Open Collections

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9
THE
A selection of
CHOICE BON  MOTS,
IRISH BLUNDERS, REPARTEES, ANECDOTES, &©.
Care to our ooffin adds a naii no doubt,
While every laugh so merry draws one out.
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GLASGOW:
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PRINTED FOR,THE BOOKSELLERS. .   mp,
 ANECDOTES,
«*«ft«<W{#4M
ENGLISHMAN AND HIGfHLANDMAN.
An English vessel passing up the Clyde
fell in with a Highland Sloop coming down i
which the captain of the former hailed witf
the usual salutation of " Sloop ahoy !" wher.
the following conversation took place:—-
Captain.    What's your cargo ?
Highlander,    Penlomon.
Cap,    Where are you bound for ?
High,    Potatoes.
Cap.    What's your Captain's name ?
High.    Proomala.
Cap.    Where do you come from ?
High.    Yes; it's a fine peak
Cap.    Will you take us on board ?
High.    Yesterday.
DUKE OF BUCCLEUGH.
Henry, Duke of Buccleugh, was greatlv
beloved by his numerous tenantry. One of
them yclept Jamie Howie, had a son about
four ears of age, who having heard much
of a great Duke of Buccleugh, was very
anxious to sea him. Honest Jamie, in a few.
clays, being honoured with a visit from tht
 Duke, dofled his bonnet, made a profound,
reverential bow, and said,  " O, my lord,
*re mamma be angry wi' me, but it's a
Heeven's truth, my lord, there's a daft wee
valiant o' mine that carina rest nor let ithers
cost nicht nor day, he has ta'en in his head
sic a notion o' seein' what like you are, glide
sake, my lonl; I dinrfa think he has ony
yedeea ye are a man at a', but some far-awa,
outlandish,   ower-the sea   creature."    The
Duke,  mightily tickled  with  this  fancy,
desired Jamie to bring the youngster into his
presence forthwith.    Out comes the juvenile
inquisiter with his finger in his mouth, and
cautiously reconnoitres the personage before
him.    At last quoth the urchin,  "Can ye
soom?"    " No, my little  fellow," replied
his Grace, " I canna  soom."    " Can  ye
flee ?"    No, I carina flee."    " Well, man,
for as muckle's ye're, I wadna gi'e am* o'
ma fayther's dukes for ye;   for  they  can
baith soom an' flee!"
PARAGRAPH ON PARRITCIL
Once upon a time, a worthy tradesman
who had his "wonn" in a certain populous
city "i' the wast," was in the habbit of
lightly indulging a predilection for a com-
ortable lounge in an auction-room, where
e managed to procure a fund of ease and
amusement sufficient to dissipate the effects.
5
of the dry details of the day.    On one occasion, while paying a tribute of more than
ordinary attention to a string of elaborate
eulogia on the merits of some article of sale,
delivered by the eloquent lips of him of the
hammer, Ins ears were suddenly assailed by
the well known voice of his son, a boy o;
five years of age, who had been charged with
a message of special importance from the
guidwife, to the frequenter of the nocturnal
howff.    " Fayther!" vociferated the unceremonious rascal, " yer parritch is ready!"
Honest Thomas looked certain "unutterable
things," as the eyes of a hundred individuals
were simultaneously directed first to   tbe
quarter whence the salute proceeded,  and
then to the subject of the  address.    He
cleared the mob in one step—bolted from the
threshold in another, and finished a third
with a smart application of a weighty tack-
etted shoe to the astonished retreater's seat
of honour,   while he  grinned out,   M Ye
deeviTs Jawcobeet! the next time ye come
wi' sic an eerand, say a Gentleman's waitin
on me."    An opportunity soon occurred for
a  display   of  the   urchin's   new-acquired
politesse;—two evenings afterwards he was
observed  popping in nis antiquated phiz,
and magnanimously bawling the intelligence
regarding the gentleman in waiting.    He
was answered with a complaisant " Vera
I:
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weal," and a promise of immediate at ten-
dance. A new turn in the business of the
lounge, banished the circumstance from the
father's recollection—the boy returned in
breathless haste to repeat the requisition,
which he did in a clearer, louder, and more
anxious tone than ever-—trre, withal, to the
late hint on etiquette— Fayther ! If ye
dinna come quick, the Gentleman Ti be
quite cauld!
