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Following unnamed rivers and ruminating on teaching as vocation Scott, Jeanette Elynn MacArthur 1996

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Following Unnamed Rivers and Ruminating on Teaching as a Vocation  by Jeanette Elynn MacArthur Scott M.A., The University of British Columbia, 1985 B.A., The University of British Columbia, 1965  A THESIS SUBMITTED IN PARTIAL FULFILLMENT OF THE REQUIREMENTS FOR THE DEGREE OF DOCTOR OF PHILOSOPHY in THE FACULTY OF GRADUATE STUDIES (Department of Curriculum and Instruction)  We accept this thesis as conforming . > to the required standard  THE UNIVERSITY^ BRITISH COLUMBIA November, 1996 © Jeanette E. M. Scott, 1996  In  presenting this  degree at the  thesis in  University of  partial  fulfilment  of  of  department  requirements  British Columbia, I agree that the  freely available for reference and study. I further copying  the  for ' an advanced  Library shall make  agree that permission for extensive  this: thesis for scholarly purposes may be granted, by. the or  by  his  or  her  representatives.  it  It  is  understood  that  head of copying  my or  publication of this thesis for financial gain shall not be allowed without my written permission.  j \ Department  \^'\ ''' :  of <~—  The University of British Columbia ^Vancouver, Canada ,  Pate  DE-6 (2/88)  ,  '  v  Abstract  The r e s e a r c h w h i c h i s reported i n t h i s text is probably best d e s c r i b e d a s a n interpretive i n q u i r y w h i c h situates itself i n the space between theory a n d practice a n d w h i c h explores the questions:  W h a t do teachers' stories tell u s a b o u t the c a l l of teaching? and H o w does d r a m a help teachers to re-member a n d to tell t h e i r stories?  O r i g i n a l l y i m a g i n e d a s a p h e n o m e n o l o g i c a l s t u d y of t e a c h i n g a s a v o c a t i o n , t h i s project h a s s l i p p e d to the A c h e r o n edge of a c a d e m i c r e s e a r c h and, i n so 1  doing, it h a s b e e n reborn(e) as a tapestry of words.  The f a b r i c of the text i s a n i n t e r t w i n i n g of t h r e a d s of ideas, feelings a n d imaginings, a p u l l i n g out a n d a weaving i n of b i t s of the tangled a n d worn, a p l a y i n g w i t h different textures a n d different tones. T h e c o m m o n t h r e a d s of the warp, c o n s i s t i n g of a series of p e r s o n a l r u m i n a t i o n s o n the emergence, t h e development, the c o m p l e t i o n a n d the i m p l i c a t i o n s of a r e s e a r c h project, l e n d a u n i t y a n d a s t r e n g t h to the piece. T h e weft, w h i c h i n c o r p o r a t e s b o t h o l d y a r n s a n d n e w y(e)arns, i s i n t e n t i o n a l l y a coarse i n t e r w e a v i n g of d a r k a n d light, c o m m o n a n d exotic fibres. A l l of the p a r t s are c o n n e c t e d a s i n a C e l t i c k n o t w i t h the text of the drama, w r i t t e n a s a p r e s e n t a t i o n of the d a t a t h a t - ii -  were collected, at the centre. In part, d r a w i n g u p o n images of the arts; i n part, b o r r o w i n g f r o m Z e n B u d d h i s m the m e t a p h o r of s e a r c h i n g for the b u l l as the s e a r c h for the eternal t r u t h , the whole w o r k suggests t h a t the c a l l of t e a c h i n g emerges f r o m a p o l y p h o n y of voices, t h a t it is h e a r d a n d r e s p o n d e d to i n a s i m i l a r c o n t r a p u n t a l i t y of difference.  In k e e p i n g w i t h the t r a d i t i o n of a n h e r m e n e u t i c circle, the p a r t s are seen w i t h i n the whole a n d the whole w i t h i n the parts. The fabric, as s u c h , is a loose weave so t h a t spaces are p r o v i d e d w h e r e i n the reader is i n v i t e d to r e a d i n a n d write o u t or write i n a n d r e a d out whatever q u e s t i o n s or a n s w e r s t h a t s/he i n t u i t s h i d d e n a m o n g the threads.  - iii -  T A B L E OF CONTENTS  ABSTRACT  ii  T A B L E OF CONTENTS  iii  ACKNOWLEDGEMENTS  v  PRELUDE  1  T H E F I R S T R U M I N A T I O N (On S e e k i n g the Question)  2  IN T H E D E S E R T (A Re-Searching the Re-Searcher)  16  T H E S E C O N D R U M I N A T I O N (On the W i s d o m of the Fool)  23  J O U R N E Y I N G U P T H E C R O O K E D R I V E R (Stories of the Past) ..  27  T H E T H I R D R U M I N A T I O N ( O n Hermeneutics)  36  H O L Y D U S T (Still M o r e Stories)  48  T H E FOURTH RUMINATION  50  ( C o n c e r n i n g Vocation)  D I S C O V E R I N G T H E F O O T P R I N T S (Of C o m p a n i o n s a n d T h e i r Stories)  56  T H E F I F T H R U M I N A T I O N (On the U s e of D r a m a )  65  T H E M U S I N G S O F T H E D U C K S ( A Text for Readers' Theatre) ... 7 7 T H E S I X T H R U M I N A T I O N (On Obligation)  104  THE CHIRRING OF THE LOCUSTS  122  ( C o m p a n i o n s Reflect)  T H E S E V E N T H R U M I N A T I O N ( O n Possibilities)  139  B E S I D E T H E S E A (The Re/searching)  157  T H E E I G H T H R U M I N A T I O N (Still M o r e Questions)  163  REPRISE  168  NOTES  169  BIBLIOGRAPHY  175  APPENDIX A  R e q u e s t for E t h i c a l Review  192  APPENDIX B  Certificate of A p p r o v a l  197  APPENDIX C  Introductory Letter  198  APPENDIX D  S a m p l e Interview Q u e s t i o n s  199  - iv -  APPENDIX E  A p p l i c a t i o n for F u n d i n g  200  APPENDIX F  Letter of S u p p o r t  201  APPENDIX G  Letter of I n v i t a t i o n  202  APPENDIX H  Consent Form  203  APPENDIX I  Personal Communication  204  APPENDIX J  M e m o r a n d u m to A c t o r s  210  APPENDIX K  I n v i t a t i o n to T e a c h e r s  211  APPENDIX L  Programme  212  APPENDIX M  E x c e r p t f r o m Conference S c h e d u l e  213  APPENDIX N  Ko-jo no t s u k i  214  APPENDIX O  T h e Gate f r o m the Nitobe M e m o r i a l Garden..  215  -v-  ACKNOWLEDGEMENTS  A t the h e a r t of t h i s o w n i n g i s the k n o w i n g t h a t there are m a n y f r i e n d s a n d colleagues w h o have encouraged me, challenged me a n d p l a y e d w i t h me o n t h i s journey. A s I r e r e a d the work, I feel the presence of S h i r l e y K o l e s z a r a n d D i c k Hibberd; I h e a r the l a u g h t e r of L y n n e Courtney, D a v i d P a u l a n d W a y n e H a n s o n , t h e m u s i c of B o b Drage, J i m Inkster a n d gary r a s b e r r y a n d I h e a r the voices of C a r l Leggo, D a v i d K e l l u m a n d a l l of the others w h o s h a r e d t h e i r stories a n d p e r f o r m e d the p l a y i n Powell River a n d i n Tennessee. I also h e a r the questions a n d the w o r d s of encouragement a n d g u i d a n c e of the m e m b e r s of m y advisory committee. I a m m o s t grateful to T e d A o k i , C a r l Leggo, G a a l e n E r i c k s o n a n d L i n d a Peterat for l e a d i n g me to a place w h e r e I a m b e g i n n i n g to h e a r the l o c u s t s c h i r r i n g . F i n a l l y , I a m t h a n k f u l t h a t the Creator provided me w i t h the gifts of a g l o r i o u s s u m m e r i n w h i c h to write a n d a s p l e n d i d b e a c h o n w h i c h to w a l k a n d be filled w i t h the S p i r i t of W i s d o m .  - vi -  Prelude  In the pasture of this world, I endlessly push aside the tall grasses in search of the bull Following unnamed rivers, lost upon the interpenetrating paths of distant mountains, My strength failing and my vitality I cannot find the bull.  exhausted,  I only hear the locusts chirring through the forest at night  "The Search for the Bull"  2  by  Kakuan  The First Rumination (On S e e k i n g the Question)  T h e teacher "is the teaching." I remember those w o r d s so clearly a n d I r e m e m b e r the i m p a c t t h a t they h a d o n me for I h e a r d t h e m at a time w h e n I w a s s t r u g g l i n g to f i n d a n escape f r o m the classroom. Yet, I w a s s u f f i c i e n t l y m o v e d b y Professor T e d Aoki's opening address to the B r i t i s h C o l u m b i a Teachers' F e d e r a t i o n Conference o n Q u a l i t y E d u c a t i o n i n V a n c o u v e r i n 1 9 8 6 t h a t I c a m e away n o t o n l y w i t h the courage to c o n t i n u e t e a c h i n g b u t , moreover, w i t h a deeper u n d e r s t a n d i n g of the r e l a t i o n s h i p between the teacher a n d t h e teaching. S i n c e t h a t time I have read a n d listened to others suggest t h a t those w h o w a n t to teach s h o u l d have a n u n d e r s t a n d i n g of the self (Bowman, 1990: 39; Lortie, 1975: 79) but, more often t h a n not, I have f o u n d t h a t the focus of e d u c a t i o n a l r e s e a r c h a n d of teacher e d u c a t i o n h a s b e e n o n the w o r k of t e a c h i n g a n d o n the w a y s of p r e p a r i n g i n d i v i d u a l s for t h i s w o r k r a t h e r t h a n o n the p e r s o n w h o teaches. In u n d e r s t a n d i n g something so intensely p e r s o n a l a s teaching, it i s c r i t i c a l we k n o w s o m e t h i n g a b o u t the p e r s o n the teacher is. (It) seems self-evident, commonsensical... b u t the fact r e m a i n s t h a t we s t i l l have a n underdeveloped literature o n the personal, b i o g r a p h i c a l a n d h i s t o r i c a l aspects of teaching. (Goodson, 1992: 234)  In r e s p o n d i n g to w h a t I r e a d as a challenge f r o m Ivor Goodson, I designed a  s t u d y t h a t w o u l d invite teachers to tell stories a b o u t themselves a n d t h e i r sense of a c a l l to teaching, one t h a t w o u l d reveal s o m e t h i n g a b o u t the n a t u r e of t e a c h i n g t h a t p r e v i o u s l y m i g h t have b e e n left out.  The w o r k b e g a n w i t h the question: W h a t are the lived experiences of teachers w i t h a sense of v o c a t i o n to teaching? T h e language i s t h a t of phenomenology; it suggests a "traditional p h i l o s o p h i c s e a r c h for u n i v e r s a l essences w i t h i n experience" (Willis, 1991: 180), p e r h a p s even the p r o d u c t i o n of a p u r e d e s c r i p t i o n of the p u r e m e a n i n g of p u r e teaching. It suggests a s t u d y w h i c h gathers data, s o r t s data, places some stories - for the p h e n o m e n o l o g i s t does v a l u e n a r r a t i v e - i n the m a r g i n s a n d some at the centre. It suggests a s e a r c h for answers, a getting to the t r u t h , a j o u r n e y into d i s t a n t m o u n t a i n s to m i n e the f r a g m e n t s of c o m m o n experience f r o m the s e d i m e n t s of self.  I m u s t confess t h a t w h e n I b e g a n the work, I a n t i c i p a t e d s u c h answers; a n s w e r s t h a t I c o u l d share w i t h others so t h a t m y t r u t h c o u l d have its i n f l u e n c e o n others, p e r h a p s even those i n h i g h places, places of decisionm a k i n g . M y answers, I presumed, c o u l d change the w o r l d - or, at least m y p a r t of the world.  W h a t I h a d failed to realize w a s t h a t it w a s I w h o needed to change; I w h o needed to see, to hear, to u n d e r s t a n d the t r u t h present i n me, p r e s e n t i n m y teaching, present i n m y other selves a n d present i n t h e i r teaching. Yet,  there I w a s a b o u t to set off o n a n o t h e r j o u r n e y where a g a i n I w o u l d become entangled i n the t a l l grasses, i g n o r i n g the c h i r r i n g of the l o c u s t s i n m y s e a r c h for w h a t h a d never b e e n lost.  Nan-in, a Japanese master during the Meiji era received a university professor who came to inquire about Zen. Nan-in served tea. He poured his visitor's cup full, then kept on pouring.  and  The professor watched the overflow until he could no longer restrain himself. "It is over-full. No more will go in!" "Like this cup," Nan-in said, "you are full of your own opinions and speculations. How can I show you Zen unless you first empty your cup?" (Reps, 1970:  19)  It took some t i m e for me to begin to free myself f r o m the o p i n i o n s a n d s p e c u l a t i o n s w h i c h h a d b e e n c o n s t r a i n i n g me, m i s l e a d i n g me, interfering w i t h the research process.  F o r t u n a t e l y , a s I struggled to choose the best p a t h for m y j o u r n e y ,  I also  b e g a n to reconsider the q u e s t i o n w h i c h w o u l d guide m y work. I realized t h a t h i d d e n w i t h i n w h a t I h a d envisioned to be a neatly-wrapped p a c k a g e w a s a nest of questions, s e m a n t i c m o n s t e r s w h o h i s s e d a n d w r i t h e d so i n c e s s a n t l y t h a t I w a s forced to loosen the ties t h a t were b i n d i n g the work, r e s t r a i n i n g me.  What s l i t h e r e d out a n d gave b i r t h to Where a n d Who, Why a n d How.  Live(d) experience enfleshed herself a n d rattled a warning, r e - m i n d i n g m e t h a t so l o n g as the storyteller tells the story of any experience, i t i s alive. S u c h experience lives a g a i n a n d again, transformed, t r a n s f o r m i n g . (Strange t h a t I, a n a c t o r a n d teacher of literature a n d the d r a m a t i c arts, h a d b e e n u n a w a r e t h a t w h a t i s t r u e i n the theatre i s t r u e also i n life.)  The "s" w o u n d a n d u n w o u n d itself, c i r c l i n g a n d e n c i r c l i n g m e w i t h the faces of teachers w h o m I h a d k n o w n a n d not k n o w n , those w h o m I h a d b e e n a n d not been, seen a n d not seen; teachers of the f o u r elements, the f o u r directions, the f o u r w i n d s , s h a r i n g a c o m m o n t a s k b u t not a c o m m o n vision.  The q u e s t i o n s p r o d u c e d questions p r o d u c e d questions a n d I realized t h a t I d i d not even k n o w w h a t the i n i t i a l q u e s t i o n meant.  W h a t is a vocation? W h e n does one receive one's vocation? W h a t i s a sense of v o c a t i o n ? W h e r e does one f i n d a sense of vocation? W h a t are lived experiences? H o w does one d i s c e r n a v o c a t i o n to teaching? W h a t is teaching? W h o are teachers?  V a n M a n e n says that: the q u e s t i o n s themselves a n d the w a y one u n d e r s t a n d s the q u e s t i o n s are the i m p o r t a n t s t a r t i n g points, n o t the m e t h o d as s u c h . B u t ... the w a y i n w h i c h one a r t i c u l a t e s c e r t a i n q u e s t i o n s h a s s o m e t h i n g to do w i t h the r e s e a r c h method.... There exists a c e r t a i n dialectic between the q u e s t i o n a n d the method. T h e m e t h o d one chooses ought to m a i n t a i n a c e r t a i n h a r m o n y w i t h w h a t m a k e s one a n e d u c a t o r i n the first place. (1994: 1-2)  B y e x t e n s i o n then, the m e t h o d t h a t one chooses ought to b e i n h a r m o n y w i t h one's view of the world. S o I w a l k e d away f r o m the b o o k s a n d s a t o n the shore where Ruah  3  blew over me another levanter of questions.  What if I am a character in the Creator's  dream?  What if the Dreamer has given me the opportunity play the character as I choose?  to  What if my becoming the character draws me deeper into the dream and the dreaming? What if I am in the Dreamer and the Dreamer is in me? Only through being at one with the dreaming will I become one with the Dreamer.  The u n r a v e l l i n g of the o r i g i n a l q u e s t i o n b r o u g h t a r e c o n s i d e r a t i o n of m a n y things, i n c l u d i n g the epistemological g r o u n d o n w h i c h m y methodology  4  rested  a n d the r e s e a r c h m e t h o d s t h a t I w o u l d use.  I have come to realize t h a t the g r o u n d o n w h i c h we s t a n d is forever shifting.  W e k n o w the c o n s t a n c y of o u r m o t h e r earth i n her inconstancy,  i n her regular  m o v i n g f r o m t h i s place to that. T h u s , any d i s c u s s i o n of the g r o u n d o n w h i c h t h i s w o r k s t a n d s w i l l w o r k against the g r a i n of t r a d i t i o n a l epistemology s i n c e t r a d i t i o n a l epistemology s p e a k s of certainty of knowledge a n d of knowledge a s a c o n t a i n e r of t r u t h .  B y m o s t definitions, knowledge i s the a c c u m u l a t e d i n f o r m a t i o n w h i c h allows the i n d i v i d u a l to connect the external w o r l d w i t h the i n t e r n a l w o r l d a n d vice versa. A c c o r d i n g to Plato, knowledge i s gained a s r e a s o n allows the i n d i v i d u a l e x i s t i n g i n the real w o r l d (polls], subject to the disorder of everyday o p i n i o n (doxa), to g a i n a n u n d e r s t a n d i n g of the i d e a l w o r l d (eidos). B e c a u s e h e believed t h a t a l l of the i d e a l f o r m s were i n the m i n d at b i r t h , Plato s a w l e a r n i n g a s a p r o c e s s of r a t i o n a l i n t u i t i o n w h i c h facilitated anamnesis  or r e m i n i s c e n c e of the  w o r l d of right t h i n k i n g (orthe doxa). T h i s i s very m u c h the n o t i o n w h i c h w a s e x p r e s s e d i n the m i d s t of N e w t o n i a n e m p i r i c i s m b y W i l l i a m W o r d s w o r t h .  Not in entire forgetfulness And not in utter nakedness, But trailing clouds of glory do we come From God, who is our home (from "Ode: Intimations of Immortality" from Reflections of Early Childhood by William Wordsworth)  It i s i n t e r e s t i n g t h a t some c o n t e m p o r a r y theories of knowledge (Bohm, 1990; P r i b r a m , 1991] b r i n g traces of P l a t o n i s m a n d of B u d d h i s m i n t o the scientific  realm. Q u a n t u m physicist, D a v i d B o h m , for example, suggested t h a t there i s a n e n f o l d i n g a n d u n f o l d i n g of the implicate order of the u n i v e r s e w i t h i n the explicate order of the i n d i v i d u a l h u m a n m i n d (Bohm, 1990). S u c h a view, l i k e m a n y a b o r i g i n a l a n d eastern u n d e r s t a n d i n g s of the i n t e r c o n n e c t e d n e s s a n d the i n t e r p e n e t r a t i o n of a l l t h a t i s a n d a l l t h a t i s not i n the cosmos, i s r e m i n i s c e n t of t h a t expressed b y the poet W i l l i a m Blake.  To see a Worldin a Cfrain of Sand Anda Ufeaven in a Wifdflower MotifInfinity in t/iepalm of your hand And'Eternity in anHfour. (from "Auguries of Innocence"By William (Blaise)  I f i n d t h i s b r i n g i n g together of art, science a n d s p i r i t u a l i t y i n t r i g u i n g n o t o n l y 5  b e c a u s e it i m p l i e s a s h i f t i n g i n o u r conceptions of knowledge b u t also b e c a u s e it offers hope for a n i n c r e a s e d e m p h a s i s o n o u r s p i r i t u a l c o n n e c t i o n s w i t h i n creation. A t the s a m e time, however, I a m aware t h a t m o s t epistemologies have emerged f r o m a n d c o n t a i n w i t h i n t h e m a d u a l i s t i c s e p a r a t i o n of m i n d l e s s Matter and matterless Mind.  In d e s c r i b i n g the differences between "masculine a n d feminine epistemologies" (1988: 8), Madeleine G r u m e t refers, first of all, to Merleau-Ponty's "knowledge of the body-subject." To h i s "knowledge i n the h a n d s a n d knowledge i n the feet," G r u m e t a d d s "knowledge i n the womb" (3). She t h e n s h a r e s w i t h u s the five categories w h i c h emerged from the collaborative r e s e a r c h of Belenky,  C l i n c h y , Goldberger a n d Tarule. A c c o r d i n g to t h i s work, w o m e n k n o w i n silence, t h r o u g h received knowledge, subjective knowledge,  procedural  knowledge or c o n s t r u c t e d knowledge (16). G r u m e t interprets received knowledge, p r o c e d u r a l knowledge a n d the i m p o s i t i o n of silence o n w o m e n a s m a s c u l i n e epistemologies (17) a n d says t h a t " c o n s t r u c t i v i s m (is) the epistemology t h a t celebrates the creativity a n d the r e s p o n s i b i l i t y of the k n o w e r as w e l l as the context a n d relations w i t h i n w h i c h k n o w i n g t a k e s place a n d c o m e s to form" (16).  I u n d e r s t a n d the negative connotations i m p l i e d i n the categories t h a t have b e e n defined i n the B e l e n k y work; however, I believe t h a t it i s a d o m i n a n c e of logocentricity, as m u c h as it i s the m a s c u l i n e aspects of personality, t h a t h a s led to the s i l e n c i n g of women's w a y s of knowing. In a r g u i n g for Eros,  rather  t h a n Logos, a s god of the academy, M a r y A s w e l l D o l l suggests t h a t there i s a n e e d to b r e a k the rigidity of the opposites of the m a s c u l i n e a n d the f e m i n i n e aspects of personality, to b a l a n c e " h u m a n ability to c o n t r o l , separate, categorize a n d confront" w i t h "the ability to receive, n u r t u r e , relate a n d b r i n g together" (1995: 42). K n o w i n g i n silence, k n o w i n g t h r o u g h receiving, n u r t u r i n g a n d relating m a y be better w a y s of k n o w i n g t h a n k n o w i n g b y controlling, categorizing a n d c o n f r o n t i n g b u t i t i s i n a n acceptance of these w a y s of k n o w i n g as being different f r o m one a n o t h e r a n d s t i l l s u p p o r t i v e of one another, r a t h e r t h a n a s s u p e r i o r or inferior to one a n o t h e r t h a t there i s a p o s s i b i l i t y for  viriditas.  6  S u c h a greening of the epistemological g r o u n d w o u l d invite w i s d o m b a c k to p l a y a role i n o u r c o m i n g to k n o w o u r selves a n d the world. W i s d o m i s a sort of c o m m o n sense w h i c h connects h u m a n s to the earth, to h u m u s . A t the s a m e time, she gives u s w i n g s to lift the earthbody into the r e a l m of the e t e r n a l for w i s d o m i s b o t h t r a n s c e n d e n t a n d i m m i n e n t . C o n s i d e r i n g t h a t b o t h the G r e e k s (who saw Sophia as the source of perfect knowledge) a n d the a n c i e n t H e b r e w s gave w i s d o m a woman's body, it seems m o s t appropriate t h a t f e m i n i s t theory is b r i n g i n g to the a c a d e m y a new u n d e r s t a n d i n g of the c o n n e c t i o n between the knowledge of the b o d y a n d the b o d y of knowledge.  M a n y d i s c u s s i o n s of the w a y s i n w h i c h we engage i n t e l l e c t u a l l y i n a n d w i t h the w o r l d - be it Aristotle's three m o d e s of k n o w l e d g e  7  or P h i l i p Phenix's five  r e a l m s of m e a n i n g (Phenix, 1964) - u l t i m a t e l y rest o n a c o n c e p t i o n of the w o r l d as a w o r l d of things, of ideas a b o u t t h i n g s a n d of the power t h a t the k n o w e r h o l d s over those t h i n g s of w h i c h (s)he h a s a c q u i r e d c e r t a i n knowledge. I have difficulty w i t h the fixed n o u n , knowledge, as opposed to the everc h a n g i n g verb, knowing. I have more difficulty w i t h knowledge as it m i g h t be r a t e d i n degrees of certainty. It is not s u r p r i s i n g t h e n t h a t I was b o t h t a k e n a b a c k a n d a m u s e d b y Chisholm's thirteen steps "for c o n s i d e r i n g the e p i s t e m i c s t a t u s of knowledge claims": 6. C e r t a i n 5. O b v i o u s 4. E v i d e n t  -10-  3. B e y o n d Reasonable D o u b t 2. E p i s t e m i c a l l y i n the C l e a r 1. Probable 0. C o u n t e r b a l a n c e d -1. Probably F a l s e -2. In the C l e a r to Disbelieve -3. Reasonable to Disbelieve -4. E v i d e n t l y F a l s e -5. O b v i o u s l y F a l s e -6. C e r t a i n l y F a l s e (Fenstermacher,  1994:  23)  A s I c o n s i d e r the n a t u r e of the knowledge c l a i m s t h a t t h i s p r e s e n t w o r k m i g h t make, I a m t o r n between O a n d all of the above, t h o u g h I w o u l d be m o r e i n c l i n e d t o w a r d s those w h i c h fall below the p o i n t of counterbalance.  Perhaps,  as the G r e e k s w o u l d have it, I, as a woman, a m one of "those who  do not, or  o u g h t not, (to) think." O n the other h a n d , I m a y be a " t h i n k i n g muse," given to " t h o u g h t f u l w a n d e r i n g t h r o u g h the s h a d o w s of experience, not i n order to b r i n g t h e m to light, b u t to reveal the a m b i g u o u s edge of things." T h i s res e a r c h i n g m a y be a n i n v i t i n g of the reader to j o i n me i n "a t h o u g h t f u l experience of wonder, p r o f o u n d m e d i t a t i o n a n d i n q u i r y , perplexity a n d u n c e r t a i n t y , genuine a s t o n i s h m e n t a n d s u r p r i s e " (Allen & Y o u n g , 1989: 1), i n a mytho-poetic journey.  Research, like travel or like life, m i g h t be seen as a n o u n , a t h i n g f o c u s s e d o n a n e n d p r o d u c t - c e r t a i n knowledge or t r u t h . O n the other h a n d , r e s e a r c h i n g , like t r a v e l l i n g a n d l i v i n g , m i g h t i n its b e i n g c a l l the i m a g i n a t i o n , provoke questions a n d evoke deeper insight (Macdonald, 1988: 108). It seems  to me t h a t any r e s e a r c h w h i c h m a k e s c l a i m s of t r u t h f u l n e s s m u s t be h e l d i n s u s p i c i o n . In quantitative studies, the t r u t h often r e m a i n s h i d d e n i n the q u e s t i o n s w h i c h are not a s k e d w h i l e i n qualitative work, t r u t h conceals itself i n the w o r d s t h a t are never spoken, i n the u n s p e a k a b l e . The researcher  and  the s u b j e c t s (or the objects) of the r e s e a r c h are c o n s t a n t l y c h a n g i n g i n t h e i r relationships, i n their understanding w h a t appears to be t r u e presently may may  of themselves a n d of the w o r l d so t h a t not be true, w h a t a p p e a r s not to be true  be true. Perhaps, it i s best to confess t h a t the t r u t h t h a t we present i s  the t r u t h as we i m a g i n e it,  as we have c o n s t r u c t e d i t or as we have allowed  others to c o n s t r u c t it for u s a n d t h a t i t r e m a i n s a p a r t i a l t r u t h , a t r u t h deferred.  The question, for me, i s not: "Do I know?" b u t "Am a t t e n t i o n to?" A m is not  I g i v i n g my  undivided  I d w e l l i n g i n the q u e s t i o n for it i s there t h a t I w i l l f i n d w h a t  k n o w n . W i t h o u t a r e a l i z a t i o n of w h a t one does not know, one c a n n o t  k n o w the d i m e n s i o n s of w h a t one does k n o w a n d it i s i n the t e n s i o n b e t w e e n the k n o w n a n d the u n k n o w n t h a t one f i n d s the power of w h a t i s u n k n o w a b l e . I suspect t h a t r a t h e r t h a n possessing knowledge or being p o s s e s s e d b y the need to know, I m i g h t r a t h e r m u s e o n the possibilities between k n o w i n g a n d  not  knowing.  S u c h a view of knowledge i s u n l i k e l y to lead to the sort of p h e n o m e n o l o g i c a l s t u d y w h i c h seeks to capture a n a u t h e n t i c p i c t u r e "of the lifeworld ... as  -12-  we  i m m e d i a t e l y experience it pre-reflectively r a t h e r t h a n a s we conceptualize, categorize, or reflect o n it" (Van M a n e n , 1994: 9). D e s p i t e m y belief t h a t o u r f a i l u r e to k n o w the oneness of the w o r l d i s a r e s u l t of the l i m i t a t i o n s of o u r 8  i n d i v i d u a l w a y s of c o n c e p t u a l i z i n g the world, a n d despite m y l o n g i n g for a w a y of b e i n g i n the w o r l d w h i c h i s freed from t h i n k i n g a b o u t the w o r l d , I t e n d to view v a n Manen's statement as a n oxymoron. A s T h o m a s G r o o m e argues: We c a n n o t interpret o u r o w n c o n s c i o u s n e s s b y some "pure" phenomenology of it ... we always take a "hermeneutical detour" into o u r p s y c h e s t h r o u g h s y m b o l s of the external w o r l d t h a t themselves c a r r y a n d reflect a w o r l d of m e a n i n g from t h e i r h i s t o r i c a l context. (1991: 223)  It i s difficult to s t u d y w h a t c a n n o t be c o m m u n i c a t e d a n d the very act of c o m m u n i c a t i n g d e m a n d s meaning-making. In order to m a k e m e a n i n g a n d to c o m m u n i c a t e t h a t meaning, i t is necessary to reflect, to c o n c e p t u a l i z e a n d to categorize, to u s e s y m b o l s t h a t c a r r y m a n y meanings. W h i l e we m a y s h a r e a collection of c u l t u r a l s y m b o l s w i t h others, we are often u n a w a r e of m a n y of the m e a n i n g s t h a t are a t t a c h e d to these s h a r e d symbols. T h a t i s o n l y one of the r e a s o n s t h a t sometimes we may, a s M i c h a e l P o l a n y i h a s t o l d us, tell m o r e t h a n we k n o w (Scott, 1987:150), S t i l l , i t is necessary, regardless of the m e a n s of c o m m u n i c a t i o n , to have a t t a c h e d some m e a n i n g to w h a t e v e r i t i s t h a t i s to be c o m m u n i c a t e d . If we have experienced a n object o r a n emotion; if we have t a k e n some a c t i o n or been acted u p o n a n d if we have a p p r e h e n d e d t h i s a s a n experience, then, c o n s c i o u s l y or u n c o n s c i o u s l y , we have t u r n e d  -13-  b a c k o n it. We  have re-flected on the experience a n d t h i s reflection h a s  allowed u s to store some m e a n i n g i n our m i n d s a n d / o r i n o u r bodies.  If t h i s i s  the case, t h e n w h a t i s c a l l e d pre-reflective experience i s not experience a n d i t c a n n o t be remembered;  neither c a n it be s h a r e d n o r s t u d i e d .  9  O n the other  h a n d , w h e n experiences are s h a r e d a n d studied, the n u m b e r of "hermeneutic detours" increases i n p r o p o r t i o n to the n u m b e r of p e r s o n s involved i n the process.  V a n M a n e n also states t h a t "a p e r s o n c a n n o t reflect o n lived experience w h i l e l i v i n g t h r o u g h the experience" (10). O n the contrary, I w o u l d suggest t h a t the sort of reflection w h i c h t r a n s f o r m s i s the sort of reflection t h a t i n f o r m s a c t i o n i n the very m i d s t of experience.  T h i s i s not to say t h a t the recollection of  events t h r o u g h retrospective reflection i s u n i m p o r t a n t b u t r a t h e r t h a t there i s also value i n introspective reflection.  S e n s i n g t h a t I w o u l d r a t h e r be a d a n c e r t h a n either a j u d g e or a m i n e r ,  I  10  b e g a n to reconsider the i m p l i c a t i o n s of a n eidetic r e d u c t i o n of the stories a n d of a d r a w i n g out of c o m m o n themes. It seemed to me a p p r o a c h m i g h t encourage a mindfulness,  that while s u c h an  a dwelling i n the m e a n i n g of things,  a n evocation of a p r i m a l a n d poetic "singing of the world" (Pinar, 1995:  407),  there m i g h t be a u n i v o c i t y i n the sort of m u s i c w h i c h c a l l e d for a s e t t i n g aside of the p a r t i c u l a r i n its s e a r c h for the u n i v e r s a l ( H u s s e r l , 1980: 253;  Merleau-  Ponty, 1980: 323). I decided to avoid t r y i n g to u n c o m p l i c a t e w h a t p e r h a p s i s  -14-  too dense a concept to be simplified from or to a single perspective a n d I b e g a n to i m a g i n e the c o m p o s i t i o n of a more p o l y p h o n i c work.  A f t e r m u c h reflection, I acknowledged t h a t w h i l e it is i m p o r t a n t to see "through the p a r t i c u l a r i t y of lived experience" ( V a n M a n e n , 1994:185) a n d w h i l e there may w e l l be some f u n d a m e n t a l experiences i n the lives of m o s t teachers who are called to teaching, the c e n t r a l p u r p o s e of the r e s e a r c h s h o u l d be to encourage the e x p r e s s i o n of m a n y interpretations, a n i n t e r p l a y i n g of m a n y voices s p e a k i n g f r o m a b r o a d s p e c t r u m of experiences w i t h i n a variety of contexts, r a t h e r t h a n to seek a single, u n i v e r s a l meaning. The w o r k h a d s h i f t e d f r o m a s e a r c h for essences towards a n elicitation of the i n t e r s u b j e c t i v i t y of experiences (Nixon, 1995:14).  A s I chose to leave the way of H u s s e r l a n d to follow t h a t of Hermes, I b e c a m e aware t h a t a l l of the questions t h a t h a d slithered out h a d b e e n swallowed b y the two t h a t t w i n e d t h e i r way a r o u n d the caduceus.  What do teachers' stories tell us about the call of teaching?  How  does drama help teachers to re-member and tell their stories?  -15-  In the Desert (A Re-Searching of the Re-Searcher)  Light and shadow on the wind erosion patterns of the rocks. Silence except for the sound of the wind in the pinon pines. ... miles of emptiness. Perfect silence... Nada! (Merton, 1984: 8, 26, 28, 29)  I do n o t f i n d it s u r p r i s i n g t h a t "the theme of the 'desert' i s c o m m o n to m a n y m o n a s t i c a n d h e r m i t texts" (Sheldrake, 1995: 22). The desert, like the sea, i s a l i m i n a l place. It b o t h connects a n d separates. It is the sort of place where the b o u n d a r y between the present a n d the imminent, between life a n d death, the seen a n d the unseen, is very t h i n . M o n s t e r s are j u s t b e n e a t h the w a v y surface; r e s t i n g i n the sands; w a i t i n g to strike. M e r t o n w r i t e s of "long, lithe, silvery s a n d y s n a k e s w i t h s w o l l e n s a c k s of p o i s o n ... too b e a u t i f u l , too alive, too m u c h themselves to be labeled. In the desert one does n o t fight snakes, one s i m p l y lives w i t h t h e m a n d keeps o u t of their way" (38).  The desert, a s  S h e l d r a k e describes it, "is b o t h a paradise, where people m a y live i n h a r m o n y w i t h w i l d a n i m a l s , a n d at the same time a place of t r i a l w h e r e ascetics e n c o u n t e r the i n n e r a n d outer demons" (22).  The c l a s s r o o m tends to be the sort of place where one e n c o u n t e r s either the h a r m o n y of angels or the t r i a l by demons, b u t it rarely provides the sort of  -16-  s a c r e d l a n d s c a p e where the teacher c a n be m i n d f u l of the presence of b o t h the angels a n d the d e m o n s at the same time. It is n o t a place w h e r e the teacher f i n d s a n o p p o r t u n i t y to d w e l l i n kairos  11  for the s y s t e m itself is b o u n d b y the  d e m a n d s of Cronos.  Five years ago, I f o u n d myself b e i n g gifted w i t h s u c h a contemplative opportunity. F o r at least a p o r t i o n of the time, m y r e t u r n to the u n i v e r s i t y a s a teacher-educator f r o m a p o s i t i o n a s h i g h s c h o o l teacher p r o v i d e d a "stillness a n d a freedom f r o m (the) daily concerns" of t e a c h i n g (Hunsberger, 1992: 90); it p r o v i d e d a space, between theory a n d practice, w h e r e i n I c o u l d critically e x a m i n e m y s e l f a n d m y teaching. I n fact, it w a s a s o j o u r n t h a t m i g h t w e l l be d e s c r i b e d as a desert experience for I f o u n d myself i n a place of difference, a place of crisis, a sort of w i l d e r n e s s between the one w h o teaches a n d the one w h o h e l p s others to cross the border between student a n d teacher.  There w a s  a n i n t e r r u p t i o n of the o r d i n a r y w h i c h allowed me time to r e c o n s i d e r m y vocation, time to listen to a n d to h e a r the r e s o n a n c e a n d the d i s s o n a n c e of the s u n g a n d the " u n s u n g t u n e s a n d theories" (Grumet, 1988: 11) of m y o w n pedagogy. There w a s o p p o r t u n i t y for me to experience the p a i n a n d t h e p l e a s u r e of t u r n i n g the h y p h e n o n its side so that, like a deacon's s t o l e , i t 12  i n t e r r u p t e d m y w o r k a s teacher a n d let m y w o r k a s t e a c h e r / e d u c a t o r flow f r o m the w o u n d t h a t c u t t h r o u g h b o t h m y h e a d a n d m y heart.  In the p u b l i c s c h o o l classroom, like m o s t of m y colleagues, I have r a r e l y p a i d  -17-  a t t e n t i o n to t h e i n t e r p l a y i n g of the theories to w h i c h I have d a n c e d f r o m d a y to day, year to year. D e p e n d e n t u p o n the degree to w h i c h I have f o u n d m y s e l f p e r s u a d e d a n d b o u n d b y one authoritative score or another,  I have j e t e d a n d  p l i e d i n a n o d d a n d distorted m i r r o r i n g of the master(s) or, h a v i n g c o l l a p s e d m y o w n identity into the "body mastered" (Taubman, 1992: 220), w h i r l e d l i k e a d e r v i s h i n m a n i a c a l servitude. W h e n m y s t u d e n t s or m y colleagues q u e s t i o n e d m y approach,  I have always b e e n able to j u s t i f y w h a t I w a s d o i n g - at least, i n  the w o r l d of idea(l)s.  A s I re-membered m y t e a c h i n g d u r i n g t h i s time, I s a w m y s e l f first i n the role of t e a c h e r as master, daily c h a l l e n g i n g m y s t u d e n t s to r e a c h for T h e T r u t h , t e a c h i n g a s I h a d b e e n taught. M y practice w h i c h h a d emerged f r o m practice w a s repeated, polished, presented, praised, repeated b u t always w i t h i n m y control, g u i d e d b y m y agenda. P l a n n e d a n d predictable. S t u d e n t s w o r k e d at w h a t I s a w w a s best for them, w h a t I w a n t e d t h e m to do. A s f a r as I c o u l d tell, m o s t of t h e m were h a p p y to do w h a t I a s k e d t h e m to do b u t I a m n o t s u r e h o w often I p a i d close a t t e n t i o n to a n y responses other t h a n those I w a n t e d to see a n d to hear.  In the stillness,  I hear again the voice of a young woman whom I have known for  most of her life telling me why she was so unhappy in my English make me feel stupid," she said. "I'm not like (your daughter). question,  12 class. "You  When I ask you a  you answer me as if I should know the answer and Ijust feel stupid."  -18-  S h e w a s right a n d I s t i l l haven't freed myself f r o m the o l d w a y s b u t I a m trying. I have p r o m i s e d to tell h e r one of these days a n d to t h a n k her. I h a v e never t o l d those of m y teachers w h o d i d t h a t to me.  I r e c a l l e d those t i m e s when, i n a n attempt to c o m p e n s a t e for the s w i n g i n t h e one direction, r a t h e r t h a n s e a r c h i n g for a place i n t h e middle, I w o u l d s w i n g the other way. "I s h u t the door of m y c l a s s r o o m a n d h a d d i s c u s s i o n s o n whatever topic came up." Peter T a u b m a n relates h i s m e t a m o r p h o s i s f r o m teacher as m a s t e r to teacher as friend a n d I re-membered experiences s i m i l a r to those he describes (222). C u t t i n g the w i r e s of the p u b l i c a d d r e s s s y s t e m so t h a t we wouldn't be i n t e r r u p t e d i n o u r serious a n d n o t so s e r i o u s work, b r i n g i n g m y long-haired friends i n to t h e c l a s s r o o m to give poetry r e a d i n g s a n d i n v i t i n g s t u d e n t s to o u r parties. T h o s e were great t i m e s a n d m a n y of those s t u d e n t s r e m a i n as close friends, b u t I w o n d e r a b o u t those w h o were left out; I w o n d e r a b o u t the others, those w h o were n o t p a r t of the group. I w o n d e r h o w m a n y s a w t h a t r o o m of o u r o w n as a "bunker" (Grumet, 1988: 92).  D u r i n g m y first two years of i n s t r u c t i n g a n d a d v i s i n g student-teachers, I f o u n d m y s e l f b e i n g d r a w n into a p e n d u l a r process n o t u n l i k e t h a t w h i c h h a d c o n t r o l l e d m y t e a c h i n g practice i n t h e p u b l i c s c h o o l classroom. M o r e often t h a n I imagined, I expected t h e student-teachers w i t h w h o m I w a s w o r k i n g to reproduce m y practice w h i c h h a d emerged from someone else's practice, to  -19-  l i s t e n v i c a r i o u s l y to my m u s i c , to enter into a lively two-step w i t h me  and/or  t h e i r s p o n s o r i n g teachers. W h a t I d i d not realize at t h a t time w a s t h a t m y r e s p o n s i b i l i t y was to subvert my own practice, to l e a d m y s t u d e n t s to a place where, i n the stillness, they m i g h t d i s c e r n their own m u s i c , a place w h e r e i n there was no need to j o i n into anyone else's d a n c i n g b u t w h e r e they m i g h t i m a g i n e a way of m o v i n g to t h e i r own special tunes.  It wasn't u n t i l I b e g a n to struggle to articulate the theory w h i c h g u i d e d  my  practice, to t r a n s p o s e the t u n e so t h a t my proteges c o u l d s i n g a l o n g w i t h me, t h a t I agonized i n the c a c o p h o n y between the theory as t a u g h t a n d the t h e o r y as believed, the theory as believed a n d the theory as practiced, the p r a c t i c e as i m a g i n e d a n d the practice as experienced. I l e a r n e d t h a t the m u s i c to w h i c h I h a d b e e n d a n c i n g was arranged differently from t h a t w h i c h I h a d  imagined  hearing. I h a d to m a k e a concerted effort to d i s c e r n the p o i n t a n d c o u n t e r p o i n t i n m y daily w o r k i n g w i t h others; I h a d to f i n d w a y s of d a n c i n g i n the dissonance, w a y s of giving u p the need to c l a i m a r o m a n t i c  resonance  w h i c h was non-existent.  In the c l a s s r o o m , one l e a r n s q u i c k l y t h a t the decisions w h i c h one m a k e s a b o u t p r a c t i c e matter. B u t the theory w h i c h i s the w a r p of the p r a c t i c e a l s o m a t t e r s a l t h o u g h it may  take m u c h longer for t h i s r e a l i z a t i o n to h a v e a n y  effect u p o n the teacher a n d the teaching. A r t i c u l a t i n g theory t h a t m a t t e r s m e a n s giving matter to theory. So I, as practitioner, allowed m y reflection o n  -20-  theory to re-member the matter of students. I p i c t u r e d those y o u n g people w h o s e lives affected a n d were affected b y m y teaching. I f o u n d that, despite my having diminished many by my dark  13  a n d faint p e n c i l l i n g of t h e m ( B h a b h a ,  1994: 47), they c o n t i n u e d to matter to me. T h e y mattered b e c a u s e they h e l p e d me to b e g i n to q u e s t i o n the extent to w h i c h , i n a l l o w i n g a d i s / i n t e g r a t i o n of m y theory a n d m y practice, I w a s b e t r a y i n g the t r u s t t h a t these s t u d e n t s h a d p l a c e d i n me a s t h e i r teacher.  