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(Re)searching sculpted A/r/tography : (Re)learning subverted-knowing through aporetic praxis de Cosson, Alex F. 2003

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by  A l e x F. de C o s s o n B.F.A., The University of Victoria, 1975 M.F.A., York University, 1981 M.Ed., Brock University, 1996 A THESIS SUBMITTED IN P A R T I A L F U L F I L L M E N T OF THE REQUIREMENTS FOR T H E D E G R E E OF DOCTOR OF PHILOSOPHY in  THE F A C U L T Y OF G R A D U A T E STUDIES (Department of Curriculum Studies; Art Education) We accept this thesis as conforming to the required standard  THE UNIVERSITY OF BRITISH C O L U M B I A  © Alex F. de Cosson, 2003  UBC  Rare B o o k s and Special Collections - Thesis Authorisation F o r m  In p r e s e n t i n g t h i s t h e s i s i n p a r t i a l f u l f i l m e n t o f t h e r e q u i r e m e n t s f o r an a d v a n c e d d e g r e e a t t h e U n i v e r s i t y o f B r i t i s h C o l u m b i a , I a g r e e t h a t t h e L i b r a r y s h a l l make i t f r e e l y a v a i l a b l e f o r r e f e r e n c e and s t u d y . I f u r t h e r a g r e e t h a t p e r m i s s i o n f o r e x t e n s i v e c o p y i n g o f t h i s t h e s i s f o r s c h o l a r l y p u r p o s e s may be g r a n t e d by t h e head o f my department o r by h i s o r h e r r e p r e s e n t a t i v e s . I t i s understood t h a t copying o r p u b l i c a t i o n of t h i s thesis f o r f i n a n c i a l gain s h a l l not be a l l o w e d w i t h o u t my w r i t t e n p e r m i s s i o n .  Department o f  (CjUJ-~^J~LJ-^CMjJ^Jjyv^  The U n i v e r s i t y o f B r i t i s h V a n c o u v e r , Canada  http://www.library.ubc.ca/spcoll/thesauth.html  Columbia  f^^XA^U>OMo  Abstract (Re)searching Sculpted A/r/tography is an invitation to walk with a sculptor who wished to understand his pedagogical and artistic practice as an artist/researcher/teacher (A/R/T) through an artsbased exploration into praxis. Through a methodology based in journaling and autoethnography, and the introduction of a new overarching methodology a/r/tography, this research shows the results of following the process of artistic praxis-in-action. It was while this dissertation was being written that a/r/tography, as a concept, was being articulated by the six researchers who helped inform this research. How would I illuminate the process of coming to artistic understanding so that readers could empathize with how an artist creates? I demonstrate this question by literally putting myself in the way of the process of writing this dissertation. Since artistic engagement is not easily explained I take the reader for a pedagogical journey utilizing writing as a metonym for building a sculpture. What is my question, and how do I find a question are themes that I explore through the process of researching my own doing. This dissertation records, through writing, my process of living an artistic inquiry. It records six months of the messiness of my thinking and lingers self-reflexively and interrogatively in the research site of my practice as researched and my research site as practiced. During the inquiry, cracks emerge that help the reader understand how this messiness leads to meaning making. The mystery of the disjunctive process is foregrounded, predicated on my belief that it is through disjuncture that learning occurs. There are two examples of extreme disjuncture floating amongst the waters of much messiness. I show that without the surrounding currents these moments would not happen. A need for a whole body/mind/spirit connection for a grounded artistic understanding is also made evident through a reading of this text. Through a process of literal, metaphorical and metonymic cutting I build a sculpture / installation out of text. This text is textu(r)al, a hybrid of text and texture, built from words and fonts. I consistently utilize five fonts which I conceive as similar to various bits of string or wire that I use to build a sculpture. These are visual connecting devices and help compose the texture of the page.  TABLE OF CONTENTS page Abstract  ii  Table of contents  iii  Dedication  vii  Acknowledgments  viii  A C u r a t o r i a l Note  u4  Hecpin.  ( ^R^e)&e.<xic$iin<^  ix  'tlvetv  1  §cu£p'te3  Image  ($/a,/^o^ajj-ixij,  2  One  2  Metxuwfmic moment captured Abstract(ing)  3  An Entrance Way........  4  A Liminal (S)p(l)ace of Swimming  8  A Continual Bridging  10  (Re)searching Collectively (Through) A/R/T  12  XOJl  1  A Need To Make Contact  M^m^S^/iJm A Reality Of Self Dialogue Performances  14 17  /S 19 iii  lAihat I s M y M i s s i o n ?  22  Image Two Spaced, mcunna. out  24  'Walking Rocks'  34  (Re)searching Collectively (Through) A/R/T TOutl  Jsikrurleg  36  #i»ve  40  a/" \nt>*rltctcjc TOaft  4 " $  2  47 Image Three BLi^tlna cut io&ie  teuubi  Art Is Freedom  52  53  AvwodbotaXr Sculpting^.  62  Image Four *7a call  jjOA.  ima<fAMatlue capacity,  Orange Pedagogy  72  75 °Wa&  3  (Re)searching Collectively (Through) A/R/T  83  85  Image Five Maybe 9 bliauld be coUectina. thsvecuHi Another Storied Shifting  Ground  92 93  iv  An Aporia Made Transparent?  96  Hybridity Spreading  97  Autobiographical Notes  98  Why stray into/onto paternal family history  99  Until there is a silence in these worlds that fall  101  ~T0«i4  4  105  tftf/ cy^Oovcb  XOJl  ffllo+vve*vt/  5  106  117 m  QaVCinc^ &IQA42A,  to,  XJhe.  124  Image Six *7<4e beauty, tlie wosdd  125  Branches Radiate From a Dark Center  126  Hermeneutical Self-creation  130  A Point of Extreme Disjuncture: Peril or Hope?  131  A §>Mcdze Ekedi  144  iti Shin:  A Meiam^Amc  An (Illustrated) Example of Disjunctive Learning  148  The Hermeneutic Dialogic  149  Weekly Research  154  Theory Practice / Praxis Under(inter)standing  167  V  To The Roots of Finding Meaning Through Praxis Denman Island  168  Praxis(ed) Time  169  Thoughts On Praxis and A/r/tography  170  To Understand My Own World  173  Autres Territories  185  Unexpected twists and turns. ''6}j/e~'muM w-a/k to (//Acove<p '  Simone Weil: to have attention ($  JSalj.y^iin'tli-  T O ai-Ic  193 195  An Afterglow A/r/tography: A Way of Walking With/in Pedagogy  199  Image Seven fyoti a mamevd tke Uaqe cleate, &  GuKtlaiiai  StiBnate.  211 212  And Finally  223  References  231  Appendix 1  240  Appendix II  242  Appendix III  244  Appendix IV  246  Appendix V  . 253  vi  <m- cw/ticvt  AcJotUHAjledcjAMM^  9 would like. to thank my adoiioA 5bl. Kit Qn&ueA and my committee membeAA ^bl. (lita 9lwin and ^bl. Ganl Jdeaao whoie pAoddina, cajoling, and CyueAtionina pAoduced a mcujical entd'umment to WOAJZ in. ^Ihey emt/iaced my pAoject witU enthuiicvim, din&ctina me to dia deeply into my faibuesited kwowina.  my wi^e jjean jpA. all the iwppont ike hai ihown me thAouxfhout thii r  endeoMOuA. *7a my children, faUitin, Nicolai and ^homai who have helped me unoleAAtand what biue UcrtMina U, all about. And to my p^Aenti, thank you jpsi beina theAe alwcufA.  9 tkanh alio the GI/lS*!'faculty  and all the iM^xpo>it itaj^ who haoe  consistently aone cutt o^ theiA way to help me, to all o^ you 9 am tAuly indebted. "Io 2)*. MoAa MCCGAXLU 9 thank you and the adminiitAation at OQA^b jjOA haoina itanted me on thii  journey.  *7a the doai fjaala and QheAoa who haoe taken me on iome wild r  aAv&riLiAeA. but always IxAouaht me book.  And to ouA aa^den which hoi been theAe alt my li^e, in a conAtantly choAUjina woAld it hoi only anown mo>ie dolid and moanina^ut.  9 thank alio my fellow ateiduate itudenti with whom thii hob been a wonden^ul jouAney. Jlet ui all walk in a p^edaaoay  peace and  happineii. viii  A Curatorial Note Placed [carefully]  just to the left and a little lower than the eye might comfortably read  jttii. LejpAeI at thetometime  upon entering the installation  (as text before you) page upon page of installation further alluded to  To-ea^e/our (pcyyyihle/) feury, wCthyign/pcrsty to-lcxyhoutfor, to-hn&w where/we/owe/, where/ we/ owe/ gowogp To help navigate, for those not sure of what to expect.  In large letters  ART CANNOT BITE, have no fear  6ur eillclegfjearg  P  ate  (he W s r j f  6ne§  Auping, (1992). A public art statement from the artist Jenny Holzer's Truisms (1982) series. This note from Holzer seems an apt entry to an inquiry of personal pedagogy. ix 1  January 19, 2003 I finished a full edit last night, five straight days of back-breaking work, and still there is more, and on it goes  but that is another story, one you may choose to enter as you crack an  unknown spine, this reading, a possible place of disjuncture (my thesis peeks out). The effort here is to help you enter the space / place of this installation, a curatorial hand, offered in light of Mieke Bal's (1999, 2001) notion of "quotation." To give you sign posts, however vague or 2  veiled (Derrida, 2002), that may not be so evident when immersed within, amidst, the text or textu(r)al rendering, page upon page. A text that could be termed 'a working hermeneutic,' in that it strives from the outset to create the necessary structure to enable you (dear reader) — tmj.  coming la (inXeA^UAi^AAZanaiAva.  amiaaX  jvuiceAA,  la ^Mav>, ifw,  cF-rie <5oUvcj. oj? tJaia. ^ l i t u v g ,  mucfx, aa, a &cu&pX<yi, a^lan.  •rWifea.  a  aa,  -&^uvg,  ocui/p/tu/te | u m  Inaui/iA^,  t o OJXMJ.  i  vtjJ&wn,? In this se  hermeneutic is a continuous functioning whole - it belongs to the nature of the installation itself.  Bal (2001) alerts us to the notion of visual arts continual quoting into/from historical (both past and present) context, and although they (visual arts) are traditionally nonverbal and thus quotations may not be authenticated, they are, never the less, embedded in the art. She goes on to tell us that: quotations stand for the utter fragmentation of language itself. ... thus thickening rather than undermining the work of mimesis. This concept of quotation turns the precise quotation of utterances into the borrowing of discursive habits, and as a result, intertextuality merges into interdiscursivity. This interdiscursivity accounts for pluralized meanings-typically, ambiguities-and stipulates that meaning cannot be reduced to the artist's intention, (p. 272) I "quote" Jessica Stockholder (1998) as an installation artist to whom I see this dissertational writing as having a discursive relationship. That in a sense I mimic her mimesis through a form that is disruptive. She rips through walls and floors (the literal 'framework' of the gallery), I rip / tear-cut- into my journaling framework to reveal the studs of myself as intellectual being, through personal narrative, interspersed with intellectual abutments that create an imbedded structure / form. This notion of building from within refers to the concepts, snippets, quirks and quarks of the initial forming of an idea that becomes a sculpture. How does this happen? I asked myself. How does an artist arrive at a finished work? I reasoned that if I stayed amidst this aporia I might open, by ripping and tearing, a way into the he(art) (oh, I couldn't resist!) of my praxis. Although, to be honest, this was one of my changing inter(under)standings of the voyage. This hugging of praxis, my friend, my nemesis, for it was praxis (praso) that became a-new for me. 2  3  x  Ah, I hear you sighing, "this isn't helping, its seems convoluted, why not come right out and say what this is about, then I'll know and I can read the conclusion and that will be that." Sorry to disappoint, but there is no conclusion in any traditional sense of closure and finality. Yes, I (un)cover and (dis)cover things on the journey, however, the emphasis of my endeavor is to draw you into 'a reading' of my meandering journey. •  This dissertation attempts to stay inside the aporia (difficulty) of the process of doing an inquiry of my practice as researched and my research as practiced.  •  This is a messy place of inquiry.  OK, OK, enough beating around the bush. I do wish to help you. I don't want to put you off before you've even begun. I am going to offer the sign posts, as I promised, and tie up a few loose ends in the process. •  I will also venture to say that I do offer a Curatorial End Note to help pull some findings out of the bushes.  February 1, 2003 I used journaling (Janesick, 1999) as a means of collecting my primary data and a scaffold on which to hang multiple, intersected, collected and found writing fragments. I set my rules of engagement and the rest was left to the process of doing. •  For six months, January - June 2002,1 wrote every day.  •  I bought an apple iBook laptop to facilitate this 'directdata' (as I like to call it) collection.  •  I then cut (de Cosson, A., Adu Poku, S., Irwin, R. L., Springgay, S., Stephenson, W., & Wilson, S., 2002), tore, slipped and worked back into this document, using 4  it as a foil to fight against, to weave a-new (Wilson, in press), to have resistance with / through. •  To use the text to create new seams (Springgay, in press).  •  As a sculptor I need resistance to build from / with / into / through.  For the past five years of my doctoral program I have been involved with A/R/T/S, an arts-based research group. We have met on a regular basis and have presented at numerous These six people formed the core of our A/R/T/S (artist/researcher/teacher/scholar) research group over the past five years. There have been different combinations but it has been productively stable.  4  xi  conferences. I interweave ongoing living inquiry (Irwin & de Cosson, in press) of our collective work into the seams of disrupted journaling. •  The aporias are made transparent as we struggle with our unfolding methodology.  I work from a position of a/r/tography, an emerging research methodology that the A/Pv/T/S research group has actively been developing as I have been writing / experiencing this dissertation. It has grown as I write, it is in a sense a living methodology that is growing out of our discussions / reflections / interrogations / and conference presentations. •  A/r/tography allows for divergent, transformative artistic knowing to move through our research as a living practice.  Dr. Rita Irwin coined the term within the midst of our research group. She has written on 5  its methodological implications and states (in press, pp. 29-30): A/r/tography is a living practice of art, research and teaching (A/R/T): a living metissage; a life writing, life creating experience. Through attention to memory, identity, reflection, meditation, story telling, interpretation and representation, artists/researchers/teachers share their living practices ... are searching for new ways to understand their practices as artists, researchers, and teachers. They are a/r/tographers representing their questions, practices, emergent understandings, and creative analytic texts. They are living their work, representing their understandings, and performing their pedagogical positions as they integrate knowing, doing and making through aesthetic experiences that convey meaning rather than facts. Their work is both science and art but it is closer to art and as such, they seek to enhance meaning rather than certainty (see Ellis & Bochner, 2000, p. 751).  February 2, 2003 Another edit completed and also a run through for citation correctness, etc. It never ceases to amaze me that I can take quotes and not have the book, or miss the page number, or some other relevant piece of the puzzle. And so with missing bits hounded down, and even a few librarians tracing books that are mysteriously delivered to the Education Library, I continue on this last stage, this curatorial handle. (This service, it seems to me, that of library books being A/r/tography was first presented at a conference by: Irwin, R., L., & de Cosson, A. (2002, August). A/R/T as performative metissage. Performance / paper presented at InSEA (International Society for Education Through Art) World Congress, New York. 5  xii  delivered, is one of the best kept secrets of the university. My advice, always wish the book you want is on loan, as then it will be recalled and delivered to you [almost] on a silver platter.) Oh, but I digress. You (may well) say, "What does this have to do with the sign posts?" "Just a flavour," I hastily respond, "a soup§on of what to expect." For as Van Manen (1989, 1990, 1991) reminds us, the thoughtful anecdote has the ability to connect to the phenomenological. •  That which is given 'attention' (Weil, 1951, 1956) can teach us to see a-new.  A little autobiography:  I am a sculptor who has taught at the college level for over twenty years. I have shown in many national and international exhibitions. •  My interest in this dissertational writing, although arts-based, was not to make art in a way I already understood (sculpture), but rather, to construct a sculptural installation through words, intertextu(r)aly (a hybrid of text and texture). 6  •  In the process of writing inquiry (Richardson, 2000; Rasberry, 2001) I proposed an opening, a blossoming into an unraveling of my praxis, to make it transparent, if you will.  Easier said than done, indeed! However, be that as it may, I stuck with it. A journey, a walk, a pedagogy of learning. "We must lay in waiting for ourselves. Throughout our lives. Abandoning the pretense that we know" (Pinar & Grumet, 1976, p. viii). This strikes me as the root of all inquiry, that if we know before we commence, why commence at all? As Smits (1997) reminds us, "Gadamer emphasizes the importance of remaining open to experience in our encounters with the world. Hermeneutics is not about the recovery of existing or previously inscribed meanings, but the creation of meaning" (p. 286). •  The praxis of my comfort in non-comfort is studio-based art practice.  1 was, however, making art for and in/with our research group. These processes of performance and video work formed the basis of our collective presentations at many conferences. A list of all the presentations and publications can be found in appendix 1.1 was also involved in my own artistic work, alluded to on p. 193 of this document. This work is an, as yet, unresolved inquiry into how to work from/in/with the land, acknowledging aboriginal claim to both it and to the cedars and rocks I wish to weave and ground myself within. This is an aporia I am just beginning to write myself into. I look forward to an unraveling of under(inter)standing (yes, this adjunct[ed] hybrid word is interchangeable, neither preface holds power over the other).  6  I am well trained in the serendipity of trusting (McNiff 1998a,b) implicitly in the process of art making's ability to lead me. I felt comfortable within the house of qualitative research; qualitative research is studio practice. Everything I experience, struggle with, intuitively act upon is a subjective qualitative equation, one that as I continue within my studio practice I have learned to engage with on equal terms. As is apparent in Rhonda Watrin's (1999) succinct analyses of the similarities between the two modes of working: Qualitative research, like art, describes and interprets details of lived experience. ... The process is an unfolding of a concept, an interpretation of vision that translates into techniques, skills, and modes of expression. ... Creating art, like qualitative research, is a problem-solving process, a combination of thinking and sensing intuitively that leads to insight. In qualitative research and artistic creation the end product is determined by the means, (pp. 94-95) •  An artist knows that a point of disjuncture is a point of learning.  •  It was my thesis to put myself in the way of disjuncture and track amidst aporias using words to 'build' an installation that asks for immersion in that 'reading,' on the part of the viewer/reader, to experience the passion of praxis at work.  •  I proposed to engage with and amidst my process of doing my practice as researched and my research as practiced.  •  It was my intention to witness that agonizing struggle of the early stages of writing, to engage knowing it is a 'free fall' (Haskell, 2000).  •  I proposed to be open to a pedagogy of learning in / through praxis.  February 3, 2003 •  Education is being becoming.  To achieve a balance of push with pull is sometimes the hardest part of all. As Carl Leggo said, "It's out of balance," referring to an early draft of my dissertation. Oh, I had to 7  struggle with that one, what was out of balance with what? An age old question, an artistic conundrum, possibly solvable through extreme disjuncture, forced understandings through flow (Csikszentmihalyi, 1990). That a balance of form was still to be achieved, I knew. I was still working on that. However, I was challenged to define my terms of balance as I wished them to  7  Dr. Carl Leggo at a committee meeting January 9, 2003. xiv  be understood. What is it about balance that we like? And what role do asymmetrical and symmetrical balance play in our overall understandings within aesthetics? How does one enhance texture for instance, or highlight a point of intensity? That some of us are more drawn to one or the other is a given. There is a possibility that the long, circling, incessantly questioning beginning can be viewed as out of balance with the rest. I would argue that it is a necessary asymmetrical contingency that allows for the build up to an eventual reckoning with this very overloading. It is like a long and exquisitely winding driveway to a large house that you know is there but you cannot see for all the trees. This enthralling and sprawling entrance lays the groundwork for the sudden appearance of a facade so wondrous you almost wish it had remained hidden from view, as you realize that you can never come upon it unawares again. "Is this too grand a gesture?" I ask myself. No, sometimes it is like that, so powerful is the change that occurs. This is to tell you that indeed there is a 'change of pace,' a new texturing, that this convoluted, abstracted, continually punctured weight, that is the early reading, is necessary to allow for the weight of change that is to come. That without this large mass, the other does indeed topple. Balance prevails. It is a push/not push, a living contradiction, to my mind an Aoki aporetic (see p. 171 of this document). To know precisely is impossible. To know how, or why, or when, is unknowable. As Weil (1951) would word it: "She fell into the hands of God" (p. 163). •  This dissertation tries to open up the process by which we come to these insights.  •  My question: If I set up a process and allow it to run, will I discover a-new?  •  By staying inside and allowing the messy to out, I try to allow others to enter.  I find new meanings writing through the data (Richardson, 2000), by cutting, and forcing new hybrids to form. •  It is through the working eclectic of a/r/tography (Irwin, in press) that this dissertation finds form.  A form that is built as a sculptor would build. Using words as building blocks, words found in different sizes, textures and configurations. It is in through a forming of these disparities into chunks of language that meaning may be formed. xv  I wish you luck on your reading, weaving a feathered journey, a pedagogy of walking softly. •  The entire work is a cutting, threading, weaving of multiple writings into a single whole, an installation.  I provide sign posts of a walking metaphor to our pedagogical awakenings. I position 'walks' and metonymic images as markers of progress. It is suffice to warn you that you need to have 'read' at least five walks, broken and punctured as they may be, before you will encounter significant change. Indeed, five metonymic images passed as signs leading to change, as building blocks solidly grounded, integral to the whole, that yes, change is on the horizon. •  I predict a way out, or is it in?  A query I encounter on my final walk into a labyrinth that helped me feel the comfort of staying inside knowing / finding there is always more (as we all know) but sometimes are reluctant to embrace as it does mean work! Yes, work on all our parts. I as writer, deliverer of contextualized metonyms and metaphors. You as reader, decoder of meaning, always vigilant to our shared understanding "that meaning cannot be reduced to the artist's intention" (Bal, p. 272). •  You are free to arrive at your own intertextu(r)al awakenings.  I leave the final walk to you, the interpretive walk out (or is it in?) the forest. To understand through doing, that can only come after the walk has been made. A long meandering stroll, to be sure, but one I would suggest well worth the effort. As James Elkins (1997/2000) says, "Meandering is gentle, steady, unpredictable change  And meandering is furtively  autobiographical" (pp. 176-177). Bring a friend and a dog, if you have one. I have always found a dog transforms a mere walk to an enterprise of continual forced attention to the most interesting nooks and crannies. And a friend we need to bounce our ideas off, in mutual trust. "Sight and insight go hand in hand, and both friendship and pedagogy are based on a suspension of certainties" ( Bal, 2001, p. 277).  xvi  A note on the images Metonymic Moments that accompany this text: I believe the most crucial piece of information is to say that there is a deliberate placement and order to these images, a progression, to which I wish to draw your attention. By doing so I heighten their ability to act on both the text and you, dear viewer / reader. I would also say they are similar to the rest spaces in sheet music, points of deliberate change in tempo, visual contemplations. As Weil (1956) said, "Placing of silences in music; they have got to be at the center of something. ... To arouse a state of expectation. To wait for a sound which shall fill to overflowing-and let this sound be a silence" (p. 64). It is also important, however, to note the following: On entering an exhibition some viewers like to read the accompanying catalogue essay as they commence with their viewing, others like to view and then to read, others may not wish to 8  read any notations, preferring instead, to come to their own conclusions. All are valid ways of entering into a dialogue with art. To facilitate these various and different approaches, I offer you a choice, you can flip to A Curatorial Endnote, p. 212, now or at any point through your reading, or simply arrive there close to an end point of your journey. A sign post of your progress through the messiness of my mission to follow the process and action of my practice as research and my research as practiced. Further notes on the images: Metonymic Moments were produced with an old, inexpensive, 'point and shoot' SX70 Polaroid camera. I have worked with this camera for many years. I am drawn to the rich colour of the SX70 format and I enjoy the ability to manipulate the picture through the lens of the camera. These images are not computer generated but 'natural,' in the sense that they are produced on site, in nature. The camera allows me, with very crude shutter manipulation (three settings), to capture, with hand and body movement, the composition I want. This is a practiced art, learned through much experimentation; praxis informs my actions.  I fall into this later category, going back to see the work again, and again, a sort of hermeneutic of checks and balances against my perceived interpretations and someone else's, an intellectual game which I greatly enjoy. I can spend a whole day in a large contemporary gallery and often do, taking the time to formulate my ideas and then 'testing' them against some written text. I find this a fascinating exercise in comparative thinking. xvii 8  i l e-ru  a  a  (-l n, & t  ad-  a  yauAAveA^  4&<X  t n a  a H a t i  a  w,)  jt-e-^-aao-alcai  { a / 1 / t a a i a ^ l i c a i )  SX70 Photographs accompany this text  One metonymic moment captured a frozen state, only to move once again beyond the frame of concrete understanding  1  These photos run as an imagistic (poetic) reference to the text. They are stand-alone pieces that trace a known/unknown place of being, offering starting/ending points, however in reality, offering neither. There is no beginning or end, simply a commencement with that which is and at another point a ceasing. It is an illusion of modernism to think, we as beings, are in control, instead of being partof a universal unfolding, which we join for a short performative time. 1  2  Abstract(ing)  "...the dilemma (is) how to share ... without directly telling" (Towers, 1998).  If one tenet of postmodernism modernism  was expired,  was to realize that the hope pinned  that there was no 'one' way to interpret,  analyze,  but rather to be open to the multi-layered  inherent  in a constantly  changing  to say yes to possibilities  engaged-with  'attention/  (Weil, 1951a,b)  This dissertation wager,"  allowing  to become  illustrates  a pedagogy  that accepts  can a curriculum becoming,  presentation,  the sculpture  as well as the over-all  of involvement,  interest,  with  my  "hermeneutic  that there is no one answer,  act solidifies,  of  but  so a new one opens. search  for perfection,  to create a complex  As such I am interested  so  'whole-  in the visual  of text on a page - the over-all  interpretive  challenged  - non linear, visual representation  of art be built on liminal spaces 2  and be  is  teacher.  fills liminal space in its continual  ' an installation .  that are  there is hope found in an  my pedagogical  knows that as each creative As a mobile  reading  the process our  if you will, in a non hierarchical  language/text: equally  'ism' it becomes,  wor(l)d,  see,  then the post-post(non)modern  of a multi-dimensional  by what lies ahead. Whatever enactive  wor(l)d,  meanings  to  visual  language  text/language.  An Installation according to the Oxford Dictionary of Art, (1988) is: "an assemblage or environment... specifically for a particular exhibition" (as cited in Reiss, 2001, p. xii).  2  3  An Entrance  Way  Through the multi-leveled and 'open' text, Eco (1989) suggests that there is neither a beginning or end, "no privileged points of view, and all available perspectives are equally valid and rich in potential" (p. 18). A liminal space provides a framework for others to grasp at this complex 'whole-becoming,' this installation. That the text presented may be read in many different ways (it may indeed mean more less - other) to those who read it, is the 'wager.' Wor(l)ds demand to be read and (thus must be) organized in a manner in which they can be engaged with, and it is in 'engaging with,' that further 'thinking' is evoked to suggest meanings implied in the signs of the wor(l)ds. I do not want to direct, I only wish to 'shepherd' (Towers, 1998). This writing has its roots in philosophical hermeneutics (Gadamer, 1965/1986), in which text is continually (re)worked and (re)interpreted at every reading. I utilize autoethnography (Ellis & Bochner, 2000) as a mucilage to pull threads together through a narrative of journal writing (Janesick, 1999) and writing as research (Richardson, 2000; Rasberry, 2001), concurring with Hatch and Wisniewski, (1995) and Stewart, (1997, 2002) who view narrative as a powerful medium that creates meaning. These are all subsumed into a newly defined methodology of a/r/tography (Irwin, R. L., & de Cosson, in press). I am not interested in anarchy, however, subversion has always attracted me.  To be subversive suggests that you accept the governing body, the 'facade' if you will (what is set up as the 'front' or 'facade'), at the same time, however, looking for ways to undermine this facade without toppling the entire edifice, as it can still be of use as the 'new' is built. As the artist Mark Pauline (1989) said, "You do indeed have to bite the hand that feeds you" (video dialogue). 'Perhaps art... can hefp us, a CittCe bit, to continue to five. CoCCapse and disintegration produce new creative-powerwhich creates some-thing new. Hecycfing. 'Artists interpret the new contexts at the same time as they reheCagainst them. (Chamhert, 1995, p. 16)  Installation: Many contemporary artists are no longer interested in static stand-alone structures as sculpture, but rather, are interested in a totality of space(s), an over-all interpretation. That is what artist Jessica Stockholder asks us to consider when she goes through the walls of the gallery, out the windows, down the halls and into the ceilings. Her question, "Where does the art stop and the rest begin?" Well, I too am asking that you (dear reader) see this writing as not just sculpture (this concept is more fully developed as we continue our stroll) but as installation. That it must be considered in its totality - this is not to say that smaller 'chunks' cannot be inspected in their own right, but they must always be brought back (out) to the whole for a full view. 3  "What begins to take shape is a non-linear, open-ended, testimonial, paradigm-shifting practice" (Frenkel, 2001, p. 36). 4  "What yeemy rather obvious now, ... way Tiiyner'y e^laA^atLcrvv of how uruierytavid^yig^ by vviedtated/ by form/. What we/ know and/ how we/ know are/in^itricxxbly rebated/' (3utter-Xijyber, 2002, p. 232).  5  Oh I like this, I read it the other day and scrawled enthusiastically under the highlighted text, "This is my dissertation!"  4  It is a matter of swimming with the tide or maybe finding its rhythms and forms.  As I swam this afternoon I was seeing myself cutting through the water and I felt tpa, this can be done. It is a matter of finding the threads and sewing this together. That is what I see. This is a sculpture and the printing of 145 pages gives me a beginning. It was like, "oh look, I did do something" - a text from January through July 2002. The printing of it made it real, made me excited to see. "See," I say to myself, "there IS something." Much not of use but as I move through it - read (re) read - re fathom the text, I say 5  "YES, THERE IS A WAY FORWARD"  I START TO HIGHLIGHT THE BITS THAT RESONATE AND PULL THEM TO THE FOREGROUND. As I swam I was seeing a cutting through - a cutting of the text into useful and not useful. I am highlighting as I go through - finding the pieces that self resonate (after all that is what I set out to do); to follow the process. It has now come time to place it for others to see/read. This dissertation writing, as game, as fun, as play, as something that can grow and be manipulated through more than one set of "I's - (eyes)," allowing a finished sculpture - a finished text to grow through, a walking with/in the text by eyes gleaning, allowing a creative form to materialize (possibly) - a generative possibility, let us all agree. I pull out my hard copy of 'The Hermeneutic Dialogic,' (de Cosson, 2002, CD-ROM insert) with its highlighted section referring back on itself, and I am reminded that Pinar (in press, p. 14) points out that it is "In this phenomenological space de Cosson explores, creates, recoils. He tells us disarmingly, that... (my own words, once again, for me to question):  I am (researching)  the process of my own doing" C3f$f(/way/t* *J^mty/d/b#pet my yueM, myyowMuy, my u'a/fiwty/xx/ayeyy.^) 5  ('Another Self Portrait' written in small gray stones on a corroded concrete slab,  observed while walking May 31, 2000) 6  "Of course the author of a self narrative is writing a story that is not yet finished" (Barone, 2000, p. 124). that lush fur of gray/blue dust  1  As questions become more and more specialized and emphasis is increasingly placed on the histories of material things, what, if any, will be the role of poetry and the energies of subversive understanding? (Jipson & Paley, 1997, p. 120) Walking the campus has proved to be my introduction to the mapping of the ecology of the area. I walk to see what is going on, to put together an over-all understanding of the 'new' that is the ever changing campus. This 'walking', is similar to what this writing is, a way of mapping the (un)known into a conceptual whole, that always has areas as yet undefined, as I am not able to walk every where at once. It is a continual process of piecing together the fragments and flashes of insight and comprehension. The map is in a constant state of being (re)drawn. This is a postmodern understanding, one that does not hold with certainties, that knows shifts are continual. See Appendix II for an outline of ARTE 565B - Artist as Teacher / Teacher as Artist, a graduate course I taught in the summer of 2001 at UBC, in which we engaged in a 'walking pedagogy' for teaching and learning. This concept of 'the walk' as a pedagogical place to unravel and reflect on personal understandings forms one of the multiple spines of this writing. The British artist Hamish Fulton (1999) whose foundational philosophy to his work, Wo Walk, no work ,' reminds me, when writing his syllabus for an advanced course in visual arts, Is it Today, Yesterday or Tomorrow?, (at the Fondazione Antonio Ratti, Como, Italy) that "we have focused our research on the idea that the only anthropological and physically complete way to adhere to reality, what Merleau-Ponty called 'the flesh of the world,' is walking" (p. 115). Is a repeated line that will be explored further. (See p. 75 of this document, Orange Pedagogy.) It acts as metonymic sounding board to the textu(r)al exploration as we walk our pages. 6  7  6  Yesterday as I walked the dog I remembered the bridge that topped our wedding cake. We talked a lot about bridging. (The bridge; a green aquarium type fish swim around and around lazily blowing bubbles.) Our bridge never sat in an aquarium, instead it sat on a shelf in the living room of our then house. One day it fell, I don't remember the circumstances of the fall, only the fact that the bridge broke in two with a number of shards?  (the bridge broke in two - discarded shattered shards.) I don't like the "with a number of shards" it is a too 'mouthy,' number into shards seems awkward, maybe it's that shards already implies number, so it should be "with shards" but that seems wrong too, maybe shards is simply an awkward word, but still I cling to it, play with it, try it turned, tuned, into new configurations: "the bridge broke into shards'"? I look up shard on the desk top computer "debris from threshing." I'm sure there is a more extensive meaning that goes with shards of china or pottery, as in anthropological findings, but if I take the desk top computer meaning no wonder the word doesn't fit, its synonyms are all 'softish:' waste, shell, crust, pods, husks, chaff, refuse. (I am in my daughter's apartment and I don't know where her dictionary is, I could check out the library later). Then in a bolt (in fact twenty or so minutes later after getting a phone call, brushing my teeth, having a piece of toast, I come back and HOW 8  ABOUT "shattered shards" with discarded as in the bridge broke in two - discarded shattered  shards. Yes I feel that could be the line, the implications are implicit in those two words proceeding shards, there is a pathos, loss, injury, hurt, even though an inanimate object, the bridge metonymically connects to my inner self. There is truth resonating in those words that I wish to acknowledge. I (re)write the line in non italic text below the existing line to help you (dear reader) have a window into my process of writing. I am not going to track every word change as that would engage us in an exercise other than my intent, however, it does talk to the never ending poetic search for wording our lives in ways in which we feel the comfort of knowing 'that's it, that's what I am endeavoring to say.' Always mindful of Ronald Pelias' (1999) reminder that: ... (1) analysis is always filtered through a perceiving agent; and (2) analysis can never exhaust its subject. ... 'the crisis in representation' ... emerges from the increasing skepticism in the modernist belief that we could get it right, that we could nail down, once and for all, the truth. But as Trinh Minh-ha explains, 'One cannot seize without smothering, for the will to freeze (capture) brings about a frozen (emptied) object.' 'Seizing' and 'freezing' are gestures that seek to control and master but ultimately misrepresent and oppress. This follows from the recognition that to represent is to speak as a located self, one who is situated historically and culturally and who is invested in certain discursive and ideological practices that obscure by privileging the present and silencing the absent (p. x).  Pelias goes on to support and call for poetic renderings in research writing precisely because of this postmodern dilemma. The poetic allows for a more 'open' (Eco, 1989) reading of the text and "can establish a metonymic connection to the performance event by privileging the experimental and the artistic" (p. ix). 7  I fixed the bridge, gluing it back together, it once again sat, however, no longer the shinny new model, more a worn and lived version of the same thing.  a marriage, a partnering, a life  how to get to an other?  find our way? A Liminal (s)p(l)ace of Swimming • 10 9  Once again it is the swimming that helps (me) mediate this text. Today I swam the pool with its blue yellow glow that my goggles accentuate. I was seeing the rough water of all the other swimmers as the turbulence that I have been feeling while I endeavor to discover the form that this mass of text must slither into. For indeed it is this that is the overarching concern, not the immediate, not the everyday, but the unifier of all the days. The thread that allows tentacles to glide throughout the text, to open to the sculptural pedagogy, to open to flow. F(r)o(r)m page to page  I also saw turbulence as similar to Haskell's (2000) notion of 'summitless mountains' (p. xxxii) in which she suggests, from my perspective, a similarity to Gadamer's (1965/1986) horizon metaphor, for she helps us understand how when climbing or "trying to summit a mountain" we often reach a crest that we thought was the summit but is not, and that indeed the summit may be many hours, indeed a journey, still ahead. As I swam through these turbulent  (S)p(l)ace a hybrid world implying both an object and an area at once. It is a metonymic word, in that it cancels itself out, the space will always escape the place, one implies the other, one cannot exist without the other, it is the negative to the positive. A place is contained, but it must have space to exist. Space exists by the boundaries which contain it. Can space have a boundary and still be space? A (s)p(l)ace is neither a space nor a place; it exists in-between the two, Homi Bhabha's (1990a) 'third space', Trinh Minh-ha's (1992) 'third level of meaning' or 'hybrid space'. See p. 66, note 9, of this document for further development of this theme.  9  10  8  waters today I could see into calm depths below and I once again was awed by the water's ability to hold me in its peaceful buoyancy. Swimmers left as I swam and the calm of the depths began to take hold on the surface and I thought, "Yes, I can come through the turbulence and find the peace of the calm. The calm that comes with(in) the 'freefall' that is the grounding metaphor of Haskell's (2000) work. She goes on to suggest, "Instead of trying to grasp and ground through asking what does this tell me, ... I ask you to trust the unknown, the moments of freefall. Step out into unfamiliar territory where our goal is to summit some far off mountain" (p. xxxi).  WjQyr-e waA no- f/i//Ji/ii//i^  fl  waAjuM fA/6.  She had eyes and she was blind ... It moved on so fast she could see herself see. She saw sight coming What was not is  12  (Cixous, 2001, pp. 3- 8).  In 'Nobody Nowhere,' an autobiography of living with(in) autism, Dona Williams (1993) writes this marvelous statement, "What kind of 'mad' I am." This change of syntax intrigues me, thus I am trying something new (for me). I am downloading a file from a program that I 13  listened to today. I want to find what she said about art and the way she could come to understanding through art. I will pursue this. I know I want to find this reference as it strikes me as wonderful.  14  "Just before swimming I started to read and there I was with highlighter marking text and I knew this is what I must do. I must now read this tomb of writing and allow the ywo&z&A out (research journal, October 10, 2002). The she is I, it is I who am blind, but as in Cixous' story of the myopic woman (turning as we read, to be herself) who lives to have the tissue, the veil of blindness removed, so will the tissues lift - (IS lifting, as I write) 11  12  (SCARF is the acronym for the Education building at UBC)  Sunday, January 27, 2002 - A celebration of Peter Gzowski, on Tapestry, CBC Radio Canada. 1 tried to download the Tapestry program from my home computer utilizing a dial-up connection, not realizing the futility, it appears to have jammed at 743KB of 5.9MB with a note saying 'Waiting for Data' (these numbers meant little to me at this time). But now at 7 minutes it 13  14  9  In subsequent research into Williams' (1996) writing I find other delightful twists that have metonymic and metaphoric quality in their lightness and response to art and its function in her life. For her, art "can be used in a 'Simply Be' way," and she goes on, "Brushes need not be used in art and one can merely be encouraged to touch colour and join with it through covering oneself (p. 84, my italics). She also equates this with the art of writing when she says, "I discovered ... all this unknown knowing ... through the automatic and sort of preconscious expression I found through art, music and writing" (p. 137, my italics).  3  n\<x\Le,  a, n,e,vi, mlti&lan,,  S  aan, t  Qan, (Ban.  it  li.e£p  nve,  S  UAWOAIAH  am  JLacwC,  eocpfotc  dam,eXn\ln,a,  cai?£e<i  -to  •wJLx't  it  la,  (y^t).  S  v),<xnX ta  lA^au^A  a/blwtA  tJbe, tmJcncM\ln ? taa,e,t$ie,t  aa  H^Ln-a  In,  (Ban.  e,ia,e,  QIAAX  S  tA^auc^A.  €^cja£ot,e  In, a, g^toap.? adi  c2a&,e,i to,  it  Jjtj.  ii^in-a  can.'O^i&.a.tlQ.n, ?  A Continual Bridging  A new door has opened - it grows as I read, the threads are connecting to new thoughts as I find the texts that support this newness. Not new for those who are in that space of reading, but  has an 'error' message. I subsequently switched to a high speed connection so as to facilitate this form of immediate Internet research. There is an ongoing struggle with technology throughout this dissertation, as its changes happen so fast and I run to keep up. I was simultaneously working at bringing high speed connections to graduate offices. We subsequently got the connections, but in the midst of its acquisition the process was exquisitely frustrating. I leave in notes to this affect through out this text not because it was overly arduous or even that I didn't enjoy it in retrospect, it is simply that in the midst of process one cannot always see the use of it. A tenet of this dissertation is exactly this need to stay in process, it was my concern to document it and in a sense put process to the test, could it live up to the trusting that I believed it could? This attention to process can lead us to new understandings, that it is through the process of doing our praxis that we learn. In this case I now understand the significance of 743KB of 5.9MB, but I still struggle with the ongoing avalanche of computer advancements. 10  for me, it is once again the experience of a vastness of sea, opening before me and I feel so small in its sight. However, I take heart in Maxine Greene's (1995) words,"... to learn and to teach, one must have an awareness of leaving something behind while reaching toward something new" (p. 20). This is an exciting thought, that imagination can be nudged into places I do not know anything about. Instinctively I already know them, have comfort with them, these new thoughts that strike so quickly. However, it is the putting into words that is new, where the imagination will soar and take new ground as the story (thus far) extends itself outward to embrace that which is new, a continuing disjuncture (Jarvis, 1992). A raven cuts directly through my vision heading arrow-like down the garden  15  I see my garden. When I (re)read this text it is conjured in all its lushness and fecundity of nature's growth. My parents have 'built' this garden, my father especially in his concrete stone work which is a chronology of dates, etched into the liquid form, now aged and formalised into the garden's structure. Did he have the whole 'plan' when he started to arrange the rocks? 15  When we had a garden apartment added five years ago, so that my wife and I could be close to them for their aging years, I had the 'S' curve stone wall moved and repositioned so that it could be incorporated into the new structure. My father thought I was nuts to spend so much time on a "bunch of cement and stones." ^7c rwe- i^ve/ce^ axzd/ a> s^^n^uxt^ce'  fn&^vcvtts tc $-&^ce&e/t  I am sitting at my desk high up on the third floor of our sloping lot. This 'office' was my youngest son's bedroom until two years ago when his size dictated he should move to the larger spare room/office. It had been my father's office/dressing-room since he bought the house in 1949, with a brief (shared) ten year intrusion when it was my first bedroom. 11  over my father's head drops white as it swoops upward narrowly missing his balding scalp  (Re)searching collectively (through) A/R/T  16  3 7  The A/R/T collective watched, '4 Corners' together on Friday (the first of our planned by-monthly meetings to continue our group research project and to ready ourselves for our accepted performance/presentation at The InSEA World Congress August, 2002, in New York City (see Appendix I). A n hour to set up - (the usual problems of equipment not working), however we did get it going at about five minutes to three and watched for an hour. I noted in my research journal (January 24, 2002): "hey this isn't bad, it really does pull together, it seems to be connected in ways that we never knew." I am interested in this, ways that we never knew. That we created meaning that is beyond our doing as individuals and beyond our immediate understanding.  Too much memory to write, the overwhelming state of parenthood, the pedagogy of the moments lost but others found, another paper, another time. A/R/T or A/R/T/S (artist/researcher/teacher/scholar) is the acronym for a group of graduate students and professors who have met regularly since October, 1999, when we organized and hosted an arts-based research exhibition, January 6-29, 2000, at the Lookout Gallery, Regent College, University of British Columbia entitled A Pied: Exploring Artist/researcher/teacher Praxis. A symposium on the subject was held on January 29, 2000. An example of the sculpture I researched through can be found on p. 149 of this document. There is a publication from this conference: Irwin, R. L., & de Cosson, A. (Eds.), (in Press). A/r/tography as Living Inquiry. As a collective we have continued to meet on a regular basis to work through the difficulties and challenges of arts-based research and have presented at various conferences (see appendix II). A good example of our work, Performing the A/R/T/S: A pedagogy of self, can be found in Poetter, et al., (Eds.). (2002). In(ex)clusion: (Re)visioning the democratic ideal (available at http: //educ ation. w su. edu/j ournal/). 16  17  12  T'o gatfier the participants'  tfougfts about tfiis coufdfe  interesting.  To find some old notes, the struggle of the beginning. I know I thought at points that we really were up the creek with this notion of cutting together our various selves. I always figured it would work, however the sinking feeling, at some of those early practices, that disaster was lurking, still haunts me. Questions to walk through. What did you think of those early practices? Were there points in our rehearsals when you thought it wasn't going to work? What were the most enjoyable points in the process of A/R/T? What is this data collection of daily writing going to offer?  Uses what you/ know. Do- whatyou/ know. Vorw't e^xpex^yourself to- be tfOwietKu^you; ewes not. U^techyuylogy - butdorutgetcxui^htby Ct... Stay cm/th&cnAtiicle/, look* for they m^onyrmxy m&rrienty, cdlow the/proce^y to-c<ynttniie/ to-u*waA/el/ cvy we/ meevnder dowrv Ctypath/  "Whatever crosses our paths unexpectedly can be viewed as an infusion of the creative spirit in our lives. ... What appears to be most foreign may in fact have the most to offer the re-visioning of the enterprise " (McNiff, 1998a, pp. 126-127).  18  McNiff s (1998a, 1998b) writings were most helpful to me as I formulated my concept of process. The notion of following it, and allowing it space to blossom was greatly supported when I discovered his books on arts-based research and artistic process. 18  13  T0a& 1 I walked the beach in the snow today an inch offresh whiteness touching the ink black water that laps the white line progressively upwards. I looked back over my steps, from rock to rock - balanced precariously - dangerously even (research journal, January 26, 2002)  Canadian singer Bruce Cockburn says in an interview with Sarah Hampson (2002) in The Globe and Mail: "I found the journey, and the journey is what I'm interested in. It's analogous to molecular motion or subatomic particles. Everything is in motion all of the time, and the motion is what's real." He jabs a forefinger into his forearm. "I can poke at this and I can feel it and I can see it but all of it is a bunch of electromagnetic waves, so, you know, what am I really seeing?" (p. R3)  Light slowly drains from this day of white as dense green dark spots in trees glare out from the forest that surround us. I walked the dogs this morning they frolicked in the freshly falling snow. With more being called for.  