si 9 THE A selection of CHOICE BON MOTS, IRISH BLUNDERS, REPARTEES, ANECDOTES, &©. Care to our ooffin adds a naii no doubt, While every laugh so merry draws one out. w. m 'si I i GLASGOW: 'f> PRINTED FOR,THE BOOKSELLERS. . mp, ANECDOTES, «*«ft«<W{#4M ENGLISHMAN AND HIGfHLANDMAN. An English vessel passing up the Clyde fell in with a Highland Sloop coming down i which the captain of the former hailed witf the usual salutation of " Sloop ahoy !" wher. the following conversation took place:—- Captain. What's your cargo ? Highlander, Penlomon. Cap, Where are you bound for ? High, Potatoes. Cap. What's your Captain's name ? High. Proomala. Cap. Where do you come from ? High. Yes; it's a fine peak Cap. Will you take us on board ? High. Yesterday. DUKE OF BUCCLEUGH. Henry, Duke of Buccleugh, was greatlv beloved by his numerous tenantry. One of them yclept Jamie Howie, had a son about four ears of age, who having heard much of a great Duke of Buccleugh, was very anxious to sea him. Honest Jamie, in a few. clays, being honoured with a visit from tht Duke, dofled his bonnet, made a profound, reverential bow, and said, " O, my lord, *re mamma be angry wi' me, but it's a Heeven's truth, my lord, there's a daft wee valiant o' mine that carina rest nor let ithers cost nicht nor day, he has ta'en in his head sic a notion o' seein' what like you are, glide sake, my lonl; I dinrfa think he has ony yedeea ye are a man at a', but some far-awa, outlandish, ower-the sea creature." The Duke, mightily tickled with this fancy, desired Jamie to bring the youngster into his presence forthwith. Out comes the juvenile inquisiter with his finger in his mouth, and cautiously reconnoitres the personage before him. At last quoth the urchin, "Can ye soom?" " No, my little fellow," replied his Grace, " I canna soom." " Can ye flee ?" No, I carina flee." " Well, man, for as muckle's ye're, I wadna gi'e am* o' ma fayther's dukes for ye; for they can baith soom an' flee!" PARAGRAPH ON PARRITCIL Once upon a time, a worthy tradesman who had his "wonn" in a certain populous city "i' the wast," was in the habbit of lightly indulging a predilection for a com- ortable lounge in an auction-room, where e managed to procure a fund of ease and amusement sufficient to dissipate the effects. 5 of the dry details of the day. On one occasion, while paying a tribute of more than ordinary attention to a string of elaborate eulogia on the merits of some article of sale, delivered by the eloquent lips of him of the hammer, Ins ears were suddenly assailed by the well known voice of his son, a boy o; five years of age, who had been charged with a message of special importance from the guidwife, to the frequenter of the nocturnal howff. " Fayther!" vociferated the unceremonious rascal, " yer parritch is ready!" Honest Thomas looked certain "unutterable things," as the eyes of a hundred individuals were simultaneously directed first to tbe quarter whence the salute proceeded, and then to the subject of the address. He cleared the mob in one step—bolted from the threshold in another, and finished a third with a smart application of a weighty tack- etted shoe to the astonished retreater's seat of honour, while he grinned out, M Ye deeviTs Jawcobeet! the next time ye come wi' sic an eerand, say a Gentleman's waitin on me." An opportunity soon occurred for a display of the urchin's new-acquired politesse;—two evenings afterwards he was observed popping in nis antiquated phiz, and magnanimously bawling the intelligence regarding the gentleman in waiting. He was answered with a complaisant " Vera I: 6 weal," and a promise of immediate at ten- dance. A new turn in the business of the lounge, banished the circumstance from the father's recollection—the boy returned in breathless haste to repeat the requisition, which he did in a clearer, louder, and more anxious tone than ever-—trre, withal, to the late hint on etiquette— Fayther ! If ye dinna come quick, the Gentleman Ti be quite cauld! A GOOD WIFE Should be like three things; which three things she should not be like. First.—She should be like a snail, always keep within her house:—but she should not be like a snail, to carry all she has upon her back. Secondly.