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Utopian snapshots Kappele, Arthur James, 1876- 1909

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Array  .    myj*S.T*<M»UiJi q»W |imi ui   —i.'i%^
I    ¥ I
Self-Help Collection
^i_   Utopian Snapshots
Vancouver, B* C
By Evans & Hastings Copyright, Canada, 1909
by A. ]* Kappclc   PREFACE
I dorCt know why I am writing' this at all, I
have no excuse to offer, and I trust sincerely that
my readers, if there be any, will not ask for one.
My only object is to set down conclusions which I
have arrived at during a varied though short career.
All I ask of you is that you will read carefully
my attempt at authorship, and remember that all I
have said I honestly believe. It may not do any
good, but it cannot possibly do any harm, I do not
wish to offend anyone, nor do I wish to suggest that
anyone is better than anyone else. If you will remember these few statements, probably you will be
more able to appreciate the humor I was in when I
dictated, perhaps too hastily, in some ways, what
A, J. K,
Flack Block,
Vancouver, B, C,
December, igog. ik
Honesty        .         .                  .        .        .        11
. •      .        37
Good Fellows
Business Men
Trade Unions and Strikes
The Man who Drinks
The Water Wagon
Dollar Umbrellas
Life         .
As to Liquor
9 ^■1
IS   »
" I'll prove mine honor and mine honesty."
—Shakespeare : " Comedy of Errors" V,
" It is not honesty in me to speak
What I have seen."
—Shakespeare: " Othello" IV., z.
(Honesty means being right in
everything to everybody.)
Most men who are honest, are honest
because there is nothing else for them to
be. Now, a man, to my mind, is not
proved honest unless he has been placed
in a position where his honesty has been
tested. The man who has been "born
with a silver spoon in his mouth" deserves no credit for being, or appearing
to be, what the world would call or
think, an honest man; while the man
who, instead of being born under such
11 Utopian Snapshots
favorable conditions, has been "up
against it" ever since he went out into
the world by himself to seek his fortune,
and has had all kinds of hardships to
meet, and temptations to overcome, and
who, finally, has landed on his feet—
square with the world—is, to my mind,
«£»      «$»      .$♦
It is a very simple matter for a man
with a balance in the bank, and with
nothing to contend against, to be
"honest."—To be really honest you first
must be dishonest.
«§»      «$»      «|»
Personally, I would rather shake
hands with a man whom I knew was
guilty of stealing from another man,
and thereby bringing himself within the
provisions of the Criminal Code and
liable to punishment, than with some of
12 Honesty
the men I know and see walking along
our streets. The latter are not in jail,
nor do they steal, nor have they been
guilty of any offence covered by the
Code, but many of them are guilty of
worse things than most of the acts covered by the provisions of our Code.
«$* «§» «|»
Stealing, and criminal actions of a
like nature, mean only dollars and cents,
while other things, such as making or
repeating nasty or contemptible statements about other people, abusing one's
wife and a number of other matters not
necessary to mention, are not covered
by the Code. The last things that I have
mentioned are obviously worse than
stealing, robbery, or anything of that
kind, for the reason that even the worst
robber is satisfied some time that he has
had enough, but on account of want of
intelligence   or   on   account   of   other
13 Utopian Snapshots
things which he does not know, he comes
to the conclusion that he has to steal to
live. However, even then, he does not
steal all the time. The other acts, however, which I have mentioned and which
are not covered by the Code, are continuous and uninterrupted.
The criminal is commonly understood to be a person who brings himself
within the provisions of the laws of our
country, which, for the purpose of convenience, we call the Criminal Code.
This, of course, is an erroneous definition of Criminal, because it must also
include everyone who does anything
wrong, or, following out my idea, is dishonest. Having that in view, the only
conclusion that I can come to is that
we are all criminals. This, perhaps, is
a very large statement to make, but is,
nevertheless, true.    What I mean is,
14 Honesty
that, although some of us do things
which are wrong and which are covered
by the Code, all of us do things absolutely wrong which are not covered by
the Code, and, therefore, we are all criminals in the correct sense of that word;
still we escape the stigma and physical
punishment which those violating the
terms of the Code have to suffer.
To be more explicit, a man who does
wrong things not covered by the Code,
is not only dishonest and a criminal, but
is also a coward. He is dishonest because what he does is wrong, and he is a
coward because, in his case, there is no
punishment for his offence. ||
The ordinary criminal who is in jail
because he has stolen, or has committed
some like offence, takes some chances.
Utopian Snapshots
The man who slanders a neighbor, or
who abuses his wife, thinks that he is
taking no chance, and therefore he is a
coward. I say "thinks," because in
some cases, of course, he is liable.
Just here, I want to point out that a
man can lock his goods and chattels up
and, if he can afford it, can guard them,
but no one can lock up happiness, nor
honor, nor reputation.
Murder, of course, is covered by the
Criminal Code, but there are many
things that happen in private life which
are really worse than murder, and which
the Code does not and cannot possibly
cover. I do not think it necessary for
me to enlarge further on this particular
idea. Offences covered by the Criminal
Code are properly covered, and I am
16 Honesty
not suggesting that the Code is too
stringent. It is not stringent enough.
The thing I am trying to convey is that
we must be better ourselves—and not
think so badly of the other fellow whom
we think is worse than we are ourselves.
Generally speaking, my opinion is,
that, leaving out cases covered by the
Criminal Code looking towards preservation of life, moral action, and common decency, we should go slowly and
remember that we all have faults; some
of a minor nature affecting only ourselves, and some of greater proportions
affecting, not only ourselves, but our
acquaintances and friends.
♦&»        «?»        ♦£»
Further, my opinion is, that honesty
does not entirely consist in "not doing
things,'' but also in J1 doing things. 1f  No
17 Utopian Snapshots
one has the right to think that because
he has not done things which he
ought not to do, he is, on that account,
honest. Honesty does not arise from a
passive state. To be thoroughly honest
you must take the initiative—in other
words, you must 11 do things.' 1 Technically speaking, if a person does not do
anything which could possibly injure
anyone else, and does not do anything
to hurt himself, he may be considered
honest. Honesty, however, in the real,
true and fullest sense of the term, means
more than this. In order to be really
honest, a man must not only not do
things to hurt anyone else or himself,
but he must, according to his circumstances and according to the advantages
which are at his disposal, do everything
in his power to help others. Some men
think that if they do not do mean things
they are doing all that an honest man
fl Honesty
should do. My opinion is, that a man
who does not do anything is worse than
a man who does wrong things. "Doing
things" requires thought, and when a
man thinks, he is safe. Not doing anything is unhealthy.
Don't think because you are able to
have a whole automobile to yourself that
you are as good or as happy as the man
who walks with his wife and children
along our streets. ■   >    ■
Some men in the Asylum think they
are someone else. They are honest.
Tou do not think you are someone else,
but you try to make people think that
you are.   Don't do it.  JJ
«§»     «§»     «§»
Do not be an actor unless you intend
to go on the stage and make it your
business,   because   then   you   do   not
19 I.
Utopian Snapshots
deceive people, they know that it is
your business; and the better actor you
are, the more money you make, and in
this case it is legitimate. "Play the
game;'' tell the truth; act the truth; do
what is right.
♦      ♦      ♦
One of our judges once apportioned
property between two brothers by making one of them divide and giving the
other first choice. This judge knew
human nature. Perhaps it is hardly
necessary to mention the fact that the
two brothers never spoke to each other
afterward, because each only got his
proper share.
«§»      «|»      .§»
A man dies, and, before he is cold,
his estate is wound up, and if there is
any chance, there is a lawsuit before the
time is over for wearing mourning.
20 Honesty
Less crape—and weeping—and more
honest, decent regret for our loss would
look better.
«|» «£» «£»
If you steal, it is wrong—and—you
are liable to punishment; but remember
this, that there is still hope for you, but
not for financial corporations that never
intend to return anything, and have no
«$» «£» «S»
I don't want to be misunderstood:
you must not steal; but if you make one
mistake, don't think it is all off with
you—use vour brains, and—don't do it
«§»      .£»      «§»
We ought to be judged, not by our
acts, but by our temptations.