A GOOD WIFE
Should be like three things; which three
things she should not be like.
First.—She should be like a snail,
always keep within her house:—but she
should not be like a snail, to carry all she
has upon her back.
Secondly.—She should be like an echo,
speak when she is spoken to :•—but she should
not be like an echo, always to have the last
word.
Thirdly.—She should be like a town-
clock, always keep time and regularity :---
but she should not be like a town-clock, to
3peak so loud that all the town may hear
her.
A WEATHER-MASTER.   •
4n Irish pastor, when applied to by one
of his flock for a shower of rain, said he.
should lie nappy to oblige him, but he had
several previous applications ibr dry weather;
and as it would' he impossible lor him to disoblige any of his congregation, he was under the necessity of declining to interfere,
EPITAPH ON GABRIEL JOHN.
Here lies the body of Gabriel John
Who died in the year 1001.
Pray for the soul of Gabriel John;
You may, if you please,
Or let it alone;
For it's all one
To Gabriel John,
Who died in the year 1001.
A POWERFUL PREACHER.
"Ah, Sir!'' exclaimed the elder in the
* tone of pathetic recollection,—"our late
minister was the man ! He was a poorfu'
preacher; for i' the short time he delivered
the word amang us, he knock'd three pupits
to pieces, and dang the guts out o' five
Bibles."
EPITAPH,
.1, Sir John Trollop^
Made these stones roll up;
When God shall take my soul up,
My hotly shall fill this hole up* ^
 miMM OF THE NAMES OF CUSTOMERS.
The following entries of the names of
nistomers were found in the books of a grocer, in a neighbouring city, oq his insolvency :—<< Woman on the Key.    Jew Woman.
Coal Woman.    Old Coal  Woman.    Fat
Coal   Woman.    Market   Woman.    Pale
Woman.    A Man.    Old Woman.    Little
Milk Girl.    Candle Man.    Stable Man.
Coachman.   Big Woman.    Lame Woman.
Quiet   Woman. (!!!) Egg   Man.    Little
Black Girl.    Old Watchman.    Shoemaker.
Little Shoemaker.    Short Shoemaker.    Old
Shoemaker.    Little Girl.    Jew Man.    Mrs
in the Cart    Old  Irishwoman.    Woman
hi   Corn-street.    A   Lad.    Man   in   the
Country.    Long Sal.    Woman with Long
Sal.    Mrs Irishwoman.    Mrs Featherhon-
net   Blue Bonnet    Green bonnet    Green   *
Coat   Blue Breeches.   Big Breeches.   Tlw
Woman that was ma&ried.    The Woman
that told me of the man.
THE MINISTER AND HIS THREE SONS.
jolly dame who kept the principal car-
van sary at Greenlaw, in Berwickshire, had
the honour to receive under her roof a very
worthy clergyman, with three -sons of the
same profession, each having a core of souls;
W it said, in passing, none of the reverend
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laity were reckoned powerful in the pulpit
After dinner, the worthy senior, in the pride
of nis heart, asked Mrs Buchan whether she
ever had such a party in her house before.
" Here sit I," said he, "a placed minister
of the kirk of Scotland, and here sit my
three sons, each a placed minister of the
same kirk.—Confess, Luckie Buchan, you
never had such a party in your house before." The question was not premised by
any invitation to sit down and take a glass
of wine or the like, so Mrs B. answered
dryly, " Indeed sir, I cannot just say that
ever I had such a party in my house before,
except once in the forty-five, when I had a
Highland piper here, with his three sons,
all Highland pipers; and de'il a spring
they could play amang them.
MATRIMONY.
One of the towns' officers of Ayr, waa
struck severly by accident on the head by
his wife.—After the fray was adjusted, the
the wife said to her husband, H , had 1
killed you, and I been hanged for it, would
you marry Kate M'Laucldan.
ARABIAN PROVERB.
Let him that would be safe avoid seven
things:—wasps, spiders, hyenas, crocodiles,
efts, adders, and fine women I
 I
10
THE WICKEDEST MAN.
