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Fo(u)r one Safdie, Gabriel 1965

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FO(U)R ONE by GABRIEL SAFDIE B.Comm., M c G i l l U n i v e r s i t y , 1963 B.A., S i r George Williams U n i v e r s i t y , 1964-A THESIS'. SUBMITTED IN PARTIAL FULFILMENT CF THE REQUIREMENTS FOR THE DEGREE OF MASTER OF ARTS i n the Department of ENGLISH We accept t h i s thesis as conforming t o the required standard THE UNIVERSITY OF BRITISH COLUMBIA A p r i l , 1965 In p r e s e n t i n g t h i s t h e s i s i n p a r t i a l f u l f i l m e n t of the requirements f o r an advanced degree at the U n i v e r s i t y of • B r i t i s h Columbia, I agree that the L i b r a r y s h a l l make i t f r e e l y a v a i l a b l e f o r r e f e r e n c e and study. I f u r t h e r agree that per-m i s s i o n f o r extensive copying of t h i s t h e s i s f o r s c h o l a r l y purposes may be granted by the Head of my Department or by h i s r e p r e s e n t a t i v e s . I t i s understood t h a t ; c o p y i n g or p u b l i -c a t i o n of t h i s t h e s i s f o r f i n a n c i a l gain s h a l l not be allowed without my w r i t t e n p e r m i s s i o n . The U n i v e r s i t y of B r i t i s h Columbia, Vancouver 8, Canada Department of -"•ABSTRACT this is the second draft of the first part of a four part composition • why F0(u)R ONE ? because four is one is that » summer autumn winter spring are one year,one cycle is that : a man born-begetting-aging-dying lives one life,moves through-in one instant • and the oneness holds for the i and the you who speak speak because the i has a you ; in another way the i is the you—the i reaching for its psychic counterpart,for its self ; in s t i l l another way the you is the organic counterpart of the i . further,there is the you:you god,man,dog, or so . and there is also the you which the i seeks , and seeks to know,under-stand within the i—reaching, sometime touching, but never arriving • what is this point ? the point which moves in a line into a circle which turns into a sphere is a point/lihe/circle/sphere of confrontat-ions—flashed, faded in and out, sketched,gestured , in a stroke, a some-time utterance—confrontations only--for what follows in P0(u)R ONE is only the point which moves in cycles, but moves for ONE (you) as you move ; move between your in and out sides—for the i speaking its being speaks a language (though a language of words that can not ^ tell the is of being) a language opening/closing (as mouth to anus) cloing/opening through-in the point the space of a window—confrontations in (Y)our window (the door is still,as ever, shut) . what moves within,what turns outside » all that and whatever more there is between , is to come in the three parts which will follow a rewritten K)(U)B ONE d'tHsEwise structurally * this arrangement is a double concerto in four movements i the i and the you are the two solo instruments in counter-point | the confrontations in shifts are the orchestral-background ones and more and so 1 ONE:one this point from where i speak to you myself yourself my self you turns within this moment immense moment folds around itself suspended this point to feel of know i ask this point of unfeeling i ask of where to fold myself yourself to smother to i ask of where to start to open when to close this point pierces within my brainthrob spinning through threads of past within this moment before i break listen -i learn learning not to care but care i cant help i t and the barking within my skull of not knowing where to begin or end splattered on walls of my brain howling my brain in lighttijce day of hours rotating in summer sun blazes my tarred roof to heat rotating within between my eyes inside me blazed i walk my brain alone down the street through streetcrowds where a l l these faces rolled in drydust sprayed with gasfumes - so what i f they carry their brains In bags or wallets?so a l l are part of the same brain please let me have a piece or two my brainhowl asks you there in wrinkled skin withered your eyes deaddeep and so lost deeper than your hat outstretched those tender boils so large larger than bits of coin on bottom of your hat outstretched between two stumps of leg and the city runs in you red skirt swivel hipped mechanical gyrating doll but why move fire in your hair ice between your legs tick tock to townhall city clock 2 - what are you doing today to do today to do today to do done buy now nothing down twenty a reason so many women buy this point the most refreshing drink from where i speak newest best performance yet to you myself try now only the look is priceless splattered on walls of my brain howling my brain you up there in darkgrey suit your neckless head balding and briefcase clasped to heart so tight why not Jump into this shaded alley to stop to tick? your growl too can fade into eternal smiling do jump you fallen queen into this river of nylons and pants and or plunge with kings into this lake of beer like chips in burning grease and play and play who is playing with a l l these mechanical toys or are they playing with themselves so i work on this newspaperstand and build paper castles for you my love for you and you i bum them angel city for you an offering you angel city your wings weathered and so seasoned into eternal murmurs your gown my angel stained wrapped over so many many do you hear me?? listen - do you hear? i choke in your bosom caught i cant breathe leave me alone -what in hell do you want? i hold my brain for you my angel i stand alone in the street where cars go by by by hold i t to a red light sign of angels and a l l whirrsintoscreech in my skull i ask of where to fold myself yourself to smother i ask of where to start to open when to close 3 and i and thousands thousands i i t vawa wait await a wait waiting wawawai and i and thousands thousands but is i t - is i t - will i t come? when will waiting walk away when and i run runfast through twisting streets my brain paved with flesh alive of want lined with frenzied fiber webbed enter my door unlocked creeking on rusteaten hinges opens to slow descending round spiral stairway