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A narrative study of compulsive sexual behaviour in men Burr, F. Patrick 1998

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A Narrative S t u d y of Compulsive Sexual Behaviour in M e n  by F. Patrick Burr B . S c , S p r i n g Hill C o l l e g e , 1970 M . S c , University of M i n n e s o t a , 1980  A T h e s i s submitted in Partial Fulfilment of the R e q u i r e m e n t s for the D e g r e e of M a s t e r of Arts in  the Faculty of G r a d u a t e S t u d i e s (The department of C o u n s e l l i n g P s y c h o l o g y )  W e a c c e p t this thesis a s conforming to the required standard  e University of British C o l u m b i a J u n e 1998  © F. Patrick Burr, 1998  In presenting this  thesis in  degree at the University of  partial  fulfilment  of  the  requirements  for  an advanced  British Columbia, I agree that the Library shall make it  freely available for reference and study. I further agree that permission for extensive copying of this thesis for department  or  by  his  or  scholarly purposes may be granted her  representatives.  It  is  by the head of  understood  that  copying  my or  publication of this thesis for financial gain shall not be allowed without my written permission.  Department of The University of British Columbia Vancouver, Canada  DE-6 (2/88)  ii  ABSTRACT C o n s i d e r a b l e attention h a s b e e n given to the subject of C o m p u l s i v e S e x u a l B e h a v i o u r ( C S B ) by public a n d a c a d e m i c interests in the last five y e a r s . M u c h of this attention is highly negative. H o w e v e r , C S B a s a p e r s o n a l a n d societal p r o b l e m is w i d e s p r e a d in w e s t e r n culture. It c a n be broadly linked to family v i o l e n c e , societal s e x i s m , a n d to major criminal activity. T h i s study identifies the lived realities of three m e n w h i c h are key to their recovery from various manifestations of c o m p u l s i v e s e x u a l b e h a v i o u r s . T h e participants are all from local twelve step p r o g r a m s oriented t o w a r d s healing from C S B . T h e study u s e s life history interviews a n d critical incident identification to gather information, a n d hermeneutical a n a l y s i s to distill it. T h e key e l e m e n t s of recovery found in t h e s e m e n are c o m p a r e d with t h o s e p r o p o s e d in available c o n c e p t u a l a n d theoretical r e s e a r c h .  iii Table of Contents ABSTRACT  ii  Table of Contents  iii  List of T a b l e s  v  List of F i g u r e s  . . .  vi  DEDICATION CHAPTER  vii  ONE.  INTRODUCTION A p p r o a c h and Protections U s e d A u t h o r ' s P h i l o s o p h y of P s y c h o l o g y .  . ;  1 5 8  C H A P T E R TWO. REVIEW O F T H E L I T E R A T U R E 16 Historical Attitudes: S e x i s m and Patriarchy 17 T h e Historical Attitudes: Intellectualism or the Denigration of the P h y s i c a l .: 22 Historical Attitudes: P o r n o g r a p h y and Prostitution 27 A C h a l l e n g e from History to the P r e s e n t : S e x o l o g y v s S e x o s o p h y 32 T h e Literature of Healing 34 Literature F o c u s s e d o n M a l e Treatment '.. 3 8 Literature f o c u s s e d o n M e n ' s R e c o v e r y 45 C o r e Issues in Healing 58 CHAPTER THREE. METHOD Design Participants Interview P r o c e s s Formation of addiction / recovery narrative A n a l y s i s of the addiction / recovery narrative Validation of the received Narratives C H A P T E R FOUR. R E S U L T S : STORIES OF S U C C E S S F U L R E C O V E R Y Narrative B i o g r a p h y of Participant " B o b " C o m m e n t a r y o n B o b ' s Narrative  .  60 61 61 62 63 63 67  69 69 82  iv Narrative B i o g r a p h y of Participant " Z e d " C o m m e n t s o n Z e d ' s Narrative Narrative B i o g r a p h y of Participant " X e n o " C o m m e n t s o n X e n o ' s Narrative  ... .  C H A P T E R FIVE. ANALYSIS OF THE THREE NARRATIVES General Sexual Recovery Addiction and R e c o v e r y a s Defined by the Participant's Stories T h e E n t r a n c e to Addiction . . . A d d i c t i v e / C o m p u l s i v e Patterns. A n a l y s i s of R e c o v e r y C H A P T E R SIX. DISCUSSION . Limitations of this S t u d y Implications for T h e o r y Implications for C o u n s e l l i n g Future directions REFERENCES APPENDICES Appendix Appendix Appendix Appendix  87 97 103 109  113 113 114 114 121 122  '.  131 131 132 136 138 140  A 1 : A n understanding of R e s e a r c h e r V a l u e s . . A 2 : P e r s o n a l Bibliography of Author's Position B: R e q u i r e d Participant Documentation C : Data Collection P r o c e d u r e  149 152 154 159  v List of Tables T a b l e #1: E x p a n d e d List of Paraphilias  39  T a b l e #2: R e c o v e r y Characteristics . .  53  vi List of Figures Figure #1: T h e Interlocking D o m a i n s of Life . . . . . . Figure #2: T h e Addictive C y c l e . . . . . .  .  5 52  vii  DEDICATION  1  F o r everything there is a s e a s o n , a n d a time for every matter u n d e r h e a v e n : a time to b e born, a n d a time to die; a time to plant, a n d a time to pluck up what is planted; a time to kill, a n d a time to heal; a time to break d o w n , a n d a time to build up; a time to w e e p , a n d a time to laugh; a time to mourn, a n d a time to d a n c e ; a time to throw a w a y s t o n e s , a n d a time to gather s t o n e s together; a time to e m b r a c e , a n d a time to refrain from e m b r a c i n g ; a time to s e e k , a n d a time to lose; a time to k e e p , a n d a time to throw a w a y ; a time to tear, a n d a time to s e w ; a time to k e e p silence, a n d a time to s p e a k ; a time to love, a n d a time to hate; a time for war, a n d a time for p e a c e . 2  3  4  5  6  7  8  E c c l e s . 2:26-3:8  This work is dedicated to all those who need the help of an understanding ear.  1 CHAPTER ONE. INTRODUCTION  S e x is a topic of interest to a l l - e v e n if m a n y of us are too e m b a r r a s s e d to admit it. Hollywood a n d W a l l Street m a k e huge profits o n this fact. Historians tell us that it w a s a l w a y s s o . Sexuality, w h i c h w a s o n c e the strictly controlled d o m a i n of o r g a n i z e d religion, has now b e c o m e a matter of p e r s o n a l , family, m e d i c a l , b u s i n e s s a n d political c h o i c e . O n l y a hundred y e a r s a g o sexuality w a s a t a b o o subject. A hundred a n d fifty y e a r s a g o the word sexuality w a s u n k n o w n in the E n g l i s h l a n g u a g e (Heath, 1982).  T o d a y it is carried boldly o n both printed p a g e .  a n d virtual w e b s i t e - t o o boldly for s o m e . T h e scientific study of sexuality, t e r m e d S e x o l o g y , w a s initiated in 1880 a s the private world of a c a d e m i c s , primarily p h y s i c i a n s , by Prof. R i c h a r d v o n Krafft-Ebing (von Krafft-Ebing, 1 8 8 5 / 1 9 6 5 , S z a s z , 1 9 8 0 , c h a p . 1). T o d a y s e x a n d sexuality remains a s m u c h a c o n c e r n , a n d often a s o u r c e of c o n f u s i o n , a s it e v e r w a s . T h e specific topic of this study is recovery from c o m p u l s i v e s e x u a l b e h a v i o u r s ( C S B ) . S o m e authors will call this addiction ( C a r n e s , 1983) while others prefer the w o r d s c o m p u l s i o n or paraphilia (Stoller,1979; M o n e y , 1984; C o l e m a n , 1991). Helping professionals a n d s c h o l a r s in m a n y d i s c i p l i n e s spirituality, p s y c h o l o g y , sociology, psychiatry ( N e l s o n , 1978; G a y l i n , 1 9 9 0 ; M o n e y , 1 9 8 5 - 3 ; C o n n e l l , 1 9 9 1 ) - h a v e given s e x u a l problems headline attention. T h e public  is outraged e v e r y time a s e x u a l offender c o m e s to light. H o w e v e r , this q u e s t i o n is m u c h b r o a d e r than a n y individual criminal; it is rooted in the very construction of our society ( N e l s o n , 1988; H e a t h , 1982; Foucault, 1976/1990). A c o m p r e h e n s i v e definition of C S B has not b e e n c r e a t e d . Griffin-Shelley (1993, p. 6.) offers: " a pathological relationship with a n e x p e r i e n c e that c a u s e s d a m a g e to the p e r s o n " . A twelve step m a n u a l for recovering s e x addicts ("Hope a n d R e c o v e r y " , 1987, p. 1) s a y s : "we w e r e people w h o continued to act out sexually, e v e n a s our lives continued to be negatively effected by our s e x u a l behaviours". Both contain the primary characteristics of addiction / c o m p u l s i o n : a feeling of not having a n y c h o i c e about behaviour, a d e s i r e d - h a t e d relationship with a thing or p e r s o n exterior to the self, a n d c o n t i n u a n c e of action r e g a r d l e s s of consequences. C o m p u l s i v e s e x u a l behaviours e n c o m p a s s a wide variety of a c t i o n s . Not all are illegal although most are socially u n a c c e p t a b l e . T h e y include lust murder, exhibitionism, v o y e u r i s m ; c o m p u l s i v e u s e of pornography, prostitutes a n d exotic d a n c e halls; serial relationships a n d adultery; a n d s o forth. J o h n M o n e y (1968, 1984) a n d Robert Stoller (1968, 1 9 8 5 , 1991) h a v e d o n e m u c h in this century to c a t e g o r i z e a n d direct treatment towards s e x u a l compulsivity in m a n y of its forms. R i c h a r d v o n Krafft-Ebing (1885/1965) a n d F r e u d (1906/1938) are noted n a m e s in s e x u a l pathology from the last century.  3 T h e i n c i d e n c e of c o m p u l s i v e s e x u a l b e h a v i o u r s is hard to estimate. A n d t h e s e e s t i m a t e s are often b a s e d o n s m a l l , clinical s a m p l e s a n d broad a s s u m p t i o n s . Statistics w h i c h are available range from K i n s e y ' s s u r v e y s in the 1930's to recent r e s e a r c h reports. A f e w s a m p l e s might help to indicate the rather c o n f u s e d state of available d a t a . K i n s e y , P o m e r o y a n d Martin (1948, c h a p . 10) indicates p e r h a p s 1% of m e n p u r c h a s e s e x from prostitutes. Lottes (1991) reports almost 1 6 % of U S w o m e n h a v e b e e n forcibly r a p e d . O t h e r detailed work exists o n m o r e criminal s e x u a l activity, but it h a s small applicability to this study.  F o r e x a m p l e , W o l f (1988)  reports that 3 0 % of the s e x u a l offenders in his clinics w e r e a b u s e d a s children. If 1 2 % of m e n o n a U S national b a s i s a r e estimated to b e a b u s e victims, then there is a possibility that 5 % might b e c o m e a b u s e r s in turn. C o l e m a n (1991) a l s o states that most c o m p u l s i v e sexuality sufferers w e r e a b u s e d a s children. Sterling (1976) reports that 3 0 to 4 0 m a n d a t e d clients w e r e referred monthly to h e r clinics in A l b u q u e r q u e , N e w M e x i c o in 1975. P o r n o g r a p h y figures heavily in s e x u a l addiction. A study by S h e p h e r a n d R e i s m a n (1985) indicates p e r h a p s 1 0 % of the U S population a r e regular c o n s u m e r s of pornography. C a r n e s reports that 8 7 % of the 9 5 2 s e x u a l l y addicted p e r s o n s in his clinical practise study suffer from multiple addictions ( 1 9 9 1 , p. 35). S i n c e m a n y of the treatment a p p r o a c h e s for C S B are oriented towards the f o r e n s i c population it is appropriate to refer to Travin (1995) w h o a s s o c i a t e s C S B with  i  4 o b s e s s i v e - c o m p u l s i v e disorder a n d indicates that 2 % to 3 % of the U S population suffers from it.  '  T h e statistics m a y be unclear, but the p r e s e n c e of a significant problem in the s e x u a l d o m a i n of our rapidly c h a n g i n g world is definite. S i g n s of d e p e r s o n a l i s e d rage, v i o l e n c e , c o n f u s i o n a n d repression w e r e evident throughout North A m e r i c a n society more than thirty y e a r s a g o (May, 1967, c h a p . 2). W o m e n a n d m e n struggle t o d a y to f a c e c h a n g e s a n d c h o i c e s b e y o n d their individual a n d collective u n d e r s t a n d i n g . T h i s c a n easily generate fear. M e n often react to their fear through s o c i a l a n d historical m o d e s consistent with their ideal of m a l e n e s s : a g g r e s s i o n , v i o l e n c e , hatred, o p p r e s s i o n . M u c h of this reaction begins at h o m e , a n d m o v e s out into b u s i n e s s a n d politics. It is frequently acted out upon w o m e n a n d children, e s p e c i a l l y in the h o m e . Violent m e n are glorified in the m e d i a , in sport a n d in entertainment.  V i o l e n c e against a n d a m o n g s t m e n is so c o m m o n a n d s o c i a l i z e d  that it is s c a r c e l y n e w s . It rarely rates notice e x c e p t o n a large s c a l e or w h e r e specifically publicized for s o m e group's p u r p o s e s . But reputable professionals a l s o find C S B to be m u c h b r o a d e r ( C a r n e s , 1989, 1 9 9 1 ; C o l e m a n , 1991). It is in this more prevalent, l e s s public a r e a that r e s e a r c h is lacking. W h a t logic or events allow s o m e m e n to r e c o v e r from c o m p u l s i v e s e x u a l b e h a v i o u r s , while others of similar b a c k g r o u n d , constitution a n d lifestyle, b e c o m e s e x u a l criminals? T h i s is a fruitful a n d therapeutically important a r e a for study. T h i s study will attempt to refine s o m e of t h e s e e v e n t s by  5 investigating the p e r s o n a l m e a n i n g of recovery in the lives of non-forensic recovering s e x u a l addicts. T h e r e is a strong n e e d for qualitative, methodologically participative s t u d i e s in the a r e a of s e x u a l compulsivity. R e g a r d l e s s of h o w m u c h w e learn about the neurological b a s i s of mind, a n d how m u c h brain a n d b e h a v i o u r w e c a n control through p h a r m a c e u t i c a l interventions, there will a l w a y s be a p l a c e for p e r s o n to p e r s o n e d u c a t i o n , p s y c h o l o g i c a l intervention a n d belief s y s t e m clarification. T h e r e is strong indication that m a n y m e n struggle a l o n e with s e x u a l addictions, attempting to lead socially a c c e p t a b l e , healthy s e x u a l lives ( C a r n e s , 1 9 8 3 , c h a p . 2). T h r e e of t h e s e m e n offer here their p e r s o n a l e x p e r i e n c e s in the h o p e that others will benefit from their story of struggle a n d h o p e . A p p r o a c h a n d Protections U s e d T h e investigative m e t h o d s u s e d in this study attempt to understand the participant in a holistic f a s h i o n . R e s e a r c h e r a n d participant look for critical junctures a n d events in the participant's life, a s well a s his gifts a n d vulnerabilities. N o harm must c o m e to a n y involved in this study: therefore, external c o u n s e l l o r s must be available for both r e s e a r c h e r a n d participant. This is the rationale for the requirements stated in the Letter of Invitation, a n d a g a i n in the Participant Agreement.  6 C h a p t e r Briefs T h i s section provides a short s u m m a r i z a t i o n of e a c h c h a p t e r s ' intentions. T h e interested reader m a y here d i s c o v e r the glue connecting salient thoughts within the remaining p a g e s . Chapter One  '  It is that w h i c h y o u are reading, e n c o m p a s s i n g a g e n e r a l introduction to the topic, the method a n d the researcher. T h e remaining chapters are a l s o outlined in brief. Chapter Two T h i s is the literature review, w h i c h contains a substantial historical s e c t i o n with r e f e r e n c e s to spiritual writers a n d the s e x u a l beliefs of earlier times, a s well a s a standard study of current writings. In this w a y the literature review attempts to e n c o m p a s s the historical foundations of current attitudes in sexuality. T h e s e roots are found in p h y s i c a l , cultural, spiritual, denominational (i.e., religious), a n d ethical works. Chapter Three T h i s chapter is c o n c e r n e d with method a n d d e s i g n . S p e c i a l e m p h a s i s is g i v e n to description of the group from w h i c h the participants w e r e s e l e c t e d . D o c u m e n t a t i o n a n d r e s e a r c h p r o c e s s are outlined here a n d included in full a s Appendices B and C .  7 Chapter Four H e r e are the c a s e studies t h e m s e l v e s . S e l e c t e d text a n d details from e a c h participant are presented in a n a n o n y m o u s fashion. C o m m e n t a r y is limited to that w h i c h clarifies the direct m e a n i n g of statements a n d events. Chapter Five T h i s is the a n a l y s i s section. Interpretative (i.e., hermeneutic) a n a l y s i s of participant e v e n t s is u s e d to u n c o v e r m e a n i n g s . S p e c i f i c s e l e c t i o n s from the life history narrative are u s e d a s the data for interpretation. All interpretation a n d understanding of m e a n i n g is m a d e within the participant's p e r s o n a l f r a m e s of reference. T h e author must specifically a c k n o w l e d g e his o w n frame a n d insure that it h a s a s little effect u p o n a n a l y s i s a s p o s s i b l e . ( S e e next section a n d A p p e n d i x A . ) Chapter Six T h i s d i s c u s s e s the findings drawn out through the a n a l y s i s s e c t i o n . A s u g g e s t e d life pattern is presented in narrative form for s e x u a l addiction a n d s e x u a l recovery. Directions for future study, a n d implications for c o u n s e l l i n g rounds out the c o n c l u s i o n of this document. Gendered Language T h e context of this paper is primarily male; therefore, the u s e of male terminology is meant to refer e x p r e s s l y to m a l e s . W h e r e both f e m a l e a n d m a l e are indicated, a n o n - g e n d e r specific term will be u s e d . W h e r e all h u m a n k i n d is  intended the word h u m a n will be u s e d , a s this is the c l o s e s t E n g l i s h equivalent of Homo Sapiens . 1  Author's P h i l o s o p h y of P s y c h o l o g y It is important to a c k n o w l e d g e my own position a s a researcher, a counsellor, a n d a p e r s o n before moving further into this study. M y b a s i c beliefs in p s y c h o l o g y are most heavily informed by the work of Alfred A d l e r (1927, 1931/1980; Ansbacher & Ansbacher, 1956). A d l e r v i e w e d s c i e n c e w a s a w a y of uncovering information, and p e r h a p s a l s o k n o w l e d g e ; yet he a c k n o w l e d g e d s c i e n c e a s only o n e of m a n y w a y s to a c c o m p l i s h this e n d . Adler was a European physician of the late Victorian s c h o o l . H e a p p e a r s to h a v e m o v e d o v e r a short time from active medical work to a more psychiatric practise a n d finally to p s y c h o l o g i c a l treatments of  Figure 1 T h e Interlocking D o m a i n s of Life  1  The w o r d H o m o in Latin has the meaning o f 'race or group o f people'. It is similar in sense to  the tribal usage o f the group name as meaning "human beings" (e.g.; Lakota, w h i c h is Sioux for 'the people'); or as 'We the people' in the beginning o f some statements o f incorporation. Sapiens is the Latin word for 'Wisdom', yet another good English word rarely used in scientific discourse. Science itself is rooted in the Latin w o r d for "knowledge", scientia. This presents some interesting distinctions, for which the interested reader is directed to the O E D .  9 m e n a n d w o m e n . H e w a s instrumental in d e v e l o p i n g early s o c i a l a n d e d u c a t i o n a l formation a s a key guidepost to healthy lifestyles. H e s a w the h u m a n d o m a i n symbolically formed from Familial, S o c i a l , O c c u p a t i o n a l , S e x u a l a n d Spiritual c o m p o n e n t s . T h i s s y m b o l i s m w a s constructed upon the P h y s i c a l , in both b o d y a n d environment. framework.  H e interpreted all h u m a n relationships within this s y m b o l i c It is often represented symbolically a s interlocked s p h e r e s or circles, a s  is depicted in Figure 1. M y p e r s o n a l beliefs in regard to sexuality h a v e grown from this central A d l e r i a n position, a n d are therefore, intimately d e v e l o p m e n t a l a n d relational. T h e y , are intertwined with my firm position o n the ultimate nature of truth a s cultural a n d constructed (i.e., "fictional" in A d l e r i a n terms) a n d are listed below. Integrity a n d W h o l e n e s s of the H u m a n P e r s o n First a n d foremost, I hold a belief in the w h o l e n e s s a n d integrity of the h u m a n p e r s o n . W e h u m a n s are not obyecte.available for study a n d it is offensive to m e that a n y o n e s h o u l d be treated a s a n object. N o n e t h e l e s s , A d l e r i a n s hold that the b a s i s of humanity is found in the physical a n d that m o d e r n s c i e n c e - r e l a t i v i s t i c , c h a o s oriented, g r o u n d e d in u n c e r t a i n t y - i s able to d e a l with this realm of objective reality. T h e information g a i n e d by this s c i e n c e c a n be put to g o o d u s e through humanistic p s y c h o l o g y to further the c o m m o n g o o d , A d l e r ' s the s o c i a l interest of culture or tribe.  gemeinschaftsgefuhl-  10 T h e Lifestyle S e c o n d l y , A d l e r i a n s t e a c h that e a c h of us h a s a characteristic lifestyle through w h i c h w e c h o o s e our life m o v e m e n t s . T h e lifestyle of a n individual m a y b e similar to others, but it is also unique to his or her particular c i r c u m s t a n c e s . T h e c o u r s e of our d e v e l o p m e n t in e a c h of the five d o m a i n s of h u m a n p e r s o n h o o d gradually c o n c r e t i z e s the lifestyle in our p s y c h e . A d l e r b e l i e v e d , with other p s y c h o l o g i s t s of his e r a , that it w a s formed by the e n d of c h i l d h o o d . But later 2  A d l e r i a n s ( M o s a k & Dreikurs, 1 9 6 6 / 1 9 7 7 a , 1 9 6 7 / 1 9 7 7 b , 1 9 6 7 / 1 9 7 7 c ) , a n d myself, s e e this a s a variable formation, a n d o n e w h i c h is pliant in later y e a r s . B y u n c o v e r i n g a n d a c k n o w l e d g i n g the lifestyle, a n individual c a n better u n d e r s t a n d his or her c h o i c e s in life, the c o n s e q u e n c e s of those c h o i c e s a n d the p r o c e s s e s w h i c h m a d e t h e m . H e or s h e c a n then c h o o s e to adjust this lifestyle in w a y s w h i c h are more fulfilling to the c o m p e n d i u m of the self. Non-determinacv Thirdly, I hold for non-determinacy. T h i s is a n outgrowth of the former points, e n c o m p a s s i n g all levels of the h u m a n d o m a i n . It is a n e x p r e s s i o n of h o p e in the future of humanity. It is a c o m m u n i c a b l e position w h i c h c a n be offered to my future clients. It is the b a s i s upon which most if not all therapeutic relationships are f o r m e d . T o g e t h e r or individually, w e c a n c h o o s e , fomenting c h a n g e through the p r o c e s s of c h o i c e .  Childhood was defined to end at about age 7. This was the same for Adler as for Freud, and indeed, for many Christian theologians of their day. 2  11 B r e a d t h of Learning Fourthly, I t o o h a v e a d e e p respect for learning a n d the m a n y w a y s in w h i c h 3  it c a n b e a c c o m p l i s h e d . Learning begins with collection; collection of facts (i.e., data) a s they are o b s e r v e d by u s a n d o u r scientific machinery. T h e n moving o n to construction of blocks (i.e., theory a n d model) with w h i c h w e build o u r private a n d public v i e w s of reality. T h e s e reality-views function in c l o s e a c c o r d with o u r p e r s o n a l b a c k g r o u n d s , o u r personal beliefs a n d e p i s t e m o l o g i e s , o u r individual training a n d e d u c a t i o n , a n d o u r position within the m a n y relationships of our lives. E v e n t u a l l y w e n a m e a n d re-present t h e s e constructs to other p e r s o n s . A l l of this is the work of the lifestyle within u s . T h e r e is, however, more to learning than facts, m o d e l s a n d theories, e s p e c i a l l y within A d l e r ' s s y m b o l i c h u m a n d o m a i n s . W e h a v e m a n y a n d varied abilities, s u c h a s ; to o b s e r v e , to remember, to s p e a k , to w o n d e r , to imagine, to f a n t a s i z e , to intuit, to believe, to lie, to deny; a n d using all of t h e s e a n d more, w e m a k e a n d destroy life . W e are filled with a myriad of w a y s to a s s e s s the input 4  r e c e i v e d b y o u r s e n s e s , producing personal information.  K n o w l e d g e is the  Recall that Alfred Adler ultimately chose to implement his psycho-philosophical beliefs through education of the young. His establishment of daycare and educational facilities for young children in 1920's Vienna was a prescient movement, responding to previously unexpressed needs in the growing techno-culture of pre-modern Europe. . , 3  Refer to the Christian Bible, Old Testament, Book of Ecclesiastes, chapter three for a more poetic setting of these ideas. 4  1 2  interpretation of this chaotic mass of information, often intended to be publically 5  presented. Wisdom is gained as we learn to apply knowledge through will,  .  selection, decision and other higher faculties upon our own daily desires, needs and problems; upon those of other individuals, and especially upon those of our community. Greater Than a Physical Sum Finally, the human person is greater than the sum of his or her parts. This is an essential point of the Adlerian structure, and an antidote to determinism. Reduction of the human to a summation of physical components reduces humankind to a mere it-an object for study and dissection. Nonetheless, humans share certain basic genetic and biological potential. We have similar physical bodies and modes of employing those bodies in service, through our lifestyles. We have a common neurological structure which somehow holds it all together. But here the similarities end. Here "objective science" begins to falter in the growing mass of possibility and the chaos of millions of interconnections. Chaos is pregnant with life, yet science has traditionally seen it as an enemy of life to be overcome through massive statistical and categorical  In the mythologies of almost all peoples and tribes, Chaos reigns before the act of creation brings something new into being. See for example, the Old Testament Creation story of the Christian and Jewish Sacred books; or the Greek myths of the Titans; or the Navaho creation myth of the Sacred Woman. 5  13 organization. S c i e n c e informs us of m a n y interesting a n d useful things, but it defines  not o n e individual h u m a n b e i n g . 6  Summary T h e study a n d application of p s y c h o l o g y is performed in t h e s e r v i c e of individual h u m a n b e i n g s . O u r generalities, m o d e l s a n d theories only help to inform the particular interactions w e h a v e with o u r clients. T h e e s s e n c e of this thesis lies in the uniquely h u m a n ability to a c c e s s a n d to u n c o v e r the r i c h n e s s of particular h u m a n e x p e r i e n c e a n d to re-present it in digestible form. T h e story telling found in this thesis is not only a r e s e a r c h m e t h o d , but a therapeutic method a s well. In the telling a n d retelling of p e r s o n a l story, e a c h m a n finds his p l a c e within the s o c i a l , moral, spiritual a n d physical structures of his life. H e d i s c o v e r s his o w n lifestyle, a n d is n o w able to adjust it. P e r s o n i f i e d addictive b e h a v i o u r s , s e x u a l or otherwise, treat the h u m a n p e r s o n a s object. P e r h a p s at first this h a p p e n s with s o m e p e r s o n a l reluctance a n d r e s i s t a n c e ; then more easily; a n d finally with all resistance from the self d e s t r o y e d . I u s e the term personified b e c a u s e of the m a n n e r in w h i c h addictions gradually become  the p e r s o n , overwhelming will a n d d e c i s i o n making ability. T h i s is the true  horror of addiction; not the regrettable behaviours that addicts a r e driven to, but the destruction of their full p e r s o n h o o d .  Everyone knows the humorous tale of the Average Man trying to put on the Average Suit.. The two don't mix. 6  14 T h i s destruction is the core problem tucked a w a y within the layers of m a n y addictive a n d c o m p u l s i v e lifestyles. It is a l s o the root benefit obtained b y the addict.  A t the s a m e time that the addict's self is lost or s e v e r e l y d i s a b l e d , he o r  s h e is a l s o protected to s o m e d e g r e e from s o m e e n o r m o u s pain, w h e t h e r p h y s i c a l , p s y c h o l o g i c a l or spiritual. All addiction is a spiritual d i s e a s e , but this is e s p e c i a l l y true of s e x u a l addiction ( G a n j e - F l i n g & M c C a r t h y , 1995). T h e "Big B o o k of A A " talks liberally about this i s s u e ( A n n o n y m o u s , 1 9 3 8 / 1 9 7 6 , c h a p . 4), a s d o e s the program literature of twelve step groups devoted to s e x addiction recovery ("Hope a n d R e c o v e r y " , 1987; " S e x and L o v e " , 1986) and s o m e r e s e a r c h e r s ( C a r n e s , 1 9 8 9 ) . M a n y m o d e r n r e s e a r c h e r s of the h u m a n condition a r e c o m i n g to r e - d i s c o v e r this perspective in m a n y fields. S i n c e C S B a s a d i s e a s e a s s a u l t s the entire p e r s o n , it is often difficult to unravel, to recover from. But recovery is p o s s i b l e . T h e spirits w h i c h h a v e b e e n ignored or disabled c a n b e resurrected from the a s h e s , just a s the m y t h of the P h o e n i x indicates. 7  H o w e v e r , m y b a c k g r o u n d in p h y s i c s , mathematics a n d c o m p u t e r s c i e n c e requires m e to t e m p e r objectivity with all the uncertainty granted to u s b y the r e a s o n i n g of Dr. H e i s e n b e r g . with absolute certainty.  Reality is a construction, w h i c h w e will n e v e r k n o w  Multiple physical realities are p o s s i b l e in the universe w e  Just as Phoenix rises from her own ashes, so Myth recovers from disinformation. The word Myth does not mean falsehood, as it has come.to be used in much modern dialogue. Rather it is a truth of history, of culture, of literature embodied in narrative imagery for all to behold. 7  15 inhabit. W h y then should our p s y c h e s be restricted to singular interpretations a n d monadic existence? H u m a n k i n d is a c o m m u n i c a t i v e b e i n g . W e e x c h a n g e our individual reality v i e w s with o n e another through textures, s c e n t s , w o r d s a n d i m a g e s using our s e n s e s ; sight, s o u n d , smell, taste a n d t o u c h . T h e narrative, the life story, is o n e of the most direct m e t h o d s of sharing our realities; of bringing mutual u n d e r s t a n d i n g of e a c h other to two (or more) beings. T h i s e x c h a n g e brings k n o w l e d g e not only of o n e another, but of broader patterns of societies. A s formerly distant a n d s e p a r a t e s o c i e t i e s b u m p into o n e another all around the g l o b e , this k n o w l e d g e b e c o m e s more useful. It m a y be e s s e n t i a l if w e are to m e r g e peacefully with o n e another.  