I h e a r a g a i n conversations w i t h s t u d e n t teachers w h o t a u g h t me a b o u t the i m p o r t a n c e of relationships. T h e i r work, a s b e c o m i n g teachers, n o t yet lost i n the m o r a s s of b u r e a u c r a t i c expectations, f i n d i n g its m e a n i n g i n a series of i n t e r c o n n e c t e d a n d c o m p l i c a t e d relationships, h e l p e d me to see t h a t the h e a r t of t e a c h i n g is i n the r e l a t i o n s h i p s - the r e l a t i o n s h i p of s t u d e n t a n d teacher, of t h i s s t u d e n t a n d t h a t student, of the i n d i v i d u a l a n d the c o m m u n i t y . A l l of the r e l a t i o n s h i p s t h a t are simplified i n n u m b e r s a n d a c r o n y m s are m a d e m o r e c o m p l e x a s one hyphenates.  T h e student-teacher, the sponsor-teacher, t h e  teacher-educator - so m a n y places of difference; so m a n y o c c a s i o n s w h e n one is s h a p e d b y circumstance. These h y p h e n a t e d spaces, the spaces of crises, are places of danger a n d of opportunity; they are places where one m a y feel c o m p e l l e d to move i n one direction or the other, to behave i n one role or the other.  B u t the secret is to f i n d a w a y of b e i n g comfortable i n the m i d d l e w h e r e  one i s n e i t h e r t h i s n o r t h a t b u t b o t h t h i s a n d that. Peter T a u b m a n suggests t h a t one's teaching, for example, m i g h t be s i t u a t e d i n a space w h i c h i s best  -21-  d e s c r i b e d a s a "position at the midpoint" (230), "a p o s i t i o n of hope" (233).  The teacher w h o takes a p o s i t i o n at the m i d p o i n t a s s u m e s a n identity t h a t c a n always be d r a w n i n one of two directions - u p t o w a r d s the eidoi f r o m w h i c h the m a s t e r r e t u r n s or d o w n to the u n c o n s c i o u s f r o m w h i c h it r e t u r n s a s the master... I s u s p e c t t h a t the a n s w e r lies i n m o v i n g i n b o t h directions at once. (Taubman, 1992: 230)  A s I acknowledge the i m p o r t a n c e of m y h a v i n g to move out of the c l a s s r o o m i n order to look w i t h n e w eyes o n m y teaching, I recognize t h a t t h i s experience i s one t h a t c o u l d be s h a r e d not only w i t h student-teachers i n p r e p a r i n g t h e m to be n e w c o m e r s to the f a m i l i a r w o r l d of the c l a s s r o o m b u t also w i t h colleagues w h o m a y not have h a d the o p p o r t u n i t y to reflect o n t h e i r experiences f r o m the i n s i d e out o r f r o m the outside i n .  So the n a t u r e a n d the p u r p o s e of the r e s e a r c h shifted f r o m one w h e r e I, a s the researcher, w o u l d investigate others' lived experiences, seek the essence of those experiences a n d produce a n d express m y knowledge a b o u t those experiences (Van M a n e n , 1984) to one where I w o u l d s i m p l y w o r k w i t h m y colleagues a n d invite t h e m to enter w i t h me a quiet place where we c o u l d s h a r e w i t h one a n o t h e r some stories of l e a r n i n g a n d t e a c h i n g t h a t s t a y w i t h u s , stories t h a t m i g h t be s a i d to "stick to the heart."  -22-  14  The Second Rumination (On the W i s d o m of the Fool)  In m y c o m i n g s a n d goings to a n d f r o m the classroom,  to a n d f r o m the  university, I have f o u n d myself often, because of c h a n g i n g roles, a s a stranger i n a f a m i l i a r place. W h i l e t h i s offers the c o n t i n u e d p o s s i b i l i t y of the desert experience,  there i s a need to realize t h a t being the o u t s i d e r i n a place t h a t  one h a s called h o m e i s easier, more seductive, t h a n being a stranger i n a foreign l a n d . W h e n t h i n g s become too comfortable,  there i s a n e e d to r e c l a i m  the right to be a n o u t s i d e r for, a s K r i s t e v a assures us, t h i s i s the experience w h i c h , i n p r o v i d i n g the double v i s i o n of the m i g r a n t (Bhabha, 1994:  5) or of  the fool, offers the p o s s i b i l i t y of s u b v e r s i o n a n d of e t h i c a l t r a n s f o r m a t i o n ( C l a r k & Hulley, 1991: 157).  "It i s the stranger ... the newcomer" w h o s e  presence revitalizes the c o m m u n i t y , B e c k tells u s a s she extends the m e t a p h o r f r o m m y t h a n d h i s t o r y to the c l a s s r o o m (Beck, 1993: 98).  In c o n s i d e r i n g the extent to w h i c h I r e m a i n a n o u t s i d e r i n the a c a d e m y a n d the extent to w h i c h I h a d to become a n o u t s i d e r i n the t e a c h i n g c o m m u n i t y w h e r e I c o n d u c t e d m y research; i n c o n s i d e r i n g w h a t i s to be gained f r o m l o o k i n g at the f a m i l i a r as u n f a m i l i a r , I a m r e m i n d e d of the o l d H a s i d i c tale of S c h l e m i e l a n d of h i s t r i p to W a r s a w f r o m the village of C h e l m .  A s I have b e e n told the story, S c h l e m i e l h a d decided t h a t h e h a d to m a k e a  -23-  trip f r o m h i s h o m e i n C h e l m to Warsaw. S o o n after he set out, he s t o p p e d for a rest (which, n e x t to eating, was one of h i s favorite pastimes). Before d o z i n g off, S c h l e m i e l took off h i s boots a n d p o i n t e d t h e m i n the d i r e c t i o n of W a r s a w so t h a t he w o u l d not forget w h i c h way to go w h e n he awoke. W h i l e he  was  sleeping, some passersby stopped a n d t u r n e d h i s boots a r o u n d . S c h l e m i e l , u p o n w a k i n g , p u t o n h i s boots a n d c o n t i n u e d o n h i s way - b a c k to C h e l m .  Of  course, s i n c e he k n e w t h a t h i s boots were p o i n t e d i n the d i r e c t i o n of W a r s a w w h e n he w e n t to sleep, he was certain w h e n he r e a c h e d h i s h o m e village that, i n t r u t h , he h a d come u p o n a n entirely different c o m m u n i t y . T h e r e were d i s t i n c t s i m i l a r i t i e s i n the names, the dwellings, the people but,  viewing  t h e m f r o m a different perspective, S c h l e m i e l saw t h e m differently. In the end, he chose to stay i n the new C h e l m w i t h h i s new wife, f a m i l y a n d friends. U n t i l h i s n e x t t r i p to Warsaw.  Sometimes, d u r i n g my wilderness experience, I was c o n v i n c e d t h a t someone h a d crept into m y r o o m i n the d a r k of n i g h t a n d t u r n e d m y boots a r o u n d . I was not at h o m e i n the a c a d e m y as I h a d b e e n w h i l e I was a n u n d e r g r a d u a t e . I f o u n d i t difficult to re-member the pleasure of the other r e - t u r n s w h e n I e m b o d i e d the j o y of c o m i n g h o m e a n d the pride of b e i n g i n v i t e d to t e a c h w h e r e I h a d b e e n taught. T h r o u g h m y sense of alienation, I c a m e to realize t h a t n o t o n l y was I a different self b u t also I was i n a different place - j u s t as I h a d been, t h o u g h unaware, on e a c h of the previous re-turns. I s u r r e n d e r e d m y s e l f to a place w h i c h was f a m i l i a r yet u n f a m i l i a r ; somewhere between  -24-  pleasure  a n d p a i n , I rested i n excitement a n d i n fear.  I w o n d e r e d if I were i n Chelm Chelm  o r i n Chelm  or i n C h e l m ; i n C h e l m d r e a m i n g a b o u t b e i n g i n  d r e a m i n g a b o u t being i n C h e l m ?  I i m a g i n e d that, despite  m y s u b c o n s c i o u s concept of the teacher as the one w i t h the a n s w e r s r a t h e r t h a n the one w i t h m o r e questions,  I h a d m u c h to g a i n f r o m b e i n g the  s c h l e m i e l , p l a y i n g the fool.  W h e n Q u i n c e delivers the Prologue to the p l a y w i t h i n the p l a y of Night's Dream,  Midsummer  h e confuses the p u n c t u a t i o n so t h a t h e addresses h i s r o y a l  a u d i e n c e w i t h the line " A l l for y o u r d e l i g h t / W e do not come," I n so-doing, h e r e m i n d s u s t h a t since the time of the Egyptians,  i t h a s b e e n the f u n c t i o n of  the fool to t u r n s t h i n g s u p s i d e down, to m a k e u s look at the w o r l d w i t h different eyes - even if w h a t we see m a k e s u s uncomfortable. T h e f o o l " i s u n t a m e d , unpredictable ... (even) dangerous" (Nachmanovich, 1991:46). "A r a d i a n t temporariness, a w a y w a r d moment, a brief s u b l i m i t y - w h e r e b y the w o r l d a s i t i s i s w o n d e r f u l l y a n d fearfully i l l u m i n a t e d " and,  a s s u c h , the fool  i s not m u c h w e l c o m e d i n a c u l t u r e t h a t h a s lost itself i n i t s "hollowness, n a s t i n e s s a n d superficiality" (Dault, 1995:  53).  I have f o u n d t h a t there i s great freedom i n p l a y i n g the fool, i n l e a r n i n g to give u p the n e e d to k n o w w h o h a s b e e n p l a y i n g w i t h m y boots a n d i n d w e l l i n g i n a place t h a t i s b o t h C h e l m a n d Chelm.  A s a p e r s o n w h o l i k e s to be i n control, I  -25-  confess t h a t s u c h a giving u p h a s not come easily - to m y studies, to m y daily life, to m y teaching, n o r to m y research.  I am being driven forward Into an unknown land, The pass grows steeper, The air colder and sharper. A wind from my unknown goal Stirs the strings Of expectation. (Hammarskjold,  -26-  1964:31)  Journeying Up the Crooked River (Stories of the Past)  D u r i n g the course of m y doctoral work, I h a d the o p p o r t u n i t y to s t u d y w i t h B i l l Pinar, T e d A o k i a n d Madeleine Grumet, a l l three of w h o m i n c o r p o r a t e d a u t o b i o g r a p h i c w r i t i n g a s a significant c o m p o n e n t of the c u r r i c u l u m . A l t h o u g h often there i s a tendency to view s u c h activity a s o u t of place i n t h e academy, m y experience h a s b e e n t h a t t h i s type of w r i t i n g is b o t h c h a l l e n g i n g a n d rewarding.  F o r Pinar, a u t o b i o g r a p h y i s i n t e n d e d to offer u s a w a y of lifting the fog of the p a s t f r o m the h i g h w a y of the present (1994: 57), a w a y of re-membering w i t h o u t s u c c u m b i n g to o u r p a s t experiences (23), a w a y of l o o k i n g t h r o u g h a w i n d o w at ourselves i n i n t e r a c t i o n w i t h others (265), a w a y of c o m i n g to a n u n d e r s t a n d i n g of w h a t m i g h t be i n h i b i t i n g a freedom of m o v e m e n t i n t o t h e f u t u r e (37). W h i l e Grumet's w o r k is s h a p e d also b y p s y c h o a n a l y s i s a n d phenomenology, a s w e l l a s b y feminist theory, it tends, l i k e t h a t of A o k i , to stress interpretation. T h r o u g h the w r i t i n g a n d the reading, the s e a r c h i n g o u t of themes, a n d the layering o r re-writing of stories, b o t h G r u m e t a n d A o k i p r a c t i s e a n d encourage the u s e of autobiography as a w a y of c o m i n g to k n o w less of the self a n d more of the world.  T h e following three stories, w h i c h reflect some aspects of m y c o m i n g to k n o w  -27-  the w o r l d a n d t h i s present work, p r o b a b l y tell more t h a n I k n o w a b o u t m y self. The first is one w h i c h recalls f r o m my c h i l d h o o d a m o s t p r o f o u n d experience of s o u n d a n d of silence.  F o r the first few y e a r s of my life, we lived o n a f a r m o n the S a s k a t c h e w a n prairie. A l t h o u g h s n a k e s are a p a r t of the landscape, they are r a r e l y seen. A t least, I h a d never seen one t h o u g h I k n e w they existed.  It w a s late o n a h o t A u g u s t afternoon. M y m o t h e r h a d sent me to the root cellar to get some food t h a t was to be prepared for supper. I h a d j u s t stepped onto the first step w h e n I saw IT.  I don't r e m e m b e r i f the s n a k e even m o v e d  b u t I froze. I t r i e d to s c r e a m b u t no s o u n d came. I tried to r u n b u t I r e m a i n e d s t i l l - for a l o n g time - u n t i l I finally h e a r d the fear c a l l i n g o u t f r o m the d e p t h s of my b e i n g for my m o t h e r who came a n d took the u n h a p p y c r e a t u r e away o n the e n d of a broomstick.  I have never h a d the courage to write t h i s story before though, o n a few occasions, I have s p o k e n it. I w o n d e r how t h i s telling w i l l h e l p me to c o n t i n u e to d e a l w i t h t h i s fear w h i c h is s t i l l present deep w i t h i n me - p e r h a p s as deep as w h a t J u n g w o u l d describe as the collective u n c o n s c i o u s . A n d ,  as I r e a d a n d  reread the early p a r t s of t h i s paper, I a s k myself how I c o u l d have b e e n so careless as to a l l o w so m a n y s n a k e s to m a k e t h e i r way into the text. S u r e l y , m y m o t h e r is n o t going to come to rescue me t h i s time w h i c h i s j u s t as w e l l  -28-  b e c a u s e she w o u l d have to h i t me w i t h the b r o o m s t i c k for t h i s time the w o r d s themselves have t a k e n o n a r e p t i l i a n power. I feel t h e m as a m o v i n g m a s s i n s i d e of me a n d w i t h m y fingers o n the keys I release them. T h e m o r e t h a t I free, the m o r e there are; the more there are, the more they free me of the fear of w r i t i n g them, r e a d i n g them, h a v i n g others r e a d t h e m a n d r e s p o n d w i t h w o n d e r o r h o r r o r or both.  T h e s e c o n d story expresses fear of another sort a n d one w h i c h I c o n t i n u a l l y struggle to overcome. It w a s composed i n response to a r e a d i n g of a n article b y D a v i d J a r d i n e entitled "A B e l l R i n g i n g i n a n E m p t y Sky." I sit a t the s a m e w i n d o w where I s a t r e / m e m b e r i n g H's s h a k u h a c h i p l a y i n g "Ko-jo no t s u k i " . Instead of the s u n s h i n e , I see o n l y t h e r a i n a n d the leaves w h i c h were so green now yellowed, dying, falling onto the wet grass. T h e gentle m u s i c of m y teacher w h i c h p r e v i o u s l y c a m e to m i n d as I r e a d the w o r d s becomes a j a n g l i n g of voices w h i c h denies m y voice. A dreaded m e m o r y f r o m a n earlier life i n t h i s same place passes i n the same body. He l o o k s u p to me as I write. Was that a smile? Now t h a t he k n o w s me i n a different context, I wonder  -29-  if he even remembers w h a t h e d i d to me w h e n he rejected m y w r i t i n g w i t h o u t even t r y i n g to u n d e r s t a n d it.  A s I s t a r e d out of the w i n d o w of m y office into the trees re-membering, t h e w o r d s a n d the m u s i c of the J a p a n e s e l u l l a b y w h i c h I h a d l e a r n e d over t h i r t y five years earlier re-turned to me.  Later, I s a n g the p a r t s t h a t I re-called to  one of m y colleagues a n d she j o i n e d me as I sang. I w a s delighted w h e n , s h o r t l y thereafter, she b r o u g h t me a n i l l u s t r a t e d copy of the s o n g w h i c h s h e h a d f o u n d i n the A s i a n S t u d i e s L i b r a r y (see A p p e n d i x N).  The t h i r d story describes a m o v i n g b e y o n d fear b y m o v i n g deeper into the s o u r c e of the fear.  S h o r t l y after I b e g a n to l e a r n to ski, up.  a wonderful new alpine area was opened  It s o u n d e d very i n v i t i n g a n d I silently set myself a goal. W i t h i n two years I  w o u l d s k i S e v e n t h Heaven.  The f o l l o w i n g afternoon, m y h u s b a n d a n d I f o u n d ourselves s k i i n g off a lift i n the s a m e d i r e c t i o n as m o s t of the other skiers. It w a s a different d i r e c t i o n f r o m the one w h i c h we u s u a l l y took b u t the s n o w w a s nice a n d the r u n w a s not difficult. S t i l l it w a s s o o n evident t h a t we were o n a p a r t of the m o u n t a i n w h i c h w a s u n f a m i l i a r to b o t h of us. T h e s i g n for the lift to S e v e n t h H e a v e n appeared a n d a brief survey of the m a p made u s very aware that, u n l e s s we were prepared to c l i m b b a c k a considerable distance, o u r o n l y choice w a s to go  -30-  u p a n d t h e n to s k i out the other side.  T h e r e really was n o t h i n g else t h a t we c o u l d do b u t to continue. H a d we k n o w n t h a t there was a white-out at the top of the lift, we at least m i g h t have c o n s i d e r e d m a k i n g o u r way b a c k u p to another t r a i l . B e l o w the lift, as we rode u p into heavier snow, all t h a t we c o u l d see were steep m o g u l s a n d trees. Lots of moguls.  Lots of trees. B y the time t h a t we r e a c h e d the top, the s n o w a n d  fog were so t h i c k t h a t we c o u l d scarcely see the c h a i r i n front of us.  Somehow, we m a n a g e d to follow the other s k i e r s as they w o u n d t h e i r w a y s down, a r o u n d , a n d out across the whiteness to the edge of w h a t we a s s u m e d was the drop to f a m i l i a r territory. We  searched desperately for some s i g n of the  b l u e triangle w h i c h w o u l d m a r k the intermediate route as opposed to the b l a c k d i a m o n d s w h i c h we were c e r t a i n s u r r o u n d e d us. M y h u s b a n d p o i n t e d out w h a t he t h o u g h t to be the way a n d p u s h e d off.  I tried to follow b u t I h a d no i d e a of  how n e a r or far he was f r o m me as I pressed on, determined to meet m y c h i l d r e n at the a p p o i n t e d time, m o v i n g downwards, one t u r n at a time, f r o m the h e l l of S e v e n t h H e a v e n to the w a r m t h a n d comfort, safety a n d light of the day lodge.  Now,  as I re-member days of s u n s h i n e a n d s p a r k l i n g s n o w t h a t followed a n d  u n i n t e r r u p t e d r u n s across the glacier, I a m so t h a n k f u l t h a t c i r c u m s t a n c e s forced me to t h a t edge a n d beyond. I w o n d e r w h a t sort of c i r c u m s t a n c e s m i g h t  -31-  force me to the edge a n d b e y o n d i n t h a t other w o r l d - the one d e s c r i b e d i n m y s e c o n d story? W o u l d it have to h a p p e n b y accident or b y c o n s c i o u s i n t e n t ? D o e s the m e m o r y of one t r a n s g r e s s i o n m a k e it easier to c o m m i t a n o t h e r ? a n d a n o t h e r ? T o w h a t extent a m I t r a n g r e s s i n g at present? W i l l I f i n d w a r m t h a n d comfort,  safety a n d light a w a i t i n g me - or w i l l I s l i p over the edge into w h o  k n o w s w h a t ? Is the "who k n o w s what" n e c e s s a r i l y less desirable?  E a c h of these stories reveals a great deal a b o u t me but, if I reflect o n w h a t i s h i d d e n w i t h i n the story, e a c h also reveals a great deal a b o u t me a s a teacher a n d a b o u t m y teaching. T h e y are the sort of stories t h a t teachers m i g h t s h a r e w i t h one a n o t h e r d u r i n g a n i n f o r m a l s o c i a l gathering, over l u n c h o r at the p u b after a p r o f e s s i o n a l development workshop. T h e y are not often i n v i t e d d u r i n g the a c t u a l w o r k s h o p - unless, of course, t h a t w o r k s h o p i s one s u c h a s several of m y colleagues a n d I experienced a few years ago. B a s e d o n the collaborative a u t o b i o g r a p h i c a l w o r k of R i c h a r d B u t t f r o m the U n i v e r s i t y of Lethbridge, t h i s s e s s i o n w a s m o s t m e m o r a b l e because, u n l i k e the s t a n d a r d p r o f e s s i o n a l development activity, it engaged a l l of the p a r t i c i p a n t s . K n o t s of people gathered i n lively c o n v e r s a t i o n t h r o u g h o u t the r o o m and,  for a change, n o  one w a s k n i t t i n g . A t times, the r o o m w a s filled w i t h l a u g h t e r and,  at others,  there w a s a p r o f o u n d stillness. Teachers were s h a r i n g stories a b o u t themselves as p e r s o n s w h i c h , a c c o r d i n g to B u t t (1988: 2), i s the first step i n c o m i n g to u n d e r s t a n d w h o we are as teachers. T h e power of t h i s experience w a s s u c h t h a t t h i s p a r t i c u l a r strategy w a s easily selected a s one to be i n c o r p o r a t e d  -32-  w i t h i n t h i s r e s e a r c h project.  S i n c e the c e n t r a l p u r p o s e of t h i s study, d u r i n g the p l a n n i n g stage, r e m a i n e d as a s e a r c h i n g for a n u n d e r s t a n d i n g of v o c a t i o n a n d the w a y s i n w h i c h teachers d i s c e r n e d t h i s calling, I felt t h a t I needed to a d d other strategies i n order to engage m y colleagues i n a close e x a m i n a t i o n of w h a t it m i g h t m e a n to have a sense of v o c a t i o n to teaching. I n order to facilitate d i s c u s s i o n a n d to encourage a u t o b i o g r a p h i c a l w r i t i n g as w e l l as p r e s e n t a t i o n a n d r e p r e s e n t a t i o n of the stories generated, I chose to incorporate aspects of Pinar's m e t h o d of currere  15  as w e l l as c o m p o n e n t s of T h o m a s Groome's s h a r e d p r a x i s .  16  D w a y n e H u e b n e r says t h a t "human life i s never fixed b u t i s a l w a y s emergent as the p a s t a n d f u t u r e become horizons of the present" (Huebner, 1975: 244). I n a r g u i n g for a dialectical r e l a t i o n s h i p between "the evolving b i o g r a p h y of the p e r s o n a n d t h e evolving histories of societies or communities," H u e b n e r identifies "three facets of man's temporality": T h e first i s t h e p h e n o m e n a of m e m o r y a n d t r a d i t i o n s as these store a n d m a k e accessible the past. T h e s e c o n d i s the activity of interpretation, the h e r m e n e u t i c a l art, w h i c h i s the bridge between self a n d other; a l i n k a g e a m o n g past, present, a n d future; the vehicle b y w h i c h i n d i v i d u a l s , i n c o m m u n i t y arrive at m u t u a l understanding... T h e t h i r d i s the p h e n o m e n o n of c o m m u n i t y as a c a r i n g collectivity i n w h i c h i n d i v i d u a l s share m e m o r i e s a n d intentions. (Huebner, 1974: 37)  -33-  A l t h o u g h a l l three of the m e t h o d s to w h i c h I have referred - Butt's collaborative autobiography, Pinar's currere a n d Groome's s h a r e d p r a x i s incorporate the three facets described b y Huebner, m y experience w i t h e a c h seemed to offer a different emphasis. F o r me,  what was significant about  w o r k i n g i n collaborative a u t o b i o g r a p h y w a s b e i n g i n c o m m u n i t y w i t h colleagues; w i t h currere the focus w a s o n the t e m p o r a l aspects of m y experience; a n d w i t h s h a r e d praxis, I gained a sense of the i m p o r t a n c e of the dialectic r e l a t i o n s h i p between story a n d vision. A s a result, m y p e r c e p t i o n of the process w h i c h I devised to gather the teachers' stories is t h a t it emerged a s a c o m b i n i n g of the three. M y intention, i n so doing, w a s to provide the o p p o r t u n i t y for a l l of the p a r t i c i p a n t s i n t h i s s t u d y to r e c a l l a n d to s h a r e m e m o r i e s of themselves i n schools as learners, to r e m e m b e r a n d to e x a m i n e t h e i r experiences of the c a l l to teaching, a n d then, to c o n s i d e r the w a y s i n w h i c h t h e i r present lives are formed b y images of the future.  -34-  The Third Rumination (On Hermeneutics) The c u r s o r b l i n k s a n d I stare b l a n k l y at the screen, l i s t e n i n g to the h u m of the c o m p u t e r as i t w a i t s for m e to answer, to c a l l the w o r d s i n t o s o m e w h e r e out of nowhere. " Psing a psalm of psexpeans,  apocryphul  of rhyme ..." J a m e s  Joyce's n o n s e n s e m a k e s more sense t h a n m y a b s u r d drivel w h i c h w h e n p r i n t e d w i l l s l o b b e r its s t u p i d w a y across the page.  It o c c u r s to m e t h a t I a m i n the a c a d e m y by pretense. I s i t i n a r o o m s u r r o u n d e d b y h u n d r e d s of b o o k s filled w i t h t h o u s a n d s of w o r d s w r i t t e n b y people w h o m I do not k n o w a n d I t r y desperately to p l a y their game, to c o m m u n i c a t e i n words. B u t the w o r d s k n o w me;  they k n o w t h a t I don't l i k e  them, t h a t I r e a d them, w r i t e them, a w k w a r d l y so they r e m a i n h i d d e n i n the books.  17  T h e y are other people's words; not mine.  I have already argued the interconnectedness of experience a n d the n e e d to m a k e sense of experience a n d w h i l e I believe t h a t i t i s t h r o u g h c o n v e r s a t i o n  18  t h a t we negotiate m e a n i n g of the world, I a m not s u r e t h a t I s h a r e the posts t r u c t u r a l i s t view t h a t we are b o r n a n d we die i n a "web of textuality" 1994:  3). F o r me,  (Leggo,  r e a d i n g a n d w r i t i n g seem to be a w k w a r d w a y s of c o m i n g to  a n u n d e r s t a n d i n g of the w o r l d a n d of s h a r i n g t h a t u n d e r s t a n d i n g w i t h others. A l t h o u g h l i s t e n i n g a n d s p e a k i n g are easier for me t h a n r e a d i n g a n d w r i t i n g , I a m m o s t comfortable expressing m y responses, m y emotions, m y t h o u g h t s  -35-  t h r o u g h m o v e m e n t a n d sound, u s i n g m y b o d y a s s i g n (Stinson, 1994].  A n d yet, I recall, i n a p a p e r w r i t t e n not long ago, d e s c r i b i n g m y w o r d s a s s l i d i n g "across the page like s k i s o n a wide o p e n r u n i n f r e s h snow."  W h a t i s it t h a t b r i n g s me to c o n t r a / d i e t m y s e l f i n t h i s w a y ? W h a t h a s c h a n g e d the w o r d s f r o m this: M y w o r d s slide across the page like s k i s o n a wide o p e n r u n i n fresh snow. T h e s u n shines; t h e s h i f t i n g of weight i s easy, r h y t h m i c , a u t o m a t i c a n d a l l t h a t it w i l l take to m a k e me a v i c t i m of the s l i p p e r y slope i s a loss of concentration, a n edge deflected, a s u d d e n loss of balance. Somet i m e s the m o u n t a i n of w o r d s w o r k s w i t h you; sometimes it does not. to t h i s ? I a m s t a n d i n g o n a n u n f a m i l i a r m o u n t a i n , at t h e top of a n o r d i n a r y r u n b u t I c a n n o t p u s h off. I k n o w t h a t I c a n easily s k i out, d o w n a n d out; t h a t t h e dangers are no more a n d no less t h a n I have faced so m a n y times before b u t I s i m p l y c a n n o t move. T h e voice i n s i d e tells me t h a t I a m not capable of d o i n g w h a t I k n o w I c a n do.  W h o s e voice a m I hearing? W h o s e w o r d s a m I repeating? W h o s e j u d g e m e n t h a s i m m o b i l i z e d me? A m I v i c t i m of m y o w n i m a g i n a t i o n o r i s it "the manysided, u n c o n t a i n a b l e ,  n o c t u r n a l transgressor" w h o i s t r i c k i n g me i n t o t h i s  arrest? We know, or b y n o w we ought to know, t h a t H e r m e s w a s never s i m p l y our friendly p o s t m a n b u t the grandd a d d y of tricksters, a figure of a n a r c h y or m i s r u l e ,  -36-  of thievery, treachery, a n d deceit, someone a l w a y s a little out of control, the b r i n g e r of t r u t h who d o u b l e s as the thief of r e a s o n a n d who therefore leaves y o u i n p e r p e t u a l h e s i t a t i o n as to w h a t y o u have j u s t h e a r d or said, w r i t t e n or read; i n short, a polytropic figure, someone m i s c h i e v o u s a n d untrustworthy, like the language we s p e a k w h e n we t r y to m a k e sense of anything. (Bruns,  1992:  215)  The fear w h i c h I have expressed i s not u n c o m m o n i n a place where there i s the p o s s i b i l i t y that, dependent u p o n the other's tolerance of transgressive discourse, one may  be j u d g e d as being "an i n d i v i d u a l of i n s u f f i c i e n t t a l e n t  a n d i n a d e q u a t e s c h o l a r l y experience"  t r y i n g to hide "her l a c k of i n s i g h t b e h i n d  a n obfuscating, flowery, or self-indulgent" w r i t i n g style (Van M a n e n , 17); one may the t r u t h .  1994:  be seen as not h a v i n g b e e n r i g o u r o u s e n o u g h i n the s e a r c h for  One m i g h t "get side-tracked," "wander," even "become e n c h a n t e d "  w i t h one n o t i o n or a n o t h e r (33).  I s u s p e c t t h a t many, if not all, of these m i s d e e d s are evident i n t h i s p a p e r and,  if so, it m i g h t be a s s u m e d t h a t I, like poor Penelope, have f a l l e n u n d e r 19  the s p e l l of the d r e a m god. A l l t h a t I hope i s t h a t P a n d e m o n i u m does not b r e a k out here as it d i d w i t h the f a i t h f u l weaver.  D a v i d S m i t h c a u t i o n s t h a t entry into the a m b i g u o u s w o r l d of H e r m e s i s f r a u g h t w i t h dangers as w e l l as filled w i t h opportunities. F i r s t of a l l , he s a y s there i s the r i s k of b e i n g seen as i m p u d e n t and,  -37-  therefore, of getting i n t o  "trouble w i t h the 'authorities'" (Smith,  1994,  p. 100). I have b e e n k n o w n to  c a l l out i n class, to s p e a k out of t u r n (Grumet, 1988: 60) so it i s not s u r p r i s i n g t h a t I, as teacher c l a i m i n g the right to have my academy, a m  r e s e a r c h r e a d i n the  again out of line.  Researchers a n d teachers are different knowers, a n d the knowledge they generate as they go a b o u t t h e i r w o r k also differs....There are serious epistemological p r o b l e m s i n identifying as knowledge t h a t w h i c h teachers believe, imagine, i n t u i t , sense a n d reflect upon....Lacking epistemic merit, whatever u n d e r s t a n d i n g , belief, or awareness i s possessed by the teacher s h o u l d not be identified as knowledge. 20  (Fenstermacher, 1994:  47)  The p o s s i b i l i t y t h a t I m i g h t deceive others i s one problem; t h a t we m i g h t a l l be deceived by the w o r d s themselves as w e l l as by the ideas c a r r i e d i n those w o r d s is another. It i s so easy for the w r i t e r to a s s u m e t h a t (s)he h a s c o n t r o l over the w o r d s t h a t (s)he u s e s but, i n fact, those w o r d s are ever a n d a l w a y s b e y o n d control.  21  "When I use a word," H u m p t y D u m p t y s a i d , i n r a t h e r a s c o r n f u l tone, " it m e a n s j u s t w h a t I choose it to m e a n - n e i t h e r m o r e n o r less." Lewis C a r r o l l i n Gardner, 1966: A n y o n e who who  269  p r e s u m e s to k n o w exactly w h a t m e a n i n g s the w o r d s carry, a n y o n e  i m a g i n e s t h a t "the loose a n d baggy monster" (Bruns, 1992: 17) i s only  released w h e n one enters the w o r k of interpreting text h a s b e e n d u p e d a n d  -38-"  may  b e c o m e lost i n a l i n g u i s t i c l a b y r i n t h . W h i l e language i s u s e d to do h e r m e n e u t i c s , it is i m p o r t a n t to be aware t h a t the u s e of language i n itself is a n h e r m e n e u t i c activity. E a c h w o r d carries its own history, its o w n  hidden  messages, its o w n power of ambiguity. Some w o r d s j u s t c a r r y m o r e p o w e r f u l m e d i c i n e t h a n others. It is essential to have respect for a l l words, p a r t i c u l a r l y those w i t h t a n g l e d meanings.  W o r d s are n o t l i k e the t w e n t i e t h c e n t u r y n u c l e a r f a m i l y w i t h 1.8 c h i l d r e n ; w o r d s have large, extended families, c o u s i n s i n closets, in-laws a n d outlaws. T h e p u n is a n o u t l a w who loves to be let loose i n polite a n d s e r i o u s d i s c o u r s e (220); the m e t a p h o r h a s better m a n n e r s b u t c a n prove to be e q u a l l y u n p r e d i c t a b l e , equally disruptive.  Hermeneutics,  says S m i t h , i s "a k i n d of dialogical m e s s i n g about" (121); i t  d e m a n d s a sense of b a l a n c e as those who present the m a t e r i a l for i n t e r p r e t a t i o n a n d those who interpret w h a t is p r e s e n t e d shift p l a c e s o n the teeter-totter. In whatever role one f i n d s oneself, those who enter into t h i s type of w o r k are subject to c o n t r a / d i c t i o n b y the w o r d s a n d b y t h e i r m y s t i c a l a n d g r a m m a t i c a l traces.  There i s a n e e d to f i n d the right frame of m i n d ; the delicate b a l a n c e between t h i s a n d that.  -39-  Tibetan Buddhist,  Soygal R i n p o c h e tells the story of a m o n k w h o faced a  s i m i l a r dilemma: Knowing that S h r o n a h a d been a famous m u s i c i a n before he became a monk, B u d d h a a s k e d h i m , "Weren't y o u a vina player w h e n y o u were a layperson?" S h r o n a nodded. "How d i d y o u get the best s o u n d out of y o u r vina ? W a s it w h e n the s t r i n g s were very tight or w h e n they were very loose?" "Neither. W h e n they h a d j u s t the right t e n s i o n , n e i t h e r too t a u t not too slack." "Well, it's exactly the s a m e w i t h y o u r mind."  (Rinpoche, 1994: 58-59)  The p o i n t of b a l a n c e w i l l not be the same for a l l people. N o r w i l l t h i s p o i n t be a static point. W i t h everything, i n c l u d i n g oneself, i n c o n s t a n t flux, t h e b a l a n c e m u s t be c o n t i n u a l l y renegotiated. It i s m y a s s u m p t i o n t h a t the best p o s i t i o n to be i n to begin a n h e r m e n e u t i c adventure i s i n t h a t m i d d l e place where, i f I a m w i l l i n g , I m a y see b o t h w h a t i s a n d w h a t i s not.  Psychologists t e a c h u s t h a t the m i n d i s capable of perceiving either the relief or the b a c k g r o u n d b u t we c a n n o t perceive b o t h at the same time. (For example, i n l o o k i n g at the f a m i l i a r o p t i c a l i l l u s i o n of the t w o faces a n d the G r e c i a n urn) we c a n literally see either two faces or a grecian [sic] u r n at one time.  -40-  We c a n n o t see b o t h s i m u l t a n e o u s l y . E v e r y t h i n g we k n o w says t h a t one t h i n g c a n n o t be two t h i n g s at the same time. A n d yet we k n o w t h a t two t h i n g s are one t h i n g at one a n d the very s a m e time. (Kushner, 1990, p. 12)  In order to discover the balance, one m u s t be o p e n to the m y s t e r y of paradox; one m u s t place oneself i n the (a) s y m m e t r y a n d a l l o w the i m a g i n a t i o n to p l a y i n the divergence. It i s i n t h i s area of c o n t r a d i c t i o n where t h e i m a g e s d a n c e a n d move. It i s i n t h i s area t h a t the m y s t e r y  22  w h i c h we c a l l t r u t h m i g h t be  revealed.  "In antiquity, s p e a k i n g the t r u t h frequently m e a n t s p e a k i n g d a r k l y , w h e r e a d a r k s a y i n g (was) n o t so m u c h secret speech as a s a y i n g of w h a t c a n n o t be p u t into w o r d s a n d w h i c h m u s t be looked for elsewhere... ; it i s a s a y i n g t h a t s h e d s its light elsewhere t h a n where we stand, p e r h a p s o n t h i n g s we k n o w n o t h i n g a b o u t or have forgotten" (Bruns,  1992: 22). Despite a l l of the r i g o u r  of r e s e a r c h a n d a l l of the best efforts to c o m m u n i c a t e w h a t w a s observed a n d l e a r n e d a n d validated, we c o n t i n u e to see "through the glass d a r k l y " (1 C o r i n t h i a n s 13:12). T h e best one c a n hope for i s to c a t c h a glimpse of w h a t m i g h t be true.  T h e river flowed b o t h ways. T h e c u r r e n t m o v e d f r o m n o r t h to south, b u t the w i n d u s u a l l y c a m e f r o m the south, r i p p l i n g the bronze-green w a t e r i n the opposite direction. T h i s a p p a r e n t l y i m p o s s i b l e c o n t r a d i c t i o n , m a d e a p p a r e n t a n d possible, s t i l l f a s c i n a t e d Morag, even after years of river-watching.  -41-  (Laurence,  1975:  3)  The image of the flow of w o r d s like the flowing of the river is, I believe, very appropriate. L i k e gramarye,  23  w a t e r moves i n c o n c e n t r i c circles, s p i r a l l i n g  o u t w a r d a n d downward. O n the surface, it m a y a p p e a r t r a n q u i l b u t u n d e r the surface there m a y be c u r r e n t s , undertows. Water, like language, i s subject to the w i n d s of change a n d to interferences. O n e has to l e a r n h o w to w o r k w i t h the p o w e r of the words, j u s t as one h a s to l e a r n h o w to c a t c h the w a t e r i n the r i g h t place at the right time.  E l s i e W h i t l o w describes h e r daily crossings of the S k e e n a River n e a r the K i t s e l a s C a n y o n i n the early years of t h i s century: To r e a c h the r a n c h , it was necessary to c r o s s the river. T h i s w a s a c c o m p l i s h e d b y p o l i n g or p a d d l i n g or r o w i n g a boat or a canoe u p f r o m the s a n d b a r to the p o i n t i n the m o u t h of the C a n y o n where, i f angled correctly, the craft w o u l d be c a r r i e d b y the swift c u r r e n t d o w n to a gravel b a r l y i n g i n the river where it w i d e n e d out considerably after h a v i n g escaped to the C a n y o n . The t r i c k was to c a t c h a n eddy at the h e a d of t h i s b a r w h i c h w o u l d c a r r y the craft into comparatively c a l m water flowing a r o u n d i n a large bay-like area b a c k u p the m o u t h of the C a n y o n . If one d i d not c a t c h t h i s eddy j u s t right a n d thereby escape the m a i n flow of the river, there was a great danger of being c a r r i e d to a n a l m o s t c e r t a i n d e a t h i n a race w h i c h r a n w i t h t r e m e n d o u s speed d o w n the n a r r o w c h a n n e l between the b a r a n d the n o r t h b a n k of the river to a l o g j a m at the h e a d of a n i s l a n d at the lower end of the bar. (Scott, 1991:35)  -42-  S i t u a t i n g oneself a n d one's w o r k i n the a c a d e m y m e a n s t a k i n g into c o n s i d e r a t i o n the currents, the eddies a n d the logjams. F o r weeks h e struggled, b u t the methods, the procedures, the exercises, the reasonings m a d e n o sense to h i m . He felt bad. T h e others were getting it. W h a t w a s w r o n g w i t h h i m ? A n d t h e n one day, following h i s o w n style, he saw, it c a m e into focus, he felt, he knew. A n d there w a s l a u g h i n g a n d h o l d i n g a n d loving a n d c a r e s s i n g a n d backslapping, not because he h a d solved the problem, b u t b e c a u s e he h a d f o u n d h i s o w n style.  (Denton, 1972:14)  T h e struggle to f i n d a stance t h a t w i l l be acceptable becomes one where o n e m u s t choose to r e s p o n d i n wholeness, following one's o w n style;  or to  c o m p r o m i s e one's integrity, a p p r o p r i a t i n g someone else's style. The Patch of Sage Old Mouse Lived in was a Haven for Mice. Seeds were Plentiful and there was Nesting Material and many things to be Busy with. "Hello," said Old Mouse.  "Welcome."  -43-  Jumping Mouse was Amazed. Such a Place and Such a Mouse. "You are Truly a great Mouse," Jumping Mouse said with all the Respect he could Find. "This is Truly a Wonderful Place. And the Eagles cannot See you here either," Jumping Mouse said. "Yes," said Old Mouse," and One can see All the Beings of the Prairie here: the Buffalo, Antelope, Rabbit and Coyote. One can See them All from here and Know their Names." "This is Marvelous," Jumping Mouse said. "Can you also See the River and the Great Mountains?' "Yes and No," Old Mouse said with Conviction. "I know there is a Great River. But I am Afraid that the Great Mountains are only a Myth. Forget your Passion to see them and Stay here with me. There is Everything you Want here, and it is a Good Place to Be." "How can he Say such a thing?" thought Jumping Mouse. "The Medicine of the Sacred Mountains is Nothing One can Forget." "Thank you very much for the Meal you have Shared with me, Old Mouse, and also for sharing your Great Home," Jumping Mouse said, "but I must Seek the Mountains." "You are a Foolish Mouse to Leave here. There is Danger on the Prairie! Just Look up there!" Old Mouse said, with even more Conviction. "See all those Spots!" They are Eagles, and they will Catch you!" (Storm,  1972:  76-77)  T h i s story h a s stayed w i t h me since it w a s given to me m a n y y e a r s ago. A l t h o u g h Hyemeyosts S t o r m w a s the storyteller, I received it b y a m u c h m o r e convoluted route. S t i l l I a m grateful to a l l of those along the way. It seems t h a t i n t h i s present w o r k I a m d r i v e n b y a p a s s i o n s i m i l a r to t h a t w h i c h t a k e s J u m p i n g M o u s e f r o m h i s h o m e i n the roots of the tree to the river a n d o u t  -44-  a c r o s s the p r a i r i e s to the S a c r e d M o u n t a i n s , b u t the q u e s t i o n r e m a i n s : Do I have the s t r e n g t h a n d the integrity to keep moving, to c l i m b the m o u n t a i n s a n d b e a r the p a i n of the claws i n my b a c k ?  W i l l I one day, like J u m p i n g  Mouse, see the prairies o n the w i n g s of a n eagle?  M y h a v i n g c h o s e n to follow along w i t h the deity of r o a d s a n d d o o r w a y s does not mean, however, t h a t I a m p l a c i n g my w o r k w h o l l y at the w h i m of the w i l y one. That, I believe, w o u l d be very u n w i s e since I c o u l d as easily f i n d m y s e l f o n a j o y r i d e across the River S t y x as at the gateway to w o r l d s u n k n o w n . p l a y i n g w i t h the text, my  i n t e r p r e t a t i o n a n d re-interpretation,  My  my  a c k n o w l e d g m e n t t h a t one q u e s t i o n leads not to a n a n s w e r b u t to a n o t h e r q u e s t i o n , a n d another, (Lundin, 1993:  i s not a n i n d i c a t i o n t h a t I have "given u p o n t r u t h "  205) but, r a t h e r t h a t I believe t h a t t h r o u g h i n t e r r u p t i o n ,  t h r o u g h d i s r u p t i o n , t h r o u g h t u r n i n g t h i n g s on t h e i r sides, I may  encourage a  p a y i n g of a t t e n t i o n to the ordinary. It i s i n the o r d i n a r y t h a t the e x t r a o r d i n a r y m a k e s its presence known.  A c c o r d i n g to A n t o i n e de S a i n t E x u p e r y , " It i s only w i t h the heart t h a t one see rightly; w h a t i s essential i s invisible to the eye"  (1943, p. 87).  