Doing good; having a poor memory
concerning other people's faults; a good
mm Utopian Snapshots
memory concerning their good qualities; "giving the Devil his due;" and
spending part of each day in helping
the other fellow, carries out my idea of
Christianity and honesty.
«$» «£♦ «£»
A man should learn to listen, not to
talk. A man never learns anything by
talking, sometimes he does by listening.
♦     ♦     ♦
Do not do things because other people may hear of it and laud you; "keep
it dark," and if you are honest you will
be happy. Mean men do not do things
unless they can tell every one about it.
If you feel that way, don't do anything.
Do something good, don't tell anyone—then—if you are satisfied—and
happy—you are honest.
Many   people    give    to   charities
22 Honesty
because they are informed that their
names and the amount they have subscribed will be published in the daily
papers; and when they do appear in the
paper, although the magnate's name
appears first, don't worry about your
name being last and your subscription
being small, because when a record is
made of this in Heaven the list is turned
upside down—and you are first then—
|' The last shall be first."
Other people send flowers to dear ( ?)
deceased friends for the same reason.
Of course, wedding presents are not in
this class, because the donor himself expects some day to be married.
«|» «|» «|»
You cannot be a perfect judge of
another man's faults and weaknesses
unless you have experienced the same
faults and temptations.
Do not stick your chest out when at
23 Utopian Snapshots
heart you are a cad. Do not pad your
shoulders. Be clean yourself; true to
yourself; and the rest will follow.
«i»      «§»      «$♦
Do not be afraid to confess to wrong
thoughts and deeds. A man is a coward
morally and intellectually when he is
ashamed to admit doing things that we
all know all men do.
Do not wear a mustache because
you have a weak mouth. Do not wear
clean linen and forget to wash—much
better be clean and wear dirty linen.
Experience is everything; you learn
more by making mistakes than by
always doing things correctly. The first
is an incident; the latter a coincidence.
Being thoroughly honest is being
what God meant us to be. Some people
think that being honest is what man
24 Honesty
says they have to be.   (Criminal Code.)
Pat met a friend one day, who said
to him: |I Will you have a drink 1'' Pat
answered: "Begorra, I know a hundred reasons why I should not, but I
can't think of one of them now." Then,
of course, he had the drink—and—Pat
was honest.
«$♦      «$»      «$♦
Good workmanship is the highest
type of honesty, for the reason that it is
easy for a man who is a mechanic—to
deceive the public. It is much easier
for a man who is a skilled mechanic to
turn out articles, although good, which
are inferior to what he could turn out
than for a tradesman to give short measures and weights, or to sell diseased canned goods. Therefore, I say, good
workmanship is the highest type of honesty.
25 fp
i 1
II iii
Utopian Snapshots
Show me a mechanic who does his
best all the time, and I will show you a
man who does not beat his wife or talk
about his neighbors.
♦      ♦      ♦
Show me a man who puts poor
material in a house and covers it over
with plaster and sells it for more than it
is worth, and I will point out to you a
man who has bad material in his own
composition, but with him the difficulty
is that the plaster is too thin and you
can see the teredo and worm-eaten slats
out of which he is constructed.
«|» <£» «$.
Don't think because you have a large
house and give "evenings" and "five
o'clock teas" that you are better than
the butler who waits on you.
«£» «$♦ «|*
When you acquire money, if your
name was "Smith," don't print your
26 Honesty
cards " Smythe.''   Don't waste
printer's ink in trying to deceive your
superiors—you can't deceive; of course
you can pay for your ink.
Don't sit up all night figuring out
how you can go one better than your
neighbor who has an "honest" husband
—better engage a tutor and learn that
the verb "to be" takes the same case
after it as it does before it.
Please don't say "it is me" just because you are wearing a sealskin jacket
purchased by your husband's employees. M
Don't say "was you" and then tell
your "would-be friend" how awfully
common some one else is.
*$*      *$*      *§*
Some people think it clever to ride
on our tram cars,—dodge the conductors
27 TfT
3S5SS5B533 '
I!    I
Utopian Snapshots
—and tell about it afterward. These
people are the most despicable of dishonest people. The offence, to my mind,
becomes greater as the amount involved
becomes less. Robbing a bank; issuing
counterfeit money, and things of this
nature require brains and nerve. In
cases of this kind a "dishonest" person
has to overcome the best brains money
can procure. Our banks have all the
protection which money and brains can
give them. Stealing five cents from our
railroads, however, or stealing an innocent umbrella lying unprotected in a
hat-rack, requires no brains and no
nerve and—no chance is being taken.
♦&♦ ♦$♦ «$»
Real estate men, owing to the business they are in, if clever, necessarily
become familiar and conversant with
the values of the property in the district
in which they are operating.
28 Honesty
How many, however, when a client
comes to them and lists his property for
$3,000, are honest enough to say it is
worth $5,000? None—well—very few.
If a lawyer "dished" out his brains in
the same cold-blooded, dishonest and
criminal manner, he would last about a
week—and then—go to jail.
Real estate agents had better become
honest soon—or—our jails will be full
—I mean this.
♦      ♦      ♦
It is a pity that rain is the cause of
so   many   dishonest   men — umbrella
thieves.   Of course rain is necessary—
but Nature must sometimes blush for all
the dishonesty she develops in human
kind. »
«§»      «|»      «§»
Doctors sometimes tell the truth and
send their well patients home; sometimes they tell the truth and worry a
sick man into his grave.
29 9PM
Utopian Snapshots
Don't be afraid to tell a falsehood if
it is going to do someone good and hurt
no one. In such a case the Recording
Angel debits you with a pencil mark
easily erased, and, at the same time,
credits you with a good act in indelible
It is much better for a physician to
tell all his patients that they are well—
and, in most cases, he would be only telling the truth—in the few other cases—
he is helping them to become well.
«§»      «i»     «§»
Ninety per cent, of all medical cases
are bogus. Of course some people would
not believe you if you told them they
were well, or that they were not sick.
However, if someone has to be dishonest
—let the "other fellow" be.
Some rich men—now old—commit
30 Honesty
the crime of chicanery by trying to bribe
the "jury" they will have to face in a
few years. I refer to men who establish
public libraries with their name on the
front door, and to men who leave vast
fortunes to establish homes for homeless
and sick dogs. They are all "dishonest," and—in their "second childhood"
have developed a sad sort of insanity.
The best I can do is to quote from our
Criminal Code:—"may God have mercy
on their souls." These men know they
have squandered too much to pay back
all they have stolen,—that accounts for
the libraries, hospitals and other huge
monuments—to themselves.
♦$♦ «£* «$♦
Any man who would "deliberately"
dodge a conductor to save five cents,
would steal candy from a child or coins
"off a dead man's eyes," if he were
really "up against it."   "Don't be an
31 '■ - J
Utopian Snapshots
ass because you have long ears," and
hear everything about other people's affairs and nothing about your own.
Some people are very careful to be
honest about other people's faults, but
lie themselves "black in the face" about
"Get busy"—reverse the order of
things—be honest about your own faults
—stretch a point when talking about
other people—say nice things about
them—or—don't talk at all.
«$»      ♦      ♦
A man whose occupation brings him
into touch with "dirty" things, soon becomes "dirty." A man who is dealing
and associating with honest people and
things, should become honest himself—
"Evil   communications   corrupt   good
Men who black ball men whom they
32 Honesty
do not know in the Club, are cads—
sometimes known as remittance men,
otherwise—black sheep who have no
brains—and are paid by their honest,
decent, intelligent parents or younger
brothers to stay away from home. Poor
Canada, becoming the "dumping
ground" for such unpedigreed curs!
Sometimes a dog which would have difficulty in tracing its family tree makes
an actor and does many clever tricks;
these men, however, cannot claim this
Get wise and try and forget you came
of a "good old stock"—for your ancestors' sakes. Do not say you are a
Duke's son, and walk the streets with
patent leather shoes with no socks in
«i»      «|»      «§»
Do not wear an eye-glass on rainy
33 Utopian Snapshots
days just because decent women try to
keep their skirts clean. Do not get
young girls in trouble and "lawf"—a
thirty-two is what you want. *f Twenty-
three" is good—but a smokeless thirty-
two is better.
Learn to look honest men in the face.
When you cannot—either consult a
physician or a lawyer—or—better still,
the superintendent of some well-
equipped lunatic asylum.
