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A narrative account of change from problem drinking Beale, Judith E. 1992-12-31

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A NARRATIVE ACCOUNT OF CHANGE FROMPROBLEM DRINKINGByJUDITH E. BEALEB.A., University of British Columbia, 1979THESIS SUBMITTED IN PARTIAL FULFILMENT OFTHE REQUIREMENTS FOR THE DEGREE OFMASTER OF ARTSinTHE FACULTY OF GRADUATE STUDIESDepartment of Counselling PsychologyWe accept this thesis  as conforming to the required standardTHE UNIVERSITY OF BRITISH COLUMBIAApril, 1992Judith E. Beale, 1992In presenting this thesis in partial fulfilment of the requirements for an advanceddegree at the University of British Columbia, I agree that the Library shall make itfreely available for reference and study. I further agree that permission for extensivecopying of this thesis for scholarly purposes may be granted by the head of mydepartment or by his or her representatives. It is understood that copying orpublication of this thesis for financial gain shall not be allowed without my writtenpermission.(Signature)Department of Counselling PsychologyDate  April 29, 1992The University of British ColumbiaVancouver, CanadaDE-6 (2/88)ABSTRACT A NARRATIVE ACCOUNT OF CHANGE FROM PROBLEM DRINKINGA STORY CONSOLIDATION This study's purpose was to reveal the depth of theexperience of change from problem drinking through a single casestudy design using descriptive interviews and a qualitativemethodology. The case data sources included a changed problemdrinker and three significant others or collaterals. Byincluding several sources, the potential benefit of multipleperspectives concerning the same case was realized and thevalidity of the data enhanced. The focus was to explore the howand why of change from problem drinking through the telling ofstories from several views.The narrative method highlighted thirty five "sub stories"which were summarized and arranged in chronological order. Anarrative analysis revealed the significance of these accounts byexploring patterns, plots, transitions and significant themes.This study illustrated the complexity of change from problemdrinking by revealing the importance of contexts, interactionpatterns and changing identity features. The role of significantlife events as causative of change was secondary to everydayencounters and their cumulative effect upon consciousness raisingand self understanding. A comprehensive review of change fromproblem drinking required expanding the timeframe of thisphenomena to include social drinking to problem drinking andfinally non drinking.iiiiiTABLE OF CONTENTSAbstract ^  iiTable of Contents ^  iiiAcknowledgements  vChapter 1: INTRODUCTIONBackground to the Research Problem ^  1Approach to the Research Problem  3Statement of the Research Problem  4Definition of Terms ^  5Summary ^  8Chapter 2: LITERATURE REVIEWIntroduction ^  9Etiological Models and Change Assumptions ^ 10Disease Model 10Alcoholics Anonymous Model ^ 11Relapse Prevention Model 12Family Interaction Model 13Compensatory Model of Helping 14Social-Psychological Conceptions ^ 15Model of Human Consciousness 16Problem Drinking Research ^ 18Pathways and Influences 18Spontaneous Recovery Case Studies ^ 20Stages of Change Model 26Prototype Research ^ 28Phenomenological Case Study ^ 28Narrative Case Study ^ 30Summary ^ 31Chapter 3: METHODOLOGYResearch Design ^ 32Co-researchers 35Role in Descriptive Research ^ 35Role of Principal Co-researcher 36Role of Collateral Co-researcher 37Selection of Co-researchers 39Selection Procedure ^ 42Characteristics of Co-researchers ^ 44Interviews ^ 45Features of the Narrative Interview 45Interviewing Co-researchers: Overview ^ 48Interview Structure ^ 50Reviewing Co-researchers Narratives ^ 53Narrative Summary Process 54ivChapter 3: METHODOLOGY continuedValidation Procedures ^ 55Analysis of Validated Narrative ^ 56Narrative Analysis Coherence Method ^ 56Conclusion ^ 57Chapter 4: NARRATIVE SUMMARY: 35 SUB STORIESStory Prelude ^ 58Story Beginning 61Story Middle 74Written Documentation Letter ^ 93Story Climax: Hitting Bottom 95Story Ending- ^ 99Chapter 5: NARRATIVE ANALYSISNarrative Analysis: Coherence Method ^ 110First Stage Overview (Local Coherence) ^ 110Second Stage Overview (Global Coherence) 112Prelude and Beginning Sub Stories 113Preliminary Interaction Patterns 116Being a Policeman ^ 117Interaction Patterns: Affiliation ^ 126Middle Sub Stories: Change and Challenge 132New Plot: Resistance 136Resisting Portrait Change ^ 143Change Resistance Patterns 147Story Climax ^ 154Change From Problem Drinking Action 157Ending Sub Stories: Discoveries ^ 161Unity and Rejoining Patterns 168Summary and Conclusion ^ 173Chapter 6: DISCUSSIONStrengths of the Case Study ^ 178Limitations of the Case Study 179Major Findings and Relevant Research ^ 182Change Beginnings ^ 182Encounters of Nature and Change 186Hitting Bottom 190Self Deception 194Implications for Future Research and Practise ^ 197Conclusion ^ 202References ^ 203Appendices 209vACKNOWLEDGEMENTS This research project was very much a story in itself. Iwish to acknowledge the "families" that supported me throughoutthis journey. Firstly my own family who stayed with me andlistened to my exhaustive discussions (woes and delights).Special thanks to Chris who never gave up hope or faith despitemy own doubts and who tolerated our lack of quality timetogether. I am in dept to Larry Cochran who encouraged my ideasat the outset and gave me a great deal of freedom to explore myown potential. Thanks to my work family, for their patience andguidance. All these families deserve my gratitude for theircompassion and support, without which I couldn't have kept up myspirit and commitment. Finally a special thankyou to my co-researchers for the privilege to allow me into their privateworlds and hear their stories. I am very grateful to Jim, Anneand Lisa for their openness, enthusiasm and generosity.CHAPTER 1Introduction Background to the Research ProblemHitting bottom happens inside. What goes on outsidemay trigger it, but bottom involves at the very leastseeing oneself and being sickened to death by disgustat the sight of it. (Ernie K., 1984, p. 34)One evening I looked out into the yard and saw abeautiful sunset over one of the towers. SuddenlyI understood my whole life. I felt all the guilt,all the remorse, and saw my responsibility in thematter, all in one second. It sobered me up andchanged me forever. (Cary, 1989, p. 1)The above anecdotal accounts represent two shortdescriptions of change from problem drinking. Both aredissimilar in terms of change relevant details, referring toeither a low point "bottom", or high point "peak", episode. At asecond glance however, certain commonalities are apparent in theform of: Perceptual changes associated with seeing oneself andor one's world differently; Feeling changes associated withexperiencing oneself in a different sense arising from thischanged perception; and in the second quotation, physical orbehavioral change in the form of sobriety. ^There are manyanecdotal stories of change from problem drinking (Ernie, K.,1984; Alcoholics Anonymous, 1976; Peele, 1986 ). Descriptions ofproblem drinking and change from religious and moral doctrine canbe traced back to the 18th century (Goodwin 1976). Beyond12anecdotal accounts however, and up until the past decade,empirical inquiries into the subject of change from problemdrinking were rare. Traditionally, this topic of research hasbeen overshadowed by the demand for answers and solutions to themystery cause(s) of problem drinking and other problem substanceuse. Stall and Biernacki (1986) cited socio-political prioritiesinherent in research priorities:Given the dominance of deductive theoretical approacheswhich prevail ... and the wide variance of culturalmeanings attached to (substance abuse), the varyingtreatment of this phenomenon across literatures maywell be based more on the processes of definition ofresearch priorities than on the behaviours expressedby the populations who resolve problems in their useof substances without treatment. (p. 4)Until the past decade, research on change from problemdrinking has followed a similar course to etiological researchtrends regarding the emphasis on proving or disprovingtheoretical postulations. Authors recently raised concernsregarding treatment and research policies should this trendcontinue in the future (O'Doherty & Davies, 1987; Peele, 1989;Ward, 1985).^Research emphasizing the hypothesized relationshipbetween change from problem drinking and life events using surveymethods, paved the way for more elaborate qualitative case studymethods. (Biernacki, 1986; Edwards, Brown, Duckitt, Oppenheimer,Sheehan & Taylor, 1986; Ludwig, 1985; Klingemann, 1991; Morris,1986; Tuchfeld, 1981). These studies defined change from problemdrinking under the terms "spontaneous remission", "autoremission" or "spontaneous recovery". As the findings revealmore and more complexity with regard to this phenomena, researchmethods have in turn become increasingly complex. This trend is3evident by comparing early life events questionnaire surveymethods (Sarason, Johnson & Siegal, 1978) with currentqualitative, phenomenological and descriptive interview methods(Biernacki, 1986; Klingemann, 1991). These studies provideinsight as to the complexity of the phenomena of change fromproblem drinking, frequently citing the need for research with anopen minded approach beyond theoretical justification (Smart,1975; Tomko, 1988; Peele, 1989). In keeping with this consensusthe research trend has become more elaborate, moving fromattempts to segregate and isolate significant external events toviewing change as part of a dynamic ever changing life course.This is a turn from a reductionistic "cause effect" or behavioralresponse relationship to a broader view representative of socialinteractionist, psycho dynamic and existential views.Approach to the Research Problem In recognition of the complexity of the phenomena of changefrom problem drinking, research is in its infancy in terms of anadequate description and understanding of this problem. Inreference to the two change experiences quoted above, the depthof further exploration concerning loosely identified features,would depend upon the approach used to encourage this descriptiveprocess. A descriptive approach using qualitative interviewmethods would reveal the depth of change related features onlyvaguely identified in past research studies. Recent studies havebeen limited by their focus on a specific spontaneous remissionperiod of time (Biernakci, 1986; Ludwig, 1985). The approachelaborated by this study will represent an attempt to explore the4phenomena of change without imposing limits on time, context, andpersonal definition of change. Change will be confined only onthe basis of the outcome achieved as proof that the phenomena,change from problem drinking was legitimate and enduring. Thephilosophy of this approach rests on the assumption that theindividual's experience has been inadequately explored. Inaddition, descriptive detail has been restricted by themethodology used for exploring the phenomena. Descriptions havebeen limited by focusing on select time frames assumed torepresent change (hitting bottom, resolution to action or periodimmediately preceding abstinence). Elaboration has also beenrestrained by the method of questioning and the "case" definitionitself. Change from problem drinking has only recently includedsignificant other's observations in the case study descriptiveaccounts and multiple sources of descriptive data (Klingemann,1991). The approach here will follow the line of reasoning thatchange from problem drinking is multifaceted and complex. Asingle case study using multiple sources of descriptive data willbe employed in this study. The principal source of data will benarrative stories obtained by an in depth interview method with a"changed" individual as well as significant others who observedand interacted with him while he was experiencing change fromproblem drinking.Statement of the Research Problem This research study is exploratory in nature with thecentral purpose of providing a detailed indepth story of changefrom problem drinking. The use of a single case study design5precludes generalization to other cases however socialpsychological researchers advocate this approach to exploringcomplex life experiences (Wertz, 1985). This research problemunder investigation concerns how and why one individual came tochange from problem drinking. The researcher will be alert tothe contexts of experiences related to problem drinking. Theintention of this study is to grasp the essence of change withinthe fabric of an individual's life context. This includes anyand all interactions, discoveries and associated changes revealedby their story. The exploratory focus would be open toelaborations on features of change not adequately attended to inrecent efforts to describe this phenomena. Descriptive storiedaccounts are intended as sources for elaborations concerning:interactions with significant others; life projects; selfperceptions throughout the changing period; perceptions of andby significant others; roles; conflicts; resources anddecision processes. The value and meaning of these and othersignificant discoveries would be augmented by the arranging thestory along the narrative dimensions of beginning, middle andending.Definitions of Terms The following definitions will be used to provide areference for key terms used throughout this study.Problem Drinking:^Identification of any and all negativeconsequences drinking alcohol has uponany life area: medical, legal, family,social, work, emotional, financial.6Equates with the general term substanceabuse. In this study a problem drinkinghistory is defined by a score of five ormore on the Michigan Alcohol ScreeningTest (Selzer, 1971).A term used by social and behavioralscience researchers to define drinkingbehaviors. Addiction is a behavior, arepetitive habit pattern that increasesthe risk of disease and/or personal andsocial problems (Marlatt and Baer, 1988)A term used by medical model, diseasetheorists to define a constellation ofsymptoms associated with the abuse ofalcohol. Appendix A provides a detaileddefinition according to the AmericanSociety for Addiction Medicine (1990).In this study, change from problemdrinking will be considered to haveoccurred if one year's abstinence fromdrinking alcohol has been achieved alonewith continued abstinence or return tonon problem drinking.Non Problem Drinking: A score of less than five on theM.A.S.T. following a year's totalabstinence from problem drinking -verified by significant other reports.7Abstinence:^Discontinued use of alcohol and/or othermood altering substances.Self-Initiated Change:^Resolution to cease drinking is selfinspired versus imposed or determined byothers - employer, family, clergy.Spontaneous Remission:^Continued cessation of the problematicuse of a substance for at least oneyear without considerable formal or layinterventions (Stall and Biernacki,1986). It doesn't mean thatremission is unexpected or strange.Recovery:^Definitions vary from study to study butinvolves abstinence and markedreductions in drinking and drinkingproblems (Smart, 1975, p. 278).Autoremission; and/or Natural Recovery:Variants of the same terminology ofspontaneous remission. Implieddifferences are theory bound.8Summary The problem, purpose, rationale and definitions of keyterms have been provided in this introduction. Chapter 2examines the literature relating to change from problem drinkingas well as the context of this literature in the larger contextof problem drinking research at this point in time. Researchmethodology is presented in Chapter 3 covering topics related toresearch design, co-researchers, interviews, narratives, analysisand validation. Chapter 4 presents a Narrative Summary of ChangeFrom Problem Drinking as the first phase in the narrativeanalysis. Chapter 5 presents a "Narrative Analysis" following anintroduction to the story analysis and method used. Chapter 6presents a discussion including a summary of research findingsand implications for future research and practise.9CHAPTER 2Literature Review Introduction: Historical and Emerging Conceptions How and why does an individual change from problemdrinking? Up until the past decade this question has beenlargely neglected in the field of alcohol related research.According to investigators and writers concerned with the trendsevident in this field (Peele, 1989; Hill, 1985; Sobell & Sobell,1983) research has been unduly dominated by theoreticaldivisiveness. Division is evident in research that stronglyadheres to a theory and seeks to prove it's underlyingassumptions. Historically the field of research into the natureand course of problem drinking has been divided by two opposingtheoretical "camps": the disease model of alcoholism and thebehavioral model of addiction (Jellinek, 1960; Goodwin, 1987;Marlatt, 1988; Sobell & Sobell, 1983). In the past decaderesearch focusing upon change from problem drinking has emergedby behavioral, social learning and cognitive oriented researchers(Brownell, Marlatt, Lichtenstein & Wilson, 1986; Ludwig, 1985;Saunders, & Kershaw, 1979; Tuchfeld, 1981). This chapter willbegin with a summary of models and conceptions of problemdrinking etiology as they forecast features of change, followedby research specific to change from problem drinking.10Models: Change Assumptions From Etiological Perspectives The following is a synopsis of significant models andconceptions viewing change as a determinant of a broaderframework inclusive of etiology and treatment. In this context,"causes" and factors influencing problem drinking in turn set thecourse for change or recovery. These models will be reviewed insuccession, moving from those which emphasize atypical problemdrinking variables, to those which normalize and discount theatypical "problem" viewpoint. The progression is from a view ofproblem drinking as aberrant to the view that problem drinkersare not deviant, sick or otherwise inherently different from therest of society.The Disease Model of Alcoholism The disease or medical model is based on the theory thatalcoholism has underlying physiological determinants. Recentadvocates of a disease model hypothesize an underlying diseaseprocess in alcoholism. Other characteristics include a loss ofcontrol or inability to abstain from drinking alcohol oncestarted. This model asserts that alcoholics are inherently andconstitutionally different from non alcoholics and socialdrinkers.The alcoholic is a helpless victim of internalphysiological mechanisms beyond his control and abstinenceis the only goal of treatment (Marlatt & Baer, 1988, p.225).According to the American Society of Addiction Medicine (1990),alcoholism is a primary, chronic disease with genetic,psychosocial and environmental factors (see appendix A).11This definition highlights the primacy of the disease processitself over other factors. A behavioral symptom of this disease,"denial" is unique to the alcoholic and observable as distortedthinking according to the American Society of Addiction Medicine(1990) and the American Psychiatric Association (1980).Prognosis for recovery or change is rooted in the definition ofthe disease process. The medical model advocates the use oftranquilizers to minimize the effects of physical withdrawal andfurther advocates total abstinence from alcohol (Ward, 1985).Change is contingent upon initial medical intervention ortreatment and ongoing abstinence.Alcoholics Anonymous "A.A." Model The A.A. model also defines alcoholism as a disease. Thealcoholic has a disease of the body either due to some inheritedpredisposition or changed physiological response resulting fromdrinking (Vaillant, 1983). Secondly the alcoholic has a diseaseof the mind or an obsession with alcohol and it's effects (Ward,1985). According to the above researchers, the disease is oftenrelated to a spiritual failing. The hallmark of this model isloss of control over one's drinking and the occurrences ofdistorted thinking, again referred to as denial. Contained inthe A.A. model is a model of change entitled the "Twelve Steps ofRecovery" (The Big Book, 1976). Although change means completeabstinence, it occurs in the context of a social fellowship ofother recovering alcoholics. The process involves group joiningand ongoing participation in a twelve step process (Appendix B).12This is a social-interactive group process of sharing andmutuality which appears to have little reference to the diseasedefinition used by A.A. According to Vailliant:It is a paradox that a major goal of A.A., a strictly moraland religious system, has been to view alcohol abuse as amedical illness, not a moral failing. (1983, p. 194)In other words how one becomes an alcoholic though diseaseprocesses, isn't connected with how change is facilitated (byaffiliating with other recovering alcoholics and seekingspiritual guidance).Relapse Prevention Model of Addiction The relapse prevention model draws heavily from behavioraland social learning theory (Marlatt et al., 1985). This modelviews addictive behaviors as follows:a repetitive habit pattern that increases the risk ofdisease and/or associated personal and social problems.Addictive behaviors are often experienced subjectively asloss of control. (p. 224)The behavior is not seen to be the result of a disease.Marlatt's model emphasizes a need to identify and changeantecedents of the addictive behaviors including environmental,cognitive, biological and physiological variables. Changethrough relapse prevention strategies implies learning to breakthe association between drinking and the above variables. Insummary addictive behaviours are seen by this model asmaladaptive coping mechanisms in response to a variety ofantecedents, which in turn can be unlearned or changed.According to Tomko (1988), change or recovery may range fromabstinence of alcohol or other addictive behaviors to making13modifications in one's social environment, cognitions, lifestyle,coping skills, decision making and problem solving.Family Interaction Model: Systems and Developmental Views Both A.A. and the relapse prevention model emphasized therole of social relationships as important influences for changefrom problem drinking. The family interaction model places thesole emphasis upon the problem drinker's relationships withothers and in particular the family. Here alcoholism is definedas a family illness.Just as the alcoholic engages in self destructive andharmful drinking, other family members are caught in theweb of self destructive and mutually reinforcingpathological behaviors. (Ward, 1985 p. 9)The family dynamic is the emphasis of this model. Therelationship between the problem drinker and other family membersreinforce problem drinking, taking the form of clearly definedfamily roles and communication patterns (Bowen, 1985; Minuchin1974).Brown (1985) offered a complex interactive model ofalcoholism and subsequent recovery processes which emphasized therole of family dynamics and environmental contexts but also theimportance of developmental processes occurring throughoutproblem drinking to recovery (mental and psychologicaldevelopment). Recovery is contingent upon regaining thosedevelopmental tasks lost throughout the development ofalcoholism. Recovery is believed enhanced through the use ofgroup interactions or family therapy according to this model andit's proponents (Cermak & Brown, 1982). The need for formal14intervention by a family therapist or group psychotherapist isadvocated by this model.Compensatory Model of Helping Brickman, Rabinowitz, Karuza, Coates, & Cohen, devised a"compensatory model of helping" (1982). This model interactedwith above models by raising their inherent differencesconcerning issues of personal responsibility and choice- for bothproblem drinking and change. Two questions determine thesedifferences:a) to what extent is the person considered responsiblefor the initial development of the problem?b) to what extent is the person held responsible forchanging the behavior or solving the problem?Traditional models of problem drinking and change weredistinguished by their responses to these questions: A moralitymodel holds the individual responsible for both developing andresolving the problem. This model emphasizes willpower and aneed for improved moral convictions in order for change to occur.The medical and disease models absolve the individual fromresponsibility for both acquiring and changing their problemdrinking. The enlightenment model holds the individualresponsible for developing the problem but incapable of changewithout the assistance of a "higher power". This represents thealcoholic's anonymous model cited above whereby substantivechange can only occur by relinquishing power to a higher power(Vaillant, 1983). Finally the compensatory model attributespersonal responsibility to change and not etiology.15Social-Psychological Conceptions Saleebey (1985) consolidated emerging themes andperspectives from a variety of social models and theories ofproblem drinking. He extracted core conceptions underlyingsymbolic interaction theory as well as social influences raisedby researchers who advocate an interactive person environment"experience" or phenomena underlying addiction (McClelland,Wanner, & Vanneman, 1972; Peele, 1984; Slater 1980). The themesare not moulded or shaped into a standard "model" or format butinstead highlight the subjective experience of addiction within asocial context. The following themes present problem drinkingand change from a very different perspective then the predominantdisease and behavioral models (Slater, 1985):1. Addiction is a species of consciousness, a kind ofsubjective experience, embellished or dampened byinteractional, cultural and socio-political processesand structures. (p. 17)2. Addiction is not the exception, it is the rule.... the problem of meaning is a central one for us all,the potential for addiction is there for us all.Erosion of communal meaning and collective support makeaddictive substances attractive receptacles fordistorted and shrivelled existential meaning. (p. 19-20)3. Cultures and their social structures tend toexaggerate or depress the human propensity toaddiction by: the disappearance of community andthe illusion of autonomy; (imposed) values; bigbusiness of medicalization; and group solidaritydefined by McClelland (1972) as ritual cohesion inmales -impulsive, dominating, aggressive kinds ofbehaviours: drinking, exploitive sex, vicariousexperience, prestige, manipulation of others. (p. 22)4. We are dominated by our egos (which) refuse to let ushear from and respond to other constituent parts of theself - the body, fantasy, desires, moods, urges andmusings. The ego exists to classify, categorize,analyze... (p. 23)16In summary the social psychological conception contained inthe above quotations assert that addiction is a common humanphenomena "borne of our capacity for symbolic construction of theself" (Saleelby, 1985 p.24). Symbolic constructs like the selfare purportedly fragile and susceptible to the shaping hands ofsocial forces of all kinds according to Saleelby. From thisframework, the significance of interpersonal, institutional,cultural and ideological forces are paramount in terms of factorsinfluencing problem drinking and change. Proponents of theseinfluences advocate that substantial damage is done bymedicalizing addiction and labelling individuals as having a"disease" (Fingarette, 1988; Peele, 1998). According to thesewriters presuppositions of the medical model exacerbate some ofthe phenomena that may actually contribute to addiction -separation; disunity; self loathing. Fingarette asserted thatdrinking behaviors are understandable as "central activities"which in turn depict meaningful engagements across time. Problemdrinkers are people who have over time made a long and complexseries of decisions, judgements and choices that have resulted ina central activity.Fingarette (1988) condensed the social-psychologicalconceptions as follows:a) there is no single entity which can be defined asalcoholism,b) there is no clear distinction between alcoholics andnon alcoholics,C) the sequence in which problems occur is varied,17d) there is no evidence to date for a basic biologicalpredisposing process,e) problems are reversible,f) alcohol problems are typically interrelated withother life problems,g) "denial" albeit not an ideal way to handle life'sproblems is not a symptom of a disease.Model of Consciousness and Self Deception H. Fingarette's model of consciousness (1969; 1985) raisedthe premise that alcoholism is firstly a human problem orphenomena and as such can be viewed in association with anotherhuman phenomena - self deception. Self deception occurs when:the disavowal of an engagement creates an inner split:The totality of ...the individual's actual engagementsin the world remains unchanged, but the personal selfdisavows identity with those engagements.. .An importantconsequence of disavowal is the establishment of impair-ment or defect in capacity as a responsible actor.Because of the inner split.. .personal agency iscompromised... (1985, p. 53)The meaning of problem drinking has deep seated roots accordingto this model in terms of motives for disavowal and theexperience of an inner split or duality. On a similar veinJames, views change from problem drinking as:a process by which a self hitherto divided and consciouslywrong, inferior and unhappy becomes happy. (in Vaillant,1983 p. 189)Fingarette stressed the need for harmony within the self in hismodel of consciousness. He asserts that one isn't merely acollection of engagements but there exists a degree of unity,harmony and coherence that form a personal self or identity.18According to this model, when the individual selfexperiences discord or conflict, there is great inner distressseen as guilt, self-criticism, remorse and indecision. It isthis "distress" that motivates one to disavow certain engagementsand avow others. Self deception in turn, disintegrates personalagency. Fingarette views the disease conception or model aspromoting self deception by leading one to deny, ignore anddiscount what meaning a problem drinking way of life may havehad.The disease concept leads one to... the basic assumptionthat the alcoholic's way of life ought to be abandonedif at all possible - a devastating moral judgement onthat life. It is as if we say to the drinker 'We willabsolve you of all blame if you will in turn surrenderany claim to any human meaning in your drinking and thelife linked to it'. (p. 61)In conclusion, the model of human consciousness assertsthat self deception is a form of self-compromise that results inconfusion and disorder within the self. Feelings, attitudes anddesires must be avowed according to this model, by the person inorder for rational self understanding and autonomous selfcontrol. Change from problem drinking implies a need to avowconstituents of the self that have formerly been "denied".PROBLEM DRINKING RESEARCH Multiple Pathways and Influences In the past decade there has been a recognition bycognitive behavioral and social learning researchers that problemdrinking is a multi determined phenomena with multiple pathways.19(Marlatt, et al, 1988; Sobell & Sobell 1983). Hill (1985)suggested that one natural course characteristic of a progressivedisease is more the exception than the rule. She cited evidencethat the typical drinking patterns are characterized by muchchanging back and forth between levels of consumption. Patternsover time are further found to be unpredictable, with increasesand decreases or stability from year to year (Hill, 1985).Vaillant's prospective longitudinal study revealed multiplepathways for problem drinking and recovery:Insidious, fulminating, and intermittent courses are allcommon; so is recovery... (1983, p. 310)This prospective research confirmed the importance of culture,genetic factors, anti social personality and learning as majorfactors in the etiology of problem drinking. Donovan (1986)cited that both demographic and sociocultural issues influenceproblem drinking. Across western societies men have a three tofour times greater rate of problem drinking then women andcertain cultural and ethnic customs appear to influence theproblem. He also found that within a culture, rates of problemdrinking are influenced by age, occupation, social class andreligion. Zucker and Gomberg (1986) view problem drinking on adevelopmental and psychosocial continuum. This view coincideswith Brown (1985) by emphasizing developmental processesinfluencing drinking at different developmental stages. Zuckerand Gomberg (1986) concluded that studies of young people'sdrinking and of transitions from non problem to problem drinkingat older ages, provide support for the following:20Parental and peer influences play a role at differentdevelopmental stages and entry into or out of problemdrinking at any point in the life cycle needs to beunderstood not only as a move toward or away fromalcoholism but as a response to influences that aredevelopmentally relevant at that life stage. (p. 790)These researchers identified limitations of etiological researchwhich seeks to isolate problem drinking to a segment of timeseparate from the developmental life context. Their summary ofresearch suggested that physiological factors mediated by geneticpredisposition are important but that the process of becoming aproblem drinker occurs in a social world and is influenced by a"biopsychosocial" process. They point to the need for chartingthis complex phenomena across time.A growing contingency of researchers and critics now sharethe view that the phenomena of problem drinking is too complex tobe explained by one theory or set of presuppositions (Donovan,1987; Peele, 1986; Vaillant, 1983; Wilson, 1987; Zucker &Gomberg, 1986). A tempting parallel conclusion regarding changefrom problem drinking must firstly be substantiated by changespecific research.Research Specific to Change From Problem Drinking "Spontaneous Recovery" Case Studies Smart (1975) reviewed research on the phenomenon ofspontaneous recovery in problem drinkers. An overall theme inthis line of research concerns the social circumstancesassociated with spontaneous recovery according to this author.These include changes in marital status, jobs and life conditionsassociated with recovery changes. The definition of this termwas provided in chapter 1 but variations occur in operational21definitions across studies of this phenomena (Klingemann, 1991;Stall and Biernacki, 1986). Smart's survey concluded thefollowing from the relatively small amount of available researchto date on this phenomenon: a) Many studies have foundspontaneous recovery among problem drinkers to occur with ratesvarying from ten percent to forty two percent (Smart, 1975); b)Reasons for spontaneous recovery are poorly understood butchanges in health, job, marriages and residence are looselyassociated (Kendall & Staton, 1966); c) More studies of theextent and reasons for spontaneous recovery are needed and shouldfocus on concomitant changes in social stability and informaltreatment by friends, relatives and alcoholics anonymous (Smart,1985).Tuchfeld (1981) sought answers to the motivation forspontaneous recovery by conducting an exploratory study using aquestionnaire format. He found that numerous conditionsinitiated commitment to a resolution to change including:personal illness or accident; education about problem drinking;religious conversion; intervention by family; financial problems;alcohol related death or illness of friends or family members;alcohol related legal problems and or extraordinary events suchas humiliation. Tuchfeld concluded that one's initial commitmentto change wasn't sufficient to sustain movement from problemdrinking. Social conditions such as support and non alcoholrelated activities were necessary for sustaining change fromproblem drinking. Tuchfeld employed a descriptive method of selfreport case interviews and later analysis using qualitative datamatrices. The nature of his research was exploratory and22discovery oriented. Intensive case interviews revealed attitudestoward treatment and labels, factors associated with resolutionand postresolution behaviors for spontaneous remitters.Tuchfeld's analysis offered insight into the process of selfinitiated change from problem drinking inclusive of:a) recognition b) disengagement c) interim change in alcohol-related behaviours and d) sustained change in alcohol-relatedbehaviors.The passage from problem to nonproblem status appears tobe sensitive to some key moderator variable.. .such asprior experience with self control, usual pattern ofattribution of responsibility, resistance to labels andnegative attitudes toward institutions. (p. 638)A missing link in the change process (given perfunctory notice byTuchfeld) concerns the meaning or value of change relatedconditions to the individual. These concerns associated with anevent were loosely presented by Tuchfeld as "a key moderatorvariable" which appeared to have a significant effect upon thetransition from problem drinking to nonproblem drinking orchange.Ludwig (1985) and O'Doherty and Davies (1987) criticizedresearch that focused solely on life events surrounding problemdrinking and change, on the basis of major methodological flawsand inherent assumptions. These researchers found conceptualweaknesses inherent in the idea of a life event. Isolating anevent beyond the context of the deeper structure of life coursefor the individual, was labelled a form of "atomistic analysis".Just as the same meaning may be conveyed by differingnumbers of words, or by words which are different; andjust as the same set of words can be used to conveydifferent meanings; so it is the case that a person'slife course is not to be understood from merely adding23up, counting, weighing and otherwise manipulating theindividual events of which it is formed. (O'Doherty &Davies, 1987 p. 135.)Ludwig (1985) stated that "Life Event's" research ignoredthe importance of cognitive processes and the meaning of certainevents for the individual changer. Ludwig used an exploratory,descriptive interview method asking participants to explain howthey achieved and maintained abstinence for twelve months withoutthe assistance of alcoholics anonymous or professional help. Hefound that the initiation of recovery pertained less to specificlife events or external circumstances than to an individual'sstate of mind or perception of his situation. Conclusions fromhis study stressed the importance of experiences of hitting a"personal bottom". This term meant various things to variousindividuals but typically was associated with strong feelings;experiences of physical illness; allergy or physical aversion; ora change in lifestyle following self scrutiny over time.They sensed they were beginning to lose control over thedirection of their lives and decided, almost in anexistential sense to do something about it. (p. 54)In some cases hitting bottom was associated with a spiritualexperience. Maintenance of recovery was associated with nofurther desire to drink; willpower; physical aversion; thoughtsabout alcohol with negative connotations:It was not the image of others in distress but the image ofthemselves suffering or in misery that kept them fromdrinking". (p. 57)Recovery processes in general have been associated with"hitting bottom" (Bateson, 1971). However, a low point orhitting bottom experience according to Ludwig's findings, (1985)is not the only basis for change. Tuchfeld (1981) and Ludwig24found that peak experiences, spiritual, religious, mystical, ortranscendental in nature may serve as motivators for change aswell.Although presumably opposite in nature, peak and bottomexperiences share at least one important characteristic:they dramatically capture the attention of the alcoholic.(Ludwig, 1985, p. 56)The experience of a personal encounter with a higher power ornatural force offered the individual renewed, inner strength.The common denominator appeared to be the experience of intenseemotion whether positive or negative.Biernacki (1986) conducted an extensive multiple case studyinquiry on spontaneous recovery from opiate addiction. In hisdetailed account of "Pathways from Heroin Addiction" a rigorousphenomenological approach to elucidate detailed descriptions fromover one hundred respondents was employed. Biernacki used anopen ended interview format and respondents were asked to tellwhat had occurred during their addiction and recovery. They wereprobed to explore areas of; their general life situation beforeuse; life involvements; problems; extent of drug use and selfconcept before recovery. Biernacki concluded that the process ofchange from opiate addiction is intensely conflict laden. Theconflict is over quitting and thereby considering new lifeinvolvements.The intensity with which addicts 'come to grips with thesepainful choices varies greatly with the extent that theirlives have been affected by the addiction. Some peoplemanage to give up their addiction and change their liveswithout great emotion and stress and with little consciousdeliberation. For others, the decision is a conscious onethat is both profound and excruciating. (p. 43)25This study although focusing upon opiate addiction rather thanalcohol problem use, is significant due to the depth exploredconcerning the experience of change. Such depth of experiencehas been lacking in the above spontaneous remission research.Biernacki (1986) proposed general stages from this researchincluding: resolving to stop; breaking away from addiction;staying abstinent; and becoming and being ordinary.Stall and Biernacki (1986) reviewed literature pertainingto spontaneous recovery for four substances; opiates, alcohol,food and tobacco. These researchers theorized that insight into"self initiated" or "natural recovery" processes may shed lightupon factors influencing the problem itself. Implied here is acontinuity of experience over the life of problem to non problemsubstance use. They are critical of the term spontaneousremission, stating the phenomenon is rarely truly spontaneous -"individuals have good reasons for making profound lifestylechanges" (p. 3). Their second criticism regarding the term isthat "remission" implies the existence of a disease state. Othercommon phrases have included "maturing out" and "naturalrecovery". From an in depth review of research to date, a modelof spontaneous remission behavior was put forth along with acluster of factors in common to spontaneous remission across thefour substance categories. These authors summarized factorsaffecting change (defined as spontaneous remission) makingreference to applicable research studies. These included:health problems; social sanctions; significant others; financialproblems; significant accidents; management of cravings; positivereinforcement for quitting; internal psychic change/motivation;26change in lifestyle. Stall and Biernacki described their modelas fluid an interactive.We suggest that the central process which underliesspontaneous remission is the successful public negotiationand acceptance of the user's new, nonstigmatized identity.Based on this new identity, significant other support...processes crucial to the recovery process might beextended. (p. 13)This model highlighted three stages in the change process.Features of stage one included "significant accidents" seemingtrivial to the observer but very meaningful to the changer. Insome cases these accidents were potent catalysts to irrevocablechange as well as serve to reorient one's self concept. Stagetwo was represented by a public pronouncement of one's decisionto quit using a substance and a claim toward a new"nonstigmatized" identity. Stage three included factorspositively influencing a new nonstigmatized identity to eventualresolution and stabilization of a new social identity.Stages of Change in Treatment of Problem Substance Use Although research into change from problem drinking hasbeen largely aligned with the phenomenon of spontaneous recoveryor remission, change from problem substance use is by no meanslimited to this definition. A study by DiClemente and Prochaska(1982) on self initiated change and therapy change regardingsmoking behaviour combined descriptions from self changers andtherapy changers. Implied here is the notion that change forboth populations isn't fundamentally dissimilar or distinct. Thetwo populations were asked to describe their use of changeprocesses in terms of time periods. These researchers identifiedfive stages of change with a cognitive theoretical basis:271. Pre-Contemplation; the individual does not want tochange. This person doesn't think he or she has aproblem and may be under pressure to seek help.Awareness and motivation are lacking.2. Contemplation; the person is beginning to becomeaware that a problem exists. There is a struggleto understand the problem and a search for informationbut no commitment to change.3. Determination; the person has decided he or she isready to change and is willing to take responsibility.Actual work on changing the problem hasn't begun.4 Action; the person has actively begun to change andis struggling. At this stage one requires help.5. Maintenance; the person has already changed and madesignificant progress but may relapse. Regardless ofthis potential, he or she has attained a desiredchange.These researchers proposed that the above stages areartificial in terms of their linear progression and in realityindividuals move back and forth over time. Movement through thestages is seen as cyclical rather than linear, as individualsrelapse several times before achieving their desired level ofsuccess. The cyclical nature of these stages contradict theuniformity, uni-directional hypothesis of alcoholism proposed bydisease and medical models. This type of research offers a widerrange of definition concerning change from problem drinking thanthat imposed by the definition of spontaneous recovery. Limitingcase study research to those who have never received treatment or28intervention assumes that individuals enter treatment at the samestage in the change process. Theoretically, spontaneousremitters have navigated their way through all five stages.However, an individual who has succeeded in the process of changeup to and including the determination phase without treatment maybe a legitimate candidate to study self initiated change. Thelimitations imposed by a non treatment criteria were acknowledgedby Klingemann (1991), who broadened the definition to includeminimal treatment criteria.Prototype Research for the Present Case Study A Phenomenological Case Study Morris (1986) conducted an empirical, phenomenologicalstudy of "Being-In-Control-Of-One's-Drinking". This researchemployed a descriptive method and phenomenological analysis todiscover common constituents for two groups of individuals:controlled drinkers who had attempted to control their drinkingand though initially successful, eventually failed; andcontrolled drinkers who currently were controlling their drinkingsuccessfully. Common themes were discovered as follows:Through a free conscious decision subjects imbibeafter a period of abstinence. (p. 90)Subjects are aware of being alcoholic but are unwillingto spell out their alcoholism and deceptively hide thetruth. (p. 93)Subjects are unwilling to accept their bodily limitations.