quotation:
How better to disprove
evolution than to do so by
quoting the scientists themselves? A very popular and
effective technique with non-
academics is that of quoting
evolutionists criticizing each
other's work. If carefully presented, such quotes can
produce the impression that
evolution is a fractious and
bitterly divided science with
little hope of ever resolving
anything.
Misdefinition: This is the art
of transforming the meaning of
irrefutable quotations and
ideas, by redefining certain
critical terms. Science is full
of jargon and terminology
which is largely nonsensical to
the non-expert. By supplying
convenient creationist definitions for these words and
concepts, one can transform
continuedfrom last page
any evolutionist idea into its
opposite. With practice, you
should be able to accurately
quote any prominent scientist,
and with judicious use of
misdefinition, make him sound
like a born-again creationist.
The Second Law of Thermodynamics: The second law is a
prime target for misdefinition
(see above). Using a redefined version of this unassailable physical principle, one
can quite conclusively prove
that life cannot spontaneously
form or evolve without
intelligent intervention. Best
of all, the general inscrutability
of thermodynamics makes it
highly unlikely that you will
meet with someone who
knows more about the second
law than you.
These are the fundamentals
of Creation Science. Once you
have mastered them, you can
move on to more challenging
subjects, such as proving that
the earth is less than 10,000
years old, that humans and
dinosaurs co-existed, and that
evolution is disproved by
molecular biology and information theory. Finally, you
might aspire to achieve the
holy grail of Creation Science:
the derivation of all of modern
physics, chemistry, and
biology from the first chapter
of Genesis.
Morgan holds exclusive
rights to the title of " gentleman and scholar."
TO:
FROM:
RE:
BLURB:
Pat Redding
Dennis Chow
Math Dept Rep
"Om..."
ELLEN YEUNG
Science 1
1st Year Rep
Profile of Ellen Yeung:
Desire: running for 1st year
Science Rep...and Miss
Canada
Why university?: to avoid the
'real world' for a while longer
Why run for 1st year Science
Rep?: Just one of them individualistic things that a
person's gotta do.
Why vote for me?:   I don't
BITE (pen caps suffice for
now)
Don't know me?:      Flash
your wallet or beam your smile
360 degrees. I'll find you.
ELAINE WONG
Pharmacology 4
4th Year Rep
"Hiya! My name is Elaine
Wong and I'm a fourth-year
pharmacology student who's
running for position as Fourth-
year Rep. I've been involved
with SUS for a while now and
you may remember me from
all those blurbs I made about
SUS and the Biochemistry,
Pharmacology, and Physiology
Club in the last two years. I'm
also a member of the Grad
Council cuz I want everyone to
have an excellent grad. I think
I'd be a great rep cuz I'm not
afraid of making in-class
announcements, I'm friendly,
and having fun is my #1
priority!"
LICACHUI
Science 1
1st Year Rep
"Here's my straightforward
way to dodge an issue: the
writing of a blurb. You, a
potential voter should vote for
Lica for FIRST YEAR SCIENCE REP, because if you
don't: you'll get seven years
of bad luck, you're chemical
equations won't balance,
you'll get stuck in the longest
line, the phone will only ring
when you're in the shower,
youTL.you get the picture.
So, broaden your mind (put a
stick of dynamite in each ear).
Please, vote for Lica Chui, 1st
Yr. Rep., on election day."
NANCY CHERRY
Science 1
1st Year Rep
Hey Dudes!! I'm Nancy
Cherry and I'm running for
S.U.S. first year rep so I can
organize some super-fun
events for you. Vote for me
because in Science, not only
do we have to study hard, but
we have to play hard too!
JEFF CHEN
Cell Biology 3
3rd Year Rep
"I'm Jeff Chen and I will be
serving as your 3rd year S.U.S.
Rep. Fortunately, I don't
study as much, so I'll have
more time to listen to your
questions or concerns. So get
out there and vote."
PATRICK LUM
3rd Year Rep
"By Vice-Presidential
Decree, it is hereby proclaimed
that as part of the post-coup
reshuffling, Patrick Lum is to
be demoted from 2nd Year
Rep/Chung Wong Fan Club
President, to SUS 3rd Year
Rep."
RYAN MCCUAIG
1st Year Rep
"He's not Socred. He's not
NDP. What more do you
want?"
Daniel Baker
I'm a biology major, I have held many
diverse positions of power, I can and
will help any who want it.