can  The  challenge to t h i s sort of r e / s e a r c h i n g i s to f i n d a way of r e a c h i n g w h a t i s at the h e a r t of the teaching, a m e t h o d of t a p p i n g into w h a t t o u c h e s the h e a r t s of teachers, b y b r e a k i n g i n a n d "crawl(ing) t h r o u g h the n a r r o w spaces" (Pinar, 1994, p. 198) to a deeper u n d e r s t a n d i n g of the p a r t i c u l a r live(d) experiences.  -45-  A n d then, to gently coax o u t the re-memberings,  to b r e a t h e n e w life into  them, to beat o u t the r h y t h m s a n d to c h o r e o g r a p h a new dance, a s h a r e d e x p r e s s i o n of the work.  "Story-telling is a w a y of life". We are a l l tellers of tales; we live s u r r o u n d e d b y o u r o w n stories, t h e stories of others. We see the w o r l d t h r o u g h o u r stories; some of w h i c h m a y never have happened. We m a y even try,  as J e a n P a u l  S a r t r e suggests, to live o u r lives as if, i n so doing, we are t e l l i n g a n o t h e r story (Hwu, 1993: 196). E v e n w h e n it is falsified, story t r u t h is m o r e t r u t h f u l t h a n h a p p e n i n g t r u t h because the story-telling p l a c e s t h e one story w i t h i n t h e h e r m e n e u t i c circle of the larger story (Graham, 1991: 21, 29).  M u c h is to be g a i n e d b y teachers s h a r i n g stories of t e a c h i n g a n d learning; however, I believe t h a t the effect of s u c h storytelling d e p e n d s to a large p a r t n o t o n l y o n the p l a c e s a n d the w a y s i n w h i c h the stories are gathered b u t also o n the places a n d the w a y s i n w h i c h they are shared. T h e p l a c e s a n d the w a y s t h a t I have c h o s e n are b o t h o r d i n a r y a n d o u t of the ordinary, j u s t as t h e storytellers a n d t h e i r stories are b o t h o r d i n a r y a n d o u t of the ordinary.  -46-  Holy Dust (Still M o r e Stories)  consume  [Middle English consumen, from Old French consumer, from Latin consumere, to take up completely, intensively]  A Devouring: A C o n s u m i n g m y h u s b a n d takes h i s grapefruit to the dining-room table m u t t e r i n g s o m e t h i n g about a c a d e m i c i m p e r i a l i s m for I have t a k e n over the k i t c h e n table c o m p u t e r a n d b o o k s a n d papers spread a m u c k s p r e a d o n the stairs spread i n the l i b r a r y the b e d r o o m the living-room even the b a t h r o o m i s n o t free f r o m r o u g h drafts of t h i s and that  b u t I protest for I A M NOT ONE O F T H E M or a m I?  -47-  what i s this writing about? who  i s it for?  de*vour [Middle English devouren from Old French devourer from Latin devorare, to completely swallow]  G e r a l d B r u n s , as I suggested i n the previous r u m i n a t i o n , describes the p u n a s "outlaw discourse, d i s c o u r s e t h a t i s out of control" (220). A l t h o u g h I have frequently b e e n s u r r o u n d e d by those w h o seem to be u n a b l e to resist engaging i n s u c h discourse, I a m rarely tempted to j o i n i n . However, h a v i n g c h o s e n to u s e the Z e n imagery of the s e a r c h i n g for the b u l l as a s e a r c h i n g for the e t e r n a l t r u t h , I i m a g i n e a n u m b e r of w a y s of d e s c r i b i n g a n d r e p o r t i n g t h i s research. In order to p u t at rest a l l of these temptations, I offer two very b r i e f stories.  E a r l i e r t h i s year, m y h u s b a n d r e t u r n e d to the S k e e n a to v i s i t w i t h m e m b e r s of h i s family. O n e t h i n g t h a t h e seemed to f i n d p a r t i c u l a r l y a m u s i n g was t h a t one of h i s c o u s i n s w a s devoted to the e u p h e m i s m , " B u l l dust."  A few d a y s after I h e a r d t h i s story, a friend of m i n e w a s d e s c r i b i n g a s i t u a t i o n t h a t h a d t a k e n place i n h i s classroom. H i s response h a d a p p a r e n t l y b e e n to e x c l a i m , "Holy Shit!" Now, as one w h o quite likes a n d w h o u s e s t h i s p h r a s e o n a r e g u l a r basis, I was not as s u r p r i s e d as a p p a r e n t l y he h a d b e e n b y the outburst.  -48-  B u t i n reflecting o n the two tales, I w o n d e r where we have c o n s t r u c t e d the difference. Surely, b o t h m e n are c o n c e r n e d a b o u t the s a m e w o r d - i t i s j u s t t h a t one was m a k i n g a specific effort to be polite w h i l e the o t h e r w a s e m b a r r a s s e d b y h i s h o n e s t e n t h u s i a s m . I t h i n k t h a t if I were to a s k someone to r e a d m y work, I w o u l d prefer to h e a r the latter t h o u g h a c o m b i n a t i o n of the two m i g h t be the m o s t appropriate - H o l y Dust!  -49-  The Fourth Rumination (Concerning Vocation) Listen to me, O coastlands, and hearken, peoples from afar. The Holy One called me from the womb, from the body of my mother he named my name. Isaiah 49:1-2  S i n c e m y first experiences i n the classroom, more t h a n three decades ago, I have f o u n d m y s e l f d r a w n back, time a n d time again. F r o m travelling, s t u d y i n g , mothering, from b u s i n e s s a n d u n i o n v e n t u r e s and, m o r e recently, f r o m a p o s i t i o n as a teacher-educator at a university. E a c h time t h a t I have re-entered the classroom, the closer I have come to b e i n g c o n v i n c e d t h a t there is s o m e t h i n g i n the m a r r o w of m y b e i n g w h i c h d r a w s me to t h i s work. I f i n d m y s e l f h a v i n g to take s e r i o u s l y the p o s s i b i l i t y t h a t the choice of t e a c h i n g as m y life's w o r k w a s not m i n e to make. Rather, the choice w h i c h I have b e e n given, over a n d over, i s to r e s p o n d or not to r e s p o n d to the c a l l of m y c a l l i n g to t e a c h (Aoki a n d S h a m s h e r , 1990:1; 1993:1).  T h e w o r d v o c a t i o n i s rooted i n the L a t i n vocatio, i n vocare,  a c a l l i n g or s u m m o n i n g , a n d  to call. Of those w h o s e w o r l d view i n c l u d e s the concept of vocation,  m a n y c o n s i d e r the source of the c a l l i n g as c o m i n g f r o m b e y o n d the self; others are m o r e i n c l i n e d to suggest t h a t i t emerges from w h a t is deep i n s i d e the self, f r o m t h a t w h i c h b i n d s u s to the e a r t h a n d to one another. S t i l l others h o l d  -50-  t h a t v o c a t i o n i s b o t h a c a l l i n g f r o m w i t h i n a n d f r o m b e y o n d the self.  P e r h a p s t h i s vocation, t h i s calling, f i n d s its source i n t h a t p l a c e of t h e collective u n c o n s c i o u s where a l l h u m a n longing, suffering a n d hope intersect. Perhaps,  the c a l l i s f r o m deep w i t h i n the self a n d f r o m those w h o s e lives l o n g  to be t o u c h e d b y the gifts t h a t others have to offer. W h a t e v e r the s o u r c e of t h e c a l l , there i s a n e e d for a l i s t e n i n g to the call. To l i s t e n r e q u i r e s a h e a r i n g a n d a heeding, a p a y i n g of a t t e n t i o n to w h a t i s s a i d a n d "to w h a t r e m a i n s u n s a i d " (Moore, 1993: 26). Listening, e x p l a i n s Wen-Song Hwu,  "involves ears, eyes,  m i n d a n d u n d i v i d e d attention" a l l together (201).  In the c h a p t e r w h i c h he c o n t r i b u t e d to the Teachers' College P r e s s p u b l i c a t i o n o n teacher renewal, D w a y n e H u e b n e r describes a v o c a t i o n as "a c a l l i n g forth" a n d "a c a l l i n g by" (1987: 19). He says t h a t "teaching as a v o c a t i o n i s a p a r t of a n o p e n journey, w h i c h we u n d e r s t a n d as a story b e i n g c o m p o s e d i n response to t h a t w h i c h c a l l s us" (25). Teachers,  a c c o r d i n g to Huebner, are c a l l e d b y  the s t u d e n t s , b y the world, b y the c o m m u n i t y a n d b y tradition. R e s p o n d i n g to t h e c a l l of t e a c h i n g r e q u i r e s a n i n t e n t i o n a l i t y a n d a w i l l i n g n e s s to be at one w i t h others - "other people, other places, other times" (19) - a n d a n o p e n n e s s to the c o n s t a n t renewal of the w o r l d w i t h i n a n d without.  W h i l e teachers are called u p o n b y the c o m m u n i t y a n d the t r a d i t i o n s of the c o m m u n i t y to engage the y o u n g i n the recollections of the c o m m u n i t y a n d to  -51-  s h a r e w i t h t h e m the "ways of life t h a t w o u l d decay a n d be forgotten were i t n o t for them" (20), they are at the same time called to be a p a r t of the l i v i n g out of the h o p e s of the people a n d of the c o n t i n u e d t r a n s f o r m a t i o n of t h a t community.  H u e b n e r a s s u r e s u s t h a t "the v o c a t i o n of t e a c h i n g does not p e r m i t fixed m e a n i n g s or values"(21). It requires "a f u n d a m e n t a l fallibility" (24), a n i n s e c u r i t y a n d a w i l l i n g n e s s to take r i s k s . "To be available to the v a s t otherness of the world, to be able to r e s p o n d to the c a l l of others" r e q u i r e s a l i v i n g "without stereotypes a n d closure" (25). I n order to live out one's vocation, there i s a need to l i s t e n a n d there i s a need to be l i s t e n e d to.  "The c a l l to be a teacher often wears thin," says H u e b n e r (17). T e a c h e r s are often d i s c o u r a g e d a n d d i s i l l u s i o n e d i n schools u n d e r the present c o n d i t i o n s (19) a n d yet they feel t h a t they c a n n o t change these c o n d i t i o n s (1995: 269). T h e r e i s a n e e d to u n d e r s t a n d a n d to resist the s t r u c t u r e s of power w h i c h p u m m e l the teacher a n d interfere w i t h a r e s p o n d i n g to the c a l l i n g of the voices of the young, of those c r y i n g for compassion. O n e w a y of e n s u r i n g t h a t children's voices are h e a r d a m i d the "noise of the powerful" (1987:19) i s for teachers to come together a n d to share, to reshape a n d to r e c o m p o s e t h e i r stories (1987: 22; 1995: 271).  A c c o r d i n g to L a r r y C o c h r a n , those w i t h a sense of v o c a t i o n are c o n s t a n t l y i n a  -52-  state of r e s p o n d i n g to the call. W h i l e there are "completions a l o n g the way," says C o c h r a n , "one c a n n o t rest i n a vocation. R a t h e r one strives u n c e a s i n g l y to realize i t " (1990: 160).  M y o w n experience i n the c l a s s r o o m and, more recently, i n t h e s u p e r v i s i o n of student-teachers h a s l e d me to a n u n d e r s t a n d i n g of t e a c h i n g w h i c h e m b r a c e s m a n y of these conceptions of vocation. I n addition, n u m e r o u s c o n v e r s a t i o n s w i t h colleagues a n d w i t h student-teachers have c a u s e d me to q u e s t i o n the r e l a t i o n s h i p between a person's w o r l d view a n d the sense of vocation, to w o n d e r i f there are c i r c u m s t a n c e s w h i c h facilitate the d i s c e r n i n g of a vocation, if there i s a c o n n e c t i o n between those w i t h a sense of v o c a t i o n a n d those w h o have t a k e n time to r e a d w h a t i s w r i t t e n i n a n d o n t h e i r bodies.  In c h o o s i n g to c o n d u c t a r e s e a r c h project i n w h i c h teachers re-membered the w a y s i n w h i c h they c a m e to teaching, the w a y s i n w h i c h they r e s p o n d e d a n d c o n t i n u e to r e s p o n d to the c a l l of t e a c h i n g as w e l l as to those experiences i n s i d e a n d outside of the everyday w o r l d of t e a c h i n g w h i c h m a y have s u p p o r t e d or interfered w i t h t h e i r r e s p o n d i n g to t h a t call, it w a s m y i n t e n t i o n to s h a r e w i t h m y colleagues a n o p p o r t u n i t y to focus a t t e n t i o n o n those p e r s o n a l experiences w h i c h f o r m t h e m as teachers. B y p r o v i d i n g the space for teachers to come together to share t h e i r stories a n d b y i n v i t i n g t h e m a n d others into the r e s h a p i n g a n d r e c o m p o s i n g of t h e i r stories, I hope t h a t I have p l a y e d a p a r t i n f u r t h e r i n g a n u n d e r s t a n d i n g of the power of w o r k i n g i n c o m m u n i t y .  -53-  I hope t h a t the knowledge t h a t I have gained a n d s h a r e d w i l l serve to encourage others to engage i n t h i s type of p r o f e s s i o n a l development activity a n d t h a t i t w i l l generate on-going d i s c u s s i o n s a m o n g other teachers, a n d those who  are c o n s i d e r i n g teaching as their life work.  -54-  teacher-educators  Discovering the Footprints (Of C o m p a n i o n s a n d T h e i r Stories)  T e a c h e r s c a n be the r i c h e s t a n d m o s t u s e f u l s o u r c e of knowledge a b o u t teaching; those w h o hope to u n d e r s t a n d teaching m u s t t u r n at some p o i n t to teachers themselves. (William A y e r s i n Pinar, 1995:  553)  T h e r e are those i n the a c a d e m y w h o c o n t i n u e to believe t h a t teachers have n e i t h e r the interest n o r the ability to engage i n a c r i t i c a l e x a m i n a t i o n of pedagogy a n d that practitioner's research i s more l i k e l y to be atheoretical, t o a d d r e s s " t r i v i a l questions"  (Rudduck, 1992: 165) a n d to p r o d u c e n o  s i g n i f i c a n t c o n t r i b u t i o n s to p r o f e s s i o n a l knowledge. O n the other h a n d ,  there  is a growing b o d y of research w h i c h suggests t h a t the s u c c e s s of p r o f e s s i o n a l development a n d collaborative action research projects m a y d e p e n d u p o n teachers p l a y i n g a m a j o r role i n the i n i t i a t i o n , the d e s i g n a n d the development of the w o r k (Anders & R i c h a r d s o n , 1991; C o c h r a n - S m i t h & Lytle, 1992;  B a i r d , 1992;  F r a n c i s & Sellars, 1994;  Belanger,  1992;  Hollingsworth,  1992;  M i n n e s B r a n d e s , 1994). I recognize that it i s u n l i k e l y t h a t a l l of the p a r t i c i p a n t s i n a collaborative research project w i l l ever h o l d e q u a l s t a t u s , p a r t i c u l a r l y i f the research i s b e i n g conducted, as i n t h i s case, to meet the degree r e q u i r e m e n t s of one m e m b e r of the group. I also realize t h a t m y a t t e m p t s to redress t h i s i n e q u i t y were significant b u t insufficient. D e s p i t e m y h a v i n g c o n d u c t e d t h i s research at the same time as I was t e a c h i n g f u l l t i m e i n  -55-  the p u b l i c s c h o o l classroom, despite m y h a v i n g s i t u a t e d the s t u d y i n a context where I a m k n o w n a s a colleague a n d despite m y h a v i n g p a r t i c i p a t e d i n the s h a r e d p r a x i s activities, I c o u l d not fully remove the hyphen. I w a s a n d a m b o t h teacher a n d researcher, w o r k i n g i n a place t h a t is b o t h i n s i d e a n d o u t s i d e of the research.  Initially, I i m a g i n e d interviewing student-teachers, teacher-educators a n d teachers i n order to g a i n a better u n d e r s t a n d i n g of w h a t m i g h t b e m e a n t b y a v o c a t i o n to teaching. However, after c a r e f u l consideration, I c h o s e to w o r k w i t h a s m a l l group of p r a c t i s i n g a n d retired teachers i n m y h o m e c o m m u n i t y . In the s p r i n g of 1995, I m e t w i t h the Professional D e v e l o p m e n t C o - O r d i n a t o r of the l o c a l teachers' u n i o n a n d w i t h the D i s t r i c t S u p e r i n t e n d e n t of S c h o o l s to e x p l a i n the project a n d to identify teachers w h o m i g h t become i n v o l v e d i n the study. W i t h t h e i r s u p p o r t for m y r e c o m m e n d a t i o n s , I sent letters of i n v i t a t i o n to t w e n t y possible candidates. F o l l o w i n g t h i s i n i t i a l contact, telephone c a l l s were m a d e to e s t a b l i s h suitable times for interviews. D u r i n g A u g u s t a n d S e p t e m b e r of 1995, interviews were conducted w i t h those w h o expressed a n interest i n b e i n g i n v o l v e d i n the project.  1995 08 21 So the work has begun.  I had the initial interview with M- this morning and I feel  quite excited by his enthusiasm for the project.  -56-  Now,  as I sit in the sunshine,  shaped the conversation  listening to the tape, I focus on the words that  - privilege,  enriching,  relationships,  enjoy, share,  love,  questions.  1995 08 22 Two more interviews  conducted  today - one with a woman who is planning  to  retire at the end of the year and the other with one who retired several years ago. As I listen to the taped recordings of our conversations,  I am intrigued by those  things that we share in common - the insecurity of the self and the corifidence comes through the teaching, difference,  the pleasure  that  in seeing that you can make a  and the excitement in thinking and planning  in such a way that  students can become involved in learning. [personal journal  entries]  W h i l e the i n i t i a l i n t e n t i o n of the interviews w a s to select only those w h o expressed a sense of v o c a t i o n to teaching, t h i s c r i t e r i o n w a s r e v i s e d so t h a t a l l who  c o n f i r m e d t h e i r interest i n e x a m i n i n g t e a c h i n g as a v o c a t i o n a n d w h o  expressed t h e i r w i l l i n g n e s s to engage i n a u t o b i o g r a p h i c a l w r i t i n g were i n v i t e d to p a r t i c i p a t e i n the r e s e a r c h project. In the end, j o u r n e y i n c l u d e d five w o m e n a n d s i x men,  the c o m p a n i o n s o n the  two of w h o m are retired. Of the five  w o m e n i n the group, one w a s a student-teacher for w h o m I acted as a f a c u l t y advisor, one p r e v i o u s l y w o r k e d w i t h me as p a r t of a c u r r i c u l u m development project a n d one t a u g h t m y d a u g h t e r w h i l e a n o t h e r t a u g h t m y son. A l l s i x of  -57-  the m e n have b e e n colleagues of m i n e at one time or another. E v e r y o n e b r o u g h t stories of t e a c h i n g f r o m m a n y different t e a c h i n g areas a n d grade levels, i n c l u d i n g the university.  T h e following i s a n excerpt f r o m some of the a u t o b i o g r a p h i c a l w r i t i n g t h a t w a s generated a n d collected d u r i n g a two-day retreat i n October, 1995.  [ J love playing playmates  with children.  Actually,  Ijust love playing  - period.  doesn't really have much to do with it.  Playing seems to me to be the best vehicle for learning - its fun. be fun,  then I think we call it work. It's adventure - exploring,  changing.  There's an interesting ingredient - change. Adapting,  rules ... It's forgiving. then, again,  When it ceases to watching, redefining the  Play is serious stuff - only you don't take it seriously or  it becomes work. You make mistakes when you play and no one  takes notice. You can challenge yourself and others, have battles, accidents,  The age of my  scream and yell and, in the end, all is forgiven - because  cause you're  playing.]  O n the F r i d a y evening, we gathered for a m e a l i n m y h o m e - one of those w o n d e r f u l t r a d i t i o n a l gatherings t h a t we c a l l a p o t l u c k d i n n e r w h e r e everyone c o n t r i b u t e s s o m e t h i n g s p e c i a l to share w i t h others.  -58-  1995 10 15 It is less than a week before the retreat I went to Granville Island this morning to pick up breads and condiments for Friday evening. Although I have completed all but one of the initial interviews, I have not had time to continue my responses in this journal The threads continue though. This week I was particularly moved by conversations with two men whom I have known and worked with for a number of years. Both expressed a passionate commitment to teaching and to kids. I continue to worry about the retreat and my ability to make the most of our limited time together. Fortunately, the feedback at dCT (particularly from Bill and Richard whose work I have drawn on so extensively) helped me to reconceptualize the process. As I see the interactions unfolding, Friday evening is to be a time for us to socialize and to build a common understanding of Saturday's work. [personal journal  entry]  T h e r e were stories a n d there w a s laughter a n d a brief, b u t heated debate between those w h o u s e the w o r d v o c a t i o n w i t h absolute c o n v i c t i o n a n d those w h o are u n c o m f o r t a b l e w i t h the concept.  1995 10 21 Today is the day. Last night, everyone except B-, was here for a potluck dinner and some informal time together. I really did not expect such enthusiasm, such an extended and rich discussion on a Friday night Otherwise, I would have used a tape recorder. I must try to recapture the stories and the comments about ''bumbling' and "meandering." 1  It is going to be important to find the right balance today - keeping in and out, leading and not leading.  keeping  [personal journal  -59-  entry]  S a t u r d a y m o r n i n g was one of those b e a u t i f u l l y bright, c r i s p m o r n i n g s t h a t are so m u c h l o o k e d forward to here i n the we(s)t coast rainforest. W e a r r i v e d at the retreat centre j u s t as the s u n was f i n d i n g its w a y t h r o u g h the trees. T h e b i r d s were s i n g i n g a n d there was a n excitement i n the air. T h e p a t h t h r o u g h the g a r d e n to the h o u s e w a s s t i l l d a m p e n e d w i t h dew but, inside, there w a s w a r m t h a n d f r e s h coffee, a comfortable place to share o u r stories w i t h o n e another.  U s i n g those strategies w h i c h I have d i s c u s s e d earlier a n d w h i c h i n c o r p o r a t e d aspects of R i c h a r d Butt's collaborative a u t o b i o g r a p h i c a l r e s e a r c h (1990; B i l l Pinar's m e t h o d of currere  (1994) a n d T h o m a s Groome's shared  1988),  praxis  (1991), I i n v i t e d m y c o m p a n i o n s to c o n s i d e r the following questions:  (1) H o w does y o u r c a l l to t e a c h i n g manifest itself i n y o u r life at p r e s e n t ? (2) If y o u were to s h a r e w i t h u s a photograph of y o u r s e l f as a student, w h a t w o u l d we see a n d w h a t story w o u l d it tell? (3) W h a t v i s i o n d r a w s y o u into the f u t u r e ? (4)  H o w m i g h t y o u r t e a c h i n g help you, y o u r students, the s c h o o l a n d the s c h o o l s y s t e m to move toward y o u r v i s i o n ?  The q u e s t i o n s were posed one at a time, a l l o w i n g a n h o u r of response time a n d a n h o u r of s h a r i n g time for each. T h r o u g h o u t the day, people w o r k e d  -60-  alone, i n s m a l l a n d i n large groups. We a l l f o u n d p l a c e s to be p e a c e f u l - b y the fireplace, o u t s i d e i n the garden, i n the study. A s I w a n d e r e d a r o u n d , I f o u n d people t a l k i n g w i t h one another, d r a w i n g pictures, w r i t i n g poetry, i n t e n s e i n t h e i r reflections. E a c h time t h a t the group c a m e b a c k together, we s h a r e d o u r responses w i t h each other t h r o u g h a variety of methods. S o m e r e a d to us, some t o l d stories, others s h o w e d u s p i c t u r e s or re-enacted events a n d one m a d e m u s i c .  1995 10 21 First  Writing:  Question:  How does your call to teaching manifest itself in your life at present?  At the present time, it is very difficult to remember the conviction that I held just a few months ago. The system overwhelms with unrealistic demands and expectations that seem to have little educational function. The students who really have little commitment to learning do not call me to teach. They don't call me at all. So it remains memories of past experiences of the passion and the satisfaction which call, the hope that things might change. Then again, maybe it is just the economic necessity, or the philosophical commitment to this project, that calls me to teach. Am I making a big mistake  here? Here today?  I sit, watching the leaves fall I listen to the ducks and I wonder Are  there gnimblings  inside?  -61-  1995 10 21 Fourth  Writing:  Question:  How might your teaching help you, your students, school system to move toward your vision?  the school and the  We need to share who we are as we have today. There seems to me to be an absence of this sort of intergenerational pedagogy. If we do not learn from those who have gone before we will continue to take two steps forward and two steps back. The tripudium is three steps forward slow process.  and one step back. Transformation [personal journal  is a  entries]  T h e r e were p a i n f u l stories s h a r e d t h a t w i l l c o n t i n u e to t o u c h o u r lives a n d affect o u r t e a c h i n g for m a n y years to come. B u t there was also a great d e a l of j o y a n d m u c h laughter.  [My motivation to teach is primarily  to play and my "call" is just like a friend  calling  me from outside to come out and play after dinner.  I enjoy myself most when I can play at the things I do - I play in the kitchen, play in the garden,  I  I play on my sailboat and I often get to play at school - that is  so long as I stay committed to the kids. I find them most eager to play - many of the adults seem reluctant - maybe they've forgotten how to play or how good it  -62-  feels to play - maybe nobody has called them to play lately.  This opportunity this weekend  is playing,  isn't it? A group of friends got together  because Jeanette said," Hey, wanna come out and play7'  And  an opportunity to play with kids our own age doesn't happen enough these  days. ]  A s I reread t h i s excerpt f r o m one of the pieces of w r i t i n g given to m e at the retreat a n d as I look b a c k o n o u r time together, I a m able to see the k i n s h i p t h a t S h a u n G a l l a g h e r (1992: 46) suggests exists between p l a y [paidid) education  [paideia).  Paidia/Paideia p l a y i n g together P L A Y I N G together playing T O G E T H E R together p l a y i n g together: T O G E T H E R N E S S PLAYING: p l a y f u l n e s s together we p l a y we p l a y together we teachers play p l a y at t e a c h i n g teach about playing play about teaching together teaching playing together 24  -63-  and  F o l l o w i n g the retreat, I w o r k e d w i t h t r a n s c r i p t s of the i n i t i a l interviews t h a t I h a d c o n d u c t e d w i t h e a c h of the teachers w h o p a r t i c i p a t e d i n the study,  with  m a t e r i a l s w h i c h h a d b e e n gathered over the two days t h a t we s p e n t together, a n d w i t h m y j o u r n a l entries to create a d r a m a t i c w o r k w h i c h I h o p e d w o u l d allow o u r stories to be s h a r e d i n a w i d e r audience.  1995 12 27 Two months after the retreat and I am hack at the work. Each of those who participated in the project had so much to contribute and, while I knew this from the start, I have quite a different under (?inter?) standing of that now. After reading my colleagues' words so much more carefully, after choosing, shaping and reshaping their stories (and my story) into a larger tapestry of words of lives of teaching, Ifeel that I know each person much more intimately than before. [personal journal  -64-  entry]  The Fifth Rumination (On the Use of D r a m a )  H u m a n i n t e r a c t i o n i s at the heart of teaching; a n d d r a m a i s at the h e a r t of a l l h u m a n i n t e r a c t i o n b e c a u s e it h a s the power to m a k e t h r e s h o l d people of b o t h p a r t i c i p a n t s a n d spectators. D r a m a a n d theatre provide o p p o r t u n i t i e s for a very special k i n d of border c r o s s i n g experience because they offer w a y s of c o m i n g to a n u n d e r s t a n d i n g  of the w o r l d f r o m a place t h a t i s b e t w e e n the  aesthetic a n d the m u n d a n e (Grumet, 1988: 79) a n d between I a n d T h o u .  F o r A u g u s t o B o a l , the theatre i s a n d always h a s b e e n at the centre of life. It is "a place where time a n d space, even people a n d objects, c a n b e unfolded, c o n d e n s e d a n d changed" (Feldhendler, 1994:  94). B e c a u s e of the s p e c i a l  q u a l i t i e s of the aesthetic space w h e r e i n it dwells, d r a m a allows b o t h the actor a n d the spectator to experience a convergence of self a n d other, of time present a n d time absent, of t h i s place a n d not t h i s place. In a d d i t i o n , b e c a u s e of its u n i q u e knowledge-enhancing power, w h i c h B o a l describes a s "gnoseological power" (Boal, 1995: 28), d r a m a enables actors a n d  spectators  to g a i n a special k i n d of knowledge, a knowledge t h a t emerges f r o m a j u x t a p o s i t i o n i n g of w h a t i s h a p p e n i n g a n d w h a t i s not h a p p e n i n g , a knowledge of w h a t it m e a n s to c o n j o i n "the observing-I, the l-in-situ  , and  the  not-I" (13), a n d a knowledge of h o w the w o r l d m i g h t be if we were able to see clearly those t h i n g s w h i c h n o r m a l l y  "would escape o u r gaze" (28).  -65-  J a c q u e s p r o c l a i m s , i n As You Like It, t h a t "all the world's a stage a n d a l l the m e n a n d w o m e n (are) merely players; they have t h e i r exits a n d t h e i r entrances, a n d one m a n i n h i s time p l a y s m a n y parts." In t h i s revisiting of Pythagorus' metaphor, S h a k e s p e a r e r e m i n d s u s that, w h e t h e r i n the f o r m of p l a y or i n the variety of roles w h i c h we a s s u m e i n o u r daily living, the h u m a n a n i m a l i s c o n s t a n t l y involved i n d r a m a t i c activities. A s i n d i v i d u a l s a n d as a species, we are so i m m e r s e d i n d r a m a t h a t we often fail to recognize o u r c o n s t a n t s h i f t i n g f r o m one self to (an) other. T h e teacher, however, m u s t develop s u c h a c o n s c i o u s n e s s so t h a t (s)he i s profoundly aware of the selves at the core, t h e selves o n the surface, a n d the selves outside the self. T h e teacher m u s t m a k e c o n s c i o u s decisions a b o u t the m a s k s that (s)he wears a n d a b o u t the degree to w h i c h it i s appropriate to reveal the r e a l face b e h i n d the mask; the teacher m u s t l e a r n h o w to see a m a s k a n d h o w to see t h r o u g h a mask. T h o s e w h o t e a c h n e e d to develop the ability to conceal a n d to expose a n a u t h e n t i c i t y of flesh a n d b l o o d t h r o u g h the mask.  A r t f u l w a t c h i n g of relevant theatre helps u s to struggle w i t h d e c i s i o n s a b o u t the m a s k s t h a t we w i l l choose to w e a r i n the c l a s s r o o m a n d elsewhere. A r t f u l d o i n g encourages u s to deconstruct our conceptions of the classroom, to c o n s t r u c t a n a u t h e n t i c i t y of the self as teacher,  a n d to r e c o n s t r u c t a v i s i o n of  the s c h o o l as a place of transformation. T h o s e of u s who,  i n community,  have experienced a n d reflected o n w h a t it m e a n s to m a k e believe t h a t we are teachers or s t u d e n t s like a n d u n l i k e ourselves are more l i k e l y to c a r r y t h a t  -66-  u n d e r s t a n d i n g of the w o r l d into the classroom.  S i n c e h u m a n s w a l k e d o u t of the dreamtime into the confines a n d t h e deep recesses of i n d i v i d u a l i t y a n d the need to know, they have c o n t i n u e d to seek w a y s of m o v i n g b a c k a n d forth between the present w o r l d a n d the eternal. O n l y t h r o u g h the power of the i m a g i n a t i o n c a n the h u m a n be freed i n t e l l e c t u a l l y a n d e m o t i o n a l l y to cross over f r o m one place to another, o n e time to another, one body to another. T h r o u g h the power of ex stasis, freedom f r o m the self, a n d w i t h i n a n anamnesis,  of  or re-present-ing of t h e  other, drama, specifically, provides s u c h a n opportunity.  M a k i n g the self a n d others believe n o t only t h a t s u c h t r a n s f o r m a t i o n s are p o s s i b l e b u t also t h a t they have o c c u r r e d i s t r a d i t i o n a l l y the w o r k of s h a m a n s a n d s p i r i t dancers b u t h a s become, i n the fragmentation t h a t we k n o w as m o d e r n civilization, a f u n c t i o n of religion, of art, or of madness.  Before h u m a n k i n d d e s a c r a l i z e d the world, before there w a s a n e e d to n a m e the singing, the dancing, the re-membering a n d the i m a g i n i n g , there w a s n o art, a n d there w a s n o m a d n e s s - only the desire to be d r i v e n f r o m the self t o w a r d s t r a n s f o r m a t i o n . Later, after a w o r l d of differences w a s c o n s t r u c t e d , a w o r l d w h i c h i s u n d e r s t o o d t h r o u g h the m i n d ,  r a t h e r t h a n t h r o u g h the body, a r t  b e c a m e a w a y of expressing knowledge r a t h e r t h a n a w a y of b e i n g i n t h e world. T h e a r t i s t w a s t a u g h t to v a l u e c o g n i t i o n over s e n s a t i o n , to avoid b e c o m i n g  -67-  totally i n v o l v e d i n the drumbeat. T h e artist w a s expected n o t to lose control, never to i m a g i n e the u n i m a g i n a b l e .  Nevertheless, l i k e the p r o p h e t a n d the priest, b o t h the foolish a n d the m a d f i n d themselves i n t h a t sort of place where the b o r d e r s of h u m a n reality are apt to be r u p t u r e d u n e x p e c t e d l y either b y the d a i m o n s w h o dwell w i t h i n o r b y the w e l l s p r i n g s of the h o l y w h i c h are beyond. T h o s e w h o devote t h e i r lives to t h e i r art, or to t h e i r faith, move i n a sort of p r e c i p i t o u s place b e t w e e n i d e n t i t y a n d no identity, t r e a d i n g a p a t h between the self,  w h o i n v i e w i n g the w o r l d f r o m  i n s i d e the b o d y a s s u m e s a w o r l d a s k n o w n b y the self, a n d the divine, w h o i n b e i n g able to view the w o r l d t h r o u g h a freedom f r o m self, acknowledges m a n y selves.  A n i n t e n t i o n a l d w e l l i n g i n t h i s place where f a n t a s y a n d reality are one is the a r t of the actor; a n u n i n t e n t i o n a l l i v i n g i n s u c h a p l a c e is the c u r s e of the mad(wo)man. Yet the space w h i c h separates the two is like rice paper; it i s p i t h y b u t o h so fragile.  J o h n C a p u t o says t h a t "the w o r k of art s p r i n g s not f r o m p u r e m a d n e s s b u t f r o m the i n v a s i o n of r e a s o n b y madness, f r o m the t e n s i o n o r c o n f r o n t a t i o n between r e a s o n a n d u n r e a s o n "  (1993: 241). I w o u l d suggest r a t h e r t h a t it  s p r i n g s f r o m divine i n s p i r a t i o n w h i c h , b e c a u s e of its d i s t a n c e f r o m p u r e reason,  is often m i s t a k e n as madness. B o t h offer a freedom f r o m self; b o t h  -68-  d e m a n d a n openness to a re-presenting of the other. The difference between the two i s t h a t p u r e m a d n e s s alienates the self; i t d r a w s the self i n t o a b l a c k hole of self. W h e r e there i s total s u b m i s s i o n to the m a d n e s s , there i s no a r t (242) a n d there i s no teaching. O n the other h a n d , total o p e n n e s s to the w o r k i n g of the h o l y w i t h i n the h u m a n i s fertile g r o u n d b o t h for a r t a n d for t r a n s f o r m a t i o n a l pedagogy.  I am  not s u r e i f it i s possible to r e t u r n once one h a s t r u l y c r o s s e d t h a t b o r d e r  b e t w e e n u n a l i e n a t e d m a d n e s s a n d "alienated madness" (235); b u t I a m c e r t a i n t h a t i n order to experience w h a t M i c h e l F o u c a u l t c a l l s the "night of t r u t h " (Caputo, 1993:233), one m u s t w a l k very, very close to the edge. T h e r e one may  be able to r e s p o n d to t h a t w h i c h calls u s to live out a v i s i o n of w h o l e n e s s  t h r o u g h a n acknowledgement a n d a v a l u i n g of difference, t h r o u g h a giving u p of the o v e r w h e l m i n g desire to k n o w everything. T h e r e one may i n the absence of the reasonable,  l e a r n to linger  to l i s t e n to a n d to l e a r n f r o m the silence.  O n l y t h e n w i l l i t become possible to be o p e n to the other s p e a k i n g a n d a c t i n g t h r o u g h the self; only t h e n w i l l i t be possible to l e a d others to a s h a r i n g of these experiences.  It i s not my  i n t e n t i o n to suggest t h a t a n i n d i v i d u a l be d r i v e n to the edge of  m a d n e s s , t h o u g h m a n y may  imagine t h a t t h i s i s a n inevitable p a r t of the j o b  of teaching, b u t I do believe that, i n order to acquire a w i l l i n g n e s s to t a k e the n e c e s s a r y r i s k s , there i s a need for a "stumbl(ing) i n ambiguity" (Grumet,  -69-  1988:470). T h o s e who teach, like those who act, m u s t w i l l i n g l y l e a r n f r o m t h e i r m i s t a k e s a n d they m u s t a l l o w a n i n d w e l l i n g of the other (Macdonald, 1974: 113; Huebner, 1995: .273), they m u s t become w h a t Peter B r o o k describes as open doors (1993).  N e i t h e r the actor n o r the teacher s h o u l d s i m p l y offer h i m s e l f or herself as a m e d i u m for others to achieve t h e i r ends. However, j u s t as the a c t o r m u s t c o n s c i o u s l y develop a n ability to be o p e n to the needs a n d desires of (an) other, teachers also n e e d to be capable of r e s p o n d i n g to s t u d e n t s as they present themselves r a t h e r t h a n as they are described i n n u m e r o u s b u r e a u c r a t i c records a n d reports. The b e g i n n i n g a n d end of e d u c a t i o n a l c o n v e r s a t i o n i s also a c o n c e r n for the p e r s o n - not people i n the abstract, not theories a b o u t traits, l e a r n i n g styles, c u l t u r a l b a c k g r o u n d , or how the y o u n g people of today differ f r o m those of yesterday... The s u b j e c t s of these conversations are categories, not persons... Teachers... do not see or meet categories; s u c h classifications are stereotypes, a f o r m of prejudice. Teachers meet persons. Teachers encounter a u n i q u e l y formed person different f r o m any other p e r s o n i n the world, a p e r s o n w i t h h i s or h e r own p a r t i c u l a r story.... (Huebner, 1995:  273)  The greater the s e p a r a t i o n between the w o r l d of c r e a t i o n a n d the w o r l d of commerce, the greater the d e m a n d for e d u c a t i o n to become a t e c h n o l o g i c a l extravaganza.  Yet, c o m p u t e r s a n d interactive video i n s t r u c t i o n aside, a l l  t h a t t e a c h i n g r e q u i r e s i s "two h u m a n beings, a p a s s i o n " (Boal, 1995: 16) a n d  -70-  a space i n w h i c h l e a r n i n g c a n happen. S i m i l a r l y , the greater the s e p a r a t i o n between the w o r l d of s e n s a t i o n a n d the w o r l d of cognition, the greater the d e m a n d for the theatre to become spectacle.  In spite of the costumes, t h e  m a s k s , the sets, the special effects, d r a m a w i l l emerge where there i s a n actor, a spectator, a n "empty space" (Brook, 1968), a w i l l i n g n e s s to free the self f r o m the self a n d a desire to m a k e present t h a t w h i c h , i n the w o r l d of Cronos, does n o t appear to be present.  A c c o r d i n g to Brook, a n y bare space m a y serve a s a stage. T h e t r a n s f o r m a t i o n of t h a t space into a place set a p a r t for the d r a m a to u n f o l d does n o t d e p e n d o n p h y s i c a l l y filling the e m p t i n e s s b u t r a t h e r o n a l l o w i n g t h a t e m p t i n e s s to provide a m e e t i n g place for the energies of the one w h o a r t f u l l y does a n d the one w h o artfully watches. (1993: 5).  We p u t t h i r t y spokes together a n d c a l l it a wheel; B u t i t i s o n the space where there i s n o t h i n g t h a t the u t i l i t y of the w h e e l depends. We t u r n clay to m a k e a vessel; B u t it i s o n the space where there i s n o t h i n g t h a t the u t i l i t y of the vessel depends. Therefore j u s t a s we take advantage of w h a t i s we s h o u l d recognize the u t i l i t y of w h a t i s not. (Corrado F i u m a r a , 1990: 102)  In s h a r i n g w i t h u s the w o r d s of Lao Tze, C o r r a d o F i u m a r a d r a w s o u r a t t e n t i o n to the generativity w h i c h i s present i n silence a n d i n e m p t y spaces. These  -71-  places of a p p a r e n t n o t h i n g n e s s are the sites w h e r e i n the m y s t e r y t h a t i s the a r t itself becomes present to us. The places i n w h i c h the energies a n d the desires of s t u d e n t s a n d teachers converge h o l d a s i m i l a r m a g i c b u t one w h i c h i s n o t always productive. The greater the d e m a n d to a d d the t r a p p i n g s of technology, the lesser the c h a n c e t h a t those m o m e n t s of t r a n s f o r m a t i o n w h i c h h a p p e n , unplanned,  between whole beings engaged i n the act of l e a r n i n g w i l l occur.  D o r o t h y Heathcote h a s d e s c r i b e d d r a m a w o r k as a m e a n s of r e c o n c e p t u a l i z i n g the w o r l d b y a "living through" the m e s s i n e s s of h u m a n experience (Heathcote, 1983). C o m m o n l y referred to as role d r a m a , Heathcote's k i n d of d r a m a w o r k h a s b e e n u s e d i n schools a n d i n teacher e d u c a t i o n p r o g r a m m e s s i n c e the late sixties. B y r e s p o n d i n g "as i f c e r t a i n c i r c u m s t a n c e s existed, p a r t i c i p a n t s are e n c o u r a g e d to look at "reality t h r o u g h fantasy, to see below the s u r f a c e of actions to t h e i r meaning" (Wagner, 1976: 15). T a k i n g the role of the other i s a way of acknowledging a n d v a l u i n g difference at the s a m e time as it r e c l a i m s w h o l e n e s s (167). A c c o r d i n g to Heathcote, role d r a m a is a way of "dropping to the universal," of t a p p i n g "the w e l l s p r i n g , the s o u r c e of h u m a n u n d e r s t a n d i n g " (76).  