Don't drag a "good dog" by a chain
—because "Evil communications corrupt good manners"—and—'God help
the dog!' Do not borrow money and
tell your friends you have a cheque coming next week—when you know you owe
enough to wipe out your remittances for
the rest of your dirty career.
34 Honesty
Be decent; have a little respect for
yourself, for your parents and people—
who—unfortunately, have to sit opposite you at the dinner table and watch
you eat like a pig—with your knife. Do
not butt in for a drink—rather go to
some honest, decent "good fellow" and
he will "give" you a "V" if you are
clean and don't tell him you are the son
of some "lord."
♦      ♦      ♦
To add to my definition of honesty
at the beginning, the result which I now
arrive at is,—an honest man is a man
who, first having sufficient intelligence
to appreciate his duty toward himself
and others, does all in his power to
achieve the end that is right. A balance
in the bank is no certificate of honesty.
35 nffPF
"And the rib, which the Lord God had taken from the
man, made he a woman."
Genesis, II., 2,
There are two classes of women,
good and bad. There is also another
class which may be termed "unfortunate." This latter class includes both of
the first two classes. Good women
should remember this, and, if possible,
"Honest men" do more good for the
"good" women of the "unfortunate"
class than "good women" do.
Good women should get busy and
"do things." II
A fallen man or an ex-convict can
get work; an unfortunate woman,—God
help her! so far as her "good" sisters
are concerned.        ft
I w
Utopian Snapshots
Enough said! Good women have a
lot of good work to do.   Get busy!
♦      ♦      ♦
I once heard of a woman of the lowest type of humanity who, hearing of a
poor family in distress, handed $25 to
an agent of hers to relieve the family
in question from their distress. Of
course, being honest she did not tell who
she was, and today the family relieved
at that time are prosperous and do not
know that they owe their prosperity to
what I would call a very low type of an
immoral woman.
«S» «$» «£»
No woman was ever yet so good that
she could not be better.
The ivorst, as a rule, may become the
best—if—the best are good and kind to
the worst,—think—and—Act.
"Though he did not draw the good fellows to him
by drinking, yet he eat well."
Good fellows are men of many parts,
most of them good, some of them foolish, but none of them bad.
m Men who are not "good fellows" are
men of few parts, hard to describe, hard
to meet, hard to "shake," and difficult
to get along with. ||
A good girl will live happily with a
"good fellow;" and be miserable all her
life,—if she is square,—or get a divorce,
if she marries a "good man."
«|* «£» «£»
Good men "happen"—but—they do
not exist; "good fellows" live.
39 Utopian Snapshots
If I am the head of a house and have
a sister or daughter, I will endorse a
"good fellow" for a husband for her.
If he be only a "good man," who
does not smoke, or drink, and who carries his Bible under his arm (in sight),
I will look for weaknesses not pinned on
his coat. He is, to my mind, no good,
and dangerous.
Experience is the test.
"Good fellows" are the result of a
large expenditure of money—on other
people. Other people are composed of
"good fellows" and "fellows." "Eel-
lows" are, after all, only a source of
amusement to "good fellows"—this is
true. Spend all your money on him and
then when he gets rich—he doesn't
know you—you ought to be glad.—You
are glad.
"To heap enormous riches, honestly if he can."
—Knox : ' f Winter Evenings,"
"Get money; still get money, boys;
No matter by what means."
—Ben Jonson : "Every Man in His Humor," II,, j.
Money breeds germs of dishonesty,
immorality, and every known vice. It
is dangerous to handle, easy to get and
hard to get rid of. §
Mean men are more often the result
of successful money-making than of
hardship. A man really has to be mean
to make money. He has to look at the*
five-cent pieces, and when a man is continually looking at small things he soon
becomes small himself. Every time he
makes a dollar the other fellow loses
one.   It is a good game, but poor people
41 Utopian Snapshots
should not be forced into it by selling
them shares in bogus companies, and
by paying them less than they earn
while working for the \\ dealer.'' A man
is always worth what he can make; he
should be paid for what he does. Results count—and the employer should
pay, not what the poor fellow will take,
but what he is entitled to.
«i»      «|»      «$»
The richer a man gets the meaner he
becomes and the further away he gets
from true happiness. One fortunate
thing is, that when a man gets richer, he
has to look for bigger fish, so really all
we do is to give him his start.
♦      ♦      ♦
Making money becomes a disease,
and when one is diseased—there is
something wrong. He forgets, in his
bad attacks, that the other fellow has a
disease, too, but that his is an ailment
42 Money
of ill-health brought on by overwork and
want of proper nourishment.
Some people think that because they
have not spent anything, and in that
way have become rich, they are better
and more honest than a grocer, for instance, who does not put sand in his
sugar, or a milkman who leaves the
adulteration to the "honest" cow. In
fact, rich men ought to be afraid of their
future state if these two men are on the
jury which some day they will have to
face. fj
The only really good thing money accomplishes is when money meets money
and there is a "knock out."
«|» «£» «£»
Money spoils professional men. Instead of lawyers and doctors taking
43 p
Utopian Snapshots
their enjoyment out of the sometimes
intricate and complex cases which coine
before them, many lose sight of the
real idea and prostitute their profession
by taking up cases which should not be
brought, and by refusing to take up
cases which ought to be brought, because
there is no money in sight.
♦     ♦     ♦
Ambulance "chasers" cannot last,
and are dishonest. Better kick a man
out of your office than pull him in.
Make people come to you—don't go to
them. Clients "caught" sometimes
wake up, and then you lose.
Most men do not like having ideas
forced upon them. If you are a good
man and a clever physician or lawyer,
don't tell anyone that; they will find
it out—slow but sure.
Of course if you are clever enough
to force your opinions without the other Money
men knowing it (like a card sharp)—
don't do it. A man who "does" the
other fellow because he has more brains
is dishonest.   1
Don't break up families for the sake
of costs; point out their mistakes and
cement friendship.
A friend of mine once asked concerning another "man" if he had any
money, and the answer which I was
forced to give was that "he has all he
ever saw." Figure this out for yourself.
This is very much like a man who
was proud to state that "he never refused a drink in his life but once, and
that time he did not hear the other fellow ask him to have it."
«i»      .§»     «$♦
"Gentlemen" play poker, and be-
4M Utopian Snapshots
cause sometimes they lose they tell each
other truths, and then there is trouble.
I am sorry for this class of men, but
you all know them—if you don't, join
some of our clubs.
Some shallow, small, narrow-minded, dishonest men will take you out to
dinner and then insure your life or sell
you the poor end of a "goat" farm.
Sometimes, even, you do not get the
dinner, and the victim is a poor girl
earning her living in a store and supporting her widowed mother.
Sometimes you list your property
with a real estate agent to sell, and he
buys it himself through a dummy, and
sells the same day at a large profit—to
Some men buy things on credit, sell
them for cash,—and then assign.
46 Money
Other men transfer all their property to their wives or a friend, and then
jump into business, incur all kinds
of liabilities and—go into liquidation.
Some clever men borrow money at
6 per cent., giving the poor, conservative fellow a mortgage on the property,
which he buys to secure repayment.
"Heads I win; tails you lose."
A "poor" man dies and everyone
misses him, because he became poor by
being a "good fellow." A rich man
dies, and the only people who are sorry
are those left out of his will.
Poor men do not have to be introduced to their children,—they see them
occasionally, and their neighbors know
hotv many there are in the family. Rich
men often do not know their children,
and sometimes have to be introduced.
The worst feature of money is that
once you have sufficient you have a code
47 I
Utopian Snapshots
(criminal) of your own. The only section of the Criminal Code left then is
the section referring to culpable homicide, and even that section "Thaws" before the hellish heat of the power of
«|»        4»        *
The richer a man becomes so is he
the more immune from punishment, and
the poorer a man becomes, the more
readily the police get busy, and the more
unjust judgments are handed down by
small-salaried and inexperienced magistrates, who, not having any knowledge
of human weaknesses, are not fitted to
act as judges in the kind of cases that
come before them—-or at all.
♦      ♦      fjj»
Money disbursed for experience is
a good investment.
Most men who drink have brains and
are generally thoroughly honest, but
48 Money
few of the men who arrest the drunkard
and send him down, or fine him $2.50,
and costs, have any.