Vote Dan. Do you need a reason?
Editor's Note: See what
happens when you hand
things in late?
Jaret
CLAY
CIRCVS
Welcome to science sports!
the last couple of weeks have
been hellish in the intramurals
office, mostly due to that
enormous Festival, the Arts
'20 Relay. I'm glad to say
Science contributed 11 of
the 157 total teams that raced
from Vancouver General
Hospital to UBC campus las
Sunday, Sept. 29. The entire
trek came off with out a hitch,
an incredible credit to both the
intramurals staff and participants.
But enough of past glories;
the future brings noon runs
every Tuesday and Friday at
12:30 pm at the South SUB
Plaza as well as an array of
touraments in tennis, squash
and wallyball. Preliminaries
have begun in all the major
team sports. To place teams in
their popular divisions, be sure
to support your friends on
science teams if you're not
participating yourself.
Upcoming special events
include the Turkey Trot Oct.
11, Orienteering Oct. 17,
Mountain Bike Event II Oct
24, Wallyball Wingding I Nov
2, Racquetball Tourney I Nov
2, Bookstore 3-On-3 Basketball Tourney Nov 3, Trimbles
SCIENTIFICVS
Revenge 10 km run Nov 7, and
the 3-On-3 Volleyball Tourney
Nov 9.
Now, for the grand Finale,
the next huge special event is
the Day of the Longboat
Festival, Saturday Oct 26.
Registration is from now until
October 18th at the cost of
$175 for each 10 man/woman/
corecteam. Remember,
science will refund 50% of that
cost just for your signing up
your erew as "Science"
So the final word is "get
involved." Okay, so it's two
words; but the message stays
the same: we get intramurals
sports points for Science every
time you participate in an
intramurals event. Take part
and always have a good time,
even if it kills you.
So long for now,
Jaret Clay
Sports Rep
Jaret spends a great deal
of his time warding off
the diabolical forces that
occasionaly pop by the
office to claim his soul.
fermi
question:
Based entirely on
your estimation of
the average flux of
cars on the
highway, and a
rough knowledge
of the population
distribution of
feral animals in
the wild,
determine the
approximate
quantity of road-
kill generated each
year in Canada, in
kilograms, or cubic
meters. Page Six
The Four Thirty-Two    Version 5.02   •   October 7,1991
Roger Watts (and his pet dog "Plagiarism")
Organized Grime
So there I was, just me and
the entire California Womens'
Under-20 Gymnastics Team,
with nothing but the uneven
bars and half a gallon of
Hershey's Syrup —oh, pardon
me. Wrong publication.
Wow, a column in The 432.
Top o' the world, Ma. I have
to say that this is a king-sized
treat. (Although, granted,
there are some really great
king-size treats out there that
don't involve beating your
Macintosh senseless for two
weeks trying to shake off
writer's block.) There were
actually a lot of things that
made me come down to SUS
and grovel for a corner of Page
Whatever to hide in:
1) Needed something to fill
in these mounds of free time
between Chem 203 labs and
Double-Calculus classes;
2) My Mac has been
spoiled rotten lately, being
used predominandy for Tetris,
and really hasn't been getting
enough serious abuse;
3) Lacked a real cool
nickname like "Dik";
4) Get to smile quietly to
myself hearing frosh women
whisper, "Ooo, he writes for
that funny newspaper!" [ed.
note: "Really? They really say
that?"];
5) Get to feel the smile
rapidly sag when they say,
"Yeah, I'll bet he could
introduce us to Aaron
Drake!!", and give in to primal
jealousy;
6) Mentally speculate that
Aaron Drake would have
trouble finding his teeth with
his eyes swollen shut.
So just to break the ice I'd
like to ask: have you read The
Hitchhiker's Guide to the
Galaxy! (For some reason,
this friend of mine, Ellie
Lathrop, figures that this is the
greatest pick-up line of all
time. Then again, she is a
Social Work student, so mere
you go.) If you have, then you
know that the Pan Galactic
Gargle Blaster is the best drink
in existence. Until now, no
human has ever made one, but
my buddy Andrew and I have
managed to put something
together that has roughly the
same overall effect on the
bodv (somewhat akin to beins
used for a hockey puck by the
by the Jolly Green Giant, ho-
ho-ho). Try it, if you dare:
THE PAN GALACTIC
GARGLE BLASTER, original
recipe
(with translation into everyday
English)
1. 'Take the juice from one
bottle of that ol' Janx Spirit."