W h i l e Heathcote's role d r a m a d r a w s p a r t i c i p a n t s into the "as i f experience, A u g u s t o Boal's s c h o o l of theatre focusses more o n the "what if."  Both  Heathcote a n d B o a l are c o m m i t t e d to the u s e f u l n e s s of theatre b u t Theatre of the O p p r e s s e d definitely presses f u r t h e r into the r e a l m of p e r s o n a l a n d s o c i a l  -72-  t r a n s f o r m a t i o n . In the Heathcote k i n d of d r a m a work, there u s u a l l y are no spectators, o n l y p a r t i c i p a n t s . A l t h o u g h Boal's w o r k is presented as theatre, he e m p l o y s a variety of t e c h n i q u e s to actively engage the audience i n the work, to t r a n s f o r m the spectators into "spect-actors." Initially i n t e n d e d as a m e a n s of p o l i t i c a l l y activating those who w o u l d prefer to r e m a i n passive, Boal's c r e a t i o n of d r a m a games a n d i m p r o v i s a t i o n a l t e c h n i q u e s for u s e w i t h actors a n d non-actors h a s given a new m e a n i n g to p a r t i c i p a t o r y theatre. W h e t h e r b e i n g u s e d for p e r s o n a l or s o c i a l change, collective e m p o w e r m e n t or t r a n s f o r m a t i o n a l learning, h i s u n i q u e b l e n d of c a t h a r s i s a n d h u m o u r h a s p r o v e n to be a n effective way of c o n f r o n t i n g c o n t e m p o r a r y p r o b l e m s s u c h as violence, r a c i s m , h o m o p h o b i a a n d homelessness. T h r o u g h the subversive strategies of the j o k e r i n F o r u m theatre a n d the m a i e u t i c w o r k of the director i n R a i n b o w of Desire, B o a l exploits the power of the e m p t y space to e x a m i n e a n d to overcome i n t e r n a l a n d e x t e r n a l oppressions. In h i s r e f u s a l to a l l o w actors or "spect-actors" to m a k e easy judgements, to avoid the deep c o m p l e x i t y of h u m a n interactions, B o a l r e c l a i m s the t r a n s f o r m a t i v e power of the theatre.  D r a m a is, a n d always h a s been, a way of learning, a way of c h a n g i n g people, a way of t u r n i n g the world. It is not a b o u t p r e t e n d i n g n o r a b o u t p e r f o r m i n g b u t r a t h e r a b o u t m a k i n g believe. L e a r n i n g t h r o u g h d r a m a is a r e s u l t of the doing, and, i n the case of the B o a l work, the redoing, as w e l l as the reflection o n the doing a n d re-doing. B e c a u s e i t l o o k s at life as "through a prism," b e c a u s e i t "illuminate(s) i n a s p e c i a l way,"  -73-  drama is a multi-  d i m e n s i o n e d , m a n y - c o l o u r e d m e a n s of c o m i n g to "a c h a n g e i n u n d e r s t a n d i n g " (Bolton, 1994).  W h i l e the actor does h o l d a m i r r o r u p to nature, it m u s t be u n d e r s t o o d t h a t the actor i s able to p a s s t h r o u g h the l o o k i n g glass into a place w h e r e there i s n o n e e d to w o r r y a b o u t allowing the words, the actions to u n f o l d u n p l a n n e d . T h i s p r o t e c t i o n f r o m consequences m e a n s that, t h r o u g h d r a m a , it i s p o s s i b l e to rehearse daily living. D r a m a w o r k i s far more t h a n s i m p l y p l a y i n g a r o u n d . It i s a w a y of c o n f r o n t i n g h u m a n beings, as subjects a n d objects, w i t h s i t u a t i o n s w h i c h w i l l challenge t h e m and, inevitably, w i l l c h a n g e them.  A c c o r d i n g to M u r r a y Schafer, d r a m a h a s the power to b r i n g u s into a space w h e r e it i s possible to resist the "world of plans" a n d to r e c l a i m " t h e w o r l d of h a p p e n i n g s " (Schafer, 1991:88). M y d e c i s i o n to u s e d r a m a to d r a w o u t a n d to s h a r e teachers' stories was, it seemed to me,  a w a y of i n v i t i n g people into  t h i s sort of place, a w a y of s i t u a t i n g the work, as T e d A o k i suggests, i n a l a n d s c a p e w h i c h i s c o n s t a n t l y retextured a n d d i s t u r b e d b y a m u l t i p l i c i t y of lived experiences (Aoki, 1993: 259).  In a p a p e r presented to the a n n u a l meeting of the A m e r i c a n E d u c a t i o n a l R e s e a r c h A s s o c i a t i o n i n S a n F r a n c i s c o i n A p r i l , 1995, Robert D o n m o y e r a n d J u n e Y e n n i e - D o n m o y e r stated that: the rise of qualitative methods... w a s i n p a r t a r e s p o n s e  -74-  to a growing awareness of w h a t gets lost w h e n we t r a n s l a t e experience into the language of statistics a n d try to t a l k of h u m a n beings solely i n t e r m s of general categories a n d ideal types (1995: 2)  In s e e k i n g to "capture h u m a n experience w i t h o u t d i s t o r t i n g o r t r i v i a l i z i n g i t " (3), they b e g a n to explore d r a m a a s a w a y of s h a r i n g t h e d a t a t h a t t h e y h a d gathered. T h e i r d e c i s i o n to u s e readers' theatre a s a w a y of p r e s e n t i n g t h e i r f i n d i n g s w a s b a s e d o n a n u n d e r s t a n d i n g t h a t t h i s f o r m w o u l d provide t h e a u d i e n c e w i t h a n o p p o r t u n i t y "to create m e a n i n g f r o m w h a t [was] suggested, r a t h e r t h a n f r o m w h a t [was] literally shown" (7).  W o r k i n g w i t h colleagues a t L o u i s i a n a State University, P e t r a M u n r o h a s also c h o s e n t h i s m e t h o d of p r e s e n t a t i o n for d a t a w h i c h were gathered i n a recent s t u d y of the lives of a g r o u p of retired w o m e n teachers. I n a t t e n d i n g a performance of t h i s w o r k presented to the A n n u a l Conference of the J o u r n a l of C u r r i c u l u m T h e o r i z i n g a t t h e Centre for t h e F i n e A r t s i n Banff, A l b e r t a i n October, 1994, I w a s a s s u r e d of the power of d r a m a to offer a w a y of c o m i n g to a n u n d e r s t a n d i n g of h u m a n experience f r o m t h e i n s i d e out. It w a s t h e n t h a t I a c k n o w l e d g e d t h e i m p o r t a n c e of m y doing m y r e s e a r c h i n a n a r e a t h a t I k n e w a n d t h r o u g h a m e t h o d w h i c h I understood.  B y c h o o s i n g t h i s m e a n s of t r a n s f o r m i n g a n d re-present-ing t h e teachers' stories, I h o p e d to provide a w a y for "the subtleties,  -75-  the n u a n c e s , t h e gaps,  the fissures, the silences" (Leggo, 1995: 6) of the s h a r e d experiences to s p e a k to those w h o s e stories were b e i n g told as w e l l as to the other m e m b e r s of the audience.  -76-  The  Musings of the Ducks  (At the H e a r t of it A l l : a Readers' Theatre p r e s e n t a t i o n of collected texts of teaching)  Characters: Voice 1:  the voice of experience  Voice 2:  the voice of c o m m i t m e n t (Gillian Lewis)  Voice 3:  the voice of c o m p a s s i o n (Mary E l l e n Stewart)  Voice 4:  the voice of i d e a l i s m (Eric Anderson)  Voice 5:  the voice of p a s s i o n ( J o h n M a r s h a l l ) * m u s i c i a n  Voice 6:  the voice of perseverance (Elizabeth B r o c k )  Voice 7:  the voice of c o n f u s i o n (Lucien Robilliard)  Voice 8:  the voice of the artist (James M u r p h y )  Voice 9:  the voice of the fool (Janet Cameron)  Voice 10: the voice of the  (Howard Blaney)  schoolmaster  A l l of the actors are dressed i n black. The actor reading Voice 10 w e a r s a n a c a d e m i c g o w n a n d the one reading Voice 9 wears a jester's hat. The  readers  sit o n stools p l a c e d i n s m a l l g r o u p s on v a r i o u s p a r t s of the stage. The a r t i s t a n d the fool are together at stage right, the m u s i c i a n i s at centre stage w i t h i n b u t not w i t h i n one of the g r o u p s a n d the s c h o o l m a s t e r r e m a i n s a p a r t f r o m the others at stage left. E a c h actor has a m u s i c s t a n d to h o l d the text.  (The m u s i c i a n begins to p l a y softly. The theme i s p l a y e d t h r o u g h before the o p e n i n g scene i s a n n o u n c e d by Voice 10.)  -77-  ~ IN T H E BEGINNING ~  Voice 10: E r i c Anderson. Voice 4:  Present.  Voice 10: H o w a r d Blaney. Voice 5:  Present.  Voice 10: E l i z a b e t h Brock. Voice 6:  Present.  Voice 10: J a n e t C a m e r o n . Voice 9:  Present.  (Roll c a l l fades o u t a s m o n o l o g u e begins.) Voice 9: I don't t h i n k t h a t i t ever o c c u r r e d to m e t h a t I m i g h t b e a teacher. F r o m as far b a c k as I c a n r e m e m b e r - a n d t h a t w o u l d b e before I started s c h o o l - I w a s going to be a doctor. It wasn't u n t i l m y early twenties t h a t I b e g a n to c o n s i d e r other options. It's f u n n y w h e n I t h i n k a b o u t i t t h o u g h - b e c a u s e i t m u s t have b e e n obvious. A t least to some people - like m y y o u n g e r brother. I s o m e t i m e s t h i n k t h a t h e s t i l l expects me to tell h i m w h a t to do a n d w h e n a n d how. I w o n d e r i f he r e m e m b e r s w h e n I u s e d to get a l l of o u r c o u s i n s together, seat t h e m i n rows o n the staircase at o u r grandparents' h o m e a n d m a k e t h e m practice s i n g i n g C h r i s t m a s carols. R e h e a r s i n g over a n d over u n t i l they got i t right a n d we c o u l d go a n d p e r f o r m for the rest of the family. Voice 7:  M y t u r n . It's m y t u r n now.  -78-  Voice 5:  Don't p u s h , Looseeyen.  Voice 3:  Bully!  Voice 7:  Yeah, w h o says so?  Voice 5:  I do, w a n t to m a k e s o m p u n u v it?  Voice 7:  Maybe.  Voice 2:  M i s s Wright, there's a fight at the swings.  Voice 8:  Tattle-tale!  Voice 6:  Teacher's Pet!  Voice 7:  Smarty-pants!  Voice 4:  You're a sissy, J a n e t C a m e r o n .  Voice 9:  A m not!  Voice 4:  Y o u are too!  Voice 9:  A m not.  Voice 3:  S t i c k s a n d stones w i l l b r e a k m y b o n e s b u t names'll never h u r t me.  Voice 2:  I was five years old. J u s t going i n to grade one a n d I was quite excited a b o u t going to school. I k n o w t h a t m y p a r e n t s were very p l e a s e d b e c a u s e I h a d M i s s W i l m o t w h o was s u p p o s e d to be one of the best teachers i n the c o m m u n i t y . A l l of u s h a d b e e n told to p u t o u r h e a d s d o w n a n d we did.  We  were very, very quiet because we k n e w t h a t w h e n the teachers s a i d s o m e t h i n g like t h a t i n those days, they m e a n t it. N o b o d y m o v e d a muscle. I was a very good little girl a n d I h a d m y h e a d d o w n b u t the little boy i n front of me was a bit of a mischief-maker a n d h e l i k e d to get people i n trouble. So, after we h a d b e e n q u i e t for two or three m i n u t e s , he lifted h i s h e a d up, t u r n e d a r o u n d a n d w h i s p e r e d something to me.  T h e n he q u i c k l y p u t h i s h e a d d o w n  a n d I lifted m i n e u p j u s t as the teacher l o o k e d u p f r o m h e r work.  -79-  " G i l l i a n Lewis," s h e said, "stand up." A n d a l l t h e h e a d s c a m e up. Everyone w a s l o o k i n g a t me. A n d I w a s shy. I w a s terribly shy. " G i l l i a n Lewis," s h e said, " come here." I w a l k e d u p to where she w a s s t a n d i n g w i t h h e r a r m s folded. A n d I waited. M i s s W i l m o t w e n t to h e r desk. S h e got a r o l l of tape a n d s h e said, "I a m going to tape y o u r m o u t h shut." A n d t h a t i s exactly w h a t s h e d i d . Voice 10: Pickle. Voice 1: Pickle. P-I-C-K-L-E. Voice 10:  Picnicking.  Voice 3: P i c k n i c k i n g . P-I-C-K-N-I-C-K-I-N-G. Voice 10: Pernicious. Voice 5: Pern. Pern. Voice 10: Pernicious. Voice 5: Pernicious. P-U-R-NVoice 4: I never k n e w w h o w a s first i n t h e class. I never k n e w w h o w a s second. B u t Betty J o n e s a n d I always s w i t c h e d p l a c e s for t h i r d . A t t h e e n d of every term, we a l l h a d to s t a n d i n order of o u r r a n k i n t h e c l a s s a n d it w a s always Betty J o n e s o r I i n t h i r d . O n e t i m e it w o u l d be me; one time it w o u l d be Betty. I r e m e m b e r i t so clearly. I c a n r e m e m b e r exactly w h a t s h e l o o k e d like. B e a u t i f u l little g i r l s h e w a s a t age whatever she w a s b u t I h a t e d h e r guts.  -80-  She also took e l o c u t i o n lessons a n d I c a n s t i l l h e a r her, "The O w l a n d the P u s s y c a t w e n t to sea...". In those days there were a lot of k i d s i n the c l a s s e s a n d so the l i n e u p w e n t a l l the w a y a r o u n d the room. I a l w a y s e n d e d u p l o o k i n g into the eyes of the boy w h o was 38th. H e was 3 8 t h a n d n o one s w i t c h e d w i t h him.  I felt s o r r y for h i m  always - but I  didn't like h i m very m u c h .  Voice 2:  The p i c t u r e t h a t I have i s of a l l of u s gathered a r o u n d the table - l i k e a k i t c h e n table, it was w a r m a n d i n v i t i n g a n d w e a l l w a n t e d to be there to see a n d to p l a y w i t h w h a t Mr. R e a n e y h a d p u t there for us. H e never said, "Do this." It was j u s t there for u s to t o u c h , to use, to discover for ourselves.  Voice 5: I was a l w a y s a f r a i d to t r y n e w t h i n g s - not j u s t i n school. I r e m e m b e r the first time I w e n t away f r o m home. I w e n t to stay w i t h m y u n c l e i n Vancouver. I m u s t have b e e n there for a couple of w e e k s b u t it seemed like a very l o n g time anyway. S o f i n a l l y I was going h o m e a n d they took me to the s t a t i o n to p u t m e o n the t r a i n . It was a b o u t eight o'clock at n i g h t a n d we h a d h a d a h u g e d i n n e r a little earlier i n the evening. I was pretty scared b u t they p u t me on the t r a i n anyway. T h e y p u t m e i n a n u p p e r b e r t h w i t h these heavy velvet c u r t a i n s . I r e m e m b e r it was very quiet. The t r a i n left a n d I peeked o u t b u t I couldn't see a n y b o d y a n d it was very quiet. S o I j u s t l a y b a c k a n d listened to the wheels a n d digested m y dinner. T h e n , I g u e s s it m u s t have b e e n a b o u t midnight, I h a d to go to the  -81-  bathroom. I p o k e d m y h e a d o u t b u t they h a d removed a l l of the ladders. I t h o u g h t t h a t I c o u l d j u m p d o w n b u t I m i g h t b r e a k a leg.  But what  I w a s really w o r r i e d a b o u t w a s f i n d i n g m y w a y back. W i t h t h e c u r t a i n s , t h e y a l l looked the same. I j u s t couldn't go d o w n there so I figured t h a t I w o u l d be alright i f I j u s t relaxed. B u t i t wouldn't go away. I peeked o u t again. T h e n t h i s c o n d u c t o r c a m e by. H e w a s a really big guy. I said, " Hey, Mr. Conductor." I guess he didn't h e a r me b e c a u s e he w e n t o n past.  So I j u s t  retreated b a c k b e h i n d the c u r t a i n s . A n d I t h o u g h t t h a t I h a d to do something. I started going t h r o u g h m y p a c k a n d I f o u n d a p l a s t i c b a g w i t h m y s o c k s i n it. I took the s o c k s o u t a n d - well, believe me, I felt m u c h better. Unfortunately, I didn't have a n y twist ties so I h e l d the top of the b a g closed. W h a t else c o u l d I do? I lay b a c k a n d everything w a s fine. I m u s t have been pretty tired t h o u g h b e c a u s e a b o u t two h o u r s later I h e a r d this, " Hey!" f r o m the b u n k below. A n d I looked d o w n at the b a g b u t i t w a s empty. Voice 6:  I w e n t to a h i g h l y a c a d e m i c girls' g r a m m a r s c h o o l a n d w h e n I w a s fifteen I w a s a s c h o o l p r e f e c t . We wore n a v y b l u e s k i r t s , w h i t e blouses, n a v y b l u e stockings, b l a c k shoes a n d n a v y b l u e blazers. We looked very c o n f o r m i n g a n d we were very c o n f o r m i n g . N o w p a r t of m y role w a s to police the a p p e a r a n c e of the y o u n g e r girls. A t t h a t time, b a c k - c o m b i n g w a s very p o p u l a r b u t i t w a s  -82-  not allowed at o u r school. I r e m e m b e r though, o n one occasion, I h a d back-combed m y h a i r a n d I h a d to p i n m y beret i n a p r e c a r i o u s p o s i t i o n o n the b a c k of m y head. I l i k e d the f a s h i o n s t a t e m e n t t h a t I w a s m a k i n g a n d felt comfortable w i t h m y d e c i s i o n - u n t i l I met the s e n i o r prefect at the door. I w a s trapped. I didn't k n o w where I fit. Voice 1:  I w a s never i n trouble i n s c h o o l b u t H a r o l d P r i c e was. H e w a s i n G r a d e E i g h t a n d h e l i k e d to swagger a r o u n d a n d p u t fear into the rest of us. I u s u a l l y stayed o u t of h i s w a y b u t t h i s one afternoon, he came along after n e a r l y everybody h a d gone home. He w a s m a k i n g some c o m m e n t a b o u t h o w s t r o n g he w a s a n d so I said, "Oh, yeah, come o n prove it." H e looked a r o u n d a n d t h e n h e said, "Watch!" T h e n he p u n c h e d the w a l l . A n d h e p u n c h e d it again. A n d again. Three times. I t h i n k h i s h a n d w a s h u r t i n g b u t he didn't s h o w it. Instead h e stood back; he t u r n e d to m e a n d h e said, "I bet y o u can't even m a k e a d i n t i n t h a t wall." "Oh, yeah," I said. A n d there w a s Mr. Innocence w i t h h i s fist i n a b i g hole i n the w a l l w h e n the p r i n c i p a l w a l k e d a r o u n d the corner. I w a s a b s o l u t e l y m o r t i f i e d w h e n he said, "Come w i t h me." I h a d to p a y the penalty b u t I t h i n k t h a t Mr. T h o r n t o n k n e w t h a t I w a s innocent.  Voice 9: F r o m G r a d e 10 on, I sort of enjoyed getting into t r o u b l e a t  -83-  school. Not the k i n d t h a t m e a n t letters h o m e or a n y t h i n g - j u s t the k i n d t h a t a n n o y e d some teachers a n d m a d e the other k i d s l a u g h . One time though, t h i n g s got more s e r i o u s t h a n I h a d intended. I was i n G r a d e 11 a n d h a d a c r u s h o n a boy i n G r a d e 12. T h i s one F r i d a y night, one of the teachers h a d organized a p a r t y for the G r a d e Twelves - j u s t the G r a d e Twelves. F o r whatever reason, m y girlfriend a n d I decided to c r a s h the party. So we w e n t outside the c l a s s r o o m where everybody was gathered a n d  we  c a u g h t the a t t e n t i o n of a couple of the guys. T h e y t o l d u s to meet t h e m o u t s i d e the boys' b a t h r o o m w i n d o w a n d they w o u l d s n e a k u s in. A n d we d i d w h a t they said. I can't r e m e m b e r w h e t h e r m y  friend  was a h e a d of me or b e h i n d me b u t I k n o w t h a t I w a s h a l f w a y t h r o u g h the w i n d o w w h e n one of the s u p e r v i s i n g teachers c a m e t h r o u g h the door. F o r t u n a t e l y , the p r i n c i p a l c o n s i d e r e d me to be a pretty good s t u d e n t so I wasn't suspended. M a y b e I s h o u l d have been. Voice 7:  We were a b o u t three b l o c k s f r o m the school. There were a b o u t forty or fifty k i d s following B i l l y L i n d s t r o m . He h a d t h i s y e l l o w powder t h a t he got out of the C h e m i s t r y lab.  He s a i d t h a t i t  w o u l d explode if y o u p u t it o n s o m e t h i n g h a r d , covered i t w i t h a b r i c k a n d threw a r o c k at it. Three or f o u r of u s were o n the bridge, l o o k i n g over the r a i l into the gulley w h e n we h e a r d the bell. B i l l y s p r i n k l e d the powder onto a rock; he covered it. T h e n he let fly. Now  everybody was s t a n d i n g back. We were a l l a  little apprehensive. Three times he m i s s e d a n d I said, "For Christ's sake, we've got to go to school."  -84-  "I'll h i t i t t h i s time," B i l l y said. "Well, I'm going to m a k e s u r e y o u do," I said. Pow! That's h o w I lost m y eye. Voice 8:  A l l m y life I have tried to avoid c r i t i c i s m  Voice 9:  a n d rejection.  Voice 8:  A l l m y life I tried to fit into the system.  Voice 10: Left!  Right! Forward! Back!  (All voices c a l l o u t these directions at r a n d o m a s a l l of the actors, w i t h t h e exception of the one r e a d i n g Voice 10, t r y to m a r c h i n r e s p o n s e to the orders.)  Voice 10: T h i s h a s b e e n a good year. We c a n w e l l be p r o u d of o u r a c a d e m i c achievements as w e l l as o u r a c c o m p l i s h m e n t s i n sports a n d i n the arts. Y o u have, t h r o u g h o u t the year, d i s p l a y e d a h i g h degree of s c h o o l c i t i z e n s h i p a n d s c h o o l spirit. I have b e e n i m p r e s s e d b y the w a y i n w h i c h y o u have settled d o w n to the m a i n j o b w i t h o u t s h i r k i n g or g r o u s i n g a n d I w o u l d l i k e to congratulate y o u o n y o u r m a t u r e a p p r o a c h to y o u r studies. To a l l of the g r a d u a t i n g class, I say, "Good luck!" We are s o r r y to have y o u leave u s b u t we are h a p p y to see y o u going o n i n t o y o u r v a r i o u s fields of endeavour. S o I offer to y o u m y f i n a l b i t of advice, " Y o u w i l l get out of life exactly w h a t y o u p u t i n t o  -85-  it! M a y i t be much." (Actor p l a y i n g the s c h o o l m a s t e r s h a k e s h a n d s w i t h e a c h "graduate" a s h i s o r h e r n a m e i s called.) Voice 1:  G i l l i a n Lewis.  Voice 10:  Congratulations.  Voice 1:  J o h n Marshall.  Voice 10:  Congratulations.  Voice 1:  Lucien Robilliard.  Voice 10:  Congratulations.  Voice 1:  M a r y E l l e n Stewart.  Voice 10:  Congratulations.  Voice 9:  Well, we're o n o u r way.  All: (Moving a b o u t a n d s h a k i n g h a n d s at r a n d o m - except Voice 10) Yes, we're o n o u r way!  Goodbye! G o o d Luck!  ~ T H E ROAD T O NINEVAH ~  Voice 9:  I never i m a g i n e d t h a t I w o u l d be a teacher. I don't even t h i n k t h a t it w a s o n m y list - a l t h o u g h I do r e m e m b e r c o n s i d e r i n g t h a t I m i g h t eventually get a degree i n n u r s i n g a n d lecture at the u n i v e r s i t y level. T h a t w a s after I finally realized t h a t there w a s never going to be e n o u g h m o n e y to s e n d me to m e d i c a l school. The p e r s o n w h o p u t teaching into m y m i n d w a s m y h i g h s c h o o l  -86-  p r i n c i p a l . I h a d j u s t come b a c k f r o m the city after b e i n g r e f u s e d a d m i s s i o n to the n u r s i n g school. The a d m i n i s t r a t o r s a i d t h a t she d i d not t h i n k I was a s u i t a b l e c a n d i d a t e - I w a s too m u c h of a rebel to be a good n u r s e she said. M y m o t h e r t o l d m e t h a t I h a d received a telephone c a l l f r o m the p r i n c i p a l w h i l e I was away. Apparently, h e t h o u g h t t h a t I m i g h t be i n t e r e s t e d i n going out to take over a t e a c h i n g p o s i t i o n i n one of the s m a l l r u r a l schools i n the district. I n those days, they were so desparate for teachers, they w o u l d t a k e almost a n y b o d y w h o c o u l d read a n d w r i t e a n d h a d a h i g h s c h o o l g r a d u a t i o n diploma. So I started l o o k i n g into the possibilities of e n t e r i n g the teacher t r a i n i n g p r o g r a m m e at the university. I h a d m y grade t h i r t e e n w h i c h m e a n t t h a t I c o u l d have a certificate a n d a j o b i n a n elementary s c h o o l w i t h i n the year. Voice 8:  The o n l y c a l l i n g to t e a c h i n g I h e a r d i n i t i a l l y was the c a l l to e m p l o y m e n t a n d salary. I needed a j o b a n d I b e c a m e a teacher. I d i d not i n t e n d to c o n t i n u e to be a teacher. T w o y e a r s was w h a t I p l a n n e d to spend.  Voice 1:  L i k e a lot of people w h o w e n t into teaching, I w e n t i n w i t h the i d e a of t r a n s f e r r i n g to s o m e t h i n g else. B u t i n the end, I f o u n d t e a c h i n g very compelling. I guess I fell i n love w i t h it.  Voice 8:  In G r a d e 11, m y p r i n c i p a l suggested t h a t I o u g h t to t e a c h a n d I t o l d him,  "NO WAY!" The l a s t t h i n g i n the w o r l d I w a n t e d to b e  was a teacher. I w a n t e d to be a n astronomer, or a lawyer, or a p o l i t i c i a n - a n y t h i n g b u t a teacher.  -87-  Voice 7:  T e a c h i n g k i n d of came n a t u r a l l y to me. F o r a l o n g time, I h a d k n o w n t h a t I w a n t e d to be a teacher. I t h i n k I've a l w a y s enjoyed s h a r i n g ideas w i t h people a n d I've always l i k e d w o r k i n g w i t h k i d s . D o i n g w h a t I enjoy a n d m a k i n g some m o n e y at the s a m e time. It w a s there; it w a s obvious.  Voice 9: I loved the p r a c t i c u m . B e i n g w i t h the k i d s . W o r k i n g w i t h them. It w a s exciting to get t h e m interested i n l e a r n i n g b u t I r e f u s e d to see t e a c h i n g as a n y t h i n g other t h a n a m e a n s to a n e n d - a w a y to m a k e e n o u g h m o n e y to go to E u r o p e , to f i n i s h m y degree, to pay m y debts, to go to graduate school. Voice 8: G e t t i n g the B.Ed, degree w a s relatively easy. I d i d not have to m a k e b i g sacrifices to s t u d y to become a teacher. Voice 5:  After I f i n i s h e d m y degree, I started doing r e s e a r c h at the university. I a c t u a l l y t h o u g h t t h a t w a s w h a t I w a s going to do w i t h m y life b u t i n m y heart I felt s o m e t h i n g w a s m i s s i n g . I didn't k n o w w h a t it w a s b u t a b o u t a year after I h a d started m y work, I got a c h a n c e to do some practice t e a c h i n g at m y o l d h i g h school. It took me a b o u t three days. I w a s i n the c l a s s r o o m a n d I w a s h a v i n g so m u c h f u n - a n d getting p a i d for it. I loved i t so m u c h . In fact, I w o u l d have done i t for n o t h i n g . I loved i t so m u c h .  Voice 4:  I w a s w o r k i n g at another j o b after I got out of u n i v e r s i t y b u t I didn't like it very m u c h . I h a d access to a c o m p a n y c a r a n d I u s e d to p a r k n e a r a s c h o o l p l a y g r o u n d to have m y l u n c h - j u s t to see the kids. I w o n d e r e d w h a t they were t a l k i n g about, w h a t they were doing. I t h o u g h t t h a t m a y b e if I c o u l d t a l k to i n d i v i d u a l k i d s , I c o u l d alter t h e i r w a y of t h i n k i n g . If I c o u l d change t h e i r beliefs, I m i g h t change the world.  -88-  Voice 8:  I w e n t to s e m i n a r y to t r a i n to be a m i n i s t e r b u t I c h a n g e d m y m i n d w h e n I k n e w t h a t I couldn't afford the t r u c k r e p a i r b i l l a n d I couldn't afford another three years of study, especially w i t h a c h i l d to be b o r n i n a few months. S o f i n a n c i a l u r g e n c y drove m e to teaching.  Voice 3: I never really t h o u g h t of b e i n g a n y t h i n g else. I w a s s u c c e s s f u l at s c h o o l a n d everyone always s a i d t h a t some d a y I w a s going to be a professor.  In those days there weren't m a n y choices o p e n  for girls. Voice 5:  M y b u d d y a n d I j o i n e d the F u t u r e Teachers' C l u b w h e n we were i n G r a d e 10 or 11, p r o b a b l y because o u r girlfriends were i n it.  '  It w a s m a i n l y a girls' c l u b b u t we got to visit other s c h o o l s a n d a t t e n d a conference at the university. T h a t sort of w h e t t e d m y appetite. Then, I w a s a s w i m m i n g i n s t r u c t o r at the Y a n d I really enjoyed that. I w a s good at it. I k n e w w h a t I w a s doing; I w a s confident; I h a d really good r e l a t i o n s h i p s w i t h people. The i d e a of d o i n g i t for a career seemed like a pretty good idea. Besides, they were c r y i n g for teachers. M y m o m w a s really adamant, h o p i n g t h a t I w o u l d go into m e d i c i n e or be a v e t e r i n a r i a n . I enjoyed a n i m a l s b u t I didn't have the m a r k s to get into m e d i c a l school. I wouldn't get into u n i v e r s i t y at a l l n o w w i t h the grades I h a d i n h i g h school. I wasn't good academically. I got C p l u s s e s a n d the s t a n d a r d c o m m e n t " C o u l d do better." It wasn't u n t i l f o u r t h y e a r w h e n I got to t a k e the c o u r s e s t h a t interested m e t h a t I excelled. That's w h e n I got the great m a r k s , the s c h o l a r s h i p s .  B u t n o w I l o o k at the m e d i c a l profession a n d I k n o w t h a t t h a t i s n o t where I belong. I wouldn't w a n t to be i n t h a t emergency  -89-  ward; I wouldn't w a n t to start e a c h d a y not k n o w i n g w h a t tragedy I m i g h t have to d e a l w i t h before I got home.  AndI  guess those m e d i c a l people p r o b a b l y wouldn't w a n t to be i n charge of t h i r t y teenagers i n a classroom. T h e y m i g h t f i n d t h a t totally frightening. Voice 3: I c a m e into t e a c h i n g b y accident - a h a p p y accident. I h a d f i n i s h e d m y first year at the u n i v e r s i t y b u t there w a s n o m o n e y for me to go on. In those days, there w a s m o n e y for b o y s b u t not for girls. It w a s a case of b e i n g a n u r s e or a secretary, t h a t k i n d of job, or going into teaching. A week before n o r m a l s c h o o l opened, I s u d d e n l y decided I w a s going to apply. I r a c e d u p to m y parents' s u m m e r place a n d a s k e d for their blessing. T h e n I r u s h e d b a c k to the city a n d m a n a g e d to have a special i n t e r v i e w a n d they let m e i n . I never regretted it. Voice 6:  I s i m p l y became a teacher because I didn't do the t h i n g s I w a s interested i n . I w a s advised not to. W h e n I w a s seventeen, I didn't k n o w w h i c h w a y I w a s going so I escaped f r o m the h o r r i b l e n e s s of not k n o w i n g w h a t to do b y going to teachers' t r a i n i n g college. It w a s easy b u t w h e n I finished, three y e a r s later, I s t i l l didn't k n o w w h a t o n e a r t h t e a c h i n g w a s a l l about. P r o b a b l y the o n l y t h i n g t h a t m a d e me k i n d of like it w a s t h a t I h a d always enjoyed c h i l d r e n a n d I h a d always b e e n f a s c i n a t e d b y w a t c h i n g t h e m i n t h e i r world.  Voice 2: I t h i n k I always w a n t e d to teach. I j u s t didn't k n o w w h a t a r e a I s h o u l d focus on. W h e n I w a s i n h i g h school, I decided t h a t I w a n t e d to t e a c h art.  -90-  I got a lot of s u p p o r t f r o m m y teachers so I w e n t d o w n to the u n i v e r s i t y a n d m a j o r e d i n A r t a n d E n g l i s h b u t I w a s terribly d i s m a y e d to f i n d t h a t i t wasn't at a l l the w a y t h a t i t h a d a p p e a r e d to me to be. I didn't even w a n t to go b a c k after m y first year b u t m y d a d c o n v i n c e d me to t r y s o m e t h i n g else so I did.  I s w i t c h e d into M a t h a n d Science. I w a s d o i n g w e l l b u t I  really h a d n o c o n c e p t i o n of h o w to a p p l y w h a t I w a s l e a r n i n g so I d r o p p e d out. Halfway t h r o u g h m y s e c o n d year, I left the u n i v e r s i t y a n d w e n t to w o r k i n a n i n s u r a n c e office. I l e a r n e d a lot a b o u t the real w o r l d there - p a r t i c u l a r l y the p a i n f u l realities of gender inequity. W h e n I q u i t t h a t job,  I k n e w t h a t there were better t h i n g s t h a t I  c o u l d do w i t h m y life. Voice 8:  I d i d not choose to be a teacher. T e a c h i n g chose me. N o t o n l y did t e a c h i n g choose me, b u t t e a c h i n g w o u l d not let m e go. T h e c a l l of t e a c h i n g h a s b e e n like a S i r e n t h a t w o u l d not be denied,  Voice 2: Refused to be ignored. Voice 8: Persistent Voice 9: Seductive Voice 5: C o n s u m i n g .  ~ T H E C A L L ; T H E C A L L E R ; T H E CALLING ~  Voice 7: S o m e t h i n g m a g i c h a p p e n s i n the classroom. T h e b e l l rings; t h e s t u d e n t s come i n ; the c u r t a i n goes u p a n d we are a l l o n stage  -91-  together. Voice 3: O n e of the t h i n g s I really enjoy a b o u t t e a c h i n g i s seeing people grow, b e i n g n u r t u r e d , s o l v i n g problems, m a k i n g decisions, c o m i n g to a p o i n t where they c a n do t h i n g s t h a t they couldn't do before. Voice 2: I like k i d s a n d I like t e a c h i n g b u t i t takes a h e c k of a lot of energy to do a good job. Voice 10: T e a c h i n g i s w a k i n g u p i n the m o r n i n g a n d m u c k i n g t h r o u g h the day a n d going to sleep at n i g h t i n order to w a k e u p the next m o r n i n g a n d do i t again. Voice 3: T e a c h i n g i s h a r d work. I f i n d i t very nerve w r a c k i n g m u c h of the time. I s t i l l get quite nervous. I s t i l l feel butterflies i n m y stomach. Voice 6:  I a m not overly e n a m o u r e d of schools. I t h i n k t h a t society i s a s k i n g a lot w h e n i t expects c h i l d r e n to l e a r n b y p u t t i n g t h e m together i n s u c h large g r o u p s i n s u c h c o n f i n e d places for s u c h extended periods of time. B u t h a v i n g w a t c h e d m y o w n c h i l d r e n grow a n d develop, a n d h a v i n g accepted t h a t I c a n n o t s i m p l y wave a w a n d of h i g h ideals a n d create a n alternative, I a m c o m m i t t e d to c r e a t i n g a n e n v i r o n m e n t i n m y c l a s s r o o m w h e r e e a c h p e r s o n i s given a sense of dignity a n d i s expected to s h o w respect for others.  Voice 8:  A s a teacher, I hope a lot  Voice 7:  I q u e s t i o n a lot  Voice 2:  I w o r k a lot  -92-  Voice 1:  I care a lot.  Voice 6:  E v e r y t h i n g t h a t I create i n the c l a s s r o o m i s like life u n f o l d i n g . It's h o w I'd like it to be. T h e i n t e r a c t i o n s a n d c o n n e c t i o n s a m o n g people. It's so exciting.  Voice 4: T o be a good teacher a l l y o u have to do i s h o n e s t l y care a b o u t y o u r k i d s b e c a u s e they feel it a n d they k n o w it. Voice 3: I h a d a m o s t a m a z i n g experience o n a cold a n d r a i n y m o r n i n g three years ago. It w a s over the C h r i s t m a s holiday. T h i s y o u n g m a n i n h i s late twenties k n o c k e d at o u r front door. M y h u s b a n d w e n t to the door a n d I h e a r d t h i s man's voice a s k i n g to s p e a k to me. I h a d n o i d e a w h o he was.  H e s a i d t h a t he h a d come to m a k e  a m e n d s for the w a y t h a t he h a d behaved i n m y c l a s s w h e n he w a s twelve. I k n e w t h e n w h o he was.  H e w a s one of the m o s t difficult of a l l  of the s t u d e n t s t h a t I have dealt w i t h over the years. Yes, I r e m e m b e r e d h i m a n d I r e m e m b e r e d the c l a s s t h a t he h a d b e e n a p a r t of. T h e girls h a d b e e n fine; they were good s t u d e n t s a n d I h a d h a d n o p r o b l e m w i t h t h e m b u t the b o y s - they were j u s t awful. Negative a n d angry a n d unco-operative. I fought w i t h t h e m the whole year. It w a s so b a d t h a t I u s e d to c r y before I w e n t to school. It w a s a real struggle j u s t to get t h r o u g h the day a n d they p r o b a b l y thought t h a t I w a s b e i n g a n o l d bag. B u t here w a s t h i s y o u n g fellow at m y door telling m e t h a t h e h a d come to apologize for h a v i n g b e e n so difficult, telling m e t h a t he k n e w t h a t I c a r e d a b o u t h i m a n d t h a t he a p p r e c i a t e d w h a t I  -93-  h a d t r i e d to do for h i m .  Voice 8: A s a teacher I have played m a n y roles Voice 1: Parent Voice 7: C o a c h Voice 4: Cheerleader Voice 6: C o n s c i e n c e Voice 3: C o u n s e l l o r Voice 5: J a n i t o r Voice 9: B u s driver Voice 2: F r i e n d . Voice 4: M y son's r u g b y c o a c h came u p to m e a n d i n t r o d u c e d himself. I h a p p e n to be h i s son's teacher. We s t a r t e d to t a l k a b o u t o u r expectations for o u r k i d s - at h o m e a n d at school. In t h i s case, b o t h of u s expressed the desire to see y o u n g people a c c e p t i n g p e r s o n a l r e s p o n s i b i l i t y for t h e i r a c t i o n s a n d behavior. It feels good w h e n y o u k n o w t h a t y o u are w o r k i n g together, s t r i v i n g for s i m i l a r goals. I looked at a n u m b e r of the b o y s o n the r u g b y field - I recognized m a n y as former s t u d e n t s - a n d I w a t c h e d a s they played. I like to t h i n k that, i n some s m a l l measure, I h a v e c o n t r i b u t e d to their s p o r t s m a n s h i p ,  t h e i r sense of fair play.  T h a t m a k e s m e proud. Voice 2: I have h a d to l e a r n h o w to have hope, to never give u p o n a n y of m y students. I've h a d to l e a r n h o w to get over m y anger, m y d i s a p p o i n t m e n t s a n d help t h e m to b u i l d u p f r o m the r u i n s a g a i n a n d again.  -94-  Voice 8:  F r i d a y n i g h t i s probably not a good n i g h t to grade essays. I s h o u l d have k n o w n better b u t after s p e n d i n g the w h o l e week e n c o u r a g i n g my G r a d e 10's to compose the m o s t w o n d e r f u l p a p e r s ever written, I felt t h a t I j u s t h a d to r e a d them.  So  a l t h o u g h it was F r i d a y night, a n d I k n e w better, I s i m p l y couldn't wait. I r e a d them. E s s a y after essay . B o r i n g a n d i n c o h e r e n t babble. L a c k i n g i n i m a g i n a t i o n ,  devoid of  insight, e m p t y of passion. I was disappointed, angry a n d infuriated. I s h o u l d have m a d e c o n s t r u c t i v e c o m m e n t s o n the p a p e r s a n d if it h a d b e e n S u n d a y afternoon i n s t e a d of F r i d a y evening I m i g h t have at least attempted a m o d i c u m of encouragement. S u r e l y I w o u l d have avoided r e s p o n d i n g w i t h s u c h f u r y t h a t I tore one student's p a p e r w i t h the s h a r p t i p of my  pen.  I s p e n t the w h o l e w e e k e n d f u s s i n g a n d f u m i n g , w a i t i n g for M o n d a y m o r n i n g w h e n I c o u l d tell those useless little sots w h a t I really t h o u g h t of them. A n d then, the w e e k e n d was over. A f t e r two d a y s of w i n d a n d r a i n , it was s u d d e n l y b r i g h t a n d sunny. A s I drove to school, I t h o u g h t a b o u t how  fortunate I was to be i n s u c h a place o n s u c h  a b e a u t i f u l day going to w o r k at a j o b t h a t for the m o s t p a r t I c o n t i n u e d to enjoy. I p i c t u r e d the faces of those c h i l d r e n who  -95-  were a b o u t to be i n t i m i d a t e d b y m y anger a n d I sensed a need to be gentle w i t h them. Voice 7: T e a c h i n g i s a lot like climbing. The more c h a l l e n g i n g the r o c k face, the more time I have to take to prepare myself, a n d the m o r e I have to t r u s t i n m y ability to f i n d the way.  I pay attention  to the messages w h i c h m y b o d y is giving a n d receiving. I t r y not to overtire myself; I rest; I relax; I re-energize a n d I move on. W h e n I fall, I h a n g there for a w h i l e - i n m i d - a i r - g a z i n g at the r o c k t h a t cheated me a n d I t r y to u n d e r s t a n d why;  I t r y to figure  out h o w I c o u l d m a k e it the next time. D e p e n d i n g o n the time of day a n d the other c i r c u m s t a n c e s , I w i l l m a k e a second t r y right away from where I fell. M a y b e even a t h i r d a n d f o u r t h attempt. B u t w h e n I r e a c h the p o i n t w h e r e I c a n n o t p u s h m y body anymore, I t r y a n easier way. Always, I celebrate m y successes; I recognize a n d I hope t h a t I l e a r n from m y mistakes. Voice 5:  F o r me,  the p a s s i o n comes f r o m the i n s e c u r i t y of n o t k n o w i n g  w h a t i s going to h a p p e n next. Voice 9: S o m e say t h a t y o u c a n f i n d m a g i c i n a n y t h i n g t h a t y o u do. Voice 3:  T e a c h i n g i s like a giftedness t h a t is given once the t a s k i s begun. The power a n d the p a s s i o n come w h e n I take the r i s k of starting.  Voice 10: I t h i n k t h a t t e a c h i n g is l e a d i n g Voice 9:  And  heeding  -96-  Voice 7: J u g g l i n g Voice 6: A n d struggling Voice 5: D a r i n g Voice 4: A n d c a r i n g Voice 3: A n d s h a r i n g Voice 2: R e a c h i n g Voice 3: A n d  preaching  Voice 4: B u m b l i n g Voice 5: A n d m u m b l i n g Voice 6: A n d  stumbling.  (Actors r e a d i n g voices 1, 2, 3, 6, 7, 9 move f r o m their places, j o i n w i t h a partner, j o u r n e y a r o u n d t h e stage a n d t h e n r e t u r n to t h e i r places a s voice 8 speaks.) Voice 8:  A s a teacher, I t h i n k t h a t I a m o n a j o u r n e y , a j o u r n e y of b e c o m i n g a n d I like p a r t i c i p a t i n g w i t h others i n t h e i r j o u r n e y i n g .  ~ T H E RECALLING ~  Voice 9: I g u e s s t h a t I s a w teachers a s people w h o k n e w a lot a n d w h o got p a i d to m a k e k i d s l e a r n w h a t they knew. G o o d teachers were t h e ones w h o k n e w h o w to get u s interested i n l e a r n i n g a n d b a d teachers j u s t didn't k n o w w h a t w a s really  -97-  going on. M a y b e t h i n g s haven't c h a n g e d t h a t m u c h i n forty years. Voice 2:  I love b e i n g able to share something t h a t I enjoy w i t h the k i d s b u t I f i n d it difficult to deal w i t h those s t u d e n t s w h o s e e m to b e totally u n r e a c h a b l e . It is really d i s a p p o i n t i n g to realize t h a t there are some people t h a t y o u j u s t can't do a n y t h i n g for.  Voice 7:  I c o n s i d e r m y s e l f privileged to w o r k w i t h i n d i v i d u a l students. I get to k n o w m y s t u d e n t s very well. I enjoy h a v i n g a c h a n c e to share knowledge w i t h t h e m a n d I have developed some l a s t i n g relationships. T h e r e are a n u m b e r of s t u d e n t s w h o have g r a d u a t e d w h o m I go c l i m b i n g w i t h now.  I like that.  