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The post-disclosure experience of the non-offending father : an exploratory study of child sexual abuse Johnson, Reid William 1988

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THE POST-DISCLOSURE EXPERIENCE OF THE NON-OFFENDING FATHER: AN EXPLORATORY STUDY OF CHILD SEXUAL ABUSE by Reid W i l l i a m Johnson B.A., Western Washington U n i v e r s i t y , 1979 B.S.W., U n i v e r s i t y of B r i t i s h Columbia, 1987 A T h e s i s Submitted In P a r t i a l F u l f i l l m e n t o f The Requirement For the Degree of Master of S o c i a l Work i n The F a c u l t y of Graduate S t u d i e s School of S o c i a l Work We accept t h i s t h e s i s as conforming t o the r e q u i r e d standards: The U n i v e r s i t y of B r i t i s h Columbia June 1988 © Reid W i l l i a m Johnson, 1988 to In presenting this thesis in partial fulfilment of the requirements for an advanced degree at the University of British Columbia, I agree that the Library shall make it freely available for reference and study. I further agree that permission for extensive copying of this thesis for scholarly purposes may be granted by the head of my department or by his or her representatives. It is understood that copying or publication of this thesis for financial gain shall not be allowed without my written permission. Department of S o c i a l Work The University of British Columbia Vancouver, Canada Date J u n e 30, 1988  DE-6 (2/88) ABSTRACT T i t l e : The P o s t - D i s c l o s u r e Experience of the Non-Offending F a t h e r : An E x p l o r a t o r y Study of C h i l d Sexual Abuse Although t h e r e i s an i n c r e a s i n g amount of l i t e r a t u r e on c h i l d sexuaL abuse, t h e r e i s a d e a r t h of i n f o r m a t i o n on the e x p e r i e n c e s o f n o n - o f f e n d i n g f a t h e r s of s e x u a l l y abused c h i l d r e n . Uncovering the i s s u e s t h a t these f a t h e r s encounter a f t e r l e a r n i n g about the abuse of t h e i r c h i l d r e n i s e s s e n t i a l i n d e s i g n i n g a t h e r a p e u t i c framework t o h e l p these men and t h e i r f a m i l i e s . T h i s q u a l i t a t i v e study e x p l o r e d the e x p e r i e n c e s of f o u r n o n - o f f e n d i n g f a t h e r s of s e x u a l l y abused c h i l d r e n . Each s u b j e c t was i n t e r v i e w e d on v i d e o tape f o r approximately one hour u s i n g a g e n e r a l i n t e r v i e w guide. The r e s u l t s were c a t e g o r i z e d i n t o f o u r a r e a s : i n i t i a l r e a c t i o n t o d i s c l o s u r e , changes i n r e l a t i o n s h i p s , s e l f i s s u e s , the r e c o v e r y p r o c e s s . Two g e n e r a l themes emerged from these c a t e g o r i e s : d i s r u p t i o n i n the f a t h e r ' s r o l e as p r o t e c t o r and the process of r e g a i n i n g a sense o f normalcy. These f i n d i n g s p o i n t t o the importance of i n c l u d i n g n o n - o f f e n d i n g f a t h e r s i n the treatment p l a n s of c o u n s e l l i n g agencies working w i t h v i c t i m s of c h i l d s exual abuse. i i ACKNOWLEDGEMENT I would l i k e t o thank my Lord and S a v i o r , Jesus C h r i s t , who has g i v e n purpose t o my l i f e and has been a model o f g i v i n g o f Hi m s e l f t o h e l p humanity. I would a l s o l i k e t o thank my parents who have supported me throughout my endeavors, whether they agreed w i t h my d i r e c t i o n o r not. They have t r u l y been g r e a t p a r e n t s . I would l i k e t o thank my b r o t h e r who, a f t e r a l l o f the rough and tumble y e a r s we had growing up t o g e t h e r , has become a t r u e f r i e n d . I would l i k e t o thank my grandmother, Emma Gar d i n e r , who, a t 96 years o l d , i s s t i l l a hard worker and lo v e s l i f e . May I do the same. Many f r i e n d s have h e l p e d me t o p l o d through the dark times, t o pe r s e v e r e u n t i l the end. Thank you a l l . To the men who helped w i t h t h i s study by s h a r i n g t h e i r e x p e r i e n c e s so f r e e l y and completely, I am v e r y g r a t e f u l . i i i TABLE OF CONTENTS A b s t r a c t i i Acknowledgements i i i CHAPTER PAGE I. I n t r o d u c t i o n 1 I I . The Exp e r i e n c e o f the Non-Offending F a t h e r . . . . . . .6 E f f e c t s o f D i s c l o s u r e o f Sexual Abuse on the Fa t h e r . . .6 F a t h e r Role. 13 I I I . Methodology 19 Method: E x p l o r a t o r y Research 19 S e l e c t i o n o f F a t h e r s . 20 Data C o l l e c t i o n : Development of the I n t e r v i e w Guide . 21 C r e d i b i l i t y 2 3 Procedure 24 Data A n a l y s i s 25 IV. F i n d i n g s 2 8 Category 1: I n i t i a l R e a c t i o n t o D i s c l o s u r e . 27 P e r c e p t i o n s 27 Thought 3 0 Emotions 31 Category 2: Changes i n R e l a t i o n s h i p s 3 3 Spouse 33 V i c t i m 35 Other C h i l d r e n i n the Family 3 8 C h i l d r e n i n General 3 9 Extended Family and F r i e n d s 39 Offender 4 0 S o c i a l Systems 41 Category 3: S e l f Issues 42 G u i l t 42 V i c t i m i z a t i o n 43 i v TABLE OF CONTENTS Cont'd. Category 4: The Process o f Recovery 45 F i n d i n g Resources 46 R e s o l v i n g G u i l t 49 Developing T r u s t 50 V. C o n c l u s i o n s 52 L i m i t a t i o n s o f the Study 52 Questions f o r Future Research 54 I n t e g r a t i o n o f F i n d i n g s With L i t e r a t u r e 55 S o c i a l Work I m p l i c a t i o n s 59 B i b l i o g r a p h y 62 Appendices: A-H 65 Appendix A: L e t t e r o f I n t r o d u c t i o n 65 Appendix B: I n t e r v i e w Guide 67 Appendix C: P r e - I n t e r v i e w I n s t r u c t i o n s 69 Appendix D: P e r m i s s i o n L e t t e r 7 0 Appendix E: C e r t i f i c a t e o f U n i v e r s i t y Approval 71 Appendix F: Consent Form 72 Appendix G: T r a n s c r i p t o f Sample I n t e r v i e w 74 Appendix H: O u t l i n e o f A n a l y s i s 106 v CHAPTER I INTRODUCTION With the preponderance of r e s e a r c h conducted i n the l a s t decade on c h i l d s e x u a l abuse i t has become a l a r m i n g l y c l e a r t h a t c h i l d s e x u a l abuse i s a major s o c i a l problem i n our s o c i e t y . Most of the l i t e r a t u r e has focused on the v i c t i m s and the p e r p e t r a t o r s ( F i n k e l h o r , 1986). However, r e l a t i v e t o the sheer volume of l i t e r a t u r e on the s u b j e c t , v e r y l i t t l e has been w r i t t e n on the e f f e c t s o f c h i l d s e x u a l abuse on the remaining members o f the v i c t i m ' s f a m i l y . Though some r e c e n t s t u d i e s have begun t o i d e n t i f y the e f f e c t s of c h i l d s e x u a l abuse on the a s s o c i a t e d s i b l i n g s (Johnson, 1988; Marshal, 1986) and non-o f f e n d i n g mothers ( C h a r l e s , 1987; Caplan & Hall-McCorquodale, 1985), t h e r e i s an absence of i n f o r m a t i o n on the e f f e c t s of c h i l d s e x u a l abuse on non-offending f a t h e r s . " F a t h e r " w i l l be d e f i n e d as the b i o l o g i c a l f a t h e r o r the l e g a l s t e p - f a t h e r o f the c h i l d o r c h i l d r e n who were s e x u a l l y abused. "Non-offending" w i l l be d e f i n e d as not having committed the abuse a g a i n s t the c h i l d o r c h i l d r e n . " C h i l d " w i l l be d e f i n e d as a person 18 years of age or younger a t the time of the abuse b e i n g committed. T h i s absence of i n f o r m a t i o n on non-offending f a t h e r s i s understandable i n l i g h t o f the r e s e a r c h p o i n t i n g out " t h a t a g r e a t d e a l o f sexual abuse occurs a t the hands of c l o s e f a m i l y 1 2 members, p a r t i c u l a r l y f a t h e r s and s t e p - f a t h e r s " ( F i n k e l h o r , 1984) . There have been a v a r i e t y o f d e f i n i t i o n s o f se x u a l abuse put f o r t h by law and p o l i c y makers, r e s e a r c h e r s , c l i n i c i a n s as w e l l as advocate groups. I t i s necessary t o develop an a p p r o p r i a t e d e f i n i t i o n o f c h i l d s exual abuse i n order t o adequately understand the con t e x t i n which t o compare and c o n t r a s t f a t h e r s ' e x p e r i e n c e s . There are t h r e e c r i t e r i a e s s e n t i a l t o d e f i n i n g t h i s k i n d o f abuse: f i r s t l y , the age of the v i c t i m ; secondly, the type o f s e x u a l b e h a v i o r encountered by the v i c t i m ; and t h i r d l y , the c r i t e r i a f o r d e f i n i n g the sexual b e h a v i o r as n e c e s s a r i l y abusive ( F i n k e l h o r , 1986). Regarding the types of sexual b e h a v i o r t h a t o c c u r r e d , the l i t e r a t u r e r e f e r s t o two broad c a t e g o r i e s : c o n t a c t abuse and non-contact abuse. F i n k e l h o r (1986) d e f i n e s c o n t a c t abuse as " a l l b e h a v i o r s t h a t do i n v o l v e sexual c o n t a c t , i n c l u d i n g f o n d l i n g of b r e a s t s and g e n i t a l s , i n t e r c o u r s e , and o r a l o r a n a l sex" (p. 23). Non-contact abuse encompasses two types o f b e h a v i o r : "encounters w i t h e x h i b i t i o n i s t s and s o l i c i t a t i o n t o engage i n sexual a c t i v i t y , where no p h y s i c a l c o n t a c t o c c u r r e d " ( F i n k e l h o r , p. 23) . What d e f i n e s sexual b e h a v i o r as abusive u s u a l l y i n v o l v e s an age d i f f e r e n c e between the o f f e n d e r and the v i c t i m , o f t e n of f i v e y e a rs i n c h i l d h o o d and t e n years i n adolescence, as w e l l as the power t h a t t h i s age d i f f e r e n c e g i v e s the p e r p e t r a t o r over the v i c t i m (Fromuth, 1983). But t h i s does not address the abuse 3 p e r p e t r a t e d by peers. T h i s i s s u e has been addressed by the requirement t h a t the sexual b e h a v i o r be unwanted ( R u s s e l l , 1983), f o r c e d (Burnam, 1985), or c o e r c i v e (Wyatt, 1985). For the purposes o f t h i s p r e s e n t study sexual abuse w i l l be d e f i n e d as "the s e x u a l e x p l o i t a t i o n and/or t o u c h i n g o f a person who i s deve l o p m e n t a l l y and/or p h y s i c a l l y unable t o r e s i s t the c o n t a c t " (Jones, 1987). T h i s d e f i n i t i o n covers both c o n t a c t and non-c o n t a c t abuse as w e l l as the developmental and p h y s i c a l a b i l i t i e s of the v i c t i m t o r e s i s t the p e r p e t r a t o r . These o p e r a t i o n a l d e f i n i t i o n s w i l l g i v e some c r i t e r i a f o r choosing s u b j e c t s as w e l l as comparisons of t h i s r e s e a r c h w i t h p a s t and f u t u r e s t u d i e s . A survey p r o b i n g f o r a v a r i e t y o f forms of sexual abuse ( R u s s e l l , 1983) found o n l y a s m a l l number of the 930 San F r a n c i s c o women who r e p o r t e d having been v i c t i m i z e d b e f o r e age 14 (experienced unwanted sexual touching) a c t u a l l y r e p o r t e d being abused by a r e l a t i v e . I f a p o r t i o n o f those r e l a t i v e s i n c l u d e d b r o t h e r s , c o u s i n s , and u n c l e s then i n many of the cases the f a t h e r o f the v i c t i m was not the o f f e n d i n g person. Father-daughter sexual abuse holds a l o t o f "taboos" i n our s o c i e t y and the e f f e c t s of such abuse would be assumed t o be profound and severe. Non-offending f a t h e r s are f a r l e s s s e n s a t i o n a l t o p i c s f o r r e s e a r c h than understanding the impact of abuse on the v i c t i m , the preva l e n c e o f the problem, and understanding the o f f e n d e r . These areas have taken p r i o r i t y 4 over u n d e r s t a n d i n g the " r i p p l e e f f e c t " of the abuse i n t o other members o f the v i c t i m ' s immediate f a m i l y , and the l a r g e r systems i n v o l v e d , such as s c h o o l , church and work p l a c e . As i n any trauma experienced by a f a m i l y , c h i l d s e x u a l abuse i n t r o d u c e s d i f f i c u l t i e s f o r a l l members of the f a m i l y . The purpose o f t h i s study i s t o be g i n t o understand the e f f e c t s of c h i l d s e x u a l abuse on non-offending f a t h e r s o f the v i c t i m s . I t i s hoped t h a t by b e g i n n i n g t o understand n o n - o f f e n d i n g f a t h e r s a d d i t i o n a l r e s e a r c h w i l l be generated and a more comprehensive treatment p r o c e s s can be o f f e r e d f a m i l i e s i n which c h i l d s e x u a l abuse has o c c u r r e d . The q u e s t i o n b e i n g addressed by t h i s study i s : What are the e x p e r i e n c e s of non-offending f a t h e r s f o l l o w i n g the d i s c l o s u r e o f the se x u a l abuse of one or more of t h e i r c h i l d r e n ? T h i s w i l l i n c l u d e an e x p l o r a t i o n o f t h e i r i n i t i a l response t o the d i s c l s o u r e o f se x u a l abuse, how they attempted t o d e a l w i t h t h i s i n f o r m a t i o n , and how i t a f f e c t e d t h e i r f a m i l y . " E x p e r i e n c e s " w i l l be d e f i n e d as the p e r c e p t i o n s , thoughts, emotions and a c t i o n s o f the f a t h e r . I t i s hoped t h a t from understanding the e f f e c t s o f c h i l d s e x u a l abuse on the c h i l d ' s n o n -offending f a t h e r and h i s f a m i l y i t w i l l be p o s s i b l e t o b e g i n t o c l a r i f y treatment needs and t o c l a r i f y t he need f o r f u r t h e r r e s e a r c h i n t o the e f f e c t s and treatment o f c h i l d s e xual abuse on a l a r g e r systems l e v e l . Chapter I I of t h i s t h e s i s w i l l e x p l o r e the t h e o r e t i c a l and r e s e a r c h l i t e r a t u r e on c h i l d s e xual abuse as i t r e l a t e s t o a 5 f a t h e r ' s response t o t h i s t r a u m a t i c event. I t w i l l i n c l u d e some d i s c u s s i o n on the r o l e s of the f a t h e r i n the f a m i l y and how these r o l e s may be a f f e c t e d by an abuse of a c h i l d . F i n a l l y , the p o s s i b l e l o s s e s and accompanying g r i e f e x p e r i e n c e d by a f a t h e r w i l l be d e s c r i b e d w i t h some hypotheses made as t o p o s s i b l e h e l p f u l t h e r a p e u t i c a l t e r n a t i v e s . Chapter I I I w i l l d e s c r i b e the methodology used i n t h i s study as w e l l as the r a t i o n a l e behind choosing a q u a l i t a t i v e approach. A d e s c r i p t i o n of c h o i c e o f s u b j e c t s , the data c o l l e c t i o n p r o c e s s , and the pro c e s s o f data a n a l y s i s w i l l a l s o be i n c l u d e d . Chapter IV w i l l p r e s e n t the co n c e p t u a l f i n d i n g s o f t h i s study. T h i s w i l l i n c l u d e the emerging c a t e g o r i e s , t h e i r r e s p e c t i v e p r o p e r t i e s , the meaning t h a t these p r o p e r t i e s have f o r each category, and the meaning t h a t each c a t e g o r y has i n c l a r i f y i n g the experience of these f a t h e r s . These w i l l be supported by q u o t a t i o n s from the men i n t e r v i e w e d . The f i n a l Chapter w i l l d i s c u s s the ext e n t t o which these f a t h e r s support and/or add t o , or r e f u t e the t h e o r y developed i n Chapter I I . I t w i l l a l s o i d e n t i f y the l i m i t a t i o n s and make c o n c l u s i o n s c o n c e r n i n g the impact of these f i n d i n g s on p r a c t i c e , and i d e n t i f y the need f o r f u r t h e r r e s e a r c h . CHAPTER I I THE EXPERIENCE OF THE NON-OFFENDING FATHER C u r r e n t l y t h e r e e x i s t s a d e a r t h o f i n f o r m a t i o n c o n c e r n i n g how c h i l d s e x u a l abuse a f f e c t s the non - o f f e n d i n g f a t h e r . In o r d e r t o attempt t o understand the experi e n c e of the non-o f f e n d i n g f a t h e r , a t h e o r e t i c a l framework w i l l be developed from the r e l a t e d l i t e r a t u r e . S e c t i o n A of t h i s Chapter w i l l attempt t o c l a r i f y the non - o f f e n d i n g f a t h e r s ' p o s t - d i s c l o s u r e experience of h i s c h i l d ' s s e x u a l abuse. S e c t i o n B w i l l o u t l i n e the r o l e s a f a t h e r may ex p e r i e n c e i n h i s f a m i l y and d i s c u s s how these r o l e s may be thwarted o r a l t e r e d by the d i s c l o s u r e o f h i s c h i l d ' s s e x u a l abuse. E f f e c t s o f D i s c l o s u r e o f Sexual Abuse on the F a t h e r A c h i l d who has been s e x u a l l y abused may d i s p l a y a v a r i e t y of d i s t u r b i n g b e h a v i o r s p r i o r t o v e r b a l l y d i s c l o s i n g the abuse t o another person. I f the c h i l d i s r e l u c t a n t t o d i s c l o s e the abuse, as i n many cases, b e h a v i o r a l i n d i c a t o r s may be the i n i t i a l cues t o pa r e n t s t h a t abuse has o c c u r r e d (Kope, 1984). These b e h a v i o r s may v a r y a c c o r d i n g t o the age of the v i c t i m , type o f abuse, and r e l a t i o n s h i p o f the p e r p e t r a t o r t o the v i c t i m , and i n c l u d e s e l f - d e s t r u c t i v e behavior, running away, d e p r e s s i v e symptoms, a n x i e t y r e a c t i o n s , and del i n q u e n c y (Kempe & 6 7 Kempe, 1979). T h i s change i n a c h i l d ' s b e h a v i o r may e l i c i t r e a c t i o n s i n the f a t h e r who witnesses and l o o k s f o r the meaning behind the b e h a v i o r . He may be confused i n i t i a l l y and wonder i f e i t h e r he o r h i s spouse needs t o change t h e i r p a r e n t i n g i n some way. I f the c h i l d i s running away, the f a t h e r may m i s i n t e r p r e t the b e h a v i o r as d e f i a n t and seek t o c o n t r o l the c h i l d w i t h i n c r e a s e d d i s c i p l i n e . T h i s may i n c r e a s e the c o n f l i c t w i t h the c h i l d and o t h e r members of the f a m i l y , w h i l e m i s s i n g the message i n h e r e n t i n the be h a v i o r . As a r e s u l t the f a t h e r may be confused and f r u s t r a t e d . F u r t h e r problems w i t h the c h i l d ' s b e h a v i o r may l e a d t o se e k i n g p r o f e s s i o n a l h e l p from a s c h o o l c o u n s e l l o r , d o c t o r , o r t h e r a p i s t . T h i s p r o f e s s i o n a l may, a t some p o i n t , i n t e r p r e t the p r e - d i s c l o s u r e b e h a v i o r as an i n d i c a t i o n o f sex u a l abuse. T h i s may then l e a d t o an e x p l o r a t i o n p r o c e s s d u r i n g which the c h i l d d i s c l o s e s t h a t s e x u a l abuse has o c c u r r e d (MacFarlane, 1986). Once the c h i l d d i s c l o s e s the i d e n t i t y o f the p e r p e t r a t o r , the p r o f e s s i o n a l must then d e c i d e i f the c h i l d o r o t h e r c h i l d r e n are at r i s k o f f u r t h e r abuse. I f the p r o f e s s i o n a l person has reason t o b e l i e v e the r i s k t o the c h i l d i s pre s e n t , he or she must c o n t a c t the p r o v i n c i a l M i n i s t r y o f S o c i a l S e r v i c e s and Housing ( S e c t i o n 7, B.C. Family and C h i l d S e r v i c e A c t ) . I f the c h i l d does not know or w i l l not d i s c l o s e the i d e n t i t y o f the p e r p e t r a t o r , the f a t h e r o f the c h i l d f r e q u e n t l y comes under s u s p i c i o n ( F i n k e l h o r , 1984; Regehr, 1988). Q u e s t i o n i n g o f a non-offending f a t h e r about h i s r o l e i n the 8 abuse of h i s c h i l d can be a d e v a s t a t i n g o c c u r r e n c e . He may be i n t e r v i e w e d by s o c i a l workers and p o l i c e , and go through the t u r m o i l o f d e f e n d i n g h i m s e l f a g a i n s t f a l s e a c c u s a t i o n s . T h i s may a l s o b r i n g him i n t o c o n f l i c t w i t h h i s w i f e , or p a r t n e r , and c h i l d r e n , as w e l l as h i s extended f a m i l y and f r i e n d s . Even i f c l e a r e d , he may have t o d e a l w i t h the l i n g e r i n g doubts of these people. A p a r t from a f a l s e a c c u s a t i o n , a f a t h e r w i l l have t o go through the p r o c e s s of l e a r n i n g the r o l e s of the v a r i o u s s o c i a l a g e ncies i n v o l v e d i n a s e x u a l abuse i n v e s t i g a t i o n . The l i t e r a t u r e r e f l e c t s a growing concern about the e f f e c t s of t h i s , u s u a l l y p r o t r a c t e d , p r o c e s s on the v i c t i m (Conte, 1984). As w i t h v i c t i m s , i t i s a n t i c i p a t e d t h a t i n s e n s i t i v e or incompetent h a n d l i n g of the case and/or the v i c t i m and f a m i l y members, w i l l l e a d t o an i n c r e a s e of s t r e s s f u l r e a c t i o n s on the p a r t of the f a t h e r over and above what he may have experi e n c e d i f a l l f a c e t s of the i n v e s t i g a t i o n p rocess were handled w e l l . The r e a c t i o n of the p a r e n t s t o the d i s c l o s u r e has been noted as h a v i n g a s i g n i f i c a n t impact on the b e h a v i o r and treatment o f the v i c t i m ( P e l l e t i e r and Handy, 1986; S g r o i , 1982). One can o n l y imagine what t h i s e x p e r i e n c e must be l i k e f o r f a t h e r s . D i s c l o s u r e , however, i s o n l y the b e g i n n i n g as a f a t h e r must then n e g o t i a t e c o n t a c t w i t h the p o l i c e department, the a p p r o p r i a t e s o c i a l s e r v i c e s agency, the medical system where an examination of the v i c t i m i s r e q u i r e d or p h y s i c a l treatment needed, the c o u r t p r o c e s s i f charges should be l a i d a g a i n s t the 9 p e r p e t r a t o r , and the s c h o o l system i f t e a c h e r s must be made aware of the abuse and co r r e s p o n d i n g b e h a v i o r problems. As w e l l as t h e s e systems, a f a t h e r may have t o approach h i s employer t o e x p l a i n h i s s t r e s s on the job o r needed time o f f f o r meetings and/or r e s t . The shear number o f p r o f e s s i o n a l s i n v o l v e d a t t h i s p o i n t may be overwhelming. The f a t h e r may a l s o have t o work out c o n f l i c t w i t h h i s spouse which may a r i s e as a r e s u l t o f the s t r e s s f u l p r o c e s s e s put i n t o motion by the abuse and i t s subsequent d i s c l o s u r e . C h a r l e s (1987) d e s c r i b e s the v a r i o u s e x p e r i e n c e s o f non-o f f e n d i n g mothers of c h i l d r e n who were s e x u a l l y abused by the f a t h e r , o r f a t h e r f i g u r e i n the f a m i l y . These mothers encountered d i v i d e d l o y a l t i e s between the v i c t i m and p e r p e t r a t o r ; changed r e l a t i o n s h i p s a t v a r i o u s l e v e l s ; f e e l i n g s o f g u i l t , h e l p l e s s n e s s and c o n f u s i o n a t not b e i n g a b l e t o p r o t e c t t h e i r c h i l d r e n ; and a pro c e s s of somehow r e o r g a n i z i n g t h e i r l i v e s i n t o normal f u n c t i o n i n g as a f a m i l y . Non-offending f a t h e r s may v e r y w e l l experience s i m i l a r i s s u e s . I f the f a t h e r knows the p e r p e t r a t o r (another member of the f a m i l y , f a m i l y f r i e n d o r te a c h e r , f o r example), he may ex p e r i e n c e a k i n d o f d i v i d e d l o y a l t y . Regehr (1988) c i t e s f e e l i n g s of no n - o f f e n d i n g p a r e n t s which i n c l u d e g u i l t , f e e l i n g s o f f a i l u r e as p a r e n t s , embarrassment, and s e l f - c r i t i c i s m . T h i s may r e s u l t i n o v e r - p r o t e c t i o n o f t h e i r c h i l d r e n . F a t h e r s may experi e n c e anger toward the p e r p e t r a t o r as w e l l as a need f o r r e t r i b u t i o n . They may a l s o experience 10 some anger toward the v i c t i m i f the c h i l d ' s a c t i o n s are p e r c e i v e d as c o n t r i b u t i n g t o the v u l n e r a b i l i t y by perhaps being i n t he "wrong p a r t o f town" o r a t a p a r t y where the "wrong crowd" hangs out. T h i s i s e s p e c i a l l y n o t i c e a b l e when the v i c t i m i s a teen-ager (Regehr, 1988). A f a t h e r may ex p e r i e n c e sadness and r e g r e t a t exposing the c h i l d t o the c o u r t p r o c e s s w i t h i t s i n t e r v i e w s , h e a r i n g s , testimony and t r i a l p r o c e e d i n g s . Wanting t o p r o t e c t a young c h i l d who has s u f f e r e d the trauma of sexual abuse from the e f f e c t s o f t e s t i f y i n g under c r o s s - e x a m i n a t i o n i s understandable. The c h i l d , the f a t h e r , and the r e s t o f the f a m i l y a l l must endure the emotional tumult around r e s o l v i n g the e f f e c t s o f the abuse. The f a t h e r may a l s o e x p e r i e n c e tremendous l o s s s i m i l a r t o the l o s s e s e x p e r i e n c e d by no n - o f f e n d i n g mothers ( C h a r l e s , 1987). Loss o f the dream of an i d e a l f a m i l y , l o s s o f a p o s i t i v e c h i l d h o o d experience f o r a l l of h i s c h i l d r e n , l o s s of harmony i n h i s marriage, and perhaps l o s s of a r e l a t i o n s h i p with the p e r p e t r a t o r made e s p e c i a l l y d i f f i c u l t i f the p e r p e t r a t o r was a son, c l o s e r e l a t i v e , o r a c l o s e f r i e n d . Men have t r a d i t i o n a l l y been seen by s o c i a l s e r v i c e p r o f e s s i o n a l s as not o v e r t l y emotional and i n some cases seen as i n s e n s i t i v e o r d i s t a n t (Walsh, 1988). F a t h e r s , as c o n t r a s t e d w i t h mothers, may have a d i f f e r e n t way of e x p r e s s i n g t h e i r emotions around the abuse of t h e i r c h i l d r e n which may be r e f l e c t e d i n r e p o r t s o f t h e i r e x p e r i e n c e s (Walsh, 1988). I t i s important t o be aware of p o s s i b l e gender d i f f e r e n c e s . T r a d i t i o n a l l y , non-contact forms of abuse such as e x h i b i t i o n i s m , unwanted v e r b a l s e x u a l p r o p o s i t i o n s , and voyeurism have g e n e r a l l y been regarded as a nuisance, having l i t t l e p s y c h o l o g i c a l impact on the v i c t i m . However, e x h i b i t i o n i s m i s "widely c o n s i d e r e d a c r i m i n a l a c t , the i n t e n t of which i s t o shock and f r i g h t e n , and t h e r e f o r e m e r i t s the same c o n s i d e r a t i o n as c o n t a c t abuse, which may, i n some cases, be l e s s i n t i m i d a t i n g t o a c h i l d " ( F i n k e l h o r , 1986, p. 25). As w e l l , a s e x u a l p r o p o s i t i o n coming from an i n a p p r o p r i a t e source such as a c l o s e r e l a t i v e , t e acher, o r c a r e g i v e r may have a s i g n i f i c a n t e f f e c t on a c h i l d . Voyeurism, once d i s c o v e r e d by the v i c t i m , may a g a i n produce a s i g n i f i c a n t p s y c h o l o g i c a l r e a c t i o n i f the v i c t i m p e r c e i v e s her p r i v a c y , or even s a f e t y , to have been v i o l a t e d . The r e a c t i o n s of the f a t h e r t o l e a r n i n g about the abuse of h i s c h i l d may a l s o be determined somewhat by the type of abuse encountered by the c h i l d ( F i n k e l h o r , 198 6 ) . The r e l a t i o n s h i p of the p e r p e t r a t o r t o the v i c t i m may e l i c i t a p a r t i c u l a r response from the f a t h e r . The sex and/or age of the c h i l d may a l s o c o n t r i b u t e t o the type of response expe r i e n c e d by the f a t h e r . These c h a r a c t e r i s t i c s may a l s o have some impact on the l a s t i n g e f f e c t s of the abuse on the f a t h e r . Contact abuse i n c l u d e s the f u l l range of s e x u a l c o n t a c t w i t h the v i c t i m " i n c l u d i n g f o n d l i n g of b r e a s t s and g e n i t a l s , i n t e r c o u r s e , and o r a l or a n a l sex" ( F i n k e l h o r , 1986, p. 23). Though r e s u l t s of e m p i r i c a l s t u d i e s are i n c o n s i s t e n t , i t does appear t h a t g e n e r a l l y c o n t a c t abuse r e s u l t s i n g r e a t e r trauma 12 f o r the v i c t i m than does non-contact abuse, w i t h p e n e t r a t i o n o f f e n c e s b e i n g some of the most t r a u m a t i c ( R u s s e l l , 1986). Key f a c t o r s i n f l u e n c i n g the degree of trauma e x p e r i e n c e d by v i c t i m s has been d e s c r i b e d by Groth (1978). These i n c l u d e s i t u a t i o n s where the abuse: occurs over an extended d u r a t i o n , occurs w i t h a c l o s e r e l a t i v e , i n c l u d e s p e n e t r a t i o n of some k i n d , and i s p e r p e t r a t e d i n an a g g r e s s i v e manner. MacFarlane (1978) a l s o i n c l u d e d abuse i n which the v i c t i m p a r t i c i p a t e s i n some way, . where p a r e n t s r e a c t u n s u p p o r t i v e l y t o the d i s c l o s u r e , and the c h i l d i s o l d enough t o understand t h a t c u l t u r a l taboos have been v i o l a t e d . The r e a c t i o n of a f a t h e r t o the knowledge t h a t h i s c h i l d had been abused i n t h i s way would depend upon the p e r c e p t i o n h e l d by the f a t h e r about t h i s type of abuse. Indeed, h i s response may become more i n t e n s e as he l e a r n s of the p o s s i b l e n e g a t i v e e f f e c t s of t h i s type of abuse on h i s c h i l d . I t would seem t h a t a f a t h e r ' s experience of h i s c h i l d h a v ing been abused would be i n f l u e n c e d by h i s understanding of the type of the abuse t h a t o c c u r r e d . The p o s s i b l e e f f e c t s t h i s event may have on h i s c h i l d , both immediately and i n the l o n g term, would a l s o c o n t r i b u t e t o h i s r e a c t i o n as he c o n s i d e r s h i s r o l e i n not being a b l e t o keep the abuse from happening and i n h e l p i n g the v i c t i m and the f a m i l y as a whole r e c o v e r . 