(p. 96)Alcoholism is perceived as a deviant form of existence andthey must prove that they are not alcoholic. (p. 97)Calculative techniques are developed by subjects to assuresuccess with their project of being in control of one'sdrinking.^(p. 99)29Subjects search and find concrete evidence to prove theyare not alcoholic.^(p. 103)Subjects experience resentment towards those others whoquestion their project. (p. 105)Subjects experience a lived conflict over their controlleddrinking and are fearful about losing control over it.(p. 107)Divergent themes across the two groups were revealed. Those whofailed to control their drinking eventually gave up theirattempts toward controlled drinking and instead chose abstinence.Changes were identified as follows for this group:Eventually the subjects find themselves deceptively,calculatively scheming to increase their consumptionand soon excessive imbibing ensues. (p. 113)After attaining sobriety, the subjects became awareof their self deceptions and question the viability oftheir controlled drinking projects. (p. 115)Change themes other than self deception, included facing one'sbodily limitations and moving from pessimism to optimism andsurrender to hope. This research distinguished two groups ofproblem drinking "changers". The "failed" group relinquishedtheir attempts to control their drinking and recognized self-deceptive projects. The "successful" group continued to focusupon controlling - convincing themselves and others that theycould control their drinking. The key difference appeared to bethe ongoing effort exerted by one's controlled drinking projectand it's central focus upon one's life. The group whichabstained completely and recognized their self deceptions wereable to move onto other life projects or leave behind a drinkingfocused identity.30Narrative Case Study Research Klingemann (1991) conducted a multiple case study inquiryon the stage of change he labelled "motivation to change." Hisresearch explored the role of negative versus positiveexperiences in setting off subsequent changes in alcohol orheroin consumption.^There are a number of significantimprovements in this research over previous case study research.Klingemann recognized the potential inaccuracies with self report-retrospective data and therefore included collateral participantinformation as part of the life histories. He broadened thedefinition of spontaneous remission to include hard coredependents who may have had minimal treatment interventions; heused a narrative interview method in conjunction with drawings ofa life curve - noting ups and downs; and he explored howspontaneous remission was embedded in the whole personal lifecourse and the decisive reasons for its success. He alsorecognized the pitfalls of any narrative account rephrased as"how I managed to kill the dragon (heroin/alcohol) singlehandedly". Validity and reliability were enhanced by the use ofrecall aids; collateral interviews; and alternative forms ofpresenting one's story - board drawing, grids and personal lifehistory interview.Klingemann examined in detail the initial stage of naturalrecovery by systematically compiling key quotations fromparticipants. He was concerned with those cognitive processesmediating the transition from Proshaska and DiClemente's stagesof precontemplation to concrete action (1986). A criticism ofthis study relates to the imposition of specific questions during31the research, designed to elicit cognitive elements or processes.The researcher's hypothesis that these elements are in some wayinstrumental in the transition is influenced by the directivequestions concerning cognitive processes.^Another criticism isthe emphasis upon stressful life events presented to participantsby way of a check list of "loss events"; "mental distress"; "gainevents"; and "mixed events". This runs the risk of the atomistictendency to separate life events from the life course of theindividual, concerns raised by O'Doherty and Davies (1987).Klingemann's findings indicated that an objectively high level ofstress preceding autoremission may have contributed toconsciousness raising and serious precontemplation. He furtherconcluded that this in itself may not be sufficient to cross thethreshold to action. Klingemann asserted that there was supportfor the thesis that the cumulative occurrence of interacting lifeevents provide the necessary prerequisites for self initiatedchange.Summary In summary the research available to reveal the depth ofthe phenomena of change from problem drinking has only recentlytaken the view that this as a dynamic process which influences,and is influenced by, many other contextually rich events. Thetrend is to move beyond an emphasis upon "external" itemizationof events preceding change toward revealing the deeper meaningand underlying processes which accompany change from problemdrinking. Recent research recognizes the need to move beyondfocusing upon isolated "events".CHAPTER 3Methodolocw Research Design An exploratory, single case study design was selected forthis research into change from problem drinking. Yin (1989)defined the case study approach as follows:A case study is an empirical inquiry that:a) investigates a contemporary phenomena within itsreal life context; whenb) the boundaries between the phenomena and contextare not clearly evident; and in whichc) multiple sources of evidence are used. (p. 23)The nature and characteristics of a given phenomena dictatedesign contextual features upon a, b, and c, such as time andlocation to a great extent. For this case, the parameters whichassured the occurence of the phenomena under study required ahistorical, retrospective case study context. Practicalconsiderations enhancing the validity of research and clarity ofthe phenomena itself required a minimum of twelve months and amaximum of five years historical descriptive context. Uniquecharacteristics of the phenomena therefore determine a, b and cabove, respectively. According to Yin (1989) the case study ismost relevant for questions of "how" and "why" which govern thedirection intended by this exploratory inquiry. The caseidentified by this research is an individual's experience ofchange from problem drinking. How and why this change experiencecame to be, is explored from several descriptive sources. The3233unit of analysis is the experience of change from problemdrinking and the sources of data are narrative retrospectivedescriptions obtained by; interviews with multiple sources;written documentation completed at the time of change fromproblem drinking; descriptive evidence of video taped footagerelevant to the change experience; and researcher observation inthe context of the interviews.This case study embraced phenomenological and existentialassumptions and directions outlined by Colaizzi (1978) stressinga qualitative descriptive approach. Qualitative researchrecognizes the interrelatedness of personal and social meanings;the richness of the natural environment; the existence ofmultiple views of a given reality and the interactive dynamicbetween the researcher and participant. Colaizzi's viewsconcerning what constitutes experience are as follows:experience is a) objectively real for myself and others,b) not an internal state but a mode of presence to theworld, c) a mode of world presence that is existentiallysignificant, d) as existentially siginificant, it is alegitimate and necessary content for understanding humanpsychology.^(p.52)Although the approach taken by this case study isessentially qualitative in nature, there is an element ofquantitative organization at the data analysis stage which willbe defined in chapter 5. The aim of this quantitative componentis to organize the narrative descriptions in temporal - timesequenced order while remaining sensitive to the significance ofnarrative meaning and experience in it's spoken context.The rationale for a single case study design is based upontwo premises: Each case of change from problem drinking contains34its own unique characteristics and complexity. A comprehensivesingle case study can provide the detail presumed essential for afuller understanding of this phenomena. Secondly, extensivedetail is lacking from multiple case study designs on this topic.(Biernacki 1986; Klingemann, 1991; Morris, 1986). A single casestudy will contribute to existing qualitative research.The experiences and skills of the researcher are ofconsiderable importance to the case study interview approachincorporated by this research. The researcher's backgroundcounselling problem drinkers, listening and attending to theirstories and experiences, provided a skill base to begin thisempirical inquiry. Such experiences undoubedtly shape andinfluence assumptions and personal "theories" concerning thetopic of change from problem drinking. The researcher reflectedupon her assumptions in advance, elaborating details so as to bealert to potential biases throughout the interview and analysisphases. A major intention of this case study was to allowparticipants to freely explore and reveal their own views andexperiences pertaining to the topic without the influence ofresearcher bias and direction. This is not to say that theresearcher's assumptions are trivial or superfluous. On thecontrary questions stimulated by curiosity and the motivation toexplore these "therories" formed the groundwork for thisresearch. Colaizzi (1970) stressed the importance of theresearcher uncovering his or her presuppositions by emphasizingthe importance of dialogue:35In order to uncover presuppositions, they must be searchedout and encountered because at first they are not standingthere staring us in the face. Since encounter occurs onlyin dialogue, dialogal research uncovers presuppositionsmost fruitfully. ( p. 69)In summary in advance of this case study, the researcherencountered presuppositions through her own reflection or selfdialogue and dialogues with others who experienced thisphenomena. The dialogal research itself is a context for suchencounters by both the researcher and participants. The skillsof non directive interviewing with an emphasis on open endedquestions, reflection and probing techniques as defined in Egan(1982) were used to encourage exploration.Co-researchers Role in the Research Friere (cited in Colaizzi, 1978) pointed to the necessityof an equal partnership in the dialogal experience of anyresearch. He emphasized the need to dispense with the termsresearcher and subject in favour of the term co-researchers.Colaizzi stressed that the full participation in the dialogalapproach requires contacting the co-researchers as persons whichin turn requires trust:...beyond intellectual and theoretical presuppositions tothe co-researcher's personal Presuppositions. Thuslycontacting the realm of the personal, the research spillsover to the context of the existential. (p. 69)The element of trust is a crucial factor in establishing an equalcontext of mutual interest and discovery while engaged indialogal research.^This case study embraced the concepts ofmutuality and trust by inviting all co-researchers to actively36participate and become emmersed in the process. Each coresearcher was invited as a research partner during the interviewand initial analysis phases. As such they were free to commentupon any misinterpretations and leading comments made by theresearcher.^This research dispensed with the term subject infavour of terms which would characterize each co-researcher'spersonal relationship to the change from problem drinkingphenomena.A co-researcher "hierarchy" was established based uponone's direct or indirect association with the case phenomenaunder investigation. This hierarchy included the following: aprincipal co-researcher and collateral co-researchers. Each co-researcher related to the researcher based upon the conditionsoutlined above.Role of the Principal Co-researcher The principal co-researcher is the focal person of the casestudy. This individual will have experienced change from problemdrinking directly. The central role of the principal co-researcher is to provide in as much detail as possible, a storiedversion of his or her experience of change from problem drinking.Elaborating a narrative complete with a beginning, middle andending defines this role. According to Mishler (1986) storytelling occurs naturally in any given interview experience and assuch it is a spontaneous component of discourse if one is"allowed" the freedom to elaborate. In this regard the roles ofthe researcher and co-researcher must interact to allow for thestory to emerge.37There is a cumulative suppression of stories throughthe several stages of a typical study: interviewers cutoff accounts that might develop into stories.. .It hasbecome evident to me from my own and others' experiencesin a variety of studies, that stories are a recurrentand prominent feature of respondents' accounts in alltypes of interviews. (p. 235)Mishler asserts that interviewing is a central research methodand a method that best captures the essence of an individuial'svalues, beliefs and attitudes (in Sarbin, 1986). The role of theprimary co-researcher is therefore to tell one or more storiesthat most accurately reflect their experience of change fromproblem drinking. The role of the researcher is to allow thisstory telling to occur without directing or structuring theinterview to the extent that storied accounts are diminished.The Role of Collateral Co-researchers A collateral co-researcher is defined as a significantother who observed and interacted with the principalco-researcher at times during this change from problem drinking.A collateral is selected by the principal co-researcher and maybe a spouse, parent, daughter or son, employer, friend,counsellor or clergyman. The collateral co-researcher's role isto elaborate their story regarding experiences with andobservations of the principal co-researcher as the changephenomena was occurring before them. The role of the researcheris the same as previously described, with the additional role ofdirecting collateral co-researcher's from theorizing andpostulating their own hypotheses concerning the topic of problemdrinking and change. For example it is not the role of thecollateral co-researcher to elaborate in detail their theories38concerning problem drinking. It is their role to elaborate uponencounters with the principal co-researcher, observations, andrelevant thoughts and feelings concerning what was evident andwitnessed. Although the central role of collateral co-researchers is to focus on the experience of change as anobservor/interactor, the natural outcome for all co-researchersis a self narrative.Using the language of story telling and drama, theprincipal co-researcher is the "actor" and collateral co-researcher's are "co actors". Including multiple perspectives inthis case study will serve a number of validity functions as wellas provide a rich source of contextually relevant information.The context of the case study is enlarged by inclusion ofsignificant collateral co-researchers which in turn will providemore detail regarding the phenomena. The interplay across co-researcher's stories is described by Sarbin (1986):Once the story is begun, the actor sets out to validatethe constructed narrative figure, the hero, in the selfnarrative. The self-narratives of co-actors imposeconstraints on the actor's efforts to satisfy the require-ments of his or her own narrative role. Because thestories of co-actors may not be compatible with the hero'sstory, the text - the actual living of the narrative role-is usually a negotiated story. (p. 17)In summary the roles of all co-researchers (with minimaldirection by the researcher) are to elaborate and produce a storyof change from problem drinking that is as true to life anddetailed as possible. Although details of the story can indeedbe verified and cross referenced, their meaning and significanceto the story tellers are part of their individual self-narrative's complete with a beginning, middle and ending.39Selection of Co-researchers The selection of the principal co-researcher was a pre-requisite to collateral co-researcher selection. The samplepopulation consisted of three diverse pools: a) A universitypopulation of students or faculty; b) Non-client contacts knownto outpatient alcohol and drug treatment counsellors; c) Non-client contacts known to professional and non professionalassociates. The above pools cover a wide range of populationpossibilities for inclusion as principal co-researcher, anintention of this study. Criterion for selection as principalco-researcher is as follows:1) a history of problem drinking followed by a minimumof one year's abstinence (ideally two years) fromall mood altering substances - alcohol and otherdrugs. Continued abstinence from drinking alcoholor non problem alcohol consumption following oneyear's abstinence - fulfilling the criteria of adiscernable change from problem drinking.2) Self initiated change defined as having come to apersonal decision to change without formal treatmentintervention or professional influences. This wouldrepresent arrival at a "contemplative" stage ofchange (Proshaska and DiClemente, 1986), prior toany treatment intervention.403) a maximum of five years time lapse between thepresent and the period of change from problemdrinking - fulfilling the criteria of distance fromthe phenomena without substantial memory loss.4) initial self screening of a problem drinkinghistory by the "Mast 10" a shortened adapted versionof the Alcohol Use Questionnaire (Tuchfeld, 1981)requiring a minimum score of 4 - fulfilling theinitial screening criteria for problem drinkingin the past five years.5) interview screening of problem drinking historyusing Selzer's extended "Michigan Alcohol ScreeningTest" (1971) requiring a minimum score of 5indicating alcoholism. Fulfilling the criteria of avalid "measurable" defined problem drinking past.6) an atheoretical, unindoctrinated orientation tounderstanding problem drinking. Fidelity to one'spersonal experience over "learned" theory isstressed.7)^able to identify a minimum of two significantothers who would be willing to volunteer ascollateral co-researchers. Fulfilling thecriterion for validity checks and multiplerealities of the same phenomena.41Once the above criteria are satisfied, the second stage followsregarding remaining co-researcher selection criteria forprincipal and collaterals.8) proficiency in the English language and highlevel motivation to participate in the entireprocess. Fulfilling the criteria of elaboration inthe interview process and validation of analysis.9) eighteen years of age or older. Fulfilling thecriteria for informed consent.10)^informed decision to participate in the study asstated in the particpant informed consent form.Evidence of same by signing consent form.Fulfilling voluntary participation criterion.The documents used to facilitate selection and recruitmentinclude the following:1) Letter of Recruitment (Appendix C)2) University of British Columbia - ParticipantInformed Consent Form (Appendix D)3) Alcohol Screening Questionnaire - modifiedshort version of the Michigan Alcohol ScreeningTest (Appendix E)4) Letter of Authorization for Disclosure ofConfidential Information (Appendix F)42The contents of the above documents fulfill the necessaryrequirements of conducting this case research in accordance withethical standards determined by the University of BritishColumbia.Selection Procedure Co-researchers were recruited with particular attention totheir anonymity and confidentiality rights. This was achievedthrough the recruitment methods which consistently gave eachpotential participant the onus of responsibility to initiatecontact with the researcher.^Poster advertisements with keydescriptors and criterion of the study were placed in severalcampus public locations and at three Alcohol and Drug outpatientclinics in the Fraser Valley. In addition outpatient counsellorswere contacted by the researcher and were given copies of theLetter of Recruitment. They were then asked to share the purposeand intent of this case study with non client contacts who mayqualify as a principal co-researcher. As an intermediary, thesecounsellors assured the anonymity and privacy rights of potentialparticipants. The prospective participant would then choosewhether to contact the researcher directly, for further selectionand screening. This method was then extended beyond the alcoholand drug treatment population to other professional and nonprofessional associates of the researcher. The recruitment of aprincipal co-researcher who met all criterion for inclusion inthis case study took four months. In that time two individualsresponded to the poster advertisements; three individualsresponded through their contact with an outpatient counsellor and43one individual responded through contact with a non professionalassociate. Each was sent an Alcohol Screening Questionnaire tocomplete and return by mail to the researcher. Selection wasbased upon: preliminary scores on the Alcohol ScreeningQuestionnaire further validated by in person screening using theextended Michigan Alcohol Screening Test. Self initiated changein conjunction with fidelity to the phenomena were additionalselection considerations. Two respondents were stronglyinfluenced by the Alcoholics Anonymous group and experiencedtreatment intervention initiated by professionals and A.A.sponsors. These two respondents didn't meet the criterion forself initiated change or fidelity to the phenomena versusfidelity to treatment philosophies. It should be noted thattreatment in general and specific treatment philosophies inparticular didn't disqualify a respondent. The context oftreatment in terms of when it occurred and whether the individualchose this option as part of his or her change from problemdrinking are self initiated criterion. A final determiningfactor in selection was the enthusiasm and motivation level ofthe respondent. The chosen respondent met all criterion and inaddition had a high level of motivation to participate in andlearn from this research experience. His opening remarks on thephone were: "I want to help in any way I can. I'll tell you allI can about my drinking and how I came to stop". He attended aresidential treatment program following his resolution and publicproclamation to change from problem drinking.44Characterisitics of the Co-researchers The selected principal co-researcher scored a high M.A.S.T.alcoholism level. Responses to both the short and long versionsof the alcohol screening questionnaires are underlined inAppendices G and H. A problem drinking or alcohol rating scoreof only 4 on the shortened version was substantially raised bythe more elaborate MAST version revealing a score of 21. Thedifference between in person assessment of the long version andself assessment mailed responses of the shortened version maypartially account for this variance in adddition to more questionoptions. A score of 5 is indicative of "alcoholism" on the MASTand with a score of 21, the co-researcher definitely met thecriteria of having had a problem drinking history five yearsprevious to the research. The principal co-researcher is a fortyeight year old male policeman. He responded by the least formalrecruitment method of being informed of the study by a nonprofessional associate. He made it clear that he chose toparticipate without any interference from an outside party andwas drawn to a study that included collateral co-researchers.This individual was unknown to the researcher prior to theinvestigation. His cultural background is Scottish, and heemigrated to Canada as a young adult with his wife.^Theprincipal co-researcher will be referred to as Jim throughoutthis case study. At the time of the research he was fullyemployed as a police detective in major crimes for a central citypolice department. His major occupation for most of his adultlife has been a city police detective. He has been married tothe same woman for most of his adult life and they have never45separated. They live on a hobby farm and have two daughters ageseighteen and twenty two.The principal co-researcher had the maximum number of yearsallowable between the present time and his experience of changefrom problem drinking. He has remained abstinent from alcoholand all other drugs (excepting tobacco) for the past five years.He identified two collateral co-researchers - his wife and eldestdaughter, who were able and willing to participate in theresearch. Later on he identified his counsellor during hisattendence at a residential treatment program, as a selfinitiated referral. All three collaterals were included in thisstudy after their written consent was obtained.Interviews Features of the Narrative Interview The qualitative interview described by Colaizzi (1978),Giorgi (1985), and further elaborated by Wertz (1985) emphasizedthe phenomenological method alone. This case study willincorporate features of phenomenological research but emphasize anarrative method for interviews and analysis. The narrativetranscends description by using temporality and plot featureswhich in turn produce a story with a beginning, middle andending. Instead of leaving descriptions (provided by dialogalinterviewing) unaligned or unintegrated, features of thenarrative allow for wholeness and coherence. It is the aim ofthe narrative to produce a story that illuminates a character'spersonal account over time in relation to a selected topic of46inquiry. Cochran (1990) emphasized the advantage of story formover phenomenological description.Story form supplies what phenomenology lacks, namely adescriptive structure for integrating themes into a whole.With a full story as the aim, the interview is not an open-ended request for an account or description, but a requestfor a narrative description. Particular attention is paidto the beginning, the end, and the middle as a bridgebetween the two. (p. 80)Another central narrative feature is the unfolding of a selfportrait. With a story emphasis the story teller represents hisself portrait in the form of a self narrative. Identity themesand patterns emerging from descriptive accounts of experiencesare viewed as parts of the whole story and portrait unfolding.Plot directions coalesce, converge and change. These plots arerevealed as transitions and points of significance from thebeginning to the middle and end. The characters contained in thestory are actors and co actors. Scripts are likely evident in agiven story as are roles, props, stages and scenes.^Accordingto Runyan (cited in Sarbin 1986), the relevance of the selfnarrative is apparant in biographical and autobiographicalaccounts.In discussing the narrative perspective, Sarbin (1986)raised a co existing feature of the self-narrative, selfdeception.The underlying assumption is that the self-deceiver, likethe rest of us, lives according to an ongoing plotstructure. The self-deceiver tells stories to bothself and audiences. In order to maintain or enhanceself identity, people will reconstruct their life historiesthrough the employment of two identifiable skills: theskill in spelling out engagements in the world, and theskill in not spelling out engagements. (p. 16)47The story observer or researcher in this case, must be attentiveto when and where "spelling out" engagements would deform theimage of the hero. Self deception as a feature of narrativeconstruction has also been recognized in the literature as afeature associated with problem drinking (Fingarette 1969; 1985)A narrative story of change from problem drinking would likelyillumine if and where episodes of self deception occured and ifor how they contributed to the formation of the story hero'sportrait and changes over time.Time is another central feature of narrative stories.Crites (1986) remarked upon the distinction between the self asone who recollects in story telling, and the self as storycharacter.Narrative ...is one of the primary means by which Iconstruct such a continuous life experience. Storylike narrative establishes a particularly strong senseof personal continuity, because it can link an indefinitenumber of remembered episodes from the single point of viewof the one who recounts or merely recalls the story.(p. 162)Crites raised implications beyond what is revealed by the storycontent itself:there is always some hiatus between the "I" who recollectsand the self who appears as a character in a successionof episodes, a hiatus that I artfully bridge by owningthis self, claiming it as my own. (p. 159)In summary, being a "self" involves having a story and this selfis thought to exist only to the extent that that it can be "re-collected out of the past".48Interviewing Co-researchers: An Overview The researcher established rapport with each co-researcherthrough telephone contact. The researcher's position as agraduate student and current alcohol/drug counsellor were relayedupon initial contact with each co-researcher as were basicparameters of this research. All interviews were arranged andconducted at each co-researcher's location of choice. Eachinitial interview included a review of the participant consentforms which also included statements of the purpose of the study;procedures; benefits/risks; confidentiality and voluntarypriorities; contact information regarding the supervision of thisresearch; and the intent to audio tape and transcribe verbatimthe dialogue. It was also stressed that each individual'sanonymity would be protected by altering all references to theiridentity - name and place of residence. Features of theinterview itself were emphasized pertaining to the criteria ofactive, equal participation.Each interview was minimally structured, commencing with anintroduction to the focus of the research - change from problemdrinking. The paramaters of the study were stressed to emphasizethe exploratory nature of change, the how and what of thephenomena as opposed to cause and effects of the problem drinkingitself. Throughout the study this emphasis had to be reassertedso as to not limit the story to "Why Jim drank". Each initialinterview included a directive to "tell your story, from yourunique perspective". Each co-researcher was directed to beginhis or her story at the time recognized as the beginning ofchange from problem drinking, again from their unique49perspective. The researcher had prepared questions of a verygeneral nature based upon the research into this phenomena.These questions were not intended to structure or direct thestory content but to aid in deepening, assist in areas where theco-researcher was stymied and where opportunities existed to gobeyond the surface meaning to contact the personal realm.The interview process began with the principal co-researcher. Two interviews were conducted over a two weekperiod, each lasting one and a half to two hours in length.These were held in a private room at his place of work in a citypolice department subsequent to obtaining employer consent andassurance of time and privacy necessary. The principal co-researcher's story was completed after approximately four hoursof interviewing. Completion was mutually agreed upon when asense of finality either by exhaustion of descriptive accounts,repetition, or the presentation of a definite story ending. Insome cases the ending was revealed by a return to the beginningwhich suggested saturation and a sense of narrative finality. Inthe case of the principal co-researcher the second interviewended with an unspoken undercurrent of "That's all I'm ready toreveal about myself ".^This was respected and the next phasewas to interview all three collaterals separately. Interviewswith collaterals - wife and daughter were held at theirrespective places of residence. These interviews were completedin one session each, a two hour session with the wife and one anda half hours with the daughter. A final interview with thecounsellor took approximately three quarters of an hour and wasconducted at his place of employment.50With the added narratives of family co-researchers theresearcher decided to initiate a third interview with theprincipal co-researcher. This was chosen as a verificationsession due to substantial relevant information provided by hiswife and daughter which was omitted in his own narrative. Thethird and final interview was approached as an opportunity toreach the personal realm of the principal co-researcher. Ethicalconsiderations were regarded at this time given the sensitivityof the collateral co-researcher's information. It was decidedthat the approach would be to obtain the principals co-researcher's confirmation of the significant material and thensimply ask if he would like to comment further. Due to thesensitivity and emotionality visibly apparant by thesedisclosures, the co-researcher and researcher conceeded to hisneed for no further elaboration. The ending was determined byhis decision that he was not ready to relive some of thesepainful episodes but that they indeed were significant andcollateral accounts were accurate. All interview accounts weretape-recorded and transcribed verbatim, and the researcher kept apersonal log of her observations throughout this process.Interview Structure In addition to the researcher's introductory commentsregarding the purpose and process of the interviews each initialinterview contained a directive to tell a story, with abeginning, middle and ending. Specifically, the co-researcherwas invited at the outset of the interview process as follows:51The process here will be for you to describe in as muchdetail as possible -as if you were telling a story - yourthoughts, your views, behaviors, experiences and feelingsas you were changing from problem drinking to non drinking.Due to the retrospective nature of the study, a tool wasintroduced as a method of organizing and assisting the principalco-researcher to identify a time when and where this change beganfor him. This tool was intended to provide a simple, looselystructured method to orient the principal co-researcher backwardin time, to the what, where and when context of his storybeginning. This tool was the lifeline exercise (see Appendix I)adapted from Jaffe amd Scott (1989) and the principal co-researcher was given free reign in his choice to take advantageof this tool. The emphasis was to orient him to a time which hewould recognize as the beginning of his story. The lifeline wasonly minimally useful or necessary given the ability demonstratedby the principal co-researcher to dive right into his story.There was little hesitation or inability to "begin".Consequently the lifeline tool was not extended to collateral co-researchers given their ease of accessing a beginning context aswell. All co-researchers were very vocal, articulate and wellmotivated needing little probing or encouragement to elaborate.These were fortunate characteristics. The researcher wassimilarly active and engaged with probes and open ended questionsaimed at deepening, and further exploration concerning a specificexperience or viewpoint of the co-researcher. Although questionswere not standardized, the researcher was mindful of features ofcurrent research on the subject as well as features of the52narrative. General themes arising from recent research offeredguidelines for where and when the researcher may deepen throughopen ended questions. These included themes of self-deception;significant life experiences; values and portrait identitythemes; potential conflicts; decision making; life plotinfluences; significant relationships; change "processes" or"stages" and evidence of existential life crisis or hittingbottom.For the principal co-researcher, a second interviewbegan by deepening the theme of his portrait identity as apoliceman, given this was a primary construct of his firstinterview narrative. The researcher directed him to elaborate onwhat it meant for him to be a policeman, or what his vision ofpolicing was. At another point the researcher introduced anexcerpt taken from Wambaugh's (1975) the "Choirboys" which hadbeen referred to by the principal co-researcher during the firstinterview. This book as a source of fictional relevancy wasintroduced by the co-researcher as he described certainlife/death experiences and what they meant to him. Theresearcher brought the book in during the second interview andread a passage regarding life and death. This was a springboardfor further elaboration into significant life experiences for theprincipal co-researcher during the middle of his story of change.This elaboration strategy was not predetermined by the researcherin advance. It evolved directly from encounters throughout theinterview experience attesting to the need for creativity,flexibility and spontaneity in doing this kind of research. In asimilar vein, the "wife" collateral co-researcher offered written53documentation completed by the principal co-researcher at acritical change point and this became a new source of valuablestory information.Reviewing Co-researcher's Narratives Tape recorded interviews were transcribed verbatim. Thisprocess alone provided for the beginning stage of narrativeanalysis which emphasized and followed Giorgi's method (1985)further elaborated in Wertz (1985). This stage is referred to byWertz as the "Constitution of Relevatory Description" andrepresents an attempt to condense and synthesize the transcriptdata into a well organized description of the experience underinvestigation.1. The researcher reads the interview openly, withno special attitude, in order to familiarize himselfwith the described experience.2. The researcher demarcates meaning units in theinterview data. This is necessary for a workableanalysis.3. The researcher judges which constituents are relevantfor the research, that is which are relevatory of thephenomena under study.4. The researcher regroups the relevant constituentstogether and places them in temporal order such thatthey accurately express the pattern of the originalevent.5. The researcher discards redundant statements andredescribes the event from the first personperspective.The above represents the process for the first phase of thenarrative analysis. The first step is to apprehend co-researcher's meaningful comments or "units" from the interviewtranscripts. Giorgi (1985) defined a meaning unit as a54manageable unit emerging as a consequence of the analysis andarrived at with psychological criteria in mind. Such a unit iscontext dependent - meaningful in it's association to whatfollows and preceeds it. This constituted a shift to aquantitative analysis of numbering co-researcher statements.Over six hundred meaning units were identified. The processalbeit tedious, provided a method for synthesizing all co-researcher's stories into one major story of change from problemdrinking by illuminating mini or sub stories within a givennarrative account. These sub stories emerged through multiplereadings of the transcript and the researcher's attention upontemporal narrative story features (beginnings, middles andendings). The researcher was able to identify sub storiesconsisting of sections of successive meaning units, and tocontain the essential meaning within these sub stories by notremoving a given meaning unit from it's sub story context. A substory was therefore evident with it's own beginning, middle andending and identified by a sub story title. A given sub storycould be moved to accompany other sub stories associated with therelevant narrative time context (beginning, middle or endingtimeframe).Narrative Summary: Narrative Synthesis and Summary Process The outcome of the first step was a synthesis of substories - A Narrative Summary inclusive of all relevant narrativeaccounts using time as a method of organizing the storybeginning; middle and ending. The process leading to thenarrative summary consisted of: 1) numbering meaning units from55verbatim transcripts; 2) discovering sub stories; 3) numberingand naming sub stories; 4) condensing verbatim statements intosub story summaries and 5) placing these named and condensed substory versions along a time continuum - beginning context; middlecontext and ending context. Appendix J represents a sampleillustration of steps 1 - 3 and appendix K lists the titledsubstories by spoken order and narrative order.