Tea Time  to-ffoi.//  /cef/ie on  and'ma/is /m~mimS /ea. 14  Jean is saying "you must begin; do you want to set up in here?" As I write in our 19  bedroom and look out over the garden -1 have ideas of taking over the back bedroom.  20  January 26, 2002 After the amazing snow fall of the weekend we have a sun filled morning rising - that glinting in the sky and fluffy white clouds that read as soft as the snow, large puff balls cling to the tops of trees; newspapers suggest records were broken, my tree trimming of Saturday is hard to believe.  St  ynaX  ia,  January 28, 2002 Jean tells me I must set up my room today -1 must begin. I nod, 'yes' - knowing she is right, but still stalling. Where is the right place? Is it up here with the amazing view, or is it my son's now empty room? The back room, my old room. Yes, I hadn't thought of that until this  Jean is my wife of 20 years now. She has seen me write my first thesis for an MFA at York University in 1982 (the year of our marriage). Watched as I struggled to be the working artist in Toronto, where I worked with a renovation company and created sculpture whenever - wherever I could. I got a more suitable job as an Arts Education officer at the Art Gallery of Ontario, as the 'living sculptor' in my den, visited by up to three school groups a day. I put on a show for them, opening up the living creative pedagogical process of what it was to be a sculptor. My favorite consolation of this job was the hidden benefit of coming in early and having the entire empty gallery to wander researching(ly). One of the most profound experiences took place in The Henry Moore Galleries. I still take Ontario College of Art and Design (OCAD) students to this space and relate the story of how I could feel his spirit quite palpably walking through his plaster casts on my silent morning wanderings - those pieces that he had personally run his hands through in the making of them, unlike the finished bronzes that were created by foundries. Jean also actively prodded me into my wrestling match with an MEd thesis on creativity, achieved in 1994 while on the faculty of OCAD. Jean is once again forcefully but with gentle fingers engaged in this 'terminal' event. It is through her being meshed with my process that I find strength and meaning. A room occupied, until very recently, by my eldest son, now at university, but who at the time of this writing last year was in England attending the same school as his father, grandfather and great grandfather. 19  20  ?3^u>tAep/xxlay<yieal  mea/ru/vp t/i,a/^/ma 6 iM way mk>- t/iU (fea^Jw (pJ al t/i/peas/wty. /  15  moment. M y room from when I was 7 or 8 till 15, when I was moved to the 'playroom' in the basement, a much larger and more independent space with its own entrance and washroom. (Yes I was given privilege. I still have privilege.) as I look over the garden and contemplate others what they have in comparison  "WITH COMPANY  WRITTEN  OF ONESELF,  OR TYPED NOT  FACE  EXPRESSION TO FACE  ANOTHER (WILLIAMS,  ONE IS FACE  AS WITH SPEECH,  TO PAPER,  IN  THE  IN THE COMPANY  OF  PERSON" 1996,  P. 1  19).  Back to the room. It is dark, it is the back, however it was once mine so I must reclaim it, to have somewhere dedicated to the enterprise. It could be the university, I do have an office there but the idea was to have two spaces for this. I will have the office at work.  AND I WILL HAVE MY SPACE HERE - (JEAN PUSHING ME) SHE KNOWS TOO to get this ship on the water I have to set sail I can no longer afford to wait around at the water's edge I must launch  I know I have a journey to record.  T'here are afftfiese fittfe Sits tfiat fiave to fe cuffed together. 1 seem to reaffy want to  find Dona Wiffiams' (1993) Wof>ody Nowhere.' 1 want to hook into something. Tfowever, 1 afs i(  know 1 have to stop the running around. 1 needtojocus on the thing at hand, it isn't out there, it's in here.  16  A Need To Make Contact  It is WiCCiams' words I (re)search for. She talked about the arts and their ability to 'speak' to her with spaces of understanding. There is something in that I want to get into - through. The /tout of our performance for instance. How does it work? What is it that is working? not working? Maybe some interviews of outsiders. As we were watching it I was thinking, how can we be critical of our own work? I am in it, how can I see it? How can any of us see it?  I need to make a list of priorities, a project is underway but it has left me out. I am running behind not really knowing how to do it. It has left me in a space of not knowing - ofwondering  why! am even attempting to do it. Am I simply going to collect  lots of this self-referential writing that doesn't seem to want to go anywhere? I remind myself that I am writing to find out what 1 think,  to allow the research process a pedagogical opening  l a m trying to a l l o w t h e  s p a c e  for s o m e t h i n g t o f i n d its w a y o u t -  1 am trying to Cet it taC£ to me  17  borne in  idol  'em bo-  "hmo andot^M> vMzbfo6uMm nm connecting/i^xei* m ajwme^. % tooA, 60 nmrn w-n^cA wew nol t  rne, fMinfon^fyk,  <^ ^i^^^z^^z^^^  ^ ^ J ^ * " ^^J^ ^g^^gjg^^ig^s^^^.  fo oecmie cenhb m  fo tM &omefo &onwfo fo  a^AJwg^^fofind new  c/fndnp cmfed^ofie^  tdal /text/a/Wa/~&a&m 18  22  SSL  Performing  research.  A Reality O f Self Dialogue Performances  Sef-diafogue is the huifding hfock to a true motivation to share and any true interest in others. QAost jpeopfe have that sef-diafogue from the time they are horn, may he  earfier. T'hey are aware of having thoughts, feefings, hody sensations, Body  connectedness. T'hey are aware of their-power to use their own conscious mind, to access  ^tvebtotde j^famattve  mdkp  a& tAe e^eb afaodt/ie owflblzedJetterb <ftwA,  tde wttm 0/fAe i^fotjfiminp  aA ixmetdmp otdefi lAm text a/me,  hi Ml^efi aA a wActe Mal' <fatemc&> tthef ' 0/'Ae text to tAefam & <  "(As we shall see, the mobile slash between and / or, and / and, or /and, or / or, is a singular border, simultaneously conjunctive, disjunctive, and undecidable.)" (Derrida, 1993, p. 23). 19 22  thought andfeefing and the means notjust Because it came from their own understanding andfeefings, hut Because they are aBCe to monitor it andguide it with intention andwifC. (WiCCiams, igg6,jp. 230)  I want to sick it up I want to barf it out -  I want to let this dragon free I want to sweat IT OUT -  I WANT TO DISLODGE IT FROM MY GUT-  Wmff'l'fiEXO'RC'lStE'D  Q  I WANT TO  M/W  CONNECT  3MP6R7/IA7 W MS  INSTEAD OF SIMPLY being DIRECTED with NO MEANING (TO ME)THAT WILL ALLOW A SPACE FOR MEANING TO COME OUT  That was the sick(ing) up - the retching of the performance that was the reality of the 23  moment. The walking of a pedagogy of 'lost dxvS.foundness.'' The being lost on the trail, not This literally, in an enacted metaphoric sense, happened at the 2 Annual Conference on Curriculum & Pedagogy with Arts-Based Educational Research, October, 10-13, 2001, Victoria,  23  nd  BC. I was part of a presentation Four per(form)ing: (Art)ticulations in educational research. I  presented a video of walking pedagogy and related the story of my being lost/not lost in the nearby park the evening before. In this same presentation, which had a free form performance pedagogy frame-work (Jenoure, 2000) one of the active participant observers enacted being sick as a metaphoric clearing of her blocked teacher self. I mirrored her action to help work through the metonymy of the moment, all the time not knowing where we were going as this was not in the script, (although the openness of it did allow for these forms to develop and we were challenging the audience to become engaged with us, by passing stick-it notes to write on and 20  knowing where I was, knowing I was very close, that the trail must connect, that the trail did connect, that the trail was the one I should be on, however I could not see it -1 could not find the space to connect to where my head told me I was. That I had to turn around because time was running out -  I realize that i mightfeeunsafe -  that I might not be able to find my way - that I had to go back into what I knew -1 had allow myself to know before I could connect the unknown - that the unknown cannot connect the unknown - that for connections to be made there must be knowns even if vastness exists between them as we strive to pull the threads into an ever more encompassing web - that it needs to be safe, have pullable threads of connecting that allows us all freedom we strive for  send back into the performance space and by passing the video camera into the audience for them to shoot any frames they felt relevant). While I was mirroring, another member of our group talked her through her turmoil of a persistent classroom struggle. This was a powerful joining of the blurred line between audience/performer roles that demanded a great deal of pedagogical trust and openness from all involved. The 'vomiting' was resolved with a joining of hands and a letting go of the desire to control the outcome of the performance, both on our parts as performers and the audiences part by not needing to know where we/they were going to end up (for the teacher this also related to her need to heal her broken classroom/school relationship). This corresponds to Jenoure's (2000), notion of transcendence. She is referring to jazz musicians but I would argue the same can be said for any performance that truly honors the role of living inquiry (Irwin, & de Cosson, in press) as research. As one of the early proponents of performance art Allan Kaprow (1993) stated, "art is a weaving of meaning-making activity with any or all parts of our lives" (p. 216), which would seem to me to be a good starting point for any living inquiry. Transcendence, Jenoure (2000) writes, demonstrates the surpassing of the confines of what seems possible into the realm of the seemingly impossible. ... which then takes on a life of its own. ... they experience the ability ... to surpass the limits of their own technical skills. ... It inevitably has a profound effect ... on the audience as well. ... This stage requires the total immersion and resignation of the ego and personal interests for the greater purpose of aesthetic and oftentimes spiritual transformation, (p. 23) This lived experience that I refer to here has certainly been one of my more powerful experiences in presenting performative material. The presentation had form but the form had spaces for the material to come alive in unexpected and new ways. This way of working has the ability in McMahon's words, as quoted in Garoian (1999), to cut " through the immobilizing effects of theory [and conventional schooling] with creative acts" (p. 29). 21  that writing will find a place of rest 24  What i s my mission? Iam endevouring toput into place the bits andpieces swirling about using myself as aplace of reference and theformat and construction of the text itself as an expressive example of performative text. For as Carolyn Ellis andArtBochner  ('996) remind us "...  thepoints offirst-person accounts is to help us understand how we've been constructed traditionally by social science texts aspassive and unengaged readers" (p. 2g). As Ronald Pelias (1999) emphatically states "... continue, find a label: autobiographic  ethnography"  (p-3)-  shape found FORM  GIVEN  indeed,25  24  Looking is what saves us " (Weil, 1951a, p. 192). 22  new  shape-fort*  How do I get to the place I want to be? when I am left to worry about stupid things -1 simply want to allow the flow to happen - to enter the zone that I know I have been fighting - that (s)p(l)ace that I get to on my walks, that sometimes I wake up in the night and the dreams are there, that I know I am close but still I wait on the side lines. Is this the day I start?? Is this the day that allows me to enter the (s)p(l)ace that I WANT/need, feel?  Th&pKories rirvcfy asnd/they trance* uybroken. It iyythiycxyrdtirjA  bre&kXnty erf th& flow. I have/to-do-thtyycrmehcrw with the/ niirye^ands  Mcv cxymxncy upytalry. I needy both ypac&y, jayt becawyey I yet up the/bo  room/ clocyrvt vncan I cxxnnot bey anywhcrey ebye/, jwyt m^Xyinythat iy places to- 'Puflfatylfatngs.  26  OK fast Oh yes! the sun breaks and is a stunning winter wonderland. (I realize the new nurse coming today thought she was talking to my Dad.) pulled pushed punched into shape  For the longest time I refused to name it a dissertation, preferring to make only side-ways oblique (metonymic?) references to it. Jean would play, 'You know, that thing your doing,' as she instinctively responded to my need not to name, not yet, not till I'm ready. Setting the dates makes me ready. "I AM WHITING: MY VISSZKTATIGN." I say loudly with gusto, (although no one is around to hear). I've been here for five years, that is long enough!  26  23  shape found form given indeed  Two  <i mcwii w ted  a  Blurred  This I know from years of building sculpture. I know a&oujy  a blank page through my pedagogy, through my teaching.  of Exercise #2, for example, in the first step into sculpture,  In which I ask my students to cut out six similar sized  Shapes  and then create a freestanding form  in space, not using any external connecting devices. Once the cut and slot method is discovered they quickly give  form, and see new shapes.  c/^uf  t/veeis GQPvUZA'  aolt^0/ to- cotyiA  25  form liA,to a seLf-f>LeasiiA,g, aesthetic reference poin>t  I run spell check which also has the added bonus of making me reflect on what is here. I have to reconnect to the spaces I have already created. I have to find the meaning in the random text. I have to engage in/with through the writing. I have to disengage from the university. Just like Stephanie said, "Oh Alex, he's not around."  I have the clock running, somehow from the phone call of the nurse, to now, I have jumped almost three quarters of an hour. My foot is cold, I can feel it, I need to turn the heat on but I hate this idea as I see $$ going out the window.  Rita Irwin stated on October 3, 1999, as recorded in my research journal, "Once you know you know, you cannot go back and say that you don't know," referencing this process of a continual expansion and unfolding of understanding. There is never a point where we can say, "I have it all now, I can stop." This creates frustration, as the desire to lock it into place sometimes overwhelms this 'knowing'. 27  26  (There is the call to do the book thing, there is the call for L.T.T.A. I must stop them from being priorities and find a way to make them the background.)  THAT IS WHAT JEAN IS TELLING ME TO DO,  "Just like I don't want to go to work, you don't want to start, you have to set up the office in the back room today 11" Jean gently nudges me in morning stillness  (her 6:45 departure for work) coming quickly to a halt, a stop, as Lyn Fels (1999) pointed out in her reference to David Applebaum's suggestion "that 'the stop' is the moment of arrest in which a person recognizes possibilities of action which embody both choice and risk" (p. 10). at each new threshold of doing  J Wag Cengfanfly \<b<bkln(jforfhlg y>\aC.e <&f digjancfure fhafforceg tye f© ye forward, ftf each ifep, af each new fhregh&(d ©f dmnc/, ag @6nforenCe afoer (QenfeTenCefaded mfe me  amfher g&tyefhmj Wag happenmcf, (here Wag a cjrtbWinCj - fhlg undergfandbnc/, mfergtfandiny a  'Jayfef and (fjaafsnen ( T ^ ' B H ^  Wfcwfcf  have ug undergfand fh&ge mferdependenftyeaninygag  fhey unf&l[d and C&al[egCe fe>fortyneW and expanded tyeanlncjg.  L.T.T.A. is the acronym for 'Learning Through The Arts ™' a research project launched by the Royal Conservatory in Toronto. Dr. Rita Irwin and Dr. Kit Grauer spearheaded the research program at UBC that I have been involved with since the fall of 2000. 28  27  It is (ike trying to dissect this moment of being into ayface thatfaffs neatfy into this and that when it doesn't (easify).  However, I shall pursue this as so much has changed in such a short time.  29  9•ff&ellike, 9 Cvm a totally  di^e^ie^vt peSiAxut, aA Uuuuyk two- (fUi^zasiate  fLaAJA. have colluded into- a new- delll. SometltUva. that WGA alwcufA 4epa?iated by a 'wall', a mall o£ jjea/i  r  OA,  utiJvMxnutna-, a4 not WGMIUUJ,  to  t/vuAt wujA&Ljj aA able,, the well waA, bluit dictumfewa lotto, time,. 9 am, not a pesljpsuM&Mce G/iitAt, altltxuujA  qow looJz at my leAMme,<pAe19S5 9 r  Uited peftJptoMGMce wosdzA, aA•p/vomitne^illyaA foMlptute,.  (I smile), but —  I put the horse before the cart, "Let the cat out of the bag"  so to speak.  Well not so short when you consider I've been dealing with this issue for over twenty years. I simply didn't realize that I was. It is this nut of change, this moment of perceptual nuance, when something is no longer what it was, as the 'interstandings' have profoundly shifted and changed the optics of what I now perceive to be the core of my understanding. I see with new filters, a changed lens; however, I wish to look, it will never be that which it was. 29  28  running ahead of my shadow, a shadow too large, going to overwhelm you (dear) reader.  This linear subjective writing that has to have, at least, an order to it, so we can pursue this together, so that I don't leave you out of the picture, after all, that is what I endeavor to do,  draw you in  3 0  not leave you out in the cold,  drying up on an  overheated  sidewalk, to question motives  30  oh .... this. is. s o hard as. it caw, e<^w.nLLy d r i v e y o u . a w a y . 1 fecwwtkls. There is. a - p a r t o f y o u . that ( p o s s i b l y ) fiv^ds, all t h i s rearrav^QewLe^t of text I r r i t a t i n g a n d s u . - p e r f l u . o u . s t o t h e relevant Information  y o u . w a n t o u . t o f t h i s t e x t . t - t o w e v e r , l f i n d t h e cu-ore I s e t t i n e c h a l l e n g e  of 'alternative w r i t i n g ' to n c y a r t stu-dents, own-pedagogical  ^otiov^s,  1  see Mwi^ess.  o f ' r e a d i n g ' t h a t c h a l l e n g e s n*.y  a n d !feel overjoyed.  29  inperformative doing finding its pedagogy in the ability to draw us on and be careful not to simply be "agents for this system of power"  31  This is but a start, a stab at the concept, a (re)release of pent-up energy that cannot be discharged exclusively on the page. Am I going to give into some prescribed edition of this and that and on and on, or am I going to try to get at a (s)p(l)ace that I wish to engender? I cry out, Yes! Yes! I know, but I could so easily ASK FOR MORE TIME, allow the need to become obsequent?  2  OR ... OR, the Big STICK TO THE SCHEDULE, THAT IS WHAT DRIVES THIS WRITING  If I accept a new schedule, experience tells me I will lose momentum. Building sculpture under pressure is what I have always done. I hate it. I fight it. I find as many ways to get out of it. Similar to that expressed by an artist/teacher research participant; I know that personally, I put all kinds of things in my own way. Like I've got to do the laundry, I've got to water the plants, and I've got to pick every fucking scale off every leaf on the plant; I can invent a million zillion reasons why I can't work. But eventually I have to do it.  33  Foucault (1977), p. 207. While looking up a word I still cannot find, which sort of meant to hide, but in a fuller way, Obsequent fit like a glove to silken fingers gliding - "flowing into a subsequent stream in the opposite direction to the original slope of the land" (Hanks, 1986/1979, p. 1062). de Cosson (1996), p. 107. 31 32  33  30  that lush fur of gray/blue dust January 29, 2002  34  The amazing thing is there is still snow on the ground and it still sits at the freezing temperature of yesterday. So a very unusual, for Vancouver, state of affairs, we have snow that has stayed. I got the drive way cleared yesterday and found out some ... (A segment on University applications for my eldest son). Through (my) gap in the trees I see a freighter heading out towards Vancouver Island. There is the glimmer of sun, what's going on? ... (A section on other obligations [possibly] not pertaining to this project ). 35  ... I do feel like I always have something else to do rather than what it is that I am supposed to be doing. I know part of it is that I need to set out some kind of schedule, some kind 1 should note that I did get the drums put away and the room ready. I started collecting rocks on the desk, maybe the room is simply a symbol, a metaphor, a metonymic (s)p(l)ace! For the project the clearing of the space is symbolic to the beginning. I may not 'use' it as I envision (I don't in fact envision using it), well that isn't the truth, the problem is I don't know how I am going to use it so it feels like I am not going to use it. However, I already am using it, THAT is the point. 34  I put yesterday's rock on the table.  How can one ever know this at the time, qualitative research teaches us to be open to all that is going on in the chosen research site. If that research site is self then where is the cut off point? The Stop. The process of reflective (re)assemblage of previously written data allows for the winnowing of (possibly) [this is subjective let us be clear] less useful material. As I continue the cutting (editing) process. 31  of, do this by then, do this by now, etc. But I get caught with not knowing what it is. However, a loud voice yells,  Is it the same as going to the studio? By putting myself in the way of it will I be able to tap it? By trying to configure the space of my day to allow the path to be transfigured will I open to that which I am trying to get to? What is that? What am I trying to do?? What is the mission of this endeavor??? Can I use past writing or is it all new? Where are the chapters? (Oh sometimes I am overwhelmed by the hugeness and un-see-ability of this ...)  I am buoyed, however, when I remember Joseph Beuys' (1997) words, a great German artist/teacher and researcher (although academia was not ready to include artists into this category in his life-time), who when talking of how a sculpture takes form said, the  sculpting  process  - that  is,  with the equipment,  the process  must  reached  have  "informed" at all pay point,  already  or transferred  observed  form things  must begin  a certain  onto another  a t t e n t i o n t o too{s,  at which  to  equipment  the forms arise»7his  -  with thinking^  intensity, Material,  to  and trained* (cited instaeck& steidi,pp.  ••• it  be  then  You should  or materials,  point  begin  cannot  not  but to the  must be made  ay/are,  214-215)  I am in the process of thinking through writing, form takes shape in the reflective aftermath, in that intensity of long edits yet to come. Art is often most successful when the artist doesn't fulfill his intentions, when he gives up on the thing he wants to do and just does the thing he can do  36  that lush fur of gray/blue dust  36  Hofstadter (1992), p. xi. 32  As Louwrien Wijers (1996) alludes to in Writing as Sculpture, "it was Joseph Beuys who made us think of thinking as sculpture" which allowed her to conceive of her written text as '"mental sculpture' you are holding in your hands" (p. 7). I concur with this conceptual notion of this object as form, and the thinking transference from page / text - textu(r)ality to you dear reader, creates a new space / (s)p(l)ace that has no boundaries and is akin, as I have previously stated, to contemporary artists' notions of installation work. Every now and then I have a flash of what this is going to look like, as though it is percolating under the surface of itself, that the threads will weave themselves closer to a whole, as the connections become more clear, as I perform this task, 37  From my research journal, July 9, 2002: When I awoke this morning the notion that it is a matter of 'mapping' was at the forefront of my waking walking mind. I had brought it from the recesses of the dream  37  world, a residue of nightly thinking. It is a matter oj? nvojapuuj, or 'putting  into  pla.Ce' the disparate elements of the (re)search, to put the  When one hasn't been to a certain location but looks at a map, one can discern an understanding of the area that we are going to journey into; however, if there is no existing map, we go forward, walk, explore, connect past to present in a continual hermeneutic and then create the map from our experience of being there. We can build a mapping through our bodies,  throtigh/ our memxyrie^, our (hi)stories, our experiences, ofbeing becoming in the performative state of being alive, to (re)connect the recollection of being.  Conversely if we already 'know' the map it may take away some of the adventure of the discovery. It needs to be a joint effort, between the known and the unknown, to get to the ability to make 'new'. As Philip Taylor (1996) reminds us, 33  this creative endeavor of placing the words that create meaning fay their interconnectedness, oj? tn\exi iLeitvcj, t$\wve. in. ^ I a c 4 ana vdSiite, ta faum a, m^<Mvirvcj,  I keep seeing rocks. There is a vague idea of my daily collection of rocks, something this morning about ...  Every time I walk the beach I see the rhythm of my footsteps as though they were something profound as though this walking on the earth is more than I understand I must stop at the library today to see if they have the book. I could also do an Internet search. That is one of the rules that I must begin. To have as a real rule, that is ... this morning writing.  "When/ experience/ Oy aynytructed/ only in/ terwvy of identiflahle/and/ redAACvbrle/party, the/po^hdAti^yopento-people/ ay they Vriteract... are/ tdiwiisvwyhed/' (p. 8). 34  I get pulled to the computer - to e-mail, but I know that will not help me. It only eats up my time, I must allowy^/-- realtime to be spent. That means every day coming to write even as I get pulled by all the other ideas.  Oh do this, do that, go to here, do this, do this, do that and on and on this self destructive monologue  It almost becomes an obsession to not do this, to not sit down and write the ideas out - to rattle on until I do find some meaning in the chaos of my mind. It is as though I can feel it just around the corner, but hiding too deep. Williams (1996) talks about the power of the arts, allowing for metonymic spaces to breathe - that there isn't a didactic monolith - that there is a multiplicity that allows for growth and that  "the/WOrhirof'the/feM} which were/  ey)u^epttorvy ^ee^vveA/ buried/ Ifhe/ cv patterLv\fy ofjeAvehr t>v cv vcv of mud? (p. 248). i_Pf.ce  /uwefownd f/i,ejewc/A in, my  (/^iay//*?/£lc>-deyfittewnyuxynde'M.  The setting of the schedule to-fiA\d/t\he/KhedAAle/  i&  to not allow myself to be eaten away - that submerging into research is understood and to have faith in the project, to have faith in the walking, the pedagogy, that it will lead me forward, as selflessly as the studio process does. That I will be able to find rhythms in my schedule, as a desk of papers call out, as my parents call out, as the dogs call out, as all these things call out,  38  This funding/  a e t t i r u g - Iletjx2fv3  of a/ Kh&dule/slowly came and I found the rhythms of daily writing, VJie, mAMukcwie, atvcl into, Vive,  le^Eecfcuvic.  The same is true for these many edits through the text, setting some dates and pushing the process into a mold, to allow a form to emerge through the process of writing/(rejwriting and reading/(re)reading, a tangled web of building towards a final (temporary) form on an ongoing journey 35  they must be resisted to allow me TO GET SPACES ON TO PAPER. That the paper becomes what it needs to be, a space of remembrance, that the space is allowed to grow, that the 'monkey mind' is realized and we begin the rhythm of writing to find what I think, what I feel, what I want to say. That a space is allowed to open not held by the strictures of known spaces but opened to new beginnings QJIAJ.  iuAAcunAclauA  mind.  3l3  not  a&cwuiari  me.,  1996, p. 250).  "f?£ id t/wuttjA dety' t/tcU asUidtd 6ea/i t/tei/i difsuUttted and a4e aiUe /a uz& f  wodci" (%/atO*t, /999,p- 94). I love these days. Every day I say thank you to the spaces that I walk in - the air I breathe - that I know I am blessed in this way - that I say I love being here, I love the trees, I love the space that I am allowed to be in. I feel my back. Can I write in such awkward positions?  (Re)searching collectively (through) A/R/T T0n.<vt  aia  tike,  ^ti^A&lna,  4  (Botne-ia,  (continued).  aa ^OA, me.?  Sat  tw,?  What way the/ reaction/? What did/ we/ learn/? The flow of the screens was a pleasure to watch. I loved watching all four flow down, to 39  have that continuity from one screen to the next, it was like a water fall - Oh, there's an idea.  On Dec 6, 2001, the A/R/T/S research group presented Performative Liberation: A Multilectic (An excellent overview of this work can be viewed at http.//education.wsu.edu/journal/). At this performance I set up four static video cameras in each  39  Inter/intrastanding of Pedagogy.  36  What would they look like stacked and let flow up and down, that could be very interesting to try out. I should make a note to do that.  40  (S aJxou£3 ILe Bouvcj- Void, ictfuS a/ve. afAi/m.  ta  ^iviin^ in^^ui/uj- vi$w/ve, wn^AAi^juvBin^A-  &&ep j/uim. nve.) That is the studio way /artists' way.  I have been forgetting the studio. I have been letting the University take over. I wish to make the campus my studio. I wish to allow the creative process into this work so that indeed I am building a sculpture, that I am indeed letting the process be the dictator of what I do (research journal, January 29, 2002). I got into the flow, or more correctly it was something that found me, that allowed me to enter the frame of the screen, to remain actively interested in the work. As to the actual words being spoken I barely listened, other than to find comfort in the lull of a known. Sometimes I (re)entered the ringing words of loss through Sam's mother, Rita's drawings, Wendy's Grandfather, Stephanie's students. I was struck by my use of my wedding shoes and the walking dog segment. How much walking, the pedagogy of movement through, was finding outlets within and without my conscious mind, winding its way into the performance. I remember when I first performed the shoes and how right they felt. I introduced them after seeing Stephanie perform her 'red shoes.' I threaded red cotton as she read from her text with the swaying of her body to accentuate the rhythms, "That red. Stop don't love yet. That red. Red of anger. Inner red." The group had talked about the possibility of all of us playing with/in the metonymies of our personal relationships to contextualized footwear within the performance dialogues. (0(t/p i/Jidwldu/d i/M//\i/nyA,  cw-tk>led (douledj/xxlaycyieA off/reedem  corner of the room to capture the real-time performance from four quadrants. There were also four hand-held digital cameras that were used by the performers and the audience to get wAi&e our performative collectivity. It is the real-time video pieces that are being referred to here. We were viewing them for the first time and had set them up next to each other to play simultaneously on 27" screens. The effect of collapsing the performance space into a horizontal line was fascinatingly mesmerizing, it provided an entirely new way to see our work and propelled us on a new avenue of research. (Well I have, haven't I? I am (re)reading it is an instructive note. Have I tried it like that? No, but the memory of the horizontal line of intersecting, intercutting, same but different moments of time, is enough to convince me that there are always new ways of looking.) 40  37  I HADN'T REALIZED HOW WELL OH SEAMLESSLY THEY FLOWED It was effective to have these disparate parts flow into / through one another. Maybe I need to look at the film again and ask different questions of it. What would they be? Maybe I simply need to do that so that I can allow the space of the performance to grow inside me. Maybe I need to record more of that space, the sitting, the moving around, the being in the midst of the unraveling (which is what I intend to do) but because it is always in front I sometimes get nervous about its eventual outcome, and get thrown outside its circumference. I took film of us watching - filmed the space, maybe I need to view that again. Maybe I simply need to keep watching, keep the vision attached to the work so that I CONTINUE to walk through the spaces I re(look) at the tape of us watching the tapes of our December 6, 2001 performance, now a camera's (i) eye, a researcher's eye, (re)searching for a glimmer of understanding. We are confident of the process, we march ahead with ideas, plans, new forms of data presentation. Stephanie has sent a copy of the text with images to the C&P Conference Proceedings (Poetter et al., 2002) and we debate different ideas for future work on this project. Stephanie asks, "But is it activism?" We are all engrossed in the watching, we are drawn in even though we have performed this many times now, but this is the first time we have watched our own performance. We are amazed at the amount of laughter. "It's as though there was a laugh track." Wendy muses. Rita cannot understand what is funny, "What are they laughing at?" We speculate on the performative nature that the static cameras miss. "We are pushing the research community to look, see and feel differently. " I respond, "We are endeavoring to change consciousness." We agree to meet again in two weeks.  One of Rita's immediate responses after the viewing of '4 Corners' at our Jan. 24 research meeting was: "This could be the piece that we show for New York," thinking of our 42  need to produce something for the InSEA conference in August. That there was a raw power in letting the work speak for itself was at first an attractive and challenging concept; however, it  41 42  From research tapes Jan. 24 & Feb. 1, 2002. From research tape Jan. 24, 2002. 38  41  didn't take long for our group to come up with far more intricate confrontations that would continue our play with performative pedagogy (Garoian, 1999). There was a desire to (re)engage with the work from new perspectives. Wendy wished to engage with a self critical dialogue with performers other than herself; as she said, "I want to be the critical voice." Sam was interested in pursuing further personal reflections through memory. Stephanie wanted to engage in more critical shared reading, and I was interested in the possibility of more inter(action) with the video document itself, either in the form of further performative work interspersed into/through the video or further work on the video document itself. Rita was interested in a possible (re)introduction of written reflective dialogue at this postviewing stage as informed by a single (outside) reading source. She suggested that this would be similar to the action researcher's continuous rounds of reflective writing that feeds the process of understanding (Irwin, Mastri, & Robertson, 2000). We were also excited about the possibility of Patti Pente (re)joining our group. She had worked with us a year previously and had seen our Dec. 6, 2001 performance and could provide a voice as outsider which would definitely add to the texture and depth of our enterprise as we headed towards our two conferences in Victoria and New York. We were also beginning to realize that through the use of technology our individual contributions to the whole could be represented and exhibited at many conferences without the need for everyone to be in attendance. This was a very powerful idea for cash-strapped graduate students and something we have subsequently taken full advantage of.  UAUVSAA (BcMvtuvocA ....  I go out to the school I am presently doing LTTA research at .... (A large section detailing work for that project and the necessity of buying good virus detection as we are being plagued by viruses through our graduate student e-mail server list which I administer) .. ,  43  And on we go ...  1 have been engaged in multiple edits of this document and have been deleting large sections of text from the journaling component. For a full methodological explanation of this see, A Point of Extreme Disjuncture: Peril or Hope?, p. 131, this document. 43  39  I must walk, ... -... yes,  ... I have said that walking keeps me fit, and  helps me find  connections. S mu&t ij/tea/lc tn\A iMn-aiana,  oj? V!M/L€A ta viafflz truj, liooij..  It seeks an internal logic, one that may be filled with ambiguity, tension, and contradictions. Held against the external world, it may echo or challenge everyday understanding. Its account, then, is a temporary diagnosis. It illustrates the possible. (Pelias, 1999, p. xiii)  (Sffie- 6ec/y, fAe f/wn^  Aavov tyet i/n/^odaeed.J too early, 1 (et too much out.  S  naa 'di.  3  Jot-veM",  infa IIA. fiaaxf. matnemtdiiciarA  St  S  naa U4VUM3C£&O -trve. taAjeAA oj? the, j ^ o i i i c m ana p^n^X^ahia  vUtA  bJLc one, o j ? ttvcAQ. camxnaia,  ta cnaiieAiae,  tnwt il^at\.  Aetvt  ana -trve anX oj? ^M^CCVLU- WieA In- c a r e ^ u £ tnaAxant  auZeA. i&acllieA untii  •tfve.  tnat cetvteT, \A avivQaa  1998,  iA a ^ w k u j A a <vimp£u>Uxj. at tJbeAA, ana a cairn- ^xyrioUvcj, i l v i o a g X a j ? tJbe,  tne. pe/iinveXeA,, buX a a&titte, puJLina,  a vi/zxxJk (pat o j ? -trve ae^eAUxeA-^an. - t f v e t e a l W w j A . \A arm-'\A wteaiea.  affl tJbe, (Ji^enatn o J tne, attach  naW^AleA,  at. c £ i i c e any a/imu. tauina, ai&aa ta a catJ^b,,  A^ZAM I l e a , not in a v&iae, adAau&C aaauna  auXvfxyi^A until  ILy.  3CcM^vtei ^owriiaa&ie, in appexx/uxnce,,  ae£ibzKaJCe£ij- aeAuywZ, ka pe/piexx, ana can^uAe., uat tneAa  core,  avX in competition  3&ep.  can l i e j ^ o c u A e c ' an knot one. paint  oj? <tfve  Snen  until it aXAeA -vCxuj..  p 474)  40  I go and pick up my son and his friend from their skiing afternoon. As I sit down to a quiet dinner which Jean has kindly left out, my mind drifts to the idea I had earlier about using the '4 Comers' videos as running water. I run this idea over in my mind's I (eye).  44  I take pleasure in the idea. I 'see' it cascading down as a waterfall. I think about my statement quoted below from my research journal notation after Feb 1, A/R/T/S group meeting:  1 wanted to (re)see the performance. 1 want to c (range tke 'art' of it. 1 want tfiefifm to start speaking in a ifew  WAY.  ft ('DlSjjOllff'E'D (re)view,  44  I know I have read somewhere in the last three days I need to find this. This will mean going out to the recycle box to get the week's newspapers to see if I can find what has been surfacing at least three times a day.  It is interesting how these things cross and then get lost and then jump out. "dey, yott need me" and then not to be found, maybe it was in a 'New Yorker' lalteti q&u cati't >ieme*mhe/i what it H tkat ytui, ccuutot n&memhe/i, had to write that as I washed out a plate that needs to be put away before I head out to see a film. Better go or I'll end up being late. 41  1 want to see if others woufdafso re (see).  I was thinking this as I ate and listened to the radio not paying great attention to either. The Canadian Literary Awards is on and this year a Vancouver writer has won, and he was also a painter. I picked up my plate and moved closer to the radio, I want to hear this guy. I am moving before I analyze why. But at the same time I am asking the question in my mind, Why? 'I jU4^ wcmttcrhear/  I respond.  There is a deeper voice, ' I cum/ trying to write/ avid/1 cum/ cuhyy- cuvu curtV^t.'  'See,' it seemed to say, 'cuvu artist ocuw write/.'  The other point is I had been in this thinking about the film of A/R/T, and then moved, and then almost forgotten, and then I really wanted to remember, but it was illusive, so I ran back to the radio and then I ran upstairs and got the computer to get the ideas down, to really do this: TO FOLLOW A PROCESS OF A DISSERTATION BECOMING (of a self becoming)  Taking the laptop to the movies. I get excited by this idea. Maybe tomorrow I buy the carrying case so I really can carry it around which was the original idea.  Norris (2000), p. 44. 42  Where are the Chapters? The rocks? The pedagogy?  One lesson the arts teach is that there can be more than one answer to a question and more than one solution to a problem; variability of outcome is okay. "  46  'e  But how to contain the excitement of all that has unfolded, all the enigma the stacks reveal, the wonders of knowledge held on those shelves that a web search never satisfies. It isn't real, the 47  web, it has no texture, only a screen. Yes, I print off the finds and that at least is more tangible, but still not real, not like the following of letters and numbers, down, down, down-along, up,  that focus of endless spines growing, overwhelming, astounding, grounded in history.  I have always loved libraries; I remember my youngest son saying to me one evening two years ago Eisner (2002), p. 196. I'm not even sure it is knowledge, but if not, what is it? Other's thoughts? Collections of other's ideas that I search through to find the kindred spirits that talk my language, that seem to reflect back what I am thinking. What I am looking for. Which I know is continually in flux. So why search, when tomorrow it changes again? 46  47  This is the crux of it.  6c/wla/p aA ae&f/tefe iA rwi/u/na mo^e f/t/j//v a/nd net/ti/na leM //ta/ri, a n^aotiation o.  (MtirsA,  /999,  /.  3)  43  II  I was almost suspicious, he must be doing something else, but then, I thought, I should be the first to understand, to really understand, to know what he means. The library nurtures growth, allows for connections not otherwise made. To put the NX's together, the PN's and the LB's, find cracks in-between the sudden jump of an unannounced book that seems to glow from the shelf  even with a list it is always the unexpected find that marks the true reward of the library search. 48 There is a reassurance in knowing there are others on the same search'  tke/ie a/ie, the inieM&ctio+tA,  and a (reapplying of past (know)ing(ledge)  to constantfy recreate oursefves a-new 44  Only now piecing together what so easily fits this moment. I cannot understand how I never had them together before. How does this work? How is it that we can know and not know, at the same time, in the same room. Ideas still not weaved together, sitting with their spines spruced, side by side on a shelf they leap  out two words Performative Pedagogy, Yow!! There it is, I don't believe it, I grab the dull brown, no it isn't brown, what colour is that? A dull flat red brown, but that isn't right either. I don't know what colour it is and read the sub title 'Toward an Art of Politics' and think, wow, as I struggle under the weight of large volumes of books on the German Postmodernist artist/teacher Joseph Beuys.  49  "The whole idea is that if knowledge is socially constructed it doesn't have to occur with someone who has more knowledge, it has to be with someone who has as much commitment to the process "  50  I wcUh too- quickly  Where are the guts to these thoughts on pedagogy and curriculum?  Back to the walk, fresh air that must be forced into the lungs to keep the body healthy, to get the heart rate up and keep it there. To remain healthy, to remain able to write a minute more  0> /-yv€/c<y XCCOt^cl'  1 feel I saw Joseph Beuys in Washington D C at an International Sculpture Conference in 1979, however it was a video tape in a crowded bar of a recent talk/action that he had performed in Halifax. I remember being drawn into his German accented English, the circling logic of his art as an economic theory. I wanted that tape and so talked to the promoters of the exhibition/performance. In this talking (performative action) I became further engaged and thus I have this memory that somehow allows me to believe I did talk to Beuys. Jipson & Paley, (1997), p. 209.  49  50  45  When we worfc now? we try to find colorings in our writings that we abandoned so long ago (in the (Ve* we abandoned so (on.? ago?). Finish is no longer anything* Stopping and starting get confused* Direction? We did that* Leave everything rough and uneven now so you can see the spaces in between wriere things don't connect and don't force the**. Where your r*ind struggles to translate what it sees anyway* Could that be a practice? Stumbling) along the way, or crawling* we worfc wftri whatever occupies us* It can be anything and everything* Jake what you find on your way (or in your way), and put it there too. (Jipson & Paley, 1997, n. p.)  I get caught in the (re)reading, the editing, the constructing of textu(r)al text, and time slips by and the walk/run can become a distant memory. I shall stop now and don the clothes of a runner, remembering as I do so Pinar and Grumet's (1976) assertion that the term curriculum is derived from the Latin currere 'to run the course' and how Garoian (1999) takes this and brings it into the performative (s)p(l)ace when he writes, "the existential experience of currere, like the liminal, contingent, and ephemeral conditions of performance art pedagogy, is predicated on embodied experience" (p. 130). I want to do this I want to Bridge  46  / want to find the way through the problem of not understanding  J7 Jzeep. i/un/tatf  t/iete mudt /ie a way  ta aeti*tta  t/te  psiab/em  Ifin&ivuf out uUteAe. 9 am  January 30, 2002 A wonderful walk with Jean through the snow-covered trees, a walk that allowed time to talk, to reflect, to neutralize the hurts that can grow in a marriage that is not cared for. It is this caring, this pedagogy of nurture that is always present on our walks. It is the healing (s)p(l)ace for us. We walk every weekend and any other days we can. We walk in the snow before it melts away as we know it soon will, this fleeting moment of nature's passing whim in which we are magically embraced. We still have snow over the gardens, its blanket softly clutching the earth, its mother's warmth holds tight safely embraced nature to nature each feeding the other.  As David Jardine (1998) reminds us: Awakening from Descartes's nightmare is not a matter of simply developing a tolerance for ambiguity. It requires of us a love of ambiguity which is at once a love of the generativity of new life as a gift bestowed from the earth. We can only hope that it is out of this love that educational theory and practice is born. (p. 31) And distraction continues with the foibles of office politics. A fellow graduate student gets us money which is more work and the Internet ports are still not up and running  "OK - OK, I'll make the list' 47  I go to a lecture given by the artist Gu Xiong, 'Making an Art in a New Place.' We watch a video, a series of pre-programmed questions. Why did you come to Canada? Why don't you 51  go back to China? Etc. Dear Kit and Rita, Carl suggests a meeting Jan 9 or 10, 2003 Are you available either of those days? Time preferences? Cheers Alex (e-mail correspondence Nov. 23, 2002) Notes from Gu Xiong continued: Banff is beautiful, Banff is not REAL Welcome to Vancouver We clap Looking at slides Gu narrates his life's story through his art. (9 pnovide a (le)telling  Cju'i telUna, ('appendix III) taken- puun mn  notei &L" that evenina. lluA- H not a vetted itosuf, but natke/i tlte tliAeaded <  naVuxtiue my, memtvuj, and not&i taken, UuiA a 4MU*tte/una jouAsien  to "veal  kid. perianal  chanae and buuiAjpxmaU&n ai it iUuAfoateA. fjatelU-e'd. (f998) call witneii to tlte Uuei we one Uulna. ... (and in) keeping- tke wonld  open and ewticina and aUue and inviUna" (p. 2), ta illuminate a pedaao^. at" hope and teMewal.)  "U rider water yow haA/e/ to- find/ wcvyy to- ^urvLve/. Cowboy  re^taAxvoAAt -  Cultured/ flowy"  CQw,  use pre^^^aticnv).  Stephanie later refers to this presentation in our Feb. 1, 02 research group's meeting. She saw a relationship to the audience that we don't see in Gu Xiong's video, but know is there by the sound track, and our '4 Corners' video work, in which we do see the audience as they are framed by "the theatre in the round" as Rita saw the video's reenacting structure resembling. The relationship to audience is a continuing interest to the group as we realize the power of the performative to engage and transform pedagogical desires through its "open methodology" (Garoian, 1999, p. 25) and grounded research structure which we equate closely to action research methodologies (Irwin et. al., 2000; Carson & Sumara, 1997). 51  48  We clap 5 2  February 3, 2002 A full sunny snowless day to continue my garden work of pruning. I have taken all the dead branches off the weeping willow and today wrapped them into bundles for putting out for recycling collection day. As I was working I was thinking I should gather the books that I need. One of the books that came to mind was Terry Jenoure's (2000) jazz inspired pedagogy, I know there is good stuff in there for me to use. I come in to find Jean has started a fire, I am invited to have tea in this room I love. (It's the proportions, they are perfect.) It isn't a large room, I stop for a moment to put another log on the fire. I am listening to Miles Davis' Sketches of Spain, followed by something that I don't know. I am tantalized by a voice that is different and an opening line that sings as follows: >•// /A/A day dialyed Ctte) /ia6 mader/owo^eryc>t//r- /ia/nd a/nd <J^ywey.oio mi/ne f/teAeti/m/jle wwdA tkril over- owr- /wei  is 6readi/ f/ii6 vow- a/ndrioiem/n/y 6t.aea  52  do  w h y  I Insist  cut It -from t h u s  on retaining av^d  text  was. such rich texture In  <^u's  lecture? \ had  a s s i g n to the his weaving  thought I was  from  which I  am seeing  assume a hegemonic  the  view (with  Cxu reminded me to  of a  personal  Life-into-art In  of  (pre)scrlbed  eliminate It,  me  these  his  outsider reflection  o f m.y own, place  and  the  are and how easy It Is to  no Intent of doing so).  p e r s p e c t i v e . T h i s Is a p o s t m o d e r n ,  curriculum  world. How p o w e r f u l  always  u i A , d e r s t a i A > d l i A , g s be s u b s u m e d  to  'taize outs from- m.ain dooum.ent' file. However there  that he gives from an insider now pers-peotive reminding leases  going  by  ( t r y ) to loofe  from another  calling and one we must l a b e l s aiA,d a c c e p t e d  learning outcomes  that  ( a s y e t i/\,ot  thought of)  s t r i v e t o h e e d ; iA,ot t o l e t  our  norms, once again hidden under a  \imlt Imaginations,  freedom and  Lived learning. From this through  choose to feeep t h i s c\u(ian) Interlude as an art-pedagogy and freedom.  perspective  personal  I  example of  wall/zing 49  (/we(.uj/i,Ji/r& a/ndMx'-rwbjevevep 6y ro  yew* Aide <_Pwi/l6tay> There is a haunting violin melody singing within the text and I wonder, who is this? It wasn't fitting into my known lexicon. It didn't sound like anything I knew or that Jean would have on, too (slightly) off center. Jean comes in, I ask her who it is and she says, "Well, it's yours." "No it isn't," I respond, "I don't know who it is." "It is yours, do you want me to take it off?" she asks, "No, but who is it?" She goes into the study (now computer room) and brings 54  me Terry's CD, "Oh yeah, so it is," I answer. I had bought the CD in Victoria after their performance/discussion at the Curriculum and Pedagogy Conference. It was a wonderfully freeing, jazz pedagogy inspired, inquiry based session, using the violin and dance movement to elicit discussion of the role of creativity in the classroom and how to better encourage us to infuse it in our own teaching practice. As Jenoure (2000) says, "teaching the mechanics of style was secondary to what I believed was most essential, which was helping my students unravel and tap their unique, expressive potential" (p. xvi). The whole conference was excellent. Maybe I will reconsider my decision of not going to the next one. However, I know I cannot go before I get a substantial way along (In/with this writing)  A little later I listen to a CD by Christopher Reynolds, an artist/teacher, whom I met in 55  Texas at the previous Curriculum and Pedagogy Conference (Nov. 2000). I remember his shout of "what about the artists?" They were such wonderful full-felt words. He says in his album notes:  Jenoure (1999), CD liner, n. p. What the room was called when we were kids. Hey an idea, these rooms can become areas of discovery, I can write to each of the rooms, the memories, the old names, the new names, the changes that have transpired. (No longer such a compelling idea.) It is interesting how ideas can seem so right at one moment and so drained at others. 53  54  To- clvycervv good/ iA^cvyfrom/ bax^one^thiy vy cvw curt iw Cty 55  Reynolds (2000). Creation: The Pyramid and the Suns. 50  I know from experience that when a group of people come together to enhance creativity in a spirit of group trust, risk-taking, ... true education occurs. ... One part of it is the sense of being released from the past, while the other is the sense that one is participating more consciously in the future of creation, the creation of the future. It is a form of initiation in the classic sense where you are separated from your former life, move through a transformation and return bearing a boon. (n. p.)  R£y  IA-OIPU'  andJenoure's cc>'s both listened to without m y being aware that they  were on the player. I had been thinking metaphorically). it Is this synahronlclty  about them, white I worked outside (literally and and at±unement  to the moment that they  espouse and here I was living It.  