13 Father Role A c r i s i s event such as the s e x u a l abuse of one's c h i l d may i n t r o d u c e changes or emotional r e a c t i o n s r e v o l v i n g around a f a t h e r ' s p e r c e p t i o n of h i s r o l e i n the f a m i l y . E r i k s o n (1985) t h e o r i z e d about the v a r i o u s r o l e s the f a t h e r p l a y s i n c h i l d development, such as p s y c h o s o c i a l i d e n t i t y , h i s t o r i c a l i d e n t i t y , f a m i l y u n i t y , and a sense of p e r s o n a l power and c o n t r o l . E r i k s o n s p e c u l a t e s t h a t a c r i s i s can prevent a c h i l d from m a s t e r i n g developmental t a s k s and a r r e s t development at or near the p o i n t o f the trauma. From t h i s p e r s p e c t i v e , the v a r i o u s r o l e s of the f a t h e r (as i n i d e n t i t y formation) most c e r t a i n l y w i l l be a f f e c t e d . Lynn (1974) d e s c r i b e s the v a r i o u s r o l e s p l a y e d by f a t h e r s : a u t h o r i t y f i g u r e , masculine model, problem-solver, p r o t e c t o r , p u n i s h e r , n u r t u r e r . Should abuse of a c h i l d appear as f a i l u r e on the p a r t of the f a t h e r t o f u l f i l l h i s r o l e i n the f a m i l y , i t c o u l d be p r e d i c t e d t h a t the f a t h e r ' s e x p e r i e n c e of t h a t apparent f a i l u r e c o u l d j e o p a r d i z e h i s r e l a t i o n s h i p w i t h the abused c h i l d and w i t h o t h e r f a m i l y members. Green (1976) emphasizes the need f o r a f a t h e r ' s r o l e t o be expanded t o i n c l u d e the s h a r i n g of f e e l i n g s even i f those f e e l i n g s are d i f f i c u l t . T h i s i n t i m a c y w i t h o t h e r f a m i l y members, even i n times of c r i s i s , can enhance developmental growth i n c h i l d r e n as w e l l as enhance the marriage (Green, 1976). I t appears t h a t changes i n the f a t h e r ' s e x p e r i e n c e of h i s r o l e , and of h i s success a t t h a t r o l e , a l s o 14 a f f e c t o t h e r f a m i l y members i n s i g n i f i c a n t ways, not the l e a s t of which i s i n the area of the development of the c h i l d r e n (Cath, G u r w i t t and Ross, 1982). Of the v a r i e t y of r o l e s p l a y e d by f a t h e r s , the one most o v e r t l y thwarted by the s e x u a l abuse of a c h i l d i s t h a t of p r o t e c t o r . Regehr (1988) d i s c u s s e s the g u i l t e x p e r i e n c e d by n o n - o f f e n d i n g p a r e n t s who p e r c e i v e t h e i r i n a b i l i t y t o p r o t e c t t h e i r abused c h i l d from harm. A f a t h e r may be c o m pletely unable t o p r o t e c t a c h i l d from b e i n g abused because p e r p e t r a t o r s are n o t o r i o u s l y s e c r e t i v e and d e c e i t f u l about t h e i r a c t i o n s . C h a r l e s (1987) found a c e r t a i n degree of t h i s ambivalence about the p r o t e c t o r r o l e i n her study of n o n - o f f e n d i n g mothers. I f a f a t h e r does not b e l i e v e he can p r o t e c t h i s c h i l d from a l l the u n healthy elements of the environment, then he i s l e s s l i k e l y t o f e e l g u i l t about not b e i n g a b l e t o p r o t e c t h i s c h i l d a b s o l u t e l y . Another component of a f a t h e r ' s e x p e r i e n c e of h i s p r o t e c t o r r o l e comes i n t o p l a y subsequent t o the d i s c l o s u r e of the abuse. A f a t h e r may f e e l acute anguish a t h a ving t o a l l o w h i s abused c h i l d , and the r e s t o f h i s f a m i l y , t o e x p e r i e n c e the p o s t -d i s c l o s u r e trauma of the c h i l d p r o t e c t i o n i n v e s t i g a t i o n , p o l i c e i n v e s t i g a t i o n , and c r i m i n a l c o u r t p r o c e e d i n g s . The f a t h e r may be f r u s t r a t e d i n h i s attempts t o s h i e l d h i s c h i l d from the many i n t e r v i e w s and t e s t i m o n i e s u s u a l l y accompanying the p o s t -d i s c l o s u r e p r o c e s s e s . The f a t h e r i s o f t e n unable t o p r o t e c t the f a m i l y from incompetent or i n s e n s i t i v e i n v e s t i g a t o r s as w e l l . These f e e l i n g s of anguish and f r u s t r a t i o n may be exacerbated i f 15 the p e r p e t r a t o r does not go t o t r i a l , o r i s not c o n v i c t e d . I r o n i c a l l y , c o u n s e l l i n g so o f t e n sought by f a m i l i e s can c a r r y a c e r t a i n stigma or a t l e a s t a con s t a n t reminder of the abuse from which the f a t h e r may have d i f f i c u l t y i n p r o t e c t i n g the f a m i l y . The f a t h e r may a l s o b e g i n t o o v e r p r o t e c t the c h i l d i n o r d e r t o compensate f o r p r e v i o u s l y " f a i l i n g " t o do so. Another r o l e a f f e c t e d by the abuse of a c h i l d i s t h a t of n u r t u r e r (Lynn, 1974). A f a t h e r whose c h i l d has been abused may become o v e r l y s e n s i t i v e t o how h i s p h y s i c a l and v e r b a l a f f e c t i o n may be misc o n s t r u e d by the abused c h i l d . I f the c h i l d were seduced or coe r c e d by the p e r p e t r a t o r u s i n g a f f e c t i o n as b a i t , the f a t h e r may wonder i f h i s a c t i o n s toward the c h i l d a re i n f a c t g i v i n g mixed messages. He may a l s o become h y p e r - v i g i l a n t i n s c r e e n i n g h i s a c t i o n s as p o s s i b l y h a ving s e x u a l overtones f o r the c h i l d . A simple hug or arm around the sh o u l d e r of the c h i l d may be seen by the f a t h e r as now a s s o c i a t e d w i t h the abuse of a s e x u a l l y abused c h i l d . T h i s s e n s i t i v i t y may a l s o be g e n e r a l i z e d t o o t h e r c h i l d r e n i n the f a m i l y o r a l l c h i l d r e n as the f a t h e r becomes more c a u t i o u s about how h i s a c t i o n s are p e r c e i v e d by c h i l d r e n . T h i s can be a tremendous l o s s f o r a f a t h e r as the innocence of f a t h e r l y a f f e c t i o n then becomes a reminder of the abuse of h i s c h i l d . I f the f a t h e r was p h y s i c a l l y a t t r a c t e d t o h i s c h i l d r e n , the heightened s e n s i t i v i t y t o se x u a l i m p l i c a t i o n s may a l s o r e s u l t i n f e e l i n g s o f g u i l t around the taboos of sexual f e e l i n g s . Unable t o f r e e l y n u r t u r e h i s c h i l d r e n , the non-16 o f f e n d i n g f a t h e r may h i m s e l f need some treatment around t h i s i s s u e . As a r o l e model f o r h i s c h i l d r e n , a f a t h e r must work w i t h h i s own p e r c e p t i o n of m a s c u l i n i t y (Lynn, 1974). Of t e n t h i s i s confounded by ambivalence around e x p r e s s i n g emotions. He may have d i f f i c u l t y e x p r e s s i n g and r e s o l v i n g h i s sadness, g r i e f , f e a r and anger aroused by the abuse event. He may be unsure what p o s t u r e t o take r e l a t i v e t o h i s c h i l d r e n i n d e a l i n g w i t h h i s emotions. Should he f a i l t o meet h i s spouse's e x p e c t a t i o n s o f how a man s h o u l d handle t h i s , c o n f l i c t c o u l d a r i s e which would h i n d e r the f u n c t i o n i n g of the f a m i l y and p o s s i b l y a f f e c t the v i c t i m ' s p r o g r e s s i n treatment. I t i s common f o r c h i l d r e n t o i n t e r n a l i z e blame f o r t h e i r p a r e n t s ' c o n f l i c t which, i n the case o f an abused c h i l d , c o u l d make s u c c e s s f u l treatment a d i f f i c u l t t a s k . I f the f a t h e r views h i m s e l f as the p r o t e c t o r he may q u e s t i o n whether he should a c t out some form of r e t r i b u t i o n on the abuser. I f the f a t h e r i s seen as an a u t h o r i t y f i g u r e or p u n i s h e r i n the f a m i l y , the abuse of a c h i l d may l e a d t o a p o l a r i z i n g of the r e g u l a r d i s c i p l i n e p a t t e r n (Lynn, 1974). One response c o u l d be t o become l e n i e n t w i t h the abused c h i l d i n an attempt t o be s e n s i t i v e t o , y e t not adding t o , the trauma the c h i l d has a l r e a d y e x p e r i e n c e d . T h i s may l e a d t o resentment and some l o s s o f c o n t r o l on the p a r t of the o t h e r c h i l d r e n , as w e l l as some a d d i t i o n a l b e h a v i o r a l d i s t u r b a n c e s i n the v i c t i m . Conversely, the f a t h e r of an abused c h i l d may "clamp down" on h i s d i s c i p l i n e 17 of the c h i l d , perhaps f e e l i n g t h a t a l a c k o f proper p a r e n t a l c o n t r o l i n the f i r s t p l a c e c o n t r i b u t e d t o the abuse i n some way. T h i s may cause a d d i t i o n a l c o n f l i c t as the abused c h i l d o r other c h i l d r e n f e e l suppressed i n t h e i r g o a l t o get on w i t h t h e i r development. C o n f l i c t w i t h the spouse may a l s o come as a r e s u l t o f d i f f e r e n t views o f d i s c i p l i n e o r punishment depending on the i n d i v i d u a l p a r e n t ' s p e r c e p t i o n s . T h i s a g a i n may c o n t r i b u t e t o the f a t h e r ' s l o s s o f the way the f a m i l y used t o be and of h i s b e l i e f s about h i s environment as a s a f e and p r e d i c t a b l e p l a c e . The f a t h e r ' s r o l e as pr o b l e m - s o l v e r c o u l d be enhanced or f r u s t r a t e d as a r e s u l t o f l e a r n i n g about h i s c h i l d ' s abuse (Lynn, 1974) . A f a t h e r who s u c c e s s f u l l y n e g o t i a t e s the d i f f e r e n t agencies and the many pr o c e s s e s necessary t o r e s o l v e the i s s u e s a r i s i n g out of the abuse may g a i n an i n c r e a s e d sense of worth f o r having s u c c e s s f u l l y h e l p e d h i s f a m i l y . Overcoming the h a r d s h i p s and moving on t o r e c o v e r y c o u l d be a v e r y s a t i s f y i n g accomplishment. A f a t h e r , on the o t h e r hand, who i s confounded by "the system", confused by h i s own f e e l i n g s , h u r t by c o n f l i c t s w i t h i n the f a m i l y , and i s i n c r e a s i n g l y d i s t a n t from the ones he l o v e s c o u l d e x p e r i e n c e f a i l u r e as a pr o b l e m - s o l v e r f o r h i s f a m i l y . The r e s u l t i n g i n t e r n a l i s s u e s of g u i l t , l o s s , f a i l u r e and a n x i e t y may or may not be s u c c e s s f u l l y r e s o l v e d through some form of treatment o r w i t h i n the h e a l i n g power of the f a m i l y system. One t h i n g i s c l e a r , h i s p e r c e p t i o n o f h i s r o l e as p r o b l e m - s o l v e r w i l l be a f f e c t e d i n some way, p o s i t i v e l y o r n e g a t i v e l y , by the sex u a l abuse of h i s c h i l d . Thus the 18 f a t h e r has many r o l e s , a r t i c u l a t e d and unspoken, which w i l l be a f f e c t e d by a t r a u m a t i c event i n t r o d u c e d i n t o the f a m i l y system. The v i c t i m has been the focus o f treatment f o r se x u a l abuse i n t he p a s t (Conte, 1984). With the i n c r e a s i n g evidence t h a t o t h e r members o f the v i c t i m ' s f a m i l y are p r o f o u n d l y a f f e c t e d by the d i s c l o s u r e o f the abuse, treatment must move t o a broader, s y s t e m i c approach ( G i a r r e t t o , 1982). C o u n s e l l i n g may be a combination o f h e l p f u l as w e l l as d i f f i c u l t e x p e r i e n c e s f o r the f a t h e r , depending upon the s e n s i t i v i t y and competence of the t h e r a p i s t and the i s s u e s b e i n g d e a l t w i t h by the f a t h e r and h i s f a m i l y . The non-offending f a t h e r w i l l have t o be i n c l u d e d i n some form o f f a m i l y , group, and/or i n d i v i d u a l therapy. T h i s w i l l p r o v i d e a necessary o u t l e t f o r him t o express h i s emotions around the se x u a l abuse of h i s c h i l d , i n c l u d i n g changes and l o s s e s i n h i s r e l a t i o n s h i p s , as w e l l as h i s p e r c e p t i o n o f h i m s e l f . Agencies w i l l have t o become more aware of working w i t h a l l members of the f a m i l y , not j u s t the v i c t i m o f the se x u a l abuse (Freeman, 1981). CHAPTER I I I METHODOLOGY  Method: E x p l o r a t o r y Research In b e g i n n i n g t o understand a phenomenon, r e s e a r c h must s t r i v e t o g a i n c o n c e p t u a l c l a r i t y o f the phenomenon i n q u e s t i o n . Schrag (1967) suggests t h a t i n the o r y c o n s t r u c t i o n , one must move from everyday o b s e r v a t i o n t o c o n s t r u c t i n g t h e o r i e s f i r s t i n "common sense" terms and unorganized i m p r e s s i o n s . From t h e r e , one may move t o more s y s t e m a t i c o b s e r v a t i o n and d e s c r i b e t h e o r y i n more d e f i n e d concepts, g e n e r a l i z a t i o n s and l a w - l i k e assumptions. From t h i s p o i n t , r e s e a r c h may move on t o c o n t r o l l e d experiments l e a d i n g t o t h e o r e t i c a l concepts, p o s t u l a t e s and theorems. To date, courses o f treatment and t h e o r i e s o f the impact of sexual abuse on the non- o f f e n d i n g and non-offended members are not based on s y s t e m a t i c o b s e r v a t i o n or w e l l - d e f i n e d t h e o r i e s . For t h i s reason, t h i s study w i l l attempt t o l a y the co n c e p t u a l f o u n d a t i o n s f o r n o n - o f f e n d i n g f a t h e r s of s e x u a l l y abused c h i l d r e n . Arkava and Lave (1983) suggest t h a t when a r e s e a r c h t o p i c i s p o o r l y understood i t i s a p p r o p r i a t e t o engage i n " e x p l o r a t o r y - d e s c r i p t i v e r e s e a r c h " (p. 190). E x p l o r a t o r y i s an a p p r o p r i a t e term t o i l l u s t r a t e the type o f r e s e a r c h b e i n g conducted i n t h i s study. As l i t t l e i s known about the 19 e x p e r i e n c e s o f no n - o f f e n d i n g f a t h e r s , t h i s i s new t e r r i t o r y with few r e f e r e n c e p o i n t s w i t h which t o compare the o b s e r v a t i o n s . At t h i s stage o f i n q u i r y , a q u a l i t a t i v e approach t o g a t h e r i n g i n f o r m a t i o n and a n a l y s i n g data w i l l p r o v i d e a r i c h b a s e l i n e (Patton, 1980) from which t o understand the phenomena and t o p l a n f o r treatment. I t i s the q u a l i t y o f the men's experiences, and not a q u a n t i f i e d standard, t h a t i s of i n t e r e s t a t t h i s p r e l i m i n a r y stage of r e s e a r c h . S e l e c t i o n o f F a t h e r s The s u b j e c t s were s e l e c t e d on the grounds t h a t they were known not t o be the o f f e n d e r , t h e i r c h i l d was abused b e f o r e t u r n i n g 19 y e a r s of age, they were the b i o l o g i c a l o r s t e p - f a t h e r of the c h i l d abused, and had been i n some form of treatment as a r e s u l t o f the d i s c l o s u r e o f the abuse. The a v a i l a b i l i t y o f f a t h e r s f o r t h i s study was a problem as few men c o u l d be found who met the c r i t e r i a f o r the study. Many of the agencies c o n t a c t e d i n the G r e a t e r Vancouver r e g i o n of B r i t i s h Columbia f o r r e f e r r a l were s u p p o r t i v e o f , even e n t h u s i a s t i c about, the study, but r e g r e t t e d t h a t they had no f a t h e r s i n treatment. . Only one agency ran a group f o r non-offending f a t h e r s . A l e t t e r o f i n t r o d u c t i o n (see Appendix A) was sent t o s i x agen c i e s . F i v e men i n a group f o r non - o f f e n d i n g f a t h e r s a t one agency appeared t o meet the c r i t e r i a . They had a l l been t o a t l e a s t two o f the group meetings. Another f a t h e r who met the 21 c r i t e r i a was a c l i e n t of the r e s e a r c h e r a t the Family P r a c t i c e U n i t of the U n i v e r s i t y of B r i t i s h Columbia. Three of the men i n the f a t h e r s ' group agreed t o be i n t e r v i e w e d , as d i d the c l i e n t of the r e s e a r c h e r . The ages of the f o u r f a t h e r s ranged from 28 years t o 59 y e a r s . Three of the f o u r were b i o l o g i c a l f a t h e r s . One man was the l e g a l s t e p - f a t h e r of the c h i l d r e n ' a b u s e d . Three of the f o u r were l i v i n g w i t h the b i o l o g i c a l mother of the abused c h i l d and the f o u r t h was s e p a r a t e d but s t i l l i n d a i l y c o n t a c t w i t h the c h i l d r e n . The number of c h i l d r e n i n each f a m i l y ranged from two t o f o u r . The g r o s s f a m i l y income of each s u b j e c t ranged from under $30,000 per y e a r t o over $50,000. The f a t h e r s ' v o c a t i o n s i n c l u d e d : apartment manager, p r o f e s s o r , banker, and r e t i r e d heavy machine o p e r a t o r . A l l l i v e d i n the G r e a t e r Vancouver area. Data C o l l e c t i o n : Development of the I n t e r v i e w Guide Common methods o f q u a l i t a t i v e data c o l l e c t i o n i n c l u d e : q u e s t i o n n a i r e s , o b s e r v a t i o n , telephone i n t e r v i e w s , and f a c e - t o -f a c e i n t e r v i e w s ( C h a r l e s , 1987). F a c e - t o - f a c e i n t e r v i e w s were chosen i n the p r e s e n t study as s e x u a l abuse i s an emotion-laden and d i f f i c u l t e x p e r i e n c e f o r a f a m i l y and i t was b e l i e v e d t h a t a f a c e - t o - f a c e i n t e r v i e w w i l l a l l o w f o r f l e x i b i l i t y and s e n s i t i v i t y t o the f a t h e r s ' emotional needs t h a t may s u r f a c e d u r i n g the i n t e r v i e w . Such an i n t e r v i e w a l s o "encourages the I 22 g r e a t e s t p o s s i b l e freedom and honesty of e x p r e s s i o n " ( S e l t i z , Wrightman & Cook, 1986, p. 298). The i n t e r v i e w guide (see Appendix B) a l l o w s f o r q u e s t i o n s t o be c l u s t e r e d around themes t h a t the r e s e a r c h e r b e l i e v e s may be r e l e v a n t t o the f a t h e r s ' e x p e r i e n c e s around t h e i r c h i l d ' s s e x u a l abuse (Patton, 1980) . T h i s i n f o r m a t i o n f o r q u e s t i o n s e l e c t i o n was deduced from what i s known about r e l a t e d areas ( i . e . , c h i l d s e x u a l abuse, f a t h e r i n g r o l e s , g r i e f and l o s s , and e x p e r i e n c e s of non-offending mothers). Four p r o f e s s i o n a l t h e r a p i s t s c u r r e n t l y working w i t h s e x u a l abuse v i c t i m s and t h e i r f a m i l i e s were a l s o c o n s u l t e d as t o r e l e v a n t themes from which to develop q u e s t i o n s . The i n t e r v i e w e r a l s o allowed f o r . s u b j e c t s t o e l a b o r a t e on t h e i r answers i f needed, or accept e x p e r i e n c e s t h a t the f a t h e r s wished t o i n c l u d e t h a t were not addressed by i n t e r v i e w q u e s t i o n s . I t was a n t i c i p a t e d t h a t the guided i n t e r v i e w method of data c o l l e c t i o n would p r o v i d e the balance between s t r u c t u r e and f l e x i b i l i t y b e s t s u i t e d t o e x p l o r a t o r y -d e s c r i p t i v e r e s e a r c h . The f i r s t i n t e r v i e w r e v e a l e d the f o l l o w i n g emerging themes: the need t o h e l p the abused c h i l d , i n a b i l i t y t o prevent the abuse, changes i n f a m i l i a l r e l a t i o n s h i p s , and l o s s of h e a l t h y homeostasis i n the f a m i l y system. These were l i s t e n e d f o r i n subsequent i n t e r v i e w s and i f f a t h e r s d i d not mention them as p a r t o f t h e i r e x p e r i e n c e s , probes were i n s e r t e d a t a p p r o p r i a t e times t o ask about s i m i l a r experiences ( G l a s e r and S t r a u s s , 1967) . C r e d i b i l i t y In a q u a l i t a t i v e s t u d y , the c r e d i b i l i t y o f the s ta tements made by i n t e r v i e w e e s i s impor tan t ( G l a s e r & S t r a u s s , 1967) . I t i s i m p o r t a n t t o be m i n d f u l o f key f a c t o r s which might i n f l u e n c e the s u b j e c t s ' s ta tements about t h e i r e x p e r i e n c e s . Some f a c t o r s may i n c l u d e : g u i l t around not b e i n g a b l e t o p r o t e c t the c h i l d , no t w i s h i n g t o d i s c l o s e memories o f the f a t h e r s ' own c h i l d h o o d v i c t i m i z a t i o n , d e s i r e s t o p l e a s e the i n t e r v i e w e r , o r f e a r s o f b e i n g j u d g e d . I t was a n t i c i p a t e d t h a t i n s t r u c t i o n s g i v e n t o the s u b j e c t s by t h e i n t e r v i e w e r b e f o r e t h e i n t e r v i e w would a d d r e s s t h i s p rob lem a d e q u a t e l y (see Appendix C ) . The meaning t h a t the f a t h e r s a t t r i b u t e t o t h e i r e x p e r i e n c e i s a c c e p t e d as h a v i n g f a c e v a l i d i t y (Arkava and L a v e , 1983) . V i d e o t a p i n g the i n t e r v i e w s h e l p s t o a s s u r e t h a t the d a t a w i l l be r e c o r d e d w i t h o u t b i a s as t o what t h e i n t e r v i e w e r might r e g a r d as s i g n i f i c a n t . As t h i s s t u d y i s a t t e m p t i n g t o e x p l o r e " e x p e r i e n c e s " , t h e s e w i l l f i r s t be d e f i n e d as the f a t h e r s ' " p e r c e p t i o n s , t h o u g h t s , emot ions and a c t i o n s " around the abuse o f t h e c h i l d . These e x p e r i e n c e s can range from i n t r a p s y c h i c t o i n t e r p e r s o n a l , from i n t r a f a m i l i a l t o e x t r a f a m i l i a l . T h e r e f o r e , q u e s t i o n s w i l l be asked around t h o s e l e v e l s o f e x p e r i e n c e . I t i s a l s o a n t i c i p a t e d t h a t by t h e i n t e r v i e w e r s h a r i n g some p r e v i o u s e x p e r i e n c e s o f n o n - o f f e n d i n g f a t h e r s t h a t s u b j e c t s w i l l f i n d i t e a s i e r t o share n o n - b i a s e d s ta tements o f t h e i r own e x p e r i e n c e s . The interview guide was pretested on two professional therapists working with sexual abuse victims and t h e i r families. The wording and order of some questions were altered for c l a r i t y and to enhance the flow of the interview. As well, some additi o n a l questions were included to cover relevant themes not included i n the i n i t i a l d r a f t of the interview guide. Procedure A research proposal was made to the University with the permission of the researcher's f i e l d i n s t r u c t o r and placement agency (see Appendix D) to conduct t h i s study. The study was approved (see Appendix E) by the University and subjects were contacted by phone following t h e i r permission being granted for contact through the r e f e r r i n g agency. Appointments for video taped interviews were made with each father. The three men from the outside counselling agency were interviewed at that agency using the agency's video equipment. The three men were interviewed on three d i f f e r e n t evenings with only the researcher i n the room with each i n d i v i d u a l subject. The fourth subject was interviewed at the U.B.C. Family Practice Unit using that agency's video equipment. A l l four fathers were given two copies of a consent form (see Appendix F), one to read, sign and date before the interview, and one to keep as a copy of the consent. The interviews ranged i n length from t h i r t y - f i v e minutes to one hour and t e n minutes. Two of the i n t e r v i e w s were t r a n s c r i b e d and t h e i r c o n t e n t s coded f o r a n a l y s i s . An example of a t r a n s c r i p t i s i n c l u d e d i n the Appendices (see Appendix G). Of the f o u r i n t e r v i e w s , two were chosen f o r t r a n s c r i p t i o n on the b a s i s o f the s u b j e c t s ' c l a r i t y and completeness of t h e i r statements of exp e r i e n c e . The t r a n s c r i p t s p r o v i d e d a v i s u a l d i s p l a y o f data t o ease t h e pr o c e s s o f a n a l y s i s . Only two t r a n s c r i p t s were made because of the l e n g t h (20 pages s i n g l e spaced) and time i t took t o accomplish t h i s . As w e l l , the t r a n s c r i p t s were of the most complete statements o f experience so any new and r e l e v a n t e x p e r i e n c e s c o u l d be e a s i l y coded from the remaining v i d e o tapes alone . I t was assumed t h a t the two t r a n s c r i p t s would e s t a b l i s h an adequate b a s e l i n e o f r e l e v a n t c a t e g o r i e s . The s u b j e c t s were