What we love, we shall grow to resemble. Benedict of Clairvaux  C H A P T E R TWO. REVIEW O F T H E L I T E R A T U R E T h e literature o n sexuality is very broad a n d very long. A d l e r w a s not the first to m a k e it o n e of the major d o m a i n s for h u m a n life patterns. T h e r e is m u c h literary e v i d e n c e in this long s t r e a m w h i c h b e a r s upon m a n y c h e r i s h e d attitudes held in m o d e r n times. T h e r e are at least three w h i c h are significant to s e x u a l health a n d d i s e a s e : s e x i s m / patriarchy, intellectualism a n d pornography. S e x i s m c a n be simply defined a s the negative valuation of the f e m a l e ; while intellectualism might be loosely s u b s c r i b e d a s the negative valuation of the p h y s i c a l . P o r n o g r a p h y r e m a i n s extremely difficult to define. T h e s e attitudes are centrally important to the d e v e l o p m e n t of c o m p u l s i v e s e x u a l b e h a v i o u r s . S o m e form of pornography is of importance to a l m o s t e v e r y s e x u a l c o m p u l s i v e ( C a r n e s , 1989), a n d its historical d e v e l o p m e n t is quickly traced in this s e c t i o n . T h e r e are c o u n t l e s s other tracks which could be d r a w n out of w e s t e r n history into present illnesses, but t h e s e are certainly major o n e s . T h e m o d e r n literature of sexuality starts approximately o n e hundred a n d fifty y e a r s a g o . T h e s e d o c u m e n t s are u s e d to demonstrate the p r e s e n c e of two paths of healing w h i c h are prominent today: the m e d i c a l or treatment a p p r o a c h a n d the humanist or r e c o v e r y approach.  17 A historical beginning to a modern scientific study h a s v a l u e . Rollo M a y , s e r i o u s student of p s y c h o l o g y a n d psychiatry, p s y c h o l o g i c a l reformer a n d existential humanist wrote in 1967: A historical view should help us to s e e how certain cultural f o r c e s a n d e v e n t s h a v e s h a p e d a n d moulded the attitudes a n d b e h a v i o u r patterns w h i c h underlay our contemporary p s y c h o l o g i c a l conflicts. A historical p e r s p e c t i v e c a n a l s o help free us from the ever-present d a n g e r - e s p e c i a l l y a d a n g e r in the s o c i a l s c i e n c e s - - o f absolutizing  a theory or method which is actually relative  the fact that we live at a given moment in time in the development particular  culture.  to  of our  [ E m p h a s i s added] Finally a historical perspective c a n help  us s e e the c o m m o n s o u r c e s of h u m a n problems a s well a s c o m m o n h u m a n g o a l s , (pp. 56-57) Similar sentiment c a n be found in works by J o h n B e a h r s (1986), r e s e a r c h psychiatrist; C a r l R o g e r s ( 1 9 6 1 ; R o g e r s a n d S t e v e n s , 1967), humanists a n d psychologist; a n d J a m e s Hillman (1975/1992), psychiatrist a n d reformer of p s y c h o l o g i c a l thought. Historical Attitudes: S e x i s m a n d Patriarchy T h e power of s e x h a s never b e e n d o u b t e d . It w a s p e r h a p s o n e of the first things noted by early hominids a s they gradually acquired c o n s c i o u s n e s s a n d the capabilities of reflection ( F r e u d , 1938). M a n y early societies in the W e s t e r n world are believed to h a v e v e n e r a t e d the life generating powers of s e x , a s s y m b o l i z e d through the male a n d f e m a l e s e x o r g a n s . E x a m p l e s are many, but c o n s i d e r : the i m a g e s of the phallus a p p e a r i n g prominently o n c a v e walls at L i s e u x (Monick, 1987); the cyclic fertility festivals a n d the e a s y a c c e p t a n c e of s e x u a l power in early C e l t i c s o c i e t i e s of  18 w e s t e r n E u r o p e (Cahill, 1995); the bare breasted p r i e s t e s s e s central to early M i n o a n religion (Thorndike, 1977);  the C a v e in P l a t o ' s c l a s s i c a n d fateful descriptions of  reality (Durant, 1926, c h a p . 1); or the central commonality of the phallus in R o m a n society's official cultus, a s found at H e r c u l a n e u m a n d P o m p e y ( K e n d r i c k , 1 9 8 8 ; D e i s s , 1985). All of t h e s e e x a m p l e s are, of c o u r s e , o p e n to other forms of interpretation. But a s w e also know, "most history is g u e s s i n g , a n d the rest is prejudice" (Durant, 1 9 5 4 / 1 9 3 5 , p. 12). Objective facts, s o n e e d e d by m o d e r n s c i e n c e , are few a n d far b e t w e e n . T h e early arts of the west s h o w the power a n d beauty of s e x with great w o n d e r . (For significant reviews, s e e : O ' B r i e n & O ' B r i e n , 1972, c h a p . 1;|or read romantic Celtic poetry in " H o w the Irish S a v e d Civilization" (Cahill, 1 9 9 5 , c h a p . 2).) In the w e s t s o m e claim that the highest point of k n o w l e d g e d e v e l o p m e n t b e g a n with the G r e e k s about 2 5 0 0 y e a r s a g o . T h i s too is d e b a t a b l e , e s p e c i a l l y o n a world w i d e s c a l e ; but the influence of this patriarchal, w a r loving, m a l e d o m i n a t e d society u p o n m o d e r n w e s t e r n e r s , is indisputable. That w h i c h w e a s m e n hold today c o n c e r n i n g our s e x u a l attitudes is neither new, nor u n c o n n e c t e d , with our past. That which our fathers, grand-fathers, greatgrandfathers, k n e w a n d understood w a s similar, a n d grew out of the s a m e wellspring of tradition, culture, belief a n d faith (Dijkstra, 1986).  History d o e s s h o w us that the  attitudes w h i c h w e n o w call patriarchy are t h o u s a n d s of y e a r s o l d ~ p e r h a p s 3 5 0 0 to 5 0 0 0 y e a r s old (Eisler, 1988). T h e histories a n d literatures of w e s t e r n p e o p l e s s h o w  19 us that patriarchy h a s w o n its struggle quite completely a s it s p r e a d o v e r what w e call the I n d o - E u r o p e a n world. But there are s o m e remnants of the world previous to this colonization by the war-loving, male d o m i n a t e d c l a n s . T h e r e is e v i d e n c e of a mother g o d d e s s tradition a l o n g side the warring s k y g o d s of the patriarchies. A n d with this p o s s i b l y older tradition, there is a l s o a different style of interaction b e t w e e n the s e x e s . It a p p e a r s to h a v e b e e n more e q u a l footed, a n d l e s s prone to v i o l e n c e . It c a n still be s e e n in s o m e of the ancient literatures of the H e b r e w s a n d the C e l t s , a s well a s in the traditions of m a n y North A m e r i c a n aboriginal p e o p l e s . S o m e of the literature h a s e v e n survived in the Christian holy b o o k s ( S e e for e x a m p l e , the S o n g of S o n g s in " T h e J e r u s a l e m Bible" ( J o n e s , 1966)). T h e effects of this alternate tradition are muted by the a g e s that h a v e past. M e n of today are more like our G r e e k a n d R o m a n a n c e s t o r s , than a n y e c o - m i n d e d Celtic or aboriginal p e r s o n . F o r t h e s e m e n s e x is often merely a tool--for p l e a s u r e , for procreating s o n s , or just for the hell of it. "To the victors belong the spoils". W h e t h e r c o v e r e d with the trappings of our high civilization or in its bare reality, this is the s e x u a l attitude m a n y of u s - m o s t of u s - m e n h a v e b e e n given by our cultural birthright. C e n t u r i e s of c o n f u s i o n , of misogyny, of u s e a n d a b u s e of w o m e n , children a n d other m e n will not be overwritten in o n e y e a r or e v e n o n e century (Stoltenberg, 1994; G a y l i n , 1992). But w e m a k e a beginning of it, every time w e e x a m i n e a n d c h a l l e n g e s o m e of our previously unthought out attitudes, beliefs or b e h a v i o u r s . T h i s  20 is what recovery is all about-recovery from patriarchy/recovery from violence and recovery from sexual misbehaviour. Perhaps some of us never take serious notice of the simple experience of communication. Language is our only vehicle for re-presentation of our reality to another; for re-presentation of our symbolic world (i.e., our weltangschaun).  We use  our symbolic language to understand the world around us, and to make sense of the events and experiences of our daily lives. Freud (1933) saw this clearly when he developed his "talking cure". He also recognized its major pitfall: that neither talker nor listener can ever be sure that what is conveyed is what was meant. Life is a continuous struggle to understand and to be understood; to hear and to be heard; to see and to be seen; to touch and to be touched. He believed that to abandon this struggle in the philosophical sense was to descend into gross individualism and ultimately to solipsism ; to deny it psychologically was to succumb to neurosis, 8  psychosis and ultimately catatonia. The twentieth century has added a new twist to the expression of meaning. Language can now be captured on permanent media-videos, audio recordings, computer storage. It is no longer ephemeral pulse waves in the air. This effect has been growing since Guttenberg invented moveable type, making printing a more facile communications medium. Mass production techniques for papers and book  1 use this term to indicate the philosophical state of total aloneness; of inability to distinguish any phenomena outside oneself as potentially real and other; the total denial of any other reality except one's own self. 8  21 binding i n c r e a s e d availability of reading materials. Major c h a n g e s in delivery t e c h n o l o g y (i.e., railroads, telegraph, t e l e p h o n e , radio a n d television) b r o a d e n e d t h e market for information. T h e s e d e v e l o p m e n t s in information flow, a c c e p t a n c e a n d u s e are significant to this study of m e n ' s sexuality. F o r instance, the w o r d s available in E n g l i s h for d i s c u s s i o n of s e x related subjects are very few for polite society, more in m e d i c a l s p e e c h , a n d legion in c o m m o n or vulgar? d i s c o u r s e . T h e m e d i c a l world's v o c a b u l a r y , mostly derived from Latin a n d G r e e k , is p r e c i s e , but largely unintelligible to the a v e r a g e m a n ( S e e S t e d m a n , 1990, for supportive e x a m p l e s ) : I m a g e s - v e r b a l or pictorial-offer a wide variety of possibilities for presenting a n d understanding s e x u a l m e a n i n g s . Images c a n tie m e a n i n g to w o r d s with great strength. Images c a n r e s h a p e m e a n i n g a s s o c i a t e d with w o r d s , a n d c a n present o n e m a n ' s m e a n i n g for m a n y to s e e a n d a b s o r b ( P a v i o , 1978). S i g h t s , s o u n d s a n d s m e l l s a p p e a r to h a v e a very direct path into the mind a n d m e m o r y of m a n y m e n , e s p e c i a l l y w h e n s e x u a l i z e d (Kendrick, 1988, c h a p . 3). This m e m o r y - i m a g e combination is utilized heavily in m a n y of m e n ' s s e x u a l c o m p u l s i o n s , for they a r e b a s e d u p o n i m a g e s . Often t h e s e i m a g e s h a v e no b a s i s in the immediate reality in w h i c h the m e n live. T h e s e fantasy i m a g e s m a y b e for g o o d or ill; m a y h a v e  The word vulgar is derived from the Latin root vulga. -gati which carries the base meaning of "common people". See "Cassel's Latin Dictionary" (Talmadge, 1938) for full details. Hence, the phrases "common speech" and "vulgar speech" once meant the same thing. This is the way both words are used by the Bard himself, demonstrating the migration of this meaning over the years. Vulgar took on especially negative sexual connotations during the Victorian period (Kendrick, 1988). 9  22 therapeutic v a l u e (Dwyer, 1990) or diagnostic capability (Stoller, 1979, 1 9 7 5 / 1 9 8 6 ; P r y o r & Stoller, 1994). A c t s of c o m p u l s i v e sexuality are not a l w a y s criminal. M o s t often they are tolerated vulgarities or minor infractions of often a r c h a i c laws. T h e subject of pornography is a g o o d e x a m p l e of the former; prostitution is a n a g e old e x a m p l e of the latter; while child pornography a n d child prostitution are now c l a s s e d a s truly criminal. T h e s e b o u n d a r i e s are neither precise nor historically consistent. T h e l e s s o n here is clear, however. S e x u a l ethics, morality and criminality are a s c h a n g e a b l e a s l a n g u a g e ; in fact, s o m e would argue that it c h a n g e s with the l a n g u a g e ( R e i c h , 1 9 4 5 / 1 9 7 5 ; R e i k , 1966). In studying s e x u a l recovery, this thesis attempts to rediscover s o m e of the ancient paths to s e x u a l w i s d o m . T h i s h a s highlighted the important fact that patriarchal, sexist attitudes are d e e p l y s e a t e d in the social p s y c h e of m o d e r n m e n ( G a y l i n , 1992). R e c o v e r y from t h e s e or any other mainline attitude requires consistent a n d committed work o n the part of the recovering p e r s o n , a s well a s w o r k to c h a n g e the social b a c k g r o u n d w h i c h m a k e s the attitudes a c c e p t a b l e to m a n y . T h e Historical Attitudes: Intellectualism or the Denigration of the P h y s i c a l T h e G r e e k philosopher Plato likened the true nature of reality to a m a n s e e k i n g the s o u r c e of d a n c i n g i m a g e s upon the wall of a c a v e . T h e s e e k e r is frustrated at every turn by the mysterious s h a d o w s , and cannot d e d u c e from t h e m the nature of their constructive s o u r c e s . Plato s a w that w e could only d i s c e r n the  23 i m a g e s of reality, a s apperception of our s e n s e s . T h e i r s o u r c e s , real reality, lay behind the impenetrable wall, shielded from the intellect, a n d from deductive experiment a s well. O n l y the p h e n o m e n a , the a p p e a r a n c e s are available to the s e e k e r s . (For full text a n d interpretation s e e " P l a t o ' s : T h e R e p u b l i c " ; Jowett, 1944) T o d a y ' s empirical r e s e a r c h e r s ( d e s c e n d a n t s of P l a t o ' s competitor Aristotle) still try mightily to penetrate the curtain of the s e n s e s , only to h a v e the object of their s e a r c h slither a w a y at the last moment. W h e n they believe that they h a v e m a d e it, the reality w h i c h they s e e k is mysteriously g o n e . ( F e y n m a n , 1 9 8 5 ; B e a h r s , 1986; H a w k i n g , 1988) T h e i m a g e of the C a v e in Plato's R e p u b l i c is a n important o n e , not only of e p i s t o m o l o g y but a l s o of h u m a n sexuality. It re-presents for us the struggle w h i c h h a s g o n e o n u n a b a t e d s i n c e P l a t o ' s time: a struggle o v e r the m e a n i n g of truth, the m e a n i n g of life, the place of pleasure a n d order, the value of sexuality a n d sensuality. It w a s a n d is a truly s e m i n a l image of a n ongoing paradox. C o n s i d e r h o w the c a v e relates to the feminine principle: the c l a s s i c i m a g e of life in the dark, earthy c a v e of the Mother G o d d e s s .  O b s e r v e the s p e a r of m a s c u l i n e  analytic skill attempting to s e a r c h a n d penetrate this d e e p reality, constantly thrusting itself in vain against the c a v e wall. A n d yet, the two p r i n c i p l e s - c a v e a n d tree, J o n i a n d L i g n u m , m a l e a n d f e m a l e - a r e n e e d e d to p r o d u c e , to uncover, to participate in life. T h e intellect is engulfed by the generative material a n d together they p r o d u c e  24 the p h e n o m e n a w e perceive a s reality, a s life, a s all the myriad forms of being w h i c h surround us. P s y c h o l o g y w a s a l s o of great import to Plato. His view of it required all things to be in order, internally a s well a s externally. H e n c e w e find his s u c c e s s o r s d e e p l y c o n c e r n e d with the proper order of spirit a n d body, with the proper u s e of the functions of the mind, a n d with the of the proper u s e of potentialities of the  body-  e s p e c i a l l y sexuality. H e b r e w thought in the c l a s s i c a l period w a s eventually influenced by the G r e e k s . But their o w n distinct a n d original point of view w a s quite different.  Their  h e a v e n s held only o n e G o d , s o there w a s no room for divinized evil a s in m a n y p a g a n a n d early Christian societies. C r e a t i o n w a s g o o d . M a n m a d e m i s t a k e s . A l l creation w a s a single flowing unity, created by a G o o d G o d for the benefit of m a n - i n u s e a n d m i s u s e . Purity c o d e s eventually played a large part in H e b r e w religious thought, though they w e r e foreign to its roots (Brown, 1988, pp. 57 - 64). A l l of t h e s e conflicting v i e w s are presented in the H e b r e w s a c r e d scriptures a n d c o m m e n t a r i e s - T o r a h a n d M i s h n a h . T h e Christian Bible contains most of t h e m , for t h o s e w h o c h o o s e to s e e them. T h e beliefs presented in t h e s e writings are a l s o easily misinterpreted a n d m i s r e p r e s e n t e d ( S p o n g , 1 9 9 1 , c h a p . 1). In the s e x u a l s p h e r e , this quickly p r o d u c e d h o m o p h o b i a , h e t e r o s e x u a l i s m , a n d restrictive s e x u a l c o d e s of behaviour.  25 Imperial R o m e is often depicted a s a violent, morally d e g r a d e d world of m a l e control a n d lust. A l t h o u g h partly true, it a l s o had roots in R e p u b l i c a n R o m e w h i c h w a s a world of hearth a n d h o m e , of engineering marvels, of a d v a n c i n g m e d i c a l practise, of great literature a n d poetry. ( S e e Dudly, 1960; Durant, 1 9 4 4 / 1 9 7 2 ) T h e R o m a n world a l s o a p p e a r s to have b e e n far more sexually liberal than w e are today. S o m e interpret the literary a n d architectural bits left to us o n this t h e m e a s e v i d e n c e of a libertine society, while others s e e t h e m a s the C l u b M e d of the first century C E . P e r h a p s R o m a n e n t h u s i a s m merely o v e r c a m e the "all things in their p l a c e " attitude of their G r e e k a n d E t r u s c a n a n c e s t o r s ( D u c a , 1966, c h a p s . 2 & 3). Early Christian thinkers, w h o w e r e really R o m a n s b e n e a t h their t o g a s , p i c k e d up the reigning thought patterns of their era a n d tried to b e n d t h e m to their o w n p u r p o s e s . S o m e s u c c e e d e d more than others. Tertullian ( 2  n d  century C E ) a n d his  followers took R o m a n i d e a s o n sexuality a n d e m p h a s i s e d the e l e m e n t s of g o o d a n d b a d while creating a Christian p r e s e n c e . T h e y a s s o c i a t e d evil with carnality, a n d the carnal with the s e x u a l . T h e f e m a l e principle a n d therefore w o m a n , w a s the incarnation of s e x u a l evil. A m a n ' s right a n d proper c o u r s e w a s to d o all in his p o w e r to beat the created o r d e r - e s p e c i a l l y the evils of s e x u a l i t y - i n t o s u b m i s s i o n . T h i s w a s a literal a n d p h y s i c a l precept, s o that w o m a n did not fare well in this world (For detail o n t h e s e points s e e S a l i s b u r y , 1992, Pt. I). A u g u s t i n e of Hippo ( 3  rd  century C E ) represents a more m o d e r a t e view. It is  strongly influenced by Plato's i d e a s .  Everything w a s created by a g o o d G o d , a n d all  26 creation is therefore g o o d . M a n ' s propensity to err allows him to u s e things badly, but d o e s not m a k e a n y of creation, including his o w n parts a n d faculties, evil in its o w n right.  M a n ' s proper c o u r s e for A u g u s t i n e w a s to k e e p all things in appropriate  b a l a n c e , (cf. Barrow, 1950; A u g u s t i n e , 1962). T h e intellect w a s the highest p o w e r of m a n , a n d the body c a m e in a distant s e c o n d . Scholars, such as Thomas Aquinas (12  th  C e n t u r y C E ) left the s e x u a l - p h y s i c a l  world v i e w e s t a b l i s h e d by the early c h u r c h Father's more or l e s s intact ( B u l l o u g h , 1 9 8 8 ; F o x , 1992). T h e r e are of c o u r s e s o m e studies in feminist s c h o l a r s h i p (Williams & A d e l m a n , 1978; P a g e l s , 1988) w h i c h demonstrate the ups a n d d o w n s of s e x u a l politics in this broad s p a c e of time, but it c h a n g e s little but details. B y the time of the reformation ( 1 6  th  century C E ) it w a s time for c h a n g e , but little lasting c h a n g e  h a p p e n e d then either.  T h e fundamental positions of the reformers w e r e often  morally restrictive, a n d they brought little to R e n a i s s a n c e g e n d e r politics that w a s not already e n s c o n c e d in the cultural traditions of their nation states. (Williams & A d e l m a n , 1978) M u c h of the underpinnings of W e s t e r n 2 0  t h  century s e x u a l theology a n d  p h i l o s o p h y are either b a s e d u p o n , or built in reaction to, the realities of two millennia a g o ( B r o w n , 1988; N e l s o n , 1992; G a y l i n , 1990, c h a p . " S e x " ; S a l i s b u r y , 1 9 9 1 , Pt. 1). Plato, Aristotle, Tertullian, A u g u s t i n e of Hippo, a n d T h o m a s A q u i n a s are joined together in a line of d e s c e n t pointing directly to m o d e r n A n g l o - E u r o p e a n marriage c u s t o m s , s e x u a l politic a n d spiritual c o n c e p t s a s well a s Granville a v e n u e ' s s e x  27 s h o p s . ( S e e N e l s o n , 1983, c h a p s . 1 & 2; N e l s o n , 1992; N e l s o n & Longfellow, 1994) F o r i n s t a n c e , this pedigree c o n f u s e s what is now termed " s e m e n c o n s e r v a t i o n theory" ( d e v e l o p e d by G r e c o R o m a n physician G a l e n ( M o n e y , 1991), anxiety o v e r "the evil m a l e vice", that is, masturbation (von Krafft-Ebing, 1885/1965), a n d the inferior positioning of w o m a n , to c o m e up with rationales for b e h a v i o u r s s u c h a s n o n - c o n s e n s u a l violent s e x a n d s e x u a l slavery. Sexuality, w h e n s e e n a s the preeminent h u m a n physical activity, b e c o m e s the g r o s s e s t e n e m y of the intellectual spirit of m a n . F o r instance, the irrational a s p e c t s w h i c h o v e r c o m e a m a n at the time of o r g a s m w e r e c o n s i d e r e d detrimental to his ability to think, a n d therefore to b e , h u m a n ( F o x , 1992). Historical Attitudes: P o r n o g r a p h y a n d Prostitution P o r n o g r a p h y a s w e c o n c e i v e it is little more than two centuries o l d . It is a m e r e classification s y s t e m created in the pre-Victorian, anti-sexuality a n d a n t i - w o m a n world of 1 7 century E u r o p e . ( S e e H e a t h , 1982; Kendrick, 1988; D u c a , 1 9 6 6 ; th  P e r a l d i , 1992) K e n d r i c k ' s (1988) enlightening study of pornography d e m o n s t r a t e s that the original W e s t e r n word w a s c o i n e d in mid 1 9 century F r a n c e a s a m e d i c a l th  term to be u s e d for cataloguing prostitutes in P a r i s . T h i s w a s part of a n effort to c l e a n up a n d m e d i c a l i z e the free a n d rampant s e x trade in the great F r e n c h cities. Literally, this word is rooted in p o r n o a r a p h o s (nopvoyparjpoa), a G r e e k w o r d m e a n i n g "whore-painter" or "whore-writer".  H o w e v e r , e v e n in G r e e k it is "an a m b i g u o u s o n e  28 s i n c e it fails to specify o n w h i c h end of the brush or pen the w h o r e is f o u n d " (Kendrick, 1 9 8 8 , p. 13). .. A t about the s a m e time, a r c h a e o l o g i s t s b e g a n unearthing the R o m a n cities of H e r c u l a n e u m a n d P o m p e y (Kendrick, 1988, c h a p . 1; D e i s s , 1985). T h e y w e r e s o m e w h a t s h o c k e d by the graphic e x p r e s s i o n s of sexuality w h i c h they d i s c o v e r e d virtually e v e r y w h e r e : in f r e s c o e s a n d statuary, o n door-posts a n d belt b u c k l e s , in public p l a c e s a n d private b e d r o o m s . M i s u n d e r s t a n d i n g the R o m a n s a s a p e o p l e o b s e s s e d totally by s e x (perhaps b e c a u s e they t h e m s e l v e s were), t h e s e a r c h a e o l o g i s t s attempted to present this newfound k n o w l e d g e in a w a y w h i c h protected the w e a k (i.e., w o m e n , the y o u n g , a n d the u n e d u c a t e d ) but m a d e it available to the strong (i.e., well e d u c a t e d , rich men). M a n y of their c a t a l o g u e s , a n d limited edition folios of s k e t c h e s w e r e titled with s o m e form of the word  pornography.  T h e y w e r e frequently provided in Latin. E n g l i s h translations, e v e n of F r e n c h w o r k s , w e r e rare until quite recently. T h i s whole m o v e m e n t g a v e rise to the current m e a n i n g of pornography, in rank contrast to its e a r l i e r - 4  th  century G r e e k , a n d 1 9  th  century  French-meaning. W h y did they not simply bury what they h a d f o u n d , if it w a s so upsetting?  Or  simply destroy it a s s o m a n y previous reformers had d o n e ? Instead it s e e m s to h a v e b e c o m e a g e n t l e m a n ' s a r e n a of titillation, a n d a s i d e s h o w for the u n e d u c a t e d . W e r e they c a u g h t by the f r e e d o m of information m a n i a , or simply enthralled by the depth a n d p o w e r of forbidden s e x ? T a k e n in the light of historical facts k n o w n today, what  29 w a s found at P o m p e y w a s really a vacation spot for the rich. A s a parallel p r o c e s s , what will p e o p l e a t h o u s a n d y e a r s h e n c e think of us, if all that remains of our fine societies is i m a g e s of C l u b M e d , of downtown L a s V e g a s , or C a n c u n ? A m o d e r n definition of pornography is extremely difficult. K e n d r i c k (1988) d e s c r i b e s it a s s e x for financial gain only. Lo D u c a (1966, c h a p . 2) calls it sexuality without eroticism. Similar definitions could be applied to prostitution. T h e two w o r d s are intimately tied together in etiology. T h e ties that bind in this c a s e are simply financial. Prostitutes, in g e n e r a l , are r e d u c e d to marketing a n d selling their b o d i e s a n d bodily functions to m a k e a living. After a while, it b e c o m e s a habit hard to break for many. But the status of prostitutes is far more a d a m n i n g statement about w e s t e r n society a n d its m o r e s , than it is about the w o m e n a n d m e n w h o practise it (Stoller, 1979, 1975/1986). P o r n o g r a p h y is a sideline for s o m e prostitutes, a n advertising m e c h a n i s m for others, a n d a magnificent m o n e y m a k i n g enterprise for t h o s e w h o control it. T h e film "The P e o p l e v s Larry Flint" ( F o r m a n , 1996) offers a graphic a n d powerful presentation of s o m e major i s s u e s involved in the c o n s u m p t i o n a n d creation of pornography. Sexuality c a n be a n enlightening power in h u m a n life a n d it c a n be a n a w e s o m e , raw force w h i c h c o n s u m e s people. It matters little w h e t h e r y o u are 1 century R o m a n or 2 0  t h  st  century C a n a d i a n . Psychiatry, in its c l a s s i c D i a g n o s t i c a n d  Statistical M a n u a l , ( A m e r i c a n Psychiatric A s s o c i a t i o n , 1 9 9 4 a , s e c t i o n 3 0 2 ) s e e s this destructive frame of sexuality a s pathology; a s miscreant; a s o b s e s s i v e , c o m p u l s i v e ,  30 or addictive; a s a b n o r m a l , bizarre, variant, perverted, aberrant, or deviant. W e still a p p e a r to h a v e trouble dealing in clear terms with s e x u a l reality. In private, e v e n the Victorians w e r e a w a r e of the central position of sexuality in healthy h u m a n behaviour.  Y e t today, fundalit Christians ( S p o n g , J . S . , p e r s o n a l c o m m u n i c a t i o n s ,  J u l y 14, 1996) still b l a m e the physical m a l a d y of A I D S upon the s e x u a l p r a c t i s e s of certain m e n , calling it divine retribution upon the s o n s of S o d o m . F r e u d ' s o w n thesis (1906/1938) that sexuality, in the form of libidinal e n e r g y , is the motive p o w e r of the h u m a n b e i n g , e s p e c i a l l y the p s y c h e , t a k e s for granted the Spirit-Body c o n n e c t i o n a n d attempts to d e - e m p h a s i s e the Spirit, turning the c o n n e c t i o n into a simple physical principal of energy. T h e n a m e of the s c i e n c e he h e l p e d to d e v e l o p - p s y c h o l o g y - l i t e r a l l y m e a n s "study of the s o u l " , or "the W o r d about S o u l " (from the G r e e k w o r d s psyche  (U^nxe) a n d logos (Aovos)). B y redefining  the s e x u a l a n d p s y c h i c facts about o u r s e l v e s , he m a y h a v e c a s t a s i d e a n opportunity to understand o u r s e l v e s more d e e p l y a n d to d e v e l o p our potentials more fully. T h e two n e e d to be rejoined to enliven the possibility for revitalizing a n d reauthorising h u m a n sexuality in W e s t e r n society (Hillman, 1 9 7 5 / 1 9 9 2 , c h a p . 1; M a y , 1967). T o d a y ' s c o m m u n i c a t i o n s m e d i a a n d m o d e r n c o m p u t e r s e x p a n d the possibilities w h i c h Stoller (1979) unveiled in "Centerfold" two d e c a d e s a g o . T h e p e r s o n a l computer, built for g a m i n g a n d video perfection, is a l s o a n ideal m e d i u m for delivering c u s t o m m a d e explicitly s e x u a l material. T h i s is not simply my  31 extrapolation . Any Internet Browser searching on the words "Adult", "Sex" or "Porn" 10  will uncover a wealth of shocking "stuff. This is indeed a revolution in parental worries about and supervision of youth. The confused state of free enterprise and open communication make the Internet's current status a windfall for the prostitution industry. The key factor which makes Internet pornography more profitable and more perverse is the extreme simplicity with which vendors can meet the precise desires of their customers. It can occur in total privacy and relative secrecy, two prime characteristics of any addictive process. It is difficult to summarize hundreds of years of history. But one thing can be said for sure: The place of sexuality and the position of woman in the Western world are tied intimately together, sometimes quite literally. In A History of  Eroticism,  author Lo Duca closes his chapter on Christian Europe with a telling commentary on the witch-hunt craze which held sway in Christian Europe from the 8 to the 18 th  th  centuries: Under Innocent VIII appeared one of the most nefarious monuments of ignorance shaped by hate: Malleus Maleficarum  'corpus jure' holding forth  [during the Inquisition] until the Renaissance with Protestants and Catholics alike. ... Tortures practised on naked bodies of children, young girls or ripe women, gave birth to sensations which will be classified later as dementia forms of orgasm, of which the judges and the torturers-without overlooking  It seems that this is a true extension of what Marshall McLuhan (1951) clearly saw ahead when he wrote about mechanization and human communications. The message is becoming more and more indistinguishable from the medium. The addictive quality of computer gaming, and computer pornography deserve careful and immediate study. 