I have thought it might be better
sometimes if the fine were divided between the man who imposes the penalty
and the officers who arrest (the drunkard), because then they might soon be
in a position to buy something which
they, apparently, have not previously
had, namely, experience.
If you are a solicitor or doctor, do
not let your client or patient make you
dishonest. Do not be afraid to send
him somewhere else. Some men have
such a small sense of honor that through
association, if you are not careful, you
will soon become dishonest and poor as
A man can always play his own game
better than the other fellow's.
Everyone knows a lawyer makes a
49 \
Utopian Snapshots
poor business man, and when a lawyer
proves himself a good business man—
watch him—and consult another solicitor.
Do not work for nothing if the other
man can afford to pay. Make him be
honest and pay. Do not let him defraud
you; rather, send him to another solicitor.
I am not a Socialist,—in fact,—if
my arguments are followed carefully,
you will see that I absolutely and honestly think that we ought to feel thankful that we do not belong to what I call
the "rich class."
Be poor, and, when you have lived
to a comfortable, healthy old age, die
with your children around you, rather
than be a lonely millionaire with five
expert physicians prolonging your mis-
erable, unhealthy existence, only to die
leaving your estate to distant relatives,
50 Money
because you have been too busy to provide yourself with an heir; and then it
is not over, for you certainly have settlements to make later, and the more
money you have accumulated, the longer it will take you to square yourself.
Be glad if you are poor and healthy;
be sorry for the rich man; and envy no
man. :|§: .
Give what you have, let the other
fellow keep what he has, and you will
be happy*
"Money talks." This is an old saying—it does—but it is dirty talk—and
when the money goes—so does the talk.
In this case brains and money are married; that is, when it talks, but, unfortunately, when money goes there is no
divorce, and brains must go with it.
«i»      «i»      «i»
Plutocrat—One who has power or
influence through his wealth.
51 I
Utopian Snapshots
Plutonian—Of or pertaining to
Pluto, or the "lower regions," subterranean, dark, Hell. This last is true
but not a quotation.
Plutocrats—Rich men — donators
of libraries and other useless and uneatable things. (Don't talk about or give
anything you can't eat.) Think it over
—you have brains—but put your head
under a clean tap and think clean
"Pastime and business both it should exclude."
—Co wper : * * Progress of Error,' *
"Again the merely PROFESSIONAL man is always a
narrow man.
—Burroughs: "Pepacton,"p. yo.
They have nothing to do but make
money. It is their business. They cannot possibly do any good for anyone else
or for themselves unless it is accomplished through the influence of the
money which they accumulate. No one
goes to them for advice; no one consults
them; all they do is buy and sell—commercial transactions. In this respect
business men are to be pitied, because
they are not in touch with human nature, and, therefore, do not know what
real happiness is.
53 II "
Utopian Snapshots
B A laborer never has any money, nor
has he any great ambition to become
wealthy, for the simple reason that he
is too busy earning Ms tlbee meals a
day to think of money or the worries at-
tachffd to it. Strange to say, however,
the laborer with his large family knows
more about true happiness than the millionaire. If this fact could be properly
appreciated, socialistic ideas would soon
vanish. ■£■''    §    IB     I     ^i^^^^B
«i*      «i»      «§»
H The really poor chap is not, as a rule,
the man who is no good. A man without
brains could never come under this
heading. If a man h|s no brains and
no ambition, he will not hesitate to use
a pick and shovel and thereby make his
three meals a day. The really poor man
is a man who was born, not to be poor,
but to be prosperous, but who, through
some   unfortunate   circumstance,    or
54 Business Men
through some special weakness, has lost
his grip, and, by degrees, his manhood,
and finally winds up a "poor man."
There are many men today who are
poor, who have more brains and more
ability than their neighbor who is rich,
and all they want is a helping hand—
mere temporary relief—and, in a short
time, they could lend money to their
neighbor. To illustrate this: I once
knew a man who formed a habit of requesting small loans. On one occasion
he asked for a quarter and I gave him
half a dollar, informing him that the
half dollar was twenty-five cents for this
time and twenty-five cents for the next
time. Needless to say, he never came
back for another loan, but started thinking, and today he is a prosperous man.
«$»      «$»      «$»
Be human to the other fellow, get
him thinking, for once a man's brain is
55 Utopian Snapshots
working, he is safe. No man ever yet
was a failure whose brain wTas really
active. As long as his brain is working,
no matter how inferior his brain may
be, he cannot be an absolute failure, and
the onlv limit to the extent of his sue-
cess is the limit of his brain power.
Worry has spoiled more men than
disease, and ninety per cent, of all worry
could be removed, without any cost,
by a man's friends. Do not think for a
minute, because everything looks rosy,
that you will always be in a position to
tell the other fellow that you "haven't
been introduced to him." One honest
man is as good as another. Honesty is
the test—not your business, profession
or calling. Tour nationality does not
count; your origin has nothing to do
with it; your color makes no difference;
56 Business Men
—if you are right and square and above-
board and honest—don't worry.
«i»      «$»      «$»
We are all actors. We all pretend
to be what we are not, and the only thing
that saves us is that we are all "in the
same box," and we all know it. We are
all dishonest the same as we are all, in
a sense, crazy, but the only thing that
keeps us all out of the lunatic asylum is
that we are all "in the same box."
When a man is sent to a lunatic asylum
it is because he gets worse than the rest
of us, and then we say he is "crazy."
This condition applies the same to our
sense of honesty. If it were possible
to imagine ten per cent, of any community to be thoroughly honest—the other
ninety per cent, would be in jail. Following this out logically then, the only
conclusion that one can come to is, be
as honest as you can (not as you can afford to be).
57 IVI
Utopian Snapshots
A Toast To Our Creditors.
Here's to our creditors, long may they
May their face ne'er waver, their trust
never wane;
May the Lord make them gentle and
gracious and gay,
Yet quick to resent the least offer to
May He soften their hearts as he soften-
ed, we're told,
To the Israelites' touch the Egyptian of
And when on their last long account
they shall look,
The Angels will say, as they close up
their book:—
The Lord gives you credit for credit
you gave,
So here's to our creditors, long may
they waive!
58 Business Men
I have never met one yet who would
not take interest on an overdue account
if the other fellow offered to pay it.
But most of them kick when they get a
bill from a solicitor or doctor for
brains—delivered. Even your wealthy
friends will do this—I hope mine will
read this.   lj
Business men are very unfortunate.
Of course a business man can be honest
and do things, but his opportunities are
not as great as those of a lawyer or
What monetary consideration can
pay for the saving of life or an eye or a
limb? What monetary consideration
can square an account in regard to an
honest solicitor who keeps husband and
wife and children together, instead of
accepting a retainer to divide the house
and ruin the children's future.
59 Utopian Snapshots
A laborer is happy because he is
healthy. He has no time to talk about
his neighbors or friends. Talking is a
bad habit, because when one gets
through talking about his own affairs
he is apt to seek new fields and begin
discussing matters concerning other
"One touch of nature makes the whole world kin."
—Shakespeare: "Troilus and Cressida," III,, 3.
Nature is correct always—she never
makes mistakes; is always on hand and
always performs her duties and functions; and everything in nature does
everything to help mankind to be good.
The closer you get to Nature, the
more honest you become; in other
words—try to be what God meant you
to be; do not act.
The only time Nature goes astray
is when we try to improve on her.
Be healthy; be honest; and do not
worry about the man who meets you today and tomorrow passes you on the
street. Let the other man worry, because there is something wrong with
him, not with you.
"Judges  ought to remember, that their office is jus
DICERE, and not jus dare; to interpret law, and not to
make law, or give law."
—Bacon : * * Essay of Judicature.''
"A perfect Judge will read each piece of wit,
with the same spirit that its author writ."
—POPE: "Essay on Criticism," 233.
Judges are not made. They are
born, but then—they have to get busy
and learn things.
Judges dealing with civil cases only,
do not have to know much—they cannot
hurt anyone very much—excepting
through their pockets, which is the least
harm they can do to litigants. This is
fortunate. J|
Criminal judges, however, are different. There are not many criminal
judges, and therefore they are hard to
M Utopian Snapshots
get (because they are clever and experienced), and when you get a good
criminal judge—keep him. Pay him
more than any judge on the bench dealing with civil cases only, because, in his
case, he deals with life and liberty.