(loz. Bacardi 151. You know,
that evil stuff that says, "Keep
away from flame" on the label.
Acceptable substitutes include
Smirnoff 50%, or any one of a
number ofzesty organic
solvents, available from you
Chem TA at one low, low
price.)
Patrick Reddin
2. "Pour into it one measure
of water from the seas of
Santraginus V." (1 oz. tequila
just about covers this. If
you're really suicidal, try 2 oz.
We did. We paid the price
later, of course...)
3. "Allow three cubes
Arcturian Mega-gin to melt
into the mixture (it must be
properly iced or the benzene is
lost)." (1 oz. ice-cold lemon
gin. The benzene's optional;
see above re. organic solvents.)
4. "Over the back of a
spoon, float a measure of   •
Qualactin Hypermint Extract."
(Ignore the spoon bit; everybody knows that's too hard to
do when you're hosed anyway.
Chuck in a generous ounce-
and-some of Peppermint
Schnapps. This stuff is what
really makes the drink.)
5. "Allow four liters of
Fallian marsh gas to bubble
through it, memory of all those
happy Hikers who have died of
pleasure in the Marshes of
Fallia." (Top up with a fruity,
bubbly mix of some sort; we
found a mixture of raspberry
ginger ale and OJ worked
really well.)
6. "Drop in the tooth of an
Algolian Suntiger." (Throw in
a sugar cube and watch it fizz,
an action which becomes
absolutely fascinating by about
the third drink or so.)
1. "Sprinkle Zamphuor."
(We don't have a clue what the
hell Zamphuor is, so go for the
gusto and sprinkle on some
Tabasco sauce. The key word
here is sprinkle, believe me.)
8. "Add an olive." (For all
you Artsies —add an olive.)
Drink —but very carefully...
Trust us on this one, boys
and girls. It's really quite
tasty.
Of course, actually putting
the thing together was an
adventure in itself, and by no
means a project to be taken
lighdy. Ultimately, we
decided that a party in our
quad (Gagespeak for where we
live, if ya didn't know), was
the only fitting way to introduce our creation to the public.
So, after staring at the Guide
for several hours trying to
fieure out what we could out
in it without making ourselves
too ill, we gleefully jumped
into the Brown Hornet and
zoomed off to every UBC
resident's favorite store. This
is of course the Liquor Store
on 4th and Alma, aka The Lick
Palace; as in, "Hey, let's go
get some lick for tonite." (The
Brown Hornet, by the way, is
my 1981 Honda Accord, so
named because... well, obviously because its brown, but
also because it has gaping hole
in the muffler and thus sounds
a lot like a 4000-pound insect.)
Having arrived at the Palace,
we amazed everyone present
by buying enough hooch to
permanently pickle a blue
whale before deafening them
as we drove off. (You see, the
already-loud Hornet-Buzz is
amplified about tenfold in any
kind of enclosed parking
structure. Consequently, loses
its resemblance to insect of
any size and starts to sound
more like a Cessna.) Then
began The Long Haul. Being
one of the unlucky multitudes
that didn't get a Gage parking
spot, using the car always
involves a couple of 10-minute
walks from B-Lot or so. This
is an unenviable task empty-
handed, let alone with an
armload of full botdes.
The scariest part about the
whole thing was carrying all
that stuff from the car to East
Tower without being rolled by
a marauding pack of Engineers
—they can smell case of
partyproofing the quad and
reassuring our advisor that
there would indeed be a quad
left. Then came the Big Night,
and the anticipation was
killing us. The guests began
trickling in, and we bided our
time, casually sipping brews
and awaiting the right moment.
Finally, with a good crowd on
hand and amidst much pomp
and ceremony, Andrew and I
mixed two Pan Galactic
Gargle Blasters To Go.
Truth to tell, we were rather
disappointed with the drink's
reception. Anyone that hasn't
been put right off by the kinds
of things we were putting into
the glass, certainly were when
they saw the drink's final
color, (but don't let that fool
you, kids; we're after function
here, not frills. It really tastes
OK, at least, as highly flammable mixtures go.) We
happily gulped them down,
much to the shock and chagrin
of anyone who hadn't already
lost interest and started trying
to pick someone up ("Say,
have you read The Hitchhiker's Guide To The Galaxy?"), and after a few minor
convulsions, mixed a couple
more. We knew that we
wouldn't last long, but hey, we
were secure in the knowledge
that we had gone Where No
One In Their Right Mind
Would Think About Going.