^A narrativesummary is the product of this first stage of analysis andcomprises chapter 4.Validation Procedures This narrative summary was sent to the principal co-researcher; his wife and daughter collaterals. They wererequested to attend to the accuracy of the synthesized substories and to comment upon any distortions, misinterpretationsand to identify errors in the time sequencing of sub storyoccurances. All co-researchers validated the accuracy of thesesub stories and their context in the narrative summary. Whilethese validation procedures were underway, another validationoccurred with respect to the interview process itself plus theprocess of synthesizing meaning units to sub stories. A colleguefamiliar with Colaizzi's (1978) and Wertz' (1985)phenomenological method, scrutinized the interview transcripts todetermine researcher bias and directing comments. She thenproceeded to scrutinize the meaning units and verify that allrelevant descriptions (to change from problem drinking) wereincluded and identified in the transference to the sub storystage of the analysis. The principal co-researcher did identify56some inaccuracies and these were adjusted. The colleguesimilarly identified three potential leading statements by theresearcher and these were apprehended and further reviewed todetermine inclusion in the final summary. It was the consensusthat the transferring from meaning units to the narrative summarywas an accurate and complete process.Analysis of the Validated Narrative Summary The "Coherence" Model of Narrative Analysis Mishler (1986) identified several models of narrativeanalysis. The most appropriate for the purpose of this casestudy is the narrative analysis model raised by Agar and Hobbs(1982). This model will be further elaborated in chapter 5 as an"Introduction to the Narrative Analysis". The model focusses onthe narrative problem of coherence or ways in which parts of anaccount are connected to make a unified, meaningful story.Agar and Hobbs outlined three levels of coherence: local;global; and themal. This method was selected on the basis of theneed for integrating four perspectives of change from problemdrinking into one coherent story. Features of this method alignwith features of the narrative research itself including thefollowing underlying assumptions:first, whatever else the story is about it is also a formof self -presentation, that is, a particular personal-social identity is being claimed; second, everything saidfunctions to express, confirm and validate this claimedidentity. (cited in Mishler 1986, p. 243)Moving beyond the temporal ordering of facts represented by thethe narrative summary required discovering plots, portraits andother interactive dimensions evident as the story progressed.57These are features which can cohere and align sub stories and inturn reveal significant features of a portrait who changed fromproblem drinking.Conclusion The method used by this case study intended to acknowledgethe complexity of the phenomena under investigation. It isbelieved that the sophistication necessary for revealing thiscomplexity was enhanced by incorporating several qualitativeprocesses: descriptive interview processes; elaboratephenomenological processes reviewing the data toward meaning unitdemarcation; initial narrative summary and organization; andultimately a detailed narrative analysis of plot and portrait.CHAPTER 4Narrative Synthesis of 35 Sub Stories Summary of Change From Problem Drinking Introduction This chapter is a summary of sub stories arranged in thenarrative ordering of story beginning, middle and ending. Thisis a negotiated story synthesis, inclusive of all co researcher'snarratives. Appendix K itemizes sub stories and temporalarrangements.Sub Story 1: Story Climax - A Reference Point of Change Jim had over a period of years recognized he was analcoholic. Maybe not recognized he was an alcoholic butrecognized he had a problem, drinking. " I think the thing thatdid it to me was I woke up one morning and was still too drunk todrive to work. This was the time I said I've got to do somethingabout this. I came to realize I was just gone, I was stillstaggering and I woke my wife and said I've got to do something,I can't go to work today I"m too drunk."Story Prelude Sub Story 2: Family History Jim grew up in a family home of non drinking. His motherwas against alcohol and didn't allow any alcohol in the house.His older brother didn't drink at all. His father drown when Jim5859was just a young boy of two and a half. His grandfather howeverwas an alcoholic but Jim didn't recognize this until later, therewas never any abuse in the family in any way. The grandfather wasan old bugger, heavy browed, didn't talk to any one, a quiet man.Once Jim was a bit older he thought he had to go drinking withthe guys or there was something wrong with him. "I always drankfairly heavy and this is accepted in Scotland. You drink scotchand beer in a bar and it's acceptable. When you're a young guyyou go out and you get drunk. That's a fact of life."Sub Story 12: Vision of Being a Policeman Jim began as a policeman in Scotland for three years.Originally what lured him into becoming a policeman was theanticipation of excitement. Before he became a policeman healways looked up to those guys who couldn't do anything wrong.They were always portrayed on television as good guys with thewhite hats. "I don't think I started off because I wanted to helpeveryone. Probably more for the excitement of being a policeofficer than anything." His first experience as a policeman wasin a small quiet countrylike town in Scotland. Overall hearrested about 15 people and he never saw a gun. In the historyof this town, there was only one homicide in 20 years and neverany bank robberies at all. Drinking was an acceptable part ofbeing a policeman in Scotland. He and his wife Anne moved toVancouver and Jim joined the Vancouver Police Department. Heimmediately went to skid row and this was just a total differencefrom policing in Scotland. Here there was high crime, drugrelated and exciting. "It was what I would have seen in the60movies. It was more of what I thought, the excitement was there".He soon realized that drinking was totally acceptable in thepolice department here and at that time all policemen were eitherhard drinkers or alcoholics. He also began to experience a moreroutine division in the amount of excitement the job provided. Hefound police work really consisted of 90% boredom, 9% excitementand 1% sheer terror. These emotional division were realized"When you suddenly become terrified the first time someone sticksa gun in your face. When you realize I could die right now. Itdoesn't go through your mind but for some time after it yourealize I may have a badge, I may have a gun but somebody cankill me quite easily." He knew that a lot of times things didn'tmeasure up and he would use his power in a lot of ways heshouldn't. He saw a lot of rotten apples in the barrel ofpolicemen and he too did things he wasn't proud of afterwards.However to this day he holds policemen overall in high esteem. Hecan look back and see those policemen in his little village inScotland where he grew up. They were big men and he still looksto them as heroes.Story Beginning Sub Story 3: Police Department and Heavy Drinking When Jim joined the VPD there was a lot of drinking.Everytime someone moved from one job to another there would be aparty to transfer him over or away and there would be anotherparty accepting him. This all involved drinking, heavy drinking.He discovered that the story "The Choirboys" was almost true tolife in relation to the amount of drinking that went on. They61would have choir practises which was a name for policemen'sdrinking parties. From 8 at night to 4 in the morning the guyswould get together and drink with the excuse of getting rid oftheir frustrations. Jim knew these parties were really an excuseto drink. He was working undercover at this time and a jobrequirement was to go into the bars and mix with the people. "Youhad to drink. If you're in a bar with a bunch of people and youhad to get up to go to the washroom you couldn't leave a halffilled drink there because you don't know what they might put init. See they're always there so it's stressful". Jim found thepressure was constantly there when he worked undercover in thebars. Anything could happen to him in a bar.Sub Story 22: Paid to Drink Anne saw the police department pay Jim to drink. They senthim out in undercover work and they gave him money to drink andbe in beer parlours. She knew it was happening and saw monthswhere he would work a lot at night because he was on drugundercover work, and he would come home and have had too much todrink. She didn't know how he had gotten home. He would havenightmares that Anne couldn't quite comprehend. On one occasionJim woke up in the middle of the night and he acted as if he werein a drug bust. " He jumped me one night for drugs to get themout of my mouth. I said 'Jim! Jim!. It's me! It's me!' 'Oh my GodI must have been dreaming' and he would go back to sleep". He wasworking an undercover operation at the time. The policedepartment gave him so much money to sit in the beer parloursduring the late sixties/early seventies of the hippie era. Jimhad to fit in as a hippie and he looked like a hippie with the62long hair, beard and the whole bit. Around this time Anne'sparents were also visiting and not only was Jim drinking at workbut he would have a drink with her dad as well. Sometimes hewould work really late at night and then have to go to court inthe morning and spend all day in court. Then he would go rightback to work at night. Although it was a hectic time, Jim washappy doing what he was doing. Anne saw that he liked the job.Life was rosy for him and wonderful because he was getting allthese new experiences which he never would have had in the policedepartment in Britain. Anne was getting quite irritated becauseeven on Jim's days off he was still having a drink. She couldn'tunderstand why he had to have another drink but never did shethink he was an alcoholic. She believed the two of them alwayshad a good open communication but she just couldn't get itthrough to him. Jim would then come out of undercover work andgo back into a regular job in uniform. To her knowledge he neverdrank at work. If however, they had a stressful situation atwork, when the shift was finished a group of them would go to aplace they called the roof and have a few beers. Anne acceptedthat because "you would need something to unwind and you'recoming home in the wee small hours of the morning, you're familyasleep, you've got nobody to communicate to when you got home. Sothey would get together at the roof and have "a few beers".Sub Story 13: One of the Guys at Choirpractise Around this time in Jim's early career of policing therewas a group of guys including his supervisor who were consideringa choirpractise. "Are we going to party tonight? Okay everybodywhat are we drinking? Scotch, rye, beer, you get the scotch. .I'll62long hair, beard and the whole bit. Around this time Anne'sparents were also visiting and not only was Jim drinking at workbut he would have a drink with her dad as well. Sometimes hewould work really late at night and then have to go to court inthe morning and spend all day in court. Then he would go rightback to work at night. Although it was a hectic time, Jim washappy doing what he was doing. Anne saw that he liked the job.Life was rosy for him and wonderful because he was getting allthese new experiences which he never would have had in the policedepartment in Britain. Anne was getting quite irritated becauseeven on Jim's days off he was still having a drink. She couldn'tunderstand why he had to have another drink but never did shethink he was an alcoholic. She believed the two of them alwayshad a good open communication but she just couldn't get itthrough to him. Jim would then come out of undercover work andgo back into a regular job in uniform. To her knowledge he neverdrank at work. If however, they had a stressful situation atwork, when the shift was finished a group of them would go to aplace they called the roof and have a few beers. Anne acceptedthat because "you would need something to unwind and you'recoming home in the wee small hours of the morning, you're familyasleep, you've got nobody to communicate to when you got home. Sothey would get together at the roof and have "a few beers".Sub Story 13: One of the Guys at Choirpractise Around this time in Jim's early career of policing therewas a group of guys including his supervisor who were consideringa choirpractise. "Are we going to party tonight? Okay everybodywhat are we drinking? Scotch, rye, beer, you get the scotch. .I'll63get the ice.. we'll meet at .... ". At ^ they were juststanding around telling war stories, just recounting theadventures of the day and day before and just lying to each otherlike they normally did. They decided they would go and try alittle gambling game. The nature of this game was likened toadventure and could become sheer terror. But "nobody gotkilled". They then drank some more. Sometimes they'd have choirpractises that would only last one hour, have a few drinks, betired and just take off. Other nights if there was an excitingshift they would have a choir practise and everyone would talkabout it. It was kind of like an extension of the shift. Theexpressed idea behind it was to use choirpractises as a way ofcoming down from the shift so that you could go home without thehigh or at least this was what they told each other. Jim realizedit didn't have that effect. "You never tell your wife what youwere doing that day. You can tell some of the stuff but you can'ttell all of the stuff. You mention things in passing, you alwaysmake light of stuff. You can't really get out and say how youreally felt about something". Jim would go home and tell a storynot intending to keep anything a secret but he'd leave outcertain things if they were dangerous. He would gloss over thingsthat made him feel bad such as all the gory stuff. "You protectyour family from the really heavy stuff. Problem is I didn't dealwith the really heavy stuff". He was not allowed to be weak. Hehad to be macho or at least that was the image he perceivedothers had of policemen. "That's the image we perceive everyoneelse has of us. It really isn't the real image that other peoplehave of us. It isn't reality". He began to know through a64gradual awakening that there really wasn't a superman like in themovies. Even though he understood this early on, he stillportrayed the image of superman to himself. "Young cops do it.I've grown out of it but I see the young guys do it. We stilltell war stories to the young guys and they listen...we stillplay a game to a certain extent. You can't spoil they'reexcitement. Yeh they've got to go through it." Jim was able tolive this portrayal of a "super cop" because he experienced timeswhen he could be a supercop. He still could get the jolts and thegood feelings during those times whereas now he's older and notout there in the frontline. "You got to look at the bigpercentage, the boredom and then the jolts".Sub Story 14: Boredom - Terror Ratio Experiencing the boredom and then the jolts was somethingunimaginable to Jim until it happened to him. He would beworking a night shift and driving around in a police car in anarea of two or three story houses. He would stop a few cars thatlooked suspicious, talk to them, there's nothing in particularexciting. He would feel tired and want to go home. This may behis third week into night shift and nothing has happened. Thenwhile driving around at 4 in the morning the radio would comeon,"neighbours are complaining about a family fight". "You arrivethere, go up, knock on the door, the door opens and there's a guyshoving a gun in your face. You either talk your way out of it oryou run. You hear your partner down the hallway click his gun andyou're in between and worried about which guy is going to shootyou. If you manage to get out of it, you've got a guy in there65with a gun and you don't know what's happening. He startsrunning, yeh it's a real rush, you don't know what's going tohappen". This running or rush was experienced as excitement andhe really enjoyed that part of the job. He was involved in thistype of thing for quite a while, in fact all the time when heworked in the emergency response team. Although he enjoyed theexcitement, he believed if he had it all the time it would killhim. "You have to get out. When you're doing these incidents youare terrified". Jim knew he was excited by these episodes but healso felt the terror. Feeling the excitement was definitely therebut he knew there was something else going on for him."Terrified. So it's...that's...excitement as well. Terror'sthere, excitement's there but you know yourself that a lot of itis a front. What's inside is the.. .what you really fell like butyou're portraying to everybody else something very different".Jim has spoken to a lot of other guys who have shot people andbeen shot at and knifed. Once they get through the macho stuffand they can talk, he feels reassurance that they all feel thesame way.Other policemen on the street are thinking 'I would beshitting myself if that happened to me.' They're acting asif it doesn't bother them whereas really it is botheringyou.The upside of drinking during these times were the camaraderie,having fun like a bunch of kids. Versions of policemen'sexperiences then were very similar to the book "Choirboys".Ordinary cops were being chased down sidewalks with their ownpolice cars by their girlfriends who would be shooting at themwith their own handguns. Jim could relate to the general feel of66the book and felt it captured the imagination of just about everycop. The downside of drinking was experiencing being out ofcontrol where he would hate himself for doing things like wakingup and not knowing if his car was in the driveway or not. Theupside of drinking would also include experiences like "Bait theBuffalo". Jim knew that if another police car drove by and sawthe gambling game that they too would join in and watch. If thepolice saw a bunch of "long hairs" they would order them out ofthere. Jim didn't see this as destructive but maybe just annoyedthe buffalo a bit and jokes about it " who knows, maybe thebuffalo would have a little excitement too."Sub Story 18: Witnessing Death Jim could really relate to a passage from the book "TheChoirboys" which described how a cop might experience witnessingdeath for the first time. He remembered:When you see death it's a bit of a shocker. I never seen adead person until I became a cop and the first one wasstill shocking. You become sort of immune after a littlewhile when you see a lot of it, but you still.. .it's stillthere and you, we do a lot of covering up. We cover upwith each other as well, like a natural instinct to shoveit off to the side and make light of it.He recalls working the beat when he heard news of another unitcovering a sudden death. He started heading down to cover, justin case it was a homicide. The unit that was already on the sceneconsisted of a fairly senior guy and a junior guy. Jim thought itwas probably the junior's first week on the job because he wasyoung and there was shock on his face. Jim was immune to it bythen because he'd seen so much of it. He knocked on the door andwas told "Be careful, don't slam the door, he's hanging beside67the door". Jim came around the door where the man had hunghimself and he said "Hang in there baby".The young, junior guy was horrified that somebody would saythat. But that's a cover. It's like a self protection, youmake light of death. I've seen worse then that since, muchworse. You get use to it after a while.Jim learned that the sick humour really came out when anotherpoliceman died. They all knew they were doing this when thingswere really difficult. He learned it was important to cover uphis feelings when he was out on the street.It is not permissible to cry on the street. You shouldn'tdo it in front of the rest of the guys. You still have toappear macho to the people out on the street. You can'thave the guy break down or it'd make everyone else breakdown and then we'd really show our weakness and we can't dothat.Sub Story 34: Old Style Policing When Jim was a young policeman on the job he didn't care ifhe ruffled feathers, he just loved the work. He got along withalmost all of the people he worked with and some of the thingsthey did were a little bit questionable. They had good times,they had some good laughs and now when Jim and Anne discuss theseexperiences, they believe the young cops today just wouldn't getaway with certain things. Jim had fights in back alleys justlike the old style policeman. If someone was in a beer parlourhassling Jim and asked him to step outside, he stepped outside.He played dirty too. Jim played dirty when he got out there, hewas not big by policeman's standards in those days. She remembersone story where a fellow who was huge was hassling Jim andchallenged him to go out the back alley. Jim was with hisbuddies, the drug addicts down on skid row. They would call him a68nickname. In the back alley Jim hit the guy as he was taking hiscoat off. One time when the family was on holidays Anne heardsomebody yell "Hey ^ !" and she said to her girls "Just keepwalking he's a friend of dads'." She saw Jim and the guy talk andshe thought the guy looked up to Jim. He helped them out in a lotof ways. If they were cold he'd take a coat in to them. He'dlock them up so they'd be warm enough in jail. That was howthings were down there. A couple of times when Jim had somebodygunning for him it would be those rubby dubbys on skid row thatwould come and tell him. They had this trust in one another. Alot of things they did then, to Jim that was being a policeman.There were a lot of things in Jim's younger years that hewouldn't tell Anne for fear it would frighten her. She didn'tknow his partner's wife had been threatened or that there werecontracts out on Jim. She agrees that it was best Jim didn't tellher at the time. She would just be...terrible...horrible. Inthose early years Anne didn't like Vancouver. Coming from alittle village in Britain, this was such a big city with allthese people. She would read about people who had escaped fromjail and were hiding out in the apartment block across herstreet. As the years went by, she found it became easier and cameto know that the people Jim locked up were in a way a friend.They would look after him as much as they could. They weren't allout to get him.Around this period he would work for 18 months at six atnight until two in the morning. He went to court almost everydayand every afternoon. He'd go to morning court, have a morninginterview, then a short break and a bite to eat. Maybe he'd lie69down and grab some sleep then go back to work at six throughuntil 2 in the morning. Maybe there'd be a choir practise until4,5 or 6 and then he'd go back to court in the morning. He slepton weekends.Throughout his work career there was always a lot of peerpressure to be promoted. Jim always worked in high profile jobsall the time. He was always at the forefront such as the skidrow beat. He made more drug arrests then anyone else at thattime. He would always get involved in any high profile thingthat came along. He was a hustler and a worker and he got intoit and enjoyed it. He was quite aggressive at police streetwork. But there was always this question from other policemen "Jim why didn't you get promoted? So and so didn't do half thework that you did".Sub Story 6a: Family Life - Jim's View Jim was experiencing a good home life with a stablemarriage to the same woman, Anne. He never saw himself as anabuser during this or any other time, even while drinking. Infact he was a quiet drinker, the one who sat in the corner andnever got involved in crazy things which might affect the family.He felt he was more talkative and open when he had been drinkingand still believes his family, especially his eldest daughterLisa, liked him better if he had been drinking. Although he'snot, nor has been particularly shy, but he felt he could expresshis emotions better when he had been drinking. Jim alwaysprovided a steady good police income which wasn't the best incomein the world but it wasn't the worse either. He always tried to70look after the family and consequently tried to look after hisdrinking as well. He made homemade wine to offset the cost ofdrinking and although you could call this a hobby, he knew it wasreally a way to acquire booze. He did this for quite a fewyears, early into his career with the city police department.Sub Story 6b: Family Life - Anne's View Anne's story began the day Jim told her that he had aproblem with drinking, that he was an alcoholic. She had the oldview of an alcoholic up until this time. She believed that analcoholic was somebody who didn't hold a job, who didn't reallyhave a home. Anne knew all along that Jim drank too much andthat annoyed her to such an extent that she would tell him so onthose occasions when they were out for an evening or when peoplewere over. But he was never an aggressive drunk in fact he wasvery, very mellow and very easy to get along with. If she toldhim "you've had enough and don't say that" or if she told him offabout his drinking, he reacted like a child towards her." Hereacted like a kid who had been caught doing something wrong".To Anne it was no big deal, he would smile and he was fine. Hedidn't get boisterous, he never got obnoxious or rude but ratherwas just happy, mellow and easy going. Kate their youngerdaughter has since remarked "I wish my dad drank again. I thinkhe was easier to get along with" and Anne agrees that he was.Lisa on the other hand knew all along that her dad had an alcoholproblem. She use to have a lot of late night conversations withher dad and spoke with him about his drinking during theseconversations. She knew for many years, but not Anne. Anne71never thought of him as an alcoholic. Anne's father use to drinkbut to her this was just on weekends and therefore he too was notan alcoholic, just a drinker like so many scotsmen are. Annethought when she first met Jim that he was a non drinker, that hedidn't drink at all. "I mean he had his days of hanging aroundbars drinking and sometimes having too much but he quite oftendidn't drink at all". To Anne he was a sober man who lookedafter everyone else that got drunk and made sure they got home.It hurt Anne to hear that he was an alcoholic. Anne did notfully experience Jim's drinking as problematic up until the timehe told her but for at least one year before this time she didknow he was drinking sneakily. She would go off to bed if sheknew Jim had a few drinks just like she remembered doing when herdad drank too much. She didn't want to talk to her dad eitherbecause he too went childlike. "When I said to the girls thatdad is an alcoholic Lisa said ' Well mom you sound like you'reshocked. He's been an alcoholic for a long time. Mom do youknow what an alcoholic is?' and of course I didn't really knowbut just assumed all along that an alcoholic was the derelict,skid row type of person."Sub Story 6c: Family Life - Lisa's View Lisa saw that her dad was never obnoxious or violent oranything upsetting when he drank. He was just kind of funny,mellow, and relaxed. There were times when the family would beout visiting at a friend's place and her dad would be drinkingtoo much and he would act kind of goofy. At this time when shewas very young it was just funny. Daddy's being a goof. Lisa saw72that her mother would always keep to herself when this happenedand Lisa felt embarrassed for her mom. Overall her father wouldnever let his drinking interfere with anything. She never saw itinterfere with his job or with his family. They always did thingstogether and he never drank so much that anyone had to sayanything. Drinking was sort of there but not enough to complainabout.Sub Story 35: Late Night Chats with Lisa Lisa and her dad were always "chatters". She remembersbeing really close and the two of them would sit together late atnight after school and talk. She would do homework during thenight and as they chatted she'd notice her dad go to the kitchenfrequently. He made homemade wine and he'd go to the kitchen andpour himself a glass and down it right away and then pour asecond glass and take it into the living room. At first shethought he'd just poured the one glass but really he's downed afull tumbler of wine in the kitchen and then returned to her inthe living room. So she use to watch this happen. Eventuallyshe would pour his wine into the plants hoping he'd think he'dbeen drinking more then he really had. Lisa would become more andmore aware of his drinking behaviours. She realized he was doingthese things and she would in turn do things. For example Jimwould ask her to get him a glass of wine and she'd go get him aglass of water or something else instead. It started to become afunny exchange that way. She also found her dad to be an easyperson to talk to and so she began to actually say to him "You'vehad enough. Quit it" and he'd made a grimace or look surprised73but she knew it was for show on the surface. Lisa believed thather dad really thought he was fooling her into thinking he wasn'tdrinking as much and he just didn't realize how much she reallyknew. She assumed that maybe he was embarrassed because he'salways tried really hard and done really well. For example he'salways kept himself in really good shape and drinking may havebeen an embarrassment for him. She could see his embarrassmentfrom his facial expressions, mannerisms and gestures. He'd rollhis eyes and look away, especially if he was drunk and lessinhibited. Although she couldn't always tell when he was drunkfrom the times when he was sober she didn't notice getting reallydrunk throughout the years of their late night chats. It was nota surprise to Lisa when her dad told the family he had to stopdrinking but her mother and sister kate reacted with a great dealof shock: "What do you mean! What are you talking about!". Lisaguessed for some time that they maybe didn't want to admit it,especially her mom. Although she's 22 years old now, Lisa knewfrom the time she was 11 or 12 that her dad had an alcoholproblem. She almost hates admitting now that she misses theirchats together. They use to have a lot of discussions and ofcourse when he wasn't sober he could talk to her more like anadult. This she remembers with a quiver in her voice. He couldtalk to her then like an adult when she was in her early teens.They would have a lot of great talks and he would relate to hermore on his own level, more as an equal, more than as hisdaughter. They would talk quite openly and it was really greatfor Lisa that they were always very close. She believes this74closeness was due both to her age at the time and her dad'sdrinking, but more due to her age.Lisa's dad told her about the facts of life. Her mom gaveher the basics and was a little bit embarrassed but her dad wouldsay "Ask me whatever you want". It was that kind of openrelationship where she could discuss personal things. If he'dbeen drinking he would be more relaxed and act "fatherly" like.For example if she'd asked him something too embarrassing he'dlaugh it off and say "You're not suppose to ask your fatherthat!". She would tell her friends how great her dad was andthey went and did this and that. At the time Lisa thought it wasfunny. She and her sister thought they had this perfect family," Like school sportsday it was really neat because our parentswould win all the parent's races and Kate and I won all the kidsraces". She would tell her friends how great her dad was and someof the girls were much closer to their moms and would remark "Youtalked about that with your dad? You talked about sex?" Lisa haddeveloped high standards of her father during those times.Story MiddleSub Story 4: The Hostage Incident - Jim's View Jim became a member of the emergency response or SWAT teamafter working on skid row doing undercover work. He was involvedin a hostage taking around 1982. The bad guy had the young girlas hostage at gunpoint and fired shots at the policemen. Shestarted to run away towards Jim. The guy was going to shoot soJim shot first and got him and the girl. Neither of them werekilled, her wounds were minor but the guy was bleeding all over.75Jim developed a bit more of a drinking problem after thatexperience. He discovered it was easier to get to sleep if he washalf swacked. "This was the one that set me up for good to getinto it...What you got to remember is we are very macho. Youcan't say that your're ah...you can't feel bad about somethinghappening. You've got to be the big tough guy regardless of howyou feel. The front has to be there". At this point in time Jimfelt badly, had nightmares and couldn't sleep.From this point on, trying to quit drinking was constantlyon Jim's mind. He knew he had to do it. He knew he had a realproblem with drinking and managed to keep the quantity ingesteddown sometimes, but it was always there. To this day Jim hasdifficulty recalling details of the hostage taking incident. "Ican't remember what the guy looks like. I can't remember thedates. I've avoided them all, it's still there". He does recallworking harder at trying to quit drinking and not having anysuccess at all between 82 and 85.Sub Story 4b: The Hostage Incident - Anne's View Jim had Anne convinced that he was handling the shootingincident, that there was no problem. He convinced everyone eventhough the family of the accused was threatening and they didn'tknow who he was threatening and even though the children werebeing escorted to school. Jim's first response was "if you're ona railroad track and there's a train coming would you jump offthe track? Well that's what I did". Jim phoned Anne after ithappened and said it would be on the news and if the girls askedabout it she was to explain the details to them. He explained76that the fellow was about to shoot him, that the gun was broughtup and was actually fired but Jim fired first. He saw the guy godown and was bleeding and looked bad. Jim was adamant that Anneexplain the reason he had to shoot the guy to the girls. Anneremarked to him:When you joined the police department and they handed you agun you had to know why. Surely to God you know the reasonthey've handed you a gun! Jim responded 'No, most peoplenever even pull their gun out of their holster'. Hethought he would never have to fire the gun on anotherhuman being. The girls said 'Wow you mean dad finally gotto use his gun, he's a real policeman'. They were proudand he was relieved they took it so well.Months after this incident Jim started having heartproblems. They went through a long time of him having pains inhis chest. The guys at work took him to the hospital byambulance and he was hooked up to several machines and was keptthere. They couldn't find anything wrong with him. Then Annehauled him off to the hospital driving home one night from amovie. He ended up on the floor and was having chest pains. Againthey couldn't find anything wrong. He would be working nightshift and she'd come home scared to look in on him to see whetherhe was breathing or not. It was scary, really scary at thattime. Some people were saying "It's probably stress from theincident, the shooting" and Jim would say "No. Why would I havestress from that?" And Anne believed him. The doctors finallyfound out that it was gas coming up his esophagus and that yes,this was caused by stress. He was otherwise very healthy, had ahealthy heart, and lungs. There was no counselling, there wasabsolutely nothing. The normal course of events were followed.Jim was charged with the shooting and they took his gun. The77investigation was done and life went on. It was several yearsafterwards during a lecture that Anne saw for the first time thenews video of this incident. When she saw Jim on video sheunderstood what was really going on for him at that time. Thecamera had picked up Jim when he was being taken away. He turnedback and looked at the gunman lying on the ground and Anne couldread on his face how he felt "Oh my God I did that to anotherhuman being?", another look around and " Yes I did that". Shecould see this so clearly on that video and remarked to himseveral years later "Jim you had so much pain on your face. Youhad us all convinced". She understood years later how he musthave felt, that he was a horrible person for having shot anotherhuman being and that other people must also think that about him.Anne knew there were always some policemen who joked about itbecause that's how they handled it. Anne was a very soundsleeper and didn't know at the time that Jim had nightmares, wasup during the night walking around and having a drink. She heardabout this years after when he gave these lectures to otherpolicemen. At the time however, he had them all convinced thathe was the man of the family, he handled these situations, therewas no problem and nobody else had to worry about it.Sub Story 5: Being In The SWAT Team Jim had all the training for the emergency response team."That's the SWAT on television. The guys with the black suit,black mask, big guns where we would do the raids on drug houses".During the time spent in this team, another policeman with thesame surname as Jims' was killed in a raid. He and Jim trained78together and at the time of the man's death a few of the otherguys thought it was Jim who had been killed. "He was wearing amask and got shot in the face and you couldn't recognize who hewas. All you could see was the nametag". Jim experienced theintensity of these events but couldn't go to a psychiatrist,couldn't go to a shrink because that would mean there wassomething wrong with him. He could talk tough about these eventsbut not about how he really felt. He didn't feel tough insideand sometimes even cried at sad movies. He felt the pressure ofnot being able to get out "what you really are".Sub Story 15: A Rough Time Jim realized he was going through a rough time shortlyafter the hostage incident. He had really thought about quittingthe force but thought he couldn't quit because the skills he'dhad before in engineering were stale, old. He felt locked in andhe thought about losing his pension contributions if he left.Around this timeframe of 1982 he also was thinking about stoppingdrinking. The hostage incident created conflict in that he'dpointed his gun at people lots of times "but never pulled thetrigger before. It never happens, it always happens to otherpeople. You can't be prepared for that." Jim would be out withthe emergency response team guys after the hostage incident andafter he'd given a lot of thought to his feelings. Wheneverthey'd go to a scene he'd say "Ah, we're going here to thisshooting scene and you might have to kill somebody". Some of theguys laughed about it. He was trying to warn and prepare them.Make them get into the right head set about what they were doing79because he'd always treated it before as excitement or fun untilit really happened to him. He was trying to prepare them that itreally wasn't fun and games. "You know you may have to killsomebody or somebody may kill you." He couldn't get this throughto them. They made a joke of it. When they would all be drinkinglater on, somebody would say "I'll always remember you sayingthat Jim, you may have to kill somebody today". A few of themhave mentioned to Jim since, after they too had to shoot someone,that he didn't get his message across to them. He couldn't getwhat he meant across to them. Oh the excitement was still there,without a doubt and Jim believed this could never be suppressed,but it now was less fun and games and more of something else."It's something you got to work at more ".He opted out of the emergency response team from 1982-83and returned as a sniper. This didn't involve SWAT team raidssuch as kicking in doors but instead required watching suspectsat a distance using a high powered rifle. This was highlystressful for Jim, watching and waiting for hours at a time, toshoot someone. He never had to actually shoot anyone under thoseconditions but he never knew. After his own experience shootingsomeone, Jim observed how other policemen who had also beeninvolved in shootings responded. They all put up fronts and hedidn't know what they were really feeling. Many of them ended upquitting the job after a few years not wanting to quit rightafterwards because that would show that they were chicken shit."First they'll tough it out and then they'll kind of drift away.There's always that front there. We are big macho tough men,we're not allowed to be weak in any way and here was I... I was80weak." Jim believed at this time that the feelings he had werenot acceptable. There was obviously something wrong with him incomparison to everyone else. He thought " I can't hack itanymore as a cop. There's obviously something wrong here". Heput up his own front, toughed it out and drank. He knew he drankbefore and got drunk quite a lot but he believes that during thistime he really started drinking heavily. "That time was when Istarted drinking on my own, in fact the choir practises for mestopped then. Instead of drinking for fun and drinking with theboys and having fun, to just drinking".Sub Story 7: Drinking Habits at Home Between 1983-85 Jim would be using the bus part way to andfrom work. He would spend the day at work not drinking and thenclimb on the bus to where he'd parked his car each day. He'd getoff the bus and before he got in his car for the final distancehome, he'd go to the liquor store. Here he'd buy a mickey and aminiature bottle. He'd drink the miniature on his way to the carand then consume the mickey while driving the final distancehome. He believed the effects of the alcohol would not have hada chance to show in the short timeframe of his drive home. He'dthrow the bottle out onto the field just before his farm to getrid of the evidence. "When I arrive in the house, I'm stillsober because it hasn't gone through the system. I know howalcohol affects people, I know how it affected me." When hearrived in, supper was just about on the table "Hi honey how areyou." He saw this as his nice little family. He then would pourhimself a glass of wine to have with supper because this was81going to be his excuse for appearing a little groggy in that ifany effects were visible to the family, he'd put it off to theglass of wine. He was hiding and he would hide any other bottlehe had in his workshop or in the basement. The homemade winewould then be topped up with the vodka or other hard liquor.He'd always keep the same glass of wine but he'd top it up andpretend it was just the same first glass. Eventually he couldhave another glass of wine, with the rationale that it's not toobad to have two glasses of wine. He could go through a bottle ofvodka easily in a day, plus the wine. Most of this occurred inthe evening after work now. The family would be sitting watchingtelevision, and he wouldn't be up moving around too much so itwouldn't be too noticeable. They were at home a lot and maybethey had people visit but didn't go out regularly. Having hishobbies were also included in this pattern of drinking. He wouldbe doing his leather work and maybe be in his workshop where hecould also be drinking. Later on he'd pretend to go to bed, goto bed and then say he wasn't tired so he'd pretend to get up andread for a while. Instead he'd get up and drink some more. "So itwas never, I thought, really that noticeable for the rest of thefamily. I found out later on that yeh, it was more noticeable. Ifound that my wife knew and both my daughters".Jim tended to be overbearing and opinionated with hisfamily. He liked to argue and would open up more if he drank.He would open up with Lisa and she could tell him anythingwhereas he wouldn't open up sober. At this time there was neverreally anything that he could recall where Anne or his daughterssaid "Dad you've got to stop drinking, you're drinking too much".82Maybe there were little things where Anne would say "We're goingto visit, make sure you don't drink too much", but never really areal problem.Sub Story 7b: Sneaking Drinks At Home - Anne's View Anne didn't know the extent to which Jim was sneakingdrinks at this time. He has since told her stories about how hewould do this but she wasn't aware of this while it was occurringbetween 83-85. He would go to the liquor store and buy a halfbottle and a miniature, drink the miniature on the way to thecar, throw this bottle away and drink the mickey on his way home.He did this because he knew she was really checking up on him bynow. Anne would have pulled out any bottle he brought in thehouse and said "Another bottle? Why do we need this, are wehaving company?" But still, an alcoholic? Never. "I wouldn'tmarry an alcoholic. I just wouldn't. Definitely somebody thatwas having a problem with drinking, he was drinking too much andto me it was quite easy, just stop. Just don't drink it". Atthe time she did notice he would have glasses of milk and she'dthink "he doesn't usually drink milk". So she would take it anddiscover there was something else in it like vodka. She wouldthen just sit it back in from of him and say "I know what's inthat!". So Jim stopped bringing bottles home and drank themenroute instead. Anne learned afterwards that Jim had found lotsof places to hide his bottles, in the basement in all the littlenooks and crannies. One day afterwards when the two of them werecleaning out these stashes Anne remarked "Oh God! Jim I can'tbelieve you did this," to which he replied " This is what I had83to do, between you and Lisa I wasn't going to have a chance to doit openly, with you both checking up on me". Anne learned thatJim knew