spinning within this house this house bearing my name burning where fire devours wall after wall of my chambers wall after wall collapsing on heated marble on my cracking floor and you slowly descend with me within me into my fire my fire inside my house burning my fire within my room within my fire inside my room inside my bed burning into my fire my fire inside my flesh within consuming our fiber bones our flesh burning but a l l there is in you my flesh in yours hard moves inside your chasm inflamed so wet shrieks my flesh in yours shrinks in you to softness to this point where your mind seeks mine turns within this moment this point where my mind seeks yours folding around Itself though now we reach for just a more yes rolling i r o l l on rolled h i l l s of you downinyou your valley i smell you your skin perfumed in sweat but sweet your salty lips your sweetsour juice your sweetbreasts i swell in you - we forget a l l faces a l l streets or cars here just we rolling i r o l l on rolled h i l l s of you here in this point inside my rhythm beats in yours in mine your pulse pounds a's we dance on beating drums drums burning as we c o i l on stretching skins skins flaming our pulse in smoke beats the sound of beating on our windowpane the sound of bodies tumbling but tumbling bodies tumble we do tumble too and f a l l and as we f a l l into a subway a fallen we we bind ourselves onto steel rails there we rest and wait wait wawa rumble wheels move in tracts breaks drop in hammers oh - but they always f a i l -the steelcars loom and shoot through the endless tunnels over body after body after a l l heated t i l l like hot wax they stick and melt and mingle to run t i l l neither seem to be what i t had been when we rise there risen each in a rising rose in a ring round round in a row - ra rara rarally ram rarara march we march our footfalls lost in this rumble lost in flat incessant stampings fallen swirls round hollow echoes echoes of multitude footsteps lost in steel in plastic this shuffle to get to 6 - station #2 where are we going tenth and twentyseventh oooh ay strap gate G whats the score have you heard your hair where off here off hey you shouldaseen that build - station #1 ouch fuck crying out out out are we late gate P cant see shit imagine only a dollar ninetynine imagine getting into that too fat gate U we are late late imagine gate Y i just cant - station #0 hhheeeyyy hheeyy hey h e y scream a scream of men and women in a squeeky l i t t l e voice but we forgogot hohohow i sing to you in my tramples as i walk alone to you i sing from the bottom of my sole an earthy song f i l l e d with unseen tears from inside my brain i scream to you of you you ask me why we a l l wonder how we chatter and squeek inside - does the blood boil? bum? how does i t char and blacken? - how can we scream? in a flicker in a dream 7 in a grove the appletree sheds its fruit where waves of flowers begin to wither the hot wind scattering their dry petals in the distance willows weep over lagoons steaming In summer heat as i wake i find you gone from my wake drifted in a sea of ashen faces in streams of eyes of lava hads afloat legs sunk no signal nor gesture the waves of lava crawl to f i l l a l l tunnels a l l sliding cars to squeeze into smallest gaps and seep in drops of sweet hot sweat into each wrinkle no laughter- there no pleading none drop drip drop tata tatadumdum dada dadatumtum oh yeah - have you ever heard the blues? tata turn dadadum or have you ever tasted bitter drops your own drops -t i l l you squeezed yourself dry? have you ever heard the yeah just squeeze yourself -like a green grape into a black raisin does your body rot without your soul? youll never know -t i l l youve tried to shrink drop drip drop drop 8 into this point that cant be found dropped but from this point stretches an empty tunnel for me a refuge into underground 1 run into echoes of my footfalls alone there light falls in solitary beam against walls and walls of countless mirrorwalls my image me loomed doubled and trebled doubling and trebling will i ever learn where to begin or end i -you will never know my mouth distorts do i cry somehow? my face creases do i plead -in falling somewhere on sanddunes sloping away from seashore to swamp and mire under heatblaze of noonsun sand pulls down slowly almost faintly sucking deeper to every movement i sink i ca l l to you in falling yeah - but will it? will your body without your soul rot will my body rot without my soul? 9 and my body stretched across the rocks blood dripping from my lips and eyes my heart bleeding hushed in pulse silence -and the vultures sigh hey listen i know 1 know a good place where a place where good where that point falls back from every direction from noontime daylight hey listen i know a place where there on the h i l l soaring looms a scrawny cross and will the cross topple? and many mount the cross thinking they have learnt to love what love to have love to love love to hate self love to love le there in the valley rests a lotusfolded image meditating and will the image crumble? and many sit in meditation thinking they have learnt of a great one harmony a l l in one one one in a l l a l l to a l l a l l two a l l a and some kneel before a burning bush to burn or cross a deepbluesea to drown and some face mecca bowing facing mecca collapsed and some bulls bulls bulls the sound of bulls stampeding bull after bull stabbed bleeding corpse after corpse burnt to crumple ashes on ashes worshipped or forgotten and lost lost in this place a place where but what about my souH in this place now my statue looming in the park pigeons resting on my head and arms their dung clinging to my lips and eyes footfalls -and the pigeons f l y i have seen enough of such sights that sag inside me from where i speak to you ay self i s t i l l ask where to begin or end i stand here now unsolved and where to turn or how to go to where there is no point above nor down below no point so there i seek you seek for us to look into into each others eyes to look into each others to move with one another to move within to move to move for one another to move to move