10  32 the s p e c t a t o r s - w e r e for the moment the unique beneficiaries. O n e of the most d a m n i n g blights on O c c i d e n t a l Civilization w a s that, in drawing a w a y from the letter a n d spirit of the G o s p e l s , " w o m a n could only be a p p r o a c h e d a s a n a n i m a l in heat, without a n y clear perception of her a n a t o m y a n d h u m a n subtlety." W o m a n thus b e c a m e s c a p e g o a t for the m a l e ' s p a s s i o n s . S h e is "object of s h a m e " , "temptress", "guilty s i n c e E d e n " , "wanton", " s h e w h o d r a g g e d m a n d o w n into sin", "the s c o r p i o n ' s sting", "the path to vice", "the maleficent s e x " , e t c .  11  in short, witches s e e d . (1966, pp. 77-79)  If this w a s the w a y W e s t e r n theologies v i e w e d w o m e n for o v e r a t h o u s a n d y e a r s , a n d it is clearly d o c u m e n t e d , then how could w e not be affected e v e n s e v e r a l hundred y e a r s later! Is it any w o n d e r that W e s t e r n m e n are c o n f u s e d a n d w o m e n are e n r a g e d . A C h a l l e n g e from History to the P r e s e n t : S e x o l o g y v s S e x o s o p h v C e n t u r i e s of strict attempts at regulation of sexuality h a v e resulted in attempts by m e d i c a l s c i e n c e to r e d u c e s e x to mere physicality. B e f o r e reviewing the literature of the current e r a , it is important to g r a s p the intent a n d p u r p o s e of this differentiation. T h e w o r d s sexology  a n d sexosophy  h a v e b e e n u s e d to d e s c r i b e  polar o p p o s i t e s in the d e b a t e o n h u m a n s e x u a l behaviour.  S e x o s o p h y often carries  a negative connotation in the literature. It is u s e d by the scientist to refer with d i s d a i n to the non-scientific thinking style of philosophy about s e x . But the potential r i c h n e s s a n d depth of the s e x u a l relationship c a n be only partially e x p l a i n e d or k n o w n by a  "These quoted phrases are footnoted with a reference to the first Councils of the Christian church. Similar phraseology can be found in many manuals of preaching published by many Christian denominations up to the late 19 century. th  33 scientific study of s e x ; that is, s e x o l o g y . work a n d writings of s e v e r a l 2 0  th  T h i s polarized d e b a t e is represented in the  century specialists.  J o h n M o n e y , psychologist and s e x researcher, holds the more extreme sexologist position (i.e., neo-positivist).  H e follows in the tradition set by v o n Krafft-  E b i h g (although M o n e y (1990a) a l s o e x p o s e s s o m e 1 9 century scientific errors). th  M o n e y m a y h a v e c o i n e d the word s e x o s o p h y , using it to refer derisively to all n o n scientific r e s e a r c h and opinion upon the subject of s e x or sexuality. In his mind a n d m e t h o d s , sexuality w a s only a n d simply physical; whether b e h a v i o u r s w e r e e x p r e s s e d in the genitals or in the brain. T h o m a s S z a s z h a s scathing c o m m e n t a r y o n this a s p e c t of s e x o l o g i c a l s c i e n c e : " T h e penis, s o m e w a g h a s o b s e r v e d , n e v e r lies. But s e x o l o g i s t s d o - p r i n c i p a l l y b e c a u s e they are determined to c o n c e a l moral v a l u e s a n d s o c i a l policies a s m e d i c a l d i a g n o s e s and treatments."  (1980, p. xvi)  Robert Stoller, a l s o a sexologist, represents a mid-range position. H e w a s a F r e u d i a n scholar, m u c h interested in the place of fantasy in the life of s e x u a l l y aberrant p e r s o n s , mostly m e n . His w o r k - e s p e c i a l l y the reinterpretation of s o m e things F r e u d i a n - w h e n p l a c e d a l o n g s i d e that of J a m e s Hillman, Rollo M a y , J o h n C a m p b e l l , a n d Eric F r o m m b e g i n s to recover the critical place of i m a g e , imagination, fantasy, creativity and myth-making in the s e x u a l p s y c h o l o g y of m o d e r n m e n a n d w o m e n . J a m e s N e l s o n a n d Patrick C a r n e s represent the opposite e n d of the s e x o l o g y - s e x o s o p h y range from M o n e y . N e l s o n is a n ethicist, minister a n d  .  counsellor; C a r n e s is a psychologist and sexuality specialist. B o t h bring a w e a l t h of  h u m a n complexity to their p e r s o n a l understandings of h u m a n sexuality. T h e i r m e t h o d s a n d p r o c e s s e s for healing of c o m p u l s i v e sexuality include both scientific a n d spiritual m o d e s . Myth a n d art a n d spirituality are u s e d s i d e by s i d e with cold scientific d a t a . T h e sexologist, or positivist, position strips h u m a n sexuality of everything but objective d a t a . It is n e c e s s a r y to u n c o v e r t h e s e Underlying facts, but they remain merely m e c h a n i s m s . A l o n e , they support the m e c h a n i s t i c interpretation of humanity. T h e s e x o s o p h e r s , o n the other h a n d , maintain a position w h i c h p r e s e r v e s the r i c h n e s s of the h u m a n mind, a richness w h i c h h a s b e e n s o feared a n d d e g r a d e d s i n c e the time of H o b b e s a n d D e s c a r t e s (Hillman, 1 9 7 5 / 1 9 9 2 , c h a p . 1). It is not the opposition of t h e s e two positions w h i c h c a u s e s trouble, but rather the s i n g l e - m i n d e d rationalist dichotomization of t h e m w h i c h d o e s .  W e n e e d both  t h e s e positions a n d all the w o n d e r s in b e t w e e n to b e c o m e truly h u m a n to the fullest of our potentialities. T h e Literature of Healing T h e b a c k g r o u n d of information o n sexuality in western history helps us to understand the establishment of p e r s o n a l cultural patterns. P e r h a p s most of this is d o n e at h o m e , in our early d a y s . It also h a p p e n s in peer relationships during our formative y e a r s a s b o y s a n d y o u n g m e n . In this m o d e r n e r a , w e a b s o r b s o m e level of relevant culture from the surrounding m e d i a - p r i n t , film, television a n d c o m p u t e r g a m i n g for instance. K n o w l e d g e of the d e v e l o p m e n t a l direction of s e x u a l addiction is  35 primary information for m a n y therapeutic t e c h n i q u e s (Stoller, 1975/1986). K n o w l e d g e of the formative p r o c e s s is critical information in treatment of early childhood t r a u m a (e.g., repetition syndrome). F a m i l y v i o l e n c e a n d addictive patterns are generational patterns, k n o w l e d g e of w h i c h helps in breaking the c y c l e of a b u s e r creation.  But w h y s o m e of this l e a d s to or fosters addiction in o n e m a n a n d not in  others is a mystery still being investigated. W h a t follows is a selective presentation of writings o h the healing of s e x u a l c o m p u l s i o n s . T h e r e are two broad categories of healing m e t h o d o l o g y a n d t e c h n i q u e , s e p a r a t e d generally along the lines of m e d i c a l p r o c e s s or treatment a n d humanistic recovery. T h e r e are m a n y possibilities w h i c h t h e w i s e therapist or c o u n s e l l o r tailors to the n e e d s of e a c h patient or client. N o generally a c c e p t e d method h a s s u r f a c e d a n d there are undoubtedly other w a y s of describing this healing p r o c e s s . T h e s e two categorizations easily overlap a n d a s s i s t o n e another. But for the s a k e of d i s c u s s i o n they provide helpful labels with w h i c h to identify a n d group p i e c e s of the vast array of material available o n s e x u a l healing. S u m m a r i e s of r e c o m m e n d e d a p p r o a c h e s have b e e n recently published (Lew, 1 9 9 0 ; Hunter, 1990). A m o n g other m o d e s of treatment are a p p r o a c h e s w h i c h might be labelled a s moralist or punitive-legalistic. T h e s e m o d e s tend to punish a n d b l a m e both perpetrator a n d victim, rather than promote healing. Therefore, no further mention will be m a d e of these.  36 Interestingly, e a c h healing m o d e h a s its o w n jargon. T h e m e d i c a l c o m m u n i t y a n d bio-medically oriented psychologists tend to u s e the w o r d s s u c h a s  treatment,  d i s e a s e , subjects, patients a n d other medical or scientific oriented p h r a s e s . T h e h u m a n i s t / r e c o v e r y community tends to u s e w o r d s more in the range of recovery, restoration, participants, clients a n d other consultive or philosophically oriented j a r g o n . M a k i n g s o m e distinctions b e t w e e n treatment a n d recovery m a y help to clarify the orientations. Treatment is defined in S t e d m a n ' s M e d i c a l dictionary (1982) a s : " T h e m e d i c a l or surgical c a r e or m a n a g e m e n t of a patient. T o m a n a g e a d i s e a s e by m e d i c i n a l , surgical or other m e a s u r e s " . W e b s t e r ' s Online Dictionary (1997) defines it a s " T h e act or m a n n e r or a n instance of treating s o m e o n e or s o m e t h i n g : handling, u s a g e " a n d notes that it w a s first u s e d circa 1560. T h e r a p y is defined a s "the treatment of d i s e a s e by various m e t h o d s . ( S t e d m a n ' s , 1982) a n d a s "therapeutic treatment e s p e c i a l l y of bodily, mental, or behavioural disorder" (Webster's online) c o m i n g into u s a g e only circa 1 8 4 6 . R e c o v e r y o n the other hand is defined a s "regaining of health or function after d i s e a s e or disability" in S t e d m a n ' s (1982) w h i c h s e e m s to imply that it is s e p a r a t e from or at least c o m e s after treatment.  W e b s t e r ' s online (1997) calls it "the act,  p r o c e s s or a n d instance of recovering; especially: a n e c o n o m i c upturn" being brought into u s a g e circa the 1 5  th  century.  37 There is a definite dividing line between treatment and recovery. In the medical world, they are two different subjects, sequential in time, with treatment being primary. There is also a strong emphasis in the health care system on prevention, which is becoming more and more important in this era of restricted economic resources. Similar approaches might be emphasized in the area of family dysfunctions, whether the addiction of choice is drugs, alcohol, foods or sex (Canadian Guide, 1994). Psychiatry and the medical community frequently deal in treatment of disease. Pharmacology, surgery and other medical procedures are used to cure the patient. Psychology and counselling professionals more often deal in recovery. The client is guided, without being judged, in a direction of cultural and personal health which is jointly chosen by the client and counsellor. Medical methods may be recommended or used as assists, but the primary focus of recovery is to obtain that which has been lost or hidden in the lifestyle. Which is truly foremost is also a subject of debate. An emphasis on dual diagnosis (Evans & Sullivan, 1990) within the addictions treatment community tends to pull the two categories together. Perhaps they are spread out too far along the current continuum of health care.  38 Literature F o c u s s e d o n M a l e Treatment S e x o l o g i s t s often claim to b e fully scientific in their a p p r o a c h to s e x , a n d thus believe t h e m s e l v e s to b e divorced from cultural a n d s o c i a l s u r r o u n d i n g s . 12  proponents of s e x o l o g y a r e found in m a n y fields.  Modern  Psychologist John Money,  historian K e n n e t h A n g e r , psychiatrist Robert Stoller, statisticians Alfred K i n s e y W a r d e l l P o m e r o y all held to s o m e s e x o l o g i c a l beliefs, usually referring to t h e m a s facts. M u c h of the m o d e r n medical profession a l s o follows this path a s a matter of c o u r s e . Their varied contributions to s e x o l o g y offer useful descriptive facts about h u m a n s , but m a y tend towards m e c h a n i z a t i o n of p e r s o n a n d malady. T a x o n o m y of S e x u a l S i c k n e s s J o h n M o n e y e x p e n d e d great energy to define more categories of s e x u a l s i c k n e s s than a r e present in the current edition of D S M - I V (1994b, pp. 2 4 3 - 2 4 6 ) . P e r h a p s h e a n d his a s s o c i a t e s w e r e unsatisfied with the lack of detail, complexity or c o m p l e t e n e s s found in the m a n u a l . M o r e categories would c o r r e s p o n d to the v a s t m o r a s s of intertwined relationships they s a w daily in their clinics ( M o n e y 1984, 1994). At a n y rate, M o n e y h a s p r o p o s e d a table (see T a b l e 1, below) of o v e r thirty different forms of s e x o l o g i c a l d i s e a s e .  The introduction to "A History of Eroticism" by French author, playwright and historian Lo Duca, translated by American avant garde director Kenneth Anger holds otherwise: "The so-called 'Sexual Revolution' which is sweeping today's troubled world for better or for worse, cannot possibly be understood except in the context of history. ... Unfortunately, while libraries are replete with weighty tomes on the history of civilization and society in general... we can still look almost in vain for the history of eroticism—which is the storey of man's most powerful force: the sex drive." (Duca, 1966, pp. 5-6.) 12  39 A C R O T O M O P H I L I A (Amputee Partner)  MYSOPHILIA (Filth)  A P O T E M N O P H I L I A (Self-amputee)  NARRATOPHILIA (Erotic talk)  A S P H Y X I O P H I L I A (Self-strangularion)  N E C R O P H I L I A (Corpse)  A U T A G O N I S T O P H I L I A (on Stage)  PEDOPHILIA (Child)  A U T A S S A S S I N O P H I L I A (Own murder  PICTOPHILIA (Pictures)  staged) AUTONEPIOPHILIA (Diaperism)  PEIODEIKTOPHILIA (Penile exhibitionism)  C O P R O P H I L I A (Feces)  R A P I S M or BIASTOPHILIA (Violent Assault)  E P H E B O P H I L I A (Youth)  SADISM  E R O T O P H O N O P H I L I A (Lust Murder)  S C O P T O P H I L I A (Watching coitus)  FETISHISM  SOMNOPHILIA (Sleeper)  F R O T T E U R I S M (Rub against a stranger)  STIGMATOPHILIA (Piercing; tatoos)  G E R O N T O P H I L I A (Elders)  S Y M P H O R O P H I L I A (Disaster)  HYPHEPHILIA (Fabrics)  T E L E P H O N E SCATOPHILIA (Lewdness)  KELPTOPHILIA (Stealing)  TROILISM (Couple + one)  KLISMAPHILIA (Enemas)  UROPHILIA or UNDINISM (Urine)  MASOCHISM  V O Y E U R I S M or P E E P I N G - T O M I S M ZOOPHILIA (Animal)  Table 1 E x p a n d e d List of Paraphilias ( F r o m M o n e y , 1984, p. 167)  40 But are t h e s e d i a g n o s e s , s y m p t o m s , true d i s e a s e s , or cultural c a t e g o r i e s of u n a c c e p t a b l e b e h a v i o u r s ? M o n e y , being a c o n s u m m a t e sexologist, c h o o s e s the term d i s e a s e a n d interprets e a c h category a s a distinct illness. D i s e a s e is diagnostically d i f f e r e n t i a t e , a n d ultimately treatment pliable. T h e r e f o r e , the deviant h u m a n c a n be returned to the fold of normalized humanity through the ministrations of m o d e r n m e d i c a l p r o c e d u r e s . A n alternative a p p r o a c h interprets t h e s e strange s o u n d i n g G r e c o - R o m a n w o r d s a s s y m p t o m s . T h e d i s e a s e , or d e v i a n c e from the normal b o u n d s , then lies in the p h y s i c a l m a k e u p or d e v e l o p m e n t of related nervous s y s t e m s . T h e d i s e a s e b e c o m e s " P a r a p h i l i a Not Otherwise S p e c i f i e d " ( A m e r i c a n Psychiatric A s s o c i a t i o n , 1994b, s e c t i o n 302.9). Robert Stoller's work (1979, 1975/1986) exemplifies a path similar to this. His interpretive p s y c h o t h e r a p y is b a s e d upon detailed descriptions of individual s e x u a l v a r i a n c e s w h i c h c a n be s e e n a s q u e s for therapeutic u n d e r s t a n d i n g a n d related helping c h a n g e s . T h i s is well presented in a pair of articles o n the pornography industry called "Centerfold: a n e s s a y o n excitement" (Stoller, 1979) a n d " P o r n : M y t h s for the twentieth century" (Stoller, 1991). Y e t , the articles reveal a niggling humanistic interpretation of s e x u a l d e v i a n c e . T h i s could be e x p a n d e d by interpreting the categories a s descriptive n a m e s a s s o c i a t e d with cultural non-conformity.  N a m i n g the place a n d impact of culture  within the p r o c e s s of addictive sexuality c l e a r s the w a y for reduction of p e r s o n a l s h a m e a n d b l a m e in its treatment.  41 T h e P a t h o l o g y of S e x u a l D e v i a n c e T h e study of sexuality in the broad s e n s e h a s most often p r o c e e d e d o n the g r o u n d s of the pathological; that is, what is wrong with this p e r s o n ? T h e definition of s e x u a l pathology h a s b e e n a s p e c i a l interest of the G e r m a n s a n d the F r e n c h for almost two centuries. R e c a l l i n g the brief histories a b o v e , w e found that the word pornography w a s a F r e n c h invention, with original overtones of health c a r e . A n d the G e r m a n s s e e m exceptionally g o o d at precise c a t a l o g u e s a n d s e t s of definitions. W i t n e s s to this is given by v o n Krafft-Ebing's m o n u m e n t a l work " P s y c h o p a t h i a Sexualis"(1885/1965) . 13  T h i s E u r o p e a n interest in the pathological side of sexuality set the m a n n e r in w h i c h sexuality would b e a d d r e s s e d by the western m e d i c a l p r o f e s s i o n . A l t h o u g h this attitudinal tone w a s d e v e l o p e d almost two centuries a g o , in North A m e r i c a it is only n o w being p u s h e d a s i d e by the results of the s e x u a l revolution of the 1960's a n d 1970's ( D u c a , 1966, c h a p . 1; R e i c h , 1945/1975). A v i o l e n c e p e r h a p s inherent in w e s t e r n Christian attitudes towards sexuality has a l s o crept into the treatment of sexual pathology . 14  The Victorian era required that such works be coded in Latin, Greek or other uncommon, untranslated language. The works were also kept locked away in public libraries until quite recently (sec Duca, 1966, chap. 1 & 2, for a detailed history.) Modern scholars, however, are not as bothered by moralists who wish to restrict access to precious historical resources. 13  Refer to the brief historical literature introduction especially on Augustinian thought and the general denigration of the physical which pervades Platonic philosophy. This dominant view of early Christian thinkers viewed sex as an evil to be exterminated, as a destructive force impeding the true rational nature of man. Note also that they most often used the word man as male not man as human beings. 14  42 F e m i n i s m h a s d o n e m u c h to u n c o v e r a n d c h a l l e n g e th  But  s e x u a l r e a s s i g n m e n t surgeries, clitorectomies, a n d radical m a s t e c t o m i e s ( M o n e y , 1 9 6 8 , 1985) still carry a taint of this misogynist, anti-sexual history. M u c h h a s b e e n detailed o n e a c h of t h e s e subjects, but the relevant, remnant point is the negative tone a n d attitude s o often a s s o c i a t e d with sexuality. This culturally b a s e d attitude is clearly s e e n in two of the narratives interpreted later in the d a t a of this study. P s y c h o - P h y s i c a l S e x u a l Illness T h e m e d i c a l profession treats m a n y physical problems in s e x u a l function.  The  D S M - I V lists a n u m b e r of d i f f e r e n t i a t e d i a g n o s e s of physical s e x u a l function d i s e a s e . It a l s o refers to other non-physical m a l a d i e s with a catch-all term: " s e x u a l dysfunction not otherwise specified" ( A m e r i c a n Psychiatric A s s o c i a t i o n , 1 9 9 4 a , section 302.70). P s y c h e is still a medical mystery, but it is often c o n f u s e d a n d c o m b i n e d within the physical m a l a d i e s . W h a t is the place of imagery, memory, fantasy or recollection in a n y particular i n s t a n c e ? H o w d o h o r m o n e s a n d brain chemistry effect t h e s e mental p r o c e s s e s ? R e s e a r c h o n similar questions relating to v i o l e n c e ( V o l a v k a , 1995) h a s led to no definite c o n c l u s i o n s . Similarly in s e x r e s e a r c h , meaningful k n o w l e d g e of the interface b e t w e e n Neurobiology a n d s e x u a l b e h a v i o u r is b e y o n d our current scientific ability. Psychiatrist Robert Stoller (1975/1986) finds connective material in the situational a n d d e v e l o p m e n t a l details of a particular p e r s o n ' s s e x u a l malady.  Both  43 family a n d cultural-social surroundings are taken into a c c o u n t in great detail. (Stoller, 1979) A n d w h a t role d o e s the p s y c h o l o g y df emotions play in this field. Skill in identifying a n d dealing with strong emotions is valuable in s e x u a l healing (GriffinS h e l l e y , 1 9 9 3 , c h a p . 4 & 5). P h i l o s o p h e r / p s y c h o l o g i s t William J a m e s w a s a w a r e of their v a l u e o v e r a century a g o .  In a n abridgement of his c l a s s i c " P r i n c i p l e s of  P s y c h o l o g y " published for university c l a s s r o o m u s a g e ( J a m e s , 1 9 0 2 / 1 9 4 8 ) he states: " A n g e r , fear, love, hate, joy, grief, s h a m e , pride, a n d their varieties, m a y be called the coarser  emotions, coupled  (my e m p h a s i s , p. 374).  as they are with relatively  strong bodily  reverberations"  T h e s e c o a r s e r emotions are useful for differentiation of  s e n s a t e states, the c o m p l e x of bodily r e s p o n s e s g e n e r a t e d by received s e n s a t i o n s . S o m e p e o p l e m a y be c a p a b l e of mixing a n d matching d o z e n s of identifiable emotions, but m a n y m o d e r n m e n are frequently unskilled in the art form of identifying a n d n a m i n g the mixes (Gaylin, 1992; S a n f o r d & L o u g h , 1988). U s i n g a more b a s i c set of e m o t i o n s simplifies the task of recognition. In therapy, a primary task is often to e x p a n d the m a n ' s emotive repertoire, helping him to e n g a g e more of himself in discerning his internal states (Ellis, P i e r s m a , & G r a y s o n , 1990). Internal differentiation, a c c o m p a n i e d by i n c r e a s e d breadth of verbal ability, is a step o n the w a y to c o n s c i o u s external control of b e h a v i o u r for the individual (Wells, -1990). Control of b e h a v i o u r allows a m a n to b e g i n  44 understanding his actions a n d later to c h o o s e a more personally, culturally a n d spiritually satisfying lifestyle. This is a solid step in the direction of recovery. Sexual Pharmacology A variety of c h e m i c a l a g e n t s h a v e b e e n found to r e d u c e sex-drive, or what is often termed erotosexual a r o u s a l . M a n y anti-depressants, a n d serotonin control additives, a s well a s specific male h o r m o n e or anti-hormone a g e n t s ( s e e H u c k e r & S t e r m a c , pp. 7 0 7 - 7 0 9 for a n a m a z i n g array of a c r o n y m i c a n d multi-syllabic m e d i c a m e n t s ) p r o d u c e t h e s e effects. T h e anti-depressant drugs include P r o z a c , clomipramine a n d imipramine; a n d lithium derivatives. T h e majority of this r e s e a r c h h a s b e e n performed upon incarcerated s e x criminals, a n d is therefore quite limited in application. ( M o n e y , 1984, 1990b; H u c k e r & S t e r m a c , 1992; C o l e m a n , 1991) T h e p h a r m a c o l o g i c a l a p p r o a c h a d h e r e s to the m e d i c a l m o d e l of s e x u a l d i s e a s e . T h e underlying a s s u m p t i o n is that the brain, nervous s y s t e m or h o r m o n a l s y s t e m of the affected male is s o m e h o w sick or in error. M e d i c a l s c i e n c e s e e k s to restore the b a l a n c e of chemistry erroneously left incomplete by mother nature.  A  significant problem for this a p p r o a c h is the lack of truly normative s t a n d a r d s u p o n w h i c h to b a s e the return to proper levels. S u c h standards are generally a s s u m e d to be the statistical a v e r a g e s generated in particular studies ( M o n e y , 1987). A g a i n , s e e H u c k e r a n d S t e r m a c for a m a s s i v e bibliography of m e d i c a l r e s e a r c h . T h e y s u m m a r i z e s e x u a l h o r m o n e studies thus: " A c o m p r e h e n s i v e review of studies in this  45 a r e a , however, s u g g e s t s that, at best, a w e a k link exists b e t w e e n testosterone levels a n d s e x u a l a g g r e s s i o n " (p. 704, 1992). T h e r e is no d e b a t e a s to the efficacy of certain drug treatments. S e x drive or s e x u a l interest c a n be eliminated in a n y male with sufficient application of proper d r u g s . H o w e v e r , s u c h a s e v e r e a p p r o a c h must be constantly e v a l u a t e d a s to w h e t h e r it is more punitive than therapeutic, a n d therefore o p e n to c h a n g e . Literature f o c u s s e d on M e n ' s R e c o v e r y T h e spiritual c o n c e p t s of a b a n d o n m e n t , a c c e p t a n c e , strength of will a n d r e l e a s e of the will to a n outside, (Alcoholics A n o n y m o u s , 1938/1976) often divine, authority conflict with s o m e p s y c h o l o g i c a l theory. All of the aforementioned c o n c e p t s are intimately c o n n e c t e d in the spiritual writings of m a n y belief s y s t e m s (e.g., Christianity, Hindi, Muslim). Y e t , m a n y p s y c h o l o g i c a l scientists either t o s s t h e m out ( F r e u d , 1928/1953), try to explain them a w a y (Skinner, 1971), or s e e k to capture their p o w e r in mathematical formulae (Story, 1979). Neither scientific a p p r o a c h w o r k s well, for the c o n c e p t s are too s l i p p e r y - t o o c o m p l e x a n d intertwined--to g r a s p in laboratory tongs or mathematical methodology. A more hopeful a p p r o a c h meets t h e s e daemons  15  in their o w n s p a c e . T r u e  spirituality lives personified in the realm of P s y c h e (Hillman, 1 9 7 5 / 1 9 9 2 , c h a p . 1) s i d e  Contrary to what Christianity and other religions have made of the word demon, its source daemon has a much richer and more respectful history. The word itself is derived from the Greek, wherein 15  it simply means "authority", or "a power", and is used a such with great effect by James Hillman in much of his later writings. The concept of mental or spiritual power is highly germane to the topics of addiction and recovery.  46 by s i d e with p e r s o n a l a n d cultic myth (May, 1 9 9 1 , c h a p . 2). Scientific d i s m e m b e r m e n t of P s y c h e ' s world l e a v e s us with the s a m e result a s a n y a u t o p s y : a few i d e a s about m e c h a n i s m s , interconnections a n d b i o c h e m i s t r y - a n d a c o r p s e . O n the other h a n d , attempting a n understanding of the p h e n o m e n a a n d N u m e n a involved g i v e s understanding a n d w i s d o m for life (Stoller, 1979; R o s e g r a n t , 1986). H u m a n b e i n g s tend towards error, are abie to twist a n d turn our u n d e r s t a n d i n g s ; to mix t h e m up in u n r e c o g n i z a b l e f a s h i o n , a n d call t h e m k n o w l e d g e ( S p o n g , 1988, 1991). Twelve Step Programs. T h e control of b e h a v i o u r is essential to living in the m o d e r n world: A conflict enters here b e t w e e n the c o n c e p t of a c c e p t a n c e a n d letting go found in twelve-step program s u c c e s s stories a n d the drives a n d n e e d s defined for m a n by s o c i a l c o n v e n t i o n s or e v e n p s y c h o l o g i c a l r e s e a r c h . Control of m a n ' s b e h a v i o u r is put d o w n by m a n y hardline recovering addicts (i.e., twelve-step program m e m b e r s ) a s contrary to b a s i c tenets of the program. T h e y b a s e this faith u p o n the p r o g r a m ' s (Alcoholics A n o n y m o u s , 1 9 3 8 / 1 9 7 6 , p. 5 9 ; C a r n e s , 1 9 9 1 , pp. 179 - 180) first a n d s e c o n d s t e p s . T h e first is p h r a s e d a s : " W e admitted w e w e r e p o w e r l e s s o v e r our addiction - that our lives had b e c o m e u n m a n a g e a b l e " , a n d the s e c o n d states: " W e c a m e to believe that a P o w e r greater than o u r s e l v e s could restore us to sanity". In true h u m a n f a s h i o n , t h e s e essentially spiritual beliefs s o m e t i m e s b e c o m e set in c o n c r e t e , a s if they w e r e a self-help c o m m a n d m e n t . W h e n taken thus a s a  47 rule, they b e c o m e m e a n i n g l e s s drivel. But w h e n e m b r a c e d a s a mythic principle they are full of life-savjng power. Neither this fullness of the twelve-step p r o g r a m , nor the theories of p s y c h o l o g y are contrary to a n understanding of the will, e v e n after the form of twelfth century theologian T h o m a s A q u i n a s (Fox, 1992).  T h e will is  essentially our ability to m a k e d e c i s i o n s . It is a l s o often s e e n a s o n e of the distinguishing characteristics of h u m a n life. W h e n the d e c i s i o n s y s t e m b e c o m e s untrustworthy, then w e must take strong action to repair it; action w h i c h m a y give up this most p e r s o n a l p o w e r to s o m e other trusted being (a g o d , a friend, a program, a doorknob, or for that matter, a psychiatrist). But the p e r s o n is caught o n the horns of a d i l e m m a , a C a t c h - 2 2 : N o will, no action; N o action, no return of will. H e definitely n e e d s outside help, or the p r e s s u r e of d e s p e r a t i o n - t h e inevitability of hitting bottom.  T h i s p h r a s e w a s c o i n e d in  the early d a y s of A A (Alcoholics A n o n y m o u s , 1 9 3 8 / 1 9 7 6 , c h a p . 5). C a r n e s ( 1 9 8 9 , c h a p . 6) d e s c r i b e s it a s the ability to m a k e the u n - m a k e a b l e c h o i c e ; to stretch that o n e last time into the making of a life-giving, or life-destroying d e c i s i o n . Behavioural Psychotherapeutics T h e r e are a n u m b e r of treatment styles b a s e d in the behavioural p s y c h o l o g y s c h o o l . T h e s e include both a v e r s i v e (Smith & W o l f e , 1988) a n d redirective ( D w y e r & A m b e r s o n , 1985) therapeutic a p p r o a c h e s . In g e n e r a l , the variety of the h u m a n s e n s e s are u s e d to repel or attract the affected individual to a more normal r a n g e of  48 s e x u a l b e h a v i o u r s . A s with all forms of behavioural treatment, primary attention is g i v e n to the external characteristics of the individual. T h e g o a l is to stop behaviour. As chronicled rather poignantly in the film " C l o c k w o r k O r a n g e " (Kubrick, 1971) t h e s e m e t h o d s are a l s o rather effective. T h e key figure, a s e x murderer, is r e d u c e d to a grovelling, d i s t r e s s e d , helpless p e r s o n after treatment for his c r i m e s . S m i t h a n d W o l f e (1988) provide a c o m p r e h e n s i v e review of their retroactive a v e r s i v e m e t h o d .  It  is well e s t a b l i s h e d e s p e c i a l l y in the a r e a of treating s e x u a l criminals, but h a s l e s s effect w h e n working with non-forensic p e r s o n s . B e h a v i o u r a l modification h a s b e c o m e a part of our w e s t e r n culture. Y e t , similar a v e r s i v e t e c h n i q u e s c a n e a s i l y d e s c e n d to mind control.  Redirection of imagery c a n a l s o b e u s e d in quite  humanistic w a y s (Dwyer, 1990), a n d s e e m s applicable to l e s s e r offending behaviours. Interrupting the re-enactment c y c l e : P s y c h o t h e r a p y of a sexually t r a u m a t i z e d boy. T h i s article relates a psychotherapeutic attempt to treat a n eight y e a r old b o y w h o w a s s e x u a l l y traumatized by his father. T h e impetus of the p r o g r a m is stated a s a s s i s t i n g the client "to gain mastery a n d control o v e r his earlier traumatic e x p e r i e n c e s " (Ellis, P i e r s m a & G r a y s o n , 1990, p. 533). T h i s is b a s e d u p o n the belief statement: "few mental health professionals doubt that almost every child that h a s b e e n s e x u a l l y a b u s e d will e x p e r i e n c e p s y c h o l o g i c a l difficulties" (p. 525). But w h y mastery a n d control, rather than a c c e p t a n c e a n d m o v e m e n t forward?  