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Im-person-ating identity in spaces of difference Gill, Hartej 2003

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IM-PERSON-ATING IDENTITY IN SPACES OF DIFFERENCE By Hartej Gill B.A. (French), University of British Columbia, 1987 Professional Teaching Certificate, University of British Columbia, 1988 M.A. (Modern Language Education), University of British Columbia, 1998 A THESIS SUBMITTED IN PARTIAL FULFILMENT OF THE REQUIREMENTS FOR THE DEGREE OF DOCTOR OF PHILOSOPHY In THE FACULTY OF GRADUATE STUDIES Centre for the Study of Curriculum and Instruction We accept this thesis as conforming to the required standard  THE UNIVERSITY OF BRITISH COLUMBIA Vancouver, B.C. May, 2003 © Hartej Gill, 2003  Abstract Impersonating Identity in Spaces of Difference is an ALTERnative discourse of dis/ruption, decolonization, deconstruction....Writing on the b/orders of theories, disciplines, genres, cultures....this re/search weaves together personal, familial, and societal stories of silence and silencings. By subverting conventional academic texts and hegemonic frameworks of Canadian "MultiCULTural institutions and Canadian "MultiCULTuraP society," this subaltern re/search claims a space for marginalized voices. Conventional ways of knowing, being, becoming are generatively disRupted in order to create awareness of the continuing legacies of colonialism, modernity, patriarchy...and to highlight the urgent need to provide genuine spaces of "belonging" that inclusively honour and respect the gifts of all individuals. Entangled in the in/visible hierarchical realities of "Canadianness," this in/quiry articulates decolonizing resistance. The layers of the impure academic textual body perform the multiple fragmented intertextual layers of the improper Indocanadian/Can-indian body creating em(bodi)ed re-imag(e)inings of epistemology and pedagogy. This tense, restless landscape of multi-languages, multi-genres, multimeanings, multi-truths is an inter-Ruption of predetermined b/orders and predetermined bodies  of predetermined purity, in a world of ever-changing  multiplicity. Drawing on "difference" in multiCULTuralism, language, voice, and identity, this performative work travels in and out of questions of absence, "hybridity," foreignness, loss, displacement, marginalization, patriarchy, colonialism, modernity....In this powerful and liberating form of non-traditional in/quiry, meaning making takes precedence over conventional stylistic or pre-established structures and acknowledges personal "ethnic" experience as a valuable form of reliable "academic" knowledge. This trans-disciplinary, transformative, transcultural...in/quiry disRupts traditional hegemonic narratives and challenges the conventional notions of re/search and writing through its form and content. Through the braided weaving of English, French and Punjabi, personal stories, familial narratives, prose, letters, e-mails, cross-  cultural conversations, visual imagery, historical documents, "subtexts," "surtexts," intertexts, collaborative texts...undermine and upset hegemonic linguistic norms. Fiction, fantasy, History, herstory, theirstories, memory...are juxtaposed through mixed non-linear genres and codes in protest of violent acts of com(form)ity, exclusion and censorship. Stories of India and Canada find themselves interwoven unexpectedly, betraying the lies and the truths of patriarchy, colonialism, modernity, multiCULTuralism, transCULTuralisms...disrupting clean, linear readings of writing and of research. This experiment with nonstructure and typography attempts to actively decolonize, deconstruct/re-construct imposed academic and social identities in a more meaningful way and provide readers with a sense of living in the "transculturality" of the "diasporic in-between." Only by provoking a critical, cross-cultural "INNERstanding" of History, POWer, systemic marginalization, colonialism and modernity can we begin to relationally take on the collective response-abilty for social justice in policy and practice ~ in the word and in the wor(l)d.  tt+  v.  fatp  .ft Dis  U  ntitled - 4.  Table of Contents Identities  bite**** S  Absent Identities - ± 4 6  TaWe of Content, . ^  /  Tangled Terrains f  Inter-being <  Categories/-Aiways Leak /  02 WW** Pithaji's Letter -1%  ftcfaowtedfjements  l would lil(e to begin 6y than(Q.ng the fMusqueam people upon whose traditional territory, I hadthe•privilegeof completing this dissertation.  I wouldalso lif^e to than^jDr. Joseph %atz and his family for supporting my wor((through t generous scholarship.  I have had the extraordinary honour of living and (re)learning in the presence of manygenui caring, creative, generous and visionary individuals. To these individuals, I am deeplygrate Dear <BeautifulSouls, fMeaniny-ma/(infl occurs relationally... (BlessedBy the spirit of my elders andancestors, I thanfyouforyour lovely and uniqueyifts.  Acknowledgements  6  I £ sJ | O  ft  WW  •yOc 'Dear'BeautifuCSouCs, Ihanfyoufor fighting the way and foryofy- very generous ankcaring way ofin/spiring my wor(Qd... Shu^ria thaSathsria^al, 'Withgreat care andrespect, tiartej  y^g^.  y  l^l  (Dedication  with" respect to efders andancestors foryourendfess strength, courage, determination, andfove your spirit h~as guided me and sustained me  Ifiis journey  is  our  journey.  cT  ir  i d e n t i t y in S p a c e s  of  Ifference  D  'The  title la a reduction - as If one could account for two hundred pages In a few words." (Clxoua A Calle-Gruber, 1997, p. 18)  "In the beginning is difference." (Cixous, 1993, p. 44)  "The performative self is not simply put forward; it moves forward." (Probyn, as quoted in Pollock, 1998, p. 87) z  FROM: Repressive spaces of silent, silenced bodies absent in their presence. Racialized, feminized, colonized, ignorant bodies Visibly invisible, alienated, alien, contaminated, exotised.  TO: Generative spaces of knowing, in/forming bodies, he(art)ful bodies. Alive, entangled, evolving, Lingering,interconnecting, ever-cfuiTupin/j Bodies. 'texts breathe, sentences dance, words bring worlds into being."  singing,  dancing, playing, praying, healing, he(art)ful bodies dis/rupting, in their being, their performing, their  transforming. Margins become sites of resistance.  Resistance in silence. Inside-out silence.  From the margins to the Centre. Centering silences.  Opening spaces of artful em/bodied pedagogy. He(art)ful pedagogy.  (Disrupting, inter-rupting, re-imag(e)ingpedagogy andacad fa&uHng, learning, andre/searcAing in 6ody/fidawareness an coGectwe7iespons-a6ifity. 3-  U^O  ^/u*  ^UTU^yy  ^0x/  u £ ^COJ  ay -true, JC&A,  T  -yUjd^cL  (Minh-ha, 1996, p. 8)  8-  I nterrupted dentities Fragments of my being, forgotten. Left behind behaving in the baras, gravelling on the tangas, hiding at the havipli, and crying in the coo. Trapped at the bottom of the "petti," in the darkness of the uncolonized kamra. Identities: "Proper" Puniabr girl, dutiful daughter.... Interrupted/ transported, and relocated to an-other place of difference. The "proper" Powerful identity trans-formed, re-cast(e) and re-placed/"improperly" amidst a D O M I N A T N I T non-colonizing world of invisibility, visibility and/silence. Stories self-created and self-creating, /  beaten beneath the brownness.  >  Subservient, speechless, stories under the skin,  v  \  /  silently ocroaming to un-earth,  \  I  Jo be re-member-ed. Tore-root.  \  To trans-root.  \  i j•  To trans-gress.  i  Trapped in tres-pass.  \  ... (The memory interrupts) "Forgive us our trespasses as we forgive those why-trespass against us." -  Standing behind the chair attached to the pale-broWn desk, I obediently repeated these words frorh the Christian Bible daily as part of the"morning activities of my grade two year. When I sat down, I dutifully printed the prayer on,the brown paper provided. Etching each sacred word carefully, I wondered what these words meant. Identities: E.S.L. Student,  "ifon-speaker" - (No Language). (Non-Canadian).  (Naturalized Canadian not immigrant)....  -\  v Arbitral^, words of an arbitrary agenda. TEACHing in front of the class she clearly in(Form)ed us that marriage bet(we)en different races woUd result in deformed, mutilated monster babies.  Amen  +0-  Im-person-ating Identity i n Spaces of Difference  "No legitimate place, no land, no fatherland, no history of my own." (Cixous, 1991, p. xx) "The miracle is that out of all this sense of lack, writing cam (Suleiman, 1991, p. xx) "At a certain moment for the person who has lost everything, whether that means a being or a country, language becomes the country. One enters the country of words." (Cixous, 1991, p. xx) "Miraculous Metamorphosis, when mourning becomes language turns from emptiness to substance added to the world (Suleiman, 1991, p. xx)  The skies of this land pour out in hailing anguish and rage. Stoning my eyes, my face, my mind, my body. Filling my open mouth with lying betrayal. Chilling experiences and histories re/order/ed deep into the alienness of my being. Freezing all that they touch and instantly, I am stone. Solid, homed, fixed, cold stone of silent, abiding mute betrayal. Moulding on this dharthi matha, mother oarth, in (bodyless), (souless), KNOW(IN)G silence. apprehended and in/terred by silence  MISplaced the monsoons transcend (invisibly). Unknowingly estranging this autumnal burial ground. Angelic, haunting, - the voice mourning distant beauty and unspoken deaths, sings the poetry of words frozen deep inside my body.  44-  Sind  sfowfy i Begin  meft  into  Words of the forked tongues of many tongues - semilingual tongues filled with semilingual words of asymmetry.  Betraying, treacherous, unfaithful, dangerously honest words. Words of an enemy, words of an alien, words of an/other.  Careless/considerate hard to swallow, pressing words. Sedimented, petrified words frozen inside the labyrinth of the body. Expecting to die -- dying to live, dying to betray -- to betray even their own denying betrayal.  43-  1£(^E(/(nativepages are unccnnfb/haBly uncautious wBisperinjg sc  tBatsc\eam Betraying words escaping to Se fieard. (Betrayal o  country cfmy Sirtfi andBetrayalof the country ofmy refuge. (M  a Betraying^oice ofjjuilt andresistance against tBepatfiarcBalCU  in wBicB I^as^mt andraised ((Their CULTure) a/ta oftBepatriar  classipn, andsystemwracism.ofthe society (OfyEK^ CZlLTure/SO pczvBicBI wasjjivfn a new unBoming/Bc  As I spea^ frpm a 6ridging-placeyf deconstruction, re-constructi reconstpu^tton andco<onstrucfton, my worlds wrfldopefull^  rpfbnatejwitB my readers. My narratives, prbse, poetry, visual  tBe struggles and resistance ofan indo-Canadiam£an-indian worw&  not alaim to spea^fouotBer Indo-Canadian women\rfor anyone  (However, tBese wa/f(l)ds ofliving andnegotiating amtast W two c  cultures in tBe "(Multicultural" Canadian landscape wu%reson  many individuals - witB some more loudly tBan witB otnkrs. T  telling, myotonies tellotBers' stories andtBey ones.tell societal  "(My story, no douBt is me, But it is also, no douBt older tBan ((MinB-Ba, 19S9, p. 52 (Invitation letter to tBe reader continuedon page IS)  Here in this ln-bet(we)en-space >f writing is where absent identities per/form, where  i d e n t i t i e s  t r a n s f o r m  and are  transformed and where new  t *r A  M  *  f * r ml * jg  definitions of S&fveS  m  3 e.  "/ know that It's by being unknown to myself, that I live." (Clxous 4 Calle-Gruber, 1997, p. 9)  IC^KJ  C^On^tAc(^c^q,  ^AAuLccy/i  •wx^Usty')  ^cxccA^oZctna  J/uAvX^aA+wLis,  -Q^S  s6c<Z*tZy. Av\J xAt ^(7a^6. <  -W^drfutsbL  ^u^oruj.  AAu^u  ^vccA^  /  vAccA  \A*v ^v€^*0  -<2> snooty  sAAc^  SAKJU>U ^A^iA^cAa;, A'AJCAO  IrflrveS  X^^JCXLA^AJ^^^  ASe^Au; UA^AIJ ^^astt^<^  A*L- A<A^j ^/U*LS -<A*Y*^z&tAi  SACLAJC*O  a^zoC sCs6$Ajt,  ^^cAiy^Ctit^lcA  sA^<yt^vAcA %^A*_  "^^^  AA<Ls  Identity n. 1603, sameness or oneness; borrowed from Middle French identitite learned borrowing from Late Latin identitatem (nominative identitds) sameness, from ident-, combining form of Latin idem (neuter) same (related to id it), extracted from the adverb identidem over and over again, from idem et idem;....  (Barnhart, 1988, p. 509) Over and over again in Canadian History, the ethnic and cultural identities of marginalized groups have been identified by the likeness of the colour of their skin and the impurity of their blood to the "Others" — the transparent "Others' ~ of the modern, civilized NATION.  The races of men will be designated by the use of V for white, "r" for red, "b" for black, "y" for yellow [and "h" for half-breedl. The whites are, of course, the Caucasian race, the reds are the American Indian, the blacks are the African or negro, and the yellows are the Mongolian (Japanese and Chinese). But only whites will be classed as whites; the children begotten of marriages between whites and any one of the other races will be classed as red, black or yellow, as the case may be, irrespective of the degree of colour.... Among whites the racial or tribal origin is traced through the father, as in English, Scotch, Irish, Welsh, French, German, Italian, Scandinavian, etc. Care must be taken, however, not to apply the terms "American" or "Canadian" in a racial sense, as there are no races of men so called. "Japanese," "Chinese" and "negro" are proper racial terms; but in the case of Indians the names of their tribes should be given, as "Chippewa," "Cree," etc. Persons of mixed white and red blood — commonly known as  30  rrr i & l  I  z  as  as  s  <  2?!  < <  e  Ci  o a -  35.  s  T i B?*M!»I raw I 8*3***SSS •  s  "5>  - ft s - i *•  S W s i ifi,*Sfc* »S.*§,,5**f |:6S8 * I 8 5 S SHI  C|  I  ifr,  *  g-  '  at  t€  ai  <0  i  «  -i a  s—j  1  «  7=«y  gI  s  -* W II  -  *  g  - —  a  • SJ  *  | I,  n  at  *R9  a—S"  •5  • s  a  "3  •  P~  k  I  «  8  l4  4*1  « 9 a g ss I -«*s* g "a- i s * * *  ..*  t;  r " « » « 8  as-2  ii  ©- «f  il  S § I s-SI-S 8§S2S 8  a  a.  3-  o  I  s e  2  2  S'Rg  -S  S  » - 3 |  V  1  S  '  rf  KSt:-«c-a  | a eg g  H S  B S S C  fill I SlPiUlii s PH § m  5 73  l i s  "  pun nm « ^  P  lil i  J  -  i iiiHi^ii fff^  eo «  V  at  ef  of  s * O  of  t O h ¥  as"  i HP f w r m o"  3SH  8  f  icT  ^  cf  r  ^» *  . x. — 1»  "breeds" ~ will be described by addition of the initial letters "f.b." for French breed, "e.b." for English breed, "s.b." for Scotch breed and "i.b." for Irish breed....For example: "Cree f.b." denotes that the person is racially a mixture of Cree and French; and "Chippewa s.b." denotes that the person is Chippewa and Scotch. Other mixtures of Indians besides the four above specified are rare, and may be described by the letters "o.b." for other breed. (Canadian Government, 1902, p. 1)  In the 1901 Census, a person of colour of this NATION cou  not be "CANADIAN." Only PURE WHITES were entitle  to that identity. The colour brown - the colour of my sk  is absent from the possible racial descriptions becaus  "including it would have mucked up the short-form letter catego  leaving two 'b's' in a polyglot of confusion" (Backhou  1999, p. 1). Simply eliminated for being a confusion in a place of pur How then would my skin have been i d e n t i  f i e d ?  I turn to the tables indicating the origins of the people in se  of an identity - a raceless, colourless transparent identit  . . .Others, Autres, Unspecified, Nonspecifiees. / keep searching.  Without really knowing who I am looking fo searching perhaps for my ancestors for myselves.  The 1971 Census (in the instructions to question 15) clarifies: Ethnic or cultural group refers to descent (through the 33-  father's side) and should not be confused with citizenship. Canadians belong to many ethnic or cultural groups ~ English, French, Irish, Scottish, German, Ukrainian, Jewish, Native Indian, Negro, Chinese, Lebanese, etc. (Canadian Minister of Industry, Trade, and Commerce, 1972, p. 28) The above clarification makes the possibility of being "CANADIAN" -- of belonging, of a non-other identity more hopeful. However when I return to the instructions for question 14 on the same page, the contradictions seem apparent.  The third section of question 14 states: Persons who have not yet become Canadian citizens and have lost their former citizenship, or have no citizenship for any other reason, should write "Stateless" in the space provided above "Other, write here." (p. 28)  "Stateless" = CITIZENshipless. 14. Of what country are you a Citizen? My parents write ''Other, Stateless." 15. To what ethnic or cultural group did you or your ancestor (on the male side) belong on coming to this continent?" ~ "Other" 16. What is your religion? -"Other" 17. What language do you MOST OFTEN speak at home now? ~ "Other"  Other, Autres, Unknown, Inconnus  24  My re/search through the dusty stacks in the basement of Koemer Libr  continues, I am determined to find another unOther identit  The 1996 Census introduces the term landed immigrant. Question 15 clarifies this term: "A landed immigrant is a person who has been granted the right to live in Canada permanently by immigration authorities" (Candian Minister of Industry, 1997, p. 59). One may be a Canadian Citizen by birth or by naturalization as stated in question 14. One is not a Canadian Citizen (as stated in the 1996 Census Dictionary) if one belongs to the immigrant population (Canadian Minister of Industry, 1999, p. 27). Question 17 (in the Socio-Cultural Information section of the 19% Census Dictionary) introduces the term "Canadian" for thefirsttime and provides space for the possibility that an individual may identify her/himself with more than one ethnic or cultural group. "Canadian" is not defined but is grouped with the other "White" groups and is followed by a list of other less dominant groups: To which ethnic or cultural group(s) did this person's ancestors belong? For example, French, English, German, Scottish, Canadian, Italian, Irish, Chinese, Cree, Micmac, Metis, Inuit (Eskimo), Ukrainian, Dutch, East Indian, Polish, Portuguese, Jewish, Haitian, Jamaican, Vietnamese, Lebanese, Chilean, Somali, etc. (p. 366) Following this list, on page 368 in question 19, one is asked:  v  Is this person: White Chinese South Asian (e.g., East Indian, Pakistani, Punjabi, Sri Lankan) Black (e.g., African, Haitain, Jamaican, Somali) Arab/West Asian (e.g., Armenian, Egyptian, Iranian, Lebanese, Moroccan)  25-  Filipino South East Asian (e.g., Cambodian, Indonesian, Laotian, Vietnamese) Latin American Japanese Korean Other? - Specify  It is stated that this question is used to gain information on Visible Minorities. The 1996 Census was the first census to ask a direct question to provide data on visible minorities. The 1996 Census Dictionary defined the term "Visible Minority" in the same manner as the Employment Equity Act: [P]ersons, other than Aboriginal peoples, who are non-Caucasian in race or non-white in colour. The visible minority population includes the following groups: Chinese, South Asian, Black, Arab/West Asian, Filipino, Southeast Asian, Latin American, Japanese, Korean, and Pacific Islan4er. (Canadian Minister of Industry, 1997, p. 114)  A note beneath question 19 stat This Information Is collected to support programs which promote equal opportunity  for everyone to share in the social  cultural and economic life of Canad  Why Is my body suspicious?  26-  others  A litres, Unspecified, Nonspeeifiecs  Stateless, Other Born Outside, Other country, landed i m m i g r a n t 1  Hindu, Sikh, East Indian, South Asian, Punjabi, Visible Minority,  ( Canadian Nation building and moral order were tied to the discourse of racial purity./ Certain identities were more suited for "Canadianness,?' "Others" were *6t. Yet these  The Canadian Consensus: strangers  F "Other" CANADIAN  were at OUR  GATES.  r.  ST-  Canada $3.5 MILLIC SEIZED IN  Lifts Skills Now Key, Sqys Minister n> JI r\ rrnxii  --All IC.l '  14(>  My  ,h«> |  ie Labor iipport Seen By New Party I Ail A  U'<  II..  "d(esearchjis an importa*  colonization process 6ecause  'nowledge." itlisconcernedwithdefinihglegitimate (Smith, 1999, p. 173) Lqgtimatefatowudgedetermines legitimateplace ^the hierarchalorganizationwfsociety.  ([here is notyit a singlepunishedautobiography ofan In woman.  Thele  is not a sinmedotjterthan myself) Indo-canadian  vice-principa (wording in my sfhooldistrict. I h tveyet to 6e int an Indo-Camadian professorkn the faculty of"Education in my  dhe only indo\canadian adults that I have ever encountered in s  in universities, w allmyyears in Canada, arq\he custodians who the (Base)nLents oht&ese s tructures.  "We areproducedityour te$ts as w> zproduce them "  (dQisteva, as quotedinLechte, 1990, p. 5  Transformative in/quty^)aims to unmasfcperform, andfl.'D'D/r  "invisiBle jhkrahhal'realities ofCana/ian ^WultiCZlL Tural" inst  andof Canadian "Mu&fcZlLTurai''society. Through autoBiograpB  narrative,prose, andpoem/Iunveifmy "Iwdo-canadian'Vmy "Ca  identities. (Performingmeaning-makingrelationaHyinconTEJCT 29-  the mindand6ody.  'Deconstructing, decolonizing,  disrupting  ^nowle^ge in colonial, modernist te%ts andin the colohjglity  Dis/luption  the a6sent of our lives.  in this manner does not imply destruction h\t rather a  creation of a newVnclusive space Y-for the emhodiedwithin the  dis(t mBodied), for the post-colonialalong the fion-modern in A'D'Dition  existing colonial,for  to the presently modern, for the other aspart  of the transparent norm. Spaces histories,power,  with the  that no longer  efface differences,  privileged.Bypresentingexclusive univirsalist  sameness. Spacesfor  notions of  valuing tBe silent, silenced, "personal/' "etBnic,"  foreignA^otBer'''voicealongwitBthetraditional, tBeoretical^itBe scBoldrly," ftBe  tpedominant,  tBe  legitimate ... ,,  TBe ricBness and) 'tultiplfcity  of personal discourses ande?(periences also  Bos the capacify t o infonrhis  welljyfefdpn  \pt only mis/re-presented lies  But also 7njdre-pr\sentedliv^  (Invitation letter to the reaaercontinuedon page 3J)  30  I have come to realize in my years as an elementary school teacher, vice-principal and graduate student that many claims regarding diversity within unity, student-centred learning and the meeting of individual students' needs, are clearly laid out in policies of MultiCULTural Education (and MultiCULTuralism in general). "Policy is very beautiful," states Ed Taylor in his presentation at a recent AERA conference (Taylor, 2002); however, little has changed in terms of equity of opportunities, representation for example in curriculum, openness to alternative epistemologies or ways of knowing, or even genuine respect for diversity as opposed to merely "tolerance." Dominant ideologies continue to sustain institutionalized practises of marginalization and oppression. Marie Battiste (2000) uses the term "cognitive imperialism" to describe some of the exclusionary practises that continue to permeate Canadian society and Canadian educational institutions: Cognitive imperialism is a form of cognitive manipulation used to disclaim other knowledge bases and values. Validated through one's knowledge base and empowered through public education, it has been the means by which whole groups of people have been denied existence and have had their wealth confiscated. Cognitive imperialism denies people their language and cultural integrity by maintaining the legitimacy of only one language, one culture, and one frame of reference, (p. 198) She calls on postcolonial educators "to transform education from its cognitive imperialistic roots to an enlightened and decolonized process that embraces and accepts diversity as normative" (p. xxix). As I read this last quote by Marie Battiste, I cannot help but wonder about the word postcolonial ~ I wonder how it works and who it works for and how it has been made to seem to be working for those in the margins. In academia I feel that we (including myself) have gone from colonialism to postcolonialism without considering the important process of the space in-between -- the decolonizing space. Why has this space/process been overlooked? Whose interest would such a process serve or not 3+  serve? What does this absence tell us about whose knowledge and what type of knowledge counts in our educational institutions and in society? What would such academic work look like? Who would it include? Exclude? What languages and traditions would be necessary for such a process? In market standards, what would be the value and productivity of decolonizing work? How would it enhance the gross national product? Many scholars speak of the need to honour marginalized voices and alternative epistemologies as their democratic mission, yet very few spaces are available or encouraged in academia for these silent and silenced voices. Lisa Delpit, warns us that "these institutions do not have our best interests at hand because if they did, there would be a space in them to nurture the spirit" (Delpit, 2002). Rating Scale: Grades 4 to 5 Social Responsibility Section 3: Valuing Diversity and Defending Human Rights. In most cases, this section of the Rating Scale can be used to evaluate student development at any time during the year.  Multiculturalism recognizes the the ethno-cultural diversity of our society. It is an acknowledgement and valuing of diverse ethnic heritages as well as an appreciation and incorporation of diverse approaches to learning and working environments. (B.C. Ministry of Education, 2001, p. 7)  Exceeds Expectations: -beginning to develop interest... in the multicultural nature of Canada. (British Columbia Ministry of Education, 2000, p. 64)  Tansformative iniquity — A personal embodied journey  Critical Questioning  consdentization and unlearning  (Freire, 1970, p. 150)  (*For an overview of transformative in/quiry please see page 182).  32  ^ysuB^lfi^^ventionafacademic te%ts andhegemonic frameworks of thadiaH "MuCtiC^d^H^m^uSons andCanadian "MuCtiCULTuraC" isVuBaCtern re/search claims a space for marginatizedvoices, ''onvetjtionat waysotJgpmjini^ aregenerativeCy disffyipted Ttfteawarenefs of th^c^imit^T^ac^ib£ ofcoConiafU moaemtfy, patriarchy... and to/iigB^Bt the needto^prbvidegenuine spacedf BeConging" xiraftf Bonetir tmdrespect thegifts of aff individuals.  urgent  tyrrtfifu  The mvlti-fanguages,  ihemmti-genres,  thAmuCH-meanings\he  mufti-  truths that arepresen edmi g inconveniet ce some "nvn-PunjaBi," "nontransmeoreticaf," "no, i-tran)sdiscipBinary'  readers... .d&esegaps, Bowever  are net essary if our go if in education ana]in tBe wor(0^is togh(e equaf voice \o aCCindividui Language becomes "one's ow n " onfy wBen }he speafe populates irwitB her own in tention, Berow i accent, wBen she appropr iates the worCd, adapting, i to her own semantic\ana\expressive intention. (Pric r to this moment of appropriation, thi worddoes not e%ist in a neutraCandvnpi rsonaf Canguage....But rather it exists in otBerpeople's intentions.... ('Bawtn, asquoteVin9{arayan, 199T.p.2) Jamaicdk writer fftdicBefte C% Ywrites, "I have no natio> i, But the imagination "(as quotedin !M qnoBo, 2000, p. 226). Des lite our inaB^itg /  i  to ever compCeteCy escape coCon iaCism and the \oConiaC(an quage, the IfyCft(j('E) ination can Be a wayofdismantfing^tBe in order to\ Begin to (re)create a worCdformerly  Begm ony of faowleMge  astnstructe dBypeopCe of<  33-  certainjjendei/class,  and race. 'Privilegedpeople wBo  BaveBeen/'and  continue to Be conveniently unaware oftheir PtyWejful'positions eitdusionbrypractices.  It is the continuing legacy of  positions and'ttlEHAyiBeirpractices marymalization  andsilence.  