The party itself was a real
hoot —at least, that's what I
heard, anyway. I can't recall.
Funny how that works.
continuei
a newly-discovered phenomena. Modern North American
media suffers from a serious
case of bread-and-cireuses.
People like to watch evil
characters do evil things and
get away with it. Most of us
went to a school, or have
worked with some guy or
woman who could do and say
things that we always wanted
to do or say ourselves, but
were too scared to. Those
people always seemed to have
a rather unhealthy influence on
those around them, the kind of
charisma that comes with
sincerely not giving a shit.
Most of us put on that facade
every now and then. That is
called "acting cool," and
virtually noone is fooled by it
for more than maybe thirty
seconds.
The cult of the Anti-Social
extends its embrace to a range
of behaviors, from the relatively superficial "bad-boy"
schtick of an Axel Rose or a
Jack Nicholson, to the
morbidly fascinating psychosis
of a Hitler, a Manson or a
Jeffery Dahlmer. It seems to
me, and my perspective may
be completely off-kilter, that
the ante is always being upped.
Just as the violence on screen
is becoming more intense, and
the audience is being desensitized, there is a corresponding
willingness on the part of the
viewer to accept and even
admire the extremities of
behavior exhibited by what in
the old days was known as an
"anti-hero." Back in the
fifties, there were a lot of "lost
generation" pictures, featuring
Marlon Brando or James Dean
as the brooding, disenfranchised youth, part of and yet
apart from the mainstream of
American culture. Oudaws
have been hip since day
nought, and some fairly
viscous ones at that. But it has
only been in recent years that
the "end-justifies-means" ethic
has really gained acceptance.
Now I'm convinced that the
infatuation with Byronic
villains has taken the next
logical step. I finally managed
to see Silence of the Lambs.
Scared? Big Time, but not
because of the standard
splatterflick devices (false.
starts, fresh corpses, ra-
LIMITED TIME OFFER...only available
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be FAMOUS
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and much, much more?
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submit entries to SUB box 69 or to meetings
zorblade soundtrack). I didn't
really get freaked out by
Silence of the Lambs until
about five minutes after the
credits scrolled by, and I
caught myself smiling. What
had me so cheery? If you
haven't seen the picture, I
don't want to give too much
away, but suffice it to say it
has one of the best escapes in
movie history. The villain, a
brilliant psychiatrist named
Hannibal Lector, who was
imprisoned for a series of cannibalistic serial killings,
manages to escape his temporary cell in a Tennessee courthouse, eluding some atypicaiiy
competent police in the
process. The way he pulls it
off defies description, but it is
exceptionally bloody, bold and
clever. And I think most of
the audience admired him for
it. Admittedly, his portrayal
by Anthony Hopkins was
calculated to evoke complementary reactions of fear and
fascination, but in this regard
the result exceeded the best
expectations of the director. It
is my contention that people
out there are really beginning
to relate to the world's clinical
sociopaths.
A sociopath is defined as "an
aggressively anti-social
psychopath." A psychopath,
in turn, is defined as "someone
suffering from a mental
disorder such that they are
amoral or incapable of distinguishing between right and
wrong." It's no big news flash
that the average human tires of
the constant moral dilemmas
that one encounters on a day to
day basis. This certainly
explains the whimsical
affection for characters who
are free from those kinds of
decisions. But modern urban
people suffer from an additional pressure, namely a sense
of being imprisoned or persecuted actively by an indifferent
System, whatever that may be.
Sometimes this high-density
neurosis gives way to that
great sovreign fifth force:
rampant stupidity. Lost souls
seeking an easy out turn to
exploitative religious institutions or slickly-promoted
political parties to divest them
of the hard choices (and
usually their money). Others
sink deeper and deeper into a
cynical mire, adopting the
appropriate mean spirit to
shield themselves. These
people like the idea of not only
being free of moral burden, but
of being able to strike with
impunity at the things that
torment them. The late writer
Robert Heinlein (who wasn't
really one to talk) said that any
animal ever observed has been
shown to go crazy if forced
into overpopulation. "Humans," he said, "are the only
animals in the world that
actively seek out this condition." Version 5.02   •   October 7,1991   The Four Thirty-Two
Page Seven
Justin Fellenz
Forced Entries
Bob went to the store to buy a
bomb, and an electric chair.