I am feeling a little sick, upset stomach, I woke this morning not feeling well and also vague recollection of a dream of some work being done on pedagogy. 56  Afematied,fiiama dteawi  7  944, J/ie micdtU aj' l/te pAocedd ike {ledcbaoGAcaUtf,  56  will  Ifind even MJalttvtasied, ate injected. 57  T o foofi in a cfironofogicaf order,  as some did occur in a sequential time structure, which nowfafurs into oneness of a moment, that is the now 1 am in, however, this 'now' woufdnot exist without aff these moments strung together. 51  Three shifting on loose sands that lush fur of gray/blue dust  52  Art is freedom Listening to Jenoure (1999), I was reminded of the connection of freedom to a creative process, how important it is to allow freedom to blossom. When asked by a participant at a recent conference what my definition of art was, I surprised myself with an unequivocal and speedy response: "Art is freedom." I have come to realize that I believe and act on this definition more and more, if art is not a freedom to do, to think, to express, to create without boundaries, then what is it (for me)? As the jazz musician Nachmanovitch (1990) says: "To follow your own course, not patterned on parents, peers, or institutions, involves a delicate balance of tradition and personal freedom, a delicate balance of sticking to your guns and remaining open to change" (as cited in Piirtro, 1998, p. 70). Again I quote Reynolds (2000): "I imagine creativity ... to be offering a way for individuals to flourish in their lives in the sense that they live more from their originality than from their conformity" (CD liner notes, n. p.).  "Art demands that we pay heed"  58  February 15, 2002 It is the day after Valentine's and the computer connections in 'The Palace' are 59  supposed to be up and running. How many times is it now? How long have we been doing this? How many e-mails confirming the structure? And still I cannot get connected to the internet. It simply goes on and on  This whole thing has a life of its own.  C-Pa/m dea/te/wnyfo?' «• cV/ntclwre, a toay efjbuUi/ny mea/ni/ny lo- t/tM ena lettijll& ofnieelwyA /  \60  a/ndyel~loyelAer6.J  Wright (2001), p. 312. 'The Palace' is the name given to an area that graduate students have offices. I was a Peer Advisor for two years and was involved as we took steps to get internet connections supplied for personal computers. This is not to suggest that I did not enjoy my tenure as Peer Advisor or my time as a graduate student, for indeed it was a rewarding experience. I am simply acknowledging the very real frustrations that are sometimes a part of our work. That all these differences feed into myself as a - w A c o t c ^ , &d§ are important, that research is not isolated from life. 58  59  60  53  This is interesting, {/' atw  uyMun^/  coublv $ot^M>)if)illsu2tn^&' (7993/300/J talAjA^,  as I finally was able to download the interview which I had heard on the day I began to write.  I find it fascinating. (I'm not sure what I do with it.) I think it's a matter of trying to remain away from the text, To allow her voice to resonate - to pass into my being don't want to simply write what she writes. She is talking about a mirror as  & Ct- coax*/ Ldb&~  LI&U^/  if&ujiA-eJLp'  a-p-u^^ek . . .  Art is what 1 doArt is what 1 breathe 'Art widjindme Lost in wading trees Art can hofdme In hafance with the rest that is Art is what 1 do -  Does it get Cost? Yes it does  'QUiri'titf- <J?i)</t<i/rt/-  Cy^n'iii'  ®  t/e  ^atUO'H-:  <  m / j r e & l ) n e e a U i / M a i em/>raei,ny  //te m / i o / e  /jni/iiy-.  54  In the fahyrinth of doing Hut it afways-puffsme hack fts does the view from here - now to over there over there 1 teach art - 1 teach art to reach deep(fy) Into others - 1 touch others /they touch me We grow together understanding through doing It is praxis that hofds huifds us - waffling us through ,6l The spaces, unknown, hut strong  6  ifxe&  afX- tJhe^ i-l&cleds  e&totvtAs  tfi&j^2&d/  ttfLes  tnn&uzoC'.  63  ^JLat la lacui. Sa i^acl XJLe. noa-^cacWucj-  61  6 2  (TDci£, 1 951 <x, j i . 63).  Written at the C & P Conference, Victoria, B C , October, 2001. Williams (1993/2001), quotes taken from Tapestry audio file.  . .  We had an interesting A/R/T/S group meeting today, joined by an original member, Patti, who was in the A Pied group . She had seen the Dec. 6, 2001 performance and so could talk to 63  us from outside the circle of doing. She confirmed for me how much there is to learn from this  lUtenivic^ to- avv outyLde/.  64  "Artful living, artful writing, connecting with purpose to help each other transcend and to grow through inquiry. Connection, embodiment, transformation, transcendence" (Neilson, 1998, p. 280).  I am working with four words -1 will crack them all take a/Uiit, c/uuzh it Ant / 9it  Performative sculpture (writing) Moves Cn/ the/ crctchy It is the moment of formless form - that moment of doing what has sat gathering intensity inside - that 'knowing' place of being becoming that is pushed over/into/witkin tke  context of the place of presentation.  cM&ut da 9 cafitusie tkii (d.)p(l)ace  r  a Space/'place?  (Open to writing between the lines, opening to the writing-self that will write in me, towards that which comes forward as I feel  See footnote #17. See appendix IV for example of 'outsider''paper presented and performed at the 31 InSEA World Congress, August, 2002, NYC. 63  64  st  56  pressure to write. To search inside for connections to the world beyond this body, to something that finds rhythms in the way the page is filled. I write the text that becomes the syllabus dependent on the spaces. I want to crack them. I see the spaces, not the  words.) Research journal entry, June 12, 2002.  "Autobiographical experience  understand  the  of t h e i n d i v i d u a l from t h e p o i n t of v i e w of  that  individual"  research  (Pinar,  aspires  Reynolds,  to  Slattery,  &  Taubman,  1995/1996, p. 411). I am trying to crack this place I am in, this artist / researcher / teacher, (Rita pointed to a missing (researched place) - 6e/i.ola/p. How did we miss this?  And on it goes A continual hermeneutic in its circling forward and there is always more to find as we piece together shattered shards  Maybe when cracked the researcher self will open to this (s)p(l)ace, this scholar who is trying to find the hook, the thread that ties, binds, and places meaning over the whole - Maxine Greene(1988) wrote, "aesthetic experiences ... involve us as existing beings in pursuit of meanings" (p. 293). so that I may sleep knowing a veil is that much lighter than it was, this veil of tears that will not dry as it pours out its heart 57  ft&U beyond a scope of doing.  'Ifyou only knew howfatigued I feel at these revelations and unveilings, how many I have toput up with, how badly I put up with them when they are to do not only with opening onto this or that but onto the veil itself a veil beneath the veil, like the thing itself to be unburied" (Derrida, 2001, p. 39).  65  All the senses have to be used in another way - you must read between words, look between things, feel between senses (Kemps, 1999, p. 31).  O-fowfar wiCClgo in a trance ofCigdtgfow-screen?  65  i aCCow creativity itsflowin (text)u(r)a(gCory,  1 hefieve that one of the (s)p(()aces crackedhy the performative is the artist-sef. "Artistic studio practice engages a performative seff that cannot he anywhere  efse. 58  •laceA axxpA in- a- jac3aaocjica£  V)XJM..  And so go on  <  < «  < < <<  February 16, 2002 I have a terrible cold and I must teach tomorrow. I will head home now. We got a gold medal for skating so that was good news. I am all stuffed up. So much to do, I can feel it getting ready to be forced out. I have the next three weeks where I am going to write every day, where I will pry open a space to capture that which is there but still held inside. Where is the structure? The elusive form, too early, too early I intone, haven't decided - more I do not know (just around the corner). To put on hold all else, give myself a deadline get a draft to work through.  66  February 17, 2002 These dreams keep coming as though I am working at night in my sleep. The night before last was all forest and streams. There was a very strong image of rocks in a streambed. There was a strong line of rocks. Had it been made by human intervention or was it natural? (In the dream I do this (at last) eight months later after attending a November 8, 2002, FOGS (Faculty of Graduate Studies) meeting expressly to get Doctoral Candidates on track with time lines that must be adhered to meet desired convocation dates. It was crystal clear to me that I was ready to submit a draft and that I could now face a realistic time line as the material was here. However, a contradiction looms, for at the same time I was writing this footnote I also knew I wasn't at that point. It is a matter of keeping myself attuned to an end even though still beyond my immediate grasp, which if fully acknowledged could be an insurmountable climb. So yes, I fool myself, or rather, I use simple means of self deception to keep, once more, Gadamer's (1965/1986) LywymA 66  close, or Haskell's (2000) 'oAimmith&a-  m*M*JUu*i  near. 59  this was an important question.) A dreaming statement about it makes no difference, which isn't quite the point, as of course it would, but it was more that you cannot see/know the difference. It was a strongly physical, natural line. I can see it clearly, they were black from the water and there was a tree lying to the side which amplified the line. Was nature capable of such perfection? I don't know and that was the point. There were other pictures too. These images were of this writing (in the dream) or at least related to it.  Then again last night I dream this dissertation. Suddenly the other writings formed into tangible space in my mind, I once again realized I have written this before, get to the punch, use what you already have and I saw the pieces forming together, articulating a structure. AvveocLotciL ScA/JLptOvxfy: That piece for jet is a perfect chunk , it talks about my ideas of Writing A5SCUlPUire. 67  <jfi/iad'/e/iicwtv /A/A  6ul no/ aA clea/t</y aA // ea/tne /////w/y////Ae dwa/m (/n<//).  It is a matter of finding the text - pulling / pushing / cajoling - seeing if it pulls together or falls apart.  68  'Chunks' are what Dr. Robyn Stewart, a visiting scholar from the Department of Visual Art, at The University of Southern Queensland, referred to sets of text that can be built with, similar to the concept of bricolage at a meeting with graduate students, Oct. 2, 2002. 1 have held to this idea. As yet I have not added any chunks of text outside of this journaled / collected / inserted text that I have been working on as a whole. This is because it is this text that I am working, 6/i.a/*,ny. ^mvurva, mofding into a whole and importing a text from outside has not yet 67  68  found a place. The chunks that are waiting outside of this one are already formed, already have the stamp of publication on their pedigree (as with this previously published jet piece) their provenance is thus strong. I shan't manipulate them any further. However, I believe this interlude does signal an opportunity to introduce one of these outside chunks into the mold. The structure is solid enough to house, with pleasure, this (re)making into new. The constant growth and change that this living document breathes into its own j/ta/Mty as form takes hold. 60  Anecdotal Sculpting: Learning To Learn, One from Another  Garry Rasberry isapoet who teaches. I am a sculptor who teaches. He integrates his poetry into Writing Research/Researching Writing through a poet's i (2001) in an inspired manner. Garry challenged the traditional format of the dissertation for his Ph.D. (1997) and delved into uncharted waters, darting in and out of various 'styles' as they suited the process of writing. Writing Research/Researching Writing through a poet's i is a revised and updated version of the same delight I found when I first read his dissertation in the fall of 1998 and began my ownjourney down the Ph.D. path. He inspired me then and continues to do so, with works exploring performative pedagogy at American Educational Research Association conferences (2000,2001). The work presented here is a 'visual performance' of texts inspired by Garry's work. In a sense it is a review. In another sense it is 'parallel play.'  Similar to the hundreds of exhibitions that take place throughout this country every month, one of a kind works of wonder that too few people get to appreciate, their vision is often spread through the written word. Experimentally, 'giving' s p a c e to grow— slowly, looking for rhythms.  This section has been published in jet: Journal of Curriculum Theorizing. See de Cosson (2001).  Prologue on STYLES I agree that APA and other 'styles' are useful. We need to understand each others' referencing. We justifiably want to believe in the 'authority' of what we are reading. Recognized 'styles' help us in this regard. But do we have to be so rigidly controlled by them?—so controlled that we cannot step out—step around—step sideways, or for that matter, do the 'tangle-tango.'** The 'tangle-tango' is exactly what Rasberry does in his autobiographically hermeneutic process. Though his process is complex, it is also clear—we can 'understand' it. It is grounded, he goes to great lengths to keep us informed—to tell us what is happening, without being didactic. He invites us into the 'tangle' in a loving, caring manner—he does not threaten us— he coaxes us forward, gripping us in the process. Rasberry's artistic medium of poetry falls easily onto the page, sculpture is not so immediately accommodated. I do, however, introduce sculptural elements that have conceptually larger domains, and by 'pushing form,' and using what I term a footnoted hermeneutic approach, I attempt what is personally new.  / saw a boy, his 'yellow head, '* a bare foot dangling— caught in the spokes of his brother's speeding bicycle. Ifroze.  * See prolonged Connelly quote (p- 67) of this document.  / rose to the challenge of Rasberry's 'slippage.'  ** This is in reference to Rasberry's use of the word 'tangle,' his wordplay and his introduction of the notion of 'wordshopping,' (see* note #4).  Astrand, a hair(o thread) ties time of beingto being becoming.  Session  I The research methodology that we choose as educational researchers shapes our understandings of our landscape(s) (Fels, 1998, p.28).  I see something, but I don't know what it is:  In By the Light ofAnecdote van Manen (1989) discusses how the anecdote can be both a pedagogic tool and a methodology: "anecdotal narrative allows the person to reflect in concrete ways on experience and thus appropriate that experience. To anecdote is to reflect, to think.... anecdoting ... prepares the space for hermeneutic phenomenological reflection and understanding" (p. 232).  When is a page not a page?  "You've just got the big swimming pool, and man, is it deep."  ' It is like building a sculpture. I take raw material and workshop it for prolonged periods of time until I 'feel' the connections that I am making begin to gel, and from what was an empty 'page', space. it configures into something with meaning to itself, to me, and hopefully, to its viewer (reader).  1  " I am writing about a group of people who spent a great deal of time writing; this needs to be stated explicitly, no matter how obvious it may seem" (Rasberry, p. 73).  It's still too early in this process. This process of writing— of writing as Sculpture.  Astrandofhair (a  thread)  "... my "researcherly" text provides an invitation to ties time interpretation-made-more-visible, as well as more of beingto being becoming. question-able; it offers ways to become curious about time,..." (Rasberry, p. 149). Feathers dance curl strands  Session II Cut  Since Daily Cuts and Ties (1978) I have been utilizing hair growth as a time documentation device (see Lupri, 1985). 2  2  With long hairthere are longer intervals between cuts than with short hair - more possibility to remember the circumstances. For instance, on our last weekend in France afteran eight month sojourn in May of 1997, the cut was held on a windswept, two footwide top floor deck of an apartment building suite we were being lent. The deck looked out over the sand washed beaches of St. George de Didon, merging with the beaches of Royan. The same beaches and town thatthe Allies bombed to oblivion atthe end ofthe second world war. (The hair now grows gatheringthe frays of intelligences, awaiting the next cut... my dissertation defence?) Garry Rasberry'shairgrowstoo...  Royan's cathedral of Notre Dame was rebuilt, between 1953-1957, as a symbol of renewal. It is a modern structure in the best sense of the word, still the focal point of the city. It is truly a glorious space to be in - to breath in. It is a soaring central clerestory of poured concrete topped with a sway back roof. "... both in learning to teach and in learning to talk (Calgary's Saddle Dome is a more pronounced version / write about time from the middle of the tangle; of the same concept). The then 'state of the art' ( Rasberry dwells on this notion of the 'tangle'— engineering produced a the 'tangle' that he is obsessively embroiled in. He wonder of visual delight. suggests, correctly in my opinion, that it is only by Still apparent forty years staying in the 'tangle' and reporting on it from later, even if showing its within, that he can remain truthful to his quest, age in cracks and mildew. which is, "a study of the self studying education" [p. I spent hours sitting 106].) 3  3  4  4  breathing - being in the  it is an invitation to consider how we are made different through the relations that researchly texts make available. Researchly texts offer ways to address these kinds of questions by inviting us to become curious about our own learning, our own writing (our own sculpture), our own researching. Researchly texts create new conditions of learning that enable the making of insight, the ability to discover what it is we are learning, writing, (sculpting), researching, through a reading of our own experience of researching" (Rasberry, with my inserts, p. 149).  fullness of this structure.  (The shards of light that penetrated the interior, as the immense organ blasted thunderous discordant sound, sent shivers up my spine.) full memory, cutting hair.  I have read this before I have never read this before this is 'monkeymind' clearing t o 'wildmind.'  Rasberry details his struggles with Natalie Goldberg's (1990) concept of wildmind writing. We eavesdrop on his circling as he endeavours to free his conscious mind from the clatter of the incessant chattering of monkeymind. Once achieved, wildmind writing over takes the chatter and 'real' writing happens. This seems to me a companion concept to Mihayli 5  5  Reading Writing Research/Researching Writing through the poet's i reminded me of the 'experiences' of reading and listening to the musician John Cage. 1 first read Silence (1973), a paperback containing writing and lectures from 1939 -1961.1 listened to him read from Rotunda in 1985, in Toronto, at a New Music series. 6  Ra - ta - ta - tat What I perceive to be the similarity between Rasberry and Cage—Cage and hermeneutics—is the circular repetition of ideas in a sequentially accumulative manner (serial music) with constant variations. Silence can be opened and read at any point: it is multi-layered, it works concurrently with itself. It is a book of 'Hyper Text' before the medium existed. Gary refers to the need for his book to be enhanced with the "click here" miracle (p. 76).  Csikszentmihalyi's (1990) concept of 'flow', which he described as "the state in which people are so involved in an activity that nothing else seems to matter" (pp. 3-4). He recognized the difficulty of finding 'space' . Wildmind writing is 'flow'.  In reading Writing Research/Researching Writing through the poet's i— I feel peace. (The piece) runs through me as I read — i t is "Cagian." 6  I enjoy footnotes. To become involved in the text, the text as paper, as tangible object, as sculpture.  " I am trying to check my habits of seeing, to counter them for the sake of greater freshness. I am trying to be unfamiliar with what I'm doing" (Cage, 1973, p. I06). 7  Astrand (a thread)  tiestime of being  Session III  Rasberry invites us to, "Read/Write/Read the text in whatever way you see fit" (e, p. 22). After an initial 'roaming' I settled to fully engaged reading, reading footnotes as they were entered, relishing in the 'knowing' that I was enjoying it. I no longer wondered if I should be reading another text, my monkey mind hovering over and above my readingmind insisting that there must be another text, somewhere over there, which will be MORE engaging, MORE amusing. MORE my thesis. 1  The sun streams warm; as I catch the 'Blue Bus' over the Lion's Gate I want to let go: 8  8  (white bus pink bus rain bus blue bus)  I want to be able to write densely, clearly, freely. To think again of the power of language.  There were moments when I was swimming in his prose, as effortlessly as in a lake on a perfectly clear day.  The notion of swimming in a lake and being in a state of perfect balance with nature—at a liminal point—(in water we ARE IN nature), is taken from a telephone I 'flipped a coin', comment I heard recently on CBC radio. The topic was to so to speak, relate a seminal moment you knew through your body. That to begin. moment of oneness, I would conjecture, is universal, as we float in the embrace of water, however, the difference for me I see the"... broad stone wallflickingalive small lay in the articulation of being greenflamesofLizards"(Connelly, 1993,cited 'held' by the water—suspended, in Rasberry (p. 13), and continually, atalisman if you will, between heaven and through the labyrinth [tangle] of researchingthe self hell, life and death- held in researching), amniotic perfection by nature snaking below the high balance herself, this image was related in such a manner that it is now —people charged with meaning. It is this "featureless, really, atthis distance" (Connelly, 'body knowing' which Connelly 1993, cited in Rasberry, p. 33) eludes to when she writes, "The walking—running. thud bangs in my bones as I realize what I've seen" (Rasberry, p. 44) 9  9  There could be evil lurking below in the corner of the dark forest,  As I read Rasberry, there were two distinct occasions when my monkeymind interrupted my reading with, "where is Connelly' s wall—I want the wall—I need to feel that peace of reading the wall." Both times I was rewarded, within a paragraph, by the rhythm of her lines coming back to haunt. I felt I was in touch— in tune, connected to Rasberry's work on another level—a poetic level? There is that rhythm which is poetry, which is his writing, which is research, which is sculpture. 10  "Still, from the wall, the scene gleams, glassed over, lovely. Buttheviewincludesthe road, which I watch in amazement. The thud bangs in my bones as I realize what I've seen. A child and a car have collided with the grace of birds; it was choreographed, herskippingdown offthe path and the black swoop of mettle speeding around, catching heratthe waist. Her screams mistaken for a seagull's. There are thirty people behind me, oblivious as I watch a shadow dyeingthe road (it does not even appear red—simply dark, like dirt spillingfrom a bowl of yellowfiowers, her head)" (Connelly, 1993, cited throughout Rasberry— This extended quote is found on p. 44) as a river flowing—pedagogical cleansing the rocks as it passes).'  0  "Although our pedagogy is not usually life and death, still there is the shadow" (p. 44). In the writer's workshop studied by Rasberry - in the writer's workshop utilizing the concept of 'wildmind' writing, the preset-vice teacher was given the freedom", the s p a c e , to write. We experience the preservice teacher's early hesitation at such liberty, watch as it falls away over the course of the study— over the course of the course (wordplaywordshopping)—the reader becomes enthralled with the realization that this workshop succeeded! That these preservice teachers did begin to write away from monkeymind, that wordplay began its magic on the blank page, began its process of winding towards that which it had not been before ...  yellowfiowers 'yellow head' " The preservice teachers were encouraged to engage in a Carl Leggo project, to leave the classroom and "look for something wonderful. Sit for fifteen minutes and write..." (Rasberry, p. 175).  1 taught 'Explorations,' a course, much as the name implies, to encourage the knouritu), blindly with- words" (Cutout, 1993, student to explore outside cited, in Rasberry, fy. 14). of the confines of the other mandatory art classes; a class that was outside the art paradigm. To engage in I know this class. I have taught this class.' discussion as art, research as art, ethnography as art, personal reflection and narrative as art. The class hinged on an 'open discusIt is the class that creates freedom for sion with moderator' forthe student to find their inner creative self, mat, discussions built— while still adhering to, and meeting the 'following the threads'. "... toritintj U whatyou-cannotknow before-  12  you- (uurt- written: it Ujtreknotvituj and* not  curricular expectations. The class gave the s p a c e to breathe and discover.  / learnt as much as my students.  It pushed the students out the doors; to the parks, to the islands, to roller blade, to fly, to collect, to grab at life as it fleetingly passed. To comprehend the narrow edge that is Gadamer's (1986) horizon.  This format was enacted to inhibit (or at least lessen) monkeymind. Each student had to 'LISTENLOUDLY' —to add to the 'whole.'  yel/owf/owers 'yellow  head'  13  Hans-Georg Gadamer's study of philosophical hermeneutics talks of the never static horizon line, as you gain knowledge the horizon is pushed, never to be reached. The horizon is in perpetual motion in a thinking, active, creative being.  13  Rasbeny's students were pushed to try out their wings and see that they could fly. It was successful as an 'enabling' class in that it gave The edge that is the real. students the opportunity to grab what they could find in the real "WtUyouJvu>urthUUaMaly-slttituj, ifyouseallywtutftobe&iuutitt moment, to bring back and to yet out there, ajwt* be one." scud, aro UfUuKtud.profetsor Uv my BFA reflect upon the found—the gathered—the collected bits and program* This seemeitto uiiAermin&the-entire eHterprUethative. pieces of their lives—of others' were engaged, ut< However, I iwuruncUrst&nilf tku ityour decree, lives—the 'tangle' of all our Kotmuu,you.MurttKtdc£-ofitwkatyou,unlL lives, to work together as a group.  Session  IV  14  15  London, England, 1977-78.1 am working for a Rasberry preferred to use the word 'invited.' This invitation was year at Sothebys, training in the etiquette of the supported and nurtured by the trade. I have recently completed my BFA and 'group' and a cushion was created so that the student did not feel the adore this vibrant city, exploding with art and 'push.' culture, but not 'feeling' like I fit the mould. Although I greatly appreciate antiques, I do not There was engagement in process. like to appraise them. I love to run my fingers Jarvis (1992) talks to this over ancient objects, to 'feel' their being. An 'tangle' in his existentialist object is imbued with history whether it be from statement: "Human beings are always in the process of the sidewalk or a castle, however, this system becoming...time does not stand only wants the castle's goods. This I understand, still, and so the process of I simply don't want to join. I must be well becoming continues for as long as there is life" (p. 101). This dressed, wear a tie and look respectable at all times, this too I accept. This is part of the game, suggests constant development and change (within the tangle) are however, I am fighting inside, this is not how I necessary components for want to be. learning. It is in being and becoming that the authentic I begin a documentation series of hair and reflective person presides, ties, simple subversions. I allow a forelock to expressing independent thought to grow—combed into the whole—invisible, but arrive at a creative and critical state. When considering this in equally independent, a daily change of tie—not relation to teaching, Jarvis makes visible—hidden under the guise of normality. an interesting point: "both They fit with no threat—but with a thread. Their creativity and criticality imply that nothing should be beyond the subversion is limited to 'knowing,' and few do. This does not change the photographic action of scope of reflective thought and nobody should stand above or placing into historical context. The months pass. beyond the possibility of This self knowledge feeds the spirit within. contradiction..." (p. 114). Jarvis 14  15  Later in 1978,1 am at a colleague's party. He comes towards me, pulls at the forelock not held down by the vigour's of protocol, he jabs at me, "why do you have this thing? why are you doing this to us?" I don't remember my words, I only remember the feeling of wanting to let go,  quotes Freire to further illustrate this point: "Through dialogue, the teacher-of-the-students and the students-of-the-teacher cease to exist and a new term emerges: teacher-student with studentsteacher" (p. 144).  "to swim in the liminal pool" I can see clearly my tall host going to a drawer and returning with scissors. In a slurring blurred manner he threaten to cut, to emasculate. My inner self screams, this is not what this is about. I stand still—a pacifist's stance. My challenge provokes (unintentionally). He cuts, gone, thrown to the ground. My thread to self, my thread to what I wanted. I don't remember how I felt (immediately), betrayal most probably. But how could they understand? I had never talked about it. The depth of commitment, an action that was holding me in its arms of other-ness, that was giving meaning beyond the every day—connecting me to a world beyond mere commodity, threading me to a world of sculpture.  * 1 I 'saw' footnotes and text running concurrently—(side by side)—two stories coming together, held by a common denominator, a writing of research, a research of writing. I 'saw' s p a c e to breath. I 'saw' time slowing down as text takes hold, as time is inverted by the very nature of words, on paper, being read as something new. As meaning is found in the reflective moment of each individual' s connection with words.  / can only help you on your way and while I'm doing  The 'play' that is yours dear reader. IstiUjeelitumharstu ttelLmystudents, IprefaceitivitUstory to softentke-bleur. *2 I wanted to footnote the footnote. Now that I have Learning to Learn reached the conclusion of this small writing, I could go on, "... It suggests, contrary to many of our pedagogical but I must stop. This has assumptions, that learning to teach has more to do with already taken more time than learning to leam. Teaching and learning are in this way it should. That is good - that profoundly connected" (Rasberry, p. 108). is bad. I become obsessed This learning to leam' is similarto Gadamer's with the drafting and the redrafting, the hermeneutic (1986) reflections on the dialogue with art. It is the edge process, I can print new of one's beingthat must be continually in motion versions, try new configuratowards that which has not been created, to be in the tions, but I must call a halt. game. This is the essence of the creative self when engaged: learning to leam. This is what Writing *3 Talking to myself after I've research/researchingwriting through a poet's i does. been writing and rewriting for The freedom tofindself is so foreign in the weeks. I constandy return to pedagogies ofthe contemporary classroom, its Rasberry and become overcurricular value is so questioned, so doubted... whelmed with the depth of the that, I'm baby-sitting.  ... "Oh you're in Playdough Leggo's section. I heard it was slack-assed" (Rasberry, p.175)... not seeing the depth, the trust, the freedom, the reality of the play.  work. How it places itself so succinctly into the field, how the hermeneutic approach is substantiated by my continual obsession with it. I really do want to unravel it, not so much to get at his meaning, but because I know it reflects my meaning.  Epilogue ISAYAGAIN: (to write this) It's like buildingasculpture. I take raw material workshop it for prolonged periods oftime, until I 'feel' the connections I am making begin to gel. What was an em pty' page', space, configures into something with meaningto itself, circling back hermeneutically to you (dear reader).  *3 "Never does one open the discussion by coming to the heart of the matter. For the heart of the matter is always somewhere else than where it is supposed to be" Minh-ha, 1989, cited in Rasberry, p. xv.  Hair once living now claims its space as sculpture with anecdote, anecdote with sculpture.  Four To-cull/for OmutfaaatiA/e' capacity i&toworhforthe/alrility to look/at thtng&cwif they  ccnAld  be/otherwise/. To afhfor  iAaten&ified/  realisation/fato ^ee/eachperxmy reality muttbe-uyuler&ocrdtobe/ interpreted/ experience/ - ayid/ that"the/ mode/ of iAaterpretatiorv depe^^a^ on/hly o^ her nti^^ (Greene/, 1995, p. 19) 72  February 18, 2002 I write to Jazz, a perfect rhythm for hitting the keys, to see if I can find the spaces that I want to open. I said I will write for the next three weeks straight, collect everything! There is the debriefing I want to do with the research group, some interviews and voices from other places. Oh to allow the generative spaces to form.  There have been other dreams too, other pullings of the spirit forward.  These last few days have been full of my being sick. I am teaching my regular Saturday 70  class; feeling a little better I went, but by the time I got home I thought I was going to collapse. My eyes were watering, nose running and filling at the same time: The strangest part is the nosebleeds; from no where blood flows.  I've been reading things that point me in a direction. I've been talking to people, I can feel my mind churning - "see, everything is pointing to where you're supposed to be going" my inner voice chides, keep your faith in the project. (lBa<t  S  oj/te-a c W i ,  t  <^eX iX clavJn., V)JIM  not  HJce  S  v)xunJC  ka;  <XA Aaan, aA S  jii-cJc u p . - t X c  This process of doing...  It's like I have to listen to my own words - to listen to my own teaching. Let go ... let go  Follow and you will find  j/UA/t  <x ^JLxnJic (JbedL  cuv3  tfveAa \An, t  aruij/fclwuj, fl^cte.  la Ae&.  A haphazard fragment from jazz pop tune floats through my buzzing head: Birthday cloths hit the floor and explore those Topside toes ...  'I teach a Fundamentals of Sculpture class at The Emily Carr Institute of Art and Design. 73  Talking to a fellow graduate student the other night I hear myself going on and I think, hey that sounds good, you've got to write that up. Sounds like you do know what you're talking about and then it runs away again. That seems to be the way of it, as I try to cruise into another zone - to go somewhere else in my writing self. As I was saying, I've been fighting a cold for the past five days and feel like it gets better and then I seem to drop down again. Walk in the trees this morning.  What questions should I be asking? I have to remember what I am doing here. I am trying to stay inside, to transmit the reality of the writing process as research. Yes, that's it, the fire slowly burns out and my feet can feel the chill of the rising heat line. My head too hot My feet too cold  I can feel my eyes getting heavy, (sometimes a little nap is a good thing). LOTS OF THIS GETS TOSSED BUT EVERY NOW AND THEN I TAP INTO SOMETHING THAT NEEDS TO BE SAID and then I get to harness it, maybe even going further than I knew I would or could.  Looking out the window of the living room just now, with the fire burning behind me, in an almost too hot room (still working on my flu remedy). My youngest son comes home asserting that he too is really sick. I make him some chicken noodle soup. I see the stream flowing gently and I drift back to the dream and think, maybe it's telling me to see it here. That I need to stay centered right here - right inside this space. Part of my problem has been this flitting around, trying to find where to start. It was as though once again I'm being told, Here it is, just look and see, in here, the space is open if you want it you don't have to go somewhere else to find what you want it is inside 74  As I went for a walk with Jean I suddenly felt an overwhelming thought wave  Yes, lam doing it this is what I am doing, being in the midst of process - what I saidl would do, -  .J^a/m.  It was like I had suddenly seen through to the other side. It is similar to listening to Olympic medallists reflect on visualizing gold, well I am visualizing this over. Frustration can be allowed in, however, on the whole, I feel tranquil  in the doing of this. This space, my living room, a place to sit and write with afire burning.  (I must plug this computer in tonight as I am down to 30 minutes. The battery life is still an illusion of time that somehow is there and then is not. I get sucked into University politics, this whole thing with 'The Palace' and its use, I find myself being more and more aware of how much of myself is eaten up by things that have little relevance to this writing.) Orange pedagogy:  lfl never know wkat 1 am kuiCding wky am 1 driven to kuifdit? scvdpt it?  write it? 71  This refers to the embodied space that an artist creates from. When an artist creates he/she is  subsumed into / through the process. 75  Once we see the mold on an orange, that lush fur of gray/blue dust,  ^UJW- -trve c o t e QAJC di ^afflb, psi&ty  dlamanXA.  a truth,  once you can see mold, it may be a cancer. We must find it with/in a 'metonymy of place,' hidden behind the walls of text and explanation, that Cartesian feeling of safety, that illusion of knowing, as though any one can actually 'know.' Know what? We know much. We know as much as the collective consciousness wishes to know. No more, no less what happens when we crack an orange ? what falls out? released smell strength of smell fills nostrils and demands recognition not to be let off the hook that easily  The orange, once decked with white fuzz of mold spores, H cdteadLj, lodt (to eating). As mold starts below the surface, the orange has already been 'uied ot. eate*t' by the mold itself.  76  'Wego to performances,... when we want tAe unexpected, tAe dark, tAe com tAe inexpiicabie.... wAen we want borders between our daiiy iives and our imaginative iives to bend andbiur a itide" (EtcAeilr, 1998, p. 3J). "There is little point in cutting off the moldy parts thinking you are ridding the cheese or bread or orange of the mold, it is already present throughout. That is why a moldy piece of bread, even though only visually moldy in one place, will still taste of mold, the mold has already taken over." So said Dr. J. Mayer-Smith in animated conversation, as she explained the molding process, having spied a moldy orange in Rita's bowl. Her excitement was palpable, her 72  pedagogy alive and vibrant. Contemplating the mold on the orange, not only for its esthetic beauty, which had been my response to the phenomenon, but now for an organic understanding of a whole culture that I had not considered previously. As Dewey (1934) insists, heightened awareness to all aspects of life are the hallmark of true experience: Instead of being shut up within one's own private feelings and sensations, [experience] signifies active and alert commerce with the world; at its height it signifies complete interpenetration of self and the world of objects and events ... Because experience is the fulfillment of an organism in its struggles and achievements in a world of things, it is art in germ. (p. 19)  .73 Is there a code to crack?  To hold down and then decipher in some new way? .<y cZt^tUJ^i^xO'  (Zt^cO eA}e/L^yu^ui'  t<y tzvotci  to avoid placing secrets to the page  72 73  (June 4, 2000) What are the questions? How do I open to the question of my own doing? 77  I want to allow the sculptured textu(r)al text to grow in front of me. To see it grow in my mind's-eye, to allow the performative to become.... Tor the metonymic tojfowjrom those hidden (s)y(f)aces, needing to hefiffedwith the channefing of syirit/thought  spaces in between the artist / researcher / teacher / scholar. (I don't feel connected to any of them)  But I want to crack them. I want to find generative feeding ground. I don't want 'curriculum as plan'. I want LIFE. I want the word to become alive. In Aoki's (1996) words: In our curriculum landscape, it is a space that knows planned curriculum and live(d) curriculum, a space of generative interplay between planned curriculum and lived curriculum. It is a site wherein the interplay is the creative production of newness, where newness can come into being. It is an inspirited site of being becoming, (p. 11)  $fuA  fiape.  pwfaxmance  id, cm  e£n\tuicpMj3$iLc account pMA&nXcd on, be$va%f of nujA&ff  of'borne un3e^dfa/n3incf,  {*3*e$iaA,  in  tfie.  1999, p . 10). SnZz^Atcmdltv^.  I love theater for this reason, to see the performative word, to see the word made flesh through acting/action of people, to see real, living, breathing persons on a stage is a place of energy and transformation, to realize that this is new, has never been seen before, in this unique 78  manner. As when I see 'the paper creations' of my students when they do the first 'folding paper' exercise. I know we are reaching a place of performative belonging. The pedagogical challenge is to keep that space of open creativity embodied (alive to each student).  74  0*te  tAe modt esidetsutta^ tAemed i*t defence astcifz/utadapJty Id  tendiatt teta/eett wdiat catutat te Jutaum attci expsieddeci. ft telieve tA tAid aafi id tAe modt tadic ette/iay tAe creative dp&tit, and 3 dee *ta /leadati ta ledalue tvi t^Uttp ctadasie ta tAe te*iduw>. (, 199SL, p. 31) February 19, 2002 Last night's dream was trees. I was working on bamboo. I know I must write immediately on waking, as now I can't quite recall and I feel a pressure to get onto other things. It was something about parts of the bamboo being dead. I cut before I understood what I was doing and eliminated the only two live branches on the tree. I thought I was doing the right thing only to find out that it was wrong. How often does that happen? I wanted to capture that metaphor but instead I turned on the computer to look at e-mail and then just as I was finishing that the phone rang to tell me....  (Next day as the sun shines someone on the bus said:  "Such a beautiful day, it's hard to work inside. Why couldn 'tit rain all next week?  This doesn 't make sense since he was working this week any way, or at least it di sense to me.) I love to leisurely listen to the conversations of others  79  The sun comes out, I can go outside and do some work at tying up yard-trimmings, an hour or so of fresh air, and then I have to get Jean's pills. An interesting thing here is the prescribed ending that may be on its way. I will be forced out of my office, which I need to be as I have had my four years, my time is up. I was envisioning using the destruction of the space as a metaphor for what it is I am trying to do. The tidying up of loose ends that can no longer be left out to dry as with all of these I get the idea and then it dies ( rather the Idea is planted and i seem, to forget that a seed tatees time to germinate - -patience as a virtue sometimes forgotten in this exercise).  I have one kid home sick today and the other should just And on and on we go  I am not fully recovered from this cold. I still feel a little out of it, at the beginning of the day think, oh yah, I'm much better, and then it seems to creep back in that I am not better yet. My back is killing me and my eyes are still watering. Oh well at least I am writing something, but maybe I'm wasting my time with this. No, because this is what I said I would do, follow the process to see where I am . It's 75  that thing of thinking we can actually know that gets us in trouble; it's hard to let go of the certainty principle. I am tired, I feel like I could sleep forever and then when night comes I wake up and want to read all night. Cy^yuicMy 6eri66led nolo le- wuj<ieffm a/nUei/xdio/v efe6ea/x/n^ /Ae eiale/i/of/Ae wri/l/ny:  The problem here is that I am writing from inside, knowing that I will have time to go back and (re)read, edit, (re)edit, again and again, form and create, (Ut9 itdlAovU /don't do*M  75  tUe pAoceil).  This, however is also what I wanted to capture, what is usually edited out, I wanted to leave in, it seemed this struggle would tell me something. As yet I am still feeling for it, but I (do) trust the concept of being able to build once I have something to build with. 80  e/cJ/M'e, Acwer/e* das/fa ce'/tcecte  Watching the Olympics last night I saw an interview with Kelly Law of the Canadian curlers and in it she talked of being in process. (I will see if I can find that quote. I am trying to fix the Word program on the other computer as the scroll bar has mysteriously disappeared.) Everyday I wake up and I think, this is it, I am going to start today, and every day I feel the slide of other things taking over. I feel a sort of nervousness that I am once again going to allow myself to be eaten up, but then I am reminded of the process, that this is all part of it. I 76  have no control - well that is crap! Everyday I say to myself, I need a goal. What I am referring to here is that place when a creative project takes over my life. I know this (s)p(l)ace well from my years of studio work. I both enjoy and dread it. It is so consuming that it affects all aspects of my life. I cannot deal with the regular everyday calls when I am in this (s)p(l)ace. Everything gets subsumed by the project. This (s)p(l)ace is not good for my marriage, my responsibilities to work and teaching, as it does not favor outside disturbance. I know that I will need to book off real blocks of time, to allow this,  76  envelopment in process,  I am fortunate to have a place on Denman Island that I can disappear to. I bring all my food, I take the dog, and I can quite literally see no one for two weeks at a time. It is here that I have come for three large chunks of time to wrestle this text to the ground. To allow the process of sculpting the text into a dissertational form to take place. Without this ability to write in an enclosed, disruption-free zone, it is very difficult for this to happen. If you are interested in an excellent study that visually reveals this concept, I refer you to Cawelti, Rappaport, & Wood, (1992), Modeling artistic creativity: An empirical study.  It seems an opportune moment to place a lengthy quote from Trinh Minh-Ha (1991) as it pertains to a collection of everyday thoughts, trials and doubts as I followed this process, my research methodology (as cited in Neilsen, 1998, p. 112): Like the outsider, she steps back and records what never occurs to her the insider as being worth or in need of recording. But unlike the outsider, she also resorts to non-explicative, non-totalizing strategies that suspend meaning and resist closure. ... She refuses to reduce herself to an Other and her reflections to mere outsider's objective reasoning or insider's objective feeling.... She is this Inappropriate Other/Same who moves about with 81  Those research help tips I plastered on the wall all talk about goals and I know it's true. Without the goal it disappears I will be lost again. A gorgeous day. Maybe I will walk with my lap top along the water's edge, maybe I'll see if I can combine the process with the doing. I sit as the computer crunches in a reloading of Microsoft Word. ^j«/t <tX Utve, acwrve time,, S  <XA <x AcxanXiAt, S iuvS^vtatvfi VruxX X$UA llcxiu. iA a, IS>AUX\ oj?  YTUJXQAAAXH i/nXeA/xcXX/ynA. S a , V}$WA& clo vie. aXa/it'? S&, nvuvcl ^I^vt, QA, iA maXXeA, ^AAX. TDeff, nux^Le,  JUXAX  aj? Urw, <xnAv)y&A, iA tXXaX Vrwve, iA a, CMXX\ tX\e/ve,, VruxX Jo&epA. cj^uvcj- a^otuvS, a/r  Vrw, yVco&Xem, iA XAA^A\<^ ta Aey\a>vaXe, it •au- CA\XXinA^ it at one, jaowvt in, tinve. {T)<x/ve£a,,  1996, jx. 239)  Just like the Olympic hopefuls have to visualize the end result, so I keep visualizing an end of this process.  The cycle is finished. Time for the next chapter! K^f/ i.6j(MWij/' /ww- yuui/rl/- t/i/6 /taA e/ia/n^ed /ww- allof a 6udde/v ^fh/ncw i_fta/mft/n,(j6/b ed  (yew, cvvv mteMtuyYuzlly cra<$civvy [placed/ fcrotvwte/ member a* it may Kelp dlirruptthl^ cocky v\jotLovy). always at least two/four gestures: that of affirming "I am like you" while persisting in her difference; and that of reminding "I am different" while unsettling every definition of otherness arrived at. This is an absurd entry, I am not even a quarter of the way into the collection of text data, or my target set of writing-time. What I am getting at is:  77  a//eel6ngp- o f  I hav& parted/ and/ a &artiY\fy infers a finishing. 82  I think I am possessed with writing something new when in fact I want to write something quite old. I want to enter a world that is (possibly) lost, shattered by the stress and strain of a contemporary world view of consuming and eating beyond our abilities. And yet I work by the beach bring a laptop to the water's edge  Sa  'veArvaln. in, -trve ajio/rXa, <trvi&. ja£cuce oj? tt\e, iJ(/iAU^a£e,,  ACUJA,  no, oytXcJc ta  di,  OA  S  in&i&t tnat  vlitJh, <tfve -IGU5& -trie. jKuvt -trvtee  3<x^A  ana  i&atW^ S S  ^edl  JcnaMl  aA  t^cuSutg, b&canrveA atve, ana nu^ v)A^e,  a\hat\t ta He cX noma taniat\)i  t$w, aAx\t\,  aeeji  tSbe,  $IAA£  na,  dtXe,  S aa node, ta j m o J i tt\e, ^yuiXrvcj. out tJlwau^t KLCQAAQA  v$\J2A/i, it  QAXA  a/Aaitina,  it. nateA  'veieaAe,.  Walk 3 I had to escape the house as I walk with the dogs, I realize that is what studios are for  I am writing in the dark, only the letters in front of me to help me on my way. I wish to conserve the battery life, so I turn the screen off as most of the time I don't look at it any way. I try to write every day -1 try to find a rhythm to it, seems I am constantly thwarted, but that is an old story I want to enter a new story I have yet to find the flow 83  bea  naA  inAAiJib, tfliaJC it id- ^uvc.  inAi2le,  tt\at o X e a tXaikX, tt\at S aa IvaAk. ta d/ttuj. vtitn it/in.  ana  a& (JLe,  S  that allows the writing to find itself to find that place that is deep inside so I left the house realizing that is what a studio is for  - it is outside the 'house,' the 'home,' that place of family, that always seems to gobble up time. Coming to the beach can be my studio  My place to create that which is already there, but is still new for me. Where was it I was reading about not liking competition, no it wasn't reading, it was watching a video on the Canadian artist Jessica Stockholder (1998). She talked of the notion of criticism not sitting well with her, that talking with students about their art was not about some game of negative analysis of the form, but rather, a generative discourse, a moving forward through the process of doing. I have always felt the same way about criticism. That it should indeed be a generative experience for all, a moving forward through the process of doing that gently elicits an inner being from the depths of the student-becoming-artist, an ongoing pedagogical hermeneutic.  "3)aed a fall boom cutd a^te^aud a/zpJaude mean we cdl apiee?" * 7  Anne Schaef's (1998) 'Living in Process' brings our awareness to the fact that in contemporary society we are all so lost within the process of living, that the process of the world is not allowed to live. Is it possible that it is similar for our schools? That it is a process of pedagogy that we are being forgetful of? With all the emphasis on results-based learning we forget the fact that there is a process that needs to be taught through. There is no finished curriculum to life, there is no end (to life) before our death, which we cannot experience, as Derrida (1993) helps us understand with his "Is my death possible?" (p. 22) However, as Nicholas Davey (1999) helps us realize,  Neilson (2002), p. 213. 84  (Re)searching collectively (through) A/R/T Continued It is the process of our A/R/T/S group that I am most interested in; how we move from here to there. We have now met four times. One general debrief of the Dec. 6 performance from which we decided to view the '4 Corners' as a unit, then to debrief that and then meet to look at the articles that Stephanie brought to the table (we were joined at that meeting by Patti Pente). I tape these discussions, using both video and audio, sometimes together, most regularly using audio format. I have used both formats as it gives me a richer set of data to analyze. Different lenses, different points of view. I keep a research journal of field notations, both before and after each session. All of these various formats I use to amplify memory. I can listen to a tape of a session and (re) immerse myself in the moment of the present of that process. We are moving forward we are creating every session brings new insights  "The definitions of things are changing in every context... Is it called something simply because of some other identity category?" (Rita, research group transcript, Feb. 15, 2002).  "A  O O O ^ i O W O f c d l tlu* cotLcteX  ode*  cLta  COOT79*¥<!riOK) 90dUSfCST90U.oC s e /  85  "freal/yA'/ce the idea of working with images direct/yfo video, yott can (re) research the research of the research" (Patti, researchgroup transcript Fed. J5,2002). THE CAPS KEY .79  keeps getting hit  'Yes,' (refereeing to footnote 78) that is what I am doing - then I get back to the writing and it seems - no -  but that isn't true either. My pedagogical self has been (re)newed and (re)found as the performance theorist Richard Schechner (1993) likes to inscribe words because of performances  "twice behaved behavior" (p. 1). But lets get back to where I want to be, where I want to situate my pedagogy within the work that I want to do.  I started by trying to put a (re) in front of words, that seems so important, to (re)inscribe the past, to put together that which has already taken place, that the performative may be (re)found in a place of telling. Yes, that's it, 79  I often think of Rasberry (2001), when he elucidates on writing's self discovery process as,  ta ententaui oe/dcuM. hmxIU oJ oJpieMio^ui UiAxutcdt wAitlna (  86  in a place of telling,  so that others may see the process more easily, metaphorically that is, because none of this is easy, it just feels that way when on top of the mountain, but there is no way you are going to stay there, it is always toppled by the next and the next and the next To ever think I will mount a mountain see clearly I know is an illusion ( sometimes)  Crazy dogs come barreling back to me spraying rocks all over the place.  A R T (as trust)  [I find myself at a loss. cyiawa- tn-aJt S am ie-aznincj- ta tiAAAt in a, ne-v)-  WXMJ-.  S 3oa t iva/ik. ta He in cXXaA-a^e,, tn-aX, m-cviyae- d-amd$UA\-ci.  convex out vJhetneA, S vie, cX\ binvniy  ^aei idbe,  meelCl  S am jmoJwuj, it at not. Qan it vixyfL ij?  TDctf na, S 3o b-eX\e/0-e, tJluxt tnen-e- naA ta be, ie-a2  o^&i/ie, ^QA, it ta made, |cwtoi3 ta jitui tn-e, ne-v), Wxyiic. ^}Cavl-&^eA,, vie, cannot <  una^Atand,  iw^an-e- vise, a^eX tneA-e,, tnia, can. be, nanA ^an, tnoAe. vlX^nknc^ ^ar-  &ame- JcinB aj!  OAA/ve, neAA a^ jx£ace, a jala/ce. tnaJi Acuyx, iyzA, 3 Wznav), viftwve  S am aouuj-.  87  "It's all right, Jack"  that feeling of closeness - that it all turns out all right in the end.  The Hollywood dream, of Technicolor ladies and little boys all perfectly decked out in shorts the model citizen. I don't want that. Why don't I want that? Seems counter productive ...  It's the constant contradictions, the knowing/not knowing/knowing of a post-modern condition that feeds a creative enterprise.  80  Ahhh Sun shines through a blackened cloud with wonder held a gentle water flutters soft.  I see parades of rocks lined by a tree far off laughter tickles my ear. SO  'cy/ie med^meAame/tfo/AcattJetf/'a/sfoS tf AAyeA M CMMiecfotA<o- /Ae maA/A//^fo-efiwy  jw-fffopeme^Aatt<?'/?/. 3/^w~me(A//a/e 6SfoS/Y/sefomaAe Jctme/A/fty. Ae$>*&/AM matA ^reaAfoe enjifipetfcffo'f// </<y&l-s// / worA /A&f wa^.  'Affrea/fow M a^we&H /AtaA eamwt A  ^oy^am/mee/ 88  Chesca eats a shell and distant rumbles held extended echo abruptly stops.  I look down the beach as Jaala does and I see nothing but I can hear voices in the rhythm of the sea and seagulls gently on iron coloured water land.  ^cm  <  w-e  maAe a new-AeuZ/Xu/pe /vnMa/la.tien'?  t/i.e a/tvkverA to- t/ioAe (/ueAtienA. (QfeowrAe  ^a/>v il/ua/e mea/nlri/j'9*<3$/tea*6/' -J^/vnow-  <  we ewrv/f  Jeeaade we/we  ce-mse/ye/teaS ^ ' t f a w ///setter//  ^ca/nAee we w/Jla/wwe al new- work. Wfie/swcett oft/ie eeii/ereneeA a/iowA new- woi'k to eonti/mud/j/-  -mof/f/n^6n(/a/j'd. (and again there are those loud noises out there in the water)  Oh the sun is fine and reflections make all golden the heat on my face forced smile, as everything feels good and on it goes ...  a  dotutd  Where is the pedagogy of this? Where is the meaning? (to continue on down a trail of trees?) My mind drifts to its own place of stasis, always into process, as it must, for it can never sit still, all of this is in constant flux. It allows for diversity and wonder. I sit on rocks thou(sands) of years old. I sit against a log maybe 75 years old. I breathe air that is new/old, one big organism that pulsates and breathes with me and I with it. 89  (&e/leek  J998,/>.  73).  A connection to the environment in which I live is a pedagogy of life.  A reddish rock proclaims- "see me? I've been washed for months, years, ions and slowly I melt away and new ones are formed." The notion of the slowness of time; never ending change, always present, never letting go, meandering along a road - as I try for the trance of writing that will allow me to forge deeper into that which I am thinking.  Both dogs are here, "hey you've been sitting long enough," one nuzzles my chest, "I thought we were going for a walk -1 thought this was walk time, not sitting time," the other tosses her head. They give up on me and start their wander and sniff routines. The sun no longer heats my face and a breeze picks up and makes me feel a little cooler and a shadow returns to the key board and I once again feel the heat on my face as a cloud shifts. I take a deep breath. I find a rhythm does help when you start writing to fill a void that is a space, that is a volume, that is a day, that is a dissertation. A volume as a cube of text that is filled with the thoughts of so many, such as Hilton Als (2002), who writes for the New Yorker. 90  I read his review yesterday of Kennedy writing on the use of the word 'Nigger.' I have difficulty with contemporary black youths (re)appropriation of the word. I intellectually understand their argument of reclaiming a word that is theirs and thereby (re)honoring it, to give it back its dignity. I respect that as an intellectual stance. However, when my son insists on full volume, heavy bass, black hip hop artists, who's lyrics 'f... this and n  that,' I have a much  harder time accepting an intellectual argument. I want to say, "turn that off. It's derogatory, nasty and why do you listen to it?" At that moment, however, I am reminded of my own youth and how I loved bass, and the upper registers of a whining blues guitar, of a Johnny Winter Blues Band or a Jimmy Hendrix or Eric Clapton on Blind Faith and the drumming and bass of Grand Funk Railroad and Black Sabbath. Those bands I cherished and would play on my portable record player that my mother had bought for me, as she seemed to understand my need to have music more than my father did. These memories nurture a pedagogy of acceptance of change, those stone's ions rubbed  and youths need to have their own styles that push against the norms of the resting mass.  this change and (re)change is how it must be, always is, to remember this, to live this, to allow a living inquiry to be there at all times.  ^duea.tionali/nyiwt/, /A &nle<mi</, a, ti/me of'Ae Ai/mi/nal-a, d/redtoidA//aee~a, /.//me of  <  a//wnda//iee, i/m.ay.</naUon*, a/ndf>o6idt/(//^. (ffJfeowMe, we cam, a/rrjue- ilAaA a/wa//A //ee  way. @M£~a/re a/wa^A //eeomim//,; /////,f/ediaf>!> we a/re a, /i/de more wdAm/y now- /A an w Aeen, to- acce/bt t/ial we walk on 6/u/li/rtg,y/rowid.  (2f\/Shen,. 2002, /,.  209)  That was wild, I just got buzzed by a helicopter. It came right into the beach and sort of did a little dip to me and then continued its inspection of the coastline. It seems to be flying close to shore all the way to Lighthouse Park.  91  "When/ yomeone/ reflects IAV cvcttorv, he (bio) becomes cv researc Lrvtheprcvctice/ content. He/nc^ depewient orvthe  e^cdylUhed/theory cvnd/teohMique/, but (Xrn&tructy cv new theory of t uvnlque-case/" (Short/, 1983).  81  Five  Iviayhe 1 shouidhe codecting threads insteadof trying to weave with wool. Cited in Taylor (1996), p. 28. 92  A n o t h e r storied  shifting ground  I was filling a bath to relieve the tension in my shoulders when I had a premonition, the sort of deja vu that this was a dream or rather I was at the edge of a dream. I liked the sound of that:  the edge of a dream It was the water splashing, its spray against the white enamel bath tub that I have washed in since my childhood, the remembered films of my sister and I standing naked together about 3 and 5 years old. We used to love to watch that film and then one day we became embarrassed by it, those changes of maturity,  that lost innocence of tender youth. M y sister had all the old films transferred to video, we could now have them transferred  to CD.  And on it goes... Back to the dream and the water and the white tub and the speck of bath dirt that I was  endeavoring to remove with the spray when all of a sudden I was on the edge of a dream. It was rich and full, a real story. How is that connected to this dissertation collection of data that I need before I can even begin to try to do something with it?  oh but it rang true I immediately headed upstairs to get the thoughts on paper before I lost the moment and now I need to get back downstairs before the bath overflows - trying to keep up with the rush of it all, as it cascades down the stairs into new territory. I hear the dreaded words, iti.6 aeotd/xdL how time changes when I want it to remain constant and I cannot follow the way it goes. Now I cannot even have the bath that I was looking forward to, everything conspires against the living that one wants (sometimes). I really do find it hard to believe that bath went from empty to full in such a short time, usually I am on top of those sorts of things, in fact I was on my sons' case about always filling the bath too full and now I've done it myself  and my shoulders are still painful I need to relax the one place I find it easiest to relax suddenly lost, oh the pain of it all 93  However as McNiff (1998b) soundly reminded me, Art-based research generally does involve more ambiguity, risk and uneven results in terms of end product. But the outcomes tend to be more creative, less mediocre, and more conducive to advancing the sophistication of practice. The final studies are distinctly individuated expressions, more likely to be different from one another than similar. Most important, art-based research corresponds completely to the benefits and difficulties of the process being studied, (p. 38) But still I bite myself  Where am I going with this incessant writing? Believing that there really will be a space of finding something else and in fact ending up at the same place again but still pushing forward, trying to find the next place that I want to go to. Where is it? Where is it that I am trying to get to, in all the hustle and BUSTLE OF THE EVERY DAY WORLD To simply let the rhythm of words pour forth is there any merit in this ? is there any use in this head bashing ?  only to succeed where all else fails - where the underwater begins to lap over the edge of the sink and I lose all track of the initial edge that I was looking for - /Ac- ccAye of//i,c dea/mihut I am trying desperately to see if it bubbles back up to the surface, that it may find a way of adapting the edge into afield and thus begin to unravel and begin to write anew - there is an edge of frustration at losing the bath I wanted. I must have had too much of a mix of cold in the water. Oh well, that is the way of the world. £<n/ cyuteA/ to- oC_U}& U-v f^ooce&A/, coe- xletnff^/ evu-i&t-fcvotlcCfCbte/ un/ oust/  No, it isn't. It has nothing to do with the world, it is a dream I am trying to recall. It doesn't want to pop back in, it seems to want to remain on the outside and be called back into question as soon as I go away <^crtv\ etCi'\-^^it/, J  ^/ x£dicl/, C' oyootof&ei-nA/, itvt- tlve/ce/ CA- alAoa^/  covblv tlh&ew. fff-uuf/ lowest/ cpA>vte/  s-otn^etLMn^/ uyuoeu^  ujl^tzb ^/ t^cczev tlvcew to- $&<^, czeuf tl^eev jf tl^lmf/ op luyoj-  evuz*^/c/ooctftoeiwtt/ tlve/cc a/oe/ afceaui^/ Lev tfx- oao'dict, aeuf C' 'oaztozo tluzt/ ojluzb {/L>€/ arMteev  94  doe&i'vt' axlct  XtoOCy.  ^fL^Zb  /Cs<^> i^nC/  o&>o<^ twAAAil^s  coa^/,  toa/L^w.  to-  cZb tecZi-O,  cS<5- ty  coluzb^  als^eczcL^ Ireeev ^ict.  tlhC^>  t<r  coiily io UAe^tJL.  tvuz{L<y  CrCvb  op  (j'V  5wnCttii'\x]/  oSo-  tLyuoio- tlv&fxyet^A/  //fud-t*  tlhCOly OCOfu i^vUilly  LiA.eteA&y.  IOOA^  (^HJ'oi^lvO,  L<'v  tt&  tL^/ COolls i^et^- to0,001,1^-  033J  I enjoyed the sentiment of this previous quote, to make use out of our trials In the artistic,  nothing wasted, all of use in different and varied ways, that words can add to the worlds good. I look at my trees this way. Today my neighbour said that's what  "9 tell wuj, 6xut ju&t keep, o*t fdanttsta, r  c04WJ4AA&£i04i litem,  9 <iatf to him."  about all the foeei he hoi planted  all o^ litem have a itosuj,.  Ifau  <Lee that  We had a lotta  cut hid, pA&p&ity,. one  "9 httaat all o^  ou&i thesie, that waA dViwe*t  o<ueSi tltat'4, wluf, th&te'd, tltat hole the>ie, 9'ue had to ne^dant them r  timei. "  S  matuf,  2  A long process of doing the word check and thus half (re)reading, (re) entering the spaces forgotten, (before this now) and how different it always is, and how much the same. A here/not here. Through (re)creating (in mind, on paper) - these spaces  82  Mount Arrowsmith suddenly looms orange- pinked behind hallowed forcing foregrounding an image of memory Often hidden in cloud swirls or deep gray mass now and then surfacing into reality I know it's there Now once more hidden  95  do change. It is making concrete or rather giving form to formlessness  An aporia made transparent? "No, you are not French Canadian" the confusion of such a statement in a young boy's mind  I always see that on the winding street up to our house. I was maybe 8-10 years old, 83  when the confusion of "NO! you are NOT French-Canadian" struck. As we are of French decent, and I was born in Canada which part wasn't French, or Canadian for that matter? I was totally confused with this (s)p(l)ace of being. It was precisely the hybrid (Bhabha, 1990a) that I wasn't (apparently) allowed to be, even though my family name is French and I was steeped in family history, able to tell little friends with great glee the rhymed off statement of my Great Great Great Great Great, ("yes, that's five  greats!")**  Grandfather being guillotined, that I was able to flick this off, as a young boy, probably as drawn to the slight cache of such a statement as I was to "My mother's 102",  I riee-this at a precise bend in the road, as it steeply winds to the right outside the driveway of my grade five 'girlfriend' (a story for another day, of the competition with my best friend when he informed me that he too thought she was beautifull yes another day of memory, also large, also at this spot in the road, a road I still walk daily to catch the bus to the University). There is no person that I remember at this spot, simply the statement's memory sits there. Is there a tangled web to my young passion? Did I believe she would think less of me as a French Canadian? All the confusion of youth that plays out in so many places, at so many moments. The autobiographical moments of pedagogy that we can (re)live. To search out the meaning inherent in these (s)p(l)aces that can be opened by the fact that we write. The voice of the excited child in grade two trying to make sense of all the various numbers, times and events of a life. 83  84  96  not understanding the consequence of such numbers all in a row in grade two, what they really meant, as I sat in the back of the Hillman that our Mother drove, or maybe it was the Vanguard, (I remember both these cars with great affection, the Hillman had a fuzzy brown interior like the soft coat of a teddy bear, whereas the Vanguard was a good solid vinyl white, with red seats. I used to run my teeth on the window sill, creating long jagged edges of peeled auto body paint, its silver metallic unearthing an elusive attraction, as we drove along, free, (in those days before seat belts)  to roam the back and challenge my sister to duels that lush fur of gray/blue dust,  to pour over seats, our bodies comfortable a smoothness firm to sit and play on, the seats, red and white with a piping to separate two colours (that hybrid place that allowed two colours to sit side by side and yet be separated and distinct). Hybridity spreading  S. expressed the notion of racism coming from our deep seated fear of hybrid races, 85  that it is in the pureness of lineage that we feel protected. That it is the loss of this fear that leads to real non-racist being in this world.  A fellow graduate student, from the Maldives at the southern tip of India, who drove back from a CSSE Conference in Edmonton with Sam Adu-Poku (now Dr.) and me. We talked to pass the time. There was quiet when we were simply speeding along determined to do the trip in 13 hours. After a hushed silence S. said quietly, "There's a bear." "What?" I say, "I saw a bear," she said again, "sitting on the side of the road." I turn the van around in disbelief and sure enough there scuttled the bulbous body of a young black bear. The excitement in the van amongst my companions, Sam from Ghana and S. was palpable. This was 'real', we were seeing black bears, 85  97  Who is to say? One is colour bound and the other country. France, England, Spain, Egypt, all places my father's family had lived since being hounded out of their native land by Napoleon's forces for Republican rule. (There are losses on all sides.) The Republic of France is not interested in 'owning' their past, an unjust execution of many of its citizens by Guillotine.  Autobiographical Notes  My fifth great grandfather was executed for not being able to produce the papers for his Town house, called La Maison Noble d'Esconge in the ancient town of Bourg. This was a simple revolutionary pretext for stealing land from under him. He was a wealthy land owner and a nobleman with vineyards and other properties. In 1792 he sent his son away as the area was no longer safe with the following words as remembered by his son, some 60 years later, in 1854: Be thankful to providence, my son, that I have had the forethought to put my estates into such a good condition of cultivation and produce as that they are now in, rather than to have obtained for myself an easy income by investments in the Clergy or Municipal Loans or other funds of a similar nature, for I foresee they are going to abolish and destroy all those institutions; but land, at least, they cannot deprive us of, and we shall always be able to live on its produce.' Alas! my unfortunate parent did not foresee that scarce two years would pass away before "they" would incriminate him without cause, and behead him, to possess themselves of his property, (p. 7)  86  as Sam said, "Real Wild Life, This is Wild Life?" The terminology being checked against the reality of our seeing. We turned and continued only to sight another black bear in less than ten minutes. Once again I turn the Van and we are driving along beside another large black bear, I am not stopping as S. hangs out the window snapping Sam's camera and getting that perfect shot as the bear lifted its head and stared straight at S. and she 'knew' this was reality. de Cosson, Alexandre-Antoine. (1854). Description of my models. Printed by G. Witt, 7 Earl's Court, Leicester Square, London. In this publication he describes the three models he fabricated from memory, he says "I began and completed them in from fourteen to fifteen months' time, being in my 84th and 85th years." He introduced the pamphlet thus "these Models represent with great accuracy, though on a very small scale, the four Estates that belonged to my Father, 86  98  My fourth great grandfather, his son, fought against Napoleon as a Major in the National Guard with the Royalist Army that the French Princes, the brothers of King Louis XVI were assembling at Coblentz. This futile attempt to ward off the obvious resulted in his capture and imprisonment at Calais where he escaped to England to join the Emigres. Why do I include this interlude of family autobiography? A patriarchal one at that! Because, I believe, it sheds light on my father's comment, not to excuse it. But to allow for a broader interpretation. A (his)torical (con)text "No! You are not French Canadian.  My fourth great Grandfather managed to make a great deal of money selling potions to the still wealthy aristocrats who had escaped France with wealth in hand. He returned to France in his 80s to buy back the confiscated land, only to find it broken up into too many small holdings with extensive property damage and destroyed buildings. He settled instead in Saint-Denis close to Amboise, in a house called the l'Hermitage where he died an old man of 98 leaving three children. It was his faithful daughter Julia who transcribed his autobiography while caring for him in his old age and who inhabited the house well into my second great grandfather's time. Why stray into/onto paternal family history?  //tetilew/tere c/anqep /t.w/ti,  Monsieur le Chevalier Francois Honore de Cosson, who was put to death by order of the Revolutionary Tribunal, established at Bordeaux during the Reign of Terror, under Robespierre." And he goes on "My Father's property was then confiscated and sold-to my loss, I being his only son. My children having been to visit my native country, and seen the Estates which had belonged to their Grandfather, I conceived the idea of endeavoring to represent them on so small a scale, so perfectly and minutely do I recollect them." 99  //•/tore memew/' 6tcmi iM well,  wafer/a./l"> qwdti/nq fcwe/tM  soaking to our limit  We inhabit a thread connecting the pedagogies of our bodies, our storied lineage coupled by the fibers of our bodies to past Grandmothers(fathers) stories flow through the viscera the very bones deep deep places of hidden meaning that a slow burn of a life-time find one strand at a time.  87  My Father's "No! you are not French Canadian," was a reaction to western Canada's stereotypical understanding of what that term meant. To be called a "French Canadian" had  100  derogatory connotations. French Canadians were looked down upon. My father, a business man on the edge of a new country, in the early 1950s was not a 'French Canadian,' but rather, an upper-class, Cambridge educated entrepreneur, who realized early on that his hybridity, his French Connection, if you will, must be placed in the correct context. "No! I am nor French Canadian!" "No! I am not French Canadian!" "No! I am not French Canadian!" "No! I am nor French Canadian!" "No! I am not French Canadian!" "No! I am not French Canadian!" Nil! [ am nm Fiench Canadian!"  64 a/ tft/enc& ///?/  ///sit/a//wt/ (/ea/'ea/M  My father said these words to protect me from what he perceived as prejudice towards a group of individuals. The underlying prejudice found in, "No! I am not French Canadian!" was only successfully thrown off after the success of the 'Quiet Revolution' of the 1960s, when hippies and drugs were the curse of my parents very sober concepts of propriety.  My  hair and dento shorts heN together fry  threads* Patched of a hundred colours my mother touched with trepidation knowing their disintegration potential after washing another thread would do the trickl  88  Found in a vending box, an almost two year old section of newspaper with an article of a young, upwardly mobile 'Hollywood Actor' from Vancouver who had his van broken into and his belongings stolen. The headline, "Actor Loses His Childhood" caught my eye. How can you lose your childhood? I wondered. His journals and childhood photographs were stolen and he 88  101  I loved to sew those shorts, with no denim left, only patch upon patch that held a fabric lost in patterned chaos. In my mind I still have those shorts somewhere boxed hidden in a vast domain of past  Is \\ as J i t o M e as education? That if we were succeeding as a nation, to educate in the broadest possible terms, we would be addressing these issues and finding answers. that lush fur of gray/blue dust  I mxwXpulat&th&tejtt  was offering a (re)ward to retrieve those precious wor(l)ds, those wor(l)ds that transcribe us him, enough to know he has lost his childhood. To ask "Why?" as Maxine Greene (1995) would have us do, as she calls for a (re)imagining of education in the broadest possible way. She calls for "... breaking free, a leap, and then a question" (p. 6).  lillm am UvoAa udva &tecd a li^e? a jjutute? IntettAeleM,damaaUta action.  ^Jke tiactii, hamxyxliQJUc, dcJioal yasiA bully,. 102  I read Philip Taylor's (1996) 'Doing Reflective Practitioner Researcher in Arts  Education,' not reflection on action, he says, but most importantly in action. He finds support in Shon (1983) whom he quotes, When someone reflects in action, he (sic) becomes a researcher in the practice context. He is not dependent on the categories of established theory and technique, but constructs a new theory of the unique case. (p. 28) February 20, 2002 I am so frustrated .... (A long section detailing my frustrations and anger over obligations I have undertaken as a graduate student) ... ... and so the circle keeps pulling and there is no answer, only the frustration of it, so once again I say breathe deeply; yes I will go back to the drawing board and see where it goes. To allow myself to move through it. To allow the healing of the breath;.... slowly let go and not respond right away. To somehow find the positive in what I feel is a sea of negativity, as the rain falls and Jean tells me I want to throw it all out, it seems to get worse and worse, not better. Yesterday I was ... Oh this is useless. I am supposed to find that cool place of detached serendipity to allow myself to move forward into a place of positive work on my self. What is all this (re)telling me besides I want to escape this self-mandated process! This is constricting. This does not allow freedom. I keep having visions of L'hirondell  89  and La Part Dieu, places where I felt immense peace, where I felt like I was connecting to a 90  larger whole, not being pulled apart by the mish mash of it all. The role of imagination is not to resolve, not to point the way, not to improve. It is to awaken, to disclose the ordinarily unseen, unheard, and unexpected^  My family and I spent an eight month sojourn here in the heart of the French country side, 1995-96. A lay-order of Christians who provide retreat centers throughout the world, started in France by Father Eberhard in the 1960s. I worked on a retreat site building walls for the room's block when I was 18 and have been back to visit as a cousin of mine is a member of the order. It is a profoundly peaceful place. 89  90  103  'ea//// /aAe /Ae Aey/c'r a- tea/A /;?/ /Ae sa/M a/m//§e/A/e eecAa/r e/'P  eAeeAii a/nA^en  faea/Ae art, /A/ri tt/ertArettd A/ty, aA /Ae tteeAil////e t^/> artA-^A/&e/Ae eA///^Art.e At.ea./t/rty / ecrtJert/a/t'ert, /rteaJtt/re t'J AStAep/re&f ^s^mJA^ctm &/O0 -  AS///&/Ae 6^e/*r/.0o>r/,. @  eve/// ^Af/Ate eAa/rflfo'/t,e/^t//, ert, a/ J/t/ea/er '/e•/np,A/<Al,y4eAl/Ae ecA/t/Aret^/rtp'-/rt^,/eeJ. -^/%  <//f/rt.Aa/rt,e/Aerckt/ea/er /<? A'e/j/> /A.e/f//tye/iS^</M^. ^AAtaee /At/ree e/ede//Aett/rt, ree/ftA  "/cj/'/AteeertJert/a//ert, emtA^eti, ett,/yfte/6/Afo a/re /ewer.  A long conversation with Jean as I try using the computer to connect at the same time as I write and low and behold it works.  92  And so we go on.... February 21, 2002 I got to the meeting at about 1:00 and found a relaxed group that was sitting .... ( more graduate obligations imputed as a record of action taken throughout the day).... Once again the computers are not working or rather the internet connection from my office is not working. How many weeks now have we been doing this?  February 22, I write every day in my head. As I walk I write. As I go to sleep I write. As I drive I write, and it always sounds so much better than when I start writing on the key board. However, as a Native Indian Canadian writer on CBC said the other day, "Turn the computer on." To her that was a revelation after months of a dry spell where she was praying and asking her ancestors for advice on how to move forward, and she literally heard a voice that said,  "  ytHi/i computet cut and tnayle  rr can Jielfz yo*t.  Greene (1995), p. 28. We had just installed high speed internet and I was doubtful of its ability to function as advertised. 91  92  104  How is it so different, this writing in one's head? It's true, as soon as I sit down to write it gets jammed, and all those lyrical words of wonder that had been flowing seem to dissipate.  I D o E t  4  As I walked this morning I thought of all the organizing I have been doing to help myself write. I cleared the back room to have a space to dedicate to writing. I cleared my office at UBC and filed all those reams of papers that forever sit on my desk there. And here I am back at my desk in office at home. This is where I most like to be. My original room in this house; the one that I was first given. My father's dressing room and my room combined, with a magnificent view of the garden, an eagle's eye view as the dominant feature, and my desk sits right at the window that opens out to this vista of nature. Today it rains and the stream is filling, a torrent of white foam, a rushing flow rising as the rain continues. The sound also amplified, sometimes I don't hear the constant rushing, although it is one of those things I really do notice when I go up to Denman, the silence of those days is always startling. Here we have a constant rush in the back ground, a sort of white noise that cuts out all other surface noises, we seldom hear traffic except for the occasional blare of sirens and heavy trucks. So back to these spaces I have been working on to help me write. The desk in the back room is now filled up with papers. However, I know I could never write in there. It was an image I had of strewn papers and books, and being able to leave them there undisturbed from one day to the next, that was most attractive. We believe action-orientated inquiry can be used to identify, study and solve real life problems. Education experiences should provide students with opportunities to make personal and contextual connections between their own experiences and significant everyday situation.  93  Brit, Krug, & Sheridan, (1997) pp. 9-10. 105  ?ls 1 fook down, there is a heron wafking sfowfy up the stream, one canfeefits im  concentration, 1 run for the camera, (it doesn't want to work). 1 watch as the heron cC  down the hank and stares intentfy into the cascading rushing water andsuddenfy strike  Wafking awayjrom the hank in its fong heak a ffapping fish, ahout 6 inches ojrainhow tr  the same species we used to catch as kids andjry up as a reaf treat and testament to co  fiving. 1 fook again and the heron is gone, the fishing trip over, the need to move on m important, hut itwiffhe hack.  That was a treat feeds into the theme it's all here in front of me I simply need to become more aware and allow the process to unfold as it should it's about attention  To have an impact on our students is what we as teachers are interested in. We strive to have them see, through our eyes, a life worth living. We are called to the content that is behind, in front of, incorporated in, an art work, we wish the transcendence to be life affirming and transformative. But the engagement must be there, there must be an interaction on behalf of the viewer, (our students as we teach) they must be drawn into that liminal space, drawn into that place that has meaning outside of self, and object found in-between in a hybrid space  that exists only as we exist with and in contact with tfvc effect  106  The arts, as Denis Donoghue says, are on the margin, "and the margin is the place for these feelings and intuitions which daily life doesn't have a place for and mostly seems to suppress .... With the arts, people can make a space for themselves and fill it with intimations offreedom and presence" (cited in Greene, 1995, p. 129).  I went to a Faculty meeting yesterday and gave my official 'peer advisor' opinion about the need for offices and adequate desks for grad students. However, I personally feel a change can be a positive development for all concerned, as the bottom line is, we do not use the space well. This can be a win for all. Graduate students as part of the process of change. [sounds good to mel  Yesterday, as I drove to this meeting through the Stanley Park causeway there on the left hand side of the road my attention was drawn to movement  a, I^OAMI^ <JM£ in. fLiaofc  in, ifie OM,  She had a walkman on and was dancing in the pouring rain, swirling and twirling as she leapt down the pavement - there was pure joy in her movement and exuberance in her step. It looked wonderful. I think of the Canadian artist Janet Cardiff's (2001) walking-story art, her use of movement of an observer-participant to gain entry into her art, a place in which we become 94  St  engaged viewer/participants. We cannot simply observe, we must be f/fli attention.  1998 p. 201) 107  To experience a Cardiff work such as "A Large Slow River" (2001) one dons a pair of head phones attached to a walkman. A tape commences and we are invited by the speaker to walk with her through a many storied landscape. These stories are literal, in that we walk out of the gallery into a garden setting, tracing footfalls with the speaker, and metaphorical, as she engenders past illusions and a magic of events real or imagined, that thread a narrative of the present with past and future, as we walk with the artist through her enlivened imagination. But that is it! We are walking with the artist. Our bodies are alive to the textu(r)al reality of understanding Cardiff's art through our bodies. This is what Lynn MacRitchie (1998), in her chapter adroitly titled The Sincerity of Event realizes, when she talks of performance artists "allying themselves with a tradition of expectation that going live would allow their work access to areas of experience only available within the lived moment" (p. 22). These thoughts reminded me of our own performance work, as captured on '4 Corners.' It was when we invited the audience to cut into our performance site that we all felt a powerful moment of disjuncture, it blurred the lines between us and them and brought us to a heightened moment of interaction. Similarly when Patti, Rita and I (de Cosson, et al., 2002, August) presented our new hybrid work in New York, we realized that it was the performative that was 95  missing. I wrote in my research journal, August 24, 2002, after the presentation, "our session went well - (I think) - it isn't as dynamic as the performance." I continue to think about this....  Hybrid in the sense that our latest 'performance' now stood as a series of i-movies that we individually and/ or collaboratively made from the (re)searching process we carried out on the video tapes from '4 Corners.' We had created reinterpretations of the work through the manipulation of digital imagery using the computer and i-movie editing programs to (re)examine our past performance site. We each created new lenses to (re)vision the work. They are hybrid as they ride together joined by common parenthood - us / performance / video-tape / 95  birthed by new processes to becoming-a-new. 108  A performative moment makes sense, it is not some abstract space - a theoretical reference. Schon (1983) is now a concrete person.  96  Horizons expand and meaning is made manifest as words keep tumbling out to capture rapture in discovery-a-new.  In this multi-layered world of the post-modern, a term so thoroughly used up, but still new and threatening to others, that in its hybridity it is both feared as an unknown intellectual game, and as a term already consumed with  that lush fur of gray/blue dust  Throw it away for over use, for simply not reflecting the reality of our lived experience of today, however, we do understand its use, we see in it a term loaded with cultural baggage.  A new millennium, we move into an age of Internet(ed) possibilities. The so called 'information highway,' only coined by Vice President Gore within a presidential term, old hat to us in the western hemisphere who can talk of LAN connections and fiber optics, watch 'real' TV - as though there isn't real life happening out there (an adventure on an island to see who is left who will collect the money ?) As though there aren't 'real' people in the third world - in Africa, dying 'real' deaths from starvation - malnutrition.  This complacency must be challenged, this hegemonic first world of talk talk talk must be (re)connected to 'real' life the world of 'real' learning that includes empathy for others less fortunate Schon's notion of 'reflection-in-action' is important to many researchers working within performative inquiry. Its relationship to praxis, how theory cannot exist without practice, that the two are intertwined in a perpetual dance for (and in) understanding, to come to a point of 'interstanding.'  96  109  not watching idiotic-mindless shows, on a saturated TV network in hundred-channel-universes, blatant empty rhetoric of stations that seem to not care, as the population doesn't care.  Or do care, do horribly care but find it so difficult to do anything about.  The rhetoric of poverty marches turned on themselves as the guilty ones.  that lush fur of gray/blue dust  How have we got to this consumer nothingness, this consumer blindness? With 'Buy Nothing Days', a one day event once a year, as though to buy nothing should be so novel. Why must we shop every day ?  Why are the malls the only place of community for our young people?  that lush fur of gray/blue dust  I have come to the conclusion that there is no way *o do anything for mankind other than through art. In order to do this I need an educational concept; I need a concept of perception theory; and I must negotiate ... 17>e teacher-pupil relationship must be changed) eliminating the idea that the teacher had knov/ledge and that the student must simply sit and listen ... This means the elimination of learning and teaching as institutionalized forms of behavior. In an interdisciplinary school no  the systef* of teaching and (earning has to be an oscl((atlng Of)e» (Joseph Beuys, cited, De Domizio Durini, 1997, pp. 42-46)  Where does this leave me? no further along, feeling left in the cold  ideas that had been, now dried up and left to tend to themselves.'  This is in reference to the fact that I can write in a 'moment' what might take hours, days, weeks, months even, to edit, cut, slash, tear into new orders of understanding. For instance, the section you just read on poverty and a TV(ed) universe exists as a muddled text that is gushed to paper -1 can know its meaning UtMuujfi tke. neo&Uuj, but to get it readable for others is another story. It is there that the work lies. I begin to understand better my repeated use of the phrase, iAai'ltu/t fa*, chat, a constant reference to the mold that is all encompassing, that has already consumed by the time we see a bloom of dust on the surface. So it is in writing, we write before we know - in knowing. One of the premises of this writing is Goldberg's (1986, 1990) sense of learning through 97  the act of writing - (Lvi nvaJLe^-mXnZ p^oceAA.  v*A\X\ny).  We come to understand ourselves t l o u g l  ILA  Writing needs to be honored, it has to find its place in dialogue with the paper. Trie -payer  r'fiispayer (you read from /with / in)  there is no other way to f>ui(d a sculpture*  It is a praxis of event, the performative moment of doing, in which we learn, in which we find the answers to our questions, in which we find the questions to our answers. It is the continual flow in research of being, in being-becoming, that draws us forward and allows for growth. I again quote Cixous (1993), "writing is what you cannot know before you have written: it is preknowing and not knowing, blindly with words" (p. 38). ill  February 23, 2002 I am not feeling like I am tapping into the energy I need to write, to get down in and feel the flow through my arms, to connect directly with my muse, to feel the pulse of life come through my arms as though propelled forward with a mind of their own.  98  &uZ J!ln3 t$w- £IA2<X3 fu££ — nat^un^- &&eAt\A ta v)xvnX ta ta&& Aa£B  February 24, 2002 You see if I don't write I will be caught in doing other things. It is always the case. A rule that I hear all the time, you must write before you can have anything. I have a faith in that. If I simply sit and wait nothing will happen. I open "Navigators," Theresa Jenoure (2000), a wonderful rumination on jazz pedagogy and curriculum. In it she says, J/affl ImpAo&ti&fam  H a bqAiem  dpasttcuteatid compjoiuta.  ypAaceM, osu&MAated and teCyuisieA, ideai Le Initantly udiicli da&i not allow- a ^vetu^m to pA&tiauiiq, ta undo tltem, only, Oyp^a^iiuHitiei to- expound  9t H  0A^xuu^ed  r  stated ideai, in atdesi upon tnem. (p,. 15)"  Although I have no idea what that n/Jtole will be, I know I must write every day, that my obligation to this is paramount, it is the only way to see it at work, as so much happens so quickly and the changes are out of the bag before I have time to reflect on what it means, knowing also that that is not part of the problem.  98  99  T?ie iferon Caffs (to rework some-pervious dfays meancferings) 112  jfkave often t/wucpAl a6out> t/u'A^lieno'/nenon w//ieA oeetmi io-fkeyumUp m t/te Am  t/iat we alm#6tfail to- notfee it a/nt//mom. S&ow- often lave -jf/iadac/imiliomcm my- m  a/ndjMokeda, look at ra.ndo'in e/fthe-ri/ie/f cf,en one jf/iave never- Aea//<dof/j^fcm j/.e t/te a/nkver >jf,iee/v wit/ti/n iti covert  February 25, 2002 Now I have a headache. So I am going to have tea and take an aspirin. A different view. I sit in the dining room and look north up the mountain. Sometimes, when the air is clean we get a clear view up towards Cyprus Bowl, not that we can see it as the trees are there, however on those perfectly clear days, when it has snowed the night before, it can be spectacular.  'My father caCCs me, "'Afex," "Yes," 1 answer, he caffs me again, his hearing not wha used to he, "We just watched a Q-feron catch a fish" he teffs me from hefow. 1 head down the stairs so he doesn't have to come up, he's 91 years ofdandhas fivedin this house for 55 years. "(Didyou see that?" he continues, "In off my time, and affthe Oderons' Tve watched in the stream, 1 have never seen one catch a fish hefore." 1 tedhim that 1 too have watched this occurrence unfofd, however, it turns out we have watched different events. 1 saw the 1-feron  catch a fish down hy the hridge, he saw it catch a fish up very cfose to their garden apartmen  windows, 'rfe makes a perfect imitation of the hird tossing hack its neck, as it throws the catch down its throat. It is trufy amazing how they do it.  1 was awedhy it, hut 1 don't think 1 reafizedl had never seen it happen hefore. 1 think my father is right. It was the first time 1 saw a lieron catch a fish in the garden,  and we saw different occurrences of the same phenomenon.  113  February 26, 2002 Looked after my mother this morning, took her out. We went to a plant store she likes in Edgemont Village and she talked about many things: the last time she was there and how comfortable it is to be driven. Funny stuff. As Jean reminded me yesterday, we don't know how much longer we have with them. We need to take full advantage,  (attentively,  9miaht  add).  9 Uoaked bet up to hesi old icbool in- Cnalaad via tUe 9*tte/met  tke ma^veli  tecbttoloay aAe alm&it beyond tkeiA  compA^lvenA^xm- ai H owii to- j^ittiaa cotuibiy Ut M96 [B^itiik  a waA (Uel youtk laai WGA, ilie ie/uted hen,  ie&iet i&UMce] ilie o^ten netuAuA, tkene ttout).  On my desk is "woman is the path — dancing" A note to myself to remember to write about that young girl I saw dancing in Stanley Park. When I first read the note I didn't recall its exact location and was instead simply moved . by the words in isolation.  woman is tfiejpatfi'  00  The sun pours down. I get ready to take Jaala for a walk. I need to take advantage of the day's beauty and also feel that I have written something. I woke with the nagging question that I I can see it clearly, even today as I sit trying to make sense of these collected writings. She was twudU^ ifu^sXcU erf tiu> 'uxzclds I left the bridge and entered the causeway. 100  1 Cook up ancCreaCize the fog that has heen hemming me in for the past 24 hours has Cifted and it is now simpCy a duCC and overcast day. 114  am not getting anywhere. However, a clear voice said, q&i, this is exactly what you are supposed to be doing, gathering data to work from. I am allowing the filtering of the text, through my body, to acquire meaning as I venture forward through all that it is that I do. I want to itcuf, in&ide the process. (To stay inside the hermeneutic of it.) Is there any validity...?... oh stop! I cannot stand it when I get off on those tangents. Ma was intrigued this morning as we spent time together using the Internet, what to me is almost a given, is of course (extra)ordinary to her. Carl is giving a concert March 2. Maybe Jean will be able to go ....  /!e cAetft  a//tA-See /At^Ae/tetter  So I slept, does it help?101 No I feel worse, sort of stuck in a hole of my own making, this text that has no middle, beginning, nor end, only the endless typing that could hold me forever. Yes, sleeping does help. I know I have to go through the transition from sleep to work - it may take an hour or more, but in the long run, yields more productive writing. I have learnt this over the years: there is a certain point at which there is no point going further, and that if I'm really tired to lie down, sleep and then go through the hassle of waking and beginning the whole thing again. There is a refreshment that takes over and my brain does feel like it can think, that it clears the cobwebs and fuzziness away. I see it as a renewal process. The enemy of this process is time, without a feeling of limitlessness in regards to time there is always the fear that it is going to get squeezed and run out. Of course limitless time is an illusion too, yet I cling to this idea. To allow the process of writing to have its needed space, I try to have no other assignations, (of course this is close to impossible, however, Jean has repeatedly sent me away to Denman Island where at least I have a chance to sit with myself and the computer). Forming and (re)forming, through constant reflective inquiry a changed self-a-new. 101  115  "Allproblems come back to the question of 'time'" (Weil, 1956, p. 216).  ^ Lx>p^/ t<y S-tu^CottZte/ c2> bu^cl/ op J>^te*T,0 ComAJe/LdxZtloi^y tluZt> hvUZ^s I^OOC/ l&Zc  coluzt- t/lec^ i^uzoc to- A<5^ o^vce/ tf'uu^ czttei^ui/ to- tluzisc/ ooHns s.C&uztoot^A', to- tlu?/ cZctcuAuk  tlux^v czt^ otte/c/ (Xi^aeU^, b ve<zlkA; iJ^vou^lv tli& i^uyutla/ op L&Aib ()C)e^Mf> 1934, fy. 373) ... j  tto cttfAiScooin^s ^Otu/Ztlot^s t^urtb^uCnJOOZtloe/ Op tl^u^l^tPul^eAAs  G>ufL tyusticals (X^iAXXOiAAf-^eAA'  ti^c- owe/ u-v (jjlvlclv te/zcl^e/Uy czi^cL LeG/L^e/LA/ p-C^ut tla^vxA&LoeA' (Xr^ufux^ti^h^/ a- $ZAA^CL op (xJ!Jtcz&iyuz£iA}e/ s-eGyoclv, caclv pun™  OAS  luyv O L/ l^iA' LtoecL sX&A/ztiort't/ ... (t)i^ce/ cue eau^s  OUA/^.UI&VIA/  J  ecj^i^v^e^wJt&v, tL^o cue hvuz<^ (^<zoe/ a#x> o^p<yiJi<Ay<^it^ to-p-cAtis alAse/c^uztoot/ COOT^A/ op tu>un^/ <z^ut OtzLivu^^ at^ct to- t^uziz& CIIAJLC&V.  (Q'oeei^e/, 1995, pfy. 3,1-3s)  As I tried to explain to my eldest son's  'What you/ writing Vad/7" "Oh/1' vw trying to- write/ Lvwide/ they aporicv." A blank look:  (a response reading I often hear/see)  Trying to stay inside the aporia:  116  I can/t get to- Ct,  wanders and meanders to reach a point, an understanding an interstanding (a comprehensive over-view, a meta view) 'there/ Oy^omje/ wr^to-tfaX&"  102  So / v/Hl bead out for a brisk walk # t 103  It isn't that I simply want a litany of words - there is sometimes an inkling of what it is I am looking for. There is the narrative, there is the story, there is the reason for the words, they have a function, their story weaves its way out and onto the page, the meaning only becoming clear as I fight the text into submission. As I continue the 'reading' hour after hour, day after day, the meaning oozing out as though held by elastic to itself. There is a real feeling that it doesn't want to come out, or that I don't wish to understand. A half truth, as I know the commitment involved in finding the answers, the hours of going over and over to find, understand, and decode meaning. Of course there were many more. But in this context of creating a framework, using numbers helps in the feeling of sureness of intent. And a reminder that 5 was a critical number in the curatorial forenote. The numbers stand as an ordering device and order is what we need here. 102  103  117  Jung's Process of Individuation, seeing the differences by dividing the opposites and then seeing there are no opposites is something I remember seeing as a very young man. I realized chaos was simply reordered order. This realization gave me a great sense of satisfaction, which lasted a long time, settled many questions, and liberated me to do what it was that I needed to do.  S am  tke iaten^2Aetive IsiicoleuA,'-i wanld, utueutia+t li not anhf. tke child demand  tieceddity.,  ledtledd ant. 'Ike methadli cfrualitatate tede&icA tUetetuf, become tke  ^ifuxentio*t,' and, tke telliaa  tke. tal&i—the. nepteteMtaUxui—becamei, tke ant" (Jlit  jbev^Ut, 2000, p. 1061).  I'm looking at the tree I have recently topped. A mountain ash that is growing out of an old stump, one of the three first growth stumps that we have, that I keep thinking I will resurrect from the ivy and other stuff that clings and binds -  ... a n d n o t , even,  i/i.ai, it, iA real///, w/ia.t, ^a>a,nt,...  but to be up in the tree, sawing and cutting in this brilliant sun is what it's about. To feel my body working, to feel the aching muscles and know I am pushing this aging carcass to move a little further. My father's words help: "WftefG iA enou^/t, to- do n^/it/ien;. @t/ou, don'/,needa/nytAi/n// eke. ^IfcM, ea/n, Ma//, 6u^'u6f, /?ee/ji/n//, u/> with t/ie needA eft/ie(/a/tden,. 118  Oh how right he is.  'Afways the pressing need to keep up with the writing  that I must write this  9 muit iee mybeljj in Placed^ — tkat it ii in tke doina tkat 9 utiUjjind Qadame%'i (1965/1986) kxvuycm  and my beina hecomtna. Climbing the old trunk, to get to the new tree that is growing out of the old stump, I am brought face to face with the memory of one of my tree forts, a platform really that I had built at the top of a second growth Douglas Fir that had grown out of a first growth stump. It was about fifty feet high. I vividly remember the climb, and the large branches that let me slip from one to the other in a sort of soft sweeping fashion, as I descended, jumping from layer to layer. My parents were away and I had been climbing this tree more than usual. A new tree was an adventure, unexplored, always a treat. At that time we had at least half a dozen really big trees in our garden, most of which I had climbed, although there were some I was scared of, their size intimidating me, or I simply hadn't gotten around to their challenge. This particular one was very close to the house, so this may have had something to do with it, knowing my mother was never that happy with my tree climbing exploits. There was, however, always the lure of the top - that exhilarating view as I broke through the upper layer and saw the sea and the ships in the harbour. That view that was closed to us below, in our dipped topography, our streamed landscape, our slightly colder lot surrounded as it was in the towering trees of our neighbours.  ... And so it happened. My parents are in Mexico on their annual holiday (once a year they would go for 10 days for "the nearest to a European experience and half the cost," as my 119  father said). They loved going. We children (my two sisters and I) were usually left with a nanny, "black beetle" being one who spoke no English. We were less than kind, bouncing 104  around, refusing to do anything that she asked us to do, after all we couldn 't understand! but we knew, oh yes we knew. I can still see us at the top of the stairs, singing, "You can't catch us, nyanya-ny-nya-naa" (a sort of sing song, combined with dancing around and around). It was one of those truly mean things that children do with no idea of the pain caused. I feel the guilt to this day. (One of those things I would wish to heal if I had the chance). YA but back to the tree  ... with my arms still sore from the work I have just done, hanging on to the top branches to cut the Mountain Ash down to size. It is taking sun from the pond, another project on the go, a resurgence, in a sense. To get it to fill with water. The growing Mountain ash takes sun light from my newly planted Gunnera Plant, that in twenty years can be huge but not without sun. 105  106  I am working at getting this tree down to size and in so doing I am also remembering the platform I built at the top of the 50 foot tree that used to be there. In this sense, these flowing memories are the footnotes to my life: they recall one on top of another, the learning in the garden, the love of the land, the ease of being in nature, the joy surrounding the forest's call. We've had numerous bears in our garden, the very thought of which terrifies Jean. However, for me it talks of our closeness to nature and our connection to our pioneer mothers and fathers and our first nations sisters. It reminds me of the legacy we must work to preserve, so easily destroyed, never to be re grown. The first growth stumps remind me of the immense size of the trees and forests that were removed, ancient cedars that would have dwarfed our house. The vastness of the forest floor can be visualized, imagining the stumps grown to full size, our house nestled between towering wonders. Just having the remnants of these ancient forests stirs my soul. To work at clearing the growth that blocks the stumps visibility is part of an ecological pedagogy that I am practicing. My hands must be dirty. I must partake of scrubbing the land: as reminder that my work may help us save the planet from ourselves. So called because she dressed in black. She was a widow, I now realize, and coming from Europe it was the fashion, but we thought it was very strange and a little scary. A plant of the genus Gunnera, native to south America and New Zealand, having large leaves and often grown for ornament, [Mod. L. f. J. Enst Gunnerus, Norw. Botanist (1718-73)] (Pearsall & Trumble, 1995/1995). My sister bought a similar small plant after I did. Hers is over 8 feet high, while mine has hardly changed in height. Telling me clearly it needs more sun. 104  105  106  120  V/a&i/riy io- time,  ew-f/eelMty monte/iM  a/nd ewr- eayermeM  A^ea//yuM  /tere  t.o- deit/K^.  