within to move within this point around i t touch i t -contemplate i t a l l within this moment turning this moment which folds around itself suspended this point bite i t -dip your face my face in its watermelon the seeds collecting in the mouth to chew this point within this moment tight immense tight for us turning ONE:two this line moves through this point to meet where infinite lines pass crossing this line coils around my neck coils and lifts t i l l i rise to hanging this tree where i hang no leaves shed in this autumn in this forest of countless trees leaves are falling falling the leaves falling shed like raindrops like teardrops but here no rain only tears and clouds mass these leaves leaves that were shed last autumn every autumn bearing my face on darkside your face on paleside my lines so sharp inside me but why why yours pale? they fade fading i speak now from a deep dug hole - dug deep the hole? deepdown from where i speak 1 sound now from the ground where words words only pile in heaps they have been long a long a long many years in no time gone as you fade only words clutter crowd to blur your inface once sharp clear now and clearer how heavy weighing pulling to alone dug deep how chilled my bones are in this cold cold dampness this hollow well f i l l e d with pebbles moss covered roundedged these small pebbles piles of words a l l a l l am i saying anything do you hear me? listen -put your ear to the ground -do you hear? - nothing then watch those leaves i watch each leaf - there are so many twirls to the ground to join a myriad others rotting here i an aging creature of sorts emerge over these layers overground i stand pissing pissing over layers of dried leaves and feeling so good in relief not really minding the wild wind nor the few children hiding behind the trees laughing an aging i for me this jingle laughter these leaves writhing in wind whisper the moment so very complete the very here now but you know how moments go how in one breath breathed none alike a l l the same but why think about the breathings the breaths that collect to now inflate to what only to reminiscences of then so what of wind in walls in crevices of flesh of lungs? not chugs or whirs in metal not gas or puffing steam nor smoke only warm wind blowing breath in aging blows to fog over this my lake t i l l almost unseen just a shadow of we bathing us embraced in weeds in each others arms locked in wet black branches in one anothers hold just a shadow vague but growing vivid and more each time visioned then vanished now seen our images waterlogged uniting in unheard silence only broken by sounding foghorns bewwew bewwwow calling reminding reminding calling c a l l ing this sound drowns as rains descend in floods of falling hair and teeth a l l f a l l in words to drown in this unhearing lake only the unspoken swells in waves that shift onto rocks unheard this fog thickens ' clouds descend everywhere for me round this deep mud shore the naked trees groan in a voice of choric singing shedding the last of the leaves each leaf falls to a word between us each leaf fallen is a memory a onetime aspiration whispered in wind through leaves through ancient beards of ceaseless drifting there i see falling the last leaf of autumn and i run to catch i t i know i must before i t disappears in the midst of millions others as i live this last leaf is mine -andi run and i stumble over my beard falling into wild darkness where our sun disappears behind a blackened moon but what on earth are they doing -the sun and the moon? has i t come to that between them? how i blush for the sun and the moon in my deep understanding now i nod with infinite satisfaction i have lived -i have seen a l l there is so in rite of the aged fashion i tie my beard to a high bare bough and hang myself to dangle 16 now before the beards roots rot while the hair s t i l l hang i s l i t my wrinkled throat and let the blooddrops drop into the bowl held in my firm hands with belief then i drink out of my bowl for you i drink a toast you fatherless angel of waters of woods your mother for you i drink my angel -i no longer wonder what the bowl is a l l about before i t shatters just a bowl to feed from to piss into to wash to spit into what a bowl to have do you ever wonder what this bowl is for? or where i t came from? i can only look into my own bowl deepdark almost hollow so deep bottomless and somewhat abysmal yet s t i l l hanging i to my hair i dip my face in the bowl f i l l e d with my blood t i l l the bowl drops shatters blood splatters trinkles from my beard drips t i l l i t clogs my mind your mind clouds descend fog oozes into one disappearing along this line moving through this point disappearing there in wailing blast of horn in brassy croons piercing into core a seedless core f i l l e d with no l i f e but with memories contemplating a spent youth 17 of childhood pain of earning love through doing what can hurt so much the early hurt of being unlike the others where were you father when i wept for being alone and how you shouted when i didnt understand or couldnt learn to be like you? i have watched you age angel t i l l you grew tired of yourself t i l l your arms weakened their roots withered letting me loose though not so free with mother rooted in my brain just free enough to age like you in an aging trunk which feeds upon babes on asphalt past in passing in waiting in passing wawa waiting to pass from one point on this line to the next you know the line where we hang the line coiling around my neck from my tree where no leaves are shed do you remember those fallen leaves lost beneath us i just hang you too hang each over a well deep dug hole should we care what point what line? should we mind the difference between this tree or that hole? s t i l l we each guard our tree and enter each our hole some changing the tree others the hole in a dream from one point on this line to another to another to this evening moves through this point of descending darkness in falls this evening watches our decline which coils around our necks in a wait t i t i l l we sink beyond this line of horizon sink with blinding sunsets of