Judges generally are not fit to hear
criminal proceedings; they do not know
enough; they try to be honest, and fail
because of lack of experience.
Better by far pick your man, pay
him a good salary and let him act on
criminal cases only.
Our system is open to the most
severe criticism, and some day the country will wake up and my idea will be
carried into effect.
"Whole droves of lenders crowd the bankers' doors,
To call in money."
In a way these men are in a class by
themselves, although in some respects
they are likened unto men working for
other large corporations. As a rule
they enter into the banking business
when they are very young and stay there
until they are old—in other words, they
become a part of the institution they
work for. They do things for the institution which they would not do for
themselves—what I mean bv this is,
they do mean things—small things, and
contemptible things, which if they were
requested to do in their own private affairs they would not do—I know what I
65 Utopian Snapshots
am talking about. The whole trouble is
that bankers—from the manager down
—become wedded to the institution
through the habit of being there, and
finally get into what is commonly known
as a "rut." Good men generally get
out of a rut. A rut is a bad place for a
man to be in. If he is a good man, he
will get out, and when he is out he
knows he is out. Men should remember
that while it is very easy to walk on a
level or roll down a hill, it takes a certain amount of physical exertion to
climb or get out of a rut. The words
themselves suggest action. A man who
stays in a bank is a man who, to my
mind, is not capable of vigorous action
or moral courage—in other words, he is
afraid to face the world on his own
merits and is happy in his own little
world, in his own little way, because he
draws his salary regularly—knows that
66 Bankers
he is sure of a job so long as he is willing
to do the dirty work which bankers, as
well as other men in large corporations,
have to do.
Some of our bankers visit our city
clubs regularly to see what their clients
are doing and how they are conducting
themselves.   They had far better stay
at home and read and learn something.
♦      ♦      ♦
Some of our bankers are very conceited. A conceited man is always a
man of little or no intelligence. So soon
as a man thinks he is better than the
other fellow, I prefer to meet the other
man. A really intelligent man of experience knows he is only a "unit," and
never yet have you seen him pass a
friend on the street, pretending to be
looking at something in a store window
where ladies' costumes are in evidence.
A conceited fop is not intelligent—he is
67 Utopian Snapshots
not honest—moreover he is a man "low
born," as they call it in Germany—
thinks he is "it"—acts like a school boy
in his first long trousers or a stiff hat
—in other words, he is narrow and a
"stiff."| |   . /;■
Bankers are a poor class of humanity. Bank clerks sometimes find themselves out and—get out. The fact remains that most of the clerks in the
banks today are young men—why?
Simply because they would not be there
if they were not young and inexperienced. When a man gets experience and
common sense he resigns.
The man who resigns from a bank
generally has more brains than the manager. The ordinary manager does not
resign, because he would be in the poor-
house if he did—unless depositors or
shareholders have been paying him an
68 Bankers
<\)f course this latter class are criminals, in the strictest sense of the term,
and while some of them do land in jail,
unfortunately some of them don't.     fj
Bankers are here today—tomorrow
they are "there," and when they die—
well—honest people don't see them
again.    \
II The honest man wants an overdraft
—the poor "slave" of a local manager
says "No."      ■■'§
He has no authority or mind of his
own; in fact, he has no mind. If he had
he would not be there.
How many managers of our banks
have any power ?—very few. They walk
on the street like "managers of a bank"
—they look the part—act the part—but
they are bogus, like bogus coin.
If a man be honest and can be the
head of a banking institution, the position which he would then fill would be
69 Utopian Snapshots
a good one, because it requires brains;
in fact, he is the bank.
Sometimes you apply to your bank
for a loan. You are referred to the
bank manager, and, of course, after enquiring into your early history—how
many children you have—how much
property you have, and when you intend
to pay—he requests you to call tomorrow, wThen he says he will give you an
answer. Of course, you are much better than he is, even when you went into
the bank, but still you thank him, and
you try to make him believe he knows
something and is conferring on you a
favor—of course, you don't mean it—
if you are intelligent. Next day you
call in to the bank and you are informed
by the bank manager that he is sorry
that he cannot accommodate you, because he has received a wire—from a
$50 a month clerk at the head office of
70 Bankers
the bank—to the effect that "our policy
is changed."
Our Government should take this up
at the periodical revision of the Banking Act.   .      S;   -
In conclusion, all I wish to say is,
that bank managers should remember
that 90 per cent, of the men who come
in to see them are "honest" and more
intelligent than they are, and also, that
the fact that they are employed on a
small salary to do dirty work and to
misjudge human nature does not give
them the right or privilege of insulting
and being high handed with decent,
honest and intelligent men.
"Bank" and "bench" were originally the same word. Then, it follows
that a "shelf" is in the same category;
a shelf being a high bench—in other
words, a man in a bank is "on the
shelf.''  This term is used when you put
71 Utopian  Snapshots
things   away   to   lose—otherwise   not
worth discussing.
Sometimes    "bench"    or    "bank
means a piece of ground rising above
the rest and constituting a long acclivity, or an elevation of some other form.
In most cases a bank means "dirt" situated high—looking down—but—II dirt.' J
"Society became interested, and opened its ranks to
welcome one who had just received the brevet of 'Man of
—Hayward: "Letters" I ch., 2.
Very peculiar, absolutely dishonest,
all poor acting off the stage, full of lies,
conceit—and—money. iJGossip runs
rampant—slander fills the tea cups, and
sometimes men disgrace their sex by
becoming professional sandwich and
cake rustlers. For God's sake, let us be
men and women, and try and realize that
the best man is the man with brains and
not the man with a stiff hat, or a weak
mouth scarcely concealed by a light
mustache, nor the man who has his face
massaged or his nails manicured twice
a day. Be decent and sensible, and, of
course, honest. Take a bath like a
Christian; cut your nails yourself; hold
your own hands—because—sometimes
73 Utopian Snapshots
men of your class need their hands held
—but not bv decent women. Don't be a
fake—don't think because you have
stolen a bank account that you are good
enough to lace a decent and honest
man's shoes.
Too many people spend too much
money on too much gear, in order to
steal their way into a class to which they
do not belong.
What the word "society" means, no
one knows. A good, intelligent and honest man does not have to steal anything
—everything comes to him—and probably, after all, the true interpretation of
the word "society" is "a class of people, intelligent, decent and honest, who
are, on that account, in a class by themselves—a small class." This is probably
the reason why they say that "society"
is a "select class," because it is "small."
According   to   this   interpretation   of
74 Society
society, the class is small, unfortunately,
because there are so few people who
could justify it. However, judging
from the ordinary acceptation of the
word, "society" does mean this, and is
comprised of men and women who know
nothing and are nothing, but who have
something—that is—money. This is all
they have, and they may and will keep
it, because the money is dirty, and honest people are clean.
Be good and pay your tailor before
you buy a frock-coat.
Get busy—read intellectual books by
intellectual men—learn to be clean—
dress decently—lock up your silk hat
and your patent leather shoes, and forget about everything except being honest.
This is all true—so get busy and
worry—worry is good for you—sometimes.
"Freedom, hand in hand with labor,
Walketh strong and brave."
—John Greenleaf Whittier.
Perhaps I am bold in discussing this
matter—I know I am bold—in trying to.
Someone will have to be bold and discuss it some day.
Unions are good things. In the ordinary language, a "union" means "a
pearl of great beauty and value;"
sometimes it means "the state of being
united," or "conjunction," "coalition."
Again it means "concord." At any
rate, in all senses of the word, it means
strength. In other words, unions are
good things. They are not good, however, unless they have for their object
»7 1
Utopian Snapshots
—good things. If the idea of a union
is to get something for nothing, then
there is something wrong with the
union. No unions have been formed
with any ostensible objects but those of
unity and strength, and to insure equalization of rights. Unfortunately, however, for the class of men who find it
necessary, or expedient, to form unions,
there is always a very small class which
is superior to the rest of the members
of the union, but which is too lazy to do
the work which the legitimate members
of the union have to perform—these
men are the cause of many of our
strikes. They could not earn an honest
living with a pick or shovel, with a
trowel, saw, hammer, anvil or with any
other instrument of toil.