allowed t o e l a b o r a t e on any q u e s t i o n as much as they wished. Data A n a l y s i s The p r o c e s s o f a n a l y s i s f o l l o w e d the grounded th e o r y approach where raw data generates c o n c e p t u a l c a t e g o r i e s and t h e i r p r o p e r t i e s ( G l a s e r and S t r a u s s , 1967). T h i s allowed f o r the l i n k i n g o f the c a t e g o r i e s and p r o p e r t i e s i n t o a t h e o r y and t o see i f the th e o r y found i n the l i t e r a t u r e was r e l e v a n t t o the c a t e g o r i e s o r themes d i s c o v e r e d ( G l a s e r and S t r a u s s , 1967). The r e s e a r c h e r ' s p r i o r knowledge and the expe r i e n c e s of p r o f e s s i o n a l s working w i t h f a m i l i e s o f s e x u a l l y abused c h i l d r e n 26 were i n f l u e n c i n g f a c t o r s . These f a c t o r s l e d t o an i n i t i a l c o n c e p t u a l i z a t i o n o f the experiences of no n - o f f e n d i n g f a t h e r s . The data a n a l y s i s i n c l u d e d the r e s e a r c h e r ' s p r i o r knowledge of the s u b j e c t o f study as w e l l as a l l o w i n g c a t e g o r i e s t o emerge out o f the raw data ( G l a s e r , 1978). The a n a l y s i s was " i n d u c t i v e " i n t h a t i t allowed f o r themes t o emerge, and "d e d u c t i v e " i n t h a t the data was p e r c e i v e d through a c e r t a i n amount o f p r i o r e x p e r i e n c e and knowledge. As the t r a n s c r i p t s were read, emerging c a t e g o r i e s were noted and coded al o n g the r i g h t hand margin. A p o i n t i s one or more sentences w i t h a common s u b j e c t l i n k i n g them ( M i l e s and Huberman, 1984). For example, a f a t h e r d e s c r i b e d i n s e v e r a l sentences, and on s e v e r a l o c c a s i o n s , h i s contempt f o r the c h i l d p r o t e c t i o n worker i n v o l v e d w i t h the case. T h i s was coded as "Contempt r e p r o t e c t i o n " . A l i s t was then made f o r the s e t of codes f o r each t r a n s c r i p t . Many codes were s i m i l a r between the two t r a n s c r i p t s which allowed c a t e g o r i e s t o emerge q u i t e r e a d i l y . An example of an i r r e l e v a n t p o i n t would be unnecessary d e t a i l i n a f a t h e r ' s c h o i c e o f i l l u s t r a t i o n . Merging codes w i l l l e a d t o c a t e g o r i e s o f experi e n c e t h a t were common t o non-offending f a t h e r s . As w e l l , themes w i l l emerge from the c a t e g o r i e s , h i g h l i g h t i n g the ex p e r i e n c e of the f a t h e r s . CHAPTER IV FINDINGS The i n t e r v i e w s r e v e a l e d f o u r main c a t e g o r i e s of experience t h a t were common t o a l l of the f a t h e r s . These were: 1) the i n i t i a l r e a c t i o n t o the d i s c l o s u r e ; 2) changes i n r e l a t i o n s h i p s ; 3) i n t r a - p s y c h i c o r " s e l f " i s s u e s ; 4) the r e c o v e r y p r o c e s s (see Appendix H). T h i s chapter w i l l d i s c u s s the meaning of these c a t e g o r i e s u s i n g examples from the i n t e r v i e w s and w i l l e x p l o r e how the c a t e g o r i e s r e l a t e t o each other. These c a t e g o r i e s of the f a t h e r s ' e x p e r i e n c e have been d e l i n e a t e d f o r d i s c u s s i o n purposes i n t h i s chapter. Category 1: I n i t i a l R e a c t i o n t o D i s c l o s u r e T h i s c a t e g o r y i n c l u d e s t h r e e p r o p e r t i e s : p e r c e p t i o n s , thoughts and emotions. P e r c e p t i o n s One p r o p e r t y of the f a t h e r s ' r e a c t i o n t o the d i s c l o s u r e c e n t r e d around t h e i r p e r c e p t i o n of t h e i r r o l e of p r o t e c t o r i n the f a m i l y . There was some ambivalence about t h e i r a b i l i t y t o prevent the v i c t i m from having been abused. As the f a t h e r s anguished over the p a i n experienced by t h e i r c h i l d r e n , they were at a l o s s as t o what more they c o u l d have done at the time t o 27 28 p r e v e n t the abuse. The p e r c e p t i o n was t h a t , g i v e n t h e i r l e v e l o f knowledge of p o t e n t i a l r i s k s f o r abuse a t t h e time i t o c c u r r e d , they had f a i l e d i n p r o t e c t i n g t h e i r c h i l d r e n from b e i n g abused. They commented on how they were unaware of the p o t e n t i a l hazards t o t h e i r c h i l d r e n i n v a r i o u s s i t u a t i o n s . The f o l l o w i n g statements c l e a r l y spoke t o t h i s i s s u e : "We j u s t weren't i n tune w i t h what was g oing on. You t h i n k you can p r o t e c t your k i d s from t h i s , but you c a n ' t . " "We had no i d e a . Looking back, I should have been more aware. Back then, i t wasn't an i s s u e l i k e i t i s today. And who would suspect your son o f such a t h i n g . " "I c a n ' t be w i t h her a l l the time. I wouldn't want t o . I f e l t so h e l p l e s s . I don't know how I c o u l d have prevented i t . I don't t h i n k I c o u l d . " T h i s p e r c e p t i o n c o n t r i b u t e s d i r e c t l y t o a g e n e r a l theme t h a t emerged r e g a r d i n g the d i s r u p t i o n i n the f a t h e r ' s r o l e as p r o t e c t o r . Another p e r c e p t i o n h e l d by the f a t h e r s i n v o l v e d the b e l i e f , common i n many f a m i l i e s t h a t have experi e n c e d a t r a u m a t i c event, t h a t t h i s k i n d of t h i n g c o u l d not happen t o them. In many ways, the abuse of a c h i l d s h a t t e r s the b e l i e f t h a t the world w i l l t r e a t them f a i r l y : "I c o u l d n ' t b e l i e v e t h i s c o u l d happen t o one of my c h i l d r e n . My w i f e and I c o u l d never have imagined t h i s happening." "Sometimes you t h i n k , 'What d i d we do t o deserve t h i s ? ' , but t h a t j u s t makes you c r a z i e r . " Another p e r c e p t i o n t h a t became apparent i n the f a t h e r s ' e x p e r i e n c e s around the d i s c l o s u r e of the abuse was t h a t t h e i r c h i l d r e n were s a f e w i t h o t h e r members of the f a m i l y and w i t h the f r i e n d s o f the f a m i l y . T h i s soon became i n c o n s i s t e n t w i t h the f a t h e r s ' knowledge of the abuse of the v i c t i m s . In each case, the v i c t i m s had been abused by a b r o t h e r , a teen-age male b a b y s i t t e r , o r a f r i e n d o f the f a t h e r . The mistaken b e l i e f was t h a t t h e l o y a l t i e s between f a m i l y members or f r i e n d s was enough t o prevent s e x u a l abuse. Understandably, the f a t h e r s had b e l i e v e d t h a t c u l t u r a l taboos around se x u a l abuse made t h i s a non-issue: "You were t a l k i n g about a k i d who was the a l t a r boy a t the l o c a l A n g l i c a n Church who was f o r a l l i n t e n t s and purposes the a l l - C a n a d i a n boy, who we knew t h e i r f a m i l y , who the s i s t e r s p l a y e d w i t h Robert and t h a t ' s how we got t o know them." "Well, the f i r s t t h i n g i s you're shocked! We never knew about such t h i n g s . We would h a r d l y have dreamed t h a t our c h i l d r e n c o u l d have been abused and us not knowing. And we would never have suspected our son. Who would t h i n k o f a son doing such a t h i n g . " The f a t h e r s b e l i e v e d t h e i r c h i l d r e n when they d i s c l o s e d the abuse. They expressed wonderment a t how i t c o u l d have happened. T h i s i s understandable when seen i n the con t e x t of b e i n g p r e s e n t e d w i t h a completely new and p a r t i c u l a r l y d i s t u r b i n g o c c u r r e n c e . The i n i t i a l i n c r e d u l i t y was not d i r e c t e d toward the v i c t i m n e c e s s a r i l y , but r a t h e r they found i t hard t o b e l i e v e such a t h i n g c o u l d happen t o a member of t h e i r own f a m i l i e s : "We s t i l l shake our heads when we t h i n k about i t . How c o u l d i t happen? We know t h e y ' r e t e l l i n g the t r u t h . That's not a t i s s u e . I t ' s j u s t such a shock." The f a t h e r who h i m s e l f had been abused as a c h i l d found i t 30 e a s i e r t o b e l i e v e the abuse had o c c u r r e d because of h i s p r i o r e x p e r i e n c e s . "Ya, I b e l i e v e d i t r i g h t away. I had i t done t o me and I knew t h i s guy had done i t t o k i d s b e f o r e . " Thoughts Another p r o p e r t y o f the f a t h e r s ' i n i t i a l r e a c t i o n t o the d i s c l o s u r e i n v o l v e s t h e i r attempt t o make sense of the events o c c u r r i n g around them. When the v i c t i m s d i s c l o s e d the abuse i t he l p e d the f a t h e r s t o understand some of the p r e - d i s c l o s u r e b e h a v i o r t h a t had p u z z l e d them and t h a t they had searched f o r s o l u t i o n s t o . The d i s c l o s u r e was i n t h i s way h e l p f u l as i t c l e a r e d up s p e c u l a t i o n around d i s t u r b i n g b e h a v i o r s : " I t was l i k e the l i g h t went on. 'Oh ya, now i t makes sense.' As much as you don't want t o know or b e l i e v e something l i k e t h i s c o u l d happen, when we f i n a l l y found out we c o u l d then do something t o h e l p . " "Now, l o o k i n g back, i t e x p l a i n s a l o t o f t h i n g s . The t r o u b l e s my daughters had and are s t i l l h a v i ng can be a t t r i b u t e d , a t l e a s t p a r t way, t o t h i s abuse when they were young." "My s u s p i c i o n s were r i g h t . But I s t i l l f i n d i t hard t o a c c e p t . " The d i s c l o s u r e a l s o c o n t r i b u t e d t o thoughts of f u r t h e r t h r e a t t o the v i c t i m and oth e r c h i l d r e n i n the f a m i l y . T h i s c o i n c i d e s w i t h the p e r c e p t i o n h e l d by the f a t h e r s o f t h e i r r o l e as p r o t e c t o r : "You were more aware of abuse happening agai n a f t e r t h a t . When we found out we de c i d e d t o l e a r n about i t so we c o u l d h e l p keep the o t h e r k i d s out of t r o u b l e . " "We sometimes wonder about h i s own k i d s . We l o v e them a l l and, w e l l , we keep our eyes open now." The d i s c l o s u r e generated t h i n k i n g around how t o get he l p f o r the v i c t i m . The focus o f the f a t h e r s ' a t t e n t i o n became g e t t i n g h e l p f o r t h e i r c h i l d r e n : " A l l I wanted t o do was t o get t h i s guy some h e l p because he was what was important t o me." "We immediately began c a l l i n g t o f i n d out who c o u l d h e l p her. That was my p r i o r i t y . " " I knew they would need c o u n s e l l i n g . I knew because o f what I had gone through. E v e r y t h i n g e l s e c o u l d w a i t . " T h i s e x p e r i e n c e r e l a t e s t o a second major theme which emerged: the pro c e s s o f r e g a i n i n g a sense of normalcy. Once the d i s r u p t i o n had o c c u r r e d i n the f a t h e r s ' r o l e as p r o t e c t o r , they t r i e d t o f i n d h e l p f o r the v i c t i m so as t o r e g a i n the l e v e l o f normal f u n c t i o n i n g e x p e r i e n c e d by the f a m i l y b e f o r e the d i s c l o s u r e o f the s e x u a l abuse. Emotions A v a r i e t y o f emotions made up another p r o p e r t y o f the f a t h e r s ' e x p e r i e n c e o f the d i s c l o s u r e o f the abuse. Some of these emotions have p e r s i s t e d w h i l e o t h e r s remained o n l y f o r a s h o r t time a f t e r the d i s c l o s u r e . Shock, anger, f e a r , sadness, disappointment, and a sense of p e r s o n a l v i o l a t i o n were emotions e x p e r i e n c e d by the f a t h e r s : The shock has t o do w i t h the u t t e r i n c r e d u l i t y of the s i t u a t i o n . "Well, the f i r s t t h i n g i s you're shocked! We never knew about such t h i n g s . " 32 "I c o u l d n ' t b e l i e v e t h i s c o u l d happen t o one of my c h i l d r e n . " The anger a t the p e r p e t r a t o r was common. "Now i f I were i n a room alone w i t h him [ o f f e n d e r ] and t h e r e were no witnesses, t h e r e ' s a p a r t o f me t h a t would j u s t want t o beat the l i v i n g s h i t out of him, j u s t f o r the h e l l of i t . " The f a t h e r s experienced disappointment and a sense of h e l p l e s s n e s s a t not be i n g a b l e t o prevent the abuse. They were t o r n between l o y a l t y t o the v i c t i m and l o y a l t y t o the o f f e n d e r . "You f e e l b e t r a yed. Someone t h a t you knew would do something l i k e t h i s . " The f e a r o f the abuse o c c u r r i n g as w e l l as of the r e p e r c u s s i o n s on the v i c t i m and the f a m i l y was e v i d e n t i n some cas e s . Again the need t o p r o t e c t was a s t r o n g element i n the emotions expressed by the f a t h e r s . Anger a t the o f f e n d e r who was not a member of the f a m i l y p e r s i s t e d as d i d the sadness f o r the harm done t o the v i c t i m . The f a t h e r s a l s o e x p e r i e n c e d a sense of l o s s which i n c l u d e d a l o s s o f innocence f o r the v i c t i m and a l o s s of the dream of a happy l i f e f o r the f a m i l y : "We r e a l l y f e l t f o r the k i d s , what i t was l i k e f o r them, what they'd have t o go through t o get b e t t e r , t o r e c o v e r . " " E v e r y t h i n g has changed now. We have a major mountain t o c l i m b . I t h i n k w e ' l l do i t but t h i s was a c h a l l e n g e I hadn't a n t i c i p a t e d . " There was a l s o a sense of r e l i e f as the f a t h e r s l e a r n e d about the source o f a n x i e t y expressed by t h e i r c h i l d r e n . T h i s meant t h a t they c o u l d move on i n t h e i r r o l e as pr o b l e m - s o l v e r now t h a t they began t o understand what k i n d o f h e l p t h e i r c h i l d r e n needed. 33 " I t f i n a l l y made sense. We s t i l l had t o look f o r some h e l p but we knew what we were up a g a i n s t . F i n a l l y we knew what was c a u s i n g a l l t h i s uproar." Category 2: Changes i n R e l a t i o n s h i p s T h i s c a t e g o r y i n v o l v e s r e l a t i o n s h i p s i n the f a t h e r s 1 n u c l e a r f a m i l i e s , extended f a m i l i e s , f r i e n d s , and i n the l a r g e r s o c i a l systems. From the d i s c l o s u r e o f the abuse on through t o treatment o f the v i c t i m and f a m i l y , and beyond, f a t h e r s were i n t e r a c t i n g w i t h many systems and subsystems. Many o f these r e l a t i o n s h i p s were a l t e r e d as a r e s u l t o f t h e i r c h i l d b e i n g abused. Spouse The f i r s t p r o p e r t y t o be examined i n the f a t h e r s ' e x p e r i e n c e s o f changing r e l a t i o n s h i p s i s w i t h i n the m a r i t a l dyad. The f a t h e r s experienced c o n f l i c t w i t h t h e i r spouses. The f a t h e r s i d e n t i f i e d how t h e i r responses t o the d i s c l o s u r e of the abuse d i f f e r e d from t h e i r wives. T h i s d i f f e r e n c e produced c o n f l i c t . The f a t h e r s r e p o r t e d t h a t because they weren't as demonstrative i n t h e i r anger and g r i e f around the abuse as t h e i r wives, they b e l i e v e d t h e i r wives were f r u s t r a t e d and angry with them: " I t pushed us a p a r t f o r awhile because my w i f e d i d n ' t t h i n k I was angry enough." "We moved a p a r t f o r awhile, not d i f f e r e n t houses or anyth i n g , but t h e r e d e f i n i t e l y was t e n s i o n t h e r e because we looked a t t h i n g s d i f f e r e n t l y . " 34 "I guess I've been t o l d by my w i f e t h a t I'm d i f f e r e n t than o t h e r people. But I focused my emotions on t r y i n g t o get some h e l p . . . . I guess t h a t ' s where I was a b l e t o channel my anger toward t h a t way. I t caused a b i t o f a r i f t between my w i f e and myself because she was, you know, out f o r blood. And n a t u r a l l y because anyone we t o l d , my f r i e n d s or her f r i e n d s , the male of t h e c o u p l e would say, 'I want t o k i l l him! Where i s he? How c o u l d he do t h i s ? ! ' . And my w i f e would r e a c t and say, 'Why don't you r e a c t t h a t way? Why don't you want t o k i l l him? He's your son.* I s a i d , 'You've got t o be r e a l i s t i c . What's done i s done. What's the p o i n t . There's n o t h i n g you can do about i t . ' " T h i s d i f f e r e n c e i n e x p r e s s i o n of emotions was compounded f o r the f o l l o w i n g f a t h e r s whose wives wanted them t o a c t out r e t r i b u t i o n on the p e r p e t r a t o r : "She was angry f o r a b i t because I d i d n ' t go over t o h i s house and get him. I don't go f o r revenge." "And I t h i n k she had a l o t of problems d e a l i n g the f a c t t h a t I wasn't angry and I wasn't out f o r b l o o d . I mean, sure I d i d . There were times I j u s t wanted t o choke the l i v i n g h e l l out of t h i s l i t t l e k i d [ o f f e n d e r ] , but, l i k e I say, I looked a t the end r e s u l t . " The f a t h e r s s t a t e d t h a t they f e l t h u r t when t h e i r wives r e a c t e d a g a i n s t them but a l l r e p o r t e d being a b l e t o r e s o l v e these f e e l i n g s . They i d e n t i f i e d growing c l o s e r t o g e t h e r as a r e s u l t of l e a r n i n g more about how each o t h e r t h i n k s and f e e l s . Once they c o u l d accept t h a t t h e i r d i f f e r e n c e s were not r i g h t or wrong, but j u s t d i f f e r e n t , they began t o work t o g e t h e r as a team to h e l p the v i c t i m and f a m i l y r e c o v e r from the trauma: "Our s c h o o l has the program where i t ' s a f a m i l y - t y p e u n i t and you a l l have t o go i n . I t ' s p a r t i c i p a t i o n . They work on the f a m i l y aspect of things....And I t h i n k i t h e l p e d her because the c o u n s e l l o r t h e r e was a s k i n g q u e s t i o n s l i k e , 'Why does he have t o show i t t h a t way? What•s wrong w i t h the way he's showing i t ? ' And I t h i n k t h a t helped. Coming from somebody e l s e i t 35 h e l p e d her t o understand t h a t , 'Well, i t ' s okay. He's d e a l i n g w i t h i t . ' " "And I t h i n k t h a t we've come a long, l o n g way. In some ways i t ' s k i n d o f strengthened us a l o t t i g h t e r t o g e t h e r than we would have been i f t h i s hadn't have happened. Because i t ' s r e a l l y made us l o o k a t our r e l a t i o n s h i p and caused us t o ask o u r s e l v e s a l o t o f q u e s t i o n s t h a t we wouldn't have asked o u r s e l v e s i f t h i s hadn't have happened....It's too bad i t had t o come about i n t h i s way." T h i s e x p e r i e n c e helped the f a t h e r s i n the pro c e s s o f r e g a i n i n g a sense o f normalcy. The i s s u e c o n f r o n t i n g the f a t h e r s was t h a t they f e l t deep emotional s t r e s s , but they expressed these emotions d i f f e r e n t l y from t h e i r wives. I t p o i n t s t o the tremendous v a l u e s t h a t the husbands and t h e i r wives p l a c e on a p a r t i c u l a r way of showing emotions. In f a c t , the f a t h e r s t a l k e d about how t h i s experience r e s u l t e d i n i n c r e a s e d intimacy i n t h e i r m a r i t a l r e l a t i o n s h i p . The f a t h e r s demonstrated t h a t by b e g i n n i n g t o accept d i f f e r e n c e s i n t h e i r p a r t n e r s , and having t h e i r p a r t n e r s do l i k e w i s e , they were a b l e t o a d j u s t t o one another and r e s o l v e the c o n f l i c t i n t h e i r r e l a t i o n s h i p s . V i c t i m The next p r o p e r t y o f the f a t h e r s ' e xperiences concerned t h e i r changing r e l a t i o n s h i p w i t h the v i c t i m . The f a t h e r s expressed sadness toward t h e i r abused c h i l d f o r the trauma the c h i l d had experienced as w e l l as the f u t u r e consequences of the abuse on the c h i l d . They a l s o experienced a heightened 36 s e n s i t i v i t y t o the p o s s i b i l i t y of t h e i r b e h a v i o r w i t h the c h i l d r e n b e i n g i n t e r p r e t e d as s e x u a l : "I t h i n k you were a l i t t l e more c a u t i o u s o f . . . . I mean Robert and I always used t o shower t o g e t h e r . I t was the o n l y way I c o u l d get him t o have a shower. But soon a f t e r t h a t we made the r u l e t h a t he was o l d enough now t o have a shower and so on. We s t a r t e d t o i n t r o d u c e a l o t more of the p r i v a c y and shut the door and t h i s k i n d of t h i n g . I t d e f i n i t e l y heightened our sense t o t h a t a r e a . " " I t ' s taken us awhile t o get c o m f o r t a b l e w i t h hugging and t h a t . I t h i n k t h a t ' s understandable. I k i n d of d i d n ' t know how much a f f e c t i o n was good f o r them, how they would see i t now." " I n i t i a l l y I d i d n ' t t h i n k much of i t then I s t a r t e d t o t h i n k about how they might be i n t e r p r e t i n g my l o v e f o r them." The f a t h e r s g e n e r a l l y t r i e d t o be open about t a l k i n g about the abuse w i t h the c h i l d , u s u a l l y w i t h the guidance of a c o u n s e l l o r . The abuse became a new c o n t e x t f o r t h e i r i n t e r a c t i o n s w i t h the c h i l d . As treatment p r o g r e s s e d the f a t h e r s e x p e r i e n c e d t h e i r r o l e as p r o b l e m - s o l v e r i n a new more s i g n i f i c a n t way than they had i n the p a s t . I n i t i a l l y the abuse took the s p o n t a n e i t y out of t h e i r r e l a t i o n s h i p w i t h t h e i r c h i l d , however, t h i s began t o r e t u r n as time went on. A concern was t h a t the abused c h i l d would become an o f f e n d e r . For one f a t h e r , h i s r e l a t i o n s h i p w i t h h i s son was changed i n t h a t he had t o become more aware of the boy's f e e l i n g s around the abuse and p o t e n t i a l hazardous c o n d i t i o n s where h i s son c o u l d p o s s i b l y abuse o t h e r s as he got o l d e r : "We t r i e d t o make the r u l e t h a t i f he was going t o s t a y over a t somebody's house then they had a r i g h t t o know. We wanted them t o understand Robert and we wanted them t o p r o t e c t Robert. Not t o l e a v e him i n a 37 s i t u a t i o n where t h e r e i s the p o t e n t i a l f o r him t o do t h i s t o somebody e l s e . " The f a t h e r ' s r o l e as p r o t e c t o r c o u l d p o t e n t i a l l y be d i s r u p t e d by h i s own son, the v i c t i m . Where the abuser was the b r o t h e r of the c h i l d abused, the f a t h e r w r e s t l e d w i t h t r y i n g t o support the v i c t i m w i thout a l i e n a t i n g the b r o t h e r : "They seem t o understand t h a t he i s s t i l l a p a r t of the f a m i l y and we, as p a r e n t s , l o v e a l l of them. I t ' s j u s t hard knowing how t o work t h a t out." Where the v i c t i m ' s b e h a v i o r has become a problem ( i . e . d i s o b e d i e n c e and a c t i n g out a t home or s c h o o l ) , the f a t h e r s found i t e a s i e r not t o be h u r t or offended by the b e h a v i o r , u n d e r s t a n d i n g t h a t i t was a r e s u l t of the abuse. They f e l t t h a t a c c e p t i n g the c h i l d and d e a l i n g w i t h the b e h a v i o r , though d i f f i c u l t , was manageable as they l e a r n e d more about the e f f e c t s of s e x u a l abuse on a c h i l d : " I t ' s r e a l tough p u t t i n g up w i t h some of the s t u f f sometimes but you have t o understand where i t ' s coming from." "Then we c o u l d t r e a t the b e h a v i o r as opposed t o the i n d i v i d u a l . And you hd t o d i f f e r e n t i a t e t h a t , because i t ' s r e a l l y easy when some k i d i s a c t i n g up and b e i n g a r e a l b r a t t o take your anger out on him. But you had t o always k i n d of t h i n k , 'Well, wait a second.' Always t h i n k , 'Why i s he d o ing t h i s ? I know why he's d o i n g t h i s . ' " The f a t h e r s experienced disappointment t h a t the v i c t i m hadn't come t o them and t o l d them about the abuse immediately a f t e r i t had happened: "Why d i d n ' t he come t o me? Did he t h i n k he would have g o t t e n me upset? We c o u l d have d e a l t w i t h i t then, but he was so s c a r e d t h a t we would have g o t t e n angry at him, and t h a t we wouldn't understand, and t h a t we wouldn't l i s t e n t o him. He wouldn't t r u s t us." 38 "The o t h e r way would be a p a r t o f me got h u r t when ...you b e l i e v e i n your h e a r t t h a t your c h i l d would t e l l you e v e r y t h i n g . . . i t h u r t s you because you have t h i s i d e a l t h a t you're going t o be buddy-buddy w i t h him." Other C h i l d r e n i n the Family I t was important f o r the f a t h e r s t o r e t a i n h e a l t h y r e l a t i o n s h i p s w i t h the o t h e r c h i l d r e n i n the f a m i l y . Although f a t h e r s e x p e r i e n c e d a s e n s i t i v i t y r e g a r d i n g the p o s s i b l e sexual i n t e r p r e t a t i o n s o f t h e i r a c t i o n s toward these c h i l d r e n , i t d i d not appear t o be p r o b l e m a t i c . What was of concern was the r e l a t i o n s h i p between the v i c t i m and o t h e r c h i l d r e n i n the f a m i l y : "She became r e a l l y mean and m a n i p u l a t i n g w i t h the younger c h i l d r e n and downright angry w i t h her o l d e r b r o t h e r . " " I t has changed him. I don't t h i n k i t ' s changed our r e a c t i o n toward him. But again, they s l e e p i n the same room, but we tend t o get upset i f we f i n d t h a t they've crawled i n t o the same bed t o g e t h e r . And make t h a t a r u l e t h a t they have t h e i r s e p a r a t e beds. And they don't s l e e p t o g e t h e r . " Understandably, the f a t h e r s wanted t o h e l p keep the h e a l t h y , f u n c t i o n i n g components o f f a m i l y l i f e i n t a c t . At the same time they wanted t o keep the r i s k t o these h e a l t h y r e l a t i o n s h i p s a t a minimum. As none of the abuse cases went t o c o u r t , the f a t h e r s d i d not have t o p r o t e c t t h e i r f a m i l i e s from the e f f e c t s o f t h a t o r d e a l . I t d i d , however, a f f e c t t h e i r r o l e as n u r t u r e r s of t h e i r c h i l d r e n . 