tBatiMRIj\tain  1^l'EO / lBey are  witBm the autBentic/inautBentic  r  f  and  TH'EIlhVUheir  aBsencV  visiBly/invisiBlybresent  decolonizing/non-modern  POuOy'text of  tBe\I9{} TE3(te^tua{6ody. <  is I write, Iam sensitivetBatmyaudience  mayBe "life" and ^inli%e"me  and may not compIt tely understand or may not even Bear or w\nt to Bear my words. Words o fBetrayalanddisloyalty j  lBey uncover, offend, Burt, discomfort.  (  Bonest, nafedSwitntyt  are dif icult words\p Bear.  Even more. \owBen tBey axe  metapBors as masfe to Bide  lies and to protect  tBe Truth "WBite, 2. Colourless — syn. clear, transparent, clean, Blan^ )$potless, pure, unalloyed, neujtraL\ " (Laird, I S p . 664). Sdlnia 9{ieto, as quotedik CBaBners (2002), states: ktituian^lulticuCtural Education "cBaUenges au educators to mafe tBe scliools afo\cefor iustice in our society" (p. 295)BycBaUengingBegemonic  faow(edge,  social By  complicating pedagogy, and6y encouraging dangfrous discow ses. My wor^opens a space, for tBese types of dangerous discoun (Invitation  letter tofl.Be reader continued oft page 48)  84  mis/written, MINImalized to simple phrases such as India was a British Colony until Independence, as l o n g as e d u c a t o r s remain " ignorant, " s i l e n t , neutral, saying e i t h e r nothing or e v e r y t h i n g and t h e r e f o r e n o t h i n g , J e r o l d and many o t h e r s w i l l l i v e imprisoned i n p a i n , anger, f e a r , and m i s t r u s t . F o r e v e r with open wounds violently unhealed. Uttering not a single word, as if knowing not who they are. I t i s h o p e f u l t o see t h a t someone was w i l l i n g t o t a k e the r i s k t o acknowledge the value of J e r o l d White's dangerous w r i t i n g and encourage him t o p u b l i s h h i s paper. H i s a n g e r i s most l i k e l y seen as d e s t r u c t i v e and dangerous i n s c h o o l i n g and perhaps i t i s , b u t I t e n d to t h i n k t h a t i t i s has t h e p o s s i b i l i t y of being channelled i n productive ways. Productive i n the sense t h a t i t w i l l (or perhaps a l r e a d y has) c r e a t e d some f o r m o f t r a n s f o r m a t i o n . O v e r t h e y e a r s , I h a v e come to b e l i e v e t h a t i t i s o n l y by breaking colonized s i l e n c e s a n d s i l e n c i n g s t h a t we w i l l be a b l e t o d i s r u p t i n g e n e r a t i v e ways -- ways t h a t w i l l begin to heal. I s u p p o s e I am s a y i n g t h a t we can b e g i n t o h e a l our c o l o n i a l wounds t h r o u g h disruption. Healing  through  d i s r u p t i o n ! ? I  have  may  some  f i n d  n o t i o n  t h i s  a  l i t t l e discomforting...  (Conversation with c o n t i n u e d on page 67).  (http://www.colorado.edu/journals/standards/in dex.html)  Indeed, Jerold's thinking/writing is hurtful, for himself and for his readers. It contains suppressed pain, unleashed anger, fear, and mistrust. It emergesfromthe space of hopelessness and desperation,fromthe open wound of unresolved colonial conflicts. Although I feel very uneasy about his feelings and words of hatred I do appreciate his ultimate honesty. In all those "culturalist" discussions so little attention has been paid to the presence of colonial wounds. I agree with you, we can go on and invent new categories and labels like multiculturalism, interculturalism, cross-culturalism, transculturalism etc., but without addressing the underlying colonial issues, for me these "cultural" discussions remain suspicious, useless and ideologically  a  f e e l i n g  Why should I not hate the white man? What else will he do to me? What have I done to him to cause him to hate me so much? It just hurts to even think about these questions, because I know I will never get an answer.  Kadi  hypocritical.  U01JU9J9P o  £ &%  6> C  Co  J0JJ9J. UO  Je)v»  o>  AT  £ £ * J& _ •  °  %  s  " p u o M  M£U UJU3 3tp_0] 3UlO0 %1 t  In "Multicultural" Canada, we do not talk about race. But in times of social, political, and economic unrest and in times of crisis and especially in times of terrorism, we talk about immigration and we talk about citizenship. Citizenship in Canada is about ambiguous borders and invisible boundaries. It is about entitlement, it is about acceptance, and it is about silence. An  Unbelonglng-belonglngness  In the darkness of my imprisonment, I am surrounded by curtainless windows. Unmasked, violated, transformed in the journey of their transportation, from back there to here. My body shivers from the coldness and the gaze. I clutch THE/IR blanket, trembling fearfully to cloak my neck, covering the Oriental body, the Latin body, the Middle-eastern body, the Western body, the scholarly body, the professional body, ' the unwilling, unbelonging body - all my imposed-bodies. I cover my face. I cover my skin. I hide. But, THEY find me. THEY find the immigrant in me. THEY find the me in the immigraxjt^ • •" EmPOWered by THEIR* stolen inheritance, THEY declare THEIP^appropriated en/title/ment. ,x * I present my- passport, my citizenship, my Canadianness. Unconyinoad, they search the indianness of my body. .^'Turning it upside down, inside out. \ Emptying it, stripping it, forcing it open. \ "Even the inside is brown," they say.  ' ;  There is foreign history here. There is foreign experience here. There is foreign resentment for colonizers here. There is foreign awareness of injustice here. There is foreign resistance here.  Dis  Failing to peel away the uncivilized CULTure under neath the/skin, THEY drag the contaminated body into the masses. .'' 40  placing it in unbelongingness, unhomingness.  in JJni/son and Uni/form they chant: "ThiSis. a Multicultural Country. This is a Multicultural Nation." '  S  I axn aware, I understand this wor(l)d. The valued lives, The "unknown" ignorance, The POWer and privilege. Predetermined perimeters,^ strictly defined, yet conveniently in/visible. "  "Multicultural" AlieNation.  V.  Different, other, lesser, subhuman, b/ordering CULTures begging entrance effortlessly erased, shipped back.  /  To India. Not Columbus's India The British India. The tea and spices and gold India. The Komagata Maru India. The uncolonized India.  / r \. -  Suddenly suspect, • . . - ' ' ' * " *••• «. Silence is our passport. Unquestioning, unconditional acceptance is our Citizenship. X _  Enwrapped in THE/IR blankets.N I place my hand on THE/1 R Bible\ and swear my allegiance to Canada^ And to the Queen. •-. • To Canadian Citizenship, And to bodily silence. \ And I belong, In an unbelonging-beidngingness.  44-  The tragic events of September 11th, 2001, with the unfortunate loss of so man  have led "Canadians" to once again overtly and justifiably fear the outsider insid  THEIR Nation. The need to protect THEIR home and close THEIR borders, chang  immigration laws, implement Identification cards is a clear indication of this ver fear. At the same time "non-Canadians" have voiced concerns over incorrect  categories and definitions of cultural and religious identities that the state has i  on them. For these marginalized groups, the fear of being deported, interned, o simply eliminated has also been very real. In order to calm their paranoia the  heightened reintroduction of "Multiculturalism" in Canada has been very necessa  New exclusionary immigration laws along with increased Multicultural Education  the paradoxical answer that gives ail "Canadians'' the assurance that everyone be safe.  Although this world is much longer in the making and the story more enduring, this is the context in which my writing finds itself, in which my writing finds me. Growing up female, growing up PUNjabi, growing up "other," growing up Indocanadian, growing up Can-indian, growing up in India, growing up in Canada, growing up in a patriarchal household with a Father who was a writer and an alooholio...  (DELETE) Growing up "non-canadian/Canadian" in Canada. Growing up "non-lndian/indian" in Canada. Growing up amidst two conflicting cultures in "MultiCULTural" Canada. Growing up "E.S.L" Growing up semilingual. Growing up visibly invisible. I grew up silent. I went to school silent. I played silently, I sang silently, I wrote silently. Hardly touching the ink to the paper, stories piled from my pen into layers under the mattress "like words under the tongue" (Norman, 2001, p. 4).  42-  In elementary school, high school and even at university during my undergraduate work, writing was encouraged for structured stories and poems, traditional essays and research, and monotonous grammar, comprehension, and spelling lessons. Beyond these activities, writing had little other than a functional purpose - notes, cards, and letters. It would not be until graduate school that the silences of my body would explode its painful voices of  racism, classism, foreignness,  violence into words on the page. It would not be until graduate school that I would learn to write for the art of writing, for  seCf expression, forpCay, for performance, for dis  ruptlon, for resistANCE.  It would not be until then that I would free my colonized voi after decades of silence and learn the POWerful, liberating, transforming and transformative nature of writing and of inq 43  ^ y "Your body must be heard./ [Women] must invent the impregnable language that will wreck partitions, classes, ^and rhetorics, regulations and codes." /  (Cixous, as quoted in Minh-ha, 1989, p. 37)/  In the depth of a sacred wilderness, a child, awaits. WitJrimpenetrable, impure green eyes like the ancient forest pond. A silent intense stare in/quires knowingly. The frail, sinful/less body shaking in innocent violence. Reaching out, tiny arms extended, begging to cross the thres/holds of life.  / / /  y ..,'  Writing through the brownness of my body, my wor(l)ds procreate in resistance. Refusing to be silenced, /' raped, aborted, cleaned. By Their or THEIR rules and Regulations, which openly declare the right to create or to not create. (But to create in the margins, is this really to create?) Is it really a choice when condemned as being dirty, and smelling of decay? To live with death inside of our bodies, or hide in shame and alie/Nation from the outside? The "other" inside the self and the "other" outside the self. It is this question of the "otherness" of the self that o/oroamo to be add/ressed by b/ordering women. —'~—^  remembering/Un/earthing a "buried vast" "... To feel again, to let the emotions surface in order to acknowledge them and allow them to connect [with others who have also been marginalized]."  (Nguyen, 2000, p. 187)  My exploration of identity in spaces of difference comes from many years of silently trying to understand my place of belonging in Canada as an Indo-canadian/CanIndian woman. I became well aware that I failed the expectations of the category of the "Ideal" Indian woman. But what was more difficult to come to terms with was when I came to realize that I did not fit into the National Identity of this Country either. During my high school years, I experienced the most overt, hurtful, violent forms of racism where "you weren't bright unless you were white...." Ridiculed by the students and even at times by the teachers, and excluded from the Eurocentric curriculum, MultiCULTuralism and MultiCULTural Education did little more than exoticize me as the "other." Emerging discourses of feminism, postcolonialism, decolonization, literary studies, cultural studies, and postmodernism, post-positivist realism, post-structuralism, and psychoanalysis have broadened our understanding of how schools work as sites of containment and possibility. "No longer content to view schools as objective institutions engaged in the transmission of an unproblematic cultural heritage, the new discourses illuminate how schools function as cultural sites actively engaged in the production of not only knowledge but social identities" (Giroux, as quoted in Ng, Staton, & Scane, pp. viii-ix). However, despite the valuable work of these scholars, little has changed in educational institutions since my high school years. Dr. Graeme Chalmers (2002) states that "we are the most 'multicultural' nation in the world... Most of us live transculturally, and children of 'mixed race' will become more and more common. [0]ur students live in overlapping constantly changing and fluid cultures..."(p. 2). However, as he highlights: We have yet to put the "multi" in multiculturalism, the "trans" in transculturalism. Unfortunately what many well-meaning teachers do in the name of "multiculturalism"... would, if they knew about it, be dismissed as agents of expressions of patronizing ignorance by members of the changing fluid cultures supposedly represented. Many schools have yet to  -45-  truly be challenged by and respond to the changing cultural realities of North America and the world. (Chalmers, 2002, p. 301) Diversity in British Columbia Schools: A Framework discusses expectations for students in elementary years to establish their individual identity/cultural identity and their individual potential (British Columbia Ministry of Education, 2001). Usher and Edwards (1994) further highlight the conflicting expectations placed on all students to be self-directing, authentic subjects in a MultiCULTural society of diverse historical and social locations and unequal power relations: The very rationale of the educational process and the role of the educator is founded on the humanist idea of a certain kind of subject who has the inherent potential to become self-motivated and self-directing, a rational subject capable of exercising individual agency. The task of education has therefore been understood as one of "bringing out," of helping to realise this potential, so that subjects become fully autonomous and capable of exercising their individual and intentional agency. (Usher & Edwards, 1994, pp. 24-25) This modernist view of identity in our institutions is not only essentialist but it also conveniently ignores any systemic and institutional obstacles of power and privilege that may disadvantage those in the margins from "realizing their potential." In Multicultural Education one continues to be asked to investigate, "Who are you?" and, "Where are you from?" (Subtoxt. You do not bolong)  Immediately one is set apart from the norm and placed at the margins. One is either "Canadian" or one is not. "But where are you really from?" There is always a right answer because, as Mahalingam and McCarthy (2000) highlight, it is assumed that "...cultural identity is rooted in the soil of one's birthplace" (p. 2).  46-  Furthermore, Multicultural Education "is designated to represent the marginalized identities, without the burden of the historical past....Primarily, multiculturalism is used as a pedagogical device to essentialize cultures" (Mahalingam & McCarthy, 2000, pp. 3-4). It is shaped by a 'Musee imaginaire' approach to raising awareness of racism. This view neutralises difference and accommodates only so much difference as can be assimilated, therefore made transparent. This Cultural Diversity view serves to contain culture, viewing 'it' as contents observed and known at a distance, and therefore as objects. A transparent norm is constituted, a norm given by the dominant CULTture, which says that "these other cultures are fine, but we must be able to locate them within our own grid" (bhabha, 1990, p. 208). This universalist framework in which cultures are placed serves to mask ethnocentric norms, values and interest leaving unquestioned the structures and histories of the dominant system. The changing nature of what we understand as the 'national population' is ever more visibly constructed from a range of different sorts of interests, different kinds of cultural histories, different post-colonial lineages, different sexual orientations. The whole nature of the public sphere is changing so that we really do need the notion of a politics which is based on unequal, uneven, multiple and potentially antagonistic, political identities. (bhabha, 1990, p. 208) "The possibilities for constructing a radically different Canada emerge only from those who have been 'othered' as the insider-outsiders of the nation." (Bannerji, 2000, p. 81) In this quote, Bannerji not only seems to be suggesting that only those in the margins are capable of disrupting the power imbalance; I believe that she is also highlighting the unwillingness or perhaps inability of those in positions of POWer to recognize the need and therefore the respons-ability to help transform THEIR culturally diverse and culturally indifferent MultiCULTural society.  47-  "J(nowle0e,'particularlyacademic ^nowleayB^hasto6epure, not mi^ed.findwhen 'knowledge''ismixed'(transdiscipBnary), longer considered 'knowledge*Butculture.  it is no  ^  CBernaSe et al, as quoted in Mignolo)^000, p.  j  321)  I Performing Between fact, fiction, e?(perience, memory,  visualbnagery.,  thvs Y<Msdisciplinary jje/searcf\Breathes amidst areas of writtyy, art..., curriculum studies..., cultural studies...,  criticaltBeory...,  studies..., asian studies...] activism...andloses fhninism..,  post-colonialism...,  itself amongst voices of  post-mmernism..., poststructur Itsm.  pvst-positivistrealismjL^econstn^andreconstructed iplinary  Transgres\ng B/orders of disciplined  identitiesanl  Boundaries.  [Disciplines are] in)sulatej£from each otBer tBrougB tBe maintenance of wBahmre faown as disciplinary Boundai .....Insulation enaBBes disciplines to devsBop independently. \heir Bistories are ^ept separate and 'pure.' Concepts of ^^a^demicfreedom*' the *s\arcBfor truth, \nd 'democracy' in the notio\of independence andaw&igorously defended By intellectuals. Insularityprotects^ discipline from tne\outside, enaBfingcommunities of scholars to distance themselvesfron\ptBe\sand, in themx)r\e?r\treme forms, to afis^lve themselves OAtresponsiBifityfomvhat occurs in other Branches oftheirdiscipline, in the acadetyy, and in the world. (Smith, 1999, p. c v  \  J  /  J_  ltfyi\/searchisa post-inUrdisictpfffiary, non-disciplinaryprocejss ( layers\fcurriculumre-understandingsandculturalinner-standings. mafesn\claimstooBjectivemethodsof acquiringreliaBle value-free\6servationsof  It  Ifnowledge, or  fwman real/i/ties and TrutB. /FurtBermore, tBe  researcBer Bgttnany rolesf reldtionsBips, and position/andis implicawlin htifuights  thisfnv&fneutralinsider/outsider  research  SmitB(1999)  a numBeii'of"terms tBat tBe researm community uses to  disregardande^cfude  researcB tBat doesmotfit  into  paradigms approved6y  the researchAqmain  institutionalpractices:  "2(esearpn can bhjudgedas  roh^f/'nbt  predetermined  dominatedSysa  real/ 'not tBeor&ed,' (not valiZk'not  p. 140).i'(Resisting conformity andacceptance  memBers, andconstant  Bistory  of  'not rigorous,' 'not reliaBle'"(Srh{tB,  whilefacing  eicelufionary languagerequires great courage, supportive  1999,  sucB institution\  negotiation across Borders. Negotiating ant  ransforming institutional'practices 'significant  (in)directly  andresearcB frameworks is as  as tfie carrying out of actualresearcBprogrammes"  (SmitB,  1999, p. 14L  \ dorderzifiting  is not research in the traditionalsense  tBrougflaBody  of already written  ofseattying  again  "expert," "framed," "accepts  fetowtedge in order to (re)write and(re)own  that knowledge.  iftere are  c  many important ("fetown " and "unknown ") voices who spea^ wc^/t me.  49-  Ihroughmfmory,  (  CiBeratingform  herstory, theory, fact and fiction,  d^wwerfuland  of suppressedfetowCedge co-emerges. It vs^a mufti-Cayered  andmuiti-discipCinary  way of discovering andCiving in  the wirCd. Opening up a placefor  thkwordandin  the co-creation ofre/sea\ch  Beyond predetermined6/orders  andpre-determined6odies.  "Ihe concept ofdiscipdne...is  not simpfy a way oforganizing  of knowledge, But aCso a way of organizingpeople  thatgoes  systems  ori L  1999, p. 68)  I  'Border tnmfeng couCdopen up theldoors to an othe\tongue, an other tmnfong, an other Cogic superseding the Cong history of the modem/cofoniaCworhf, the caConiafity ofthe power, the suBafternizai^on offaq/w/edges and the coComaC difference. (ignoCo, 2000, p.^  Borderfess,jflaceCess,llkmieCess,  t  wfiertfdentities  idefitityfes.  trj/nsform^^aftsform, re^ i  I  fInvitationfetteriotBfreadercotuitiuedon page 58)  languages, voices,  uforlDds, identities  Situational l y  fatM*frO*6Mf them/selves  [In camoyiag©).  in  w r i t (i n) g.  Healing Love is watching us through the branches of the tree. Love watches the spaces between people, while they are absent from each other.... In all our hands are many wounds, and in the wounds love toils and strives with us. And I am striving now, within my body, that I may be free. I am burrowing into the coils within, challenging the old rage, the fears and the old griefs, the old old sadness, the envy, the loneliness and other still militant demons that ravage my flesh.... (Nguyen, 2000, p. 188)  5+  ntertoP^  e  Suddenly, I am taken back to the Cool yellow mango season of another culture, another home, as If the roots I left behind cried out to me. 52  Debates of identity formation and politics have continued within Literary and Cultural Studies over the past two decades. Much of what has been written contrasts essentialist views of identity with anti-essentialist views. Essentialist conceptions of identity determine one's individual experience based on one intrinsic aspect of identity (e.g., gender, race, etc.). This limited view assumes a commonality of the origin and structure of experience and the stability and homogeneity of identity categories, and in so doing overlooks individuals' unique and often disturbing historical and social contexts. Hall (1990) describes the struggle against existing constructions of a particular identity as taking the form of contesting negative images with positive ones, and of trying to discover the "authentic" and "original" content of a fully constituted, separate and distinct identity. In contrast, anti-essentialists reject a universalist view of identity and argue that identity is always relational and incomplete, in flux, in process. Hall (1990) emphasizes that any identity depends upon its difference from and its negation of, some other term. In this manner, identity is always unstable and temporary, partial, contradictory, and relational. The multiple intersections of race, gender, culture, histories, experiences... complicate the coherence and completeness of non-modern notions of identity. The fragmentation and incompleteness of identity are further explained by terms such as hybridity and metissage (Chambers, Donald, & Hasebe-ludt, 2002; Lionnet, 2001). Other concepts, such as 'borderlands' and 'third space,' refer to a liminal existence between two competing identities. In these variants, the subaltern is neither one nor the other, but rather is identified/unidentified somewhere in another place in the beyond - au dela (bhabha, 1994). Walter D. Mignolo (2000) has recently introduced the term border gnosis or border thinking as a type of double conciousness. He describes border gnoseology as a critical reflection on knowledge production from both the interior borders of the modern/colonial world system (imperial conflicts, hegemonic languages, directionality of translations, etc.) and its exterior borders (imperial conflicts with cultures being colonized, as well as the subsequent stages of independence or decolonization), (p. 11)  §4-  Closely related to these concepts is the term diaspora. James Clifford (1994) describes diaspora as "a signifier not simply of transnational^ and movement, but of political struggles to define the local...as a distinctive community, in historical contexts of displacement" (p. 308). Identity in my re/search is performed in all its complexity. It is a performance of multiple, fractured aspects of the selves - the hybrid selves, the border-crossing selves, the diasporic selves, all my selves. Relationally requiring the "other" for its existence/nonexistence, co-existence. It is made of successive identifications and reidentifications. And it finds itself through memories and recollections as part of a genealogical process.  What is most true is poetic because it is not stopped-stoppable. All that is stopped, grasped, all that is subjugated, easily transmitted, easily picked up, all that comes under the word concept, which is to say all that is taken, caged, is less true.... There is a continuity in the living; whereas theory entails a discontinuity, a cut, which is altogether the opposite of life. I am not anathematizing all theory. It is indispensable, at times, to make progress, but alone it is false....All that advances is aerial, detached, uncatchable. (Cixous & Calte-Gruber, 1997, p. 4)  What had to be impersonated was secretly justified as a necessity. Filling the void, the lack, the invisibility, the absence. A hypocritical interruption as a means to continue inside/outside the don\inant/non-dominant cultures. Thereby opening a space of unhoming/homingness. '*'-. The imaginary identity of "mixed race" ex/posed itself to our high school wor(l)d^ In those eternal times, the erasure or'addition of a culture was a very small price'to defer  for acceptance. So when my elder sister impersonated herself as half-British and half-East Indian, although shocked, I had no choice but to join her in her role. After all we had the same (now recreated British) Father and when we became celebrated for our exoticism, it was notlso hard to continue the lie, the half-a-lie, the haf-bred lie, the hybrid-lie. The unending metissage once half-owned had to be played Out until its escape through displacement or time. Movement into HIGHer Education was to be the postcolonial deconstruction, rereconstruction. The decolonizing place. However, floating b/orders became once again the only way to keep any sort of membership amongst the elite. In addition to the identity of the body, the'entire identity of the family and the home demanded destruction and re-reconstructjon. So the mother changed from a seamstress to a fashion designer with her own company and the father from a welder to: a writer. They would have been pleased with our choices for them. Whenever they dreamed, after s  their arrival (and especially before) In Canada, these were the gifts they prayed for with great hope. Graciously offering;them to their new diasporic alieNATION. But to transmit the status of tongues, to transmit wor(l)ds did not travel well into a more civilized CULTure and dreams requfred undreaming or dreaming viscerally through the bloodline between borders.  \  All border encounters be/come contaminated, impure even ji they must remain  seemingly pure. Impersonation of 4his sort bet(we)en b/orders is multidirectional and multi-relational. Multiple signified for multiply-signified. Differently deferred relations of diversity. Nightclubs become signified as library clubs, wine as a punchfa mixed juice) and boyfriends simplified to friends. These differently deferred ambiguous truths are debatable as nontr'uths only within the context of a single identity. In terms of identity as a process subject to redefinitions and retransfoVmations, such critiques are not so easily translatable. The space between the translatable/untranslatable^carK become very complex as for example when considering my Engiish teachers' use of  the word Pun in their classes. PUN: A play on words, a comedy of uncertain origin...  y;./  sis-  Pun n. play on words. 1662, in Dryden's the Wild Gallant, a Comedy, of uncertain origin. Pun was probably a clipped word, such as mob, which came into fashionable slang in the late 1600's. Longer equivalents, found before 1679, were punnet and pundigrion. While punnet may have been a diminutive of pun, the form pundigrion suggests that pun may have been originally shortened from Italian puntiglio equivocation, trivial objection, small or fine point: see PUNCTILIO. Nothing, however, has been found in the early history of pun, or in the Engiish uses of punctilio, to confirm the origin of pun. ~v. to make puns. 1670, from the noun. — punster n. 1700, in Congreve's The Way of the World; formed from English pun, n. + -ster. (Barnhart, 1988, pp. 862-863) PUN PAKI A  ,  HINDU CHINK / YOU STINK YOU'RE NOT WHITE UNLESS YOU'RE BRIGHT GO HOME!!  