enatMon  ...  I had a chair up there (in my tree-fort). I sat on a platform, no bigger than 1.5 m x 1.5 m (my tree-fort) and I sat and I had the most stunning view. It was an absolutely amazing thing - to simply look - to stare out over the tree tops, at boats and birds and see/sea for miles.  ^AAy/eAtt  ea*& M///ee/Ae evAAa/'a/tenof/Ae /eeAv///^ ZreaAtmyy^'eeAem,  z  My parents came home and were horrified at the height of my sitting. I was told to take it down. I was 7 or 8 years old. "Living in Process means that each person and each moment is unique in itself while being embedded in the entire process of the All" (Schaef 1998, p. 78).  (f%>- /s////At /eap//MtyVtaJ A^/^necZ/er me MS, A/JycwAe//,  I almost drowned when I was four or five  me la t/ud, (fGbdea  107  A pjosiuuj, wftk tain, dtcuf  As I write this, my parents head out for a walk. My mother is shoeing my father ahead of her, as she doesn't want him to knock her over, as he has the dog on a leash, and the dog is a nut case and jumps excitedly around and around and does indeed pose a threat to my mother's precarious balance. Off they go with over 55 years of marriage. What is amazing is their ability to still be 107  121  My arms hurt, maybe I aught to get on with some more of the tree work, cou the ivy - get right down to the root of the problem however there is always the fear not be what I want.  (This computer screen upon which I write my daily journaling is so much better than my old one. Even with the screen illumination turned all the way down, I can see it. In fact all the way down is about as good as all the way up was with the old one.) I need to do more work. (Shhw^L the. i& v>x>A, I want to work in the garden and get a bit further with the tree my arms are sore. IT ALMOST GETS HARD TO WRITE ...  Am I anywhere near staying inside the process??  (I was going into U.B.C. today when I thought, "no, I can't. I need to stay here. I have enough to do here.") YES I WOULD LIKE TO HEAR THE SPEAKER TODAY, BUT WHAT HAPPENS THEN IS I GET NOTHING DONE AND THE DAY HAS PASSED AGAIN, AND THEN I am upset with myself.  I; m.eecl/ to- tc(y t^vC uyuotln^/ XA,^ Me/uf' CIGA^.  Ittirth&dxyinfy(vvritU^) that county (I thought I might go to a film tonight, see 'Lord of the Rings' before it disappears from the big screen.)  / am getting tense from this v/riting* I need to let go, stop, do some stick dragging. I will do a little more before I stop for tea. Jaala comes over to give me a lick, to try to get me to take her for a walk.  The pedagogy of my life, to live as though it were the last, most import  there in everything they are doing, they are alive and even though she suffers from severe forgetfulness (old age dementia, or Alzheimer's) she still has the ability to move forward. 122  Jaala gets very insistent. I will stop - we head off the porch and walk into the distant sunset Gadamer's horizon beckons.  ccuutot hnxuju. till Hou've, lived with, i Did some more chopping at the top and started pulling vines and I catch the last rays of sun light on the island and I realize white computers are not the best for grubby work, sort of 109  like white floors, but we now know how temporary these units are. If I get five years from this I will be doing well. A few smears, what the hell? I bought this laptop computer so that I could do this, haul it around, report on daily activity, living activity. The sun moves. I can feel its shadow leaving me with a cold embrace as it descends behind the neighbours trees. I realize the sounds  "1/oa cannot know, till you've, lived wiik d," was my mother's constant refrain when I to hurry her to a decision, when I was organizing the building of their garden apartment 6 years ago. It used to drive me nuts, as I didn't have the time. It just had to be done and we needed to make decisions new, not later. However, as I hung the assegai spears on Denman I realize I have spent 10 years getting to the project. I kept reconsidering where they aught to go. I have now put them up where I always knew they would go but needed "to Uue utitk" them in my mind to 108  'know'.  This notion of "&G4i**iffo/iws«titA"'\% similar to this process of writing a dissertation. I have been living with these texts for the last five years, the last three seriously. It is always forming and (re)forming in my mind. It is a fluid, changing thing, that morphs into new spaces as I continue. I am, at last, finishing a full read through, through the spell check that forces the (re) reading of the text.  I feehl have/lived/throucfh/wCth it. I 'feel/ I hvxow what I need/todo-.  I now see the beginning text that will talk to the building of a sculpture, the process of fluid movement through the various objects I am building with, never knowing, but always going forward, slowly circling into the centre of meaning with the work, pulling, squeezing, forcing. By this process things come alive that may otherwise sit disused, not connecting as threads are pulled tighter to stitch connections. I see the metonymic pictures as headings: I see more expletory pictures within the text. " *7/ie (hitif &atd, ttott/ie &*toaU*if &i*td"(Sa/ptHtui, 2000, p.  /Sf).  So called as the stream splits at the head of a small land mass that holds the trunk of a second growth Douglas fir. There is a bench that was part of one of my first installation works, Colour Curtain Walkway (1979), Alberta: Banff Centre. 109  123  Trie beauty of tke worfdis the mouth of a fahyrinth. The unwary individual who on entering  takes a few steps is soon unahfe to find the opening. ...he waffts on -without knowing anythi  or hoping anything, incapahCe even of discovering whether he is ready going forward or mere turning round on the same spot. 'But this ajj'fiction is as nothing compared with the danger  threatening him. Tor if he does not foose courage, if he goes on wafking, it is ahsofutefy cer  that he wifffinaffy arrive at the center ... Later he wiffgo out again, hut he wiffhe changed, he  wiff have hecome different... 'Afterward he wiff stay near the entrance so that he can gentfy push aff those who come near into the opening. (Weif, 1951,p. 164)  Six  125  of the plane overhead meld with the stream and I feel good. My shoulders hurt, not hurt so much as feel used, working hard to pull out ivy. My mothers curse is the ivy. "Once it takes hold it will envelop everything. "  Excerpt from poem 'Tony my Father, Tony my Friend.' See appendix V. 124  Branches radiate from a dark center: I have had the idea of resurrecting the pond for at least two years, in fact I took some video of the idea but I lost my enthusiasm as it was too daunting a task. The sun is fully gone now, although when looked at you can still see it in the trees, gleaming and making those branches radiate from a dark centre. I have started to reveal the trunk under the ivy. It is always difficult to go so far, you never know, disturbing the status quo on these things can dredge up anger from any corner. M y mother may decide she doesn't like it, my wife may be appalled, however, in another respect, none of that matters. I want to see the trunk again, maybe find the St. Francis that we hid in an alcove half way up the trunk, an original sculpture by an artist friend of my mother. I remember going to visit her, somewhere miles away, with the ensuing car ride stories of money and marriage problems, (it seemed our buying the sculpture had something to do with helping) and the stresses of having lived a hard life, (related to her husband not being a strong provider, "not like your father") an underlying theme. We would go out to get St. Francis fixed, (this seems to have happened more than once as the memory looms larger than a once off occurrence). I don't think the sculpture had been fired. It may have even been a prototype for a piece she was going to do for my mother. There was always a little tweaking to do, or a fix-it from a fall, so it would remain away for a few months and then we would once again take the drive to retrieve it and then St. Francis would be back in the trunk, half way up in its nook, looking happy. One year the vine's over growing was so intense that St. Francis was lost, hidden beneath the growth.  / half believe he is there now, as I clear I am expecting an appearance. The real test will be to see if I can find the nook that St. Francis sat in.  / begin to cool off as the sweat condenses on my back and arms. The sun is almost completely gone now, sliding gently down to the center of the tree and any second will dip behind the house. I catch glimpses as I look up and try to type at the same time. There it goes, a white ball with lines of branches through it. I can still feel that glare which makes seeing anything else impossible and still a glory hole to fall into and slowly slowly gone and only a moment more - one more glance and it will be gone - still it hangs on and so do I expecting a flash of rays to be lost and a deep sigh -1 breathe a deep satisfied good day feeling -  126  OH, so glad I didn 't go to listen to ecology and pedagogy  that I lived it here in my own back yard where the miracle lives, were I can feel all. I must do more of this, although they say it will rain tomorrow, another reason I wanted to get out today, as the rain is not great for climbing trees. Really the last glimmer Dives with a burst glimpsed as a spark - a shot and a move  I had forgotten how much the sun moves horizontally as it sets. Hence it moved through the tree S can. j^ef UA tijipXrva <JA vie twin, anvtxtA^d, anxl tJbe, tt&e, camea. tkvJbeA, ILacJc a J/l/ij. cotrwA n&xX ta nuj cli<e«Jc <uv3 S  laafflt^  am ^eVdrva cofe.  The/ cleMre/ to- capture/ L$r strong/, to-stay withthifrwiomentofbetnfy, thtyMerleau/-Pcmty (1970) truth, 'that IfrbeAAVfr here/Now.  Or a^3aba/1Zam/Va^y (1971) would/remtv^d/m>, the/ ^iMipltcCty ofa/d&inty, such a4r a/ racking- of leaA/e& on/ a/ roof  feelivxty aw und^rstandtng/ ofwhatthatcould/ mean/ 127  to- reach/ cv moment of beivic^ neither hot nor cold/ Ju4t yingfr  Toderwith/rh^ythA^  cvpul^oftheytrearvv that doem/t atop, that roary orw cvnch makefr me/feeLgood/ vn/^ioXe/  The heart yoary cvnd/ uruty Lb one felt deep cvy writiAXcy wcvrwuy me*  My fvnaeryreaeh/for cv frcvneh (1973) im&ityhtofbeivvfr for cvpedaaocjy of e^Uyyterice of beincv with/ cv moment-world/ in/uruty with/treeycvythey bud/ I ccvn/only attemptto- keep up.  128  This work is only the tip of an ice berg and allows me to move into a doing, which is a clearing of space, to see more, to be aware of the first growth trees as a fundamental aspect of this space, this garden, and allows me to move to a place of being in it. of knowing it - of experiencing it  On a level I have never reached before. If I can see the first growth stumps I will reveal an aspect that remains hidden, that will allow me to relive the spirits of this (s)p(l)ace - of this garden. I will release from the binds of the vines these ancestors that my father attempted (as a new immigrant with pioneering spirit) to chop away as eyesores and limiting his ability to tame the wilderness, (but soon gave up when he realized the magnitude of the task). If I can disrobe them I will unearth me, it will allow me to see more than I have ever seen here. I have my tree fort just behind me. It too needs work, I need to be here in the garden, it needs standing alongside the writing. I must find the balance of the two, after all iliA/v t, a dual ////, it is beyond dualities. I know 1  that it is never this or that, although it is easy to get caught in this duality of thinking, a trap as it allows for no where to go, it doesn't allow for growth, the (un)duality allows me to move within, to a third space, to the other space, the space that isn't this or that.  Jf'i$ neiflter ft>i$ / ner ffaf  I understand this now, it is neither this nor that. Sounds easy, but you have to feel it - you have to understand from a place that is deep, it allows that space to grow as it slips away and I can feel my butt getting numb from the cold seeping in, and the too long sitting. I want to go get a cup of tea, to move the bones out to another place. Jaala looks at me and wags her tail. I wave to her - her tail goes faster 'Yes' she seems to imply, 'come on, I want dinner, and it is getting cold.'  An excellent paper that acts as a synopses of Aoki's thinking over many decades of teaching was presented at the 2001 AERA conference in Seattle, Washington, entitled Re-reading 111  metonymic moments with/in living pedagogy.  129  fy/e ate ta4*t wltA a dende aa itttesutal' talattce tAalnull tell' ud exactly wA  we *teed at eacA and eoety patitt i*i turf, lived i^we cmly. tetaUt tAe alulity ta andta lidtea. (£cAaej, /99#, /»• f39)  February 27, Oh that marvelous sun of yesterday has left and a grayness returns which makes me feel gray. All that power I felt yesterday left and I feel abandoned and sad as though it were all pointless, which it may well be. But I will try to muster the strength to write as it is what I have said I will do. Without the writing there is nothing and if there is nothing, well what would I have to work with? So I am upstairs and I have a big folder next to me with all sorts of arts-based research papers. I know I need to delve more deeply into them, but boy am I fighting that one, I seem to have no desire to get into it at all. I will crack it, allow the page to open where it will and see what relevance may spill forth.  Hermeneutical self-creation I need to take Jonathan Glover, the Oxford Philosopher, to heart when he talks of hermeneutical self-creation. His call for an emphasis on the role of the 'inner story', cited by Randall (1995) in his The Stories We Are: An Essay on Self Creation, "brings us to the heart of Glover's thesis: 'the interaction between self-creation and the inner story about the past"'(p. 42). This call to get to know our inner self can only be helped through a strenuous amount of selfreflective writing, mandated daily, to follow the process of a life as lived. A phenomenological approach to self-study. I grapple tLougA the text of my own day, to come to terms with a pedagogy of learning XLUMXQJL daily events, t L ^ o g l frustrations of e-mail for instance, which may allow for spaces of movement, out from under their incessant continuance. 1 used to like e112  mail as it allowed me not to be interrupted as telephones did. But now I loath turning the computer on and seeing the dreaded 17 unread messages in the last three hours or worse still,  1 look for opportunities in the server connection delays to open myself in self-reflective prayer, iema tUaaJz^id jfVi tke IfLace m. time. 112  130  after a day or so, 48 unread messages. Now admittedly many are simply information only and do not need/e 6e a/n&uered,  A Point of Extreme Disjuncture: Peril or Hope? December 11, 2002. A melt down last night as I continued with my editing schedule. I scrolled through the remaining 140 pages of this document. I got very depressed by it. "It's too long," I loudly chastised myself. I was having a bath to try to relieve the tension in my neck and back after five days of editing that seemed to get nowhere." "I cannot afford an hour a line! I play with the 3  poetics of a small stanza. I really enjoy this when I am doing it, but it will take the next two years and that's not what this is about." For instance I spent a long time with: DOGS/Walking  Ahhh Sun shines through a blackened cloud with wonder held -  This is subjective and momentary, as of course I was getting somewhere. But this entry acknowledges that I am still far from my <Wt*e<} |c^m. In the moment of the doing there are many periods of extreme doubt and disjuncture, of being without direction. This must be lived through, <^)r/e ^o^k'ii, Mh/>re&i)- to arrive at a point of knowing. 113  (^ia/iJUj- orv&j. a^yuAica apteA, an, eaJUanve, Iiou/t oj? <kwj&L di  AaemA  131  a gentle water flutters soft.  I see a parade of rocks lined with a tree far off laughter tickles my ear.  Chesca eats away and distant rumbles held extended echo abruptly stops.  I look down the beach as Jaala does and I see nothing but I can hear voices in the rhythm of the sea and seagulls gently on iron coloured water land  I played with this small text for a long time," it had been played with twice before, it's 4  stiff not quite where I want it. What is it that can drive me to want to play with the rhythms of words, and the sounds that are produced when voiced from mind to page and back again, into the universe, when read aloud. I read my sister 'Tony my Father, Tony my Friend'  U5  the last time I  was on Denman Island for an editing session and I could feel the words coming alive with the voiced expressiveness, the jieApymiafiQe. ccmve. afiQe..  It made me realize for the first time how important it is to publish, that just as with sculpture, words do not live until others can read them. Or for that matter, have it read to/for them. Thus I understood the importance of poetry reading to the u^ed/poet? ylife.  And even now, December, 16, the original on pp. 88-89 has been edited further, words, words, words, how long I play them as "teachers begin to reassess traditional, academy-driven notions of what counts as knowledge about teaching and who has the authority to know" (Neilsen, 1998, p. 141). See Appendix V. 114  115  132  to- t  w W w & n i '  more, clearly what happen^ Cw thatperformatives &ate/.  To see what the audience thinks. I understand it with art but I am still feeling my way with writing. I am unsure of it at the same time I am drawn to continue it. However, I don't have the luxury of endless days, to compose and play with minute changes of rhythm that are only places of rest in a tangled web of writing about self, that is trying to find a place of composure. A place of rest, to feel satisfied with, to know I have done my best, (oh, so childish!, but a truth, there lies a pedagogical imperative!) That is all I ever ask of my students, that is a measurement through which they all must wiggle. Where is that point of best(ness)? when to quote Godwin (2000), "that's often the best it can be" (interview, no page number). I set new rules and drew out a schematic of a possible outcome. I will take out at least 60 pages of text. I will reorder the overall plan to allow for more interruptions to the existing edited text, to encourage multiple entry points. That the need for some sort of overarching order is paramount, and simply continuing with hermeneutical self-creation is not what I want this to be. I feel I may be close to an end of internal dialogue, the predominant self-talk as recorded over the six months of data collection. I envision having a greatly reduced or rather selective winnowing of daily writing. 9 beaut cuf&wi cuttUta  Utnxuu^xud, tke teat.. fffie teivt needA to he  more performative!! However, dfa,m remem/jem'/n//-  //6  a/rt, ea/rtt/> e<du6ifam of mine  camera, reeerdi/n</, t/te event,,  "df/n, a, m.a.<wtrudiAt, aA  in, w/iie/i, df Acrid te d  offwied to- a, m.i/ni/ina.iiit,  Suit and Tie: The Ethics of Everyday Work, (1979), The Library Gallery, The University of Victoria, BC. 116  133  ev€<tytAi/ny m a day aA a, reeo-rd ofitA i/ei/ny a/nd t/ien t/ra/n/dale (Ae aceu/midatien i/nte-  S&oiv-evep, (/i/miiy/i die ewtkii/nyyea/ri, wov/ri/ny aA a> Acid/Mer a/nd (eacAer <jf Aave a/  lea/med die iwceMa/ry a,H of redaction; 6o(/v aA aJ^m.ctoea.1 endeaoc'pfar- 611/r/jival a/nd a/AeJe e6(A,e(;icJbu/r//oAe6.  Last night I realized very clearly that I need to bring out the scissors (3S metaphor Only!), that the building blocks are over stressed, and I must eliminate some large chunks. I know for instance that the long dog story (yet to come) must be eliminated and possibly the long investigation of my connection to church and the embodied learning embedded in its traditions. It may be for another paper, fuel for further writing, but outside of this context. I conceptualize reducing the over-all length of the journaling, but retaining entries as signposts to the linear progression of time and our reading/writing through it. As so much additional text has been 'pushed,' threaded, weaved into the journaling text in subsequent editing (cutting) sessions this progression is, in fact, an illusion. But a useful one all the same, as it helps our connection to the project to 'think' we have a handle on its construction. For a while, in this writerly building, I retained dates on edited sequences interspersed throughout the linear journal entries, but I subsequently deleted these dates as they became disruptive to the over-all 'installation' of the text. To your fluidity of mind, dear readers. A primary objective is to retain a flavour of the ongoing, but also to open the text to other flavours. To uv^burdtv^ the text of soyvce tangle, that soku-e Light i^ay be shoi/v-e ov^ other aspects.  For instance, to allow space for an example of an arts-based text on my process as a sculptor and its similarity to this text in how the building blocks are incremental, experimental, always on the edge of failure, the unknown beckoning with ever gleeful open arms  f^ffovm/ mafarial^^Jro'm/ a d^ea/m/n^/ 134  now  &nva/jcda/nd  w  <po-  (juo^k)  6aoA  a/tid  lh&J/e/'  (rejujo^k  IMV (wovkecOJldww  fAe  (//*& a//j<ead^)  worked  a//id  lew/;  an impression, a glance, aflutter,{these metaphors of light) I open the text to footnotes and weave in ongoing insight  I wanted to explicate the difficulty (aporia) of being in the midst of the process. I wanted to track the process of trying to come to terms with an autoethnographic study that enables the hermeneutic of the struggle to be visible, the twists and turns of an open ended project that is deliberately not being pre-selective. That is, deliberately keeping the process from being predetermined, that wants to allow the free form of creative expression to be alive in the midst of the process. Within these parameters however, drawing the threads tight enough to create a free standing (in sculptural terms) object in space (the textu(r)alization of the page, read as object). With content, once opened, that speaks to research and methodology. These are difficult desires to give form to. The struggle has continually been this. How to honor the methodology of open dissertational formation and still pull tight enough so as to have the form visible to those who endeavor to read within the confines of the page,  In effect to honor the reality of time, the tangle of time, knowing that it is in this temporal space that we find the answers to our puzzles. I wanted to track this, to open this up, to get inside it. 'To follow the process of my own doing' in the site of my practice as researched and my research as practiced. An insanity, (maybe). To reiterate, last night was melt down time. I felt hugely overwhelmed by the magnitude of my project, the impossibility of the mission. It is too big. I must cut, simply to get a handable" object, a mass that I can manipulate. As with sculpture, if it gets too big it may be 7  more than I can cope with, and I like to be able to manage the structure myself. A colleague of mine uses this word to describe a sculpture that is of hand size and he credited the word to a teacher of his. I have also heard that the sculptor Henry More referred to his small maquetts in this manner. I have always liked the SOIind of the word. 117  135  It takes time to write and time to read. Each demands of the other certain obligations. As the author Gail Godwin (2000) puts it in an interview with Brigitte Weeks about the writing process: Whenever you write something, you are in a particular landscape in your life, a mental and spiritual landscape. If you write with intensity, then that landscape is fixed in the writing. That's often the best it can be. And if you've done it well, then you will go forward to another place and you'll be in a different creative mental and spiritual era. You can't go back and redo those kinds of things, (from a reader's guide epilogue, n. p.) As Mieke Bal (2001) reminds us "concepts are the tools of intersubjectivity," she goes on to remind us that intersubjectivity is a concept in itself and that concepts must be clear and that each "concept is part of a framework, a systematic set of distinctions-not of oppositions" (p. 260) that can be used to help a "detailed analysis establish(es) a kind of intersubjectivity, not only between the analyst and the audience, but also between the analyst and the 'object'" (p. 261). The object in this case is the narrative of daily writing collected over a six month period. For Ball: I have considered the theory of narrative-narratology-a relevant area of study precisely because narrative is a mode, not a genre; because it is alive and active as a cultural force, not just a kind of literature; because it constitutes a major reservoir of our cultural baggage that enables us to make meaning out of a chaotic world ... and last but not least, because narrative can be used to manipulate. In short, it is a cultural force to be reckoned with. (p. 260) This is similar to the A/R/T research groups contention that a/r/tography" is a research 8  methodology that allows the living present to come alive through the research process. That it draws threads of daily confusions and allows for divergent collisions to create anew. That the generative power of a/r/tography as a research methodology lies in its refusal to be tucked away with an easily condensed set of rules to follow, that it embodies the metonymic spaces that slide effortlessly out of view as soon as they are too closely pigeon holed. We see this non-definitional construct as a powerful place of working within. Each person who works from within a/r/tography The concept of a/r/tography was coined by Professor Rita Irwin and introduced to our A/R/T/S research group in the spring of 2001 through an article she had written for a conference presentation (Irwin, in press). We have worked collaboratively to further developed it and continue to present our work using its methodological understandings as a framework. (See Irwin & de Cosson, in press.) 118  136  is encouraged to fabricate their own frames on which to build. That ambiguity is a powerful point of entry. Through the confusions that are brewed, new fermentations are fostered that may bring alternative understandings to the work that is presented. It is from this perspective of not knowing/knowing that I am changing the framework from within. I see clearly that there is too much weight. I trust my intuitive process that cries loudly, "jettison text." The boat is top heavy and is on the verge of sinking, the sculpture too weighty and dead in its tracks. What invites scrutiny of an object are multiple entry points and worked surfaces balanced within an integrated overall aesthetic. The night is black. In the pitch of night I can feel my way when I have a memory, a traceknowing, an inclination of direction from past meanderings. I cannot, however, navigate a pitch black path that I have never walked before. I must count on memory and past learning to force myself outside the safe path and venture onto a more ambiguous path that can illicit excitement and thus draw me (carefully) forward. It is trust in a knowing/not knowing that I must play with, on the edges of this knowing, as the aporia is the meeting point. It is this pathway that I wish to follow, that I may be able to find connecting devises to bridge together a work that has meaning to itself and to an outside, an engaging substance for others to enter. A/r/tography must have aesthetic underpinnings that shine through. A/r/tography strives to be individuated and strong, providing a lattice that endeavors to embrace the entire work. It cannot be seen to crumble near the top or at the edges. A/r/tography does not expect or even advocate closure in a traditional sense. A/r/tography hopes to ask as many questions as it answers. A/r/tography anticipates generative discourse from the substance of the work. A/r/tography does not wish to be elitist but may be perceived as such as it is a concept and as such does agree with Bal (2001) when she writes: concepts, or those words that outsiders consider jargon, can be tremendously productive. They help articulate an understanding, convey an interpretation, check an imagination run wild, enable a discussion on the basis of common terms, perceive absences and exclusions. For me, a concept is not just a label that is easily replaced by a more common word. (p. 260) As such, I am working from within the generative spaces that the forward slashes inhabit by separating art into artist/researcher/teacher. That place in which I write from a hybrid that floats and finds comfort in the continuing dialogue with self in an ethnographic study that proceeds to pull at itself and (re)order the order to find a point of stasis. 137  jf/iaveffea/rirfaA at/wme, die AaA t/ie-J/ae jf/iad. Afwi//Acad eul riy/it new- to /eat t/ie /ii/ne/tti/me crowd at t/ie Aa/nA, a/ndtry a/ndc/iecA my i/ntiwa/nce. jfAaoe a/ready Aee/v out leyetjf'ea.n rioitjb and erae/erri. jfA/new- f/uA 6ay, it ii  ri/df/e, /etAyew tAi/n/yowr /etter- a/nd (Aen Aa/m, Cu/mi/a/r- to- diMertatiena./w-'rifi/nyy'wtt aA AeyMi/ to- (A//nAyroy/reM iA Aeiny made, @&<3^Mfa/n.dywM 6&M Aa.eA to- t/te draw- fi/nyJ Aoa/rd) <jfwi/l' Ari/ny t/ie lafM.e/> wit/i me may/e <jf//yetfam.et/ii/nyyeee/on (Ae-f/y  February 28, 2002 Went to church this morning. The priest has been away for most of this week so a group gathers and does a liturgy of the word. At first we were a little awkward in that we are so used to being lead ... (I start a long section that traced the daily attendance at morning mass through the Lenten season. I brought the computer into mass and tried to write from within the service, I wrote after and before services, it became a measure of my daily writing as I began a pilgrimage through Lent.) Two of the strongest points of learning from this research which the writing richly demonstrates are the embodied understandings I've had through daily kneeling. I began to understand the body having its own knowing (Springgay, 2002, In press). I wrote later this morning: M y Lenten practice is to try and go more often during the week, well to go during the week at least three times, to engage with the liturgy in a more truthful way, that is to be IN the liturgy and that can only happen if I am in this theory/practice place. I must be in practice or it simply does not work. Then the other part is being in practice that is meaningful to me and not simply someone else's theory/practice loop.  138  I sat and recited the prayers after the service. There is always a group who stays to do a decade of the rosary with its wonderful repetition of words. One side responds to the other, with a switch after each decade. I love being in it, doing the prayer and saying the words out loud in a group. It is practicing meditation similar to Satsung the sitting meditations of Zen and Buddhist traditions. The repetition of prayer. It is the breathing that gets synchronized to the words and the body is in sync with the words, it is a whole body meditation, it IS Theory IN practice. *yiccunwto-m>e load and (dew*, that 16 wAat ^Aam  to/iaae,  U>(dwu/yfl J^a/m, IcAt; i/n a 6ea, o/dordi dia/ /in/'f rw 6uMto/nee.  That is why the garden practice is so important, it isn't just doing yard work, it is body interaction with nature that allows me to see more clearly my connection to it. Through memory, the past's life story that I have through my (re)activated memory of my past creates my new story, that is constant by being becoming - ongoing - that challenges me to see beyond the here, into the deepness of the moment. December 12, 2002 I start the deliberate elimination of 100 pages, some will be CUt back into the main text as new interruptions into past linear flows. I feel a sense of elation as I ponder the elimination of vast reams of collected text which until now I felt committed (compelled even) to using. Similar to one of those rules I sometimes set my students. "  And you must use all material." In a  sense, I still am as I have a 'cdHeAiatv §JL for the unused text sitting on my computer desktop. With my students, I often help them see that a pile, aesthetically placed to the side, can work strongly, as it talks back to the object and still fulfills the criteria without cluttering the dynamics of the work itself. All of a sudden I feel a chill as I remember a section of transcript from our Feb 15, A/R/T/S group meeting. Patti is commenting on how she felt as an outsider looking in on the 139  work, that we should have done more with the papers we were reading from. The concept of cutting up the text as we read them emerges from this conversation as an integral solution to the (now) perceived dilemma.  I quote from the transcript of A/R/T research group meeting of Feb 15, 2002 Patti: "How wonderfully in sync the readings were with the movements of the body and people cutting. But I remember thinking at one point that something has to be done with the ACT of reading ... don't take it away necessarily, but do something with the papers in your hands ... what you're doing with your hands, I thought that was very important. Alex: "Because we weren't conscious enough for that as even to be looked at.." Patti: "when you cut... I could tell there was some connection ..." Rita: "I understand you, we could have cut up our scripts .." Wendy: excited voicing of "oh oh oh" and excited murmurings from all of us. Patti: "eha something that connects to what there is your doing." Stephanie: "We don't have to do it literally either - what we are doing now as we go back in is metaphorically cutting it up -" Alex; "I like this here, there is a nice quote here on that (reads from 'Repositioning the Body' a text by Garoian, (1999) we have been discussing)  (I have written on the side of my copy of this text as I (re)read it now on Dec 11, 2002, ^20m  capital letters.)  Patti: "And that was so nice when people were handed the scissors." Stephanie referred to what we are engaged in with our research project as 'metaphoric cutting.' We continue the cycles of ongoing research in a hermeneutic of (re)searching. This 140  notion is fundamental to the concept of a/r/tography, as it encourages risk taking, change and elimination of perceived boundaries. To cite again from Garoian, (1999) as he cites Sayre (1998) borrowing Derrida's concept of 'undecidability' he suggests performance art finds meanings by  December 13, 2002 This point of disjuncture, this dislocation from the project, was exemplified by finding myself floundering in doubt, made more acute when I awoke from a terrible night. The howling wind of 80-100 km/hr had pounded my disturbed sleep and the electricity had gone off for eight hours. I was disillusioned, I once more felt the vastness of the unknown stretch in front of me. I want to try and pull the focus back. I want to try and show how the past thirty-six hours has produced a calming of doubt. How the process is running as it should. It is the continued reading and reflection that allows for a healing of the break, the cut, the tear. That in reading, I find succor through others thinking. In reading and (re)reading self and others I am able to once again, sally forth (intentional implied pedagogy)." It amazes me 9  how (with attention) I can draw solace from where ever I am, to find relevance in the moment.  I believe it is this constant hermeneutic cycle of reflective internal dialogue that is the research that is the point of this dissertation writing. I contemplate anew Pears' (1998) wonderful lines of serendipity,  go for a walk, set out on a journey" (Pearsall & Trumble, 1995/1996, p. 1276).  119 «  141  OM^Atian an truj tninS, <m2- jiicfc&B a. &aaJc at <uuv3om off tfve. (Jveif!, attest am n&iex. fieo^S- of! &efoze,, ijeX found, tfw,  cwi&vH&i  S  a&efzrfjjfiiriita, co&eAA ?(jx.619)  Or is it? Is it not more our openness to finding ways through our own aporias, our own paths towards meaning making (an a/r/tographic strength). For instance, as I struggled with this sudden point of change, this chasm of difference, from intent of function to the reality of what needs to be done, I read the following interlude in (Booker Prize) shortlisted Ahdaf Soueif's (2000) Map of Love. I quote it at length as it seems to me to express that place of being in and through learning and research,  (she is referring to an old Coptic church in Cairo):  S  /veXwvn^a ta t$ve,  ^J\Cu, a$2aaa$i,  a g a i n , anxl aaain, cuv3 aA nuj- ^ami^Uj/uXtj- V)A)$\, it  — aA S came ta bnav), -tfi/e. ^iau/iMt, In t$ie, juwntuvaA, a+v3 tJLeJiA, eacyVwA&ianA a*v3 a/tti-taSe Hecame tffwuyx  S  'kecoa+viAeS  latffwA,  tjkan. aiAca\le/v&2.,  exxdte/m aauna a^ QapXic cnoAitlna. an, t$w,  mu^t&a  O A  nvu. <uxt became at)Uuwxi ta tflve  IVUAJT,  aj? lixe e+rvphj, <JkuAx3i %vufkeA  aniij %IAJ tfrvi aaa (!Bta(Llc c a f f | w m tfcie, COUAXAJOAZ, vtAXSbauX, an2. noAe, c&aAexl ta He  0MA^yuAe2, at -tHe O~O<$AJ tinmj e2lae, aj? -tHe incense — awA,, Aa WMJ canAcumAneAd, uuyuiaAea tike, ej/j^eot it nvu. Aaui, an, z^edC tJbat  viJiJ^UMxli  S  O A  VJOA  truj. ^OWWIAAZAAXAJ vJ/i/tH -tHe onwuJk Jm^itvcj- an. nvu. Jvea/i/t ana an,  can anitj. aeAcvJLe, aA a AenAe oj? uuvveaAaa Ay\aciaAAAneAO,  mAjAe^, OA tflvoAufb tike. aae. a^ Hat^Suva, -tHe ijeoAA it Haa Htuvcj- aa, a n<\$lav)da 1  Apxvce He/tWxeetv itd, tv)A*\, ^Rxinvan tav)AiAA, v)jwe, -Wxa^fcirvcj, ita, vlatj. into, nuj. Aau£ a^vS S too  AanxeftuW),,  VSOA  He^xMrvu-va- a JLOAZ aj? tftxaX a/i&at -tract aj? -time,  S  cannot ewp/veAA t$uA  Hettex, Hu/t \XA e^&ct <m rm, id, ileep — ana S p^ay- enxkvw+va — jxeaoe. (p/p, 9 0 - 9 1 )  142  To me this eloquently expresses how we learn through our continued engagement with that which we wish to know. It is not enough to simple know (of) the words, or concepts, as Bal (2001) reminds us "concepts that are (mis)used as labels lose their working force" (p. 261). We must feel and know through this intuition to trust what it is that we know. This is much more difficult than it sounds as it is dependant on that learning moment, that moment of failure/success, that moment all artists know. The cry of 'this is not working,' known deep in the bones, and the dread of this grows until the shout is too large and form must be rebuilt.  Valerie Janesick (1999) also uses a sculptural metaphor, and although I differ in my working methods, as to me sculpture is more to do with both 'adding' and 'taking away,'  120  however this nuance does not change my finding solace in her observations: 1 ojten use tfie metaphor  ofjournal  ago, when 1 took a scufpting techniques  scufptors  takes new form.  cfass working  use is whittfing  of the piece or that part  writing  and for the purposes  'Ages  with cfay, one of the  away at portions  of this  part  and every day as you scufpt, the piece  In a very fike manner,  doing this. T'he written  as scufpting.  the journaf  text of the journaf  of the researcher,  writer  evofves, is  is afso  reshaped,  hecomes a way to  cfarify,  This notion talks to me of the difference between a postmodern sculptor and a modernist sculptor. The post modern sculptor is most probably an eclectic mix of many 'isms,' is interested in the addition of material, the adding of fragments either found or manipulated and is often exhibited as an 'installation,' that all encompassing fully worked environment that sprung from the 1970's experimental use of marginal and outside art spaces and "although the term 'Installation art' has become widely used, it is still relatively nonspecific" (Reiss, 2001, P. xiii). We can, however, take The Oxford Dictionary of Art's (Chilvers & Osborn, 1988) definition as a 120  close proximity to what can apply to installation, as a "term which came into vogue during  the lg/osfor an assemfafage or environment constructed in the gaffery specificaffy for aparticufarexhibition"  (p. 253). 143  reinterpret, and define muck cf our work. Qiven tfiat readers of tfiis journaf are interested in auafitative research techniques to some extent, this technique, journaf writing, may offer a way to iffuminate what the researcher is studying in a highfy discipfined anddeepfypersonaf way. (p. 56s)  Another aspect of this point of disjuncture and change, is reflected by my journal entries recording the nights dreaming of Dec. 10/11, 2002 The storm rages still - electricity out for about eight hours last night. A dream: I am married to an East Indian woman whom I don't live with nor see in the dream -1 visit the family not understanding why they dislike me so much. After an interlude in the house, I try to talk to the mother who appears to dislike me the most. She is from the upper class, very formal and beautifully dressed in traditional Indian garments. I enter her shop/room/boudoir to try and talk with her about the skins we all have. She has bolts of cloth hanging from the walls, paisleys are predominant. I run my hands over them trying to make an analogy between the cloth and the skin of a reptile. "A snake sheds its skin," I say, with profound implications, (although in the dream I do not know what these implications might be). We are both sitting on the floor. She strokes me in a seductive manner which I find disturbing, as it breaks my illusions of her class and accepted etiquette etc. She touches me as I pull the material from the bolt and wrap myself in it. She is evil (I feel) this is wrong (I feel) - we continue talking and nothing further happens. I awake with these images in my minds eye. I begin to write the above in my journal and at this point I begin to analyze the possibilities of meanings. 144  A snake sheds its skin - Does it grow a new one? Or is there simply a ready made skin below? This shedding seems to reflect what I must do - Shed  C l U M k S -  Ji/nd  new d/ti/jv 6eiow  (I capitalize as it clarifies through the writing)  coi^e/ czyhd/ i&o i^u?/ (rovz^/ &w a* i^u^dky tdyoeels  LiylvtA  (Is what I wrote in my journal which I continue to copy from below as I grapple with the dilemma I find myself muddled in).  Inside the aporia of my own being becoming - How can we know what is relevant and what isn't? Why should this have any more barring than all the rest? - It is this ongoing, not being able to let go - maybe this is the problem with not being objective (even though from a post modern perspective we accept that an objective stance is not possible) - We still play with the notion that we are capable of objective vision even though we know we cannot be. Krzysztof Wodiczko's (1989) words echo in my brain, "even though we know it cannot be" (Video interview).  weti my mfent, /e- Mety m/'eZiZ/Ae e^>estAa/nty, et'm e/e/^y WELL HOW DO I GET OUT? If every move is predicated by a past and affects my future, how do I dislocate it from the fires of self? 121  Williams (1993/2001), audio file. 145  (cvvv cm>-<£oiv\fy vm^ficrrv of (ii&covery.) This is the wonder of it.  However, I do need to call a halt, even knowing its post modern dilemma - It is simply a slice (referring to this  [te/yJ:] w[v] cvhOjfO/tio-vx/ of a dissertational endeavor) and I can look at it as such turn it around  view- otlteii  tectuwbi.  I think the hardest part for me is the letting go of the process that surrounds the understandings. That it is only through all this text that questions are found (however small). However, questions without context seem barren - So what I'm trying to do is retain the integrity of process, analyses without loss of process. What use is this? What use is 'a snake sheds its skin'? without all of the previous two days of struggles?  I^o me it is rick in tfie uncfertow ofknowCecCge It goes back to process and the trust of process. Yes, a snake looses its skin - a whole self to reform anew - the same yet different a same/not same Aoki (ism) (1993, 96, 99, 2001) for me always a metonymic - although in a dictionary definition not strictly "the crown" standing for a member of the royal family as head of state. And yet, it is a metonymic as one is not the other and yet they are - the past skin was a future skin is a past when shed 146  - One skin stands for another - one slips through the other and it will happen again and again one ships through the other I see the skin, that total embodied (empty) was whole skin, as a metonymic space, a concept when understood thus.  fyjfhal  t'A  f/i.e /eac/iMiy Aere'f  It is a pedagogy of renewal and transformance - It is teaching in curriculum of sameness/never sameness. As an example, I have taught the same course at OCAD for going on twenty years, but it is never the same, it is always new. It is 'lived curriculum' Aoki (1996, 1993) which generates this renewal of sameness/not sameness. I shed the past and am in a new - but same -  Isn 't this the same for every day as I shed skin particles I leave a whole (empty) body's worth that can live like a snake skin in imaginations of a recreated self.  Once again I wish to quote an extended passage from Ahdaf Soueif (2000) as she presents a journal entry from one of her characters in the multi century jumping epic. In this case it is Anna from whom we shall hear (read? has written?) an upper class English widow who has gone to Cairo after the death of her husband in 1899. Much of the reconstructed narrative takes place through Anna's journal entries, letters home to England and other characters' journals. Anna, as expressed in this entry, dated 19 March, 1901, knows the power of her writing to unravel her own thinking to herself, much as I am endeavoring to do with this entwined selfdialogue that I have been engaged with (intently) for almost a year now. 147  % /iota <^fwf.dv fl (./wre//cASf/de tO'yo wft/wul dee// entf/re/y, o^r dial f/te Aou/rA of  eac/i/ o/oy would6e deuA/ed, /Aal jfrnfyAtAave tf/rne to- 6ee a/n/Afeel, a/ndf/ien 6if /owe tf/me to ref/ect on fl, to- /et die Mifwebbi&M wf/nd f/ief/r way /A/reuyAs rny ml/nd, 6et///nyAe/re a/nd/Aere f/iv6m.a//, dd/nnlny/oo/s,  or- meryf/ny wffA ofAer /AeuyAtA  a/nd/;roy/reMf/ny tewa/rdA Somey/real concA/Atonf ^ffrid/Aen ayai/n, ff^wou/dAaae Mane to- ajrfle fl a// down, to record fl a/A,for f/n f/tal act, ff^Aaeefeu/nd my f/wuyAlA  e/a/rf/ys (Ae/mAe/i<eA anduj/ial Afa/r/A aA a/n AyAfertccdAa/rA/f/ny cy^f/mf/reA-StonA reAo f/nfo avteap, a/n, f/rnaye aA /a.etd' a/n,d//reAenl aA a,/x/lnlf/ny.  (//.  f}/0)  An (Illustrated) Example of Disjunctive Learning At this point it seems prudent to introduce a section of writing that will illustrate, from the perspective of the artist, the process by which discovery is made through disjuncture using a/r/tography as a framework. The artists' self struggle is what makes the creative process real. It is a matter of going through to find self understanding. This is the point of an educational setting. To encourage risk in the safe confines of a classroom or studio, with a supportive peer group to catch you if you fall. Whether in writing, or sculpture (as in the next example) the outcome is similar, it is a tiring and painful process, but the transformation is real and worth while, answers to questions are formulated and new aesthetic combinations are understood. An art piece can find a point of resolution that would not be there if a  disjuncture is not lived.  148  The hermeneutic dialogic: Finding patterns midst the aporia of the artist/researcher/teacher (Rewrite #7 in this context)  "Passionate knowers use the s e l f as an i n s t r u m e n t o f understanding, s e a r c h i n g f o r new methods t o s o p h i s t i c a t e way the s e l f i s used i n r e s e a r c h " ( K i n c h e l o e , 1991, p.41) .  the  "The hermeneutic dialogic: Finding Patterns midst the aporia of the artist/researcher/teacher" The title that delighted one wakened night  122  "But the question of knowing what it means 'to experience the aporia,' indeed to put into operation the aporia, remains" (Derrida, 1993, p. 32.). 123  I write I wciYO^tc^wrWe/i^th^cCporia/  As when I build a sculpture, the surface of a plane is activated by the texture that is at play, so does a page come alive with the performativety of the fonts at play. In my opinion, their rhythms and interactions enhance the readability and enjoyment of the text. There are a series of 20, digitized SX70 photo-documents spaced throughout the text. These do not reflect the 'objectness' of the original SX70 prints, their saturated colour and richness, just as they did not reflect the 'objectness' of the original installation (art work) they were endeavoring to capture (it was never the intention to do so), however they do enact a strong 'memory', a (re) capturing that enables a researchers' eye (i) to consider their (s)p(l)acement in this document. These SX70's were originally used in the installation to record the temporality of the autoethnographic research methodology, (that of being in the gallery, reworking the piece and recording the process on a regular basis). Examples of SX70's in the installation can be seen in these images. They have come to represent a reflective process as they are both in and of the working praxis of the installation. They can now stand as an arts-based component of the original work (and can have further reflective considerations placed upon/within them, indeed more writing calling). However, it is not the intention of this 'chunk' to dwell 'outside,' but rather to keep my research centred on "the goal... to enter and document the moment-to-moment, concrete details ... (as) an important way of knowing" as Carolyn Ellis and Art Bochner (2000, p. 737) encourage us in their explorations of autoethnographic research. If arts-based educational autoethnographic research is based 'within' as Patrick Slattery (2001) would have us consider, then these SX70's are potentially visual reflections of that state, and this text endeavours to 'open' just a 'crack' of this arts based potential 122  123  a window through a/r/tography.  149  that my re&ecwch'placet- itself. Iv\zthe/pcdraycfdlyfu^xture-- wherv Cn/pratoiy, while/ engaged/ iAvthe/peaagogy cf the, worh that Ci-yculpture/ - the-place-where-(my) meaning- hec&mey and/ helongy in- Ctyprogreteiorvforward'cm/the;journey toa^ticlpate/m^OA^Lngcnitcrfthe^c^ called/to- do-. To present an embodied moment in the studio process of art making, that validates my embodied understandings, through the pedagogy of being becoming.  The h a r d e s t part i s non f o r m or formlessness. Can  we  imagine o r know t h i s  s t a t e o f non b e i n g ? It is Derrida's (1993) question:  "Is my death possible?" (p. 21)  150  The dictionary falls from the place/space - (s)p(l)ace -I had placed it moments ago after looking up 'syntagm'from (Derrida, 1993) "where do we situate the syntagm 'my death', as possibility and/or impossibility of passage?" (p. 23) not that it makes any difference to the aporia of reading Derrida. The denseness of the over-all, is far larger than bits of text taken 'out' trying to create meaning - the continual hermeneutic of meaning-making. I come back to the challenge of marking the progress through Derrida's Aporias (1993). I like the notion of the place of difficulty kept alive by the fact that I haven't got there - wherever there is. Reading it guaranteed placing me in/with aporia. Whenever I think I have an opening and I enter the text to pick a quote to 'hang it on', 'it' disintegrates.  151  This 'if is the same but different in both cases. The former is the paper as a concept, the latter is the 'hanger' for the concept. This constant destruction of the 'very heart of the matter' makes the project difficult but not impossible. Word-windows that Derrida seeks out, to work over and under, to find new ways around a (the) problem of aporia. Can I retreat from the mission? or am I driven on to find ways through the border land (Minh-Ha,  1992) that is inherent in this space  of not knowing/knowing  (simultaneously).  I know a work I don't know a work, a metonymy of place. Remain hidden from vision stay running ahead or behind. Needing its ambiguities its betrayals  152  to stay afloat.  Even in aporia I come to understand its function.  153  T wrote this, - (deeply) -1 feel so far from it now, as though I have lost the point of entry -I am fighting something inside that will not let me be - that seems to want to hold me down, that does not want to let go - to let being be, as it were.  How  d o  I  ( r e )  e n t e r ?  Find pressure points that spew guts for penetrated dialogue with a place to write from. What is my mission in the here and now?  I want to propose ... "Praxis is work that interacts with life and community concerns and is contextualized in human values. It is practice united with theory, subjectivity united with objectivity, action united with value" (Cary, 1998, p. 28).  