evening sundown letdown oooh -dont let go now oooh -dont let go clutch your fingers my fingers i clutch tight to the rope of the l i f t on this chairlift up the h i l l slowly down in a blow and youve had your run youve had i t used up -this linepoint moves through this pointline path s t i l l coils somehow in a place i know down below just a place where a place where just i you w i l l never leave 'in streets worn as worn as holed shoesoles to the flesh the bone to pavement in this trodden street haunched i struggle through gutter my gutter where on age youth feeds on dreams on dead age feeds on dead to death living is dying is dreams death is blessing is wrinkled cunts gabbing in the market stay with me dont leave me alone dont go here these wrinkled women gather their plunder in bits of beyond any good and evil bits more feeding than any thoughtabout love and hate there they gather their plunder from garbagecans in passageways where my friend picks his butts when the going is hard where i now stand in the cold pissing gallons of beer that evening has fed me only an alleycat watching me now with eyes agleam meowing its presence so soothing in my loneliness so alone in a void even those few early stars leave me behind a curling fog alone bub i return to crowded streets these streets crowded f u l l f i l l e d with endless song everybody sing of another coming -croak a song of men and women baked in a slumpie a song of joy and of weeping of where joy feeds on weeping on weeping on joy on where rats eat spiders in their glory sucking flies where flies feed on man have you ever tasted have you tried? man feeds on man on manwoman on woman - aha got a woman - and ah got me a man 20 0 hey i know a place where its so gay the queens are bawling over lost kings where aces and fixes are wild a straight flush in a f u l l house come dance my princess piece to a screaming box your hair on your bosom and your bosom f u l l of shaking to this streetsong of a whole lot of shaking this song they say the best things in l i f e are free well you can live in misery but give me money now give me money money money just give me money but why care -i just ask from my house i ask here windows broken patched with skin doors loose tied with veins where blood cements split bricks in walls cracked framed in bones and the ceilings breaking up falling down fallen down on floors unseen for layers of layers .of layers of sperm that multiplies to grow to dust and ashes are one with alcohol flowing together with blood with in these streets trumpet croons to awaken darkness to scream in me in you to shout to turn evening to nighttime in bars in dimblue lights on glass on palegrey smoke in blasts of brass of and baby and take i t easy baby you know what ah mean what d ah say mah woman and baby one more time now ahsay eh oh eh one more one oh blast of brass cries through a tired street to wake up every window to shout to beat along this line i am s t i l l holding to move through this point this point coils twisting here i stand now my shadow cast allround me your shadow falls on me falls until you leave gone with your shadow and i alone shaken by a long long brassy shriek shattering my every mirror to fragments to f a l l in pieces in unanswered queries in broken dreams of flashes on my screen of faded and torn pictures over my shadow out of my shadow on streetside song scattered along this line moving through this point and moving back oncemore to reminisce remissible remains of remains of then why which chewed who when were sucked what where when drank drops of whom while dry why ate drugged which i remember you a l l on the scratched board of my memory and now dry branches scratch my windowpane spiderwebbed leafless branches scratch to rememberings of days of having heard knowledge and wisdom of doctors and of saints about i t and about i t and about but always turning down a l l they have said yet never knowing why you know you know how i t is -when you think you know yourself or dare to think you have yourself but i must move ahead now enough -my cud i chewed, for you my love and chewed like dry meat or stale gum enough i shall arise and go now In a circle my line t i l l i find my footsteps but i have searched and searched yet never finding the point where i began maybe my circle is straight -i have always suspected this who knows? perhaps one day in the meantime our lines can always cross and they meet we meet our words join in recollection our tears our laughter as we bathe in this lake of evening evening which clears from clouds adrift rising and drifting from curling fog sinking and dying we turn high twirl higher higher bleary eyed we rise and sink drift closer to void in a void in this stillness of shadows not really knowing how close we are or how far we have gone just knowing that waiting w i l l never die for a w i l l in the wake in the wake of a wait we squeeze out every drop of escape before we what? - come on lets hit the road lets take off anywhere man like whip around this corner on two wheels yeah drag up this h i l l down floor i t faster turn the radio on louder faster - baby its so good one more time hit the road man -hit but anyway i say drops or no drops i keep on squeezing somehow forgetting somethings remembering otherthings in the wake of a wait under evening watching our tight embrace embraced on grassleaves under a chestnut tree under evening eyeing us through each star staring through a skyful of stars a deep skyful in darkness which falls f a l l s on light of memory in slow descent along this line along this line with which we hang coiled to a spire but now the trees roots rot the deep dug hole gets deeper the pebbled words the words begin to fade hold on while the line is lowered through your point into deep dug hole -- but i cant hold on now just cant no choice but to f a l l -through this point of no bottom to this hole i dug yet crossing through light in one luminary light my own light only nothing to descending slowly slowly descended drifting away to darkness - away to ONE:three these points meet around this c i r c l e rotate these seconds t i c k around this moment timeless