A clergyman, who wished to know whether
the children of the parishioners understood
their Holes, asked a lad that he one day
found reading the Old Testament, who was
the wickedest man ? Moses, to be sure, said
the boy.—Moses, exclaimed the parson, how
can that be ? Why, said the lad, because
he broke all the commandments at once!
NOT LOST BUT DROWNED.
A Leith merchant being on his usual ride
to the south, came to the fcrd of a dark river,
at the side of which a boy was diverting himself. The traveller addressed him as follows:
—" Is this water deep ?" ' 'Ay, gaen deep,'*
answered the boy. " Is there ever any person lost here?" "No," replied the boy,
" there was never any lost; there has been
some drowned, but we aye get them again."
THE RED NOSE.
A West Indian, who had a remarkably
Sery nose, having fallen asleep in his chair,
s negro boy who was in waiting, observed
a musquitto hovering round his face. Quasi
ayed the insect very attentively, at last he
saw him alight on his master's nose, and
immediately "fly off.    i Ah ! d——n  your
11
heart,' exclaimed the negro, *me d—-^t
glad see you burn your foot.'
THE DEVIL DEFINED.
Thn T erend Mr Shirra, burger minister
in Kirkcaldy, once gave thefoUowingcuri-
ous defination of the Devil:—" The Devil,
my brethern, is El ony way ye'll tak him.
Tak the D from his name, he's evil; tak
the E from his name, he's vil; tak the V
from his name he's il." • Then, shrugging
up his shoulders, and lengthening his sanctified snout, he said, with peculiar emphasis,
"he's naething but an il, vil, evil, Devil,
ony way ye'U tak hiui!"
MARK ME WELL.
A gentleman having missed his way, fortunately overtook a boy going with a pot of
tar to mark his master's sheep, asked the
road to Banff, but was directed by so many
turnings, right and left, that he agreed to
take the boy behind him on the horse, as he
was going near to the same place. Finding
the boy pert and decile, he gave him somf
wholesome advice relative to his future con-
duct, adding occasionally, " Mark me well,
my boy."—"Yes, Sir, I do." He repeated
the injunction so often, that the boy at last
-Tied out, " Sir, I have no more tar!"
 12
SCOTTISH ATMOSPHERE.
An English Gentleman on a tour through I
Scotland, was unfortunately accompanied by \
wet weather most of the time. When he
set out from Glasgow to Greenock, the
morning was very fine; however, before he
had proceeded half way, he was overtaken
by a heavy shower,. u Boy," (says he to a
little fellow herding near the road side)
".does it always rain in this country!"
" Na," replied the boy, u it sometime?
snaws."
LIBERTY OF THE PRESS.
A master tailor in Glasgow, lately reading the News-papers to his family, and when
expressing the title, Liberty of the Press in
France, one of his daughters interrupted him,
by asking what the Liberty of the Press
meaned? I'll soon answer that question,"
said he; *c you know when your mother goes
but, and leaves the key in the cupboard doorf
vvhere the bread, butter, and sugar lies, then
vou have access;—That's the Liberty o' the
Press.
RESTLESS HAGGIS.
Daft Will Callender, lived with his sister
Babie,  in  Port-Glasgow:   Babie kept
lodging  house
Babie
riight
was
13
for Sailors,
making
On Saturday
Hag
ris,  for
Sunday's dinner, when one of her lodger's
but four ounce of quicksilver into the Haggis,
unknown to Babie. On Sunday, Will was
left at home to cook the dinner; but when
the pot began to boil, the Haggis would be
out of the pot; Will faithful to his charges
held the lid on the pot until his patience was
exhausted—at last Will ran off to the church
for Babie; s]ie sat on one of the back pews;
Will beckoned to her two or three times, Babie
as often nodded and winked to Will to be quiet;
at last he bawled out, " Babie come hame,
for I believe the deil's got into the Haggis,
it'll no bide in the pat, it's out dancing on -
the floor, and if I had not locked the door,
I think it would have been at the kirk as
soon's mysel."
THE KELLOCHSYDE GRACE.
The following is preserved traditionally
as the grace of the farmer of Kellochsyde or
Killocsyde, in Clydesdale:—O Lord, we'r
ay gangan, and we'r ay gettan. We soud
ay be cuman to thee, but we'r ay forgettan.