—She should be like an echo, speak when she is spoken to :•—but she should not be like an echo, always to have the last word. Thirdly.—She should be like a town- clock, always keep time and regularity :--- but she should not be like a town-clock, to 3peak so loud that all the town may hear her. A WEATHER-MASTER. • 4n Irish pastor, when applied to by one of his flock for a shower of rain, said he. should lie nappy to oblige him, but he had several previous applications ibr dry weather; and as it would' he impossible lor him to disoblige any of his congregation, he was under the necessity of declining to interfere, EPITAPH ON GABRIEL JOHN. Here lies the body of Gabriel John Who died in the year 1001. Pray for the soul of Gabriel John; You may, if you please, Or let it alone; For it's all one To Gabriel John, Who died in the year 1001. A POWERFUL PREACHER. "Ah, Sir!'' exclaimed the elder in the * tone of pathetic recollection,—"our late minister was the man ! He was a poorfu' preacher; for i' the short time he delivered the word amang us, he knock'd three pupits to pieces, and dang the guts out o' five Bibles." EPITAPH, .1, Sir John Trollop^ Made these stones roll up; When God shall take my soul up, My hotly shall fill this hole up* ^ miMM OF THE NAMES OF CUSTOMERS. The following entries of the names of nistomers were found in the books of a grocer, in a neighbouring city, oq his insolvency :—<< Woman on the Key. Jew Woman. Coal Woman. Old Coal Woman. Fat Coal Woman. Market Woman. Pale Woman. A Man. Old Woman. Little Milk Girl. Candle Man. Stable Man. Coachman. Big Woman. Lame Woman. Quiet Woman. (!!!) Egg Man. Little Black Girl. Old Watchman. Shoemaker. Little Shoemaker. Short Shoemaker. Old Shoemaker. Little Girl. Jew Man. Mrs in the Cart Old Irishwoman. Woman hi Corn-street. A Lad. Man in the Country. Long Sal. Woman with Long Sal. Mrs Irishwoman. Mrs Featherhon- net Blue Bonnet Green bonnet Green * Coat Blue Breeches. Big Breeches. Tlw Woman that was ma&ried. The Woman that told me of the man. THE MINISTER AND HIS THREE SONS. jolly dame who kept the principal car- van sary at Greenlaw, in Berwickshire, had the honour to receive under her roof a very worthy clergyman, with three -sons of the same profession, each having a core of souls; W it said, in passing, none of the reverend 9 laity were reckoned powerful in the pulpit After dinner, the worthy senior, in the pride of nis heart, asked Mrs Buchan whether she ever had such a party in her house before. " Here sit I," said he, "a placed minister of the kirk of Scotland, and here sit my three sons, each a placed minister of the same kirk.—Confess, Luckie Buchan, you never had such a party in your house before." The question was not premised by any invitation to sit down and take a glass of wine or the like, so Mrs B. answered dryly, " Indeed sir, I cannot just say that ever I had such a party in my house before, except once in the forty-five, when I had a Highland piper here, with his three sons, all Highland pipers; and de'il a spring they could play amang them. MATRIMONY. One of the towns' officers of Ayr, waa struck severly by accident on the head by his wife.—After the fray was adjusted, the the wife said to her husband, H , had 1 killed you, and I been hanged for it, would you marry Kate M'Laucldan. ARABIAN PROVERB. Let him that would be safe avoid seven things:—wasps, spiders, hyenas, crocodiles, efts, adders, and fine women I I 10 THE WICKEDEST MAN. A clergyman, who wished to know whether the children of the parishioners understood their Holes, asked a lad that he one day found reading the Old Testament, who was the wickedest man ? Moses, to be sure, said the boy.