49 S u c h violent s e x u a l h a p p e n i n g s within the family structure are indeed far too c o m m o n . P e r h a p s the iceberg lies beneath the surface still, e v e n after all the petulant reports in the p r e s s . But the "repetition c o m p u l s i o n " w h i c h this program strives to break is b a s e d in culture a s m u c h a s in p e r s o n a l miss-treatment a n d c o p y catting. T h e writings of A l i c e Miller (1986, 1980/1990) a l s o support this direction of thought.  T h e y indicate a tradition of physical a n d s e x u a l v i o l e n c e in the A n g l o -  E u r o p e a n culture w h i c h stretches b a c k w a r d s in time for m a n y centuries. Client-Centred approaches. T h e most interesting characteristic of t h e s e a p p r o a c h e s is their u s e of T w e l v e S t e p program principles a s a m e a n s to recovering a full lifestyle a n d a healthy sexuality, rather than a simple control of the socially u n a c c e p t a b l e b e h a v i o u r (Dwyer, 1 9 9 0 , p. 58). T h e r e is no restriction or prohibition upon a n individual to u s e w h a t e v e r other m e t h o d s they m a y require to help t h e m k e e p their b e h a v i o u r within a c c e p t a b l e r a n g e s during their s e a r c h for health. P s y c h o l o g i s t s m a y still argue over the construction of the personality but in H o l l y w o o d a n d o n W a l l Street it is a fait accompli,  the e s s e n c e of marketing a n d  c a r e e r m a n a g e m e n t . L i k e w i s e in the s e x industry. Prostitutes provide the fantasy realization that their clients require. N o w h e r e is this s o c l e a r a s in a 1979 article titled "Centerfold: A n E s s a y o n Excitement", written by Robert Stoller. It clearly d e l i n e a t e s his h y p o t h e s i s that fantasy is the essential part of the p u r c h a s e r ' s u s e of prostitutes, his o b s e r v a t i o n of exotic d a n c e or of simple eroticism.  H e t e r o s e x u a l P r e s u m p t i o n . (Peraldi, 1993)  T h i s powerful article links  p s y c h o d y n a m i c theory a n d capitalism using Marxist theory. It m a k e s out the e g o a n d self theory to be the m a l a d y of m a n k i n d . T h e polymorphic sexuality ("polysexuality") of the child is the true s e x u a l nature of the m a n , only to be d i s c o v e r e d late in life. P e r h a p s after the mid-life transition of standard J u n g i a n thought. "I s e e h e t e r o s e x u a l presumption a s a typical trait of this kind of imaginary a n d ideological sexuality of the e g o " (p. 370). P e r a l d i ' s primary points are that the heterosexual presumptions of m a n y m e n are c h a l l e n g e d at mid life by a realization of their true d e s i r e s , if not their true nature; a n d that the h e t e r o s e x u a l presumption itself is a capitalistic artifice. T h i s artifice, w h e n c o u p l e d with m a c h o a n d "give me s o n s " attitude prevalent in W e s t e r n society ( C o n n e l l , 1 9 9 1 ; Stoltenberg, 1988) t e n d s to k e e p m e n in line, creating a n d maintaining the m o d e r n unit of c o n s u m p t i o n : the A m e r i c a n Family. H e n c e , s o c i a l i s m , libertarianism a n d a n y other force likely to c h a n g e the s a c r e d structure of the family is strongly fought against. A n d w h e n , or if, a m a n r e a c h e s mid-life, he is more likely to look within himself a n d begin to u n b a l a n c e this entire p r o c e s s . H e just might begin to c o n s i d e r his o w n n e e d s , w a n t s a n d begin to form his o w n p e r s o n a l attitudes. T h e s e m a y be distinctly different from the a v e r a g e . H e m a y e x e c u t e t h e m , or merely be m a d e m i s e r a b l y u n h a p p y by t h e m , a n d not e v e n c o n s c i o u s l y know why.  51 Out of the s h a d o w s , contrary to L o v e . & Don't C a l l it L o v e : R e c o v e r y from S e x u a l A d d i c t i o n . A s e r i e s of b o o k s o n s e x u a l addiction / c o m p u l s i o n by C a r n e s ( 1 9 8 3 , 1989, 1991) spell out the negative effects of w e s t e r n culture in great detail. A n entire v o l u m e is given o v e r to detailing s e x u a l addiction a s a cyclic p r o c e s s , a n d the m a n n e r in w h i c h western family beliefs a n d cultural practises actually a u g m e n t the cyclic effect of s e x u a l abdication. H e u s e s a great d e a l of c a s e study material, a s well a s s u r v e y a n d behavioural a n a l y s i s methodologies. T h e first v o l u m e offers graphic e v i d e n c e of the effects of s e x u a l addiction o n the lives of specific individuals. T h e s e c o n d v o l u m e offers the professional  52  Belief Systems  Unmanageability  Impaired Thinking  Addictive Cycles  Preocupations Shame Ritualizations  Despair  Guilt  Sexual Compulsivity  Figure 2 The Addictive Cycle ( F r o m . C a r n e s , 1989, p. 70)  c o u n s e l l o r C a r n e s o w n collection of methodological detail, s u r v e y s , a n d d a t a b a s e s collected o v e r y e a r s of r e s e a r c h . C a r n e ' s c y c l e of addiction is d i a g r a m m e d in figure  2. • . T h e third v o l u m e re-frames the p r o c e s s into a twelve step recovery pattern. C a r n e s o w n m e t h o d s of recovery blend the medical a n d the recovery paths to healing ( 1 9 9 1 , c h a p . 6). His s t a g e d p r o c e s s represents the a v e r a g e p r o g r e s s through addiction a n d into recovery. T h e s t a g e s are listed a s D e v e l o p m e n t of R e c o v e r y , D e c i s i o n , S h o c k , Grief, R e p a i r s a n d G r o w t h . E a c h h a s c o n s i d e r a b l e  variability a s to activities within the stage a n d the time frame n e e d e d to perform t h e m . T h i s p r o c e s s a p p r o a c h w a s created by observing a n d helping in the recovery of almost 5 0 0 addicts over ten y e a r s of counselling a n d r e s e a r c h . S o m e of the o b s e r v e d characteristics of the recovering addicts are listed in T a b l e 1. T h i s r e s e a r c h is observational, but it s e e m s to indicate that a combination of m e d i c a l technique a n d narrative counselling offers a g o o d c h a n c e of recovery for the willing individual. Throughout the three v o l u m e s , there is a constant indication a n d e m p h a s i s that a n addict must be willing to recover: that is, he or s h e must want to m a k e c h a n g e s a n d actively c h o o s e to d o s o . Part of this c h o i c e is in s e e k i n g the help of other p e r s o n s w h e n the unmanageability of the addiction is realized by the victim.  2  nd  Worse to 6 months th  2  nd  Better to 3 Years rd  Better 3 Year plus rd  S e x addiction relapse  Financial situation  Health sexuality  Health status  C o p i n g with stress  Primary relationship  Spirituality  R e l a t i o n s h i p s with family of origin  Self-image  Relationship with children  C a r e e r Status  Life satisfaction  Friendships Table 2 R e c o v e r y Characteristics ( after C a r n e s , 1 9 9 1 , p. 187.)  54 R e s o u r c e s for Christian c o u n s e l l i n g : C o u n s e l l i n g for s e x u a l d i s o r d e r s .  This  title is a text book o n the p r o c e s s e s of s e x u a l addiction a n d healing written from a Christian client-centred perspective ( P e n n e r & P e n n e r , 1990). It is o n e of a group of writings w h i c h exhibit h o w m u c h the Christian right is working in the addictions recovery m o v e m e n t . Their point of entry s e e m s to be from the Christian c e n t r e d e m p h a s i s of the twelve step recovery m o v e m e n t s . This is fully consistent with the Big B o o k of A l c o h o l i c s A n o n y m o u s (Alcoholics A n o n y m o u s , 1938/1976), w h i c h clearly states the theistic bias of that program, a n d a c k n o w l e d g e s that they c o n c e i v e d it in a Christian community context, a n d world view. E c h o s of t h e s e c o n c e p t s c a n a l s o be found in A d l e r ' s s o c i a l interest theory a n d in the c o n c e p t of the w o u n d e d h e a l e r ( N o u w e n , 1979). Both of t h e s e indicate that understanding a n d c o m p a s s i o n c o m e from the humble e x p e r i e n c e of admitting h u m a n frailty. Failure is not a n evil, e s p e c i a l l y w h e n o n e is able to dust o n e s e l f off a n d m o v e o n to using that e x p e r i e n c e to lead a better life a n d help others to do the s a m e . Vulnerability is a n e x p e r i e n c e all p e r s o n s h a v e , a n d sharing it o p e n l y with others at the propitious m o m e n t c a n o p e n a d o o r w a y to healing. Centerfold: A n e s s a y o n excitement. This article exemplifies Stoller's (1979) method of working with the sexually different. T h e w o m a n interviewed w a s a n exotic d a n c e r , a n a c t r e s s for pornographic film, a n d a former prostitute. Stoller d o e s not look for etiology, although s h e g i v e s hints of a childhood full of c l a s s i c s e x u a l p a i n . Instead, he listens to her story, a story that is extremely pliable. T h e centerfold fits  55 herself to w h a t e v e r script is r e q u e s t e d , b e c a u s e the script is built to fit the n e e d s of the willing customer. In other w o r d s , Stoller d e m o n s t r a t e s that the porn film or m a g a z i n e is constructed in just s u c h a w a y a s to a p p e a l to the appetite of a particular group of u s e r s . Nudity in North A m e r i c a n culture N a k e d n e s s a n d nudity b e a r a s p e c i a l p l a c e in a n y d i s c u s s i o n of s e x u a l health a n d illness.  N a k e d n e s s in western culture is often t a k e n a s a sign of vulnerability.  Nudity o n the other h a n d h a s b e c o m e a hallmark of the advertising a r e n a , e s p e c i a l l y w h e r e w o m e n are c o n c e r n e d . It is a m e a n s of portraying a n object for s a l e , s o m e t i m e s e v e n p e r s o n s . A n d at the s a m e time, salient w e s t e r n culture in North A m e r i c a h a s a s s o c i a t e d n a k e d n e s s - n u d i t y with overt sexuality. That is, for m a n y p e r s o n s - m a l e or f e m a l e - t h e sight of a n a k e d h u m a n is s e x u a l l y a r o u s i n g . A p s y c h o d y n a m i c oriented article in American  Imago by S e y m o u r H o w a r d  (1987) m a k e s significant points about the positive a n d negative u s e s of the b o d y in a d v e r t i s e m e n t s . H e s u m m a r i z e s thus: " F o r millennia, guilt a n d d o g m a a s s o c i a t i n g the b o d y with libidinous appetites a n d investing it with sin (perceiving it a s sullied by earthly, Biblical knowing before the Fall) have c o e x i s t e d in mutual arising with romantic a n d still-living notions of n a k e d n e s s a s the first, g o d - g i v e n s t a t e - o n e of purity i n n o c e n c e a n d natural p o t e n c y - a potentiality d e m e a n e d by k n o w l e d g e , culture a n d artifice." (1987, p. 287) H o w a r d a l s o points to differences b e t w e e n n a k e d n e s s a n d nudity, using nudity a s a word describing c o v e r i n g s that d o not really c o v e r .  56 T h e y are clearly not the s a m e w o r d : "Surely nudity, a s distinguished from n a k e d n e s s , is our most subtle a n d sophisticated sort of clothing or covering for the genitalia" (p. 292). T h i s situation h a s a major impact o n the world of m e n ' s s e x u a l addiction a n d recovery.  S o m e of t h e s e effects are brought out in the following reviews of journal  .  articles c o n c e r n e d with a s p e c t s of nudity. F a c t o r s a s s o c i a t e d with more positive body self c o n c e p t s in p r e s c h o o l children. T h i s 1979 article by Marilyn Story d o e s not e v e n d a r e to mention in its title that the two g r o u p s in the study are nudists a n d non-nudists. A w i d e range of v a r i a b l e s w a s tested by m e a n s of interviewer rating s c o r e s . Nudist classification of the children's family w a s found to be the most significant variable: non-nudist children s c o r e d significantly lower than nudists in positive body self c o n c e p t . Story notes that body self c o n c e p t w a s consistently s h o w n to be a major c o m p o n e n t of overall self c o n c e p t in studies prior to hers. N o definition of "body self c o n c e p t " w a s offered however. C o m p a r i s o n s of body self-concept b e t w e e n s o c i a l nudists a n d non-nudists. T h i s story a l s o by Marilyn Story in 1984 c a n n o w proclaim nudity in the title."  There  must be s o m e t h i n g significant in this c h a n g e of editorial attitude. D o w e h a v e a c a s e similar to that reported by R o s e g r a n t (1986) in reference to P l a y b o y editorial p o l i c y ? T h i s is obviously a n e x p a n s i o n of the previous study, relating n o w to adults rather than children. T h e study group is c l o s e to a t h o u s a n d p e r s o n s , w h i c h is ten times the s i z e of the earlier work.  57 T h e significant item in this study is found in the c o n c l u s i o n s : "This study found that b o d y self-concept ratings a n d r e a s o n s for those ratings varied more a c c o r d i n g to nudity classification than a c c o r d i n g to traditional s e x differences. T h e b o d y selfc o n c e p t ratings of s o c i a l nudists w e r e higher than t h o s e of non-nudists a n d w e r e b a s e d more o n effectiveness counterparts."  and holistic thinking than those of their  non-nudist  (p. 1 1 1 , e m p h a s i s a d d e d )  B o d y c a t h e x i s a n d clothed body cathexis: Is there a difference? T h i s 1 9 9 0 study by M a r k e e , C a r e y a n d P e d e r s e n w a s applied to a small group of w o m e n b e t w e e n the a g e s of 2 5 a n d 4 5 . Despite its s i z e limitation a n d its p s y c h o d y n a m i c e m p h a s i s this study supports the previous two in a b a c k - h a n d e d w a y . T h e w o m e n w e r e found to be significantly more satisfied with their clothed body than their n a k e d body. T h e "present results imply that clothing is not merely a b o d y c o v e r i n g . Clothing m a y create, while it is w o r n , a n e w a n d better perception of the body." (p. 1243) T h i s is in reality a marketing study s i n c e "individuals will u s e clothing, p a d d i n g , corsetry, c a m o u f l a g e t e c h n i q u e s , c o s m e t i c s a n d other m e a n s to c o n f o r m to the current s t a n d a r d s of beauty".  T h e w o m e n in this study affirm the f e m a l e p r e f e r e n c e  for attractiveness found in non-nudist w o m e n of Story (1984). Nudity in J a p a n e s e visual m e d i a : A c r o s s cultural o b s e r v a t i o n . In D o w n s (1990), w e find a s s e r t i o n s that the J a p a n e s e h a v e a n e a s y - g o i n g attitude t o w a r d s nudity, erotica a n d pornography. H e offers no definitions of t h e s e terms. H e a l s o states that sexuality a n d nudity w e r e not correlative with e a c h other, a s they s e e m to  58 be in w e s t e r n culture. T h e "opening of J a p a n " a century a n d a half a g o by A n g l o A m e r i c a n entrepreneurs c h a n g e d all that, however. J a p a n e s e l e a d e r s , being cautious not to offend their E u r o p e a n visitors, a b s o r b e d s o m e of their cultural altitudes. M o d e r n J a p a n e s e culture d i s p l a y s a mix of W e s t e r n a n d J a p a n e s e attitudes. W h e t h e r totally accurate or not, this article certainly indicates the i n f l u e n c e - p r o b a b l y n e g a t i v e - o f W e s t upon E a s t . C o r e Issues in Healing A primary question in a n y a p p r o a c h to s e x u a l treatment is the e s t a b l i s h m e n t of s o m e n o r m s of behaviour. It s e e m s well d o c u m e n t e d that the definition of sexuality, the limits of s e x u a l behaviour, a n d the production of erotic materials are all artifacts of cultural d e v e l o p m e n t . W e s t e r n culture h a s created broadly s p a c e d c a t e g o r i e s of g o o d s e x a n d bad s e x . M a n y major r e s e a r c h e r s in the healing of c o m p u l s i v e s e x u a l behaviour a c k n o w l e d g e this cultural interface, but few h a v e offered c o n c r e t e strategies to adjust s e x u a l b e h a v i o u r s in its light ( C o l e m a n , 1 9 9 1 , p. 4 3 ; M o n e y , 1986; C a r n e s , 1991). S e c o n d l y , the categorization of s e x u a l s i c k n e s s is far less important to the individual's recovery than the detailed, client-centred return to health offered by a multi-dimensional a p p r o a c h ( S z a s z , 1980; Stoller, 1986; C a r n e s , 1989). A third c o n c e r n is the n e e d to tailor healing t e c h n i q u e s to the unique n e e d s of the individual client. T h e narrative therapy a p p r o a c h (e.g., Stoller, 1 9 8 5 , 1 9 7 5 / 1 9 8 6 , 1991) will deliver the client's story, but the therapist must be very skilled to provide a  59 tailored program of healing. S o m e s e e group activities a s a key in this a r e a , allowing m a n y clients to work together in a cooperative setting g u i d e d by o n e or two therapists (Dwyer, 1990; Griffin-Shelley, 1993). A fourth c o n c e r n is to be a w a r e of other actual or p o s s i b l e addictions w h i c h m a y m a s k the real pains of the individual. A l c o h o l , drugs a n d other addictive b e h a v i o u r s are often found in combination with s e x addiction. C a r n e s ( 1 9 9 1 , p. 35) reports 8 3 % of his clients to be multiply a d d i c t e d . If the low level pains a n d p r o b l e m s are u n a d d r e s s e d , then the c y c l e of addiction h a s a strong c h a n c e of restarting ( C a r n e s , 1 9 9 1 ; E v a n s & S u l l i v a n , 1990, c h a p s . 1 & 9; P e n n e r & P e n n e r , 1990)  CHAPTER THREE. METHOD  ...freedom c a n live only w h e n life is constantly e x a m i n e d a n d w h e r e there are no c e n s o r s to tell m e n how far their investigations c a n go.  Human  life lives iii this p a r a d o x a n d o n the horns of this d i l e m m a . E x a m i n a t i o n is life, a n d examination is d e a t h . It is both a n d it is the tension b e t w e e n . ( A n d e r s o n , 1951 in M a y , 1 9 6 7 , p. 1)  T h i s t h e s i s is a narrative or "story telling" study of the lived e x p e r i e n c e of three m e n a s they struggle in very personal w a y s with their c o m p u l s i v e sexuality. T h e stories are elicited from three m e n w h o volunteered to m a k e their life e x p e r i e n c e s available to others. Informal r e s e a r c h q u e s t i o n s w e r e u s e d to direct the collection of information a s I gathered their life stories. T h e narratives w e r e rendered into structured a c c o u n t s in order to clarify the m e a n i n g s c o n t a i n e d in t h e m . T h e s e a c c o u n t s w e r e then a s s e s s e d for commonalities running through e a c h of the stories.  A narrative study is essentially hermeneutic (Polkinghorne, 1988), a n d a h e r m e n e u t i c p r o c e s s is experiential a n d d e v e l o p m e n t a l (Dilthey, 1962). A s f e w a s s u m p t i o n s a s p o s s i b l e are m a d e in the beginning, leaving room for the m e n ' s  61 stories to d r a w t h e m s e l v e s out without applying p r e c o n c e i v e d patterns. T h i s is a c c o m p l i s h e d in a paradoxical f a s h i o n : by b e c o m i n g a s familiar a s p o s s i b l e , i m m e r s e d , in the literature of sexuality. B r o a d k n o w l e d g e a n d a n u n d e r s t a n d i n g of the m a n y m e a n i n g s laid upon sexuality in W e s t e r n culture, helps m e a s the investigator to s e p a r a t e my patterns of m e a n i n g from the participant's. Design Participants T h e s a m p l e of this study w a s three individuals drawn selectively from a larger group of individuals w h o a c k n o w l e d g e that they are troubled by c o m p u l s i v e s e x u a l b e h a v i o u r s a n d the problems w h i c h that e n g e n d e r s .  T h e r e w e r e four  criteria applied to selection individuals for this study. First they h a d to be volunteers. S e c o n d , only volunteers w h o had a n active a n d s u c c e s s f u l relationship with a therapist w e r e interviewed. T h i s provides the participant with appropriate r e s o u r c e s for dealing with disturbing material which m a y be revealed in the c o u r s e of a n interview. Third, e a c h m a n had to be verbally acute. Lastly, e a c h m a n h a d to be e x p e r i e n c i n g s o m e times of recovery from his self-proclaimed s e x u a l p r o b l e m s . T w o of the individuals s e l e c t e d w e r e ministers of m a n y y e a r s e x p e r i e n c e . T h e third h a d e x p e r i e n c e a s a c o u n s e l l o r a n d technologist. E a c h m a n h a d in his past c o n s i d e r a b l e history of verbal a n d written s e l f - e x p r e s s i o n . All three w e r e or h a d b e e n m e m b e r s of at least o n e twelve-step group d e v o t e d to recovery from  62 s e x u a l addictions. In the interest of anonymity, p s e u d o n y m s are u s e d throughout the text for the individuals a n d for a n y identifying p l a c e n a m e s . Potential volunteers w e r e notified of the study by a limited edition flyer p o s t e d with t h e s e recovery groups. A formal a g r e e m e n t w a s s i g n e d by the participants w h o volunteered a n d w e r e s e l e c t e d . S a m p l e s of t h e s e d o c u m e n t s are included in A p p e n d i x B. Interview P r o c e s s T h e p r o c e s s u s e d to elicit the portion of participant's life history w h i c h relates to addiction a n d recovery involved the following s t e p s : creation of a simple interview script, the actual interviews with the participants, transcription of the interviews, a n d repetitive reviews with the participants to clarify details a n d e n s u r e a c c u r a c y of transcription.  All interviews w e r e audio t a p e d .  In the first step a b a s i c script w a s created a n d followed in e a c h set of interviews. T h e outline of this script is s h o w n in A p p e n d i x C , a l o n g with a detailed outline of the interview p r o c e s s . T h e initial portion of e a c h interview oriented the participant to the task at h a n d , w h e t h e r telling the story of his addictive history, his recovery history or of eliciting further specific details. T h e r e s e a r c h e r u s e d active listening t e c h n i q u e s in e a c h of t h e s e interviews to k e e p the participant o n track.  T h e initial interview w a s  o n e a n d one-half to two hours in length. Follow-up interviews w e r e of shorter duration, but varied in length.  6 3  T h e t a p e d interviews w e r e then transcribed for rendering a n d a n a l y s i s . I c h o s e to d o the physical transcription myself, for r e a s o n s of confidentiality, a n d connectivity. T h e physical transcription of interviews e x t e n d s the intimacy of the interview itself, in s u c h a w a y a s to m a k e my o w n perceptions of the w o r d s a n d the text more o b v i o u s . T h i s is a valuable a n d intuitively a c c u r a t e w a y to s h a r e understanding with the participant. Formation of addiction / recovery narrative T h e understanding g a i n e d of the individual a n d his life history through the collection p r o c e s s w a s then u s e d to build the narrative of his struggles with addiction. Quotations w e r e u s e d w h e r e v e r p o s s i b l e to preserve the m e a n i n g of the participant. T h e initial selection of key events w a s d o n e by the r e s e a r c h e r , but w a s a l w a y s reviewed with the participant for confirmation. D i s c r e p a n c i e s w e r e e v a l u a t e d jointly. T h e joint d i s c o v e r y p r o c e s s eliminated most r e s e a r c h e r bias in this event s e l e c t i o n . T h e narratives gathered from the participants w e r e then s u m m a r i z e d a n d c o m m e n t e d upon at length. A n a l y s i s of the addiction / recovery narrative A n a l y s i s of m e a n i n g requires the fullest p o s s i b l e k n o w l e d g e of the individual's p e r s o n a l history. T h i s is found in the story form of the participant's history, a s a rich text narrative. It is c o m p o s e d of m a n y detailed situations a n d the minutia of life ( C o c h r a n , 1988, c h a p . 1), all being provided through the r e c o r d e d  interviews. A n d it is t h e s e details w h i c h will s h o w the s t e p s individually t a k e n to r e c o v e r from addiction. T h e g o a l of this study is therefore a n understanding of m e n . A h e r m e n e u t i c a n a l y s i s is o n e w a y of producing this understanding. It m a k e s no p r e t e n s e of objectivity in r e s e a r c h e r , participant or the understandings u n c o v e r e d b e t w e e n u s . T h e s e are all imperfect; that is, they m a y contain unquantifiable errors, levels of the u n k n o w n , simple mistakes. P o l k i n g h o r n e (1983, p. 210) quotes a method outlined by Giorgi in 1974 at the D u q u e s n e S c h o o l of P h e n o m e n o l o g i c a l P s y c h o l o g y w h i c h I h a v e u s e d a s a m o d e l for this a n a l y s i s . T h e s t e p s u s e d for a n a l y s i s are listed below, a n d p r e f a c e d here with a few c o m m e n t s o n my c h a n g e s . T h r o u g h o u t the re-formed method I h a v e c h o s e n to u s e 'participant' w h e r e the original text of Giorgi u s e s ' s u b j e c t ' . G e o r g i ' s original s e c o n d step includes the w o r d s "with respect to the p h e n o m e n o l o g i c a l l y i n t e n t i o n a l d i s c o v e r i n g of the e x p e r i e n c e " . I take 'intentional d i s c o v e r i n g ' to m e a n deliberate acts o n the part of the r e s e a r c h e r to u n c o v e r m e a n i n g . I prefer the word 'uncover' b e c a u s e it e m p h a s i s e s the equality b e t w e e n the r e s e a r c h e r a n d the participant, a n d a v o i d s the claim of d i s c o v e r y w h i c h objectifies the participant. It a l s o implies that there is or w a s s o m e a b s o l u t e reality to be found in the investigation. It implies that this reality is u n k n o w n to the participant, but c a n be d i s c o v e r e d by the scientist-researcher.  6 5  ' P h e n o m e n o l o g i c a l l y ' implies that the p r o c e s s takes p l a c e in the realm of h u m a n action. T h e study p h e n o m e n a are the recollections of the participant of his previous e x p e r i e n c e , a s they are d e s c r i b e d by him in l a n g u a g e . T h e p r o c e s s e s of m e m o r y a n d recall are a l s o participant p h e n o m e n a . T a p e recordings of the interviews capture-the l a n g u a g e interchanges between the participant a n d the r e s e a r c h e r a s w e (mostly the participant) d i s c u s s the p h e n o m e n a . I h a v e c h o s e n the word 'events' to e n c o m p a s s this c o m p l e x of p h e n o m e n a . ' T h e e x p e r i e n c e ' is the p h e n o m e n a of re-presenting various actions, e v e n t s a n d h a p p e n i n g s of the participant's journey toward recovery a n d a more personally appropriate style of life. S t e p four of Giorgi's original s a y s "the r e s e a r c h e r transforms e a c h unit, w h e n relevant, into the l a n g u a g e of p s y c h o l o g i c a l s c i e n c e " . It is important that the description remain clearly the product of the participant, in l a n g u a g e easily a c c e s s i b l e to him. Therefore, the l a n g u a g e of p s y c h o l o g i c a l s c i e n c e h a s b e e n minimized. T h e "unit of m e a n i n g " in this study is events found in the narratives w h i c h provide a n understanding of the p r o c e s s e s of addiction a n d / or recovery. T h e primary instrument of analysis in this method is the r e s e a r c h e r . T h e r e s e a r c h e r h a s the ability to reflect upon m e a n i n g , he h a s a p e r s o n a l g r a s p of the c o m m o n l a n g u a g e u s e d in the study, and is able to c o m m u n i c a t e s h a r e d a n d unique m e a n i n g s with e a c h participant. H e further must h a v e a n ability to o b s e r v e  66 similarity a n d difference of m e a n i n g s with respect to c o m m o n definitions; to note p o s s i b l e c h a n g e s of m e a n i n g in w o r d s a n d p h r a s e s ; a n d to detect s p e c i a l , p e r s o n a l m e a n i n g s u s e d by e a c h participant. With t h e s e c o m m e n t s in mind, my p r o c e s s for uncovering the story of recovery a n d understanding e a c h participant's related m e a n i n g s is a s follows: 1.  R e a d the entire description, a s p r o d u c e d by the participant - r e s e a r c h e r interviews. (This first reading is almost c a s u a l , setting the t o n e s of time, place a n d feeling.)  2.  R e r e a d the description more slowly a n d thoughtfully. Deliberately look for a n d note apparent a w a r e n e s s of p e r s o n a l m e a n i n g with respect to the e v e n t s of recovery. (This step w a s a i d e d by constructing a time line of e v e n t s , reviewing it with the participant.  It w a s then u s e d to glue m e a n i n g s  a n d significant e v e n t s together into a story-transcript.) 3.  R e s h a p e the participant's statements of m e a n i n g : a . Eliminate r e d u n d a n c i e s in the statements; b. Clarify a n d elaborate a n essentially u n c h a n g e d v e r s i o n of t h e s e u n d e r s t a n d i n g s , relating them to e a c h other a n d to the s u p p o s e d m e a n i n g of the w h o l e . (This w a s called the 'recovery gestalt' in the original P h e n o m e n o l o g i c a l method a n d is here simply called 'the story of recovery'.)  67 4.  Reflect u p o n the m e a n i n g of the recovery story, w h i c h should still be "in the c o n c r e t e l a n g u a g e of the [participant]".  T h e o u t c o m e of this reflection is a n  e s s e n t i a l description of e a c h unit of m e a n i n g a s a c o m p o n e n t of the overall p h e n o m e n a of the participant. (The unit of m e a n i n g is the s t a g e or p h a s e of recovery w h e r e the participant exists at this point in the story.) 5.  T h e r e s e a r c h e r then Integrates a n d s y n t h e s i s e s the insights r e c e i v e d from the participant into a consistent description of the recovery story of this participant:  6.  