We leive in the gude mail en of Kellochsyde,
suppan thy gude peisie kale, puir sinfou sons
of——that we are. Monie mercies we receive, gride trowth; apdwe'r l]ttle thanHlou
 14
for them, glide feth.    Jaiiet, rax by the
spunes;  and aw praise and glory sail be
thine.    Amen.
PATRIMONY AND MATRIMONY
'At an examination of a school in Edin- i
burgh, a gentleman asked one of the scholars |
by what  name they .called property  that j
descended from a father ?    u P atrimon v," '
answered the scholar: and what do you call
it, when descended from a mother?   "Matrimony," was the reply.
THE LIGHT GUINEA.
An Irishman one day walking on the
streets of Glasgow, found a light guinea,
and   got
18s  for it:   next, day  he  was
walking and sees  another, Allelieii  dear
honey, says he. 111 have nothing to do with
you, for I lost 8s by your brother yesterday,'
ELDER'S HOURS.
A cunning carle, invested with the cemi-
sacred office of u Ruling Elder/* or practically seemingly indentified with that office,
in order to.gratify an inclination, scratched,
w? the neb 6? a fork, the figure 10, on the
one. side of his outer door, and the figure II,
on the other,    Bv which plan he wa* able
15
to aav w? u a £>*ood conscience," at a" times*
and on a* occasions, that he came ay haine
aXween ten and1 eleven.
THE THISTLE,     -
A few Scotch .and English travellers being met together, an Englishman took it
upon him to run down the Thistle, exclaimed against the empty boast of its motto;
"Nemo me impune lacesset;" when a
Scotchman present observed, u The Thistle,
sir, is the pride of the Scottish nation, but it
is no tiling iij the mouth of an Ass.9'
SAG^ INSTRUCTIONS.
A labouring Highlandman, who lived in
the upper' parts of Perthshire, whose wife was
taken in labour, wished him to retire out of
the   house.    Janet  says  to. him. --?-*c Oh I
you be gang &wa*, Duncan, gang awa'2"
The man however kept loitering about the
door, seemingly impressed with something of
great importance. At last he cries to his
wife, u You speak a me, Shanet! you speak
a me I" The wife asks, u What you say,
Duncan ?"—-" Gie the cummer (the midwife)
a dram, Shanet, gie the cummer a dram !?J
-—u What for Duncan ?" Gie the cummer
a dram, Shanet an5 tell him to mak her
laddie.
 16
DEATH OF A WATCH.
if
SCOTCH PARROT.
A Parrot perched upon a pole at a cottar
floor, basking itself in the sun, wasobser e
b
After the battle of Falkirk, in 1746, a 	
Highlandman was observed extracting a bj a r      ^ Hawk which happened to I
gold watch from the fob of an  English       •      oyer it      d sudden3yf^cd do|rj
oihcer who had been kdled.    His comrade *nrj c^^ ™W« -bin i_ a   v   *
viewed him with a greedy eye; which the
man taking notice of said to him u Tamn
you gapin' creedy bitch, gang an' shoot a
shentleman for herseh, an' no en vie me o»
my pit watch.    Next morning finding his
watch motionless, and meeting his comrade,
says to him, " Och! she no be care muckl
about a watch, an' you be like mine wha-
will you gie me for her ?" * The other re|
plied, " I be venture a kinny."—" Weel
then," said the other, " Shust tak her, an
welcome, for she be die yester night."
LUMP OF OLD WOOD.
and seized poor Poll by the back, away tiie
Hawk flew with his prey; when passing- over
the garden, Polty observed his old friend the
Gardener, and exclaimed, I'm ridin' noo,
John Laurie: Hawky alarmed at hearing a"
voice so near, darted into a tree for safety,
when, after recovering a little, commenced
to devour poor Poll, when it roared out with
all its might, "will you bite you b ."
The Hawk terrified out of its wits, flew off
with a biiT, leaving Poll to proceed homewards at pleasure,
LONG CREDIT.