he needed help but wasn't ready for it at that time.She believes he also knew it was costing them a fortune, that hemust have drank a small fortune and the knowledge of this wouldhave bothered him. In relation to his work as a policeman, Annereflected "They must know by now that they have a drinkingproblem in the department. I don't think it's really fair onfamilies to do what they did to Jim. They sent him out, theygave him the money to buy the beer. They told him to fit in withthe crowd and he did that for a month to a month and a half andthat was his job. To go sit in the beer parlours and drink".Anne became more aware of Jim's problem drinking andconfrontative about it after they moved to the farm in 1981.There was always a time when she said "You're drinking too much.I don't want you drinking as much." That was there for a longtime. She started to notice little things like drinking milkwhich was out of the ordinary for Jim and like drinking tea withno milk or sugar. He'd pour whisky in it and then he'd change toodourless liquor like vodka. She noticed these things after theymoved to the farm.Sub Story 7c: Sneaking Drinks At Home - Lisa's View On a few occasions Lisa would say things to her dad abouthis drinking. She believes that he is the type of person thathad to come to his own realization. His whole environment wasinfluential. "I mean policemen all drink and there's never anyonethere to say stop drinking, because they're all drinking." Lisa84thought that she was probably the most judgemental. Her motherwouldn't want to upset her dad so Lisa is uncertain of how muchwas actually said between them about his drinking. She didn'tthink much was really said but that her mother tolerated herdad's drinking. Lisa on the other hand would pour his drinks outright in front of him and say "Forget it!". She didn't do that alot but enough that he would have known. He'd go to the kitchenand Lisa would say "Uhh Uhh Uhh" as he'd be pouring wine about todrink it. He'd then put the wine back in the fridge and justtake a glass into the living room instead of downing a tumbler inthe kitchen as well. Lisa believes her dad would try and foolher into thinking he wasn't drinking quite as much. She didn'tbelieve he bought much alcohol but that he drank homemade winemostly. Lisa didn't view her dad as severely alcoholic all theway through but instead more towards the end around 1984 and1985.Sub Story 9: Insight Into Me Jim has a little hobby farm where he grows his own beef,raises steers, chickens, goats, rabbits and also has a bigvegetable garden. He bought this farm in a countrylike ruralsetting around 1981. Living in the country requires that hecommute an hour to and from the city where he works. He alsospends any spare time at home doing leather work which heoriginated as a small business. He soon discovered that there wasa lot going on, including all the physical labour involved inrunning the farm. This was too much for him, way too much and hefelt he could never catch up. He couldn't get anything doneproperly because he always took on too much. "Guys are always85asking me, Jim can you make me up things, can you make me awallet, can you do this, can you do that? And so I say 'Yes, Ican do it.' I like to please people". He couldn't realize duringthis time why he couldn't get everything done. Now, he thinks heunderstands and can just go away and do nothing and relax, but atthat time he was taking on too much and didn't get it all done.Having the hobby farm, running it like a business along with hisleather work was too demanding in that he was always taking onthings. Even in his spare time he has trouble sitting still. "Ican't go to the beach and just sit in the sand, in no time at allI'd be building sand castles. I've always been that way, alwaysbusy, always doing something." In addition to always being busy,Jim discovered that drinking also prevented him from gettingthings done. Weekends were a good time to be drinking. He'd beout working on the farm and start to realize that he was justgetting further and further behind. He knew what drinking wasdoing to him - that he couldn't keep up with all the demands ofthe physical labour around the farm. He'd always been physicallyactive, always worked out almost every day at work. Instead ofhaving lunch, he'd grab a sandwich and go to the gym, workoutand run. He always said "I'll never be an alcoholic because I'llalways work it out of my system." He kept in shape. Even whiledrinking he worked out everyday. This made sense to Jim. "Yousee I was a cop in Scotland before I came over here as well andthat was a really accepted part of the job over there, wasdrinking". Jim was becoming aware of problems related to hisdrinking behaviour at this time.86Sub Story 36: Growing Up - Lisa's Story Lisa was approaching the end of her highschool years. "Itwas more like I was his little girl growing up. He was a littlebit more closed about speaking to me. I think it was partiallybecause of the age I was getting to then just his drinking". Shethought about how her dad and mom were relating to each otherwhile she was growing up and thought her mother always had toworry that she had to take care of him, trying not to get him toembarrass himself and drive home. Her mother never drank atparties or even when visiting friends. This was strange to Lisathat usually dad sort of takes care of the family, but now shewas feeling sort of protective towards her mother. Lisa wouldtry to intervene if her dad was acting silly. She'd try to talkto him just so he wouldn't embarrass her mother. She feltsympathy for her mother who was always kind of shy and quiet asLisa was growing up.Lisa believes that she helped with her father's changingfrom problem drinking because her dad began to realize that shewas getting to an age where he could no longer pretend. "I wasn'tthe little kid anymore and also I was starting to go to partieswith friends and stuff, highschool age and everybody drinks".For a time she, her sister and mother let her dad believe that hewas the only one involved in his drinking. That he was the onlyone suffering from but really, from Lisa's experiences, the wholefamily became involved in his drinking problem. She saw that hermother was becoming more vocal along with her daughter's support.They would now contribute to Anne's comments because sometimesAnne would be kind of uncertain. "I don't think she realized she87could stand up to my dad that much. That he would allow her todo that. He appears on the surface to be kind of (stern facialexpression), but he's not. He's more soft then my mom. My momwas becoming more vocal and I guess with more self confidence".Lisa observed that Anne was able to say things more directlyrather than going around the subject. Jim also quit smokingaround this time and was bothered by it. He use to say "Umm I'dlike a cigarette". Lisa and Kate use to tease both their parentsabout smoking. This was an easier topic to bring up thendrinking because it wasn't like picking on dad.Lisa saw Anne was very tolerant, way too tolerant andsuspected that this allowed her father to keep drinking. Annementioned to Lisa a while ago that her own dad use to drink inbouts and he'd get drunk. Anne said she'd then get reallyembarrassed and was mortified, couldn't stand it. Lisa didn'tthink Anne wanted to admit that she too had married an alcoholic,because she didn't see the daily things that were happening infront of her. She'd just tolerate Jim who could have gone forseveral days in a row being slightly buzzed. Lisa did becomemore vocal first. She was really shy as a little kid but as shestarted to grow older she realized that her dad might have a loudbark but there was no bite. She would say to him directly whatshe was thinking and make a demand of some kind to which he wouldgive in. "My mom actually in a way I think sort of got the cuefrom me almost. It sort of seems like that because it would belike very close in time that I might make a demand of some kindand then she would realize 'Oh I can make a demand too'."88During 1986, the year of her graduation, Lisa believes thather dad didn't have her in the same way she didn't have him. Shewas avoiding him and she just wasn't such a little kid anymore.There were some things that her parents really didn't like atthat time and she remembers how upsetting it was to her at thetime, that they didn't approve of her boyfriend. With respect toher late night chats with Jim: "I wasn't really there for him tolisten to. And I wasn't as tolerant you know. If he was upsetabout something I'd go up, you know I'd just, yeh go to my room.I was sort of abandoning him a little bit. My sister and my momwere starting to become a little bit more abrupt like I was".This was a period of separation between Jim and Lisa who saw thisas a gradual very subtle thing. "It was becoming less and lessand I didn't want to see it. It was because he wasn't fitting myideal maybe. I was beginning to see errors and flaws in the wayhe said things. He always had these ideas about the way thingswere in the world, and generally he and I agreed on a lot ofthings but I was starting to form my own views. I was startingto disagree with him".^Lisa was seeing that her dad didn't havea backup for his drinking - he didn't have a reason. He alwaysseemed to have reason and logic and it didn't seem to be aproblem. Before, she wasn't as aware the drinking was a problem,it was just a part of her dad and at the time it was acceptable.It was getting less and less acceptable to her. They would havediscussions, not arguments but they would disagree and her dadwas very hard to convince when he had a certain point of view."So often our points of view were similar and it wasn't a89problem. Now it was starting to be 'No you're wrong dad. I wasbecoming a lot more independent, different attitudes".Now when they have discussions, Jim still has the sameideas and they often are in opposition to one another but theyare beginning to handle this differently. He doesn't try so hardto convince Lisa to adopt his views. "He was losing hisinfluence over me ...I was starting to disagree even if he couldpoint out something... and I'd point out something else." Lisacan contrast the communication and tension then with how the tworelate together now.I think because I don't live at home of course we don'ttalk as much, but whenever I go and visit my parents, mydad and I usually end up chatting about something andtalking away. It's easier to disagree now. It's not aproblem now. I think he's more accepting that I'm an adultand we can actually have a discussion without him saying`You'll change your mind when you grow up', it's like`Alright you have your way of thinking, you're a big kid'".At present Lisa views her dad to be more relaxed and takes herpoint of view more seriously.Sub Story 25a: Losing Dan -Anne's ViewJim had a close friend Dan. Anne believes Dan was reallythe only close male friend Jim ever had. They worked togetherwhen they were young, they were partners. They worked togetheragain when Jim was in internal investigation and then they movedtogether from that department to where Jim is now, Major Crimes.Around 1984 they were out interviewing a prisoner, Dan felt sickand they went back to the office. He'd had a heart attack andabout a year and a half went by of being sick and going back andforth but Dan did get back to work. The two of them had avicious sense of humour. They offended a lot of people and they90had fun with it. They poked a lot of fun at people, even in thehospital. After the first heart attack the families were alltogether having a BBQ with the neighbours and as they were goingover, one of their cows was loose, so Dan and Jim rounded him upand got him back in. The fence was broken so they got a piece ofwood and a couple of nails and they began to fix the fence whenJim hit Dan on the thumb and split it open. Dan was recoveringfrom his first heart attack and Jim phoned Ann to say "I'vesmacked Dan's thumb open and I've taken him to the hospital toget it stitched". In the hospital the two of them are still atit after the doctor suggested Dan sign some papers, that he maywant to sue Jim. Dan replied" Sue that asshole! He doesn't haveanything worth having" and Jim said "Give me the needle I'llstitch it up". Afterwards at work Dan would say "look at whatthe asshole did to me. I'm recovering from a heart attack andhe's trying to knock me off even sooner". Anne thought they hadthis really close communication where they could say things likethat to one another. Dan was the only one who could smoke intheir car. Dan was in the gymm playing volleyball and he fellflat on his face and died in the gymm. Jim was there and wasscreaming at him to breathe, and then he went to get Dan's wifeand Anne saw that this was really hard on him. Jim didn't comeout and say anything, but he took over. Dan had told him beforethat he didn't want to be buried, he wanted to be cremated andasked Jim to back his wife up on this by telling his brothersthat this was his wish. Jim had to step in and say this to thebrothers. He took over. He got Susan from school, he got thegirls from school and he was just there for Dan's family. He was91busy, he was doing things, he was active. He was at the funeral,he never really said goodbye to Dan. He didn't let go, he didn'tget the emotions out until he went to the treatment centre andeven then he needed to be forced into it. They made him wright aletter to Dan to say goodbye to him and Anne still has thisletter. He had to read the letter out while being be videotapedand then he had to watch himself on the tape. Anne believesDan's death brought everything in Jim's life at that time to ahead. She didn't know this at the time but Jim had confided inDan about his drinking he said "I'm an alcoholic and I need helpwith drinking but I'm not ready for the help". Anne now realizesthat Dan's death was real life stuff, and Jim's emotions weren'tthe same as when he cried while watching a movie. In the interimtimeframe between Dan's death and Jim entering a residentialtreatment centre, Anne saw him stay strong between January 1986and April 1986, for Dan's wife and children. He didn't talkabout losing Dan then. He joked the odd time but Anne knewscotsmen are famous for joking about death. It was his way ofhandling it but he didn't really bring it up at all to her. Anyconversation related to Dan was more to do with his wife andchildren ...how were they, had she seen them, should they go andvisit them. She now realizes he was just being strong for thefamily, but he was really breaking up inside. Jim was throughouthis friendship with Dan but Anne believes that Dan was not adrinker. She knew it was sad that Jim lost him. "When he lostDan he had no sounding board left. So he had to do something.There was nobody else there." Anne thought that Jim realized howhard it would be on her to hear that he was an alcoholic. "He92didn't want to come to me with it until he was ready to get help.I think part of it is the fact that you don't know when your timeis gonna come." Anne wonders now if he related Dan's death tohis own father's. "When he probably thought back on it he'drealize his father was a young man and had a young family andthen 'snap' he's gone. There was nothing wrong with him, hewasn't sick, he just drown...couldn't swim. So I think hedecided it was time to do it and maybe the drinking got worse inthat short period from when Dan died in January and Jim went intotreatment in May."Sub Story 25b: Losing Dan - Lisa's View Lisa's father seemed to think that they didn't really knowwhat was going on and that he had everything under control,protecting his little family.^Meanwhile Lisa can remember thefamily being concerned about Jim "Is dad okay. Is he fine?" .She didn't understand really what was going on around Dan butthought it was all related to how her dad was behaving at thetime. She felt he was shocked by Dan's family being left withouthim. Her father would say things in a round about way like "Ohhis family's left, even though their financially supported,without him". Lisa can remember visiting uncle "D" and hisfamily. Her parents always took the whole family over and theywould play with Dan's two children and the dads would get drunk.She recalls her mom commenting about this as well. The other twogirls were the same ages as Lisa and Kate and they've known eachother since they were little. It wasn't just her father and Danit was a family involvement. Dan and Jim were in similar93situations, family, job, and background. To Lisa, if there wasanything major that was happening regarding her dad, they mayhave never known about it. They would never know what he wasfeeling because he never really showed anything about Dan'sdeath. Of course she knew her dad was upset, they all were. Shethought it was all coming to a head for her dad. It wasn't anyparticular incident but all these things were building up:I was part of it just because my age was changing, I wasbecoming more independent.. .stressful and becoming lessclose and he didn't have me and I didn't have him as much.And his job was really stressful at that point in time. Momwas becoming a little more angry about things. I do thinkhe was drinking more. I use to go to his workshop and findbottles in his workshop and I know he was making more wine....My sister was getting kind of spiteful, she's had someproblems with school, she's kind of stubborn, and I don'tthink he was getting support from any of the three of us.And maybe he'd been getting support from Dan and he wasn'tthere anymore. It was like all he had for support was thedrinking, and it got worse and he realized what the heck amI doing? His permission for the drinking was leaving.Sub Story 25c: Letting Go - Jim's Letter to Dan Written Documentation Dan. I've finally taken the plunge and I'm doing somethingabout my alcoholism. I know you never really believed me when Itold you that I was an alcoholic. I remember particularly thetime that we were coming home from work that I really stressedit. I think that I maybe got through to you.I'm in treatment learning I'm not as macho or controlled asI thought I was. I know you'd be glad for me. I worked with a lotof different guys on the job and enjoyed working with most ofthem. But you were different in some ways. I probably used youas a sounding board for my thoughts and fears. I probably openedup to you more then I ever did with anyone else. After all, Itold you that I was an alcoholic long before I admitted it toanyone else. Even my wife. We had lots of good times together.Most people couldn't understand our sense of humour. How we oftenargued just for the sake of arguing. There were many things wedidn't agree about but I didn't mind your shortcomings. I'deventually changed you. You were always too rigid with yourgirls, especially when you wouldn't let Jane get her driver'slicense. That really pissed me off. And you could have let themwear a little makeup, after all it isn't the middle ages.94I knew you cared about them very much and you were justtrying to protect them but there comes a time when you have tolet go. You probably resented my interference and arguing withyou but you know what I'm like. You often made peopleuncomfortable deliberately. I knew how to handle me when you didit to me, but some people couldn't handle it.I don't really remember any rough times we had togetherexcept maybe when you had your first heart attack. We had beenat ---- interviewing a prisoner and there were no indicationsthat you were feeling bad. Then in the office when you lost allyour colour and complained about the pain and dizziness, you wereobviously sick. I never even thought about a heart attack. Ithought stomach upset or food poisoning. When we were in thehospital and both realized that you'd had a heart attack I stillheld onto my emotions. The doctors and nurses must have thought Iwas a real asshole, that you were being hooked up to the machineand I was making heart jokes. You lowered back quickly and becameyou usual sarcastic self but the fear was there. The morning ofyour death was just like any other day. You looked fine. I was atmajor crimes discussing my (something) movie, when Al grabbed meand said "Dan's collapsed in the gymm, he doesn't look good".When I got there the fire department had already arrived and wewere working on you. I'm crying. They were pumping you, I wasangry. There were guys standing around watching. I rememberscreaming at you "Breath you fucking asshole!" Then I had to gaincontrol. I gave myself something to do, I became methodical. Iknew you were dying probably even dead, so I thought of all thethings that had to be done. I knew Susan would be at school so Iwent to pick her up and on the way I got a call on the radio tocall the office. Of course I knew what the message was. It wasjust very simply, Dan didn't make it. I found Susan at school andgave her the news, I was still in control and now it was easierbecause I had someone to look after.I can think now about each member of your family. How Icomforted them. I couldn't feel their pain. I was very strong andbusiness like and I suppose that helped them out. I was glad youhad lots of brothers to look after the funeral arrangements. Whenthe day your funeral came, I still managed to maintain mycomposure. I even helped to carry your coffin in. The churchstarted to fill up. I think I got half way through the servicebefore my eyes watered and then I silently cried. I went back toyour home with your family but that time I was in control again.I'm pretty good at suppressing my emotions. It's a requirement ofthe job. I guess I got to be too good at it. Now I'm paying theprice. I never really said goodbye to you Dan. Maybe I thought Idid but I never really let the tears go. Now I can't stop them.I've grown a lot in the last few weeks, I'm getting to know me.Maybe I'll like what I find. I think I will.End of letter.95Jim was home one day. Anne was working and he was the onlyone there. He needed a drink and there was nothing in the houseso he went and raided the piggy bank and took all the coins,nickels, dimes and quarters and went to the liquor store andbought a bottle. He took out all the pennies and stood therecounting them all out. That felt really bad while he was doingit and it was degrading but he still did it anyway.Story Climax: Change From Problem Drinking - Hitting BottomSub Story 1: Woke Up and Sub Story 8: Going Downhill One morning in April of 1986 Jim woke up too drunk to go towork. This was the time that he knew he had to do somethingabout his drinking. He came to realize that he was just gone,still staggering from the previous night of drinking. He woke upAnne and said "I've got to do something. I can't go into worktoday because I'm too drunk". He had tried to do things himselfto help him stop drinking. He had read about it and believedthat because he was a reasoning person he should be able to lookafter this problem. He continued between 83-85 trying to stopdrinking on his own. Jim experienced a realization over a periodof time that he was deteriorating. He was going downhill,getting worse and believed he would eventually end up on skidrow. This realization didn't occur suddenly but rather graduallyand progressively from 83 to 85. He had always been veryconscientious about his job and he never got drunk at work unlessit was acceptable, such as in a drinking role. Keeping upappearances was always there for Jim. He believes that a lot ofpeople were totally surprised that he was a drinker, especially96his employer because in his mind there was no indication giventhat he had a drinking problem. They knew he drank because hedrank with quite a few other policemen but they never realized hehad a problem. Jim could easily have phoned into work sickbecause he had accumulated over two years of sick time. "I wasnever off sick. There was no thought in my mind of losing my jobbecause I was drinking. I could see eventually down the line, itis getting worse and here I am today, I'm even too drunk to getto work. That was bad. He felt degraded and that he had totallylost control. He knew he had this problem for some time. He'dseen drunks all his life, locked them up as a part of his job.He'd walked the skid row beat for seven years and dealt withnothing but drunks, drank a lot himself and knew he was drinkinga lot. He realized it was having an effect on his life. Hetried to slow down, tried to cut it down, couldn't and worriedabout this. He kept trying and nothing was happening, he wasdrinking more and it was getting worse. He believes he simplyrealized he had to do something about it. He doesn't believe tothis day that the hostage incident caused his drinking problembut that it may have escalated it.I don't think something happened to me. I know whatdrinking does to people. I've seen it and dealt with it.I been to homes where the old man is a drunk andeverything's falling apart. Where wives are gettingbeaten. That's what my job is, is dealing with people whena lot of it was alcohol related. You refer back toyourself 'I'm doing the same thing'.He use to wake up in the morning and look out to see if the carwas still there not knowing how he got home. He experienced alot of guilt about that afterwards again because that was his97job, to stop the other drivers from doing it. He had seen theaccidents it caused.That point in time wasn't just a point in time. That was aculmination of all the times. It wasn't all of a suddenthis thing just cracked today, this was my day to stop. Itwas I had reached my bottom. I had gone as far as I couldgo. A simple little thing, maybe it was nothing to do withmissing work that day. Just my time to make the decision".Sub Story 19a: Waking Up and Calling Work - Jim's View Jim likes himself now more then he ever did before butremembers waking up and staggering, still under the influence.He realized then he had lost control, woke up Anne and told her.She burst out crying and said to him it was about time. Jimstayed home and phoned into work but didn't say he was sick, justsaid he couldn't make it. The next day he went straight up tothe boss in staff development and said "I'm an alcoholic and Ihave to get some treatment. 'No way!' I said 'Yes'". Jim's bosscouldn't believe it was true, he hadn't seen any indications butmade arrangements for Jim to go to Pacifica for an interview andsaid he would do anything he could to help out. This interimperiod between contacting his employer and going into aresidential treatment centre was the longest period of sobrietyin 5 or 6 years for Jim. "It was like I've really got to dosomething about this. I had one beer, I had never managed thatbefore. I can distinctly remember this three days where I couldnever manage to go longer then three days without getting intothe bottle hard". It was nearly two weeks before he got intoPacifica and only had one beer in that timeframe. Jim didn'tthink he could have gone much longer on his own remaining sober.98He remembers how he felt at this time. He wasn't able to admitto himself who he was:Basically the feeling that everything was crowding in onme. I couldn't be who I really was. The feelings I had thatI couldn't get out, the fact that I felt weak and couldn'tfulfil all the feelings that other people expected of me,all the things that other people would expect of me. I wasputting up a front. I wasn't being me and I wouldn't beaccepted as a policeman if I admitted to any of those guysthat this is what I felt like.Jim is quick to comment that these expectations have changed inthe police department today. He can now tell them what he feelslike and go in front of an academy class of the young kids andtell them about his hostage incident and his drinking. Hebelieves he could do it even better after talking further. Themore he talks about it the more little things he can see abouthimself.Sub Story 19b: Waking Up - Anne's View Jim had been up that night drinking and drinking. When hewoke up still drunk, he phoned into work and said he can't makeit in. That was the first time he had ever done that. He cameout of the bedroom and he was crying "I'm still drunk. I have aproblem with drinking and I'm going to have to get it fixed now".Anne was just shocked and couldn't believe it. She sat there andcried, not knowing what to think. "I thought my God I'm marriedto an alcoholic my whole life has been ruined. I didn't think itwould change. Once an alcoholic always an alcoholic. I wasdevastated". Anne didn't want to show this so she went with Jimto Pacifica and he had his first interview. In May Anne and Jimwent to the treatment centre for an interview. At this time Jimvoluntarily brought up the subject of Dan's death in January and99couldn't continue the conversation because he was in tears. Thiswas the first time that in Anne's recollection, that Jim hadopenly cried about Dan, and this was months afterwards. Up untilthat point Anne didn't realize Jim was having such a problemdealing with the death of his best friend.Story Ending : Non Drinking - Abstinence Sub Story 10a: Treatment Experiences - Jim's View Jim stayed in residential treatment for four weeks and madeoccasional visits home on weekends. He remembers that hiscounsellor Mike, played an significant role in Jim's experienceat treatment. The counsellor asked him "What rank are you?" andJim explained that he was presently working in the major crimessection which is quite low on the hierarchy. Mike said "Well Jimyou've been on the job for quite some time, why is it you haven'tmoved up? to which he replied "They won't take me." Jimexplained in detail the promotional structure and process whichhe mastered up until the last hurdle which was the writtenexamination. He always did poorly in this, just barely passing.Mike asked "Why?" to which Jim responded "Well I never studied "and Mike again asked "Why?" and his response was "Well I don'twant to be promoted". "That was even just then, when he wastalking to me, it was a realization I got. I didn't want to bepromoted". Jim was always probed by other policeman about why hedidn't get promoted. He made a discovery in treatment aboutthis:Well I'm not an administrator. I'm a street cop. I can doall the reports and stuff, I don't want to sit in an office100and... I want what I'm doing just now, I'm a street cop -I get out and do investigative work. I go and interviewpeople and talk to them and that's what I should do.Up until then, he hadn't realized this. Anne understood rightaway, whereas Jim assumed she would want him to be promoted likeother wives'. When Jim got to treatment he felt as if he waslearning about who he was:I learned more things about me in there just listening tothe other people and seeing their problems and recognizingwhat their problems were too. I can read people fairly wellbecause that's what I'm suppose to do. I recognizedbasically what their problem was right away. It was quiteeasy to do. You could see it almost in them. Because we'dhave group sessions and then we'd talk and I'd know whythey're drinking, it's quite simple. I had to stop and lookat me and having someone tell me why. Yeh I learned a lotabout me in there.Sub Story 10b: Treatment Experiences - Anne's View Anne recognizes that things have changed now. She believesthat the time in residential treatment taught them all a lot ofthings. They were made to see things even if they didn't wantto. "You realize after you've said them, hey I'm still here,they didn't shoot me. It's okay to say these things". Jim toldher of a situation when he worked in Internal Investigation,where policemen are investigating other policemen. Jim alwaysfelt guilty about how he handled a specific case and thecounsellor at the centre encouraged him to go to the policemaninvolved and express how he felt. Jim did just that and wasreassured by his fellow officer that he was just doing his joband the man accepted that. Jim thought the guy probably hatedhim and this incident happened years ago. Anne believes that helearned how to not be so hard on himself and relax a little bit.Anne also recalled that Lisa never did get to the treatment101group program but Kate did attend a couple of family groups. Jimseemed to know half way through that he was going to succeed andhe said out loud to the group " I'm the only one in this groupthat will succeed in what we're trying to do. None of you willmake it but I will". Anne attributed this to his organizationalability. He'd organized the whole thing in his mind. Sheremembers Jim and the other group members had a lot of laughs inthere too where he played pranks on them and did all kinds ofthings. He did have his rough times there as well, like readingDan's letter and having to watch himself on tape. Overall Annebelieves he really went into the timeframe wholeheartedly. Shesaw that he felt good about it. He knew that the time had comeand he was going to do it. He just took everything he could getin there. Anne was glad Kate could come because they have noother family in Canada and Jim was also glad that Kate handled itso well. She was quite young and it gave Jim something else tofight for.Anne saw a real mixture of people in there. It was quitean eye opener. One girl was really hung up on drugs, her wholefamily was very strange and had a big fight in front of everyone.This shocked her because she was never overly emotional inpublic. You wait until you get home. Another guy Jim knew fromhaving locked up. He was to Anne, the typical alcoholic with ascarred face, definitely a drinker's face. He could talk easilyto Jim and they got along fine. There was also this bigbusinessman who owned a yacht and owned this and that and justdrank himself broke. It was interesting for Anne. There wasalso a young girl about two years older then Lisa.^The102counsellor at the centre was like a school teacher, very to thepoint and instructed Jim to do this, and you will do thisassignment, and when he wanted something done, Jim had to reportback. The counsellor was in control and instructed Jim to "gethis life organized" and to say goodbye to Dan. She can rememberbeing called at home by Mike who asked how Jim usually behavedwhen he drank, to which she replied "childlike". Being intreatment was "like it cleaned the slate, and he got to startagain. So it was really the big turning point for him". Jim hadto get in front of people and express his feelings, and thenwatch while others did the same. Anne also remembers a discoverythat they both made in the group:He's a very affectionate person towards me especially. I'mnot as affectionate as he is and I never show it in public,never did. He thought it was because I didn't feel thesame the way about him that he felt about me. So there wasthis feeling there that maybe she doesn't love me as muchas I love her. Maybe I'll lose her.Anne saw that Jim was always concerned about how other peoplewere feeling and how other people would manage. Always wantingto help other people. She thinks he could still work some moreon this.Sub Story 10c: Treatment Experiences - Mike's Views Mike his counsellor saw Jim as an individual who wasenthusiastic about being in a context of a group where he wasdrawn out, and had to examine his own life. He saw Jim take thison as a real adventure and had some fun with this opportunity.Mike observed Jim as a very motivated, eager kind of guy to workwith. There was lots of encouragement for him to reflect on hisfeelings and experiences and he seemed to welcome the nudging to103more disclosure. He was also very supportive of other people andseemed to enjoy this. he "kibbitzed" and told stories. Mike gotthe feeling that Jim's challenge was to be completely on thelevel. Given the extent of undercover police work for Jim, Mikesuspected he was involved in a lot more mischief then he owned upto. Mike also realized that Jim's life consisted largely of beingin a drinking role on the job. "He'd have to get stoned a lot andI think he liked being clean and proper too". Mike saw thesystematic, meticulous side as well as a "wacky" side of Jimwhile in treatment.Mike saw the effects Dan's death had on Jim as traumatic,in that it was a very sad death. He also believed that thingswere deteriorating in terms of the marriage relationship. Mikesaw Anne on a couple of occasions during the family group and hedescribed the two of them as being a stoic, private, solid,dependable, responsible couple that could easily endure all sortsof stagnation and discontent. He didn't recall hearing about muchfun there however. Mike saw this basic core, solidness with Anneand Jim would be doing all sorts of things on this hobby farmHe would be mending fences for eight million hours or doingall sorts of stuff that was terribly good but didn't meanhe was being attentive to her...I don't think that he hadfun.Mike saw evidence of some significant feelings for Jimwhile in treatment. Grief and anger around Dan's death inparticular. Jim was an exceptional guy in Mike's view and amodel client. He was motivated, honest and added enormously tothe group dynamics. He was in a pretty wacky group according toMike. He was definitely the most solid guy. He remembers younger104women in the group, and sort of a father - daughter sort of thingwith Jim being the more wise, older guy. There were a couple ofreally late stage alcoholics who were sort of the wino, beerbellied, constant smiling individuals that you had to justaccept. Jim just rolled with them, he had good rapport withthese guys and he joked with them. To Mike, Jim appeared to be aguy of the people in that he enjoyed different people. Mikethought they could have discharged Jim after one day in therebecause in terms of his basic commitment and seriousness he hadalready come to his conclusions. The group allowed Jim to bemore comfortable with himself and prior to this time he didn'thave any confidantes at all. Mike thought the partner that haddied was probably Jim's soul confidante and that made for a veryprivate world.Sub Story 37: Lisa's Graduation Lisa saw that her father went into residential treatmentalmost immediately after he told her mother he needed help. Hehad looked into it himself already and was planning to go there."That's another thing with my dad, he's always been sort of verygood at everything he does and this is just sort of anotherexample. He decided to quit and I'm convinced he'll never touchalcohol again." The timeframe was approaching spring graduation(1986) for Lisa. She was really busy and involved with herboyfriend who she now admits was a goof. She was avoiding herparents and felt that they were avoiding her at that time. Shewasn't home a lot and only saw little bits and pieces of herfamily. "I kind of felt bad that I wasn't more supportive. I105was being kind of selfish, dealing with my own problems. It wasjust that I was kind of, you know, leave me alone, an attitude Ihad." She never went to the family meetings at the centre andstill isn't sure exactly why. "I always thought my dad was thisperfect father and you know, it was like this was a flaw and Ididn't want to admit it. I knew all this time but I didn't wantto admit it. It was kind of a shock ...it was still kind of ashock". She was going through a lot of things and normally wouldhave had her dad to talk to. She had always talked to her dadabout personal things, relationships and things. She felt lefton her own and had to deal with her problems alone. At this timeshe was a bit resentful towards her dad and hates admitting itnow, but at the time it was like "Well come on couldn't you dothis at another time. It's bad timing."Sub Story 17: Insight Into Feelings Jim realized that it was okay for him and everyone else tofeel the same way he did about the hostage incident. In factsince treatment he goes out and talks to other people about theirfeelings. "I go and talk to them all and let them know. I'llsit down with them and blurt out everything about me and what Iwent through". He knew at the time these incidents had occurred,what he was feeling but he was still trying to suppress hisfeelings. Still trying to be the macho guy that is expected ofpolicemen.I guess the best thing that happened was overdrinking andgoing to treatment. Treatment didn't treat my alcoholism ittold me that it was okay. More an opening up and beingable to say to people, blurting it all out, getting rid ofit, taking the monkey off my back and sharing it with other106people. Like a light went on to say that ah...you'realright. You're not weird, you're not weaker then anybodyelse, it's normal, it's acceptable to feel the way you feltand you don't really have to drink to cover it up. I'ddrink to cover it up.Jim felt alone up until he managed to see other people telltheir stories. When it came time for him to get in front of thegroup and talk, once he spoke, it was gone. He can remember tothe day, sitting there and the group began and a realization cameover him:It sort of started and the realization coming, sort ofsitting there listening to the people and rationalizing inmy mind why we're here. A lot of this came to me as to whyI was hiding stuff, why I was covering up. I'm allowed tobe weak and normal like everyone else.He felt acceptance more then anything else. Acceptance ofhimself for:being a weak chicken shit and I'm really not. I'm stillthe big macho cop. I don't even play that part I really am.I've accepted the weak parts, I'm permitted to be weak.The very fact that I can go and admit to guys makes me abigger, tougher macho cop in a way. It almost sounds likeboasting, the fact that I can really feel bad about what Idid, shooting and all this kind of stuff is that I canadmit that I felt bad about it.Time Relevant Excerpts - Lisa's Experience Lisa was experiencing some conflicting feelings towards herdad while Jim was in treatment. On the one hand she wasdisappointed in him for needing help but she was also proud thathe admitted the truth. She wishes now she'd pointed this out atthe time but instead she avoided him. She wasn't involved in thefamily then. They were doing their thing and she was away andquite distanced by them. She wasn't even really sure what washappening. Before she would always know when dinner time was and107when dad would be home but not at this time. She was unaware ofwhether there was still any routine at home.It sort of made him even a stronger person in fact, that hecould admit he had a problem and overcome it rather thenjust not have any problems and not have to face them. In away you could see it was sort of a weakness, it botheredme.Sub Story 20: Further Changes Jim experienced changing from not being true to himself"not being who I really was", feeling weak and incapable offulfilling other's expectations and putting up a front. In hisview this has all changed. He can now tell other policemen whathe feels. The police department and other policemen have alsochanged in his view from being unaccepting, and critical of anyexpression of weakness to hearing and accepting these feelings inspecific "acceptable" situations. For example Jim can go infront of an academy class of the young guys and tell them abouthis shooting, what he went through and what he felt likeafterwards. He believes that he could do this even better nowafter talking now and that the more he talks the more he sees.He credits his counsellor at ^ with making him realize thathe could "be" the way he really was and this wasn't really aweakness but rather he was okay. After he was "rid" of hisproblem it was easy for him to read the other people. Jimbelieves he could have left after a week or two rather then stayin for the whole month. When he did finish, the counsellorsuggested he access alcoholics anonymous and suggested antabuse.Jim declined the antabuse and went to a couple of A.A. meetingsbut decided he didn't really need the backup. He thought abouthis drinking afterwards, it was a big part of his life,108especially the social aspects. He made up his mind to not drinkat all and proclaims that now drinking doesn't even enter hismind. There was one time early on that he had to deal withsaying no to a beer after a golf game, and another incident wherehe was pouring a glass of beer for a friend and had to resistautomatically finishing off what wouldn't fit in the glass. Jimdoesn't know if he could resume drinking socially but doesn'twant to take the chance. "I don't need to therefore I'm notgoing to". He doesn't avoid going out with the guys if they'regoing drinking. In fact he tends bar at policemen's functionsand watches over those he suspects have a drinking problem. Herecognizes the alcoholics and won't pour much for them. He won'tpreach to them but will suggest things instead.What I do is find guys who I know are reaching the bottomand I've sent a lot of guys to treatment as an unofficialemployee assistance program representative. I've taken on alot of different roles since treatment.Sub Story 21: Being A Policeman Now Jim now is involved with the Post Critical CounsellingGroup for the police department. He now takes more time withvictims of crime then he did before, especially since theexperience of his shooting during the hostage incident.Like a young girl with a gun stuck in her face, even theytry not to cry, so I won't let them make them cry in frontof everyone else. But I'm allowed to interview them andtake them away where we won't be disturbed.He likes himself now better then he ever has. He stilltells lies now and again, embellishes things about how great heis. "We'll be telling war stories, you add a little bit". Jimacknowledges now that the atmosphere in the police departmentcreates drinking:109Not so much now, it's changed over the years, but it'sstill there but not nearly as strong. Or maybe I'm one ofthe older guys and I just don't see it. I don't know ifthey're having choir practises, I know some stuff goes onbecause you do hear stories. Yeh they're probably as wildnow as a few years ago. It's just I'm kind of.. .I'vestepped away. When you do grow older you do step away. Youcouldn't keep up the amount that you have to do.Time Relevant Excerpt Young cops still portray to themselves the superman image:You still portray it to yourself to a certain extent.Young cops do it. I've grown out of it but I see the youngguys do it. We still tell war stories to the young guys andthey listen, we still play a game to a certain extent. Youcan't spoil their excitement...yeh they got to go throughit.Time Relevant Excerpt Anne has accompanied Jim to the lectures at the policeacademy that he has given since his treatment. She understandsthat the police department now have a trauma team that work withvictims needing help coping. They've called Jim out late atnight when there's been a shooting and when they need someone tocounsel when they haven't got anybody else. Apparently Jim isvery good at this and Anne understands how he would be. At thesesame lectures she saw Jim on camera immediately after the hostageincident. The video was part of his presentation to the youngrecruits. She also heard about his nightmares and how he wasreliving the whole experience during the night and that itwouldn't go away, it was in his head.CHAPTER 5Introduction Narrative Analysis: Model of Coherence The methodology of this case study intended to emphasizethe essence of change from problem drinking through storytelling. Each co researcher was asked to tell a story of theirdirect experiences and or observations from their uniqueperspective. As stated in chapter 3, Agar and Hobbs model (1982)was selected for the second stage of the narrative analysis.This model was selected for it's method of achieving storycoherence by attending to the whole narrative not just obviousclimactic episodes. The purpose of this analysis is to determinean accurate and complete portrait of the primary co researcher ashe changed from problem drinking. An assumption underlying thisanalysis is that this story is essentially one of a personalidentity - a self "portrait" presentation.1. Review of First Stage of Analysis -Producing a Summary The first level of analysis began with the sub storiesthemselves and evolved to determine how these sub stories coheretogether to form the final negotiated overall story of change.Agar and Hobbs' model emphasized the achievement of storycoherence defined as ways in which parts of an account areconnected together to make a unified meaningful story (Sarbin,1986). This model described three levels of coherence"achievement":110111Local, where each successive utterance is tied toprior ones by syntactic, temporal or causalrelations; global, where utterances exemplify ormove forward the overall intent or point of thestory; and themal, where utterances express generalcultural themes or values. (p. 241)Chapter 4, the Narrative Summary of 35 sub storiesrepresents an attempt to achieve local coherence. The outcome orsummary is the end product of a process aimed to not distort thespoken narratives for all co-researchers.