T h e final step, w h i c h w a s not listed a s part of Giorgi's m e t h o d , is to c o m p a r e a n d d i s c u s s the c o m m o n a l i t i e s w h i c h m a y be present in the three participant's recovery stories. Validation of the received Narratives Validity in the narrative p r o c e s s is protected by two s t e p s : reviews with the  participants a n d by a w a r e n e s s of the r e s e a r c h e r ' s p e r s o n a l v a l u e s . F o r this p u r p o s e , the written d o c u m e n t s w e r e returned to the participants for verification a n d correction. Further meetings w e r e s c h e d u l e d with e a c h participant to review all details a n d insure that m e a n i n g s u n c o v e r e d w e r e the participant's o w n . A n understanding of the p e r s o n a l v a l u e s of the r e s e a r c h e r w a s n e c e s s a r y throughout the a n a l y s i s p r o c e s s to provide further validity. T h i s is the s e c o n d level of i n s u r a n c e that the m e a n i n g s u n c o v e r e d are strictly the participant's o w n . M y  68 o w n u n d e r s t a n d i n g s of v a l u e s , valuation a n d their relation to this r e s e a r c h is p r e s e n t e d in A p p e n d i x A 1 .  69 C H A P T E R FOUR. R E S U L T S : STORIES O F S U C C E S S F U L R E C O V E R Y C h a p t e r four is d e v o t e d to the results of this study. It is o r g a n i z e d by participant. T h e narratives give the reader a n opportunity to s e e the g e n e r a l life story a n d lifestyle of e a c h m a n . T h e t h e m e s a n d i s s u e s w h i c h pattern through their lives will then be d r a w n out in c o m m e n t s following e a c h narrative. T h e s e will be s e e n a s similar in m a n y p l a c e s , a n d the c o m m o n patterns in the narratives will b e p r e s e n t e d in the d i s c u s s i o n chapter. Narrative Biography of Participant " B o b " B o b w a s born in Central C a n a d a during the early 1940's. It w a s w a r time, s o father w a s a w a y in G e r m a n y , with a C a n a d i a n A r m y m e d i c a l unit. B o b a n d his mother lived in a small but comfortable apartment in a large E a s t e r n C a n a d i a n city. H e generally recollects a s e n s e of g o o d times a n d h a p p y feelings during this period. A l t h o u g h this w a s a long time a g o , the recollections are strong a n d full of sense impressions. His first recollection is of his mother arguing with the landlord at the d o o r of their apartment. P e r h a p s the s o u r c e of the argument w a s s o m e t h i n g to d o with B o b , w h o a s a little child w a s very b o u n c y a n d energetic. A p p a r e n t l y , the downstairs neighbours did not like the noise. H e r e m e m b e r s fear, a n d the anxiety f o c u s s e d in his mother w h o w a s having to d e a l with troubling, uncomfortable feelings. T h e w h o l e s c e n e is recollected "through the h e m of mother's skirts".  70 His mother w a s the y o u n g e s t of eight children, a l s o from E a s t e r n C a n a d a . W h e n her mother died s h e b e c a m e the h o u s e k e e p e r for her father a n d brothers. B o b w o n d e r s if s h e w a s a l s o required to s e r v e t h e m in more overtly s e x u a l w a y s . A n y w a y , s h e c a m e out of her childhood d e e p l y committed to a c a l m h o u s e h o l d , a n d to order at all cost. A d v e n t of Polio: A g e seven-eight. T h r o u g h turns of fate a n d the m o v e m e n t s of the C a n a d i a n military establishment, B o b a n d his family e n d e d up in a large west c o a s t city, w h e r e father took a position of importance at a rapidly growing hospital.  T h e family settled into  regular late nineteen-forties patterns until B o b contracted polio at about the a g e of eight. B o b w a s the only p e r s o n in his neighbourhood to be affected by the polio e p i d e m i c . His parents a w a r e n e s s of B o b ' s condition d a w n e d most dramatically. His s e c o n d recollection, a l s o very vivid, centres around this traumatic event. B o b is part w a y up the stairs o n the w a y to b e d . His father is very angry that he is fooling around a n d not being properly obedient. But B o b is u n a b l e to m o v e ; not just tired, or stubborn, but really unable. H e is frightened, c o n f u s e d a n d u p s e t by his father's a n g e r a n d threats, to w h i c h he simply cannot r e s p o n d . T h i s vivid m e m o r y is the first of m a n y recollections of B o b ' s early e n c o u n t e r s with polio. H e m o v e s o n to d e s c r i b e in great detail the situation at the hospital to w h i c h he w a s t a k e n . T h e r e w e r e "many" other children in the w a r d w h i c h he o c c u p i e d . T h e y w e r e all classified a s patients with a d a n g e r o u s a n d very  71 c o n t a g i o u s d i s e a s e , about which very little w a s then k n o w n . T h e r e w a s o n e b o y in a n iron lung at the far e n d of the w a r d . That great, dark iron m a c h i n e dominated the room. Y e t at the s a m e time, the w a r d w a s very childlike. It w a s bright with a s m u c h sunlight a s a hospital r o o m could get. It w a s painted colours b e y o n d the usual hospital g r e e n . It w a s a s c h e e r y a s c o u l d be m a d e in a hospital. T h e nursing a n d m e d i c a l s t a f f w e r e cheerful a n d friendly. All kinds of s p e c i a l efforts w e r e m a d e to bring a s m u c h of the children's "regular worlds of h o m e a n d s c h o o l " into the hospital.  Special days  w e r e r e m e m b e r e d with c a r e : birthday c a r d s from c l a s s m a t e s , s p e c i a l s o n g s o n the radio from " H a p p y D o g D i n g o ' s " children's program, a n d rare visits from parents. T h e c o m r a d e r y of the daytime, d i s a p p e a r e d with the c o m i n g of night in the hospital. T h e d a r k e n e d , but not blankly black, ward b e c a m e full of s h a d o w s a n d fears. With n o n e of the h a p p i n e s s of the daytime staff a n d daytime light to c h a s e t h e m a w a y , nighttime w a s feartime; not unlike "normal c h i l d h o o d " but p e r h a p s m u c h more strong a n d m e m o r a b l e . T h e indefiniteness, the u n k i n d n e s s , the unfairness of it all s a n k into chiid-brains over the night w h e n few other distractions w e r e available. T h i s w a s the time a n d place at w h i c h B o b d i s c o v e r e d his penis, a n d the soothing properties of his b o y i s h a p p e n d a g e .  B o b noted with h u m o u r that his  penis a n d right a r m w e r e just about the only things he could m o v e . H e instantly l e a r n e d h o w to masturbate, a n d to enjoy the feelings a n d imaginings a s long a s  72 p o s s i b l e through the night. It often s o o t h e d him to s l e e p . At the s a m e time, he h a d s o m e v a g u e s e n s e that he shouldn't talk about it. H e w a s not s u r e "if it w a s b a d or anything, but heck. If I told s o m e o n e (big), they might tell m e to stop!". H e w o n d e r e d if the other kids did the s a m e thing. B o b ' s father s e e m s to have a l w a y s harboured s o m e guilt that it w a s he w h o s o m e h o w brought the d i s e a s e h o m e from his hospital to infect his s o n . B o b learned of this from his mother, m u c h later in his life. B o b ' s father h a s yet to d i s c u s s this with his s o n . The Family Atmosphere. Sexuality w a s never s p o k e n about in B o b ' s h o m e , s o it is not surprising that B o b w a s u n a w a r e at first of what masturbation w a s , a n d whether others p l a y e d a s he did.  In fact, B o b d e s c r i b e s the family a t m o s p h e r e a s a s e x u a l . H e simply  "cannot imagine his father doing it." His father e v e n refrained from participation in the usual s e x u a l banter of male doctors. F a t h e r a n d his p h y s i c i a n friends w o u l d h a v e h o u s e parties n o w a n d then. W h e n B o b w a s a y o u n g m a n , he w a s a b l e to note his father's disgust a n d d i s p l e a s u r e at s u c h r e f e r e n c e s . T h e family w a s neither religious nor un-religious. B o b ' s parents w e r e nominally Methodist, but lived more a n agnostic life.  T h e y regularly sent the  children to S u n d a y s c h o o l , but religion w a s not a topic of h o u s e h o l d c o n v e r s a t i o n either. N o r w e r e the family rules unduly strict in a n y s e n s e . T h e r e simply w a s no  73 s e x e d u c a t i o n at h o m e . T h e r e w a s a l s o very little in s c h o o l in the fifty's. S o the topic w a s left to the c h u r c h , in the form of S u n d a y s c h o o l . M o r e o n this later. T h e y e a r s of s c h o o l B o b returned to s c h o o l after about a y e a r in hospital. T h o u g h he h a d lost a y e a r of s c h o o l , he w a s kept in the s a m e g r a d e a n d group of children. T h e s e kids h a d b e e n e s p e c i a l l y mindful of him while h e w a s a w a y . H e w a s the o n l y child in his s c h o o l to h a v e contracted polio. During g r a m m a r s c h o o l he p r o g r e s s e d from crutches to s i m p l e leg b r a c e s . T h r o u g h a lot of therapy he regained the u s e of most of his p h y s i c a l faculties. But h e c o n t i n u e s to walk with a limp a n d h a s s e v e r e b a c k p r o b l e m s from s c o l i o s i s . A n u m b e r of s c h o o l - b o y friends b e c a m e his protectors. S o m e t i m e s this w a s p e r c e i v e d a s friendship, s o m e t i m e s a s a n unwanted glob of charity. T h e b o y s m a d e sure no o n e picked o n B o b . A n d that he w a s a l w a y s c h o s e n for group activities, e v e n if often last. T h i s period h a s had its lasting effects a l s o . B o b w a s u n a b l e to join in b o y i s h rough a n d tumble g a m e s a n d play; or he w a s simply a b s e n t w h e n "his group of b o y s w e r e doing their male-bonding-thing in mid-grammar s c h o o l " .  He became .  the outsider, the p e r s o n to be treated with Christian Charity. H e w a s u n a b l e to participate in a n y sports activities.  But he realized very early that he w a s bright,  that he w a s not affected mentally by his d i s e a s e , a n d that he would m a k e his mark  74 through intellectual a c h i e v e m e n t .  H e literally c h a r g e d through g r a m m a r s c h o o l  a n d junior high a s o n e of the top students. Frequently he w a s the top student. T h e s a m e group of kids m o v e d o n to h i g h s c h o o l . B o b still had his protectors, but it did not extend to dating activities. H e w a s invited to the u s u a l set of h o u s e parties, a n d did s o m e h e a v y petting a n d kissing, but he " u n c o n s c i o u s l y s e e m e d to m i s s the other activities the kids w e r e playing at". Afterwards, friends w o u l d a s k him what he thought of S u s i e a n d Bill's playing a r o u n d a n d he w o u l d usually r e s p o n d with "what'd y a m e a n ? " . A r o u n d the a g e of 12 or 13 he d i s c o v e r e d his first m e n ' s m a g a z i n e s in the barber s h o p . H e b e c a m e very adept at snitching t h e m from the s h o p , a n d e v e n stealing a f e w from drug stores. T h i s hidden s u p p l y of f e m a l e pulchritude b e c a m e the stuff of his fantasy creations. T h e girl-images from the p o r n o g r a p h y w e r e mixed with m e m o r y i m a g e s of real girls from his other realities. T h e s e f a n t a s y i m a g e s w e r e m u c h e a s i e r to manipulate to his d e s i r e s than w e r e real girlc l a s s m a t e s . Masturbation a n d fantasy w a s more a n d more b e c o m i n g his preferred s e x u a l activity: "the fantasy life set in quite clearly at this time". H e a l s o b e g a n to feel significant s h a m e around his s e x u a l activities. B o b a l s o w a s suffering greatly from his visible disability. His s e l f - i m a g e w a s very low. S h a m e d e v e l o p e d around his physical p e r s o n , his i m a g e of his o w n i m a g e , a n d his lack of ability to be "one of the boys". A n d h u n g e r for c o m p a n i o n s h i p a l s o c a m e a n d grew; it manifested itself a s a n extreme s e n s e of  7 5  l o n e l i n e s s , a l o n e n e s s a n d difference. His e x c e l l e n c e at a c a d e m i c s did a bit to a s s u a g e s o m e of t h e s e pains, but not e n o u g h . H e continued to s p e n d more time, sink d e e p e r into, a n d slip more a n d more into fantasy filled isolation a n d internal introversion.  F a n t a s y a n d masturbation continued to be his r e l e a s e a n d s a f e  h a v e n from all this externally a n d internally i m p o s e d pain. T h e first thing B o b r e m e m b e r e d about college w a s of a s e x u a l - r o m a n t i c nature. In third y e a r s u m m e r , at a c h u r c h youth c a m p , he b e c a m e a c q u a i n t e d with the girl of his d r e a m s - l i t e r a l l y . It s e e m s , this y o u n g w o m a n ideally m a t c h e d the fantasy w o m a n w h i c h B o b had b e e n constructing in his internal world for s o m e time. Y e t , the c l o s e r he c a m e to the real thing, the real w a r m soft f l e s h , the s h y e r a n d more stumblingly reticent he b e c a m e , or felt that he b e c a m e . T h i s w a s not l e s s e n e d by the a w a r e n e s s that this y o u n g w o m a n w a s in the fast lane; s h e w a s quite interested in B o b , a n d very willing to play. After all, it w a s the sixties. T h e y played to the v e r g e of intercourse, but he stopped there. F o r s o m e r e a s o n , " p e r h a p s the religious thing", B o b had to s a v e this final intimacy for marriage. But this only m a d e his pains w o r s e , a n d his urge to run a w a y from her stronger. It w a s a l s o in college that B o b b e c a m e very interested in p h i l o s o p h y a n d religion. His parents w e r e hinting quietly but directly that he s h o u l d follow in his father's footsteps a n d b e c o m e a p h y s i c i a n . B o b w a n t e d n o n e of this. H e r e a s o n e d that the best w a y to avoid that fate, w a s to select another c a r e e r w h i c h his parents couldn't a r g u e with. S o he a n n o u n c e d in mid- college that he w a s very interested  7 6  in theology, a n d that "he w a s feeling a call from G o d to b e c o m e a n o r d a i n e d minister". T h e first part w a s true, but to this d a y B o b is not sure about the s e c o n d , e v e n though he is still a n active, c o n s c i e n t i o u s , a n d w e l l - r e s p e c t e d minister. A s e c o n d very intense physical relationship occurred during B o b ' s s e c o n d y e a r at s e m i n a r y . But a g a i n , he c h o s e to refrain from i n t e r c o u r s e : " t h o u g h all other forms of p h y s i c a l a n d fantastical play a n d i m a g e s w e r e fair g a m e " . T h i s relationship died a natural death o v e r the next s u m m e r , a s B o b a n d his girl-friend m o v e d o n to far apart internships.  W h e n they returned after the s u m m e r , the fires  w e r e stilled: they had b e c o m e "just friends". B e g i n n i n g to work in the world. B o b g r a d u a t e d , a n d w a s p l a c e d a s a n e w minister in a very rural setting, far a w a y from anything familiar to him. H e w a s in a city of a few t h o u s a n d s instead of m a n y , m a n y t h o u s a n d s . H e w a s surrounded by wide o p e n s p a c e s rather than buildings a n d trees. H e w a s there to s e r v e a rural, s p r e a d out c o n g r e g a t i o n . H e felt great n e e d s : of loneliness, loss a n d c o n f u s i o n . H e quickly f o u n d , w o o e d a n d married a n e q u a l l y n e e d y y o u n g w o m a n . Finally there w e r e no s e x u a l reservations: but, a s he puts it "this first e x p e r i e n c e of intercourse, a n d the w h o l e relationship, w a s sort o f ' h o hum'". B y this time B o b w a s a l s o a confirmed alcoholic, a s w a s his first wife. A n d he w a s solidly e s t a b l i s h e d in masturbation a n d the u s e of pornography to fuel it with imagery. N o w " b o o z e m a y be e a s y to find in the rural prairies a n d be a l m o s t  a c c e p t a b l e , but pornography is neither". It t a k e s s o m e talent to find. T h i s is w h e r e the addiction s h o w s its ugly h e a d . B o b s o o n d i s c o v e r e d that a s a rural minister, he w a s e x p e c t e d to visit his outlying congregation o n a regular b a s i s ; in fact, "he g a i n e d a wonderful reputation a s a pastoral pastor" for all his visiting. But no o n e n e w that he a l s o m a d e time to visit the nearest town with a n a d e q u a t e collection of porn s h o p s : this w a s a five hour round trip a w a y . A n d he m a d e this regularly, stocking up o n m a g a z i n e s w h i c h would feed his n e e d for n e w i m a g e s of the proper kind to fuel his fantasy masturbation habit. T h e proper kind for B o b ' s fantasies w a s a solitary y o u n g w o m a n , n a k e d , big b r e a s t e d , d i s p l a y e d in a variety of p o s e s from w h i c h he could construct her entire p h y s i c a l i m a g e . H e would s c a n his s t a s h of m a g a z i n e s , gather up his i m a g e s , a n d then burn the originals. F r o m t h e s e singular n a k e d w o m e n , he c o u l d then construct w h a t e v e r p e r s o n a l fantasy story he c h o s e for his masturbation e p i s o d e s . T h e s e w e r e daily h a p p e n i n g s . A n d mixed with h e a v y drinking, to the point w h e r e he s a y s that: "he floated out of that marriage after s e v e n y e a r s o n a s e a of b o o z e " .  Seven  y e a r s that he h a s trouble e v e n n o w reconstructing in a n y detail. T h r o u g h o u t this entire period, B o b w a s a l s o a hard working minister, a very articulate theologian a n d preacher.  A l t h o u g h he w a s a very troubled individual, he  w a s a l s o a n excellent, c o m p a s s i o n a t e y o u n g pastor. H e b e l i e v e s strongly that no o n e k n e w he w a s often drunk, no o n e k n e w of his habits c o n c e r n i n g p o r n o g r a p h y , a n d no direct harm w a s e v e r d o n e to a n y individuals under his c h a r g e . B o b a n d his  78 wife, however, suffered greatly. In later y e a r s they both resolved s o m e of their mutual pains through A A a n d counselling programs. T h e y met o n c e or twice afterward, but e a c h had by then g o n e o n to better life patterns. B o b s a y s "It w a s like two s h i p s p a s s i n g in the night". W h e n B o b left the rural prairie s c e n e , he left his first wife a s well. T h e b r e a k u p w a s quiet a n d simple. T h e y had no children. It w a s rather like "the wife had merely c o m e along with the p a r s o n a g e , like the other a p p l i a n c e s " . B o b n o w h a d the opportunity to take a larger parish in his h o m e town. But he a l s o returned to all the amenities of the big city life, including m a n y p u b s , porn s h o p s a n d strip bars. In a big city, there are usually e n o u g h of t h e s e s o that it is not too hard to remain a n o n y m o u s in almost any place y o u c h o o s e to go, e v e n to go regularly. But the s t r e s s e s felt in maintaining a n d guarding this a n o n y m o u s b e h a v i o u r rise proportionally with its u s e . G r a d u a l l y B o b ' s s e x u a l l y addictive pattern m o v e d o n from the m a g a z i n e s to the strip s c e n e almost exclusively.  B o b found a m p l e fuel  for his imaginative fantasies in the nubile y o u n g d a n c e r s o n s t a g e , "virtually in his coffee cup". B e g i n n i n g s of R e c o v e r y . O h y e s , s o m e w h e r e along the w a y here, B o b had m a d e the c h o i c e to quit drinking. H e realized that he had a serious problem with a l c o h o l a n d joined A A . H e realized that to put o n another binge the w a y he had previously d o n e w a s to court d e a t h , very quickly.  H e h a s b e e n a s u c c e s s f u l a n d s o b e r m e m b e r of A A for  79 o v e r fifteen y e a r s . A n d for ten or s o of t h o s e y e a r s B o b continued to go the strip p u b s , more a n d more regularly, a n d "drink coffee a n d s o d a (at high prices) a n d w a t c h the girls".  16  In the m e a n t i m e , B o b w a s a g a i n "serving a large metropolitan parish, d o i n g r e a s o n a b l y g o o d work, rising in respect in the c h u r c h hierarchy a n d married a g a i n " . T h i s w o m a n fit his f a n t a s y - w o m a n image m u c h more closely. Still he felt that p r e s s u r e to run; the p s y c h i c d i s t a n c e grew greater, almost in proportion a s the p h y s i c a l d i s t a n c e b e t w e e n him a n d the real thing grew less a n d l e s s . A n d of c o u r s e , the s e x u a l addiction carried o n all through the n e w marriage. It b e c a m e progressively more difficult to support a n d feed the addictive patterns; financially, energetically a n d most important, a n o n y m o u s l y . T h i s marriage too b e c a m e rocky, m u c h d u e to the d a m a g e s c a u s e d by the addiction. A n d B o b b e g a n to fear that he w a s about to m o v e into another s t a g e . H e feared that k e e p i n g his secret w a s beginning to be b e y o n d his p o w e r s . S e x A d d i c t i o n , a s with all addictions, is progressive. S o o n e r or later the a m o u n t of stimulant required to provided a satisfying hit i n c r e a s e s . T h e b o d y simply adjusts to its p l e a s u r e s : M o r e b o o z e , M o r e drugs, M o r e s e x . N o w in B o b ' s c a s e , m o r e s e x might m e a n starting to visit prostitutes, or m a s s a g e parlours, or s w i n g e r c l u b s . H e felt the draw beginning, a n d he w a s mightily frightened. It w a s hard e n o u g h to  One might want to quibble over the use of the word "girls" in this context. However, even according to modern concepts of age, most if not all of the average 'exotic dancers' are in fact girls: under, well under, the age of 21. 16  80 maintain a secret s e c o n d life in the strip p u b s now. S o he m a d e the d e c i s i o n . H e quit s m o k i n g . B o b s u c c e s s f u l l y kicked his s m o k i n g habit of m a n y d e c a d e s . A n d he swiftly realized that dropping nicotine w a s not the a n s w e r . T h e r e w a s only o n e addiction left, now. S o reluctantly, five y e a r s a g o , B o b sought out a n d joined S A A - S e x A d d i c t s A n o n y m o u s . At the s a m e time he had b e g u n to s e e a c o u n s e l l o r a b o u t marital a n d p e r s o n a l difficulties. R e b u i l d i n g life for real - the c o u r s e of recovery T h e twelve-step programs consistently hold that recovery is not a fact or event, but a p r o c e s s . B o b believes strongly in this a n d now puts his beliefs into action in daily life. B e i n g o n the v e r g e of destroying his professional life w a s only a portion of the force that drove B o b into S A A a n d the beginnings of eventual recovery.  In real  terms he w a s simply out of energy. H e could no longer k e e p up a reliably a n o n y m o u s front. L e a d i n g multiple, hidden lives w a s time c o n s u m i n g , e n e r g y c o n s u m i n g a n d a huge financial drain. After almost s e v e n y e a r s of marriage, with counselling a n d having m a d e a full c o m m i t m e n t to s e x u a l sobriety, B o b s e p a r a t e d from his s e c o n d wife. B y truly facing his addictive patterns, a n d by beginning to truly h o n o u r the h o n e s t y c o m p o n e n t of the twelve step programs, B o b w a s forced to admit in marital c o u n s e l l i n g that he w a s a n active s e x addict. H e maintains a solid a n d h a p p y  81 relationship with his stepdaughter from that relationship. A s he s a y s , "I w a s a g o o d father, just a lousy h u s b a n d " .  H e a n d his ex-wife h a v e a l s o m a n a g e d to  reconstruct s o m e of their former friendship a s well. T h e first step in B o b ' s recovery w a s to begin defining the p e r s o n a l m e a n i n g of s e x u a l sobriety. B o b had a n early realization in this a r e a : "This is a n e a s y step for the alcoholic. Y o u just give up b o o z e . Not s o for sex".  S e x u a l i t y w a s a n d is a  d e s i r e d part of his life. H e d o e s not w i s h to be a celibate m a n . In the c o u r s e of recovery B o b h a s realized that w h e n he married for the s e c o n d time, he a g a i n married his fantasy w o m a n . P e r h a p s the c h o i c e w a s m a d e in the grip of c o m p u l s i o n a s well a s attraction. But B o b b e c a m e certain that he h a d c h o s e n for only a s m a l l part of himself, not for his w h o l e self.. A s e a r c h for the f r e e d o m to c h o o s e for his w h o l e self is o n e of the key factors in B o b ' s recovery. T h i s w h o l e n e s s reflects in his n e w lifestyle. Spiritual, s e x u a l , relational, vocational a n d family c o n c e r n s are now given e q u a l weight.  Or  at least he tries. A n d the f r e e d o m to c h o o s e c o m e s from his daily struggle to u n c o v e r the p o w e r s of his addictive self. B o b h a s a d d e d what he feels is a more real spiritual d i m e n s i o n to his lifestyle. A s a minister b u s y with a n addictive life, he had no time for his o w n spiritual d e v e l o p m e n t , e v e n w h e n he helped others to do w h a t he most n e e d e d a n d w a n t e d . H e s e e s himself a s a n honest incarnation of the w o u n d e d healer. H e practises this belief in e v e r y moment.  82 B o b h a s paid high prices for h i s sobriety. But recovery h a s provided him with a c l e a r c o n s c i e n c e a n d better ability to s e e his o w n n e e d s a n d his o w n p o s s i b l e w a y through life.  It h a s m a d e him a stronger pastoral counsellor, a n d a n  h o n e s t a d v o c a t e for t h o s e in similar positions. N o w he is s e a r c h i n g to b a l a n c e his p e r s o n a l a n d c a r e e r c h o i c e s with his o w n life situation; his o w n set of n e e d s , aspirations, d e s i r e s , wants, w i s h e s , g o a l s , lusts, hungers, enjoyments, m o r a l s .  Commentary on Bob's Narrative B o b ' s very first recollection is significant. It points to the primary f o c u s w h i c h w a s the centre of his mother's lifestyle: emotional c a l m a n d logical order. E v e n a s a toddler, a g e d l e s s than two, B o b w a s a w a r e of this. Mother's huge n e e d for c a l m w a s to b e c o m e a family pattern, a driving force w h i c h ruled her a n d her children until her d e a t h . B o b h a s related this n e e d of his mother in other s e g m e n t s of his narrative. T h e drive for c a | m w a s felt most keenly by his siblings. S h e i m p o s e d this directive u p o n her grandchildren a s well. T h i s a l s o fits with the m e d i c a l c o o l n e s s a n d d i s t a n c e of B o b ' s p h y s i c i a n father. His specialty w a s a n a e s t h e s i a , by the w a y . Is this a n interesting curiosity, a pure h a p p e n s t a n c e - o r a s y m b o l i c e x p r e s s i o n of the emotional bearing w h i c h w a s a prime family pattern? T h e a d v e n t of polio forms a major turning point in B o b ' s life, a n d a major reconstructive force in his lifestyle. T h e narrative description a b o v e d o e s not d o justice to B o b ' s o w n s p o k e n w o r d s , w h i c h w e r e full of a s e n s e of p o w e r l e s s n e s s ,  83 with a s e n s e of vulnerability, a n d a s e n s e of fear. All of t h e s e feelings the s e v e n y e a r old b o y felt, but without being able to n a m e t h e m . N a m i n g powerful feelings g i v e s a p e r s o n a partial control upon t h e m . A c h i l d - w h o is without this ability by n a t u r e - i s then thrown into a traumatic, distressful situation. T h e r e w a s a certain wistfulness in the tone of B o b ' s d i s c u s s i o n s during this period. D o e s he w i s h to return there? Is he feeling s a d n e s s for the s m a l l b o y w h o m he w a s , b a c k in t h e s e troubled t i m e s ? Is he wishing life h a d b e e n other, s o that later turnings might h a v e b e e n better? AlPor n o n e of t h e s e ? Y e t , this is not a n u n u s u a l time for a boy to d i s c o v e r masturbation; it is within the d e v e l o p m e n t a l s c e n a r i o for y o u n g m a l e s .  But the combination of this normal  event with the extreme d i s s o n a n c e of a children's polio ward w a s very powerful. Masturbation almost instantly b e c a m e a major habit. W e n o w k n o w s o m e t h i n g of the drug-like p o w e r of this simple activity. It c a n explain the powerful imprinting of this combination of imagination a n d fantasy with the simple, p l e a s u r a b l e , prea d o l e s c e n t s e x act. T h i s k n o w l e d g e helps B o b to unravel s o m e of the s o u r c e s of his later addictive b e h a v i o u r s . A s a t e e n a g e r , B o b had little real control o v e r masturbation a n d his f a n t a s y life. His p h y s i c a l d e v e l o p m e n t w a s impaired by the direct a n d indirect results of the polio, m a n y of t h e m to b e c o m e very painful in later y e a r s . T h e emotional d i s t a n c e c r e a t e d by this disability s e r v e d to a c c e n t u a t e the s h y n e s s w h i c h might h a v e b e e n his by nature a n y w a y . T h e pain of s h y n e s s in older t e e n s is often e n o u g h to  84 g e n e r a t e isolation; a n d the earlier, fortuitous d i s c o v e r y of masturbation n o w b e c o m e s a strongly situated habit, o n the path to c o m p u l s i o n . After B o b quit drinking, he continued to attend strip s h o w s , a n d exotic d a n c e halls. N o w this m a y not s e e m u n u s u a l to a n y o n e w h o h a s n e v e r b e e n in s u c h a p l a c e , but it is quite a feat. A m a n would really h a v e to be truly addicted to the n a k e d d a n c e r s to ignore the squalor of the a v e r a g e d a n c e hall. M a n y m e n relate that a pint or two is required to m a k e the place c o n g e n i a l a n d a c c e p t a b l e . (Try visiting a n a v e r a g e bar in the early morning, after o p e n i n g , w h e n the lights are o n , a n d y o u will understand.) T h e strength of a n addictive lifestyle is d e m o n s t r a t e d by the situations it d r a g s the addict into. T h e stronger the addiction, the more d e h u m a n i z i n g the situations, the more incongruous the juxtapositions. O c c a s i o n a l l y at a n A A o p e n meeting o n e will h e a r the thought that A A is nothing more than a hunting ground for s e x partners (or s e x addicts). T h i s m a y point to a p o s s i b l e truth; that alcohol is only another s y m p t o m , a n out of control c o p i n g m e c h a n i s m . A s long a s the d e e p e r problems of s h a m e , of s e l f - e s t e e m a n d of depreciating o n e ' s o w n worth g o u n a d d r e s s e d , then the individual will find yet another m e c h a n i s m to c o v e r t h e m over; work, s e x , e x e r c i s e , study, religion-the list is p e r h a p s e n d l e s s . T h e r e a p p e a r s to be no simple, singular solution. A A ' s B i g B o o k m a k e s s o m e inferences in this direction a s well, in the section o n "those of pathologically d i s h o n e s t character".  