39 C h i l d r e n i n General Another p r o p e r t y of r e l a t i o n s h i p change e x p e r i e n c e d by the f a t h e r s was w i t h c h i l d r e n i n g e n e r a l . Though not an i n t e n s e e x p e r i e n c e , they r e p o r t e d a heightened s e n s i t i v i t y of how t h e i r a c t i o n s w i t h o t h e r c h i l d r e n might be i n t e r p r e t e d . They s t a t e d t h a t t o some degree they had become l e s s o v e r t l y a f f e c t i o n a t e w i t h c h i l d r e n and wary of p l a c i n g themselves i n p o s s i b l y compromising s i t u a t i o n s : "Oh, ya. I watch what I do w i t h k i d s now and what o t h e r people do, t o o . I've seen what can happen w i t h an a c c u s a t i o n of abuse and I don't want t o put myself o r my f a m i l y through t h a t . " "You don't want t o put y o u r s e l f i n a compromising p o s i t i o n . . . . You don't want t o put t h a t whole t h i n g i n motion [ a c c u s a t i o n of abuse]... i t ' s l i k e a machine." Extended Family and F r i e n d s When f a t h e r s chose t o keep the abuse of t h e i r c h i l d r e n hidden from f a m i l y and f r i e n d s , t h i s d i d not p revent the abuse from a f f e c t i n g t h e i r r e l a t i o n s h i p s w i t h these people. Questions about the v i c t i m ' s b e h a v i o r or c o n d i t i o n were e u p h e m i s t i c a l l y d i s m i s s e d or answered i n g e n e r a l i t i e s or d i v e r t e d away from any d i s c u s s i o n of the abuse of the c h i l d : "We don't t a l k about i t w i t h them. We want t o p r o t e c t [the c h i l d ] . Besides, what good would i t do f o r them t o know." One f a t h e r , because he found i t d i f f i c u l t t o h i d e t h a t the f a m i l y was g o ing f o r c o u n s e l l i n g and the v i c t i m ' s change of b e h a v i o r needed t o be e x p l a i n e d , d i s c u s s e d the abuse wi t h c l o s e f a m i l y members: 40 "We d e c i d e d t o t e l l our f o l k s because we f e l t they had a r i g h t t o know and we knew we c o u l d n ' t keep i t from them. We t o l d them we were s e e i n g someone about h i s b e h a v i o r problems." As w e l l , one f a t h e r d i s c u s s e d the abuse w i t h h i s f a m i l y members t o warn them of the p o t e n t i a l r i s k s o f such t h i n g s happening i n the f a m i l y : "I wanted them t o know what c o u l d happen, t o be c a r e f u l around k i d s and t o watch out t o p r o t e c t t h e i r own k i d s . " Over a l l , t h e r e was a g e n e r a l l o s s o f s p o n t a n e i t y i n these r e l a t i o n s h i p s . O f f e n d e r When f a t h e r s knew the person who had abused t h e i r c h i l d r e n a l o s s o f r e l a t i o n s h i p w i t h the o f f e n d e r o c c u r r e d . F a t h e r s whose sons had been the abuser perhaps s u f f e r e d a major l o s s i n t h a t they saw themselves as needing t o balance the concern f o r t h e i r c h i l d , t he v i c t i m , w i t h t h e i r l o y a l t y toward t h e i r son, the abuser: "When we found out he had been w i t h her when they were young we weren't a t a l l p l e a s e d . But what can you do now? We've t a l k e d w i t h him about i t . . . . H e ' s moved up the c o a s t now. We don't see him as much." "What can I do? He's my son. You get over b e i n g angry w i t h him. We o n l y t a l k b r i e f l y . I t r y t o reach out t o him. He doesn't come over any more." T h i s l o s s o f r e l a t i o n s h i p was a l s o e x p e r i e n c e d by f a t h e r s who knew the o f f e n d e r even when the o f f e n d e r was a f r i e n d of the f a m i l y : "We knew h i s f a m i l y . T h e i r daughters p l a y e d w i t h our 41 k i d s . Now our r e l a t i o n s h i p w i t h them i s d e s t r o y e d . No, I never see him now." "I haven't t a l k e d w i t h him s i n c e . That's the end of i t . He's not our f r i e n d any more, o b v i o u s l y . " S o c i a l Systems Another p r o p e r t y i n the f a t h e r s ' e x p e r i e n c e s was changes i n t h e i r r e l a t i o n s h i p s t o systems o u t s i d e of t h e i r f a m i l i e s . One f a t h e r had t o go t o h i s employer t o ask f o r time o f f t o a t t e n d meetings and treatment s e s s i o n s around h i s son's abuse: "I was v e r y f o r t u n a t e t o have a boss who understood ....You've got t o be a b l e t o go t o meetings and meet w i t h a bunch of people." F a t h e r s a l s o had t o become f a m i l i a r w i t h s o c i a l s e r v i c e a g e n c i e s i n v o l v e d i n the i n v e s t i g a t i o n s and treatment around the abuse. These may be p o l i c e , m e d i c a l , c h i l d w e l f a r e and c o u n s e l l i n g a g e n c i e s . Some of these may never have been i n the f a t h e r s ' spheres of i n f l u e n c e b e f o r e the abuse, but now they found themselves t h r u s t i n t o a f o r e i g n environment having t o get t o know and work w i t h these agency o f f i c i a l s . For the f o l l o w i n g f a t h e r t h i s was not a p o s i t i v e e x p e r i e n c e : "I t h i n k t h a t the one t h i n g t h a t r e a l l y bothered me was t h a t what they had t o t e l l me up f r o n t d i d n ' t happen. Loss of c r e d i b i l i t y . . . . They weren't even c l o s e . . . I don't have any time f o r them at a l l . " A p o s i t i v e experience w i t h c h i l d p r o t e c t i o n workers was p o s s i b l e . The f o l l o w i n g f a t h e r had an e x p e r i e n c e : "Oh ya. They were g r e a t . They handled the s i t u a t i o n w e l l . " 42 The r e l a t i o n s h i p s w i t h more f r e q u e n t l y c o n t a c t e d agencies such as s c h o o l s or d o c t o r s ' o f f i c e s changed as the abuse changed the c o n t e x t o f i n t e r a c t i o n s w i t h these people. For one f a t h e r the v i c t i m ' s b e h a v i o r a t s c h o o l became a f r e q u e n t p o i n t of c o n t a c t between him and the s c h o o l p r i n c i p a l : "How many f a t h e r s can say t h e y ' r e on a f i r s t name b a s i s w i t h t h e i r son's p r i n c i p a l ? " The f a t h e r s ' e x p e r i e n c e s f o l l o w i n g the d i s c l o s u r e of t h e i r c h i l d r e n ' s abuse o c c u r r e d i n the c o n t e x t of r e l a t i o n s h i p s . These r e l a t i o n s h i p s were a l s o changed and i n many cases l o s s e s o c c u r r e d f o r the f a t h e r s . Category 3: S e l f Issues T h i s c a t e g o r y i n c l u d e s the p r o p e r t i e s of g u i l t and v i c t i m i z a t i o n . G u i l t The f a t h e r s had some degree of d i f f i c u l t y i n t h e i r p e r c e p t i o n s t h a t somehow they had f a i l e d t o p r o t e c t t h e i r c h i l d r e n from t h i s abuse. T h i s sense of r e s p o n s i b i l i t y or g u i l t around the abuse v a r i e d from f a t h e r t o f a t h e r : "I wish I c o u l d have prevented i t . But how c o u l d you, I mean, what c o u l d you have done b e f o r e hand. We weren't even t h i n k i n g about sexual abuse, l e t alone i n our f a m i l y . " "Ya, I should have known. But I thought he was over t h a t . But what I hear now he's been i n t o i t a l l along, and now w i t h my son. I t ' s my own f a u l t . " 43 The degree of g u i l t appears t o be r e l a t e d to' the degree of p r i o r knowledge of sexual abuse h e l d by the f a t h e r a t the time h i s c h i l d was abused. For the f a t h e r who h i m s e l f had been abused and knew t h a t the p e r p e t r a t o r o f h i s c h i l d ' s abuse had p r e v i o u s l y offended, h i s was the most o v e r t e x p r e s s i o n o f g u i l t : " I t was my f a u l t " F a t h e r s c o u l d not h e l p f e e l i n g r e s p o n s i b l e f o r the p r o t e c t i o n of t h e i r c h i l d r e n and they expressed a sense of h e l p l e s s n e s s a t not b e i n g aware of the sex u a l abuse a t the time. There a l s o appeared t o be a s h a r i n g o f t h i s r e s p o n s i b i l i t y w i t h t h e i r wives. T h i s was apparent i n t h e i r c o n s t a n t use o f the pronoun, "we": " I t was so many years ago. I t wasn't an i s s u e back then. We should have been more aware but we weren't. I don't know how we c o u l d have prevented i t g i v e n what we knew then." V i c t i m i z a t i o n T h i s second p r o p e r t y of the s e l f i s s u e s d i s c u s s e d by the f a t h e r s appeared more s u b t l y i n t h e i r statements, but was non e t h e l e s s p r e s e n t and l i n g e r i n g . The f a t h e r s f e l t t h a t by t h e i r c h i l d h a v i n g been abused, t h e i r own sense of c o n t r o l had been a f f e c t e d . As a member of the f a m i l y , t h e i r l i v e s had been s e v e r e l y i n t e r r u p t e d and they had l o s t the s t a b i l i t y o f l i f e s t y l e they were e x p e r i e n c i n g b e f o r e the d i s c l o s u r e of the abuse. F o l l o w i n g d i s c l o s u r e , they had t o go through the d i s r u p t i o n o f i n v e s t i g a t i o n s and treatment. The v i c t i m ' s b e h a v i o r change as a r e s u l t o f the abuse would add s t r e s s t o each f a t h e r ' s r e l a t i o n s h i p and a l t e r h i s s e l f - p e r c e p t i o n . The p e r p e t r a t o r had not o n l y a f f e c t e d the l i f e o f the v i c t i m , but of the f a t h e r and the r e s t o f the f a m i l y as w e l l . Though not as o v e r t l y t r a u m a t i c t o the f a t h e r s as t o the v i c t i m s , the abuse s t i l l a f f e c t e d the f a t h e r s ' l i v e s s i g n i f i c a n t l y . A f a t h e r c o u l d not c o n t r o l the circumstances completely a f t e r the d i s c l o s u r e . He was caught up i n the flow o f the p o s t - d i s c l o s u r e p r o c e s s e s as w e l l : "You knew t h a t t h i n g s would never be the same ag a i n . Sure we would r e c o v e r , but I'm never going t o be a b l e t o f o r g e t about what happened t o my daughters. I ' l l t r y but I doubt i t . " " T h i s has r e a l l y shaken me up. The whole p r o c e s s . . . . I t ' s d e f i n i t e l y changed me." For the f o l l o w i n g f a t h e r , the experience o f the abuse of h i s c h i l d r e n was a s t a r k reminder of h i s own s e x u a l v i c t i m i z a t i o n as a c h i l d . Although he was a b l e t o m o b i l i z e h i s e f f o r t s t o h e l p h i s c h i l d r e n and the f a m i l y as a whole, i t was l i k e he had once agai n been invaded v i c a r i o u s l y through the abuse. T h i s was a p a r t i c u l a r l y d i f f i c u l t e x p e r i e n c e f o r t h i s man f o r which a g r e a t d e a l o f e f f o r t was necessary f o r him t o work on u n r e s o l v e d i s s u e s o f h i s own abuse. "Ya, i t was r e a l l y hard f o r me. I had t o get he l p , too. I was abused over a p e r i o d o f about 10 y e a r s . T h i s brought a l o t of i t back. God, i t was hard." 45 Category 4: The Process of Recovery From the i n i t i a l r e a c t i o n of the f a t h e r s t o the d i s c l o s u r e of t h e abuse, through the changes i n r e l a t i o n s h i p s around them, t o the development of i n t e r n a l i s s u e s t h a t would develop over time, these men moved toward the g o a l of r e c o v e r y . T h i s process of g e t t i n g themselves, the v i c t i m s , and t h e i r f a m i l i e s back t o a semblance o f how they were l i v i n g b e f o r e the abuse i s the focus o f t h i s next c a t e g o r y of the f a t h e r s ' e x p e r i e n c e . I t i n v o l v e s the p r o c e s s the f a t h e r s went through t o r e c o v e r a sense of normalcy f o r themselves and t h e i r f a m i l i e s . A f t e r the d i s c l o s u r e , the g o a l expressed by these men was t o h e l p the v i c t i m , themselves, and the r e s t of t h e i r f a m i l i e s overcome and r e s o l v e the d i f f i c u l t i e s produced by the trauma o f the abuse. T h i s c a t e g o r y b e s t i l l u s t r a t e s the theme of r e g a i n i n g a sense of normalcy t h a t appears throughout the f a t h e r s ' experience, b e g i n n i n g w i t h n o t i c i n g the c h i l d ' s p r e - d i s c l o s u r e b e h a v i o r . The e x p e r i e n c e of the f a t h e r s was t h a t the agencies supposedly s e t up t o c o n t r i b u t e t o the r e c o v e r y p r o c e s s a c t u a l l y h i n d e r e d t h a t p r o c e s s f o r t h e i r f a m i l i e s . T h i s i s understandable as one r e a l i z e s t h a t agency mandates o f t e n d i f f e r . The p o l i c e have a mandate t o g a t h e r evidence t h a t w i l l l e a d t o the a r r e s t , p r o s e c u t i o n , and c o n v i c t i o n of the p e r p e t r a t o r . The c h i l d w e l f a r e agency has a mandate t o prevent and l e s s e n the impact of the s e x u a l and/or p h y s i c a l abuse and n e g l e c t of c h i l d r e n . Doctors work toward the p h y s i c a l and emotional w e l l - b e i n g of 46 t h e i r p a t i e n t s . C o u n s e l l i n g s e r v i c e s o f f e r h e l p t o i n d i v i d u a l s and f a m i l i e s t o r e s o l v e the n e g a t i v e e f f e c t s of the trauma they e x p e r i e n c e and move on t o a h e a l t h i e r l e v e l of f u n c t i o n i n g . The g o a l s o f a f a t h e r may be t o seek and o b t a i n t h i s treatment (to "get help") f o r the v i c t i m and the f a m i l y . However, t h i s g o a l may be f r u s t r a t e d by the o t h e r agencies i n v o l v e d i n p u r s u i t of the o f f e n d e r and p r o t e c t i o n of the c h i l d r e n i n v o l v e d . T h i s c a t e g o r y i n c l u d e s f i n d i n g r e s o u r c e s , r e s o l v i n g g u i l t , and d e v e l o p i n g t r u s t . F i n d i n g Resources The f i r s t p r o p e r t y of t h i s r e c o v e r y p r o c e s s i n v o l v e d the f a t h e r s l o o k i n g f o r h e l p f o r the v i c t i m s and t h e i r f a m i l i e s . T h i s may even have begun as a r e s u l t of the p r e - d i s c l o s u r e b e h a v i o r : "His b e h a v i o r a t s c h o o l began t o d e t e r i o r a t e t i l i t became q u i t e unbearable, unmanageable. And we were l o o k i n g f o r s o l u t i o n s . We went through v a r i o u s channels....We f i n a l l y ended up g oing t o C h i l d r e n ' s H o s p i t a l and s e e k i n g one of the s p e c i a l i s t s t h e r e . " Once the d i s c l o s u r e had been made, l o o k i n g f o r h e l p became more s p e c i f i c : "We began phoning around...to f i n d out who worked w i t h t h i s s t u f f . We wanted t o o f f e r something t o our k i d s . " "We got some names of d o c t o r s and c o u n s e l l o r s who worked w i t h s e x u a l abuse." " A l l I wanted t o do was t o get t h i s guy [my son] some h e l p because he was what was important t o me." 47 The f a t h e r s found t h a t the r e s o u r c e s they were see k i n g p r i m a r i l y f o r the v i c t i m s needed t o be expanded t o h e l p r e s o l v e the c o n f l i c t s d e v e l o p i n g i n t h e i r marriages: "My w i f e and I needed some work as w e l l because we weren't g e t t i n g along. I guess i t was a l l the s t r e s s . You l o s e your a b i l i t y t o cope f o r a w h i l e . " "I t h i n k i t was when we s t a r t e d g o ing t o g e t h e r , when Robert got out of h i s s c h o o l and when we s t a r t e d going t o K i n c a i d [ s p e c i a l s c h o o l ] . K i n c a i d has the program where i t ' s a f a m i l y - t y p e u n i t . . . i t ' s p a r t i c i p a t i o n . . . . And I t h i n k then we s t a r t e d coming back c l o s e r and s t a r t e d working t o g e t h e r . . . . Because i t r e a l l y made us l o o k a t our r e l a t i o n s h i p . " "You need t h a t t h i r d p a r t y . I never b e l i e v e d i n marriage c o u n s e l l i n g and a l l t h i s B.S. I thought i t was a l o t of 'hooey'. But I b e l i e v e i n i t now." The f a t h e r s s t r e s s e d the need t o have t h e i r spouses as r e s o u r c e s t o cope w i t h the s t r e s s of t r y i n g t o r e s o l v e the d i f f i c u l t i e s of the abuse: "I don't t h i n k I c o u l d have kept i t t o g e t h e r without us working on our own s t u f f . " "You need t o work as a team. One person can't do i t a l l . " C o u n s e l l i n g agencies served a number of purposes and appeared t o be the primary g o a l ' f o r f a t h e r s i n s e e k i n g h e l p f o r t h e i r c h i l d r e n . But the t h e r a p e u t i c f u n c t i o n of the c o u n s e l l i n g was not the o n l y important element. E d u c a t i o n about se x u a l abuse and i t s e f f e c t s on the v i c t i m s and o t h e r f a m i l y members was e q u a l l y as, or more important than the "therapy": "I guess the c o u n s e l l o r ' s involvement here and t e a c h i n g us about the emotions and b a s i c a l l y s p e l l i n g out t o us what we had on our hands, arid how we had t o d e a l w i t h i t . . . . Y o u j u s t don't understand sometimes." 48 " I t r e a l l y h e l p e d t o l e a r n about the dynamics of s e x u a l abuse. I t ' s not a p l e a s a n t t o p i c but the more you know the more you can do t o h e l p . That's the whole p o i n t . " One f a t h e r found t h a t changing t o a s c h o o l which s p e c i a l i z e d i n t r e a t i n g s e x u a l l y abused c h i l d r e n h e l p e d both the v i c t i m and the f a m i l y : " I t r e a l l y took him and made him f e e l worthwhile a g a i n ....They work on the f a m i l y aspect of t h i n g s , which I t h i n k i s important. As w e l l as how you're co p i n g w i t h your c h i l d . " I t appears t h a t i f the r e s o u r c e s a v a i l a b l e t o the f a t h e r s matched the f a t h e r s ' e x p e c t a t i o n s and d e s i r e s t o h e l p the v i c t i m s , t h e f a t h e r s were r e l i e v e d and f e l t f a v o u r a b l y about the r e s o u r c e s . I f the agencies appeared t o f r u s t r a t e the f a t h e r s ' g o a l s , they found t h i s an understandable d i f f i c u l t y . One f a t h e r who found the p o l i c e and c h i l d p r o t e c t i o n o f f i c i a l s h e l p f u l s a i d : "They were g r e a t . We f e l t we were b e i n g p r o t e c t e d and they were g e t t i n g t h i s guy away from the k i d s . " However, another f a t h e r had a d i f f e r e n t e x p e r i e n c e : "Oh ya, the MHR and the p o l i c e . . . . I don't have any time f o r them a t a l l . . . . T h e y had no i d e a what they were d e a l i n g w i t h . They have no p e r c e p t i o n of what you're going through.... You•ve got t o go through i t . Then and o n l y then can you get [your c h i l d ] some h e l p . " Another f a t h e r had p a r t i c u l a r problems w i t h both h i s c h i l d ' s d o c t o r and c o u n s e l l o r : "We've been t r y i n g t o get some i n f o r m a t i o n but i t ' s been l i k e a c u r t a i n has been drawn between us." The p r o c e s s of f i n d i n g r e s o u r c e s t o meet the v a r i o u s needs ex p e r i e n c e d by these f a t h e r s was a mixture of h e l p f u l and 49 d i f f i c u l t o c c u r r e n c e s , t h a t were o f t e n complex and le n g t h y as w e l l . F i n d i n g h e l p f o r the i n t e r n a l i s s u e s they had t o d e a l w i t h a l s o v a r i e d w i t h each man. R e s o l v i n g G u i l t T h i s second p r o p e r t y o f the r e c o v e r y p r o c e s s i n v o l v e d the f a t h e r s coming t o some r e s o l u t i o n about the degree o f g u i l t they e x p e r i e n c e d i n not be i n g a b l e t o p r o t e c t t h e i r c h i l d r e n from the abuse. T h i s r e s o l u t i o n came over time as they accepted a c e r t a i n degree o f h e l p l e s s n e s s t o have prevented the abuse. Because o f t h e i r l a c k o f knowledge about s e x u a l abuse, i t s r i s k s and consequences, and the s e c r e t , c o e r c i v e circumstances the abuse oc c u r s under, these men were a b l e t o r e l e a s e themselves o f some o f the r e s p o n s i b i l i t y f o r not p r e v e n t i n g the abuse. Some r e s p o n s i b i l i t y was acknowledged which the men c o u l d l i v e w ith: "In h i n d s i g h t you can always see c l e a r e r . But we've got t o get on w i t h g e t t i n g b e t t e r . " "I'm not sure what good i t would do t o blame myself. I j u s t d i d n ' t have a c l u e back then." The f o l l o w i n g f a t h e r , however, had a more d i f f i c u l t time i n r e s o l v i n g h i s sense o f g u i l t : "I s h o u l d have known b e t t e r . I f i g u r e d he had changed . . . . I t ' s s t i l l hard f o r me but what can I do now.... What's done i s done." Seeking h e l p f o r the v i c t i m s and t h e i r f a m i l i e s appeared t o he l p r e i n s t a t e the f a t h e r s as p r o t e c t o r s once a g a i n and a l s o h e l p e d them f e e l b e t t e r about themselves as pr o b l e m - s o l v e r s and n u r t u r e r s i n t h e i r f a m i l i e s . 50 Developing T r u s t An important component of the r e c o v e r y p r o c e s s f o r the f a t h e r s was i n r e g a i n i n g a sense of t r u s t i n themselves and the world around them. A f t e r such a t r a u m a t i c event, the whole world can appear t o be a t h r e a t e n i n g p l a c e f o r the f a t h e r s and t h e i r f a m i l i e s . T h e i r e x p e c t a t i o n s about how people r e l a t e t o them had been r a d i c a l l y contravened. T h i s was t r u e e s p e c i a l l y i n t h e i r r e l a t i o n s h i p s w i t h the p e r p e t r a t o r s but had been g e n e r a l i z e d t o a degree t o almost everyone. As the men began t o r e g a i n a sense of c o n t r o l over t h e i r l i v e s and the l i v e s of t h e i r f a m i l i e s , and began t o understand what t o expect i n the way o f consequences from the abuse, they began t o be a b l e t o p e r c e i v e the world as l e s s of a t h r e a t . L i f e c o u l d be t r u s t e d t o a c t more p r e d i c t a b l y than i t appeared i n the tumultuous times f o l l o w i n g d i s c l o s u r e of the abuse: "You b e g i n t o wonder about who e l s e you know who might be a s e x u a l abuser. But a f t e r a w h i l e you l e a r n more about what's going on and you can do something about p r o t e c t i n g your k i d s . " For each of these men t h i s p r o c e s s of r e g a i n i n g t r u s t c o n t i n u e s throughout the e n t i r e p r o c e s s of r e c o v e r y . One t h i n g i s c e r t a i n ; t h e i r l i v e s w i l l never be the same. From i n i t i a l l y l e a r n i n g of the abuse t o r e g a i n i n g a sense of normalcy, each of these f a t h e r s has had a r a d i c a l change of h i s world t o cope w i t h . T h e i r e x p e r i e n c e s i n r e l a t i o n t o the s e x u a l abuse of t h e i r c h i l d r e n are c o n t i n u i n g t o grow. The s e x u a l abuse of a c h i l d i s a d r a s t i c a f f r o n t t o a f a t h e r ' s p e r c e p t i o n of h i s r o l e as the p r o t e c t o r of h i s c h i l d r e n . He must dea l w i t h h i s own r e s p o n s i b i l i t y of f a i l i n g t o p r o t e c t h i s c h i l d from being abused w h i l e at the same time work t o r e g a i n a sense of normalcy i n h i s f a m i l y by seeking treatment and j u s t i c e , i . e . t o reverse the e f f e c t s of the abuse on h i s f a m i l y . These two themes emerge as h i s l i f e was d i s r u p t e d and he sought t o r e p a i r the damage. CHAPTER V CONCLUSIONS The f i n a l c h a pter w i l l d i s c u s s the l i m i t a t i o n s of t h i s study as w e l l as q u e s t i o n s f o r f u t u r e r e s e a r c h . F u r t h e r t o t h i s , an attempt w i l l be made t o i n t e g r a t e the f i n d i n g s of t h i s study w i t h e x i s t i n g f i n d i n g s i n the l i t e r a t u r e . F i n a l l y , some i m p l i c a t i o n s f o r s o c i a l work w i l l be e x p l o r e d . L i m i t a t i o n s of the Study One of the l i m i t a t i o n s of t h i s study i s the l i m i t e d number of s u b j e c t s i n t e r v i e w e d . However, the g e n e r a l i t y of the concepts o b t a i n e d from these f o u r f a t h e r s ' e x p e r i e n c e s i s such t h a t a p p l i c a t i o n can be made over a wide v a r i e t y of s i t u a t i o n s ( G l a s e r & S t r a u s s , 1967). What i s important i s d e v e l o p i n g c o n c e p t u a l c l a r i t y about the e x p e r i e n c e of f a t h e r s w i t h i n a c o n t e x t . T h i s can be achieved w i t h o n l y a few i n t e r v i e w s and from t h e r e the p r o c e s s of examining the t o p i c i n g r e a t e r d e t a i l b e g i n s . Though these men were from a s i n g l e geographic area, which happens t o be r e l a t i v e l y r i c h i n s o c i a l s e r v i c e r e s o u r c e s , t h e i r p e r s o n a l backgrounds are v a r i e d enough so as t o add t o the composite p i c t u r e developed. E t h n i c a l l y , one f a t h e r was of H i s p a n i c descent, one was E a s t I n d i a n descent, and the o t h e r two were Caucasian who grew up l o c a l l y . I t would be advantageous i n 52 53 f u r t h e r r e s e a r c h t o e x p l o r e i f experiences v a r i e d w i t h d i f f e r e n t e t h n i c , age, p r o f e s s i o n a l , and geographic c h a r a c t e r i s t i c s . Another l i m i t a t i o n c o u l d be seen as the r e t r o s p e c t i v e d e s i g n o f the study. I t i s l i k e l y t h a t the p e r c e p t i o n s of the men's e a r l i e r e x p e r i e n c e s have changed over time. However, t h i s c o u l d a l s o be i n t e r p r e t e d as a s t r e n g t h i n t h a t the men have a l l had time t o r e f l e c t on t h e i r e x p e r i e n c e s , g a i n i n f o r m a t i o n which would a l l o w them t o put t h e i r e x periences i n c l e a r e r p e r s p e c t i v e , and i n t e g r a t e t h e i r e x p e r i e n c e s i n t o a c o h e s i v e whole. T h i s allowed the men t o have ex p e r i e n c e s of not o n l y the i n i t i a l c r i s i s p e r i o d but of the treatment and r e c o v e r y process as w e l l . A l l o f the men a r t i c u l a t e d t h e i r e x p e r i e n c e s w e l l which may i n d i c a t e a l e v e l of d i s t a n c e from the i n i t i a l p a i n a l l o w i n g f o r more s u b t l e i n t e r n a l e x p e r i e n c e s t o s u r f a c e . These might have been b l o c k e d out i f the men were i n t e r v i e w e d too soon a f t e r the d i s c l o s u r e of the abuse. The b i a s of the r e s e a r c h e r c o u l d be seen as a l i m i t a t i o n as o n l y one person has conducted the i n t e r v i e w s and a n a l y s e d the d a t a . Another r e s e a r c h e r might have d e r i v e d d i f f e r e n t c a t e g o r i e s or v a l u e d c e r t a i n statements more h i g h l y . T h i s , however, w i l l h o p e f u l l y be accounted f o r as more r e s e a r c h i s conducted and g r a d u a l l y i n t e g r a t e d t o g i v e a more complete p i c t u r e of the e f f e c t s of c h i l d s e x u a l abuse on n o n - o f f e n d i n g f a t h e r s . Another l i m i t a t i o n i s the time-consuming nature of the a n a l y s i s which must i n c l u d e making t r a n s c r i p t s and s e l e c t i n g 54 codes f o r statements made by each s u b j e c t . These codes must then be merged i n t o c a t e g o r i e s and c a t e g o r i e s merged i n t o themes. The number of hours necessary t o adequately a n a l y s e data p r o v i d e d by o n l y f o u r s u b j e c t s can be i n t i m i d a t i n g t o the r e s e a r