Even in plays there are possibiiitiies of truths, facts of fictions, the imagined as 'the'real in the liminal space of im-personation. In the liminal space of difference between the self and the other.  /  "[W]hen we write in these circumstances, it's because we are another person, we are the [self/]other. Perhaps l[/i] am going to die: but the [self/]other remains. In this situation, it is the [self/]other who writes" (Cixous & Calle-Gruber, 1997, p. 27). J  SrT-  Performinj/in the wor(l)d6etween the self and otBeryBet(we)en  writ(in)cfndBe/ing.... "an eternalsuBject-in-process of a Twct-in-pr fGorman,  1998, p. 30). It is tBe seCf/otBer, the other selves. It is the  foreign/nonforeign, it is the immigrant/nonimmigrant, theAalien/ It isme fetozvn/unfetown. It is the aBsence. It is the presence. Iheselfr stranger unframingthefamed. turalin/searcB  is the opening up ofdialogues  Between the "self"  and "o\Ber" in spaces Between metapBor andmetonymy, andsliding  kuentfy  Bet(zve)en tBe B/tnderJof genres and(suB)cuttures.  slipping Inscribing  difference^ Zlnzvriting the zi/ritten, writifig the unzvritten — deferreddispBscinqs ofthe  in thp  MonoCULTuraltiAosaic  multiculti  'Braiding,  tBejttftissaL  tBrougBfact/ficti Beth  % f^IStory/memory,  •mails, jour^^lmtriks,  visualirjiagery,  interte?(ts, coolaBomtwtsteMs... — afragmentedmc Migrating  A  ntage rooeedinme  in multip^genresJ  modes of (mis)(inMpremapn.  'siv^te^ts," "surfeits,"  doloredSetrayalofcolonh  multiples truths, multiples logics, multiple llnsmBlegenres  constantly  (interrogation. InscTiBingd0e^ence tBrougB difference...  open to  §8-  'Emanatedin ihe in/visiBte BierarcBica^realities of \canadianne  in/quiryarticiuatesdecolonizing resistance. Ihe layers ofthe im T  academic textual6odyperform the multiplefragmetitedinterte^  ofthe improperlndo-canadianiCan-indian Body creatingem(Bod  imag(e)inings ofipistemalogy and pedagogy. Inis tense, restle  is an inter-Htyption ofp^edetermined6/orde/s and predetermin of predetermined purity,  thsa worldofe^-chan^ing multiplicity.  Mwost-modem Soda (injquiringinto a post-modern Body. Writi  rejectedBodytivhile risking the rejection ofthe B&dy in tBe pris  puBlications (fprmulic institutionalizedcapitals and the purity of diversity.  TremBlinJi in danger ofvi^jent acts of^iomogen\ity, universali authentii'ity, clarity, transparency... Violent acts ofapolitkalJatflStorical, aCZLljTural... pluralism Violent acis ofce^nsorship, erasure, exptusion, deportation...  (Invitation letter to •oder the continuedori page 82) S9-  Identifying itself through *mi dcntification. Without att&me-without a passport without a home.  How can bordering existences be expected to choose  one pristine p r e d e t e r m i n e d  identity  o r  g e n r e  to speak of a world of multiple,  To live concealing  explosive  colonization  while yearning ©^©©tLDin  60-  "Gathering the fragments of a divided, repressed body and reaching out to the does not necessarily imply a lack or a deficiency." (Minh-ha,1989,p.37) But rather, it is a "whole composed of parts that are wholes." (Cixous, as quoted in Minh-ha, 1998, p. 39) It is a gathering of fragments which are wholes in order to decentralize, dis place and to re/present the absences in the spaces between absences and presences. As in the spaces between sounds — the sounds of tetters.  ^'~ti''rrl , y"  lira,  3  H  F'n ara,  eri,  H  sasa, haha  Jl U( 5  %uk&, f&ufQ., gaga, ghuga, ungan in between the tenth  and eleventh letter of the Punjabi alpha My schooling would be interRuptedy My language would be intefRupted, My i/dentities would be jhterRupted /'" ill/iterate,ill/languaged,ill/cultured  A-B-C-D-E-F-G H -I -J -K -L -M -N . - '" Q -R -S -T -U -V -W-X -Y and -Z ThQ eleventh letter never spoken, forgotten, uncarved on a slate in/dia. Just as my ancestors lay shamefully abandoned, forever unwritten, many still fighting in their deaths, the Raj we choose to live and to embRace.  64-  fading fame My parents breathe in the last of India. The house is emptied of all life and belongings. All that is left is what hangs from the ceilings - the Komagata Maru men, women and children their blood dripping on the bare white walls. From the kotas can be heard cries and laments. Relentless pain. Stories long forgotten or unheard in other lands will echo eternally in this village, even when it is abandoned. Stories abandoned for other stories. For rags-to-riches-stories. Snow-White-Cinderella-stories. My parents try to erase the painful past from their memory as they prepare to betray their country, their home, their History, their ancestors. Instead, they try to redeem themselves. They speak of the family they helped during the Partition. In sorrow, they wonder if the Muslim family who buried their jewels in our  bara will ever come back to find them. Did they even survive? Did they make it over the b/order? Forced out of a country we are leaving by choice. My parents pray that if they return, they will find their riches by the Saron tree where they left them. Suitcases in hand they dose the door slowly and sadly with a silent prayer. We walk down the long stairway in the darkness of the late evening. As we arrive at the bottom step we see for the last time the family who sleeps there under our awning. The husband, his wife and child, who beg throughout the streets of the village by day, always return here by night. This is their home - their imposed home. The home we are leaving is the home they return to. The one they are compelled to be committed to. We walk over them, as we have become accustomed to doing. But this time is different than all the other times that we have walked over their bodies. This time as we walk over their bodies, we are walking over all the bodies of our ancestors.  62  Their ashes are here in this earth. Nurturing us with a constant reminder of their resistance and their despair. The rice of this land still grows with traces of a colonizer skin. This time as we walk over their bodies we are pained by a sense of selfish forgetfulness and shameful regret. As we walk away we know they are watching, but if we do not look back, perhaps they may never see the treason written on our betraying bodies. From the golden domes of Delhi, our plane flies into the silvery sky and  v. '  \  /dm \ V i  home "\  mff HfimC* 63\  The endless search for home comes from living on the borders of a constantly emerging space where there is never and always a sense of being/unbeing in an unhoming/home. Eternally knowing/unknowing that there is no other HOME -- to which to return. Strangers floating in a strange land, a strange home. A mutually needed/unneeded, imposed necessity. A (un)necessary WEL COME. Always in escape of the past, salvaging ourselves from the present. Violent Colonial dwellings in/dwelling in the Colonial dwelling. Can one ever be at home in a colonizer's noncolony In a colonizer's another colony? A First Nations elder and healer once told me that I appeared in his dream and invited him to my home. When he arrived there, the house had been relocated and replaced, - misplaced and now in shambles. He arrived at the door. It was open. He entered. There was no-one inside. It was empty. Completely empty - the kind of emptyness that one would expect with coldness. But inside this house there was an unusual warmth. It was a very welcoming home/nonhome. He sat on the floor in the middle of what appeared to have the possibility of being a living room although it was difficult to be certain. There was great ambiguity inside and outside this house. He waited for several hours. He knew that I would arrive. Finally I arrived. But at the moment of my arrival, my body was immediately transformed into the body of  64  my m(other). He greeted my mother as if they had always known each other and told her that he understood and then he left. That was the end of his dream as I and he recall it. Of course I was very curious about the strange happenings of the dream. When I asked him to explain, he told me that a certain amount of time had to pass and that the interpretation had to happen in person. Many days later he offered to share the interpretation of this dream with me. He told me that the nature and ambiguity of the house was a re-presentation of my "mixed identities and mixed belongings." He said: "You don't really belong anywhere." I asked him why he waited so long for my arrival and the significance of my bodily transformation. His response was simply, "You have important work to do. Your work must be for your elders, for ail elders. You must not ever forget their/our struggles or their/our colonial wounds. Your work must be for all your relations and for all our children." I was overwhelmed with emotion and a great sense of respons-ability for our shared past in our shared present.  Without the possibility of ever returning home/nonhome and without t the colonizer's non-colony ever being home/nonhome our diasporic-ho about being and becoming....  It is not about comfort, stability, security, or ownership, but rather ab relationality, and respons-ability.  65  We are subjects in process. There is no fixed-center subject. No monolithic, uniform, sovereign, autonomous subject position which is inherent...Instead, we are floating subjects, plural subjects, moving subjects constantly influenced by and influencing processes of formation, information, reformation, conformation, deformation and transformation. (Hasebe-Ludt, Duff, & Leggo, 1995, p. 71)  (I'm to  sure  your daughter could  this).  Racist  continuously  relate  remarks  d e m a n d i n g we g o home  e v e n when t h i s  country  i s our  home.  Lack o f r e p r e s e n t a t i o n  i nthe  media  unless  marginalized  i t involves  cultures  the  acting inappropriately,  violently,  causing  creating unrest,  problems o r  becoming  dangerous....  ...Our b o d i e s  of colour  body, J o s e ' s Iana's  "Colombian"  "mixed  is And  not  body, a n d  race  Colombian/Estonian" subjected  (my " I n d i a n "  body) are  toracialization  subjected  o f course  differently  that  t o i n the  youare  than the  "privileged" English  an accent  (visibly  of and  colour's your  and  many o t h e r  reluctance  whiteness  cognitive recent  years  long periods of colonialism, he  history. He is convinced that since I and my friends LOOK white we  and racism presently on a daily basis. Period. End of conversation.  to trust forms.  With  on w h i t e n e s s Studies, there  dominant w h i t e  in  He told me: "Remember that your daughter keeps telling you. You don't  t o be v i c t i m s o f  to b e l i e v e that the  After  i t is difficult  colonialism.  focus  Finno-Ugrianpeople have endured  v i o l e n c e and  Multiculturalism  of  inability  even i n i t s " l e s s e r "  We c o n t i n u e  Although Jose knows that the  are not experiencing discrimination  "non/less-  to escape c o l o n i a l i s m .  exploitation  people  t o accept you  comes f r o m o u r  oppression,  I did not even try to remind Jose about all these things because I had done it already so many times and on so many occasions.  considers this being a part of past  friends'  whiteness"  of  as y o u  t o it)....  Perhaps Jose's  I did not even try to explain to him that I could not be seen — I don't want to be seen! — as "white " and "European," that "white and "European," including "Caucasian" and "IndoEuropean " are cultural constructs that try to force me to become part of the hegemonic geographical, historical, and cultural maps I am not part of. Why should I have to carry the burdening labels that I don't feel connected to?!  very  impure a n d a u d i b l y u n c l e a n refer  yours  same way.  read  w h i t e p e r s o n who s p e a k s f l u e n t l y without  always  culturally and linguistically are not exactly "European."  the  know AND WILL NEVER KNOW  Critical  i t is  hard  i s any i n t e r e s t society to  what it means to be perceived and to live as "non-white" here in Canada!"  As I enter class one day, Dr. Jean Barman hands me a copy of an application for registration from the Land Registry Act. Someone she knows is in the process of buying a home on West 45th Avenue, Vancouver, B.C. As I hold out my hand to receive it, she warns me that I will be most disturbed by the History in this document. This document came my way while I had been searching (unsuccessfully) the City of Vancouver Archives for some sort of answer as to why Main Street, Vancouver was located in the East of Vancouver. Although the following document is not "proper proof," it clearly provides some evidence of land ownership restrictions placed on certain racialized groups until the1940s. These restrictions may no longer be legal, however, they continue to exist on paper and may only be removed through a formal application....! cannot help but wonder why both China Town and Main Street (and Hasting Street) are located in the East side of the city of Vancouver. Did these communities just know where they belonged in relation to the WEST or were there historical events, policies, and practices that placed them there?  ....[T]hey the said Grantor and Grantee shall respect the herein before recited agreement that no Asiatic, Negro or Indian shall have the right or be allowed to own, become tenant of or occupy any of the said Lots 1 to 18 inclusive of Block 12, Subdivision of District Lot 321, Group 1, New Westminster District, Plan 6931, and that no dwelling of a value of less than $3000.00 shall be erected on any of the said Lots 1 to 18, and further that they will not suffer or permit any Asiatic, Negro or Indian to own, become tenant of or occupy any of the said lots.... ....Plan 6931, shall have therightto enter upon and take possession of any of such lands and premises which have passed to or into the possession of any Asiatic, Negro or Indian contrary to the 70-  -2of Block Twelve (12)'Subdivision of D i s t r i c t Lot 321,Croup 1 , New Westminster D i s t r i c t , a c c o r d i n g to map or plan deposited in the Land Registry O f f i c e at-Vancouver,B.C..and numbered 6931." TOGETHER with "all*buildings,fixtures,commons, ways,profits.privileges.rights,easements  and appurtenances to  the s a i d hereditaments belonging,or ttith the same or any part thereof.held or enjoyed.or appurtenant thereto;and the estate, rights,title,interest,property,claim Grantor,in,to,or  and demand of him,the s a i d  upon the s a i d premises. T O HAVE AND TO HOLD unto the s a i d Grantee,  h i s heirs and assigns,to and f o r h i s and t h e i r sole and only use forever;Subject  nevertheless to the  reservations,limitations,  provisos and conditions expressed i n the o r i g i n a l grant  thereof  frcm the Crown,and subject to a l l taxes,rateB and l o c a l improvement assessments whether already or hereafter assessed* THE s a i d Grantor Covenants with the s a i d Grantee that he has the r i g h t to convey the said lands to the said Grantee.notwithstanding any act of the s a i d Grantor and that the s a i d Grantee s h a l l have quiet possession of the said lands,free from a l l encumbrances,3ave as a f o r e s a i d . AND the s a i d Grantor Covenants with the aaid Graatae that he w i l l exeeuto ouch further assurances of tho s a i d laada as may be r e q u i s i t e . AMD the s a i d Grantor Covenants with the said Grantee that he has done no acts to encumber the s a i d lands* AND the aiiid Grantor Releases to tho said Grantee ALL HIS claims upon the said land3. THE GRANTEE with the intent to bind himself and a l l persons i n whom the s a i d Lot 12 s h a l l f o r the time being be vested,but so as not to be personally l i a b l e under t h i s covenant a f t e r having parted n i t h the said lot,hereby covenants with the Grantor h i s h e i r s and assigns,and with the owners f o r the time being of Lots 1 to 11 i n c l u s i v e and Lots 13 to 18 i n c l u s i v e . B l o c k 12,Subdivision of  District  Lot 321, Group l.New Westminster D i s t r i c t .according to map or -plan deposited i n the Land Registry Office at Vancouver.B.C.,  -3-  and numbered 6931,or any of them,und the Grantor as owner of lots 1 to 11 inclusive and Lots 13 to 13 inclusive,Blook 12,Subdivision of District Lot 321,Group l.New .Westminster District,Plan 6931, with the intent to bind himself  artf  a l l persons in whom the said  *^  Lotsso owned or any part thereof shall for the time being be •*  vested,but so as not to be personally liable under this covenant after having parted with the said lots,hereby covenants with the ^Grantee and hi a hoira and assigns that they the said Grantor and Grantee shall respect the hereinbefore recited agreement that no Asiatic,Negro or Indian shall hare the right or be allowed to own. beoops tenant of or ooonpy any of the said Lots 1 to 18 inclusive of Blook 12,Subdivision of Distriot lot 321Group l.gsw Westminster t  District.Plan 6931,and that no dwelling of a value of less than  .  $5,000*00 shall be sraottd on any of tho said Lots 1 to 18.and further that thsy will not suffer or permit any Asiatlo,Negro or —  —  •  —  «—  ' Indian to oun become tenant of or oacnyy »ny of the said lots and the said Grantor and Grantee further agree that should default occasion at any time hereafter in addition to any other rights which they may huve by law,the said Grantor or Grantee and their respective successors and assigns or any owner for the time being of any of said Lots 1 to 18,Block 12,Subdivision of Distriot Lot 321,Group l,Nen Westminster District,Plan 6931.shall have the risht to enter upon and take possession of any of auoh lands and premises which have passed to or into tho possession of any Asiatic.Negro or Indian oontrary to the provisions of this covenant and to retain possession of such land until such land has been acquired by some person who is not an Asiatio,Negro or Indian,and who shall go into possession of same and ln the event that such land has passed to or into the possession of an Asiatic,Negro or Indian who refuses to deliver up possession of same to any person who demands the same under this covenant, application may be made to a court of competent jurisdiction for an order for possession and i t shell be competent for such court to make an order directing tho dolivery of possession as hereinbefore directed. AND the parties horeto agree that the covenants  provisions of this covenant and to retain possession of such land until such land has been acquired by some person who is not an Asiatic, Negro or Indian, and who shall go into possession of same and in the event that such land has passed to or into the possession of an Asiatic, Negro or Indian who refuses to deliver up possession of same to any person who demands the same under this convent, application may be made to a court of competent jurisdiction for an order for possession and it shall be competent for such court to make.an order directing the delivery of possession as herein-before directed. (Land Registry Act. Application for Registration of Fee-simple, 1941, p. 3) At times, the location and relocation of our homes has been determined for us, making home an even more insecure and intangible place.  Each time I stumble upon History in this manner, I come to a greater the struggles and pain of my elders and ancestors, of so many of our e ancestors.  Although I try to escape It, History stubbornly stumbles Into me... Violently haunting me... haunting us...  7+  October 2, 2002 (E-mail message to Student-educators in the university course that I was teaching): Hello Everyone, I apologize once again for a very rushed class on yet another very important issue in the area of social justice. I felt that the discussion that our group presentation generated was very important and did not want to cut it short. Our guest speaker was very understanding and flexible, but it is unfortunate that so much of what we had hoped to cover in her presentation was not possible. Please find below a few points from the guest speaker's presentation that I feel are important to highlight. A complete overview of her overheads are attached above along with a list of useful resources in the area of disability education. Some Key Points on Disability Education: (Please note these are only some of the keys points not covered in class due to time constraints). The importance of presenting information in at least two different formats: You may have noticed that our guest speaker read everything on the overhead. I wonder how many of you felt that it was slow and unnecessary for you. Were you aware that this was intentional in order to be inclusive? We had hoped to discuss the need as educators to be as inclusive as possible by trying always to present information in (at least) two different formats to accommodate students' diverse learning needs. Terms: Disabled vs. Person with a disability: Our group presenters highlighted these terms, but we didn't get a chance to discuss them in any detail. Please note that when a person is called "disabled" it implies that the disability is the "problem" of the individual rather than a social construction. However, when we use the term a "person/student with a disability" we recognize that  TS  the "problem" is a problem (and therefore the responsibility) of the institutions and systems of our society. Examples of expressions that are no longer politically correct.  These  construct what is 'normal' and what is not 'normal': -Stand on your own two feet -Someone who doesn't have a leg to stand on -Using terms such as blind and deaf to state someone is ignorant -Insults such as moron and idiot come from eugenics Organizations that can be of assistance: I found the following organizations helpful when trying to convince a school's Parent Council and the School Board Administrators that an inclusive playground (new playgrounds in most districts continue to be built in a manner that excludes students with disabilities) was not only worth the extra $10,000, but also our responsibility to our students and community. These organizations focus on advocacy work and also respond to anonymous phone calls if you ever find yourself in conflict with a majority view and find it difficult to speak up. -B.C. Coalition of People with Disabilities -B.C. Paraplegic Association -B.C. Association for Community Living Videos that would be worth viewing include: -The Sterilization of Leilani Muir -A World Without Bodies *Please note that both these videos are very disturbing accounts of the Eugenic Sterilization Laws of the 1920's. Sterilizations were authorized by Eugenic Sterilization Boards, who were appointed to adjudicate the necessity of sterilization on a case-by-case basis of those brought before the Board. Individuals were routed to the Boards through institutions, schools, courts, and prisons. Perceived disability was  76-  associated with criminality and therefore required a pronouncement of judgment and the provision of a suitable remedy to act in "society's best interests" to be protected from the "unfit." This is yet another unspoken and very haunting history (that you may or may not be aware of) of Canada. These sterilization laws for people with disabilities were in place well into the 1970's. What was defined as disability and the process for categorization is also very shocking - many of us would not be here today. If you use the above videos in your classes or as a part of units that you may create for our class project, I would highly recommend at least a 30-40 minutes debriefing session. Upcoming Workshop: Trek 2000 Inter-Community Dialogues presents: Stephanie McClellan and Ruth Warwick discussing Putting Ability before Disability. An Awareness Workshop on Wednesday October, 16 in Scarfe Room 310 from 2:00-4:00 pm. I hope you find the information above helpful. If yog require further support/resources for your unit plan or for yourself please do not hesitate to contact me. Sincerely, Hartej After sending the above message to my class of student-educators, the word Eugenics continued to reappear before me. In newspapers, in hallways,  in stores, in e-mails,  in classes,  in conversations...  Perhaps it was a mere coincidence, but I do not believe that these occurrences are ever simply chance happenings...  77-  Angus McLaren's book, Our Master Race - Eugenics in Canada, 1885-1945, mysteriously appeared in my path. A book that has been in print for almost 13 years, but as I learned, had never been mentioned in any of the courses of the studentteachers in my class. Many of them had never even heard of the term Eugenics After reading the book, I shared the following quotes with my class of student teachers:  Most Canadians happily imagine that their country was spared the virulent racism and class consciousness of its neighbours. But cursory investigation reveals that Canada was not immune to eugenic preoccupations, which in the first half of the twentieth century coloured the discussion of a vast variety of topics ranging from sex instruction, intelligence testing, and special education to social welfare, immigration, and birth control, (p. 9) Francis Galton, founder of anthropometry, population genetics, and eugenics coined the term 'eugenics' to describe 'the study of the agencies under social control that may improve or impair the racial qualities of the future generations, either physically or mentally'....(p. 15) "Francis Galton's goal was to make eugenics both a science for measuring society's hereditary make-up and a movement to lobby for progressive policies to ensure better breeding" (p. 19). At the 1914 Social Service Congress of Canada Conference, Helen MacMurchy rose to declare that the problem of defective children could only be solved if special education and medical inspection were complemented by restriction of immigration. "It is well known to every intelligent Canadian," she asserted, "that the number of recent immigrants who drift into institutions for the neuropathic, the feeble-minded and the insane is very great." The same sentiments were expressed at the Congress's 1924 meeting, where it was asked: What are the eugenics effects of bringing in thousands of boys and girls, a considerable proportion of 78-  whom have sprung from stock which, whatever else may be said of it, was not able to hold its own in the stern competition in the motherland? (p. 46) "For those Canadians preoccupied in the first decades of the twentieth century by what they chose to call 'racial degeneration,' there appeared to be two obvious threats: the first was the reproduction in Canada of the unfit; the second was the immigration to Canada of the unfit" (p. 46). [E]ugenicists did not see themselves as racists or [Nationalists]. Eugenics was, its followers claimed, both an international movement and a science. Most therefore made an effort to distance themselves from simple-minded nationalists. Calls for restriction of immigration based on eugenic arguments, so their proponents suggested, would not be based on prejudice, personal bias, or old fashioned notions of patriotism, but rather on progressive, sophisticated, and scientifically informed analyses of the worth of individual immigrants....But in voicing their concern for sorting out the "degenerate," experts were making the unfounded assertion that they had the ability to identify accurately intellectual, moral, and physical strengths....In short, eugenic arguments provided apparently new, objective scientific justification for old, deep-seated racial and class assumptions, (p. 49) 'The danger was that if such social degeneracy continued it could threaten the destiny of the Anglo-Saxon race in playing the dominant part over inferior races in the march of progress" (p. 53). In British Columbia, as in the rest of Canada, the "feeble-minded" were in effect "created" as a category at the turn of the century when education was made free and compulsory....To an unprecedented extent enormous numbers of children were subjected to  79-  common tests, examinations, and medical inspections. Those who met the new norms were declared "normal;" those who did not were labelled as inadequate, (p. 91) William Sloan, the provincial secretary at the time, reported alarm: British Columbia was becoming a dumping ground for foreign misfits. He reported that an analysis of the [asylum] inmate population found that a bare 10 percent were from British Columbia and only 30 percent from the rest of Canada; a full 60 percent were foreigners, (p. 95) In 1927 in the Royal Commission on Mental Hygiene's first report, "the Commission agreed that a disproportionate percentage of asylum inmates were foreign born and called for some form of screening process to be instituted [for immigrants]" (p. 96). "[A] number of eugenic policies were maintained, the most blatant being the sterilization of the feeble-minded, which in Alberta and British Columbia remained in force until 1972" (p. 159). "In British Columbia the total number sterilized is impossible to determine since thefilesof the Board of Eugenics were either lost or destroyed..." (p. 159).  