Nobody knew why, except of
course Bob, who knew. He
went to the store and bought
these things and took them
home to his mother who said
that she needed them for
baking. She put them in the
oven, and Bob watched as they
rose and rose, and became
larger. Bob's mother said she
had a surprise for him.
"Watch", she said.
"Oh boy", he said.
The electric chair began to
melt, and the arms began to
bend in toward the bomb,
which was strapped to the seat.
Bob could see this through the
pastry which his mother had
put over the electric chair and
the bomb. Bob watched and
watched, and the pastry rose
and rose, and the chair got
rounder and rounder, until it
was a ball around the bomb
and the pastry was a ball
around the chair and the whole
thing was a ball in the oven,
completely round almost
Conspiracy of the Week
because of the shape of the
bomb and the chair but a little
flatter one way than the other.
Bob's mother took the ball out
of the oven. It was hot. Bob
got bored watching it cool so
he went and played with the
TV. He came back to the
kitchen when he wasn't bored
anymore and said to his
mother, "What is it?"
His mother said, "A toy. Play
with it".
So Bob took his new bombe-
lectricchairpastryball and
played, with it. He took it to
school and showed it to all thij
other children.
"Silly," they said.
"Dummy. Nobody plays with
bombelectricchairpastryballs.
Why don't you get a cyanom-
ergotransmogrovaporizer and
play war crimes like everyone
else. I bet you don't even
know how to play suicide."
Bob was very sad. He loved
his bombelectricchairpastry-
ball. Hie loved everything.
Why didn't the children like
him? He put away his bombe
lectricchairpastryball in a
closet behind his thread
collection and a piece of
cherry pie. He demanded a
cyanomergotransmogrova-
porizer. He got it and nobody
still liked him anymore. The
bombelectricchairpastryball
made friends with the cherry
pie but Bob didn't know. A
molhermadeelectricalexplosiveball
and a cheap half-eaten piece of
storebought pie, lovedeath
made life just like Earth.
Where do babies come from...?
Bob went to the store to buy a
bomb and an electric chair.
Nobody knew exactly why,
except of course Bob, who
thought he knew. He remembered his bombelectricchairpastryball in the closet. It was
all mouldy. He remembered
how much he had loved it. He
remembered that nobody liked
him. All these things wriggled
in his mind. He picked up his
bombelectricpastryball and
dropped it out of a window
from a long way up into a vat
of acid. The pastry melted and
Bob's faces melted off his
skulls and his brains dripped
into his liquified chest cavities
into his hearts. Then all the
bombs went off but Bob didn't
know.
BIOLOGY
GRADS
Composite
PHOTOGRAPHS
NOW BEING TAKEN AT
EVANGELOS.
EVANGELOS
PHOTOGRAPHY
3156 West Broadway,
Telephone: 732-3023/731-8314
Five Minutes From The UBC Gates
(RAIN OR SHINE)
3156
Broadway | red robin"]-,-] evangelos )—[ orestes |
we are Here
lUBCl-
Brought to you by Jeremy
Reimer, Bavarian Illuminati
Is Burnout.
Burnout: all too common
student problem (these days).
Tempting to blame (typical)
disorders like vomiting, hair-
pulling, insane screaming,
spontaneous combustion on
standard causes: 8:29 lectures,
three-hour labs, incomprehen
sible professors, university
heads who resemble Mussolini, Benito.
Truth more sinister (hideous). For years, this has been
hidden from masses, in fear
that knowledge of process
would trigger violence, rioting;
unrest, etc.
But fact is: general public
too apathetic to care about
even profound matters.
Bureau has decided to make
truth known. This will divert
attention from [rest of paragraph unreadable].
Real cause of burnout is little
green worms (not seen)
hanging from every tree on
campus by six-foot thread.
They are (hideous) result of
botched genetic engineering
expeiment in behavior modification carried out by THEM in
late 60s. Often don't see them
til too late. They land on head,
burrow their way into skull.
Avoidance attempts futile, as
sudden wind gusts can transport worm to clothing or hair
from as far as three feet away.
Worms have interesting life
cycle, attach to human victim
in fall, then wait until mental
breakdown in April of following year before leaving host
body to reproduce, find more
victims.
Original purpose of worms:
MUNDANE DUMPSTER
Michael J. Hamilton
Gio "El Duca" Vassone
AMS Representative
Referenda: A Users
Guide.