c h e r . However, the c o s t s of c o n d u c t i n g q u a l i t a t i v e r e s e a r c h are necessary i f one wishes t o b e g i n t o e x p l o r e new areas of study. Questions For Future Research F u r t h e r r e s e a r c h i n t o the e x p e r i e n c e s of n o n - o f f e n d i n g f a t h e r s c o u l d take a number of d i c t i o n s . I t c o u l d be h y p o t h e s i z e d t h a t e x p e r i e n c e s would d i f f e r depending on who the p e r p e t r a t o r was, the type of abuse t h a t o c c u r r e d and the l e n g t h of time between the abuse o c c u r r i n g and the time the f a t h e r l e a r n e d o f the abuse. Expending some e f f o r t t o look i n t o these areas i n more depth c o u l d p r o v i d e c l i n i c i a n s w i t h v a l u a b l e i n f o r m a t i o n about how f a t h e r s d i f f e r i n t h e i r e x p e r i e n c e s based on t h e s e v a r i a b l e s . T h i s would i n t u r n l e a d t o a more focused i n t e r v e n t i o n . I t was i n t e r e s t i n g t o note t h a t of a l l of the agencies c o n t a c t e d p r o v i d i n g s e r v i c e s f o r s e x u a l abuse v i c t i m s , o n l y one had n o n - o f f e n d i n g f a t h e r s i n treatment. A study t o f i n d out the number of n o n - o f f e n d i n g f a t h e r s i n v o l v e d i n treatment, i n c l u d i n g why the agency chose t o i n v o l v e them or, c o n v e r s e l y , not t o i n v o l v e them would l e a d t o u s e f u l i n f o r m a t i o n about these men's 55 r o l e s i n h e l p i n g the v i c t i m . I f the men were not i n v o l v e d i n treatment, does t h i s r e p r e s e n t a non-systemic b i a s on the p a r t o f t he agency, or a l a c k o f c o o p e r a t i o n on the p a r t o f the f a t h e r s , o r both? I t appears t h a t the f a t h e r s i n t h i s study may have b e n e f i t e d from exposure t o c r i s i s events i n the p a s t . Does p r e v i o u s success i n r e s o l v i n g c r i s e s i n f l u e n c e a f a t h e r ' s a b i l i t y t o r e s o l v e the d i f f i c u l t i e s brought on by the abuse of h i s c h i l d ? Again, t h i s i n f o r m a t i o n may h e l p c l i n i c i a n s a n t i c i p a t e d i r e c t i o n s t o move i n the treatment of thes e i s s u e s . Perhaps i t would be h e l p f u l t o f o l l o w these men l o n g i t u d i n a l l y t o e x p l o r e the pr o g r e s s they make i n r e s o l v i n g t h e i r d i f f i c u l t i e s over time. I t would a l s o be i n t e r e s t i n g t o ask the f a t h e r s , i n h i n d s i g h t , how they t h i n k the abuse c o u l d have been prevented, and g e t a c l e a r e r u n d e r s t a n d i n g o f t h e i r sense o f r e s p o n s i b i l i t y f o r the abuse. As w e l l , they c o u l d be monitored t o see how t h i s sense o f r e s p o n s i b i l i t y i s r e s o l v e d w i t h i n them, or t o see i f i t l i n g e r s as a p e r s o n a l i s s u e f o r them over time. I n t e g r a t i o n o f F i n d i n g s With L i t e r a t u r e C h a r l e s (1987) found t h a t when l o o k i n g a t the experiences of n o n - o f f e n d i n g mothers, these e x p e r i e n c e s are "best viewed as a p r o c e s s , r a t h e r than a s t a t i c event" (p. 62). The experiences of n o n - o f f e n d i n g f a t h e r s develop over time from the i n i t i a l shock a t t h e d i s c l o s u r e o f the abuse, through the p r o c e s s o f f i n d i n g h e l p f o r the f a m i l y , t o r e g a i n i n g a sense o f normalcy. The f o u r c a t e g o r i e s overlapped somewhat. The f a t h e r ' s i n i t i a l r e a c t i o n t o the d i s c l o s u r e may i s o l a t e him from o t h e r s i n h i s f a m i l y . H i s r e l a t i o n s h i p s change as a r e s u l t , h i n d e r i n g the r e c o v e r y p r o c e s s and l e a d i n g t o prolonged s t r e s s i n d e a l i n g with h i s s e l f i s s u e s . L i k e the C h a r l e s study, these men were p r o f o u n d l y a f f e c t e d i n t h e i r p e r c e p t i o n o f t h e i r r o l e as p r o t e c t o r . U n l i k e non-offending mothers i n an i n c e s t s i t u a t i o n , t hese men d i d not appear t o experience the same degree o f g u i l t and s e l f - d o u b t around not p r e v e n t i n g the abuse. T h i s c o u l d be a defence mechanism on the p a r t o f the men, or more probably, a d i f f e r e n t way o f vi e w i n g r e s p o n s i b i l i t y . At t h i s p o i n t i t i s u n c l e a r how much of t h i s p e r c e p t i o n i s a gender d i f f e r e n c e o r a t t r i b u t e d t o the d i f f e r e n t p e r c e p t i o n o f r o l e p e r c e i v e d by the f a t h e r s than by mothers. Another c h a r a c t e r i s t i c which c o u l d account f o r t h e d i f f e r e n t p e r c e p t i o n of r e s p o n s i b i l i t y i s than i n the case o f these f o u r f a t h e r s , they were i n s i g n i f i c a n t l y l e s s i n t i m a t e r e l a t i o n s h i p s w i t h the o f f e n d e r s than were the mothers i n t h e C h a r l e s study. The f a t h e r s would then f e e l l e s s r e s p o n s i b i l i t y f o r having known what the o f f e n d e r was doing. Along t h i s l i n e , the f a t h e r s i n the p r e s e n t study d i d not exp e r i e n c e the same degree of d i v i d e d l o y a l t i e s as d i d the mothers i n the C h a r l e s study (1987). Though the f a t h e r s f e l t some l o s s a t the o f f e n d e r ' s breach of t r u s t , they were not as upset by the l o s s of r e l a t i o n s h i p . T h i s i s understandable when 57 one c o n s i d e r s the investment i n i n t i m a c y w i t h a spouse v e r s u s t h a t w i t h a son, acquaintance, or b a b y - s i t t e r , though the l o s s e s f e l t by f a t h e r s whose sons had offended were acute. Compared w i t h the Regehr (1988) study, these men i n the p r e s e n t study expressed s i m i l a r f e e l i n g s of g u i l t around not p r o t e c t i n g t h e i r c h i l d r e n . However, they d i d not appear t o e x p e r i e n c e t h a t g u i l t as i n t e n s e l y as the men r e p o r t e d by Regehr. As w e l l , the f a t h e r s d i d not e x p e r i e n c e the same degree of g u i l t f o r c a u s i n g the o f f e n d e r so much t r o u b l e as d i d the men i n the Regehr study. T h i s c o u l d be accounted f o r i n t h a t the men i n the p r e s e n t study were r e p o r t i n g t h e i r e x p e r i e n c e s f a r l o n g e r " a f t e r the f a c t " than those i n Regehr's study and would have had time t o weigh t h e i r e x p e r i e n c e s and i n t e g r a t e them more w i t h new l e a r n i n g about r e s p o n s i b i l i t y . In terms o f f a t h e r r o l e (Lynn, 1974), the f a t h e r s e x p e r i e n c e d the most d i s r u p t i o n i n t h e i r p e r c e p t i o n of t h e i r r o l e as p r o t e c t o r . Though they d i d not f e e l extremely g u i l t y , they d i d e x p e r i e n c e much f r u s t r a t i o n . Regarding t h e i r r o l e as n u r t u r e r s , the men found t h a t they had, a t l e a s t f o r the time s i n c e the abuse u n t i l b e i n g i n t e r v i e w e d , e x p e r i e n c e d some l o s s e s around no l o n g e r being f r e e t o be a f f e c t i o n a t e w i t h t h e i r c h i l d r e n . As problem-solvers, these men appeared t o be q u i t e s u c c e s s f u l i n t h e i r e x p e c t a t i o n s of h e l p i n g t h e i r f a m i l i e s through the trauma of the abuse. I t i s perhaps i r o n i c t h a t t h i s emphasis on p r o b l e m - s o l v i n g r a t h e r than on o v e r t e x p r e s s i o n of emotion a t the i n i t i a l d i s c l o s u r e phase c o n t r i b u t e d t o c o n f l i c t 58 between them and t h e i r wives. T h i s became an area of h u r t f o r the men but a l s o an area of s u c c e s s f u l p r o b l e m - s o l v i n g as those r e l a t i o n s h i p s were r e s t o r e d , even improved. U n l i k e many f a t h e r s , e s p e c i a l l y when the p e r p e t r a t o r i s not known, thes e men were not aware of b e i n g put under s u s p i c i o n f o r h a v i n g committed the abuse. As much of the l i t e r a t u r e r e f e r s t o o f f e n d i n g f a t h e r s ( F i n k e l h o r , 1986), the men i n the p r e s e n t study would c e r t a i n l y have been at r i s k of s u s p i c i o n i f the o f f e n d e r had not been i n i t i a l l y i d e n t i f i e d . I t i s c l e a r t h a t the abuse of t h e i r c h i l d r e n produced profound e f f e c t s on these men. I t i s perhaps a l a r m i n g t h a t , even w i t h the number of c e l e b r a t e d c h i l d abuse cases p e r p e t r a t e d by t e a c h e r s , c l e r g y , and o t h e r c a r e - g i v e r s r e c e n t l y i n t h i s p r o v i n c e , t h e r e does not appear t o be an emphasis i n i n c l u d i n g n o n - o f f e n d i n g f a t h e r s i n the treatment. Some agencies i n s i s t t h a t mothers p a r t i c i p a t e i n treatment w i t h t h e i r c h i l d r e n but a p p a r e n t l y the same v a l u e i s not p l a c e d on treatment f o r non-o f f e n d i n g f a t h e r s ( P a t t e r s o n , 1988). I f the r e s u l t s of t h i s study are any i n d i c a t i o n , n o n - o f f e n d i n g f a t h e r s not o n l y have profound i s s u e s f o r themselves t o r e s o l v e , but they are i n e x t r i c a b l y connected t o the h e a l i n g p r o c e s s f o r the v i c t i m s and the r e s t of t h e i r f a m i l i e s . S o c i a l Work I m p l i c a t i o n s P r i o r t o t h i s study l i t t l e was known about the e xperiences o f n o n - o f f e n d i n g f a t h e r s of s e x u a l l y abused c h i l d r e n . What i s apparent now i s t h a t the abuse of a c h i l d i s a p r o f o u n d l y t r a u m a t i c event f o r f a t h e r s . With t h i s i n mind, the i m p l i c a t i o n s o f t h i s study f o r s o c i a l work p r a c t i c e w i l l be d i s c u s s e d . The l a c k of i n f o r m a t i o n on the e f f e c t s of c h i l d s exual abuse on the n o n -offending f a t h e r s i s remarkable. I t i s d i s t u r b i n g t o t h i n k t h a t t h i s may be r e f l e c t e d i n a l a c k of awareness a t the p r a c t i c e l e v e l of the impact of t h i s trauma on f a t h e r s . The f i r s t c l e a r i m p l i c a t i o n f o r s o c i a l work p r a c t i c e i s t h a t , whether at the c h i l d p r o t e c t i o n l e v e l or the treatment l e v e l , s o c i a l workers need to be aware of and s e n s i t i v e t o the e f f e c t s of c h i l d sexual abuse on f a t h e r s . T h i s emphasizes the need f o r a l a r g e r systemic view of c r i s i s events on f a m i l i e s which may mean s o c i a l s e r v i c e agency mandates may have t o be broadened t o i n c o r p o r a t e a l a r g e r view. S o c i a l workers w i l l have t o a ssess f a t h e r s who may not o n l y have been a f f e c t e d p r o f o u n d l y by the abuse of t h e i r c h i l d r e n , but who w i l l a l s o be a v a l u a b l e and necessary component i n the s u c c e s s f u l treatment of the v i c t i m s and t h e i r f a m i l i e s . Based on the f a t h e r s ' statements, c h i l d w e l f a r e agencies should be t r a i n i n g t h e i r f r o n t l i n e workers t o conduct t h e i r i n v e s t i g a t i o n s i n a more c o n s i s t e n t , p r o f e s s i o n a l manner. Lack of s t a f f i n g may be a 60 major problem. Over-worked s o c i a l workers f i n d themselves i n a d i f f i c u l t p o s i t i o n t o conduct t h e i r case work th o r o u g h l y . An i n c r e a s e d number of s o c i a l workers may be needed t o ensure t h a t s e x u a l abuse i n v e s t i g a t i o n s are handled p r o f e s s i o n a l l y and with s e n s i t i v i t y t o the needs of the v i c t i m ' s f a m i l y . In terms of the p o l i c i e s of treatment a g e n c i e s , the r e s u l t s of t h i s study compel s o c i a l workers t o r e q u i r e n o n - o f f e n d i n g f a t h e r s be i n c l u d e d i n treatment. I f t h e o r e t i c a l b i a s has i n any way excluded these f a t h e r s from treatment, r e s p o n s i b l e s o c i a l workers must r e t h i n k t h e i r t h e o r e t i c a l frameworks because i t i s u n d e n i a b l e t h a t a n o n - o f f e n d i n g f a t h e r i s an i n t e g r a l p a r t o f a f a m i l y where c h i l d s e x u a l abuse has o c c u r r e d . A c c o r d i n g to the e x p e r i e n c e s of the f a t h e r s , agencies p o s s e s s i n g these b i a s e s must change t h e i r p o l i c i e s t o i n c l u d e n o n - o f f e n d i n g f a t h e r s . As the p r o t e c t o r r o l e was c e n t r a l i n these f a t h e r s ' e x p e r i e n c e s , i t i s necessary t o i n c l u d e more e d u c a t i o n f o r p a r e n t s t o understand how t o b e t t e r p r o t e c t t h e i r c h i l d r e n a g a i n s t s e x u a l abuse. Based on the f a t h e r s ' comments, the need i s f o r i n f o r m a t i o n on the r i s k areas where se x u a l abuse may occur, a l t e r n a t i v e s f o r parents who f i n d t h e i r c h i l d r e n are a t r i s k , i n f o r m a t i o n on the types and consequences of s e x u a l abuse, and warning s i g n s t h a t a c h i l d may have been abused so the c h i l d w i l l not c o n t i n u e t o be a t r i s k . As w e l l , i n f o r m a t i o n about how p e r p e t r a t o r s operate would h e l p i n p r e v e n t i o n . Whether t h i s happens through p a r e n t s a s s o c i a t i o n s i n s c h o o l s , through the mass media, or in some other way, social workers must press for help for parents to be better able to protect their children. 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B r i t i s h Columbia M e d i c a l  J o u r n a l . V o l . 26, No. 7, p. 440-441. Lynn, D. (1974). The F a t h e r : H i s Role i n C h i l d Development. Monterrey, C a l i f o r n i a : Brooks/Cole P u b l i s h i n g Co. MacFarlane, K. & Waterman, J . (1986). Sexual Abuse of Young  C h i l d r e n . New York: The G u i l f o r d P r e s s . Marshal, T . J . (1986). P s y c h o l o g i c a l E f f e c t s of I n c e s t on the N o n - p a r t i c i p a t i n g S i b l i n g from an Incestuous Family. i n D i s s e r t a t i o n A b s t r a c t s I n t e r n a t i o n a l . 46, 8B, p. 2853. M i l e s , M. and Huberman, A.M. (1984). Q u a l i t a t i v e Data A n a l y s i s : A Sourcebook of New Methods. B e v e r l y H i l l s : Sage P u b l i c a t i o n s , Inc. Park, R. (1981). F a t h e r s . Cambridge, Mass: Harvard U n i v e r s i t y P r e s s . P a t t e r s o n , D. (1988). Sexual abuse c o u n s e l l o r . P e r s o n a l correspondence on mandates of sexual abuse treatment a g e n c i e s . Patton, M.Q. (1980). Q u a l i t a t i v e E v a l u a t i o n Methods. B e v e r l y H i l l s : Sage P u b l i c a t i o n s . 64 P e l l e t i e r , G. and Handy, L. (1986). Family d y s f u n c t i o n and the p s y c h o l o g i c a l impact of c h i l d s e x u a l abuse. Canadian  J o u r n a l of P s y c h i a t r y . V o l . 31, No. 5. Regehr, C. (1988). P a r e n t a l responses t o e x t r a - f a m i l i a l c h i l d s e x u a l abuse. Unpublished paper submitted f o r p u b l i c a t i o n t o C h i l d Abuse and N e g l e c t . R u s s e l l , D. (1983). The i n c i d e n c e and p r e v a l e n c e of i n t r a f a m i l i a l and e x t r a f a m i l i a l s e x u a l abuse of female c h i l d r e n . C h i l d Abuse and N e g l e c t , V o l . 7, p. 133-146. Schrag, C. (1967). Elements of t h e o r e t i c a l a n a l y s i s i n s o c i o l o g y . S o c i o l o g i c a l Theory: I n q u i r i e s and  Paradigms. L. Gross, ed. New York: Harper and Row. S e l t i z , C., wrightman, L., and Cook, S. (1976). Research Methods i n S o c i a l R e l a t i o n s . New York: H o l t , R i n e h a r t and Winston. S g r o i , S. (1982). Handbook o f C l i n i c a l I n t e r v e n t i o n i n C h i l d  Sexual Abuse. Lexington, Mass: D.C. Heath and Co. Walsh, F. (1988). From an address g i v e n a t the Western Canadian Conference on Family P r a c t i c e , Banff, A l b e r t a . Wyatt, G. (1985). The sexual abuse of Afro-American and White American women i n c h i l d h o o d . C h i l d Abuse and N e g l e c t . V o l . 9, p. 507-519. 65 APPENDIX A Date Contact Person Agency Name and Address Dear Contact Person, I am a graduate student i n S o c i a l Work a t U.B.C. and w i l l be c o n d u c t i n g a r e s e a r c h study on "Experiences of Non-Offending F a t h e r s of S e x u a l l y Abused c h i l d r e n " . The study w i l l take p l a c e from January t o June, 1988. Much i s b e i n g w r i t t e n on c h i l d s e x u a l abuse. A n o t i c e a b l e gap i n the l i t e r a t u r e e x i s t s r e l a t i v e t o what non-offending f a t h e r s e x p e r i e n c e when one or more of t h e i r c h i l d r e n are abused. In working w i t h f a m i l i e s , i t i s important t o understand what the d i f f i c u l t i s s u e s are f o r f a t h e r s i n o r d e r not t o n e g l e c t t h e i r needs n the t h e r a p e u t i c p r o c e s s . I t i s hoped t h a t by s y s t e m a t i c o b s e r v a t i o n of t h e i r e x p e r i e n c e s t h a t t h i s study w i l l l e a d t o b e t t e r treatment f o r f a t h e r s and t h e i r f a m i l i e s a f t e r a c h i l d has been abused. The study w i l l c o n s i s t of a s e r i e s of 1 t o 1 1/2 hour v i d e o -taped i n t e r v i e w s (one i n t e r v i e w per respondent). These i n t e r v i e w s w i l l take p l a c e a t the Family P r a c t i c e U n i t a t U.B.C. where I am working as a f a m i l y t h e r a p i s t . I f t h i s l o c a t i o n i s not convenient, the i n t e r v i e w can be taped elsewhere. The i n t e r v i e w s w i l l be t r a n s c r i b e d and then erased. To p r o t e c t c o n f i d e n t i a l i t y , a t no time w i l l the s u b j e c t ' s name, address or phone number appear on any of the r e s e a r c h m a t e r i a l . I am w r i t i n g t o r e q u e s t any r e f e r r a l s o f men who are non-o f f e n d i n g f a t h e r s of s e x u a l l y abused c h i l d r e n . I f they consent t o the i n t e r v i e w , they are f r e e t o withdraw a t any time, or to r e f u s e t o answer any of the q u e s t i o n s . Any such c h o i c e w i l l i n no way j e o p a r d i z e f u r t h e r treatment or s e r v i c e s they are c u r r e n t l y r e c e i v i n g . Working through the trauma f o l l o w i n g a s e x u a l abuse can be both d i f f i c u l t and p a i n f u l . During the i n t e r v i e w , s t r o n g emotions may be aroused i n the s u b j e c t . These can e i t h e r be addressed as they a r i s e or w i t h h i s t h e r a p i s t . The s u b j e c t may a l s o d i s c u s s the i n t e r v i e w w i t h the i n t e r v i e w e r a f t e r i t has ended. The p a r t i c i p a n t s w i l l be asked t o s i g n a consent form p r i o r t o the i n t e r v i e w and w i l l r e c e i v e a copy of the consent form. 67 APPENDIX B INTERVIEW GUIDE PART I 1. a) Who i s i n your f a m i l y ? ( b a s i c genogram i n f o r m a t i o n ) b) Which c h i l d was abused? c) When d i d the abuse occur? d) What was the nature and the d u r a t i o n of the abuse? 2 . a) How d i d you i n i t i a l l y hear about the abuse of your c h i l d ? b) What were you t o l d ? c) What was your i n i t i a l response t o t h i s ? (probe f o r thoughts, f e e l i n g s , a c t i o n s ) 3. Has the d i s c l o s u r e and what you know about the abuse a f f e c t e d your r e l a t i o n s h i p w i t h the abused c h i l d ? How so? 4. a) Has a l l of t h i s a f f e c t e d your r e l a t i o n s h i p s w i t h the o t h e r c h i l d r e n i n the f a m i l y ? How so? b) Has a l l of t h i s a f f e c t e d your r e l a t i o n s h i p s w i t h o t h e r c h i l d r e n i n g e n e r a l ? How so? 5. Has a l l o f t h i s a f f e c t e d your r e l a t i o n s h i p w i t h your wife? How so? 6. Has a l l of t h i s a f f e c t e d the o t h e r c h i l d r e n i n the home? How so? 7. Has a l l o f t h i s a f f e c t e d the r e l a t i o n s h i p s of the o t h e r c h i l d r e n i n the home w i t h the abused c h i l d ? How so? 8. Has a l l of t h i s a f f e c t e d your i d e a s about b e i n g a f a t h e r ? (probe f o r sense of r e s p o n s i b i l i t y and p r o t e c t i v e n e s s ) Prompt: "Some f a t h e r s f e e l v e r y p r o t e c t i v e toward t h e i r c h i l d r e n w h i l e o t h e r s f e e l t h a t a c h i l d ' s independence i s more important." 9. a) Have you done an y t h i n g t o t r y t o h e l p the abused c h i l d overcome t h i s d i f f i c u l t event? What have you done? b) Have you done an y t h i n g t o t r y t o h e l p the r e s t of the f a m i l y overcome t h i s d i f f i c u l t event? What have you done? 10. I f you know the person who committed the abuse, has your r e l a t i o n s h i p w i t h o f f e n d e r changed s i n c e you l e a r n e d of the abuse? How so? (probe f o r c o n f l i c t i n g l o y a l t i e s ) 68 11. a) Is t h e r e a n y t h i n g t h a t you have found p a r t i c u l a r l y h e l p f u l as you have t r i e d t o cope w i t h t h i s event? b) I s t h e r e a n y t h i n g t h a t you have found p a r t i c u l a r l y d i f f i c u l t as you have t r i e d t o cope w i t h t h i s event? (probe r e d i f f e r e n t s e r v i c e s / a g e n c i e s encountered, h i s t o r y of own/spouse's abuse, suspected of b e i n g the o f f e n d e r ) 12. I f you had t o go through t h i s again, i s t h e r e a n y t h i n g you would do d i f f e r e n t l y ? 13. What su g g e s t i o n s would you g i v e o t h e r men f a c e d w i t h s i m i l a r e x p e r i e n c e s ? 14. We have t a l k e d a l o t about your e x p e r i e n c e s today. Are t h e r e any areas t h a t have not been d i s c u s s e d t h a t you would l i k e t o mention? PART I I A f t e r i n t e r v i e w completion, the f o l l o w i n g demographic/background data w i l l be gathered i f not r a i s e d i n the d i s c u s s i o n s of PART I: 1. Amount of time s i n c e f a t h e r f i r s t l e a r n e d of the abuse. 2. Age and gender of a l l c h i l d r e n i n the f a m i l y . 3. Age of mother and f a t h e r . 4. R e l a t i o n s h i p of o f f e n d e r t o the v i c t i m : s i b l i n g , extended f a m i l y member, acquaintance, s t r a n g e r , o t h e r . 5. F a m i l y ' s economic s t a t u s : a) g r o s s f a m i l y income: under $30,000 per year, $30,000 to $50,000 per year, over $50,000 per year. b) type of work mother and f a t h e r do. 6. S t a t u s of the o f f e n d e r : i d e n t i f i e d ? charged? appeared i n c o u r t ? i n j a i l ? accepted/denied r e s p o n s i b i l i t y ? i n treatment? 69 APPENDIX C  PRE-INTERVIEW INSTRUCTIONS Many f a t h e r s f i n d the sexual abuse of t h e i r c h i l d a d i f f i c u l t e x p e r i e n c e . T a l k i n g about your e x p e r i e n c e w i t h me may b r i n g back some p a i n f u l f e e l i n g s . To some f a t h e r s , t a l k i n g about t h e i r c h i l d ' s abuse and what t h a t was l i k e f o r them as a f a t h e r a l s o b r i n g s up p a i n f u l e x p e r i e n c e s from t h e i r own c h i l d h o o d . I t may be d i f f i c u l t t o t a l k about t h a t , o r your own f e a r s and h u r t s . P l e a s e t r y t o t a l k about a l l o f the t h i n g s you ex p e r i e n c e d a f t e r l e a r n i n g t h a t your c h i l d was s e x u a l l y abused. I t i s important t h a t we l e a r n as much as p o s s i b l e about what f a t h e r s go through d u r i n g these times. I ' l l be a s k i n g you some q u e s t i o n s t o guide the i n t e r v i e w , but p l e a s e be as honest and as complete i n your answers as you can be. 73 i n r e c o r d i n g your responses. The tape w i l l be t r a n s c r i b e d i n t o w r i t t e n form and the tape erased. I f you consent t o the i n t e r v i e w , you are f r e e t o withdraw a t any time or t o reuse t o answer any of the q u e s t i o n . Any such c h o i c e w i l l i n no way j e o p a r d i z e f u r t h e r treatment or s e r v i c e s a t the Family P r a c t i c e U n i t or a t any agency where you are now r e c e i v i n g treatment. T h i s i n t e r v i e w w i l l take 1 t o 1 1/2 hours. As you are p r o b a b l y aware, working through the trauma f o l l o w i n g a s e x u a l abuse can be both d i f f i c u l t and p a i n f u l . During the i n t e r v i e w , s t r o n g emotions may be aroused i n you. These can e i t h e r be addressed as they a r i s e or w i t h your t h e r a p i s t . You may a l s o d i s c u s s the i n t e r v i e w w i t h the i n t e r v i e w e r a f t e r i t has ended. P l e a s e i n d i c a t e your formal consent t o b e i n g -interviewed and to the u t i l i z a t i o n o f the i n t e r v i e w m a t e r i a l f o r the above-noted r e s e a r c h p r o j e c t . Your s i g n a t u r e a l s o acknowledges your r e c e i p t o f a copy o f the consent form. S i g n a t u r e ( f a t h e r ) S i g n a t u r e ( i n t e r v i e w e r ) • Date 74 APPENDIX G TRANSCRIPT OF SAMPLE INTERVIEW I: = I n t e r v i e w e r F: = F a t h e r I: I have about a page and a h a l f of q u e s t i o n s so I don't t h i n k i t should take l o n g e r than about an hour. A l l r i g h t ? F: Sure. I: F i r s t o f a l l , i f I can j u s t ask you who's i n your f a m i l y ? F: My w i f e , C a r o l . I: C a r o l ? Okay. F: And Robert i s the e l d e s t . I: Robert? F: Yes. R-O-B-E-R-T ( s p e l l i n g the name) and the youngest i s Henry. I: How o l d are they? F: Henry j u s t t u r n e d f o u r - February 10th, and Robert w i l l be nine i n May. I: And how o l d are you? F: I'm t h i r t y - t h r e e , j u s t t u rned. I: And your wife? F: T h i r t y - f i v e . T h i r t y - f o u r a c t u a l l y . I always t e l l her she's two ye a r s o l d e r ( s m i l i n g ) . I: Now, which of the c h i l d r e n was abused? F: Robert. I n t e r v i e w e r e x p l a n a t i o n - I d e n t i f i c a t i o n Members of the f a m i l y - Ages 75 I: Robert was. occur? Okay. And when d i d t h a t F: Um...that would be...I guess we, we c o t t o n e d on t o i t about two years ago, so, two and a h a l f y e a r s ago, but a c t u a l l y i t would be when he was around f i v e . U n c e r t a i n t y re d i s c l o s u r e Time of abuse A l l r i g h t . And, can you t e l l me the nature and the d u r a t i o n of the abuse? F: From what we understand i t was a baby-s i t t e r , a male b a b y s i t t e r . He hasn't gone t o a t o t a l d i s c l o s u r e so we're not sure as t o the exact e x t e n t . So i t c o u l d be anywhere from f o n d l i n g t o buggery. Although he d i d have some i n d i c a t i o n t h a t i t c o u l d have been some a n a l p e n e t r a t i o n because h i s anus was raw. He does