As I expected, my students' responses were those of shock. They could not believe that they had never heard of this history of their country and demanded to know why it had not been included in any previous curriculum: "I had heard about Eugenics and that some people had been sterilized in Canada, but I had no idea that it was a National movement and that schools played ANY role in erasing generations of people - people we will never know."  80  "I cannot believe that I have put such trust in an institution that has hidden so much from me. First, in this class, I learn things about Residential schools that I had never heard about and now this. I'm a little embarrassed to say that I didn't even know what the word Eugenics meant!" "It is very sad to imagine the possibility that because my wife is a person with a disability that perhaps our children would not have been born if we had been a few decades younger." "As an immigrant with ancestors who were living in Canada in the early 1900s, hearing about all of this was very emotional for me. I had no idea about this horrible history and about how much they must have had to endure." "It is so hard for me to understand how a nation could have been allowed to so violently invade people's bodies in this manner."  We discuss the History of silence and the silence of History and how knowledge and . POWer are MAINtained by concealing or neutralizing the past.  Haunted by this silence, we co-create awareness, healing, and re  84-  ^Ono&iJ  XAsUX^jAy  ^sty£*s  ° -Aas7^ua^<  u<sc£Aj(Afiu) J^Ac  A y<xc^zxA&^yAts  ~n&A>  ^A<Z<LA. , ^A^C^Ul^  \A^Ti^AAva/ \  ^a^f*yaAt/:  ~&try2^i*l&<t<J;  ^pa^Ause* ^a^xAks  ^z*rtAAc>-Ct&«A/  ^AO^A<UCZ^IOJ^•-  A& ^n&t ^ze^rtjeAAcsx^  \J4Ai4xOsn£ts 'At,  ^U^A^AAA,  ^CJ^fZ&A,  \J-£ A<f ^<n&A> ^xS ^tX*?oC A>£  A&  . >, 2001, p. 13*  JcAa.  /$tJ<  T AA  sC<3s ^U>HS  r  ^CtnZAj  -<^£  ^A&+UaA  sAA&*r*J .  ~*?/^  s<2s^b^<Av  Go<*/  Imposed I dent I ties  "It's the other who makes my (Cixous & Calle-Gruber,  portrait" 1997, p.  13)  83-  Positions of unequal POWer replaced by positions at the  margins  Experiences of partiarchai inferiority extended to include racial inferiority. Pride in our culture reduced to shame of even its name. Shame of my name  (Aside: H  A  R  T  E  G  NoJnotG.  No its not JW. Its with a G. No its not my first name, Gill is my last name. Hartej is my first name. Like Heart-edge Sure you can call me Hart rf that is easier. (In this country it is often about conveniences). In another place my name would not be an inconvenience. There would not be this shame.  Shame of my language. Shame of my family. Shame of myself. Shame of my other Shame of my skin.  identities  "Despite our desperate, eternal attempts to separate, contain and mend, categories always leak" (Trinh T. MlnJi-ha, 1989, p.96).  But tonight it is about preserving boundaries, preserving a certain innocence.  r  A certain haunting purity.  ,  \  To acknowledge and yet to not acknowledge. To feel and yet to not feel.  .^,~-  f  y  To speak and yet to not speak. To dance toward the sacred space of the/impure, purifying every move,  y " • -.^  '  Surrendering momentarily to bare the toes, to touch the fire, yet to never feel the redness of its heat. To emerge Sita-like, faultless, integral. Harmonizing in disembodiment. Skin to skin. The liminal membrane separating the physical wor(l)d from the spiritual. In the fraudulent space of purity.  y  ....  " *"'  "Whenever a strict pattern of purity is imposed on our lives it is either highly  uncomfortable or it leads into contradiction if closely followed, or it leads to hypoc  That which is neglected is not thereby removed. The rest of life, which does not ti fit the accepted categories, is still there and demands attention...." (Mary Douglas, 1970, p. 193)  92  It is impossible to rid oneself of one's impurity especially when one is nameo^Kali (block). ' * ^  - • • • • v V  Kali is the alternative Goddess riding"preta (ghoota) on cremation grounds. Found not in tempos, but on battlefields tearing demons with her hands and jaws. Her eyes red and fierce;., her tongue dangling deviously between wild fangs and lips drippin^blood. Ornamented in a necklace of ffe3h!y..cut,heads and earrings of infant corpses. Dishevelled hair, naked, dancing wildly she is fury, wrath. Slaying the demons of immorality \ her form - formless. Called upon by the "good goddesses" Durga and Pafvatj, she springs from their bodies. '^ Saving their souls of impurity, while she herself remains impure. She is chaos, growth, decay, death, rebirth completely unrefined. She is unsettling action, dangerous power out of control. She is the black ink that betrays the unheard, the unspoken. l  N  v  Social Studies K - l l , First Nations Studies 12, Personal Planning K-7, and Career and Personal Planning 8-12 curricula contain learning outcomes related to topics such as: -honouring the diversity represented in families, the community, British Columbia, and the world -working collaboratively and respecting diverse viewpoints... -developing self-esteem and mental well-being Curricula for language arts, information technology fine arts (dance, drama, music, and visual arts), and second languages contain prescribed learning outcomes related to topics such as: -recognizing bias and stereotypes, and -understanding personal/cultural contexts. (British Columbia Ministry of Educations, 2001 p. 15)  98-  un/comfortable ethnic realities.. From: "Kadi" <kadip iose@telus.net> To: "Hartej Gill"<hgil@nvsd44.bc.ca> Sent: Sunday, January 11,2003 8:47 PM Subject: theory vs. practice  Hartej, while academics, educators and policy makers continue discussing multicultural/transcultural theories and the curricular "ISMs," students keep living their  contradictory, conflicting and un/comfortable "cultural/ethnic" realities calling each othe "banana," "CBCs," "dipper," "namer," "oreo" ...  From: "Hartej Gill" <hgil@nvsd44.bc.ca> To: "Kadi" <kadip iose@telus.net> Sent: Sunday, January 12,2003 2:38 PM Subject: shock  Kadi as I r e a d these r a c i s t names t h a t you w r i t e , bodily reaction.  I am shocked a t my  I t i s so seldom t h a t these k i n d s of words appear i n  academic w r i t i n g .  Shocked  t h a t you would w r i t e them t o me without any  s o r t of warning, w i t h o u t any p r e p a r a t i o n . shock when I r e a d F r e d Wah's  I am reminded of s i m i l a r  (2000) powerful b e g i n n i n g t o a n a r r a t i v e  i n h i s book c a l l e d F a k i n g I t - - " U n t i l Mary Mcnutter c a l l s me a chink, I'm not one.  That's i n Elementary S c h o o l .  because I don't l o o k l i k e one...." become l a b e l l e d for  the f i r s t  L a t e r I don't have t o be  (p. 7 1 ) . A l t h o u g h i n d i r e c t l y , I  "dipper" f o r the f i r s t  time on t h e i n t e r n e t ) .  time i n t h i s t e x t from you (and I am aware t h a t I cannot  " p a s s , " a t l e a s t n o t f o r white, and WHITEness i s what I d e s i r e . do I??  Perhaps t h i s i s merely what I have l e a r n e d t o d e s i r e .  Or  In  I n d i a my s i s t e r ' s f a i r n e s s was d i s p l a y e d w i t h p r i d e i n c o n t r a s t to my impure,  evil,  labelled Kali  dark s k i n .  With the d i r t i n e s s of the lower c a s t e , I was  (black) by my own f a m i l y -- many y e a r s a f t e r t h e B r i t i s h  Raj . In Canada my skin was again feared, shamed, scorned, beaten, bruised, exoticized, categorized, included, excluded... The hateful (dis)color inscribed on the totality of my body  94  distracting from any pure, of the visible absence of  MASTERed Whiteness.  But let us move away from all uncomfortable  "cultural  these  "/" ethnic  understanding  contradictory, " realities  conflicting,  and  and get back to the "ISMs"...  From: "Kadi" <kadip iose@telus.net> To: "Hartej Gill"<hgil@nvsd44.bc.ca> Sent: Sunday, January 12,2003 9:31 AM Subject: will you continue conversation?  Hartej, how can I move away from these lines of mine causing you so much pain?! Gosh, it hurts, it hurts terribly to read your bleeding words.  How can I move away?! I can't! I need to tell you that I did not want to hurt you that I did no know that it would hurt you so much. I know that my apologies don't change a thing now, HAVE already hurt you. My not-knowing does not have any justification.  How can I move away now? How can I run away from the everyday realities of the  "multicultural minefield" to the academic safety zone and hide behind theoretical "ISMs"  HAVE stepped on a 'real' mine buried under our feet alongside an uncountable number of o  in our multicultural landscape. I have stepped on the mine and the mine has exploded and it h hurt us both, you and me. Now I feel responsible for causing the explosion and the pain.  I don't have a choice but to dwell in this painful matter because ignoring, rejecting, not  acknowledging it will cause more pain by further putting up the barriers of mistrust and silen between us. My hope is in the healing power of conversation. Are you willing, can you  continue conversation with me?  9$  UNSENT EMAILS: Unsent: Sunday, January 12, 2003 11:02 A M  Hartej, although you haven't responded to my e-mail I can't stop writing to you...  Bringing "these " words, which I cannot repeat any more because now they hurt me so  into our text I have transgressed the territorial b/orders of the academic landscape. No,  come across these words in any academic article. I learned them from my daughter wh  explained to me the "multicultural" language that students use at school among thems dangerous language of the youth culture created in the interstices of resistance to the "politically correct" multiculturalism of the adult world.  Our daughters, sons, and students live on the minefields of colonialism, genocide, slaver  might not be fully aware of these legacies that their friends carry with them so unknowi  create the "names" for each other that hurt. But they seem fully aware of the unsafet  "safe " labels, places, spaces that their parents and teachers hypocritically provide them Because can any label or space be "safe" in our world of continuing and ongoing wars, terrorism and killings?!  Hartej, how can we introduce our daughters, sons and students to the ideals of respect  peaceful coexistence when the world we live in is so far from dealing with/attempting to colonial wounds, oppressions, inequalities, and social injustices?  Unsent: Sunday, January 12,2003 1:54 P M  You haven't answered yet.... Will we continue our conversation? Can time heal the wou  How long does it take? How long does it take to heal the colonial wounds that are blee more deeply?  Today when I was walking in my Burnaby Mountain neighbourhood something very  96  strange and significant happened to me. I was crossing the street and the words emerged from within:  WE NEED TO HELP EACH OTHER TO BECOME BETTER PEOPLE. The words stunned me.  Hartej, because you responded to my hurtful words you helped me to become more sensitiv  more care-ful. And I hope that this becoming will continue in the living conversation with ea other in the wor(l)d. Unsent: Sunday, January 12, 2003 3:14 P M  / keep checking my email in the hopes of hearing from you. There is nothing from you. I have  accept that there is a possibility that you have decided to end our conversation because I ha been so insensitive towards you. And yet, I can't stop writing...  How difficult it is to talk across racial, cultural borders, across the abyss of colonial wounds.  Unsent: Sunday, January 12,2003 3:14 P M  "No new messages." I am getting more and more anxious. I am anxious not so much abou  not responding to me at all. I am worried about how you are feeling. I want to phone you an  ask, but then I think that I need to give you some time and space, I should not pressure or fo you back into our conversation. And I keep writing. I want to share with you some of Gloria Anzaldua's insights from her book with AnaLouise Keating entitled: This bridge we call home (2002):  "Staying "home" and not venturing out from our own group comes from woundedness, and stagnates our growth." "Bridging is the work of opening the gate to the stranger, within and without." "To bridge is to attempt community, and for that we must risk being open to personal, political, and spiritual intimacy, to risk being wounded." (p.3) Unsent: Monday, January 13, 2003 1:24 PM Still no answer from you.... I am getting very worried...  (Conversation with Kadi continued on page 102).  98  I am often asked which identity I choose on a given day as if it was like choosing a dress, a pair of shoes, the colour of your lipstick or the colour of your skin. Immigrant, coloured woman, visible minority, ethnic, non-white, non-canadian, new Canadian, naturalized Canadian...are some of my other identities, my other names. Chosen for me not by me.  They are identifying devices, like a badge, and they identify those who hold no legitimate or possessive relationship to "Canada." Though these are often identity categories produced by the state, the role played by the state in identity politics remains unnoticed, just as the whiteness in the "self" of "Canada's" state and nationhood remains unnamed. (Banperji, 2000, p. 111)  That which has been imposed on our bodies is part of a larger col patriarchal project still in the making.  Restructuring social and historical locations and and learning from experiences  Finding a language of resistance through deconstructing, reconstructing and re-reconstructing and allowing oneself permission to re-imagine alternative ways of blinking and being in the world 90  A Wor(l)d Without Words i wonder what i would look like in a wor(l)d without  words entangling-me-encircling-me covering-me constructing-me-writing-me reading-me gazing-upon-me-exoticizing-me silencing-me owning-me-violating-me-burning-me telling-me-speaking-me-hearing-me asking-me the-difference texts-written-throughout-me on-me written-of-me-for-me layered above-me under-me against-me-beside-me-in-front-and-behind-me arbitrarily filling gaps inside me straightening, structuring, locating boxing, controlling, coloring, understanding me e-racing-me/de-racing-me In a wor(l)d of unnecessary-necessary words where my-selves would also know how to be a part of the (w)hole how to be part of the other - the "no-rm"  "A World Without Words," extended out of a conversation that I had with another graduate student after a recent viewing of a multicultural film in Vancouver. In our recorded discussion after the film she said that she wished she "could feel what is was like to not be part of the 'norm.' I was astonished not only by her desire, but also by the certainty of her knowledge of her location in this country and in this CULTure. I wondered what it would be like to feel this completeness, this wholeness, this stable placement without constantly having to negotiate between cultures, within cultures and across cultures. I have, however, come to realize, that my place in this wor(l)d is a space of ambiguity and of endless possibilities - a place of ordered/chaos and of chaotic order - a site of Metonymy, a space of learning/unlearning/re-learning, a space of lingering - a third space, a transcultural space, a space of "Hybrldlty," a space of "Metissage," a space of Yu-Mu, Kithe Uther Gahan.... "it is a space of doubling, where we slip into the language of both this and that, but neither this nor that" (Aoki, as quoted in Low & Palulis, 2000, p. 67). LEXICON: Hybrid n. half-breed, half-blood,  Hybrldlty as a cultural description  half-caste... Described by Webster  will always carry with it an implicit  in 1828 as "a mongrel or mule; an  politics of heterosexuality...  animal or plant, produced from the mixture of two species" (Gagnon, 2000, p. 48) Metissage n. m. Biol. Croisement  Metis, one of several historically  de races ou de varietes differentes,  variable terms (michif, bois, brule,  mais appartenant a la me'me espece,  chicot, half-breed, country-born,  et dont les produits sont les metis...  mixed blood...)  On ne possede aucune preuve de I'existence de races pures. (Gagnon, 2000, p. 144) 404-  From: "Hartej Gill" <hgil@nvsd44.bc.ca> To: "Kadi" <kadip jose@teius.net> Sent: Monday, January 13,2003 3:15 PM Subject: safe cyber/space relationship  Dearest  Kadi,  Thank you f o r your message. P l e a s e know t h a t i t was n o t so much YOUR words t h a t I found h u r t f u l . I t was more t h e p a i n f u l p l a c e s t h a t THEY took me t h a t were h u r t f u l . But t h e y were a l s o h e a l i n g . A l t h o u g h i t i s h a r d t o imagine, your words were h u r t f u l p l a c e s o f h e a l i n g . I b e l i e v e we have c r e a t e d a v e r y s a f e cyber/space and t h r o u g h our r e l a t i o n s h i p and i n t e r a c t i o n ( v i r t u a l and " r e a l " ) , I f i n d m y s e l f g o i n g t o p l a c e s t h a t I n o r m a l l y would r e p r e s s i n my p e r s o n a l , p r o f e s s i o n a l and academic l i f e . So i n many ways I f e e l that i t i s p r e c i s e l y because we are not merely hiding behind "ISMs" that we are able to uncover these painful s i l e n t s o c i a l contexts. I thank y o u f o r e x p l o r i n g t h i s unknown space w i t h me i n such a g e n u i n e l y c a r i n g and open way. Thank you, Hartej From: "Kadi" <kadip iose@telus.net> To: "Hartej Gill"<hgil@nvsd44.bc.ca> Sent: Monday, January 13, 2003 3:38 PM Subject: relief  Dear Hartej, I am so grateful for your understanding and for giving me the opportunity to continue our conversation. I feel a need to send you these unsent messages...  From: "Hartej Gill" <hgil@nvsd44.bc.ca> To: "Kadi" <kadip iose@telus.net> Sent: Monday, January 13,2003 4:15 PM Subject: hurtful healing  Thank you, K a d i , f o r t h e time, energy and h e a r t t h a t went i n t o your v e r y c a r i n g unsent messages. I t i s so c o m f o r t i n g f o r me t o know t h a t you would spend so much time d w e l l i n g i n t h e troublesome s i l e n t space t h a t was unknowingly c r e a t e d b e t ( w e ) e n u s .  1  no  H o w d o we create spaces where we teach/learn this kind o f heartfu I, relational pedagogy/  I wish one o f the people in m y past bad responded in the compassionate way that y o u did so that I w o u l d not have carried m y wounds for so m a n y years o f m y life. Such as: The grade seven girls in m y elementary school w h o w o u l d kick and punch us daily calling m y sisters and me: P U N ! P A K l ! H I N D U ! NIGGER.! C H I N K ! A n y words they could t h i n k o f t o racialize o u r bodies at an age when we ourselves didn't even understood o r k n o w about o u r "difference." or The teen-age b o y in m y high school who, each day as I walked by him, shouted: " P U N ! P A K l ! H I N D U ! C H I N K ! NIGGER.! Y O U ' R E N O T B R I G H T U N L E S S Y O U ' R E W H I T E ! " Everyone around him stood in silence. Loud laughter behind me as I walked away, or The w o m a n w h o standing o n the corner o f Granville and H o r n b y spat in m y sister's face and then m i n e while shouting " G O H O M E . W E D O N T N E E D A N Y O F Y O U C O L O U R E D P E O P L E H E R E ! ! " E V E R Y O N E around her watched and it seemed laughed in silence, or W h e n an Educator posted the following c o m m e n t (amongst others) in the Lower Mainland School District's Conference in response t o m y c o m m e n t regarding m y m o t h e r and other immigrant w o m e n not being given a plat(form) from which t o be heard;  "But in Canada we all have the right t o vote, obtain an education, speak in public etc. There is nothing in Canadian law which prohibits this. W e may not want o r feel the need t o express OUT opinions, but we have the right, i f a Canadian Citizen w h o comes from another culture feels that she cannot express herself this is the fault o f the c o u n t r y o r t h e culture  ofonqin. It is not Canada that is stopping her,  but her o w n cultural fears o r norms. There is nothing in Canadian Law which prohibits this." or  The l i t t l e s i x y e a r o l d boy I t a u g h t i n my f i r s t y e a r as a t e a c h e r , who s t u c k h i s tongue o u t a t me b e h i n d my back. My s t u d e n t s n o t i c e d and  1 OT,  informed with:  me.  "My  When I c o n f r o n t e d him,  parents  t o l d me  he v e r y m a t t e r - o f - f a c t l y responded  t h a t I don't have to l i k e c o l o u r e d  You're c o l o u r e d so I don't have to l i k e you!" I f e a r e d l o s i n g my  j o b and  t h i s i n c i d e n t . I kept my  As a f i r s t  t h e r e f o r e I d i d n ' t dare t e l l  people.  year  teacher,  anyone about  s i l e n c e throughout the year wondering what  would happen the f o l l o w i n g year when t h i s boy would be  i n my  class.  must have w o r r i e d d a i l y f o r the e n t i r e summer h o l i d a y s b e f o r e s c h o o l year  started.  Only to f i n d out i n September t h a t the  the  I new  family  moved away.... or My  recent school d i s t r i c t  teacher  c o l l e a g u e who  t h a t the o n l y reason  p r i n c i p a l i n s t e a d of him was (Completely  dishonouring  requirements of a M.A. Kadi,  although  r e s e n t f u l l y informed  t h a t I r e c e i v e d the p o s i t i o n of V i c e because I was  a  " c o l o u r e d woman"  the f a c t t h a t I had  a l r e a d y completed  w h i l e he was  a p p l y i n g to b e g i n h i s  dwell  i n those  spaces and to w r i t e about them.  our w r i t i n g here. s t a r t e d me will  emotion.  so much h e a l i n g as Dr. C a r l Leggo encouraged me  that that h e a l i n g continues  who  degree).  POWer...in d e t a i l i n my  Master's T h e s i s , I w r i t e about them here w i t h d i f f e r e n t to  the  I wrote about many of these i n c i d e n t s of  m a r g i n a l i z a t i o n , e x c l u s i o n , f e a r , ignorance, There was  another  i n my  And  i n t h a t work  now  i n an even more r e l a t i o n a l way  I f e e l so b l e s s e d to have had an a d v i s o r h e a l i n g journey  and  to now  i t seems because of who  be w r i t i n g w i t h someone  " l i s t e n w h o l E l y " and attempt to " i n n e r s t a n d " my  pain.  I am reminded of something t h a t a c o l l e a g u e of ours s a i d y e s t e r d a y  in  our d i s c u s s i o n group at the Graduate Student r e t r e a t and her words resonate w i t h the wise words t h a t came to you some of the powerful Our  on your walk as w e l l  as  words of G l o r i a E. Anzaldua.  c o l l e a g u e asked: How  do we  l e a r n to l i v e r e l a t i o n a l l y i n an  u n r e l a t i o n a l world? Naming the  unnameable  rooted  in the  vining  and  I hear also of and  "other"  depths  re-vining the  of  these  emerald waves  endlessly  before  me,  ocean  ancestors  I am overcome by  and  of  a sense  "other" of  lands, re-connection.  104  Jt  is the muted whisperings  another Hen  home, another  of  ocean,  thMahasagarlndianOcean....  Defiant,  unyielding  Resisting  space,  fluidity.  history,  time.  Transgressing  names, regulations,  that  THEIR waters  separate  Trespassing  to transgress  from  codes, Theirs.  trespassing.  I want to swim in these  waters.  I want to feel  connections  guiltless  on the bareness I want to  b/orders  of my earth  coloured  with  all of  humanity  skin.  belong  in an unbelonging  belongingness.  T h i s poem was i n s p i r e d by Dr. Ted A o k i ' s w r i t i n g  (1992).  Dr.Ted A o k i  t e l l s us t h a t waters below b r i d g e s a r e n o t mere gaps t o be c r o s s e d . He suggests "that a t times waters between and among the lands be c o n s i d e r e d the s i t e s of i n t e r - n a t i o n a l i t y . . . " Because I am always  (p.  34).  t r o u b l e d by words t h a t a r e connected t o the n a t i o n  and i t s p o l i t i c s and as a r e s u l t o f our i n t e r a c t i o n ,  I would  r e s p e c t f u l l y change the word i n t e r - n a t i o n a l i t y t o r e l a t i o n a l i t y . Kadi, I b e l i e v e our work i s l e s s about t h e o r i z i n g a l l these new "ISMs" and more about l e a r n i n g t o l i v e r e l a t i o n a l l y w i t h a l l the "ISMs" t h a t a l r e a d y e x i s t (as I b e l i e v e we a r e knowingly/unknowingly  doing)?  As I b e g i n t o send o f f t h i s message, I am s t r u c k a t how I might be r e a d as a v i c t i m and you as the a g g r e s s o r .  Although these dynamics  s h o u l d not be i g n o r e d i n o t h e r c o n t e x t s h o w d o w e s h o w t h a t o u r conversation  i s  about  opening  spaces  of  the  s i l e n t  subtexts  of  d a i l y  interactions?  4©§  From: "Kadi" <kadip iose@telus.net> To: "Hartej Gill"<hgil@nvsd44.bc.ca> Sent: Sunday, January 14, 2003 2:38 A M Subject: respect  Dear Hartej, I want to acknowledge with respect your courage to share your painful expe  with me. Your stories/teachings help me to learn not only about you and your struggles wit  racism, but they help me deeper INNERSTAND, as you say, the racism in my/our daily life/liv I trust that the reader will join in our stories and discussions with respect.  Gloria Anzaldua reminds us that the Latin root of the word "respect" is respectus coming fro verb meaning "to turn around to look back."  In order to begin to dismantle racism in our society and our lives we need to look back at ou own stories and learn how we have been/are involved in racism, colonialism, and difference.  (Convcr3ation w i t h Kadi continued on page  141).  '"Diffe* Terenceto some ears, 6ut awf(wardness or TinwuTing?" ieness. Rphasia^ (Minh-ha, 1989, p. 80)  is essentiallyfdivisiou^m-thr^ of mam we thak a toofrof'sef-aefense^thaconqu (MMi-ha, 1989, p. 82)  I long to live in a cc to stee vfearlessly  unity of houses without walls am  on , i manjja at the fioo in the middle of endless fields  rice andlife, as mygr tndfa, ^herdid. To hearvoices-from  theWorth  of  and  South\ and East andtyestandengage in^ollective duologues ofdiff  anding of c ifference is a sharedresponsihi The mdersl wfyich requires a mtyimufy ofwitling ness to reach o\ it to the u (M nh-ha, 1989, p. 85) r  a  Suhaltera wor£ issavage\iHt^erate, und sciplinedandu ndiscipling]^ refusing to he missionary and colonizing^ Transgressing conventional  ways  ofcritique andresearch hy)(oc %ingforproblems rather t fan lookingj solution^. Tofind  ways that t certain way ofthin/(ing](6eing does ntytfit  or does not support the norrn" rather thanc^allenging ff  creative  mought/wor(l)ds.  / orms to allozbrfor  I want tofind  a  thirdspace,% a  transculturaCspace,  By opening up/spaces of conflict wit Bin difference ratBer t/wn continuing in conflicts of difference.  CarlLfegyo  (1999),  in Tangled Lines:  9{urturingWritersand  tyriting,  writi 'Writing, isparticipation in a discourse community, for too Cong, writing Bos Been regardedas the product of genius, inspiration, authenticity, creativXty, andorig mality, the preserve ofa privileged few whs{ Bave in/ erited,genetically or culturally, gifts for effectm' language use. (p. 133) t  My wor^findsJtself in tBis type of a discourse community, in many discourse c{rfnmunitu\$ andin many identifications myselvt  Between  theories, Between  Bhning  andunBomi  disciplines, Betu eh^cultures, Betwee  langt ages, Between countries crossing dangerous imj. ernteoBle Borders urnlermanently — into unspoken  \  territories.  \  \"H(ather tBan continuing to spea^dominant discourses, want to learn to speafijdiverse discourses." (9{prman & Legyo, JL99S, p. K..where I wrote out ofjcBaos now Isee^a way into (Invitation letter tf the reader continued on pago 1 2 E ) )  /  (Legyo,  "For every discourse that breeds fault or guilt Is a discourse of authority or arrogance." (Mlnh-ha, 1989, p. 11)  Unstated Imposed Hierarchical identities in Indian Society Husband-wife pati hove changa, karab Whcthcyahusband isunworthy,  ^ Husband's Father j Husband's Mother  usda nal karo gujara jtick to yeur livelihood at his side.  g-sre^ p-snrt 7£~s :VT>( -3) ? usda hukm suno karara ^^y ^ ^ g^!|sharm de nal deviyo iihiuuduuj,uh Goddesses.  L  i  j  e  e  j  t  w  (refrain:)  ^  ,  y Husband (eldest son) X Husband's Brothers |fe  7  z  „  3{  |  hovedharmedabcrabaimepar Husband's Sisters I Ie's the boat ofrighteousnrwthat will bear you across 0 1 o „ ^ Qr  in?:rwr^ ^  31 g  i n !  \ —N <J * "\ , p^ove^bi Whether a husband is an alcoholic 2  ^^twFather  karo seva pati diprem nal deviyo X Serve your husband with love, oh Goddesses. • Wife's Brothers Wife s Mother ^  ( 5 ' n /a  kimabaytamY ' us val changiya ho ke jana Make yourself goad and go tojnmryr  WWe (eldest daughter) I  pati hove bar gana wala kitna bijogi hove or w irawn from thejverteV  Widows  Prostitutes  p^rrSdevryo oh Goddesses.  t eye,  —  Wife s Sisters  Divorced Women  —  t  usda hukm sono karara Listen te his orders most striejiy, or  (no known vocabulary or place exists for gays or lesbians) "disabled'  (a song from my childhood)  a**- 7  490-  This War is Declared a war on women they say ' and claim it is a war undeclared  il  (  Wji*eWdaas  ..  I  women know otherwise P- ix) 1 o fearing the night . the day heads pounding bodies broken is killed over dowry ^ spirits weeping every two hours a woman 'liable, j t t f blood in mouths Police say consumer goods a ^ ^ ' ^ ringingin ears "There are so many this war is undeclared prisoners of war .. within the confines of our own homes lives hearts they tell us at is undeclared... K e d i n B a n n e  ;  Je Burning' alive and well ui  a n (  as  a  n  e 0  dt h e c l a i m  <£\\<> esteemed judge asks  j^V^^aL k s^^^ e^o^^^L forcefully confining her... d i dh e m e a n t o  ^V ^V <P <^ f\. / * M^f^ 6^ ^^P^tf® -  1117  8 V <vi placing wire around her neck... tightening it... she can't breathe... plastic bag over her head... beyond a doubt judge cannot tell \ C if the man really meant to kill this war is declared...  6  v i o l a t i n  e  6  n e r  found dead on a highway... face eaten away by animals.. V"^ nameless faceless in death... it's her culture, they say these bloody backward immigrants... -'fr j^" what can the police do with these people. ° a community affair they say «'•«% ^.c,^ , it's (  6  e  ^0 \y' l U t V e * *" ^  P  u  ' ^'caPV  p  a \ \tt  *  V  AC<|  t^c':  , i c e  t h e  C a s e  this war is declared. (Thobani, 1995, p.29)|  1  At* /Wivs Reporiti dangelo@nsnews.cun.viisseu  d r o p S  OM  dlSt  ABDUR Khan's murder appeal was Khan, 57, was convicted of killing his o^. family's British Properties home in 1993.  2 g .  ""A  H4©  Knowing the Unkpown  I had never before seen a Punjabi girl in a wheelchair. She rolled past me in the Gurdwara Tomplo downstairs to line up for her langar lunoh. The Men serving her, mostly Uncles and Cousins, gave it to her with extra pity on her plate for they knew her History as well. They all knew what everyone else in that cold tiled Holy room knew, but were never supposed to know so nothing was ever done because nothing had ever happened, in that room, knowing and not doing anything about nothing made the non-ignorance an even greater crime. The guilt weighed down on Them as the little girl wheeled past them unknowingly. As she rolled past me again, I told her that I had known her mother. I talked to her about what a lovely person she had been and about how much she-had loved her daughter. She smiled a thanking smile and roiled away to a place at one of the tables lined up in the suffocating room. As I watched her roll away for what would be the last time in her life too, my thoughts and watery eyes tumeric the Iviurderer standing in the kitchen area with the other Men serving the tood that the women had labored over stoves cooking all day. They all wore scarves on Their .toaads like halos to show Their holiness. Serving God as if They could never do any' harm. Looking at Him, protected behind the Holy cdfunter-no..QDe would ever imagine that He was an Alcoholic and a Murderer. That r  He had killed his own wife and left her at one of the local mountains -- was it Seymour or Grouse? My memory fails me as I stare at this Man with immense hatred and anger. Killing her as a consequence for having produced, somehow on her own, a child with a disability. I had noticed the fear in her eyes the last time thajj ha"d seen her. She was holding her young baby in her arms and cried to me her private pain in the public spotlight of  the old Temple. We were outside so dialogues were permitted. Fatigued by the weight of her daughter who was two years old, she continued to hold her in her arms. He never held her because she was a female, but especially because there'Was-something possibly wrong with her. Somehow not holding her would make the something bdcome nothing. She said to me, "I hope there is nothing wrong with her legs. She still can't walk." Then,. ."I'm scared. I hope He doesn't do something to her." Fearing for her daughter's life, she never imagined that ifwas her own that was in danger. She was the culprit. She was the one who was producing females -- females who could not walk. Females who had no legs and therefore had no head either. Useless females produced by useless females. Both had to be rid oKforever -- slowly and secretly.  \ v  And then. She disappeared. Her family far away in India was told that she got ciQk and had passed away. They would never question Them. Only bear their loss in  N.  knowing silence. The loss of yet another daughter. Loss, in exchange for Their price, Their name, THEIR country. No one else would question Them either for they never really knew what They all knew. All they really knew is what they know now -- the loss, the sorrow, and the guilt. \  Ignorance was safer. Silence was safer. s S  4+2-  Imposed Ignorance  My mother's story...  "reflects the 'voice in my head' recounting the story I constru out of fragments of story that she told me out loud and that I gathered by existing in her presence over many years...." ( Neumann, 1997, p. 93) Her story of deep regret due to her inability to access educational opportunities in India has had an unbelievable impact on shaping me/my identities. I have not always been aware of this impact; it is only through writing that I am beginning to gain some understanding of the meaning of this interconnectedness. After writing a poem about my mother, I felt a need to somehow include my mother's story and my mother's voice. It took me almost three weeks to approach her to ask her if she would write about her educational experience in India and about her grade 10 diploma. I was afraid that the experience would unnecessarily bring back painful memories. However, I also realized that her voice needed to be an integral part of her story/my story/our story - the impossible storied, restorying story. When I asked her, my mother approached the activity as something she needed to do to help me with my education. She approached it as if it was "a job" that needed to be completed for me to do well in my schooling. She did not worry about how difficult this process would be for her. When I offered to go get her grade 10 diploma to help her get started, she said that she did not need it. She remembered all the details of "this  story." She took her pen and in what seemed to be a very short time, four full pages of her anguish poured out. And she cried. Perhaps the words came out so easily because they have been painfully writing themselves inside her body for almost 40 years.  440  "/ learned from my mother's life that even in the silence of a story that lives without words, there exists a text to know and to tell...." (Neumann, 1997, p. 92)  After she realized that I had hoped to translate her entire work, she was not comfortable sharing everything that she had written with an unknown public. She rewrote her wor(l)ds in prose form deleting anything that would in anyway offend  anyone. It is reassuring to know that she, at least, allowed herself to write freely for us. I will place her original copy with my many "unreadable" works and return to it one day when I reclaim the written language of my Mother-tongue. As I attempt to decode my mother's story (at a level comparable to a grade one student), she reads it aloud for me and I write out the Punjabi language in English letters. Re-re-translating her story, I realize the incompleteness of words to fully capture ideas, emotions and nuances in an/OTHER language. Ironically, I learn in our discussion about translations and languages that my mother has deep regret about not receiving an English education in India and through this writing experience, I begin to feel immense regret for not having had the opportunity to learn Punjabi throughout my Canadian EDUCATION. My mother's story/my story/our story is a story of silent solace. It is a poemed-story about my mother's grade 10 diploma. My sister and I found it last summer crumpled up in a tiny drawer in the storage room of our basement. It is marked by many creases of her regret and her shame of not being allowed to continue her education after grade 10. The fact that she was the most educated woman in her village at that time only creates further regret and resentment of what she refers to as her imposed ignorance. As my sister and I carefully framed it for her (or perhaps for ourselves), our attention was drawn suddenly to all the imprints of history, patriarchy, and colonialism The very name of the school that she attended is written in English - it is written incorrectly in Engiish. Punjab, the place of her birth meaning fivo rivoro is written as Panjab. And  444  on the second line, the name of my grandmother is absent. This is the line that indicates that my mother is the daughter of, as it states - my grandfather - Mr. Pritam Singh Suit. The woman who carried my mother in her womb for nine intense months is completely erased from this text. Unacknowledged, silent.  Silent and invisible somewhere between the text of the page and the t  4+5-  Silent Solace Although there is a space behind my Father's she refuses to hang her diploma on the wall. Entombed in darkness, she resents its numbing re-appearance of inadequacy. She is haunted by the possible public display of her imposed identities, of Patriarchal imprisonment, and of COLONIZED hopes of EDUCATIONAL empowerment. Decayed by immortal memories of the "proper" placement: The "decent' dutiful daughter The "decent" dutiful daughter-in-law The "decent" dutiful wife The "decent" dutiful mother. Burying alive the invisible "indecent" identities refusing to be veiled. Now, each factory button-hole she transforms into knowing resistance. For her determination and strength she has CULTivated in the identities of the next generation. My voice is our voice. My education is our education. My degrees are our degrees. In the language of a "MultiCULTural" Alie/Nation. Carefully re-folding and re-placing her pain in the empty space between the wall and my Father's degree, she grieves her/self momentarily. And then in silent solace she whispers: "Ethey fark ki pana si?" "What difforonoo would it novo mado horo?" A different DOMINANCE. A different deA/aluing Difference all the same. "Ethey fark ki pana si?"  o  ^ 1  1/gr ma bahthi kosh ban.  Today I am very happy.  (DELETE.. V  Marryria bettia ne buth tho buth Education parapath karlay ha. My daughtoro arc educated womon.  (DELETE..  1H1  73 I T ^  3|  Eh ho marry athuri echa so jo purri hogai ha.  My regretted wioh hao come truo through them.  (DELATE. u  us  „  fJ>  -1  v^i  Marray dil bich satha thuk ria che ma parahi puri nay kar saki. In my heart there woo alwoyo ouoh pain that I could not finioh my education.  (DELETE....)  ~>0 >{73L_^ Marray ma pap thi be galthi nayhi si. I cannot blame my mothor or ovon my father.  (DELETE....) Li I  1958 ch larkia nu parana chunga nayhi si samaji jana.  In 1058 it WQO not oonoidorod acceptable to educate girlo.  (DELETE....)  Marray mamaji thi mathut na may peli larki pend bich si gen thusmi ( With tho help of my undo I wao tho firot girl in my village to complete grade 10.  (DELETE....)  4+8-  Marray pathiji B.A. sun, Larka nu buth tho buth poronay thi koshish ka purha bi na chan. My husband has a B.A. It was tho common practice- to provide- boyo with ao much education ao poooiblo ovon if thoy did not want to go to school. (DELETE....)  °  ? T^)  1  pfciz)  it] fe -AaU; ^ ^ V i gl ^  ^J?j  Safha/' ma shoch/ fh/ s/' /ce mar/a beff/a fh/ parray uthri na raja be. I alwayo prayod that my daughtoro would not bo forood to livo without an oduoation ao had boon my fato booauoo (and only booauoo) I wao a woman. (DELETE....)  mm.™  fe^9  fc  ^  fl*?  ? ?1  Parmathma fh/ enfh/ mar hoy che marry soch fho he bufh m///a.  f»$»i  >  God hoo blooood mo with moro than I had imagined. (DELETE....) 9TD3  Z^K  ^ '  Ug ma bothi kosh han. Today I arn vory happy. (DELETE....) (DELETE....) (DELETE....)  Conversation as text is embedded in the silence that surrounds it, that breaks it up into words and spoken thoughts, letting those words and thoughts exist as distinctive sounds; written text exists on a page that is otherwise blank and whose blankness lets black print emerge, word by word, as part of a distinctive statement While oral and written texts, emerging as conversation and as writing from silence and blankness, have clear  449-  and identifiable authors, so, too, do the silence and blankness that exist with these articulated texts, holding and supporting them, serving as wordless backgrounds against which the spoken or written words of authors may appear and become real....Discerning untold stories is bound to take an unconventional ear and eye, and mind and heart, for the evidence we collect -- even that these stories exist - will be drawn less from text than from the silence and diffuseness of context. It requires attending more to what is absent than to what is present, more to what remains unsaid than to what is said, more to what is unacknowledged than to what is acknowledged, more to what remains unknown than to what is known. (Neumann, 1997, p. 108)  There are many unknowns deleted from my mother's work. My mother did not approve of my use of "DELETE...." She said it made it seem as if she was hiding things from someone. Also my attempts at giving her voice by crossing out the English sections were seen by her as being disrespectful of the English Language.  (Aside: Should I take into consideration my mother's nee to not appear to be causing any prob or should I just continue writing resistance as I need to? Is this her story, or is it my stor it ours? What are the ethics of care in s stories being shared?) In writing with my mother, I have learned that there are many silences that even I will never know. My mother refused to talk about her life in Canada. "Today I am very happy" is all that she wanted written and read by OTHERS. I wonder how much the fear of any ungratefulness being known and her citizenship being revoked forces her to keep her internal silences. Knowing that my Father continues to hold his Indian passport - "just in case" - further confirms her fears and justifies her silence.  400  We speak. We remain silent. But are we aware that our silence and our speech is about the actual lived experiences of individuals being silenced, violated, oppressed, exploited? The unsaid, the unknown, the unknowable My mother's silent tears bleed the regret of her soul. Her dream in ashes, she is to marry, not mourn. They awaited her subservience, her body, her children. And now, in Canada, the factories also await. Everyone waiting. Knowing. That in her labouring immigrant "obedience," she will tolerate, accept and remain silent,.- Even when she is "dutifully" resisting, j ' And for different reasons,^ ^ /  S THEY also will tolerate, accept, and remain SILENT.  If only I were able to tear out <^ ^ . OJai ma cut thama %' ^ e yX^i}* ^^/ ^ upni zaban, upni aka, upni gala, upne hath, ^m*} • f l ^ i ' T v ^ ^ " * . banth karthma upna dil o ^ ^ . - - - X t Ev<k i upna subkush.. < S ^ f r ^ i ^ I** u  1  11  1  1  my mind, my heart,  . •-'  my ooul,  ,. " ' '  my body,  I would not feel the pain of this imposed silence/SILENCE. 404-  t>iS  PLACeD  1D E N T i  T  ies  'The notion of displacement as a place of 'identity' is a concept you lea long before you are able to spell it. Living with, living through differe (Hall, as quoted in Appignanesi, 1987, p. 45  422  .Canada Lifts Color Bar  The interrupted, fragmented, decontructina/reconstructing storied self, the narrative self, the bordering self, the textual self, the discursive self, the ambiguous self, the spiritual self, the many selves that find themselves in this work, in this difference, challenge WESTERN ideals of personhood. In Eastern tradition the beginningless self had earlier atman (set*!)-and will dis/continue to have many more. This notion of the "recycled/recyclable selves" disrupts and threatens essentialist models of personhood where cohesion, singularity, authenticity, coherence, and continuity are privileged and desired for they manage and discipline forces of dispersion and chaos. "I miss Ambi, the word: ambi -- two tous les deux, tous deux, les deux amphibology ambiguous ambivalence (a word that is not in LittreM) a modern word (1924) Both sides Thinking of/on both sides." (Cixous & Calle-Gruber, 1997, p. 2)  Harjot Oberoi, in his recent book, The Construction of Religious Boundaries: Cu  Identity, and Diversity in the Sikh Tradition, (1994), illustrates that in precoloni homogeneity was not a desirable aspect of Punjabi society. He states that Sikhs moved in and out of multiple identities and that it "was not until colonial times that the term 'Hinduism' was coined and acquired wide currency as referring collectively to a wide variety of religious communities, some of them with distinct traditions and opposed practises..." (p. 16). Early-period Sikh tradition did not show much concern for establishing distinct religious boundaries. There was nothing unusual about such a position...within the Indie cultural environment, for as we have seen there was always considerable ambiguity and fluidity when it came to religious identities....The social and cultural forces unleashed by the Raj helped the Singh Sabha's powerful project to recast Sikh tradition and purge it of all its diversity. It established a highly systematized discourse of what it  404  meant to be a Sikh....The older pluralist paradigm of Sikh faith was displaced forever and replaced by a highly uniform Sikh identity, the one we know today as modern Sikhism. (Oberoi, 1994, pp. 24-25)  Om Lata Bahadur (2001), similarly explains the multiplicity of the Hindu identity. In the Hindu religion there are thirty-three crore and thirty lakh Hindu 'deities. The oneness of the Almighty is represented in different forms. Hindu Gods are manifestations of the One Supreme Being in different forms. God is all shapes and, for a Hindu, can be worshipped in any form. (Bahadur, 2001, p. 8) 1  Mumiji - (mother)  Biji - (gmndmothor)  Existing inseparable from her faith her spirituality her religion, she is  Didi - (sister}  Mamji - (aunt to the oiotor'o children) Phuha - fount to tho brothor'0 children)  Spirituality, relationality, and multiplicity are integral aspects of Punjabi identity. The word Sikh is often used interchangeably with the word Punjabi. Sikhism encourages one to become tuned to the internal spirit through one's actions and through one's divine and human connections. Validation, enlightenment, and transformation come from one's actions and relationships through many lifetimes and many identities. Western scholarship and methodology do not validate Sikh beliefs or ways of being in the world (Singh & Barrier, 1996). The media has further made the category of Sikh undesirable, impure, shameful. My family has learned to keep this part of our cultural identity silent.  405-  a  .1  io  •3  This is the oppressor's language yet I need it to talk to you" (Rich, as quoted in hooks, 1994, p. 168  This letter from my grandfather sent to his family in India in April, 1958 is the only writing that we have from my Pithaji. He wrote manytettersto my grandmother (and she to him) and his children during the 10 years that they spent apart. I wish I could go back and find them all, read them, touch them and live in his presence.... They dissappeared somewhere, as did he, in the relocation. In this letter, my grandfather grieves having to take off his turban and cut his hair. He grieves the loss of his -- Sikh dharm - Sikh idontity. There are no words in the English language to describe the inseparable connection of one's identity to one's faith. Over time this lack of a signifier destroyed its existence, its significance in this Country. Everyone "chose" to do it in order to find work. It became normalized. Normalized by the other in order to be accepted by the OTHER. My grandfather had promised himself that he would replace his turban on his head the day he retired. The silencing of colonized people, either by brutal subjugation or by subtle erasure, doesn't mean that their voices have vanished. Those voices live within the collective memory and the collective unconscious of colonized peoples and historically suppressed cultures. (Cranmer, 2001, p. 125) She is in/visible. They do not see her. They see only her lightly floral shulwar kameez and the chuni draped over the brownness of her face. It smells of the traces of ourry dahl she made rushing to the hospital that morning. She takes the middle section of the pale yellow chuni with her trembling hand and pulls it forward to cover her red swollen eyes - now drained and emotionless. She sits in the corner of the empty 427-  waiting room, quietly praying. Her fragile 71 year old body is hunched over, clutching the tan coloured purse given to her by my grandfather. Today it is filled with tissues only. Somehow she knew that that is all she would need on this day. Her hands folded she continues her quiet hopeful prayers.  They have been with him for six hours now. Nurses and doctors running in and out of his room with instruments, trays, towels, packages, needles...she has watched it ail. She knows that something is wrong, but she does not know what is happening. She cannot seem to find the strength to go up to the desk and ask. She doesn't know how to say THEIR words and she is afraid that THEY will not understand hers. She is also terrified of THEIR possible anger. Dangerous anger, the sort of anger that was known to kill in India. Even in hospitals, unless you had the necessary TITLE, the necessary POSITION, the necessary POWer. Hesitating momentarily, and then again intimidated. Not knowing the RULES of these INSTITUTIONS, she continues to wait silently and hopefully. Maybe the next time THEY stare at her THEY will come and speak to her. Tell her that her husband is recovering now, and that she may go in and see him. She is certain that only moments ago, from across the hallway, she heard him calling her. Was it really his voice? No one else seemed to hear it. She waits. She just waits. Death is imminent. She knows it, but the terror paralyzes her. Her only choice is to wait. Her strength seems almost extraordinary when this one movement alone could divide the line of touching life or touching death.  Everything is quiet now. The doctors and nurses seemed to have disappeared, but she can not be sure. As the seventh hour passes and I arrive in the waiting room, an immense sense of relief overcomes her. She cries loudly and painfully as she embraces me. Her trembling grief and despair seeps into my body. I feel her hours of  438-  intense silence, isolation, and fear. I immediately inquire about my grandfather. He passed away, 20 minutes ago didn't we get the message  at home?  (Translated: In our Multicultural NA that celebrates diversity, we serve even th only in the non-different dominant lang At the funeral my grandfather's pug tttfban- was placed on his head allowing him to finally reclaim his identity.  Reclaiming his identity in death,  i n  a s h e s .  Quick Scale: Grades K to 3 Social Responsibility In most cases, these scales can be used to evaluate student development at anytime during the school year.  Meets Expectations (Minimal Level) '  -usually respectful; may not notice when others are treated unfairly. (British Columbia Ministry of Education, 2000, p. 19)  +29-  Even with the privileges they have given me of THEIR language, THEIR education, they themselves remain unheard and unseen even when crossing the b/orders of this life into the next. Resisting THEir words,  Dis rupting THEir language  THEir ways of knowing,  THEir territories,  THEir barriers,  THEir exclusion,  THEjr domination,  THEir colonization,  We take the oppressor's language and turn it against itself. We make our w a counter-hegemonic speech, liberating ourselves in language." (hooks, 1994, p. 175)  Claiming agency and empowerment ^ Taking up our responsibility to exercise our agency and to act i • Acting may involve the dis/mantling hegemony through deconstruction and decolonization I  \J\J  Silence and A He/Nation "Speaking out assumes prerogative. Speaking out is an exercise of privilege. Speaking out takes practice. Silence ensures invisibility. Silence provides protection. Silence masks" ( Montoya, as quoted in Srivastava, 1997, p. 118). The (in)visible minorities, the aliens. ..."Aliens" whose presence threatens to drain the nation of scarce employment, educational, health, and housing opportunities. This discourse attempts to structure commonsense notions about  whose cultural practices constitute  membership in Canada's version of civility and who may (or may not) be considered worthy or deserving of citizenship rights. It is particularly evident within the current evocative and powerful discourses on "immigration" that construct select groups of immigrants, refugees, and political dissidents as "menaces to Canadianness." Within such discourses, Canada is represented as a "nation-at-risk" of losing its moral (and, implicitly, patriarchal) authority, if not its political and economic control over "traditional" institutions. (Roman & Stanley, 1997, p. 209)  Rating Scale: Grades 8 to 10 Social Responsibility Section 4: Exercising Democratic Rights and Responsibilities In most cases, this section of the Rating Scale can be used to evaluate student development at any time during the year. Exceeds Expectations Knowledgeable and optimistic about ways individuals and groups can influence legal and political systems; may initiate action. (British Columbia Ministry of Education, 2000, p. 143)  404-  Pun! Paki! ndu! Ch'jik! You Stink! It's just their experience ffhey have nothing to substantiate it. No proof = no case Case closed! Minds closed, Bunth  Hearts closed, Bunth  Doors closed, Bunth  Exits closed Entrance closed Enclosed  Bunth  Junth is a Punjabi word meaning imprisoned. jcoming quite distressed by the term Alien used on the CBC in mid-July, I sought larification in the thesaurus that I had at home. Alien, n. - Syn. different, dissimilar, outlandish, queer..., outsider..., barbarian..., man without a country....  