—Moses, exclaimed the parson, how can that be ? Why, said the lad, because he broke all the commandments at once! NOT LOST BUT DROWNED. A Leith merchant being on his usual ride to the south, came to the fcrd of a dark river, at the side of which a boy was diverting himself. The traveller addressed him as follows: —" Is this water deep ?" ' 'Ay, gaen deep,'* answered the boy. " Is there ever any person lost here?" "No," replied the boy, " there was never any lost; there has been some drowned, but we aye get them again." THE RED NOSE. A West Indian, who had a remarkably Sery nose, having fallen asleep in his chair, s negro boy who was in waiting, observed a musquitto hovering round his face. Quasi ayed the insect very attentively, at last he saw him alight on his master's nose, and immediately "fly off. i Ah ! d——n your 11 heart,' exclaimed the negro, *me d—-^t glad see you burn your foot.' THE DEVIL DEFINED. Thn T erend Mr Shirra, burger minister in Kirkcaldy, once gave thefoUowingcuri- ous defination of the Devil:—" The Devil, my brethern, is El ony way ye'll tak him. Tak the D from his name, he's evil; tak the E from his name, he's vil; tak the V from his name he's il." • Then, shrugging up his shoulders, and lengthening his sanctified snout, he said, with peculiar emphasis, "he's naething but an il, vil, evil, Devil, ony way ye'U tak hiui!" MARK ME WELL. A gentleman having missed his way, fortunately overtook a boy going with a pot of tar to mark his master's sheep, asked the road to Banff, but was directed by so many turnings, right and left, that he agreed to take the boy behind him on the horse, as he was going near to the same place. Finding the boy pert and decile, he gave him somf wholesome advice relative to his future con- duct, adding occasionally, " Mark me well, my boy."—"Yes, Sir, I do." He repeated the injunction so often, that the boy at last -Tied out, " Sir, I have no more tar!" 12 SCOTTISH ATMOSPHERE. An English Gentleman on a tour through I Scotland, was unfortunately accompanied by \ wet weather most of the time. When he set out from Glasgow to Greenock, the morning was very fine; however, before he had proceeded half way, he was overtaken by a heavy shower,. u Boy," (says he to a little fellow herding near the road side) ".does it always rain in this country!" " Na," replied the boy, u it sometime? snaws." LIBERTY OF THE PRESS. A master tailor in Glasgow, lately reading the News-papers to his family, and when expressing the title, Liberty of the Press in France, one of his daughters interrupted him, by asking what the Liberty of the Press meaned? I'll soon answer that question," said he; *c you know when your mother goes but, and leaves the key in the cupboard doorf vvhere the bread, butter, and sugar lies, then vou have access;—That's the Liberty o' the Press. RESTLESS HAGGIS. Daft Will Callender, lived with his sister Babie, in Port-Glasgow: Babie kept lodging house Babie riight was 13 for Sailors, making On Saturday Hag ris, for Sunday's dinner, when one of her lodger's but four ounce of quicksilver into the Haggis, unknown to Babie. On Sunday, Will was left at home to cook the dinner; but when the pot began to boil, the Haggis would be out of the pot; Will faithful to his charges held the lid on the pot until his patience was exhausted—at last Will ran off to the church for Babie; s]ie sat on one of the back pews; Will beckoned to her two or three times, Babie as often nodded and winked to Will to be quiet; at last he bawled out, " Babie come hame, for I believe the deil's got into the Haggis, it'll no bide in the pat, it's out dancing on - the floor, and if I had not locked the door, I think it would have been at the kirk as soon's mysel." THE KELLOCHSYDE GRACE. The following is preserved traditionally as the grace of the farmer of Kellochsyde or Killocsyde, in Clydesdale:—O Lord, we'r ay gangan, and we'r ay gettan. We soud ay be cuman to thee, but we'r ay forgettan. We leive in the gude mail en of Kellochsyde, suppan thy gude peisie kale, puir sinfou sons of——that we are. Monie mercies we receive, gride trowth; apdwe'r l]ttle thanHlou 14 for them, glide feth. Jaiiet, rax by the spunes; and aw praise and glory sail be thine. Amen. PATRIMONY AND MATRIMONY 'At an examination of a school in Edin- i burgh, a gentleman asked one of the scholars | by what name they .called property that j descended from a father ? u P atrimon v," ' answered the scholar: and what do you call it, when descended from a mother? "Matrimony," was the reply. THE LIGHT GUINEA. An Irishman one day walking on the streets of Glasgow, found a light guinea, and got 18s for it: next, day he was walking and sees