A , '    ' -    ■ \    Soon after tJie  battle of Preston   twn
An aged man, named Thomas Wood, Highlanders, in roaming through the 'south
sitting on a high three footed stool in th )f Mid-Lothian, entered the &K
plleryof the Old Church of Falkirk, dur jSwanston, near'the pfn^RmsZ^
trig divine service happened to fall asleer, they found no one at home but an fd
tumbled on (he floor with a great noi.e woman. They immediately proceeded to
fhe preacher stopped and demanded thesearch the house, and soon findU a web of
reason of the noise « Nothing, Sir," crie^coarse home-spun cloth, made nonuple to
a wag, "But a lump of Old Wood fallobkroll and cut off as much as ^S2ta5
Wn' Fould make a coat to each.    The woman
 IS
was exceedingly inceneed at their rapacity,
roared and cried, and even had the hardihood
to invoke divine vengeance upon their heads.
u Ye villians!" she cried, ,"yeH ha'e to
account for this yet!"—-" And when will
we .pe- account for't?" asked one^ of the
Highlanders.---" At the last day, ye blackguards !" exclaimed the woman. "Ta last
tay!" rephed the Highlander: "Tat pe
cood long credit-—we'll e'en pe tak a waistcoat too!" at the same time cutting off a
few additional yards of the cloth.
A BRUSH. FOR THE BARBER.
A Highlander who sold brooms, went into a barber's shop in Glasgow, a few days
since to get shaved.. . The barber bought
one of his brooms, and after having shaved,
him, asked the price of-it; u Twopence,"
said the highlander; u No, -no," said the
barber,. "Til give you a penny, if that
does not satisfy you, take your broom again/*
The Highlander took it, and asked what he
had got to f^ay ? " A .penny," said Strap.
" III gFe ye a baubee," said Duncan, u an'
if that 'dinna satisfy ye, put on my beard
again,"
HOW  "O FIND WORK.
A Slater being employed by a gentleman
19
to repair his house in the country, (softs
along with him a Prentice: when they set
to work, and continued to work for some
days, the gentleman having no conception
the job was to be of-such duration, came out
one morning, and found the apprentice ui
work alone, when ha expressed.-himself as
surprised at the continuation of them working
so long, and enquired what had become of
his master: to which the boy replied, 'c that.
he's awa to Glasgow to look for a Job, and
if he got ane, this ane would be' done the
morn, and if he didna get ane, he didna ken
when it would be done."
DONALD AND THE LAIRD.
A Scottish Laird and his man, Donald,
travelling southward: at the first English
inn, the room in where they were to sleep,
containing a bed for the master and a truckle
for the man, which drew forth from beneath
the  larger  couch.    Such  furniture being
new to the Highlanders, they mistook the
four posted pavilion for the two beds, and
the Laird mounted the tester, while the man
occupied" the  comfortable, lodging   below.
Finding himself wretchedly  cold in   the
night, the Laird called to Donald to know
how he was  accommodated.   u Ne'er- sae
wed a' my life," quoth  the  gilly.    Ha,''
 20
man,   exclaimed the Laird, u If it was na
for the honour of the thing, I could find in
my heart to come down."
GRAVE-DIGGER OF SORN.
The Grave-Digger of Sorn, Ayrshire,
was as selfish and as mean a sinner as ever
handled mattock, or carried mortcloth. He
was a very quarrelous and discontented old
man, with a voice like the whistle of the
wind thro' a key hole. On a bleak Sunday
afternoon in the country, an acquaintance
from a neighbouring parish accosted him
one day, and asked how the world was
moving with him, " Oh, very puirly, sir,
very puirly indeed," was the answer, " the
yard has done naething ava for us this Summer, if ye like to believe me, I havna buriet
a leevin' soul this sax weeks."
EXPENCE OF A WIFE
An old bachelor who lived in a very
^•noniical style, both as regards food arwl
slothing, and not altogether so very trig as
fome bachelors sometimes appear, was frequently attacked by his acquaintances on
the propriety of taking a wife; he was very
smartly set upon one day, and told how
snod a wife would keep him, and many
•Lher fine things to induce him to take a
21
ife, and among tne rest, what a comfort it
ould be to iim, if it was for nothing else,
ut to mak his puritcli in the morning;
|ays he, " I dinna doubt but she wad mak
my puritch, put the plauge is, she wad be
fair to sup the half o' them."