have some warts on h i s anus t h a t r e o c c u r when he g e t s e m o t i o n a l l y upset. But we're not 100% s u r e . I: One n i g h t or on a number of o c c a s i o n s ? F: Again, we're not 100% sure but I would say a t l e a s t t w i c e . Some people seem t o t h i n k t h e r e was more o c c u r r i n g and some t h i n k i t was a one shot d e a l . So we're not 100% s u r e . Abuser U n c e r t a i n t y re d i s c l o s u r e Type of abuse U n c e r t a i n t y - E x t e n t o f abuse - U n c e r t a i n t y I: And how d i d you i n i t i a l l y hear about the abuse of Robert? F: Um...you know I r e a l l y don't remember. H i s b e h a v i o r a t s c h o o l began t o d e t e r i o r a t e t i l i t became q u i t e unbearable, unmanageable. And we were l o o k i n g f o r s o l u t i o n s . We went through v a r i o u s channels t o f i n d out what was wrong w i t h the boy and what ...was t h e r e a l l e r g y problems and so on. And I r e a l l y f o r g e t . . . even when we n o t i c e d the r a s h on h i s b a c k s i d e we took him t o the a l l e r g y s p e c i a l i s t . She j u s t s a i d i t was a r e a c t i o n t o soup. So we t r e a t e d t h a t . I f o r g e t . I h o n e s t l y don't remember how we came t o d e c i d e t h i s might be what i t i s . P r e - d i s c l o s u r e - b e h a v i o r change - s e a r c h f o r understanding - h e l p - s e e k i n g - s e a r c h f o r t h e o r y / understanding - u n c e r t a i n t y - u n c e r t a i n t y re d i s c o v e r y of abuse 76 F: And we were i n a l o t o f doubt f o r about a year . We f i n a l l y ended up going t o C h i l d r e n ' s H o s p i t a l and seeking one of the s p e c i a l i s t s t h e r e . And he confirmed t h a t t h e r e was no q u e s t i o n . And we took i t from t h e r e . But no, i f we were s i t t i n g around and Robert e x h i b i t e d some be h a v i o r we d i d n ' t j u s t say, " T h i s i s from s e x u a l abuse." No, we d i d n ' t know. I: So you l e a r n e d i t over a p e r i o d o f time. Then d i d he d i s c l o s e t o a degree what happened? F: He had d i s c l o s e d t o o t h e r people, l i k e d o c t o r s , but he never r e a l l y d i s c l o s e d i t to us. We had t o b a s i c a l l y t e l l him we knew what i t was and understood, then he would say a l i t t l e b i t . And even when he would d i s c l o s e a l i t t l e b i t - i t was h a l f of a s t o r y he was t e l l i n g . And he would o n l y t e l l t h i s h a l f and t h a t ' s a l l . And he would t e l l p e r f e c t l y f o u r s e c t i o n s about one n i g h t when Bennie was b a b y - s i t t i n g . I l e f t , they put s t i c k e r s on a model, he went to bed, he came i n and touched me. And t h a t ' s a l l . That's i t . He wouldn't say anymore. And we knew i t was more than t h a t . Um, I'm s t i l l t r y i n g t o t h i n k o f your f i r s t q u e s t i o n about when d i d we know. I h o n e s t l y don't know. My w i f e would know b e t t e r than me. I: What was your i n i t i a l response t o when you f i r s t came t o understand the abuse had happened? F: I guess I've been t o l d by my w i f e t h a t I'm d i f f e r e n t than o t h e r people. But I focused my emotions on t r y i n g t o get some h e l p . Because a l l I c o u l d see was t h a t I had a c h i l d t h a t was b e h a v i o r a l l y he was out of c o n t r o l . I r e a l l y d i d n ' t concern myself w i t h the reasons why. - time r e d i s c l o s u r e p r o c e s s - h e l p s e e k i n g - S u s p i c i o n s confirmed/ d i s c l o s u r e - u n c e r t a i n t y r e meaning of abuse D i s c l o s u r e made to ? - F a t h e r ' s d i s c l o s u r e b e h a v i o r - K i d ' s d i s c l o s u r e p a t t e r n - K i d ' s d i s c l o s u r e p a t t e r n - Parent's a n x i e t y r e h a l f s t o r y - U n c e r t a i n t y re time D i f f e r e n c e i n response - w i f e ' s p e r c e p t i o n of husband's response - emotions not i d e n t i f i e d - a c t i o n was important - h e l p i n g b e h a v i o r 77 F: A l l I wanted t o do was t o get some h e l p f o r t h i s boy. Whether i t was s e x u a l abuse t h a t was c a u s i n g i t , o r whether i t was a mental problem t h a t he had, or whether i t was the way we brought him up, I d i d n ' t c a r e a t t h a t p o i n t . What I wanted t o do was t o r e c t i f y the s i t u a t i o n o r t o s t a r t some a c t i o n toward r e c t i f y i n g the s i t u a t i o n . I guess t h a t ' s where I was a b l e t o channel my anger toward t h a t way. I t caused a b i t of a r i f t between my w i f e and myself because she was, you know, out f o r b l o o d . And n a t u r a l l y because anyone we t o l d , my f r i e n d s o r her f r i e n d s , the male of the couple would say, "I want t o k i l l him! Where i s he? How c o u l d he do t h i s ! " And my w i f e would r e a c t and say, "Why don't you r e a c t t h a t way? Why don't you want t o k i l l him? He's your son." I s a i d , "You've got t o be r e a l i s t i c . What's done i s done. What's the p o i n t . There's n o t h i n g you can do about i t . F r a n k l y , I c o u l d n ' t be concerned i f t h a t k i d got h e l p . That's a v e r y s e l f i s h a t t i t u d e , but tough! A l l I wanted t o do was t o get t h i s guy some h e l p because he was what was important t o me. In terms o f what you a c t u a l l y d i d a t t h a t time when you f i r s t l e a r n e d about i t , you say you channeled t h a t i n t o g o i ng f o r help. What d i d you do e x a c t l y ? Every way we went, I t h i n k we went t o the Mental H e a l t h i n P o r t Coquitlam and they s a i d , " T h i s i s sexual abuse. We can't - uncomfortable/ confused r e c h i l d ' s b e h a v i o r - h e l p i n g more important than knowledge of o r i g i n o f b e h a v i o r - U n c e r t a i n t y r e cause - s p e c u l a t i o n - Goal - t o r e g a i n "normal"/ balance - Emotion; Anger - energy t o motivate f o r a c t i o n - C o n f l i c t r e d i f f e r e n t approach - Wife's e x p e c t a t i o n s - husband should be l i k e f r i e n d s - G u i l t - Coping b e h a v i o r - d i f f e r e n t p r i o r i t i e s - contempt f o r abuser - Values g e t t i n g h e l p over revenge He l p - s e e k i n g 78 h e l p you. You have t o go see MHR." We went t o the d o c t o r , Gibson, and Dr. Gibson s a i d , " T h i s i s s e x u a l abuse and immediately I know t h i s I have t o r e p o r t t h i s t o MHR. So you have t o do the same. What w i l l happen i s you w i l l go t o MHR. They w i l l do the s t u f f . They w i l l r e p o r t i t t o the p o l i c e . The p o l i c e w i l l do a l l the .." He gave me a b i g l o n g s t o r y about e x a c t l y what would happen. But a l l o f t h i s had t o happen b e f o r e we c o u l d get Robert i n t o c o u n s e l l i n g , b e f o r e we c o u l d g e t Robert some h e l p . And I was r e a l l y upset about t h a t because I thought, l i k e , "Why i s n ' t the o p t i o n o u r s ? " We've got a seven y e a r o l d boy, or a s i x year o l d boy - I r e a l l y don 11 remember the age - and he•s making a statement. F r u s t r a t i o n a t g o a l b e i n g thwarted Negative ex p e r i e n c e w i t h agencies F r u s t r a t i o n r e d e l a y R a t i o n a l e f o r a l t e r n a t i v e s R e a c t i o n t o  r e p o r t i n g - u n c e r t a i n t y Loss o f c o n t r o l of problem-s o l v i n g process Now i t o c c u r r e d t o me t h a t t h e r e was enough evidence t o suggest t h a t c h i l d r e n don't l i e about t h i s s o r t o f t h i n g . But t h e r e was enough doubt, or t h e r e was some doubt t h a t maybe t h e r e was something t h a t was taken the wrong way, t h a t t h e r e was a chance he was s u b s t i t u t i n g somebody e l s e as opposed t o Bennie, the b a b y - s i t t e r . And I thought, "Am I g o i n g t o open myself up t o a l i b e l s u i t or am I going t o r u i n somebody e l s e ' s l i f e because my s i x year o l d son wants t o make an a c c u s a t i o n ? " Now, t h a t ' s why I say t h a t b a s i c a l l y I wasn't t h e r e , I d i d n ' t see i t . I don't have any p r o o f . OBviously you're going t o have a s i x year o l d c h i l d and you're going t o have a s i x t e e n year o l d boy. Who i s more c r e d i b l e ? So why d w e l l on t h i s ? T h i s k i d needs h e l p now. So you wanted t o go f o r c o u n s e l l i n g . Reasons f o r not r e p o r t i n g - not t h e r a p e u t i c - b l o c k i n g h e l p - o n l y a hoop t o jump through P r i o r i t i e s / g o a l s I wanted t o get t h i s guy some h e l p . I r e a l l y d i d n ' t care a t t h a t p o i n t how he got i n t o t h i s s t a t e . I j u s t wanted him t o get some h e l p because he was h u r t i n g r e a l l y bad. Sympathy r e son's p a i n So was t h a t the focus of what you were doing? 79 F: So I was angry t h a t I had t o go t o MHR, t h a t we had t o get the p o l i c e i n v o l v e d , t h a t you were t a l k i n g about a k i d who was the a l t a r boy a t the l o c a l A n g l i c a n Church, who was f o r a l l i n t e n t s and purposes the model a l l - C a n a d i a n boy, who we knew t h e i r f a m i l y , who the s i s t e r s p l a y e d w i t h Robert and t h a t ' s how we got t o know them. I was s e e i n g a l l these r e l a t i o n s h i p s d e s t r o y e d and a l l I wanted t o do was get t h i s k i d some h e l p . And as i t tu r n e d out we planned i t so t h a t we would say t h a t a f t e r Christmas we would n o t i f y MHR, then we would go through the whole stream. That whole ex p e r i e n c e i n my see k i n g was j u s t a f a r c e . And i t ' s something t h a t I am s t i l l angry about. I guess I don't know r e a l l y where the f a u l t l i e s : whether i t ' s a fu n d i n g problem or whether i t ' s an e d u c a t i o n problem. But r i g h t from MHR, t h e s t u f f they t o l d us d i d n ' t happen. They were supposed t o send a p o l i c e o f f i c e r w i t h a n a t o m i c a l l y c o r r e c t d o l l s t o i n t e r v i e w Robert a l o n g w i t h the s o c i a l worker who we saw t h a t n i g h t . Then they were going t o go and s u r p r i s e the boy and make the a c c u s a t i o n o r t e l l him t h i s had been s a i d and t r y t o get some r e a c t i o n t o see i f an y t h i n g happened. F r a n k l y , I t h i n k t h a t a t t h a t p o i n t i n time I had more experie n c e on the s u b j e c t than he d i d . Ancrer r e d e l a y Abuser good r e p u t a t i o n - known t o the f a t h e r - r e l a t i o n s h i p between two f a m i l i e s Loss o f r e l a t i o n s h i p s - unnecessary f o r g o a l o f h e l p i n g son. Pl a n t a k i n g some c o n t r o l of t i m i n g  Anger r e e x p e c t a t i o n s of r e p o r t i n g / c o n t r o l p r o c e s s not met. Looking f o r  e x p l a n a t i o n - u n c e r t a i n t y r e problem w i t h MHR Understanding of pro c e s s o f c o n f r o n t i n g abuser - p o l i c e P e r c e i v e p o l i c e t o be not w e l l -t r a i n e d I : Uniformed o f f i c e r ? F: No. He was a p l a i n - c l o t h e s man. But I'm sure t h a t he was j u s t g i v i n g out a speeding t i c k e t b e f o r e he came t o the door. He d i d n ' t r e a l l y know what he was supposed t o be doing. He d i d n ' t o f f e r t h a t k i n d o f a ...he wasn't t r a i n e d t o handle i t , i n my o p i n i o n . MHR person d i d n ' t show up. He was supposed t o go t h e r e t o the person's house. He would s u r p r i s e the person. Sarcasm r e p e r c e p t i o n of p o l i c e R e a c t i o n t o  p o l i c e Contempt r e a b i l i t y Disappointment re e x p e c t a t i o n s not met 80 F: Anyway, we were s i t t i n g on p i n s and needles w a i t i n g on what was going t o happen. I had to f i n a l l y phone somebody t o f i n d out what the scoop was. The policeman phoned me back. Then he s a i d he got h o l d o f t h i s boy and brought him down and questioned him and i n t h e i r o p i n i o n he was a w e l l - a d j u s t e d c h i l d . Now my w i f e knew h i s mother who had t o l d my w i f e t h a t he was having t r o u b l e i n s c h o o l . The c o u n s e l l o r s i n s c h o o l d i d n ' t want t o d e a l w i t h him because he was a p a t h o l o g i c a l l i a r and t h a t he would l i e so w e l l t h a t they s a i d c o u n s e l l i n g wasn't a problem. And I've got a cop t e l l i n g me t h a t he's a w e l l - a d j u s t e d c h i l d . I thought, "I don't r e a l l y c a r e a t t h i s stage. You can take your phone and s t i c k i t where the sun don't s h i n e . But thanks f o r your e f f o r t s because now I can get my c h i l d some h e l p . " Because I've got through a l l o f t h i s b u l l s h i t . I: So the requirement b e f o r e you c o u l d get him i n t o c o u n s e l l i n g was t h a t . . . F: MHR, the p o l i c e , and then you can go f o r c o u n s e l l i n g . And i t d i d n ' t matter what these two dec i d e d . I t d i d n ' t matter a damn whether they thought your c h i l d was f u l l o f i t o r whether he was innocent. I: I t j u s t had t o be r e p o r t e d and the pro c e s s had t o go through.. F: And I c o u l d n ' t understand t h a t . And i t tu r n e d out t h a t a p p a r e n t l y they went around t o t he house but t h e r e was nobody t h e r e . So then he phoned and s a i d l i k e t h i s a c c u s a t i o n has been made a g a i n s t your son and we need t o t a l k t o him. And the f a t h e r s a i d , "He's p l a y i n g t e n n i s . I ' l l go and get him." A n x i e t y r e w a i t i n g f o r outcome/ u n c e r t a i n t y Taking- c o n t r o l f o r i n f o r m a t i o n re c o n f r o n t i n g abuser P o l i c e p e r c e p t i o n of abuser d i f f e r e n t from w i f e ' s . Abuser - f o o l i n g p r o f e s s i o n a l s i n the p a s t Contempt toward p o l i c e Anger/ F r u s t r a t i o n R e l i e f r e f i n a l l y a b l e t o get son some h e l p . Anger a t the d e l a y Anger t h a t delay happened r e g a r d l e s s of outcome of i n v e s t i g a t i o n P o l i c e process Outcome i n c o n s i s t e n t w i t h i n i t i a l e x p e c t a t i o n s 81 "No problem. B r i n g him down tomorrow." I thought, "Well, so t h a t ' s a ' s u r p r i s e ' . " He s a i d , "No, I ' l l b r i n g him down r i g h t now." So he went r i g h t down w i t h h i s f a t h e r . And then o f course they came over. H i s mother i s a f a i r l y educated woman and has d e a l t w i t h t h i s s u b j e c t b e f o r e i n her e d u c a t i o n . And she s a t t h e r e and s a i d , "I thought c h i l d r e n don't l i e about t h i s t h i n g . " But she was having d i f f i c u l t y r a t i o n a l i z i n g why her son would have done something l i k e t h i s . And her son came over t h a t n i g h t , too. I t was funny because he keyed i n on e x a c t l y what Robert had s a i d . Almost l i k e , "How much has he t o l d you?: But he never s a i d , "Why would he say something l i k e t h a t ? " He never once s a i d , " I thought Robert was my f r i e n d . " Parents of abuser c o n t a c t v i c t i m ' s f a m i l y Abuser's mother's i n c r e d u l i t y . F a t h e r ' s p e r c e p t i o n t h a t abuser's response was c o n s i s t e n t w i t h having done the abuse. Did a n y t h i n g happen w i t h the p r o s e c u t i o n ? Were t h e r e charges l a i d ? No. So a g a i n I s a i d , "Well t h a t ' s f i n e . " No p r o s e c u t i o n . Appears not t o mind Did the d i s c l o s u r e a f f e c t your r e l a t i o n s h i p w i t h Robert? Yeah, t o a l a r g e degree. Because then we s t a r t e d t o l e a r n what these k i d s are going through. And i t ' s r e a l l y d i f f i c u l t t o t r y and understand. You hear about rape v i c t i m s and you t r y and put i t i n your mind and say, "How would t h a t f e e l i f t h a t happened t o me?" But you have no i d e a what k i n d o f emotions t h e y ' r e d e a l i n g w i t h . And i t was o n l y through g e t t i n g i n v o l v e d and t a l k i n g w i t h people l i k e Ray and g e t t i n g i n t o a few of the d e t a i l s , and r e a d i n g as much l i t e r a t u r e as you c o u l d , t h a t you b e g i n t o understand what emotions cause what b e h a v i o r . And i t ' s almost l i k e the b e h a v i o r was the key t o me. G a i n i n g understanding -d i f f i c u l t Unable t o i d e n t i f y w i t h v i c t i m P r o b l e m - s o l v i n g around need t o understand Connecting c h i l d ' s emotions w i t h b e h a v i o r 82 And i f t h e r e was any k i n d of a s e x u a l abuse e d u c a t i o n program, you c o u l d f o r g e t about "no t o u c h i n g and no f e e l i n g " and s a f e g u a r d i n g your c h i l d , because t h a t doesn't work i n my o p i n i o n . You can do t h a t t i l you're b l u e i n the f a c e . And I t h i n k y o u ' l l hear t h a t ' s f a i r l y common. But i f you t h i n k your c h i l d i s s t r e e t p r o o f , and you t e s t him, h e ' l l end up going w i t h somebody, and h e ' l l end up i n a c a r . And he f o r g e t s a l l of those t h i n g s because he's a k i d . The t h i n g t o watch i s the b e h a v i o r . I f your c h i l d a l l of a sudden s t a r t s e x h i b i t i n g w e i r d b e h a v i o r then t h a t ' s what you s h o u l d key i n on. You l e a r n e d more about your son as a r e s u l t of t h i s ? Oh ya! Then we c o u l d t r e a t the b e h a v i o r as opposed t o the i n d i v i d u a l . And you had t o d i f f e r e n t i a t e t h a t , because i t ' s r e a l l y easy when some k i d i s a c t i n g up and b e i n g a r e a l b r a t t o take your anger out on him. But you had t o always k i n d of t h i n k , "Well, w a i t a second." Always t h i n k , "Why i s he d o i n g t h i s . I know why he's doing t h i s . " D i d i t a f f e c t how you p l a y e d w i t h him, your a f f e c t i o n w i t h him? That s o r t of s t u f f ? Not b e i n g a b l e t o p r o t e c t c h i l d P e r c e p t i o n t h a t p r e v e n t i o n i s next t o i m p o s s i b l e A f t e r - t h e - f a c t b e h a v i o r s are impetus f o r a c t i o n . More t o l e r a n t of c h i l d / l e s s angry -b e h a v i o r s have causes That's an i n t e r e s t i n g p o i n t , because...Ya, I t h i n k you d i d . I t h i n k you were a l i t t l e more c a u t i o u s of . . . I mean Robert and I always used t o shower t o g e t h e r . I t was the o n l y way I c o u l d get him t o have a shower. But soon a f t e r t h a t we made the r u l e t h a t he was o l d enough now t o have a shower and so on. We s t a r t e d t o i n t r o d u c e a l o t more of the p r i v a c y and shut the door and t h i s k i n d of t h i n g . I t d e f i n i t e l y heightened our sense t o t h a t area. But I don't t h i n k the a f f e c t i o n p a r t of i t . . . n o I s t i l l . . . y o u d i d k i n d of t h i n k . . . l i k e I used t o smack him on the bottom whenever I c o u l d get a chance o f s e e i n g some...I'd always g i v e him a l i t t l e t a p . And you d i d k i n d of wonder, "Oh, geez..." Change i n f a t h e r ' s p h y s i c a l t o u c h i n g of c h i l d . - not showering t o g e t h e r - i n c r e a s e sense of p r i v a c y i n c h i l d - Rules f o r s a f e t y I n c r e a s e d s e n s i t i v i t y t o s e x u a l l y r e l e v a n t i s s u e s 83 L i k e , second-guess y o u r s e l f ? Ya. You know, I wonder how you'd take t h a t . I wonder how t h a t would a f f e c t him. I t was always a p l a y f u l t h i n g . Ya, i t d i d . Because i t does a f f e c t him. And the t r u s t a s p e c t , t o o . Who do you t r u s t your k i d s with? That a f f e c t e d us a l o t . We t r i e d t o make the r u l e t h a t i f he was g o ing t o s t a y over a t somebody 1s house then they had a r i g h t t o know. We wanted them t o understand Robert and we wanted them t o p r o t e c t Robert. Not t o l e a v e him i n a s i t u a t i o n where t h e r e i s the p o t e n t i a l f o r him t o do t h i s t o somebody e l s e . Because t h e r e i s t h i s . . . y o u have t o r e a l i z e he has c r o s s e d t h i s l i n e i n t o a d u l t s e x u a l i t y and he doesn't know how t o handle i t . So you have t o r e a l i z e t h a t you are p r o t e c t i n g t h e i r c h i l d r e n but you are p r o t e c t i n g him as w e l l . So t h e r e was always t h a t k i n d of wondering. We'd throw out l i t t l e q u e s t i o n s when he came back from someone's house or he'd go t o Cub camp. You c o u l d n ' t prevent him from doing a n y t h i n g but you c o u l d be aware of i t . Has t h i s a f f e c t e d your r e l a t i o n s h i p w i t h your o t h e r son? Yes, t o some degree, because we're making him a l i t t l e b i t more s e n s i t i v e and more aware of these a s p e c t s a t a much e a r l i e r age. He's g o ing t o see the c o u n s e l l o r every week. So he's l e a r n i n g about "good f e e l i n g s " and "bad f e e l i n g s " and " p r i v a t e p a r t s " and a l l these t h i n g s . At f o u r y e a r s o l d Robert never l e a r n e d t h a t . So t o some degree. And the same k i n d of t h i n g s . You j u s t n o t i c e t h a t he's a l i t t l e more aware of the p r i v a c y a s p e c t . I n o t i c e d the o t h e r day t h a t he was s h u t t i n g the door going t o the bathroom. He's f o u r y ears o l d . And he makes a p o i n t of i t . And I s a i d t o C a r o l , U n c e r t a i n t y as t o e f f e c t s of p a t t i n g c h i l d ' s bum U n c e r t a i n t y re who t o t r u s t w i t h c h i l d r e n Rules f o r s a f e t y Fear o f c h i l d becoming abuser Understanding of p o t e n t i a l t o become abuser U n c e r t a i n t y I n c r e a s e d s c r u t i n y of c h i l d ' s p o s s i b l e abuse o f o t h e r s Role - i n s t r u c t o t h e r son r e s e x u a l i s s u e s Goal - t o p r event f u r t h e r abuse How t h i s i s d i f f e r e n t from e x p e r i e n c e w i t h abused son Younger son a l r e a d y a p p l y i n g new l e a r n i n g 84 F: "That's unusual." And she s a i d , "Well, no. He's been l e a r n i n g t h a t w i t h Ray." I t has changed him. I don't t h i n k i t ' s changed our r e a c t i o n toward him. But again, they s l e e p i n the same room, but we tend t o get upset i f we f i n d t h a t they've crawled i n t o the same bed t o g e t h e r . And make t h a t a r u l e t h a t they have t h e i r s eparate beds. And they don't s l e e p t o g e t h e r . I: And what's your concern t h e r e ? F: J u s t t h a t Robert might do something. Because I don't, t h i n k t h a t you can be 100% sure. J u s t f o r h i s own s a f e t y because he doesn't know how t o d e a l w i t h t h i s y e t . He's s t i l l a k i d . There's a p a r t of him t h a t says, "Gee, t h a t was n i c e . That was good." But t h e r e ' s a p a r t o f him t h a t says, "That was bad." And t h e r e ' s a p a r t o f him t h a t says, "Why should i t o n l y be me. Why can't t h i s happen t o somebody e l s e , l i k e my b r o t h e r . " And you have t o be aware o f t h a t . And we t a l k about i t w i t h him. We ask him, "How would you f e e l i f t h i s happened?" Not t h a t he would do i t . But, "How would you f e e l i f t h i s happened t o your b r o t h e r ? And how would you f e e l i f t h i s happened t o somebody e l s e t h a t you know? And I t ' s happened t o you and i t ' s happened t o a l o t o f oth e r people but you're d e a l i n g w i t h i t now." But i t ' s going t o take a l o n g time b e f o r e he i s a d u l t and mature enough t o grasp t h a t . So you've got t o t r y and safeguard i n the meantime and put up the b a r r i e r s . S a f e g u a r d i n g by par e n t s Rules f o r s a f e t y U n c e r t a i n t y r e son becoming an abuser P e r c e p t i o n o f abused son's ex p e r i e n c e - p o s s i b i l i t y of abusing others Safeguarding b e h a v i o r : t a l k about p o s s i b i l i t y of abusing w i t h son U n c e r t a i n t y r e son's a b i l i t y t o understand p o t e n t i a l f o r abuse - reason f o r sa f e g u a r d i n g Has a l l o f t h i s a f f e c t e d your r e l a t i o n s h i p w i t h o t h e r c h i l d r e n i n general? Yes. I t has a c t u a l l y . And i t ' s funny, because I have a f r i e n d o f mine who doesn't know Robert was abused. He's a cub l e a d e r . And he was s a y i n g t h a t when they go out on Beaver camp he makes damn sure t h a t t h e r e ' s another l e a d e r w i t h him a t a l l times because he's f r i g h t e n e d t h a t something P e r c e p t i o n of change r e oth e r c h i l d r e n E xperience of f r i e n d r e s e n s i t i v i t y t o a c c u s a t i o n of 85 w i l l happen or one of the k i d s w i l l say, "You d i d t h i s . " or whatever. He's f e a r i n g t h e o t h e r . Ya. You do get a f f e c t e d . And I can o n l y g i v e you a f o r - i n s t a n c e . There's two l i t t l e g i r l s a c r o s s the s t r e e t . I guess t h e i r ages would be f i v e and t h r e e roughly. And they always p l a y w i t h the boys. Robert and Henry go over t h e r e and B e t t y and L i s a come over t o our p l a c e and so on and so f o r t h . And t h e r e have been o c c a s i o n s where I have been l o o k i n g a f t e r the boys when C a r o l has been out shopping, and Robert and Henry w i l l b r i n g B e t t y and L i s a over. And i t does go through your mind, "My God, here I am w i t h these f o u r c h i l d r e n . Two of these are g i r l s . How would i t be?" And I g e n e r a l l y t r y and push them o u t s i d e o r go o u t s i d e and p l a y w i t h them. abuse I d e n t i f y i n g with f r i e n d Fear r e a c c u s a t i o n s of abuse: example of c h i l d r e n who p l a y w i t h h i s sons Not wanting t o be v u l n e r a b l e t a c c u s a t i o n of abuse Safeguarding re own v u l n e r a b i l i t y t o a c c u s a t i o n You mean, what would people t h i n k about t h a t ? W e l l ya. Or i t s t i l l k i n d of s c a r e s me the amount of a c t i o n t h a t ' s k i c k e d i n t o gear by somebody j u s t making an a c c u s a t i o n . And I t h i n k t h a t i n 9 0% of the cases the a c c u s a t i o n s are v a l i d . But I'm not going t o be n a i v e enough t o b e l i e v e t h a t a t some stage i n the game k i d s a r e n ' t going t o get wise t o t h i s and r e a l i z e t h a t they c o u l d get someone i n t o an awful l o t of t r o u b l e by j u s t s a y i n g t h a t , "He touched me." And t h a t ' s happening. That's s t a r t i n g t o happen, because t h i s s u b j e c t i s g e t t i n g a l o t o f a i r time. I t ' s not t h a t i t ' s happening more o f t e n , i t ' s j u s t t h a t more people are s a y i n g , "That happened t o me and I don't l i k e i t . " And now I t h i n k the k i d s are s a y i n g , "Well, you know I can get t h i s guy behind bars p r e t t y e a s i l y . " Fear r e l o s s of c o n t r o l d u r i n g i n v e s t i g a t i o n Doubt t h a t a l l k i d s make t r u e d i s c l o s u r e s - p o s s i b i l i t y of becoming a v i c t i m of f a l s e a c c u s a t i o n E x p l a n a t i o n of f e a r s P o s s i b l e reason f o r f a l s e d i s c l o s u r e So you're b e i n g p a r t i c u l a r l y c a u t i o u s about t h a t . 