85 It m a y s e e n terribly illogical, or i n s a n e to the non addict, for s o m e o n e in B o b ' s position to quit a nicotine addiction instead of a s e x u a l o n e . But it is a perfect e x a m p l e of denial a n d s i d e s t e p p i n g . It is a h u m o u r o u s e x p r e s s i o n of the s o u l ' s o w n d e s p e r a t i o n , of our ability to play g a m e s with o u r s e l v e s a n d to m a k e fun of our best efforts at doing right. S e x addiction a p p e a r s to h a v e b e e n r e s p o n s i b l e for the dissolution of B o b ' s s e c o n d marriage, a s a l c o h o l w a s primarily responsible for the first. In both c a s e s the addictive b e h a v i o u r s s e e m to h a v e b e e n u s e d to k e e p B o b from sharing himself with his p a r t n e r s : T h i s level of personal vulnerability w a s not yet available to him. A s in all things h u m a n , the survival of relationships d e p e n d s e s p e c i a l l y u p o n the level of d a m a g e d o n e to e a c h party during the addictive c y c l e s ; a n d of c o u r s e , it a l s o d e p e n d s u p o n the maturity of the p e r s o n s involved, a n d their o w n understanding of felt n e e d s a n d wants ( C a r n e s , 1 9 9 1 , c h a p . 11). T h e strength of twelve step programs d e p e n d s o n the growing maturity of its s e n i o r m e m b e r s . A s with a n y activity, o n e c a n join half-heartedly or o n e c a n join with full h o p e a n d participation. T h e point of recovery is to re-open the d o o r s of h o p e for the addict. E v e r y m a n is different, so e a c h t a k e s his o w n time a n d m a k e s his o w n w a y through this doorway. It is often cyclic; with m a n y ups a n d d o w n s .  In  their twelve step work, the participants have c o m e to a point of a c c e p t i n g a n d e m b r a c i n g most all that is t h e m s e l v e s , past a n d present, g o o d a n d b a d . T h e y are then freer to c h o o s e a n d to u s e what they want of t h e s e patterns. T h e y m o v e o n  86 into a brighter future; brighter b e c a u s e it is lived in the light of h o n e s t y a n d a w a r e n e s s . Life b e c o m e s a journey rather than a constant repetition of s a d n e s s . T h e r e is a s e a s o n for all things, a time for e v e r y want.  87  Narrative Biography of Participant "Zed" Z e d w a s born in western C a n a d a during the w a r y e a r s . F o r r e a s o n s u n k n o w n to Z e d , his father g a v e him a middle n a m e derived from a British destroyer s u n k in mid-Atlantic o n the d a y of his birth. H e w a s born into a very unfortunate h o u s e h o l d , a n d believes that he w a s a n unwanted child. H i s earliest m e m o r i e s are of being shunted off to his older brother, a n d of trailing a r o u n d behind him. His brother took him to s c h o o l o n his very first d a y in kindergarten. T h i s w a s not a h a p p y situation for Z e d . H e w a s constantly trying to d o the right things to be really w a n t e d , e s p e c i a l l y to be w a n t e d by his mother. A s are m a n y y o u n g s t e r s , he w a s well a w a r e of the situation without really knowing h o w or why. O l d e r brother tolerated Z e d b e c a u s e he had to. " M y brother only included m e in his inner world w h e n he w a s in s o m e crisis". S u c h a s w h e n he hit Z e d hard e n o u g h to give him a bloody n o s e a n d lip, but then older brother h a d to tend to it himself. T h e r e a s o n for this w a s basically r e a s o n a b l e too. Z e d ' s mother w a s very ill, almost from the d a y he w a s born. H e recalls c o m i n g h o m e from s c h o o l for lunch o n m a n y d a y s , b e c a u s e h o m e w a s c l o s e to s c h o o l . H e would find lunch p r e p a r e d by his mother, but no mother. S h e had g o n e back to b e d , or to her r o o m , b e c a u s e s h e had no more e n e r g y to e x p e n d .  S h e had a very painful form of c a n c e r , a n d  w a s b e c o m i n g s i c k e r by the day. S h e died in great pain, at h o m e , w h e n Z e d w a s eleven years old.  88 T o w a r d s the e n d of mother's life, s h e w a s in s u c h constant pain that s h e w o u l d often s c r e a m for more morphine. But n o n e w a s allowed her, or n o n e w a s available. S o m e w h e r e during this period, he recalls s a y i n g his prayers with his brother in their r o o m . T h e two of them w e r e praying that their mother w o u l d die s o o n , s o s h e w o u l d be out of her misery. A n d Z e d could s e e that his older brother, older by s o m e five y e a r s , a l r e a d y had the precious relationship with m o m . H e had had the benefit of the d a y s w h e n s h e w a s w e l l , a n d h a d time a n d e n e r g y to give to her first-born s o n . Z e d w a s very j e a l o u s of this, right from the start. F a t h e r w a s little better at dealing with this situation. T h e family w a s financially well off e n o u g h to hire a h o u s e k e e p e r . But the h o u s e k e e p e r s s o o n b e c a m e father's keeper. Z e d k n e w that something w a s going o n , e v e n though his father tried to be very c i r c u m s p e c t about his after dark activities. M u c h later Z e d b e c a m e a w a r e that his father would s l e e p with the h o u s e k e e p e r s . After Z e d ' s natural mother w a s d e a d , his father continued to u s e the s e r v i c e s of ' h o u s e k e e p e r s ' . S o m e t i m e s t h e s e w o m e n w o u l d inquire of Z e d a s to his father's c o m m e n t s a n d feelings about t h e m . Z e d found this c o n f u s i n g a n d d i s t r e s s i n g . At the a g e of thirteen or fourteen, he k n e w that his b o u n d a r i e s w e r e being violated, but he could not find w o r d s for the feelings. Eventually, "father brought h o m e o n e w h o b e c a m e his s e c o n d wife, secretly marrying her in a hospital  room". T h e room w a s in the maternity section, w h e r e s h e shortly g a v e birth to the third child of the family. Z e d s p e n t m u c h of his time a l o n e , e s p e c i a l l y after his father remarried a n d his older brother left h o m e . H e would s p e n d m a n y of his preteen a n d t e e n w e e k e n d s a l o n e , watching television or reading. "I c a n r e m e m b e r being a l o n e by myself at h o m e listening to Elvis records, a n d m a y b e singing a l o n g s o m e t i m e s . M y parents w o u l d c o m e h o m e a n d just look at m e in the living room by myself." A n d a g a i n : "Not long before he d i e d , my father admitted that he thought he left m e a l o n e too m u c h w h e n I w a s little". T h e y e a r s in s c h o o l . Z e d started junior high s c h o o l s o o n after his mother d i e d . T h i s w a s a critical time for him: the mother w h o m he never really had w a s d e a d , a n d father's live-ins a n d e v e n t u a l n e w wife w e r e no replacement. Z e d relates little of this time e x c e p t that he learned about alcohol a n d girls very rapidly. H e states simply: "I drank to get drunk". H e a l s o liked to lead his c o m p a n i o n s into drinking, a n d to w a t c h t h e m get drunk quicker than he, while he w a s still s o b e r e n o u g h to enjoy the s p e c t a c l e . H e b e g a n to be invited to h o u s e parties at the b e h e s t of his older brother. H e a v y petting a n d drinking w e r e the norm. Z e d w a s very s h y a r o u n d girls in g e n e r a l , but he w a s strongly attracted to t h e m a s well. His s e x life w a s patterned b y getting right d o w n to b u s i n e s s . But his m a i n s e x u a l interests still r e m a i n e d his o w n secret, g o i n g d e e p e r a n d d e e p e r into his o w n fantasy life. H e had no c a s u a l  90  girlfriends, only h e a v y petting partners: "I wanted the girls, but I w a s afraid of t h e m too. M y s h y n e s s o v e r c a m e my wanting. O n l y h e a v y lust could get m e what I wanted". H e w a s s o intense in his physical attentions a n d a m o r o u s activities that he o v e r w h e l m e d a s t e a d y girl in the ninth g r a d e . " S h e broke up the s t e a d y relationship but continued to be a friend." T h i s w a s very traumatic for him. H e withdrew into himself, full of feelings of w o r t h l e s s n e s s . H e h a d no more s t e a d y girls for almost a d e c a d e . H e continued to hang around with a hard drinking b u n c h of b o y s . T h e y partnered with the fast, unattached girls from h i g h s c h o o l for w h a t e v e r s e x u a l activities the b o y s d e s i r e d . Z e d noted s a d l y that he " w a s very drunk at his s e n i o r prom." Z e d ' s c o l l e g e d a y s w e r e also a blur of a l c o h o l a n d fantasy, until he d i s c o v e r e d religion. T h e o l o g y , philosophy a n d the s o c i a l justice m o v e m e n t captured his attention. H e w a s bright a n d did well in intellectual pursuits. H e gradually settled into a slightly e v a n g e l i c a l c h u r c h youth group. H e still h a d no s e r i o u s girlfriends, but w h e n he w a s drunk he would often be o v e r c o m e with lust for a particular y o u n g w o m a n . H e tried to s e d u c e a friend's girl from a t e l e p h o n e booth, long d i s t a n c e . H e w a s masturbating while talking with her, a n d w h e n he c l i m a x e d he w a s s o o v e r c o m e by s h a m e that he simply hung up. His d e e p s h a m e a n d self hatred p u s h e d him to a p o l o g i z e to the girl later, but her c a s u a l a c c e p t a n c e of his actions s h a m e d him e v e n more.  91 Z e d is sure n o w that he w a s really a w a r e of his feelings of s h a m e a n d humiliation during this period, but he d o e s not fully recall the w o r d s he might h a v e u s e d thirty y e a r s a g o to d e s c r i b e t h e m . H e k n e w that his lust w a s all in his h e a d , a n d in his loins, with little or no heart involved. His s o c i a l a n d ethical s e n s e w a s growing stronger, but his p e r s o n a l morals s e e m e d to be s t y m i e d . H e w a s growing more a n d more angry, mostly with himself, a n d stuffing it d e e p e r a n d d e e p e r . H i s h a r s h n e s s with himself for his failings could only be mirrored by his c o m p a s s i o n for others. Religion s e e m e d his only h o p e , but it w a s a vain o n e . T h e more he strove to live by a stronger c o d e of ethics, the more the p r e s s u r e s of "lust" built up within him, a n d the more he relied upon masturbation a n d fantasy to relieve t h e m . P e r h a p s harbouring h o p e against h o p e , or his strong s o c i a l ethic, drove him to attend s e m i n a r y in C h i c a g o , with the Methodist c h u r c h . T h e fact that this c h u r c h w a s d e e p l y committed to ethical action a s well a s ethical talk drove his c h o i c e of location.  C h i c a g o had the best program in the late sixties, a n d w a s in the heart of  the s o c i a l justice movement. H e continued to h a v e serial, generally quick, purposeful relationships with w o m e n in c o l l e g e a n d s e m i n a r y . T h e y w e r e usually e n d e d by a c o m b i n a t i o n of "getting what I d e s i r e d or by b e c o m i n g too c l o s e to the girls". His s e n s e of p e r s o n a l w o r t h l e s s n e s s would then o v e r c o m e him. Nothing he did w a s e v e r g o o d e n o u g h . O r the s h e e r emotional c l o s e n e s s of a real y o u n g w o m a n would terrify him to s u c h a n extent that he w a s forced to break off the relationship after a short while.  92 H e b e g a n to visit the strip bars of a nearby C h i c a g o ghetto. His first e x p e r i e n c e of intercourse w a s with a drunken black prostitute in a strip bar hotel. H e w a s a l s o drunk, but not a s badly a s s h e . It w a s a very d e g r a d i n g a n d s a d e x p e r i e n c e for him. But Z e d continued to look for satisfaction here, or at least for s e n s a t i o n s strong e n o u g h to dull the pains of his e x i s t e n c e . H e sought out another black prostitute, a n d this y o u n g w o m a n w a s kinder, almost c a r i n g . Z e d explained that he "continued to visit a n d to u s e her to satisfy my lust during the time in C h i c a g o , p e r h a p s eight or ten o c c a s i o n s altogether".  He  e v e n called her o n a later trip through C h i c a g o , just to s e e h o w s h e w a s d o i n g . A p p a r e n t l y , this call truly surprised her s i n c e he w a s s e e k i n g no s e x u a l f a v o u r s . Z e d continued drinking to get drunk. T h e contrast d i s p l a y e d by his intellectual pursuits, his e m p h a s i s o n justice a n d his bodily satisfactions w a s not lost o n him. His h e a v y drinking helped to dull the s e n s e of w r o n g n e s s w h i c h he felt about the strip-bars a n d his prostitutes. The.greatest thrills he felt during a strip s h o w w a s " w h e n the girls are about to take off the last bit of clothing". Immediately afterwards, he w a n t e d to "get the hell out'ta there or h a v e another o n e o n s t a g e d o it all over: but quick"! T h e n a k e d w o m a n herself w a s not very interesting to him. T h e tantalization w a s . Z e d h a s had similar difficulty with relationships. A w o m a n ' s body w a s a n interesting object for s o m e p u r p o s e , but her p e r s o n h o o d did not s h o w through. " H e r b o o b s , a s s , or tight tummy are interesting, but o n c e I've c o m e in her, the  93 question b e c o m e s : ' N o w what u s e a m I?'" F a n t a s y fulfilment with masturbation or with intercourse almost a l w a y s brings the s a m e m a s s i v e d o s e s of s h a m e , guilt, r e m o r s e , pain, humiliation, ethical quandary, fear of discovery, fear of d i s e a s e ; a n d fear of doing progressively w o r s e things.  The cycle s e e m s endless and deadly  from Z e d ' s point of view. T h e y e a r s of work. Z e d recalls making u s e of his position within the work environment to capture the attentions of a w o m a n co-worker. In his w o r d s , he "treated her shamefully, using her a s simple body parts to satisfy my o w n lust for s e v e r a l y e a r s " . H e m a d e no commitment, a n d d u m p e d her w h e n h e left that particular p l a c e . H e feels c o n s i d e r a b l e r e m o r s e o v e r this particular relationship. T h i s is a l s o similar to the situation of the y o u n g w o m a n Z e d married ten y e a r s a g o . S h e w a s m u c h y o u n g e r than he.  P e r h a p s s h e w a s a fulfilment v i s i o n  of o n e of Z e d ' s fantasy girls. A t any rate, the marriage did not last, a n d they n o w s h a r e joint c u s t o d y of a s o n . Z e d is committed to helping his boy grow up in a f a s h i o n different from his own youth. But during the w e e k off, w h e n he is a l o n e in his apartment with his cat, he is still troubled by strong urges to act out s e x u a l l y . H e h a s cut out the u s e of prostitutes, a n d h a s r e d u c e d his visits to strip bars dramatically. Y e t he s a y s "Surprising s u r g e s of rage o v e r c o m e m e o n the slightest provocation."  In the last d e c a d e Z e d h a s b e e n involved in various street ministries a s part of his work. T h i s brings him in contact with the street prostitution s c e n e , w h i c h of c o u r s e c r o s s e s o v e r into the strip bars. T h e bars a r e or w e r e his major s o u r c e of addictive sexuality, a n d this c r o s s o v e r h a s created more a n d more t e n s i o n for Z e d . H e lives in fear of d i s c o v e r y w h e n e v e r he indulges his addiction. H e f e e l s "more a n d more the hypocrite w h e n e v e r this ministry brings him in contact with the girls". E n t r a n c e into S e x A d d i c t s A n o n y m o u s ( S A A ) . T h e strength of the urges to act out a n d the fears of d i s c o v e r y troubled him e n o u g h s o that he sought out more help. F r o m a friend h e learned of the local S A A group. Z e d h a s b e e n a m e m b e r for almost four y e a r s . H e feels that it h a s b e e n only in the last y e a r that he h a s b e g u n to take the program seriously. H e h a s recently finished working a "step g r o u p " . H e believes that he is getting more 17  s e r i o u s about his c o u n s e l l i n g . A n d at the s a m e time, Z e d e x p r e s s e s d o u b t s a b o u t his o w n intentions in t h e s e two a r e a s : h e is still unbelievably hard o n himself. Z e d h a d tried a f e w S e x a h o l i c s A n o n y m o u s ( S A ) meetings s o m e y e a r s a g o . H e went a s a n o b s e r v e r , a s part of his counselling a n d spiritual ministry work, rather than directly for himself. H e r e c o g n i z e d that s o m e of the p r o b l e m s e e m e d to fit his o w n situation, w h i c h of c o u r s e he did not reveal to a n y o n e there. But at the  A step group is an intense activity common to all twelve step programs. A closed group of members gathers regularly to work through at least six of the twelve steps of their tradition. There is usually a recommended workbook to use as a guide. The groups are member led. Most addictions counsellors are not only familiar with this activity, but recommend it highly. Patrick Carnes (1994) "A Gentle Path Through the Twelve Steps" is such a book oriented towards Sex Addicts. 17  95 s a m e time he found the S A meetings "far too N e w T e s t a m e n t for my tastes". T h e i r rule of total abstention from s e x of a n y sort outside of marriage w a s more t h a n Z e d could s t o m a c h . T h e y are also a n t i - h o m o s e x u a l , w h i c h troubled Z e d from a justice point of view. Z e d e x p e r i e n c e d great pains in trying to join S A A . H e d e s c r i b e d , in the following p a s s a g e , his a w a r e n e s s of the situation w h i c h d r o v e him to s e e k help there: M y main milieu or p l a c e , had b e e n a n d w a s -- the striptease b a r s . A n d that w a s starting to i n c r e a s e . A h a n d s o m e t i m e s , a h s o m e t i m e s I would g o to the striptease bars for hours, a n d I would slowly but surely get l o a d e d . A n d then I would s o m e t i m e s , not often, a n d I w a s s c a r r e d to d o this. A h m - not s c a r e d of p h y s i c a l d a n g e r , but s c a r e d of going around loaded in the streets - I w o u l d s o m e t i m e s g o around a n d s e e s o m e of t h e s e prostitutes-- not to talk to, I would just kjnda w a v e to t h e m a n d goo'dby. K n o w i n g that I w a s l o a d e d , I w a s y o u know, a h m - a n d that started to s c a r e m e . I think this c o m b i n a t i o n of going to the striptease bars a n d then going, a n d wanting to g o out -- then I w a s b e c o m i n g a voyeur. I think slowly but surely. I think: 'this is g o i n g n o w h e r e fast. T h i s is going the opposite direction fast'. Financially. T i m e w i s e . Emotionally. C o m b i n i n g the drinking with the v o y . . . - w i t h the striptease bars. Z e d ' s e x p e r i e n c e of S A A w a s quite different from what he e x p e c t e d . H e felt at h o m e almost right a w a y . H e felt that the others there s h a r e d his c o n f u s i o n s a n d his p a i n s , a n d could understand how he felt a n d w h y he acted a s he did. T h e y a l s o r e c o g n i z e d the individual twists of the addiction w h i c h m a k e it e a c h his o w n . A n d  he c o u l d feel the h o p e a n d the recovery in the air a n d e x p e c t the s a m e for himself, on good days. T h e r e w e r e a l s o bad d a y s , w h e n he felt like he w a s getting n o w h e r e , a n d just putting in his time by c o m i n g to meetings a n d trying to work the p r o g r a m . T h e r e w e r e d a y s w h e n he w o n d e r e d if he would e v e r get a n y w h e r e at being a d e c e n t h u m a n b e i n g , a n d finding a relationship with a w o m a n in w h i c h he c o u l d be happily a n d safely s e x u a l . A relationship in w h i c h they would both enjoy t h e m s e l v e s . S i g n s of recovery. Z e d h a s n o w r e d u c e d his acting out from two or three times a w e e k , o n e v e r y other w e e k w h e n he d o e s not h a v e c h a r g e of his s o n , to o n c e or twice a month. S o m e t i m e s he h a s g o n e a s long a s three months. H e a l s o s e e s himself more interested in working his S A A program. H e r e a d s in v a r i o u s s o u r c e s about the addiction patterns. H e u s e s the Hope and Recovery  text a n d w o r k b o o k from  the S A A group. H e k e e p s a n inventory a n d a daily journal to track his p r o g r e s s a n d capture significant information for c o u n s e l l i n g . A n d he is "working hard with his counsellor, although it t a x e s him financially. But not a s m u c h a s a regular b o o z e , stripper a n d prostitute habit w o u l d ! " A l l t h e s e s e p a r a t e things w h e n a d d e d together are s i g n s to Z e d that he is m a k i n g p r o g r e s s . * Z e d of c o u r s e calls t h e m "little things". But o n the d a y s w h e n the addiction is more in control, he w o n d e r s still if it is all worth it. H e is getting older; he is short o n energy; he is very lonely, frustrated  97 and hungry for a good, sexual and friendly relationship. He sometimes wonders if life is worth living. That is when a focus on his son helps him to make it through, even if it feels like "white knuckling it ". 18  Zed continues to work on improving his knowledge and position in the work world. He does not serve a church community directly any more, but does work as a spiritual counsellor and justice advocate among the street people of his city. He hopes for a day when he "will feel worthwhile more often than not". Comments on Zed's Narrative  Zed, speaks with a great sense of urgency. He talks very rapidly, with a clipped sort of pace. Words are regularly half said and then repeated or changed. It is difficult to assign proper punctuation in his text. Completion of thoughts in sentence form is not the norm. Rather completion of a unit of personal meaning is more common. "I" is often left out, as well as the subject of sentence units. The text carries a great deal of emotion as well as urgency. This could be his normal state, or indicative of the pressure to make changes which he is feeling internally, feeling as a result of his own strong drives to make his life more consistent. It is a hopeless task to attempt to restore this  This phrase describes a common situation for addicts (Alcoholics Annonymous, 1938/1976, chap. 2). It was probably coined in the early days of AA. It refers to a person who is struggling with all his might to keep from crossing over the line into his personal addictions. He often fights this battle alone, in shame and fear. At this moment he is unable, and probably unwilling, to seek help outside of himself. Or perhaps he has no other realistic choice. 18  98 emotion to the text. But it is a beautiful-sometimes sad, happy, funny, serious and always very human-speech to listen to. In childhood, being bad and needy was a very normal and instant mechanism for Zed to become accustomed to. It was his only source of 'being wanted feelings", feelings which he was desperate for. In his own reality, Zed believed that he had no mother, although she was apparent and desirable all the time. He became, perhaps as a result of this situation, a very lonely child. His constant hunger for the companionship of his mother was carefully guarded lest it be mocked or squashed. And jealousy became strongly imprinted in him, and would become a natural outlet for many feelings later on.  Likewise, anger at the  unfairness of life. The impact on a young boy of protracted illness and severe suffering of a mother is not estimable. Being left alone, to watch a desired, loved one die in pain; being forced by a sense of decency and compassion to beg for her death; being aware that only more loneliness will result from this death; and being only a small boy through it all is heartbreaking, mind bending-most likely devastating. The effects of this unremedied situation can be seen throughout Zed's life. The teenage years were painful days for Zed. He is only now becoming aware of the driving forces behind all his undirected, youthful activities; and the current outbursts which look somewhat similar to those activities. He took the obvious courses available to him with which to lessen the pains of abandonment,  99 w o r t h l e s s n e s s , s a d n e s s a n d s h a m e . A l c o h o l , fast friends a n d s e x u a l l y a v a i l a b l e y o u n g w o m e n w e r e highly effective c o p i n g m e c h a n i s m s for a t e e n a g e r in s e r i o u s p e r s o n a l trouble. M a n y of t h e s e feelings a n d a s s o c i a t e d recollections are actively with him today, a s he struggles with a s e x u a l addiction that n o w e m b a r r a s s e s a n d d i s c o u r a g e s him. T h e t e l e p h o n e booth incident m a r k e d a p e r s o n a l a w a r e n e s s for Z e d of h o w troubled he had b e c o m e . H e w a s a w a r e of the m a n n e r in w h i c h he violated w o m e n ' s b o u n d a r i e s . H e w a s a s h a m e d of the lust w h i c h drove him to w a n t to violate their b o d i e s . A n d at the s a m e time, he had no i d e a h o w to stop. Z e d often u s e s harsh w o r d s with respect to himself. His characterization of his sexuality a s "lust" is a s a m p l e . Theologically, it contrasts a s too f u n d a m e n t a l , too hyper-religious for his overt beliefs. But it is certainly m a t c h e d to his overtly z e a l o u s , internalized self-hate. His childhood situation left him with little s e n s e of self-worth. H e g a i n e d all his i d e a s , i m a g e s , a n d strategies of h o w to relate to a w o m a n through the e x a m p l e s of his tough, youthful friends, his s e x u a l l y active father a n d his pornography fired fantasy life. Z e d is b e c o m i n g a w a r e that he n o w f a c e s a critical juncture. T h i s is to learn to be a s kind to himself a s he has b e e n to street people, drug a d d i c t s , prostitutes a n d other d o w n a n d outers in his d a y to d a y world. But his self a b u s i v e internalized rage d i s p l a y e d in t h e s e interviews prevents him from doing this.  1 Z e d ' s view of sexuality is framed by the anticipation of s e e i n g all. Part of him, (the lonely youth?) s a v o u r s the n a u g h t i n e s s of it, a n d the expectation of final fulfilment. Failure of this a c c o m p l i s h m e n t l e a v e s him distraught, u n h a p p y a n d d e v a s t a t e d . In true addict form, it takes more, more, more; it requires trying a g a i n a n d a g a i n a n d a g a i n in h o p e s that the r e p e a t e d action, i m a g e o r fantasy will finally bring the d e s i r e d other r e s p o n s e . A n d it never works. T h e s e i m a g e s h a v e b e c o m e central to his lifestyle f o r c e s . T h i s is the definition of a n addictive lifestyle, at least from the inside out for Z e d . W h i l e trying to r e m o v e the addiction(s) he must first a n d simultaneously u n c o v e r the s o u r c e s of the p o w e r that k e e p s e a c h addiction in p l a c e . Z e d p o s s e s s e s a solid s e n s e of humour. That it e x t e n d s to m a n y o c c u r r e n c e s of a n g e r is a sign of progress in recovery. P e r h a p s the hold of perfection is l e s s e n i n g in the f a c e of humbling situations. H e c o n t i n u e s to w o r k actively o n his a n g e r a n d s e x u a l confusion i s s u e s with his counsellor. T h i s is another hopeful sign. T w e l v e - s t e p p r o g r a m s w e r e created in another e r a , a n e r a w h i c h thought of itself a s distinctly C h r i s t i a n . A central part of e a c h program is a c o n c e p t of higher p o w e r or divinity a s defined by the individual's personal understanding of G o d (Alcoholics A n o n y m o u s , 1 9 3 8 / 1 9 7 6 , pp. 563-575). Listening to Z e d talk about himself e v o k e s i m a g e s of the "god of his understanding" w h i c h c a n only be f r a m e d a s "one m e a n s o n of a bitch". T h e r e is a very primal fear of retribution, a n  101 underlying expectation of punishment for a life of lust, a n d of j u d g e m e n t for w a s t i n g other gifts while e n g a g e d in this unholy pursuit. T h i s is c o n v e y e d in the w o r d s Z e d u s e s , in the attitudes he holds towards himself, a n d in the life he tries to live. T h e growing weight of t h e s e fears--of p e r s o n a l destruction, of the l o s s of his s o n , of final retribution-is partly responsible for c h a s i n g Z e d into c o u n s e l l i n g a n d into S A A . B y c o m p a r i s o n with a n y prior attempts at controlling his addiction, his "current p r o g r e s s is nothing short of miraculous".  Z e d ' s participation in S A A h a s  h e l p e d him to begin formulating a n d realizing his o w n ideals a n d beliefs a r o u n d sexuality. T h e y w e r e in o b v i o u s conflict with the S A group's strict Christian fundamentalist point of view. S A A o n the other hand is more individually tailored to the m e m b e r ' s n e e d s . It is more spiritual a n d less religious-in this w a y it carries the heart of the original A A program. A n d s i n c e all this o c c u r s in a group structured environment, there is less c h a n c e of fooling o n e s e l f or a n y o n e e l s e about y o u r intentions; a s long a s the m e m b e r s hold to being rigorously honest with e a c h other ( C a r n e s , 1989, c h a p . 7). T h i s is a critical time for Z e d . H e is struggling with the q u e s t i o n s w h i c h h a v e brought him onto a recovery plateau: T h e plateau itself is part of the u s u a l c o u r s e of recovery from the d i s - e a s e of addictions. T h e r e is a kind of waiting for realizations to break free, for the s t u b b o r n n e s s built up a s protection o v e r y e a r s of pain to give w a y before the a c c e p t a n c e of the recovery route offered by the collective w i s d o m of the program, the "god of your understanding". In the w o r d s of  102 Augustine of Hippo, Saint of the Catholic Church and quasi-patron of SAA: "There but for the grace of God go I". Zed has begun to make major changes in his lifestyle, almost from the beginning of his entrance into SAA. His choice to pursue counselling-seeking help-is the first. He has stopped drinking and joined AA. He has also reduced his sexual acting out behaviours in major proportions. Yet his internally fired, self directed hatred makes it hard for him to recognize what is really happening to him. This is progress. These are major changes in life long habits! Zed's current level of self-hate keeps him from really appreciating how much progress he is making. His self expressed hunger for a decent relationship, and the pains brought by not finding one both soak up energy and create frustrations which might otherwise go to acting out. The important point is that most of the time, they do not. His hold on fresh life is still too tenuous for the progress to be recognized by him. He has too much at stake to let the hatred drain away. There would be far too much space left to fill with other activity; too much energy to be applied to this fresh life; too much fear of more pain from failed relationships.  