CHARITY.
A person who resides in the ancient town
bf Killwinning, proverbial for his liberality
in meat and drink, to friends and acquaintances ; strangers too, seldom passed without experiencing a due share of his kindness;
fately while feasting nearly a dozen of
random visitors on " Pat Luck?" a beggar
called at the door soliciting charity, when he
tary good humouredly called out, "I canna
rielp you the day, I hae plenty o' your kin
iere already."
DISTINCTION OF SONS AND DAUGHTERS.
About the year thretty-sax, a company
liffered, " Whether it was better for a man
to hae sons or daughters ?" They cou'dn?
jgree, but disputed it pro and con. At last,
hne of them said to Graham of Kinross,
(wha hadna yoked wi' them in the argument,) "Laird, what's your opinion?"
fQuo he, " I had three lads and three lasses;
i watna whilk o them 1 liked bestsaelang
 22
as they sucket their mither; but dd*3 h*a
my share o* tlie callants, when they came to
suck their father/'
BIRD'S NEST.
The mother of a respectable Grocer in a
town in the west, called her son to her,
while on her death-bed, and declared to him
that his reputed father was not really his
father; but that such a one (nameing him)
really was his father; and that the deed was
done one night while journeying from
Greenock, when at the Glun-Brae-Head;
this story got wing, and ran through the
town like wildfire, and was a fine source of
amusement for some time. One day, a tey
vulgarly named the u Linty," went into
the ?aid Grocer's shop to purchase some article, when he was .assailed with u Weel,'\
Linty, whar is tu gaun to big thy nest the
..year?" The boy replied, H I was thinkm'
to big it down about the Glun-Brae-head."
THE GREAT WANT.
A female- pauper, lately made a very
strong and forcible appeal to the elders and
heritors of a certain parish, for an advance
of 4s. 6d.—Some one of the grave quorum
enquired what made her so urgent on this
occasion, when she had lately got a supply
^3
pf coals, shoes, &c, to this she ropHed—
Ir* Why, deed sirs, it's just to .buy a pair o*
! corsets to my daughter t Tibboc,   ilk ' lass
that's ocht respectable has them but herself
zo ye see she canna do waniis feem, an* ys
maim e'en let me ha?t sirs.55
CAPTAIN SILK.
In a party of ladies, on it being reported
that a Captain Silk had .arrived in town.,.
they exclaimed, with one exception, { What
a name for a soldier lf 'The fittest name
In the world/ replied a witty female, < for
Bilk, never can be Worsted!'
MARCH OF INTELLECT.
Two country carters, passing the entrance
|.o the Arcade, Argyll street, Glasgow, observed painted on the wall, ""No Dogs to
inter here/' ,-"No Dogs to enter here!"
exclaimed one of them, "I'm sure there's
le use for that there,". " What way,
replied  the other.    u 'Cause dogs
ona read signs," said he.    "Ha, ha?
Fse warran ye
'fentie folk's dogs 5iII kcn't brawley, for
lire's schools,  nop, whar they ieai
jock, yc're maybe wrang,
the
umb
baitli
d an' sne
 24
HOW TO READ A SIGN-BOARD.
A Highland Drover passing through a
certain town, noticed a Sign-board above an
entry, with the following inscription :
Grreen Teas, Raw Sugars, Marmalades,
Jellies,  Capped Biscuits, and all sorts oi
Confectionary Goods, sold down this entry
read it as follows :—
Green Trees, Raw Sodgers, Mermaids,
Jades, Scabbed Bitches, and all sorts of
Con fusion ary Goods, sold down this entry.
ADDITION
A farmer's Son, who had been some time
at the university, coming home to visit his
father and mother; and being one night
with the old folks at supper, on a couple of
fowls, he told them, that by the rules of
logic and arithmetic, he could prove these
two fowls to be three.—"Well, let us hear,"
said the old man; "Why this," said the
scholar, " is one, and this," continued he,
"is two, two and one, you know make three."
—" Since ye hae made it out sae weel,'
answered the old man, "your mother shall
hae the first fowl, I'll hae the second, and
the third you may keep to yourselL"
FINIS.