Be honest in all your thoughts, and
it will hurt you when you discover that
in some of the most serious strikes to
78 Trade Unions and Strikes
which our different countries have been
subjected, the "men behind the guns"
have been men of licentious and immoral habits, "smooth" hands, long
fingers and perverted brains. Be a
strong believer in a man's rights. Every
man is entitled to get what he earns,
but not what he can get. Wake up! It
is a very simple matter to get what is
coming to you. Go about it in the right
way; do not let the other fellow think
for you—particularly when he is a
jlcrook." Think for yourself; do for
yourself; get busy; act. Put your
"labor" leaders where they belong;
**hang them up," and you will find that
the ordinary crow, which is supposed to
be a scavenger, won't touch him. Do
not be like sheep led by a shepherd—
who—in your case—has—"horns."
Many strikes are proper—not only
proper, but advisable.    In many in-
79 1
Utopian Snapshots
stances it is absolutely necessary for a
laborer to use this form of persuasion.
He should not have to, but should be
able to get what is coming to him without placing his own and his family's
future in jeopardy.
This subject cannot be disposed of
here; it is too broad, but think it over—
use your brains—and think! Don't
imagine, because you use a pick and
shovel, that you are not as good or
better—than the professional man who
does not speak to you and who wears a
tall hat—sometimes a silk one—and
nothing under it.
Don't be a fool—you can buy them
all out—and still have a balance in the
bank—which "belongs" to you. Get
busy and think—it will not hurt you—
sometimes it does, but it is only because
you are using a force or muscle you
have not exercised—keep going—think
so Trade Unions and Strikes
—use your brains—and—don't worry
about the other fellow—worry about
yourself. Tour blue jeans are better
than the best broadcloth that money can
purchase—they are the trademark of
"honesty" and just dealing.
Tour dark hands are clean in comparison with the manicured hands of
many men with whom we "have to"
(but should not) shake hands. Tour
sweat-grimed face is honest, be it from
stoke hole, mine or workshop.
"He's in the third degree or drink, he's drowned : go
look after him."
—Shakespeare: " Twelfth Night" I., 5.
"In the mind of a temperate person, all lieth plaine
and even on everie side; nothing there but quietness and
—P. Holland: "Plutarch "p, 54.
This is a very difficult subject to
fcandle. Doctors know nothing about it
—3ss doctors—some of them do because
they drink. How can you discuss anything you know nothing about? Still
our wives and other women discuss it
and advise us. f§
Do not preach temperance—rather
force a man to drink, and make him
think and use his brains, and the difficulty is over.
83 Utopian Snapshots
A man who uses his brains will never
become a drunkard—of course you must
have brains. This is whv Indians and
men of low intelligence cannot stand intoxicating liquors.
A man who drinks is a good kind of
man to meet, because his bad habit
teaches him to forget—he does not want
to remember and—does not. One of the
worst kind of men you can meet is the
man you have spent the night with, and
who comes around the next morning to
find out, if possible, what happened and
recall many instances which you have
long since forgotten. Of course he does
not remember—neither do you. A poor
memory, in this case, stands to your
I really like to meet a drunken man,
because in vino Veritas, and sometimes it
saves you a lot of trouble and dinners
finding him out.   Some men say, "Oh,
84 The Man Who Drinks
well, he was full—forget about it." I
say—"He certainly was full, and I am
going to remember about it." The
trouble is—when a man is full or under
the influence of liquor, he is honest.
Some men cannot afford to be honest,
and, therefore, should not drink. Get
full and be honest!
Tou are much better off if intoxicated and honest, than sober and a
crook.       H"'-   |   ■
A man cannot be a successful drinker unless he be honest, because, when
drunk, his associates soon find out his
true character, and, if he is no good and
has no money, one "drunk" is all he
gets.   Do you follow me? |§
Wise women ought to be happy that
their husbands cannot find the kevhole
sometimes—-so long as they afterwards
find it without the help of a kind (?)
friend  who  brings  him  home   and—
85 Utopian  Snapshots
tells everyone about it. Think it over.
If I were a woman and attempted t®
get married—give me a man with &
flask in his pocket—with frroms-^-ratker
than the imbecile with the latest edition
M the Bible in his hand. The Bible,
k£ter all, is a collection of expediences
—not ideas. Read your Bible again and
you will find that all the men in the
Bible are men who had "experience."
1jj Gold cures'' and sanitarium devices
&!i*e only fit for a man who has no brains.
One thing is absolutely certain, that <m>
habit can be cured by outside help. If
you cannot do it yourself—give it up.
But you can cure it if vou think instead
of letting the other man think for yoia.
Taking the Gold Cure makes a man
weaker—because he admits to himself
that he cannot stop drinking and seeks
assistance—and "brains" elsewhere, in-
-stead of using his own brains and mak-
86 Tlte Man Who Drinks
ing rnjp his mtod that Ifife %(M stop if he
wants to. My own opinion is, that a man
who does not stop drinking when hfe
knows he is becoming addicted to the
habit, is a nian who does not waiit to
stop it. Stop yourself—do not let anyone give you advice—be -honest with
Men who drink come under different
headings: some are continuous drinkers
-arid are s6metimes called "habitual"
drinkers. These men, so long as they
mse their heads, will not hurt fiiem-
%elves; thMr stomachs, however, will
-suffer sometimes. Other men are
known as "periodicals;" in other words,
they do not drink anything intoxicating
for a certain period—and—then drink
everything in sight fofr a short time—
or—until their stomachs play out and
they finish their few pleasant days in
the hospital or at some hot springs to
87 Utopian Snapshots
get in shape for another round later on.
If Scotch is too strong for you—try
rye; if rye brings biliousness, don't
take it—try beer; if beer overcomes you
—sell your shares in the brewery,—try
ginger ale and "bitters"—really the
worst of all—but "temperate"—and
wind up by being a man with brains #nd
common sense. Don't eat more than
your system can decently dispose of—
learn to be able to drink like a gentleman.
A lot of men drink because they are
worried. Of course it is quite true that
some men do not have to be worried—
particularly if they want a drink. However, speaking seriously, if good men
with money really wanted to accomplish
good in the world, I don't mind telling
them that they can do so by taking a
little more interest in the drunkard and
finding out his trouble and removing
88 The Man Who Drinks
the trouble.   In many cases a few dollars will do it. * ■
Our present system, however, is, instead of helping the poor drunkard, to
call him up in the Police Court and fine
him. Of course the fine does not help
his trouble, because most of our troubles
are want of money—not having too
much; so that, after all, the poor drunkard whom we fine, under the erroneous
idea that we are thereby helping him
and the public in general, is kept a
drunkard by the negligence of magistrates—a fact which I have had occasion to refer to before. By organizing a
charitable institution, having for its
object the discovery of a reason for
drinking and, when possible, relieving
the mind of the man who drinks, good
work could be done, and the "temperance" talk would be forgotten. Tou
cannot force your opinions on men who
89 Utopian Snapshots
know more than you do. So, if you have
a heart and sympathize with the drunkard, and if you can afford it, help him
out of his trouble. It is a peculiar
thing, but, as a rule, a man who drinks
is a man with brains, intelligence and
a big heart. He has the brains, but,
unfortunately, he does not use them,
because, if he didt, he would not do what
he does.
m Of all bad habits I know—Gossip is
the worst. Of course men gossip some
—and when they do, their case is a very
sad and bad one. I know women do not
gossip—at least—I hope not. But give
me in preference to one who gossips—a
drunkard. More harm has been done
through gossip than through any of the
other habits and weaknesses to which
women fall heir. Some people will say,
"Oh, well, he drinks," and then go and
tell then? neighbor that ^Mrs. — 's
90 The Man Who Drinks
hat was made over from last year, because" she "recognized one of the feathers." Do not envy your neighbor; be
glad that she is happy and comfortable
and you will be happy and comfortable
If you fimd that, on account of time
on your hands, you have to do something, do not gossip—take to drink, because, in this case, although you may
hurt yourself physically, you are not
hurting anyone else. Drink, for a very
bad habit, is one of the best habits to
have, because it is peculiar in its effect.