another, Allelieii dear honey, says he. 111 have nothing to do with you, for I lost 8s by your brother yesterday,' ELDER'S HOURS. A cunning carle, invested with the cemi- sacred office of u Ruling Elder/* or practically seemingly indentified with that office, in order to.gratify an inclination, scratched, w? the neb 6? a fork, the figure 10, on the one. side of his outer door, and the figure II, on the other, Bv which plan he wa* able 15 to aav w? u a £>*ood conscience," at a" times* and on a* occasions, that he came ay haine aXween ten and1 eleven. THE THISTLE, - A few Scotch .and English travellers being met together, an Englishman took it upon him to run down the Thistle, exclaimed against the empty boast of its motto; "Nemo me impune lacesset;" when a Scotchman present observed, u The Thistle, sir, is the pride of the Scottish nation, but it is no tiling iij the mouth of an Ass.9' SAG^ INSTRUCTIONS. A labouring Highlandman, who lived in the upper' parts of Perthshire, whose wife was taken in labour, wished him to retire out of the house. Janet says to. him. --?-*c Oh I you be gang &wa*, Duncan, gang awa'2" The man however kept loitering about the door, seemingly impressed with something of great importance. At last he cries to his wife, u You speak a me, Shanet! you speak a me I" The wife asks, u What you say, Duncan ?"—-" Gie the cummer (the midwife) a dram, Shanet, gie the cummer a dram !?J -—u What for Duncan ?" Gie the cummer a dram, Shanet an5 tell him to mak her laddie. 16 DEATH OF A WATCH. if SCOTCH PARROT. A Parrot perched upon a pole at a cottar floor, basking itself in the sun, wasobser e b After the battle of Falkirk, in 1746, a Highlandman was observed extracting a bj a r ^ Hawk which happened to I gold watch from the fob of an English • oyer it d sudden3yf^cd do|rj oihcer who had been kdled. His comrade *nrj c^^ ™W« -bin i_ a v * viewed him with a greedy eye; which the man taking notice of said to him u Tamn you gapin' creedy bitch, gang an' shoot a shentleman for herseh, an' no en vie me o» my pit watch. Next morning finding his watch motionless, and meeting his comrade, says to him, " Och! she no be care muckl about a watch, an' you be like mine wha- will you gie me for her ?" * The other re| plied, " I be venture a kinny."—" Weel then," said the other, " Shust tak her, an welcome, for she be die yester night." LUMP OF OLD WOOD. and seized poor Poll by the back, away tiie Hawk flew with his prey; when passing- over the garden, Polty observed his old friend the Gardener, and exclaimed, I'm ridin' noo, John Laurie: Hawky alarmed at hearing a" voice so near, darted into a tree for safety, when, after recovering a little, commenced to devour poor Poll, when it roared out with all its might, "will you bite you b ." The Hawk terrified out of its wits, flew off with a biiT, leaving Poll to proceed homewards at pleasure, LONG CREDIT. A , ' ' - ■ \ Soon after tJie battle of Preston twn An aged man, named Thomas Wood, Highlanders, in roaming through the 'south sitting on a high three footed stool in th )f Mid-Lothian, entered the &K plleryof the Old Church of Falkirk, dur jSwanston, near'the pfn^RmsZ^ trig divine service happened to fall asleer, they found no one at home but an fd tumbled on (he floor with a great noi.e woman. They immediately proceeded to fhe preacher stopped and demanded thesearch the house, and soon findU a web of reason of the noise « Nothing, Sir," crie^coarse home-spun cloth, made nonuple to a wag, "But a lump of Old Wood fallobkroll and cut off as much as ^S2ta5 Wn' Fould make a coat to each. The woman IS was exceedingly inceneed at their rapacity, roared and cried, and even had the hardihood to invoke divine vengeance upon their heads. u Ye villians!" she cried, ,"yeH ha'e to account for this yet!"—-" And when will we .pe- account for't?" asked one^ of the Highlanders.