i n an ocean of shoreless waiting no sign of a coming on this wintered hope of darksky of a winternight you ask i ask why wait when there is a shore of horizon? i a dead man what use have i got for points or seconds? i swim to you my angelwoman though i cannot reach your hovering image nor see i t i n my blindness 1 refuse to wait i n my death 1 must swim and swim to you i n an ocean of cornflakes and beer and to a plastic c l i f f the c l i f f i s a purple mask of the grey shore stretching into clouds of smoke i n this land of rememberings only the sound of my angel i n a song of beyond the Seabreeze the cry of my seagull unseen and laughter ringing from the three children playing i n the mouth of the mask i n a cave within this shorecliff there i climb and lay my weary bones to rest and 1 pick a pebble & aai pearl only words to place in my eyesockets soothing the pain of emptiness then i see a circle this c i r c l e forms a wintermoon which f i l l s which fades fading and f i l l i n g suspended i n a query l i k e my sku l l once f i l l e d now shrinks to an empty question over this quarried land of rock and smoke silverblue moon skullface moon circles coolmoon bears your deathface oncemore my eyestones two swollen disks of fullmoon rotated across wintersky reflecting rotated across wintersea where sky meets water you wrapped in seaweeds your eyes washed by seawaves of your drowning my drowning these waves suck us with pulling current in circles within circles within this current sweeps these waves in whirls within whirls within dying in a spiral intestine of change i sink to limit of anus from where i drop curled into eternal question as i shout out beyond the black howl of wind why sea why moon why seamoon why die? go we go why go id go go to go logos go to go god do go ego go ago eros gone 0 say i going to go back to these points and these seconds the circle points 26 from within the circle i pourout streaming reflections pour them upon a clavier upon a blackwhite keyboard my whiteblack keys which unlock the doors of my deserted furnished chambers which rise which sink and rise playing for you and you you rise and sink with me within me into the waves the waves within water seaswirl the drops within waves in spray in seafoam each wave carries SB. note of the clavier each drop reflects a quavered moon washing the seashore of my craggy bones breaking each drop a word between us unspoken every bubble of froth a sentiment bursting to meet inside this circle in ticks around this moment timeless in the white garden painted with snow we sit upon abandoned chairs of meditation not knowing why or how we got into this garden and as i stare into your vacant eyes as vacant as downtown lots for sale past midnight i ask you -do you know me? do you understand who i am or what i say? why are your eyes so empty of expression? and yet you look at me in my madness you look at me and say nothing speak to me -- where are they gone? no one around this winter lets go downsouth for Christmas a l l gone and the snow slowly descends descends slowly upon vacant wrought iron chairs upon empty tables only cups of black coffee cold in our gloved hands s t i f f as we listen from a distance timeless notes bounce from a four harpsichord concerto moaning bluetinged minors in melodious mellowtone you rise in me in the garden where snow descends with you in me each flake bears a timeless thought unlike another each flake bears a changing thought like every other in the centre of the round garden a pool a goldfish pool frozen in this winter my blood in cracked veins frozen frozen within this circle stilled these seconds tick through this night timeless and ve dead and frozen f i l l the cancerous growths lining the sky these buildings which scrape the sky from its light into darkness darkness within our buildings frozen within our corridor into our office fallen into the darkness within our office inside our desk inside our desk within our skull ticking within our bones dead marrow hard inside our circle of button to/leeled wills now in my office i and f i f t y other clock fearers are given the sign of the hour ten when we proceed to the rite of coffee breaking with the rites of noon and three to follow and to follow and at my back from day to day i hear upon the swelling of our corridor upon the sign of buzz that breaking moments tick for me again for me now just before the sign of nearing dark of five over my desk my files i stretch and search my pockets for a light for a final cigarette when she speaks to me from right beside my desk - yoo hoo says she t i c k i n g her machine l i k e me - i wont be long dont run along stand s t i l l y o u l l get your f i l l j ust l e t me take my bir t h c o n t r o l p i l l but having had her the night before i rush i n t o the street with my newspaper i t rose 27 points overnight what a k i l l i n g buy now while i t s low sell o u t before i t s too l a t e sellout before s e l l buy your eyes how much -tighten under the lamplight glare your room -- dying from behind - upstairs aclayish mask of powder and cream - one hour meeting around t h i s c i r c l e these moments t i c k around t h i s hour to fade and fade here there i walk the streets between signs and redbluegreen flashing s i g n l i g h t s dimming dimming and flashing my own n o s t r i l s quivering with recognition of exhaust fumes i n t h i s street mingled with f r i e d potatoes hotdogs a scent reaching my hunger my hunger shaking and rumbling empty deep eat oh i enter a pub as smell of booze awakens my sullen brain to tOss and turn and as i seat myself beside the bar i see a man whose face lies on the counter then as he slowly lifts his head he turns to me and stares me in my eyes in my confusion he strips my mask and moves me into chills of fear as in his face i recognize my face then i fall from my stool onto the floor and through into underground bound to my fall i roll through a hole and roll into my tomb in an endless cat catac catac comb comb catacomb of toms in this dead rock of womb point of disappearance of your touch leaves point of disappearance of your words drops point of