Weekly Research There was a point in our research group's weekly gathering where one significance among many, was forced open - namely, the importance of the other. This 'opening' had its 154  incubation while I attended a presentation on Self-Study/Action Research: Is it R E A L L Y Research?, where Cynthia Nicol (2000) speculated that self-study wasn't so much about self as about the other, for without the other, the self  was redundant. This circling from other, to self, to other, to create meaning finds a home in philosophical hermeneutics and phenomenology. When engaged with/in art, it is in the circling from viewer, to art, to viewer that meaning is made. This hermeneutic that Susan Sontag (1966) called for as an 'erotics' in "Against Interpretation" is an engagement with the reality as found without the calling of external meaning, it may be of a 'truth', a 'truth' to that moment, to that group, to that understanding as it manifests itself. This meaning is universally true to that moment. Our research group was in a research cycle of creating meaning in and of the work we were doing and in our continuing dialogue with(in) it. For many art teachers their artist self is often neglected, hidden, even repressed, to conform to the 'norm' that is the teacher. We were in the researching process of validating our doing as artists, through each other and our work. That we were in the presence of research in our weekly meetings became abundantly clear to me as I enthusiastically cajoled a  155  fellow group member, "You are doing research, you are because you are here and that is what we are doing," as s/he questioned labeling our work research, choosing instead to label it simply art making (feeling more comfortable in a familiar place) and not research (this more difficult place in which we wished to dwell). For me it was the moment of being in and of 'the other.' In Hans Gadamer's words, I was "in the game" (1974, cassette recording, OISE). As a seagull lifts effortlessly from an angled white rooftop of my vision "Theory i s not l i m i t e d to but includes textual discussions and analysis set w i t h i n and/or alongside v i s u a l imagery of educational phenomena and/or performance" (Irwin, i n press, p. 27).  I centre on meaning recessed (gently) (hidden) deeply not to shut down the process before it has begun!!  156  spaces (in)between vibrant  places of newness embraced  as a child lights a flaming torch (softly) in a burning night  "...  t h e i n t e g r a t i o n o f t e x t and image i s an a c t o f b o r d e r l a n d  pedagogy, ignorance"  a way o f s h a r i n g  a third  space between knowing and  ( I r w i n , i n p r e s s , p. 2 8 ) .  I want to be in that which cries out from deep within  / envision a certain work I need to do I see plaster & rocks -  157  I see them wrapped and held I see two becoming one (Journal Notation, Morning, January 21, 2000)  I awoke this morning with an image bridging a connecting of one to another. I trcuv the wir&y ayr^neetin^ from/ they large; tower tcrthe ymcdler tower. (Ilemwch/puwwlj writtBn/befyr^studJjo^  mornir^ofjcuauary21,2000)  I shall use video and SX70 photography to document the task as an action I will document the reality a moment of  fulfillment  158  a vision/concept - constant since I started. I knew this part, but I don't know the whole -  the whole must change in the moment of doing the whole is my dialogic with the work, the research, the rigorous being that contemplates the strategies for movement within a predetermined number of coordinates of action. (Research Journal January 5, 2000)  i .„CL_..  I envision flat lines of art -research to belying dormant awaiting the call I want my being subverted, tantamount to 'knowing' inside As though I might find an answer in the deepest depths that are soul. How can I go deeper? How can I settle the quarrel once and for all, (impossible you quip) let us fly in light mind, as though angels (which we are), but how to get the light to shine always, not only in an abstract sense, but in the reality of the moment of being, to allow the spaces to 159  open, to feel the pure joy of the sun as it passes over head, as though singing - allow birds to be singers way up above the formless universe  The hard part is to actually get over to the gallery and do the work before the entire da has slipped away in otherness. (Research Journal January 16, 2000)  (The following is from my research journal written on January 22, the day after the studio action to which this writing is referring)  1 yiace the video camera onto the tripod as 1 am doing tfiis the concept for the wor£ chan see the top of the broken figure as part of this 'work' - Change 'Again -  1 dismantCe the second tower, get out the work Sox that had been the 'middfe' of the  retrieve the working tools from its chest - spread them - order them - 1 feelcomfortabfe in this pr body knowing 20 years of scufpting has taught me my process  I'm conscious of the camera, 1 canfeefits capturing eye - hut I'm comfortabfe - 1 settfe into the piaster work of joining the rocks - the piaster is doing what it should do -  1 need to fift it - as 1 am wrapping under the rock -1 hafance it on the marhCe bfock and one o piaster rofe boxes.  1 need more piaster as 1 have finished the roffl am working with -1 open the next hox of piaster 1 cut - unrolf ho fd the figure inpface dip andappfy working as it shoufd as 1 know by the feelthat my hands understand before my mind doeshut very auickfy 1 know thefeefis wrong - this rollisn't working right - ifeef tense -1 reafize my body is not comfortabfe - 1 am very conscious that it's not working - thepfaster goes pebbfy visceraf, tacky, with a sfippery contact - as 1 know it with my hands - I'm hofding the figure handreafizing this isn't behaving as it shoufd-1 am very seff aware -  160  'there is an argumentative inner diaCogue which ran something (ike this: "Cetgol" "foCCow the jrrocessl" as my mind races "Just Cet itgo!" "You can get some new j> faster - come Sack Cater -"  "idol" "1 want the figure on the rock." "Hut it is not working]" "Letgol" "Which am 1 to Cet go of?" '"the concept aCtogether?" '"the materiaCnot working?" "G)0 with the fCowl" "WhichfCow?" '"this isn't working]" "Let §o - Tindanother way!" "Yes, but if you just wait andgetfresh yCaster it wiCCwork reaCCy niceCy" 1 can feeC the yuCC to stay - an eauaCyuCCto continue to find the way through 1 try further down the in theyCaster roCe, mayhe it was just a had section hut no same thing yeShCy doesn't dry ! doesn't do anything -  Tm worried now - but eauaffy 1 wiffaffow it to be Wire comes intopfay The piece grips and everything changes around it. Suddenfy it is working - the wire hofds it becomes the centre of the second tower the rest has to work for it now Stamps, coin and cup are removed - too much baggage This is a sculptural process. It is a continual working through, not knowing where I am going, but needing to push on through the constant aporias. Watching the video document shows only an artist at work, it appears confident and self assured there is not the slightest indication of the anguished fretting internal dialogue as presented above. Learning (in) praxis I feel the need to write to that (s)p(l)ace - to write to the learning that has taken place as I've struggled to hold the three hats of artist/researcher/teacher. I have learned how hard it is to stay midst these three, to stay afloat, with all in simultaneous motion. I'm teaching three courses, doing research, being in the aporia of my praxis  I (re) learned what I already know, what we all know, as artists, that art learning is an embodied practice learned through praxis. A s a teacher of art I must always stay vigilant to this 'knowing'. A s a teacher I am also reminded of the power of the student as 'other,' that without this 'other' constantly reflecting back to me my (re) learning I am nothing. Without the 'other' honored as equal in the circling hermeneutic of learning and (re) learning I w i l l become ungrounded. Praxis (re) shows me - (re) learns me through the moment of being in that (s)p(l)ace of not knowing -1 (re)learned something I say all the time in my teaching - that it is in the letting go that we find, that we cannot be found until we are lost. Yes that is what I have learned -1 learned, (re) learned what I know but forget or hung onto too lightly.  162  I remember vividly knowing the work before I started -1 knew what I was going to do. I saw it. I wrote it. I (pre)wrote it - So I'd know or rather have a record of what I was going to do knowing it would change was part of my research agenda - to be in the aporia of my own doing. It was so simple -1 really did believe I was going to do what I set out to do -1 had no notion nor (s)p(l)ace for a change outside the confines of the degrees of change that I was prepared for - that once the material failed - well that was another thing - on one level I was not prepared to stay the course. I was (pre)programmed to believe that the plaster would operate as it always does -1 truly was taken aback - not prepared. I had to push myself through the moment of turning back allowing the disrupter to become operative, to not allow it to dictate a ceasing of my work. The power of that moment was a subversion to myself, a (re)learning, a (re)confirmation of what I know but equally what I forget, or rather, without the (re)learning in praxis my teaching is merely rhetoric.  " Vfithoutthe/ rejlejo(A/e<researcher rote/ - the/ relatuyn^hip ofprajciytoteaj^UAV^MJOiAlchbe/lxy^  - from/the/place/where/  it really mattery, from/the/ why oftfo&ertfire/thing/ - what it iy How thiy triaUty  artvyt f reyearcher [teacher ccmriecty." (Reflective/research/journal/ notation/January 25, 2000)  163  a wish to travel light.. to find that which turns up as I run through under brush, as I find full trees saps of life calling me forward & stones grounding me Cling to the pedagogical ecology!  "The Line I trace with my feet walking to the museum is more important and more beautiful than the lines I find there hung on the walls" (Rubin, 2000) the Viennese architect Friedensreich Hundertwasser inscribed this on the wall of the KunstFfausWien museum dedicated to his work. This notion of the importance of the moment of being inside the process of being "Don't go backwards, don't turn away from these messy secret tales that no method can outrun and make all right, as if they did not speak to us, as if we did not hear them, as if the agencies of the world were always just our own." (Jardine, 1997a, p. 165)  164  I awoke this morning with an image bridging  a connecting of one to another. I saw the wires connecting from the large tower to the smaller tower.  / am (re)searching the process of my own doing  ' "ifwe dare to engage in tfie dymmicjnvcess of(coking at u%efiehd(ofeaucatkid) using new tools an  areas which have Seen uncharted andtreacherous, we may enter insecure territory, hut one that meaning we may not have otherwise encountered' (Tischman, 200i,j>. 32). 165  I know a work I don't know a work, a metonymy of place. Remain hidden from vision stay running ahead or behind. Needing its ambiguities its betrayals to stay afloat.  Even in aporia I come to understand its function  124  The digitized SX70's represented here form a part of a performative sculptural installation I began on January 6, 2000, at the Lookout Gallery, Regent College, University of British Columbia, as part of an arts-based research exhibition entitled A Pied: Exploring Artist/Researcher/Teacher Praxis. A symposium on the subject, was held on January 29, 2000, at which time a working model of this text was presented along side the original video data on which it is based. To view an alternate colour version please see; de Cosson, A. (2002). The hermeneutic dialogic: Finding patterns amid the aporia of the artist / researcher / teacher, ajer The Alberta Journal of Educational Research, xlviii (3), article on CD-ROM insert. A similar  version can be found in: Irwin, R., de Cosson, A. (Eds.), (in press). A/r/tography as Living Inquiry. Victoria, AUS: theLearner, Common Ground Publishing. 166  Theory practice / praxis under(inter)standings: There are, as I said, long long sections of writing that must be left for another day of editing, another day of understanding, another day of interstandings, as a dissertation can only handle so much. What they do reflect, however, was my growing commitment and understanding of my project. How deeply embedded I became in my practice, of yard work, daily writing, and prayer (which has an affinity to daily writing and self reflective research) all embodied through practice. What I hope to tease from these endless pages of collected data are those that talk to the richness of the experience of coming yet closer to an embodied understanding of practice, its connection to praxis and its usefulness to teaching and learning in the studio/classroom setting. February, 29 2002 I will venture off to try skate/writing, I look forward to reading it later. As Randall (1995) says, " just as the events of my life are changed in the experiencing, so the experiences of my life are changed in the expressing" (p.55). It is this 'expressing' in which I am interested, the writing through the experience of my doing, how the expressing, in this case the text, that is then modified and changed through building of a sculptural understanding to create a new meaning as text units or chunks are walked, skated and stacked in relational positions.  £ffies& a>a/Ai ^ f o r m i n g  a pedagogy  I am understanding my desire to deal with this walking pedagogy, to understand why I am so drawn to it, that it is walking as practice, it is feeling through the body, that walking talks, it allows me to know in a real way. It helped get closer to such questions as: Why do I have to walk every day? Why does my body cry out if I don't? Why is it so important to my balance? How is it connected to sculpture, research and teaching?  167  That even when I don't want to walk I do, even when my mind is saying, you don't need to do this, I go. I write through the aporias of the daily not knowing/knowings.  To the roots of finding meaning through praxis (Denman Island) The immense pleasure of being here - a retreat - a peace - a silence. The fire warms my right side and the hum of the fridge takes over my left ear. The crackle of the fire at a lower note on the right and tea sitting on the milking stool. The deliciousness of this moment, wanting to have it forever, knowing the impossibility of such a desire- knowing this escape is only an illusion. However, I feel the growth of spirit to handle the rougher edges of my life - I feel the spirit coming alive, that which feeds me, my self, my being-becoming-meaning. I am endeavoring to clear a stump from its clinging soil so I can lift some of the root out of the septic field. It is slow work, digging out roots, as I cannot see where they go. They are always beneath the soil, I can guess at their general direction but a root can veer suddenly down, left or right - over, under, entangle, spur a new growth - all covered - all below the surface. As I scrape and claw, shovel and disturb the earth, to flush out roots, it feels like I am getting nowhere. I am not moving. I had a rush of knowing loneliness as a physical unit, as a three dimensional presence, it was all tied into this  effort to unearth the root and this not seeing where / how / when its completion would materialize. This loneliness was also tied to knowing 'the enormity of this work,' and do I even want to do it? (I know it must be done or risk creating problems with the septic field.) It's also tied up in anger (small) at myself, as I could have plucked the seedlings with a twist of the wrist when I did the others. How many times in life do I have to learn the same lesson? of hindsight, of foresight, of knowing and not acting, too tired, too busy, too stupid. I had known I was letting these saplings through, and for some reason, which I cannot now fathom, I let them grow. We sometimes create problems that need solving by our own diligence through praxis (Pearse, in press, 1994).  168  Praxis(ed) time:  The notion of time, of a fleeting moment passing, our loss, if not utilized to its fullest. The filling of time with just the right ingredients of work, play, engagement and stress. There are longer and shorter units inside this editing week (which is simply another unit of a larger whole). I feel like I'm much better at the smaller units - the units that go into one day for instance, or even the smaller ones of the here and now, the working through of writing this paragraph, right now, right here, the circling back on it, the (re)interpretation, the struggle to unearth its meaning. As I do with the root; not knowing its way, glimpses of a larger picture feed a continued struggle to unearth roots to deeper meaning. The earth is then smoothed over and a possibility of new seedling's germination is once again born, a cycle of earth's being-becoming beyond our interference. Our praxis is human time, these units of days, minutes, weeks, years, life-times, all adding to a whole that does not end. Human time is finite, this is the crux of it, as Derrida reminds us with his question of knowing our own death. We can play with this concept but we cannot truly know it. However, it is our understanding of it (or rather our knowing of its finality) that gives our life its unit, its time meaning. "Praxis is theory and practice. "  I write as I continue this fireside rumination. Art is praxis, praxis is practice and theory - theory through practice.  I look up praxis only to discover that it falls to the practice side of the equation. Both the Collins and Chambers dictionaries have it on the practical side of professional practice as opposed to the theoretical, the Oxford English Reference (Persall & Trumble, 1995/1996) simply states "the practicing of art or skill" (p. 1138), this begs the question of how I have it so embedded in a liminal space between the two, practice and theory. Its etymology provides me with added assurance of it not being situated in a liminal space, but that it is embedded in a place of action, "from medieval Latin from Greek, = doing, from prasso do." This helps me see praxis through theory set up as a binary 'in opposition to' theory. When I set about looking up praxis a few moments ago, I said, "but I must have looked it up so many times before," almost dismissing my ACTION, my PRAXIS from  169  happening. As I was to subsume to my theory already accepted (by myself) - thereby eliminating further learning. ffipamA16 /ww we leaswv  action  Thoughts on praxis and A/r/tography  Praxis is what artists do; all the theory in the world is not going to make interesting work. So it is praxis that calls me, in fact this purer form (if we can use such a term) is even more relevant. In many ways it is clearer. Keeping it in a liminal space as I had been doing diminished its power, as it was neither this nor that, and yet it was a fundamental word for our research. 125  Maybe I did have a clearer notion of it once and then it got enmeshed into a liminal (messier) meaning, which still held appeal as it encapsulated that inseparable place of theory/practice (that I wished to emphasize). In fact maybe no word is better. Allow the hybrid space, that (s)p(l)ace between theory and practice, to remain a nameless space, (as many things are that occupy the liminal), the in-betweens of our stated (s)p(l)ace of study is the space where A/r/tography can slip soundlessly (possibly occupying) for a/r/tography is a liminal concept a neither this nor that.  The why of our A/R/T acronym lies in this conundrum. We call it a/r/tography to dig deeper; it houses different meanings to all of us. The most consistent is this digging, this archeology of sifting through the layers of our praxis to discover meaning, or at least place a  Often a powerful (s)p(l)ace, many times demonstrated in this text. 170  layer of meaning, however illusive - meaning for whom? to whom? Who is our audience? Who do we want to affect change with? How does this change come about? Can a/r/tography change viewers? How useful is this if they are left in a state of not knowing? Maybe it is rather a state of not knowing/knowing and thus a generative one that opens to further possibilities and new understandings. As Dr. Ted Aoki said after our Dec, 5, 2001 performance at UBC, 9  WGA  n&alLf, dehcjJited witk  uritk tke denlei only,  oJ apoAetic  off tke cvU kut  a^vecdotei tkat  ojf tke  •y&uA, p&ifptotui*tce.  mamenti  antuti  9 wcA oe/uf,  much  taken  eunA tke te/Uei, faxuiAfpAAncdiOMA,, wot  kimAeljj OA. ketAeljj tkAxyuak tke  tefUei  you kcuae (jiueti uA. 9 cum jd&it Apeil Lo44*ul ta eJCfiesUence a  •pA^tleutcutuMi, Auck aA, yawiA, co^ujAxdd^cMxmA.  Ted recognized that it was through the aporia (difficulty), of the collective selves that are performing that the spaces open and come alive for generative growth. We invite viewer/participants into our praxis, as artist/researchers/teachers and give them art to contemplate, art that has transpired through the process of our collective beings-becoming. It is a collective growth, it is interdependent and larger than the individual parts growth through individual praxis feeding a whole  "Artists with their skilled perception, collaborative experience, understanding of special relationships, empathetic abilities, unconventional thinking and openness to the abnormal, illogical or overlooked will lead the way to a richness of social research that is currently underused" (Kiendl, 2002, p. 61).  Artists develop theory through praxis. I feel secure in what I have always believed - that the power of art falls in the doing - the praxis - that once I can free my students to engage in their praxis, their prassos, they are liberated and begin their individual journey through aft making to self understanding and growth. Just as our A/R/T/S research group continued to develop new material out of the existing praxis data to produce radically altered art as research through our collective praxis.  Meaning does come out of the words 171  That meaning does come through the play with words, a praxis of words, is also part of this process. I have gone back into past chunks of writing and read what I now have forgotten, a strangely haunting endeavour as it dredges up pieces of (hi)story that would otherwise be lost. What makes these pieces of personal past important? A good question, and indeed they are not all important, however they do help point to the terrains and paths that have been investigated on the journey, and thus I can open up the process for others to have a glimpse of the inner workings and the possibilities, as new elements get discovered. It is this hermeneutic of continual cycling backwards and forwards, this research, this a/r/tography, that engenders new meanings. A good example of this is from journal entry March 1,2002: (Research journal reflection)  nve ' {9^aJ&,  1995, p . 52).  These changed 'self-stories' are found at each horizon line (Gadamer, 1965/1986) as I from one to the next. Understanding is not a finite equation, it is a continually expanding one. The summitless (Haskell, 2000) mountain metaphor plays perfectly into this metonymic space, as the words cancel each other out. There cannot be a summitless mountain, and yet as a metaphor we can conceptualize it, a metonymic moment of grasping/not grasping an understanding. A dissertation is such a (s)p(l)ace, for each step walked earns a new understanding of where the previous step has been and still leaves future steps blank.  172  Another day of this brilliant sun shine and I find my self-racing towards the finish line and I have to remind myself to stay focused. To heed my own words. It is the walk that counts, neither the getting there nor the anticipated satisfaction of having done, but to remain in the presence of the work. To enjoy the process, to feel the body in action / doing, to feel the presence of action in / through /with the body. As I kneel in the morning, I am reminded that it is in the action of doing through the body that I come to understand what is the doing. This praxis of body / mind / soul / Cfd/J  To understand my own world I have always been this way; that is why I am a sculptor. Not to build large objects for other people, but to understand my own world. As Ross Laird (2001) reminds us in his excellent lament "spoken through" (p. 63), the craft of wood working, "without a spirit of discovery, the work is just a technical exercise" (p. 31). My grade two teacher would order me to "empty my pockets," as I always had them 126  full of bits of string, wire, cork and other (useful) bits and pieces, so that I could build desktop wonders behind a raised book, there creation may well have related to the lesson at hand. However, my teacher only saw stuff to confiscate as I wasn't "paying attention" to what she wanted me to learn. She, ncd a&eiruj. v)JiaZ  3  WOA  pcujiruj, aZtwitLan, la.  Those spaces in-between that she  could not see, as Schoemperlen, (2001) helps us understand in her contemplation, Ordinary Time is afftfiese days tfiat hfend one into the next without exceptionaf incident, goodor had; affthose days unmarked hy either tragedy or cefehration.  Ordinary time is the spaces hetween events, theparts ofa fife that do not shew up in  photo afhums orget tofdin stories. In reaffife, this is the hufh ofmostpeopfe's fives. Hu  in fiterature, this is the part that doesn't make it into the hood. T'his is the fine spac  Oh, I hated to go to her desk, as to me she had an over powering smell, (from my young nose's impressionable perspective) an old person smell that I reacted strongly to. I remember staying away from her as much as possible. 126  173  Between scenes, the Bfanh hafp>age at the end of a chapter, andthe next one Be with a sentence fihe: T'hreeyears Cater he was dead. (p. 160)  I am intrigued with how many spaces turn up. How attracted I am to them, to these nothing areas and how I am almost jealous when others talk about them. How I want them to be all mine and I don't want to share them. These enigmas that 1 understand so easily and yet don't understand. It is that calling to spaces that have no clear boundaries, that are not definable precisely because they are only spaces and spaces have no defined area. Or rather the defined area is subjected to what is around them. By moving one, the space will change, it is a negative that is created by a positive, that always exists but also never exists, or rather cannot be controlled in the same positivistic manner that a known can be. This is the attraction, this is what pulls How to get closer to that negative space and not be confined by a positive? It is what we do not see that is important. I hear Canadian sculptor Krzysztof Wodiczko saying, in response to a New York City poverty activist's negative understanding of his poverty inspired 'Vehicle Project,' (1987), "This is precisely what it should be, in that it should not be, it is in its impossibility as an answer that its meaning lies." 1 too strive for an impossibility, I do not want 127  to be confined by a known, but how then to write and produce an unknown? It rains a peaceful writing  drumming  on the new computer.  on the roof. I realize  The key board  I will not be able to do extensive writing wrist  already  is pleasant,  at this position,  this is the first and I also  realize  I can fee my  tightening.  One of my strongest memories in my grade two class still shines through; I remember vividly a picture on the wall. A picture hanging in the corner over by the counter with the pencil sharpener. A picture of a path meandering up a mountain, rocks and boulders stopping the way, the symbolism clear, a rocky path we tread, but we can get there. That was a reassuring picture, one that talked to me, I understood instinctively that journey. I saw already various rocks and precipices that I would encounter on my way. It talked of a peaceful journey, that it wasn't in gaining a mountaintop, but in the walking through / with / in our lives, that peace was Wodiczko, (1989). Projections: The art of Krzysztof Wodiczko (Film). (Available from The National Film Board of Canada, Ottawa, ONT.). 127  174  engendered. For my grade two soul this was a reassurance, as I felt I too could walk the path and get to wherever it was I was to go. I was not a successful student, I didn't do well, but I always looked back and saw that image as a place of hope. The image of a path walked, however rocky, was worth walking for its own sake, there does not have to be external motivation, to walk is to walk is to walk. My grade two teacher was an ogre who killed any ounce of creativity in her class and in me. However, she did give me a visual image that I clung to as she drew the classes' attention to my misbehavior or lack of abilities, (in her eyes), as once again she confiscated something buildable from me. She never enquired what it might be for, or how it may have been significant to me. But here is the rub, I would most probably have been unable to answer her anyway. It was not about language, it was about the doing that I was involved in, I wasn't trying to articulate with words, either written or spoken. I was articulating through my doing, almost an autistics' instance of another language, that no one wanted to understand. Not until much later, in university, did I discover there was another language, one that demanded expression in something other than words written or spoken. Oh the tyranny of the text, the power of these letters to hold attention as they make quick linear connections to our cognition cells that eagerly eat them up. And now I choose these symbols to wrestle with, to play with, in a tangled dance of metaphor and metonymic spaces  to try and crack some new space of seeing, of learning, of understanding  As Eric cracked open a (s)p(l)ace of connecting to a young student from Ecuador, by talking to him in Spanish, honoring his place in the class as they created amazing sculptures out of clay (Grauer, Irwin, de Cosson, & Wilson, 2001, n. p.). I was never encouraged to build an answer to a problem in any material other than pencil and paper, my natural medium relegated to the rubbish bin. Art allows for communication that can continually change and fragment anew. Text can also do this, but so often it is hijacked to serve the hegemonic hierarchies of the status quo. Many teachers do endeavor to crack the spaces, to use art in their classrooms as points of freedom and not restraint, but there is little freedom in the continual drive to achieve conformity by yet another standardized tested level of excellence. 175  / call for us to walk care(fully), stealth(fully) forward walk carefully, a/r/tfully and with freedom  I don't want to be a leader, but what is a teacher if not a leader? I set the walk and I try to lead well so the journey is one of peace and discovery that we all grow from A WHOLE A PLACE OE GROWTH FOR ALL "Sometimes, all we need is the willingness and our inner process will do the rest" (Schaef, 1998, p. 131). This is what I am endeavoring to provide, a (s)p(l)ace for space to collect data as writing which is then a subject of work as I endeavor to come to terms with it I am drawn to quote Ellis & Bochner, (2000) "to show how important it is to make the researchers own experience a topic of investigation in its own right" (p.733).  To show the importance of art in writing in text which is a subject of work still so little gets done it gets confusing.  m  "I'd rather move forward, yet I'm aware that in my creative work there are times when the momentum departs, energy dwindles, the safe passage vanishes, and all comes to shuddering halt" (Laird, 2001, p. 80). Such a long walk! I forget that I am walking! It is the accumulation of one step after another that makes the walk. The walk does not exist in my mind, it can only exist one step after one step along the path towards an often allusive destination. "The texts are facts for the walker and fiction for everyone else/Walking into distance, beyond imagination" (Fulton, p. 29). 128  176  As I (re) read this text I am struck by the aporia of it. I wrote in my research journal (October, 30, 2002) "I read Derrida still with a thick fog but every now and then with glimmers of exactitude."  Oh the sun grows hot This not that - that not this To get to the nub - to brush the surface  I will endeavor to crack the nut that is my body - knowing that I need to be in it at all times. Do I then walk with the computer more as a metaphor for what I connote? or do I go out and get the computer chip applied as fast as possible so that live data feeds can continue at all time of night and day and then where would I be?? Kit Grauer, my advisor, laughingly responds, "I used to sleep with my lap top to get the thoughts transferred."  129  Again kernels of truth, if I am really in it I need to be with it, to allow the through to have space. The physicality of walking with it does enhance this notion, I do feel connected like I have never before - the electronic version of the diary with additional powerful capabilities. The ability to gather digital images and simply drop them in. (I see the images encroaching the text, the text blending with images, the two becoming one with the whole ) 130  this I know I may do  I keep seeing it. I see this version of text and image running together, the blurred steps, the swinging leg, I can put them in. But more often they become the markers of the text: they are the signifiers. The points of (art)iculation that we played with in Victoria.  131  Hallway meeting March 23, 2002. See de Cosson, A . (2002) The hermeneutic dialogic: Finding patterns amid the aporia of the artist/researcher/teacher, ajer: The Alberta Journal of Educational Research, xlviii (3), (Article on C D - R O M insert). 129  130  177  March 2, 2002 Jaala is scratching the door I will use it to go for a walk and have a chat with Lori, one of my mother's caregivers. Well I missed her as she has headed down to the garden apartment again and I don't want to disturb their peace and quite. M y parents are planning to go to Denman tomorrow, a good idea as the change is good for Pa. And Ma, well she thinks she is there half the time anyway. Yesterday morning she woke my father at 6:00 am. with worried words, "we have to go over the other side, we must hurry or we will be late for the funeral." Today she was insisting on going to church, as it must be Sunday (it is Tuesday). It is these that my father sees ... And still with absolute patience he looks after her, he cooks, he shops, he baths her, he truly and deeply loves her. I am mindful as I watch them in these final years together, hoping that I am learning a pedagogy of patience and love that I may bring to my teaching, my life and my vision for our collective future. ( o h s u c h dee-ply p e r s o n a l  talking  How are t h e s e  o f death.) I aste over  u.sefu.1 t o  a  i feet t h e  pflliA, o f t h e i r w r i t i n g ,  knowing  I  avu.  dissertation?  and over again.  s t i l l i dwell  finding  revelations.,  rhythms,  flm.oiA.gst  allowing  these passages  - drflvviA,  t h e m , t o tfllfe bflcteto  into  then*.,  editing,  we, allowing a s p i r i t  (re) editing, of t m t h  out.  "In my own creative practice a particular moment arrives when the work begins to breathe with its own life, when its shapes and turns cannot be claimed entirely by my hand" (Laird, 2001, p. 63).  I must walk the dog, not fair to her, she is now whining  O K OK!! Linds, W., de Cosson, A., Laroche, L., & Purru, K. (2001). Four per(form)ing: (Art)ticulations in educational research. 2 Annual Conference on Curriculum & Pedagogy with Arts-Based Educational Research, October, 10-13, 2001, Victoria, B C . 131  nd  178  Now at the beach and I read Ellis & Bochner (2000) and realize I saw them perform this at the Learning Love Conference and how powerful it was to hear Carolyn 132  perform through the death of her brother. Reading of the cycling backwards and forwards, around the (s)p(l)aces of being in, I suddenly see a dream was it last night? I don't know feels recent And it sits static as an image of self going to other, to self (and the 'other' is self) In a perpetual circle which precludes movement AT the time it was a form of night-mare but also a warning It had that BE AWARE (Type)ography fringe to it  What does it mean? I think it is to do with the reflexivity of the concept of autoethnography. How in fact you cannot live constantly in that state, as then you (I), our eyes (Fs) are not, cannot be alive!! To be alive I have to be in the moment of the moment. This came to mind in this morning's prayers, as I entered a meditative state and duddetUif 9 am tUeteAea/udtdemand I am looking at me doing prayer and I know I cannot be in that place and also inhabit the contemplative - meditative, the two are mutually exclusive. I had to relax through it, words of "allow the thoughts to pass through you, come back to your centre." A centre which is meditative, which flows into the prayer and becomes all there is, a moment of prayer takes over in 'flow' (Csikszentmihalyi, 1990). Another image that recurs a lot, as I write through this  UBC May 4-6, 2000. 179  thinking, is the study I used for my masters thesis, being immersed in the process of doing, 133  134  so that all else becomes secondary.  135  Literally to sleep with the computer as I did the other night and to bring it with me as I 136  walk so that I can respond to the moment of thoughts that seem to propel me forward.  The sun is HOT ... and the sound of the surf is a constant in the background/ foregrounding ships nestled out there and Jaala does her gruff bark, as she seems to pick up some smell The tide is out and a cawing of a Raven is answered back and forth, and I hear sounds of snowshoes on the snow I suddenly realize I must go snow shoeing. Another form of walking to try in the quite of the mountain that looms so strong behind me. £Put  ijauA,  COA,  to Xne, •Hoc, cia&eA,  ie&exx/icn te/xt. XJlie. text  ta ine. \iAyvaa,. SjtfXen. Sfv&ve, <WL  atneA,  huyXd, catteA ana i&caM&a  in  Xne,  wo-fc/iteotWiiittj, (^vaaaviA, hoQ&ia., and- OxiineXimeA i&wminateA.. 9Cea/z. tKe &cnacA belay),  oj! muttiy£e-  -OXM-CCA,  rruittiy£e, aiAcauAAeA. §>meM  five. atibeA.  contexta. in v)$iic%i ttveAe, V)AZU}&.  Iva/ie ivd&a  ( j&u>e-D{!apie/L, 1 997, JJ.. 1 94)  133  de Cosson, (1996), Creativity and the Working Artist/Teacher: The Relationship. Unpublished  Masters Thesis, Brock University, St. Catharines, Ontario. Cawelti, S., Rappaport, A., & Wood, B. (1992). Modeling artistic creativity: An empirical 134  study. The Journal of Creative Behavior, 26(2), 83-94.  1 utilized data generated by the research of Cawelti, Rappaport, and Wood (1992). The data were generated by a group of 5 faculty members from The University of Northern Iowa, recognized for their expertise in the arts (a painter, a poet, a sculptor, a novelist, and a photographer). They were asked to respond to the following statement: "In as much detail as you like, list the things that you did, thought, or felt the last time you created an artistic product." The researchers produced three models of the creative process, each building on the previous, with the resultant third, being in my opinion, an excellent illustration (text/visual) of the creative process. Model three presented a "multi-dimensional view of the creative process: time, space, observatility, and consciousness" (p. 90). Model Three utilized a visual mapping device along the bottom of the page linked to text segments above. Both the visual and the text were interrelated so that they harmonized into a comprehensive "picture." This was a powerful rendition of the complex mechanism involved in the creative process. Having a DVD reader in the laptop facilitates the viewing of film while snuggled in bed with the low flicker of light not disturbing Jean. 180 135  136  Breakdown of a word (etymology) or how we understand more deeply Autoethnography, (auto) self, (ethnos) culture, (graphy) writing As in research process. Self and culture writing (research) is what I am doing. "reflexive ethnographers ideally use all their senses, their bodies, movement, feeling, and their whole being— they use the "self" to learn about the other"  (Ellis & Bochner, 2000, p. 741). Both dogs are now barking. At what?? There is nothing there. As they state their presence to the world. Nuts they are. My body tells me to move on.  Yes that is it, I must finish the walk. I have been tying the tree trimmings into three-foot bundles that are required for recycling. They make such exquisite objects, they embody a/r/tography, a/r/tography embodies active thinking, they are the esthetic considering of the practice of Yard Work. They embody praxis.  Pedagogy of process  I photograph them, however without sun they cannot shine light so important to their being - living things of beauty. Still I record them; I know each bundle represents about twenty minutes work, so as I put bundle after bundle out for collection, I can (re) think time. A part of me wants to keep them - to put them in a gallery - but that isn't it either. They need to go on their way - they have a place to go (to become mulch that we can buy back from the municipality!). For me it is the process of doing that is important; I no longer want to cling to the product, but rather recognize the process and then to let go LET Go  So it is not just "letting go of a concept" (as in the gallery idea above), it is letting go of the object all-together. 'Ah yes,' you say, 'but didn't you just say that you took photos of them, isn't that the same thing??' Well I'll have to think about that  Jean should be home momentarily, as we have a date. We will go for our walk and then to see Tn the Bedroom', which has garnered good reviews. 181  The sun dips behind clouds and the chill returns, but a fine day otherwise. A little more tidying up before she comes home.  Jaala wines, she comes and puts her head in my face as if she is saying something but I'm not sure what it is. Could be, I want to go in it's cold, could be, I want you to feed me.  "We create ourselves through memory. ... We work this way when we are concerned to share our perceptions of what it is to be an artist... Central to this way of working ... is the role and articulation of memory." (Stewart, 2002, p.l)  In reminiscing about her transition to becoming a writer, Margaret Atwood (2002) muses, "It wasn't the result but the experience that had hooked me: it was the electricity." She goes on to say "my transition was from not being a writer to being one was instantaneous, like the change from docile bank clerk to fanged monster in ' B ' movies." She goes on to tell a story by asking the rhetorical question, "Who do you think you are?" in relationship to a young girl (herself) who can learn a poem easily. Her teacher has her rewrite each line three times and stay in after school to complete the task. The young girl was not to think she was in any way better than anyone else in the class, "the teacher's attitude is one that all artists in Western society of the past two hundred years, but especially those in smaller and more provincial places, have found themselves up against" (P. D 8 )  137  A breeze and a view of the sea, I must home to breakfast, I am starving. Jaala sighs deeply behind me, the comfort of the back seat taking hold.  The rest of the day becomes a blur as I try to catch up on sleep Knowing how grumpy it can make me. I have the breakfast, eggs, ham and tomato on bagel, very nice way to start the day. I then start to read Fox & Geichman (2001), Creating Research Questions from Strategies and Perspectives of Contemporary Art.  Excerpted from Negotiating with the Dead, in The Globe and Mail, Books section, March 2, 2002. 137  182  An excellent call for arts-based research to reach beyond mere decorative and to use the concepts and ideas generated by contemporary art to push the research to more dynamic insights. Where is the laughter? Where is freedom? in educational research, the authors ask. "Why is educational research so energy-less, so absent of freedom and play" (p. 45). The authors suggest that contemporary art can shake us up, confront, destabilize and they wonder why can't our research do the same? "Another boundary used by contemporary art is the physical excitement of the maker, the physicality of the making" (p. 37).'  3li  I then fell asleep for an hour to wake to that groggy place of not knowing and fuzz that is the brain and it all feels a wash out  A/R/T meeting March 8, 2002 The following is from my research journal: We turned the tapes on trying to get them into sync and then letting them run, the performance being viewed for the second time by our group and for the first time on tape by 'our outsider' Patti Pente, who has joined us (she had watched the Dec. 5, performance). We watch, but have determined that this time we will interrupt, deconstruct, play with at will, as we see fit, as the tapes play. We know we want to get this thing unraveled, that we want to use it as a catalyst, we have talked about this, we know this can move us in a new direction.  We watch for maybe five minutes when Patti suggests this is when she would "zone out" (her words). I thought she was talking about in the actual performance that she watched, but no she is talking about the experience of watching TV. We begin to play Wendy wonders about the esthetic of the monitors, could we get all four on one giant projection screen? An idea developed from something Rita suggested. Patti and Stephanie like the monitors. Patti interjected "all teachers know these, they are classroom 138  This talks to me of the making, building and forming of this visual (text)u(r)ality of writing.  cJrve pi^j/MxxiJlttj, o |  tike,  nmJktvcj,  that creates this sculpture / installation / text. 183  connecting, they are an everyday esthetic" (Research tape March 8, 2002). Patti suggests human intervention with the monitors, bodies in-between the monitors the 'spaces.' Stephanie goes up and places herself into the space, interrupts the dialogue on the screen. We are paying no attention to the dialogue, we are having a very engaged (re)dialogue through /with / in the piece, the piece is generating the dialogue. Without the tapes playing we would not have proceeded as we did.  We ask why we are watching it in a row, why not from the four corners? The TV's get pulled out into the center of the space and rearranged into four, looking out to the four quadrants, forming a cross in the middle of the space. We continue to dialogue as the performance unwinds on the tape. From somewhere comes the notion of working in an artist, how we reference artists and how each of us may bring these into the conversation. How Contemporary art can free us. I bring up the article I have just been reading as it seemed to talk to this issue. How contemporary art gives us permission 139  and begs us to move out of old formulas into new dynamics that are not tried and true, that push us to ask more questions than to state understood answers. That embrace the difficulty of understanding, that it is not linear, that it is multiple and multilectic. We begin to understand that what we were working for is informed by contemporary art. What can we offer to contemporary art? Where do we fit in? We were thinking of bringing artists into the dialogue, not to explicate them but to have them as part of the dialogue, to have them feed into our understandings / interstandings of the group dynamic. We are all informed by different artists, different areas of the vast contemporary field. So much choice. We all want this work to inform our own movement forward, that the research be stimulatingly generative, productive to each individuals needs. There was excitement with this idea of bringing in the 'outside artists' how we see them grounding us, giving a framework.  They are the moldings of our philosophical perspectives.  Fox & Geichman, (2001).  184  Autres territoires I think of the Montreal artist Sylvia Safdie who Gerard Wajcman (2000) refers to as "an artist of earths" (p. 51) and how many times her rocks and ground (as in, of the earth) embracing works come to me. Also the German artist Wolfgang Laib. These are two artists who get close to what I want to express. It is that groundedness that I want in my work. That I see connecting to my Yard Work. That these artists give me a philosophical grounding. I suggested I never used to look for that. I was interested only in building, in getting on with it. In the doing of my prassos. In the early days of my career I wasn't interested in constituting my work within a framework of 'others.' This interest in the other and working collectively is new for me. The work of the A/R/T research group is truly collective for without the 'us,' without the collective, it doesn't work. "One might say the equation for these pieces would be something like 1+1=3; perhaps this is the magical equation for all artistic creation" (Wajcman, 2000, p. 68). For instance, in the previous research meeting, how did we get to that moment of talking about artists? Who interjected what? (My research notes indicate that it was me who said artists.) But that is irrelevant, as I wouldn't have interjected it without the previous comment, which was predicated on the previous and so on all the way back, to where? It is possible it went back to the careful negotiating of the starting dynamics, when someone referred to me as director. "Well, we were waiting for our director," I heard as I entered the room. This touched a nerve even though lightly said and really had no significance other than it stuck with me. I don't like to think of myself as such. I like to think of this collective as amorphic with a moveable form, that shakes itself out leaderless. That we all have different and diverse contributions to make through our varied understandings. This was reiterated in this research session when we talked of where and how this work was affecting us, and what we thought we might do with it. Sam often throws in a conjuring (as in magic) remark that shifts the whole discussion and stimulates further movement. For instance, Sam reminded me today of the extreme autobiographical nature of all of our contributions when he talked of his mother. His need to relate to her, to comment again on that relationship and the understanding of his pedagogy and art making in the process of being in this group. Sylvia talked of her deepening understanding of her teaching through the process of the work on this collective. For me it reinforces the importance of process, that without our meeting and  185  discussions, like today, we would not be moving, creating anew. The hermeneutic, as Stephanie likes to remind us, is vital to this work. We are connecting through praxis with the work. When it was suggested that we meet next Thursday at Western Front, I didn't want to 140  go. "No, I am trying not to meet, "I must write," I said. "No meetings." (This was at the beginning of our meeting when I was feeling a conflict between my roles, the role of writing this and my role as member of this group. I was feeling protective of my writing space, how hard it had been to get myself into it.) And then after this enlivened, dynamic hour of talking over / through the tapes it was suggested that we meet the following Friday at Western Front where we would also have an A/R/T/S meeting. I suddenly wanted to go. Somehow this made sense to me, being drawn by the dynamics of the group, the stimulus of the discourse. How these things change / hadn't seen a connection before and suddenly there is  Although there had been a voice at the back of my head saying "it may be good writing material"  This notion of the traveler on a mission of discovery, not always knowing, directionless, questioning, wondering where the 'start' is written by Wajcman (2000) as he contemplates Safdie's nomadic collection of world traveled natural objects which he correctly observes "are less instances of dreamy or adventurous drifting than the silent memory of the great migrations which have drawn the map of the world" (p. 67). Safdie asks the questions of the viewer, the hard questions of identity and place, knowing full well that she cannot give answers, that for her "the work in progress of art appears to come like an echo or an answer to the work in progress of the world" (p. 67). This sentiment is echoed by the Israeli/American artist Michal Rovner (2002),"// is very dangerous to have fixed ideas about things, because then you don't allow for change. The basis of change is the ability to create. If we stop making something new out of what there is, we are not alive anymore" (p. 141). And:  Sometimes leaving means taking distance. But not always, because to take distance supposes that we leave a place that belongs to us, really our own, forever and for always, from which, if we leave it, we would now be more or less close or far, at the mercy of the wind. There are other travelers for whom leaving a place does not  An artist run contemporary gallery in downtown Vancouver that has been at the forefront of local artistic expression for many years. 