103 Narrative Biography of Participant "Xeno" C h i l d h o o d a n d family a t m o s p h e r e X e n o w a s born in the late forties, a n d is about fifty y e a r s old. H e is the y o u n g e s t of four children, with a g a p of ten y e a r s from his nearest sister. H e w a s the only boy. F a t h e r w a s a n a l c o h o l i c a n d t e n d e d to b e h a r s h a n d often violent. T h e family religious b a c k g r o u n d w a s C a t h o l i c , but only mother attempted to practise her faith. Father rarely went to c h u r c h , p e r h a p s o n c e or twice o n C h r i s t m a s or E a s t e r . T h e g e n e r a l family a t m o s p h e r e during X e n o ' s childhood w a s d e s c r i b e d a s "rough". T h e r e w a s shouting, arguing a n d verbal a b u s e all the time. But o n her d e a t h b e d , he recalls his m o m responding to gentle q u e s t i o n s about all the n o i s e with the w o r d s "What n o i s e ? " X e n o recalls no p e r s o n a l , overt s e x u a l a b u s e a s a child; however, he is a w a r e that at least two of his sisters w e r e s e x u a l l y a b u s e d by their father. S e x w a s never talked about at h o m e . It w a s a t a b o o subject. X e n o c a m e to his family a s a n unwanted p r e g n a n c y , from his mother's point of view. T h o u g h he learned the truth late in life, he had a l w a y s s u s p e c t e d that he w a s u n w a n t e d . H e formed this opinion from his o w n feelings, a n d from taunts a n d hints that his sisters m a d e during his childhood. O n her d e a t h b e d , mother confirmed his beliefs. X e n o d e s c r i b e s the situation thus: W e l l , s o m e t h i n g I learned m u c h later, just a few y e a r s a g o from my mother o n her d e a t h b e d . S h e told me that s h e wanted a n abortion with m e . S o I'd  104  suspected all along sort'a my whole life that I wasn't sort'a wanted. And I had feelings all the time of not being part of my family. See this is how it was. There were three older sisters: approximately thirteen, twelve and ten. Then a ten year gap and me, and then a younger sister. My father beat my mother up when she was carrying me. And my older sisters witnessed it. And it was bad enough so that the oldest went next door to call the police. This experience, as shared by mother and unborn son, was a very potent one. Xeno believes that the terror experienced by mother was transmitted to him: "And so for about four years actually I had nightmares that I could not describe, because it was part of the prenatal experience. Like, I can't put it into words. It was scarey and nightmares recurring bitterly for four years. Six or eight times at least." Throughout his childhood, Xeno was "put down a lot". His sisters teased him mercilessly at times. "I was told I was a black sheep. I was darker than some of my siblings. My sisters would tease me that I was adopted." Despite all this he has strong feelings for them as well, since they were brutally abused by father prior to Xeno's own birth. Apparently, the shock of being reported and arrested at his eldest daughter's behest caused father to dramatically reduce the amount of physical abuse. Not surprisingly, all the sisters were married by the time they finished highschool. These experiences throughout childhood left Xeno very shy and angry. He feels that he learned to hate women simply by watching his father, whether he wanted to or not, and that he carried this hatred into later relationships;  105 O n s e t of s e x u a l a w a r e n e s s X e n o ' s first recollected e x p e r i e n c e of physical sexuality w a s masturbation to a P l a y b o y centerfold that he had found in the street. H e recalls no collections df p o r n o g r a p h y kept at h o m e , or that w e r e otherwise available to him. H e w a s about e l e v e n at the time. Prior to this he recalls only s e e i n g a n o c c a s i o n a l picture of naked women. I r e m e m b e r my d a d had a gravel pit out in [a rural area].  Sort of a s h e d  there a n d there w a s a picture like of a c a l e n d a r there in t h o s e d a y s . I g u e s s I s a w it w h e n I w a s eight. I think it w a s a picture of a bare breasted w o m a n . A n d o n e of my o w n sisters w h o w a s about nine or ten y e a r s old - I w a s probably five or six y e a r s or something -- c a m e a n d s h e w a s o p e n i n g the mail. A n d s h e took it a n d held it up for a s e c o n d a n d then s h e took it d o w n right a w a y . T e n or e l e v e n w a s a l s o the a g e at w h i c h X e n o d i s c o v e r e d a l c o h o l , a n d its great possibilities of e s c a p e . X e n o h a s vivid m e m o r i e s of his father beating up a n d verbally a b u s i n g both mother a n d sisters. H e w a n t e d out of this h o u s e h o l d in a b a d w a y . But a s a boy he w a s too s c a r r e d to run a w a y . "The first time I s a w T o m S a w y e r a n d Huckleberry Finn I thought ' O h y e a h , that's like me'." H i q h s c h o o l a n d shortly after X e n o ' s s h y n e s s around girls kept him from having m a n y girlfriends a s a t e e n a g e r . In addition, he had lost a finger in a l a w n m o w e r accident. H e s a y s : A n d that sort'a m a d e m e e v e n more i n s e c u r e . B e c a u s e being i n s e c u r e already, a n d then I thought that no girl would want to hold my h a n d , just walking a l o n g . S o with the b o y s that I hung around with, w e ' d talk about s e x  106 - y a h know. Big time. A n d I would get pretty s h y a r o u n d girls. W h e n I w a s s e v e n t e e n I h a d a girlfriend for a little bit. B e c a u s e I had a c a r I g u e s s a n d s h e w a s only fourteen. I never h a d s e x with her, w e ' d just n e c k a lot p a s s i o n a t e l y a n d want to, but w e never did. H e h a d his first e x p e r i e n c e of intercourse at 19, a n d c o n s i d e r s that this w a s late for a n active guy. T h e n he d i s c o v e r e d "the s e c r e t s of picking up w o m e n in b a r s " a n d he all of a s u d d e n had a lot of girlfriends. W e l l , not - n o n e of them w e r e sort'a real girlfriends. J u s t s o m e o n e I'd s c r e w for a o n e night s t a n d , until I w a s about twenty-one, m a y b e about twenty-two a n d then I had a s t e a d y girlfriend for a bit.  With satisfying s e x . I didn't h a v e  to masturbate. But basically s h e broke my heart I g u e s s . S h e d u m p e d m e a n d it broke my heart basically a n d after that I just c h a s e d a r o u n d . In bars a n d stuff. X e n o h a s b e e n married twice, o n c e at twenty-nine a n d a g a i n in later life. H e h a s o n e child, a d a u g h t e r born with his first wife. In both marriages he d e s c r i b e s his sexuality a s satisfying before a n d early in marriage, but not s o later o n . His first wife w a s hospitalized for p s y c h o s i s , a n d given s h o c k treatments a n d strong d r u g s . A l l through this period X e n o l e a n e d more a n d more o n a l c o h o l a n d p o r n o g r a p h y to c o p e . T h e b r e a k u p finally c a m e three y e a r s later. " A n d then I n e v e r h a d a girlfriend for a long time. I got into more pornography a n d v i d e o s started c o m i n g out. A n d that w a s it for m e . A n d I'd masturbate watching t h o s e . A n d still c h a s i n g a r o u n d a n d drinking too." B e g i n n i n g s of recovery  1 0 7  A b o u t twelve y e a r s a g o , at thirty-six or s o , X e n o g a v e up drinking. But the p o r n o g r a p h y carried o n . H e entered another relationship tentatively.  But it w a s not  time for it yet. In the last d e c a d e , X e n o h a s w o r k e d hard o n A C O A a n d A A i s s u e s , doing w o r k s h o p s in self-help g r o u p s , inner child resolution, family of origin reconciliation attempts.  H e is a w a r e of his loneliness a n d isolation i s s u e s a s a  primary p r o b l e m . It is this a w a r e n e s s that drove him to look for help for the s e x u a l c o m p u l s i o n i s s u e s w h i c h he s a w a s all tangled up with isolation. H e s e n s e d that it w a s a life a n d d e a t h kind of struggle. Life a n d death m e a n i n g that his a n g e r a n d hatred of w o m e n , c o u p l e d with his s e x u a l c o m p u l s i o n s (one-night s t a n d s , pornography, a n d strip-bars), might get him into real trouble w h e n they all r e a c h e d levels strong e n o u g h to o v e r c o m e his s h y n e s s . T h i s might never h a p p e n , but it is a f e a r s o m e prospect for a n y o n e with e n o u g h sanity to s e e it. X e n o w a s u n a b l e to find help for his s e x u a l problem w h e r e he w a s living, s o he m o v e d to a n e a r b y metropolitan a r e a b e c a u s e he h a d heard of the S A A g r o u p s there, a n d the p r e s e n c e of g o o d counselling s e r v i c e s to b a c k it up. T o d o this he left "probably the best paying a n d most interesting job I e v e r h a d . " left him without employment.  The move has  H e h a s gotten a little help from public a s s i s t a n c e , "for  e d u c a t i o n at s o m e trade, but they just barely give y o u e n o u g h to survive". H e w a s at first financially s t r e s s e d .  Later s u c c e s s with starting a small b u s i n e s s in  computing h a s helped to l e s s e n the financial worries.  108 X e n o h a s set a n u m b e r of g o a l s for himself. T h e f i r s t - a n d most g l o b a l - i s to g a i n control o v e r his c o m p u l s i v e sexuality. H e a l s o k n o w s that his a n g e r is a big p r o b l e m , but he c a n n o t afford counselling at this point. His most b a s i c want right n o w is for a truly e q u a l physical a n d s e x u a l relationship with a c o m p a t i b l e w o m a n . H e is working o n his o w n a n d through S A A to a c c o m p l i s h his g o a l s . H e h a s e x p e r i e n c e d the usual feelings of c o n f u s i o n a n d distaste in joining a diffuse group of s e x addicts. H e d e s c r i b e s it thus: " S o at t h e s e meetings there are a lot of p e o p l e at a m u c h lower level of t h e s e problems: child a b u s e r s , exhibitionists, flashers, rapists. G u y s w h o buy prostitutes. I don't identify with t h e m . I k n o w I h a v e the s a m e b a s i c addiction a s t h e s e g u y s . ... A n d I don't think that I'm in that category." T h i s is what X e n o said w h e n a s k e d to s u m m a r i z e his journey, from the time of his first girlfriend to now. W e l l I g u e s s it's trying to feel w a n t e d a n d stuff. W a n t e d a n d n e e d e d to fill the v o i d . W h e n I did sort'a realize in my twenties that I could pick up w o m e n in bars, a n d that I w a s attractive to w o m e n , that I h a d m o n e y in my p o c k e t s , a n d I could buy drinks a n d everything. I sorted relished the being w a n t e d . T h e r e w e r e g u y s a r o u n d , a n d y o u could tell stories a n d stuff. A n d there w e r e a l w a y s girls w h o would be attracted to m e . After they w a n t e d m e , I'd just sort'a drop them. I think a part of me knew that the o n e s I w a s attracting weren't that d e s i r a b l e a n y w a y . I g u e s s that's sort'a what got m e into pornography. I g u e s s a part of me w a s more perceptive than a lot of p e o p l e in b a r s . I could s e e that a relationship for a w e e k e n d , or a few nights or w e e k s w a s  109 really just c r a p . J u s t lusting after e a c h other. S o often times I w o u l d just drop t h e m right a w a y , or g o buy/find another o n e that w a s better. A n d I think a part of me k n e w they w e r e just a s b a d off a s I w a s . A t the time I wouldn't h a v e called it s e x u a l addiction, but I c o u l d s e e that there w a s more to it than just her or m e . I w a n t e d s o m e o n e to take c a r e of m e . I sort'a feel that spirituality fits into this picture s o m e w h e r e . I c o u l d h a v e died m a n y times, from alcohol a b u s e . I c a n count eight or nine t i m e s . Like I've b e e n kept alive for s o m e p u r p o s e s . T h e twelve-step p r o g r a m g i v e s y o u the s e a r c h for that. X e n o c o n t i n u e s to attend S A A . H e h a s m a d e s o m e friends in the g r o u p w h o are more e x p e r i e n c e d in the w a y s of recovery. H e k n o w s this is not a s effective a s c o u n s e l l i n g , but it is better than struggling a l o n e . T h e community of r e c o v e r y offered to X e n o by the group h a s b e e n gratefully a c c e p t e d . H e r e m a i n s b u s y m a k i n g e n d s meet a n d growing n e w relationships. Comments on Xeno's Narrative X e n o is rather shy, a n d a bit trodden d o w n at this point in his life. I h o p e that the r e a s o n s for this, a n d its r e a s o n a b l e n e s s will be apparent after reading his narrative a c c o u n t . H e h a s b e e n troubled by s e x u a l e x c e s s e s s i n c e about s i x t e e n . H e is, n o n e t h e l e s s , well e d u c a t e d , a go-getter by his o w n definition, a n d a father of o n e child (a daughter). H e stated that he h a s lost two marriages, s e v e r a l long term relationships a n d given up a s u c c e s s f u l c a r e e r b e c a u s e of s e x u a l compulsivity. H e h a s e v e n collected s o m e information from other porn-users about their habits a n d s o u r c e s . T h i s he w a s willing to give to m e , for w h a t e v e r appropriate u s e I might b e  110 a b l e to m a k e of it. H e h a s e x t e n d e d his current a w a r e n e s s of p o r n o g r a p h y o n the Internet a n d w a y s to c o m b a t it a s he g r o w s his o w n c o m p u t e r consulting b u s i n e s s . A s with the other participants, e s p e c i a l l y with Z e d , the emotional t o n e s in this narrative w e r e striking. V e r y little of this c a n be indicated in the written document. E s c a p e through b o o z e , s e x a n d fantasy, in a n y c o m b i n a t i o n , is a frequently c h o s e n a n d a n often r e a s o n a b l e c o p i n g m e c h a n i s m for a d e s p e r a t e p e r s o n . It is a s a d event, but it is e v e n s a d d e r to s e e this behaviour in a child o f t e n or e l e v e n . Y o u n g m e n a n d w o m e n , (for they c a n hardly be called "children" at this d e s p e r a t e juncture, r e g a r d l e s s of age), in t h e s e straights h a v e no other s a f e h a v e n . It is the s a m e function that imagination a n d fantasy play friends performed in times w h e n hard drugs w e r e less available. W h e n your w h o l e world fails y o u a n d s e e m s out to get y o u , a n y log floating o n the storm a p p e a r s inviting. N o w o n d e r c o u n s e l l o r s h a v e s u c h a time c o n v i n c i n g youth of the future d a n g e r s found in a d d i c t i o n s , w h e n tomorrow's life today s e e m s to hang in the b a l a n c e just by going h o m e ! It is worth noting that X e n o learned of sexuality a n d its p o w e r in a peripheral f a s h i o n . H e h a s no recollections of overt s e x u a l a b u s e , or of a n y other u n u s u a l c h i l d h o o d sexuality. H e d e s c r i b e s no direct s e x u a l e x p e r i e n c e until sixteen or s o . Y e t , X e n o still suffered greatly during childhood. S h y n e s s , fear, p h y s i c a l b e a t i n g s , o b s e r v i n g a n d hearing m i s o g y n y in action by father a n d p e r h a p s other m e n all taught him a particular lifestyle c o n c e r n i n g w o m e n .  11 S o it w a s that at the proper time for sexuality to begin d e v e l o p m e n t , X e n o ' s w o m a n - h a t r e d kicked in. First, it kept him a w a y from the feared a n d w a n t e d objects of his desire. A n d then a s it grew in power, a n d he "finds the tricks of picking up girls", he " b e c o m e s his father's s o n " ; whether he w a n t s to or not. X e n o did not directly d e s c r i b e his i d e a s of "satisfying s e x " or w h e r e a n d h o w t h e s e g o a l s w e r e f o r m e d . But it is clear in his narrative that s o m e related expectation w a s not being met. S o it is not u n u s u a l that, w h e n s e x with w o m e n w a s not satisfying, X e n o turned to fantasy a n d erotica for relief. His s h y n e s s , a n d the rule that s e x w a s not to be s p o k e n about at h o m e left him little room for c o n s c i o u s c h o i c e . T h i s s e e m e d to be e s p e c i a l l y the c a s e with his first wife, during her hospitalization for p s y c h o s i s . A n d s i n c e X e n o had almost no other c o p i n g skills, erotica rapidly b e c a m e pornographic c o m p u l s i o n . In his s u m m a r y , he indicates that he w a s v a g u e l y a w a r e of this problem early o n , but that the power of alcohol a n d s e x , a n d then s e x a l o n e , m a d e it hard for him to act u p o n this a w a r e n e s s . It s e e m s that only the threat of s e r i o u s , p e r s o n a l h a r m in the near future w a s sufficient to p u s h X e n o into recovery a c t i o n s . N o w h o w is it that X e n o finds a n e e d to recover his life? H e s e e m s to be basically u n h a p p y , a n d clearly unsatisfied with his lifestyle. H e first d i s c o v e r s the d a n g e r s of a l c o h o l i s m , a n d struggles with that addiction. A l m o s t fifteen y e a r s a g o , he a c h i e v e d sobriety from a l c o h o l , a n d h a s kept it.  But he is still d e e p l y troubled  by b a s i c l o n e l i n e s s , isolation a n d low self worth. T h u s , the hold of pornography,  112 masturbation a n d o c c a s i o n a l "one night s t a n d s " w a s not b r o k e n by a l c o h o l i c sobriety. It s o o n b e c a m e a stronger, d a m a g i n g a n d n o w d a n g e r o u s habit. A n d the habit brought only m o m e n t a r y relief to the underlying isolation a n d t e n s i o n . With o n e sobriety under his belt, he n o w begins the struggle a g a i n . X e n o s e e m s to h a v e a n innate understanding of the unity a s p e c t of appropriate sexuality. H e w a n t s it dearly. But he h a s yet to learn h o w to attain his g o a l without destroying it in the p r o c e s s . T h i s is a life skill w h i c h c a n be learned a n d a life-long s e a r c h . F o r X e n o , it is the p r o c e s s of rebuilding his o w n life style, with patience a n d support from other group m e m b e r s o n the s a m e journey. X e n o h a s b e g u n to resolve other t e n s i o n s in their proper p l a c e s . H e h a s started his o w n b u s i n e s s , a n d is making h e a d w a y towards e c o n o m i c security. H e is s e e k i n g s e x u a l p e a c e a n d hoping for a n appropriate, fulfilling relationship.  11 C H A P T E R FIVE. ANALYSIS OF THE THREE  NARRATIVES  General Sexual Recovery T h e m e a n i n g of recovery from s e x u a l c o m p u l s i o n s d e p e n d s u p o n o n e thing: the m e a n i n g of healthy sexuality. Unfortunately, healthy sexuality is not a clearly definable state. It is heavily loaded with cultural, religious, s o c i a l a n d m e d i c a l m e a n i n g s . A n d it is scientifically intractable; i.e., the m e t h o d s of scientific k n o w l e d g e d i s c o v e r y h a v e not given us a n y c l e a r norms for c o m p a r i s o n . M e d i c a l s c i e n c e offers us s o m e information a s to what prevents d i s e a s e or physical d a m a g e to the s e x u a l body. Cultural a n d religious belief s y s t e m s offer us . c h o i c e s through differing perceptions of healthy sexuality, but they are often contradictory. A n d the rules of proper d e c o r u m offered by society are highly changeable. I believe it is c l e a r from the literature review that the m e a n i n g of sexuality a n d s e x u a l b e h a v i o u r is b a s e d essentially upon p e r s o n a l c h o i c e , informed by available information from the aforementioned categories. T h i s is a l s o the m e a n i n g s o u r c e c h o s e n by the twelve step program to w h i c h the participants b e l o n g . E a c h m e m b e r is free to determine what he or s h e will do in the context of current relational, familial, cultural, s o c i a l a n d medico-scientific situations a n d information. N o o n e p e r s o n is identical to a n y other in this set of overlapping p a r a m e t e r s .  114 A question remains: Is this method of definition a s i d e s t e p of a real i s s u e ?  Is  there a singular, almost absolute m e a n i n g to healthy sexuality? F o r instance, other recovery p r o g r a m s , s u c h a s S A or P r o m i s e K e e p e r s (Clatterbaugh, 1995), h a v e their o w n strict definitions. In my estimation, the a n s w e r is not singular, a n d p e r h a p s is simply to h a v e a n a n s w e r , a n d to live to it a s c l o s e l y a s p o s s i b l e , being willing to c h a n g e a s helpful information b e c o m e s public. T h i s c o n f o r m s with my overall v i e w of healthy h u m a n nature. T h i s solution l e a v e s room for others to h a v e d e e p l y diverging a n s w e r s of their o w n . T h i s is not a l w a y s a popular s t a n c e . T h e M o r a l Majority in the U S A m a k e s this point very clear. H o w e v e r , this o p e n n e s s to variability is v a l u a b l e within the context of a c a d e m i c d i s c u s s i o n , in a n y articulate publication, a n d e s p e c i a l l y within the realm of s e x u a l c o u n s e l l i n g . Addiction and Recovery as Defined by the Participant's Stories T h i s position is supported by the following a n a l y s i s of e a c h of the three individuals in this study. R e c o v e r y d e s c r i b e d here is primarily a p r o c e s s leading to a s e l f - s e l e c t e d g o a l . T h e p r o c e s s c a n be outlined from the narrative d e s c r i p t i o n s of the participant's, while the g o a l of e a c h participant is to live a personally healthy s e x u a l lifestyle. T h e E n t r a n c e to Addiction A review of the lifestyle patterns of the three m e n participating in this study r e v e a l s s e v e r a l similarities. E a c h m a n h a s p a s s e d through a precipitating event  1.15 w h i c h c o u l d be c l a s s e d a s early life t r a u m a . E a c h s u c h event or period w a s t h e n a n d is n o w s e e n by the participant a s significant. T h e fact that e a c h m a n later d e v e l o p s a c o m p u l s i v e lifestyle is r e c o g n i z e d by e a c h participant a s related in s o m e w a y to t h e s e e v e n t s . E a c h o n e a b u s e s a l c o h o l . It is a l s o s e e n a s significant that e a c h o n e e x p e r i e n c e s a n early and/or un-guided e n t r a n c e into the world of 'adult sexuality'. Sexuality, e s p e c i a l l y s e x u a l fantasy, is u s e d habitually a s m e a n s to avoid life pains by e a c h of the participants. T h e s e individual patterns stabilize into a set of t h e m e s in the participant's adult lives. T h e y are m a r k e d by regular retreats into internalized f a n t a s y s e x , a n d o r external, repetitive ritualized s e x ; repetitive attempts at legitimizing, hiding, c o n d e m n i n g or b y p a s s i n g the compulsion(s); gradual growth of d e s p e r a t i o n , e s p e c i a l l y with a g i n g ; a n d final e x h a u s t i o n (may be p h y s i c a l , moral or both). Let us take a brief look at e a c h of t h e s e entrance p h e n o m e n a , a n d then the addictive periods w h i c h a p p e a r to be related. Precipitating event(s). E a c h of the three m e n e x p e r i e n c e d a n event during their prime d e v e l o p m e n t a l y e a r s w h i c h turned to t r a u m a . I u s e the p h r a s e 'turned to t r a u m a ' b e c a u s e e v e n identical events are not a l w a y s s e e n or felt a s t r a u m a , nor do they a l w a y s result in a n addictive lifestyle. P r o p e r attention a n d c a r e g i v e n by e v e n a single loved o n e , family m e m b e r , or friend c a n r e d u c e or s o m e t i m e s eliminate the negative results of almost any event ( M a y , 1967, c h a p . 2).  116 B o b contracted infectious poliomyelitis at about the a g e of s e v e n .  In  addition to c o n s i d e r a b l e d a m a g e to his n e r v o u s s y s t e m , his childhood p s y c h e n e v e r d e v e l o p e d a g o o d opinion of himself. H e felt d a m a g e d a s well a s left out of a l m o s t everything. H e relates little to no attention from his family w h i c h might h a v e c mitigated the effects at that time. F a t h e r w a s distraught with the guilt of knowing that he might h a v e b e e n responsible for infecting his s o n . M o t h e r w a s buried in a lifelong s e a r c h for order, w h i c h order w a s seriously impaired by a crippled s o n . In fact, it is significant that B o b relates little of his mother during a n y of his interviews for this study. P e r h a p s her p r e s e n c e w a s minimally felt. F r i e n d s , other y o u n g p e o p l e , s e e m far more significant in his life story. Z e d w a t c h e d his mother die slowly from c a n c e r . F r o m the a g e of six or s o , he w a s a w a r e of the terrible, growing pain s h e suffered. In s o m e s e n s e , he m a y still feel r e s p o n s i b l e for this unfortunate event. His i m a g e s of self-worth, selfe s t e e m a n d internalized c o n c e p t of u s e f u l n e s s never d e v e l o p e d a s a child. (Is he p e r h a p s haunted by something akin to survivor's guilt?) O l d e r brother b e c a m e primary c a r e - g i v e r for Z e d , but only grudgingly s o . A g a i n , fast friends provided a p p a r e n t intimacy a n d affection. X e n o o b s e r v e d constant physical a n d verbal a b u s e applied to his mother a n d sisters. H e too w a s regularly b e a t e n at times, although he t e n d s to m i n i m i z e the e v e n t s a n d the effects. His c o n c e p t i o n a n d birth w e r e u n w a n t e d by mother.  11 P e r h a p s only b e c a u s e of the s e v e r e beatings s h e received during the p r e g n a n c y . Either w a y , X e n o feels the pain of being a truly unwanted child. A l c o h o l played a n important part in m a s k i n g the s e v e r e pains resulting from these events.  Z e d a n d X e n o e a c h d e v e l o p e d long term alcoholic patterns from  early t e e n a g e y e a r s o n w a r d . T o d a y they are both a w a r e of h o w a l c o h o l s o o t h e d a n d obliterated their feelings of misery. A n d of how it liberated t h e m from certain p a n g s of c o n s c i e n c e . X e n o k n e w he w a s picking up d r u n k e n w o m e n at least a s b a d off a s he w a s , e v e r y time he went bar-hopping. But he c a r e d little while he w a s drunk.  B o b k n e w he w a s a n alcoholic by the time he finished s e m i n a r y .  Each  m a n s t o p p e d only w h e n f a c e d with "death by drinking predictions" from their doctors. A b s e n c e of alcohol h a s left all three d e e p l y a w a r e of more b a s i c p r o b l e m s , p r o b l e m s w h i c h relate to childhood a n d youth e x p e r i e n c e s . Isolation a n d s h a m e c a n be s e e n strongly in e a c h of the participants. All three m e n u s e imaginative, isolating fantasy a s a n e c e s s a r y portion of their s e x u a l rituals. B o b m e m o r i z e s p h o t o g r a p h s a n d then burns the originals. N o e v i d e n c e a n d no distracting p h y s i c a l material; only singular imagination. N o matter whether s e x is a solitary activity or a group activity, isolation prevails in e a c h of the addicted participants. F o r e x a m p l e , X e n o d u m p s his n e w girlfriends almost a s s o o n a s they h a v e finished the s e x act. N o more than a d a y or two at most with another p e r s o n , a n d then he returns to his lonely life in pursuit of " a better girl".  118 E a c h m a n h a d b e c o m e a c c u s t o m e d to a solitary world very early in life; X e n o through fear of physical beatings a n d d i s p l e a s i n g his father, B o b through his physical b o d y s h a m e , a n d Z e d through the p r o c e s s of being left a l o n e a n d lonely for s o m a n y y e a r s .  In e a c h of t h e m a l o n e n e s s turned to isolation through practise  a n d through s h a m e . P e r h a p s it is a self-fulfilling c y c l e . A s B o b d e s c r i b e d his situation: "my fantasy world of s e x s e t in rather early a s m y preferred s e x u a l outlet". T h e result of isolation a n d s h a m e is multiple, cyclic addictions. V e r y frequently they lead to more addiction, more s e x or s u b s t a n c e to dull the s e n s e of s h a m e a n d the pain of a l o n e n e s s . A n d from e a c h e x p e r i e n c e c o m e s more s h a m e a n d s h a m e drives the m a n farther into i s o l a t i o n . 19  Early s e x u a l e x p e r i e n c e s . B o b d i s c o v e r e d masturbation in the context of a fearful a n d death-haunted y e a r confined to a n infectious d i s e a s e s hospital. H e k n e w that he w a s afflicted with a n u n e x p l a i n e d , potentially d e a d l y illness. H e w a s f a c e d with q u e s t i o n s w h i c h could not b e v o i c e d , to w h i c h he had no a n s w e r e x c e p t " S o m e t h i n g must b e terribly wrong with me". T h e powerful, soothing comfort of p e r s o n a l s e x provided a very handy, regular e s c a p e from t h e s e fears.  Note that shame and isolation are especially fostered in North American society in respect to sex. We have seen in the literature exactly how much sex is present in our society, and how often this blatant economic display is treated with silence. Especially telling and damaging is the manner in which anything out of the ordinary immediately becomes "aberrant". It is instantly met with shaming, with public display of distaste and often with violence and hostility in general society. Rationality falls completely before the Temple of Sexuality: Augustine of Hippo (circa 350 CE) predicted and partly preformed this in Western Christianity. 19  119 Z e d , o n the other h a n d , e x p e r i e n c e d d e e p misery in the loss of his mother, but did not e n c o u n t e r sexuality until a n a g e appropriate point in his d e v e l o p m e n t a l c y c l e . T h e n h e had no g u i d a n c e e x c e p t his o w n strong a n d c o n f u s i n g , pre-teen lusty feelings a n d d e s i r e s ; a n d a group of b o y s w h o taught e a c h other all about s e x . M a t e r n a l figures (ie, his father's girlfriends) w e r e a s likely to c o m e to him for a d v i c e about father a s they w e r e to offer him n e e d e d c o m p a s s i o n a n d information about s e x . X e n o r e m e m b e r s no s e x u a l trauma in c h i l d h o o d , e x c e p t the o b s e r v a t i o n of his father's actions with mother a n d sisters. W e currently h a v e little idea of what effects this kind of a t m o s p h e r e h a s o n a y o u n g boy-child (Lew, 1990). M u c h h a s b e e n written about the girl-child, but little r e s e a r c h or e v e n descriptive narrative w a s found for the y o u n g male ( G o r c e y , S a n t i a g o & M c C a l l - P e r e z , 1986); G a n j e - F l i n g & M c C a r t h y , 1996). W e must a s s u m e that a child will learn by e x a m p l e , if n o other w a y is provided. H e learned that might m a k e s right; that w o m e n are there for t h e taking, a n d c a n b e u s e d a s he p l e a s e d . C h i l d h o o d sexuality is now, or is a g a i n , a c c e p t e d a s a given ( S z a s z , 1 9 8 0 ; K i n s e y , P o m e r o y & Martin, 1948, c h a p 5). It is no longer a m e d i c a l p e r v e r s i o n . 