86 So I t h i n k you have t o watch t h a t y o u r s e l f and make sure t h a t you're not i n a compromising s i t u a t i o n . That's what I s a i d t o C a r o l . I s a i d , "What would you do i f one o f t h e k i d s from a c r o s s the s t r e e t comes over and says, "Your husband d i d t h i s t o me?" Or a cop comes up on my door and says, "Geez, supposedly your husband molested t h i s l i t t l e g i r l . " What am I supposed t o say, "I d i d n ' t do i t ? " What p r o o f do I have. There's got t o be two s i d e s t o i t . I'm not s a y i n g I don't b e l i e v e Robert. I do b e l i e v e Robert. But I'm s a y i n g t h a t f o r me I don't want t o be i n t h a t s i t u a t i o n where I have t o say, "Well, geez. There was nobody e l s e around but I d i d n ' t do i t . " There i s t h a t k i n d o f f e e l i n g . Safeguard a g a i n s t v u l n e r a b i l i t y t o a c c u s a t i o n s Shared f e a r s w i t h w i f e P o s s i b l e s c e n a r i o s r e f a l s e a c c u s a t i o n Fear o f not b e i n g a b l e t o defend own c r e d i b i l i t y Ya makes sense. Has a l l of t h i s a f f e c t e d your r e l a t i o n s h i p w i t h your wife? Oh ya, d e f i n i t e l y . At a time t h e r e i t was pushing us f u r t h e r and f u r t h e r a p a r t because we were both d e a l i n g w i t h i t a d i f f e r e n t way. She and I are q u i t e d i f f e r e n t . She's v e r y emotional. She's l e s s , p r obably, p r a c t i c a l - b l a c k and white - than I am. And she d e a l s w i t h t h i n g s d i f f e r e n t l y . Which i s f i n e . But I t h i n k she wants me t o d e a l w i t h t h i n g s the way she d e a l s w i t h them, so t h a t I can understand her. I understand the way she f e e l s , but I don't have t o f e e l t he same way i n o r d e r t o understand. And t h a t she has a d i f f i c u l t y g r a s p i n g . And I t h i n k she had a l o t o f problems d e a l i n g w i t h the f a c t t h a t I wasn't angry and I wasn't out f o r bl o o d . I mean sure I d i d . There were times I j u s t wanted t o choke the l i v i n g h e l l out of t h i s l i t t l e k i d , but l i k e I say I looked a t the end r e s u l t . I s a i d , "That's not going t o h e l p us. What we've go t o do i s t r y t o h e l p us." So f o r a w h i l e t h e r e we went a p a r t . I f o r g e t r e a l l y . . . I t h i n k i t was when we s t a r t e d g o i n g t o g e t h e r , when Robert got out of h i s D i s c l o s u r e p r e c i p i t a t i n g d i s t a n c e Reason - w i f e unable t o accept husband's l a c k of p a s s i o n D i f f e r e n t emotional s t y l e : temperament Acknowledging own anger and v i o l e n t thoughts Reason f o r not a c t i n g out v i o l e n t l y : r a t h e r get help f o r son: c o u l d n ' t do both Caused r i f t between them 87 s c h o o l and we s t a r t e d going t o K i n c a i d . K i n c a i d has the program where i t 1 s a f a m i l y - t y p e u n i t and you a l l have t o go i n . I t ' s a p a r t i c i p a t i o n . They work on the f a m i l y a s p e c t of t h i n g s , which I t h i n k i s v e r y important. As w e l l as how you're c o p i n g w i t h your c h i l d . And I t h i n k t h a t h e l p e d her because the c o u n s e l l o r t h e r e was a s k i n g q u e s t i o n s l i k e , "Why does he have t o show i t t h a t way? What's wrong w i t h the way he's showing i t ? " And I t h i n k t h a t h e l p e d . Coming from somebody e l s e i t h e l p e d her t o understand t h a t , "Well, i t ' s okay. He's d e a l i n g w i t h i t . " A c t i o n Repairing- r i f t : l e a r n i n g about each o t h e r through s a f e d i s t a n c e i n c o u n s e l l i n g s e s s i o n . T h e r a p e u t i c  t r i a n g l e w i t h c o u n s e l l o r . And maybe t h a t was good. Maybe t h a t I d i d n ' t go o f f w i t h a shotgun and blow t h i s guy's b r a i n s out . . . What good w i l l t h a t do? And I t h i n k then we s t a r t e d coming back c l o s e r and c l o s e r and s t a r t e d working on how are we g o ing t o cope on t h i s p o i n t t o g e t h e r , how are we going t o be c o n s i s t e n t i n our approach t o Robert. And the r e a l i z a t i o n t h a t when you've had your l i m i t t hen the o t h e r person has t o k i c k i n . You have t o be a b l e t o go t o t h a t person and say, "That's i t . My r a t i o n a l way of d e a l i n g w i t h the c h i l d i s over f o r the day and I'm out. I t ' s your t u r n now." Now l e a r n i n g . Accepting/work-i n g t o g e t h e r on p r o b l e m - s o l v i n g Mutual support w i t h w i f e around p a r e n t i n g . I: K i n d of l i k e a team. Ya. You have t o be a b l e t o . . . and i t ' s tough because you come home from work and you're d r a i n e d . You know, you've fought the t r a f f i c and a l l the r e s t of t h a t , but you go i n t o the house and you look a t somebody who's e q u a l l y as d r a i n e d , but they've had t o d e a l w i t h t h i s s i t u a t i o n the whole day l o n g . So i f you don't k i c k i n a t t h a t p o i n t i t ' s r e a l l y , r e a l l y hard. Working on p a r e n t i n g i n c o n t e x t of d a i l y p r e s s u r e s . 88 So u l t i m a t e l y , would you say i t has caused you t o work more c l o s e l y t o g e t h e r ? Oh, a b s o l u t e l y . And I t h i n k t h a t we've come a l o n g , l o n g way. In some ways i t ' s k i n d o f strengthened us a l o t t i g h t e r t o g e t h e r than we would have been i f t h i s hadn't have happened. Because i t ' s r e a l l y made us l o o k a t our r e l a t i o n s h i p and caused us t o ask o u r s e l v e s a l o t o f q u e s t i o n s t h a t we wouldn't have asked o u r s e l v e s i f t h i s hadn't have happened. As a r e l a t i o n s h i p goes, which i s g r e a t . I t ' s too bad i t had t o come about i n t h i s way. How would you say a l l t h i s has a f f e c t e d your o t h e r son? Wel l I t h i n k t h a t he's doing q u i t e w e l l and pr o b a b l y d e s p i t e o u r s e l v e s he's doing v e r y w e l l . What I mean i s t h a t when b r i n g i n g up Robert we tended t o d i r e c t too much. We tended t o g i v e him the answers and not l e t him s o l v e them h i m s e l f . We tended t o push him f u r t h e r ahead than we should have been. And I t h i n k we've been so focused on Robert and o u r s e l v e s and our f a m i l y and g e t t i n g a l l o f t h a t s t u f f t o g e t h e r t h a t poor o l d Henry i s k i n d o f j u s t coming up alo n g the s i d e here. He's growing up q u i t e normally. He doesn't have any h i g h e x p e c t a t i o n s . He's not showing any s i g n s of genius. L i k e Robert was an e x c e p t i o n a l c h i l d . A t the age o f ni n e months he was walking. Before he was one yea r he was l i k e a two year o l d . He would r e c i t e the names of c a r s . He would come i n and say, "Whose Volvo i s t h a t i n t h e driveway? I know Uncle Bob d r i v e s a green V o l v o . " T h i s was l i k e a t two. He was way ahead. P e r c e p t i o n of p o s i t i v e change i n m a r i t a l r e l a t i o n s h i p . I n c r e a s e d l e a r n i n g i n m a r i t a l r e l a t i o n s h i p . Gains out of l o s s e s . Change i n younger son. s e e i n g d i f f e r e n c e i n how they r a i s e d the two sons, i . e . h i g h e r e x p e c t a t i o n s on ot h e r one. Less a t t e n t i o n on younger son. d e s c r i p t i o n o f o l d e r son as an e x c e p t i o n a l c h i l d . 89 And I t h i n k t h a t we thought t h a t t h i s was High g r e a t . T h i s c h i l d ' s g o ing t o beat e x p e c t a t i o n s on everybody. The male ego k i n d of k i c k s i n , o l d e r son. "My God, an E i n s t e i n . My name's going t o be remembered f o r e v e r . " And you get Regrets r e h i g h c a r r i e d away. And you don't r e a l i z e t h i s e x p e c t a t i o n s on i s j u s t a c h i l d and you've screwed up p a r t o l d e r son. o f h i s growth t h a t i s not going t o be a b l e t o g e t i t back. And I t h i n k t h a t we r e a l l y R e l i e f t h a t haven't i d e n t i f i e d t h a t ' s but by sheer l u c k younger son i s we haven't had the time t o pay t o Henry. doing w e l l . We've p a i d enough, but we haven't overdone i t , t h a t he's grown up q u i t e w e l l . And Younger son he's s t r u g g l e d t o make h i s presence known. ad a p t i n g w e l l . He's come out q u i t e the l i t t l e f i g h t e r . He's a . d i f f e r e n t k i d . S o r t of f i g h t i n g f o r h i s own t u r f and h i s own a t t e n t i o n . Ya, h e ' l l f i g h t f o r h i s own t u r f . He g e t s Younger son's the a t t e n t i o n but i n a d i f f e r e n t way. For sense of humour, a f o u r y e a r o l d he has an i n c r e d i b l e sense o f humour. And he's w i l l i n g t o t r y a n y t h i n g . He's j u s t . . . Adventurous ? Oh ya. Whereas Robert i s the calm, i s the g e n t l e , the way he i s normally. He c o u l d not pass any p e t without p a t t i n g i t and g i v i n g i t a hug. He's a s o f t y . He's j u s t your r e g u l a r s o f t y . And he's f i v e f e e t t a l l f o r an e i g h t year o l d . He's a b i g guy. And then you've got Henry. He's into, the guns, and he's i n t o the s h o o t i n g , and he's g o t a bow and arrow, and he's d o ing k a r a t e jumps a l l over the house. And he's l i t t l e . J u s t two t o t a l l y d i f f e r e n t k i d s . D i f f e r e n c e s between the two sons. O l d e r son: q u i e t e r Younger son: l o u d e r , more a g g r e s s i v e Do you t h i n k a l l of t h i s a f f e c t e d t h e i r r e l a t i o n s h i p w i t h one another? 90 F: I don't t h i n k so. I t h i n k Henry i s s t a r t i n g t o understand i t a l i t t l e b i t more. I s t i l l don't know whether he has grasped the f a c t t h a t t h i s has happened t o Robert. And c e r t a i n l y he was two when i t happened t o Robert. No, I don't t h i n k he's aware o f t h a t . I don't know when he w i l l become aware of i t . U n c e r t a i n t y as t o how r e l a t i o n s h i p between two boys was a f f e c t e d by abuse. I: Has t h i s a f f e c t e d your ide a s about b e i n g a f a t h e r ? U n c e r t a i n t y r e F: In what way? meaning of q u e s t i o n . I: Some f a t h e r have s a i d t h a t they b e l i e v e t h a t they need t o p r o t e c t t h e i r c h i l d t o a g r e a t e r degree and ot h e r f a t h e r s have swung the o t h e r way. They s a i d i t ' s more important t h a t c h i l d r e n be independent w h i l e growing up. so around the abuse i t s e l f , do you f e e l i t ' s a f f e c t e d your r o l e as a f a t h e r or how you see your r o l e as a f a t h e r . F: Ya. I t h i n k t h a t one t h i n g t h a t h i t home was the need t o l i s t e n t o your c h i l d and watch f o r the warning s i g n a l s . And I t h i n k t h a t t h e r e were a l o t o f warning s i g n a l s t h a t he gave us. But sheer ignorance i g n o r e d them. I t wasn't t h a t we i n t e n t i o n a l l y i g n o r e d them, but we j u s t d i d n ' t know what he was t r y i n g t o t e l l us by the way he was behaving, and the way he was s a y i n g t h i n g s , and the way he would l o o k a t v a r i o u s t h i n g s . We weren't educated enough i n t h i s s u b j e c t t o know. And I t h i n k t h a t would be one way i t ' s a f f e c t e d my f e e l i n g . F a t h e r r o l e : l i s t e n t o c h i l d , watch f o r warnings Ignored s i g n a l s U n c e r t a i n t y r e meaning of b e h a v i o r Need f o r e d u c a t i o n r e abuse 91 The o t h e r way would be a p a r t o f me got h u r t when you know t h a t your c h i l d was . . . . you b e l i e v e i n your h e a r t t h a t your c h i l d would t e l l you e v e r y t h i n g . And the moment you f i n d out t h a t they were doing something t h a t . . . I'm sure t h a t when my f a t h e r found out I was smoking, i t must have h u r t him t h a t I d i d n ' t t e l l him. I t ' s t h a t k i n d of an i s s u e . You b e l i e v e t h a t you r a i s e your c h i l d r e n as "buds", "Hey, you're my son and you're going t o t e l l me e v e r y t h i n g you do." And the r e a l i z a t i o n t h a t t h a t i s not g o i n g t o happen . . . i t h u r t s you because you have t h i s i d e a l t h a t you're gong t o be buddy-buddy w i t h him. My a s p i r a t i o n was t o be my son's b e s t f r i e n d o r c l o s e f r i e n d anyway. And i t s t i l l i s . But I t h i n k I'm a l o t c l o s e r t o g e t t i n g t h e r e now than I ever thought I was. I t ' s an i d e a l . And r e a l i z i n g t h a t , "Geez, why wouldn't he t e l l me? Why d i d n ' t he come t o me? Why d i d n ' t he say, 'Geez, Bennie d i d t h i s l a s t n i g h t 1 . Did he t h i n k he would have g o t t e n me upset? We c o u l d have d e a l t w i t h i t then, but he was so s c a r e d t h a t we would have g o t t e n angry a t him, and t h a t we wouldn't understand, and t h a t we wouldn't l i s t e n t o him. He wouldn't t r u s t us. Hurt r e e x p e c t a t i o n s Loss i f i n t i m a c y w i t h c h i l d Analogy re i n t i m a c y w i t h f a t h e r E x p e c t a t i o n re f a t h e r r o l e : "Buds" I d e a l not met. P e r c e p t i o n of r o l e Disappointment r e l o s t i n t i m a c y Son's p e r c e p t i o n of p a r e n t s : anger T r u s t And y e t no matter how hard you t r y I don't b e l i e v e , t h a t you can i n s t i l l . . . I don't t h i n k you can . . I t h i n k you can be the b e s t p a r e n t on Gods' e a r t h . I t h i n k t h a t ' s something t h a t maybe f a t h e r s have a hard time d e a l i n g w i t h . "God, why d i d n ' t he t r u s t me? Why d i d n ' t he t e l l me?" And i t ' s j u s t a f a c t of l i f e . And p r o b a b l y t h e y ' r e not g o ing t o t e l l you the f i r s t time they get a b s o l u t e l y hammered and the f i r s t time they have a c i g a r e t t e , the f i r s t time they t r y dope o r whatever. They're not g oing t o t e l l you. But you should be h o p e f u l l y tuned i n enough t h a t you can p i c k up a l l those t h i n g s . And l i k e I s a i d , i f we had been tuned i n a l i t t l e b i t more we c o u l d have p i c k e d up on t h i s and s a i d , "What's wrong? What are we m i s s i n g ? " That would be my o n l y one. F a t h e r r o l e : i n s t i l l t r u s t i n c h i l d r e parent E x p l a n a t i o n of c h i l d ' s l a c k of t r u s t . F a t h e r r o l e : -tuned i n t o c h i l d 92 I: Can you t e l l me a l i t t l e b i t about a n y t h i n g more t h a t you d i d t o t r y t o h e l p Robert, t h a t you haven't a l r e a d y mentioned? I guess, g e t t i n g the h e l p : w i l l i n g t o p a r t i c i p a t e i n a n y t h i n g t h a t they r e a l l y had o r suggested. Even i f I d i d n ' t agree w i t h i t I was w i l l i n g t o go f o r i t . Because I l o o k upon i t from "What was the u l t i m a t e g o a l ? " What d i d you have t o do t o get t h e r e ? " Even coming t o the f a m i l y c o u n s e l l i n g t h a t we do a t the s c h o o l . I'm f i n d i n g i t not t h a t u s e f u l f o r me. But I'm goi n g because I know i t s a requirement. And I'm t r y i n g t o get as much out of i t as I can. And i t ' s h e l p i n g my w i f e and I know i t ' s h e l p i n g her d e a l w i t h me. And I a p p r e c i a t e t h a t I'm pro b a b l y d i f f i c u l t t o d e a l w i t h , d i f f e r e n t t o d e a l w i t h than she i s . So I'm w i l l i n g t o do a l o t o f t h i n g s t h a t n o r m a l l y I would have s h i e d away from. But I t h i n k t h a t you have t o put a s i d e some of your p e r s o n a l f e e l i n g s and p e r s o n a l p r e f e r e n c e s and person l i k e s and d i s l i k e s , and r e a l i z e what you're t h e r e f o r . And say, " I f I'm going t o get the b e s t out of t h i s o r i f I'm going t o get the maximum then I'm going t o have t o p a r t i c i p a t e . " I t ' s almost l i k e a seminar. You s i t t h e r e and not do a n y t h i n g you're not going t o get d i c k - a l l out of i t . I f you do get i n and p a r t i c i p a t e no matter how f o o l i s h and s t u p i d you f e e l you s t i l l g et more out of i t than j u s t s i t t i n g back. F a t h e r s have a tough time a c c e p t i n g t h a t t h i s c o u l d have happened. I t h i n k mothers d e a l w i t h the k i d s more of the time and I t h i n k they are more s e n s i t i v e t o s e e i n g the changes i n the c h i l d . I t h i n k t h a t sometimes t h a t f a t h e r s tend t o r e a c t from the p o i n t o f view l i k e , "Are you sure? What are you saying? The k i d ' s j u s t a c t i n g out." I t h i n k t h a t t h a t ' s a b i g problem. But I t h i n k t h a t i f you c o u l d have a r e a l major problem i n your marriage. I t h i n k mothers are more a c c e p t i n g . H e l p i n g behavior P a r t i c i p a t i n g i n c o u n s e l l i n g C o u n s e l l i n g not o n l y h e l p i n g son - a l s o h e l p i n g marriage W i l l i n g n e s s t o p a r t i c i p a t e P u t t i n g p r e f e r e n c e s a s i d e t o h e l p son and f a m i l y J u s t i f i c a t i o n f o r p a r t i c i p a t i n g F e e l i n g f o o l i s h and s t u p i d a t times A c c e p t i n g abuse d i s c l o s u r e Mothers more s e n s i t i v e t o c h i l d U n c e r t a i n t y re abuse o c c u r r i n g D i f f e r e n t p e r c e p t i o n s c o u l d cause m a r i t a l c o n f l i c t 93 I: so you've t r i e d t o accept i t from the o u t s e t and seek c o u n s e l l i n g ? F: Ya. You see I never r e a l l y came out and jumped on the band wagon and s a i d , "Yes, t h i s has happened. L e t ' s go out f o r b l o o d . " And I guess C a r o l was upset by t h a t . I even, when I f i r s t met Kay, I made a statement t h a t gave him the impr e s s i o n t h a t I d i d n ' t b e l i e v e Robert. I ' l l t e l l you what i t was, he was s t a r t i n g c o u n s e l l i n g and I s a i d , "I'm a l l i n agreement. T h i s i s g r e a t . T h i s i s super. D i s c l o s u r e and the whole t h i n g . But what I want you t o do i s t o keep i n mind t h a t i f t h e r e i s something t h a t we have done as p a r e n t s r a i s i n g t h i s c h i l d which c o u l d cause s i m i l a r b e h a v i o r o r c o n t r i b u t e t o t h i s b e h a v i o r , then you've got t o l e t us know." H e s i t a t i o n r e a c c e p t i n g abuse C o n f l i c t w i t h w i f e c o u n s e l l o r doubts f a t h e r ' s b e l i e f i n abuse o c c u r r i n g Agreed w i t h c o u n s e l l i n g w i l l i n g t o take r e s p o n s i b i l i t y f o r b e h a v i o r problems And he misunderstood maybe I thought the t h a t i t was j u s t the caused t h i s b e h a v i o r a t a l l . What I was " J u s t don't focus on be h a v i o r , but say t h abuse i s p a r t o f i t , elsewhere and see i f t h a t t o mean t h a t abuse d i d n ' t happen and way we r a i s e d him t h a t And t h a t wasn't i t t r y i n g t o say was t h a t , the abuse and the i s i s the beha v i o r , but l e t ' s l o o k around t h e r e are any o t h e r — C o u n s e l l o r misunderstood c o n t r i b u t i n g f a c t o r s t h a t c o u l d , coupled w i t h t h i s , have caused the b e h a v i o r . " Because I wasn't t r y i n g t o say t h a t I was the b e s t p a r e n t . I know we must have made some mistakes and i f somebody can t e l l me, "You s h o u l d n ' t be doing t h i s and you sho u l d n ' t be dong t h i s . " , then we need t o know. I t h i n k t h a t i f you go l o o k i n g f o r the s o l u t i o n t o the problem and you b e l i e v e t h a t t h i s i s the problem you tend not t o lo o k a t any t h i n g e l s e . I f you t r y t o f i n d out why the c a r won't s t a r t , and you s t r i p the engine down, and you f o r g o t t h a t you d i d n ' t have an i g n i t i o n key, you d i d n ' t l o o k a t some b a s i c s t u f f because i t s t a r t e d y e s t e r d a y . W i l l i n g t o take some r e s p o n s i b i l i t y R e s p o n s i b i l i t y Need t o cover the bases I l l u s t r a t i o n of p o i n t 94 .I: You wanted t o cover a l l the bases. F: Ya. I f you're going through t h i s whole e x e r c i s e , l i k e , l e t ' s go through the whole t h i n g . I: Was t h e r e a n y t h i n g t h a t you d i d i n p a r t i c u l a r t o t r y t o h e l p the r e s t o f the f a m i l y , o t h e r than j u s t Robert? F: I know I'm making much more e f f o r t t o i d e n t i f y t o what I t h i n k my w i f e ' s needs are. I t h i n k t h a t we've come a l o n g way i n knowing what she l i k e s and what she doesn't l i k e and what t h i n g s I can do t o h e l p her. Because t h e r e were some l i t t l e t h i n g s t h a t I c o u l d have been doing t o h e l p her al o n g the way. I'm d e f i n i t e l y making a c o n s c i o u s e f f o r t towards t h a t end. I: Has t h i s a f f e c t e d your r e l a t i o n s h i p w i t h the boy t h a t abused Robert? F: Ya, I would say so. I: Can you t a l k about t h a t a l i t t l e b i t ? F: Ya. I guess. I haven't seen o r spoken t o him s i n c e the n i g h t t h a t he came over and s a i d , "Well no, I d i d n ' t do i t . " A c t u a l l y t h a t ' s not t r u e . We saw him once b e f o r e when we had gone down t o Coquitlam Centre to see Santa Claus a r r i v e on the h e l i c o p t e r . J u s t out of the c o r n e r of my eye I n o t i c e d him and another k i d running down towards us. And I immediately s a i d t o C a r o l , " l ook s t r a i g h t . Bennie's behind us." And we both s o r t o f h e l d the boys so t h a t Robert wouldn't see him. Get a comprehens i v e e x p l a n a t i o n H e l p i n g by s u p p o r t i n g w i f e Increa s e d awareness of w i f e ' s needs E f f o r t s t o change R e l a t i o n s h i p t o abuser - c u t o f f c o n t a c t A v o i d i n g abuser P r o t e c t c h i l d r e n from abuser I: T h i s was b e f o r e the p o l i c e c o n t a c t e d him? F: T h i s was a f t e r . T h i s was j u s t f a i r l y Time - s e e i n g r e c e n t l y . But i t was important f o r us abuser because we knew t h a t Robert was s t i l l C h i l d ' s f e a r of having a r e a l problem w i t h f e a r . abuser 95 Oh, t h a t was another t h i n g about the t r u s t . There was another aspect t h a t Robert d i d n ' t b e l i e v e t h a t we c o u l d p r o t e c t him. And he s t i l l f e a r e d Bennie. And I s a i d , "Robert, do you t h i n k t h a t I would ever, l e t t h i s happen t o you again?" He s a i d , "No, but Bennie s a i d t h a t h e ' l l stab me w i t h a k n i f e and s t a b you w i t h a k n i f e . " And I s a i d , "Do you t h i n k he can do t h a t ? " He s a i d , "Well, I don't know." And I s a i d , "Look a t me and l o o k a t Bennie. Don't you t h i n k t h a t I c o u l d p r o t e c t myself and p r o t e c t you and p r o b a b l y take the k n i f e away from Bennie?" And t h e r e was n o t h i n g you c o u l d do. You can stand on your head and you cn buy a machine gun and i t ' s not going t o con v i n c e him. C h i l d doesn't b e l i e v e f a t h e r c o u l d p r o t e c t F a t h e r t r y i n g t o b u i l d t r u s t with son a g a i n F a t h e r r o l e H e l p l e s s n e s s r e b u i l d i n g t r u s t -v i c t i m ? I: He's s t i l l p r e t t y s c a r e d about t h a t . F: Ya. A b s o l u t e l y . Now we're moving and i t ' s had a r e a l p o s i t i v e e f f e c t on him t o get out o f the house, t o get out of the neighbourhood. A l l of those t h i n g s . One of the t h i n g s he s a i d t o C a r o l was, "Oh, so now Bennie won't go a f t e r me." That was important t o him. Now t h a t h u r t s , too, because you're t r y i n g t o convince your c h i l d t h a t you can p r o t e c t him from a n y t h i n g . And he's s i t t i n g t h e r e going, "You don't know. You can't p r o t e c t me." And t h a t ' s something t h a t you have t o d e a l w i t h . But no, I haven't d e a l t w i t h him a t a l l . I understand t h a t he's supposed t o be going t o c o u n s e l l i n g again, but he's s t i l l h a v i ng problems and so on and so f o r t h . P r o t e c t i n g / b u i l -d i n g t r u s t -moving the f a m i l y - a v o i d i n g abuser Son's f e a r of abuser Hurt r e son not b e l i e v i n g f a t h e r can p r o t e c t No c o n t a c t w i t h abuser Abuser going f o r c o u n s e l l i n g I don't know how I would r e a c t i f I d i d see him. I t h i n k I would j u s t i g n o r e him. I don't t h i n k t h e r e would be any need t o d i s c u s s i t . Now i f I were i n a room alone w i t h him and t h e r e were no witn e s s e s , t h e r e ' s a p a r t o f me t h a t would j u s t want t o beat the l i v i n g s h i t out of him, j u s t f o r the h e l l of i t . But I don't t h i n k i t ' s worth i t . I f I d i d t h a t t h e r e I would be i n t r o u b l e and i t wouldn't h e l p the f a m i l y and i t wouldn't h e l p Robert. R e a c t i o n t o abuser - t r y t o ign o r e P o s s i b l e revenge on abuser R a t i o n a l e a g a i n s t v i o l e n c e - not h e l p f u l 96 I: I s t h e r e a n y t h i n g t h a t you have found p a r t i c u l a r l y h e l p f u l as you've t r i e d t o cope w i t h a l l o f t h i s ? F: I don't know. I: Any p a r t i c u l a r people you've d e a l t w i t h o r agencies? U n c e r t a i n t y W e l l , I guess t h i s p l a c e here, and the s c h o o l . . . K i n c a i d S p e c i a l School was d e f i n i t e l y a bonus. I t h i n k without t h a t Robert would have been i n r e a l s e r i o u s t r o u b l e . I d i d n ' t a t t e n d many of the f a t h e r ' s groups, as Ray would p r o b a b l y t e l l you. I t wasn't r e a l l y . . . because I had f o r g o t t e n the schedule o r he would f o r g e t t o c a l l me u n t i l the l a s t minute. H e l p f u l agencies - c o u n s e l l i n g agency - s p e c i a l s c h o o l Reason f o r m i s s i n g f a t h e r ' s group - wasn't t h a t h e l p f u l Anyway, I d i d get t o a couple. To be honest w i t h you I d i d n ' t get a l o t out of i t . Except t h a t I f e l t t h a t I had helpe d somebody e l s e . I d i d n ' t d e a l w i t h i t i n an emotional way. I d e a l t w i t h i t v e r y p r a c t i c a l l y . I don't recommend t h a t