186 140  necessarily mean distancing themselves, because they don't ever really know where their place is, which one it is, because it's perhaps up ahead, or elsewhere, because their place is perhaps where they have never been, where they might never go, because perhaps it's the journey itself. (Wajcman, 2000, p. 66) March 29, 2002. Do I keep writing or go to church? I can miss but it was to be my practice through lent, this is where I get confused, as I need to write but I also need to live my practice and which takes precedent? I write and feel the flow, will I be able to come back and pick it up or will it have faded into the background as the day's needs grab on as they always do. The phoning, e-mail, the needs of this and that. But this is the point, to stay in this difficulty, this aporia, and find the rhythms of these events and to flow (easily) through them I am to leave right now!!!!! I arrive a few minutes late, another woman says as we slip in, "well we almost made it," referring to almost being there in time to participate with the opening prayers. A very powerful over taking of the whole body as I was kneeling.  The part that now most people stand through, but we used to kneel and my body remembers that, so it wants to kneel, it feels comfortable kneeling, so I kneel and I am overwhelmed by the horror of the wars, the misery, the death, the anguish of the world. The killing of Afghans in the name of God. I yell "it doesn't make sense!" tears come to my eyes. I feel' the pain of it, the enacted pain. Their pain, parents, friends, teachers, lovers, of lost teenagers in fast cars.  141  Pain flooded through my body and I was transported  I ask, what can I do and a dream comes back. Vivid. The section where I am looking at an art show of a friend's work. (Not someone in real life but a dream friend.) Who has put up a show at Mercer Union or some such place in Toronto. I go to the exhibition and I am seized with the feeling that he/she has stolen my idea. Which of course he/she hasn't. It is a sort of still life of everyday objects laid out with esthetic appeal. Tea pots and bits of garbage in tableaus with defined areas of staging 141  In the last few days there has been a rash of young people killed in recklessly speeding cars. 187  An Installation I feel immense jealousy as I realize that this person has more guts than I.  As Elliot Eisner (2002) reminds us, "This shift from the supremacy of the theoretical to a growing appreciation of the practical is a fundamental one because it also suggests that practical knowledge cannot be subsumed by the theoretic; some things can be known only through the process of action" (my holding, p. 214).  1 had thought this piece, this dream, hut 1 don't put it out there, therefore 1 foose.  It is the same in all disciplines, publish or perish. But then yesterday I was working on how to let go. Ah, but you still have to show the letting go  That's interesting! There was also a loud voice. "You are an artist that is what you need to be doing." If / don't have the tangible component, what ever it may be, I will have failed my mission in this arts based investigation.  There is still so much that doesn't go together, it is sort of like the constant question of religion and do I really believe etc.  But that is not the question. It comes back to the doing. Without the head and its dictates of thinking - if I just do, I do well, but if I think it, I cannot answer. / never have been able to.  I remember that was always the most difficult question when I was first in art school. If I tried to answer the why question, I couldn't. Well that isn't true, it simply made no sense to me to ask it, compared to the doing of my work.  So there lies an answer to how I learn. 188  How I work. That it has to be in balance, that I need to know what it is that I am doing by doing it. Ifowrwor]&LfrtcrhwxM\&c*Md:  we/ must he/free/ e4%cnA*fhfrcnwtKLn#y  I have been inputting through the rosary - as they repeat the words they flow over me "For the sake of his sorrowful passion, " repeated many times. These people know a whole 3/4 of an hour of prayer, it flows as different people take turns leading. I have looked for a copy of the text, as I wanted to be able to join in. But it doesn't seem to be written, I mean it must be, but I haven't found it. So they learn by doing? I have learned one new prayer (almost) as we repeat it throughout the rosary, and I can say it with them, I cannot repeat it here, as I haven't the starting place. But they do So I breath, and once again there is sun out there. I was up as the sun rose and touched the green tops of the trees and I gave thanks to wonder. I was reminded of the mornings in Banff when I would rise to see that pinking of the mountains at sunrise, always a glorious event and then into the studio and a mornings' work. After four hours I was allowed to go out to do other things (my self-imposed rules). That is so much part of it, to do the writing before I get taken over by all else and I get lost and used up. So I am sticking to this, I will continue to write in the mornings and I will push the rest back, so that I don't lose my spirit in it.  April 3, 2002 Unexpected twists and turns ;  I am pleased with how that final project for my Sculpture Fundamentals class is going. I think I have finally solved a problem I have had with the integration of the last three projects to make them a whole integrated work for my students. Often it doesn't come together. It did for 189  one class maybe four semesters ago. I analyzed why that worked and subsequent ones failed. I had in fact tried this before but still it failed. I realized the real problem is in the plaster 'form' making a relationship to the hand/face/foot casting, which is successful, and the household object dismantle part, that I really like, but sometimes is just a tack on at the end, becomes a time filler, and not an integrated part of the over-all. To help students understand, I spent more time explaining how we were wanting to combine these projects, that right now we were simply making the components, that we don't know how they will connect, as we have never 'walked' this path before. We know there is a map and we know there is a trail. However, as it is all new, we must expect unexpected twists and turns  I made the motion of feet walking over my extended upward turned hand with the fingers of my other hand. We must walk to discover,  I say  It is time to take the drawn bath. 142  1 always wonder about this word, why to 'draw' a bath, to 'draw' water. I look it up in my trusty Collins (Hanks, 1979/1986) dictionary (pp. 464 -465) and get blown away, this word is large with 44 sub entries, from "1. to cause (a person or thing) to move towards or away by pulling" to "7. to cause to flow: to draw blood." Followed by the one I most readily understand and in fact always see, as in I see drawing a bath in this context. "8. to depict or sketch (a form, figure, picture, etc.) in lines, as with a pencil or pen, esp. without the use of colour; delineate." Through various unknown (to me) meanings such as "26. Billiards, to cause(the cue ball) to spin back after a direct impact with another ball by applying backspin when making the stroke." Now that is a specialized meaning, almost as esoteric as some educational research, however if you 142  190  "Like any good photographer, Mann is drawn to the images that speak to her, that make her wait for reveiation" (Ais, 1999, p. 100). I have been here longer than I thought, or rather I don't seem to get as much inputted as I would have thought - time changes - I'm not sure I like the loss of tke doing of the prayer, what this  It has allowed me to input this text but it has lost me the moment of prayer. I may not be able to go out with the same feeling of peace that I have received on other days. But then part of this is to change the order of things, to still get the writing but in different ways. It means tomorrow I will make sure that I am part of the prayer, no writing. Everyone has left and the church is once again quiet. I also know well that place of calm, that place of contemplation  are a billiards player it is possibly a common understanding. This is it isn't it? It is all about context. As Neilsen (2002) so eloquently reminds us, Know, finally, that our truths, our facts, our ethical stances, our positions may be helpful and instructive-even useful and for the better good-but only for now. Contexts change, we change. Just as we learn from the stories that rest on our bedside table or live in our communities, we learn from all the truths we try to capture and all the perspectives we entertain. Recognizing impermanence does not mean abandoning our conviction, our wisdom, or knowledge about what to do in the here and now. Meaning is transitive and unreadable, as Fred Wah (2000) argues, meant only to be made. And once we name it, it dissipates. 'Meaning generates and amplifies itself, beyond itself, but never forgets.' (p. 213) And another (unknown to me) "43. U.S. and Canadian, a small natural drainage way or gully" and finally, because I still find it amazing that there is so much in a simple thought known that can be unknown (as I should have known as that is the premises of this work - this journey -) "44. a defect found in metal castings due to the contraction of the metal on solidification." To top it all off its etymology is also a mysterious, from Old English dragan; related to Old Norse draga; Old Frisian draga, Old Saxon dragan, Old High German tragan to carry. (I then have to look up Frisian and discover it was a language spoken in NW Netherlands and the adjacent Frisian Islands and that it is "the nearest relative of the English language" (p. 609). OA da mac/i  da natAtuuv 191  "It is time for painters, sculptors, visual artists of every discipline, to write down their thoughts and their impassioned insights" (Caruso, 2001, p. 21).  As Valerie Janesick (1999) tells us in her reflective ruminations on journal writing: The notion of a comprehensive reflective journal to address the researcher's Self is as critical in qualitative work due to the fact that the researcher is the research instrument. ... I have always seen journal writing as a major source of data. It is the data set that contains the researcher's reflection on the role of the researcher, for example. It is a great vehicle for coming to terms with exactly what one is doing as the qualitative researcher, (p. 506)  I hwv&dcrne/twfrhxyurytf  it berth/fcvKirvateyw^  horrvfiey wie/. I get the/feelinfy that fher times there/ iy nxythLncy. I vcvcillate/ between/ ebation/ and/ dvymay. I do- perceive/ cv ytirring- of cv hernelted/) Cdea/thut i4r ciormant in/the/ proceyy. I carv feet that indeed/the; material/iyhere/. That if I caw finch enjoucffathread/of the/right to- ytitch together. To- create^ cv patch/ work* quilt, that carv be/ cv bAuxrUupe/, cv cottage/, cvn/over-all iycvpo^tton/to-cvim/f^ a/locktng^together, cv fusing withcv literature/ review cvy cv gbxe/-top, to- bind/ cvnds hold/, ay a/ cover to- cv booh, stepping/ ytoney in/ cv river. Ay TrcvncoUe/ LLonnet (1989) remincby icy, " meti4ia#e/iy cvpra^J^ arul thexyretical/ yyytewv. Metiyycu^iycvforwvcrfbruz^^  cv fully elaborated/ (p. 8).  It iypcyi^hle/thatth^rcusvl hear pouriA^fyoutyLde/w  the/  er^eray to-flow. I read/cdyouttfxe/tree4rthatI hxxs/e/g<yne/to-loo^cvton/thty  trip cvnd/hncrw thatthey ewe/very do^e/to- not yurvivina- cvy it hay keen/ ov hot dry yumm&r, thiy rcurw iy (desperately needed/. I read/ of the/ pond/, I thtnhof cdl/the/loitfi^cvnd/th^  are/ now hibernating arid/how my  eye&hurtcvnd/ my badhhurty, evnehhow I wccy goinjcp to- ytop thty over arv hour ago-! 3utthat iyvohy I am/here/to-fen^c^ through/1^  myyelfat  the/grind/ stone/ to-bee/whatcxvnbe/done/  This afternoon I walked with my sister through Lindsey Dickson Conservation Forest. It took  years of organizing, lobbying, fund raising, and endless letter writing to save this forest from  development. My sister was one of the tireless volunteers who stuck with the project even w sometimes looked like a hopeless cause. S am -tcmi^u3e<3 of my,rt/iapjie3tooIcA  rf/utina,  (anatndi  3 bfuHifB a£tn\aucjfi  tafce,  ie^ef not  InaiBe,  tfv&m  moAjfxe.  to  it  tfvat  S fia^e- fLean.  unxxWe/i  at  jyiotect  tfuwn, foam tfve,  a. ^aacJ fa/i  to  a/tt jwaject  c&ntirute,  tfvem,  tfuA  vi/iitm^,  ta he,  itA diafjjua  autnide,,  viitft  atauj-,  anatfiet  tauiA,  few  iQxidcLria-  S  tfui,  tfimfi  an,  anatfve/c  ta  tfuA  ^/utUva.).  nujAeff!,  ceda/c ta be  tfwou^x,  fza^Auacj-,  itiet,  da/tj,, oaiB,  natu/Le,.  Simone Weil: t o have attention " A work of art is something which is unlike anything else. It is art which, best of all, gives us ideas of what is particular" (Weil, 1978, p. 59). Simone Weil was an important philosophical find for me. Her understanding for the need to have attention for an object and to not be fearful of an unknown concur with two guiding principles in my teaching philosophy. Her belief in learning through looking, as a way to understanding, is akin to hermeneutics and Gadamer's understanding of an art object. Weil tells us that an object will 'talk back,' that interpretation comes out of being with attention, that we do 193  not need to smother with intellect, and "whoever goes through years of study without developing this attention within himself has lost a great treasure" (1951a, p. 114). That understanding, and thus meaning, will come if we allow enough time for an object to speak to us, "it is a question of uprooting our readings of things, of changing them, so as to arrive at non-reading" (1956, p. 312).  Attention,, taken to- iti luaJteit decyiee, H the home thuuj, aA, pA& (1956, p. 205).  144  According to Weil (1979) looking unflinchingly into the void is only the first step. In 'Reflections on the Causes of Liberty and of Social Oppression,' Weil expresses regret that  although as an intellectual she'd been trained in "reflection" (detached, critical thought), she'd never been trained to focus on a problem or thought without distraction, yet at the same time without becoming mesmerized, giddy, absorbed to the exclusion of all else. How do we look into the void without being attached to the end result of our looking? In a posthumously published essay, "Reflexions sur le bon usage des etudes scolaires en vue de l'amour de Dieu" ("Reflections on the Right Use of School Studies With a View to the Love of God," pub. in Waiting For God, 1951a), Weil gives clear instructions. Noting that, when she'd 145  been a teacher, her students thought attention was "a kind of muscular effort" (p. 109) involving brow-wrinkling and breath-holding, Weil suggests that true attention consists of suspending our thought, leaving it detached, empty, and ready to be penetrated by the object; it means holding in our minds, within reach of this thought, but on a lower level and not in contact with it, the diverse knowledge we have acquired which we are  "Method for understanding images, symbols, etc.," she notes in her journal (1956?), "Not to try to interpret them, but to look at them 'til the light suddenly dawns.'... In the end illusions are scattered and the real becomes visible" (p. ). I absolutely adore this quote, but as you can see I neglected to correctly record the page number and I question my date attribution as well. I have scanned her 1956 Notebooks 1 and cannot find it. Hence I take it out of the main text and softly place it tucked (slightly) under the line, that hybrid division of page, one from another, these two half's' of the same, yet different, thing, out of the way, in the hopes that you will read it without prejudice (and yes, indeed, I may yet find the correct page number to infill the missing blank. Maybe a (s)p(l)ace, as yet not understood). 144  Something that interested me is the different titles of the same book. Waiting for God the American edition, Waiting on God the English edition, slightly different formats. The American edition is supplemented by a foreword. They both put the title down to the choice of a Latin or Greek translation. I prefer 'on' as its more ambiguous and suggests the mystery of the event. 145  194  forced to make use of. Our thought should be in relation to all particular and already formulated thoughts, as a man on a mountain who, as he looks forward, sees also below him, without actually looking at them, a great many forests and plains. Above all our thought should be empty, waiting, not seeking anything, but ready to receive in its naked truth the object that is to penetrate it. (pp. 111-112) Simone Weil continues in the same essay to give us further insight into how she perceives the all important attribute of attention in her discussion of school studies: Happy then those who pass their adolescence and youth in developing this power of attention. ... The soul empties itself of all its own contents in order to receive into itself the being (or object) it is looking at, ... only (those) capable of attention can do this. ... (and finally) Academic work is one of those fields containing a pearl so precious that it is worth while to sell all our possessions, keeping nothing for ourselves, in order to be able to acquire it. (pp. 114-116) I want to take one last walk to illustrate the notion of learning in praxis. That it is in the process of doing, and writing the doing, that clarity comes home to me. It is as important to walk out as it is to walk in (first learning) ifie-ie,  la,  a,  a-e-cond  A Labyrinth Walk lite  fast two times 1 fiave waffled tfie fahyrinth fieri  46  1  fiave afways got to tfie centre  andtfien auickfy fejt tfie fafiyrintfi thinking, "Yes, 1 fnow this, 1 fnow tf is," and so not taking the time to wafk it out [tfe (reftfreacting (facfftfreading] and thus, 1 now reafize, throwing it away. Today I realized a fundamental...  My sister and I built a labyrinth on her apple orchard farm, Denman Island, at the end of the summer of 2001. 195  <3A/ 00 Civ to- LO<zLk/ Ot^y.  This talks to the importance of process. If you (I) don't complete the process then I (you) get lost. If I don't resolve the issues that the process exposes, which are confronted one at a time as I work through this textu(r)al writing / reading / researching, I could loose sight of the centre and then the project is in jeopardy (not lost but not found).  That I may be in the centre and I hadn't seen it is an intriguing notion. How do I find my way back out?  (and now the wind threatens to haul the lap)... got placed form a past writing  This has left me puzzled but somewhat relieved, I actually think I may have stumbled on my problem.  I must return to the labyrinth and give it some time TO WALK IN TO WALK OUT  SLOWLY.  1 chimb a gfimmering hfossomecfcherry tree ancfl take some shots from there 1 have heen wafking the cfigitaf camera too it has W9LC1CE(D QlffO T^tfE GE hf7 RfE l  i  Rl^D OUT' with me.  196  1 fiave time before 1 need to go to catcd tfie ferry; 1 coufduse tfie video camera. 1 am not sure for what, however 1 go andget it out of the car, it has thefifm afready foaded and has 8o minutes cfhattery time and a 6o minute fifm.  1 hegin with the entrance and a show-pan of the rings. 1 stiff didn't know what it is that 1 want to use the camera for. 1 hegin the entrance off the fahyrinth, 1 think ofSimone Weif's (1951) "the heauty of the worfdis the mouth of a fahyrinth" (p. 163). 1 see this more cfearfy as 1 reafize how 1 have heen stuck at the mouth and forgetting to hegin the steps inwards, that yes there is a goaf, the centre is a goaf and the (re) stepping, (re) wafking the path to the outside is afso a path with a mission. 1 need to he wafking out too. So 1 am stifffifming  andl  am wafking, 1 reafize that 1 have the cfock and the fifm running, 1 can see how fong this takes. 1 use the camera to foffow my footsteps and in attentive contempfation 1 wafk. T'he centre cherry tree, the variations of the grass, the stops and starts of the wafk, the investigating of the rocks that make up the path way, investigation of the sticks andsheffs on the turn points. Jaafa was hounding in and out at intervafs, 1 reach the middfe at the 13 minutes mark andl spend some time there, 1 hegin to circfe, watching the trees whirfin the viewfinder. 1 hegin to twirlfaster 1 IVZ'ALIZ'Z 1 am g£TT 'lCN g J  r  VIZZY  andl keep going thinking that 1 am going to show down when 1 get to the point to stop. Instead, however, 1 hegin to toppfe, 1 faffafmost out of the circfe, hut hefd inside hy an invisihfe force, ifeefthe whirfing head of the camera sfowfy findWE  and then 1 get up andl hegin the 197  wafh out again with various investigations on the way. 1 see rocks chose up. 1 see Jaafa doing strange running. 1 go deep into the rocks and the grass and some cfose ups of the tree, afmost going into the trunk, itjeefs good. 1 am afmost out and the time is now at over 33 minutes andl am surprised at the advance ojtime to such a great degree, (l was aware oj the passage ojtime hut stiff not aware at the same time. It sort cj passed in a hfur.) Do I want to see the film? Yes/No. That isn't the issue...  I feel like I have begun to walk the path out from the centre.  What did I find at the centre? That is a question that could be asked. Maybe one doesn 't need to know the answers to questions just keep the questions coming.  So a cup of tea. My face is burning up.  Maybe finding the way out is not the issue. What's wrong with staying inside and finding what's going on in there?  "Finding the way out will set the framework." I said. But is this really what I wanted? Do I indeed need that? or should I in fact be back into the text and getting deeper into the labyrinth instead of trying to tidy it up? I do need some structure, this I will agree, but is it possible that the muddle is more to the point? Maybe I am at the centre  I cannot see I need to start (threading) back out.  198  An Afterglow A/R/Tography: A way of walking with/in pedagogy  With, a, iaap  oj? J^oi/tlv,  The churches of Europe, in France (as I rode to various medieval ones) dotted the countryside where we stayed at L'hurondelle in 1996.  'As a maker of myth, sehf (eaves its handwork everywhere in memory.  148  All that stone, much restored to former simplicity and glory, some still heavy with gothic and late 19th century tapestry and statuary so busy. It was the restored and stripped-bare stone white interiors that drew me most. I was absorbed into the simplicity of space itself - taken away. Just the walls and years of collected prayer (I could feel the power held)  There must have been thirty churches that I could easily reach by bicycle and as I got to know the area better, and went further a-field on those bike treks, I would have as destinations the finding of a church that I hadn't yet seen always an adventure - always a wonder. The images flow through 147 148  Leggo (1999), P. 120. Kotre (1995), P. 117. 199  head stones, ornate capitals, (carved medieval stone mason's own faces ) often 149  appearing mixed with the fantastical and other demons and magical beings curling around eating the tail of a serpent, climbing ladders of Jacob's descent. And angels flying over the arches Yes - light  radiating (throughout  as benches invited our resting  And I sit in the church I was baptized in, confirmed in, but not married in. I didn't think about it at the time as something I would want to do. I still viewed this space with some hostility, which with aging becomes nostalgia. However these feelings are not merely nostalgia, there is the presence of past that lives here, my past, rather than historical past, this is living- breathing past (for me). When was this church built? I have a feeling it is around the time I was born. My two sons and daughter were baptized here so they too are connected. Done then to meet family expectations as much as anything, now I am happy as I realize my parents will have their funeral at this church.'  50  They are going to drive to Denman today, he at the wheel.  151  Jean worries, I worry, (it's similar to the worry a parent experiences with their kids). That need for self portraiture always evident. To reflect ourselves to others, and thus understand ourselves better. 149  1 5 0  (Oh this death again) Such a big one!  9 UM&UIL they catuuot ao- o*i UiAe^imtely, tkat even tkouatt my jjotL&i iA keattky 90/91 9 tee tlte UsiedUt&iA  ca/una-faimy motUen.  (iametimeA) loudly an, kid. jjOce.  Today, December 22, as I edit, is his 91 birthday, which he insists we must not celebrate, which of course we do. 151  st  200  I cannot say no, it isn't up to me to stop their going or his driving. (not yeX, an^Wxuj.)  It is the last vestige of their freedom. Every time I think, this could be the last trip they must go. And I must get home as I said I would be there to help them pack and do the car. Home I go.  cTjian/fo u<m CA\UAX$X ^QA, j3/uWu5itva XJIUA. Apace a£ X\\e, -dacic, for being inflow of thought  I am back at my desk: the sun unfortunately gone now. I have got my parents off on the 12:30 ferry. "Language is a constitutive force, creating a particular view of reality and of the Self"  152  as I read that I think, 'yes, that is why I am doing this, I understand more through the process of doing the writing - writing tells me where I am.'  153  Richardson (2000), p. 925. 1 have used a journal for this process for years, however since beginning the PhD program my once quite orderly journals have become skewed, my process of discovery through writing wasn't happening in the same way. There were so many ways to collect information, my journals became sparser, however this wasn't due to less collecting, I was also collecting on my laptop, 'direct-data,' I liked to call it. The material was collected over a period of six months, January - July, 2002.1 set myself the task of PSyilHJ attention through daily writing '*e!ea#«/miy /Ae/frecou efmy cum efcimy, 'or self inquiry into my praxis tb/uuufh tke pAaceAA ujAititta.. I envisioned it as Crean (2001) says of Emily Carr "painting the forests from the inside out" (p. 176.). Emily Carr (1971) wanted to understand native imagery from the soul of its creator, as she said "the Indian caught first the inner intensity of his subject, working outward to the surfaces" (my italics, p. 211). I envisioned this process as an opening of spaces for growth and understanding, learning through doing. 1 did not reaiize how much a praxis it wouCdke. I did very little (re)reading and no editing of the collected text until it had sat for a further four months allowing myself distance from the data collection. The possibility that this could enhance 152  153  201  It/al/u+Uf. daftly. As I walked earlier I was thinking about being true to myself. What does that mean? Slightly in response to the dream of the sculpture and my not doing what I need to do, that I am often doing someone else's work when I must do my own. And yes I don't always know what that is but does that mean I don't do it??  So back to Laurel Richardson's language is a constitutive force  statement. I looked up constitutive as it is one of those words that I feel, but my need to read a definition is strong, (its etymological functioning) And it's simple and short, "able to form or appoint." "Yes," I think, "of course it is there/here, 154  because that IS WHAT LANGUAGE  DOES. "  Precisely what I am doing with this collection of text. It is that relationship to the building of a form (yet unfulfilled, but there/here, [t]here in my mind) I VO KNOW WHAT I WANT THIS TO BE I" cart/ se& Cttivmy mlnclyeye/ ClIuMA/e/, but there/. What FORM? Does this writing take ?  That thread(ing) wor(l)d - that wor(l)d I spend so much time with in Elementary Art Methods class - the crux of the living/breathing world. Many have problems differentiating it from shape, its 2 dimensional cousin a more subjective(d) (re) searched glance, as time does heal and distance does the heart grow fonder, all of which are bound to help the (re)writing - cutting, ripping, tearing - (re)forming, that is the work of this project. As defined in the Oxford English Reference Dictionary (Pearsall & Trumble, 1995/1996). 154  202  its partner (in crime).  A N D  H E R E IT I S I N  T H E S E  L A N G U A G E  BUILDING  B L O C K S  Images do not stay within discrete discipfinary JieCds such as 'documentary fifm' or '"Renaissance painting', since neither the eye nor the psyche operate afong or recognize such divisions.  155  I go outside to see if the garbage collection has come / is coming - as I hear the roar of the engines coming up the hills. Indeed the recycle box collection has come and gone. They no longer take aluminum. (Has the market fallen out of that?) We used to collect it. More and more seems to be going back into the landfill. idowever that isn't what 1 wanted to see, my interest was/ is in the tree-hundCes. (Oh the sun has just reappeared from the cloud cover)  It is those carefully bundled yard trimmings that I want to document going. Oh I have too much attachment to them Let go - Let go (a lament is cried) But equally I am not going to hang around all day waiting. But then I hear once again the pull of the engine a loud diesel cry of opportunity I run to the street camera in tow Once again not yard trimmings 155  Rogoff (2000), P. 30. 203  but rather, real garbage.  I play with the shadows of self (that / that writes) on tree-bundles 'Oh yes! I like that' I say I disappear INTO the bundles As indeed I am I made the string bound bundles that I want to hang onto that I feel I need to keep. But I know I equally do not.  The sun is hot, air cold, 70% chance of snow last night 40% by this morning and now brilliant blue sky  Reading more Laurel Richardson (2000): "I write because I want to find something out. I write-in order to learn something that I didn't know before I wrote it" (p. 924). On metaphor she says, "Like the spine, it bears weight, permits movement, is buried beneath the surface, and links parts together into a functional, coherent whole" (p. 926).  Why do I like it? It's the same language I could use to describe the images I want to use/ am using, they help hold the whole - they are a spine (of sorts) too. 204  I want many spines I want multiple holding devices I want different ones to create tension / interest. I want you (dear reader) to have many ways in, one may be through the text, another through images, another through structure,  another through the feel of the whole Thing "Into afunctional, coherent whole" AN INSTALLATION!  Yes, that's where we are headed ... 'the emergence of visuaf cufture as a trans-discipfinary andcross-methodofogicaffiefdof inauiry means nothing fess and nothing more than an opportunity to reconsider some of the present cufture's thorniestproh ferns from yet another angfe.  156  Getting close to the time I can do some yard work. To use my body. "Let your body stir, if your mind is still becalmed. "  ,5?  I will do e-mail this evening. I refuse to get eaten by it and if I go in now I will be doing it for the next couple of hours. There are a few things I have to do in the village but I think those too can hold off till later. As I sat here I thought, 'yes that's it, / am in it, this is the place, I don't need to go anywhere else. I can find out enough right here: ( A L - W A y S R-ULNNIN^ A R O W N D L O O K - I N ^ e L S e W W R E  -  W H - S N TH-e P L A C - e I S R l ^ t t T NOW.)  Rogoff (2000), P. 30. Seth (1990), P. 368.  156  157  205  Trie same is true if you've ever-put your memories into writing. 'When you're finished with your work, your 1 fiteraffy sees me on the pages in your hand.*  58  Writing is not self-expression: writing is self construction.  159  Finally I was in-tune with the yard-trimmings recycle truck. Oh, not a happy camper, his response to my magnificent bundles so lovingly created: "There's tons like this, Everybody's doing it!"  "Well you haven't been around for a few months, so it builds up," I respond "Did your landscaping crew do this?" he asks incredulously, "No, I did." (He misses the beauty of my work, I wanted him to see) "All knowledge is constructed. " ° 16  He hauled the bundles into the back - at the same time activating the compression chamber to swallow them up. He was sweating, didn't look fit enough for this kind of work. (It will be the next thing they say we have to pay for.) Enough of that! I want to get out and do an hour or so work, hence I will fold this up and allow myself to use my body in another way. This body happy today in this rhythm of reading/writing/working/walking/researching  Kotre (1995), P. 119. Leggo (1995), p. 6. Jardine (1997b), p. 20. 206  oi^jiii/m- \JbaX. i&.  t$vz  ^VUKXAA  aj?  a,/1/toxyvci^xA^  I can look at this first growth tree stump ' and see the work. 16  It slowly takes Form From  out of the layers of ivy that I methodically pull away stuff into recycle bags haul up to the road As I worked this afternoon and got further and further into the stump I got to the deep furrows where the old roots plunge into the ground and I suddenly remember being a small boy and seeing the same things then and they were scary places - maybe the rats were down there - at the same time they were mysterious places of darkness and intrigue. Maybe treasure there or passageways to other worlds Deep recesses of memory. The tree (that was) as metonymic space standing strong - hiding (shading) other meanings The tree as metaphoric Grounded  rooted with(in) multiple new growth - at least four different trees growing out of it cedar, pine, cherry, mountain ash, huckleberry and ivy all draped in honey suckle, black berry and fern, a glorious jumble of fecundity Needing some care and safety to help it be I have left it for a number of years as I felt it needed to be Free  Of human intervention  161  1  feeltiie cries of our first nation elders in these giant earth clinging magnificence.  207  Let nature do its own thing (so to speak) some order(ing) tease out a pedagogical trunk of wonder.  As we tease out theory finding methodological  ways through  "We try to build3 theoretical structure, which we then experience as a structure, which has a  form anA a foundation, which we then experience as an edifice, sometimes quite grand, sometimes in need of shoring up, and sometimes in need of dismantling, or, more recently, » 162 deconstructing.  "Is the tree mine?"  I ask hesitantly knowing, of course,  that it isn't as nothing is, as we injure this world more painfully yet -v\le avzaXe.  QUAA^AI^A  ln4x>uxjJx m&nuyuj  How about walking? Walk to what you can walk to. Walk around if you have nowhere to go'  64  162 163 164  Richardson (2000), p. 927, she uses italics to emphasize the building/architectural metaphor. Stewart (2002), P. 1. Seth(1999), P. 368. 208  I write myself deeper into this tangle (Rasberry, 2001) of text, as blocks to be collected, as I would material in the studio, before I can begin the process of building a sculpture. As though I am wandering the neighborhood collecting those choice pieces of cast off material.  sometimes  by  shape son/tetlw,es b y  intrigue  These objects gathered in space  ta tocdc fat  fa/vm,  that I work  an alc/i,&mp> 6ep(/n6, (pott/  a/nd df)  a/Jbvcce&i efeo'/vnccti/n^ fi/ndi/tip- niea/ni/rtp /////way//, mcmono!) ofie/f.  Tfie interruption of tfie dream wiff afways remain impro6a6fe, fifze tfie end of tfie journey I'm stiffffying toward.165 16  165  Derrida (2002), P. 87. 209  need ta Juzoe a  /tal/t  Carol Shields (2002) novel "Unless" provides a perfect description of the notion of form that I have been working for in this a/r/tographic dissertation. I (almost) leave you with this to distill my working methodology. The italics are mine.  . . . and ijjlig Ig whaij g g& W<bnderfu%j unCanny, J J^n&W Where y&tt Te Cj&iny Wifh fhig-  •pleage, tyigmfer-pref tyy tv&rdg. 'Vtfhaf  J \ean  ig, J \n&W and J d&n f \ne>W. ^ftsu haven f yiven  anyfhincj aWay, y&u Ve been agfe>nighinc/(ly gfetn and  \<<>re (han gniff  ig g& g&lid(y  aegfhfiCgenge,  &n(y way if  and Cenjecfure.  ^utf  (hefifty,  fheTe, andg&  d&n f,  gfticf Wtfh  fhe reader,  and J afy gpeakiny  (effing Jilfy et her 6 dt rt©  &f fhefifty  ig fhe genge fhaf (hefi&fty wi\\  in ifg  C^plefe  unhveTga(  i f e e f f in fhe  can.  'Artists perceive patterns in new ways, find sensuous openings into new understandings, fresfi concepts, wifdpossiSifities. Artists fiefy us subvert tke ordinary and see the extraordinary.  166  166  Neilsen (1998), p. 274. 210  Seven  For a  \M.ow.tiA<t  the haze clears.  ! see clearly  SW.IA,  browned grasses  Metonymic Moments.  One storied, text to traveCfay ...  CWUo. iicuf&d uutUiH, the. pancunetehi Aid stated fiatk >iedeatoJu*ta. lui auut meMineAA, o^mind and pAaxii, Ofi&m*uj, to- hid pAactice. cui teAeatoUed a*vd i&ieaAclt aA, ptozcticed.)  'en&M/f/rtp  wii/eldi/ny t.t/n,de-r6/.a/ndJ/n^6  ^m.edwdo/o^j^lwn.d&rJbi/ivn.M^i Ml  212  As the images  'DKAamjmic  0Zoment&  have slipped past with a gentle flip of the wrist,  let me now take a moment to reflect on the use of the seven images that I chose to accompany this text. I believe, as I said at the end of the Introductory Curatorial Note, the most crucial piece of information was to say that there was a deliberate placement and order to these images, a progression, to which I wished to <kcw\>, a t t e n t i o n . By doing so I hoped to heighten the images ability to act on / with / through both the text and you, dear viewer / reader. It was my desire to embody through images, an understanding that you may not have been aware of, a au^eAlea-^iru^AAva  i | v^x >$M, that was acting on a subconscious level to help  solidify your comprehension of the work presented to you. This is often how artistic creations work. •  Art can act subversively to enhance understanding that we do not always recognize as apparent.  These images perfectly represent, in a visual form, what you have been reading in a textu(r)al form. Let me explain how I understand this relationship because it can open to a reading of the dissertation that is at once simple, and yet one that has profound implications in our understanding of an active art curriculum, research with artistic underpinnings (a/r/tography) and pedagogical callings for teachers to learn from artists. The images in this text can act independent of it (even though embedded in it), that is part of their strength. They act as independent verifiers of metonymic practice. That I learned through them, is a truth my body 'knows' every time I (re)see them. That the action them is vital to their existence dj^ea&A  iaud&i  t h a n Wxyuh,;  necessary to create  it is embodied in their very presence.  My autobiographical hand - the hand that writes this text - creates these images through an embodied action. My embodied movements / vibrations are inherent in the resulting grounded, 'of / in nature,' images. •  The images are not just intellectual framings of nature, they are produced through the movement of the body.  •  The images are embodied photographs.  •  The images depict an embodied curriculum of pedagogical walking with / through nature.  213  It was through my interest in representing the metonymic that I came to perfect my praxis to produce these images. It was dwelling in the midst of the question of how to visually represent that which may stand for something else that I captured the Series  ^flyeJxMiAjmic ^)Kxime*vt&..  167  Through these images I am suggesting that metonymy allows for 'a sliding,' which opens to a (s)p(l)ace of potential. As Rogoff (2000) reminds us: Visual culture thus opens up an entire world of intertextuality in which images, ... are read on to and through one another, lending ever-accruing layers of meanings ... (and) what we have begun to uncover is the free play of the signifier, a freedom to understand meaning in relation to images.... (pp. 28-29) Let us consider an analysis of these images as it may help increase our understanding of why I placed these into the text, and at the same time shed light on some findings of this dissertational writing - writing as sculpture- sculpture as research. I remind you that this represents but one 'reading' of many. Images 1 & 2, are the same subject, however, in Image 2 the blurred state is enhanced, as are the subsequent 4 images. I would suggest the metonymic potential is heightened in these blurred (s)p(l)aces. The slippage is greater, the flow larger, the intellectual possibilities expandable. However, before we continue with an image analysis I would like to hark back to Bal's (2001, 1999) notion of 'quotation.' I would like to suggest just such a 'quotation' from Metonymic Moments to the photographic work of the Israeli-born artist, Michal Rovner. Rovner makes large blurred photographs of people and spaces, these images sometimes look as though they are flying in a dusty nebulous space, about which Rovner has said, it is "about being taken out of context, being detached. It's about being in between ... ."  168  To interpret a blurred image a viewer must 'fill in' the missing parts, literally make them up using their imaginations, drawing on their gathered past to do so. Since all of us have such varied conglomerates that form our collected her(his)tories, the stories we 'imagine' into Rovner's images are as different as are our pasts. This is similar, for instance, to 'cloud staring' practiced by young children. In a fleeting moment, when the swirling formations freeze into an  167  It was in a paper I wrote for Dr. Ted Aoki, Following the process ii: A non-modern interface,  that I first developed these metonymic images. Michal Rovner, quoted in Los Angeles Times, 15 June 1997. 168  214  exactitude that is immediately seized upon, they pick out a dog sitting on the back of the flying dragon, for instance, and their best friend insists it's a duck jumping a fence. These images change again and again, and by the time they have come to an agreement the form has shapeshifted into yet another fancy. A moment stretches into something else and on and on, neverending, a hermeneutic circling into a continual beginning. However, if we read a curatorial essay on Rovner's work we discover her art is usually interpreted from a political stance of displaced peoples, the diaspora. Her blurred images help 169  viewers to enter the troubled waters of the Middle East. Her images are disturbing but not 'upsetting.' The boarders of the worlds' displaced have no delineation; a blurred line we face every day. Rovner's images are visually enhanced by her intertextual lingerings, as Nicholas Mirzoeff (2000) notes "the diasporic visual image is necessarily intertextual, in that the spectator needs to bring extratextual information to bear on what is seen within the frame in order to make full sense of it ... both within and beyond the intent of the producer of that image" (p. 7). I would suggest a similar motivation in my use of the blurred Metonymic Moments. These images are open to multiple interpretations, they embody an intertextual lingering. They all have a singular starting place, the land, they are of a grounded pedagogy. That we can 'see' into their blurred picture frame is a given, however a given that can flow outwards, in ever changing cycles of meaning. The first and last images are 'recognizable,' in that the image is stable; we know they are of the land. The images bracketed in-between have more ambiguity and the metonymic space alluded to by the title of the series allows for further slippage. This is a deliberate attempt to capture visually the workings of metonymy, to allow something to stand in the way of, in front of, but still pointing or veiling a known. •  This is similar to this dissertation. There is known/not known. These images allow for an opening of the imagination, to (possibly) wander off the page and even through the page via the image into an embodied world of ambiguity and multiplicity.  I have intentionally not capitalized as it is used in the sense of a dispersion or spread acknowledging the Diaspora in its very root. 1  215  Bear with me, for a moment, while I take you on a 'reading' of the images, remembering, as stated previously, that this 'reading' is only one of many possible interpretations. It may find resonance with how you have already related to them, or it may not, in either case additional reflection can act as a catalyst of further thinking and possibly lead to deeper understanding of their function in this dissertation. On the right hand side of Image 1, the foreground of the picture plane is dramatically enhanced by the diamond shaped negative spaces of a wire fence which can be 'seen' as veiling a dark void. This foregrounding is interrupted, stopped (Applebaum, 1994) if you will, by the disappearance of the fence into the grasses on the left. A fence 'veils' our entrance into a void only to be folded into nature. Nature subsumes the man made, reminding us that nature can teach if we listen carefully, -witlfySSLJtieJtian. (T0«it 1951). How often do we sit on a beautiful day surrounded by beauty and not see it? How do we draw ourselves back into seeing with a full embodied eye? How do we teach our students to see through embodied spirits? These are the questions being folded into the grasses. These are the same questions that I am folded into as I climb my trees that I have been writing into / through this dissertational writing, "...it is body interaction with nature that allows me to see more clearly my connection to it" (p. 139, this document) I write, as I unravel theory folding into practice. •  The metonymic image allows for slippage that opens to ambiguity and multiple possibilities of new meaning making.  Image 1 is almost perfectly triangulated by the wire lines of diamonds running from the upper right corner to the bottom left, and grasses at the bottom right up to the upper left. This x(ing) of the space is given solid credence by a strong visual slash (the stick) across the upper section of the picture.  tecn/U^/ cc/ ooicl/  i-etcoco^y ctici*vuytn£l&'.  216  The center is acknowledged by a cluster of almost indistinguishable red dots (the very berries of life).  •  I find "the walks are forming a pedagogy" (p. 167). I discover my own rhythms through the daily walking. The hours of contemplation needed to formulate new ideas are born through the body, they are an embodied curriculum of learning through doing the physicality of walking. This walking deliberately created space, carved out of the rest of the day, a (s)p(l)ace for thinking through my body as I walked the writing  of my practice as researched and my research as practiced.  Image 2,1 remind you, is the same subject, the same picture source, a blurred Image I.  170  We loose the x(ing) to a more generalized over-all ambiance. The fencing diamonds become ghosted into lyrical lopping lines. There is no foreground in this image only the strong right to left wavy horizontals. The red dots of the center now accentuate the undulating lines and seem to hover over a folding hole (possibly opening), red berries swimming into/ out of a void. The image is opened up as more possibilities are allowed into a blurred dance. Nature, in a sense, has taken over and the dance is an interweaving of understandings. The hovering red berries, their wavy trails active in theory, call attention to the center hole, a void in the picture plane. These Metonymic Moments, caught as they are by the camera's eye, my eye (i), the researchers (i) eye, provoke similar questions as the text does. •  What do I mean?  •  Why am I here?  •  What is my question?  This is not strictly true as two independent photographs taken even a split second apart are never the same thing, time changes everything. However, from our perspective we can accept them as the same subject matter. 170  217  •  How does the research site change when viewed through a researchers eye (i)?  •  How does the messiness of research open us to learning a-new?  These images are the captured pedagogy of the walking journey that was the making of this dissertation. They swirl inside the site of a/r/tography. They linger inside the self-reflexing and interrogating research site of my practice as researched and my research as practiced. They are the embodiment of inquiry that is holistic, visual representations of inquiry that is through/ with / into ones wholeness of mind, body, spirit and emotions combined. It is in the act of taking (capturing) the image that I must be attuned to all my senses, and to the world around me, all must be in balance. I must have just the right amount of body movement, in relationship to camera positioning, and to the object I wish to capture. The images are singular instances, caught for all time, of a synthesis of what the dissertation has struggled to unpack. The how, the why and the what for? As in the pealing of an onion, back and back, layer after layer until there is nothing, until there is everything - a this/not this metonymic - a holistic centering that encompasses a full personhood. As Rita noted on a draft copy of this work, "The arts force us to be whole, to live a life of inquiry, a/r/tography is a conscious decision to commit oneself to inquiry into/ through ones' wholeness. In so doing we recommit to (re)creating ourselves over and over again."  171  Through the camera's eye I can capture a nature as it rushes by, (or rather I am often rushing by it!) These metonymic images allow the memory to sit quietly in a place of rest with nature. As Smith (1997) reminds us, when referring to Gadamer (1965/1986), "his hermeneutics supports all recent work in the study of narrative and story, which proceeds from an affirmation of the traceably constitutive nature of human understanding and its roots in recollection and memory" (p. 34). My self is made of these collected memories and as my research journal notes: I sat to record and the tightness of the previous writing makes me tense - But a good tension I know as "Yes," that is why I have sat this past week - to reach an understanding, an interstanding with myself. (January 26, 2003) This is an embodied understanding that is reflected in a tightness. This is the heart of my dissertation:  171  Note on dissertation draft copy, February 10, 2003 218  •  It is a grounded embodied curriculum that is called for which art can help provide.  •  It is through a research methodology, such as a/r/tography, that we can achieve an embodied researched understanding that honors mind / body / spirit / emotions as integral to the research process.  •  That we must live / breath / walk / in the world alive to all in the present moment, to stimulate our intellect in a holistic way.  •  That above all it is a call for attention to our daily living as an embodiment of a curriculum grounded in our relationship to / with / in nature that practices a pedagogy of inclusiveness, compassion, understanding and fairness to all.  There are four more blurred metonymic moments at fairly regular intervals through out the reading of the first half of the text. They sit as visual resting spots - pause spaces - reflective zones - to be looked into / through / with. They work, as much art does, as spaces for you (dear reader) to take those glasses off and reflect on your pedagogical journey so far, your meanderings through / with the text, and when sufficiently rested, to once again take up your staff and continue through the struggle of my interrogation of my practice as research and my research as practiced. As James Elkin (1997/2000) notes "meandering is furtively autobiographical" (p. 177). The potential in these imaged resting spots is to merge my autobiographical writing with your autobiographical musings and thus "we work, we think, we write, and when we are finished, we find we have moved. The motion is not blind chance, and is not predestined logic; it is something in between" (p. 176). For Elkins' and this dissertation, •  this is the meandering of a gentle walk open to a subverted-knowing through a pedagogy of attention.  Metonymic Moments as Points of Disjuncture Are these images as benign as I have represented them in the above discussion? Isn't it possible that they also act as metonymic cuts into the surface of the text. That they could be disjunctive in their ripping, tearing and cutting into the very fabric of the document and allow for an interruption that has its own story line, outside of that dictated by text, or imagination, yours or mine. It is possible that they exist on their own and we will never truly understand them. Only grasp at elusive points of conjecture. They pronounce their own meaning as they dance across the page and allow for a drifting mind to be open (Eco, 1989), not held. They cross their own 219  boarder (Derrida, 1993) line. That is why I say they should be read as resting spots, not pinned to an exactitude, but be allowed tofloatas a "free play of the signifier, a freedom to understand meaning in relation to images, sounds or spaces not necessarily perceived to operate in a direct, causal or epistemic relation to their context or to one another" (p. 29), to finish the quote implanted earlier (Rogoff, 2000). It is that not necessarily perceived to operate in a direct, causal or epistemic relation to their context or to one another which seems vital here. It is the  opening to the multilectic intertextuality of the visual image, its ability to trigger such differences of under(inter)standings . Meaning is given multiplicity. As Bal (1999) said in Quoting Caravaggio, she was not interested in what the contemporary artist's she was investigating meant, but rather, was interested in her own understanding of what they meant and only contacted them after she had written her interpretations, gleanings, and intertextual lingerings. To me this is most heartening as it reinforces my own pedagogical believe in teaching young teachers to have confidence in their own understandings, knowing that they will stay open to new interpretations, new knowledge as it unfolds. You will note as you come to the next image set, 3, 4, 5 & 6 a different pattern in the 'pairing.' There is a similar dynamic at work as in the first two images, however 3 is a slightly less blurred version of 4 & 5, it is not a stable image, but it is a discernable one. There is memory at play here, when looking at 4 & 5 after 3, "Yes, I've seen that before," but no you haven't, it is a-new through the shifting of the lens - (literally and metaphorically). •  That the camera does what your mind can do, that is, shift as it finds new spaces in metonymic moments.  