fsttigfc* mM  A no colored (wo)man's land  402-  Where the Wild Things Are Schools: Where the Wild Things Are -- to be tamed. If THEY find ways to tame them, THEY can return to THEIR own worlds satisfied of THEIR conquest. "I don't care about residential schools and I'm sick and tired of being blamed for what happened to tnem back then. All I care about is how to get our weak first nations students like Jojo to learn to read in English!" (In other words how to tame the savage). These are the words of a staff member only two days after our school devoted a whole day to a MuHicuHureri event with a First Nations focus. The same person also expressed dislike to Shirley Sterling's book My Name is Sepeetza, (1992), because she felt cheated and mislead when she found out that all the narratives in the book were not "real" accounts of the author's own experiences in residential schools. Some were retellings of stories of the author's mother or grandmother. Somehow this distance made the narratives less horrible, less significant, less true. "It's not Hke It was the Holocaust," she continues. No, it is not like the Holocaust. But "who is to say that robbing a people of its [CULTure, land and] language is less violent than war" (Smith, as quoted in Anzaldua, 1987, p. 53)? "Learning a language while discarding/disregarding another is about more than words - it's about identity destruction and formation - and...it is about power" (Rockhill & Tomic, as quoted in Gaskell & Willinsky, 1995, p. 219). No one else dared to speak, yet I felt their frightening silence. I knew I must say something. I tried to find the most diplomatic words: "I don't think that you mean that you don't care, perhaps you are just more concerned about the student's immediate progress." Her response: "NO, I mean I don't care!" Silence  434  SILENCE I am exploding with silence, yet no words will come. Wanting not to inconvenience, to make uncomfortable to shake, anger, change the POWer relations, the DOMINANT knowledge. The status quo. Silence in order to remain unheard, unseen, unknown. a safe alien  in  THEIR CULTure  and  Theirs.  I feel the resentment building. Having grown up being scared and ashamed to speak in my own language. Not wanting it to be heard outside of the home, I would ask my parents to whisper if we were ever in public together. I began to go out with them less and less over time, fearing that somehow, someone would find out that they were savages, that they weren't following the orders of THEIR schools of English only at all times. Speaking secretively in Punjabi outside of school and hidden inside our homes. This narrative is not intended to compare the experiences of residential schools to those of E.S.L students in the public school system. It serves only as an example of how one's ideas, experiences, languages, memories, and Histories may find connections and how one reads and re-reads and interprets and re-interprets through these connections in order to re-connect and re-reconnect. It started with the book Where the WHd Things Are (Sendak, 1963). The book that brings back memories of embarrassment, contempt, anger, resentment. Memories, all of which reappear in my mind in my mother tongue ~ in my language - the Punjabi language. O ethan kintha kar sackthi si? The teacher calling home because I fell  asleep while she was reading the book. The only crime being that I did not understand. After a mere six months in Canada, I couldn't relate to its foreignness. There was not any magic, any connections, any baras, any divas, any havelis, any bazars, any secret gardens of my great grandmother. I tried intensely to read the pictures, the expressions, the gestures. It was useless. This reading experience did not mean anything to me and yet it would come to mean so much. There was Max and these funny looking creatures and then the taming of the beasts and then it was too much of an effort to figure out the rest. I fell asleep. When I awoke, one by one each student had to go up and tell the teacher a secret about the book. One by one each student would cup their mouth and whisper their secrets in the teacher's ear. One by one...and then it was my turn. Slowly, I went over to the teacher sitting at her desk in front of the green blackboard and cupped my mouth just as I had seen others do, but nothing came out. I tried it again, silence. 1 was asked to sit down and come back later or so I thought. To this day I still wonder what they said to the teacher. What secret was told and about whom. Even the other Punjabi girl in the class who spoke English well was asked not to reveal any information to me. Everyone else could know except the one who fell asleep when the teacher was reading the book. The one who had to start her picture again the same morning because she had drawn mangoes and rice fields instead of the maple leaves that she was asked to draw. The pasoon, the savage. Without any warning, any indication, any reason - the phone caH home to my overworked, underpaid parents fighting to survive in this new land of hope and opportunities. Not understanding what such a call home meant to my family -- to an immigrant famity. The fear of being judged incompetent is far greater for those who are "different" and who do not speak the DOMINANT LANGUAGE. Demanding they put their savage daughter to bed early and have her speak in English only. As I arrived home, angry looks, yelling, screaming and dragged to bed by 7:30. The request of English only, however, was harder to futffl for my parents had not yet been fully tamed. HOC T w  I wondered for many years what the book was about, but the heavy contempt prevented me from lifting it off any library shelf. Perhaps the memory of the disturbing experience even went to rest in those dusty stacks for a few years. That is until four years ago when in my French immersion class a student brought me the translated  copy: Max et les Maximonstres for me to read to the class in yet another language. It all came back to me. I could not get myself to open the book. After several days of delaying tactics, I was finally obligated to read it to them. I read it to them slowly and carefully in English, or was it French? My memory fails me. The intense hatred pressed between the pages found no escape. I could not like the book. My students could not either, especially not Jojo, who prefers to hear stories about the Eagle and the Raven rather than the wild savages. Claims of a Multicultural Country  Aside: Once student^  and of multicultural educational INSTITUTION.  learn Engfch...then  laims of "tolerance" for others  teaming can proceed  and of^sQcial justice.  unhampered.  Claims of meeting every child's individual needs.  Forgetting their natrvd]  Piles and piles of paperwork claims dominated by \  language is seen as a regrettable but  the DOMINANT curriculum^  necessary price to  The Government of and the DOMINANT language.-. British Columbia Rather than the wild language  pay for the benefits ot|  v  encourages  Citizenship.  the bilingual, trilingual,  X.  (NietQ.2000,p.l91)  opportunities for all savage semilingual language. students to leam In a third space where multiple languages, languages that are  multiple codes, multiple voices are invited and accepted  significant within  as legitimate ways of expressing one's identities.  our communities.  "I am my language.  (British Columbia  Until I can take pride in my language  Ministry of  i cannot take pride in myself" (Anzaldua, 1987, p. 59).  Education, 2001, p. 17)  Marray jwan Kithe uther  ex.  Gahan "511 -o\  Where the Wild Things Are' Sharing the rx>etry, J:hega2:a!srth«3 music, la magie, les serpents,,the fires, the mangoes, the mor, • —  • t h e vines, the sunsets.  Stepping down and over and around the hard stone bara walls that separate THEIR words from Theirs. Silencing the voices that say that They cannot understand. Extending the empty school spaces to include the savage, uncultured, semilingualism found not yet in stone.  Rating Scale: Grades 4 to 5 Social Responsibility Section 4: Exercising Democratic Rights and Responsibilities In most cases, this section of the Rating Scale can be used to evaluate student development at any time during the year.  Not Yet Within Expectations  In all cases, the right to receive an education in a minority language applies only when there is a sufficient number of eligible children to justify providing schooling in that language.Where those numbers do exist, governments must provide the necessary facilities. (Government of Canada, 1982, section 23)  -The student tends to be apathetic and may feel powerless to affect classroom, school, community, or world. (British Columbia Ministry of Education, 2000, p. 65)  Rating Scale: Grades 4 to 5 Social Responsibility Section 3: Valuing Diversity and Defending Human Rights In most cases, this section of the Rating Scale can be| used to evaluate student development at any time during the year.  Exceeds Expectations  -beginning to develop... pride in the multicultural nature of Canada -can describe basic human rights and give example; often wants actions taken against injustice. (British Columbia Ministry of Education, 2000, p. 64)  433  »  .(/tfU*SlA&  7  ^€^+lpCCJL<U  /lie  ^omJoC,  j&Cu  ALTER*  ^Q44SlS<gf<£<>C,  eicpkriences andlanguages of}%e suhmtern 6othpedagogica epishsmolqgicalCegitimacy with[ln)Ahe iMJlI^lstream.  Cultures ofscholarship are in theprocess of6eittg rethought andrelocated. The colonialdifference/cannot avoided....In thisprocess we (scholars, socialscient inistsfore 6eing invitedto loo^J-or models and genealogies6eyondthe colonial(anyuages [English, §erman,/French] ofthe modernpeptod. (Mignolo, 20m p. 276)  'Decolonizing U a way offiealing colonialwounds, hut healing re  efforts o£M dominant to sharenheir POWer andshare in th&res  athfcly. Ij/ishonouring orme/ely ''toleraUng'tyje diversity ofv  ejecting healing to ta^ewlace in the colonizertyinguage, the co  e?(periences or the colojlizer's space is the colonizer\violent w  iring silence, suffering anddomination. Languagtis a comple  toWerfulway of subjugating, constructing andcontrollingpeopl 'as their predeterminedhierarchalplaces in society. /  (Invitatiin letter to the reader continuedon page 1S6)  449-  and as a consequence, we are still living under the same regime" (Mignolo, 2000, p  this the reason why we have become so concerned with the issues of whiteness and non whiteness in our conversation?!  Having "established" the border and (mis)placed Epstein's and Mignolo's discussions of  transculturalisms on opposite sides I am drawn to join "Mignolo's side" (Mignolo is not o "Latinoamericanist," he comes from Latin America, Argentina).  After living in Colombia I have looked at the world more and more from a "subaltern " perspective which " implies not inferiority but awareness of a subaltern position in a current geopolitical distribution of epistemic power" (2000, p. 15). After living in Colombia I have began to listen more and more to the voices silenced by discourses centering on modernity, postmodernity, and Western civilization.  After living in Colombia I have begun to feel more and more "at home" with/in "border offering a space to think "otherwise" from the borders between dominant and subaltern epistemologies (Mignolo, 2001, p. 186).  By the way, Hartej, I forgot to tell you that "transculturalism" is a concept coined by Cu anthropologist Fernando Ortiz in the early 1940s who located this notion in the context  history of tobacco. I believe that this means that the notion of "transculturalism" is a La  American term although this information is absent from any discussion of transculturalism  (Conversation with Kadi continued on page 154).  44£  44$  447-  44&  449-  459  Action disRuptive reimag(e)inings "Inadequacy, Kogawa asserts, is not an excuse for inaction. On the contrary, it is precisely because we are broken and incomplete that we are called on to act; tor it is in acting that we can join and share our individual perspectives..." (Nguyen, 2000, p. 193)  Quick Scale: Grades 4 to 5 Social Responsibility In most cases, these scales can be used to evaluate student development at anytime during the school year.  Exceeds Expectations:  -Shows a strong sense of responsibility in the classroom and an emerging sense of idealism — wants to make the world a better place; beginning to notice opportunities for action. (British Columbia Ministry of Education, 2000, p. 61)  464  VOTING = Presence VOTING = Voice VOTING = Status VOTING = Access VOTING = Citizenship VOTING = POWer The right to vote = The right colour, the right race, the right identity, the right year.  Summary of groups disenfranchised provincially in British Columbia.  Groups: Women Chinese Native Indians Japanese East Indians Mennonites Doukhobours  Year disenfranchised: 1874 1874 1895 1907 1931 1931  Year enfranchised:  0  1917 1947 1949 1949 1947 1948 1952  "Historically, as the history of colonialism testifies, membership in the nation has been zealously guarded in the interests of a few" (Barman, 2002, p. 1). These figures are an example of how "our understandings of race and nation have permitted some Canadians' values and beliefs to shape the legal and social identities of other Canadians, in and out of the classroom" (p. 1). Only after the Second World War were those identified with the above groups legally permitted to enter the Canadian Nation ~ legally permitted to have a "Canadian identity."  No other institution holds as much power as does the school in introducing race and the nation to the new generation. For a century and a half, the school has been the site where almost all children have acquired a core understanding of these important concepts. The ways in which children have done so became increasingly uniform as the state took charge of schooling in the nineteenth century to ensure that its interests were being served. Specification of curriculum, [the selection] and training of teachers are among the mechanisms used to encourage consistency within political units. (Barman, 2002, p. 1) The hegemony of knowledge in schools has inevitably served the dominant groups better than the "Others." Representations of Canadians in the curriculum have and continue to portray negatively or omit altogether persons of colour, hybrids, gays, lesbians, persons with disability, persons living in poverty... Despite inclusive policies: Diversity is an overarching concept that relies on a philosophy of equitable participation anc an appreciation of the contributions of all. (British Columbia Ministry of Education, 2001, p. 5) British Columbia's Grade 10 expectations include immigration studies, and require students to identify the influence of immigration on, and the contributions of immigrants to the development of Canada. British Columbia Ministry of Education, 2001, p. 6)  many identities still remain absent from the MANdated CURRICU of our Educational Institutions and the MultiCULTural identity of th 1' S3"  gathered around silent and  moment  room when a l l o f a s u d d e n d u r i n g  I r e a l i z e d the p o t e n t i a l f o r everything  I somehow f e l t  was t h e o n l y and  i n the l i v i n g  host  classes...)  most r e s p o n s i b l e ( b e c a u s e o f my  who s h o u l d  i f i tdid,  since  backgrounds present.  my y o u n g e r  i n - l a w s and t h e i r  sister-in-law all  my  would i d e n t i f y  categories.  themselves)  castes  origin  and c l a s s e s .  the  We h a d e v e r y o n e  disease  This  wheelchair. various  were f o u r  friends of various  f r o m my p a r e n t s  I remember l o o k i n g  the t o p i c o f Christmas would not  perspectives.  v i e w s on t h a t  with.  from  And then I hoped t h a t i n c o r r e c t jokes  sensitivities  to consider  l a n g u a g e b a r r i e r s b e t w e e n my p a r e n t s a n d my s i s t e r ' s to deal  a range i n -  t o respond t o i n f r o n t of everyone.  generational  who  f r i e n d was i n a  w o u l d n o t make a n y p o l i t i c a l l y  would be p u t i n a p l a c e  (the f o l l o w i n g are  hierarchy of  w e r e s o many c o n f l i c t i n g  r e l i g i o u s and c u l t u r a l  younger cousins  sister's  f r i e n d o f m i n e who most o f  n o - o n e w o u l d a s k why my  there  family,  " t r a n s c u l t u r a l discomfort. "  And then I hoped t h a t  come up b e c a u s e  there  social  a n d i s now i n a w h e e l c h a i r p e r m a n e n t l y .  I hoped t h a t  there  woman was b o r n w i t h a d e g e n e r a t i v e  around and f e e l i n g a c e r t a i n First,  My  with quite  T h e r e was a l s o a c l o s e  f a m i l y h a d n ' t met.  gathering  family.  a n d some f a m i l y  ( i n terms o f t h e t r a d i t i o n a l  jobs/professions).  of cultures  I'm n o t s u r e how t h e s e i n d i v i d u a l s  work i n f a c t o r i e s t o u n i v e r s i t y p r o f e s s o r s between  as i f I  My i m m e d i a t e  and h e r husband o f Chinese-Canadian  simplistic  religions,  British  I felt  At this  were many p e o p l e o f d i v e r s e sister's  t o go s o wrong  l o c a t i o n a t the borders  h a v e known b e t t e r .  a  And then o f c o u r s e  I hoped t h a t  that  f i n d myself  negotiate everyone.  and f i n d  and v a r i o u s  British  in-laws  no o n e w o u l d a s k a b o u t  r i g h t i n the middle of everything some  transculturalism. what  trying to  i t was a v e r y  exhausting  evening.  e v e n i n g about a l l t h e t r a n s c u l t u r a l t h e o r i e s and  I w o n d e r e d i f t h e p e o p l e w r i t i n g them r e a l l y  i t meant t o l i v e  "transculturally "  I f they had ever  t h e y h a d , I'm n o t s o s u r e clean  that  their  knew  felt  " t r a n s c u l t u r a l t e n s i o n " i n t h e ways t h a t y o u a n d I d e s c r i b e ?  concise,  and  " t r a n s c u l t u r a l space o f c o m f o r t " f o r  As y o u c a n imagine,  I wondered a f t e r t h a t  I  And t h e n  my d i s s e r t a t i o n b e c a u s e t h e n c o l o n i a l i s m w o u l d s u r e l y b e d i s c u s s e d I would  my  For i f  t h e o r e t i c a l maps w o u l d be s o  a n d clear...  (Conversation with Kadi continued on page 192 ).  ±S4  One ofthe/nost significant moments in terms ofmy ]fb^der wri  during agraduate course on Identity. That day two doctoralstu  the course were responsiSlefor "presenting"an article By Allison Jon  entitled: Limits ofCross-Cultural(Dialogue (1999). In this arti  presents a study conductedat a 9{ew Zealanduniversity w, iich  contei iporary callsfor dialogue in "multicultural" Western educa  (y uses a controversial pedagogicalstrategy anddivides t  dominant group of<Pa%eha studentsfrom the fMaoriandpacific Is  studentbforpart ofeach c(ass during agiven course. Jones discu impact ofithis separation ortthe twogroups ofstudents/ "(For  and(PacifusJslands students, uJappeared that segregationfrom th  (Pa^eha peerrwas an effective, even necessary, conditionfor a  [empowering] andpositive(educationale?cperienpe. for the (Pa  students, the diviJtivhsseelmedto have almost/me opposite eff  confusion, disappikntmenlSandeven aru/er. 7mes examines the  group "student^/desirefor thc^he/''statit IJJ mat: "(Border cro  recognitiop^fdiffereftc^turns out/to Be accessfo\dominantgroup andtives^ftthers" (p. iMSh^hhsiates that  ation is an imaortant opportunityforsutwainategr  in tfizyiticalclassroom; however, shenighliffht ot/jers cautiojl against surveillance and colonization,,  RltBougB  in tmfgraduate course our cCass didnot^ave  these issue/in detai£ my journalentry  time to discuss  highlights avery  all  emhodiedre-  memBertng.  Jourkal'Entry - March20,2002  ..../ fully understand that the two students who chose th t activity  dividing the class as a way topresent Allison Jones' article didso on  after\very carefulconsideration. This is not a critique oftheir use  controversialactivity, Bu\ratherj gratefulnessfor the panting emerge)'  (Before shirting theirpresentation, the two students/clearly indic discomforts And then they^structedjis to. divide ourseCvt  or 'ToCoureayanddiscuss the article andth  use of the "sejjara\tion Eyerijone seemed t&get up  prnnediatelijandsta.  that we were not volumaApartwipmts  ing around,  in a resean  extremely frighten ing to see^e ropotu\ naturalness with Began to ta^e the,  (jiven  it was wh  'one^  of power, marginalization,  transparency.... Zm  sBame, Betrayalor  Body refused tonwve.  itselves ofPllStories,  colour,  resistance, my memories, 457-  families, e?(periences, relgion\enwHons,dangtujgek...!^^  to  categorize itsilves, include/exclude itselves. Dishonour opposi  affiances, insi le/outside. PerhapMnys^infaezvits place, But m  Bayers remaine\fin utter confusicjn ofthis coConiaC, jfrodernis  ZlnaBBe togathePhtfmyfragments andpuBliclypac^gge them  tBeC0L09{lzk%yBsgacy. mc/^owledgM^EI^essentialistnotion ofcofoured, impure, aBien^e^nic, heaven,pagan, other....  Woundedin shame, mys^in crnwledits way ovt rto tBe colo  illegitimates But my heart, mind, soulremainedcfn the thresh resistance. In thisfra  rl heardsomeone in the  tei., " H/9lI l d"group say: ^Q$E shouldB/^the ones\ to leave the roo f  ( r  up this c mtralspace."  I  tm)ughtl also heard:  '"Even  though the  more ofas audit wouldBe easierfor t/Um to leave," But I canno  that my memory didn'tjustfillin tBe words oftBe silent loo^s — suBte^ts. Chirredwhile Vecentredas the "/kher." Emptying the selves a>  the room, everyone left. Everyone tha  is, e?(pect one "white womm." She did/didnot stay in the roo 458-  Extremely emotionalandtroubled, she lingereduwisihle resistan  entrance/e?g&joining my other other(ed) selves. (Bothsfus foo in/loofing out. The doorwayframing our nonWPlHEhess. 'Everyone eCsefollowed the instructions and(eft.  In th z tense incompleteness ofthepost(colonial)-activity discu learning/unlearning6ecame a space of healing.... I lN9tfE?$stoodfor thefirst time hurtfulcategories ojfmodernist  notions )Q{race/ethnicity/iakntityj Ofthe impossibility offittinginto suc restrictive\andconfining notii of sameness. And1 fU9f(DE!l(stood T  POWer.  acceptance andf fMJLI9ftenance of(PfDWer in classr  institutions. ThetPOWer offthe instructor, leajfer, presenter... many identities• of25' doctora<  The findofTOWer that rules an entire cla  rely ris£jfp)andfollow instructions without  questioningtne spx learninlf,education, transCULTurali  'Dangerous TOWer disguiseda ation, civ^izationymultiC'UETuralism,  contact zone ofa classniom^tfow ofte  is this POWer ahdsed? Sile> training 60dies to domination. It is  rously safe spaces is a  alization or to remain ignorant  ^ustainingjtPOWer, andMAiyftaining the  status quo. 4-59-  re was ojie^Ulbman wBoJiadvuBBicBy tBe cfaferviTm^I as fed: if tBeinstructions  identifiedBerseBfas  a BesBidnr  BadBeen to categorize  urseisfes m^gFetrps^according to se^uaBorientation  wouldtBe  andsort  rest of us off  lave teltt tBe room andBdjuBtis-vne-Wbman aBone? CDidwe not question tions to divide/andcg#qti%r£he~f<jJcte  outoffear/discpmfffrtof  speajgggup, orBecausewfj£^Jgnora)iceof tBe imposmeliof essentiaBist categories on etBnic/nineth  nic andwBite/nonwBite  Bave s mpBg Been trained to uncriticaBBgfauow given \n an educationaBinstitution?  Bodies, or Because we  instruction)^ wBen tBey are  Is a\doctorate\aBout education or  indochifH&TlOW  (Invitation fetter to tBa reaa t r continue d on page  178)  \ 4€&  Echoes of silence Still silence echoes in the room. Contained, unendurable. Inside is the pain of speech/less/ness. Unbroken speech in unbroken silence. I stumble in this silence. My silence, their silence, THEIR silence, her silence POWerful silence. Refined, civilized silence breaking even dust. This silence is refuge. Departed spirits safe in ignorance. She eSTRANGEd in her pain, while THEY defend their positions: "We know that if we say anything against students' comments like FAG, DIKE, GAY, we'll have the principal and the parents at our door. The harrassment will go on for months. It's just easier to walk away and pretend you didn't hear. It is just safer to stay silent and ignore these 'unfit' identities" Safe silent suicides. I watch her as the four WHITE women dominate the space her tears are her speech. Even her disturbing exit does not wound THEM, does not unsettle the relations. Absenting her even in her absence I listen in shock to THEIR speech and to the silence. I have heard this colourless speechlessness before  4€4-  thm $Mm®m<&  a  Sift®  g  In  m ©  n  ©S3!p)i]©(°]©© in silence.  Risking noise silently, I run out to find her. Even my movement does not ALTER the atmosphere in the room, or the epistemological wound. THEIR pedagogy continues. THEIR defense continues. The silence continues. The professor's silence continues. The graduate class of experienced teachers c  o  n  t  i  n  u  e  s  .  Everyone continues. Everything continues. Silence all around. She violently (dis)missed. The British Columbia College of Teachers' mandate requires us to examine carefully the many dimensions of the [Teacher Education] program and to be satisfied that it will appropriately prepare teachers to work with the diversity of students in B.C. classrooms. (Gunderson, 2002, pp. 1-2)  4S2  Hello Hartej, (www.crr.ca/EN/default.htm). You must go to this site if you have not already done so. It is a very long document but a very important one for educators working in social justice and given our recent discussion, I think that you will find it relevant. The title of the document is: "Teacher Candidates' Racial Identity Development and its Impact on Learning to Teach." The document was prepared by two researchers from York and the University of Western Ontario. C EXECUTIVE SUMMARY Local and international perspectives on teacher education have highlighted the shortcomings of institutions in preparing teachers for the growing racial and ethnocultural diversity in their schools and communities. Massive racial exclusiveness and inequalities continue to exist in teacher preparation programs and the ways graduates work with racialized minorities in the school system at large. This research project, conducted in a large urban Ontario university in 1998-99, explored teacher candidates' racial identities and the way these impact the process of learning to teach. In addition, the study analyses how candidates responded to the theory and practice of race, racism and antiracism in their scholarship, and the development of attitudes, knowledge and practices that prepare them to work for equity and social justice. The findings of the study indicate that candidates initially possess limited knowledge, and interpersonal skills for working with diversity, but were willing to develop growth plans to achieve competence. Although some candidates were cognizant of the impact of racial difference in schools, others, mostly Whites, preferred to remain raceless and colour-blind and denied the presence of White privilege in Canadian society. While cross-race partnerships provided the opportunity for candidates of different racial backgrounds to share perspectives and experiences in a positive interdependent manner, factors such as own-group cleavages, and personal and institutional racism limited this learning opportunity. The research concludes with recommendations for a better screening process for those entering teacher education and the field-based support staff working in practicum settings. More importantly, there is the urgent need for a more comprehensive antiracism curriculum in teacher education and teaching.  