disappearance of your image roots in my skull once we met once we died and now where are we now? do you know where we are? have you asked? one straight two on the rocks three with water the rest nothing -around this moment when i you leave the the the here we meet in a glance through a room of many faces through clouds of s€fejkeridden words through waves of c o c k t a i l laughter each cock i s a t a i l between us smoking each t a l e i s a cock between us crowing he was good but he was better i n Vienna didnt you r«?ad i t ? yes but the t h i r d movement was weak newyork lost tokyo to moscow profound your dress; beneath the surface deep the l a t e s t word p i t y p o l i t i c a l manoeuvre l o s t l a s t elect a l i e n a t i o n what an act l a s t scene what a bore misdirected with soda communication w e l l w e l l w e l l where have you been on the rocks and now f o r a l l to be f u l f i l l e d f o r me to f e e l l e s s lonely a l l that remains i s to hope to hope that on my execution day there w i l l be and there w i l l be a hughe crowd of spectators that they w i l l greet me with howls of execration howls of howls i say no i say i when these seconds tick around that day and drop out of the current on your chair of salvation of your just of e l e c t r i c i t y from t h i s chair i gaze at fullmoon where i see a s i l v e r c a l f feeding on his mother cow and the cow speaks her wisdom moo aays the cow i n the moon not now says she on ly soon r i g h t now theres no room t o be as before t h i s doom moo says the cow i n the moon say i to how now cow i t ' s never i f i t ' s not now t h i s winter so c o l d even the c a t t l e are f rozen the moon has c r y s t a l l e d and i s c rack ing i n s i l e n c e over the sea where i t s fragments are f a i n t l y f a l l i n g s i n k i n g i n s t i l l n e s s through the i c e i n t o the depth t h i s sea r i s e s to f l o o d i n waves of papers and papers we drown we cannot swim nor f l o a t we are s i n k i n g the l i f e g u a r d s are gone the shore i s empty o n l y the long awaited mailman stands on the shore i n h i s dark un i form h i s hand outst retched w i th my l e t t e r s my long awaited m a i l i s there a l e t t e r f o r me from you? i have spent my days i n w a i t i n g f o r your l e t t e r -w i l l i never read i t now? and as i s i n k the mailman leaves w i th my unread l e t t e r s on the vacant shore the water rises snow descends slowly over tarred rooftops into streets on lampposts on the buildings which tower the streets which rise to meet the sky-sky above water drowlng buildings streets cars they drown you drown we drown we have forgotten how to scream ice and water the flood seeps into our shelters airwater tight but not enough a l l falls out of this circle the centre cannot hold lets watch i t drop lets go we cant why not we're waiting for godot when will he come? - now he is here do you see him in that procession with laurel wreaths around his cfiffin? do you see him -do you see him and the funeral motorboats painted black decked with white wilted roses do you see the people? - everybody is here tonight in Sunday dress what a procession for him -did you know him too? when i looked into his dying eyes i saw the horror of ten thousand years in no time gone -because we did not let him stand to t r i a l because we did not let because we did not let him stand and now we meet around this circled funeral and now we meet around this sinking circle huddled well? shall we go yes lets go we do not move these seconds cease to tick around the moment timeless no longer descending no more moving this circle no centre points none a l l fallen d e ONE:four in this sphere this point a c e l l a grain of so i l grows into this line a vein a feeding root blasting these points rotate along this line into these circles of this sphere out of fading darkness one dewdrop after another awakens to spring sunrise from between your thighs spring ascends slowly looms rises out of pale daydawn flushed like you in mornings swells like your breasts in heat arousing as your thighs embrace as newlife seeps into the earth as i t awakens the dead of winter we rise within our sphere not really minding the lost centre here our newborns rise from within us rise our newborns rising simply no supermen here and not knowing how to rejoice otherwise we say congratulations is i t a boy or a g i r l seven pounds how lovely and how cute the l i t t l e devil his mother's mouth his father's nose congratulations we watch we watch them sleep or scream in multitudes we see them but we cant hear their cries only helpless gestures from behind showwindows of glass cages - let them rest in their incubators the l i t t l e devils - let them rest do not disturb them visiting hours are over - please leave at once have we escaped from within the earth within the cave into the cage from within the mother within the cave the earth struggle or stumble we have escaped from the nipple from within the womb within the mother in labour to return somehow but mother she died was i t today or yesterday we cant be sure and where are the children? they are playing down that h i l l they play with their balls within this ball the sphere now our balls r o l l down the h i l l the sloping h i l l we must stop them and r o l l them up the slope but the balls slowly grow to unbearable burden until they triumph dragging us down the slope crashing with us into the valley of gravitation where we play boohoo boohoo while the cuckoo in eternal sympathy or mockery cuckoos in counterpoint cuckoo boohoo cuckoo tralalalala lala lala woohoo so we chant in the valley between these h i l l s which slope 37 \ each ball becomes a world between us each f a l l becomes a burden easing in the valley and s t i l l angelwoman i look for you until in the deep valley so deep i see your eyes flash flash like moving waves of this river below moving from dawn to sunrise in green of sparkle and ceaseless flow waiting for me to descend :cto you for the sun to rise above waiting on solitary rock alone beneath that crashing waterfall waiting then as rise of sun