Voice 3: W h y do I overwork? W h y do I end u p doing so m u c h w o r k at h o m e ? P a r t of it is t h a t there is j u s t always m o r e to do. B u t there i s also t h i s drive to be perfect. I t r y to do too m u c h ; I become so a b s o r b e d i n m y w o r k t h a t I n e a r l y b u r n m y s e l f out. B u t then, I see progress; someone t h a n k s me;  someone cares for me;  I care for myself; I realize  t h a t I do not have to prove m y w o r t h b y doing; it i s a l r i g h t to s a y no, to a s k for h e l p w h e n I need it; a n d I a m r e s t o r e d again. Voice 5: It seems t h a t i n the last two or three years t h i n g s have c h a n g e d significantly. I've always b e e n able to r e a c h out to the c o r n e r s a n d gather a l l of m y s t u d e n t s i n , keep t h e m interested, get excited a b o u t learning, have fun. B u t the s y s t e m i s p u s h i n g u s n o w i n s u c h a way t h a t there isn't time to do the r e s e a r c h , to u n d e r s t a n d the concepts, to p l a y w i t h ideas. The  system  is s q u a s h i n g us. M y d r e a m k i d s are c o m i n g i n w i t h tears i n t h e i r  -98-  eyes; they can't h a n d l e being p u s h e d i n a n d p u s h e d out. Voice 2:  I always felt t h a t I was m a k i n g a difference a n d the k i d s were always the m o s t i m p o r t a n t thing. I generally like k i d s a n d feel t h a t we often s h o r t change them. T h e y k n o w w h e n y o u don't really care a b o u t them.  Voice 4:  If I were given the choice again, I don't t h i n k t h a t I w o u l d get m y s e l f l o c k e d i n t o the school system.  Voice 8: I don't w a n t to be a dentist, or a n optometrist.  I don't w a n t to  w o r k i n a paper m i l l . B u t p e r h a p s I c o u l d have done n u m e r o u s other t h i n g s i f I were more r i s k - t a k i n g , more reckless, less cowardly. Voice 2:  Yes,  I w o u l d go into teaching again b e c a u s e I really l i k e it. I  a l w a y s felt satisfied, competent, s u c c e s s f u l . I really believed t h a t I h a d a lot to offer i n teaching. I t h i n k i t was the r i g h t j o b for me.  It h e l p e d m e personally. It gave m e a lot of confidence.  I d i d as good a j o b as I c o u l d do; I h e l p e d out a n d I a l w a y s felt happy. T o me,  the c l a s s r o o m was a good place to be, w o r k i n g  w i t h the k i d s ,  a n d even the d o w n t i m e s - w h e n I was  tired,  fed-up, a n d the k i d s were bratty, i t never really got me down, never depressed me. The o r g a n i z a t i o n also appealed to me.  I really l i k e d b e i n g able  to p l a n a u n i t a n d see h o w I c o u l d get the k i d s i n t e r e s t e d a n d involved a n d see w h a t I c o u l d a c c o m p l i s h . B u t I really m i s s the kids. Voice 6: I w o n d e r - d i d I m a k e teaching m e a n i n g f u l b e c a u s e t h a t i t w h a t I h a d c h o s e n to be engaged i n for 8 to 10 h o u r s a day or was i t  -99-  m e a n i n g f u l originally? W o u l d I have f o u n d w o r k i n g i n a h o s p i t a l or being a b u y e r i n a d e p a r t m e n t store equally m e a n i n g f u l ? I t h i n k t h a t t e a c h i n g i s p r o b a b l y a n o k a y place for me  to be. I  t h i n k by a h a p p y accident, I f o u n d a place t h a t s u i t s me.  I don't  like policies t h a t m a k e s u c h a c o m m o n sense enterprise i n t o s o m e t h i n g t h a t seems so i n c r e d i b l y difficult b u t I a m t h a t given w h a t I t h i n k i s a crazy s i t u a t i o n , I a m  satisfied  making a  c o n t r i b u t i o n - not j u s t to the c h i l d r e n b u t to the p a r e n t s a n d to the w i d e r world. Do y o u t h i n k t h a t I j u s t h i t it l u c k y ? Voice 1: I don't k n o w w h a t t e a c h i n g i s like now b u t I have a pretty good i d e a t h a t i n the t h i r t e e n y e a r s since I retired it h a s b e c o m e very difficult to cope w i t h a l l of the a d d e d pressures.  But I still  believe t h a t there i s no more h o n o r e d profession. Y o u j u s t have to look at the w o r k w i t h a degree of p a s s i o n , a degree of flexibility a n d o p t i m i s m . A n d f u n d a m e n t a l l y , y o u have to love kids. W h a t I enjoyed m o s t a b o u t teaching was the k i d s . Voice 6:  In the past, I never k n e w t h a t v a l u i n g people, l i s t e n i n g to t h e m a n d giving everyone a c h a n c e to be believed i n was anything.  worth  I always felt apologetic b e c a u s e I was too weak, too  forgiving, not t o u g h enough. However, I a m  older now.  I've  weathered some storms; I've weaved my way i n a n d out of m a n y experiences a n d I a m  satisfied t h a t the w o r k t h a t I do i s  valuable. Voice 5:  The s u c c e s s t h a t I have h a d as a teacher c a m e f r o m s o m e t h i n g  -100-  t h a t they couldn't t e a c h me at the university. I t h i n k it h a s to do w i t h y o u r personality. H o w y o u get a l o n g w i t h people. I k n o w that's w h a t i t is. I see t h a t w h e n k i d s come b a c k f r o m the u n i v e r s i t y a n d tell me t h a t they h a d a good time i n m y class. I've h a d f u n a n d I've formed b o n d s w i t h people t h a t have l a s t e d d o w n t h r o u g h the years.  M y time h a s b e e n w e l l spent.  Voice 6: I have finally given u p t h i n k i n g t h a t I have to b e n d m y s e l f i n fifty different directions, j u m p t h r o u g h forty-five hoops, feel i n s e c u r e because someone else w i l l always k n o w m o r e t h a n I do, w i l l do t h i n g s better. I a m content to be m y s e l f a n d to s h a r e w h a t I am,  w h a t I know. F o r me,  i t is a b o u t circles,  about  w h a t c o n n e c t s u s to one a n o t h e r a n d m a k e s u s a l l stronger i n the process. Voice 1: It is w h a t we do together t h a t c a n protect others a g a i n s t ignorance Voice 2: Injustice Voice 1: V i o l e n c e Voice 2: Poverty. Voice 4: P l a y i n g seems to me to be the best vehicle for learning. T e a c h i n g is h a v i n g fun. Adventure. E x p l o r i n g , w a t c h i n g , c h a n g i n g . T h a t doesn't m e a n it isn't s e r i o u s b u s i n e s s b e c a u s e i t is. P l a y i s s e r i o u s b u t it is forgiving. Y o u c a n m a k e m i s t a k e s . W h e n y o u take y o u r m i s t a k e s too seriously, it isn't f u n anymore. (As t h i s s e c t i o n is read, the actors perform a sort of a d a n c e w h i c h comes together i n a circle w i t h "besidedness".)  -101-  Voice 3: Y o u can't t e a c h to anybodyVoice 1:  o rforanybody.  Voice 2: o r t h r o u g h anybody Voice 4: o r over Voice 5: or u n d e r Voice 6: o r a r o u n d Voice 1:  Y o u have to t e a c h w i t h e a c h student.  A l l : (All of the actors move slowly a r o u n d the performance space a n d f o r m a circle) T e a c h i n g i s a besidedness. Voice 8:  T h e c a l l of t e a c h i n g is like a river. (The circle u n w i n d s itself into a  river a n d the actors w e n d their w a y b a c k to t h e i r places.) It is a n u n f o l d i n g , a revealing, a story-telling t h a t alters a n d revises itself as i t is told.  Voice 10: A m I a teacher because I teach? Voice 7:  D o I teach b e c a u s e I a m a teacher?  Voice 6:  A m I a teacher?  Voice 2: Have I always b e e n a teacher? Voice 5:  W i l l I ever b e a teacher?  Voice 4: W i l l I ever stop b e c o m i n g a teacher?  (The m u s i c i a n p l a y s the theme again. T h e m u s i c c o n t i n u e s u n t i l after t h e  -102-  reflection a n d t h e n fades out.)  ~ A REFLECTION ~ Voice 9:  The water p a s s e s f r o m t h i s place to t h a t There i s a stillness here B r o k e n occasionally b y V a r y i n g intensities of d u c k musings.  -103-  The Sixth Rumination (On Obligation)  "Please, sir, instruct me further.'' "So be it, my son. Bring me a fruit from the Nyagroda  tree."  Svetaketu picked a fruit and brought it to his father. "Here it is, sir." "Break ii open." "I have broken it, sir." "What do you see there?" "Little seeds." "Break open one of them" "I have broken it, sir." "What so you see there?' "Nothing at all." "My son, that subtle essence which you cannot see, it is by that very essence that this great Nyagroda tree stands." from the  Upanishads  A s I recall, one of the more difficult questions w i t h w h i c h I w a s confronted d u r i n g the i n i t i a l m e e t i n g of m y advisory committee w a s One of those w h i c h was m o s t l i k e l y to have b e e n asked. W h a t c o n t r i b u t i o n d i d I expect m y w o r k to m a k e to the present knowledge of t e a c h i n g a n d of teacher e d u c a t i o n ?  As a  n e w c o m e r to the academy, I w a s s u r p r i s e d to l e a r n t h a t I w a s expected to have a p l a n for c a r v i n g out a space for myself, a design for filling i t w i t h w h a t I w o u l d eventually c l a i m as n e w knowledge, m o s t of w h i c h , c o n s c i o u s l y or u n c o n s c i o u s l y , I w o u l d have r e c o n s t r u c t e d f r o m others, b u t a l l of w h i c h w o u l d have to be debated a n d defended as i f it were m y own.  -104-  In retrospect, I  w i s h t h a t I h a d b e e n wise e n o u g h to share the V e d i c story of the N y a g r o d a seed - a l t h o u g h there i s the p o s s i b i l i t y t h a t the one w h o p o s e d t h e q u e s t i o n m a y have b e e n no m o r e open to Wisdom's w h i s p e r i n g of a n i n t e r p r e t a t i o n i n h i s ear t h a n I w a s to h e r prompting.  Instead, c a u g h t i n the s t i c k i n e s s of t h e  student's desire for success, trapped i n a desire to give the right answer, I sweated, confessed t h a t I wasn't sure but, s t i l l believing t h a t t h e silence h a d to be filled, s a i d t h a t I h o p e d to provide some evidence for t h e n e e d to c h a n g e the c r i t e r i a for selection of c a n d i d a t e s e n t e r i n g teacher e d u c a t i o n programmes.  T h e s y s t e m always t e m p t s u s to u n c o m p l i c a t e the world, to give t h e r i g h t answers, to s p e a k of people as sifted t h r o u g h a grid of n u m b e r s or filtered t h r o u g h a m e s h of words. I t h i n k of m y s t u d e n t s at the u n i v e r s i t y a n d i n t h e p u b l i c s c h o o l classrooms. I see their faces, I k n o w t h e i r stories - w r i t t e n o n p a p e r a n d i n the b o n e s of their bodies. B u t these are n o t the s t u d e n t s w h o are o n the r e p o r t c a r d s t h a t are sent h o m e to the p a r e n t s or off to the university. T h o s e s t u d e n t s have no stories - j u s t n u m b e r s a n d i m p e r s o n a l c o m p u t e r comments. A n d I t h i n k of m y colleagues, those w h o w o r k e d w i t h me o n p r e v i o u s r e s e a r c h projects a n d those who s h a r e d i n t h i s work. T h e y are n o t r e d u c i b l e to n u m b e r s n o r to names. T h e i r stories n o w are w r i t t e n i n me.  Not so l o n g ago I w a s i n v o l v e d i n the sort of r e s e a r c h w h i c h u t i l i z e d t-values of scores o n s t a n d a r d i z e d tests i n s u p p o r t of its c l a i m to be telling t h e t r u t h a b o u t students' abilities to read. Later, i n r e p o r t i n g o n a n a c t i o n r e s e a r c h  -105-  project, I c o n t r i v e d to meet i n s t i t u t i o n a l expectations for v a l i d i t y b y d e s i g n i n g scales w h i c h m e a s u r e d my perception of the shifts i n teachers' stages of c o n c e r n a n d levels of use of w h a t I p r o c l a i m e d to be innovative i n s t r u c t i o n a l strategies w i t h w h i c h I h a d evangelized their classrooms.  T h a t the subjectivity  of the s u b j e c t s of b o t h of these r e s e a r c h projects, like t h a t of the s t u d e n t s o n the report cards, h a d b e e n devalued by the subjectivity of the researcher,  was  never seen, b y me n o r by others, as a n e t h i c a l issue. A s a result, it i s not s u r p r i s i n g that, m o r e recently, i n my earlier a p p l i c a t i o n for s t u d y at the d o c t o r a l level, the proposals w h i c h I generated were filled w i t h p o m p o u s theories a n d self-righteous ethics. W h a t I offered were d e s c r i p t i o n s of w h a t I w o u l d do to, for, some n a m e l e s s others.  F o r t u n a t e l y , the j o u r n e y i n g w h i c h I described earlier i n t h i s p a p e r b r o u g h t to a different u n d e r s t a n d i n g of the way i n w h i c h I s h o u l d be working.  me  I came  to a r e a l i z a t i o n t h a t at the heart of t e a c h i n g i s n o t h i n g b u t w h a t i s at the heart of the N y a g r o n d a seed, at the heart of every thing. A s a result, the p r o p o s a l w h i c h I eventually s u b m i t t e d to my advisory committee offered the p l a y f u l suggestion t h a t I m i g h t request a certificate of d i s a p p r o v a l r a t h e r t h a n a Certificate of A p p r o v a l f r o m the S c r e e n i n g C o m m i t t e e i n the Office of R e s e a r c h Services.  If w o r k i n g w i t h i n the r u l e s m e a n t t h a t I c o u l d be s e d u c e d  into a g a i n letting m y colleagues become subjects/objects of the p r e p o s i t i o n a l p h r a s e i n s t e a d of subjects of the verb (Aoki, 1988: 410), I felt s u r e t h a t I w a n t e d my r e s e a r c h to be the r e s u l t of my w o r k i n g against the rules, outside  -106-  the ivy-covered, over-arching p r i n c i p l e s of research w h i c h w o u l d have  me  digging into the hearts of teachers l o o k i n g for some p a r t i c u l a r essence t h a t m i g h t be t o r n out, isolated f r o m the m e s s y w o r k of teaching, a n d t h e n d e s c r i b e d quantitatively or qualitatively.  W h a t h a d h a p p e n e d to foster t h i s t r a n s f o r m a t i o n was t h a t "the eyes of the other" c a m e over me,  overtook me,  p u l l e d me up s h o r t (Caputo, 1993:  238).  I f o u n d m y s e l f c a u g h t i n "a w h o l e n e t w o r k of obligations," a m u l t i p l i c i t y of me's  p u l l i n g at the threads of the re's i n my r e s e a r c h p l a n so t h a t I was forced  to (re)cognize t h a t I s h o u l d not, I c o u l d not, d a n c e the w o r k o n m y  own.  I  have b e e n forever changed by my desert experience a n d b y my j o u r n e y to Chelm. M y work, therefore, has h a d to c o n t i n u e to change. The c h o r e o g r a p h y of my t e a c h i n g a n d of my r e / s e a r c h i n g has h a d to allow space a n d time for i m p r o v i s a t i o n . My r e s e a r c h has h a d to m a k e way for our  researching.  F o r a n u m b e r of years, I p a s s i o n a t e l y p u r s u e d E t h i c s i n t h i s place a n d i n that. A t one time, I was even p l a n n i n g o n c o n d u c t i n g a r e s e a r c h project t h a t w o u l d h e l p me to chastize my colleagues for t h e i r b r e a c h i n g of o u r p r o f e s s i o n a l code of ethics. Now,  I have declared a severance of the r e l a t i o n s h i p for I h a v e f o u n d  t h a t E t h i c s prefers to s p e n d h i s time w i t h c y n i c s a n d w i t h pragmatists. I was w a r n e d a b o u t h i s i n c o n s t a n c y b u t I d i d not pay a t t e n t i o n u n t i l it was n e a r l y too late. I was a b o u t to take h i s h a n d a n d allow h i m to l e a d me  very into a  p h e n o m e n o l o g i c a l forest. But, fortunately, someone t u r n e d m y boots a r o u n d .  -107-  I c h a n g e d direction; hermeneutics sensibility.  25  I chose O b l i g a t i o n i n s t e a d of E t h i c s , r a d i c a l  i n s t e a d of idealistic e s s e n t i a l i s m , f o o l i s h n e s s i n s t e a d of  F o l l o w i n g J o h n Caputo's lead, b u t k e e p i n g my  d i s t a n c e so t h a t I  c o u l d b y p a s s the f i s s u r e s a n d c r a c k s of relativism, I chose to pay a t t e n t i o n to t h a t w h i c h c o n t i n u e s to b i n d me c a u g h t me  to the d u s t r a t h e r t h a n to t h a t w h i c h h a s  i n custom, h a n d c u f f e d me to a set of rules, a r b i t r a r i l y created  and  a r b i t r a r i l y enforced.  In my j o u r n e y i n g away f r o m the f a m i l i a r a n d comfortable places, I f o u n d t h a t a slippage h a d occurred between w h a t I h a d previously a s s u m e d to be r i g h t a n d wrong. In h a v i n g p r o m i s e d to c o n d u c t my w o r k ethically a n d to report my i n s u c h a way t h a t i t c o u l d be t a k e n seriously, I f o u n d m y s e l f standing, o n m o r a l terrafirma  work not  as expected but, l i k e Caputo, o n g r o u n d w h i c h t e n d e d to  shift (3). E s t r a n g e m e n t h a d allowed me to d i s c e r n w h a t p r e v i o u s l y I h a d b e e n i n c a p a b l e of seeing. I realized t h a t ethical eyes/I's have great difficulty i n d i s t i n g u i s h i n g between w h a t i s w r o n g a n d w h a t i s s i m p l y different. I do not k n o w w h e n I developed the h a b i t of j u d g i n g others, how  I c a m e to i m a g i n e  m y s e l f placed on h i g h b u t I a m very grateful to be engaged i n a metanoia,  in a  t u r n i n g f r o m those o l d h a b i t s (112).  W h a t h a p p e n e d was t h a t I f o u n d m y s e l f t u m b l i n g h e a d over heels i n the f o u l s m e l l i n g belly of a whale, forced to give u p my j o u r n e y to T a r s h i s h . T h e n , h a v i n g p u l l e d m y s e l f u p f r o m the v o m i t of the beast a n d c r a w l e d f r o m the  -108-  beach,  I f i n a l l y a d m i t t e d t h a t I h a d b e e n t r y i n g to escape m y o b l i g a t i o n to go  to N i n e v a h . Later, i n the silence, "the w h i s p e r of the w i l l of God" (19) r e m i n d e d me t h a t t h o u g h I m i g h t be able to w a s h m y dirty self, m y d u s t y self w i l l forever r e m a i n . I a m dust. F r o m d u s t I have come. T o d u s t I s h a l l r e t u r n . I r e m a i n c a u g h t b y the v u l n e r a b i l i t y of a n e a r t h b i n d i n g between m y self a n d m y other selves, b y a n irresistible connection between the h u m u s i n thee a n d the h u m u s i n me, b y the obligations t h a t I owe to others, t h a t others owe to me. The o n l y w a y t h a t it w a s possible for me to do t h i s w o r k w a s to take off m y shoes, to t o u c h the earth, to j o i n i n her m o v i n g a n d shifting, to d i g b e n e a t h the surface, to get m y fingernails dirty a n d to let the s t a r s take care of t h e m s e l v e s (5-6).  U n l i k e e t h i c s w h i c h come f r o m o n high, obligation, C a p u t o c a u t i o n s , h a p p e n s "down low, w e l l below the range of p h i l o s o p h i c a l c o n c e p t u a l i t y " (72). E t h i c s are subject to r e d u c t i o n i s m , not deconstructable.  relativism, d e c o n s t r u c t i o n ; o b l i g a t i o n i s  P u l l i n g o n obligation i s like p u l l i n g o n bindweed.  W h e r e v e r i t i s , its roots are there; wherever it i s , its roots are not there. The a p p l i c a t i o n of e t h i c a l standards,  26  like the attempt to be r i d of the  bindweed, gives the appearance of neat closure b u t i t always leaves s o m e t h i n g b e h i n d . O b l i g a t i o n i s w h a t i s left over. L i k e "a remnant, a n u n d i g e s t e d morsel,  a loose fragment, a s h a r d " (90), like w h a t goes into the c o m p o s t o r  b l o c k s the pipes, o b l i g a t i o n irritates; it breeds convolvulus; l i k e water, o b l i g a t i o n f i n d s its w a y into secret places, it eats rocks.  -109-  In spite of the  n e a t n e s s of its design, the r i g o u r of its method, the v a l i d i t y of its data, the generalizability of its c o n c l u s i o n s , r e s e a r c h w h i c h h a s left o b l i g a t i o n u n a n s w e r e d w i l l be h a u n t e d by those w h o s e voices were left out.  O b l i g a t i o n h a s s p o k e n to me of i n d i v i d u a l s w i t h proper n a m e s who w a n t to s h a r e the stories of t h e i r teaching, who w a n t to have t h e i r stories heard.  She  h a s s p o k e n of those i n classrooms, those who w a n t to l e a r n a n d those who not k n o w w h a t they want; she h a s s p o k e n of those who a n d of those who  do  have c h o s e n to t e a c h  have no choice i n the matter.  The r e s e a r c h b e g a n w i t h a q u e s t i o n b u t the q u e s t i o n s w h i c h O b l i g a t i o n p o s e d took h o l d a n d w o u l d not let go u n t i l they h a d b e e n p a i d attention.  The  q u e s t i o n w i t h w h i c h I b e g a n my r e a d i n g - W h a t are the live(d) experiences of teachers w i t h a sense of v o c a t i o n to teaching? - called, b y t r a d i t i o n ,  for a  s t u d y w h i c h w o u l d involve a selection of p a r t i c i p a n t s , a c o n d u c t i n g of interviews, a g a t h e r i n g a n d a n a n a l y s i s of data, a d r a w i n g o u t of c o m m o n themes. Reflection. D e s c r i p t i o n . V a l i d a t i o n . R e p o r t i n g o n the process; d r a w i n g c o n c l u s i o n s a b o u t the essence of a p h e n o m e n o n . S e a r c h i n g for the u n i v e r s a l ; setting the s i n g u l a r aside; a n d m a k i n g s u r e t h a t a l l of the p a r t i c i p a n t s were protected by pseudonyms. S u c h w o r k w o u l d have h a d to be neat a n d tidy a n d ethical.  B u t the q u e s t i o n w h i c h O b l i g a t i o n called out to me i n a woman's voice t u r n e d  -110-  out to b e a n e s t of questions, like the child's "Why?" t h a t r e p r o d u c e s itself. W h a t i s a v o c a t i o n ? W h a t is the source of t h i s c a l l i n g ? D o a l l c r e a t u r e s have a c a l l i n g ? W h a t c a u s e s some to p a y attention a n d others to a v o i d r e s p o n d i n g to t h e i r calling? Is everyone's c a l l i n g s p o k e n i n a language t h a t c a n b e u n d e r s t o o d or is there a need for interpreters, for people w h o h e l p others to d i s c e r n the c a l l of the calling? W h a t c a n teachers l e a r n f r o m one a n o t h e r b y s h a r i n g the stories of the w a y s i n w h i c h e a c h h a s a d m i t t e d to h a v i n g b e e n chosen, the w a y s i n w h i c h e a c h h a s r e s p o n d e d to the c a l l , the w a y s i n w h i c h e a c h h a s o r h a s n o t t r i e d to enflesh the obligation to teach?  I w a s obligated, therefore, to re-design m y s t u d y so t h a t i t f r a m e d a n d w a s e n f r a m e d b y a p o l y p h o n y of voices. I w a s obligated to create spaces i n w h i c h these voices c o u l d be heard. I w a s obligated to invite the u n p r e d i c t a b l e , to t a k e the r o a d less travelled by, one w i t h a few m o r e potholes, a few m o r e detours, one w h i c h leads to a whole n e t w o r k of sideroads.  A n d there w a s a n o t h e r set of obligations to c o n s i d e r - those w h i c h were p l a c e d o n me b y the r e s e a r c h itself. C i t i n g R o b i n Barrow, E d m u n d S h o r t states t h a t "different f o r m s of i n q u i r y are necessary to address different k i n d s of c u r r i c u l u m r e s e a r c h questions" (Short, 1991: 3). T h e q u e s t i o n s w h i c h h a d finally t a k e n h o l d of me i n v i t e d autobiography,  stories of p a r t i c u l a r t e a c h i n g  experiences, m u l t i - i n t e r p r e t a t i o n s of the texts w h i c h were generated a s d a t a a n d created a s a n a l y s i s of data; it w e l c o m e d a m e s s i n g a b o u t w i t h form.  -111-  What  w a s c a l l e d for w a s a n i n t e r l u d e : a s i n g i n g a n d d a n c i n g , a p l a y i n g together. S u c h a n i n q u i r y c a r r i e d a n o b l i g a t i o n for m e to get o u t of t h e way,  to i n v i t e  m y c o l l e a g u e s to enter f u l l y i n t o the process, to b e c o m e what, i n t h e theatre, A u g u s t o B o a l c a l l s "spect-actors" (Boal,  1995: xviii) b u t , a t t h e s a m e time, i t  c a l l e d for m e to r e m a i n t h e p r i m a r y r e s e a r c h e r a n d hence, to a c c e p t t h e o b l i g a t i o n to p l a n , to l e a d a n d to s h a p e t h e work. Otherwise, w e c o u l d a l l w a n d e r a i m l e s s l y t h r o u g h t h e w o r d s - j u s t a s I d i d w i t h a g r o u p of y o u n g s t e r s a few y e a r s ago.  o  A  We had been involved/or Canadian  several  west - telling stories,  and beans,  singing  songs,  participating  in interviews  finaljournal  entry about  Everything  reaching  area.  Most seemed  excited  and one promised  the swampy  ones.  the Pacific  canoes, lesson  included  to lead us.  several  which  Predictably,  off enthusiastically  and quickly  was  a trek to the  assured  bannock  -112-  and  to result  Several  students  a small  wooded  me that they  those who were  knew  familiar  - far too quickly for some  bushes,  I was  soon  in a  beach.  to help them over the stumps,  the blackberry  of the  writing journals  route - up the creek and through  by the prospect;  and through  and eating  to return to the school  As I had to stay behind  areas  preparing  in role. The penultimate  if we could take another  the slower  maps,  how to portage  went well until we started  with the trail headed  tn a study of the early explorers  drawing  learning  asked  the way;  weeks  of  around separated  from  the pathfinders.  save  us from a great deal of difficulty  half an hour later, worn path  Shouting  we stumbled  of entry to the  The pedagogical up.  The following  what  had happened,  changes.  have to provide  Interestingly earlier  enough,  occasion  agreed  should  second journey about  leadership  be identified  a second  some well-  to follow  to the beach and back,  a particular  some that  some chosen  plan of  action.  to lead us on the  was that it was clear to him  to place him in that position the route and the  Within a couple of hours,  developed  a plan of action,  and learned  and about caring for one another  we  in the  had  completed  a great deal about  of  procedure,  the  process.  Q  A s already stated, m y r e s e a r c h h a d to m a k e way for the s e a r c h i n g a n d  -113-  on  have  time but with  who had volunteered  had been used  a leader,  reflected  and that the leader who was  and to seek ours.  selected  should  to have a leader,  again but the difference which  Students  and what  It did not take long for him to establish  criteria,  when,  not  was far too rich for me to  the episode.  that we needed  the same student  was chosen  to offer his commitment identified  we revisited  and seek our consent  and to all of us the criteria responsibility.  in the experience  to try the adventure  It was quickly  did  out onto the road about fifty metres from the  embedded  morning,  We decided  of their passage  and a certain embarrassment  what could have happened  criteria for leadership would  for signs  trail.  opportunity  pass  happened.  and searching  the woods,  r e s e a r c h i n g of the o t h e r s b u t I was the one who developed the p l a n of action, selected the p o i n t of entry, chose the p a t h s to follow as I w i l l be the one  who  faces the m u s i c at the e n d of o u r j o u r n e y i n g . W h a t h a p p e n e d a l o n g the w a y as I i n v i t e d m y colleagues to w a n d e r w i t h me t h r o u g h the recollections of o u r t e a c h i n g a n d of o u r b e c o m i n g teachers was i n t e n d e d to provide s p a c e s for t h e i r stories to m a k e themselves heard. S t i l l , it is m y r e s e a r c h a n d to suggest otherwise w o u l d be n o t only deceptive b u t also unwise. Not foolish, b u t unwise. F o r the foolish, y o u see, are closer k i n to the w i s e t h a n are the unwise.  The c a l l of obligation w h i c h comes f r o m deep i n s i d e the e a r t h comes to e a c h of u s i n the b r e a t h w h i c h W i s d o m blows into a l l of h e r d u s t y creatures b u t those who r e s p o n d to the c a l l of obligation, C a p u t o suggests, are fools. "Fools c o n s u m e t h e i r lives, t h e i r flesh, i n the service of others, of other flesh" (127). The foolishness of obligation m e a n s t r a f f i c k i n g w i t h the m o s t u n b e c o m i n g persons, i n h a b i t i n g the m o s t u n s e e m l y places. It m e a n s c o n s o r t i n g w i t h the i l l constituted, w i t h the lowest registers o n the odor of rank. It l a b o r s a m o n g the poor a n d the homeless, the m e n t a l l y a n d p h y s i c a l l y disadvantaged. It n u r s e s the sick, t e n d s to the t e r m i n a l l y i l l , w o r k s i n the w o r s t s c h o o l s ... (218)  W i s d o m c a l l s o u t for c o m p a s s i o n for a l l creatures, for j u s t i c e for the w h o l e of creation, a n d it is the fools who r e s p o n d b y m a k i n g gifts of themselves. T e a c h e r s are the sort of fools who m a k e gifts of themselves - often, w i t h o u t  -114-  a n y r e w a r d s other t h a n i n the giving. It is these f o o l i s h stories t h a t I have s h a r e d a n d t h a t I have given m y colleagues a n o p p o r t u n i t y to share, s u c h stories t h a t I w o u l d hope those w h o say t h a t they w a n t to t e a c h m i g h t r e a d a n d c o n s i d e r a s they move towards m a k i n g a c o m m i t m e n t to t h i s "holy play" (McLaren,  1988:174).  P l a y i n g together, like eating a n d d r i n k i n g together, m e a n s t o u c h i n g one a n o t h e r - flesh to flesh. T o u c h i n g the flesh of those w h o are like me, those w h o m I like, a n d t o u c h i n g the flesh of those w h o are n o t like me, those w h o m I do n o t like. A l l of u s w h o p a r t i c i p a t e d i n t h i s project have b e e n called to w o r k a n d to p l a y w i t h those w h o are often h a r d to l i k e a n d h a r d e r s t i l l to love. The stories t h a t we have s h a r e d reveal h o w we have m e t those obligations w h i c h have come to u s c l i n g i n g to the flesh (Caputo, 1993:196) of "the m a r g i n a l i z e d , the outcast, the stranger, the a b n o r m a l " (148), those w h o are d e s i g n a t e d a s intellectually, socially, e c o n o m i c a l l y u n w o r t h y b u t who, above a l l , are w o r t h y of o u r love.  The nobodies: nobody's c h i l d r e n , owners of n o t h i n g T h e nobodies: the n o ones, the nobodied, r u n n i n g l i k e r a b b i t s d y i n g t h r o u g h life, screwed every w h i c h way. W h o are not, b u t c o u l d be. W h o don't s p e a k languages, b u t dialects. W h o don't have religions, b u t s u p e r s t i t i o n s . W h o don't create art, b u t h a n d i c r a f t s . W h o don't have c u l t u r e , b u t folklore. W h o are not h u m a n beings, b u t h u m a n resources. W h o do not have faces, b u t arms. W h o do not have names, b u t n u m b e r s . W h o d o n o t appear i n the h i s t o r y of the w o r l d , b u t i n t h e police b l o c k of the l o c a l papers.  -115-  T h e nobodies w h o are n o t w o r t h the b u l l e t t h a t k i l l s them. (from The Book of Embraces  b y E d u a r d o Galeano)  T h e process of gathering the stories c a r r i e d a n o t h e r circle of obligations. I w a s obligated to be sure t h a t those w h o agreed to enter the r e / s e a r c h i n g w i t h me u n d e r s t o o d that, t h r o u g h o u t the time t h a t we were w o r k i n g together, they h a d to decide h o w m u c h or h o w little they were w i l l i n g to s h a r e w i t h me a n d , t h r o u g h me, w i t h others. A t the s a m e time, t h i s o b l i g a t i o n to protect m y colleagues a s we were digging a n d delving into o u r p e r s o n a l h i s t o r i e s w a s j u x t a p o s e d w i t h a n o b l i g a t i o n to lead t h e m into a c r i t i c a l engagement w i t h these re-memberings. T h i s two-fold r e s p o n s i b i l i t y motivated me to design a p r o c e s s i n c o r p o r a t i n g strategies t h a t w o u l d n o t only elicit a u t o b i o g r a p h i c a l i n f o r m a t i o n b u t also encourage a n d facilitate reflection a n d a n a l y s i s .  A l t h o u g h it w a s m y i n t e n t i o n to enable a l l of u s to w a l k i n t o o u r rem e m b e r i n g s a n d to consider t h e m a s they relate to the stories of others, to o u r present experiences a n d to o u r v i s i o n s for the future, it w a s n o t m y i n t e n t i o n to press for s y n t h e s i s w i t h i n o r a m o n g the s h a r e d stories.  The traditional  p r e s s i n g for generalizability, the p h e n o m e n o l o g i c a l s t r i v i n g for essences a n d c o m m o n a l i t i e s , w a s set aside. "The p o i n t of view of 'obligation'," s a y s C a p u t o , is "irrevocably attached to the s i n g u l a r , to the... p a r t i c u l a r " (191). A n d , a s Wen-song H w u r e m i n d s us, t h a t p a r t i c u l a r i s n o t a fixed reality (Pinar, 1995: 493). T h e a u t h e n t i c self, a s it were, i s a self t h a t i s c o n s t a n t l y c h a n g i n g , like  -116-  a n image seen t h r o u g h a mist.  A s I m o v e d f u r t h e r into the research, more a n d more obligations p i r o u e t t e d a r o u n d me.  To w h a t extent s h o u l d I encourage the u s e of other expressive  m e d i a ? W h a t if some w i s h e d to tell their stories i n poetry, m u s i c ,  drama,  dance, v i s u a l art? W h i c h obligation s h o u l d take precedence as I t r a n s f o r m e d the d a t a into d r a m a t i c form? Was  I to be more or less f a i t h f u l to m y art, to  m y research, or to those w h o s e stories I w i l l s h a r e ?  A c c o r d i n g to Noddings,  "the d a t a are, i n a n i m p o r t a n t sense, m u t u a l l y  c o n s t r u c t e d b y researcher a n d subject" (1986: 509) a n d so a genuine q u e s t i o n arose over the o w n e r s h i p of the d a t a a n d over the extent to w h i c h i n t e r p r e t a t i o n s w o u l d d o m i n a t e other interpretations.  my  It w a s c e r t a i n l y n o t  my  i n t e n t i o n to take w h a t was not freely given. Nor d i d I w i s h to m i s i n t e r p r e t the d a t a t h a t were s h a r e d w i t h me.  Therefore, i n my i n i t i a l c o n t a c t w i t h those  who were i n v o l v e d i n the project w i t h me,  I m a d e i t clear t h a t the d a t a w h i c h  were to be collected w o u l d be t r a n s f o r m e d into readers' theatre. In addition, w h i l e I m a d e a c o m m i t m e n t to endeavour to m a i n t a i n the integrity of the m a t e r i a l given to me, data" to u n d e r s t a n d  I w a n t e d those who w o u l d offer the m a t e r i a l s as "raw f r o m the start t h a t I h a d no i n t e n t i o n of s i m p l y  t r a n s l a t i n g i n d i v i d u a l recollections a n d reflections directly into d r a m a t i c dialogue. H a v i n g r e a d w h a t L a u r e l R i c h a r d s o n refers to as "ethnographic d r a m a " (1993: 695), I was quite certain t h a t I h a d a n obligation to s h a p e a n  -117-  acceptable piece of theatre. I d i d not a n d I s t i l l do not believe t h a t the s i m p l e recording dialogue  28  27  of direct dialogue o r the t r a n s p o s i n g of prose into d r a m a t i c  i s a n y more l i k e l y to be d r a m a t i c t h a n the w r i t i n g of w o r d s i n t h e  s h a p e of a p o e m i s to be poetic. T h e aesthetic d i m e n s i o n of the r e s e a r c h obligated me to move b e y o n d dialogical p r o d u c t i o n of d i s c o u r s e a n d to give t h e w o r k a "sense of wholeness, of balance, of design, a n d of integrity" (Huebner, 1975: 226).  I n h a v i n g c o m m i t t e d m y s e l f to the c o m p o s i t i o n of a w o r k for the theatre, I b o u n d m y s e l f to w o r k i n g w i t h the w o r d s i n s u c h a w a y t h a t a t e n s i o n w a s created between the s a i d a n d u n s a i d , between s o u n d / m o v e m e n t a n d stillness. T h r o u g h the f o c u s s i n g o n a n d the c o n t r a s t i n g of voices of t e a c h i n g i n different times a n d places a s w e l l a s t h r o u g h the i n c o r p o r a t i o n of s y m b o l a n d r i t u a l , I t r i e d to create a s c r i p t t h a t w o u l d embody the people a n d t h e i r stories but, a t the s a m e time, place those stories i n a w o r l d apart.  The q u e s t i o n of w h o s e voices s p e a k i n the r e s e a r c h f i n d i n g s i s one w h i c h c a n n o t be avoided i n a n y type of inquiry. B y h a v i n g c h o s e n to invite t h e r e s e a r c h e d to become researchers, I chose to enter into r e l a t i o n s h i p s t h a t d e m a n d e d a great deal of trust. J u s t a s m y colleagues h a d to t r u s t me, i n m y re-writing, a n d later, the actors i n their performing, to be f a i t h f u l to t h e stories w h i c h they h a d s h a r e d i n a c a r i n g c o m m u n i t y so I h a d to be w i l l i n g to let m y teacher's voice s p e a k a s one of many, m y playwright's voice keep t h e  -118-  silences between the voices of others (Lather, 1993: voice s p e a k f r o m underneath,  681), a n d m y researcher's  r a t h e r t h a n f r o m above the work.  In the d e s i g n i n g of t h i s study, I chose to share w i t h other teachers "a s p e c i a l k i n d of voice," one w h i c h J a n e t M i l l e r says "speaks with  a u t h o r i t y " (Agor,  1992: 398). R e s e a r c h a b o u t t e a c h i n g w h i c h i s "performed b y teachers," w h i c h is "deeply embedded i n practice a n d profoundly personal" (396) w e a r s a n a u t h e n t i c i t y t h a t is not easily ignored, not easily d i s g u i s e d b y i n t e r p r e t a t i o n . Therefore, w h i l e the experiences t h a t m y colleagues s h a r e d d i d p a s s t h r o u g h several layers of i n t e r p r e t a t i o n before b e i n g presented o n the stage, I believe that, l i k e the t h r e a d s i n a tapestry, the stories c o n t i n u e d to m a k e t h e i r presence k n o w n i n the drama. T h r o u g h the actors b r i n g i n g life to the w o r d s t h a t h a d b e e n w r i t t e n a n d re-written, the audience was given the o p p o r t u n i t y to w a t c h a n d to l i s t e n t h r o u g h a n "open door" (Brook, r e s e a r c h e r was d i s p l a c e d (Hwu,  1993:  190)  29  1993). The voice of the  so t h a t it b e c a m e as if the voices  of the teachers were b e i n g h e a r d for the first time. T h e n , as n o w i n t h i s r e / w r i t i n g , the u n t a n g l i n g of the voices,  the p u l l i n g o u t of the y(e)arns, i s  b e i n g left to o u r other selves.  What a wonderful course,  So well read and with such conviction.  it took me back to when  beginnings  I entered what  performance.  in teaching,  because  perhaps  my ex-wife  I entered  teaching.  to add to what  was destined  to do with my life at that time, followed  -119-  I would  was said  to be a teacher her lead.  Of  like to tell you  my  tonight.  and I, not  I soon discovered  knowing a lot  about  myself.  obvious  (I) couldn't  I'll never forget  When  Once my Faculty  my marriage  years.  returned  Tonight  to follow.  teaching  However,  I experienced  to teaching  this time of change and strong  Besides,  wanting...  I missed  years  later,  I had examined I pursued  the autonomy  with teacher friends  I identified  that "it  was  comment.  ended four and one-half  longer had a leader  five  told me after two observations  think on my feet."  that  career and found  Advisor  I no  what I wanted  in a  an apprenticeship I had as a teacher,  in carpentry the  with many of the experiences and misgivings expressed  about  I  it.  described  the future  for  camaraderie  and the energy and spirit of the children.  in 1985 and have not regretted  and reassuring  I quit teaching.  by the readers...  there was  ...in these musings  something  In warm  ...  (These c o m m e n t s are excerpts from a n e-mail message w h i c h w a s sent to me less t h a n a n h o u r after the stage performance by a teacher w h o was n o t i n v o l v e d i n the project.)  "From time to time the abyss s h o w s through.... (it) bleeds t h r o u g h the c r a c k s a n d crevices of o r d i n a r y existence." "We are d r i v e n to the edge" or, i f we have n o t l e a r n e d "to l a u g h off the l i m i t s life sets,"  "over the edge" (Caputo, 1993:  239). W h a t i s needed, C a p u t o a s s u r e s us, i s a j o y t h a t i s to b e f o u n d i n o u r o r d i n a r y lives, i n "the finite, i m m a n e n t ... goals of d a i l y life, the s u r p a s s i n g j o y of the day-to-day,  of w o r k a n d c o m p a n i o n s h i p " (234). T h i s i s the j o y w h i c h  b r i n g s life f r o m the N y a g r o d a seed, the j o y w h i c h i n f u s e d o u r d a n c i n g together  -120-  i n t h i s research,  a j o y w h i c h w i l l lead, n o t to a "Resultaf  c o m m i t s m u r d e r (Daignault, legitimating, "exsultaf  (234) w h i c h  1992: 199) b y explaining, j u s t i f y i n g ,  or w h i c h c o m m i t s s u i c i d e b y d e n y i n g a l l m e a n i n g (199), b u t a n  (Caputo, 1993: 234), a l o u d rejoicing i n the very m e t h o d of o u r  m a d n e s s , a celebration of w h a t h a s happened, w h a t i s h a p p e n i n g a n d w h a t w i l l h a p p e n , be i t "for better or for worse" (234).  -121-  The  C h i n i n g of the Locusts ( C o m p a n i o n s Reflect)  I n t h i s s e c t i o n it is m y i n t e n t i o n to r e s p o n d to excerpts f r o m the m a t e r i a l s t h a t were generated b y m y colleagues d u r i n g a n d after the retreat as w e l l as f r o m the t r a n s c r i p t s of the interviews, those t h a t were c o n d u c t e d p r i o r to the g a t h e r i n g a n d those c o n d u c t e d s u b s e q u e n t to the performance of the play. T h e first t h e m e t h a t I d e c i d e d to explore was one of p e r s o n a l a n d p r o f e s s i o n a l development.  