^Initially thisinvolved highlighting and defining the sub stories in a givennarrative. Most sub stories contained their own beginning,middle, ending, plot and main sub story point. It was necessaryat the outset, to not alter the wording or change the temporalordering of the narrative discourse at this stage. Examples ofthe process whereby sub stories were lifted from the verbatimnarrative interview is provided by Appendix J. At the most basiclevel, local coherence is achieved by revealing what was said anddone - the content of the sub story narrative, without distortingor displacing the dialogue. These sub stories were then assigneda number based upon their position in the natural discourse ofthe narrative. From here all numbered sub stories were re-positioned along a chronological time continuum. The product isa composite or collaboration of 35 sub stories making up a finaloverall story of change from problem drinking, with a beginning,middle, ending and plot structure (summarized in appendix K).1122. Overview of Second Stage: Achieving Global Coherence: Portrait and Plot Analysis The portrait of the primary story actor is revealed bydetermining the meaning and plot; and distinguishing the portraitof the story teller from his or her construction of the storycharacter's portrait. Two essential sub story questions areaddressed: what is the main point of this sub story? and what portrait identity is being claimed or represented by the story teller?. These questions address the need for global coherenceacross sub stories and over time. How does this sub story cohereor connect to those surrounding it? Global coherence is achievedby making discoveries concerning repetitions, consistencies andcontradictions using time as one principle of measure (Mishler,1986). Discoveries of patterns across sub stories and storytellers are revealed by a global analysis from the beginning toending of the composite story. A pattern will be defined here asany persistent, conspicuous relationship or portrait featureinfluencing the plot and moving the character in a discernabledirection. A pattern is revealed only after condensing substories to their main points and attending to two contextualdimensions; time and narrative order of discourse. The contextand details change between sub stories, but patterns align andcohere these accounts. A pattern isn't fixed or static and leastof all predictable. Understanding what these patterns are andhow they influence the portrait of the changer is the purpose ofthis second level of analysis.The third level was referred to as themal, by Agar andHobbs (1982). Achieving themal coherence requires looking beyond113the immediate story spoken word, and revealing values of theportrait identified through his life course and changing plotdirections. What is valued isn't necessarily articulated butrevealed by acts and deeds, conflicts and observations.The final points to be raised with this introduction arethe underlying assumptions of the research and this analysis. Inreference to the point of this story and it's componentsubstories, all co researchers are representing themselvesthrough their narrative accounts. They presented themselves tothe researcher during the interview, they presented a part oftheir personhood, identity or self image along with whatever elsewas presented. The co researchers were deeply involved with thisprocess as evidenced through their expressions not only verballybut emotionally. Expressions of laughter, tears, nervousness,and apprehension are essential ingredients of all narrator'sstories.Narrative Plot and Portrait Analysis Prelude and Beginning Sub Stories Jim began his story of change from problem drinking with aprelude. He introduced his story character by briefly describinglife as a child and youth growing up in a small Scottish village.This is represented by sub stories: twelve - vision of being apoliceman and two - family history.Sub story two - family history revealed the origins ofJim's early relationship dynamics. The main point of this114recollection of early life is revealed in what is said aboutrelationships with significant others - inclusive of associationsto drinking.I always drank fairly heavy and this is accepted inScotland. You drink scotch and beer...I came from a family who were non drinkers. My mother wastotally against drinking, brother didn't drink at all.My father drown when we were just little kids.My grandfather was an alcoholic...didn't talk toanyone.Collectively, these statements tell a story of early lifeoriginating with a significant loss and childhood absence ofsignificant relationships. Statements of a father's sudden deathand a grandfather's dour disposition situate the character in acontext of solitude, being apart from others of significance.This sub story introduced two pathways for portrait elaborationas a youth. The initial path was to remain within or aligned tothe family by abiding with the sanctions of non drinking. Frompast family experiences this implied a solitary journey. Thesecond path emerged in the context of others as a youth in thebar. This implied a journey of mutuality, joining andinteraction. Associations between acceptance and drinkingdifferentiated these paths:My mother was totally against alcohol...You had to go drinking with the guys or there'd besomething wrong with you.The main point of this sub story was the character's choiceof peer joining and mutuality in the context of heavy drinking.The strong association to drinking with others and acceptance wascontained in this premise: "You go out and you get drunk, that's115a fact of life." The story plot is revealed by this direction toaffiliation or partnership as one of the guys in association withheavy drinking.The main point of sub story 12, Vision of Being aPoliceman, was the formation of another relationship. As achild, Jim was impressed and excited by the portrait of theheroic policeman. Watching other's performances - actors andlocal policemen, evoked images of the ideal hero with importantattributes and values.Always portrayed in television as good guys with thewhite hats. Sort of the good guys.Don't think I started off because I wanted to helpeveryone and the public.. .to go out and be thegood guy, probably more the excitement of beinga police officer more than anything.Before I became a policeman I always sort of lookedup to..sort of these guys can't do anything wrong...During those times drinking was totally acceptable...The overall point of this sub story was the character'sidentification with a hero image in the portrait of a policeman.Jim observed and admired others who were heroic. For the storycharacter, these observations formed an image rich with valuedqualities, experiences and expectations. Good guys with whitehats amidst excitement and adventure captured Jim's childhoodattention and imagination. A relationship to the myth of such afigure took shape in the form of the big, strong villagepoliceman.Sub story 12 also elaborated upon the character's move fromobserving and idealizing to enacting the ideal in real life. Jimsought compatibility between his evolving self portrait and the116hero by being a policeman. Ultimately he found a perfect fitwhere he could be the childhood hero through his work....I was a policeman in Scotland for three years, thatwas low key in comparison to here. In Scotland I'd havearrested about 15 people, small town, very quiet, ...onehomicide, the only one for 20 years. I never saw a gun.When I came here I'd joined the police department andimmediately went to skid row...high crime...this was totalexcitement....where there was all drugs.. .it was like whatI would have seen in the movies. It was moreof what I thought, the excitement was there.The plot direction proceeded to the character'sperformances representing his heroic ideal. Positive heroicassociations (attributes, values and experiences) were revealedin his choice of work interactions as a policeman. The herovalued excitement and adventure.This prelude to Jim's overall story of change from problemdrinking was significant in terms of the formation of a selfportrait based upon early relationship "patterns" . Thesepatterns are illuminated by the plot to affiliate with a heroicideal by performing as a policeman. At this story point,patterns are loosely defined but a foundation is evident by thecharacter's interactions with others.Preliminary Interaction Patterns 1.^Idyllic Associations Evidence for specific positive associations with the heroideal were captured in the above sub stories. The storycharacter established early valued heroic associations -inclusive of heavy drinking. Partnership, joining, peeracceptance, excitement, adventure, strength and goodness were117identified values. The character's incorporation of these intohis own self portrait was accomplished by becoming a policeman.2.^Strengthening Affiliation by "Interaction Scripts" A "script" was revealed in this prelude as forms ofcommunication between individuals in a given context. Jimenacted or performed in accordance with the rules of the groupand "setting". For example the rules of being one of the guysmeant drinking in the bars - a "bar script". The rules of beinga heroic policeman meant performing feats with adventure andexcitement - a "hero script". The script encompassed not onlythe actual dialogue acceptable in a setting, but nuances,gestures, rules, codes of conduct - all forms of selfrepresentation. The story character performed acceptable scriptsby observing and interacting with others.^This pattern is anextension of pattern one in that heroic/peer, policeman valuesunderscored script dynamics.What you do in a bar and it's acceptable when you're ayoung guy you go out and you get drunk.Heroic Affiliation Being a Policeman The set of sub stories which follow Jim's preludesketched a portrait of the character along a path toward heroicaffiliation. The plot to join the hero was evident in Jim'sinteractions with a police group or culture. The narrativeproceeded with tales of a heroic portrait supported by accountsfrom significant others. The beginning of change from problemdrinking is represented by the following sub stories: 3- ThePolice department and heavy drinking; 22- Paid to drink; 13- One118of the guys at choirpractise; 14- Boredom/Terror; 18- Witnessingdeath; 34- Old style policeman and 6a, b and c- Family life.These sub stories share a temporal dominion of time. Theypreceded change from problem drinking while sketching the idealpoliceman identity. These sub stories address the "before"portrait of a problem drinker from the standpoint "this is how itwas or how it all began - this was me as a policeman."Sub story three, the Police Department and Heavy Drinking,immediately followed family history. The two cohere byemphasizing the same point: Joining with others (peers andpolicemen) meant heavy drinking. The statement "You had todrink" was repeated across both story contexts of joining in apartnership and being one of the guys.When you're a young guy you go out and you get drunk...That's a fact of life.Every time someone moved ... there'd be a party to transferhim over or away and there would be another party acceptinghim. All drinking, heavy drinking.We'd have choirpractises which was a name for policeman'sdrinking parties, from 8 at night to 4 in the morning we'dget together and drink.You had to drink. If you're in a bar with a bunch ofpeople and you had to get up to go to the washroom youcouldn't leave a half filled drink...Paid to drink elaborated on this point from the perspectiveof Jim's wife. Anne echoed the drinking directive assinged topoliccing and working undercover. Her first point is "they" paidhim to drink.They paid him to drink. They sent him out in undercoverwork and they gave him money to drink and be in the beerparlours.They gave him so much money to sit in the beer parloursduring the hippie era. Jim had to fit in as a hippie and119he looked like a hippie with the long hair, beard and thewhole bit.Although Anne was irritated with this undercover directive, theproblem was resolved when Jim was back in uniform.Then he would come out of undercover work and go back intoa regular job in uniform and to my knowledge he never drankat work.In conclusion of this sub story, drinking wasn't views asproblem. In fact Anne saw positive aspects to Jim's drinkingwith the guys.If however, they had a stressful situation at work, whenthe shift was finished, a group of them would go to a placethey called the roof and have a few beers.. .you would needsomething to unwind...Sub stories 13 and 14, One of the Guy's at Choirpractiseand Boredom/Terror respectively, emphasized the importance ofreflecting a heroic or mythical image. Upholding this mythicalhero image are the main points of these two narratives.We are not allowed to be weak...we've got to be macho.That's the image we perceive everyone else has of us...itreally isn't the real image that other people have of us.It isn't reality.This point was highlighted by recalling episodes of intensityduring police interactions. The sub story, One of the guys atchoirpractises, chronicled intensity through the build up ofarousal - excitement and terror during a policeman's drinkingparty. Here excitement was associated with drinking, storytelling, fun, camaraderie and game playing. The accompanyingpolice group image was upheld by a choirpractise scriptassociated with heavy drinking.Are we going to party tonight? Okay everybody what are wedrinking? Scotch, rye, beer, you get the scotch, I'll getthe ice, we'll meet at the roof.120At the roof we'd be just standing around telling warstories, just recounting the adventures of the day and daybefore and just lying to one another like we normally did.We decided we'd play a little gambling game ... It's asheer terror thing...we ran away, they chased us and nobodygot killed. Then we drank some more.The idea was to come down from the shift.. .it didn'thave that effect.The sub story Boredom/Terror was an extension of the abovepoint: Upholding a heroic police image in the face of intensityand arousal. In addition to this point, the story illuminatedfleeting glimpses of unheroic self portrait "encounters".Repeatedly, the sub story stressed loyalty to the heroic policeportrait and the need to protect others.You never tell your wife what you were doing that day. Youcan mention things in passing, you always make light ofstuff. You can't really get out and say how you reallyfelt about something. I would go home and tell a story notintending to keep anything a secret but leave out certainthings if they were dangerous. I would gloss over thingsthat made me feel bad such as all the gory stuff.The real feelings encountered during episodes of intensity, werehidden and this was reinforced by the "police" script emphasizingstrength and protection.You protect your family from the really heavy stuff...weare not allowed to be weak.Two points were highlighted by the above sub storiesestablishing the major plot direction. The first is thataffiliation to the ideal and to the police group was contingentupon one's ability to perform with heroic conviction. The secondpoint was heroism required putting up a front, not showingweakness or "how you really felt".The sub story 18, Witnessing Death elaborated on how thestory character performed heroically as a policeman. Police121interactions during life and death situations provided clarity asto how Jim remained affiliated with his ideal and groupcounterparts: Cover up your feelings at all costs if theydiminish the hero image. Witnessing death revealed how toachieve this "cover up" by using sarcasm and sick humour at thesight of death. Jim's remark "hang in there baby" at the sightof a man who had committed suicide was explained as a way ofremaining strong and heroic.It's like a self protection, you make light of death. I'veseen worse then that since, much worse. You get use to itafter a while. The sick humour really comes out whenanother policeman dies. We all know we're doing it whenthings are really difficult.Contained in this "script" are directives or instructions abouthow to perform and how not to perform. This script influencedand shaped Jim's portrait and correspondingly strengthened thepatterns of affiliation first discovered in the prelude.Sub story 34, Old Style Policing, captured the essence ofJim's character in absolute harmony with his performance "walkingthe beat on skid row". There are two main points raised in thisaccount by Anne. The first point again is the affiliation andunity interplay between his police performance and his idealimage.He didn't care if he ruffled feathers, he just loved thework. He got along with almost all the people he workedwith.. .They had good times, they had good laughs.Jim had fights in back alleys just like the old stylepoliceman.Jim was with his buddies, the drug addicts down on skidrow. They would call him "a nickname".. .He helped them outin a lot of ways.. .they had this trust in one another. ToJim that was being a policeman.122The second point is a statement of this narrator's identity; whowas Anne and how did she present herself at that time?There were a lot of things in Jim's younger years that hewouldn't tell me for fear it would frighten me...I wouldjust be...terrible...horrible.I didn't like the big city.. .with all these people.As years went by I found it became easier and came to knowthat the people Jim locked up were in a way a friend.Implicit in Anne's narrative is a reciprocal heroic expectationor an interdependence between her fears and Jim's hero portrayal.The main point of sub story 6a, Family Life, was that Jimwas a responsible, conscientious family man - a good provider.These portrait qualities were disclosed in the followingstatements.I never got involved in crazy things which affected myfamily.I was a quiet drinker, the one who sat in the corner...I always provided a steady good income...I always tried tolook after my family so I always tried to look after mydrinking.Drinking enhanced the portrait of a good family man by enhancinginteractions with family members. It was an associated withbeing talkative, expressive and liked.I believe my family, especially my eldest daughter liked mebetter when I drank...I could express my emotions better.In conclusion, drinking was positively associated with certainvalued family interactions. Providing, protecting, togethernessand closeness were enhanced by the character's drinking at thisstory time frame.Anne echoed this positive association between drinking andfamily affiliation in sub story 6b.123It was no big deal, he would smile and he was fine. Hedidn't get obnoxious, boisterous or rude but was happy,mellow and easy going.My youngest daughter remarked "I wish my dad drank again,he was easier to get along with" and he was!For Anne, Jim's drinking was a part of many of his familyinteractions and not with a serious problem.^Her portraitsketch of Jim was consistently in opposition to her beliefregarding that of an "alcoholic".I believed an alcoholic was somebody who didn't hold a job,who didn't really have a home. I knew he drank too muchand that annoyed me... but he was never an aggressivedrunk, in fact he was very, very mellow and very easy toget alone with.I never thought of him as an alcoholic. My father use todrink but to me this was just on weekends so he too wasn'tan alcoholic, just a drinker like so many Scotsmen are.This non alcoholic/non problem "image" was upheld in the face ofnegative portrait encounters by Anne.I would go off to bed if I knew he'd had a few drinks, justlike I remembered doing when my dad drank too much. Ididn't like talking to my dad either because he too wentchildlike.In conclusion two points were stressed: One concerning theportrait of the story character and the other concerning that ofthe storyteller. Both perspectives strengthened familyinteractions and affiliation. The first point is that Jim andAnne's sketch of the story character as a family man werecompatible. They shared the view of him being a heroic familyman. The second point revealed qualities of Anne's portraitidentity. Anne's vision of Jim as heroic and not an alcoholicwas maintained by the contrasting extreme negative image of analcoholic. In comparison with the skid row derelict, the storycharacter's portrait remained consistently heroic.124When I said to the girls that dad is an alcoholic, Lisasaid "well mom you look like you're shocked. He's been analcoholic for a long time! Mom do you know what analcoholic is?" and of course I didn't, but I assumed allalong that an alcoholic was the derelict, skid row type ofperson.Sub story 6c, Family Life from Lisa's view, coincided andverified the above two family man portrait accounts.My dad was never obnoxious or violent or anything upsettingwhen he drank. He was just kind of funny, mellow andrelaxed.I never saw it interfere with his job or with his family.We always did things together and he never drank so muchthat anyone had to say anything.Drinking was sort of there but not enough to complainabout.The stated point is that "dad's" interactions with his familywere as they should have been. They did things together anddrinking didn't interfere with family life.Sub story 35, Late Night Chats With Lisa, was anelaboration of Jim's portrait as a father while interacting withLisa as a child. The main point of this sub story is that Lisaand her dad had a special close relationship during late nightchats when she was a child.I remember being really close and the two of us would sittogether late at night after school and talk. I would dohomework during the night and as we chatted I'd notice mydad go to the kitchen frequently.So I use to watch this happen and eventually I'd pour hiswine into the plants hoping he'd think he'd been drinkingmore then he really had.I was becoming more and more aware of his drinking... and Iwould do things in turn. It started to become funny thatway.I think he thought he was fooling me into thinking hewasn't drinking as much and didn't realize how much Ireally knew.125I almost hate admitting it now, but I miss our chatstogether. We use to have a lot of discussions and ofcourse when he wasn't sober he could talk to me more likean adult ...we would have a lot of great talks and he wouldrelate to me more on his own level, more as an equal, thana daughter.We would talk quite openly and it was really great.. .1think it was due both to my age at the time and my dad'sdrinking, but more due to my age.Closeness was associated with both his drinking and her youngage. Excerpts from the original transcripts that coincided withthe same time frame of these late night chats supported thepoints raised thus far and illuminated features of thefather/daughter interaction at that time.It was that kind of open relationship where I could discusspersonal things. If he'd been drinking he would be morerelaxed and act "fatherly" like.I would tell my friends how great my dad was and that wedid this and that. At the time I thought it was funny. Meand my sister had this perfect family...I developed high standards of my dad.The second point refers to the storyteller's self portrait atthat time. As a young child Lisa had high standards of her dad.He fit her ideal father portrait and she would remark about howgreat he was to her schoolmates. Her portrait ideal wascompatible with Jim's own heroic ideal. Drinking was a componentof this compatibility - perceived to contribute to thespecialness of their relationship. Dad's problem drinking wastheir secret.The main points revealed in the above sub stories reaffirmthe significance of those early interaction patterns which tookshape in the story prelude. The majority of these subsequentstory vignettes concluded by reasserting the importance of the126heroic portrait positively associated with heavy drinking.During these sub story time frames, Jim was united with his heroideal and significant others at work and in the family context.They shared similar values and positive associations with heavydrinking. Unity was revealed by the story teller's closingremarks for many of the beginning vignettes. There wasconsistent reference made to Jim's happiness, other'scontentment, and essentially that all was well with his portrayalof a hero policeman. Each happy ending was a declaration ofunity and affiliation with drinking positively associated to both- the ideal and significant others.Interactive Patterns: Affiliation 1.^Interactive pattern of arousal Most sub stories described a pattern of emotional arousal inassociation to the performance of policing. The persistence andrepetition of seeking, generating and partaking in episodes ofarousal form the structure or shape of this pattern.In actual fact the job really consists of 90 percentboredom, nine percent excitement and one percent sheerterror.Everytime someone moved from one job to another there wouldbe a party... this all involved drinking, heavy drinking.It's a sheer terror thing.. .Other times if there was anexciting shift they would have a choirpractise andeverybody would talk about it. It was an extension of theshift.He could still get the jolts and the good feelings.Yeh it's a real rush, you don't know what's going tohappen. That was excitement and I really enjoyed that partof the job. If you had it all the time it would kill you.127Terrified.. .so it's.. .excitement as well. Terror's there,excitement's there ...Yes, yes that's the excitement part of the thing...He slept on weekends.I always worked in high profile jobs. I was always at theforefront.. .1 made more drug arrests then anyone else atthe time. I was a hustler and a worker and I got into itand enjoyed it.Arousal typically involved interaction performances with otherpolicemen by way of partying, joining rituals, job relateddangers and associated work performances. The inherent dangersof undercover and street work were recaptured through "warstories" contributing further to the arousal experienced duringdrinking parties.2. Pattern: Reference to an External Source of Authority The linguistic terminology used by the storytellerraised this pattern from script dialogues of Jim's actions andacceptable police performances. Jim and Anne deferred to theexternal authority influencing and directing Jim's actions anddecisions (with specific reference to drinking). The police groupconsisting of rules, codes of conduct and an authority hierarchybecame the principle external source of power for Jim. Hesurrendered happily to the group and acted as a part of thecollective police identity.^Jim seldom took the active positionof "I" in his expressions of early police experiences. Insteadhe and Anne frequently deferred to the second and third person asthe active agent directing his motives, actions and decisions:128You had to drink, you had to.What you got to remember we are very macho, you can't sayyou're ah...you can't cry.. .you can't admit you feelbad.. .you've got to be the big tough guy. .regardless of howyou feel.We are not allowed to be weak.. .we've got to be macho.They paid him to drink, they sent him out, they gave himmoney... he had to fit in.A portrait identity theme emerged from this pattern.Responsibility and choice over one's decisions, actions andmotives was a group determination. Jim voiced his policeresponsibilities and choices not from the individual or persona"I" but instead used the group or other voice "we"; or thesecond person "you" as a directive to the listener.3.^Pattern of Fantasy and Illusion This pattern emerged in the context of interactionsassociated with stimulation and arousal. The transparency ofthese patterns is evident in how they move among one another toadd strength to being a strong and heroic police portrait.Fantasy, story telling, mystery and drama together with heavydrinking further enhanced heroic excitement and fun.It was what I would have seen in the movies. I found thestory the "Choirboys" to be almost true to life in relationto the amount of drinking that went on.On one occasion he woke up in the middle of the night andhe acted as if he were in a drug bust.. .he jumped me onenight for drugs to get them out of my mouth.You still portray it (superman). We still tell war storiesto the young guys and they listen...we still play agame.. .you can't spoil their excitement.The upside of drinking was camaraderie, having fun like abunch of kids.129Books could be written about our experiences as cops.Stories could be written about ordinary cops being chaseddown sidewalks with their own police cars by theirgirlfriends...I could really relate to that book. It captured theimagination of nearly every cop.If he was in a beer parlour and was asked to step outside,he'd step outside. I remember one story...Jim's reality during police performances had similar featureswith story book adventures of "cops and robbers". He used termssuch as "stepped outside", "walking the beat", "bad guys" todescribe early police experiences. Happy times policing werereminiscent of story book police drama. He dreamed about theseadventures while working undercover. His self portrait changedwith the performance and drama of his situation. Althoughportrait features changed, allegiance to the hero remainedconstant - indeed his hero originated in drama and storybookaccounts. A final feature of this pattern is the recollectivenature of Jim's early life and self portrait. He relished heroicreminiscence. Being affiliated to this heroic portrait meantrevisiting a time where he was impressed by adventure andexcitement. Return to past heroic exploits strengthenedaffiliation to the hero and the group.4.^Pattern of Allegiance to the Heroic MythThis pattern represented a practical necessity in themaintenance of a strong, powerful or heroic self portrait. Itwas revealed in a few sub stories where intensity and fear occursuch as in life/death experiences. There was a dualityassociated with the heroic self portrait identified as a "front".The purpose of this front was to remain affiliated with the130heroic portrait across all experiences of policing, regardless ofother non heroic encounters:What's inside is what you really feel like but you'reportraying to everybody else something very different.Once they get through the macho stuff I'm sure we all feelthe same way.They're acting as if it doesn't bother them whereas reallyit is bothering you.You become sort of immune after a little while.. .it's stillthere and you, we do a lot of covering up. We cover upwith each other as well, like a natural instinct to shoveit off to one side and make light of it.But that's a cover.., you make light of death.The cover up was built into the policeman's script of appropriatecommunications and conduct. Attending to non heroic "bothersome"encounters was not permissible. Over time, with practise, Jimbecame adept at "shoving" these weaknesses off to one side,playing the appropriate part.5.^Pattern of Episodic Fragmentary Realities This pattern is alluded to in patterns one and three.Jim's early life plot consisted of episodes of performances whichdiffered dramatically from one another. Switching from oneperformance "persona" to another required changing appearance,acquaintances, mannerisms, language and context. Drinkingpatterns also changed depending upon the persona. Jim's ownaccounts of the intense experiences of policing indicated heattended to fragments, acceptable bits to be contained within theepisode. In essence, this is a pattern of limiting one'sawareness or attention to acceptable "bits". The performance131script enhanced this selective awareness by not permitting Jim todwell, linger or reflect on negative experiences.You leave out certain things... you would gloss over it.You leave out all the gory stuff...It would have beenbetter if I did talk about it all and get it all out.We're not allowed to be weak. We've got to be macho.This account illustrates how these patterns work in synchronytogether. There is an example of fragmentation and allegiance tothe heroic persona "you leave out certain things.. .you wouldgloss over it.."; an example of an individual self identification"It would have been better if I did talk about it all"; and anexample of how and why this "I" was superseded by the externalsource of power or collective "we" "We're not allowed to be weak.We've got to be macho".Another example of fragmentation was the reduction of apoliceman's emotional repertoire of experiences during intenseepisodes to the following police script formula: "90 percentboredom, nine percent excitement and one percent terror". Thisscript limited and reduced the many possibilities of Jim'semotional experiencing of an event. It focused his attention onthree acceptable emotional states.Fragmentation enhanced heroic affiliation by limiting thecompleteness of a given experience. The totality of experiencingterror had to be resolved heroically within the confines of thescript and time of occurrence. Jim discovered that time andreflection resulted in non heroic self discoveries.When you suddenly become terrified the first time someonesticks a gun in your face and you realize I could die rightnow. It doesn't go through your mind but for some timeafter it, you realize I may have a badge, I may have a gunbut somebody can kill me quite easily.132Continuity of behaviors, presentation, and other personalqualities appeared fleeting and fragmentary during his early lifeplot. Who am I changed depending upon where I am and who I'mwith, but the performance consistently enhanced a heroic selfportrait. Initially however, these beginning sub storiespresented Jim as a heroic policeman regardless of the storyteller.Changing Plot Directions The character's self portrait sketched by beginning substories faced a major challenge as a result of his firstexperience shooting another person. How he encountered thischallenge and what subsequent turns or changes occurred in hislife plot, represent the middle of the story of change fromproblem drinking. The middle section of the overall narrative isrepresented by the following sub stories: 4a,4b -The hostageincident; 5 -Being in the SWAT team; 15 -A rough time;7a,b,c, -Sneaking drinks at home; 9 -Insight into me; 36 -Growingup/Lisa's story; 25 a,b,c -Losing Dan; Degradation excerpt.Following these are the sub story transitions and climax: 8 -Going downhill and 1 -Woke up. The above ordering coincided withthe approximate time sequencing of the events over a four yearperiod.Middle Sub Stories New Self Discoveries: Change and Challenge to heroic affiliation Sub story 4a told of a significant traumatic life event forthe story character. Jim shot two people, a woman hostage and agunman/abductor "the bad guy". The combination of having shot133someone at close range and then seeing the physical aftermath,"bleeding all over" were potent catalysts for change and upheaval-raising discoveries of unheroic portrait features. The pointemphasized by this sub story was that the character "discovered"portrait changes but preferred to appear unchanged..What you got to remember is we are very macho. You can'tsay that your're ah...you can't feel bad about somethinghappening. You've got to be the big tough guy regardlessof how you feel. The front has to be there.Several discernable portrait changes followed this identificationof feeling badly. Although Jim had made references to feelingbadly about other intense experiences, this event was pivotal init's ability to upset his portrait balance. Certain changesoccurred immediately after the incident whereas others tooklonger to unfold.^The first portrait "alteration" was theidentification of a persisting feeling which didn't fit with thecorrect macho experience. He didn't feel courageous, powerful orstrong but instead felt badly. Subsequent alterations werevisible to Jim directly and were associated with this incident -having nightmares, not sleeping well and drinking more heavilyand as a way of alleviating sleeping problems.I developed a bit more of a drinking problem after that.. .1discovered it was easier to get to sleep if I was halfswacked...This was the one that set me up for good to getinto it.I felt badly, I had nightmares and couldn't sleepafterwards.The emotional impact of having shot another for the first time,still effects Jim today, nine years later.To this day I have difficulty recalling the details... Ican't remember what the guy looks like, I can't rememberdates. I've avoided them all it's still there.134To understand the full scope of portrait change discoveriesfollowing this experience, thought must also be given to thesubtle delicate changes which were indirectly presented in thisand successive sub stories. Subtle portrait changes occurredthroughout sub stories four and five. The first subtle portraitchange was an inner discovery or "encounter" of disunity orestrangement from heroic portraits of self and others. Thisencounter metaphorically relates to being out of character -being removed or cast aside from the police portrait. Feelingbadly about having shot another person while performing as a SWATteam member, was an out of character encounter - a contradiction.The bad feeling experience which lingered unabated by his policescript, was kept secret from others. Secrecy or concealmentmarked the plot following Jim's experience of being out ofcharacter to his heroic portrait ideal. The plot turned in twodirections pertaining to two contrary self portrait encounters:One encounter was with the heroic macho portrait that wore "bigguns" and performed as if to shoot another and the secondencounter was much less defined and familiar. This was theunspoken, unnamed portrait that never intended to shoot anyone,never believed this would be happen.I'd pointed my gun at people lots of times but never pulledthe trigger before, it never happens.. .it always happens toother people.Jim's experience of being set apart, estranged from hisheroic portrait, was visibly enacted by turning away from groupcamaraderie or fun and games associated with drinking, towardsolitariness and isolated drinking. Sub story four described anencounter with a self portrait who was unheroic and different, a135problem drinker who had nightmares and felt badly. The preferredportrait presented to others remained tough and heroic.Portrait changes were revealed explicitly in the narrative,but symbolically as well. Sub stories four and five share twonarrative dimensions; order of narrative discourse and associatedtime of occurrence. As a result they illuminate subtle cluesabout Jim's portrait changes.Sub story 5, Being in the SWAT team accentuated the pointor theme of estrangement by reference to lost features of theheroic portrait. Jim recollected how another SWAT officer losthis "face" in a raid and died unrecognizable: "He was wearing amask.. .you couldn't recognize who he was". A bond oridentification to this team member was firmly established: theyshared the same surname, the same uniform, performed the sameSWAT routines and went through the same SWAT training program.The teammate mirrored Jim's own heroic portrait prior to thetrauma. The recounting of this account was significant in it'sassociation with Jim's account of the hostage incident. Both substories cohere through the experience of being separated fromheroic others - and losing essential portrait features. Theoutcome, estrangement was reasserted at the end of this substory.You could talk tough but not about how you really felt. Ididn't feel tough inside. I felt the pressure of not beingable to get out what you really are.136New Plot: Resistance Anne's narrative account of the Hostage Incident in substory 4b, filled in many of the gaps and clarified questionsraised in the above sub stories concerning the finer details andnuances of portrait and plot changes. The main point of this substory was that the story character wasn't as he appeared to be,and that he fooled everyone into believing there was no problemor concern. Initially Anne was surprised to learn about theseparate realities symbolized by using a gun.When you joined the police department and they handed you agun you had to know why! Surely to God you know the reasonthey've handed you a gun! Jim said It No, most people nevereven pull their gun out of their holster".The family contributed to the heroic image of policing and theassociated expectation of having to shoot someone. Jim'sdaughters were impressed that he was now a "real" policeman.Wow you mean dad finally got to use his gun, he's a realpoliceman now.Jim presented a strong outward persona to others that fit withtheir heroic ideals/expectations and his own. The presence of aseparate secretive or concealed reality for the story characterwas illuminated by Jim's physical deterioration and illnessimmediately following the hostage incident.Months after this Jim started having heart problems. Wewent through a long time of him having pains in his chest.The guys at work took him to the hospital by ambulance...they couldn't find anything wrong.Some people said "Well it's stress from the shooting"(Jim's comment) "No. Why would I have stress from that?"And I believed him.At the time, each person maintained their heroic imagesregardless of Jim's physical illness. Many years later Anne saw137a different portrait view of Jim, after watching a video fromnews archives of this hostage incident.When I saw him on video I understood what was reallygoing on for him at that time. The camera had picked upJim when he was being taken away. He turned back and sawthe gunman lying on the ground and I could read on his facehow he felt. " Oh my God I did this to another humanbeing?" another look around and "Yes I did that". I couldsee this so clearly on that video...I said Jim you had so much pain on your face. You had usall convinced! He thought he was a horrible person forhaving shot another human being and that other people mustalso think so...Video taped footage and Jim's own accounts verified the changessuggested by sub stories four and five. Jim was removed orestranged from the heroic portrait, by the discovery of unheroicfeelings of remorse, guilt, "pain" from shooting another humanbeing. These feelings were unacceptable and out of character inperforming as a policeman. Consequently he had to fool peopleinto believing he wasn't changed - that he was still tough andunaffected.Sub story 15, A Rough Time, expanded on the main point ofestrangement from the heroic self portrait. The plot to concealunheroic discoveries was proceeded by either distancing oneselffrom others or trying to changing police interaction scripts.Initially Jim entered a private, secretive world where hereflected on portrait changes- both experienced and anticipated.Secretly he thought about changing jobs and quitting the policeforce - disengaging from other policemen/heroes. He also thoughtabout quitting drinking entirely and privately admitted he had areal unyielding problem.I managed to keep the quantity ingested down sometimes, butit was always there.138He felt trapped by both his job and his problem drinking. Atthis time he seriously reflected on his feelings following thehostage incident, and attempted to reconcile himself with theSWAT team and his heroic self portrait. Reconciliation wasattempted through changing the SWAT performance "script".Whenever we'd go to a scene I'd say -Ah, we're going hereto this shooting scene and you might have to kill somebody.Some of the guys laughed about it....I was trying to warn and prepare them. Make them getinto the right headset about what they were doing becausewe'd always treated it as excitement or fun until it reallyhappens to you.You know you may have to kill somebody or somebody may killyou. I couldn't get it through to them. They made a jokeof it. When we'd be out drinking afterwards somebody wouldsay "I'll always remember you saying that Jim. 