with blazed rays reveals you standing with a rainbow caress spreading across your ve i l your skin so soft in this morning spray when we touch we plunge sinking along this flowing line fastfast this streaming river into the present past flowing with current into these points this delta mouthing our ocean 38 our river their river flows through flat valley through towering city through strewen suburbs there on round h i l l s surrounding cling outskirts to city where skirts are out where the fringe is also out where the f r i l l s are hanging low and loose so out so low so loose are these skirts that the countless houses pinned upon them identical as they are they are identical though not i d y l l i c a l nor ideal these houses are pinned so loosely that they drop and drop like seagull juice into the sea splashing only slightly leaving no real trace just as hollow dolls f i l l e d with straw in cardboard houses stained with mud topple from the rim into a bathtub splashing softly hardly staining or just as paper buildings of people stuffed with newspapers and ketchup f a l l from a plastic plateau over a rubber c l i f f into a sea of beer and soda not really splashing staining only slightly with drops of redbrown which quickly disappear so I watch suburbia from this jet from a point of beyond vision lies the city i t appears f i r s t a speck and then i t grows and grows t i l l i see its veins and arteries its growths its moles and pores sweating and vomitting a l l i see is a head no body to i t an eyeless earless head with one huge nose dripping and countless mouths distorted the time has come to land - fasten your seatbelts please no smoking in four languages the pressure tightens for us eighty birds cooked in midair t i l l we crash on a grassless field of this morning spring where we sit around the wreck gaping at the burning craft as i f we have heard the word as i f i t has spoken while above machine birds come and go cloud the sky-shoot over earthbound distances shoot and fade like falling stars in a flicker a blink so up above from town to town i hear from city to country to city the sound of thundering jets of jetted thunders of thun jets jetbirds of seduction in an endless seduction of this sphered universe i play the game by secreting my own web to touch the evergrowing net around i t in an innocence which i know can never last i play my games here i am the son of marriage a l i t t l e boy suburban my name is oediplex -here issing my innocent song twinkle twinkle l i t t l e mother leave me alone go play with father just lay down with him on top when he comes just let him drop twinkle twinkle l i t t l e mother please dont bug me play with father but alas so busy working is dear father that mother must play with another as she does with another and s t i l l another and in many cities so does father but father did work so hard every morning alarmclock radiotime he used to go to his safe which was hidden in the basement wall and he used to say - money money in the wall who is the richest one of a l l in this suburb? then money used to answer - you are the richest one of a l l in this suburb until one day he drove his big car over the c l i f f into the sea just like those people and buildings hardly even splashing and he drowned since then money in the wall has been lonely no one ever comes to ask that question thats because money in the wall is hidden not even mother knows where i t is there was another father who used to ask the same question every sunrise and he used to receive the same answer until one morning he received a very different answer from his money in the wall so he too drove his car over a c l i f f but on purpose where he drowned without splashing at a l l this time money in the wall hasnt been lonely because mother always knew where i t was besides when father f e l l there wasnt any money in the wall at a l l there was s t i l l another father with money in the wall who f e l l and drowned he even splashed a bit but this time i t was mother who made him f a l l his money in the wall isnt lonely -mother knows where i t is she even asks i t that question everyday she is now living with i t happily ever after so in my innocence i watch and learn and learn when i grow up i ' l l buy the whole city i ' l l burn i t i t w i l l grow again a graining growth of greed in grease or grind scattering to points moving along this line sinking below this line which rises rises like the fog in the bay to reveal morning gulls on cranes on masts where ships come and go i hear the horny c a l l of foghorns bellow calling but hardly reminding the foghorns blow bewwoww bewwow»/ foghorn unicorn bowwwow bowwwow hornfog demidog boowooow the fog ascends with rising sun to cloudless sky over a crowded bay a jittering city these jittered points rotate with this earth around this sphere - but i just cant rotate with them ive had enough - too much did you not have enough? do you want some more? - not another sound nor word do you remember the hole i dug? then come and play there with me my hole has room for you and me and i can show you a l l my toys and games come play come on -with me but you wont come so i must play alone though i ' l l be waiting for you and i go to my hole when a l l of a sudden the ground opens up and i f a l l past my hole toys games and a l l then the ground shuts above there i l i e thinking about the big thing that has happened how i can t e l l everybody about i t where in the midst of quiet watermusic i hear strange sounds and on a rock i see a man and woman eating a small boy in my image eating and laughing tearing the limbs and laughing so i get scared and i run with that sight making me run on and on for seven years i run and i never stop t i l l i collapse into sweet sleep with water dripping around me and heavenly sounds in the air for seven years i sleep and dream the face of god in my own image a youthful bewildered boy smiling mischievously and as i see my face in his i awake a newborn god while a force oozes and enters deeply from within the earth i t slowly rises inside me lighting with force my brain entering my bones seeping until a