463-  Missing from a multitude of Histories, Absent, hidden, forbidden  Missing from a multitude of Narratives, Silent, voiceless, tongueless  Missing from the missing narratives, Speech in silence  "The cloning of a British identity required more than the transplant of British bodies and British dispositions, however. It also meant the reproduction of British institutions" (Stasiulis & Jhappan, 1995, p. 97). In 1939..., the President of the Canada and Newfoundland Education Association, named a committee to investigate authorized text-books in use in the schools of the different provinces of Canada. The heading under which the study was to be made was as follows, ~ to enquire into all text-books connected with the courses of study in each of the provinces of the Dominion with a view to finding out how far they foster the best ideals of national life. (Canada and Newfoundland Education Association, N.D., p. 1) National Ideals as stated in this study (p. 1) and the question of the study were as follows: C. National Ideals 1. Has the author tried to inspire his readers with a feeling of admiration for the achievements of great Canadians and great British leaders: a) in the political field? b) in the military field? c) in the social and economic field? Quote best instances, and pages of each text.  +64  2. Has the author indicated a positive effort to develop in his reader a love of free institution, for democracy and all its concomitants, for free speech, for free press, etc.? Quote pages. Please comment. D. General Comments Kindly comment on this text relative to any general rperits it may have for fostering the best ideals of national life. The criteria for required textbooks in schools have changed considerably since 1939 in policy. In practice, however, most texts in the libraries and classrooms of public schools clearly continue to carry forth the NATION building agenda of homogoneity erasing the identities and contributions of entire cultures and ways of being in present day Canada. At best these texts celebrate and sensationalize diversity while containing difference. The schools in which they are located also conceal ethnocentric, modernist universalism in a monolithic discourse of pluralism.  The school, as one of the institutional bulwarks of democratic life, has a particular responsibility in its teaching and operational practices to ensure that it does not perpetuate traditional kinds of stereotyping or the inequalities they promote. (Report of the Royal Commission on Education: A Legacy for Learners, as quoted in British Columbia Ministry of Education, 2001, p. 3)  The education system has both a responsibility and an opportunity to practice what it teaches. (British Columbia Ministry of Education, 2001, p. 3) +65-  After reading articles by Celia Haig-Brown and Michael Marker, my EDST-314 class of student-educators spent two hours at the University of British Columbia's First Nations House of Learning...  "/ had heard about residential schools, but I always thought that fami children there by choice. I am shocked at my ignorance! My entire ou Nations community and their struggles has been completely changed a guest speakers at the First Nations House. It was such a meaningful c  "I have never understood the pain of what is perceived as the laziness First Nations people until today....! also learned that we need to stop j schools and society by our standards...the standards of the whites."  " Thank you for the best class of my entire schooling. I found the spea very moving and I learned so much. I want to know why I have never of schooling, learned anything about residential schools and the storie violence committed against First Nations People in Canada. How as an expected to act, if I am not even made aware?" (Although some argue that it is one's own responsibility to become aware, I feel that the Institution also has a responsibility in unmasking these atrocities so that students have a fair opportunity to become aware). ...I hear echoes of my own awakening when I finally discovered for myself during the research of my M.A. thesis many silent stories. One of the most disturbing was that of the Komagata Maru incident. I had never heard of this shameful and tormenting History. If it had ever been mentioned to me, it had been minimized to a boat of East Indians that was turned back from Canadian shores because it arrived illegally. The reasons behind the illegal nature for their voyage or the violence as a result of their rejection had never been revealed to me.  Only when given the space in my schooling to look at my own cultural and family histories and experiences did I discover the entire story... After two months in the harbour the Komagata Maru was sent back because it had not come by direct passage from India to Canada as required by Canadian immigration laws at that time. The fact that there was no direct passage from India to Canada had little relevance for a government whose main aim was to adopt policies to stop all unassimilable immigrants from India. Even in 1956, when my Pithaji, Grandfather, came to Canada, the immigration of Asians was covered by "Special Procedures." The "Color Bar" which limited, if not prevented, Asians, especially East Indians, from entering Canada was not lifted until 1962. My Biji, Grandmothor, tells me that everyone aboard was charged with attempting to overthrow the BRITISH GOVERNMENT. When they arrived back in Calcutta, "troops opened fire on the unarmed men. Over sixty Sikhs died in the ensuing battle, the rest were imprisoned and tortured, many hanged" (Jagpal, 1994, p. 34). Unarmed Indian men were killed because Canada had to remain a "country as pure in the matter of race as possible" (King, as quoted in Agnew, 1996, p. 29).... Canadians are proud of the fact that Canada is home to many cultural groups. This feature of our country is officially recognized in section 27. (Government of Canada, 1982, section 2 7  Christopher Columbus, Captain Cook... The British Revolution, the French Revolution, The American Revolution These are the names, words, and events that I have spent an entire week helping my young grade ten cousin memorize for her term-end exams. She can't understand why  467-  she has to learn all these dates and facts. "Why don't THEY let us learn stuff that really matters to us and it's embarrassing when they tell us about Columbus conquering Indians - well what he thought were East Indians. Everyone starts to make fun of the savages and stuff. I hate history, it's embarrassing and they forget that I'm even in the room." Long after the school lessons on Columbus and Cook are forgotten, people retain their historic encounters with difference, read across such two-dimensional spectrums as civilized and savage, West and East, white and black.... These universals then become what people and governments do indeed learn from history. (Willinsky, 1998, p. 246) As long as we, as well-meaning educators, allow marginalized Histories, bodies, cultures, identities to continue to be preserved, presented/absented, named, labelled through EUROcentric perspectives, despite our counter-actions, we are participating in the continuation of the colonialist project. "Maintaining the intuitive, emotional Other under the scientific tutelage of the rational, all-knowing Western Subject is an everlasting aim of the dominant which keeps on renewing itself through a widest range of humanistic discourses." (Minh-ha, 1991, p. 20) Continuing the colonialist curriculum without critically examining its effects on society is a way of surviving -  "irrespons(e)-ably."  Rationalizations such as our inability to  disrupt systemic oppression or the lack of student, parent readiness are viable reasons for maintaining the status quo. These safe im-personations, however, are unethical given our postions of POWer as educators.  (Such strong words. They are much too to be left here in WESTERN academia. Espe by a woman of colour. Surely it will be seen I  uu  serving, won't it? Who will realty believe tha  this is about students suffering colonial wounds  cross-cultural conflicts, the increasing rates of suicides in our schools.... ? Delete, paste,  delete, paste.... the discomfort continues, the History continues...). Carole Christensen (2001), in her keynote address at the second annual conference of Educators Against Racism, challenged educators and community advocates to consider the position that "in a multicultural and multiracial society such as Canada, education for the realities of...diversity is a human rights issue" (p. 2). Through her presentation she highlighted the ways in which human rights have been violated in Canadian history - a history about which most of Canadian society knows very little the unknown, unspoken history of our MultiCULTural Nation. In the Canadian Multiculturalism Act, the Muluculturalism Policy of Canada states: It is declared to be the policy of the Government of Canada to recognize the existence of communities whose members share a common origin and their historic contributions to Canadian society, and enhance their development. (Government of Canada, 1985, p. 3) As educators, it is our moral and ethical responsibility to unplan the MANdated curriculum to include accurate re-presentation of the Histories of marginalized groups, including their contributions to the building of the Canadian "Nation."  (Aside: And what  the world has made of scholarship).  Students need to see what science made of race and what orientalist scholars made of the East. These particular contributions to the formation of identity continue to affect their lives. An education in the arts and sciences needs to include what scholarship has made of the world. (Willinsky, 1998, p. 247) Tw  The History of exclusion needs to be acknowledged in our teaching, even if the dominant society considers it unnecessary, so that all students are informed. "Lack of knowledge often breeds resentment, and perhaps even contempt, for those who supposedly never contributed anything to the building of this country" (Christensen, 2001, p. 4), and who now have been seen to have "special rights" through programs such as affirmative action and equity... Absent identities require not only Institutional space, but also Institutional presence. As a result of the History of race and class exploitation many marginalized people have been denied the right and privilege to develop intellectually or to participate equally in Canadian society. Despite policies of affirmative action and claims of a MultiCULTural Country, there is almost a complete absence of people of colour and minorities from the Canadian public arena. We need to examine not only this absence, but also the impact of this violent erasure on multiple generations of younger people of colour. In a university course that I recently taught, three women of colour in the class commented (in their reflection papers) on how I was the first instructor of colour in their entire educational experience. They discussed how they felt that their struggles of racism and exploitation had been" truly understood for the first time." They also mentioned a greater awareness "of the need and possibility to further [their] education." Their comments also indicated recognition of the importance of education in dismantling the POWer imbalance in society. They shared feelings of empowerment and embodied understandings of their active role in personal and societal transformation - "something that [they] did not think of as a possibility before." Two of these students have now applied for the Master's program... I am reminded of how I also was only able to imagine the possibility of continuing my education as a result of two very caring and encouraging professors. Institutional members who were aware that I as a "woman of colour" needed to be encouraged to 470  see the possibilities of how things could be different. In a hostile, exclusive world, it is difficult for many immigrant families and minorities to believe that non-traditional roles or positions of importance are viable realities for them. Inclusive curricular change and accurate representation alone is not enough to dismantle the POWer imbalance in our society. Educators also need to work hard to encourage those in the margins to think about their lives in an active way where they begin to real/ize that they have an important role in society and in societal transformation even if all the messages that they are receiving tell them different/ly. VOICES OF C H A N G E  Creating committees Writing MRNdates Designing  Material  Organizing Fiue Year Plans Developing  Board Policies  Lectures  Reviews Reports  Projects Programs  Who is present?  Jromtfiis performanc "Within a single generation, we are witnessing the ioss of half of humanity's social, spiritual and intellectual legacy." (Davis, 2002, p. All)  474-  to%  littMiti  "Writing tBat refuses an assignoBBeposition is disturBing. chooses the intervalspace, the Between, the in-Between, andthat zvorfe in thepBace ofotherness." (Cvcous & CaKe- gruBer, 1997, p.  472-  Ceci nest pas un Haiku Unreliable words Fact/Fiction adding hierarchies of gender, class, Arbitrarily, ambiguously, "unknowingly" Ineffable, unpronounceable Chosen by THEM and Them "unconsciously"  colour  Solf/othor in THEIR institutions and in their CULTures MASTER metaphors, MASTER signifiers POWerfully standing in for the iive(ed) thing dominating and totalized Pewer/Kno wl odae Unquestionable, uninterruptable, unseeable uncreatable Necessary MANmade illusions Prooonoo/Aboonoo Ludic mirrors playing categorical games idontity/othornooo Maintaining uninterruptable metaphors. The spaces in between unknowable noQlity/llluoion La trahison des images This non-haiku was inspired by Dr. Ted Aoki's lectures on Metonymy and the guest visit of Aristides Gazetas's to Dr. Ted Aoki's EDCI - 565A class in the winter of 2000.  Personal Transformation Knowledge of one's personal locations, experiences and histories allows for empowerment, action, and personal transformation. Personal transformation leads to societal transformation. 4-7-4-  The Landscape of Being Properly Improper But am I even a real feminist? I certainly don't look" like one or so they say. What is all my adornment about? Could it be resistance to cultural and societal demands? Protest to all that is dark within me? Elimination of purity and all that it symbolises in order to allow myself to be impure? Could the mascara, the eyeliner, the rouge, the powder, the lipstick, the jewellery, the clothes really mean all this or is it simply adornment for the approval and attention of men? Or is it both? Can one adorn oneself each morning and then look at the reflection in the mirror and say I am a feminist? What is the reaction of others? Especially other feminists? "I am a feminist" -- silence. "I am a feminist" - shock. Why is there always the "proper" and who determines it? There is the "proper" Punjabi daughter, the "proper" Punjabi daughter-in-law, the "proper" Punjabi mother, the "proper" Punjabi mother-in-law, the "proper" Punjabi wife, and even the "proper" Punjabi widow. And in my experiences, there is the "proper" Indo-Canadian woman, the "proper" minority woman, the "proper" teacher, the "proper" vice-principal and there seems to be the "proper" feminist. I have always felt excluded from all of these groups, not because of my actions, but because of the many often silent re-actions. Tangled in the Terrains Trying to translate and re-translate and re-retranslate the tangled terrains in order to determine my own space within THEIR and Their confines. The curtains open, but I am no longer just looking upon, suddenly I am also in the play. The actress playing the other part ~ the improper part. Writing poetic-language-writing-contradictionsdisobediently. Knowing the rules and knowing the injustices of those rules. Flying out momentarily somewhere in the beyond and then returning only to begin again improperly in the next act. In the next play. Tangled in a marginalized existence in between two landscapes under the close scrutiny of two CULTures and the one in the beyond.  47-5-  Pathani ehnu ki hogia. Ethe mummy daddy ne anu changi thama palia. Kami atha kitha sochan lugpay. The bia the non bini lainthi. She WQO brought up in / tho moot protective and rootriotivo j proper Indian environment. y How did oho ovor otart thinking thio fominioi nonoonoo And otill not morriod.  How could she be a feminist? Just look at her adorned in make-up and jewellery. They stare at her and she loves attention.  Puzzling the Pieces "Properly" She picks up the dis/placed pieces of her fineness, of her immorality, of her resistance, the celestial light, the improper Punjabi woman, the proper-improper feminist,, ... the teacher, the French/English teacher, the English/French teachev - ' the vice-principal, the teaching vice-principal, the vice-principajing teacher. All the pieces flying and whirling into de-cDonstructive* chaos. Self-creating the selves, the selves creating, and created and recreating. She tries desperately to run after them and ahead^df them and around them, to catch them and hold theprf down. To gather them, colonize them, rule them. To fit them all together in their "proper ' marginalized hybrid places, But each time, the spaces'have changed once again from one CULTure to another, to the other. „. -."Praying them into proper places. ^. . '" Dreaming them into decent directions. Negotiating them into kneaded niches. The pieces refuse relentlessly. She catches the corners and dangles them into some darkened doorway dropping them into abysmal depths never to be rediscovered again. Not even by the Keepers of the Laws. The deviating pieces dutifully destroyed. The unidentifiable constructed and re-constructing identities conveniently erased. The remains for THEM and Them to place with "proper" pride I am a proper-improper Punjabi woman I am a proper-improper vice-principal I am a proper-improper feminist 1  Trying carefully to unfit my-selves improperly into "proper" predetermined places.  Rooting out the "Real" unrooted, unrooting, uprooted Me//me I hide but THEY/They keep looking for me, for her, for the other, for the "real" Me//me. THEY/They do not want Me at all and yet they want all of me. They/THEY want the unforeign Me. THEY/They want the foreign me. THEY/They want the unforeignly-foreign Me//me. THEY/They want only a part of Me, only a half of me, only a third of me. Not realising that there are many of me parted in many parts of Me. v  All similarly different an^ yet all differently the same. Most days the "right" and''proper" me appears in the "right" and "proper place. But some days there is a mistake, an error.^some indecision, some confusion, some amnesia, some resistance ^-even.  .  .  Exhausted, unnegotiating, political, playful, the "proper" me sends the "improper" Me. Or the "improper" sends the "proper." Where is she they ask? O kithe ha? Ou est-e//e? Who are you? We don't want you! Thou kan he? Go away! Send back the other one - the "real" one, the "true" one, the "proper" one. The stronger one, the weaker one, The more Western one, the more Eastern one. . The Indc-canadian one, the Can-indian one. The minority womarvthe French/English teacher, the vice-principal, the feminist, s  -the "proper" Punjabi daughter. The proper"-improper-Puhjabi-minority-feminist, English/French teacher, B  French/English teacher-teaching vic»->inGipaJ-yice-pri^cipaling-teacher-daughter. I hide, she hides, the other hides, they hide, we hide hopeful/le$s/ly. in empty exile, from the expectations, the restrictions, the control, the POWer. ^ . . . The perceived POWer, the POWerlessness, the POWerful/less/ness. Of THEIR CULTure, and Theirs Trying endlessly to selfish/less/ly re-stabiize un-separately in a strangely-familiar "unhoming," unsettling, semi-lingual space in the rdtf l l T ? ^ beyond Kithe uther gahan au-dela 47-7-  Tf#*4&*u!n0 herders, km*  This is Jnyjourney A journey which was, many years ago, p fannedas a journei around the worBdBecame ajourney through dar/(signif zrs on a whitaBandscape. (PBaying in, around, through and off Betters, words, Bangqages, pages, tBe BaByrintB oftBis Body, out oftBe BaByrinth of the Body But always and never in the safe/unsafe Bimits of a. now whiteepredeterminekBandscape. TraveBBing in and out of spaces, theories, narratives, yet never\quite arriving.  In aBCthis tension, a nBiguity, rage and6etrayaB, where identittesare interrupted, imposed , displaced, mis/tafen, aBsent,pt forming, resisting, changing, unchanging, rechanging• inside/outsidepost modern...post coBoniaB....B/ordej(s, one wiBBperhaps Be Bed to asfc "WBat is the pedq^ in aBBthese transgressions?" SI more appropriate question, however, ma^ Be: "Where is the pedagogy?'' as *Dr. 9(aren Meyerpo s\d in a (Ph®. defence jfhat I attended in 2002. The question "Wha ts\thepedagogy?" demands a correct anszver, afiBBing in ofthe BBanB^ a Electing offof either one<frthe other, reBativwn, universaBism, ethnic aBsOi utism — a right answer to which a "passport" isgiven. "Where is thepedagogy?" on the r  1  hand, assumes oneadready has apassport andthereforedt is a qtjestion of experiences, st^uggBes, Bis/her/stories, of reciprocity, of fluidity 'muBtipBicity -- open doors, open Borders, open spaces, openness. Dpen, transgressing, tran\gressaBBepedagogy is "qompBicateda zdagogy" ind it is dangerouspedagogy — there is aBways tension in not / nowing the I enemy, the alien, theimmigrant at the B/orders. The stranger \  478-  without the appropriate identity papers, without the^appropriate identification/'But in the tension andamBiguity there ts^also excitement andpossiSjiities for transformation. \lessytjige\is a transformative journey of amBiguity, tension\fis!%uption, resistdnce...in and through the Body. transformative in/quky that can Be Bejst understood tBrougB the transformations — the sBifts, tBe opening of 6yorders to explore the empty/unempty spaces. In inquiringdnto the selves, the im-person-ating selves wounded((ess)ly transform ai tBey perform and tBrougB their active contradictory transg ormance\comes awareness oftheir/miffolep in the transformation of modern, cofonial :  society. fr. Lynn g*ls (1999) states: "Our cBotte of researcB metBodologyfor irldsBapes and is sBapedBy our understanding ofour world, h\w we lekrn, Bow we live. [It] reflects and is a reflection ofour questions and ojk way of living" (p. 12Sf  our  e^eTiencejfiny histories; it is my moral geography. It is the passports matlBave Beengiven, the visas permitt Simwirly\my  re/search\is my  the B/orders closed, the Borders crossed..  \  ^  is is theatre — the art bfloofing at ourselves. The Theafre of the Opfaessed ik theatre in this> archakfipplication ty^the w\rd. In this usatfe, all human Beings are Ret act!) andSpectators (tBey oBsewef). They -ftctors.... Theatrb is aform of fyowledge; it andcan also Be a means of trams-forming '<hoal, 1992, pp.  vcttWQV)  Myfpurney is not only research theorj/, performance 6ut aCso of^n\atre'\- activism. Multi-layerddtransformations where tk transforming selves use themselvefas an instrument ofdeconst decolonization, and transformation — the selves studying the s transforming themselves as tBey transform andco-transform e andacaaemia. Transforming to resist and transgress theSorde conventionaXways ofdoing research in academia andtf engage responsiBilijydf^tivisninot only in the text ofthedage, But also te?(ts ofme Body^thefexts ofeducation, tBe texjsofacademia, oftB/aominant discpurses....the texts ofwBo/we\ire, Bow 'we' ie' sBouldlive....ftBe texts of privilege, thetexts of$0'Wer. Transformation in tBis way is disruptive 6ut, not in a destruct rather it is aBout Being andBe-comingcreativelyforpersonal, so politicalactivism My researcB i^lfrrveals, disrupts andTYfrnagi other zMyspf6eing in researclyandin tBe\vorld. '"Words Brthg intpweina'' My activism isAny life. It doehwt Begin or endoh fiages But willevolve and/continue after tBis tbet is written.  %lyj/erformative acti/ism\is an in/vitation toyou/nw readers me in to my Journey andto ryfad, re-readandre-rereadandrewriteyour o in order to continife to transform the wor(l)dof^nowleage and ps I have learned andunlearnedto do. 'Dwelling in tBisffanger ' ofvoice, we discover pain, awareness, friowledge, Bealing, ag possiBilitiesfor solidarity and personal, social, andpoliticdf transformafion. \ \  Transformation is also not afinisBedproject. It is an on-going transforming andco-transformativeprocess in constant transfo WBajI name/unname \ Transformative inquires not a metBodol It is an a ntation or a practice. It is a sBift ofconsciousness tBat fl-  +80  dramaticaffy<jindpermanentfy afters our way ofveiny in the wor re/search tiat is definedby co-creating a more equitdhfe worfdo awareness, mutuaf empathy, mutuafrespons(e)-a6ifity mutuaf empowerment. MutuafI%£\f£!%standing ofaffour re fattens. s  Such a shift involves our understanding ofourskCv self-location; our relationships with other huma is the naturalworCd; our understanding of relations in interCocf^ing structures of class, race and gend body awarenesses; our visions of alternative appr living; and our sense ofppssihifities for socialJusti peace andpersonal joy. (O'SuCCivan, 20p2, p. 11)  (Invitation iette/jo^te^  <ige 185)  TmitsjbiTnativehiqmry / A personal embodiedJourney _ ;  Critical Questioning - remember mg  *****  Action  -disRuption -reimag(e)ining  *This map re-presents a personal journey and is not meant to be a universal model. For further information please see texts beginning on the bottom of page 32.  "Everything co-exists....To be is to inter-be." (Hanh, 1988, p. 4)  Uncoding the colour coc WHITEness is deceiving colo heating through disruption s\ i f c M E O R Y vs. real/i/ties MulticulturalISM ^ L ^ L H %  1  TRANSCULTURALISMS  difference b  o  r  d  e  r  s b  r  i  d  g  e  s  location^ lived curriculum silont subtoxts  yNJH Colonial wound transgenerational discomfort  KODA Kota/koti  XL,*/*  responsibility  rranscM/tMra/rt3^| TraoiscyltyrCeJil/l/ties -%>%i  Conversations Main other conversations... £>earkst readier, I zvish I could re fUgthefhtire conversationforyou...  \  It waj a conversation that Began Between my  colleague\anddearfriend  J(adi(Purru  andmyseBf after attending a conference at the University  (British CoBumBia in feBruary, 2002. Ihe conference grou ndBreakingproject  was\considereda  on TranscuBturaBisms. It was ent itBed:  (Minmings: (Between, Among and WitBin 9(adtand I BadsBaredmany  "Cultural  Cultures."  