---" At the last day, ye blackguards !" exclaimed the woman. "Ta last tay!" rephed the Highlander: "Tat pe cood long credit-—we'll e'en pe tak a waistcoat too!" at the same time cutting off a few additional yards of the cloth. A BRUSH. FOR THE BARBER. A Highlander who sold brooms, went into a barber's shop in Glasgow, a few days since to get shaved.. . The barber bought one of his brooms, and after having shaved, him, asked the price of-it; u Twopence," said the highlander; u No, -no," said the barber,. "Til give you a penny, if that does not satisfy you, take your broom again/* The Highlander took it, and asked what he had got to f^ay ? " A .penny," said Strap. " III gFe ye a baubee," said Duncan, u an' if that 'dinna satisfy ye, put on my beard again," HOW "O FIND WORK. A Slater being employed by a gentleman 19 to repair his house in the country, (softs along with him a Prentice: when they set to work, and continued to work for some days, the gentleman having no conception the job was to be of-such duration, came out one morning, and found the apprentice ui work alone, when ha expressed.-himself as surprised at the continuation of them working so long, and enquired what had become of his master: to which the boy replied, 'c that. he's awa to Glasgow to look for a Job, and if he got ane, this ane would be' done the morn, and if he didna get ane, he didna ken when it would be done." DONALD AND THE LAIRD. A Scottish Laird and his man, Donald, travelling southward: at the first English inn, the room in where they were to sleep, containing a bed for the master and a truckle for the man, which drew forth from beneath the larger couch. Such furniture being new to the Highlanders, they mistook the four posted pavilion for the two beds, and the Laird mounted the tester, while the man occupied" the comfortable, lodging below. Finding himself wretchedly cold in the night, the Laird called to Donald to know how he was accommodated. u Ne'er- sae wed a' my life," quoth the gilly. Ha,'' 20 man, exclaimed the Laird, u If it was na for the honour of the thing, I could find in my heart to come down." GRAVE-DIGGER OF SORN. The Grave-Digger of Sorn, Ayrshire, was as selfish and as mean a sinner as ever handled mattock, or carried mortcloth. He was a very quarrelous and discontented old man, with a voice like the whistle of the wind thro' a key hole. On a bleak Sunday afternoon in the country, an acquaintance from a neighbouring parish accosted him one day, and asked how the world was moving with him, " Oh, very puirly, sir, very puirly indeed," was the answer, " the yard has done naething ava for us this Summer, if ye like to believe me, I havna buriet a leevin' soul this sax weeks." EXPENCE OF A WIFE An old bachelor who lived in a very ^•noniical style, both as regards food arwl slothing, and not altogether so very trig as fome bachelors sometimes appear, was frequently attacked by his acquaintances on the propriety of taking a wife; he was very smartly set upon one day, and told how snod a wife would keep him, and many •Lher fine things to induce him to take a 21 ife, and among tne rest, what a comfort it ould be to iim, if it was for nothing else, ut to mak his puritcli in the morning; |ays he, " I dinna doubt but she wad mak my puritch, put the plauge is, she wad be fair to sup the half o' them." CHARITY. A person who resides in the ancient town bf Killwinning, proverbial for his liberality in meat and drink, to friends and acquaintances ; strangers too, seldom passed without experiencing a due share of his kindness; fately while feasting nearly a dozen of random visitors on " Pat Luck?" a beggar called at the door soliciting charity, when he tary good humouredly called out, "I canna rielp you the day, I hae plenty o' your kin iere already." DISTINCTION OF SONS AND DAUGHTERS. About the year thretty-sax, a company liffered, " Whether it was better for a man to hae sons or daughters ?" They cou'dn? jgree, but disputed it pro and con. At last, hne of them said to Graham of Kinross, (wha hadna yoked wi' them in the argument,) "Laird, what's your opinion?" fQuo he, " I had three lads and three lasses; i watna whilk o them 1 liked bestsaelang 22 as they sucket their mither; but dd*3 h*a my share o* tlie callants, when they came to suck their father/' BIRD'S NEST. The mother of a respectable Grocer in a town in the west, called her son to her, while on her death-bed, and declared to him that his reputed father was not really his father; but that such a one (nameing him) really