Every year (more
or less) the AMS attempts to pull off a
referendum. The SUB
was paid for by students after they
voted in favour of a
referendum to build
it. In the last decade, student politicians campaigned
fairly hard for a
Student Recreation
Facility (RecFac),
which the students
(apparently) did not
want. Eventually,
the referendum
failed, but the
Board of Governers
has decided to collect a fee for which
you can voluntarily
apply to have refunded. The point is
that a referendum
has not been passed
at UBC since October
3, 1654.
This Year is no
exception; the AMS
is going to ask students to vote in a
referendum involving
fee increases and
disbursement of
capital funds (read:
Pit expandsions)
this November. The
questions are not
yet finalized, but
they will be published in the Ubyssey and The Point in
the near future.
(The Ubyssey, by the
way is similar to
Playboy; one reads
Playboy for the articles and the Ubyssey for the ads.) In
any case you should
familiarize yourself
with the questions
and make an informed
decision in the referendum. Due to the
Quorum rules about
2600 students must
vote in favour of
the referendum for
it to pass.
Put plainly, Mike is our hero.
G-Strings:
Buon Juorno. A welcome to-a my article. As-
a you'va heard, de SUS
Council elecciones are-a
comin op on de 9-11 of
October. I'd-a jost like to
encourage-a you all to a
come out and a vote in
Chem, CompSci, Hebb,
and-a Wesb. Like-a
Derek - uno seconde, /
wrote in-a de last G-
Strings, it's a great-a way
to come and-a find out
what-a SUS is-a all
about.
Let's-a see ifa we canna
have a more enthusiasme
than-a we did witha de
nominationes. Asta matta
fo you? In de old contry,
we knew-a de value of an
open eleccione. (But to
this-a day I have trouble a
votin' for a man wit less
dan a full-a head of-a
hair). I'd-a like to wisha
SUS President
de luck to the candidates
in the contested positions
(First- and-a Second-Year
Reps). It'sa gonna be
exciting, this eleccione.
For all-a de candidates
and SUS Council mem-
beres, there's a gonna be
a wine and a cheese at-a
the SUS-a Office on-a
Friday, October 18th. It
starts at-a 4:30, and it'sa
free. Consider it a favore
... maybe someday every-
a one of you can do-a de
favore for me. I-a runna
this council... right or
wrong! But I-a digress.
So-a come on out &
vote this-a week. It'sa
not-a difficult, and it-a
lends that-a feeling of-a
de democracy to the SUS.
I always-a told Papa I
would-a do everything to
make this society-a
legitimate.
control minds of UBC denizens for Walt Disney; part of
takeover. Intention was to
build Nightmare Theme Park.
Fell through. Students became
paranoid, xenophobic, uncontrollable. Cleanup and disposal too difficult, though
Physical Plant workers
immune. Worms have been
breecfingevef since.
Worm density varies from
place to place on campus.
Especially bad near the Math
and Chemistry complexes, and
some interior CompSci
facilities.
Buchanan area largely
unaffected. May be some
natural defense. Maybe
worms don't like snacking
between meals.
Next Time:
Elvis explains
re-incarnation
REMEMBER:
Those of you who
wish to place ads
in the 432 must
provide our office
with a copy or
mock-up by Tuesday before printing
day.
That means the
next deadline is
October 15.
And don't forget
that ads are FREE
for Science clubs
and constituents... Page Eight
The Four Thirty-Two     Version 5.02   •   October 7,1991
NATIONAL CHEMISTRY WEEK: October 21-25
Brought to you by the Chemistry Society of Canada
MONDAY/21
What can you
do with a
Chem degree?
12:30 lecture
Chem D300
TUESDAY/22
Department Tours
for High School
Students
WEDNESDAY/23
OPEN
HOUSE
Chem D228
THURSDAY/24
Chem Magic
Show!
Chem B150
Admision by
donation
FRIDAY/25
GARDEN
Chem D263
SCIENCE SALES PRESENTS
Entertainment' makes
the difference between
paying full price and
getting a 50% discount
on almost everything.
Only:    S43.00
For more information call:
SAVE ON
THE BEST OF
EVERYTHING
Dining • Movies • Theatre
Sports • Hotels • Travel and more.
SCIENCE SALES : CHEMISTRY ROOM 160
i
1   U6C      '
foox>    tr
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fBrW

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