wonderfulconversations  dkring, after and of  course tjetore tne conference. In j/act we always seemed to seeing  of  findoursefves  eacB other out to tatfajbout cuBturaBissues, mce reBations,  colonialism,  "Canadianness, 7Borne, identity andBfBongingness....I  was  aBways amazbdfit Ber fetopledge, wisdom ana/awareness of marginalizatio*  (POWer....especiallyfor  in many ways,\to faparf^BtBe  dominant cuBturc.OnepaneBdiscussion  particuBar stjirtea\ us tBinfengjtbout andeyefi  untiBnow  someone wBo seemed  tBii chapter, aBtBougB at the time  we weife not fuBBy kware ofijts impact or tBat it  would Bead us to disrupt deademic isolation andpursueajourney coBBaBorative  into a  diss^aHonchapter..*  After reading the tjit/e of tBepaneBpresentation, Began to imagine crossings, the  in  "Contact Zones," we  themterminglings 'hat wouldtafeplace, cro^-culturalconvafsa\ions....  the Border-  4B5-  aBout a very^personaBheading Thefirst panJfist, (Rpsalyn Ing,  journey ofthe residentialschoole. 9lerpresentation, entitled identialScBooland '"Dealing WithShame and Unresolved Trauma: H(t  its Impact on the 2ndand3rdgeneration Adults,)' included pers  stories andsong andshe discussedshame, unresolved trauma an  intergeneratwnglaspects of J^ow individuafsandsociety movefo This wasfolLwedBy Ann !I^apladwho sharedkpaper entitled  "Traumatic C ontact Zones." Taplan used imag&s and film to s  apossiBle spqcefor the representation ofinter/intraculturalexch  Through colonialandpost-polonialtheoriesofdontact, her presen  attemptedtqhtyfifight trauma andreconcduwbn in the Australia  content. In the post-coloi lialsection of her presentation, 2(apl Traceyftijoffatt'simages^mtitled "Lgdaanum yf master-slave  the^LnSTE^ is w)alfeng down a very large  spiralstop-case to punish her slave. The slave  the stairszvith her Body curled tightly into thjefloor. This imag  to haunt mefcpen today, perhaps Because l/felt tBat the audie  given enoubhprejraratiofy Before it appeared on the immense s us andperhaps Because^esidepte^sat a BBa cBi woman...  The laskpresentation, BJEBspeth 'ProByn, ztyas entitled "SBam I  KJ\J  Strangely." ElfpetBproposedan analytics ofshame to meet the  oftransculwration. In one part ofherpresentation she reada po  thefirst person) Mich appeared to he written 6y an ah originalw  without giving us any details ofthe content. Shegave credit to  grandmother — a white woman who wrote the poem tafin\on t  e?cpertence, Body andshame ofan ah originalwomen. The ma  thepi em zvas sharedseemedsomewhat manipulative andc ultu }  inappropriategiven the content ofherpresentation and the pane her.  tenter shared her Mividiialpresentation andtjhen the res  thanked the speakers andinvtbddquestions. The presentation e  *'panelendedwithout any interminglings amongst t  panelists, withou^any Border crossing By the p/nelists, without culturalconversjati an^. 1% lively discussipmfollowedas was  after eacB session, 6ut inatvufual<fuejdon\s were directedat in  presenterSyfydivu\ual((uestu^(sfor indi^ualpiesenters witBout  to£&t£rinto the thindspace(?fthe in-Behween. Thefntermingling amBiguous, danger  ofimposswilities rather than^Be conventi  e?rpert spaces ofan swers, soi nces.... This is where our c continuing. Zlnaideto  andmine) continues andhas Been '^ginning, we start somewhere in  Mutualit r is transforming strength\ it e tables us to expknd beyond particular contingent interests to perspicuoi sly recognize who our broadei allies are; who, oeyond our immedi< te group membership and identifica ion, we share political interests and values with; who we can bi lild coalition withl.. We must be; ble to transcend our particiljla -ities by seeking toyunderstand differ 2nt, opposing positions. (Nguyen, 2000, p. 1%)  \  This kind of i onnected relational practice encourages great awakeness, innerstahding and connections. It is the coura je to pursue a vision of transformation through co-connectedness, The classroom and qur research doe; not exist merely as a space to educate, but also as aplace to co-inspire and co-create critical and c instant thought and actions. '  '  Conversational jcnaos Transcultural  chaos  Conuersational Transcultural  chaos  What emerged is a Qa^^trO-JD^On of  complex  honest intersecting  n  transcultural e  cross-cultural m [ n 9  Sord^-conpersations \  g  \  \  \  \  m the Boundaries of the seCfand other where CimikaCunfvted\muftip(e f  identitiesper(un)form,  inter-pCai/ in difference, id conversation.  (Invitation (etter to iBe reader contitiuedot/page204) +89-  %adi's perspective on our coming together in the in-6et(we)en to share in dissertation journey.  Dear Reader, I met Hartejfirstduring the summer course on hermeneutics in the Center for the  Curriculum and Instruction given by a visiting professor. For three weeks we we  close-reading Gadamer's Truth and Method. During the breaks, Ifound myself talk  young woman, who I learned, was a part-time Ph.D. student and a French immers  and a school vice-principal. I underline here her professional belongingness becau  appearance subverts how vice-principal and perhaps even French immersion teach "stereotypically " look.  I also learned that she was thinking about writing her dissertation autohiogr  don't remember how I learned about her Punjabi background, but I do remember  conversations revolved around "multiculturalis. " Later Hartej and I began looking  opportunities to continue our conversations which have happened through differe  as conferences. After committing to write a chapter-conversation which would be  both Hartej's and my dissertational texts, we postponed our common writing ende we did not know where to begin.  One day in the middle of December, 2002, in a library, I came upon the follo texts/lines:  Racial mixture in one form or another has always been a part of the world's history, as has intertribal mixing. Indian tribes traditionally had mechanisms for dealing with the difference between people with respect before the white man's oppression. Now, those mechanisms flounder in a sea of uncritical multiculturalism.  +90  Africans and Indians are fundamentally tribal people, indigenous to the earth. Their blending only strengthens what they already are, if they remain true to their essence. Blacks and Indians who uncritically persist in looking at each other through the white man's eyes only undermine themselves. (Phillips, 2002, p. 383-384)  The passages came from the article, written by Valerie J. Phillips and entitled "Seeing  Each Other through the White Man's Eye: Reflections and Commentary on the Eating Out of th  Same Pot, Black Indian Conference at Dartmouth College." It formed the epilogue of the boo Confounding the Color Line: The Indian-Black Experience in North America. 2002. The text ended with the line:  "Pushing past the white man, I can see it through my own eyes."  (my holding, p. 383,)  Lingering in midst of the lines communicating the uneasy relationships between Black and Indigenous communities and peoples within the society dominated by "white man's"  rulings, I began to wonder, how do Hartej and I look at each other? Through whose eyes do look at and see each other? I decided to share this question with Hartej.  494  un/ending . January 16,2003, late afternoon. The University of British Columbia, Hartej and Kadi during a meeting in the graduate student lounge of the Centre for the Study of Curriculum and Instruction.  Hartej, I don't even know where to begin, there are so many uneasy thoughts/feelings in my he and mind regarding the multicultural/transcultural realities we experienced together yesterday... 1 RECALL the gathering of teachers, students, educators, activists, researchers, artists, pedagogues at Magee Secondary School for the screening/discussion of the anti-racist and antihomophobic videos prepared by the group of high-school students under the aegis of AMES (Access to Media Education Society). I RECALL the powerful impact of both films on me, the impact of sincerity of students' voices, multiplicity of the perspectives, interweaving of real stories and artistic creativity into the complex and disturbing film text/ure. I RECALL the images of multiculturalism from the film...a scene of bullying of a young fragile looking fellow by two bull-like heavy lads who humiliate him on the basis of his homosexuality and Jewishness tying him to the pole of the Canadian flag. I RECALL the Finnish expression tihe tiihjus — approximating (in English) "tense emptiness" — articulating more adequately than any English wording the deep silence in the hall loaded with the utter discomfort after we had watched thefirstfilmRacism for Reel: Media for Change. Kadi, although I am very grateful to Dr. Graeme Chalmers for creating a rare academic space for uncomfortable multicultural/transcultural discussions, my body was shaking from so many of the troublesome comments: The white woman behind us: "But it's not just people of colour who are looked at suspiciously by security guards, it's about how you dress. I've had security guards look at me too sometimes."  ±92  The white male to our right: "Racism doesn't happen just between whites and students of colour. Students of colour all call each other names as well." The white male to our left: "In our school there are more students of colour so the white students are actually a minority." The white woman in front of us: "But when you try to help, they ask you to leave...." I'm sure people in the audience countered some of these ignorant and destructive comments, but all I remember is the silence inside me and a  l  l  a  r  o u  n  d  m e  / RECALL thinking that I have to accept their mistrust. I have the obligation to "inn  you, Hartej, put it, transforming the verb "understand" in such a meaningful way of the bleeding colonial wound. I have the obligation to try again and again. ..and again. ..endlessly. ..to relate in hope of building connections.  I RECALL myself becoming aware of our (in/direct) ties with the colonial legac  RECALL myself feeling the personal responsibility for the racism in our society and o  Kadi, I must admit that my body shook intensely as I heard a white woman in the audience informing us of how upset she was because she was asked to leave a First Nations gathering. Knowing her and her work, I would have thought that she would have understood. I heard my inner voice saying: You have not innerstood the colonial wound! You needed  to work harder to gain the trust of the community, you needed to go back and let them know how you felt and why you felt that you did notfitinto the category of WHITE as they know it in all its violence and exploitation.  ±93  You didn't work hard enough, you gave up, you left the conversation. When the bridge broke, you went back into your safe zone, you didn't let yourself take the risk and plunge into the water under the bridge ~ into the place of relationality. I wish I had the courage to plunge into those waters myself that evening, but I stayed silent. I noticed that you spoke to her after the presentation, Kadi, but I stayed silent. I suppose I also took the safe route which I believe in these incidences is not a route at all. / RECALL my inability to find words to talk about the issues of the film because the students in the film used the words that had hurt you, Hartej, so much. I RECALL wondering in the midst of the after-film discussion how easily and quickly all multicultural discussions, including those that intend to give space to "other" voices, get dominated by the voices speakingfromor about "white" perspectives.  S I L E N C E inside me a n d a 11 aroundme.  / RECALL myself feeling overwhelmed by conflicting and confusing thoughts on our way home after a long day of living "multicultural" reality...  I tried to innerstand all those comments differently, Kadi, but my mind could not convince my body. How did a conversation that was supposed to be about racism turn into a conversation about WHITE defensiveness? What voices remained silent or silenced and why? Why am I always expecting this kind of defensiveness not to take place, especially in locations where educators and community people are choosing to learn about social justice issues? Why am I always surprised each time these discussions play out in this manner? Why am I always expecting generative discussions toward change? How do we help ourselves and help each other be better people as your earlier thought suggested?  1  9  4  Hartej, I feel the need to look back at our dialogues, to dwell in the reflective space and  ask ourselves: so what? Why do these conversations between us matter? How do they matter? Do they make a difference? To whom? We both felt intrigued by this trendy notion of "transculturalism" circulating in academia instead of multiculturalism. We had a hope that "transculturalism " would provide us with a comfortable "theoretical" home. Instead we ended up dwelling in the discomfort zones in between "THEM"  "US"  "WHITENESS"  "NON-WHITENESS" "TRANSCULTURALISM"  "MUTLICULTURALISM" "REALITIES"  "THEORY" "IDENTITY"  "BRIDGES"  "HOME" "SAFE SPACE" and "WATER BELOW BRIDGES" he wants to keep me like a prisoner Familial transgenerational,  The "proper Punjabi daughter" disgracing His name, His family. transcultural tensions continue  Young teen-age relative in tears. in-between  Give up your rules! You're losing her! i9&  the oppressive realities "NO NEVER." of the outside world THEY will try to teach my child THEIR values and THEIR morals and make me look and the divisive fragmentation like a bad father. of the inner. Looking for an Indo-Canadian counsellor before giving up. Unendable conversations. His cultural values... I feel absolutely helpless. Unendable im/personations. Once the bridge breaks, I will walk away...  Today, Jose and I ended up in a long discussion about whose position is the most disadvantageous in North America? histories of slavery and genocide  Who suffers/has suffered more?  "academic" conversations "personal/family" conversations intermingle How to overcome the victimising categorisations? How to decolonize colonial thinking? endless conversations between myself, my husband, my daughter, my colleagues and my friends anytime and anywhere... / am attached to other cultures through personal responsibility. listen, learn, acknowledge, care, multiple histories, traditions, colonial legacies suffering need not be a necessity of our society Change can not happen at the level of our texts alone; it has to happen in and through the interminglings of our lives as well. intersecting identities . . . homes . . . re-searching belongings transculturally  cross-culturally  ±96  awareness of the complex "transculturality" of our lives - of all our lives reaching out across difference How can we ignore our commitment to community just because our institutions can? our honest safe/unsafe conversations our complex "relocations" How did you "after hundreds of years of being colonized come to be looked at as a colonizer in this country!?" I have felt your pain and your great sense of responsibility, your commitment to building bridges and to taking risks to immerse yourself in the waters below those bridges. You may not be WHITE in all its dominance, but you have taken on all the responsibilities of what that position entails. living relationally . . . I have learned about WHITENESS through your non-WHITENESS. many selves  continuously constructed, deconstructed, reconstructed in spaces of complex "transcultural" intersectionality un/im-personated in this performance . . . I am also a woman of privilege in terms of my "cultural capital" of education and language . . . I can no longer come out pure. I'm not sure anyone can.  Not even my dear grandmother. Although she has come to live with the reality of her granddaughter's British husband, she desperately hopes that none of her other grand-children (especially the educated ones) will marry a Black person or a person with a disability. Like so many in our society (whether one is willing to admit it or not), she has been colonized to believe that blackness and disability will lower one's status on the hierarchal scale of our society and truncate one's educational merit. As her grand-daughter, knowing that she only has the best intentions for me - for my upliftment from marginalization, how do I negotiate with integrity my beliefs in social justice and equity and her cognitive colonization? Who am I to be in all  this troubling complex honest ambiguity? searching for my selves un/settling . . . unsettle-able . . . tremulous  January 18, 2003. Vancouver Peace March. people coming TOGETHER against WAR "It's not about "right" or "left" politics anymore; it's about US AS HUMAN BEINGS!" moments of communality across the multiple ethnic, racial, class, age, gender, religious and political affiliations Is WAR the price we need to pay in order to come together in solidarity, to build bridges difference? struggling in difference building bridges through difference placed in-between home and identity I am beginning to understand why the word home may have been so much more meaningful for you. You have lived in so many different geographical locations.. .1 have lived only in one location since my arrival from India. Divisions of a psychic, cultural, racial, ethnic space between the self/non-self or other I continue to travel ceaselessly between THEIR/Their LANGUAGES POWER RULES CULTURES  INSTITUTIONS HOMES constantly searching for my body,  my mind, my soul, my selves, somewhere in the beyond where I am not, and yet I am  ±9S  kithe uther gahan.  "identity" . . . I haven't grasped its text/ures.  so "foreign" to the Estonian language . . . ident. . . eet. . . dents . . . sus, I don't know...  "home"  smell  colour  sound  home, safety, stability unsettling, unsettle/able foreign space of unbelonging/belongingness India without citizenship  never felt like home/non-home Canadian NATION-BUILDING  racial and ethnic  outsider inside Canada  our cyberhome, a place of dis/comfort an intersectional space, cross-cultural, co-created, co-existing, living "transculturally" in a n o t h e r p l a c e o r i na n o t h e r t i m e w ec o u l d h a v e b e e n e n e m i e s  ...  / am situated between THEM and US, uncomfortably, as always a position of ambiguity and duality and a position of response-ability to build bridges.  But the more I "innerstand" the world from the "Third world," "indigenous, " "non-white,  "subaltern " perspective the more disconnected I become from my home country  The more I try to bridge different cultures, identities, positions, homes the more aware I becom of distances and separations. I don't understand.  199  Why does the process of building bridges involve the heightened awareness of separatednes  How can I build the bridge across the Atlantic Ocean between Estonia, Colombia, Canada  The continuous process of co-creating implies that bridging is an endless response-ability which often requires immersing in the unsafe waters below bridges. Opening spaces and dislocating, relocating, co-locating positions and silent subtext of our daily lives through conversation — unfinished conversation...  Hartej, what is the word for home in Punjabi, in your language ? Remember y  mentioned once a word which sounded much like an Estonian word for ho  KODU . . . KODA.  Yes, please check with your dad...can you look it up in the dictionary? I would be so gratefu  Kadi, I do remember that you once asked me how to say home in Punjabi and somehow our conversation went in another direction. There are actually three words in Punjabi: mekan, kur, and koti/kota. Mekan refers mainly to the actual structure of a residential building.  Kur is the word most closely connected to the word home in English, although it is very much the dwelling of a large extended family. Koti/Kota are the words that sound so similar to the word you once referred to as home in  Estonian. Koti/kota mean both an elegant, spacious home and a house of ill fame or a brothel - a pure/impure home/house.  Hartej, I am...ah, I am stunned, astonished! £oti/kota is so similar to the Finno-Ugrian wor Look, in Estonian home is kodu/koda, in Voitic koto, in Finnish koti, in Livonian kuo'd, in  Karelian and Vepsic kod'i... Who would have expected that Estonian words for home kodu, k  are linguistically closer to Punjabi koti/kota than to Sami goahti - the language from the sam Finno-Ugric linguistic family group.  300  Well, yes, there are differences in meaning, but then the meanings of the words ch  drastically over the years. For example, the word "conversation " meant originally "having  dealings with others" and "manners of conducting oneself in the world," but from the 16  century on "conversation" was used as a synonym for "sexual intercourse" (Harper http://www.etymonline.com/c8etym.htm).  Kodu is one of the most heartfelt words in Estonian language. Koda is its older form. M  ancestor's word for home can also be translated as "hearth." Koda is an old word, the na the modest habitat of the "ancient Finno-Ugric" dwellers: KODA  is a world in the world, a peculiar model of the mysterious universe, a dwelling place in anoth  one. Through the smoke hole the main pillar of the dwelling place faced the North Star, wi  black starry skies around it. The small dwelling-place was in a big one whose smoke-hole ope  in an unreachable height, whose walls were full of holes burnt by sparks and which was ado with Sun and the Moon. This enormous miraculous thing rotated noiselessly round its axis which was also the axis of the dwelling place of the ancient dweller. (Asu-6unas & Kiinnap, 1978)  Kadi, I would also like to share another word in Punjabi that has not had the time or space to find itself into our limited academic/non-academic conversations. The word pechan means identity or recognition. According to the Barnhart Dictionary of Etymology (1988) recognition is "borrowed from Middle French and directly from Latin recognitionem (nominative recognitio) act of recognizing, from recognit-, past participle stem of recognoscere to acknowledge, know again .. ." (p. 896).  Hartej, we too have the word "recognition " in Estonian that we use when we talk about ide  and belonging: ara tundma/ tunnistamaAunnetama. But not only that, recognition in Estonian  includes such meanings as "feeling," "sensing," "knowing" as well as "witnessing "attesting," "cognizing." KODA  KOTA  Ofll  Acknowledging witnessing attesting, cognizing feeling sensing, knowing each other again and again...  You and /, we both come from different cultural narratives. The Canadian "multicultural" contextual framework is "foreign" to our perspective cultural narratives. And as such, it de-  contextualizes other cultural narratives (or as Mignolo would say - "local histories"), including ours, coming together in Canada The Canadian multicultural framework as "global design" (to  use again Mignolo's notion) forces our cultural histories to FIT INTO and to have conversatio WITHIN its own framework. As a global design, Canadian multiculturalism is a dominant and  imposed context/framework where our struggle becomes a struggle about borders/boundaries; inclusions/exclusions. From this perspective I understand why you emphasize the need for DISRUPTIONS. It so asphyxiating to dwell WITHIN imposed boundaries, thus, the need for the cracks in the boundaries/walls in order to breathel We had hoped that the notion of transculturalism would help us to go beyond the framework of  multiculturalism. However, we learned from our conversation that we can take a new theoretical term/notion and we can keep trying other terms/notions as well. But as long as we  keep dwelling WITHIN the same "multicultural" global design, respecting its boundaries, nothing changes because the power relationships we are involved with/in this design are still the  same, domineering and hierarchical. In this framework one is left with two options: to "FIT IN" or to "STAY/GET OUT," but it is impossible to "FIT IN" and "GO BEYOND " at the same time, unless we take the "universalistic" position . . .  We continue our struggles. We continue NOT TO FIT IN. We continue creating alternative contextual spaces, spaces that undermine dominant global designs and transform existing hierarchical academic and cultural relationships.  We continue imagining new spaces - INTERSPACES - emerging through the process of COCREATION where the contextual framework is not a fixed frame but where context comes into being through the reconnection to its Latin roots as "a joining/weaving together." (Harper. http://www.etymonline.com/c8etym.htm)  sib -^f ** 0  jfa>  *yaoo> ~duz*Ls  ~>nfct  A  DEM  THEM  —  //<w\nq  jtA,  j^vaioC  ^^fofat  JajL  Xtt,  fCi  UL-T^usiAs£c0>H'O.j['  t  .  X7  ^/Possible  /be.  SlJL^C4SlA&\ ///,  UsCfc'  yCtr&x£oC....  ^e^7t/U  *c*s4*  ti  06  seTransformative Iniquity — A personal journey Critical questioning - The journey continues...  207  "When you have come to the end, only then can the beginning come to you." (Cixous, 1991, p. 4 7 )  Sources Cited and Consulted Agnew, V. (1996). Resisting discrimination: Women from Asia. 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AREBOTH YOUR PARENTS INDIAN?  In Education.  WHAT DEPARTMENT? The Centre for the Study of Curriculum and Instruction.  DO YOU HAVE A STUDENT CARD?  Yes. Its right here.  . Yes.  WHAT PART OF INDIA? From the North. The state of Punjab.  DID YOU IMMIGRATE HERE? Yes.  WHY HASN'T YOU'RE ADVISOR SEEN THIS?!  SO ARE YOU AN IMMIGRANT?  He has.  No, I'm a Citizen?  DO YOU HA VE A COMMTTTEE?  DO YOU HAVE CANADIAN CITIZENSHIP?  Yes. They have all approved it.  Yes.  WHAT'S THIS. THESE ARROWS?!  WELL YOU REALLY DON'T LOOK PURE INDIAN.  It's text.  (Silence)  WHAT ARE ALL THESE LINES AND BRAIDS??!!  INDIANS USUALLY...  They are a part of the intertext.  I think there might be a "mix" somewhere in my family.  WHAT FOR?  A MIX? WHAT KIND OF MIX? (SILENCE).  (SILENCE)  WE KNEW THERE  WHAT FOR?!  WAS A MIX? WHAT KIND OF A MIX?! SILENCE! WELL I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO WITH THIS. I'LL GET MY SUPER/VISOR, MAYBE HE CAN FIGURE IT OUT. LOOK AT THIS! AND THIS! IT L I K E T H I S !  S H E H A S T O G E T RID O F A L L THIS.  W E CAN'T  TAKE  A N D W H A T ' S THIS STUFF A T T H E B O T T O M ?  They are kind of like subtexts, but they are part of the text.  THESE APPENDICES WILL NEED TO GO AT THE END.  THEY'RE N O T EVEN CLEAR!  224  / don't wont to put anything "outside." They are part of the body and they are mean t to be marked by their History... I DON'T UNDERSTAND WHAT THIS IS ALL ABOUT? WHY THESE TRANSPARENCIES? WHY NOT JUST NORMAL PAPER?  Its about bringing attention to the "transparent" norm and also the idea of blurring, leakage... WELL YOU'LL HAVE TO PUT THEM ON NORMAL PAPER. THIS IS JUST TOO COMPLICATED, I'VE NEVER SEEN ANYTHING LIKE THIS  BEFORE. I THINK WE SHOULD JUST BIND IT AND PUT IT ON THE SHELF. I DON'T SEE THE POINT OF M I C R O F 1 C H I N G SOMETHING LIKE THIS FOR THE NATIONAL LIBRARY. Well actually my committee was very particular about having it included.... Can you just tell me what you will accept? WELL I GUESS WE'LL HAVE TO TAKE IT THEN, BUT ITS NOT EVEN NUMBERED. It is, but I'll re-number it "properly" if you like. What else do I have to change? YOU'LL NEED TO CLEARLY LABEL WHAT IS IMAGE AND WHAT IS TEXT. AND WHAT'S THIS OTHER LANGUAGE HERE, YOU'LL HAVE TO GET RID OF THAT.  It's all text, but okay fine. And the colour? It can stay coloured right? COLOURED?? NO ABSOLUTELY NOT. You mean you don't accept anything coloured? NO NEVER. WELL SOMETIMES A LITTLE COLOUR IS FINE, BUT NOT THE WHOLE  THING. WE'VE NEVER DONE THAT. IT MUST TO BE VERY CLEAR AND . WHITE,  .  225-  

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