slight green flame starts burning intensely i t burns for you for me within me with earthy music of strings and tightskinned drums embodying flesh to seep deeper deeper where its force is vast inside consuming growing flames feeding on ce l l feeding on s o i l to move along this line of root of vein and sinew blasting where lines strings veins move with force move in bitterlemons in sun in heat in smoke in quiet thunder slowly the force seeps moving from me into you and you and you move where from the heat of our flesh a rhythm beats in loud thunders rolling inside to crash like suns where wefts of vein stretch into chords and quiver deep like lighttrays move from the distances to the depth of oceans as i strum my guitar for you my goddess i cry wildly inside and we sing while my veins vibrating i plant myself in you you strike your roots in my brain and we love and we love but one day i look at the spring sky deepblue and almost clear with only bits of cloud afloat which cast small shadows upon us when the telephone rings and as i say hellow i hear mary's voice longdistance and my heart drops into my stomach from fright as i remember her mary comra demonger is her name she always said she would call and now she sings her song through the wires passing through cities everywhere into the air rising in fragments these fragments of her song mary has a little bomb its mushroom has such glow everywhere her mushroom grows it burns all things below under the shadow of this glorious mushroom vastly looming only the echoes hover over huge fields of ashes and deserted networks of thruways in dust there i hear these echoes of squeeks and chatters as those of thousands flocks of seabirds screaming mine yours theirs party their party border your order way my play away flag lag lag have a gram of soma coma part our heart fart a fart a fort curtains and poles walls between us crumbled sounds grown faint newspapers burnt televisions dimmed radios silent stillness fallen in an endless span of this timeless morning spring this graveyard flourishes where flowers are thriving their roots feed upon darksoil blast into the earth this circle there i carve your image onto a rock do you feel within veined flesh with fire i carve with love into your bone your marrow from mine to you yes now are we going to rebuild upon these ruins of selves from this point this line this circle are we going to rebuild from spring rebirth are we going to are we are now oh but why ask i say -listen to me listen - - nothing and i return to you not knowing why or how i return here you speak to me now speaking eternally speaking your mind your feel as well to me as to another saying now i give to you of me to taste of you come oncemore feel my face my lips hot pry curl your tongue so wet in mine i wait for you asking with my eyes my breasts looking staring asking you to speak to me your eyes you self we speak now like we never did before from deep down i speak to you with living words i t e l l you a l l i think my breasts kiss think of very me i ask you to forget we forget what is gone a l l gone the moon glows shinning like the sun dead the sun s t i l l lives in me in you are living suns remember a^ nd remember only you i now remember now now speak i speak my want of living suns my want one my mind my feel one only one one there were times when we couldnt understand when we couldnt speak times when we died without ever knowing another or knowing i and you do you remember i you w i l l never know? and now do you hear? listen -winding wind here howls whirls into waves of waterblood inside earthflesh on fire inside this is how i feel but can i make you understand? feel your fire feeding my earthflesh from where you came forget the wrong words words are never right they never say what you want to say listen to my voice instead the voice of very me -and what i do instead of words. but i must speak a l l the same just let me speak speaking makes easier inside waterwind moves yours through earthfire mine now i know where to start to open when to close your earthfire moves through my waterwind a l l one my want my feel my mind one no more broken two i know now where to begin or end what i dont know wont hold me back from you i f we could only understand tfhat we are a l l one i remember when i f i r s t learnt not to care and to be hard silent not to know you nor me to close myself inside a well and never look but i m forgetting now and its so good around us stars more many starsstars i see them for the f i r s t time since a child stars against darkdepth of depth looking in blinks soft from deepblack they t e l l us only here saying now but always yes I see now your smile smiling now grows large within to smile i know so ,well you can mend your broken self with glue of understanding i you inside one now your arms yes round my back in my hair your fingers your pulse speaks pounds to mine my pulse inside thinking beats between my thighs inside pounds my feel my mind no more waiting none ever but know now no signs nor a coming descending to be waited for i hug you your waist with my thighs we rise we sink and rise here you r o l l on rolling h i l l s of me your tree we hear singing of our birds we r o l l in arms embraced in one another one we s % l l small rain on grass leaves on damp earth our skin reach no more no longer where you cant and we we move in one one your fleshed hardbone moves in meburning burning feltimage to feltimage yours mine and we stay we rest now we do not leave and no waiting now the sun risen eyeing us a l l the while so bright in mellowgreen bluegreen in redorange flowers in brown bark of trees your skin sweet with i a l t smells of me of rain earth there here we l i e no sleep coming yet dreaming silent thunder white sky dreaming quiet pulsethunder our fleshed skulls throb of sun in water and on leaves here we l i e our hands clasped fingers touching each our cracks tight our eyes looking through the trees to the sky now yet dreaming together each our dreams pointed lined circled slphered now we fold here together together yet dreaming each our dreams 


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