Images 3 & 6 can be read as bracketing 4 & 5. Image 3 can be seen as a rest, pause, break, before the agitation of 4 & 5. These two could be the twirling of a whirling dervish dancer, so extreme are the lines of colour and light that swirl in a cacophony of 'noise.' The greens of the upper right seen as gesticulated hand movements in the extreme motion of dance. If we didn't know what they were, from our knowledge of Image 3, these images could be Mardi Gras, so wonderful is the movement, so multiple the open text of our visual reading. •  Here lies a conundrum, it is only my insistence that they are indeed the blurred bushes of Image 3 that keeps us form knowing otherwise.  220  The reading that you have been engaged with in this dissertational writing, meandering along pedagogical paths, strongly supports the belief that it is through embodied grounded experience, through praxis that artists come to know (Irwin, Grauer, de Cosson, Wilson, 2002a,b). I found that I could intellectually come to understanding through my body-knowing. That it was through points of disjuncture that this knowing was enhanced and verified. For instance I wrote in my research journal (February 1, 2003): "I finished a full dissertational edit last night. How do I feel about it? It is possible there is too much front end loading, but this seems necessary to uphold my thesis." •  I did reach points of disjuncture.  •  I went through these points of disjuncture gaining new understandings.  •  A point of disjuncture cannot be arrived at without extreme resistance having been reached.  This seems to have something to do with 'an artists way,' or is it creativity at work? I feel closer to answers to these questions, but to answer too emphatically seems to take away from the process which is the very essence of a creative being becoming. •  If I push myself hard enough I find a way through, if I don't push then there is no hinge point - no stop (Applebaum, 1995) - and therefore no turning, that place of growth and learning.  Image 6, a high note - low note, an in-between, a transitional change of colour, from the rich reds of the previous three images to a soft green with its almost straight horizontal yellowed lines leading off the picture plane. To the right and left there is no grounding in this image, we are spun off the picture plane and onto the last image. (There is a possibility of catching sight of the whirling dervish in the lower center of the picture, we can imagine all these spiraling lines belong to the dancer before he/she tumbles out of the picture altogether and falls gasping for air on the soft grass of the last image.)  Sn^eAe, KXAJZ, li/siiruj, momenta, aj! MAoa/vcn- tflvaX, came. cJlXde, wJve/n, vie, aivijJt QUA, aMavl m^Xaruynuj, ta Wxwi.. ($ &Jvvj/tUvc|, ^ ^f' vo* <  *  ®AX\AXA  x  1  <5«Ale£op inecmj. t$wa\ufh, puxociA,.  ^ ew^vianexl S v^uite. Cp.  <pv^ cw  attetvtXvie. cLuvg*.  1 71 , ttfiia, a\icnnxcnt).  221  Finally a point of rest is given in Image 7. A grass field photographed from grass level with the camera angled down giving the foreground a dramatic deep texture, a tangledness. However, this time it is nature itself doing the work of entanglement, the steadied camera's eye framing a central path, a meandering that emerges from the lower center of the image up through the middle and curving ever so gently to the upper right. The foreground is a mass of possible holes, collapse before we have even begun? However, staring intently we can agree that a path is there. A path out / through / into / - we don't need to know -  'e nvu<3/t vJxufc f o a\Aca^e/L  (p.. 1  And so full circle (almost / possibly?), back to Image 1, and the red berries. These red berries, the life blood, may indeed be just out of the camera's view (researcher's eye), waiting for the next foray into "the beauty of the world" (Weil, 1951, p. 163), •  a living embodied grounded research site of inquiry.  •  My findings were learned through an embodied praxis, "to remain in the presence of the work" and  222  And Finally Barbra Caruso (2001) has a great chapter in her book 'Wording The Silent Art' entitled 'Letter to a Young Canadian Sculptor,' in which she discusses the necessity of "going through the motions" (p. 183). The basic premise being that just thinking gets one nowhere, action is what counts. "It's better to make a poor piece of work than no work at all" (p. 183). 9 mu&t lemembesi ta pJtxdacap^ Uwi jjO^i my <UsudlentA. it'4, a cyieat r  matuMitiancd<pUeceaj writing.  And on we go....  April 11, 2002 (from hand written research journal) A/R/T/S meeting, viewing the digital video clips.  One refrain that recurs in all four independently made videos <0ne day iljetl, <jfdom t m/nem/xiP t/te ci/Mw/mMane&l of A.efaM. f  on/y (Ae^faet f/ial (Ae //ridye AtreAe m two- wif/i/ a mwder- efriAa/rdi  What I'm most intrigued with is how empowering it is to talk with others, how it all comes alive with the circle of others. I return again to Simone Wiel's (1951) notion of the power of attention -  Above/ aXL our thoucfhty yhould/ be/empty,  waittngp,  not seeking/  OA^ytKirxfy, but r&axly to- r e c e i v e / in/ Cty vxcik&d/truth/the/ object tha pevietrate/ it. (p. 112) ^ffeel my< t/mi/it, ofi/tot/yAil aAoat to AtwS, it ii 6oJc<c((Aed. I see the digital mass of writing I have collected on the computer as soft clay which I now have to form into something -1 have described it as a dense mass that now must be pulled apart and given spaces. I see it stretched out in front of me in a sort of stretched horizontal form that 223  then gets chopped and opened up - spaces - breath - it is this process that allows the form to come into view. At the moment, someone reading the text, wouldn't be able to make any sense of it. It  has  no FORM  Only mass (dense mass) It is my job to give life, to allow the spring to enter the text so growth can happen - a, eenletnflaium eftAe maAL will en/wen, if A j/jm'f. Sometimes it is so powerful I can hardly stand it. There are real extremes in the process. I cannot see sometimes, I feel completely lost and then ha-zam  W&CU  —  ap&a — dpace — freedom  -  as Weil (1956) says,  "&oebn/>;JkiMbiUf' /A/reupA, wore/A i/nfo- 6ilen.ee, i/ na/meleM " (/;.  f20).  we must be open A process of surrender -  May 19, 2002 A very interesting week where so much came together. I told the labyrinth story multiple times, as it put so much into focus, especially the realization that once I had located myself it \&a& five la  JMAJ, ^AXfwn,.  / « W / ^ ? / ^ 4 that ,  (  (This was a further, as alluded to, second  understanding from my previous one of needing to walk out.) 224  Talking to Carl, he quoted someone about staying in aporia (or was that me (re)interpreting what Carl said?). Anyway it was a week where I made an i-Movie that goes a long way towards pulling together my contribution to the A/R/T/S research group project. This Is Good. As a group we have produced four i-Movies that we are ready to take to the InSEA World Congress, August, 2002, New York City and subsequently Stephanie took to the C&P conference (our use of technology allowing us to be in multiple places).  172  I think back to Patti's interjection at an early research group meeting. And how at that time we were so far from knowing the importance of her words, to what it was to become, collectively.  'teA&aAxJk.tihe,KZA&andn, oj? )$w, teAexvidh.  {ffcdXi, 'la&aaAxffi c^vawp, \AXXA\ACAA^X,,  GF«JL  1  5, 2002).  "Alt I S theory" (Stockholder, 1998) slipped comfortably into place, it is holistic, 173  co-existing. It isn't as a dogmatic blanket that this is stated, but rather, as a unifier, as  art is practice is tdeory is praxis.  A long weekend and I buy some more fish (for my pond) to try and give the remaining a few friends to swim with. I have seen some others so I do know they exist, a cloudy day. 172  Springgay et al, (manuscript and video submitted for publication).  173  In this film the installation artist, Jessica Stockholder, talks eloquently on how she sees art as  theory, intertwined and non separable. The one feeds the other; a closed loop. It was in listening to her talk that I became convinced that artists are continually working in art as theory, that is their work. It is the continual hermeneutic loop of their opus memorandum, as they create new work the telling of meaning is being revealed. Seldom do they know meaning before doing, through doing comes meaning, a closed loop. A/r/tographers recognize this and honour a working methodology that acknowledges the circling of understanding(s). That we may not be on the up side of the circle at all times is a given, hence the need for praxis to bring us ever closer to that elusive meaning making explosion. Always knowing that our art is inevitably foregrounding our intellect. 225  (It needs to be emphasized here that it was through the writing that I found the metaphors to see a brightness from the dim light I was in.)  -wkjA  fvam,  akie,  ta  rfAite.-out  a,-p£ace.of b£uvBrveaA ta ivcjfiZ.  No longer so brilliant (but that is always the way), as light will slowly dim till the next crisis of meaning hits me hard between the eyes, and I have to enter the darkness, thrashing to find my way. Is there a way to avoid this? Is there a way to simply resolve it all?  aitd, (3vua/t  kaAxcfkt ta  wnJaoA,  a-  boAUjtvn,  XAAA, <x/<ta  A & e A •tlxe.  ^ia^Jt  iia^Ji.  It is always there to see, without intellect, to allow all the gathered knowledge to lead me forward, to allow, as Carl said, "the process to lead you." To stay within, but begin to pull the pieces tighter, to build a framework. At the same meeting Carl also said, with encouragement, "you have to put a finite date on this, enough letting it drift and coalesce, you need to pull the strings."  226  "S^i^na^&A.aa/^///^, he said.  Yes,  M&-ACW/MA//^  174  good point.  That is the present problem. How to indicate the entrances? How to invite others into the (s)p(l)ace in which I am/have been? A continual struggle, both glorious and emotionally draining at the same time.  f^t/^ne/Aaah/aj^  /Aa// a//aa/eiy§p </e<^ afcaA/ a/Mt/ye/ s/eA/ ew// {/ea'/Ja/ (^Ja/p/>Ae^/fa/MeJ-J.  Self knowing grows within the depths of unknown places we write/research to. It is this fit, this yin yang, this high and low, this dichotomous NOT/IS, that allows a third space TO GROW. We call this work a/r/tography as Irwin (in press) states, To live the life of an artist who is also a researcher and teacher, is to live a life of awareness, a life that permits openness to the complexity around us, a life that intentionally sets out to perceive things differently. ... a/r/tography is a living practice of art, research and teaching: a living metissage; a life writing, life creating experience. ... living their work, representing their understandings, and performing their pedagogical positions as they integrate knowing, doing and making through aesthetic experiences that convey meaning rather than facts. Their work is both science and art but is closer to art and as such, they seek to enhance meaning rather than certainty, (pp. 29-30 ) What I have engaged with through the process of this living inquiry, is the praxis of a/r/tography, cycling within and around art to create meaning, to allow a hermeneutic expansion cycling into new, to allow the process to feed itself, this is an a/r/tographer in action.  allowing form to take hold  174  Hallway conversation May 17, 2002. 227  I fixed the bridge, gluing it back together, it once again sat, however, no longer the shiny new model, more a worn and lived version of the same thing. a marriage, a partnering, a life how to get to an other? find our way ?  May 21,2002 As I must relinquish the Simone Weil books soon, I need to spend just a little more time: One of the intriguing things is how an author can move into one's life and change perception. This transformation is well known, we assimilate the text into ourselves and it becomes us. How could I not have found her exquisite writing, "The beauty Of the WOrld IS the mOUth Of a labyrinth" (1951, p. 163), such a strong, bold quote for all that I am doing. It talks to the underbelly, the seamless web that is the universe unfolding, and the absolute wonder of it, at the same time the vast (s)p(l)ace of loss when not found. The teachers calling; the pedagogical walk - to lead as many as will follow to "the beauty of the world."  I must vacate the office space I have inhabited with such joy, a space with a window, a space that was mine to ruminate in, this space that I am loosing to change.  228  this directly affects me!! (and at the moment it does not feel positive) I was angry about it last night. It's more that I have to deal with this now and I don't want to. The order is out of whack. I kept wondering how to make this work for me, well that gets difficult. I'm not sure if I should move my books home, or simply move them into another space, which as I say/write, I realize makes the most sense.  July 19, 2002 It is almost a month since I last wrote on this computer. I teach at Emily Carr tomorrow and then I start at UBC for three weeks. Have moved offices again .... But I Most fo fo t>e<l  How fickle is the hand of fate. For a short time I occupied a much smaller desk in the new section of the graduate area. I was then encouraged to move, yet again, to another research area. At first I was reluctant, however, I did once more lug all my collected books, journals and junk into this new space. This is where I am now writing/researching this inter(text)u(r)al dilemma and I have to state, this office is even more conducive to work. Change indeed has been a catalyst for further enhancement of form. This the point, isn't it? 175  I know a work I don't know a work, a metonymy of place. Remain hidden from vision stay running ahead or behind. Needing its ambiguities its betrayals to stay afloat. 229  November 20, 2002 Dear Kit and Rita, I have written to Carl and I have discussed with both of you my hoped for time line... / will let you know Carl's response  On November 26, 2002, Carl wrote  As the director of visual arts and Walter Philips Gallery at The Banff Centre, Anthony Kindl, (2002) said; If art becomes widely received as a critical element of understanding ourselves and each other - as social agent and research - we may see the possibility of art as a critical and integral base of knowledge in broader aspects of society. Beyond this, art may be seen not only as an object, but as mental space, a means that may also imagine a different proximity to and understanding of those among us who also see things differently. ( p. 61)  On Tue, 24 Dec. 2002 decosson@interchange.ubc.ca wrote:  176  This allows me to dream. 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Grounded pedagogy: Arts based ways of knowing. A paper presented at the Canadian Society for Education through Art and Saskatchewan Society for Education through Art Conference, Saskatoon, Canada. Springgay, S., de Cosson, A., Adu Poku, S., Irwin, R. L., Stephenson, W., & Wilson, S. (2002, October). Cutting into research space: Re-imaging A/R/Tography as a living practice. Performance / paper presented at the annual Curriculum and Pedagogy Conference Arts-based Educational Research SIG, Decatur, Georgia. Irwin, R., L., & de Cosson, A. (2002, August). A/R/T as performative metissage. Performance / paper presented at InSEA (International Society for Education Through Art) World Congress, New York. de Cosson, A., Adu-Poku, S., Irwin, R., Pente, P., Springgay, S., Stephenson, W., & Wilson, S. (2002, August). The pedagogy of performative liberation: A Multilectic Inter/intrastanding. Performance / paper presented at InSEA (International Society for Education Through Art) World Congress, New York. de Cosson, A., Adu-Poku, S., Irwin, R., Pente, P., Springgay, S., Stephenson, W., & Wilson, S. (2002, June). Cutting Pedagogical A/R/T/S: Performing at the Edges of a Multilectic Inter/intrastanding. Performance / paper presented at the International Human Science Research Conference, Victoria, British Columbia. Irwin, R. L., Grauer, K., de Cosson, A., & Wilson, S. (2002, March). Integration as Embodied Curriculum. A paper presented at the National Art Education Association Conference. Miami. de Cosson, A., Adu-Poku, S., Irwin, R., Springgay, S., Stephenson, W., & Wilson, S. (2001, December). Performative Liberation: A Multilectic Inter/intrastanding of Pedagogy. Performance / paper presented at The University of British Columbia. de Cosson, A., Adu-Poku, S., Irwin, R., Springgay, S., Stephenson, W., & Wilson, S. (2001, October). Performative Liberation: A Multilectic Inter/intrastanding of Pedagogy. Performance / paper presented at the annual Curriculum and Pedagogy Conference Arts-based Educational Research SIG, Victoria, British Columbia. Linds, W., de Cosson, A., Purru, K., & Laroche, L. (2001, October). Four per(form)ing: (Art)iculations in educational research. Performance presented at (Re)Visioning the Democratic Ideal, the second annual Curriculum and Pedagogy Conference Arts-based Educational Research SIG, Victoria, British Columbia. Linds, W., de Cosson, A., Purru, K., & Laroche, L. (2001, May). Performing articulations: Aesthetic adventures in/of educational research. A performance / paper presented at the annual Congress of the Social Sciences and Humanities, CSSE Conference, ARTS SIG, Laval, Quebec City. de Cosson, A., Adu-Poku, S., Irwin, R., Pryer, A., Stephenson, W., & Wilson, S., (2001, April). Moving into/moving through: Interrelationships between artist/researcher/teacher/scholar roles. Performance / paper presented at the annual AERA Conference Arts-based Educational Research SIG, Seattle, Washington.  de Cosson, A. (2000, November). (Re)searching sculpted aporia: (Re)learning subverted-knowing through praxis. Performance / paper presented at the second annual Conference of AERA Arts-based Educational Research SIG, Austin, Texas. de Cosson, A., & Wilson, S. (2000, November). Open spaces: Artist/researcher/teacher praxis. Performance / paper presented at the second annual Conference of AERA Arts-based Educational Research SIG, Austin, Texas.  240  de Cosson, A., Adu-Poku, S., Irwin, R., Pente, P., Pryer, A., Stephenson, W., & Wilson, S. (2000, May) Fluid Spaces: Artist/ researcher /teacher praxis. A symposium presented at the annual Congress of the Social Sciences and Humanities, CSSE Conference, ARTS SIG, Edmonton, AB. de Cosson, A. (2000, May). Free-form (looking back): Sculpting (with)in research practice. A performance / paper presented at the annual Congress of the Social Sciences and Humanities, CSSE Conference, ARTS SIG, Edmonton, AB. de Cosson, A. (2000, April). Free-form (looking back): Sculpture as a research tool. Poster session presented at the annual AERA Conference, Arts-based Educational Research SIG, New Orleans, LA. de Cosson, A., Adu-Poku, S., & Stephenson, W. (2000, April). Artist/teacher/ researchers reflect on Praxis. In Envisioning Alternatives in Curriculum Practice and Inquiry. Roundtable conducted at the annual AERA Conference, Division B, Alternative Practices and Representations in Curriculum and Instruction, New Orleans, LA. de Cosson, A. (2000, April). Sculpting as research: (Re)learning (subverted-knowing) through praxis. Performance / Paper presented at the annual NAEA Conference, at the Marilyn Zurmuehlen working papers in art education invited session, Los Angeles, CA. Stephenson, W., de Cosson A., & Adu-Poku, S. (2000, April). Teaching research in unmaking to preservice teachers. Performance / Paper presented at the annual NAEA Conference Los Angeles, CA. de Cosson, A. (2000, February). Free-form (art as research/research as art) a project in transition: Sculpture as a research tool. Performance / Paper presented at the First Annual Conference of AERA Arts-based Educational Research SIG, Albuquerque, New Mexico. de Cosson, A. (2000, January). Patterns of hermeneutic pedagogy (with/in) studio artmaking as research. In A. de Cosson (Chair) A pied: Exploring artist/teacher/ researcher praxis. Exhibition & Symposium conducted at Regent College, Lookout Gallery, UBC. de Cosson, A. ( May 1999). Creativity and the working artist/teacher: Passion and process in the art college. Performance / Paper presented at the Congress of the Social Sciences and Humanities, CSSE Conference, Sherbrooke, Quebec. de Cosson, A. (1999). Creativity and the working artist/teacher: The relationships. Paper presented at Explorations in Research IV, University of British Columbia.  241  Appendix II Graduate studies course outline: University of British Columbia.  Is o^^ycect tL-Uu cou/L&e/ pyis i/bob ^xl^xtt^oivtpuzcluatC'  l^t/ CLxytJz&cC tliJuyttpLs i^uzt^p op  ifot<^j^v6v U^s  tli&  ^AA^I*VT^/U  op 3,001.  uxzlJz^up^ecLzt^o^p ule<2&/. £(s uxzds G/ cou/ub-o taJzAU^p'ci^vuz'uAp  c/^yub f^cluxxzbioi^s tiXxAzlei^&y a*%cL  UXXA/  bp  oppeAyect <zds a< 3ct i-Ccutio- ^cuscC oou/tA-e/. </iUs xtoutet^te'  565B Artist as teacher/Teacher as artist We are the 'Gleaners'"  1  This is a self reflective Studio experience. We will go forward together, our pace and our process is group dependent. "Self-understanding and self reflection are required from which no theory will exempt (us)" (P- 7). 1 7 8  Based on a premise that we are all Artist/teachers, that we understand what this means. We do not need to ask is it art? (a dead question for an Artist/teacher) We know the postmodern dilemma has brought us full light into a hard beam of a pluralistic contemporary world. y^/oO (As a-LL a/ooovfuf uds, tfy puJ[Aa£e&' pootw ally co Lt^e/uv, J  io«^€^ Pe&Lx' s&pe/u tluztn/ otluyciv. '  7 9  We can not know it all, we cannot expect to know it all always growing mutating moving sideways - backwards  With thanks to Agnes Varda and her wonderful documentary The Gleaners andl. France, 2000. I77  l78  Jardine, (1998). To dwell with a boundless heart. New York: Peter Lang.  179  Honey, (2001, July 21) 'But is it art?' Globe and Mail. 'But is it art?' Globe and Mail. 242  through and beyond not held to a single conductor not something bundled and sold off as a commodity Artists will always push through to find that which is new and exciting living and breathing today! Just as there is a continual discourse in educational research always building on recent writing and using these as stepping stones to haul up that which is behind and that which is ahead onto a common platform so does contemporary art pull, push, cajole us forward, along / through, from one step to the next (walking) predicated on the past (walking) at the same time throwing out the past  (walking)  openly in reception of that which is ... "We have focused our research on the idea that the only anthropologically and physically complete way to adhere to reality, what Merleau-Ponty called 'the flesh of the world,' is walking" (p. 115). Hamish Fulton (British artist-teacher). 180  We will walk / build / commune Autobiography/ autoethnography/narrative/me/I/self/metonymic relationships face/body-part relationship private public So let us begin with our mirror image (our T on the world) To build out form within and see where we are at the end.  Fulton, (1999). Hamish Fulton. Milan: Fondazione Antonio Ratti, Como.  !0  243  Appendix III  Gu Xiong lecture at the University of British Columbia, Jan. 30, 2002  (0 pnattide a (le)teMina of/ Cju'i, telUna, taken.tyiam*nn notei. oj tUat eve#Ui>ia. ^lui U not a vetted it but natUe'i tke threaded naVbotiue of mn mematej, and notei. taken, tluti. a itnattenina of lui. pe/tianal jaubneu- of ckanae and tAasiiJjonmation ai it iiiuit/uite ffanAine'i. (f998) call to "beat atitneM to tke UueA, we. ate Uuina. ... fond in) keepuna the wosild open and ewticina and aUue. and Uwitina'' (p. 2.), ta iMuwtinate a pedaaoay of nope and lenewal.')  Thirty two million people live in China's largest city. I started to do my art in the countryside there. I started at the bottom by recording my everyday life. I started to find my hope through my art about my memories. I would walk in the daytime, in the nighttime sleeping with rice in my stomach. Also at that time I learned simplicity from the farmers, a bowl of rice and they have a big grin on their faces. I am now a factory worker, the 'high class' of the revolutionary machine, but there is no meaning to me. To work with those young people who could get fired for having a girlfriend or boyfriend was very demoralizing. In 1978 the universities were opened after ten years of closures, and I continued with my art studies and teaching. We suddenly had western culture. In 1986-87 I was invited to The Banff Center, so I left my country for the first time and came to a very strange land. I was in culture shock. After strict examination style education I found myself in a new philosophy, so different. Suddenly I have this freedom but I didn't know how to use it. I went to New York see 'real' art. A Canadian Group of Seven exhibition had come to China in 1975, and another international exhibition in 1985.1 knew of western art through these exposures but contemporary art, as shown in New York, was something completely new to me. I have my own way to go, my own path to follow. I start to change, to make larger works. I make a very large print for the Banff Centre. The symbolic enclosures of a fence, a Great Wall of Banff, a fence print. I return home and experience reversed culture shock. I soared above the clouds and felt western freedom clawing at my bones. I wanted to challenge my governments professed freedoms. 244  How open could the government be? I mounted an exhibition which lasted three hours before it was closed down. The show was open three months before the student uprising at Tiananmen Square. Searching for freedom I returned to Banff, (Gu has remained in Canada since this last visit). My nomadic dream was not real, I had to come to terms with living in Canada. I came to Vancouver and found work at UBC food services as a busboy. I am now an individual in this society. The Cafeteria work starts to talk to me, crushed cans, new life, new ideas which lead to an exhibition in the basement of the Richmond Art Gallery. It reflected a transition from one culture to another. Here there and everywhere  I have an exhibition at the Vancouver Art Gallery after five years in Vancouver. My daughter connects through the land. I make a series of Rocky Mountain drawings. I am still in enclosures. The cultural barriers in China, there is no private space, even the toilet is not private. I make a series, "Your Zip is Down" story drawings. I reflect on one of Mau's great sayings, "If you want to know the history of the pear you have to bite into it." I had to bite into Canada. After a year I found meaning when I re look at a photo taken when Ifirstcame, Ifinallyfind out that I have to be an individual. Andy Warhol's Mau prints, at the National Gallery of Canada, are a perfect exemplar of my concept. "You and I" an exhibition at Art Speak Gallery, has salmon swimming home. I feel I have moved to another level, a spirit level. Socks as the river - then brought it to Victoria, use their Chinese Collection. A cultural river of salmon break through, swimming in the water involves the whole body: a bridge is too easy - stay in the flow. Bought my own house. Man made mountains - "I am who I am." Chinese Centre in Montreal, Chinese letters bigger than French. 'To build up the confidence.' White Mountain, blue sky. Bethune, every one knows him in China.  245  Appendix IV  The Pedagogy of Performative Liberation: A Multilectic Inter/intrastanding By: Alex de Cosson, Rita L. Irwin, Patti Pente, Stephanie Springgay, Samuel Adu Poku, Wendy Stephenson & Sylvia Wilson. Presented and performed at the 31 InSEA World Congress, August, 2002, NYC st  For a version with images please see: Performing the A/R/T/S: A pedagogy of self. In T. Poetter, C. Haerr, M. Hayes, C. Higgins & K. Baptist (Eds.), In(ex)elusion: (Re)visioning the democratic ideal (available at http://education.wsu.edu/journal/). New York: Educator's International Press.  Abstract In this paper/performance, six artist/ researcher/ teacher/ scholars perform a pedagogy of self through the use of autobiographical story telling integrated with visual elements and scholarly inquiry. A pedagogy of self is understood as self understanding and self creation derived from ongoing reflection and inquiry, an important process for educators who have been immersed in a profession dedicated to a pedagogy of others. By forming a metissage of artist/ researcher/ teacher/ scholars or A/R/T/S, we explain our stories through aesthetic experiences that integrate making, knowing and doing. The four roles assumed by each person are important for this process, because they represent a range of understanding that forms an integrated whole. Ultimately, this paper/performance portrays the importance of the arts and the roles implicit in the arts, for understanding the pedagogy of self and the pedagogy of others.  Imagine. The stage is quiet. As each person assumes a role, an artifact or work of art is brought to centre stage, contributing to a collective installation. Through interweaving and interlingual acts, the six contributors perform a visual and narrative based inquiry of 'a pedagogy of self. As each performer narrates their stories, others in the group cut and shape the paper covering the floor of the performance space, while also documenting the process of creation by means of digital photography and video. As the work unfolds, the cameras and scissors are passed on to the participant-viewers, who in turn become an integral part of the performance. Alex as Scholar I awoke this morning with the image bridging a connecting of one ' to another. 246  There was a point in our research groups weekly gathering where one significance, among many, was forced open - namely, the importance of the other. This 'opening' had its incubation while I attended a presentation (Nicol, 2000) that speculated that self-study wasn't so much about self as about the other, for without the other, the self was redundant. This circling of other, to self, to other, to create meaning finds a home in philosophical hermeneutics and phenomenology. It is in the circling from art to viewer to art that meaning is made. Our research group was in a research cycle of creating meaning in and of'the work we were doing and in our continuing dialogue with(in) it. We were in the researching process of validating our doing as artists, through each other and our work. For many art teachers their artist self is often neglected, hidden even repressed to conform to the teacher 'norm'. That we were in the presence of research in our weekly meetings became abundantly clear to me as I enthusiastically cajoled a fellow group member, "You are doing research, you are because you are here and that is what we are doing" as s/he questioned labeling our work research, choosing instead to label it simply art making (feeling more comfortable in a familiar place) and not research (this more difficult place in which we wished to dwell). For me it was the moment of being in and of 'the other'. In Hans Gadamer's (1974) words, I was "in the game. "  Patti as Audience As I sit, listen and watch the performance evolve around me, I am reminded by hearing Alex's voice of the many discussions that were precursors to this moment. As a member of this research group who left for a time on a maternity leave, my return is marked by watching this performance. I come back as a member of the audience and I can see the spirals of discovery and understanding that have unwound over time. The many questions with which we began now connect us in action, word, object, and image. Sam as Artist In an art exhibition that included my ceramic sculpture, inspired by traditional African themes of fertility and motherhood, some critics discredited the fertility figures for lacking creativity and valid systems of modernist aesthetics, as well as for their so-called paganistic content. But isn't creativity contingent and situated? And isn't the modernist art canon a question of standpoint epistemology? Even from the standpoint of Western philosophy and psychology, there is no consensus on the criteria for determining creativity. Whilst behaviourists present a mechanistic and objective view of creativity, existentialists view creativity as a transcendental, subjective and intuitive activity. There is a connection between ones sociocultural location and what one perceives as valid authentic and creative. The appreciation of an Ashanti fertility sculpture therefore lies within the context for which it was created and the merits underlying its creation rather than on a universal criterion. Though valid systems of aesthetics lie behind its creation, understanding the "African Proportion of Significance" holds the key for the appreciation of African art. Under this, parts of the human figure considered important are emphasized in the sculpture.  247  In attempt to explore and extend my understanding of the concepts of fertility and motherhood as artist/researcher/teacher, I revisit existing ideas and belief systems within the Ashanti traditional culture. The Ashanti of Ghana convey much of their ancient wisdom and cultural traditions in symbolic language forms. The meaning of art is conceptual and influenced by the African cosmological philosophy. Fertility sculptures have certain identifiable characteristics normally understood by people socialized into the Ashanti cultural milieu. Deities are linked to the fertility of the earth, crops, animals and humans. To make the deities accessible and channel their vital force for the benefit of humanity, artifacts, including religious sculptures are produced to venerate and cultivate the powers of benevolent spirits (Sarpong, 1974). European pioneers to Africa, the Portuguese, referred to these sculptures as feitico meaning "fabricated" or "false gods." But Africans never thought of these sculptures as gods in themselves but as receptacles for the vital forces (Leuzinger, 1960). Patti as Audience I have seen Sam's sculpture in different contexts: in a cardboard box, in a gallery, in his hands, and in front of me in this performance. Now Sam a n d the art he has m a d e are Researcher and Research - now Art and Artist - as I watch him move and talk. He teaches me about his Ashanti point of view. His mother is honoured. This reminds me of an earlier art exhibition where complaints were expressed about the bare breasts evident in this sculpture. I think of my tiny baby who hungrily and awkwardly latched on to me so many times. I remember my bumbling attempts to cover up our breastfeeding in public. Floppy little h e a d . Falling blanket. The surprising pain as she latched on. The relaxing glow that enveloped me. Sam's words float back to me as I return to the performance. I lean b a c k in my chair, and cross my arms. Stephanie as Teacher A student approached me today after class. We had a peer critique, a chance to share, to assess, to reflect. She had three paintings in process, was perplexed on how to tie them all together, to finish one most troublesome. I examined her pieces, talking to her about her aims and directions. They were beautiful pieces, pushing way beyond what I had hoped for from this introductory drawing and painting class. I pointed to a particular spot on one of the canvases, layers of texture and colour spilled over each other, a swirling mass of blurry shapes. Residues of her arm. I wanted more of this. She looked at me exasperated, not knowing how or why that particular corner had emerged. I encouraged play with paint and pigment, acrylic mediums, risk and time for reflection. She wanted step by step do it this way in one night answers. Criteria. Deadlines. Grades. We talked about how I might be able to (re)create this spot, how after years of building body memories I was able to return to a place of knowing, of understanding what materials might do. Yet, even for me there were no certain guarantees. I would try it one-way, failing that attempt a second until I arrived at a desired goal. Sometimes goals change en-route. New journeys. She didn't need to mimic, to copy that particular corner. What I was asking her to do was to find that space of risk and uncertainty, to plunge deep into her pigments, to leave her mark. She spoke of the impossibility of teaching art to children. Curriculum. Assessment. Ambiguity. I spoke of the possibilities that art opened up for students in school. Risk is the 248  repeated refrain. A pedagogy that cannot exist in overheads and lesson plans. A pedagogy of uncertainty, incompleteness... Patti as Audience I fiddle with a pen and paper given to me as an invitation to participate - to write or draw my reactions. But I cannot write. I don't want to look down and miss anything. Instead, I take scissors in hand and enter into the performance. I kneel on the floor. I cut the brown paper. Cutting. Cutting. The sound seems loud a b o v e Stephanie's voice. I follow her red shoes as she walks across in front of me. I never really considered red as she presents it. Now I wonder about other colours and the power in them for me. Sylvia as Artist  As I began to investigate, construct, and tell narratives of mothering, of loss, of grief, and of hope, both the process of research and the story fabric evolved as both written and visual; an interplay of image and text. I began with images of seeds: Fruit ripe and full encasing seeds and the hope of new life. Seeds hidden in dark places released in death and bringing forth life again: Cycles of birthing and dying. Images of being pregnant and full; full of joy and sorrow, and of loss and grief. Slowly, as the images emerged in cloth and in colour, warm, tactile, held in my hand and carefully stitched, I found myself imaged, and the narratives began to take shape. The first image I stitched was a green pepper. I looked at it and saw myself reflected back. Here I am cut open. Patti as Audience What's that in Sylvia's hand? It is small and white. She begins to speak and my body tenses. I a m familiar with her story, sewn into patches of fabric. Events told in her calm voice. I tense because I know I a m going to cry although I've hard about Nathaniel many times before. Her story cuts me too. She unrolls a long white b a n d a g e as she talks to us, and lays it down.  Wendy as Scholar UBC scholar John Willinsky in his 1998 text, "Learning to divide the world: Education at Empire's End," traces current prejudices regarding class, race, religion, and gender to imperialism's teachings on how to classify and differentiate 'other,' 'other' always being lesser. Willinsky discusses British colonial schooling with its lessons designed "to make obvious Britain's right to rule" (p. 99) and to have non-British peoples believe that their culture was "of a lower grade. ..something of which to be ashamed" (pp. 99-100). This reading made me look for signs of assumed superiority in relatives who had grown up in nineteenth century England. I 249  reconsidered critically materials that had been in my life for years, unquestioned: a family photograph (1920) and an article (1937) by my grandfather (H. E. Bullen) and a whaling book (1897) by my grandfather's cousin (F . T. Bullen). The more formally educated of the two, my grandfather, was exposed to class and race assumptions while serving as one of Queen Victoria's ten boy choristers and likely as a student at Oxford. The photograph he made shows his family having tea on the grass in the front of their house in Vancouver in 1920. It suggests a convincing civility, British style, 'out here in the colonies.' But he later declares in an article (1937), where he looks back at his experience singing at the royal wedding of the father of King George VI, to having had more than enough exposure to fashionable London society. He quips, 'Thank goodness over a quarter of a century in this wonderful Canada of ours has rubbed off the rough spots, and I am now quite a human individual again.' Moving to Canada as a young man and raising several children on his income as an early Vancouver photographer indeed might have rubbed off any sense of superiority or entitlement my grandfather may have had. His cousin, Frank Thomas Bullen, left England at age 12 to go to sea thus cutting short his formal education and apparently minimizing the contagion of racist attitudes and class-consciousness. His most popular book, The Cruise of the Cachalot (1897), as well as providing a profound understanding of whales, reveals his equal consideration of, and enlightened respect for, all the peoples he met and worked with while circling the world as a seaman. Patti as Audience I watch and sense the development of history and of community in this performance. Some of the faces have changed since we began our inquiry and others have remained. Zooming in with the camera that has been passed to me, I recognize many of the objects created and/or chosen to be placed on this carpet. The carpet itself is like an old acquaintance. Rolled up and unrolled into a different time. Objects carried and placed and re/placed. Meaning shifts. The performance is familiar to m e - y e t unfamiliar. I wonder what happens next. Rita as Researcher As a pedagogue, my greatest challenge is to contextualize new learning experiences within the student's existing experiences. As a pedagogue of self, the same holds true. For me to return to my childhood experience of rape, I wrote of my memories and emotions as signs to interpreting my knowledge of self. It was a difficult process because I discovered I was adept at hiding important signs or denying any recognition of certain signs. But through gentle persistence, visually, poetically and textually, I interpreted and re-interpreted a genealogy of experience and feeling. In the act of doing so I taught myself a new interpretation of self, a self that is ready to unfold again and again. Pedagogically, I attempt to encourage viewers to think back in time... to think back on time as a sign itself. "TIME has a cultural code, a sign, that could not be disregarded. Yet art educators often avoid or ignore the significance of TIME as a cultural sign. We take time for granted. I do not mean that we should reify time, but rather that we need to recognize the journey we have taken in and through time (Irwin, 1996-1997, p. 122)." Retrieving photos of myself as a child around the age of five taught me about my self and my family. As Duncum 250  (1996-1997, p. 113) has written, snapshots of happy children are used in families and in schools as a way to socially construct "childhood as universally and timelessly happy, safe, protected and innocent." Adults desire to preserve childhood in a particular way and thus "pictures of children ... are not altogether really about children or childhood. They tell us about ourselves. While we insist childhood belongs to actual children, it is also a construct which fulfills our need to place our fantasies and desires somewhere in reality (p. 114)." Snapshots of childhood in family albums help to create a sense of identity within a family unit. They help us retell our personal stories. Snapshots of my childhood confirm a happy childhood, one in which I was playful, carefree and loving. There are no snapshots of me in a state of trauma, isolated from others, lost in emotional turmoil. Alongside snapshots taken by my parents I have juxtaposed the retelling of experience and emotion, exposing an invisible history. Patti as Audience Gentle -1 want to own the word like a mantra. I want to whisper it to myself - gentle, gentle - as a litany when I look back into how I have built my memories. This performance closes, we clap and I let out a deep breath I didn't realize I had been holding. The work of art in the center has been cut, layered and built. Everyone is milling about. With each performance, meeting, and private deliberation, this project has evolved. Doubts wobbled around in the beginning. And now I witness how time has shaped the performers and me. I move from my chair onto the carpet, smiling. A Pedagogy of Self Performed through the A/R/T/S Pedagogy of self is using the power you have to create yourself. Grumet (1990, p. 324) describes the power of personal narrative and autobiography to define and interpret experience in this way: "Autobiography becomes a medium for both teaching and research because each entry expresses the particular peace its author has made between the individuality of his or her subjectivity and the intersubjective and public character of meaning."  This A/R/T/S narrative and visual display is an attempt to rethink theory as story (Richardson, 2000): that is, six stories that interweave autobiographies of self knowing and self becoming through the roles of artist, researcher, teacher and scholar. They are also stories that recognize the need for the 'pedagogy of other' alongside the 'pedagogy of self,' and therefore the interlingual acts of metissage go even further by adopting a notion that theory as the A/R/T/S is a way for explaining phenomena through aesthetic experiences that integrate knowing, doing and making. Through dialogical work amongst the roles of artist, researcher, teacher and scholar, as individuals and as members of a community, we perform a pedagogy of self in relation to others. Authoring our own lives, taking charge of our own storylines, is the basis of transformation. Only in realizing the power to create our own lives, can we as teachers make this a possibility for our students. Only then can we lead students to believe the same notion, to encourage them to become involved in a pedagogy of self, and to continually take responsibility for creating their own lives. Pedagogy of self is learning through reflection about our selves and 251  our own way of learning (see Irwin, Stephenson, Robertson & Reynolds, 2000). By living a life of inquiry through a pedagogy of self and of others, we create and transform our own lives. References Bullen, H. E. (1937). Manuscript of an article written on the occasion of King George VI and Queen Mary's visit to Vancouver in 1937 (publication status unknown). In possession of Wendy (Bullen) Stephenson. Bullen, F. T. (1897/1930 Reprint). The cruise of the Cachalot: Round the world after sperm whales. New York: Crosset & Dunlap. Csikszentmihalyi, M. (1990). Flow: The psychology of optimal experience. New York: Harper Collins. Duncum, P. (1996-1997). Snapshots of happy childhood. Arts and Learning Research, 13(1), 113-115. Eisner, E. (1991). The Enlightened Eye. New York: McMillan Publication Co. Eisner, E. (1993). Form of understanding and the future of educational research. The Educational Researcher, 22 (7), 5-11. Gadamer, H. G. (Speaker). (1974). What is philosophical hermeneutics'] (Cassette recording No. RT 508). Toronto, ON: OISE. Grumet, M. (1990). Voice: The search for a feminist rhetoric for educational studies. Cambridge Journal of Education, 20(3), 321-326. Haraway, D. (1988). Situated knowledge: The science question in feminism and the privilege of partial perspective. Feminist Studies, 14 (3), 575 - 599. Irwin, R.L., Stephenson, W., Robertson, H., & Reynolds, J. K. (2000). Passionate creativity, compassionate community. Irwin, R. L. (1996-1997). It's about time we noticed time. Arts and Learning, 13(\), 119-122. Leuzinger, E. (1960). Africa: The arts of Negro Peoples. New York: Crown. McNiff, S. (1998). Trust the process: An artist's guide to letting go. Boston: Shambhala Publications. Miller, J. P. (2000). Education and the soul. Albany: State University of New York Press. Nicol, C , (2000). Self-study/action research: Is it REALLY research? Department of Curriculum Studies Seminar Series Presentation, UBC (October). Norman, R. (1997). Writing and re-writing feminist and irreverent texts. English Quarterly, 28(4) and 29(1), 24-35. Putman, J. H., & Weir, G. (1925). Survey of the school system. Province of British Columbia: Victoria, Canada. Richardson, L. (2000). Writing: A method of inquiry. In N. K. Denzin & Y. S. Lincoln (Eds.), Handbook of qualitative research (second edition), (pp. 923-948). Thousand Oaks: Sage. Sarpong, P. (1974). Ghana in retrospect: Some aspects of Ghanaian culture. Tema: Ghana Publishing Co. Scott, C , Weston, P.W., Judge, S.P. (1924). Manual of drawing and design for elementary and high schools: A teacher's manual. Toronto: Thomas Nelson and Sons, Ltd. Smith, D. (1994). Pedagon: Meditations on pedagogy and culture. Bragg Creek, Alta: Makyo Press. Sogyal Rinpoche (1993). The Tibetan book of living and dying. P. Gaffney & A. Harvey (Eds.). New York: Harper San Francisco. Varela, F., Thompson, E., & Rosch, E. (1997). The embodied mind: Cognitive science and human experience. Cambridge, Mass.: MIT Press. Willinsky, John. (1998). Learning to divide the world: Education at empire's end. Minneapolis: University of Minnesota Press.  252  Appendix V A life- narrative (sails easily) (always) into our past/future I was tempted to drop this as, "I haven't got it right yet, and I already have enough." However, it became clear why this is here and why it was important to work through. It IS a story, a journey, in Maxine Greene's (1995) words, universal to us all, "I am forever on the way"(p. 1.). Connected past to future, for an ability of the entire writing to have a 'ring,' for the installation to have a hermeneutic circling back into a/r/tography, autoethno graphic journaling that is this textu(r)al walking journey(ing) home. The struggle is worth it. "In the aporia I find a mirroring of truth, however momentary" (from research journal, July 28, 2002). "I attach great importance to the energy that lies in a biography" Joseph Beuys.  181  (An (Inter)texu(r)al performative, to be read aloud in the rhythm as written:)  Well this is a friend who goes back to my childho and going to his parents house His university professor father and being in the kitchen and something about him having done all the kitchen shelves "a handy-man-around-the-house " (something my father never was)  so I was (through mother) impressed.  Then their next house on the 'Endowment Land  (those simple words held such promise) and I would come often, (the years into manhood) to dinner parties 1  Staeck & Steidle, (1997), p. 214. 253  wonderfully served. (My friends' father an amateur chef baked me birthday cakes at 16 and 38 years) At 15 I sailed from Hawaii, ('Maui race' returning ) this professor as skipper of a 27 foot ocean sailor. First day bow-held remembered thinking  as I was thrown roughly about by already growing seas "and I'm on this until it ends no escape!" I remember well the swell of leaving Maui land receding only sea between us and voyage end. My father there too, and an older man 'skipper' (the professors' cousin) 254  and a hired hand complement, all 5 of us sailing straight line for home.  sun rising quite  morning watch gliding  Those long becalmed days sat tossing in circles sails luffing  that heat sun.  (flapping listlessly)  Scheduled for 14 days took 21 water conservation (sneak a little more) Oh  the irony  'Water water everywhere and not a drop to drink'  255  Celestial navigation through my body's constant heal (that is sailing)  on a continual course home.  The pure pleasure of responding boat in my hands  Long days of wonder fishing giant tuna as porpoises schooled to play phosphorescent at night.  Continual mast pounding bulk head pouring professors' soaked bunk viscous storm waves scoured poop deck.  (Later my father war-time naval captain [re]tells how fearful he was for this small, sloop-sailor.)  My father's 42 foot sloop that he sunk as a young man off the coast of Brittany.  256  The coast his great great great grandfather escaped Then war ravaged and occupied (My father parachuted at war)  A shore with our ancestors blood wrecked his boat.  To sail over the reef on a storm driven swell-tide cracked her spine pictures story-tell the next days' shore-lined litter.  Now his young son on a boat  (that rode storms without grace cabin soaking fear raiser)  secure with these men who laughed pipe smoke and talked  And the professor baked me my 16th birthday ca on 'Puffin ii', 257  still a number of days from landfall where my mother had been waiting with her sister (my Aunt Dodie, 'all the way from Scotland') as her menfolk did this manly thing of sailing the Pacific in a bathtub (to her).  A growing experiential coming of age (s)p(l)ace boat sea security.  Now my son sailing for six weeks his 16th summer tens days on a Tall Ship west coast sailing small craft-racing in protected bays  Bays I sailed with my father as a boy  The sea's pedagogy  Teaches  Coasts connected Generations feed by watered sea air. 258  259  


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