'You mighthave to kill somebody today'.Jim failed in his attempt to change the SWAT script to includewhat he'd encountered....it was now less fun and games and more of somethingelse. It's something you got to work at more.In the end Jim created a distance -disengaged from these heroicothers entirely for a year and a half, opting for a regularpolice routine. He then returned to the emergency response teamas a isolated, lone sniper where he was in control at a safedistance from the other. His concluding remarks revealed whatchanged for him as a result of all these experiences and whyconcealment was imperative.They all put up fronts and you didn't know what they werefeeling. Many of them ended up quitting the job ...notwanting to quit right afterwards because that would showthey were chicken shit.There's always that front there. We are big, macho toughmen, we're not allowed to be weak in any way and here was I...I was weak.139The plot to conceal by created a safe distance wasn't due todisenchantment with his heroic portrait - but instead from havingfailed the portrait ideal. In comparison to others he was weakand unworthy of remaining affiliated with other heroes.There's obviously something wrong with me in comparison toeveryone else. I can't hack it any more as a cop. So youput up the front, you tough it out and you drink.That's the time I started drinking on my own. In fact thechoir practises for me stopped then. Instead of drinkingfor fun and drinking with the boys and having fun, to justdrinking.The portrait themes revealed as this sub story progressed, wereestrangement, discovery of unheroic features or lost heroism,weakness, failure and problem drinking.Sub story 7, Drinking Habits At Home, emphasized a plotdirection away from drinking with the guys towards solitarydrinking at this time. The main point emphasized concealment ofa weak self portrait while portraying a heroic portrait image.This interaction and self portrait dynamic was played outconcretely by both engaging in solitary drinking and concealmentof solitary drinking. In this sub story context, "toughing itout" and "drinking" were endeavours at concealing being weak.This was achieved by the story character's altered scriptrepertoire of actions, rituals, beliefs and performancesconcerning his drinking en route to home. The script was one ofhiding and pretence revealing portrait qualities or themes ofself and other's deception.I'd drink the miniature on his way to the car and thenconsume the mickey while driving the final distance home.I believed the effects of the alcohol would not have had achance to show...140When I arrive in the house, I'm still sober, it hasn't gonethrough the system. I know how alcohol affects people, Iknow how it affected me.The homemade wine would be topped up with vodka or otherhard liquor.I was hiding and would hide any other bottle I had in theworkshop or basement. I'd have another glass of wine, withthe excuse that it's not too bad to have two glasses ofwine.Later on I'd pretend to go to bed, go to bed and say I'mnot tired and so I'd pretend to get up and read for awhile. Instead I'd drink some more.This detailed ritual of pretence aimed at others ultimately hadthe same effect upon Jim. What began as deception of othersprogressed to self deception.So it was never, I thought, really that noticeable for therest of the family. I found out later on that yeh, it wasmore noticeable. I found out that my wife knew and both mydaughters.There was never really anything that I can recall wherethey said 'Dad you've got to stop drinking you're drinkingtoo much.'There must have been criticism, but nothing heavy enough.I always did everything right. I always took home thewages, never beat the kids, always provided so what was Idoing wrong?Jim's conflicting portrait realities were evident by theabove script dialogue: The heroic portrait never beat the kids,brought home the wages and always provided. The weaker portraithid bottles in the basement, drank bottles en route home fromwork and topped up wine with vodka. The portraits wereopposites: one meant strength, power, affiliation and heroism;the other failure, alienation and weakness.Sub story 7b verified Jim's pretences and hiding a problemdrinker self portrait. It also verified the compatibility and141interplay between the heroic portrait he chose to present and theheroic portrait Anne chose to see:I was really checking up on him now. I would have pulledthe bottle out of the bag and said 'What's this, anotherbottle! Why do we need this are we having company? No'But still an alcoholic? Never! I wouldn't marry analcoholic. I just wouldn't. Definitely somebody that washaving a problem with drinking...I did notice he would have glasses of milk and I'd think'he doesn't usually drink milk' so I would take it andfound it had something else in it, sit it right back infront of him and say ' I know what's in that!'I became aware more after we moved to the farm. There wasalways a time when I said 'You're drinking too much, Idon't like you drinking as much.'Although she did "notice little things", and did confront him onoccasion, her portrait view of Jim remained heroic. Lisa'saccount in sub story 7c verified the pretence of Jim's problemdrinking script:He'd go to the kitchen and I would say 'uh, uh, uh' as he'dbe pouring wine about to drink it.I believe my dad would try and fool me into thinking hewasn't drinking quite as much...Sub story nine - Insight into me focused further on theunfolding of portrait changes and new discoveries. The mainpoint being conflicting portraits - one of weakness and problemdrinking and the other of strength and non problem drinking. Thefirst portrait followed a path of failed expectations, attemptsto meet demands, getting further behind, and drinkingproblematically:I have a little hobby farm where I grow beef, raise steers,chickens....I also commute an hour to and from work.. .spendany spare time at home doing leather work. I discoveredthere was a lot going on including all the physicallabour.., too much, way too much. I could never catch up.142I could never get anything done properly because I alwaystook on too much. Guys are always asking me 'Jim can youmake me up things, can you make me a wallet' I say 'Yes Ican do it'. I like to please people.Weekends were a good time to be drinking. I'd be workingon the farm and start to realize I was just getting furtherand further behind. I knew what drinking was doing tome...that I couldn't keep up with the demands of thephysical labour around the farm.I discovered that drinking also prevented me from gettingthings done. I knew what drinking was doing to me...In contrast Jim's heroic portrait diminished these weakerdiscoveries by boosting strength and heroic affiliation. Thefollowing script reestablished Jim as a hero with physicalprowess whereby drinking was again a positive heroic association.As long as he was physically fit, he wasn't an alcoholic. Bothcontrary viewpoints flowed temporal narrative order in thenatural discourse of this sub story:I've always been physically active, always worked outalmost every day at work. Instead of having lunch I'd graba sandwich and go to the gymn, workout and run. I alwayssaid 'I'll never be an alcoholic because I'll always workit out of my system. I kept in shape.You see I was a cop in Scotland and that was a reallyaccepted part of the job over there, was drinking.This self dialogue illustrates the structure of a plot thatwas more complex then that contained by a one dimensional path.The initial plot direction of concealment became more elaborateand diverse over time. The plot branched in to directions duringthe middle of this narrative. The first pathway was representedabove by distancing and isolation from the group. This pathwayled to unheroic portrait encounters experienced in solitude andon reflection. The story character associated weakness, problemdrinking and other failings or unheroic features with this143portrait. The second pathway although similar in it's intent atconcealment, differed in it's portrait features. This is a pathwhich emphasized pretence and avoidance by accentuating heroicfeatures and performances. The character changed portraitfeatures in accordance with the interaction context - self andothers. In solitude the predominant portrait encounter is withthe weak problem drinker; with others Jim pretends to be heroicand strong.Resisting Portrait Changes in Self and Others Lisa's story is a presentation of her self portraitchanging from a child to a young adult. The dynamics of herrelationship with her father were influenced by the followinginteractive changes: Lisa's changing self portrait; her father'sproblem drinker portrait; and their respective portrait images ofthe family man/protector. The main point of this story is thatLisa was changing and growing up:I don't know if that's just the drinking or if it's my ageas well cause it's like right at the end of highschool soit was that age group. It was more like I was his littlegirl growing up, he was a little bit more closed aboutspeaking to me, I think it was partially because of theage...The process of their changing closeness to separation wasn'tabrupt but occurred over time as both experienced each other'schanging self portraits.Very gradual, it wasn't anything obvious or anything hetalked about it was just.. .becoming less and less. AndI didn't want to see it.It was because he wasn't fitting my ideal maybe. You knowI was beginning to see errors and flaws in the way he saidthings. He always had these ideas about the way thingswere in the world. I was starting to form my own views. Iwas starting to disagree with him.144I was beginning to see he didn't have a backup for thedrinking. He didn't have a reason. He always seemed tohave reason and logic and it didn't seem to be a problem.And I wasn't as aware that the drinking was a problem. Itas just a part of dad and at the time it was kind ofacceptable.It was getting less acceptable. You don't have a reasonfor this. And it wasn't just the drinking - we would maybehave arguments about something.. .Now it was becoming 'Noyou're wrong dad'. I was becoming more independent,different attitudes.. He was losing his influence overme...Lisa reflected on how her father wasn't the same anymore inrelation to protecting the family:Well it was kind of strange, usually dad sort of takescare of the family. And when dad acts like this, mom takescare of the family. But I would sort of feel protectivetowards my mom because I knew she had to deal with this.For a time we let dad believe he was the only one involvedin his drinking. That he was the only one suffering, butreally the whole family was involved in his drinkingproblem.She actively resisted her father's pretences regarding hisdrinking and other family matters.I was getting to the age where he couldn't pretend anymore.I wasn't the little kid anymore and also I was starting togo to parties...My mom was becoming more vocal and I guess with more selfconfidence.. .She was tolerant, way too tolerant. My mom'sdad use to drink in bouts and he'd get drunk and my momwould be mortified. I think she didn't want to admit thatshe too had married an alcoholic.I became more vocal first. I was really shy as a littlekid but as I started to grow older I realized that my dadmight have a loud bark but there was no bite. I would sayto him directly what I was thinking.This process occurred slowly and with subtlety over several yearsto reach a climax of mutual departure at the year of hergraduation:145I believe that my dad didn't have me the same way Ididn't have him. I was avoiding him and I wasn't such alittle kid anymore.I wasn't really there for him to listen to...And I wasn'tas tolerant you know. And if he was upset about somethingI'd go up, you know, I'd just, yeh go to my room. I wassort of abandoning him a little bit... I was being kind ofstressful, becoming less close and he didn't have me and Ididn't have him as much ...and his job at that point wasreally stressful. My mom was becoming a little more angryabout things. I do think he was drinking more. I use togo to his workshop and find bottles in his workshop and Iknew he was making more wine.The loss of Jim's best friend was recalled in sub stories25a,b, and c; by Anne, Lisa and Jim in his letter to Danfollowing Dan's death. The stories began with recollections ofthe growing closeness the of this friendship, firstly describedby Anne:They worked together when they were young, they werepartners. They worked together again in internalinvestigation and then they moved together from thatdepartment to...major crimes.The two of them had a vicious sense of humour, theyoffended a lot of people and had fun with it. They poked alot of fun at people, even in the hospital.They had this really close communication where they couldsay things like that to one another.In Jim's letter to Dan following his death, this closenesswas conveyed as more than the ability to joke and poke fun atpeople. The letter written to Dan included personal disclosuresand new self discoveries not mentioned to anyone else.I know you never really believed me when I told you that Iwas an alcoholic.I'm ...learning I'm not as macho or controlled as I thoughtI was.146I worked with a lot of different guys on the job andenjoyed working with most of them, but you were differentin some ways. I probably used you as a sounding board formy thoughts and fears. I probably opened up to you morethan I ever did with anyone else. After all I told youthat I was an alcoholic long before I admitted it to anyoneelse, even my wife. We had lots of good times together.The next sub story passage from Anne's narrative emphasized thedistinction or rift between Jim's outward self portrait and hisinner experiences following Dan's death:Jim had to step in ...he took over. He got Susan fromschool, he got the girls from school and he was just therefor Dan's family. He was busy, he was doing things, he wasactive. He was at the funeral, he never really saidgoodbye to Dan, he didn't let go.I didn't know it at the time but Jim had told Dan 'I'm analcoholic and I need help...but I'm not ready for thehelp'.He stayed strong for Dan's wife and children. He didn'ttalk about losing Dan. He joked the odd time but Scotsmenare famous for joking about death. It was his way ofhandling it but he didn't bring it up at all...Any conversation related to Dan was more to do with Dan'swife and children...Jim's letter to Dan acknowledged the changes occurring withinhimself at the time of writing and the during these events:When we were in the hospital and we both realized thatyou'd had a heart attack I still held onto my emotions.The doctors and nurses must have thought I was a realasshole ..I was making heart jokes. You.. .became yourusual sarcastic self but the fear was there. The morningof your death was just like any other day. You lookedfine.. .when Al grabbed me and said 'Dan's collapsed in thegymn he doesn't look good'. ( I'm crying )I remember screaming at you.. .then I had to gain control.I gave myself something to do, I became methodical. Iknew you were dying and probably even dead so I thought ofall the things that had to be done. I was still in controland now it was easier because I had someone to look after.How I comforted them. I couldn't feel their pain. I wasvery strong and business like. I even helped carry yourcoffin in. .and then I silently cried.147Both Anne and Lisa saw that Jim's drinking became worse inthe short time between this death in January, and Jim's enteringa recovery program in May of the same year. Anne's narrative ofthis death ended with the conclusion that Jim was now alone:When he lost Dan he had no sounding board left. So he hadto do something. There was nobody else there. He didn'twant to come to me with it until he was ready to get help.Lisa echoed this isolation and loneliness for her father, at theend of her story:It wasn't just my dad and Dan, it was a family involvement.If there was anything major that was happening regarding mydad, we may have never known about it. We would never knowwhat he was feeling because he never showed anything aboutDan's death.Of course I knew he was upset, we all were. I think it wasall coming to a head. It wasn't any particular incidentbut many things were building....I don't think he was getting support from any of us.And maybe he'd been getting support from Dan and he wasn'tthere anymore. It was like all he had for support was thedrinking, and it got worse and he realized what the heck amI doing? His permission for the drinking was leaving.Change Resistance Patterns: Global Patterns of Interaction 1.^Concealing Self Discoveries Examples of this pattern surfaced when Jim encounteredintense events where unheroic responses were both aroused andconcealed. As a pattern, portrait incongruence or fragmentationrefers to a distinction or separation between unheroic selfdiscoveries concealed (feelings and thoughts associated withweakness); and the controlled heroic presentation to others.This portrait interaction was experienced directly by Jim as aconflict:148I knew I was experiencing those feelings.. .but the toughguy,...no I knew the way I was feeling but I was stilltrying to suppress it and still be the macho guy that'sexpected of us.Jim referred to this portrait interaction as "a front","suppression", "natural cover up", "defense" and "hiding". Aglobal analysis of the sub stories comprising the middle of theoverall narrative illustrate incongruence across inner feelingsand outward presentation.Sub story 5 Being in the SWAT:Oh you experienced the intensity of these events butcouldn't go to a psychiatrist.. .that would mean there wassomething wrong with you. You could talk tough about itbut not about how you really felt. I didn't feel toughinside...Sub story 4b The Hostage Incident, Anne's view:He had us convinced there was no problem...he said to me'If you're on a railroad track and there's a train comingwould you jump off the track? Well that's what I did'Jim you had so much pain on your face, you had us allconvinced.I hauled him off one night to the hospital.. .he was on thefloor having chest pains.. .The doctors finally found outthat it was stress...I didn't know at the time but he was up at night havingnightmares, walking around and having a drink.Sub story 15 A rough time:They all put up fronts and you never know what they'refeeling...We are big macho tough men, we're not allowed to beweak.. .There's obviously something wrong with me incomparison to everyone else. So you put up the front, youtough it out and you drink.Sub story 25 Losing Dan:149He took over.. .he was there for Dan's family. He was busy,he was doing things, he was active. He was at the funeral,he never really said goodbye to Dan. He didn't let go, hedidn't get the emotions out...I saw him stay strong for Susan and the girls, he didn'ttalk about losing Dan. He joked the odd time.. .he wasbeing strong for the family but really breaking upinside...maybe the drinking got worse at this time.We would never know what he was feeling because he nevershowed anything about Dan's death.Excerpt - DegradationI needed a drink and there was nothing in the house so Iwent and raided the piggy bank and took out all the coins,nickels, dimes and quarters and went to the liquor storeand bought a bottle. I took out all the money and stoodthere counting them all out. That felt really degradingbut I did it anyway.Problem drinking was an integral component of this portraitinteraction. Whereas drinking with the guys in the storybeginning aroused positive heroic experiences, drinking insolitude now concealed negative heroic self encounters.2.^Pattern of Distancing -Avoidance and Moving Away Following the hostage incident Jim's interactions withthe police group were altered. In the beginning sub stories hejoined in group activities formerly depicted as affiliationpatterns. At this turning point, group joining ceased abruptly.Distancing from the group followed the experience of being setapart, rejected by the SWAT team for trying to warm them aboutwhat may happen. Arousal was no longer only associated withpositive encounters.You know you may have to kill somebody or somebody may killyou.150But it doesn't go through to them. And they've made a jokeof it, when we'd all be drinking later on or whatever.Some of the guys would laugh at it...In the end he departed from the collective team experience.I opted out of the emergency response team for about a yearand a half and then ...I went back in as a sniper. Iwasn't going kicking doors in...I had a high powered rifleand I was sitting back away from the area waiting to shootsomeone.Physical distancing, combined with solitary drinking replacedcamaraderie and group drinking parties. Instead it becameassociated with being alone, problematic and something he had towork at:Like I was drinking before then..and a heavy drinker andgot drunk quite a lot but I think this was the turningpoint for me when I really started drinking on my own.In fact choir practises for me stopped then.Instead of drinking for fun and drinking with theboys and having fun, to just drinking.Tried to do things myself to help me stop...read about it,I'm a reasoning person I should be able to look after thisproblem. Tried to stop, longest I could go was three days.The group as a major support system was replaced by solitarydrinking which was both a defense against and a reminder ofweakness:At that time quitting drinking was constantly on my mind...Alcohol would be the support system...If you don't have theresources yourself, you turn to alcohol.Distancing by Jim was further entrenched by a rigid scriptof solitary drinking.^This pattern partnership occurred indifferent contexts away from the group to solitary contexts: enroute home after work; doing hobby farm work; during nights wheneveryone was asleep and during one to one interactions with Lisa:151I would spend the day at work not drinking and then climbon the bus to get to my car...get off the bus and go to theliquor store...buy a mickey and a miniature and drinkthem... I'd throw the bottle out onto the field just beforeI got home...get rid of the evidence.I'd be doing my leather work, down in my workshop where'dI'd also be drinking.He'd go to the kitchen ..pour wine about to drink it...Then he'd put the wine back in the fridge ...instead ofdowning the whole tumbler. He drank homemade wine mostly.3.^Pattern of Reciprocal Distancing - Mutual Avoidance In this interactive dynamic, distancing evolved slowly,progressively and with a mutuality between two people.Distancing was evident following Lisa's challenge andconfrontation with her father. The inherent differences in theirchanging self portraits directed them along two opposite paths.Jim's resistance to changing and evolving portraits by way ofself and other discoveries, were vigilantly resisted. Lisa'sresistance to her father's changed portrait as a problem drinkerevolved slowly and progressively. The two resistant yet changingportraits altered the experience of closeness to mutualdisengagement and avoidance:Very, gradual, it wasn't anything obvious or anything hetalked about it was just, becoming less and less. And Ididn't want to see it.Cause I was avoiding perhaps and maybe that even hadsomething to do with it.And I wasn't as tolerant you know, and if he was upsetabout something I'd go up.. to my room.We talked less frequently and less often, I wasn't home asmuch and I got home later.152I should have pointed out more clearly, instead I sort ofavoided. I wasn't really involved in the family at thetime, I was quite distanced by them, I wasn't even reallysure of when things were happening. ..But I was quitedistanced at the time and they're doing something.. .1didn't talk to him about it...With regard to Jim's drinking problem:In a way you could see it was sort of a weakness.It bothered me... in a way it was a weakness.The direction toward Lisa's disengagement from her fatherrepresented a change from her self deceptive pretences oridealism/fantasy to realism coinciding with her maturation. Shesaw less and less of the ideal and more of the real fatherportrait. In summary, Lisa's growing up evoked her own changingplot from affiliation and the father/daughter closenesspreviously felt. With the passage of time Lisa reflected on thewhole father/protector performance as it involved all familymembers. She saw discontinuity, inconsistency and contradictionsbetween the ideal protector and the real performance. Lisachallenged and confronted Jim's weaknesses while simultaneouslynot wanting to admit he had these weaknesses. There was a themeof rejection of his weaker portrait by her in this dynamic aswell:I always thought my dad was this perfect father you know,it was like this was a flaw. And I didn't want to admitit... I knew all this time, but I didn't want to admit it.It was kind of a shock in a way. Like even though I knewall the time it was still kind of a shock (voicetrembling).4.^Pattern(s) of Pretence and Hiding The above patterns of resistance emphasized concealingportrait discoveries and changes unworthy of the preferred self153portrait. For example pattern one emphasized the performance ofa heroic "script" which hid other weak portrait encounters;pattern two emphasized physical isolation from those who remindedJim of his weakness; pattern three emphasized resistance tochanging portraits of others. Pattern four is another part ofthe whole configuration of resistance and portrait avoidance ininteractions. Pretences concerning problem drinking wereconsistently revealed by other's observations of the storycharacter as well as Jim's own testimonials. The middle substories revealed drinking "scripts" emphasizing pretence andhiding problem drinking as well as negative self discoveries.Deception surrounding drinking was aimed at others, oneself, andin some cases was in turn reinforced by significant other's ownself deceptions:I'd spend the day at work not drinking and then climb thebus to where I'd parked my car. I'd get off the bus ...goto the liquor store, buy a mickey and a bottle, drink theminiature on my way to the car and then consume the mickeywhile driving home.Self pretence was evident in the beliefs concerning hisown drinking performance:When I arrive in the house, I believe I'm still soberbecause it hasn't gone through the system. I know howalcohol affects people, I know how it affected me.Pretence towards others followed in this script "performance"example:When I arrived in, supper was just about on the table 'Hihoney how are ya'...nice little family, then I would pourmyself a glass of wine to have with supper because this wasgoing to be my excuse for being a little groggy...I'd putit off to the wine.I was hiding and I would hide any other bottle I had in thebasement.154Mutual self deceptions concerning problem drinking were revealedin the interaction between Jim and Anne.Sub story seven b:He did this because he knew I was really checking up on himnow. I would have pulled out the bottle and said 'Anotherbottle! Why do we need this!' ...But still an alcoholic?Never! I wouldn't marry an alcoholic, I just wouldn't.Pretence directed at others also was observed by Lisa:Sub story 7c:I believe my dad would try and fool me into thinking hewasn't drinking quite so much.Pretence and hiding was not uniquely associated withdrinking. Other pretences were fundamental in his portrayal ofthe heroic ideal. Portrait failures other then drinking, werealso hidden from other's view.Sub story nine, Insight into me:Guys are always asking me 'Jim can you make me up things,can you make me a wallet, can you do this, can you dothat.. .'I say yes I can. I like to please people. Icouldn't realize why I couldn't get everything done.I'd be working on the farm and realize that I was justgetting further and further behind.. .1 couldn't keep upwith the demands...Drinking also prevented me from getting things done.Weekends were a good time to be drinking.Story Climax and Transition: "Losing Control" Sub story 8, Going Downhill revealed Jim in the process ofself portrait appraisal. The main point is that upon reflectionand appraisal, drinking was discovered to jeopardize heroicportrayal and affiliation. How Jim came to realize this wascaptured in his testimony "You refer back to yourself, 'I'mdoing the same thing'". The story character acknowledged155portrait encounters upon reflection, and used time as a means ofself comparison. Time definitive reflections gave Jim acomposite sketch of his portrait engaged in problem drinking witha past, present and a future. This appraisal/reflection processthat disapproved of, or pointed a finger at, "you":I experienced a realization over time that 'You aredeteriorating.., you are going downhill.., you are gettingworse.., you are going to end up on skid row'.The you was being appraised in this instance by standards andvalues of Jim's portrait authority.^Drinking was reappraised asa negative association to being a policeman. Jim continued tobattle the negative images with positive self images by comparingthe future with the past in connection to drinking performances:I have always been very conscientious about my work andnever got drunk at work unless it was acceptable, such asin a drinking role. Keeping up appearances was alwaysthere for me.I was never off sick. There was no thought in my mind oflosing my job because I was drinking.The above stronger, positive image revealed certain values of thestory character: An image of the past revealed a portrait withpositive heroic qualities -such as being conscientious, beingpresentable and upholding the value of work. The future sketcheda portrait bereft of these values through continued problemdrinking. Jim's present portrait must somehow reconcile thesetwo antagonistic images:I could see eventually down the line, it is getting worseand here I am today, I'm even too drunk to get to work.That was bad.Being too drunk to go to work confronted Jim with a need touphold a valued quality of his portrait identity -the value ofworking as a policeman. From this sub story, values associated156with being a policeman were seen to be compromised in the presentby problem drinking. This represented a turnabout from pastpositive associations with drinking and policing to present andfuture negative associations between drinking and policing. Selfdiscoveries suggestive of changing values associated withdrinking had been resisted up until this time. These changingexperience occurred nonetheless, over the past several years forJim and reached a climax at this sub story point in time. Jimrecognized this as an ongoing, slow process with cumulativeeffects on initiating physical change from problem drinking:That point in time wasn't just a point in time. That was aculmination of all the times. It wasn't all of a suddenthis thing cracked today, this was my dad to stop...This sub story stressed the importance of having made selfdiscoveries along the way to drinking cessation as opposed towaking up and mysteriously arriving at this decision. In thisrespect the climax is misleading without looking at the portraitawakenings over time. These awakenings were realized with eachsuccessive negative episode of drinking. Such awakeningsgradually but relentlessly sketched a devalued unheroic portraitimage. It took many of these awakenings of negative drinkingassociations to culminate and move Jim to seeing the wholeportrait. Appendix J contains the verbatim transcript of thissub story. Jim ultimately saw himself in the image his ultimatedegraded self portrait having changed from locking up drunks onskid row to becoming a drunk on skid row.^Reaching bottom meantawakening to portrait contradictions and threats to his mostprized heroic values. Reaching bottom signified a change inperception regarding drinking and affiliation to others and157ultimately his own ideal. This change was from positive portraitassociations involving drinking, to negative portraitassociation. Jim was summoned to action by images of a degraded,devalued self portrait, alone on skid row.Change from Problem Drinking 1.^Facing the Self Portrait - as a Problem Drinker Jim began the story of change from problem drinking withsub story one - waking up. This was closely followed in hisnarrative discourse with the hostage incident. Although both substories do not share the same time domain they do share certainnarrative features. Both represented points of significantevents which symbolized change for the story tellers.^These areportrait story junctions that marked a change in plot directionrecognized by all story tellers. The impact of these events wasevident in the detail that storytellers provide. The hostageincident marked a turning point from heroic affiliation - to anencounter with the unheroic portrait. This encounter subsumedthe middle of the overall story of change by a story plot toconceal or hide. Sub stories one and eight revealed themagnitude of this original encounter over time by the culminationof persistent portrait "awakenings" and self discoveries. ^Thecharacter met his unheroic portrait in fragments and sporadicallyfrom the hostage incident to the point of going downhill andwaking up. Ultimately these fragments converged on Jim themorning of waking up too drunk to go to work.I came to realize that I was just gone, still staggeringfrom the previous night of drinking. I woke up Anne andsaid 'I've got to do something. I can't go into work todaybecause I'm too drunk'.158This excerpt contained elements of three temporal realities: Thepresent (still staggering, just gone, today I'm too drunk) ; thepast (from the previous night of drinking); the future (can't gointo work, got to do something). Jim's portrait as a problemdrinker began to gain coherence over time. Going downhillrepresented a point where portrait features coalesce and cohere.2. Unmasking the Problem Drinker Portrait Sub story 19, Waking up and Calling work described theevents that immediately followed Woke up and going downhill, fromboth Anne and Jim's perspectives. The main point was that Jimdeclared/pronounced his alcoholism to significant others in hisfamily and work significant relationships.^Despite the other'sreactions, Anne's tearfulness and his employers disbelief, Jimupheld the portrait declaration "I'm an alcoholic". Verbalizingthe declaration, asking for help, committing oneself to notdrinking were all part of Jim's resolution to ending problemdrinking. Jim's story of waking up and calling work revealed astory character with a strong sense of conviction, determinationand commitment. The heroic portrait reconstructed in this substory, boldly walked into his bosses office and announced bothhis alcoholism and what he needed. This character took chargeand initiated his own treatment before he lost valued portraitqualities:It was like I've really got to do something about this. Ihad one beer, I never managed that before.The strength evident in Jim's declaration and subsequentdetermination was founded on portrait reflections andobservations over time which summoned him to act. The ending of159this sub story revealed the limits of Jim's determination,willpower and self control regarding not drinking at this point:I don't think I could have gone much longer in that periodin between waiting for treatment.Basically the feeling that everything was crowding in onme. I couldn't be who I really was. The feelings I hadthat I couldn't get out, the fact that I was weak andcouldn't fulfil all.. .that people would expect of me. Iwas putting up a front. I wasn't being me and I wouldn'tbe accepted as a policeman if I admitted to any of thoseguys that this is what I felt like.In conclusion this sub story emphasized an assertion orproclamation of alcoholism while maintaining a persona ofstrength and determination. Jim could admit to alcoholism butnot to feelings that would threaten his acceptance by others.Anne's recollection of Waking up revealed a story characterthat wasn't as visibly strong following waking up too drunk to goto work. This recollection helped to capture the entire portraitperformance surrounding the period of non problem drinking twoweeks prior to treatment:He came out of the bedroom and he was crying 'I'm stilldrunk. I have a problem with drinking and I'm going tohave to get it fixed now'.I sat there and cried, I didn't know what to think. My GodI'm married to an alcoholic. My whole life is ruined..Once an alcoholic always an alcoholic.. .1 was devastated.This interaction included a tearful disclosure and mutuallyhidden feelings. Jim's intention to "get it fixed now" was againa testimony of his strength and determination to his wife.Neither revealed what they really felt - Jim's fears and Anne'sdevastation. The main point of Anne's story was the presence ofother feelings emerging from Jim, which he began to disclose atthis time. Jim revealed his grief about Dan's death immediately160during his first interview at the treatment centre - this was thebeginning of portrait discoveries and admissions beyondalcoholism.At this point in the story of change from problem drinking,Jim disengaged from problem drinking while awaiting a residentialtreatment centre. In solitude the above feelings of failure andunacceptance threatened his strength of determination to notdrink. While in treatment however, the plot moved in a positivedirection toward being engaged and curious about new portraitdiscoveries. This engagement and curiosity was encouraged byother's "nudging" and supporting Jim with each new discovery.There was a change from being alone and still withholding theabove negative portrait associations to being among others andreassessing such negatives. The changing contexts from work andhome to treatment loosened Jim's grip on controlling his feelingsor resisting to acknowledge suppressed feelings, particularlyconcerning the death of his best friend. Expression of thesefeelings were accomplished in a letter saying goodbye to Dan.The final excerpt contained elements of emerging self acceptance.I've grown a lot in the last few weeks, I'm gettingto know me. Maybe I'll like what I find. I thinkI will.Jim sought the freedom " to be who I really was" and still beingaccepted as a policeman. These two motives determined the nextplot turn: reunification with the police group and hero portrait.Acceptance is a major theme raised by the ending of this story.161Ending Sub Stories Self Discoveries and Awakenings: Discovering Self Acceptance The ending of the story of change from problem drinking wasrepresented by the following sub stories: 10a,b,c - Treatment;17 -Insight into feelings; 20 -Further changes and 21 - Being apoliceman now. This story ending illustrated how the storycharacter changed after resolving to stop drinking. Acceptingportrait discoveries beyond having lost control of drinking,began in a treatment context. Through self disclosures anddisclosures by others in a group, and with a new relationship toa counsellor, Jim pursued a changed path to assimilate andintegrate valued portrait features - being a helper whilepolicing. The story depicted the character as energetic,positive and eager as he searched out further self discoveries.In these narrative accounts the character is curious, excited andopen to seeing portrait discoveries which had been masked orhidden in the past. The plot is dramatically changed fromconcealment, to pronouncement "I'm an alcoholic", to exploring,and starting over as a policeman with renewed strength andpurpose.The main point in sub story ten - Treatment, was thecharacter's identification of personal choice in his future as apoliceman. The example which brought personal choice to lightfor Jim concerned his consistent failure with police promotionexams. Jim realized that although others expected him to advanceand get promoted, he didn't want a promotion - moving up theladder didn't fit with who he really was.162'Well I never studied', 'Why?' that was even just then,when he was talking to me, it was a realization I got. Ididn't want to be promoted.Further self exploration led to new discoveries about individualportrait values. The process of reflection and discovery wassimilar to portrait reflections upon his problem drinking. Theoutcome in both situations were new portrait revelations andpronouncements. The following self assertions are testimony tobeginning self acceptance and individuality:Other guys are always asking me 'Jim why did so andso get promoted, he didn't do half the work you did'. Ialways thought I had to...I'm not an administrator, I'm astreet cop. I can do...I don't want to sit in an office...I'm a street cop and I get out and do investigative work.I go and interview people and talk to them and that's whatI should do.In asserting "That's what I should do", Jim made a decisionseparate from the group or expectations of others. The abovedisclosure was significant due to the identification ofpreviously concealed or "unacceptable" portrait