was his father; and that the deed was done one night while journeying from Greenock, when at the Glun-Brae-Head; this story got wing, and ran through the town like wildfire, and was a fine source of amusement for some time. One day, a tey vulgarly named the u Linty," went into the ?aid Grocer's shop to purchase some article, when he was .assailed with u Weel,'\ Linty, whar is tu gaun to big thy nest the ..year?" The boy replied, H I was thinkm' to big it down about the Glun-Brae-head." THE GREAT WANT. A female- pauper, lately made a very strong and forcible appeal to the elders and heritors of a certain parish, for an advance of 4s. 6d.—Some one of the grave quorum enquired what made her so urgent on this occasion, when she had lately got a supply ^3 pf coals, shoes, &c, to this she ropHed— Ir* Why, deed sirs, it's just to .buy a pair o* ! corsets to my daughter t Tibboc, ilk ' lass that's ocht respectable has them but herself zo ye see she canna do waniis feem, an* ys maim e'en let me ha?t sirs.55 CAPTAIN SILK. In a party of ladies, on it being reported that a Captain Silk had .arrived in town.,. they exclaimed, with one exception, { What a name for a soldier lf 'The fittest name In the world/ replied a witty female, < for Bilk, never can be Worsted!' MARCH OF INTELLECT. Two country carters, passing the entrance |.o the Arcade, Argyll street, Glasgow, observed painted on the wall, ""No Dogs to inter here/' ,-"No Dogs to enter here!" exclaimed one of them, "I'm sure there's le use for that there,". " What way, replied the other. u 'Cause dogs ona read signs," said he. "Ha, ha? Fse warran ye 'fentie folk's dogs 5iII kcn't brawley, for lire's schools, nop, whar they ieai jock, yc're maybe wrang, the umb baitli d an' sne 24 HOW TO READ A SIGN-BOARD. A Highland Drover passing through a certain town, noticed a Sign-board above an entry, with the following inscription : Grreen Teas, Raw Sugars, Marmalades, Jellies, Capped Biscuits, and all sorts oi Confectionary Goods, sold down this entry read it as follows :— Green Trees, Raw Sodgers, Mermaids, Jades, Scabbed Bitches, and all sorts of Con fusion ary Goods, sold down this entry. ADDITION A farmer's Son, who had been some time at the university, coming home to visit his father and mother; and being one night with the old folks at supper, on a couple of fowls, he told them, that by the rules of logic and arithmetic, he could prove these two fowls to be three.—"Well, let us hear," said the old man; "Why this," said the scholar, " is one, and this," continued he, "is two, two and one, you know make three." —" Since ye hae made it out sae weel,' answered the old man, "your mother shall hae the first fowl, I'll hae the second, and the third you may keep to yourselL" FINIS.
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The Scotch Haggis; a selection of choice bon mots, Irish blunders, repartees, anecdotes, &c [between 1840 and 1857?]
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Title | The Scotch Haggis; a selection of choice bon mots, Irish blunders, repartees, anecdotes, &c |
Publisher | Glasgow : [publisher not identified] |
Date Issued | [between 1840 and 1857?] |
Description | On cover: "Care to our coffin adds a nail no doubt, While every laugh so merry draws one out" "Printed for the booksellers". |
Extent | 24 pages : illustration ; 14.9 x 8.8 cm |
Subject |
Children's Literature |
Genre |
Chapbooks |
Type |
Text |
FileFormat | application/pdf |
Language | English |
Identifier | PR974 .C493 PR974_C493_11 |
Collection |
Historical Children's Literature |
Source | Original Format: University of British Columbia. Library. Rare Books and Special Collections. PR974 .C493 |
Date Available | 2019-02-20 |
Provider | Vancouver : University of British Columbia Library |
Rights | Images provided for research and reference use only. Permission to publish, copy, or otherwise use these images must be obtained from Rare Books and Special Collections: http://rbsc.library.ubc.ca |
CatalogueRecord | http://resolve.library.ubc.ca/cgi-bin/catsearch?bid=1748081 |
DOI | 10.14288/1.0378825 |
AggregatedSourceRepository | CONTENTdm |
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