Although a bad habit, it makes good
men—m long as the habit does not master the man.
Get busy and think, and, if you cannot help talking about other people,
keep eating ai|d drinking all the tiqae,
and then you cannot talk. Of course I
am not referring to the class of people
91 Utopian  Snapshots
who tell "confidential" friends something, and say, "Of course you will not
repeat this, because I do not like to
say anything nasty about him." When
you say this you try to fool yourself.
What you really mean is, if you are
honest,—"I am telling you this and I
want you to tell everyone you know."
Of course, as a matter of fact, the listener is just as bad a man as the one who
tells the story, and would tell everyone
anyway—and—does. m
Why not operate and remove the
I I thirst nerve ?'' The drunkard certainly has an inflamed nerve which requires
looking after—same with the man who
over-eats. Sometimes we call it I|habit' 1
—it is not—it is a diseased nerve—or a
spoiled nerve. Spoil anything or any
person and it or he is—no good. Do not
become spoiled—keep fresh and clean.
"One of the wheels of the WAGON wherein I was break,
so that by that means the other wagons went afore."
— Hackluyt : j\ Voyages," II,, 484.
Of course this expression is only
understood by "good fellows." The
meaning of the term is, that sometimes
a man who drinks, after using his
brains, makes up his mind that he
should not drink, and he gets on what
is called the "water wagon." The
"water wagon," of course, is known to
us all. I do not know who manufactured this term, but it is a good one, because water wagons are big things and
are hard to climb on. They are different from coupes—coupes are very comfortable and easy to get into with a low
step, and when you get in and the door
93 Utopian Snapshots
is shut you cannot get out until the
driver gets down and lets you out. The
water wagon has no cover | it is big and
clumsy; full of water and uncomfortable. As a rule, water wagons have no
place to put the whip—the coupe has a
receptacle for the whip—and the whip
does not, as a rule,—drop.
Good, brainy, honest men sometimes
get on the "water wagon;" they have a
hard time climbing on to the seat by
stepping on the axle—the top of the
wheel—and the dashboard, and pulling
themselves up by the rail which usually
surrounds the seat. These men are intelligent, brainy men, and they try their
best to get there. Sometimes they fall
off; other times the whip drops and they
get off to pick it up; this, of course, is
dangerous, for sometimes they do not
get back on the seat;—sometimes the
roads are muddy and slippery, and as a
94 The Water Wagon
man gets off the seat, he slips. Sometimes the weather is cold and the roads
frosty and full of ruts, and when a man
gets off he gets into a hole; he does not
stay there, however, because he is a good
man and intelligent; he gets out all
right—sometimes he is scratched and
bruised, and sometimes he gets a little
dirty, but, being an honest man and
healthy, his bruises soon heal,—the dirt
is washed off—and he again climbs on to
the seat.   If
Thef (water wagon " is a very homely
expression, open, however, to very
serious consideration; no one knows
anything about it except those who
drink; good women know nothing about
it—still they offer to grease the axles.
It should also be remembered that the
water wagon, as a rule, is drawn by a
very slow team of horses. Coupes, cabs
and other vehicles of a like description
i J0*.
Utopian Snapshots
are generally drawn by spirited horses
which travel fast. The water wagon,
on the other hand, is "pulled" by two
"old skates" which should be pensioned
or bottled up in a small bottle of glue.
What I mean is—the man on the wagon
finds his time hangs heavily on his
hands; there is nothing in life; no one
likes him; no one talks to him; and
when he passes another man on the
street, who is also on the "water wagon"
—although he may be a friend of his—
they do not bow to each other.
Life is a funny thing and made up of
many "water wagons"—but they all go
slowly; none of them have a receptacle
for the whip; the seat is built on an
angle—and—sometimes you slide—off;
the whip is too short to reach the poor,
miserable animals you are driving—and
—there you are. If you sit on the
wagon long—sometimes the water gets
96 The Water Wagon
stale—is not fit to drink. Be temperate
—don't be a total abstainer; don't let
the water get stale; don't drink too
much intoxicating liquor; be a man; be
honest; be intelligent; think, and you
will find that you can turn the tap and
that it has not become rusted or corroded, and the water which comes from the
tap will be pure.
Also remember that there never was
a water wagon drawn by two poor
"skates" of horses which was not all
the time driving up-hill—and, at that—
a five per cent, grade; roads muddy;
horses unshod; lines weak; whip too
short; axles ungreased; and everything
rotten—believe me.
"It never rains but it pours."
—Old Proverb.
This is a study. I have taken many
lessons, and here I am—in the rain—
wet. Why is it—that no one owns an
umbrella? By this time everyone
should have one, and I cannot imagine
what becomes of them. Do manufacturers have agents who could explain their
disappearance ?     .
Surely, no one else would be so cheap
—everyone cannot be dishonest—but,
again, why is it?
A Scotchman was once asked by a
companion for a match—the companion
took the match which was kindly loaned,
and then he discovered he had no tobacco—he, however, had a pipe—but the
Scotchman, after removing his pipe
from his mouth, remarked:   ' ? Then you
99 0Slb
Utopian Snapshots
will no need the match"—and took it
back. -        H
But surely more innbrellas have disappeared than is necessary to supply
the whole of Scotland—where do they
go to ?
A friend of mine one rainy day
found himself without an umbrella.
Walking up the street he met a friend
who was, so far as an umbrella was concerned, well supplied.
My friend looked at the umbrella
and remarked that he was looking for
his. This was enough—and the transfer
was made—of course, it was not his.
Whose was it?—I don't know—neither
did my friend, nor his friend.
I wonder if this explains the dollar
umbrella ?
If we had to stand our good name
like an umbrella in a rack or in a corner of a room, how long would we have
it ?  I can only guess—I don't know.
100 Dollar Umbrellas
Many men are sent to jail for stealing a loaf of bread when the wife is
sick—starving—and still the dollar umbrella belongs to any person who is too
mean to buy his own.
Boys, be honest in small things—and
you will never have any difficulty in
finding the keyhole when you try to open
the gates, the lock of which cannot be
Most people think when they buy a
dollar umbrella it is safe—nothing is
safe with a dishonest man—nothing too
cheap to steal—he is small himself, and
likes to associate with small things.
He has not the courage to rob a bank
—or to hold up a train—this is too big
for him—he won't take a chance.
If I have to sit down to dinner with
a thief, give me the train robber or a
bank safe-breaker rather than the dollar umbrella thief!
101 Utopian Snapshots
The former, at least, put their life
and liberty in jeopardy and have brains
—the latter have no brains, and why
they need an umbrella—I don't know,
for when it is up—there is nothing
under it. ■#.
Think it out—be satisfied with what
belongs to you—and if it rains, get wet,
for in so doing you will at least become
In ordinary language, an "umbrella" is a shade, a cover, a cloak. These
definitions, however, really only apply
to the man who "takes" the umbrella.
A man who steals an umbrella requires
all three.
I think the word "umbrella" (thief)
originated from the word "umbre," a
bird which preys upon frogs and small
fish, and which embellishes its nest with
anything bright and glittering it can
"pick up,"—or from "umbral," meaning "shady."
"I care not a fig for the cares of business;
Politics fill me with doubt and dizziness."
—Robert W. Buchanan: iiHugh Sutherlands Pansies"
A hide-bound man or a hide-bound
politician is one of two things—either
a man of little or no intelligence, or dishonest. If he be not intelligent, he
should not vote at all, unless and until
he has read and studied of and concerning the vital questions involved in the
vote about to be cast. If dishonest—
get honest. In the meantime—when you
meet this class of men, keep your hands
in your pockets and do not wear valuable jewelry. Of all the miserable,
contemptible, unreliable and idiotic
specimens of humanity—give me the
man who votes Conservative or Liberal,
103 Utopian Snapshots
Republican or Democrat, just because
Adam, whom he "claims" as a relative of his, was once a Republican or a
Conservative. These men should be disfranchised. Of what use is the vote to
a man who does not know how to use it ?
The suffragette—thinks. These women
are taking notice of things; of course,
they are "raising Cain," but unless
"men" wake up, read, learn, use their
brains, and vote intelligently—some day
our trousers will be decorated with
"frills." |
Party lines are comfortable for
men who have no brains; they do not
have to think; all they have to do is to
decide whether they are Conservative or
Liberal, Republican or Democrat, and
then—the "machine" does the rest.