qualities. Thesequalities illuminate discovery of persistent portrait valueswhich don't necessarily conform to the heroic "macho" image.They emerged after abstinence from drinking and hint at thevalues inherent in being a mentor or facilitator. Such valuesare in stark contrast to those represented by being a SWAT sniperor team member. These portrait discoveries were encouraged bynew relationship with others in treatment - inclusive of arelationship to a counsellor.Sub story 17, Insight into feelings, elaborated upon a selfchanges and a further changing life plot. The main point of thissub story was the redefinition of being a macho policeman. Aswas the case in redefining problem drinking through new163associations to drinking and policing, Jim began to see negativeassociations connected to maintaining the macho tough guy image.Being macho required suppressing feelings, and not talking aboutexperiences. Jim chose a different route in subsequent policeexperiences:I go and talk to them all and let them know. I'll sit downwith them and blurt out everything about me and what I wentthrough.Rejecting the expectations inherent in being macho was evident byJim's new role requirements as a victim's counsellor. Thischange to letting go of the unrealistic expectations of a heromyth began in the context of treatment. This is evident by Jim'sself dialogue where again the portrait under observation isjudged by an unnamed authority. At this time, the authority istempered and more accepting (consistent with the treatmentmilieu):Treatment didn't treat my alcoholism, it told me that itwas okay. More of an opening up and being able to say topeople, blurting it all out, getting rid of it.. .andsharing it with other people. Like a light went on to sayyou're not weird, you're not weaker then anyone else, it'snormal, it's acceptable to feel the way you felt and youdon't really have to drink to cover it up. I'd drink tocover it up.The final passage of this sub story was a reclamation of Jim'sstrength as a policeman. Strength was reclaimed throughacceptance of being "weak and normal like everyone else". Beingin the treatment group in contrast to being in the police group,enabled Jim to view "weakness" in a different light:I can remember to the day, sitting there and the groupbegan and a realization came over me..it sort of sittingthere listening to the people and rationalizing in my mindwhy we're here. I'm allowed to be weak and normal likeeveryone else.164With this new acceptance Jim declared himself to be even strongerthen others. His past experiences, formerly construed as weakand failing now afforded him an advantage. Jim felt strongerhaving come through these difficult experiences and this providedan edge or advantage over other policemen:I'm permitted to be weak. The very fact that I can goand admit to guys makes me a bigger tougher macho cop in away. It almost sounds like boasting the fact that I canreally feel bad about what I did, shooting and all this...I can admit that I felt bad about it.Sub story 10b - Treatment, was the final story from Anne'sperspective. The main point of this sub story was that Jim tookin all he could learn. He engaged himself in the process ofinteracting with others. He covered a wide spectrum ofinteraction experiences - from resolving unfinished conflicts;apologizing to others; expressing his feelings; writing out hisfeelings to Dan; reading this while being video taped; and thenwatching himself on video. He experienced many diverse methodsof self expression and self observation. He also experiencedobserving others in kind and made a proclamation or selfassertion while in the treatment centre.I'm the only one in this group that will succeed in whatwe're trying to do. None of you will make it but I will.Such a proclamation implied a renewed strength and a purpose yetto be elaborated through his self discovery.Sub story 10c Treatment, was a narrative from Mike, Jim'scounsellor at the residential centre. The main point of this substory was that Jim enjoyed the people he interacted with.He appeared to be a guy of the people in that heenjoyed different people.165He was in a pretty whacky group. He was definitelythe most solid guy. I remember younger women in thegroup, and sort of a father - daughter thing withJim being the wise, older guy. There were a coupleof really late stage alcoholics who were sort of the wino,beer bellied, constant smiling individuals that you justhad to accept. Jim just rolled with them, he had goodrapport.. .he joked with them.Sub stories 20 and 21 - Further Changes illustrated how Jimcame to engage the changing portrait image while being apoliceman. The introduction of his new portrait within thepoliceman society represent the main point of this sub story andmarked the next plot direction. Jim assimilated and rejoined thegroup by using his past experiences to teach others about thelarger picture of what being a policeman really means. Jimrevealed his shooting and subsequent drinking experiencesproviding to others a more comprehensive portrait image - beyondthe macho performance. This gave substance and strength to hisown portrait performance:I can now tell other policemen how I feel. I can go infront of an academy class of the young guys and tell themall about my shooting, what I went through and what I feltlike afterwards.Jim also used his past experiences of problem drinking toinfluence or advise thereby contributing to his newly discoveredportrait. He became a sounding board and a guide for otherproblem drinkers, again indicative of his change toward findingstrength from past weaknesses. Assimilation with others in asocial police context also meant utilizing those qualitiesdiscovered in treatment while still remaining part of the group.This was achieved by broadening his police role to includequalities of being a mentor/counsellor/advisor both at work andduring social engagements. There is an overlap to these portrait166discoveries and their value with the value experienced in latenight chats with Lisa. In both contexts closeness and fatherlywisdom are valued portrait qualities. With regard to the valueof drinking and affiliation:I don't need to therefore I'm not going to. I don't avoidgoing out with the guys if they're going drinking. In factI tend bar at policemen's functions and watch over thoseI suspect have a drinking problem. I recognize thealcoholics and I'll pour them less. I won't preach to thembut I'll suggest things instead. What I do is find guyswho I know are reaching bottom and I've sent a lot of guysto treatment. I'm unofficial E.A.P.The above sub story raised the plot direction toward assimilationof recent past experiences into the present context of policing.How Jim became a bigger, stronger, tougher policeman was revealedin his police performances following treatment. Assimilation wasachieved by turning "weakness" into strength and subsequentlyrealizing valued portrait attributes and qualities. He redefinedweakness -his alcoholism, his experiences and feelings followingthe hostage shooting, into opportunity, strength and advantage.Change from problem drinking beyond initial treatment timeframesmeant a turn from masking the portrait to proclaiming theportrait. This was achieved by teaching, helping and guidingothers. In doing so he also could enact valued attributes of hisnewly affirmed self portrait.New portrait values were elaborated further in sub story21, Being a Policeman Now. The main point emphasized permissionto express feelings and experiences in certain contexts. It'spermissible for Jim to talk to the academy class, to discretelyintervene at parties and to recommend treatment to otherpolicemen. In addition to these new opportunities to guide and167direct others, Jim assumed a position of counselling victims aspart of the post critical counselling team. In this position hecan help others express their feelings within acceptableparameters of being a policeman:Like a young girl with a gun stuck in her face, even theytry not to cry, so I won't let them make them cry in frontof everyone else. But I'm allowed to interview them andtake them away where we won't be disturbed.This interaction revealed a dynamic of self comparison to others.Through the course of engaging in his own story telling,intervening and hearing other's stories, Jim's past experiencesgain clarity and permission.^Although Jim attests to manyenvironmental or contextual changes within the police department,the change has been primarily self and inner based versusexternally or structurally based:Not so much now, it's changed over the years, but it'sstill there but not nearly as strong. Or maybe I'm one ofthe older guys and I just don't see it. I don't know ifthey're having choir practices, I know some stuffprobably goes on because you do hear stories. It's justI'm kind of.. .I've stepped away.You still portray it to yourself... Young cops do it. I'vegrown out of it.. .we still tell war stories to the youngguys and they listen, we still play a game...You can'tspoil their excitement.What has changed is that Jim was able to both step away from oldpolice macho values and assimilate the new in experiences being apoliceman today. He still holds policemen in high esteem and onocassion reminisces about past exploits - a testimony to thestrength of his heroic ideal.168Story Ending Patterns: Portrait Unity and Group Rejoining 1. Self Observations - Acknowledging Incongruencies This pattern acquired momentum throughout the story as itbecame increasingly difficult to conceal portrait contradictions,incongruencies and conflict. It reached a peak at the storyclimax of waking up too drunk to go to work. Jim awoke to hisportrait or story character with the help of his imagination,creativity and rational/organizational abilities, initially.He observed his portrait over time, using his imagination tocreate a mental imagery of a portrait projected into the future.He observed himself in the future as a degraded, derelictalcoholic. He also observed inconsistencies in his presentportrait: being a policeman and locking up drunks; arrestingdrunk drivers; going to homes where the old man is a drunk;to seeing himself "you refer back to yourself 'I'm doing the samething".Initially self observation and recognition of portraitincongruencies were specifically related to problem drinking.An important and unfamiliar portrait confrontation or awakeningoccurred after waking up and still being too drunk to go to work.This was an experience of unity between his physical actions,behaviours or "performances"; perceptions and his feelings at themoment. This unity was most clearly realized as an experience of"hitting bottom", the beginning of experiencing portraitcongruence in the moment of waking up:Jim: I was still staggering, too drunk to go to work;I realized I had lost control, I mean really lost control.I woke up my wife and told her and she burst out crying...169Anne: Jim had been up that night drinking and drinking and he...phoned into work and said he can't make it.. .He wascrying and said -I'm still drunk, I have a problem withdrinking and I'm going to have to get it fixed now'.Several portrait constituents are revealed in harmony with eachother from the above statements: self observation and selfconfrontation; self admission/proclamation of observations;perceptions and portrait appraisal; feeling compatibility inaccordance with observations and self appraisal; expression offeeling and thought compatibility; self responsibility and selfinitiated change or action - phoning work and requesting help.Hitting bottom was essentially a time where all of theseprocesses were revealed to work in synchrony and allowed to occurnaturally as opposed to being resisted and concealed.Subsequent identifications whereby the portrait was unitedor awakened, involved identifications of previously concealedportrait features.^The episodes quoted in the previous sectionunder "self discoveries and awakenings" represent processessimilar to Jim's awakening of portrait incongruencies whileengaging in problem drinking. The examples given in sub story10, Treatment lend support for the contention that an awakeningis an experience of wholeness or unity (not necessarilypleasurable) in the here and now. Jim described such episodeswhere he identified portrait features which didn't conform to thegroup collective identity. An example of this includedsabotaging the final police promotion exams because deep down hereally didn't want to be an administrator. This realizationraised more portrait identifications: "I'm a street cop; I getout.. .interview people and talk to them.. .that's what I should170do... that's what I'm good at ." A second awakening ofsignificance occurred in the treatment group context where Jimexperienced a moment of self acceptance:Like a light went on to say you're not weird, you'renot weaker then anyone else, it's normal, it's acceptableto feel the way you felt and you don't really have to drinkto cover it up.These experiences revealed an order of portrait identificationand action, beginning with identifying and acting on problemdrinking to identifying and acting on portrait conflict in anumber of life areas. A final significant moment of congruencyconcerned his unfinished grief or inability to say good bye toDan. The process of writing a letter to his best friend, readingit and then observing himself reading this by watching a video ofthis process, facilitated congruence between the loss and theexperience of grief. Portrait congruence occurred in the actualwriting of this letter by bringing Jim back to the moment toexperience the grief, tears and letting go by saying goodbye.The net result of all of these congruence awakenings, in thesupportive context of treatment, was to experience the beginningof self acceptance as expressed in Dan's letter:I never really said goodbye to you Dan. Maybe Ithought I did but I never really let the tears go, nowI can't stop them. I've grown a lot in the last fewweeks, I'm getting to know me. Maybe I'll like whatI find. I think I will.2. Pattern of Seeking and Receiving Support It is notable that the above patterns surfaced in thecontext of supportive others. Jim sought out and receivedsupport from his employer, his wife Anne and daughter Kate (Lisawas involved in her own significant awakenings), support from a171counsellor and experienced support in the group described in substories 10a, b, and c. This represented a dramatic change fromthe disengagement and separation he experienced both self andother initiated, during the period of resistance and problemdrinking. Both Jim and Anne concurred that the counsellor was astrong influence both as a directive and supportive force inJim's subsequent treatment. Of equal importance was the grouptherapy context - inclusive of family members and otherrecovering problem drinkers. There was a change from selfcriticism to self acceptance and a parallel change in negative topositive experiences and communications in the group. As Mikeasserted Jim changed from self disgust and feeling experiences asgrief and anger to; silliness and the energy of joy, playingpranks in the treatment setting, being able to roll with theothers, joking and having good rapport. He was given permissionto experience a wider range of his portrait - inclusive of afuller feeling range and able to evaluate "being normal" from acontext other than the police group contexts. In this changedcontext he identified values which were not consistent with beinga macho policeman. He learned to accept those features of hisportrait previously perceived to be unacceptable: beingfatherly, wiser and caring for the needs of others.3. Pattern of Recapturing Strength and Mastery Strength was recaptured following Jim's changed perceptionsconcerning self portrait weaknesses and failures:I'm permitted to be weak. The very fact that I can go andadmit to guys makes me a bigger, tougher, macho cop...172I'm the only one in this group that will succeed in whatwe're trying to do.Acceptance again was an integral component of redefiningweakness:Acceptance probably more than anything else. Acceptanceof myself for being a weak chicken shit, whatever andI'm really not. I'm still the big macho cop.. .1 don'tever play that part I really am. I've accepted theweak parts, I'm permitted to be weak...by being able toadmit, the weight is off my shoulders.. .it's almost likea therapy in a way talking to you the same as talking toother guys about when somebody's been through a traumaticincident.The process of facilitating self acceptance included selfexpression. Talking about one's self portrait had the effect oflifting a weight and this relief is continually experienced asJim continues to relate his story to other policemen and orvictims of traumatic experiences.^Mastery and strength wereacquired by Jim's incorporation of new portrait values andidentifications into his policeman role. In this regard heregained a sense of competence, self respect and experiences ofesteem through newly chosen activities: counsellor for thecritical counselling group as part of the police force;unofficial employee assistance counsellor; bartender - scout atpolice socials; host speaker for the academy - speaking outabout his trauma and drinking experiences; mentor for the "youngguys". Anne echoed his new found competence by stating that he'dfrequently been called out to assist in a traumatic incidentwhere the police needed a counsellor to intervene.Conclusion Summary of Story Analysis This story analysis of change from problem drinkingrevealed three major plot transitions and plot directions as thestory progressed through it's beginning, middle and ending.Change from problem drinking was presented within the context ofa changing self portrait or personal identity.^How the storyactors and co actors responded to and influenced the course ofportrait change (inclusive of change from problem drinking), wasrevealed in narrative accounts. From this story, change fromproblem drinking was intertwined and interwoven with theprincipal actor's life course as it unfolded from non problem orsocial drinking; to problem drinking and ultimately non drinking.These experiences spanned the life course from youth to middleage. In keeping with the existential views regarding multiplerealities and the importance of meaning in contexts, change fromproblem drinking will be summarized using the narrative featuresof plot; content - experiences of self and other portraits(inwardly and outwardly) and time - story beginning, middle andending. These experiences are designated "ways of being"illustrating patterns of interactions which clearly change atplot transitions for story actors and co actors. The followingis a summary of the process of change as it was experienced inthis case study narrative over the life course of an adult.173174Story Beginning: Non Problem Drinking Plot direction - becoming the ideal hero by becoming a policemanand heroic family man. Patterns of affiliation to others andgroup joining are evident. Compatibility exists between theideal self portrait and the ideals of significant others. Theoutcome is a harmonious relationship between self and othersenacting the hero ideal.Portrait Experiences: being respected; admired; liked;trusted; close as a father/hero; strong; protective; happy;competent; in control; powerful; needed and wanted; heroic;dramatic/imaginative; aroused; excited; alive; a "good"father-husband-policeman; fun loving; mischievous; hard drinker with peers. These experiences were reinforced by "patterns" of self portraitand significant other interactions: pattern of arousal; externalsource of authority - group identity and responsibility; fantasyand illusion; allegiance to the hero myth; and fragmentedperceptions - episodic attention. Heavy drinking accompaniedthese patterns. A major portrait theme was affiliation throughheroic portrayal in a group context.Story Middle: Problem Drinking Plot direction - an altered course following trauma andsubsequent encounters of a lesser non heroic self portrait. Plotof resistance to emerging portrait changes beholding a lesserself, evident through patterns aimed at concealing the lesserportrait self. Subsequent changes in life engagements andrelationship contexts inclusive of changes in drinking patterns175emerge. Encountering the portrait of a problem drinker is one ofmany lesser "features" resisted.^Resistance to change isenacted by attempts to control self portrait changes and changein significant other relationships. Resistance to change issimilarly enacted through changing drinking scripts aimed atbolstering the heroic self portrait. Patterns emerge as theprincipal actor experiences the lesser portrait inside whilesimultaneously concealing this reality by; attempts to control,conceal, hide, deceive and pretend to self and others.Portrait Experiences: dual portrait opposing realities;outwardly strong versus inwardly weak; unable to sleep;physically ill; having nightmares; problem drinkingprivately realized; attempts and failures to controldrinking; memory gaps; being different from the group;feeling out of character; estranged; secretive; deceptive;solitary; disengaged; distanced; set apart; experiencedconflict; experienced failures; changing drinkingpatterns/scripts/rituals; change from group affiliation;failed expectations; falling, momentum of failing projectsand momentum of being out of control; rejected and alone.These experiences were reinforced by resistance to changingportraits- self and others, evident in the following concealmentpatterns: hiding the weaker self- putting up a front for others;distancing and separation from others; mutual separations andresistance to portrait changes; pretence and hiding. The majortheme is resistance to a lesser portrait .176Climax of Change From Problem Drinking - Portrait Confrontation The climax is a misnomer in that changing portrait features,including problem drinking, were encountered over a long periodof time - submerged by resistance. The point of action however,began with the vision of a devastated unheroic portrait of thefuture. The metaphor of hitting bottom, represents the ultimatebetrayal of the heroic ideal and heroic values by becoming aderelict on skid row - a failed hero in every respect.Portrait Experiences: going downhill; sleeplessness;having nightmares; attentive to a real problem withdrinking; not feeling tough; feeling pressured; not beingreal or true to himself; feeling closed in - trapped;getting worse; degraded; lost control; got todo something; must act; too drunk to work; missing workdue to drunkenness never before experienced.The major themes at this point of change are self confrontation,and problem drinking redefinition.^Drinking was now viewed as adevalued experience - a threat to upholding strong portraitvalues leading to betrayal and failure. The actor is still loyalto his ideal hero.Story Ending: Non Drinking Plot turns from resistance patterns to facing the self portrait -problem drinker; unmasking the problem drinker to self andothers; and proclaiming abstinence goals to self and others. Thefinal plot is toward acceptance of uncontrollable drinking andacceptance of newly discovered portrait features.177Portrait Experiences: determination to abstain and change;being engaged in new relationships; letting go of controlattempts and resistance to letting go; being curious;enthusiastic; open to self scrutiny; exchangingobservations - feedback in a new group treatment context;allowing portrait growth; seeking freedom to be and acceptportrait change - in self and others; being positive,energetic; alive; goal directed; excited; self focused;becoming an individual within the group; making individualchoices; asserting newly discovered portrait qualitiesformerly viewed as lesser; redefining the lesser portraitqualities as strength; guiding/mentoring/helping/teaching;being fatherly; talking about problem drinking; sharingwith other people; self acceptance -not "being weird";being normal; not being weak; feeling bad about shootingsand loss experiences; being stronger for it; not needing todrink; not needing A.A.; counselling other problemdrinkers; making amends; apologizing to family; re engagingwith family members.Self and other acceptance is a theme raised by this plotdirection of reunification and assimilation both as a policemanand family man. Letting go of old interaction patterns -inclusive of early affiliation and preceding resistance patternsare evident in the story ending. Not all former patterns havebeen relinquished, but many have been set aside for newerevolving relationship and portrait interaction patterns.CHAPTER 6 Discussion Introduction This chapter will discuss major findings of the study,summarized in the conclusion section of chapter 5, as experiencesand patterns revealed throughout the story of change from problemdrinking. In this case study, change spanned the course of alife from youth to middle age. Major findings will be discussedfrom this life span context. The discussion will include:Strengths and limitations of the case study qualitative approach;Case study major findings and their implications for research andtheory and; Implications for future practise and research.Strengths of the Case Study As stated in previous chapters, this study supports theassumption that change from problem drinking is a complexphenomena or "process", the depth of which has been inadequatelyattended to in research to date. This complexity and depth wasrecognized by incorporating a methodological process which wassimilarly complex and in depth. Oversimplification andreductionistic methods were assumed to undermine the nature andpurpose of this research. It is this writer's belief that thechosen approach was effective due in part by the "feeling" andtone experienced throughout the research process. There existeda sense of reciprocity and cooperation across two levels of thisresearch experience: the relationship of researcher and co-178179researcher; and the relationship of methodology to the phenomena.The outcome - a story of change from problem drinking revealedthe true complexity and depth of this phenomena by presenting"change" as dynamic, interactive and context dependent. Throughthe analysis of thirty five collective sub stories, change tookshape as "patterns" interacting with the self portrait andportraits of others over the life course.Limitations of the Case Study Yin, (1989) highlighted three major criticisms of casestudy research in general. The first was a perceived lack ofrigor in case study research as compared to experimental orsurvey research and the potential for researcher bias directingand influencing the results. The qualitative case study methodsought to reduce bias by including validity checks from coresearchers and an independent reviewer, at the interview anddata analysis stages. Unlike survey and experimental designmethods, this research method encouraged explicating assumptionsand theories prior to starting the research so as to be attentiveto one's own biases.The second criticism concerns the limitations ongeneralizations imposed by a single or multiple case studydesign. The question of what is generalizable is raised by thiscriticism. As stated by Yin: "case studies are generalizable totheoretical propositions and not to populations or universes"(1989, p.21). It was never the intention of this study togeneralize to a population or group. Given the outcome is apersonal narrative story, generalizing facts and experiences to180another's life story would be absurd. What is potentiallygeneralizable - but needing further case study research toconfirm, are patterns and their significance.^This case wasexploratory, aimed at revealing the phenomena in more depth so asto expand future research directions and focus on associatedchange phenomena arising from this exploration.The third limitation was that case studies are too timeconsuming resulting in massive "unreadable" documentation. Thisconfuses the design strategy with the method of data collectionand analysis. The sophistication of this methodology assuredthat the data would be usable, understandable and "readable" inthe form of two narrative products: the Narrative Summaryrevealing a chronicle of story experiences; and the StoryAnalysis revealing the plot and portrait across the life course.This was a very detailed, time consuming task to which theresearcher was committed for approximately one year. There wasnothing simplistic or superficial either planned or discoveredthroughout this project. The sophistication is further evidentin this study's approach which incorporated several qualitativemethods: Colaizzi's phenomenological qualitative interviewmethod (1978); Mishler's qualitative analysis of Interview-Narratives inclusive of a quantitative component of numbering andordering meaning units (in Sarbin, 1986); and Agar and Hobb'snarrative analysis method of interpreting discourse for achievingcoherence (in Sarbin, 1986).On the topic of research validity, much criticism has beenplaced upon "retrospective" research, particularly concerningthat which relies heavily upon the recall, and memory of former181"alcoholics" (Vaillant, 1983; Donovan, 1986). The inclusion ofcollateral co-researchers was aimed in part, to address thisproblem. A five year maximum timelapse since the decision tostop drinking was aimed at balancing the need for clarity anddistance with the ability to recollect as many details aspossible. It is believed that the whole tone and milieu of thisresearch which invited and included co-researcher's as equalsdiminished intentional deception or distortions. All coresearcher's expressed their desire to help in any way theycould. Given the success of the principal co researcher tomaintain abstinence and the subsequent improvements in his lifeboth at home and at work, there was no purpose for intentionaldistortions of the truth. Most "facts" were verified bycollaterals. An interesting outcome concerned the omission ofcertain experiences and unintentional "distortions" by theprincipal co researcher.^Distortion by omission was apparent inwhat was later revealed through collateral's narratives. Theseomissions supported the portrait story character which Jimpreferred to portray in his narrative - a common feature of anygiven narrative or storytelling (Sarbin, 1986). In effect theseomissions supported what was discovered in the analysis regardingthe value of being heroic. Distortion of the self narrative bysketching a limited self portrait as solely heroic wascounteracted by collateral accounts and Jim's own storydisclosures of unheroic self encounters. Jim didn't tell a storyof "how I killed the dragon - alcohol, single handedly"(Klingemann, 1991) but rather told of experiencing unheroicportrait features including failure and self reproach.182Collateral accounts assisted in providing a well rounded "true"portrait account of change from problem drinking.Major Findings Revealed in this Case Study "Change" Beginning; Climax versus Slow Encounters When a young bird suddenly hatches from an egg we arenot dealing with spontaneous generation. ( James,in Vaillant, 1983 p. 189 )The above quote serves as a useful analogy to viewingchange from problem drinking in this case study. Change has beendescribed in the literature by the term "spontaneous remission"(Smart, 1975) but the validity of the term spontaneous isdisconfirmed by this research. Principal and wife collateral coresearcher's began their stories with dramatic, high impact, substory climaxes telling of a significant life event. The eventsreferred to the time when Jim acted upon his decision to stopdrinking. Although an unquestionably meaningful story transitiontime, this significant life event is misleading in terms of abeginning point of change from problem drinking. These coresearcher's tended to begin by recalling something that wasemotionally intense and memorable, at the outset of their story -an understandable tendency given the strength of these memoriesover time. In reference to Appendix K, sub story one and substory nineteen constitute Jim and Anne's beginnings based uponnarrative spoken order. However, these beginning events, whenpositioned along the time continuum representative of all substories, are closer to the ending. A similar trend was revealedfor the transition from story beginning to middle represented bythe sub story four - The Hostage Incident. In other words, story183transitions and climaxes tended to be put forth as changebeginnings and critical change related events, when in effectsubsequent sub stories revealed the truer, less dramaticbeginning, where time is an organizing feature. The sub storiesinclusive of the prelude and beginning listed in Appendix K, arebelieved to represent the real beginning story of change fromproblem drinking based upon similar themes and patterns revealedat this time across co researcher's narratives. Of note is thediscovery that change from problem drinking isn't an event andisn't "separate" to the experiences of both heavy social drinkingand problem drinking. Change occurred throughout thesetimeframes - subtly and progressively within the portrait of thechanger. These sub stories revealed important portrait featuresand patterns of affiliation and connection to others of whichheavy drinking was an integral component. They require much moreinvestigation and refinement but suggest that the self portraitinitially acquired a positive self image and sense of belongingby performing in accordance with an ideal hero image and acollective group identity. Experiences of group cohesion;ritualized behaviors; vicarious learning; aggression and heavydrinking suggestive of reliance upon alcohol, were evident andhave been raised by McClelland et al., (1976) in past referencesto social group influences on addiction for men. Of importanceto this case in terms of change, are answers to what, when, howand why these patterns do themselves change as the storyprogresses from non problem to problem to non drinking.^Howchange was progressively experienced prior to the decision toabstain or action, was revealed in this story. There are twenty184four sub stories preceding the climax, which provided details ofaffiliation and resistance patterns. Contained in these substories are the less dramatic, subtle, mundane daily encountersof change in others and the self portrait. These changeencounters included internal and external worlds as constantreminders of "change" occurring - for the portrait problemdrinker. These were experienced as momentary daily glimpses,rather than enduring flashes of significant life events. Theseevents were eventually put into the perspective of"unspontaneous" change by the principal co researcher:I don't think the hostage shooting caused my problem,it maybe escalated it. I think I would have ended upbeing a problem drinker anyway. I don't think somethinghappened to me. I know what drinking does to people,...that's my job is.. .is dealing with people when alot of it was alcohol related. You refer back toyourself, I'm doing the same thing.That point in time (waking up) wasn't just this pointin time. That was a culmination of all the times.It wasn't all of a sudden this thing just crackedtoday - this was my day to stop. It was I had reachedmy bottom. I had gone as far as I could go. A simplelittle thing, maybe it was nothing to do with missingwork that day. Just my time to make the decision to act.Relevant Research Findings and Implications The above discussion disconfirms certain research findingssummarized by Smart (1975) in relation to spontaneous recovery.This study doesn't concur that changes associated with the timeof ending problem drinking, are either themselves causative orsolely descriptive of change from problem drinking. Instead theybecome part of a more expansive change process which has a"cumulative effect" on one's personal portrait identity. In thissense the momentum of self and other's changes accumulated to a185point in time described as hitting bottom or the decision to act.This has implications for those recovery research efforts aimedat isolating events and experiences outside of the individuallife course. In Tuchfeld's (1981) landmark research, conditionsassociated with a resolution to change were identified and listedas "events" preceding a change commitment.^These diverse eventsrevealed "climax" type experiences which as mentioned above, mayapproximate a time of change nearer to the end of the changephenomena. In the passage from problem to non problem drinkinghowever, these events were further noted by Tuchfeld to besecondary to a "key moderator variable". Tuchfeld's descriptionof this illusive variable was comparable to the process of selfdiscovery and portrait awakening in terms of changing attitudes,values, responsibility attribution, and identification ofresistances. The research did not explore the significance ofthese changing features over time inclusive of problem to nonproblem drinking, a failing of life events research.This case confirms the criticisms raised by Ludwig (1985)and O'Doherty and Davies (1987) regarding the limitations of anemphasis upon life events and change from problem drinking.In Ludwig's study, the change timeframe was again centered on the"climax" or events near to the resolution to act. He found thatrecovery pertained more to the "respondent's state of mind orperception" than external events, a finding consistent with thepresent case description around the story climax.^Ludwig'sresearch is most relevant and consistent with the present case,as it relates to the meaning and state of mind of the changer,versus external events alone.186In summary, life events research has moved toward exploringthe meaning of such events by qualitative interview methods. Theemphasis on the time of action, however, assures that portraitchange and encounters - progressive and subtle will not beadequately identified. Significant life and spontaneous remission research depart from the present study on the issue of change beginning. This study discovered that "change" from problem drinking isn't wholly understandable if research is confined to the period surrounding abstinence. Instead abstinence is the final outcome of numerous portrait discoveries and interactions which influence this phenomena.^This findingcoincides with Prochaska and DiClemente's (1986) model of selfchange, where changes may be encountered at a conscious level(contemplation) long before action occurs. It disconfirms thefollowing:The sudden transformation of the drunkard to ateetotaller is analogous to the sudden change ofheart, the abrupt religious conversion and the scientistsexperience of Eureka. (Vaillant, 1983, p.189)In reality, as later described by Vaillant, the process is verydifferent having "long subterranean pasts". To ignore thesepasts would mean losing the potential richness of patterndiscoveries - both affiliation and resistance - which constitutedthe beginning and middle of this case study story. Thesepatterns revealed the complexity of change from problem drinking.Encounters of Changing Natural Forces This finding refers to "natural" unyielding changephenomena which followed Jim's path to change from problemdrinking. These are parallel or coexisting phenomena in relation187to the beginning, middle and ending of the story. The point ismade that as problem drinking gained momentum, so too did themomentum of these naturally occurring phenomena. Encounteringthese phenomena began subtly and reached a climax near the pointof his climax of "hitting bottom".