f o r anybody e l s e because i t worked f o r me. I t might not work f o r o t h e r s . But d e f i n i t e l y coming here and t h a t s c h o o l . I would t r y t o see t o i t t h a t t h e r e was a s c h o o l l i k e t h a t i n every s c h o o l d i s t r i c t t o be a b l e t o d e a l w i t h these t h i n g s . Gain out of own experien c e -h e l p i n g o t h e r s P o s i t i v e r e s c h o o l So what about the two p l a c e s was p a r t i c u l a r l y h e l p f u l ? I guess Ray's involvement here and t e a c h i n g us about the emotions and b a s i c a l l y s p e l l i n g out t o us what we had on our hands, and how we had t o d e a l w i t h i t t o h e l p Robert. That's what we were t h e r e f o r . That r e a l l y helped. That r e a l l y put i t i n p e r s p e c t i v e . Because you don't understand u n l e s s somebody says, " T h i s i s what he's f e e l i n g and t h i s i s why he's f e e l i n g i t . " You j u s t don't understand sometimes. L e a r n i n g r e emotions around s e x u a l abuse P e r s p e c t i v e on abuse G a i n i n g understanding 97 I: And K i n c a i d School? I t r e a l l y took him and made him f e e l worthwhile a g a i n . The s c h o o l was a b i t of a problem, too, coupled w i t h what he was going through - the both of them was j u s t t e r r i b l e . School promoting c h i l d ' s s e l f -worth Old s c h o o l a problem I: H i s r e g u l a r elementary s c h o o l . F: Ya. I t h i n k we would have p u l l e d him out of t h e r e anyway because i t was j u s t a d i s a s t e r . But K i n c a i d was j u s t l i k e n i g h t and day. A l l o f a sudden t h i s k i d was . coming home, and i n s t e a d of me knowing the p r i n c i p a l on a f i r s t - n a m e b a s i s as t o why my k i d was a c t i n g up a l l over the p l a c e , t h i s k i d ' s coming s m i l i n g through the door, l o v i n g i t , d y i n g t o go t o s c h o o l . J u s t working v e r y w e l l . They're p u t t i n g a l i t t l e p r e s s u r e on him now t o t r y t o get him t o t r y t o work out some of h i s emotions a t s c h o o l , which i s f i n e . We had a l i t t l e communication problem. I t ' s not t h e k i n d of s c h o o l where you can go and t a l k t o the head master. You t a l k t o f o u r people and t r y t o e x p l a i n the s i t u a t i o n . Behavior change a t t r i b u t e d t o new s c h o o l P o s i t i v e change i n c h i l d D i f f i c u l t y i n communicating w i t h s c h o o l I: And what about on the o t h e r end of the spectrum, what have you found p a r t i c u l a r l y d i f f i c u l t i n coping w i t h t h i s problem? F: I guess the time t h a t i t does take. At the time t h i s t h i n g broke I was i n a d i f f e r e n t jo b , i n a branch environment. I was v e r y f o r t u n a t e t o have a boss who understood. He had the same s o r t of f a m i l y type d i r e c t i o n . You meet some people who are c a r e e r minded and won't understand why you want t o spend time w i t h your f a m i l y . That was our problem because i t i s v e r y demanding. You've got t o be a b l e t o go t o meetings and meet wi t h a bunch of people Time: d i f f i c u l t y i n l e n g t h of time i n h e a l i n g p r o c e s s Boss understanding r e time Time demanding 98 I c o u l d be gone f o r the a f t e r n o o n once every week. So i t i s demanding on your time. And I would suggest t h a t i f t h a t ' s g o ing t o be the case you have t o l e t your boss know, " T h i s i s where I'm going and t h i s i s what I have t o go through. I f I'm g o i n g t o be d i s t r a c t e d a t work and i f I'm g o i n g t o be a dough-head f o r about a week or so, understand. Don't t r y and h i d e i t . so t h a t ' s important. M i s s i n g work. Need t o be honest w i t h employer D i f f i c u l t y i n c o n c e n t r a t i n g on the j o b d u r i n g d i s c l o s u r e p e r i o d I: So the time t h a t i t took t o g e t " e v e r y t h i n g F: . . . i n p l a c e . Going t o see d o c t o r s and g o i n g t o meetings. You can't a v o i d doing t h a t because i t ' s important t o get i n v o l v e d . I t ' s a l e a r n i n g p r o c e s s , you've got t o l e a r n . I: Were t h e r e any p a r t i c u l a r s e r v i c e s of a g e n c i e s or people t h a t were d i f f i c u l t f o r you? F: Oh ya, the MHR people and the p o l i c e . I: I know you t a l k about t h a t b e f o r e . Can you s p e l l t h a t out a l i t t l e more s p e c i f i c a l l y , what was d i f f i c u l t about t h a t ? Time w i t h o t h e r p r o f e s s i o n a l s Time t o l e a r n the meaning and how t o h e l p Human Resources p r o f e s s i o n a l s -a d i f f i c u l t y I t h i n k t h a t the one t h i n g t h a t r e a l l y b o thered me was t h a t what they had t o t e l l me up f r o n t d i d n ' t happen. Loss of c r e d i b i l i t y . They gave me a l i s t o f e x a c t l y p o i n t by p o i n t , second by second what was going t o happen. They weren't even c l o s e . They weren't even i n the b a l l park. That was as f a r as c r e d i b i l i t y goes you c o u l d w h i s t l e D i x i e . I don't have any time f o r them a t a l l . I spoke t o Ray about t h a t n i g h t . That's the second person I'd l i k e t o choke, the MHR person. They are u s e l e s s as wings on a cow. A b s o l u t e l y . E x p e c t a t i o n s not met r e process Loss of c r e d i b i l i t y of agency Contempt f o r MHR Anger towards MHR s o c i a l worker F e l t s o c i a l worker not understanding of f a m i l y ' s needs U n c e r t a i n t y r e cause of problem 99 They have no i d e a what t h e y ' r e d e a l i n g w i t h . They have no p e r c e p t i o n o f what you're g o i n g through. I don't care what t h e i r problem i s , f r a n k l y . I f they have a s t a f f i n g problem or have a fund i n g problem, t h a t ' s my problem. And i t damn w e l l s h o u l d n ' t be. E i t h e r they get out of i t comp l e t e l y and l e t a p r i v a t e i n s t i t u t i o n t a k e i t over or don't do a h a l f - a s s e d j o b . And the p o l i c e system, too, was a b s o l u t e l y . . . I f e l t s o r r y f o r them i n some ways because i t was obvious t h a t t h i s guy hadn't a c l u e what he was t a l k i n g about o r t r y i n g t o do. A l t e r n a t i v e s t o p r e s e n t system Disappointment w i t h p o l i c e p r o c e s s - b e l i e v e them t o be incompetent i n abuse area. I guess the o t h e r t h i n g t h a t j u s t f r o s t e d my buns was a s i t u a t i o n t h a t c o u l d a r i s e i n some cases where they would suggest t h a t i f t h e r e i s a p o t e n t i a l the o t h e r c h i l d c o u l d be abused they w i l l take t h a t o t h e r c h i l d away. MHR apprehending o t h e r son i f a t r i s k from abused c h i l d . Anger I: MHR suggested t h a t t o you? F: Ya, a t one stage. T h i s came up again when Ray was s a y i n g he would have t o do an i n t e r v i e w w i t h Henry and go through c o u n s e l l i n g w i t h Henry. I f Henry d i s c l o s e d t h a t Robert had been abusive i n the l a s t y e a r then he would have t o r e p o r t t h a t t o MHR and MHR c o u l d remove Henry from the house. I j u s t t o l d him, "Let them t r y . " I c o u l d t e l l you r i g h t now t h a t would not happen. No matter what I had t o do t h a t would not happen. And I f l a t l y b e l i e v e t h a t . Because we have gone through t h i s and we have put i n the safeguards and we've put i n the measures and we know t h a t i s n ' t happening. And i f MHR a f t e r t h i s t o t a l l a c k o f c r e d i b i l i t y , i f they can come i n now and t h e y ' r e going t o do t h i s , I would have g o t t e n extremely v i o l e n t . Blood would have been f l y i n g . Because I d i d n ' t have any r e g a r d f o r them anyway. I t was a joke. C o u n s e l l o r ' s response t o r i s k Report of p o s s i b l e abuse F a t h e r ' s response: - anger - would not comply - p r o t e c t i n g son anger toward MHR - v i o l e n c e contemplated Contempt f o r MHR 100 And I t h i n k you've got t o know t h a t and you've got t o r e a l i z e t h a t . I f somebody had s a i d , " T h i s i s a jok e . You've got t o go through the motions. That' the o n l y way you're g o i n g t o get your k i d some h e l p . " You've got t o go through i t . Then and o n l y then can you get some h e l p . At l e a s t you'd have been prepared. I thought t h a t these p eople might a c t u a l l y h e l p us. I guess t h a t ' s what I b e l i e v e . Wished he c o u l d have known the outcome of the pr o c e s s b e f o r e going through i t - h i n d s i g h t F o r some men, the abuse of a c h i l d b r i n g s back a memory of one's own abuse o r the spouse's abuse. Was t h a t ever an i s s u e ? No. I t never r e a l l y e n t e r e d i n t o i t . I never thought of i t . You do k i n d o f t h i n k back. I guess the o n l y t h i n g t h a t i t used t o b r i n g t o my mind was the h o r s e - p l a y t h a t you used t o do w i t h your b r o t h e r o r your c o u s i n . T h i s k i n d o f t h i n g . Or i n rugby when you used t o s l a p a couple o f guys w i t h a wet towel. You t h i n k , "Geez, I wonder i f t h a t means I'm a s e x u a l d e v i a n t ? " You don't know. That's about the o n l y t h i n g . Were you ever suspected as the o f f e n d e r ? No, not t o my knowledge. But I'm sure t h a t those people i n MHR would have t o l d me. At one stage, i t does go through your mind, "My God, what's Robert t e l l i n g them? What i f Robert t e l l s Ray t h a t I pat him on the bum when he goes by. What c o u l d Ray t h i n k of t h a t ? " You're j u s t so n a i v e . You're so uneducated. You don't know. What you have t o r e a l i z e i s t h a t b e f o r e , t h a t was g r e a t , but now as an a d u l t s e x u a l i t y , you don't do t h a t . F a t h e r not abused. P o s s i b l e p a s t events i n t e r p r e t e d as abuse. Fear r e f a l s e a c c u s a t i o n _ 7 a p p r o p r i a t e n e s s of t o u c h i n g I f you had t o go through a l l t h i s a g a i n i s t h e r e a n y t h i n g t h a t you would do d i f f e r e n t l y ? 101 F: Ya, I would pr o b a b l y t a l k t o the people f i r s t , t h a t we suspected, and t e l l them. We were t o l d not t o do t h a t as the element o f s u r p r i s e was l o s t . Now I know t h a t ' s a p i l e o f horse manure. I would go t o the p erson and say, "I'm r e a l l y s o r r y about a l l t h i s s t u f f , but my son i s s a y i n g t h a t your daughter, o r your son has done t h i s t o him. Now, f r a n k l y , h i s b e h a v i o r has d e t e r i o r a t e d t o the p o i n t where he's u n c o n t r o l l a b l e . The o n l y way I can get h e l p i s t o go t o MHR. He w i l l then t e l l them t h a t he has been s e x u a l l y abused by your son. They w i l l get the p o l i c e . The p o l i c e w i l l i n t e r v i e w your son and I can get my son some h e l p . I r e a l i z e t h i s has d e s t r o y e d the r e l a t i o n s h i p between the two of us, however, we are f r i e n d s - t h i s i s my son. You understand." We were t o l d not t o do t h a t , because of the s u r p r i s e . Change i n p r o c e s s : t a l k w i t h f a m i l y of abuser b e f o r e r e p o r t i n g P o s s i b l e s c e n a r i o f o r c o n f r o n t i n g abuser's f a m i l y I n s t r u c t i o n s by a g e n c i e s . And I f e l t k i n d o f ashamed because I have always t r i e d t o m a i n t a i n a c e r t a i n amount of honesty and I f e l t l i k e I went behind somebody's back, somebody we knew v e r y w e l l . And I f e l t ashamed about t h a t . I f e l t l i k e I was b e i n g d i s h o n e s t . I f e l t t h a t i f I c o u l d have gone t o h i s mother and s a i d , " L i s t e n , I'm r e a l l y , r e a l l y s o r r y , but t h i s i s what has happened. Now, I'm not presuming t h a t your son has done t h i s and f r a n k l y , i t doesn't matter a t t h i s s t a g e . What matters t o me i s t h a t my son g e t s h e l p . What should matter t o you i s t h a t i f t h e r e ' s any chance t h a t your son has done, might have done t h i s , then perhaps your son needs h e l p . " Because I r e v e r s e d the r o l e s and I s a i d , "Geez, i f t h i s happened t o me what would I do?" And i f t h e r e was a n y t h i n g I would do I would send Robert t o c o u n s e l l i n g because i f he has been i n a p o t e n t i a l where somebody i s a c c u s i n g him, then t h e r e ' s no smoke without f i r e . Or l e t ' s not take the chance. W e l l , Henry's g o i n g f o r c o u n s e l l i n g . What does t h a t mean? Does t h a t mean Henry's been abused? Why take the chance? Why say, "No, he wasn't." S a t i s f y y o u r s e l f . That's about the o n l y t h i n g I would do d i f f e r e n t l y . Ashamed of going behind abuser's f a m i l y ' s back C o n f l i c t i n g l o y a l t y T r y i n g t o be empathetic w i t h abuser's f a m i l y P o s s i b l e s c e n a r i o 102 I: O.K. What sugg e s t i o n s would you g i v e o t h e r men who f a c e s i m i l a r e x p e riences? F: J u s t . . . keep t a l k i n g , keep the communications going between you and your w i f e because i f you want t o h e l p your son, then a s t r o n g f a m i l y u n i t i s more important than a n y t h i n g i n the world. And I t h i n k i f you d e s t r o y t h a t i t ' s going t o be twice as h a r d t o grasp . . . h e ' s then going t o blame h i m s e l f f o r the d i s r u p t i o n o f the f a m i l y . Although i t c o u l d be k i l l i n g t o you, you've got t o keep t a l k i n g and you've got t o make sure t h a t whatever d i f f e r e n c e s you've had i n the p a s t , and even i f you were on the b r i n k of d i v o r c e , i f you l o v e your son then b i t e the b u l l e t and do e v e r y t h i n g i n your power o r y o u ' l l k i l l him. You might as w e l l j u s t take the gun and blow h i s head o f f . I t h i n k t h a t i f we would have s p l i t up or something, because we c o u l d n ' t get i t t o g e t h e r , i t would k i l l Robert. Knowing what k i n d of k i d he i s , i t would have d e s t r o y e d him. People go through d i f f e r e n t emotions and i f you don't , you won't have to understand, but you j u s t have t o . . . and get somebody e l s e i n v o l v e d . L i k e , don't t r y and work i t out on your own. go t o a s e p a r a t e c o u n s e l l o r . You need t h a t t h i r d p a r t y , because t h e r e wee so many t h i n g s I t o l d my w i f e and she t o l d me, but you don't hear them u n t i l you get somebody s i t t i n g t h e r e and s a y i n g , "Well, you know r e a l l y what he's s a y i n g i s t h i s , and r e a l l y what she's s a y i n g i s t h i s . " "Oh, ya, w e l l now I understand." And you go home and say, "Well, I t o l d you t h a t . " and "Well, ya, but I t o l d you t h a t . " You need t h a t t h i r d p a r t y . I never b e l i e v e d i n marriage c o u n s e l l i n g and a l l t h i s B.S. I thought i t was a l o t o f "hooey". But I b e l i e v e i n i t now. I don't t h i n k t h a t t h e y ' r e super educated beings w i t h golden wands. I t h i n k t h a t t h e y ' r e j u s t a c h a i r . But you need t h a t c h a i r . Suggestions: - need f o r communicating w i t h souse - need t o support one another - h e l p i n g son i s m o t i v a t i o n t o work t h i n g s out Son a t r i s k i f p a r e n t s separate Son a t r i s k Need f o r t h i r d p a r t y - c o u n s e l l o r t o h e l p P o s i t i v e change through t a l k i n g w i t h c o u n s e l l o r Need t o hear each o t h e r i n a new way B e l i e f i n c o u n s e l l i n g p r o c e s s 103 I: We've t a l k e d a l o t about your e x p e r i e n c e s today. Are t h e r e any t h i n g s t h a t we haven't d i s c u s s e d t h a t you would l i k e t o share from your experience? F: I don't know. I t h i n k p r o t e c t i o n . I f you were t a k i n g t o a group of people, we had t o go t o one of t h e s e s e x u a l abuse seminars and t a l k e d about s a f e g u a r d i n g your k i d s , I'd say watch f o r the b e h a v i o r a l t h i n g s , watch f o r the o l d e r c h i l d who p l a y s c o n s t a n t l y w i t h younger c h i l d r e n - whatever sex - watch f o r those. No matter what you t h i n k . I mean t h i s k i d was the a l t a r boy, f o r C h r i s t ' s sake. And so what, i t means n o t h i n g . Those k i n d of warning s i g n s are much more important than k i d d i n g y o u r s e l f because your son has answered 5 q u e s t i o n s t o you about what he would do i f a c a r s t o p s and what he would do i f somebody does t h i s o r t h a t . I would l i k e t o see almost an i n s t i t u t i o n s e t up o f t e s t e r s who would go i n t o the community, f i n d out a few t h i n g s about f a m i l i e s , and then a c t u a l l y t e s t these k i d s . L i k e t o t a l l y out of the b l u e . L i k e , "We're going t o get t h i s k i d t o go w i t h us. Stop, t e l l him, "Get i n t o the c a r . Your dad's been i n a bad a c c i d e n t . Q u i c k l y , come i n the c a r . I ' l l take you t o the h o s p i t a l " . Don't t e l l me t h a t k i d ' s g o ing t o say, "Ho, what's the s e c r e t word?" Give me a break! I t ' s not g o ing t o happen. The k i d s ' g o i n g t o be i n t h a t c a r so f a s t i t w i l l make your head s p i n . What you've got t o r e a l i z e i s t h a t i s a p o t e n t i a l . So you've got t o safeguard around t h a t . F a t h e r r o l e : t o p r o t e c t c h i l d Problem: - d i f f i c u l t y i n f u l l y p r o t e c t i n g c h i l d - watch f o r p o t e n t i a l of abuse Outward appearances can be m i s l e a d i n g C h i l d r e n unable t o p r o t e c t themselves Need f o r b e t t e r t r a i n i n g of c h i l d r e n P o s s i b l e s c e n a r i o E x p e c t a t i o n s of c h i l d r e n ' s a b i l i t y t o p r o t e c t i s unreasonable 104 And r e a l i z e t o watch t h a t i f something has happened how t o determine what's happened and the warning s i g n s . What i s t h i s k i d t e l l i n g you by how he i s behaving. Whose house doesn't he l i k e t o go t o . Those k i n d s of t h i n g s are c r i t i c a l . You don't l i s t e n t o them and . . . I t h i n k t h a t s e x u a l abuse seminars today are, and I've o n l y been t o one which they had through the s c h o o l , I mean they g i v e you a f a i r l y good un d e r s t a n d i n g but they don't r e a l l y d e l v e i n t o the emotional trauma t h a t the c h i l d goes through or b a s i c a l l y has t o l i v e w i t h . And I t h i n k t h a t more has t o be done i n t h a t r e g a r d . And r e a l i z e t h a t i t ' s a p o t e n t i a l a l l around, no matter who. Need t o s a f e g u a r d Need t o be aware of s i g n s t h a t abuse has o c c u r r e d Inadequacy of s e x u a l abuse seminars More need t o educate parents P o t e n t i a l of r i s k a l l around I a l s o suspected my f a t h e r because the k i d s spent a l o t o f time over t h e r e , and we had asked them the same q u e s t i o n s . And you j u s t c a n ' t be sure anymore. I'm convinced now t h a t n o t h i n g happened t h e r e . But when t h i s f i r s t came t o l i g h t i t was, "Well, i s he a c c u s i n g Bennie because he doesn't want t o accuse Grandpa?" And you'd be s t u p i d not t o t h i n k t h a t i s a p o s s i b i l i t y because i t i s a p o s s i b i l i t y . You can't r u l e t h a t out. You c a n ' t r u l e a n y t h i n g out. You know. O r i g i n a l l y suspected f a t h e r of abuse Reason f o r s u s p e c t i n g f a t h e r over abuser. Okay. We're almost done here. I've j u s t got a few q u e s t i o n s , more k i n d o f demographic q u e s t i o n s . F i r s t of a l l , can you j u s t t e l l me a g a i n how l o n g i t has been s i n c e you f i r s t l e a r n e d of the abuse t i l l now? L i k e , how l o n g ago was t h a t ? F: About 2 y e a r s - 2 1/2 y e a r s . Time s i n c e d i s c l o s u r e J u s t i n rough terms, can you g i v e me a sense of your gr o s s f a m i l y income? I've got 3 c a t e g o r i e s here: under 3 0,000 d o l l a r s a y e a r - t h a t ' s f o r both you and your w i f e ; 30,000 t o 50,000 d o l l a r s a year; and over 50,000 d o l l a r s a year. Family Income F: Number 2. I: And the type of work t h a t you and your w i f e do? 105 F: She works a t home w i t h the k i d s . And I am a banker. I: Now the o f f e n d e r h i m s e l f , he's been i d e n t i f i e d ? F: Ya I: Has he ever been charged? F: No I: So he's never been t o c o u r t ? F: No. I: Has he accepted o r denied r e s p o n s i b i l i t y ? F: Denied. I: Denied. And i n treatment t h a t you know o f ? F: The l a s t we heard t h a t he was i n some form o f c o u n s e l l i n g but t h a t would be about b e f o r e Christmas. I: Okay. Thank you v e r y much. F: You're welcome. You're v e r y welcome. Type of work S t a t u s o f o f f e n d e r Not charged Abuser denied r e s p o n s i b i l i t y Abuser i n treatment APPENDIX H OUTLINE OF ANALYSIS I n d i c a t o r s P r o p e r t i e s C a t e g o r i e s i n a b i l i t y t o prevent a) P e r c e p t i o n s 1. I n i t i a l  R e a c t i o n t o  D i s c l o s u r e abuse assumptions r e c h i l d ' s s a f e t y ignorance r e r i s k s t o c h i l d d i s b e l i e f r e occurrence b e l i e f r e l o y a l t y of o f f e n d e r s e a r c h f o r meaning i n p r e - d i s c l o s u r e b e h a v i o r a s s e s s i n g f u r t h e r t h r e a t t o v i c t i m and f a m i l y e x p l o r i n g avenues t o h e l p v i c t i m and f a m i l y shock a t occurrence anger toward o f f e n d e r anger toward s e r v i c e a g encies disappointment/ h e l p l e s s n e s s r e p r e v e n t i n g abuse d i v i d e d l o y a l t i e s between v i c t i m and p e r p e t r a t o r f e a r o f f u t u r e r i s k t o c h i l d r e n s a d n e s s / l o s s r e c h i l d ' s v i c t i m i z a t i o n , dream of h e a l t h y l i f e f o r f a m i l y r e l i e f r e u n d e r s t a n d i n g of c h i l d ' s b e h a v i o r / a n x i e t y b) Thoughts c) Emotions 106 107 I n d i c a t o r s P r o p e r t i e s C a t e g o r i e s 2 . Changes i n • a) Spouse R e l a t i o n s h i p s c o n f l i c t r e d i f f e r e n c e s i n showing emot ions c o n f l i c t r e r e t r i b u t i o n on p e r p e t r a t o r b e l i e f t h a t w ives were angry w i t h them h u r t r e c o n f l i c t w i t h w ives r e l i e f r e work ing t h i s out w o r k i n g as a team t o h e l p f a m i l y a d j u s t i n g t o one a n o t h e r i n showing emot ions i n c r e a s e d i n t i m a c y i n m a r i t a l r e l a t i o n s h i p b) V i c t i m s a d n e s s toward t h e v i c t i m h e i g h t e n e d s e n s i t i v i t y r e i n t e r p r e t a t i o n o f a f f e c t i o n w i t h v i c t i m a t tempts t o be open i n t a l k i n g w i t h v i c t i m r e abuse p r o b l e m - s o l v e r f o r v i c t i m l o s s o f s p o n t a n e i t y w i t h v i c t i m c o n c e r n r e v i c t i m ' s p o t e n t i a l t o o f f e n d d i v i d e d l o y a l t i e s between v i c t i m and p e r p e t r a t o r u n d e r s t a n d i n g a c t i n g out b e h a v i o r o f v i c t i m i n c o n t e x t o f s e x u a l abuse f a t h e r c o m p e l l e d t o l e a r n about s e x u a l abuse d i s a p p o i n t m e n t t h a t v i c t i m d i d not d i s c l o s e i m m e d i a t e l y t o f a t h e r I n d i c a t o r s 108 P r o p e r t i e s C a t e g o r i e s r e t a i n healthy-r e l a t i o n s h i p s w i t h o t h e r c h i l d r e n s e n s i t i v i t y t o s e x u a l i n t e r p r e t a t i o n s of a f f e c t i o n toward c h i l d r e n r e l a t i o n s h i p between v i c t i m and o t h e r c h i l d r e n d e s i r e t o r e t a i n f u n c t i o n a l f a m i l y p r o c e s s e s n u r t u r i n g r o l e w i t h c h i l d r e n s e n s i t i v i t y t o s e x u a l i n t e r p r e t a t i o n s of a f f e c t i o n aware o f r i s k of p o s s i b l e compromising s i t u a t i o n s c h o i c e t o h i d e / d i s c l o s e abuse of c h i l d l o s s o f s p o n t a n e i t y i n r e l a t i o n s h i p s l o s s of r e l a t i o n s h i p w i t h t h e o f f e n d e r d i v i d e d l o y a l t i e s employer: i n f o r m r e needs of f a m i l y around treatment becoming f a m i l i a r w i t h s o c i a l s e r v i c e agencies working w i t h agency o f f i c i a l s f r u s t r a t i o n w i t h agency p e r s o n n e l growing f a m i l i a r i z a t i o n w i t h some agency workers c) Other C h i l d r e n i n Family d) C h i l d r e n i n General e) Extended Family and F r i e n d s f) O f f e n d e r g) S o c i a l Systems 109 I n d i c a t o r s P r o p e r t i e s C a t e g o r i e s 3. S e l f Issues a) G u i l t g u i l t r e f a i l i n g t o p r o t e c t g u i l t r e l a t e d t o p r i o r awareness of s e x u a l abuse i s s u e s and r i s k s h e l p l e s s n e s s r e p r e v e n t i n g abuse shared r e s p o n s i b i l i t y w i t h wives b) l o s s of c o n t r o l V i c t i m i z a t i o n l o s s o f s t a b i l i t y d i s r u p t i o n s r e i n v e s t i g a t i o n and treatment s t r e s s r e v i c t i m ' s b e h a v i o r change s t r e s s on s e l f - p e r c e p t i o n and r e l a t i o n s h i p s reminder o f own abuse as a c h i l d g o a l : h e l p f o r v i c t i m and f a m i l y c o n f l i c t between agency mandates f r u s t r a t i o n r e g e t t i n g h e l p s t a r t e d w i t h p r e -d i s c l o s u r e b e h a v i o r h e l p - s e e k i n g becomes s p e c i f i c t o s e x u a l abuse f o l l o w i n g d i s c l o s u r e a l s o s e e k i n g h e l p r e m a r i t a l c o n f l i c t s teamwork w i t h w i f e c o u n s e l l i n g agencies p r o v i d e t h e r a p y and e d u c a t i o n changing s c h o o l s e x p e c t a t i o n s r e agency produced r e l i e f o r f r u s t r a t i o n 4. The Process of a) F i n d i n g Recovery Resources 110 I n d i c a t o r s P r o p e r t i e s C a t e g o r i e s b) R e s o l v i n g r e s o l u t i o n r e a p p r o p r i a t e G u i l t degree o f g u i l t a c c e p t i n g a degree of h e l p l e s s n e s s because of s e c r e c y o f abuse knowledge r e p e r p e t r a t o r adds t o g u i l t s u c c e s s f u l l y f i n d i n g h e l p f o r f a m i l y r e i n s t a t e m e n t o f f a t h e r as p r o t e c t o r , problem-s o l v e r , n u r t u r e r c) Developing t r u s t i n themselves T r u s t t r u s t i n world e x p e c t a t i o n s r e p e r p e t r a t o r , some agency p e r s o n n e l not met r e g a i n i n g c o n t r o l u n d e r s t a n d i n g consequences of abuse wor l d more p r e d i c t a b l e on-going p r o c e s s 

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