The "machine" is their brains—all cogs
and springs, but no reason or sense.
After all, our Province, Dominion or
104 Politicians
State is only a large company or partnership, and we are shareholders.
What we call our Government, is, after
all, only our board of directors, or—
speaking more plainly, our agents appointed or elected to carry out our
wishes concerning the welfare of our
country, be it j Province, Dominion or
State. I This, of course, cannot be contradicted. Then, does it not appear
ridiculous that we do not do what we
ought to do—what we would do in our
own private business or company to
which we belong—elect the best men
Small men, narrow men, cheap men,
close men, ignorant men, and unintelligent men are no good for big things.
Some people say, "Yes, he is close, but
he is honorable; look at the success he
has made of his own business."
This isIJ rot.''  Any man with ordin-
105 Utopian Snapshots
ary brains who is "close" in money
matters can accumulate a certain
amount of money by not spending.
Let us get down to facts. Forget,
when you go to the polls to cast your
vote, that you are Democrat or Republican, Conservative or Liberal, Whig or
Tory—use your brains—vote for the
best man. How many men on this hemisphere can "class" a Whig or Tory?
Very few—none.
Do not be a Republican if it means
"standing pat" all the time; do not be a
Democrat if it only means being a member of the opposition.    S!
A good definition of these different
terms for classes of ignorant or dishonest voters is given by one of our recognized encyclopedias:—"A Democrat is
one who supports, or is in favor of,
Democracy." This is good—clever—
means nothing—that is what "it" is.
106 Politicians
In other words, these different terms
mean "pro" and "con"—"for" or
C C *       9 9
-in    or
con -
I\ Government" or "opposition." This is rather
amusing, but is true, nevertheless—as a
matter of fact, the name "Republican
Party" formerly applied to the political
party in the United States now known
as the Democratic Party—think it out
—wake up! Thomas Jefferson was a
good man—a clever man, but, apparently, since his time we have all been as
sheep. Of course, we have been "sheared" many times, but we are still "bleat-
• 9 9
It is interesting to note that the
principles of the Republican Party were
based on "opposition to the centralization of general government"—in other
words, pro or con—f or or against—in or
This is a great game, but can only
107 .aasw
Utopian Snapshots
be participated in by men of brains,—
and the poor, ignorant and unintelligent
man should, before he "plays the
game," find out what the "limit" is.
Sometimes they play for "table
stakes;'' sometimes the game isf g open;''
but generally it is a game of "freeze
out." Do a little thinking—a lot of
thinking—and—even if you overwork
your brain for one night and your head
aches, don't worry—you will recover;
and when you come to, you will probably be pleased to find that you have
voted—once in your life—for an intelligent man.
Some men are hide-bound because
they want something:—young barristers want judgeships; young physicians
want to be appointed superintendents of
asvlums: some business men want to be
appointed inspectors of timber; periodical strike leaders are also looking for
108 Politicians
notoriety;—and-—some day they will get
it, but when their names appear in the
press, they will not be in the social column—nor will their good deeds be
lauded in the editorial column. | \ Every
dog has his day,"—be a "good dog."
It is well to be able to talk and inspire a large gathering of unintelligent
men, but it is better far to be able to
say something convincing to a few intelligent men. Don't talk—unless you
have something to say—and listen to
everything. To separate the chaff from
the wheat will be mental exercise of the
most extreme value.
109  LIFE
"It is a pretty mocking of the life."
—Shakespeare: "Timon of Athens," L, i.
Summing up, then, my idea, as ex:-
pressed in the preceding pages, constitutes "life." 1
"The living form as distinguished
from a copy—the real person or state,
as a picture taken from life." m
In other words, no one "lives" who
is not honest. Most people only exist;—
don't exist, live. Be honest, first to
others, then to yourself—do good to
others—be good to yourself—give what
you can—do without things yourself—
say nice things about your friends and
everyone, or—don't talk—listen.
in I
Utopian Snapshots
Remember that the same medicine
will not cure the same ailments in all
people. Take stock — of yourself —
every month or two. Don't make false
entries, and don't erase. Strike a true
balance; look over and find discrepancies—in yourself. "Live" and you will
be happy. Do not worry about your
station in life; you are here to fill the
position you occupy. Be a true workman ; earn your existence; see that you
get what is coming to you—out of life—
the pay is poor even then—a long list of
worries on one side and a few legitimate
pleasures on the other.
Don't wear a wig because you are
bald, because most men who wear wigs
have nothing under them. If your hair
goes,—you get even with the barber.
Cultivate and exercise your brains—
112 Life!
you are real, and live without hair;
under a wig you must be—and are a
•§*      *$*      4*
Don't act off the stage except in a
rehearsal. Exercise is necessary to develop every muscle of the body—the
same with the brain. You never know
how good it is until you use it—get busy
—think—do good—be good—"live."
"O, that men should put an enemy in their mouths to
steal away their brains!"
Shakespeare: "Othello," II, 3.
H Do not preach temperance, be temperate. The Siwash, with bright exceptions, has very little intelligence, is
weak morally, and has but little willpower.   Why ? f
Bring in prohibition—carry it out
rigidly—enforce the law and see that
no one takes intoxicating liquors of any
description, and before two centuries
have passed, we will all be Siwashes.
Take away all our temptations, and in
two centuries we will be morally unfit
for anything. 1 Temptations create
strength, morally and physically.
«$♦ «?♦ 4$.
Stealing is a bad habit; being intemperate is worse.   If our Governments
115 . I
Utopian   Snapshots
can legislate and bring about a state of
affairs which would render it unnecessary for any one to steal, conditions
would be almost perfect, but we would
not have any mind of our own.
It is peculiar, but true, that when
women "fall" they sink lower than any
man could possibly sink, even if he
should endeavor to try how low he could
sink. Why? Because women, on account of their environment, do not, as a
rule, meet with many temptations.
They always have someone to think for
them, either father, brother or husband.
♦      ♦      ♦
Will-power might be likened unto
any muscle of the body: the more often
it is used, the stronger it becomes, and,
of course, when it is not used at all, there
is no will-power,—that is, there may be
will, but there is no power behind it.
The more temptations a man overcomes,
116 As to Liquor
the stronger he becomes—many women
are weak morally, and have little willpower. The women to whom I have
made reference before, belonging to the
"unfortunate" class, are women of the
strongest moral natures a man can meet.
Their will-power has been tested, unfortunately in some cases, beyond endurance, but in some cases they have not
been found wanting.
The "drinking habit" is, of course,
bad, but it is only one of our temptations;—stealing is another; love of
money is another; love of dress is another; love of automobiles is still another. Resistance of these go together
to make up strength of character in a
|| Do not force your opinions on other
people simply because you think you are
too weak yourself to stand temptations
117 I
Utopian   Snapshots
such as the drinking habit is; do not tell
your neighbor, I who is strong and
healthy and a man of intelligence and
will-power, that he must not take a
drink when he wants it. Don't be foolish ; have a little sense; get out and
drink yourself, and if you are physically and morally unfit to overcome the
habit, have some kind friend lock you
up,—that is where you belong.
«$♦ .*♦ «£»
Unfortunately the brainy men are in
the minority, and sometimes they have
to subject themselves to ridiculous criticism from men who have no brains and
no experience. Concerning the few men
who honestly and intelligently think
that intoxicating liquors should not be
sold or traded in any way, we must admit that they are not only honest, but
are endeavoring to bring about a state
of affairs which, according to their hon-
118 As to Liquor
est belief, is correct. These people,
however, are very few and far between,
but let us give them credit for what they
think is right.
♦      ♦      ♦
Remember, after all, that this is a
serious article, and that experience is
everything. Want of experience forms
the stumbling-block for many well-
meaning, honest women. We respect
their views because we know that they
are honest in their intentions, but good
women should give a little credit to a
good man who has not always been good.
Do not think you know it all. The
other fellow sometimes knows something—not very much, as a rule,—but
something. Find out what he knows;
add it to what you know, or think you
know, and remember, "Every little bit
added to what you've got, makes just a
little bit more."
119 I
1    iteiib^ / -
Sias I Ml5301 ?M


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