^Naturally occurringphenomena are those which are not within the control of theindividual but occur as part of changing life forces. Under thisheading are: changes in one's physical body - ageing; life and growth related changes in self and others - maturation, personal development; and change in response to death - grief, fear, anger or the constant changes of the evolving self (emotionally, intellectually, spiritually).Relevant Research There is sparse research available on the relationshipbetween problem drinking and change from problem drinking withrespect to these co existing changes of naturally occurringphenomena. Vaillant (1983) listed natural forces associated withrecovery from alcoholism as illness, job and familyconsiderations which were raised as change relevant. In thepresent case study, the significance of these phenomena appear tobe associated with the need to control and resist even naturallyoccurring changes both within and surrounding the self.Efforts to exert control over these natural forces were evidentin resistance patterns throughout the story middle by resisting -hiding and suppressing, the following natural changes: physicaldeterioration associated with drinking and drunkenness; physicalillness related to stress; daughter's maturation or growing up;188personal inner changing and evolving self portrait (values,perceptions, feelings); natural responses to death and terror,or in essence any and all unheroic "feeling" experiences;relationship changes; grief. Jim's resistance grew in responseto his inability to control these naturally occurring phenomena.Attempts to control escalated as these forces gained momentum.The dynamic raised in this case study suggestive of anassociation between problem drinking; control; and resistance tochange in one's environment has not been identified formallythrough research to the knowledge of this investigator. It is apotentially fruitful area for further investigation. The factthat all collaterals described the build up of naturallyoccurring, uncontrollable phenomena lends support for thisdynamic hypothesis. These were of apparant importance in Jim'scoming to grips with being out of control, firstly with regard tohis problem drinking and later with regard to other phenomena.As mentioned, coexisting naturally occurring phenomena alsoreached climactic points within months of Jim's resolution tochange - the origins of which were slowly and progressivelyencountered: Lisa's maturation culminating to her independence,graduation and new boyfriend; Changing relationship with Dan - aslowly evolving closeness culminating to his ultimate death andseparation; Anne's slow and progressive personal growthculminating in her assertiveness and anger; progressive physicalfailings and bodily limitations while working on the farm -culminating in failures to keep up.189Empirical research is limited by it's emphasis onsignificant events at the time of resolution to change. Stalland Biernacki (1986) discovered references to these naturalinfluences made at this climax time: health problems;significant others changes; significant accidents; and internalpsychic change and motivation. Although these phenomena havebeen identified as relevant at the point of resolution, theyhaven't been elaborated sufficiently, as part of a much longer,slower process evolving in conjunction with problem drinking toabstinence. Much more research is needed to confirm ordisconfirm the questions raised from this present case studyconcerning the association between naturally occurring phenomenaand control efforts, and problem drinking and control efforts.Klingemann's (1991) research offered support for the above stateddiscovery of a progressive cumulative change leading to a climaxexperience of consciousness raising. He asserted that drinkingwas embedded in the whole personal life course and that anobjectively high level of stress "losses" contributed toconsciousness raising. Saunders and Kershaw (1979) verified thefindings of this case study in their conclusions regarding thecumulative effects of interacting life events as pre requisiteconditions for self initiated change. In addition theseresearchers recognized the important of naturally occurringphenomena, but again limited to the period of resolution tochange.190Hitting Bottom: Losing and Relinquishing Control Change from problem drinking has been explored as part ofthe experience of "hitting bottom" (Tuchfeld, 1981; Ludwig, 1985;Biernacki, 1986; Klingemann, 1991). In this case "losingcontrol" was a part of the experience of hitting bottom. AppendixJ provides an account of Jim's verbatim statements associatedwith losing control. He referred to a culmination of all thetimes where in turn he progressively realized "I've got to dosomething about it." This passage revealed the experience ofself discovery and consciousness raising "in the moment"summarized by the pattern of portrait congruence. Thiscongruence or portrait unity was revealed by the harmonyexperienced by perceptions, feelings, and actions at a givenmoment in time. Harmony doesn't imply contentment or positiveexperiences but rather consistency and compatibility. Jim'sexperience of hitting bottom reflected portrait compatibility.He perceived a portrait in the future as a derelict; perceivednegative associations to drinking, drinking as a threat to prizedportrait values; felt degradation, failure, loneliness, guilt,contradiction and conflict, and acted on these by telling hiswife and employer he needed help, that he was too drunk to go towork.At the time of hitting bottom, identification of lostcontrol was confined to not having control over drinking.I was still staggering...came to the realization Ihad lost control, I mean really lost control....it was like I've really got to do something aboutthis.191Realizations of uncontrollable realities (feelings), wereidentified subsequent to this in Sub story 19 - Waking Up andCalling Work:I wasn't able to admit to myself who I was.The feelings I had that I couldn't get out... thefact that I was weak and couldn't fulfil all thatwas expected of me. .1 wasn't being me.In his letter, control limits were further revealed:I'm at^learning I'm not as macho or controlledas I thought I was.With reference to Dan's death:I remember screaming at you "Breath you ---asshole!"Then I had to gain control. I gave myself somethingto do. ...I went back to your home with your familybut that time I was in control again. I'm pretty goodat suppressing my emotions.. .I'm paying the price.I never really said goodbye to you Dan. Maybe Ithought I did but I never really let the tears gonow I can't stop them.Recognition of the uncontrollable began with a proclamationof Jim's inability to control drinking and began the process ofrecognition or discovery of other limits to control. Thisprocess of admitting one's inability to control or overpowerboth drinking and naturally occurring phenomena, set the stagefor relaxing resistance efforts. Letting go and acceptance wereobserved in certain significant relationships.Whenever I go and visit my parents, my dad and Iend up chatting about something and talking away.Ah it's easier to disagree now. It's not a problemnow. I think he's more accepting that I'm an adultand we can actually have a discussion without himsaying "You'll change your mind when you grow up"it's like "Alright you have your way of thinking,you're a big kid". Instead of "well you'llsmarten up when you get older". He seems to bemore accepting.192Relevant Research: Climax Related Experiences Peak and Bottom Experiences This study did not reveal the theorized necessity for aspiritual awakening and religious conversion for sustained, longterm change from problem drinking. Jim's story didn't revealpeak episodes suggestive of a spiritual, mystical ortranscendental experience in relation to the climax of changefrom problem drinking. Research has identified such phenomena(Ludwig, 1985; Tuchfeld, 1981; Biernacki, 1986 and Valliant,1983). The present study disconfirmed religious conversionpresuppositions of the Alcoholics Anonymous recovery processrepresented in appendix B by steps three, five, six, seven,eleven and twelve (1979). This case revealed more of aconsciousness raising and awakening. In the opening remarks ofthis chapter, an analogy to change was presented in terms of ahatching process. Vaillant (1983) stated that this hatchingreflects "subconsciously maturing processes eventuating inresults of which we suddenly grow conscious" (p. 189). Jim'ssudden moments of consciousness were spiritual-like as hedescribed "sitting there and a light went on to tell me `You'renot weird, you're not weak...'". The higher power in theseencounters reflected more of his idealized higher authority ormythical hero in terms of what was acceptable and permissible, astandard to measure oneself against in an idealized portraitimage.This case research revealed several findings consistentwith previous case study research. Tuchfeld (1981) discoveredthat humiliating experiences were often cited as "reasons" for193change. Although this study doesn't support the cause effectrelationship to a specific event and change from problemdrinking, such experiences were identified.Ludwig (1985) found that unpleasant mental associations toalcohol preceded change; as did a "cognitive reorientation".This case supported findings representative of cognitive basedassumptions as part of the process of self appraisal and selfconfrontation concerning associations to drinking. Positivedrinking associations as a policeman were "reappraised" andreframed to a negative perspective - being weak, ending up onskid row, being abandoned and alone. This reflects an importantshift cognitively and emotionally, raising the importance ofpersonal values. In this case, Jim's experience of hittingbottom did more than capture his attention (Valliant, 1983) it,provided the opportunity to sketch himself over time, past-present-future. Klingemann (1991) discovered a similar processwith "auto remitters" in their use of mental imagery - picturingoneself in an extremely negative or devalued light.Overall the experience of hitting bottom and ongoingrecovery processes in this case did not support the AlcoholicsAnonymous assumptions regarding the need for religiousaffiliation and conversion. Nor did this case support the viewthat one must reach a point of complete physical, mental andemotional collapse. Jim was nowhere near such a collapse. Thefact that he had much more to lose contributed to the potency ofself appraisal and contrasts over time. Cognitive basedprocesses were confirmed as relevant to the experience of change194at the point of resolution to act or the contemplation to actionstages presented by Prochaska and DiClemente (1986).Self Deception and Change Findings of this study are compatible to Fingarette's modelof human consciousness from self deception (1985). According tohis definition of self deception (provided in chapter 2), Jim'schange from problem drinking evolved in concert with the processof disavowal to avowal of certain portrait features, constituentsand "engagements". The seeds of self deception were apparent inthe beginning sub stories as affiliation patterns inclusive of:romanticism and hero idealism; arousal; fragmented portraitexperiences; and reciprocal or complementary deception fromother's portrait realities. Identification with the externalgroup and hero ideal set the foundation for the next patternprocess of resistance. Resistance patterns became engagementsnecessary for affiliating with the ideal hero and being heroic.Self and other deceptions are understandable in order to maintaina harmonious, unconflicted heroic portrayal.In relation to appendix A, this study found no clearevidence to substantiate the existence of a special unique formof alcoholic "denial". Jim's deceptions and maneuvers aimed tolimit his awareness, were not confined to drinking deceptions(although certainly a component of resistance patterns). Infact, Jim repeatedly acknowledged he knew he had a drinkingproblem throughout much of the problem drinking period. Aspecial "denial" process or mechanism was much less apparent thanthe overall attempts at disavowing negative portrait features, of195which drinking was just one aspect. Jim knew that alcohol wasthe cause of many of his problems, his deceptions in manyrespects were aimed at hiding this knowledge from others.Viewing denial as a construct defined in appendix A, has thepotential to reduce our understanding of the individual'schanging portrait realities. Disease model assumptions label theindividual's experience and behaviors as "distorted thinking".The existential view of multiple realities, on the other hand,may be more beneficial in terms of understanding "denial" or selfdeception. At least two realities are operating when "denial" isviewed: the observor's reality and the actor's reality. Whatappears to be distortion to the observor may be entirelyreasonable to the actor. In the case of Jim's deceptions (selfand others), hiding, pretence, concealing, were very "reasonable"and undistorted when considering his story. Deception wasessential to uphold the image of being heroic and living inaccordance with the ideals and values of the external reality -police, family and larger society, inclusive of the value of"drinking with the guys". It was these values and standards thatJim ultimately came to question. Only when he sketched his ownself "narrative" over time did he realize the duality of hisportrait as a story "actor" versus story "teller" and recognizethe contradiction between his actions (unheroic problem drinking)and his values or motives.^This view supports the position thatthe self deceiver, Jim, made use of resistance patterns andresistance like skills in the maintenance of a "narrativeidentity" in the form of the heroic policeman.^Crites (1986)raised the importance of the process of recollection in order to196create a visual image of one's self in storyform. Jim lived aromanticized police story reminiscent of his early idealizedhero. There are two portrait "realities" implied here: aportrait who does the recollecting and the portrait who appearsas a story character. The "hiatus" between these two portraitsis bridged by self deception. Jim's experience of hitting bottomis analogous to a division realized and felt between the storybook hero he recollected and the self in the present tense —experiencing the magnitude of self confrontation.In summary, Jim lived as if he were playing a part in astory. He loved the drama and excitement of policing, he lovedthe hero myth and story telling and he performed in accordancewith these values, of which drinking was intimately associated.Avowing engagements that were inconsistent with being heroicwould render his life story "inconsistent, unconvincing, absurd"(Sarbin, 1986). How could a hero not control his drinking? Howcould a hero feel weakness and failure? How could a protectorfeel frightened of death? How could a policeman cry? When weunderstand what underlies the "distorted" thinking andcontradictions inherent in drinking patterns, the story is morecoherent. Morris (1986) recognized self deception as a pivotalfeature in changing attempts to try and regulate and controlone's drinking. Confronting self deceptive acts regardingdrinking was essential for ongoing abstinence. This studyconfirms this finding, as Jim confronted his problem drinkingprojects first and then went onto other "awakenings" and selfdiscoveries.197Implications for Future Research and Practise In viewing the major plot directions and portrait themesfrom the beginning to the end of the story, a number oftheoretical viewpoints are of potential value for understandingthe process of change and its associative patterns. The findingsraised in this case study are consistent with theories whichemphasize the significance of relationship dynamics; socialgroups and roles; self identity and self awareness; andindividuation and separation. This case didn't find significantsupport for the assumptions raised by the disease model ofalcoholism with respect to the involuntary disease entity whichplaces the individual at an inherent physiological disadvantagefrom the rest of society.There are two major contexts of significance raised in thisstudy: work and family. Concepts of role taking and roletransitions (Sarbin, 1983) are appropriate with respect to Jim'smultiple police identities and the construction of roles or partsto enact. This context provided "scripts" for performing rolesin keeping with acceptable "social" standards: a undercover copscript; choirpractises partying script; beat cop script; old timepolicing script; macho group script; father figure/protectorscript; and drinking scripts. The difficulty Jim encounteredconcerned the rigidity of these roles and their lack offlexibility or capability to reveal personal nonscripted portraitfeatures such as non group relevant feelings and conflict. Jimencountered difficulty at transition points where the roles andscripts were not "adjustable".198A second theoretical perspective which is validated in thisstudy refers to those social interaction and symbolic interactionbased theories referred to by Slater (1985) in chapter 2. ^Thesetheories emphasize social structures and influences which shapeand intensify the "addictive" potential in us all. It wasapparent that Jim's cultural background, peer relationships, lackof a significant non drinking male model, and particularly hisworking contexts involving heavy drinking from both Scotland andCanada, set the stage for problem drinking. Hereditary factorswere are much less identifiable. Jim's grandfather wasidentified as a problem drinker, but his own father was not. Itwould appear that social factors were stronger influences inJim's developing a problem drinking career then disease orhereditary factors. The strength of his identification to thepolice peer group was seen in his choice to reunite, reintegratehis new portrait qualities back into the original context ofpolicing. Jim did not choose to leave the force or to become"anti social" but instead opted back into this group by acquiringnew police roles as counsellor and teacher. The significance ofrole interactions; role transitions; role change and integrationare supported by this case study. This has implications forfuture research and practise in terms of expanding the context ofthe research and practise beyond the individual's immediate selfto other dynamic "forces" or influences inclusive of work andfamily settings. Jim's successes were in large part, due to theacceptance he received from significant people in both contexts.In this respect, conceptions underlying the family systems andinteraction models of recovery and change are confirmed in199relation to their potential to influence change from problemdrinking (as well as problem drinking itself). Treatment forthis case included family members in a group setting, and thiswas an important catalyst for subsequent self discoveries andacceptance experiences.^By expanding the changing dynamicwithin family relationships to work relationships Jim has raisedthe odds in his favour regarding incorporating new portraitqualities in new work related roles. In reference to practiseimplications, Tomko (1988) identified the successes in thefollowing therapeutic practises: role playing, role reversal, inthe context of group and family therapy.Another important portrait feature lends support to theobject relations theory. Jim sought out opportunities to joinand feel a part of others. His identity became the groupidentity and he thereby developed what object relations theoristswould term a group "symbiosis" (Mahler, 1968). According to thistheory, Jim lacked a clear self identity. He was dependent uponthe group for self or portrait definition and suppressed anyconflicting portrait "discoveries". In keeping with this theory,Jim hadn't mastered the process of separation or individuation ashe sought out opportunities to affiliate and internalize groupvalues, standards, interests and behaviors inclusive of drinking.His time in treatment theoretically represented an opportunityfor Jim to differentiate and separate by realizing and acceptinghis own uniqueness or separateness (Kernberg, 1975).Theories which in turn support the above framework in turnsupport the potential for self discovery. Although not adequateor complete enough to reflect the complexity of plot and portrait200themes raised by this case study, the cognitive oriented andsocial learning theories do provide insight into the processes ofself confrontation, discovery and appraisal.^Cognitiveprocesses were evident as mentioned above, and opportunities toenhance portrait "awakenings" have significant therapeutic value.With respect to self deception, it would appear that thevalue of the retrospective "story telling" as a therapeuticprocess in itself, has potential to benefit the problem drinker.Although research has discounted the value of problem drinker'sstories - lacking in accuracy and truth, this case revealed apotential benefit to allowing the problem drinker to tell theirstory, regardless of whether they have resolved to stop drinkingor not. Sobell et al (1988) found that the accounts of problemdrinkers were valid and reliable overall. There is a practicalissue raised in terms of therapeutic intervention or help for theproblem drinker. Although the disease model exonerates theproblem drinker from any responsibility in the acquisition of thedisease, it places their power external to the self.^Inassuming that denial as a natural consequence or symptom of thedisease will occur in predetermined behaviors or maneuvers, thereis some danger in the practitioner or therapist assuming to knowmore about the individual's reality then the individual. Inpractise, the assumptions underlying the disease model sketch adevalued portrait of one who is sick and deceitful. In this casestudy, change was facilitated by empowerment and acceptance alongwith self responsibility. Any treatment milieu that removes thepotential for these processes - takes away power, acceptance and201responsibility opportunities, is at risk for recreating thesymbiosis described by object relations theorists.The following quote describes features of the AlcoholicsAnonymous group dynamic which bear a striking resemblance to thepattern dynamics revealed by this case in relation to the groupaffiliation; interaction and identification processes:Identification is the very essence of the affiliationprocess. The role played by the sponsor may sometimes beimportant, but can be exaggerated. Identification is notwith any one established member so much as with fragmentsof a whole series of life histories which are synthesizedinto identification with the group ideal. The importanceof identification in group dynamics...and identificationassumes particular importance in the leaderless groupwhich must have a clear and firmly established pictureof the ideal member. (Edwards, 1967, p. 203)This quote echoes those patterns illuminated by the present casestudy as problem drinking precursors or patterns of affiliation:group versus individual identity; idealism and heroism; fantasyand illusion. These experiences are recaptured in a new contextof non drinkers, Alcoholics Anonymous. It is important to notethat Jim did not chose to participate in the fellowship of A.A.Instead he reunited back into the police group context whilesimultaneously regaining mastery in several new roles. The storyending patterns of self observation; support seeking andreceiving; and recapturing strength and mastery provide somedirection for practise and therapy. An important changingportrait feature relates to balancing individuality withaffiliation. Jim incorporated his independent portrait valuesinto his role as a policeman. The change evident in becomingmore independent or self aware has implications for practise as202well in relation to personal agency and self responsibility.Shotter presents this growth dynamic as a process of:being able to say 'I' of oneself, of being able tounderstand the uniqueness of one's own position inrelation to others, and to take responsibility forone's own actions. (1986, p. 143)Conclusion This study's purpose was to reveal the depth of theexperience of change from problem drinking through a single casestudy approach. Understanding this phenomena was enhanced byusing multiple sources of descriptive data including anindividual who experienced change from problem drinking andsignificant other collaterals present at the time of change.Using a qualitative approach, the data was collected by means ofa minimally structured interview with an emphasis on storytelling using features of narrative elaboration in the discourse.Verbatim transcripts were analyzed using several qualitativemethods and a quantitative ordering method. This studyhighlighted a method of narrative analysis and synthesis ofthirty five "sub stories" revealing major plots and patternsassociated with change from problem drinking.Findings require further empirical refinement andconfirmation but suggest that change from problem drinking is ahighly interactive and progressive phenomena, not a momentary orclimax dependent "event". 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It is characterized by continuousor periodic impaired control over drinking, preoccupation withthe drug alcohol, use of alcohol despite adverse consequences anddistortions in thinking most notably denial. primary refers to the nature of alcoholism as a disease entityin addition to and separate from other pathophysiologic stateswhich may be associated with it. Primary suggests thatalcoholism as an addiction is not a symptom of an underlyingdisease state. disease means an involuntary disability. It represents thesum of the abnormal phenomena displayed by a group ofindividuals. These phenomena are associated with a specificcommon set of characteristics by which these individuals differfrom the norm, and which places them at a disadvantage. often progressive and fatal means that the disease persistsover time and that physical, emotional and social changes areoften cumulative and may progress as drinking continues. impaired control means the inability to limit alcohol use orconsistently limit on any drinking occasion the duration of theepisode, the quantity consumed, and or behavioral consequencesof drinking.. preoccupation  in association with alcohol use indicatesexcessive, focused attention given to the drug alcohol, itseffects and or its use. The relative value thus assigned toalcohol by the individual often leads to a diversion of energiesaway from important life concerns. adverse life consequences  are alcohol related problems orimpairments in such areas as: physical health; psychologicalfunctioning; interpersonal functioning; and legal, financial orspiritual problems.. denial is used here not only in the psychoanalytic sense ofa single psychological defense mechanism disavowing thesignificance of events, but more broadly to include a range ofpsychological maneuvers designed to reduce awareness of the factthat alcohol use is the cause of an individual's problems ratherthan a solution to those problems. Denial becomes an integralpart of the disease and a major obstacle to recovery.(Definition by the Joint Committee to study the definition andcriteria for the diagnosis of alcoholism. National Council onAlcoholism and the American Society of Addiction Medicine (1990).210Appendix B Alcoholics Anonymous - Twelve Step Recovery ProgramStep 1:^We admitted we were powerless over alcohol - that ourlives had become unmanageable.Step 2:^Came to believe that a Power greater than ourselvescould restore us to sanity.Step 3:^Made a decision to turn our will and our lives to thecare of God as we understood Him.Step 4:^Made a searching and fearless moral inventory ofourselves.Step 5:^Admitted to God, to ourselves, and to another humanbeing, the exact nature of our wrongs.Were entirely ready to have God remove all thesedefects of character.Humbly asked Him to remove our shortcomings.Made a list of all persons we had harmed, and becamewilling to make amends to them all.Made direct amends to such people whenever possible,except when to do so would injure them or others.Continued to take personal inventory and when we werewrong promptly admitted it.Sought through prayer and meditation to improve ourconscious contact with God as we understood Him,praying only for knowledge of His will for us and thepower to carry that out.Having had a spiritual awakening as the result ofthese steps, we tried to carry this message toalcoholics, and to practise these principles in allour affairs.Alcoholics AnonymousThe Big Book (1979)Step 6:Step 7:Step 8:Step 9:Step 10:Step 11:Step 12:211Appendix C Letter of Recruitment University of British Columbia, Department of CounsellingPsychology. Faculty of Education,5780 Toronto Road, Vancouver, B.C. V6T 1L2Dear (volunteer participant),I am presently seeking volunteer participants for my thesisresearch and would appreciate you considering being involved asthe principal participant of this study. This research is apart of my masters program in the above department under thesupervision of Dr. Larry Cochran who can be reached at 228-5259.The title of this research is A Story of Change From Problem Drinking. The purpose is to obtain a detailed story of how youexperienced this change. Additional interviews will beconducted with at least two significant other persons who werepresent with you as this change was occurring, and who would bewilling to describe their observations and experiences as theywitnessed this change. These interviews will take from 3 - 7hours per person in total and all responses will be keptconfidential.This study emphasizes the expression of thoughts, feelings andexperiences relevant to change from problem drinking. Allparticipants must be able to discuss their story version in somedepth. A criteria for your participation is a history ofproblem drinking prior to a minimum of twelve months abstinencefrom alcohol and all other mood altering drugs. A secondcriteria is the availability of two significant persons to actas collateral participants. All participants are free towithdraw from this study at any time.Potential benefits of participating include an opportunity togain insight as the meaning of this significant experience andthe opportunity to validate and provide feedback to theresearcher throughout the process of interviewing and analysis.If you are interested please complete the attached AlcoholScreening Questionnaire and final questions on the attachedpage. By completing and returning these documents in their selfaddressed envelope, it will be assumed that consent has beengiven for a preliminary assessment of your eligibility asprincipal participant. This information will be kept strictlyconfidential. If you meet this basic criterion, you will becontacted for arranging a more in depth screening interview inperson. I would like to express my sincere thanks for takingtime to consider participation in this research. Completion ofthis preliminary questionnaire (enclosed) should takeapproximately five minutes.Co Investigator's signature and contact information)212Appendix D University of British Columbia Participant Informed Consent FormProject Title: A Story of Change From Problem DrinkingPurpose of the Study: To obtain detailed descriptive narrativesof the experience of change from problem drinking.Procedures: As participants, your involvement will be as co-researchers in one of two participant categories:1: As the principal co-researcher you will have experiencedchanging from problem drinking directly. You willinterviewed in person and asked to elaborate in story formhow this change occurred - what was significant and howthis experience was lived. Inclusion in this study willrequire completion of a brief Alcohol Screening Testinitially and independently; and if qualified, a subsequentin person Alcohol Screening Test will follow to confirmthese results.2: As collateral co-researcher you will have had directexperience observing and interacting with the aboveparticipant as he or she was experiencing changing fromproblem drinking. You will be interviewed in personand asked to describe your experiences and observationsof this individual's change.The procedure for all participant co-researchers involvesintensive interview dialogue beginning with an open endedrequest to elaborate upon your story, with a beginning, middleand an ending. Individual interviews will take from three toseven hours and all interviews will be conducted in private in amutually agreed upon location, and will be audio taped. Tapedinterviews will then be transcribed whereby all identifyinginformation will be deleted. All the information collected willremain confidential and under no circumstances will you beeither specifically or indirectly identified. At the end of thestudy these tapes will be erased.Benefits/Risks: By participating in this study your experienceas either a principal or collateral co-researcher will allow anin depth understanding of the meaning of this phenomena in yourlife. Although not an objective of this study, reflection onexperience and change in significant life areas enhances selfawareness and personal insight. Your feedback will be used tovalidate investigator's conclusions.Other Information: Your participation in this study isvoluntary. You may refuse to participate or withdraw at anytime. Any questions you may have at any time throughout thisstudy can be answered by contacting the Principle Investigator -Dr. Larry Cochran or the Co-Investigator - Judith Beale atUnder the above conditions I agree to participate in thisproject and I acknowledge having received a copy of this consentform. Name: ^Signature:^Date:213Appendix E Alcohol Screening Questionnaire Brief Form This is a modified version of the Michigan Alcohol ScreeningTest (M.A.S.T.) adapted from Selzer (1971).The purpose of this questionnaire is to assess whether or notyou have had a problem drinking history. For the purpose ofthis project you must reflect back to a period of at leasttwelve months ago when you experienced problem drinking. Pleaseanswer every question by circling "Yes" or "No" as appropriate.1. Did you feel you were a normal drinker?^Yes No(By normal we mean you drank as much or lessthan the average person)2. Did friends or relatives think you were anormal drinker?^ Yes No3. Had you attended a meeting of AlcoholicsAnonymous because of your drinking?^Yes No4. Had you lost friends or girl/boyfriendsbecause of your drinking?^ Yes No5. Had you experienced trouble at workbecause of your drinking? Yes No6. Had you neglected your obligations, yourfamily or your work for two or more daysin a row because of your drinking?^Yes No7. Had you experienced delirium tremens (DT's)severe shaking, heard voices or saw thingsthat were not there after heavy drinking? ^Yes No8. Had you gone to anyone for help about yourdrinking?^ Yes No9.^Had you been in a hospital because of drinking?^Yes No10 Had you been arrested for drunk driving?^YesNoPlease indicate whether you are interested in participating as aprincipal co researcher in this study:^Yes^NoPlease indicate whether or not you would be willing and able toidentify at least two significant persons to act as collateralco-researchers for the study.^Yes^NoIf you can meet all selection criteria above, you will becontacted for an in person screening and validation interview.The following information is requested so that I may contact youdirectly.Name: ^Age:Sex: F^ M Telephone Number:Appendix F Letter of Authorization for Disclosure of Confidential Information This letter will serve to authorize Ms. Judith Beale tointerview ^ (collateral professional) concerning thedetails of ^ (principal coresearcher) recovery fromproblem drinking while attending a residential program.I^ (principal coresearcher) give permission toMs. Beale and ^ (collateral professional) to discussconfidential information pertaining to myself as a former clientin residential treatment at^ (treatment location).This information is only to be used for the purpose of Ms.Beale's research on Change From Problem Drinking to which I havevolunteered to be the principal coresearcher.WitnessDate214215Appendix G Principal Co-Researcher's Response to the Alcohol Screening Questionnaire Brief FormThis is a modified version of the Michigan Alcohol ScreeningTest (M.A.S.T.) adapted from Selzer (1971).The purpose of this questionnaire is to assess whether or notyou have had a problem drinking history. For the purpose ofthis project you must reflect back to a period of at leasttwelve months ago when you experienced problem drinking. Pleaseanswer every question by circling "Yes" or "No" as appropriate.1. Did you feel you were a normal drinker?^Yes No(By normal we mean you drank as much or lessthan the average person)2. Did friends or relatives think you were anormal drinker?^ Yes No3. Had you attended a meeting of AlcoholicsAnonymous because of your drinking?^Yes No4. Had you lost friends or girl/boyfriendsbecause of your drinking?^ Yes No5. Had you experienced trouble at workbecause of your drinking? Yes No6. Had you neglected your obligations, yourfamily or your work for two or more daysin a row because of your drinking?^Yes No7. Had you experienced delirium tremens (DT's)severe shaking, heard voices or saw thingsthat were not there after heavy drinking?^Yes No8. Had you gone to anyone for help about yourdrinking?^ Yes No9.^Had you been in a hospital because of drinking? Yes No10 Had you been arrested for drunk driving? ^Yes NoPlease indicate whether you are interested in participating as aprincipal co researcher in this study:^Yes X^ No^Please indicate whether or not you would be willing and able toidentify at least two significant persons to act as collateralco-researchers for the study.^Yes^X^ No^If you can meet all selection criteria above, you will becontacted for an in person screening and validation interview.The following information is requested so that I may contact youdirectly.Name: ^Age: 48^Sex: F^ MX Telephone Number:*Co Researcher's score of four recommended further assessmentAppendix H Michigan Alcohol Screening Test M.A.S.T. 2^14. Had you ever gotten into trouble becauseof your drinking?^ No2^15. Had you ever lost a job because of yourdrinking?^ No2^^16. Had you ever neglected your obligations,family, or your work for two or more daysbecause of your drinking?^ Yes1^17. Did you ever drink before noon?^Yes2^18. Had you ever been told you have livertrouble?^Cirrhosis? No2^19. Had you ever had delirium tremens, severeshaking, heard voices or seen things thatweren't there after heavy drinking?^Yes5^20. Had you ever gone for help about yourdrinking? ***^ No216ts^ Yes No2^1. Did you feel you are a normal drinker?^No2^2. Had you ever awakened the morning after somedrinking the night before and found you couldnot remember a part of the evening?^Yes1^3. Did your wife ever worry or complain aboutyour drinking?^ Yes2^4. Could you stop drinking without a struggleafter one or two drinks?^ No1^5. Did you ever feel bad about your drinking^Yes2^6. Did friends and relatives think you are a Nonormal drinker?0^7. Did you ever try to limit your drinking tocertain times of the day or places?^Yes2^8. Were you always able to stop drinking whenyou wanted to?^ No5^9. Had you ever attended an Alcoholics Anonymousmeeting?^ No1^10. Had you gotten into fights when drinking?^No2^11. Had drinking ever created problems with yourwife? Yes2^12. Had your wife ever gone to anyone for helpabout your drinking?^ No2^13. Had you ever lost friends because of yourdrinking?^ Yes5^21. Had you ever been in a hospital because ofdrinking? No2^22. Had you ever been a patient in a hospital oron a psychiatric ward where drinking was partof the problem?^ No2^23. Had you ever been seen at a psychiatric or mentalhealth clinic, or gone to a doctor, social workeror clergyman for help with an emotional problemin which drinking had played a part?^No2^24. Had you ever been arrested even for a few hoursbecause of drunk behaviour?^ No217Appendix H - M.A.S.T. questions and corresponding coresearcherscores continued:2^25. Had you ever been arrested for drunk drivingor driving after drinking?^ NoTotal M.A.S.T. Score as highlighted = 21 A score of three points or less = nonalcoholicA score of four points suggestive of = alcoholismA score of five points or more indicative of = alcoholism***Question 20 - answered from the perspective of a selfinitiated abstinence decision preceeding any help or treatment.Selzer (1971)Appendix I The Lifeline Exercise Modified to Suit this Research Topic The lifeline is an exploration exercise that draws out lifeexperiences; decisions; major events; significant individuals;feelings; key transitions or changes as they occured over time,similar to a chronology of life episodes or events. Itrepresents time as a line where the far left point on the linemay mark the build up or beginning of events; in this case thosewhich preceeded your change from problem drinking. The farright point can be used to signify the time and experienceswhich represented how, when, and where this change began foryou, however it began for you. Take the pencil and just freelychronicle on the line whatever comes to mind over time as youcame to experience the beginning point of your changing fromproblem drinking.218Reference: Jaffe and Scott (1989)219Appendix JSample: First Stage Narrative/ Sub Story Analysis of Meaning UnitsThe following excerpts are an illustration of meaning unitsspoken by the principal co researcher in a section of theinitial interview. The researcher's transcript is omittedleaving the co researcher's unaltered statements. Thesestatements are numbered and kept within their original narrativeorder. A vignette or sub story makes up sections of thesemeaning units which are titled and given a narrative ordernumber. This section includes sub stories 1 to the beginning of6. These sub stories are then "re arranged" along a timecontinuum.Meaning Unit^Sub Story Number/Title and Transcript "Data" Clusters Sub Story 1: Woke UP 5^I think the thing that did it to me was I woke up onemorning and was.. .came too one morning and was stilltoo drunk to drive to work. This was the time whenI said I've got to do something about this.6^I came to realize I was just gone.. .still staggeringand.. .woke my wife and said I've got to do something.I can't go to work today I'm too drunk.7^I never missed work. I've never been late. I knowit doesn't sound like much.8^This was the straw that said you've got to dosomething about it.9^I had some good stressors before that.(Using the Lifeline as a recall tool)Sub Story 2: Family History 10^Got into drinking 8 years... I always drank fairlyheavy and this is accepted in Scotland. You drinkscotch and beer.11^What you do in a bar and it's acceptable when you'rea young guy you go out and you get drunk. That'sa fact of life.12^Came from a family who were non drinkers. My motherwas totally against alcohol. Brother didn't drinkat all.13^My father drown when we were just little kids.14 My grandfather was an alcohol.15^I didn't recognize it until later...never. ^any abusein the family in any way. He was an old bugger, heavybrowed, didn't talk to anyone, was a quiet man.16^^My mother was against drinking and we never had anyalcohol in the house.17^Once I was a bit older then yeh, you had to godrinking with the guys or there was something wrong...220Appendix J continued:Sub Story 3: The Police Department and Heavy Drinking 18^^Then I came to Canada and joined the P.D. - Drinkingokay.19^Not so much now but it's still to a certain extent.Everytime someone moved from one job to another, theywould have a party to transfer him over.. .transferringhim away and they would have a party accepting him.All drinking, heavy drinking.20^Have you ever read the Choirboys? It's almost trueto life the amount of drinking that goes on. And yeswe would have choir practises, we had a name for ourdrinking parties, it was the guys who worked say 8 atnight to 4 in the morning and would usually meet some-where and drink.21^Our excuse was to get rid of the frustrations butreally it was an excuse to drink.22^Just having fun, a part of the group? I don't knowit probably wasn't necessary.23^And I worked undercover in the P.D. and ah all in thebars drinking.24^A job requirement was to go into the bars and mix withthe people. You had to drink, you had to. If you'rein a bar with a bunch of people and you had to get upto go to the washroom you couldn't leave a half filleddrink there because you don't know what they might putin it when you're gone. See they're always there soit's stressful.25^Yeh there's a lot of pressure. It's therecontinuously when you're working where it's highpressure in a bar. Anything can happen to you in abar.Sub Story 4: The Hostage Shooting Incident 26^Then I became a member of the emergency response teamand one of the incidents I got involved in was onthe "east side".27^There was a hostage taking and the bad guy had theyoung girl as hostage at gunpoint. Fired shots at thepoliceman and she started to run away, towards me. Iwas open, she was there, he had hold of her.. .he wasgoing to shoot so I shot first and got him and her.Killed neither of them, hers were minor wounds buthe was bleeding all over.28^So I developed a little bit more of a drinking problemafter that one. That would be 8-9 years ago.29^I found after that it was easier to get to sleep ifhalf swacked.30^This was the one that set me up for good to get intoit. Alcohol would be my support system.221Appendix J continued:31^What you got to remember is we are very macho. Youcan't say that you're ah... you can't cry. You can'tadmit you feel bad about doing something. You can'tfeel bad about something happening. You've got to bethe big tough guy regardless of how you feel. Thefront has to be there.32^If you don't have the resources yourself, you turn toalcohol.Researcher asked if he felt badly then?Oh yes. I had nightmares and couldn't sleep at night.Sub Story 5: Being In the SWAT Team 33^All the training. I'd been through all the trainingfor the emergency response team. That's the SWATon television. The guys with the black suit, blackmask, big guns where we would do the raids on drughouses.34^Remember a few years ago another cop was killed in^. He and I trained together, and ahh actuallythe time he got shot quite a few of the guys thoughtit was me. He was wearing a mask and got shot inthe face and you couldn't recognize who he was. Allyou could see was the nametag.35^You experience the intensity but you can't go to apsychiatrist, couldn't go to a shrink, because there'dbe something wrong with you.36^You could talk tough about it but couldn't talk abouthow you really felt.37^That's changed by the way in the past few years.38 There was a lot of game playing. Yeh a lot of roleplaying. A lot of toughness involved, a lot of havingto be tough and appear tough and really inside notbeing tough.39^I cry at sad movies and all that. The most of it isthe pressure of not being able to get out what youreally are.Sub Story 6: Family Life 40^Good home life.41 Still married to the same girl.42^I've never been an abuser, even when I was a drinker.43 Always a quiet drinker. The one who sat quietly inthe corner.44^Never got involved in crazy things.45 You'll probably find from my daughter Lisa, is thatthey probably liked me better drunk then sober becauseI'd be more open, more talkative.46^Yes I guess.. .shy, that's one of the things.47 Although I'm not really particularly shy, I don'tthink.48^But maybe getting the emotions out would be one of thereasons I'd drink.222Appendix K List of Sub Stories: Titles and Numbered Order References Time ordered ^Narrative^Titlesequence^Spoken Order Story Prelude:1^ 2^Family History2 12 Vision of Being a PolicemanStory Beginning:3^ 3^Police Department andHeavy Drinking4 22 Paid to Drink5 13^One of the Guys atChoirpractise6^ 14 Boredom/Terror Ratio7 18^Witnessing Death8 34 Old Style Policcing9 6a Family Life- Jim's View10^ 6b^Family Life - Anne's View11 6c Family Life - Kate's View12 35 Late Night Chats - LisaStory Middle and Transition13^ 4a^The Hostage Incident -Jim'sview14 4b The Hostage Incident -Anne'sview15^ 5^Being in The SWAT Team16 15 A Rough Time17 7a Sneaking Drinks -At Home: Jim18 7b^Sneaking Drinks -At Home:Anne's view19^ 7c Sneaking Drinks -At Home:Lisa's view20 9^Insight Into Me21 36 Growing Up/Lisa's Story22^ 25a Losing Dan - Anne's view23 25b^Losing Dan - Lisa's view24 25b Losing Dan - Jim' Letterexcerpt - relevant meaning unit^DegredationStory Climax and Transition25^ 8^Going Downhill26 1 Woke Up223Appendix K; Sub Story Lists continued:27^ 19a^Waking up and callingWork. Jim's view28 19b Waking up and callingwork. Anne's viewStory Ending29^ 10a^Treatment ExperiencesJim's view30 10b Treatment ExperiencesAnne's View31^ 10c^Treatment ExperiencesMike's View32 37 Lisa's Graduation33 17^Insight Into FeelingsTime Relevant Excerpt Lisa's comments34^ 20 Further Changes35 21^Being A Policeman NowThe following sub stories were either renumbered or not includedin the story narrative: 11 - became 10a16 - incorporated with 1523 - repetitive dialogue24 - renumbered 19b26 - redundant and collateral theory27 - redundant and non drinking related28 - renumbered 10b29 - collateral theory30 - non drinking related31 - renumbered 7b32 - included in 10b33 - included in 25

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