I t h o u g h t t h a t I w o u l d f i n d a n u m b e r of c o m m e n t s s i m i l a r to the  one quoted earlier w h i c h spoke of m y h a v i n g invited m y friends to come o u t to p l a y b u t , i n fact, I d i d not. W h i l e I a m still very s u r e t h a t everyone w h o gave u p the w e e k e n d to take p a r t i n the r e s e a r c h saw it as a n o p p o r t u n i t y for t h e m to do s o m e t h i n g for themselves as m u c h as, if not m o r e t h a n , d o i n g s o m e t h i n g for me,  I was u n a b l e to f i n d the w o r d s t h a t expressed t h i s -  p r o b a b l y b e c a u s e it was n o t a q u e s t i o n t h a t I asked. W i t h the following exception, they r e m a i n e d u n s p o k e n (but not unheard).  22  I: (the s h a r i n g of teaching experiences) is one of the things that lacks the school.  Where I used  was like underpaid wanted  to work in a day care - it was a day care;  and not officially  recognized  to work for the kids and everybody  we had bi-weekly stu- with kids. day-to-day, meetings just  meetings  where  We had meetings  papers  and details  to talk about  we would  but everybody  was learning  of the organization,  pedagogie  -122-  it  there  all the time  talk only about dealing  to deal with administration  in  and with  and all of the  but we had  bi-weekly  23  R: Pedagogy  24  I: pedagogysystem  and we have what?  we spend break  and I was really taken  three hours talking  in the morning  25  R:  26  I: (Laughter)  don't have those  46  two days about,  or not?  W h a t do we do a b o u t lates Yes,  by that  I come into the official  a year and then we talk well - Should  school about,  we have a ten  minute  I mean that -  (Laughter)  that's the point I find frustrating  in our system.  We  times.  I: J know that it's not easy to be part of a group and to share your personal teaching and to recognize your flaws and but I also know its very enriching. I mean, there are too few people with whom I can do that and I really regret that....  ( f r o m T r a n s c r i p t A: 1)  A s I l i s t e n e d to the tapes a n d r e r e a d the t r a n s c r i p t s , I c o n t i n u e d to w o n d e r how it m i g h t be possible to b r i n g to the w r i t i n g those t h o u g h t s a n d feelings t h a t were h i d d e n i n the words, h i d d e n i n the choices of words, i n the voice, i n the gesture, i n w h a t was h a p p e n i n g between u s as we talked. The q u e s t i o n r e m a i n s unanswered.  A l m o s t everyone h a d s o m e t h i n g to say about the n o t i o n of t e a c h i n g as a v o c a t i o n b u t these lines of poetry, t a k e n f r o m a longer w o r k w r i t t e n b y one of  -123-  m y c o m p a n i o n s o n the journey, seem to c a p t u r e m u c h of w h a t m a n y of u s shared:  St. John's 1970-1976 I never wanted to be a teacher. I wanted to be an astronomer and watch the heavens, or even a poet and write the heavens. I took a vocational interest inventory. I learned I ought to be a farrier, even though I am scared of horses.  Vancouver 1989 - Present  Like donah who called to Ninevah rejected the call, tried to reject the call, ran in the opposite direction, but ended up in Ninevah anyway, no escape, trapped in a big fish belly, vomited on the shore of Ninevah, still reluctant, sulks for days, I do not know in the sentence the locution or location of my vocation. Where is the call coming from? Who is calling me? I have no vocation, a noun; I have a vocating, a verb. At least I am not vacating. I am not responding to a vocation. I am a vocation, a verb of vocation, always continuous, present, now.  -124-  Jonah was not running away; Jonah was running his vocation. All I have and do. All the strange twists are part of my verbal role. I have not been called to teaching. I am a teacher, teaching always. No vacation from vocation, no avocation, my call is all I live my teaching; my teaching is lived. I have turned a circle, round and round, to know I am a teacher, a farrier even, who shoes students in order to shoo them away, no reluctance to walk with them, only wanting them to hear the poetry in their journeys. I am a teacher, I am a farrier who shoes and shoos students. (Leggo, 1996)  T h e r e s p o n s e s to the p l a y f r o m the actors a n d m e m b e r s of the a u d i e n c e w h o were n o t i n v o l v e d i n the project were o v e r w h e l m i n g l y positive b u t I k n e w t h a t I h a d b e e n p a r t of s o m e t h i n g very p o w e r f u l w h e n I c o n d u c t e d the f i n a l i n t e r v i e w s a n d h e a r d c o m m e n t s s u c h a s these:  1  2  R:  T h e first t h i n g I w a n t to k n o w i s w h e t h e r or n o t y o u r stories w e r e o n stage l a s t night.  I: Oh,  yes!  knowing  Oh my! something  I listened  for my own and it's almost  of what was  to come.  -125-  After  in anticipation  they began,  I  realized  of  that-1  had a sense  my own,  I was  of a feeling hadn't  of what  performers teachers, teachers  faces  - in fact,  the feelings,  the people  which  I found  who know  myself  what  was being said.  nodding  People  were responding  almost  as though  wanted  teachers  and the people  And sometimes  the expressions  that were there,  last night...  I was  there's  blown  you spoke for us.  I mean,  know  that...  you created  deeper from  it. Boy,  This is something  away.  are teachers,  who have been teachers.  and everything and talking  teachers'  else that I've done,  about these thoughts  themselves,  that  they  and emotions.  but  I  would  and the responses  from  thinking  It was just  - you ,  did but you did because something  training  channel  higher  I  and  and it should  to listen to people  In all my time of student anybody  and it was wonderful  -126-  there  at home did a lot of  I never heard  and to recollect those thoughts  was  that...  that in the fall and then to be able to watch again  with  movements.  being said that it  be on the education  a required part of every student  who work  fidgetting  wonderful.  neat to see  of the  with  you took us... and pulled  that should  the faces  in agreement  on their faces  It was  the  together  you - the performers  it was  Not just  also  and  of thoughts  lot of people  the  ... and  and didn't have the avenue  - sort of again this cascade  think that just from  time  over their faces  was  they had a need to express  more  pass  even little  so much to what  me  for  who  for the first  but to watch  up and down  to be able to say something  I'm sure  listening  ... and it gave  doing a lot  and so on and to see the expressions rows of heads  I was  the background  less so the performers,  whole  people  to the others  (in the retreat) - of hearing  and the thoughts,  people's  but because  may have come closer to that of people  been involved  to watch  happen  also really listening  that I think  recollections  would  who teaching  sitting  down  to be involved  and hear and go through  again and it was just  so  be  in it  valuable.  5  R: ...to w h a t extent d i d y o u t h i n k t h a t I h a d t a k e n m a t e r i a l a n d m a n i p u l a t e d i t to the point of altering i t ?  6  I: Listening  to my own stories  and knowing  been told in our group meetings, as such.  rather  story and compressing  changing  11  I really  any alteration lengthy  the nature  some of the other stories  There  didn't get a sense  - maybe  of the story  editing  taking  had  that there  what  it but not taking  that  was  could be a  the germ of it,  not  itself...  R: Y o u k n o w t h a t I m a d e a specific d e c i s i o n to u s e readers' theatre a s a w a y of p r e s e n t i n g this. C o u l d y o u c o m m e n t o n the effect of the readers' theatre i n t e r m s of b r i n g i n g t h i s to life.  12  I: I'm not very experienced was common exposure  with readers'theatre.  or whatever  to it as opposed  when  went last night.  that the audience  to performance  between  reading  Something  the audience  They weren't  I was so impressed that did impress  novel and seeing  is lost in the translation.  creating  Rather  - but they,  than  experience taking  weren't  and in so doing the audience  have gone through so again,  into the group,  at the same  the  time,  into being a teacher.  even  -127-  was  production  of the  performing. by.  They in fact,  have the image  Wow,  of  ; it loses  could sit and,  it tied that  there's a real - the audience  how  difference  We could see the faces  in fact,  little  seeing  the television  close their eyes and in your head have the imaginationwhat you yourself  me most  the visual image for us to be distracted  were telling our stories  with  It loses the irnxxgination  and involvement  the speakers,  that  which I did quite a bit of  thing I can relate it to is perhaps  a wonderful  participation  performers-  because  was left to their own images.  else - the closest  it  theatre  One of the things  someone  not something  I went to school and I have had very  but there's just a couple of things things  It was  individual  it's giving  is involved.  and And  of  that's what just  blew me away.  heads  up and down and saying,  it  nodding  'Cause just as I said. "Yes,  To see all the  yes,  yes.  Oh yes,  that's  That's it exactly."  (Transcript B l )  T h e c o m m e n t s f r o m t h i s colleague c o n f i r m e d w h a t I h a d seen a n d felt - i n the w r i t i n g , i n the r e h e a r s a l s a n d at the performance. However, I a m n o t s u r e t h a t I agree w i t h h e r a b o u t the television p r o d u c t i o n part. I d i d have the p e r f o r m a n c e videotaped w i t h two c a m e r a s a n d I d i d t a k e the time to view the tapes a n d to p l a n the editing so t h a t i t c o u l d be s h a r e d but, i t seems to m e t h a t l i k e the efforts to t r a n s c r i b e the complexities of the interviews, like the f i l m i n g of the w o n d e r f u l novel, s o m e t h i n g very i m p o r t a n t w o u l d be lost i n the translation.  3  R: W h e n y o u w a t c h e d a n d listened to the whole play, were y o u able to say,  4  I: Yes,  "Those are m y words?" I was  but - yes,  I  was.  5  R: A n d were y o u always s u r e w h i c h were y o u r w o r d s a n d w h i c h weren't?  6  I: Not always, there.  People  no. I think there was some - there's definitely that go into teaching  have ... this common  think.  -128-  overlap  experience,  I  7  R: I f i n d it i n t e r e s t i n g t h a t I come i n a n d y o u are p l a y i n g t h e a c o u s t i c guitar. F o r me,  the acoustic g u i t a r takes it b a c k to the b a s i c s a n d  that's the way I see readers' theatre - t a k i n g it b a c k to the b a s i c s a n d I'm w o n d e r i n g if I were to say n o w , okay, I h a d the choice of d r e s s i n g those actors u p i n c o s t u m e s a n d m a k i n g t h e m u p a n d d o i n g a n entirely different k i n d of p l a y - where they p e r f o r m e d t h e characters. H o w do y o u t h i n k t h a t w o u l d have been? 8  I: If they dressed would  up and each one played  have played  one of us?  Probably  a particular - perhaps  have been there somehow-  there's an integration  did  where  it with different  people  it would  character?  integration  Each wouldn't  that goes on the way  have been - it probably  have been received probably  totally differently  sketches  this went a lot - you were attempting  I suppose  whereas  too.  least in my mind ... there was more of an integration sure than I think than having people play different  Like its just  going on  one  you  would character to,  at  therefor  characters.  (Transcript B3)  A m a j o r i t y of the lines t h a t specifically c o n t a i n e d m y story were given to the actor who wore the jester's hat. I see/saw m y s e l f as the fool, t h e  schlemiel,  a n d deliberately chose a n actor who i s a very close f r i e n d a n d w h o h a s engaged i n a great d e a l of fooling a r o u n d w i t h m e over the y e a r s to p l a y t h e role. A l t h o u g h I h a d w o r k e d h a r d to achieve the sort of i n t e g r a t i o n a n d overlap t h a t is referred to i n the previous interviews, I was very sensitive to the p o s s i b i l i t y t h a t someone m i g h t be i n s u l t e d if it appeared t h a t I h a d l a b e l l e d h i m or h e r as  -129-  a n y one of the voices. (In t h e programme, for example, I separated t h e list of actors f r o m t h e list of voices a n d stated t h a t "I believe t h a t we, as teachers, s p e a k i n a l l of these voices a t one time o r another.")  T h a t e a c h of u s s p e a k s i n a variety of voices w a s confirmed for me, f o r example, w h e n s h o r t l y after I h a d f i n i s h e d t h e script, the actor w h o w a s to p l a y the schoolmaster, a n d w h o p r o u d l y c a r r i e s t h e r e p u t a t i o n of b e i n g t h e master, a r r i v e d a t s c h o o l w e a r i n g one p i n k s o c k a n d one p u r p l e sock. H e h a d a w o n d e r f u l time i n v i t i n g responses f r o m students a n d colleagues t h r o u g h o u t the day.  D u r i n g the previous interview , m y colleague spoke w i t h p r i d e of h i m s e l f as 30  the fool a n d t h e n w e n t o n to tell t h e following story: One  of my students  semester  yesterday  and my grade elevens  - you know we now are starting who don't know me in  classes.  I've been pushing  teaching  is theory and I said that I stand  and  potassium  know  so hard talking  and all that stuff and  And  Chemistry  up here and I talk about  it's just  all theory.  if any of this is true and I kind of was hammering theory.  sodium  We don't  really  them story It's not real  after We  don't  what,  Mr.  know."  So finally D-,  new  about all the stuff that I'm  story of how I hold up this model. "This is just even  a  this kid couldn't take it any more and said,  I don't think you know  I said,"  You know  what you're  what!  I don't!"  -130-  doing."  "You know  It was  beautiful.  It was perfect.  I couldn't  have paid  him...  Of course, the telling of a n d the l i s t e n i n g to t h i s story i s i n f i l l e d w i t h laughter. G a r y D a u l t describes l a u g h t e r as "a p r i s m t h r o u g h w h i c h a c l u t c h of other p a s s i o n s c a n be focussed a n d dispersed into light a n d colour" (1995: 51). W h a t a delightful image to k e e p i n m i n d as I r e c a l l the l a u g h t e r i n the interviews, at the retreat, at the rehearsals.  1 2  R: So w h a t d i d y o u t h i n k ? I: J thought  it was great  I thought  well done and I didn't know did  - but it was fun  yourself.  Looking  that other people  5  it was really  Fast-moving,  really what to expect - and I guess  sort of sitting at yourself  interesting.  there looking  down from  but also remembering  had come up  none of us  the moon  some of the  at  episodes  with.  R: I m a d e a definite d e c i s i o n to use Readers' Theatre r a t h e r t h a n p e r f o r m a n c e theatre w i t h people i n c o s t u m e s a n d t h i n g s a n d  I'm  w o n d e r i n g how y o u feel about t h a t decision. 6  1:1 thought and  that was a good decision  wholly  they would had  you were dealing  directly  with the text rather than with any kind of body language try and impersonate  that experience  feeling  because  that it was,  of watching  so I thought  that really was a - I've  that kind of thing before but I had  it made it very focussed.  -131-  When you asked  me  that never the this  and I think of it being sort of - sort of acted - that it would from  the thoughts.  and dealing  We did the acting  this action or that action right?" there and it moved with it. It was  became  9  so neatly  at the retreat and we were inside  neat.  It was  You found  ourselves  thinking,  bloody  yourself  well-written.  inviting  experience  this was going to be an  portray  right on what  The actors just picked  was  it up and  The medium  in other people  to what  in the retreat and I  it  come in  "Did they  No, itjustfocussed  along.  - rather an intimate  whether  detracted  with each other. To have a group of neutral people  and -1 think we might have found  interesting.  have  ran  was  very  was  - what  wondered  intrusion.  R: Certainly, it was a w o n d e r f u l experience for m e a n d I s u r e appreciate the p a r t t h a t y o u p l a y e d i n it.  10  I: Hey,  Jeanette,  it was a privilege.  off the shelf you know, things and remember express  weaknesses  It really  to dust yourself in front  is unusual  as well as feelings  sort of an intimacy  an in group feeling  thing and,  you know,  there are stretches when  a lot of life when  that becomes  sometimes  it gets too easy.  yourself  to live those feelings  you were trying summing  yourself  know  to be objective or subjective up in bits and  know  involved to force  I don't know  about being a part of that-  pieces.  if this was going to be an annoyance  -132-  a bit  same  You  it was enriching  over and try and be - well,  a  you're -  you don't have to think about those kinds of things or be because  when  you really do develop  you're off and retired  and that's why I say it was a privilege  I didn't  And  you know other people are doing the  when  in life,  and  about your profession.  you develop,  in itself because  remember  and to remember  you do that you get to that stage,  privileged  hauled  off and make yourself  of other people  - an in feeling,  to be  in terms of my  if  Kathaumixw  31  the  timing and everything  else but I wouldn't  have missed  it for  world.  (from T r a n s c r i p t B4)  W h e n I first m o v e d to t h i s c o m m u n i t y , I w a s d r a w n i n to w o r k i n g w i t h s t u d e n t s f r o m the U N E S C O c l u b to prepare for the I n t e r n a t i o n a l Days. U n d e r the s p o n s o r s h i p of t h i s colleague, w h o h a s since retired, t h e s c h o o l h o s t e d a n a n n u a l gathering of s t u d e n t s f r o m other c o u n t r i e s w h o were s t u d y i n g at t h e universities. Keynote speakers w o u l d be b r o u g h t i n , debates a n d d i s c u s s i o n s w o u l d take place i n a n u m b e r of c l a s s r o o m s i n the school; there w o u l d be a dinner, a dance, parties, a c a r r a l l y and,  i n one w a y o r another, the w h o l e  c o m m u n i t y w o u l d be involved i n t h i s m a j o r event. It i s n o t s u r p r i s i n g t h a t t h i s m a n i s n o w p l a y i n g a m a j o r role i n the i n t e r n a t i o n a l c h o r a l festival w h i c h i s held bi-annually i n o u r community.  I feel very privileged to k n o w him,  to have w o r k e d w i t h h i m for so m a n y y e a r s  and,  above a l l , to have h a d h i m participate i n t h i s research.  1  R: T e l l m e a b o u t the play, D-.  2  I: I thoroughly  enjoyed  the play.  Mainly  because,  part of it and part of the group that devised  -133-  of course,  having  been  it, it was a treat to kind  of  listen to the vignettes  ... that were scattered  out from  different  people  was a treat..  amazed  how you could take an interview  there and it was all -just condensed  ... and listening  it sure crystallized  to those  come  for me; I was  in the boat and the stories  into a forty-five  minute play.  out It  was  amazing.  8  I: I had never been to a readers' and  I was delighted.  I was thoroughly  9 10  before,  I was absolutely  entertained  was like someone  theatre  I didn't know  what  to  expect  delighted.  but again I had been there you know and it  who took my experience  you a picture."  So I was therefor  was like maybe  you took a script from  and then said,  more than the theatre,  like,  "I'll  you know.  It  me and you were going to put  script into a - make  it into a play and /or I wrote you a story and  were going to make  it into a play and I was there to see how there just  paint  to say, "Well, this sounds  that  you  you  translated  it. I wasn't  like  an  interesting  story and I'd like to be there to be part of it." I was a part of it.  R: A n d y o u were still a p a r t of it i n the t r a n s l a t i o n ? I: Oh YEAH! physically down  OH yeah!  left there-1 mean,  in that basement  of those just  But just passions boy,  I mean the number just  now,  - particularly  came ringing  of times that I, you know,  Ijust got a shiver.  I was  I  back  with the ones that really evoked-  all  back to me.  that whole - God, that got us started  that eclectic.  How we all - all the  into this business,  and it ain't a call thatsjust  you know.  different  The calling  -  the one note the loon hears - not at all  -134-  (from T r a n s c r i p t B5)  I a m i n t r i g u e d b y the c o m m e n t "I p h y s i c a l l y left there." Not l o n g ago,  I was  i n v o l v e d i n a g r o u p m e d i t a t i o n a n d I w a t c h e d people a s t h e y a l l o w e d t h e m s e l v e s to b e c o m e p a r t of the process. T h e r e w a s s u c h a s t i l l n e s s t h a t took over the place. I s a w bodies v a c a t e d a n d I s a w t h e m r e - o c c u p i e d a s people c a m e b a c k f r o m w h e r e v e r t h e i r re-membering h a d t a k e n them. It w a s q u i t e a m a z i n g to see a n d to experience.  1  R: T e l l m e w h a t y o u  thought.  2  I: I think it built a culture of acceptance what I liked about it voices, feeling  I thought  there were things then of valuing  for teachers  that while I was listening  that we all shared  and dedication  in common  made people  itjust  with the  3  it in that kind of setting  more of a story.  telling;  reading  seeing  That's those  and there was  It wasn't  it was a whole piece and I think that the different  all brought  a whole new dimension  R: If I were to a s k y o u n o w a b o u t the w a y t h a t I c h o s e to h a v e i t  I've  reading individual people  to it so it came alive for  performance.  -135-  the  and even though  with those people  It was more of a story.  a  ...that  And then also just  being able to think back to those people  been part of it,  to all  for the work that we did  really did come out and the night of warmth. individuals  as real people,  me  it  performed, as i n readers' theatre as opposed to c o s t u m e s a n d i n d i v i d u a l characters, h o w w o u l d y o u r e s p o n d to t h a t d e c i s i o n ? 4  I: Oh, I would  always  go for the readers'  you wanted  to do a performance,  to re-create,  you know,  putting  exactly  one to draw  Any  time I think  in costumes to failure.  dust keep the abstract  and you know you're not having  away from  to just have a setting,  people  often is doomed  the less you do of that, the better, think about the words  theatre.  the other. The setting  And that abstract was the people  music and the semi-circle  and the way  all of that,  you the freedom  but it allowed  you tried to have people get up there  where  and You  trying know,  to it so you  two  can  dimensions,  kind of enables  you  and the colour and  the voices came back and  the  forth,  of your own interpretation.  - oh, oh, that wouldn't  have  If worked  at all  (Transcript B6)  I have already d i s c u s s e d m y concerns w i t h those w o r k s w h i c h are b e i n g d e s c r i b e d as readers' theatre b u t w h i c h , to me,  s e e m to be s i m p l y oral  readings of u n e d i t e d or moderately edited dialogue or monologue.  T h i s interview c o n f i r m e d t h a t I h a d b e e n s u c c e s s f u l i n m y efforts to move the text f r o m the place where the stories h a d b e e n re-called to a place w h e r e they were s h a r e d w i t h a broader audience. The readers' theatre piece w h i c h I wrote a n d p r o d u c e d not o n l y i n c o r p o r a t e d the elements of theatre b u t also wove the stories together i n s u c h a way t h a t even those w h o s e stories were b e i n g t o l d  -136-  were u n a b l e to u n r a v e l t h e m f r o m the others.  1  I: About Oh,  the  presentation?  I thought  of doughnut know,  it was great here.)  I found  Ifound  it quite poignant.  there was so much feeling  responding as I listened would  for me.  there.  I think I found  I could hear that -,  do it again.  it quite moving.  You know,  mouthful  It was almost  sad.  And I think I - I  was  teaching  very,  sort of thinking  people  (Still got a  when  You  very hard work. I don't know  whether  I say that- people  say,  but you're so good at it." But it's hard work and I think I heard And  it was very clever the way you wound  it- wove  had no idea how you were going to do it And really  well.  Of course,  I was drawn  there and I was recognizing had not been present  2 3  things.  that day.  'Oh,  it all together.  right into it because  I had  There were some people  I  that.  it was good and it  What were their  And  I moved  been  there  who  comments?  R: Oh, there were some very very interesting comments, I: It was quite wrenching, positive  you know.  but the thing I was relating  the demands  Like there was a lot that to was,  was the drain,  you  of it all  4  R: A r e y o u telling m e it w a s depressing?  5  I: No,  no it wasn't.  But it was  - it was sobering.  (Transcript B8)  -137-  It was  serious.  was know,  T e a c h i n g is, a s h a s b e e n s a i d m a n y times, a very i s o l a t i n g sort of work.  We  go into o u r separate c l a s s r o o m s a n d close the doors a n d r a r e l y have the o p p o r t u n i t y to participate i n the sort of "emotional entanglement" t h a t we f o u n d ourselves i n at the retreat. A s C a r l Leggo said, i n the i n t e r v i e w following h i s v i e w i n g of the videotape of the p r o d u c t i o n , it w a s a " r i c h l y h u m a n " experience, one where "we s h a r e d m o r e t h a n stories." T h a t so m a n y of m y colleagues felt t h a t the p l a y "recaptured the i n t i m a c y " of the retreat, t h a t it t o o k t h e m b a c k to the place, to the people, to w h a t h a d "happened i n o u r s h a r i n g " c o n f i r m e d for me t h a t d r a m a h a s a u n i q u e power.  -138-  32  The  Seventh Rumination ( O n Possibilities)  A s I c o n s i d e r the p o s s i b i l i t i e s c o n t a i n e d w i t h i n t h i s research, I also c o n s i d e r the p o s s i b i l i t i e s t h a t r e m a i n outside. There is, for example, the p o s s i b i l i t y t h a t the w o r k m i g h t never have happened. T h e r e i s also the p o s s i b i l i t y t h a t i t m i g h t have b e e n done differently, w i t h different people, i n a different place. And,  of course, the story of t h i s research m i g h t have b e e n t o l d quite  differently f r o m the way t h a t I have told it. I extend a n i n v i t a t i o n to the reader to r u m i n a t e w i t h me  o n these possibilities.  W h e n I wrote the p o e m w h i c h appears i n "Journeying u p the C r o o k e d River," I was s t i l l w r a p p e d i n fear of the a c a d e m y a n d of the j u d g e m e n t t h a t w o u l d come d o w n o n my h e a d if I didn't f i n d the right a n s w e r s a n d report t h e m i n the right way.  I was often tempted to leave, to go h o m e a n d to leave the w o r k undone.  But, fortunately, before I folded my tent a n d r a n away, I h a d a c h a n c e (or p e r h a p s not b y chance) meeting w i t h a friend who,  as o n l y he could, a s k e d  the r i g h t questions. Is the w o r k w o r t h doing? Who  w i l l do i t if y o u don't?  So the q u e s t i o n t u r n e d and re/turned Why  s h o u l d I continue to p u n i s h m y s e l f i n t h i s w a y ?  -139-  A n d the a n s w e r - again, the s a m e two q u e s t i o n s : Is the w o r k w o r t h doing? W h o w i l l do i t i f I don't? T h e w o r k was, a n d s t i l l i s i m p o r t a n t to me. T h e r e i s n o q u e s t i o n t h a t i t w a s w o r t h doing. I n l i s t e n i n g a g a i n to the tapes of the interviews, i n r e a d i n g a g a i n the t r a n s c r i p t s a n d the d o c u m e n t s t h a t were given to me a t the retreat a n d following the retreat, i n w a t c h i n g the play a g a i n a n d again, I a m a m a z e d a t the r i c h n e s s w h i c h i s present i n w h a t seems to be s u c h a s i m p l e project. B e c a u s e the i n i t i a l idea c a m e t h r o u g h me, b e c a u s e I d i d w o r k h a r d i n the p l a n n i n g a n d t h e preparation, i n the c r e a t i o n of the spaces for t h e stories to emerge a n d i n the re-writing, I do have a sense of pride i n the results. B u t , a t the s a m e time, I u n d e r s t a n d m y c o n t r i b u t i o n as maieutic. M y presence a n d m y expertise - i n the areas of p r o f e s s i o n a l development a n d i n theatre - were i m p o r t a n t b u t w i t h o u t the teachers who p a r t i c i p a t e d a s storytellers, as actors a n d as spect-actors, I w o u l d have h a d n o t h i n g to do. T h e r e w o u l d have b e e n n o w o r k to c a l l forth, no p l a y to b i r t h .  T h e first d e c i s i o n t h a t w a s m a d e w a s w i t h regard to methodology.  James  M a c d o n a l d describes three k i n d s of methodologies t h a t c a n be u s e d to generate an understanding  of the w o r l d - science, c r i t i c a l theory a n d mytho-poetics  (Macdonald, 1988: 108). T h e latter invites a n i n d w e l l i n g r a t h e r t h a n a n experimentation;  i t s p e a k s of awe a n d w o n d e r a n d p l a y s w i t h t h e p u z z l e s of  life r a t h e r t h a n s e a r c h i n g for solutions. It seemed to be the m o s t appropriate  -140-  choice.  W i t h i n t h i s framework, there are a n u m b e r of w a y s t h a t the r e s e a r c h m i g h t have b e e n c a r r i e d out. Phenomenology is one way but, w h i l e its traces r e m a i n w i t h i n t h i s work, it i s not the way that, i n the end,  I chose to follow.  As  d i s c u s s e d earlier, I felt t h a t r a t h e r t h a n "crossing out the p a r t i c u l a r " (Grumet, 1995), r a t h e r t h a n t a k i n g the r i s k of l o s i n g i n c o n s e n s u s a n d i n c o m p r o m i s e w h a t m i g h t be s i g n i f i c a n t to the i n d i v i d u a l , r a t h e r t h a n s c r e e n i n g out voices i n a n a t t e m p t to come to a n u n d e r s t a n d i n g of the essence of the p h e n o m e n o n , the w o r k w o u l d be e n r i c h e d b y o u r l i s t e n i n g to m a n y voices telling u s a b o u t the c a l l of t e a c h i n g as it i s h e a r d a n d r e s p o n d e d to a n d as it i s not heard,  not  r e s p o n d e d to.  In l i s t e n i n g to the tapes of the i n i t i a l i n t e r v i e w s t h i s afternoon as I weeded 33  m y garden, I was very i n t r i g u e d w i t h the silences i n those conversations. I c o u l d r e c a l l my s u r p r i s e at some of the responses. There i s the suggestion, i n one of the conversations, t h a t my b o d y m i g h t have s h o w n d i s a p p o i n t m e n t t h o u g h it was not evident i n the speech. B u t w h a t was very a p p a r e n t was  the  i n d e c i s i o n . I didn't k n o w w h e t h e r to proceed a n d to c o n t i n u e to d r a w t h i s p e r s o n into the r e s e a r c h or to t h a n k her, t u r n off the tape recorder a n d have a c a s u a l visit. Instead, as I w o u l d i n my weeding if I were u n s u r e of the i d e n t i t y of a p l a n t t h a t I f o u n d p o p p i n g u p i n some crowded spot of m y garden, I decided to w a i t a n d to see w h a t w o u l d emerge. In the end, everyone who  -141-  had  b e e n c o n t a c t e d a n d who h a d responded w i t h interest was i n v i t e d to participate, to have a voice. ( T h e y agreed a n d I agreed; we were i n agreement. ) In 34  retrospect, I w o u l d say t h a t t h i s was a good decision. Not o n l y d i d those of u s who were c a u g h t by the concept of v o c a t i o n have to r e - t h i n k o u r u n d e r s t a n d i n g s b u t also those who h a d never c o n s i d e r e d t e a c h i n g as a c a l l i n g h a d to l o o k at t h a t possibility. W h a t emerged i n the text of the d r a m a w a s  a  sort of c o n - f u s i o n of views.  The s e c o n d m a j o r d e c i s i o n was to choose the m e t h o d of g a t h e r i n g the data. Originally, I designed a m e t h o d w h i c h i n c o r p o r a t e d aspects of Pinar's Ondaatje's c o m m o n p l a c e b o o k  35  currere,  (Ondaatje, 1992: 96), Butt's collaborative  a u t o b i o g r a p h y a n d Groome's s h a r e d praxis. After h a v i n g m a d e a p r e s e n t a t i o n to the A n n u a l Conference of the J o u r n a l of C u r r i c u l u m T h e o r i z i n g i n September, 1995, I was c o n v i n c e d t h a t the strategies h a d to be simplified. D i s c u s s i o n s w i t h B i l l P i n a r a n d R i c h a r d B u t t , b o t h of w h o m h a d a t t e n d e d  my  session, s u p p o r t e d t h i s d e c i s i o n a n d helped me to revise the process so that, r a t h e r t h a n u s i n g text other t h a n t h a t generated b y the p a r t i c i p a n t s ,  two  s c h o o l p h o t o g r a p h s were u s e d as the c o m m o n place. One of the photographs, 36  t a k e n early i n the 1920's, s h o w s my father a n d h i s c l a s s m a t e s o n the steps of the s a m e s c h o o l where I s a t w i t h my peers as the second p h o t o g r a p h w a s t a k e n some t h i r t y years later. T h i s decision to u s e photographs as a m e a n s of e v o k i n g p e r s o n a l m e m o r i e s h a d positive r e s u l t s i n t h a t it encouraged the o t h e r s to u s e t h e i r own a n d other bodies to r e m e m b e r a n d to recreate a n u m b e r of very  -142-  i n t e r e s t i n g images f r o m their s t u d e n t experiences.  T h e r e are also a n u m b e r of possible questions t h a t m i g h t have b e e n a s k e d i n the interviews a n d i n the generation of d a t a at the retreat. Some, for example, m i g h t have revealed more a b o u t attitudes t o w a r d s p r o f e s s i o n a l development activities a n d to the activities i n c l u d e d as part of t h i s p a r t i c u l a r project b u t t h i s i n f o r m a t i o n i s not especially relevant. And,  it does s e e m to me  several of the interviews, the attitudes are implicit. W h a t I a m  that i n  not so c e r t a i n  of is w h e t h e r or not I s h o u l d have focussed less o n the t h e m e s of s c h o o l  and  t e a c h i n g a n d m o r e o n the p e r s o n a l stories of the teachers. However, there i s a l w a y s the p o s s i b i l i t y t h a t h a d I done t h a t there m i g h t have b e e n less s h a r i n g . O f t e n people who  are not u s e d to w o r k i n g a u t o b i o g r a p h i c a l l y - w h i c h i s the  m a j o r i t y of those who  were involved i n t h i s project - feel m o r e protected w h e n  they c a n place the p e r s o n a l stories w i t h i n the f r a m e w o r k of s o m e t h i n g else, s u c h as the professional.  The other m a j o r d e c i s i o n t h a t was m a d e h a d to do w i t h the way t h a t I w o u l d s h a r e the d a t a t h a t were collected. t h a t I was  c h o o s i n g a way  37  In c h o o s i n g to use d r a m a , I a n t i c i p a t e d  of m i r r o r i n g the t e n s i o n a n d the r e l a x a t i o n ,  the  b a l a n c e a n d the imbalance, a way of re-calling "the r h y t h m i c incoherence" (Langer, 1957:  8) of the lives of teachers.  D r a m a as it i s performed i n a theatre may  -143-  be described as b e i n g either  p r e s e n t a t i o n a l or representational. P r e s e n t a t i o n a l d r a m a i s h i g h l y stylized theatre a n d i t m a k e s n o pretense, t h r o u g h elaborate sets, c o s t u m e s or a n y t e c h n i c a l means, to b r i n g a reality to the stage i n t o w h i c h the a u d i e n c e c a n escape. In the case, for example, of Bertolt Brecht's p l a y s the w o r k i s f r a m e d i n s u c h a w a y t h a t the a u d i e n c e i s c o n s t a n t l y r e m i n d e d of its d i s t a n c e f r o m the s i t u a t i o n a n d t h u s of its ability to m a k e p o l i t i c a l d e c i s i o n s w h i c h w i l l c h a n g e a n u n a c c e p t a b l e reality for themselves a n d for others. S i m i l a r l y , the w o r k of A u g u s t o B o a l sees the theatre a s a place for e n f r a m i n g i s s u e s i n s u c h a w a y t h a t people become c o n s c i o u s of the need for p o l i t i c a l change but, u n l i k e Brecht, B o a l b l u r s the b o u n d a r i e s between the r e a l a n d the imagined, b e t w e e n the a u d i e n c e a n d the spectator so t h a t the spect-actor c a n a c t u a l l y rehearse these changes.  In the c o n v e n t i o n a l v o c a b u l a r y of the theatre, then, readers' theatre, w h i l e i t does n o t often serve the sort of political agenda t h a t i s present i n the w o r k of B r e c h t a n d B o a l , i s p r e s e n t a t i o n a l r a t h e r t h a n representational. I a m aware that, c o n s i d e r i n g the w a y i n w h i c h I have u s e d the w o r d re-present to m e a n a way of m a k i n g a person, a s i t u a t i o n , present again, t h i s differentiation m a y s e e m b o t h c o n f u s i n g a n d contradictory. I apologize for t h i s c o n f u s i o n b u t I w i l l leave the c o n t r a d i c t i o n alone.  38  D o n m o y e r describes readers' theatre as: a staged p r e s e n t a t i o n of a piece of text or selected pieces of different texts w h i c h are t h e m a t i c a l l y l i n k e d .  -144-  Selections are sometimes performed b y i n d i v i d u a l s a n d sometimes r e a d chorally by the ensemble or a s u b g r o u p of ensemble players. Staging is simple; scenery i s n o r m a l l y l i m i t e d to stools a n d ladders; p r o p s are u s e d sparingly, if at a l l ; a n d t h e a t r i c a l lighting, a l t h o u g h i t e n h a n c e s the d r a m a t i c i m p a c t of the readers' theatre p r o d u c t i o n , i s not required. The performers h o l d scripts, a n d any "acting out" of a piece i s l i m i t e d a n d h i g h l y stylized.  In c h o o s i n g to use readers' theatre, as opposed to p e r f o r m a n c e t h e a t r e , 1 39  deliberately rejected the c o n j u r i n g u p of "the i l l u s i o n of reality o n stage" (1995: 6). Instead of c r e a t i n g a series of c h a r a c t e r s for the a u d i e n c e to l o o k at, the actors were s h a r i n g stories i n s u c h a way t h a t the a u d i e n c e was i n v i t e d to enter into these other places a n d times as they saw them, as they h a d experienced them. The w o r k encourages the a u d i e n c e to l a u g h w i t h , r a t h e r t h a n to l a u g h at, to b r i n g t h e i r own stories of p a i n a n d f r u s t r a t i o n , of j o y a n d success, alongside those b e i n g told b y the actors o n stage, a n d t h u s , to m a k e m e a n i n g of t h e i r own  experiences.  In w r i t i n g a s c r i p t for either p r e s e n t a t i o n a l or r e p r e s e n t a t i o n a l theatre,  the  p l a y w r i g h t i s confronted b y decisions a b o u t w h a t c h a r a c t e r s to b r i n g to life, w h a t sort of language to use, w h a t to i n c l u d e a n d w h a t to leave out. In t h i s case, I chose to w o r k w i t h voices r a t h e r t h a n w i t h characters. A f t e r reviewing a l l of the m a t e r i a l w h i c h I h a d gathered, I d i s c e r n e d t e n voices of t e a c h i n g the V o i c e of Experience, the Voice of C o m m i t m e n t , the V o i c e of C o m p a s s i o n , the V o i c e of Idealism, the Voice of Passion, the Voice of Perseverance,  the  V o i c e of C o n f u s i o n , the V o i c e of the A r t i s t , the V o i c e of the Fool, a n d the  -145-  V o i c e of the Master. In the o r i g i n a l p r o d u c t i o n , e a c h voice was b r o u g h t to life b y a different actor b u t (as I n o t e d i n the programme) I believe t h a t we,  as  teachers, s p e a k i n a l l of these voices at one time or another.  The d r a m a t i c f r a m e w o r k w i t h w h i c h I b e g a n was b o t h t e m p o r a l a n d conceptual. The o p e n i n g movement, w h i c h e s t a b l i s h e s itself as set i n the c l a s s r o o m t h r o u g h a r o l l c a l l , d r a w s u p o n the stories t h a t the teachers t o l d of t h e m s e l v e s as students. It i n c l u d e s h u m o r o u s stories, p l e a s a n t stories a n d s o m e t h a t are far f r o m pleasant. The t r a n s i t i o n f r o m the s t u d e n t p a s t to the t e a c h i n g p a s t i s achieved t h r o u g h a g r a d u a t i o n scene. The s e c o n d movement, w h i c h i s i n t r o d u c e d t h r o u g h a n a l l u s i o n to Jonah's j o u r n e y i n g to N i n e v a h b y way of T a r s h i s h , provides i n s i g h t into a variety of w a y s t h a t teachers r e s p o n d a n d f a i l to r e s p o n d to the c a l l of teaching. The t h i r d m o v e m e n t i s set i n the present a n d offers a k i n e t i c dialectic of o p i n i o n s a b o u t w h a t teachers perceive as h a p p e n i n g i n the classroom. The f i n a l m o v e m e n t i s m o r e reflective a n d symbolic; the dialogue becomes a m o v i n g b a c k a n d f o r t h f r o m m e m o r i e s of the p a s t to v i s i o n s of the future. The w o r k e n d s as i t b e g a n - w i t h gentle m u s i c .  I n t r y i n g to create a w o r k t h a t was theatrical, a w o r k t h a t was pleasing,  aesthetically  I k n e w t h a t there was a s t r o n g p o s s i b i l i t y t h a t I m i g h t cover u p the  t r u t h s t h a t h a d b e e n shared. There was also the danger of r o m a n t i c i z i n g a n d t h u s t r i v i a l i z i n g the stories. I endeavoured to avoid b o t h of these pitfalls. d r a w i n g f r o m the t r a n s c r i p t s of interviews, f r o m letters, poems, stories,  -146-  By  d r a w i n g s as w e l l a s entries f r o m m y o w n a n d f r o m others' j o u r n a l s , I gleaned stories f r o m e a c h of the p a r t i c i p a n t s . Then, t h r o u g h the i n c o r p o r a t i o n of a variety of recollections a n d reflections i n the drama, I t r i e d to provide t h e a u d i e n c e w i t h i n s i g h t into p e r s o n a l histories as w e l l a s into those experiences t h a t were h e l d i n common. I m a d e n o attempt to s m o o t h over the d i s e n c h a n t m e n t s n o r to p r o m u l g a t e the c o n c e p t i o n of the teacher a s "the good k i d " (rasberry, 1995). L i k e the k n o t s a n d b r a i d s i n a m u l t i - t e x t u r e d tapestry, the p r o t r u s i o n s i n o u r lives were left to d r a w attention, to invite t o u c h i n g .  "Narrative i s n o t s i m p l y p e r s o n a l story-telling" (Smith, 1996). T h e i n d i v i d u a l story gains m e a n i n g w i t h i n the context of the larger stories. I n t h i s work, t h e larger s t o r y is the story of t e a c h i n g i n the p u b l i c s c h o o l system. It w a s i n a n attempt to place the stories of i n d i v i d u a l teachers i n a m e t o n y m i c r e l a t i o n s h i p w i t h the larger s t o r y t h a t I chose to u s e the t e n voices of teaching. T h e voices of experience, commitment, compassion, i d e a l i s m , perseverance,  passion  a n d c o n f u s i o n s p o k e for a l l of u s j u s t as d i d the voices of the fool, t h e a r t i s t a n d t h e master.  G l a s g o w Koste, i n d i s c u s s i n g the t r a n s f o r m a t i o n a l w o r k of the p l a y w r i g h t t h a t we have called d r a m a t i c adaptation, suggests t h a t the process i s m o r e of a n a d o p t i n g t h a n it is a n adapting. S h e says, "I f i n d t h a t the n a r r a t i v e s o u r c e s I have c h o s e n to (adopt, to) 'take u p a s m y own' are a s deeply p o s s e s s e d a s those p r i m a r y sources t h a t m y 'original' p l a y s are b o r n of." T h e "deep  -147-  r e s p o n s i b i l i t y " to those whose stories one i s b r i n g i n g to life o n t h e stage d e m a n d s a care-full-ness. W h a t W i n i f r e d W a r d describes a s b e i n g a t t h e heart of the o r i g i n a l story, Koste says, "cannot be betrayed" (1995: 10).  D u r i n g t h e i n i t i a l conversations, one of m y colleagues i n d i c a t e d t h a t h e w o u l d like to p e r f o r m i n t h e readers' theatre presentation. O f course, t h i s w a s a p o s s i b i l i t y b u t one t h a t I w a s n o t really o p e n to t h e n (although I s a i d t h a t we c o u l d t a l k a b o u t it a n d re-consider a t a later time). I a m even l e s s o p e n to t h a t v a r i a t i o n now. F o r p u r p o s e s of the research, it w a s very i m p o r t a n t t h a t those w h o s e stories were h i d d e n i n the text of the p l a y n o t r e a d t h e s c r i p t p r i o r to the p r o d u c t i o n b e c a u s e the s c r i p t w a s w r i t t e n to be performed. A l t h o u g h m o s t of w h a t w a s m a d e present - i n t h e costumes, the set, t h e props, t h e m o v e m e n t a n d t h e m u s i c - i s noted in'the stage directions, these elements r e m a i n tied to t h e paper, b o u n d i n t h e text. It i s only w h e n they are given life o n t h e e m p t y stage w i t h a n a u d i e n c e t h a t they express t h e ideas h i d d e n w i t h i n them.  A s t h e playwright, I k n e w w h a t I w a s t r y i n g to create; as t h e d i r e c t o r / p r o d u c e r , I envisioned w h a t the play w o u l d be like for a n a u d i e n c e b u t it wasn't u n t i l t h e actors moved into m y l i v i n g r o o m a n d p e r f o r m e d t h e w o r k t h a t I experienced its fullness.  -148-  1996 01 22  Yesterday convoy,  afternoon  the cars began  they came one after another  teacher/actors  and assorted  We made  an empty space  rehearsal.  I was assured  teachers  to enter the driveway  whom  and my house filled  acquaintances in the middle  (and  before 2. Like  with a delightful  whom I had invited  to read the  of the living room and had a  that it is a powerful  I have known  shortly  work,  a witness  those whom I have not even  group  a of  play.  great  to the lives of met).  I never cease to be a m a z e d a t the power of d r a m a to d r a w people o u t of t h e m s e l v e s a n d to u n i t e t h e m i n the act of creation.  It w a s equally i m p o r t a n t t h a t the play be presented b y actors w h o h a d n o t b e e n p a r t of the o r i g i n a l group.  40  However, it i s possible, c o n s i d e r i n g t h a t t h e  actors are also teachers a n d t h a t m a n y of t h e m k n o w the storytellers quite well, t h a t the c a s t i n g m i g h t have affected the w a y t h a t t h e w o r k w a s p r e s e n t e d a n d received.  41  I n retrospect, I w o n d e r w h a t m i g h t have b e e n l e a r n e d h a d I  c h o s e n to interview the actors after the performance.  T h e r e i s the p o s s i b i l i t y t h a t the project m i g h t have b e e n s i t u a t e d i n a n o t h e r place a n d t h a t it m i g h t have engaged other people. However, I t h i n k it w a s i m p o r t a n t for me (and, perhaps, for the teachers involved) t h a t I d i d t h e w o r k i n m y h o m e c o m m u n i t y where I a m k n o w n a n d (I think) t r u s t e d . B e i n g able to  -149-  meet i n my  h o m e a n d at a retreat centre w h i c h was also a f a m i l i a r s e t t i n g for  m a n y m e a n t t h a t we d i d not n e e d to s p e n d a lot of time c r e a t i n g a sense of c o m m u n i t y . I believe that, w i t h the time c o n s t r a i n t s , it was i m p o r t a n t t h a t the people who my  were involved k n e w e a c h other (that i s , w i t h the exception of  colleague f r o m the u n i v e r s i t y who  d i d not r e m a i n a stranger to the g r o u p  for very long) a n d t h a t they felt comfortable w i t h one another. It was  also  evident t h a t the p a r t i c i p a n t s respected one a n o t h e r o n a p e r s o n a l as w e l l as o n a p r o f e s s i o n a l level, t h a t they cared for one a n o t h e r a n d t h a t they were w i l l i n g to t a k e r i s k s w i t h i n the group.  42  It i s possible t h a t a n u m b e r of other factors c o u l d have c a u s e d the project to have emerged i n a different way.  Obviously,  my p e r s o n a l experiences w i t h  a u t o b i o g r a p h i c a l w o r k a n d w i t h s h a r e d p r a x i s m e a n t t h a t I h a d some i d e a of the k i n d of r e s u l t s t h a t m i g h t be evoked by u s i n g these methods. M y c o m m i t m e n t to the c o n t i n u u m of teacher e d u c a t i o n a n d p r o f e s s i o n a l development as w e l l as the s a n c t i o n i n g of t h i s research by the u n i v e r s i t y a n d by the D i s t r i c t P r o f e s s i o n a l Development C o m m i t t e e may  or may  not have h a d  a n i n f l u e n c e o n people's perception of the value of the work.  A s I c o n s i d e r the possibilities for the f u t u r e of t h i s research, I i m a g i n e a l l sorts of w a y s i n w h i c h I c a n take w h a t I have learned f r o m t h i s project i n t o the n e x t project a n d the next b u t the p u r p o s e for s h a r i n g my r e s e a r c h i s not so m u c h to describe w h a t I have done a n d w h a t I w i l l do as it i s to excite others a b o u t the  -150-  p o s s i b i l i t y of u s i n g d r a m a w i t h i n the w h o l e c o n t i n u u m of teacher e d u c a t i o n a s a w a y of c o m i n g to the "horizons of the s e l f (Butt, 1995) a n d of f i n d i n g the h o r i z o n s of o u r other selves.  O n e of the areas where I have already suggested the w o r k c o u l d b e a p p l i e d is i n b r i n g i n g the stories of teachers a n d student-teachers together. A few y e a r s ago, J o e N o r r i s a n d a group of h i s s t u d e n t s at the U n i v e r s i t y of A l b e r t a p r o d u c e d a videotape entitled Great Expectations.  T h r o u g h d r a m a t i c i m p r o v i s a t i o n of  p e r s o n a l narratives, they presented a series of vignettes f r o m a variety of t e a c h i n g practica. S i n c e the w o r k w a s created b y student-teachers, it p r e s e n t s a n easily identifiable point-of-view. W h e n I s h o w e d the videotape at a s e m i n a r for student-teachers a n d t h e i r s p o n s o r i n g teachers two y e a r s ago, I f o u n d t h a t m o s t of the student-teachers k n e w s i m i l a r stories. B u t , a s evident i n the response of one of the teachers w h o w a s offended b y the images of teachers t h a t were presented, the p i c t u r e w a s incomplete. T h e stories were those of the student-teachers, not those of the teachers. It seems to me t h a t the j u x t a p o s i t i o n i n g of a w o r k s u c h a s At the Heart of It All, n a r r a t i v e s of teachers, a n d Great Expectations,  w i t h its d r a m a t i z e d  w i t h the i m p r e s s i o n s of  student-teachers, m i g h t generate some lively d i s c u s s i o n a s w e l l a s l e a d to i n t e r e s t i n g follow-up i m p r o v i s a t i o n a l or s c r i p t e d d r a m a work.  43  The teacher-educator is always challenged to f i n d w a y s of h e l p i n g a n d e n c o u r a g i n g student-teachers to view the w o r l d of the c l a s s r o o m f r o m altered  -151-  perspectives. U n l i k e those entering m o s t professions, those w h o enter teacher p r e p a r a t i o n p r o g r a m m e s have spent m o s t of their lives i n the classroom. T h e c l a s s r o o m i s a f a m i l i a r place, too familiar. T h o s e w h o w a n t to t e a c h n e e d to be able to see t h i s f a m i l i a r place t h r o u g h eyes other t h a n t h e i r o w n b e c a u s e the c l a s s r o o m s i n w h i c h they are to be teachers w i l l be u n f a m i l i a r places; they w i l l n o t b e the c l a s s r o o m s i n w h i c h they have b e e n s t u d e n t s a n d the s t u d e n t s w h o m they meet w i l l be different f r o m themselves.  Student-teachers w h o are  p r o v i d e d w i t h the o p p o r t u n i t y to tell t h e i r o w n stories, are m o r e l i k e l y to r i s k a c r i t i c a l e x a m i n a t i o n of themselves a s l e a r n e r s ( J i p s o n a n d W i l s o n , 1995) a n d to recognize the differences between t h e i r histories i n the c l a s s r o o m a n d the h i s t o r i e s of those w h o w i l l be t h e i r students.  B y v i e w i n g a n d d i s c u s s i n g a script s u c h as At the Heart of It All,  student-  teachers c o u l d come to a n e w u n d e r s t a n d i n g of teachers a n d of teaching. B y re-enacting t h e i r o w n stories a n d w o r k i n g together to c o n s t r u c t d r a m a t i c s c r i p t s t h a t w o u l d re-present those stories, they w o u l d have the o p p o r t u n i t y to l e a r n m o r e a b o u t the selves t h a t they w i l l b r i n g to teaching. B y l i s t e n i n g to the stories t h a t s t u d e n t s tell they m i g h t be c h a l l e n g e d f u r t h e r .  44  The  i n c o r p o r a t i o n of strategies w h i c h help p a r t i c i p a n t s to move i n t o t h e i r o w n a u t o b i o g r a p h i e s a n d to place t h e i r stories a n d v i s i o n s i n a k i n e t i c dialectic w i t h other stories, other visions; a n d s i m i l a r l y , the t r a n s f o r m a t i o n of these stories into artistic c o m p o s i t i o n s invites b o t h p a r t i c i p a n t s a n d p e r c i p i e n t s to l i s t e n to the s o u n d s a n d the silences of these experiences m o r e carefully.  -152-  E a r l i e r t h i s year, I w a s invited to present a d r a m a w o r k s h o p a t t h e B r i t i s h C o l u m b i a Teachers' F e d e r a t i o n B e g i n n i n g Teachers' Conference.  Instead of  i n t r o d u c i n g strategies t h a t teachers m i g h t u s e to i n c o r p o r a t e d r a m a into t h e i r o w n c u r r i c u l a , I f o u n d myself h e l p i n g y o u n g teachers to u s e d r a m a a s a w a y of re-membering, re-entering a n d c h a n g i n g their stories so t h a t they c o u l d move out f r o m a h i s t o r y t h a t they f o u n d to be oppressive.  B y engaging i n the sort of t r a n s f o r m a t i o n a l d r a m a w o r k t h a t A u g u s t o B o a l c a l l s F o r u m theatre a n d R a i n b o w of Desire (Boal, 1995), teachers a n d student-teachers are able to re-present t h e i r o w n experiences i n t h e c l a s s r o o m a n d to e x a m i n e t h e i r responses to the v a r i o u s s i t u a t i o n s i n w h i c h they m i g h t have f o u n d themselves a s students, as student-teachers or a s teachers; they c a n enter t h e s i t u a t i o n s a s others m i g h t have perceived them; they c a n imagine n e w w a y s to a p p r o a c h c o m m o n problems. T h e y c a n rehearse t h e i r i n t e r a c t i o n s w i t h s t u d e n t s a n d colleagues. B y engaging i n role d r a m a , teachers a n d student-teachers c a n be provided w i t h a n o p p o r t u n i t y to t r y o n different roles, to w e a r different m a s k s , to experience the w o r l d a s it m i g h t be experienced b y others.  If teacher e d u c a t i o n c u r r i c u l a were to incorporate d r a m a a s a w a y of p r o v i d i n g o p p o r t u n i t i e s for the student-teacher to become m i n d f u l of the w o r l d of t e a c h i n g before b e g i n n i n g to a u t h o r a life as a teacher w i t h i n a p a r t i c u l a r  -153-  political, s o c i a l a n d geographical context, it m i g h t help t h e m to peel b a c k the layers of t h e i r "taken-for-grantedness" suggested i n my  (Peterat a n d S m i t h , 1994). A s I have  own stories, teachers need s i m i l a r o p p o r t u n i t i e s to linger i n  the images of past, present a n d f u t u r e classrooms,  to s e a r c h o u t themes, to  u n c o m p l i c a t e a n d recomplicate people a n d s i t u a t i o n s , to p l a y w i t h language, to create a r t f u l texts, to g a i n w h a t M a d e l e i n e G r u m e t c a l l s "the b i t t e r w i s d o m of t h i s sweet work" (1988, xx). T h r o u g h drama, b o t h those who those who  teach  and  w a n t to teach m i g h t be engaged i n s e r i o u s reflection o n the  difficulties of t e a c h i n g a n d i n the c o n s t r u c t i o n a n d r e c o n s t r u c t i o n of pedagogies w h i c h are u n i q u e l y their  own.  W h i l e the actor does h o l d a m i r r o r u p to nature, it m u s t be u n d e r s t o o d t h a t the actor i s able to p a s s t h r o u g h the l o o k i n g glass into a place w h e r e there i s no n e e d to w o r r y a b o u t a l l o w i n g the words, the a c t i o n s to u n f o l d u n p l a n n e d . A s was d i s c u s s e d earlier, however, s u c h a place h o l d s b o t h dangers a n d o p p o r t u n i t i e s . It i s i m p o r t a n t t h a t those who  l e a d others i n d r a m a activities  have a n u n d e r s t a n d i n g of the way i n w h i c h d r a m a works. T h e r e i s always a n e e d to intervene w h e n people are m o v i n g too deeply into the work. W h e n w o u n d s are opened, p r o v i s i o n m u s t be m a d e t h r o u g h w r i t i n g or c o n v e r s a t i o n or some other appropriate m e a n s to facilitate healing.  P r o t e c t i o n f r o m j u d g e m e n t m e a n s t h a t those involved i n the d r a m a may  feel  e n c o u r a g e d to become risk-takers. Protection f r o m c o n s e q u e n c e s m e a n s t h a t it  -154-  is p o s s i b l e to rehearse daily living.  S u c h o p p o r t u n i t i e s for r e h e a r s a l of one's  w o r k i n t h e c l a s s r o o m m i g h t benefit t h e p a r t i c i p a n t s a n d t h e spectators, t h e t e a c h e r s a n d t h e i r students. D r a m a w o r k as i t c o u l d be i n c o r p o r a t e d i n t h e c o n t i n u u m of teacher education, therefore, w o u l d be f a r m o r e t h a n s i m p l y p l a y i n g a r o u n d . It w o u l d be h u m a n beings, as subjects a n d objects, c o n f r o n t e d b y s i t u a t i o n s w h i c h w o u l d challenge t h e m and, inevitably, w o u l d change them.  T e a c h i n g i s n o t for " t h e t i m i d , n o r for t h e a u t h o r i t a r i a n rule-followers" (Zlotnik, 1995: 9). In t h e c u r r e n t political,  s o c i a l a n d e c o n o m i c context,  there i s a n e e d to engage i n lively dialogue w i t h colleagues a n d w i t h f u t u r e colleagues a b o u t pedagogy as w e l l as a b o u t i s s u e s of governance a n d ethics. T h e theory w h i c h h o l d s a teacher's practice together m u s t be d r a w n o u t of t h e tacit r e a l m of p r a c t i c e into the explicit r e a l m of d i s c o u r s e a b o u t p r a c t i c e before a c r i t i c a l pedagogy w i l l emerge. One p o w e r f u l w a y of d o i n g t h i s i s t h r o u g h t h e u s e of drama. R a t h e r t h a n p r o m o t i n g t h e sort of caedere  w h i c h c o n t i n u e s to  c u t off theory f r o m practice, d r a m a w o r k allows for a p o i n t a n d c o u n t e r p o i n t of o p p o s i t i o n a n d c o n t r a d i c t i o n ; i t provides t h e o p p o r t u n i t y to engage i n a caesura  45  t h a t i s b o t h a t u r n i n g f r o m w h a t h a s b e e n a n d a seeking, t h r o u g h a  c o n t e m p l a t i o n of c o n t r a d i c t i o n , of w h a t m i g h t be.  L i k e desert ascetics (Sheldrake, 1995: 22), those w h o come together to s t u d y a n d to w o r k i n t h e s a m e place s h o u l d take t h e time to create a c o m m u n i t y of  -155-  learners, to enter into c o n v e r s a t i o n a b o u t teachers a n d teaching, to l i s t e n to, a n d to re-enact the stories of teachers who, despite t h e i r w e a k n e s s e s a n d frustations, are engaged i n w h a t Peter M c L a r e n so aptly calls "holy play" (1988: 174).  -156-  Beside the Sea ( T h e Re/Searching)  Listen: t h i s m u s i c is a l l a b o u t water. The w o r d s this music  are the earth,  too  a n d the m u s i c this music  too  is water. (Bringhurst, 1995: 177)  So as the r e s e a r c h reaches t h a t f i n a l stage, the s h a r i n g w i t h the larger c o m m u n i t y , it i s time to re-visit the questions w i t h w h i c h the w o r k began, t o c o n s i d e r w h a t questions these questions have r a i s e d a n d how  these might, i n  t u r n , l e a d to a r e - t u r n i n g a n d a re-searching.  • What do teachers' stories tell us about the call of teaching?  I a s s u m e t h a t if there i s a "whatness" (177) to the p h e n o m e n o n of vocation, i t is present i n the a u t o b i o g r a p h i c a l n a r r a t i v e s w h i c h were collected a n d presented.  However, I d i d not a n d I w i l l not t r y to i m p o s e a n y s o r t of  H u s s e r l i a n b r a c k e t i n g to c u t t h r o u g h w h a t M a d e l e i n e G r u m e t c a l l s "the t h i c k , b i n d i n g u n d e r g r o w t h t h a t covers the g r o u n d of daily life" (1988: 5). In fact, I s u s p e c t t h a t s u c h weeding m i g h t provide w h a t c o u l d a p p e a r to be "a c l e a r path"  -157-  b u t w h i c h , u n d e r the surface, may be a m a s s of c o n v o l v u l u s w a i t i n g to be left alone i n order to strangle a n d destroy the entire garden of t h o u g h t s t h a t have b e e n s o w n i n the hope of b e a r i n g new fruit. Therefore, a l t h o u g h I have m a d e a d e t e r m i n e d effort to come to a better u n d e r s t a n d i n g of the p h e n o m e n o n of vocation, t h i s u n d e r s t a n d i n g h a s c h o s e n to r e m a i n h i d d e n w i t h i n a m u l t i p l i c i t y of i n t e r p r e t a t i o n s a l l of w h i c h are e m b o d i e d a n d context b o u n d .  T h e V o i c e of the A r t i s t i n At the Heart of It All says t h a t "the c a l l of t e a c h i n g i s l i k e a river. It i s a n u n f o l d i n g , a revealing, a story-telling t h a t alters a n d revises itself as i t i s told" (88). F r o m w h a t I have l e a r n e d i n t h i s r e s e a r c h a n d f r o m m y own experience, I w o u l d suggest t h a t like Morag's river, t h i s river c o n t i n u e s to flow b o t h ways. One way is the way of the calling; the other i s t h a t of the heeding. L i k e the source of a river,  the source of the c a l l of  t e a c h i n g i s n o t located i n a single site. It i s here a n d i t i s there. In the c h i l d r e n , i n their p a r e n t s a n d their grandparents. In the c o m m u n i t y a n d i n the e a r t h as she cries o u t for another way of o u r b e i n g i n creation. In o u r selves a n d o u r other selves. In the d i s c i p l i n e s i n w h i c h we work. J u s t as the w a t e r i n u s moves into the a i r a n d b a c k to the u n n a m e d m o u n t a i n s to b e c o m e a p a r t of a stream, a p a r t of the river t h a t comes d o w n to the sea, so the c a l l of t e a c h i n g i s b o t h i n s i d e a n d outside the teacher, always m o v i n g a n d changing.  46  It i s i n the excitement, i n the i n s e c u r i t y of n o t k n o w i n g w h a t i s  g o i n g to h a p p e n next.  -158-  T h e stories t h a t were s h a r e d suggest that, like J o n a h , m a n y t e a c h e r s do n o t h e a r t h e i r c a l l i n g to t e a c h i n g u n t i l they have gone off i n the w r o n g d i r e c t i o n and, b y c i r c u m s t a n c e s b e y o n d their control, have b e e n b r o u g h t u p short. S o m e f i n d themselves f r o m the b e g i n n i n g o n the right p a t h "by h a p p y accident." Others, like me, have h a d to enter a desert experience i n order to h e a r m o r e clearly, to see more clearly the way.  C a r l Leggo's poem, "Roads to Ninevah," describes the i m p o r t a n c e of c o m i n g to k n o w one's o w n gifts, of d e c l a r i n g w h o one i s a n d w h a t one h a s to share. W h e n U B C i n v i t e d me, I presented m y s e l f a poet w h o d i d n o t fit, n o line, a n d f o u n d a h o m e for poets w h e r e I w a s n o t even l o o k i n g (Leggo, 1996)  T h o s e w h o gave of themselves i n t h i s r e s e a r c h m a d e it clear t h a t the c a l l of t e a c h i n g is compelling; it is evocative a n d enigmatic. It c a u s e s u s to d i s p l a y o u r p a s s i o n s - for life, for art, for science, for w i s d o m , for f u n , a n d o u r c o m p a s s i o n - for those w h o are like u s a n d those w h o are u n l i k e us, for those w h o m we like a n d those w h o m we s i m p l y love.  T h a t t h e c a l l of t e a c h i n g is often lost i n the noise a n d busy-ness of the s c h o o l s y s t e m w a s also m a d e clear b y b o t h the p r a c t i s i n g a n d the retired teachers.  -159-  F u t u r e r e / s e a r c h i n g m i g h t w e l l focus o n t h i s aspect of teaching.  How  does drama help teachers to re-member and tell their stories?  T h o s e of u s w h o engage i n e m p i r i c a l  47  r e s e a r c h are always "concerned w i t h the  p r o b l e m of how we c a n capture a n d keep experience" (Donmoyer, 1995: 2). T h o s e of u s w h o choose a mytho-poetic methodology w o n d e r h o w we c a n set a n h e r m e n e u t i c circle i n m o t i o n a n d keep it m o v i n g i n a n aesthetically p l e a s i n g way.  48  M y challenge was to f i n d w a y s of b o t h evoking the experiences of  teachers a n d of e x p r e s s i n g the stories of those experiences i n a n a r t form.  The arts, a c c o r d i n g to E l l i o t E i s n e r , "are one of the m a j o r m e a n s people t h r o u g h o u t h i s t o r y have u s e d b o t h to conceptualize a n d express w h a t h a s b e e n i n e x p r e s s i b l e i n d i s c u r s i v e terms" (Eisner, 1979:  200). The d e c i s i o n to use  d r a m a as a way of re-membering the stories of teachers was b a s e d o n m y belief t h a t d r a m a h a s the power to free u s i n t e l l e c t u a l l y a n d e m o t i o n a l l y so t h a t it b e c o m e s p o s s i b l e to cross over f r o m one place to another, one time to another, one b o d y to another. T h o s e of u s w h o w a t c h e d as o u r colleague re-membered, i n o u r presence, u s i n g o u r bodies, the story of h a v i n g h e r m o u t h taped s h u t are forever c h a n g e d b y t h a t story. We became spect-actors a n d we entered a s y m b o l i c f o r m of e x p r e s s i o n t h a t is b e y o n d expression.  M u r r a y S c h a f e r says t h a t the first p u r p o s e of a r t i s exaltation.  -160-  The change t h a t o c c u r s w h e n we are lifted out of the tight little cages of o u r daily realities. To be h u r l e d b e y o n d o u r l i m i t s into the c o s m o s of m a g n i f i c e n t forces, to fly into the b e a m s of these forces a n d if we b l i n k , to have o u r eyes a n d ears a n d senses t r i p p e d o p e n against the mind's w i l l to the s e n s a t i o n a l a n d the m i r a c u l o u s . To feel these forces explode i n o u r faces, against o u r bodies, b r e a k i n g all e n c r u s t a t i o n s a n d releasing u s w i t h a w i l d fluttering of freedom...And if we r e t u r n to o u r daily routines, they are no longer routines, b u t scintillate a n d have become m a g n i f i c e n t b y o u r s e n s i n g t h e m w i t h fresh eyes a n d noses a n d m i n d s a n d bodies. (1991:  87)  D r a m a "is as m u l t i f a c e t e d i n its images, as a m b i v a l e n t i n its m e a n i n g s as the w o r l d it m i r r o r s . T h a t i s its m a i n strength..." (Esslin, 1976:118). (That I hope i s the s t r e n g t h of t h i s work.) D r a m a also h a s the a b i l i t y to c h a n g e u s b e c a u s e it m a k e s u s c o n s c i o u s t h a t we are forever w a l k i n g o n h o l y ground; d r a m a t a k e s u s out of ourselves a n d into o u r other selves. S o m e t i m e s those other selves are d i s t a n c e d f r o m u s i n time, as i n m e m o r i e s of o u r y o u t h or i n d r e a m s for the future, a n d other times, they are d i s t a n c e d f r o m u s i n space a n d experience, as i n those w i t h w h o m we share the u n i v e r s e b u t of w h o s e lives we have little u n d e r s t a n d i n g .  In t h i s research, d r a m a was u s e d as a way of h e l p i n g teachers to re-member, to give life a g a i n to the bodies of the p a s t a n d to e x a m i n e the w a y s i n w h i c h those experiences have formed t h e m as persons a n d as teachers. T h r o u g h these re-enactments,  those of u s who were seeing a n d hearing, a c t i n g or  -161-  spect-acting, l e a r n e d a b o u t the ones w h o s e stories were b e i n g t o l d and, at the s a m e time, we learned about ourselves.  A s w a s c o n f i r m e d i n the f i n a l interviews, the performance of the readers' theatre w a s a w a y of s h a r i n g the stories a n d of v a l u i n g those w h o s e experiences were a p a r t of the text. O n e of the teachers s p o k e of p u t t i n g the p l a y o n the e d u c a t i o n c h a n n e l . Then, she added, "It should training  to listen to people  be a required  who are teachers,  who  part  of every student  teachers'  have  been teachers."  If t h a t were to happen, I w o u l d t h i n k t h a t it w o u l d generate  some i n t e r e s t i n g d i s c u s s i o n a b o u t t e a c h i n g a n d a b o u t the c a l l of teaching.  There are thousands of falling leaves in the air And I am running to catch them in one hand. Finally, Ifall, And I find them to my  (Denton,  exhausted coming lap.  1972:  -162-  31)  The Eighth Rumination (Still M o r e  Questions)  My mind seems to go out on a path the width of a thread and of endless length, a thread that is the same color as the night. Out, out along the narrow highway sails my mind, driven by curiosity, luminous with acceptance, far and out, like a feathered hook whipped deep into the light above the stream by a magnificent cast. Somewhere, out of my reach, my control, the hook unbends itself into a spear, the spear shears itself into a needle, and the needle sews the world together. It sews skin onto the skeleton and lipstick on a lip, it sews Edith to her greasepaint ...it sews scarves to mountains, it goes through everything like a relentless bloodstream, and the tunnel is filled with a comforting message, a beautiful knowledge of unity. All the disparates of the world, the different wings of the paradox, coin-faces of problem, petal-pulling questions, scissor-shaped conscience, all the polarities, things and their images and things which cast no shadow, and just the everyday explosions in the street, this face and that, a house and a toothache, explosions which merely have different letters their names, my needle pierces it all, and I myself, my greedy fantasies, everything which has existed and does exist, we are part of a necklace of incomparable beauty and unmeaning.  Leonard  Cohen  (from Beautiful  in  Losers)  L i k e L e o n a r d Cohen's needle, t h e p e n s of b o t h t h e p h i l o s o p h e r a n d t h e poet h a v e t h e power to tell u s w h a t h a s m e a n i n g a n d w h a t h a s not, to r o m a n t i c i z e  -163-  the p a i n f u l p a r a d o x e s of life out of existence by s e w i n g t h e m together i n a b e a u t i f u l b u t artificial way.  Yet, the giving u p of the n e e d to u n d e r s t a n d the  w o r l d c a n destroy hope j u s t as s u r e l y as the desire to know, to be certain, to give specific m e a n i n g to things, c a n l e a d to acts of injustice. A c c o r d i n g to J a c q u e s Daignault, who  describes the p u r s u i t of knowledge as "a h u n t " w i t h  m u r d e r o u s i n t e n t (Daignault,  1992: 198) a n d the "abandonment of a n y  a t t e m p t to know" as a f o r m of suicide, there i s a need to f i n d a way  of d w e l l i n g  " i n the middle, i n spaces t h a t are n e i t h e r terroristic or(sic) n i h i l i s t i c " (Pinar, 1995: 481). It i s i n s u c h a m i d d l e place, a place of m a n y questions a n d of no easy answers, t h a t I have tried to situate myself as researcher.  The questions continue: W h a t w i l l h a p p e n w h e n the p l a y i s p r e s e n t e d i n a n o t h e r v e n u e ? w i t h a different cast? to a different a u d i e n c e ? for a different purpose? If the r e s p o n s e s are different or indifferent, does t h a t m e a n t h a t the w o r k i s less v a l u a b l e ? How  s h o u l d I take w h a t I have learned a n d apply i t to the n e x t project?  and  the n e x t ?  T h e r e i s a l w a y s the temptation to believe i n the p o s s i b i l i t y of r e t u r n i n g to the way we were, of getting b a c k to the garden. B u t Cronos  p u s h e s u s on. A l l  t h a t we c a n h o l d o n to i s the ability to r e m e m b e r w h a t h a s been,  to r e c a l l  (but not relive) the o l d meanings, to c a r r y the weight of the p a s t m e m o r i e s  -164-  w i t h u s i n t o the present, to t h a t place of possibilities between the p a s t a n d the future.  I k n o w s a d teachers they t e a c h w h a t they k n o w  I know sad teachers, everything. They refuse to think about  they  plan  teaching.  (Daignault, 1989: 129)  This opportunity because  deanette  this weekend said,"  Hey,  is playing, wanna  isn't it? A group of friends  come out and  got  together  play7'  T h e r e i s a n o l d S a n s k r i t word, lila, w h i c h m e a n s p l a y ... it m e a n s divine play, the p l a y of creation, d e s t r u c t i o n , re-creation, t h e folding a n d the u n f o l d i n g of the cosmos. Lila, free a n d deep, i s b o t h the delight a n d enjoyment of t h i s moment, a n d the p l a y of God. It also m e a n s love. (Nachmanovitch, 1991:1)  Hey guys, w a n n a come out a n d Play? M a y b e t h i s time we c a n tell stories a b o u t h o w we keep o u r sense of h u m o u r w h e n a l l a r o u n d u s others are l o s i n g theirs.  A s I reread the D o n m o y e r article, I a m s t r u c k b y the reference to a c e r t a i n b r e a k - t h r o u g h w h e r e i n researchers are "beginning to be t h o u g h t of as teachers"  -165-  (1995: 5). I w o n d e r w h e n teachers w i l l be t h o u g h t of as researchers, w h e n h e a r i n g o u r own voices, f i n d i n g a n d re-telling o u r own stories w i l l be seen as s o m e t h i n g other t h a n " 'too close' to the d a t a ", w h e n teacher r e s e a r c h w i l l c o n s t i t u t e " 'real' research" (Britsch, 1995: 298). I like to t h i n k of m y s e l f as b o t h teacher a n d researcher a n d I believe t h a t my t e a c h i n g colleagues have accepted m y d w e l l i n g i n two worlds, i n C h e l m a n d Chelm,  at the s a m e time.  B u t for some, the w i n d o w p a n e i s more t h a n a m u l t i t u d e of m o v i n g molecules. It i s seen as a s h u t t i n g out a n d a h e m m i n g i n a n d I, l i k e L o r n a Crozier's moth, w i l l r e m a i n forever o n the outside b e a t i n g o n the glass.  The m o t h beats o n the glass softly as the heartbeats of a b i r d w r a p p e d i n wool. S u c h a sad sound, this faint, d u s t y d r u m m i n g , h e a r d only b y the smallest, the m o s t invisible of ears. (Crozier, 1994,  In l e a v i n g m y classroom, my c o m m u n i t y , student,  p. 136)  i n r e t u r n i n g to the a c a d e m y as a  I t r i e d to be less "submissive a n d compliant" (Grumet, 1988:  155),  less "subjected to the w i l l a n d dictates of the c o n t r o l l i n g powers" (Huebner, 1972:  126). I tried to r e c l a i m the right to s p e a k my own language - the  language often lost i n the w o r l d of the a c a d e m y , the language of the teacher. Sometimes, though, I felt very m u c h like the poor little m o t h b e a t i n g h e r w i n g s a g a i n s t the glass.  Now  I w o n d e r i f I have allowed m y s e l f to be c a u g h t u p  -166-  i n t h e frenzy of the struggle. Have I forgotten t h a t I have a l w a y s g a i n e d the greatest satisfaction i n my freedom to act, to dance, to s i n g - or even to w e e d m y g a r d e n ? A n d w h e n a l l of t h i s fluttering i s over, I w o n d e r if a n y o n e w i l l h e a r m y faint a n d d u s t y d r u m m i n g .  -167-  Reprise  T h e w o r k b e g a n as a s t u d y of "marrow bone teaching", a t e r m t h a t I created as a r e s u l t of h a v i n g r e a d W i l l i a m B u t l e r Yeats' p o e m " A P r a y e r for O l d Age". I t h i n k t h a t it i s a p p r o p r i a t e t h a t it e n d as it began.  Qodguard me from those, thoughts men think\ In the mind alone; (S)he that sings a tasting song Thinks in a marrow bone. from "A Trayerfor OldtAge" 6y 'William (Butler Jeats  Indeed a s I move nearer to t h a t p a r t of m y life w h e n Cronos w o u l d have me c a l l e d old, as m y b o d y s p e a k s to me i n a l o u d e r voice t h a n she once did, I f i n d t h a t m y w a y of u n d e r s t a n d i n g the w o r l d is more a n d m o r e i n a n d t h r o u g h  my  b o n e s a n d j u s t as the very n a t u r e of those bones changes f r o m m o m e n t to moment, so m y u n d e r s t a n d i n g is c o n s t a n t l y altered b y the w a y i n w h i c h I interpret t h e world, the w a y i n w h i c h the w o r l d interprets me.  Such a  r e a l i z a t i o n calls for b o t h h u m i l i t y a n d a sense of h u m o u r a n d so it i s i n a t r u l y h u m i c w a y t h a t I have endeavoured to describe the w o r k t h a t I have done.  -168-  Notes  1  Acheron and Styx are the rivers over which the souls of the deceased are ferried. In Greek mythology, Charon, the son of Erebus and Nyx, is the boatman. However, in the Odyssey, Hermes, the son of Zeus and Maia, is said to be the guide. The connections of Hermes to this work seem myriad. The name, Hermes, is derived from the Greek word for heap of stones used to indicate a boundary or important site (much in the same way as the Celts used stones). Stones are also used in many cultures as symbols for ancient wisdom and the fact that Hermes was associated with the sacred number four makes this connection all the more intriguing. It is also interesting to note, considering this work has been introduced as a series of ruminations and as a searching for the bull, that Hermes was associated with the protection of cattle. He was also dream god, a protector of travellers and of rogues, god of roads and doorways, a patron of music and the bearer of the caduceus; all attributes which find places of connection to the text of this paper.  2  One metaphor that Zen Buddhism has borrowed from Taoism is that of the bull as the image of the eternal principle of life, truth in action. Since I had already decided to use the term rumination rather than meditation, it seemed fitting that I include this first of the ten bulls of the twelfth century Chinese master, Kakuan.  3  Ruah in Hebrew means wind. The word is used to describe the breath of God, the source of divine wisdom.  4  e*pis*te*mol*ogy- a theory of the nature of knowledge [ from Greek episteme knowledge, understanding from epistanai - epi upon + standi, to stand + logos word]. meth»od»ol»o»gy - the practice of the epistemology [from Greek meta with+ hodos way + logos word] James Macdonald suggests that there are three types of methodology science, critical theory and mytho-poetics (Macdonald, 1988: 108). According to Macdonald, all three engage in hermeneutics, in a going between theory and practice, but, dependent upon its specific epistemological foundation, each works within what Maxine Greene would describe as a "different landscape." While my work carries the traces of critical theory, its foreground speaks in the language of myth and of poetry.  5  A conference held in Amsterdam in 1990 (Art Meets Science and Spirituality in a Changing Economy] provided a meeting place for artists such as John Cage and Robert Rauschenberg, scientists including Ilya Prigogine and David Bohm and spiritual leaders such as Huston Smith and the Dalai Lama.  6  Hildegard of Bingen "the gifted poet, composer, artist and biologist of twelfth-century Rhineland, coined the term viriditas" to describe a way of understanding the world. Vtriditas, like Doll's erotic knowing, is "green and juicy, warm and moist, rather than cold and dried up" (Spretnak, 1991:87).  7  The Aristotelian view was that theoretical/scientific knowledge (theoria), practical/political knowledge {praxis) and productive/creative knowledge (poesis) led to the attainment of truth through rational intuition (nous), understanding through reason (episteme), art/skill (techne) and prudence (phronesis).  8  In his final talk, delivered two hours before his death, Thomas Merton is quoted by Matthew Fox as having said, "The whole idea of compassion is based on a keen  -169-  awareness of the interdependence of all those living beings, which are all part of one another and all involved in one another" (1990: iii). This is the most concise statement of the worldview on which this paper rests that I can provide. 9  Derrida claims that "JI n'y a pas de hors-texte" ; there is no outside text; all "reality is constituted in intertextuality" (Pinar, 1995: 466).  10  A favorite sketch done by the 60's British comedy team, Beyond the Fringe, was entitled "I'd Rather Have Been a Judge Than a Miner." As I considered the Freudian aspects of a phenomenological study, I thought of the work as a form of mining, a digging through the sediments of self which are the accumulations of experience that constitute that part of the self which we imagine we can know and which must be mined to free the ego from what has been hidden, what has been repressed or suppressed by time and by guilt imposed by the super-ego. Dancing to the kithara of Hermes seemed to me to be much more appealing than either going down into the mines or sitting in the guild hall.  11  The first conception of time, kairos, bears a sense of the continuity of past, present and future while the second, Cronus, carries the ability of its namesake, the Titan son of Uranus and Gsea, to frighten us by the tolling of bells and to devour us with such notions as "time is money."  12  During the course of my research, I found myself blessed by being ordained as a deacon in the Anglican Church of Canada. The symbol of the diaconate, the servant ministry, is a stole which is worn diagonally from the left shoulder to therighthip - very much as I envision the hyphen to be if it were to be turned on its side.  13  Carl Leggo writes: " As a writer in school I learned to fear the teacher's red pencil like a whip, a rod of fire, that left red welts and bloody wounds, marks of shame..." (1994: 1). Which of us, regardless of the kindness of our intent, is free from this guilt?  14  This phrase is one that was given to me by Solomon Agbenya, a student-teacher who was in a language education course that I taught in 1993. I can think of no better description for such stories and I am grateful to Solomon for having shared this understanding.  15  William Pinar's method of currere has four stages or movements. The first, the regressive, draws on stories of the past; the second, the progressive, moves into visions of the future; the third, the analytical, is the interpretive stage; and the fourth, the synthetic, is the bringing together of past and the future in the present [Pinar, 1994].  16  Groome's method draws on the Aristotelian notion of praxis as the "twin moments" of action and reflection but includes the two other dimensions which are superimposed on this dialectic process - that of engagement with theory as text and that of interaction with others. As Groome has designed the process, there are three constitutive components and five movements. These components include the participatory nature of the process, the interconnectedness of its active, reflective and creative aspects, and the centrality of story and vision within the whole structure. The five movements of the shared praxis method are: a naming and expressing of present action (Groome, 1991: 175-186), a critical reflection on present action (187-214), a retrieval of story and vision from selected text (215-248), a dialectical hermeneutic snaring of participants' stories and visions as they play with or against the text (249 - 265) and a personal response (266-293).  -170-  17  Gerald Bruns discusses Alcibiades' description of Socratic truth as a kind of snakebite (Bruns, 1992: 240. The connections here are again interesting. Hermes rests as the heap of stones within which lurk the snakes, who have already invaded this paper and, who might, at any moment, envenom the writer or the reader with Truth.  