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[Bon voyage letter to Katherine Olivia Kinney of Albany, New York] Gardiner, David Dec 1, 1925

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  DAVID LUPTON'S  SONS COMPANY
PHILADELPHIA
office/of vicepresident December 1st
ENGINEERING -t f\ r\ £*
SAUES 19 2^
Dear Kay:
I can think of three possible reasons why-
anybody writes to anybody who is going away; one is
that he are glad to get rid of her, another that he
envy her, and the third is that he wish her well.
You never have been any trouble to I - reason
$0. 1 is out.  I never fancied going around anybody's
world with my ovm aunt, though the aunt proposition
has fairly definite possibilities, provided the selection part of it were unlimited. Being unacquainted
with your fortunate companion, and judging the thing
from a general standpoint in the cold light of raw
reasons, I would say, judicially, that No. 2 is
ausgegangen. Thus, by a process of elimination, we
arrive at No. 5* Which is what.
I am prompted to do a special bunch of well-
wishing because of the utterly ultra optimistic way in
which I became apprised of it.
Scene - The Parlor Chez 01Brien
Dramatis Personae - Mr.
Mrs.
Me
Mrs* (Rhetorically), MYou remember Kay, don't you?"
Me (Crossing my knees - yokelly), "I sure do.M
Mrs. (Following up her advantage), "She is going around
the v/orld - sails Thursday with her aunt.*4
Me (After bhakespeare), riHot dorg I That111 be great."
Mr. (Brightly), MtTwill be if she comes back*11
Mrs. (Reproachfully), "Why, Harry IM (Accent on the last
two syllables.)
Me (Scenting scandal), "Sheiks, perhaps."
Mr. (Setting in his chair - that setting which portends
a tale), "I can't help thinking of a friend of mine. He - 2 -
had a daughter - a charming girl. He gave her
everything - educated her at Syracuse."
Me (Soto voce), "How rash."
Mrs. (Shaking her foot), "What did you say?"
Me (Surprised), "Nothing."
Mr. (Swallowing hard at the interruption), "When
she got thru there, he felt she needed more polish.
He wanted her to see the world. He sent her to
the Mediterranean.  She went to Egypt.  She^s still
there."
Me (Displaying Pepsodent), "Like the place?"
Mr. (Dramatically), "No - dead."
Mrs. (Rerniniscently), "Why, HARry!"
Me (Repetition for emphasis), "Sheiks?"
Mr. (Dispassionately), "No - typhoid."
Mrs. (Faintly), "Why, HARRY 1"
Me (Clutching at a straw), "Was her aunt with her?"
Mr. (Thinking hard), "Somebody was."
Mrs. (Elusively), "WHY, Harry I"
Me (Hopelessly), "Well, it looks bad for Kay, because
to go around the world one stops at typhoid - I mean
Egypt - I*ve been reading pamphlets. But I believe
that a Rensselaer County constitution can stand anything, particularly with an aunt to help it."
Mrs. (Resetting her grins), "Why, David I"
Mr. (Sighing a sigh), "Well, I hope so, (sigh #2)   I
certainly hope so.
Thus, most hilariously, did I first hear
of your departure. Thus, amid paeans of Thanksgiving
(it was the day after) and Hymns of hope, did I learn
of your good fortune. Thus, ana thus only, am I
brightening your parting hour with these well-chosen
words of cheer.
From my limited experience as a guest of
My Uncle (Sam), I learned several important things - 5 -
which may be of use to you. To wit:
English water is dangerous - drink Scotch.
French water is dangerous - drink cognac.
German water is dangerous - drink schnapps.
Italian water is dangerous - drink bastanti.
  water is dangerous - drink    .
(Fill in blanks for countries I haven11 been in.)
# bastanti means enough - use your own judgment.
Incidentally, the world*s best seasick
remedy is celery and champagne, and that is no bunk.
You have probably been advised to look
over more places than you could visit if the trip
lasted until Labor Day, instead of April.  But if
you lie over on the Riviera, take a tip from a
presuming crusader and ride the narrow gauge railroad from Nice to Digne and back.  It is an overnight trip, staying at a little inn at Digne where
they fill your alimentary canal most delightfully.
That's not the main object of course - the scenery
in the Maritime Alps is what one goeth for - but
the filling station isn't so bad.
There is one other suggestion - as one
romantically-repressed cuss to another - and that
ends those.  If you desire to drive the Chrysler
between the big concrete posts again a free woman,
look out for Nice under two conditions, viz:-
1. Sunset
2. Moonrise
Fortunately for me, I witnessed both with
your erstwhile boyfriend Mackey and even with him
was romance rampant within me, which is why I slip
you the friendly tip. The Mediterranean is poison
to single blessedness under them conditions.
Hence and consequently, however and be
that as it may, the Empress is about to do her stuff.
May she deal gently with you, may your hours be
pleasant, poetic, and polygamous, may yoti be
utterly immune to the bacilli maldemer, nostalgia
and typhosls. And someday after April, when the
Jordan - or her successor - meets the Chrysler - -k -
or what have you - on the road to the Lake Shore
House, may we pull up hub to hub, you broadened
by travel, I bent and well nigh busted by Philadelphia, and, after the count of three, depose
in unison.
"When I was on the other side ~,f
Until then, much good luck.
Sincerely,

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