18  con«ver*sa*tion - a close association with others (from Middle English conversen, to dwell, associate with, from Old French converser, from Latin conversari, to associate with: com - with + versari - to live, occupy oneself.  19  Penelope is known for the devious means by which she remains faithful to Odysseus and, while she is only one of many who are said to have been the mother of Pan, there remains the possibility that even this most constant of wives is seduced by Hermes.  20  I believe that while Professor Fenstermacher is valuing teacher knowledge, he is placing it on a lower plane than formal academic knowledge.  21  We have been duly warned by many contemporary scholars of traces of alchemy and Hermetic enchantment present in language itself. See, for example, Carl Leggo's discussion of the etymology of grammar (Leggo, 1994: 2).  22  The term mysterium refers to divine truth. This form of wisdom cannot be attained through human reason and human desire alone; rather, it is revealed in God's time and by God's grace. In his amusement with Derrida's rejection of the concept of mysterium, Robert Magliola suggests that because the word is rooted in the Greek muein ("to close the eyes and/or mouth"), it carries with it an opting out of the "'vision' and 'voice' (of) logocentrism" (Magliola, 1984: 219). One must go beyond words to unfold the mystery ; one must listen to the beckoning of the loon; feel, without touching, the petals of a rose; respond in the fullness of grace to the one who seems least deserving.  23  Carl Leggo describes an etymological digging that unearthed the roots of grammar in gramarye, an archaic word which he says means "magic, occult knowledge, alchemy, necromancy, enchantment" (Leggo, 1994: 2). Anyone who has tried to learn or to teach the rules of grammar should not be surprised at this kinship.  24  This selection is an adaptation of a piece about thinking together. The original work was written by Ted Aoki.  25  I confess that there is an irony here in that, on the one hand, I am expressing an obligation to those whose stories I am taking and sharing, and, on the other hand, I am admitting that I am working within the deconstructive mode of radical hermeneutics. Neverthless, I believe that were I to pretend that the message-bearer is capable of delivering the message exactly as it has been seen to be sent, then I would be deceiving myself, my colleagues, my readers and the institution in whose name I am doing this research.  26  rhi'zome - underground rootlike stems which produce roots and shoots from the Latin rhizoma, a mass of roots, from the Greek rhizoma, roots of a tree, rhizousthai, to take root, from rhiza, root.1 I have often wondered when and where and who has given a new meaning to this word. What circumstances have denied the roots and valorized the stem?  -171-  f  As a gardener, I think that the qualities of convolvulus express Deleuze's intention more clearly. con»vol»vu»lus - bindweed from [Latin convolvere, to interweave] Certainly, if I were looking for a botanical "war machine" (Deleuze and Parnet, 1987, xi), for a way to subvert authority by becoming devious, disruptive, deceitful and downright impossible to live with, I would choose the bindweed and the morning glory over the strawberry and the woody nightshade, over the cypress and the cedar. 27  We seem to have forgotten the root word of our recording. record - to remember [from Latin recordis, to pass back through the heart]  28  See, for example, the text which is described as readers' theatre and which is included in the article entitled "Collaboration in Dialogue: Teachers and Researchers Engaged in Conversation and Professional Development" in the Spring, 1996 edition of American Educational Research Journal.  29  Displacement is not disappearance. I offer two examples which might help the reader to understand this concept more clearly. The first is to be found in the practice of Tai Chi as a martial art. The individual practitioner learns how to protect the self by displacing the self. Rather than trying to match the strength of an attacker with one's own strength, one simply matches strength with an absence of strength. The opponent's power is thus drawn into a sort of reservoir, where it multiplies and from which it returns like a boomerang to ward off the attack. The second example is that of a kaleidoscope. The beauty of the ever- shifting patterns would be reduced if any one of the bits of glass were to disappear. At the same time, in order to allow the fullness of the patterns to emerge each bit must allow itself to be displaced by others in the constant shifting.  30  in»ter»view - a conversation between [from Old French entrevue, entre + voir from Latin videre , to see each other]. I find it very interesting that so much emphasis is placed upon what is spoken and what is heard in the interview and much of what is seen is overlooked.  31  The name given to the international choral festival which is held in this community every two years in the Klah ah men language means a gathering of people from different places. As I see my work, it was as much about the gathering of the people - at the retreat, in my home to rehearse, at the Oceanview Commons to perform - as it was about the gathering of their stories.  32  It is important to note that the play has now been presented to another audience far removed from the people and the place in which it was created. The responses of the audience at the 1996 JCT Conference were similar to those at the first performance.  33  Scheurich says that "some of what occurs in an interview is verbal. Some is non-verbal. Some only occurs within the mind of each participant... but it may affect the entire interview" (1995: 244).  34  a»gree»ment - to come into or be in accord; to correspond [from Middle English agreen from Old French agreer from Vulgar Latin aggratare to be pleasing to, to be beloved by]  35  It was Terry Carson who first introduced me to the use of the commonplace book as a  -172-  strategy to be used in teacher education. Since that time Dennis Sumara, Pat Clifford, Sharon Friesen, Kim Hackman and Marian Hood have helped me to learn a great deal more about this method of engaging with text. 36  Another JCT presentation by Dennis Sumara was also instrumental in this decision. (See the fall, 1995 edition of English Quarterly, in which Sumara discusses the use of commonplace books and photographs as "collecting places" for memories.]  37  By the time that I was ready to write the play, I had transcripts of interviews, letters, poems, stories, drawings as well as entries from my own and from others' journals.  38  According to Marcuse, the world of art is the world of contradiction (Marcuse, 1977:10)  39  With the exception of one of my colleagues who wondered about the possibility of setting the play in a staff room with specific stereotypical teachers, all who participated in the retreat and all whose stories were shared were very supportive of this decision.  40  Two very powerful pieces of Readers' Theatre were presented at the 1996 Journal of Curriculum Theorizing Conference. One, Landscapes oj Loss: LessonsfromTHE OWL, examines the experiences of four Alberta teachers using the commonplace book method of teaching Margaret Craven's novel, I Heard the Owl Call my Name. The other, Boundary Riders and Border Crossings, presents stories of three pre-tenured teachers. Both works are written and performed by those whose stories are being told; both works were very well-received by the audience. However, my experience in writing, directing, watching and, later, performing in At the Heart of it All confirms my belief that there is much to be gained by watching and listening as someone else re-enacts your story.  41  The performance of the play as it was presented to the 1996 Journal of Curriculum Theorizing Conference was different from the original in that there was a different setting, a different cast and a very different audience. Instead of ten actors reading the ten voices, five actors presented the entire script. Two of the actors were participants in the study but the others were not involved in the research in any way. The only major change that I noted in the audience response was that there was more laughter perhaps a sign of a deeper understanding, perhaps a greater identification with some of the views expressed or maybe just a greater willingness to respond openly.  42  I think, for example, of the conditions which allowed me to move beyond the fear of sharing the story of the snake and I see similarities to those provided for the teacher who, through the use of drama, was able to move beyond the silence which had withheld her story of the taping of her mouth shut.  43  When excerpts from At the Heart of It AU. were presented at the Curriculum as Narrative/Narrative as Curriculum Conference at the University of British Columbia in May, 1995, one teacher-educator asked for permission to use the script in her classes. It was her intention to have the students do a reading of the work and then to discuss it. I am still awaiting a report on their responses.  44  One such dramatic presentation of student stories was given at the recent Curriculum as Narrative/Narrative as Curriculum Conference at the University of British Columbia by Lynn Fels and a group of junior secondary students.  45  csedere [Latin, to cut off] caesura - to pause  46  Like Heracleitus' river.  -173-  47  I am aware that this work in which I am engaged would not usually be described as an empirical study but I reclaim empeiros. 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However, surveys where sample s e l e c t i o n i s not on the basis of information held i n confidence by a t h i r d party (see below), I n i t i a l telephone contact may be allowed. I f your study Involves such contact, you must also complete page 8 i n addition to pages 1 to 6 of the Request for Ethical Review form.  * copies tstgned o r i g i n a l plus 3 xerox copies} complete protocol form containing a l l attachments'-must be submitted to the O f f i c e of .Research Services,' * n 323,'jftc Bldg.' . ' - . \  Any project (research or other studies) c a r r i e d out by a person connected with the university which involves human subjects i n one of the above a c t i v i t i e s must be reviewed and approved by the Behavioural Sciences Screening Committee before work i s started.  Submissions oust be made on the attached Request f o r Ethical Review form. Because t h i s form i s designed to deal with a range of possible projects across the whole of the s o c i a l sciences, not every question i s applicable to every project. Applicants should simply enter 'N/A' when t h i s s i t u a t i o n occurs.  Help with any aspect of the submission may be obtained from Richard Spratley (822-8595) or S h i r l e y Thompson (8228584) i n the Office of Research Services; from the Conmittee Chairman, Richard Johnston (822-5456); o r from a member of the committee.  Certain categories of projects only need a short submission. This i s done by completing pages 1 and 2 of the pink form and attaching copies of questionnaires or interview schedules. These categories are l i s t e d i n the checklist on page 1 of the form. I f you have any doubts about whether or not your project f i t s one of these categories, c a l l Richard Spratley or S h i r l e y Thompson for assistance.  The turn-around time i s generally between 3 and 4 weeks. Complete submissions, of course, move most q u i c k l y through the system. To help you make sure that every needed item i s included, two pages of c h e c k l i s t s are included at the end of the form. Please take care that every item i n every applicable checklist i s dealt with. "fOECEPHOK  ~  ^^^^  If your study involves deception, you must complete page 7 i n addition to pages 1 to 6 of the Request f o r Ethical Review form.  Class projects which involve human subjects do not require individual review, however each instructor i s required to submit annually f o r each course a form which summarizes the instructions given to the class. For further d e t a i l s , contact Shirley Thompson.  When subjects' names must be obtained from a t h i r d party who i s obligated to maintain the c o n f i d e n t i a l i t y of their relationship ( i . e . the physician/patient relationship), the t h i r d party must ask the subjects f o r permission to release t h e i r names t o the researcher. This may also be done by asking the t h i r d party to d i s t r i b u t e an introductory l e t t e r describing the study, with d e t a i l s on how to contact the researcher i f they are interested i n participating. Details of how t h i r d party recruitment w i l l be accomplished and copies of any l e t t e r s sent to either the t h i r d party or to the subject v i a the third party must be provided. I f the researcher already has some form of contact with the subject ( i . e . a nurse's contact with a patient) the circumstances of that contact must be f u l l y described.  MJKTSRriitwoaovALr^^r 1) Written proof of agency consent i s required f o r projects carried out at other Institutions. When agency approval cannot be obtained without prior approval by the UBC Committee, (as i n the case of The Vancouver School Board), a l e t t e r of conditional approval w i l l be issued for submission to the agency i f a l l other aspects of the protocol are s a t i s f a c t o r y . Applications should be submitted concurrently t o the U8C Committee and the agency. 2) Projects which require e t h i c a l review i n order to obtain research grant funds with which to develop a questionnaire, survey or interview may receive conditional approval with the understanding that any part of the project dealing with human subjects cannot commence u n t i l the committee has formally approved a f i n a l protocol. Provide as much d e t a i l as possible on the preliminary Request f o r Ethical Review making i t clear that conditional approval Is being sought.  wmszsmmmm^™  _.  Committee Members are chosen from appropriate d i s c i p l i n e s . Names of current members may be obtained from Shirley Thompson. revised 27 May 1992  •Detach and retain these instructions  - 192 -  page 2 12  Summary of methodology and procedures. (Must be typewritten i n t h i s space). deception, you oust also complete page 7, the "Deception Form".  School D i s t r i c t  #47  NOTE I f your study involves  (Powell River) has been s e l e c t e d as the s i t e f o r t h i s p r o j e c t .  Five or s i x r e t i r e d teachers and f i v e or s i x p u b l i c school teachers who  view  themselves as having a vocation to teaching w i l l p a r t i c i p a t e i n the study. of the p a r t i c i p a n t s w i l l be  All  self-selected.  P r i o r to the end of the 1994-95 school year, P r o f e s s i o n a l Development Co-Ordinator  contact w i l l be made with the  of the Powell River D i s t r i c t  Teachers'  A s s o c i a t i o n and with the President of the R e t i r e d Teachers' A s s o c i a t i o n . Upon t h e i r recommendations, l e t t e r s of i n v i t a t i o n w i l l be sent to twenty p o s s i b l e candidates. Following t h i s i n i t i a l contact, those who  express an i n t e r e s t w i l l  be interviewed to confirm both t h e i r sense of v o c a t i o n and t h e i r w i l l i n g n e s s to p a r t i c i p a t e i n the research p r o j e c t . Late i n June, 1995,  the p a r t i c i p a n t s w i l l be i n v i t e d to attend a two-day r e t r e a t .  During t h i s time, those 'involved i n the study w i l l engage, f i r s t of a l l , i n a s e r i e s of discussions and, secondly, i n a u t o b i o g r a p h i c a l w r i t i n g based on responses to s e l e c t e d readings r e l a t e d to teaching as? a v o c a t i o n . The w r i t i n g generated  during the r e t r e a t and o f f e r e d f o r use i n the research w i l l  be augmented by data gathered i n i n d i v i d u a l interviews which are to be conducted e a r l y i n the 1995-96 school year. A l l of the data which w i l l have been c o l l e c t e d are to be used as resource m a t e r i a l for the w r i t i n g of the drama. In September, 1996,  the p a r t i c i p a n t s i n the study w i l l be i n v i t e d to attend a  performance ot the drama. A f i n a l interview w i l l provide the opportunity f o r the p a r t i c i p a n t s to respond to the  DESCRIPTION OF POPULATION  drama and to comment on i t s consistency with the autobiographical data.  13  14  Now many subjects w i l l be used? How many i n the control group?  10-12 N/A-  Who i s being recruited and what are the c r i t e r i a f o r t h e i r selection?  Active and r e t i r e d members of the Powell River D i s t r i c t  Teachers' A s s o c i a t i o n  w i l l be r e c r u i t e d . The c r i t e r i a f o r s e l c t i o n w i l l be the i n d i v i d u a l  teacher's  sense of a vocation to teaching and a w i l l i n g n e s s to p a r t i c i p a t e i n the study  - 194-  page 3 15  What subjects w i l l be excluded from participation? T h o s e who do n o t meet the  16  excluded.  How are the subjects being recruited? ( I f i n i t i a l contact i s by l e t t e r or i f a recruitment notice i s to be posted, attach a copy.) NOTE that UBC p o l i c y discourages i n i t i a l contact by telephone. However, surveys which use random d i g i t d i a l i n g may be allowed. I f your study involves such contact, you must also complete page 8, the "Telephone Contact form".  Initial  17  a b o v e c r i t e r i a w i l l be  contact  w i l l be by l e t t e r .  (Attached)  If a control group i s involved, and i f t h e i r selection and/or recruitment d i f f e r s from the above, provide d e t a i l s .  N/A  PROJECT DETAILS 18  Where w i l l the project be conducted? S c h o o l D i s t r i c t #47  19  (Powell  River)  Who w i l l actually conduct the study and what are t h e i r qualifications? Mrs.  20  (room or area)  Jeanette Scott,  a d o c t o r a l student  i n CSCI  W i l l the group of subjects have any problems giving informed consent on t h e i r own behalf7 mental condition, age, language, or other b a r r i e r s . No  21  -  Consider physical or  -  If the subjects are not competent to give f u l l y informed consent, who w i l l consent on t h e i r behalf?  N/A  22  What Is known about the risks and benefits of the proposed research?  Do you have additional opinions on t h i s  i ssue? The  p r o p o s e d r e s e a r c h p r o j e c t w i l l have no r i s k s a s s o c i a t e d  g r a p h i c a l m a t e r i a l used w i l l b e s e l f - s e l e c t e d Original the  transcripts  drama.  from t h e  A l l names o f  interviews  persons  and s i t e s  with  w i l l be used o n l y as that  pseudonyms.  - 195 -  it.  and w i l l be s u b m i t t e d  Any a u t o b i o anonymously.  source m a t e r i a l  a r e m e n t i o n e d w i l l be r e p l a c e d  for with  page 3A  22. (cont.)  I t i s anticipated that the p a r t i c i p a n t s w i l l b e n e f i t from the  opportunity to r e f l e c t on t h e i r response to a c a l l to teaching, on t h e i r shared experiences and on the way i n which these experiences come to l i f e i n the drama.  page 4A 25. (cont.)  Those who choose to attend the r e t r e a t w i l l dedicate an a d d i t i o n a l  ten or more hours. Attendance at the performance  of the dramatic composition and the subsequent  inteview w i l l take an additional two hours.  - 196 -  APPENDIX D SAMPLE INTERVIEW QUESTIONS A Study of T e a c h i n g as a Vocation  T h e following are sample questions which w i l l be asked in each of the interviews: Initial Screening Interview 1. What do you enjoy most about teaching? 2. W h a t do you enjoy least about teaching? 3. W h y did you choose to become a teacher? 4. If y o u had the choice now, what career w o u l d you choose? 5. Have you ever kept a journal or done any autobiographical writing'? 6. T o what extent are you w i l l i n g to share your teaching experiences w i t h others?  Final Interview 1. C o u l d you give me your impressions of the drama that was presented? 2. T o what extent was the work representative of your teaching experience? 3. In what way(s) did the drama change what was written and what was shared in the discussions? 4. W o u l d you want other people to see a performance of this w o r k ? 5. What role do you believe experienced teachers should play in h e l p i n g others to learn more about teaching?  - 199 -  APPENDIX E  APPLICATION FOR L O C A L PROFESSIONAL D E V E L O P M E N T ACTIVITY SCHOOL DISTRICT #47 (POWELL RIVER)  Name of Group: Teachers' Collaborative Research Group Title of Project: A Study of Teaching as a Vocation Date of Project: September, 1995 - June, 1996 Description of Project: The objectives are: • to work in collaboration with colleagues to gather autobiographical writing about teaching as a vocation • to use the data to create a dramatic composition • to study our responses to the drama as it is presented in the form of Readers' Theatre • to interpret the process and the responses as they relate to teacher education The methodology and procedures: Seven teachers, one elementary administrator, three retired teachers and one university professor will participate in the study. On October 20 and 21, a retreat will be held at Herondell. During that time, those involved in the study will engage, first of all, in a series of discussions and, secondly, in autobiographical writing based on responses to selected readings relating to teaching as a vocation. This writing will be used as resource material in the writing of the drama which will be produced in the spring of 1996. Projected Expenditures: Food - $200.00 Paper and xeroxing: $30.00 Audio Tapes: $15.00 Miscellaneous: $15.00  - 200 -  THE  UNIVERSITY  OF  BRITISH  C O L U M B I A  APPENDIX H  CONSENT F O R M Teaching as a Vocation  A s a participant in this study of teaching as a vocation, I understand that I will be invited to participate in a two-day retreat. D u r i n g that time I w i l l be engaged in discussions with colleagues and in autobiographical writing about my own teaching experiences. If I choose to offer my autobiographical writing to the researcher, I understand that the names of persons and places w i l l be replaced with pseudonyms. I am also aware that information w h i c h I share through my writing or in interview with the researcher may be incorporated in the drama w h i c h is to be written about teaching as a vocation. In addition, I am prepared to offer a critical interpretation of the drama following the performance. On the understanding that only the researcher w i l l have access to the data which I provide and that my name w i l l not be revealed at any time, I hereby consent to participate in A Study of the Lived Experiences of Teachers with a Sense of Vocation to Teaching. I understand that I may withdraw this consent at any time without penalty.  N a m e (Please Print)  Signature  Date  I hereby acknowledge receipt of a copy of this consent form.  Signature  Date  Questions about this project should be directed to Dr. Carl Leggo in the Department of Language Education . Office telephone number: 822-4640.  - 203 -  T H E  APPENDIX I U N I V E R S I T Y O F BRITISH  C O L U M B I A  Personal C o m m u n i c a t i o n .  Department of Language Education 2125 Main Mall Vancouver, B . C . Canada V 6 T 1Z4 Tel: (604) 822-5788 Fax: (604) 822-3154 Courier Address: 2034 Lr. Mall Road U B C , Vancouver, B . C . Canada V 6 T 1Z2  7/V  /5,  ~7-fc ,  a  /  11*5 C]  tan tiu  V-/  Ax  1/ 1 6k  6U  7:  A /  c  / V  - 204 -  2<3  <7  JEANETTE, I HAVE WRITTEN THESE NOTES IN RESPONSE TO YOUR QUESTIONS AS IF I WAS TALKING TO YOU IN AN INTERVIEW: WHAT DO I EN JOY MOST ABOUT TEACHING? I most enjoy working with people, or perhaps what I really most enjoy is working with people who are working with words. I enjoy working with wordsmiths. As a teacher I have played many roles-counsellor, janitor, bus driver, basketball coach, friend, etc. But I do not want to return to most of those roles. I am happiest in my current life of teaching, where I seek to treat people like human beings, the way I want others to treat me. As a teacher I think I am on a journey, a journey of becoming, and I like participating with others in their journeys.  WHA TDOI ENJOY LEAST ABOUT TEACHING? I least enjoy evaluating and assessing and grading students' accomplishments. I have been terribly wounded by the evaluations of my teachers, and I see only injustice and waste and damage done in most teacher evaluations. Evaluation is typically done in order to achieve some imaginary standards or comparisons, to please parents, to stamp most people with a mark of failure. Teachers use grades to cajole and trick and bribe students, and learning ought to be enjoyed and engaged in because people love to learn.  WHY DID I CHOOSE TO BECOME A TEACHER? I do not really think I chose to become a teacher. In grade 11 my principal suggested that I ought to become a teacher, and I told him NO WAY. The last thing in the world I wanted to be was a teacher. I wanted to be an astronomer, or a lawyer, or a politician, anything but a teacher. I only decided to take the B.Ed, degree after I had completed the B.A. in English and then four semesters of an M.A. in English. While studying for the M. A, I experienced a personal spiritual revolution which opened up new adventures. I started thinking that I would like to be a pastor or minister. But by now I was financially broke. I had been married for almost two years. I no longer cared about the M.A. thesis I was writing. I needed a job and some money in order to make plans for the future. So, I completed the B.Ed, from January to August, 1976. It was not easy to squeeze all the courses into the eight month period, but I succeeded. The degree was fun. I began teaching in Robert's Arm, Newfoundland in September, 1976. My wife Lana started teaching in the same school, too. In my first year I taught forty-eight students in grade seven. I don't think I was a very good teacher. The first month was hellish. Very noisy. I felt like I was lost in a strange world. I was. But the strangeness of my new world was not the strangeness of the classroom world. I was teaching in a school operated by the Pentecostal church—fundamentalist and rule-governed and strict. I was about twenty-three years old. I felt like I had dropped into an alien world. But in some ways it did not matter because I planned to go back to university and train for the ministry. Lana and I saved our money and left Robert's Arm after two years. I was never at home in Robert's Arm. I was  - 205 -  eager to leave. I recall on the second last day in Robert's Arm, I said to Lana, I am so glad to be leaving. I don't ever want to come back. She replied, Oh, our time here has been good. Later that evening my grade seven students surprised me with a party in the school gymnasium. I was reminded that though I was running away from teaching (or at least felt like I was), I had made an impact in my students' lives that I did not really know or understand. I had moved through their lives with a certain.kind of eagerness to please them, to serve them, to be good for them (I do not know where that motivation comes from), and I had been good for them (for some of them at least) without even knowing how. I left Robert's Arm and went to Toronto to study for the ministry. Lana was pregnant. I did not fit well in the conservative world of the seminary. I'm not sure what I mean by not fitting well. I tried to be like all the people I saw around me, but I always felt very uncomfortable. Once again in an alien place. Once again I felt like I was not brave enough to speak in my own voices. I was not reckless enough to express the unpopular views. After two months in the seminary, I knew I did not want to be a pastor. I was afraid a pastor had to be pasteurized. I didn't want that. I wanted to be impure, rough, germy, germinating. So, I decided to complete a one-year certificate designed for people who planned to work in a profession other than the full-time ministry. I applied to my old school board for a job. I was offered a position in Stephenville. I stayed there six years. They were the unhappiest years of my life. Even a decade later, I can hardly say the word "Stephenville" without feeling nausea. When I first moved to Stephenville with Lana and our daughter Anna (born in Toronto in May, just two weeks before we returned to Newfoundland), I planned to settle down in Stephenville. Lana and I had dreamed for several years about a Harrowsmith kind of rural life, and Stephenville offered the perfect opportunity—a town with recreational and cultural amenities, lots of inexpensive agricultural land on the ocean, only fifty miles away from our home-town, etc. Stephenville was a place we could settle down in. We were wrong. I could not fit into the Pentecostal world, and since I was teaching in a Pentecostal school, I was expected to fit in. I could not, or would not—I certainly did not. I got into trouble. I worked with a principal that I tried to support, but he was an incompetent person, and I now wish I had fought him. Anyway after about three years which were largely spent enjoying my daughter and anticipating the birth of my son, I started planning to leave, to pursue more studies. It took three more years before I had enough money. I took a leave of absence and went to the University of New Brunswick to study for the M . A . in Creative Writing. I enjoyed the studies so much, I quit my teaching job, and completed a second master's before moving to the University of Alberta to study for the Ph.D. With the Ph.D. competed, I tried to find a job in Atlantic Canada, and I finally, somewhat desperately, accepted a job in my old high school. After almost two decades from the time my high school principal suggested that I become a teacher, I returned to that school as a teacher. I did not want to be there. In fact one of the last places in the world I wanted to be was in that school. I was not happy. All my dreams for an academic career began to dissipate. I felt trapped. And yet I worked hard to be a good teacher. I prepared diligently for my classes. I cared about my students. I sponsored several extra-  - 206-  curricular groups and coached several people for public speaking competitions. I was well-liked by my students. I smiled and laughed a lot. But I felt trapped and unhappy. I applied for a job at the University of British Columbia. I was invited for an interview. I agonized about the interview. How should I present myself? I wanted the job, but I did not want to present myself in some kind of false way (which is the way I think I presented myself in my school teaching jobs). So, I presented myself as a poet, and U B C accepted me. And in the Department of Language Education I have found a home where I live with more truth than I have ever known. So, what does all this mean for my calling? I did not choose to be a teacher. Teaching chose me. Not only did teaching choose me, but teaching would not let me go. In many ways I do not think I am a good teacher. I don't even know what teaching is. I just want to invite people to grow in ways that they can take pleasure in. I taught high school for nine years. Amazing! Especially considering that for no more than three of those years did I have any intention of staying in teaching. And here I am now at almost forty-two, and I have never done anything but teach, and I expect to be a teacher all my life. How odd! I did not choose teaching; teaching chose me. I have not consciously called out to teaching, but the call of teaching has been like a Siren that cannot be denied.  IF I COULD CHOOSE NOW, WHAT CAREER WOULD I CHOOSE? If I could choose any career, I would choose a career as a full-time writer. I would still be a teacher, of course. Writers are always teachers. But as a teacher I am too constrained by the boundaries of time and space~I have limited energy and I am seldom available to many of the people who want to see me and I am always tired. I need spaces of sabbath, and when I am writing I find those spaces because the writing is born out of those spaces only. If I could write full-time, I think I would write some significant books, significant in that the books would encourage people by reminding them that they are wonderfully creative. Those are the kinds of books I want to write.  WHAT IS TEACHING? Teaching is teasing, taxing, taking, reaching, searching, arching, hearing, speaking, seeking, aching, hinging, catching, hatching. Teaching is waking up in the morning, and mucking through the day, and going to sleep at night, in order to wake up the next morning and do it again, Teaching is living un/grammatically. Teaching is living poetically. Teaching is trouble-making.  - 207 -  Teaching is about falling in love, desiring the other, seeking to be desired by the other. Teaching is ineffable. Teaching is a verb, always tense, past or present or future, sometimes active, sometimes passive. Teaching is reaching and preaching and screeching and breaching. Teaching is what I do, a kind of residue, when I am what I am. Teaching is looking for poets and poetry, and weeping when I don't find them, and weeping when I do find them.  - 208 -  DRIVING LESSONS (for Anna) We have driven miles together, you and I, but soon you will have your own license, and you will not need me beside you: check your blind spots don't speed watch out for other drivers look down the road watch the crosswalks look both ways turn off the signal light This evening in early September you cut a curb too close, braked hard before an amber light you hadn't seen, made an unsafe turn. I barked. I didn't mean to. Finally I looked at you, not the road. You were driving blind, the wipers useless in a torrent of tears. I said, I'm an ogre of a father. You said, No, you're a good daddy. Once for Necktie Day at school, you borrowed all my neckties, and your mother explained. She is taking necktiesfor her friends who don't have fathers. I was glad I had neckties, even if I don't wear them anymore. We parked on the side of St. Alban's Road and ate Nufry's donuts, then under a full moon wound our way through Richmond. I am teaching you how to drive, but you are teaching me how to be a father.  APPENDIX L  - 212 -  •D I co c ~  o  — «<  ^  $ 0) — TJ CO - i <D 3C(0  D> 3 3 <  Q>  (Q  0)  =  O  3  (0 O 3  3 "< _  CD O ! = - _ « < CO 0 0 * 0  X  (D  3  3 _ 33 3C  o> 3 3  I  3  (Q  3  2.  o 2. ° 2. ° 2. 2. 2. o o o o f> 2 « 2 " 2 o n  8 co  CO  s  <<<<<<<<<<  Q-  o  3  O*  to (0  s-. 3" 3 5  O"  CD 3" CO CD  o2.oOo2.o2.oo - 3CD 5" - o CO o m  I  § CD  CD CD  3 - 3 - 3 - 3 - 3 - 3 - 3 - 3 - 3 - 3 C D C D C D C D C D C D C D C D C D C D  o —  CD  CD  3  ^  J  =» O CO —  5"  CD  O  X  3 "°  CD O  CO  CO3  ®  CD -t  =  55 ~  »  »  3  2.  3 2 CD CD 3  3  £• ° CD  - *  CD CO  o CO  3" 0)  CD  1  IQ  5"  CQ  CD  CD » CO CD  8  a.  s-  CD • o P Q. co o 3 CD CQ — c CD »UL.C3 O CQ CO CD w CD CD 3 CO CO CD O CD CO CT _ O CD o 3 o CQ CO 3" CO :> " CQ CD Q_ co § CO CO. 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IndlanaUnlverslty ABSTRACT: A critique of preservice teacher education that often constructs preservice teachers as passtve technicians, and a view Into a collaborative program which attempts to reconstruct the role of preservice teachers as active and reflective and to legitimate their experiences as valuable to classroom practice.  H H H |  E x c e e d i n g Practices of Methodology: "I* * P r o d u c t i v i t y of D i s c o m f o r t W, 7:00-8:15—Library (Symposium) f'RESENTERS: Lisa A. Mazzel. Ohio State University: Elizabeth A. St. Pierre. University of Georgia ABSTRACT: Within the freedoms of postposltMst paradigms of Inquiry lurk' "shoulds" and "oughts" for the doing of research. This session wtll explore how the presenters are foregrounding that which does not fall within the limits of received methodology—that which creates tension and uncomfortableness (and sometimes humor), but which ctlve Inquiry and thought 1  i c i n g o n H o l y G r o u n d : a n exploration of d r a m a as a way of r e - M E M B E R - t n g A 5 - S t . A n d r e w ' s C h a p e l (Performance) Jeanette MacArthur Scott. University of Columbia \ C T : This Readers' Theatre presentation of collected "texts of teaching will invite the spect-ators Into a space where they may listen to and embody the many voices echoing in the halls of that place called school. "Help M e M a k e it T h r o u g h the Night." O r . One C o n strue t i v i a f a V i e w of T e a c h i n g and Learning W. 7:00-8:15—Barth R o o m (Interactive Seminar) PRESENTER: Jerry Levtne. West Virginia State College ABSTRACT: Vygotsky. Skinner. Piaget. and Joan Baez combine to help us all make it through the night. While doing It we're going to see how predetermined reactions to specific stimuli, the responses of other "students," and our own histories combine to form the meanings we make, the learning we do. Z e n a n d the G r a d i n g o f S t u d e n t s W. 7:00-8:15—Upper S e m i n a r R m (Single Paper): PRESENTER: Conrad P. Prltscher. Bowling Green State University ABSTRACT: Zen context Is given to show how changing grading practices may enhance student learning. A discussion will follow. C r o s s i n g B o u n d a r i e s In. _ _ Aesthetics and Art History W, 8:45-10:00—Upper R o o m (Symposium) PRESENTERS: Mary K. Carter. Indiana University; Nancy \ Parks. Indiana University ABSTRACT: The transformation of art education; the disciplines of art history and aesthetics, and the theoretical forces that have Influenced recent changes within the field are explored. Socially and culturally Informed art historical & aesthetic models are proposed.  Writing the Forbidden: O n Making Spectacles of Ourselves; T u r n i n g Rage Into a Story; Dangerous Writing, Scary Stories PUpper R o o m (Symposium) oKujeenimnl time pertodj KroETTfERS: Rebecca Luce-Kapler. University of Alberta: Gall Sldonle So bat. University or Alberta: Oelese Wear. Northeastern Ohio' Universities. College of Medicine: P.K. Jamison. Indiana University Department of Family Medicine: Linda Laldlaw, Simon Fraser University ABSTRACTS: • "Writing the Forbidden" (Luce-Kapler & Sobat): In our writing collective with six young women, the work has art objecting rather than art objects, This presentation is a chorus of voices that have whispered, yelled, and wept about bodies, sexuality, and agency through poetry, fiction, and song. • "On Making Spectacles of Ourselves: Outlaw Emotions In Medicine" (wear): An exploration of the ways in which the emotional character of young physlclans-ln-tralnlng are molded., and an Interrogation of how these practices safeguard the highly scripted Identity that operates as a powerful sorting machine. • t u r n i n g Rage Into a Story" (Jamison): I- discuss.my experience working with health science faculty situated amidst change and forces beyond their control, and the rage that has exploded In these Individuals. • "Dangerous Writing. Scary Stories: An Exploration of Writing. Curriculum, and Identity" (Laldlaw): Through an inquiry Into classroom writing I have come to question modern notions and approaches to writing In schools. . "Composing ourselves' through writing occurs within a complex fabric of events and 'relations, both the "dally life In schools* and events which interrupt "the text* of school, experiences. T h e Challenges of P o s t m o d e r n Curriculum: The of the Debate T ^ O O - 1 0 : 1 5 — C h a p e l (Symposium) PRESENTERS: Wen-Song Hwu. Oklahoma State University; William E . Doll. Louisiana State University: Jacques Daignault University of Quebec at Rlmouskl ABSTRACT: We explore the challenges posed by postmodern thinking and possible alternatives for curriculum and teaching.  • H H H •yjUyjfl  B e y o n d the S p a n of M y L i m b s . G e s t u r e , N u m b e r , a n d Infinity ^ W 7 8 ? 4 5 - 1 0 : 0 0 — C h a p e l (Performance) PRESENTERS: Susan Gerofsky. Simon Fraser University. Celeste Schroeder, Simon Fraser University ABSTRACT: The two of us, one a mathematics educator and the other a movement educator, come together on issues of embodiment In education. Our session will'use collaborative dance, spoken words and poetry, music, slides of 20th century European painting, ana video to suggest visceral connections between the experience of the finite and Infinite In math, dance, and art. Poetry Reading ^ ^ 4 5 - 1 0 : 0 0 — S t . A n d r e w ' s C h a p e l (Performance) PRESENTER: gaiy rasberry. University of British Columbia S i l e n c e of the Lambs: T h e M u t i n g of Preservice T e a c h e r s ' V o i c e s W. 8:45-10:00—Library (Symposium) m m m i  Monteagle, Tennessee  - 213 -  H o w do cyborgs c o n s t r u c t c u r r i c u l u m ? Playing In the Web Sites of the Virtual World T , 9:00-10:15—St, Andrew's C h a p e l (Performance) PRESENTER: Karen Anljar. Cal State Polytechnic University ABSTRACT: The postmodern playgrounds of late 20th century capitalism represent a different sense of place and a different type of being, aptly labeled by Haraway as the "cyborg." Cyborgs, conceived In postFordlsm and weaned on the media, forge meaning within Interfaced Imagination on the bandwidth of existence. The relations are much more- than technical ones. BSBBJBBBJ  T e s h u v a h — T h e R e t u r n of C u r r i c u l u m T, 9:00-10:15—Library (Symposium) PRESENTERS: Alan A Block. University of Wisconsin-Stout: Halm Doy Beliak. Claremont. Graduate School ABSTRACTS: • Teshuvah—The Return of Curriculum" (Blockl: I would like to suggest that the Jewish voice has not unly been silenced from curriculum studies (we cannot hear a particularly Jewish voice—a voice speaking as a Jew), but  APPENDIX N  Ko-jo no tsuki  = 72 A ii  „  Ft  •  rM •  1  Ii  4  2 3 4  •F  —  v  T  V /  w  •  <7)  2 L* " X  L'J:  <*  •  ^  TV  (i  £  (7)  X.  <7)  <7)  V  (7)  (7)  -5  (i  h  ft  If u f ti< tz <n t  -5  V N  <n  «i  <  (i  -7  N  t t  I  *• 77 <  31  £ h  I L I:  (7)  1/  (7)  lh  1  tz  1  ') 'J li  1  [11  1  (7)  - 214 -  \. ^  tz X  i £ tz' *> (7) h  f •f h —>  L  

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