20  But c h i l d - s e x m a y still b e reacted to a s a moral or ethical perversion by adult c a r e g i v e r s ; w h e t h e r parents, d a y c a r e workers, friends or authorities (religious  Even Freud might have really believed this, as is demonstrated by Mason (1984), although he had to hide his opinions because of cultural prejudice and group fears of the medical profession that he longed to belong to. 2 0  120 figures, police, courts, or protective ministries). T h e medical argument m a y be c l o s e d , but the societal resultants are not. O n e of the m e n clearly demonstrated early childhood sexuality. A l l three of t h e m h a d c l e a r masturbation habits by the a g e of thirteen. T h e s e habits h a v e proven extremely difficult to c h a l l e n g e or normalize into a c c e p t a b l e sexuality. X e n o mingled s e x with v i o l e n c e by the a g e of e l e v e n or twelve, through s i m p l e o b s e r v a t i o n of his father. B o b u s e d masturbation a s a m e a n s of survival, a s a c o p i n g m e c h a n i s m to fend off the real or imagined d e m o n s of the hospital nights.  It  b e c a m e a habitual m e a n s of dealing with unwanted feelings, a n d eventually with a n y feelings for both m e n . Z e d u s e d masturbation to deal with his confusing d e s i r e s with respect to y o u n g w o m e n a n d p e r h a p s to c a l m s o m e of his pent up rage. H e still resorts to it a s a c o p i n g m e c h a n i s m with w h i c h to s t a v e off visits to strip parlours. T h e fact that t h e s e d e v e l o p m e n t s c a n be called 'normal' in s o m e s e n s e (ie, masturbation is not deviant, nor destructive; almost e v e r y o n e d o e s it at s o m e time) is not relevant to the narratives given.  T h e context of habit formation, a n d the  context of its u s e , deflected normalcy into addiction. A n d this addiction b e c a m e c e m e n t e d to the personality by s h a m e a n d terror in X e n o a n d by feelings of w o r t h l e s s n e s s a n d s h a m e in B o b a n d Z e d .  121 Addictive / C o m p u l s i v e PatternsInternalized fantasy s e x . All three m e n exhibited strong f a n t a s y w o r l d s involving sexuality a n d power. E a c h of t h e m d e v e l o p e d his o w n s o u r c e s , s t o r e s a n d patterns of imaginative fantasy life with w h i c h to fuel the s e x u a l addiction. S o u r c e s w e r e pornography, prostitutes, strippers or c o - w o r k e r s . M e n t a l stores of i m a g e s w e r e constructed into fantasy narratives a n d u s e d like b a c k g r o u n d m u s i c during adult s e x . W h e t h e r r e l e a s e / c l i m a x c a m e through masturbation, intercourse with a longer term partner, with a one-nite s t a n d , or with a prostitute, the s e x u a l lifestyle w a s f a s h i o n e d around a fantasy. T h e u s e of a l c o h o l by o n e or both parties to the s e x u a l acts further l e s s e n e d the immediate moral impact of what might otherwise be s e e n a s personally d e g r a d i n g activities. Morality is here taken a s c o n f o r m a n c e with culturally a c c e p t e d c o d e s of behaviour, often e n f o r c e d with p e r s o n a l or public s h a m e . Attempts at legitimization. E a c h m a n spent c o n s i d e r a b l e time, m o n e y a n d e n e r g y in trying to a p p e a r normal. T h e y u s e d dating partners, marriage, or s e c r e c y to m a s k the lusty addiction. Z e d tried the religious life a s a v e h i c l e for taming the b e a s t , hoping that discipline or c o n f o r m a n c e to a strict w a y of life w o u l d bring him relief. B o b , w h o is a l s o a working minister, d o e s not r e m e m b e r s o c o n s c i o u s a c h o i c e . H e s e e m s to h a v e relied o n alcohol for early relief from his p a i n s . X e n o relished his n e w found ability to pick up girls, but eventually found that it led him  122 n o w h e r e . T h r o u g h it all, he told himself they d e s e r v e d it for being m e a n to him a n d other m e n . D e s p e r a t i o n . A s e a c h m a n grew older, his life s e e m s to h a v e g o n e m o r e out of control. T h e s e x u a l patterns d e m a n d e d more a n d more of e a c h of t h e m , a n d they gradually had l e s s a n d l e s s to give. B o b ' s doctor c h a l l e n g e d him with d e a t h . Z e d c o u l d s e e his c a r e e r going rapidly terminating in poverty a n d s o c i a l failure. X e n o lost relationship after relationship, a n d found no satisfaction a n y w h e r e . H e s p e n t more a n d more m o n e y o n w o m e n a n d a l c o h o l . E x h a u s t i o n . B e y o n d d e s p e r a t i o n is simple e x h a u s t i o n . Either a m a n g i v e s up a n d lets himself slink a w a y into nothing: O r he g i v e s up the lonely struggle a n d s e e k s help. T h e help c a n be a counsellor, a self-help group, or a doctor. A t w e l v e step (i.e., S A A , or A A ) recovery program calls this help the higher power. A psychologist calls it P r o z a c or b e h a v i o u r therapy.  In e a c h c a s e , B o b , Z e d a n d  X e n o s o u g h t h o p e for recovery in the c o m p a n i o n s h i p of others. T h e y g a v e up trying to d o it a l o n e . Analysis of Recovery A s in the etiology of the addiction, e a c h pattern of recovery is unique but e a c h d i s p l a y s s e v e r a l definable turning points a n d plateaus. T h e s e points are d e s c r i b a b l e a s the beginning, middle a n d e n d in of the p e r s o n a l narrative of recovery. S i n c e w o r d s are critical to the d y n a m i c of narrative study the n a m e s of t h e s e turnings will be: realizations, beginnings, plateau of c h o i c e s a n d n e w -  123 m o v e m e n t s in life.  T h e s e n a m e s c o n v e y the patterns d i s c e r n e d in the study  cases. T h e s e w o r d s a r e plural a n d pluralistic, they p r o p o s e no simple e n d i n g s to the stories, only more m o v e m e n t . A n d m o v e m e n t in the lifestyle is critical to r e c o v e r y a n d e s s e n t i a l to f u l n e s s of life. Narrative retains the complexity of life, a n d s e e s reduction of complexities to statistical simplicities a s a n antithesis, rather than a n a n a l y s i s , of life. Life without its detail a n d r i c h n e s s is not life. It is m e r e e x i s t e n c e . M e r e e x i s t e n c e is the heart of addiction, not of recovery. R e a l i z a t i o n s . In truth, this s t a g e is a l r e a d y entered w h e n a m a n r e a c h e s t h e d r e g s a n d d r o p p i n g s of his addiction. It is b e g u n in D e s p e r a t i o n a n d c o m p l e t e d in Exhaustion. separated  21  Both addiction a n d recovery are part of life. T h e y c a n n o t b e and one tossed away.  T h i s is what the literature of A A a n d other  twelve s t e p g r o u p s calls 'hitting bottom', a s in a d e e p dive in a s h a l l o w p o o l . It m a y be the e x p e r i e n c e of utter degradation a n d depletion; or a n e x p e r i e n c e of fear a n d terror a s all of life's h o p e d for s u c c e s s e s a n d g o a l s float further a n d further out of r e a c h . T h e literature of A A a n d S A A s h o w s it to b e highly v a r i e d , p e r s o n a l . It is frequently d e s c r i b e d a s being trashed in the gutter, with n o n e to offer a n o p e n h a n d of f r i e n d s h i p . 22  If one were to accomplish such a separation I submit that the residue of the individual would be far from human. He (or she) would have no connection to the pathos, to the drama of their own life. There would be only the dreary now, much similar to the dreary now of the addict. This reminds me of the forward-movement-only attitudes of many religious fundamentalist groups. 21  Please don't confuse this with the life and position of every street person. Many are in this stage of life, but some are not. Others are on the street through no particular fault of their own, through 22  124 X e n o d i s c o v e r e d help in A A for his alcohol addiction. A t the s a m e time he b e g a n to learn a n e w w a y of life, but it did not e n c o m p a s s his sexuality. A s he b e g a n to realize that he w a s not making the progress he d e s i r e d , he a l s o d i s c o v e r e d that there w a s another twelve-step program w h i c h offered h o p e a n d r e c o v e r y from s e x u a l c o m p u l s i o n s .  In the p r o c e s s he resigned from the best job  he had e v e r h a d . S i n c e there w a s no available help w h e r e he w a s , he m a d e his d e c i s i o n a n d took a leap of faith right into a n e w city. B o b , o n the other h a n d , had first to empty himself of a l c o h o l through the mediation of a p h y s i c i a n . W e must not forget that B o b ' s father w a s a l s o a p h y s i c i a n . P e r h a p s s o m e paternal undercurrent of authority rested in this profession for him. O r p e r h a p s it w a s the realization that m e d i c a l s c i e n c e told B o b that o n e or two more b i n g e s w e r e all his body could handle. T h e result w o u l d surely be d e a t h .  W h e n B o b c a m e to part with his s e x u a l addiction the s p u r w a s  most directly through e x h a u s t i o n . In his very important w o r d s : "I simply had no e n e r g y to k e e p up the front a n y longer".  H e could s e e total p e r s o n a l a n d c a r e e r  destruction w h e n the front failed to c o v e r his c o m p u l s i v e b e h a v i o u r s . Z e d ' s realization c o m e s through the c o m b i n e d e x p e r i e n c e of a l c o h o l a n d 'lust', to u s e his term. It a p p e a r s to him in a m o m e n t w h e n he is w a n d e r i n g the R e d Light district "loaded a n d lusting after the girls o n the corners". B e h i n d the flush of p a s s i o n , he c a n a l s o hear the flush of his life a n d c a r e e r going d o w n the drain. H e  some colossal failure of social structures and life's ill humours.  1 feels himself o n the e d g e of a very slippery chute. H e k n o w s that all the p l e a s a n t looking s t o p s along the w a y offer nothing more than all the times he h a s tried before to c o v e r his pain with similar e n c o u n t e r s . T h i s m e m o r a b l e affair with his d e m o n p u s h e s him through his p e r s o n a l fears to s e e k c o u n s e l l i n g help a n d very shortly into S A A . R e a l i z a t i o n s c a n be intertwined, a l s o . Notice h o w Z e d s e e s his a l c o h o l i c a n d s e x u a l p r o b l e m s both at the s a m e time; "a double w a m m y " , a s he put it. B o t h X e n o a n d B o b a p p e a r to work through their problems o n e at a time. O n e might look at this a s a linear p r o c e s s ; first a l c o h o l , then a n g e r a n d s m o k i n g , then sexuality. H o w e v e r , I believe it is more appropriate to view this a s a cyclical p r o c e s s of unwinding the addiction spiral; e a c h spin of the c y c l e u n w r a p s another addictive outlet a n d brings the m a n c l o s e r to his buried pains. Beginnings.  Statistics gathered by C a r n e s (1991) s e e m to indicate that  a l c o h o l plays a n important part in mediating the effects of s e x u a l addiction. T h i s is the c a s e with e a c h of the participants of this study. Therefore, for e a c h m a n to get through his s e x u a l addiction to his primary life pains, to unravelling his lifestyle errors, he must first m o v e out of a n alcoholic stage. T h i s is o n e b e g i n n i n g . It c a n be s e e n in X e n o w h o must stop drinking s o that he c a n r e c o g n i z e his e x t r e m e interest in pornography. O r in B o b w h o sits a n d drinks coffee a n d s o d a , "with the girls virtually in his coffee cup". A n d with Z e d w h o s e e s both terrors at o n c e o n the dark, b a c k streets of a city.  126 R e s o l v i n g a l c o h o l problems almost a l w a y s involves work with A A or a similar p r o g r a m . T h i s work introduces the participant to group activities of a s o b e r nature, group activities w h i c h m a y lead to life e n h a n c i n g e x p e r i e n c e s rather than the life d e g r a d i n g e x p e r i e n c e s he h a s b e c o m e a c c u s t o m e d to. T h i s is another b e g i n n i n g , w h i c h c a n be s e e n in e a c h of the participant's c a s e s . W o r k i n g in a n d with the alcoholic recovery g r o u p s helps e a c h of the m e n build n e w levels of friendship with other m e n a n d w o m e n . T h e y learn to trust e a c h other a n d to learn from e a c h other's e x p e r i e n c e s . T h e y hear other stories w h i c h ring out the truth of their o w n hidden e x p e r i e n c e s . T h e y meet s o b e r p e o p l e with w h o m they c a n form n e w healthy relationships. B o b met his s e c o n d wife in this stage.  But his n e w partner w a s a l s o a fulfilment of his s e x u a l fantasy w o m a n . A n d  the results of this u n a c k n o w l e d g e d fantasy situation eventually led to a s e c o n d marital b r e a k d o w n . Isolation is a c k n o w l e d g e d a s a prime constituent of addictive life styles. Isolation is a strong force binding the s e x u a l addict to his full time pain a n d to his part time pacifier, s e x . S h a m e c o m p l e t e s the p a c k a g e by enforcing s e c r e c y . G r o u p work, in therapy or in self help programs, offers the participant a d a w n i n g a w a r e n e s s of life m o v e m e n t out of a l o n e n e s s into a safe t o g e t h e r n e s s .  It b r e a k s  up the lifelong walls of isolation a n d lets friendship s h i n e through. Z e d s e e s this n e e d by his a s s o c i a t i o n with other recovering addicts. But he d o e s not yet k n o w h o w to apply this to a relationship, or he d o e s not trust his k n o w l e d g e a s yet. H e is  127 afraid that the old hungers for lust will o v e r c o m e his growing urges for fulfilling c o m p a n i o n s h i p . H e is afraid that his n e e d s will o v e r w h e l m a friendly w o m a n . Healthy group activities provide a counter to this isolating s h a m e b a s e d lifestyle, a n d to the negative s e x u a l influences found in our society a n d culture. T h i s is d e m o n s t r a t e d in e a c h of the participants a s they work slowly into group p r o g r a m s of different sorts. B o b e s p e c i a l l y s h o w s this healing p r o c e s s through his c o n n e c t i o n to A A . B o b continues to s e e k activities w h i c h bring him into contact with other p e r s o n s , a s his post polio e n e r g y levels allow a n d require. Z e d struggles mightily with isolation. It is his most awe-full driving force. H e s e e s its b e g i n n i n g s in his c h i l d h o o d , but h a s not yet resolved his residual a n g e r from that time. H e k n o w s its d a n g e r , a n d feels it most strongly every other w e e k w h e n he is not actively parenting his s o n . X e n o knows of the d a n g e r s of isolation from his work in A A . H e is n o w making the c o n n e c t i o n b e t w e e n a l o n e n e s s , masturbation a n d s e x u a l c o m p u l s i o n s . E a c h m a n looks out carefully for the beginnings of the next s t a g e in w h i c h they might experiment with t h e s e valid h u m a n n e e d s . P l a t e a u of C h o i c e s . Z e d ' s narrative points straight to this resting p l a c e , although it c a n be found in e a c h of the participant's stories. P e r h a p s it is a natural outgrowth of being limited b e i n g s , with limited life e n e r g y (libido, a s F r e u d n a m e d it (Levine, 1995)). M a k i n g the transition from a n active addict to a 'recovering addict' t a k e s up a lot of that energy, a n d a varying amount of time. T h e term plateau of c h o i c e c o m e s from the broad literature of addictions. It is metaphorically e a s y to  128 understand b e c a u s e it e v o k e s i m a g e s of a place of rest, of fecundity a n d of restorative power. Restoration a n d creative power are exactly what w e find in the three narratives. T w o of the m e n r e m e m b e r e d "feeling immediately at h o m e " early in their S A A group a t t e n d a n c e . This plateau is a place full of like-minded a n d helpful p e o p l e . Z e d ' s narrative a g a i n points most directly to this resting p l a c e , b e c a u s e that is the point in w h i c h he is now struggling. T h i s is indicated w h e n he talks about "really working his program for what feels like the first time", or "putting s o m e real e n e r g y into staying sexually sober". It is a l s o indicated w h e n he b e g i n s to feel h o p e l e s s a g a i n , a n d to w o n d e r if there is a w a y out of the s e x u a l trap he finds himself in. B o b r e a c h e d a kind of plateau of c h o i c e w h e n he admitted in marital c o u n s e l l i n g that he w a s a n active s e x addict.  A s difficult a s this w a s , a n d a s  destructive to the marriage, it left him with time a n d s p a c e to a d d r e s s the particulars of his s e x u a l addictive behaviours. H e m o v e d out of hiding a n d into a time of p e r s o n a l reflection. It is u n c l e a r whether or not X e n o h a s r e a c h e d this plateau. His urgent h u n g e r for help brought him to this metropolitan a r e a . T h i s leap of faith c o u l d be a n e x p r e s s i o n of d e s p e r a t i o n , or a realization of great n e e d , or a m o v e m e n t o n the plateau of c h o i c e . T h e actions n e e d e d simply to survive a n d to rebuild a n active lifestyle in a n e w place with minimal r e s o u r c e s o b s c u r e d the c h o i c e plateau u n d e r a  1 c l o u d of dust. R e c e n t d e v e l o p m e n t s in X e n o ' s life indicate that he is just n o w m o v i n g out of a restorative time. H e is very c o m p u t e r literate, a n d h a s u s e d this k n o w l e d g e a n d his marketing s e n s e to build anti-pornography a n d pro S A A w e b sites o n the Internet. N e w - m o v e m e n t s in life.  T h i s stage is the beginning of a return to the  fullness of life. Frequently the return includes a w a r e n e s s of n e e d to learn w h a t might h a v e b e e n learned at a n earlier point in life. A d d i c t i o n is often d e s c r i b e d a s a m a k e - b e l i e v e life; a life b a s e d o n illusions"and hidings; a life at a standstill.  Sexual  recovery t a k e s o n n e w m e a n i n g w h e n the life-movement c r o s s e s from s e x u a l sobriety a l o n e to s e x u a l sobriety in a context of n e w relationships. X e n o is using his technological k n o w - h o w a n d his h u n g e r to m a k e a m e n d s for s o m e of his past mistakes. H e has constructed a W e b site a n d W e b r e s o u r c e s to offer alternatives to the growing m a s s of glitzy pornography o n the Internet. T h e s e alternatives include making S A A a publicly a c k n o w l e d g e d r e s o u r c e . Z e d u s e s m u c h of his time helping the d i s a d v a n t a g e d avoid addictions a n d a c h i e v e s o m e e c o n o m i c justice. H e h a s participated in building p r o g r a m s w h i c h help street p e o p l e a n d street prostitutes a c h i e v e safer lifestyles. His e x p e r i e n c e s h a v e s h o w n him that it is often not a s e a s y a s the A m e r i c a n s l o g a n : "Just s a y no." B o b is specially a w a r e of s e x u a l addictions u n c o v e r e d in the context of pastoral work. In addition to his duties within the structure of his c h u r c h , his s p e c i a l k n o w l e d g e a n d e x p e r i e n c e s help him in conflict resolutions a n d in unravelling  130 a b u s e c a s e s in the context of formal religion. H e a l s o w o r k s with the physically disadvantaged. T h e r e are creative s y n c r e t i s m s in this n e w - m o v e m e n t e r a . W h a t is n e w for o n e p e r s o n is not for another. A n d what path o n e c h o o s e s to follow, a n o t h e r cannot. "Two r o a d s diverged in a yellow w o o d  B o b is planning n e w things. H e  is hoping a n d working to k e e p the friendship of his former s p o u s e , without the b o n d s that tied t h e m into addictive sexuality a n d a l c o h o l . Z e d a n d X e n o long for a relationship w h i c h is o p e n , honest a n d sexually satisfying. T h e y h o p e to find a likem i n d e d partner. T h e y are actively looking, while trying to avoid the pitfalls that slide t h e m into f a n t a s y s e x a n d imaginary relationships found with prostitutes a n d in stripper b a r s . A l l three of m e n are a w a r e of a n d willing to brave the c o n s e q u e n c e s of living in a n e w s e x u a l universe. T h i s c a n be a universe w h e r e they m a y not.be fully a c c e p t e d by all b e c a u s e of their histories, a n d b e c a u s e of their current w i l l i n g n e s s to try n e w things. O l d styles of life led t h e m into d a n g e r o u s p l a c e s . N o w n e w w a y s must be crafted to guide t h e m maturely into future m o v e m e n t . P e r h a p s this crafting of p e r s o n a l m o v e m e n t is life.  131 C H A P T E R SIX. DISCUSSION  A n u m b e r of commonalities w e r e found during the c o u r s e of this study.  In  the a r e a of forming a n addictive lifestyle they are: that e a c h m a n underwent a precipitating event or trauma, that e a c h m a n had d e v e l o p e d a n addictive lifestyle of longstanding duration, a n d that e a c h m a n ' s lifestyle included a mixture of a l c o h o l i c a n d s e x u a l addictions. In the a r e a of recovery from s e x u a l addiction, patterns w e r e a l s o e n c o u n t e r e d . E a c h m a n m o v e d through a recovery p r o c e s s from s e x u a l addiction w h i c h included a realization p h a s e , a beginning p h a s e or set of b e g i n n i n g s , a plateau of c h o i c e s p h a s e a n d a n e w m o v e m e n t s into healthy lifestyles p h a s e . T h e healthy lifestyles p h a s e w a s c h a r a c t e r i s e d in t h e s e three c a s e s by s e e k i n g satisfying s e x u a l relationships, by being at p e a c e with o n e s e l f a n d by beginning to live a life consistent with o n e ' s personal ethics. Limitations of this Study A l l studies are bound by certain limitations. P e r h a p s the most significant in this c a s e is: W h y should w e believe t h e s e three m e n ? First of all, it s e e m s r e a s o n a b l e to c o n s i d e r that a m a n willing to s h a r e s u c h d e e p a n d penetrating stories with respect to his o w n life for no visible gain h a s little r e a s o n for telling lies. A n d the stories w e r e gathered separately, yet they d e m o n s t r a t e the similarities listed a b o v e . T h i s a l s o indicates that they c a n be safely t a k e n a s h o n e s t  132 narratives. T h e y m a y be partial tales, or e v e n distorted in p l a c e s , but no more than is e x p e c t e d in a n y h u m a n e n d e a v o u r . W e m a y a l s o a s k : Did the participants h a v e sufficient c a p a c i t y to articulate their true e x p e r i e n c e ?  Narrative r e s e a r c h requires well s p o k e n individuals. T h e s e  m e n w e r e solicited from the volunteers w h o c a m e forward for their verbal abilities. N o n e t h e l e s s , h u m a n beings are a l w a y s fallible. Within the b o u n d s of this h u m a n error, t h e s e m e n s e e m e d quite c a p a b l e of perceiving their o w n story a n d of s p e a k i n g it to others. A n d w a s the r e s e a r c h e r able to draw out a full a n d consistent m e a n i n g to the participants s h a r e d e x p e r i e n c e s ? W h a t might be missing that neither r e s e a r c h e r nor participants are a w a r e of?  T h i s question, too, is b o u n d e d by h u m a n error.  T h e r e s e a r c h e r ' s a n a l y s i s is presented here in a w a r e n e s s of the possibility of honest m i s t a k e s in interpretation.  It is available for review a n d correction by  interested r e a d e r s a s m a y be n e c e s s a r y . N o attempt c a n be m a d e at generalization. But the c o m m o n a l i t i e s reported here m a y eventually be s e e n in other studies, a n d thus help to construct a m o r e global picture of recovery from s e x u a l c o m p u l s i o n s . Implications for Theory T h e r e are few p s y c h o l o g i c a l theories pertaining to recovery from s e x u a l addiction. S o m e r e s e a r c h e r s attempt to m a k e a c a s e for C S B a s a p r o c e s s addiction, a n d therefore to extend p r o c e s s solutions to s e x u a l addiction. S u p p o r t  133 for the cyclical nature of addictions p r o c e s s c a n be s e e n in the story of Z e d . His attempts to m o v e himself a w a y from alcohol a n d strip bars with s o m e c o n s i d e r a b l e s u c c e s s , e s p e c i a l l y in w e e k s w h e n he is actively parenting his s o n . T h e n in the alternate w e e k s , a n d w h e n other stressors mount, he s o m e t i m e s e x p e r i e n c e s failures. T h e c y c l e of s u c c e s s a n d failure grows longer o v e r time; that is, the s u c c e s s e s are b e c o m i n g more frequent. His t e n d e n c y is to call this c y c l e norecovery, b e c a u s e he v i e w s his recovery a s a black a n d white event; all or nothing. E a c h time he fails he starts his recovery over. But the p r o c e s s v i e w w o u l d s a y that e a c h time he fails, he enters into a n e w c y c l e of further recovery. T h i s exhibits m o v e m e n t into a slightly higher plain e a c h time the c y c l e repeats. ( S e e F i g u r e 2; A d d i c t i o n C y c l e from C a r n e s ) T h e r e is a growing collection of information c o n c e r n i n g etiology of C S B . T h e descriptions presented by the participants conform generally to current work by C a r n e s (1991), C o l e m a n (1991) a n d others in this regard. F o r i n s t a n c e , s o m e form of early life t r a u m a pertaining to sexuality is postulated by C a r n e s a n d is present in two of the three study c a s e . B o b finds s o l a c e from polio in masturbation w h i c h quickly b e c o m e s a n ingrained habit. X e n o finds a s h r e d of self-worth in his abilities to pick up girls w h o are w o r s e off than himself, a n d then to m a k e t h e m suffer. T h e r e are m e d i c a l treatments relating to recovery from s e x u a l addiction Treatment using drugs s u c h a s anti-depressants a n d h o r m o n e control s u b s t a n c e s h a v e b e e n partially s u c c e s s f u l .  H o w e v e r , both kinds of treatments are destructive  134 of the quality of life remaining for the recovering i n d i v i d u a l . ' S i n c e a b r o a d r a n g e of potential for healthy lifestyles is exhibited in my three study c a s e s , r e m o v a l of healthy complexity from the lives of a n y of the participants w o u l d a p p e a r to b e a d e h u m a n i z i n g strategy for recovery. E a c h of t h e s e m e n is struggling to learn to live fully within the c o m p l e x structure of their current lives.  Ethical c o n s i d e r a t i o n s must  be seriously undertaken before s u c h side effects c a n be justified. A l l three participants s p o k e of very low s e l f - e s t e e m , s h a m e a n d isolation of s e x u a l activity into a private-if not f a n t a s y - s p h e r e of their lives.  T h i s is part of the  etiology of a n y addiction (refer to book o n Multi-addiction). R e c o g n i t i o n of this pattern in early life might be a m e a n s to identify addiction prone p e r s o n s . R e c o v e r y from this pattern might then begin m u c h earlier. But the u n a n s w e r e d q u e s t i o n is: W h o might be a b l e to identify a n d indicate s u c h a state? T h e r e are s e v e r e legal a n d cultural i s s u e s , a n d no clear a n s w e r s . M a n y addictions centred recovery g r o u p s ("Hope a n d R e c o v e r y " , 1987) a n d c o u n s e l l i n g centres r e c o g n i z e t h e s e patterns a s s o u r c e s of addictive living. T h e p r o c e s s of recovery indicated by the participants of this study t a k e s t h e s e negative characteristics of addiction a n d r e v e r s e s t h e m into healthy lifestyle traits. B y realization of their life plight, by beginning to m a k e c h a n g e s , by facing difficult plateaus of c h o i c e a n d by moving cyclically into n e w styles of life, e a c h of the participants g i v e s a living indication of h o w to recovery from s e x u a l c o m p u l s i o n s .  135 F o r instance, realization of the situation points the addict to the negative e m p h a s i s of his life. B o b r e c o g n i z e d that he w a s s p e n d i n g more a n d more time a n d e n e r g y hiding the biggest portion of his w a k i n g hours. Z e d found himself c l o s e to buying s e x from s o m e of the street p e r s o n s he daily s e r v e d . E a c h of t h e s e m e n survived the s h o c k of this realization. T h e y b e g a n to find w a y s to m o v e out of the traps of isolation a n d s h a m e . B o b m o v e into counselling for a l c o h o l i s m . A n d then in a c y c l e of realizations, he m o v e d into counselling for s e x u a l c o m p u l s i o n s . E a c h of t h e s e new beginnings w a s p r e c e d e d by a c h o i c e . T h e c h o i c e m a y h a v e r e a c h e d a plateau, a s it did for both Z e d a n d X e n o , into a longer period of time. But a g a i n , the cyclic nature of addiction a n d recovery is d e m o n s t r a t e d . E s p e c i a l l y Z e d s h o w s this, a s he vacillates from s e x u a l solutions for s t r e s s e s to other p h y s i c a l solutions s u c h a s running or s w i m m i n g . X e n o m a d e his first beginning by moving into a n entirely foreign place to attempt his recovery. E a c h of the participants h a s b e g u n n e w m o v e m e n t s into healthier lifestyles. B o b c o n t i n u e s c o u n s e l l i n g alcoholics a n d pastoral situations, but is a l w a y s careful to r e c o g n i z e a n d s e n d the sexually addicted to other s p e c i a l i s t s . Z e d struggles to integrate his realizations a n d beginnings within the d o w n - a n d -out population he w o r k s with. His recovery k n o w l e d g e s h o w s through in his daily work. H e a p p l i e s his p e r s o n a l ethic of being with his people into a living e x a m p l e of a s e x u a l c o m p u l s i v e struggling in recovery. X e n o h a s constructed a b u s i n e s s a r o u n d his  136 r e c o v e r y - a b u s i n e s s w h i c h r e s o l v e s s o m e of his financial problems a n d at the s a m e time allows him to offer help to others afflicted with the s a m e c o m p u l s i o n s . Implications for Counselling T h e b a s i c direction of counselling is to promote individual health. T h i s is a c c o m p l i s h e d by promoting healthy lifestyles, by helping clients to r e c o v e r or rebuild personally appropriate lifestyles. C o u n s e l l i n g is essentially a narrative activity, similar to the p r o c e s s of narrative r e s e a r c h . T h e o u t c o m e s of this r e s e a r c h might be u s e d a s a m a p for counselling m e n in the recovery p r o c e s s from compulsive sexual behaviours. In the first p l a c e , the narrative p r o c e s s itself g i v e s e a c h client a n opportunity to tell his story. T h e helpfulness of this e x p e r i e n c e w a s c o m m e n t e d u p o n by e a c h of the participants.  It is p o s s i b l e in our society that a m a n m a y n e v e r h a v e h a d  s u c h a n opportunity before. T h i s s e e m s e s p e c i a l l y r e a s o n a b l e w h e n m a n y of the details of a story are c o n s i d e r e d socially u n a c c e p t a b l e , a n d therefore h a v e little c h a n c e of being heard respectfully.  S u c h stories rarely c o m e out in c o n c i s e a n d  neatly ordered form, a n d therefore a ready m a d e structure would be most useful. A c o u n s e l l o r might u s e the p h a s e s s u g g e s t e d by this study a s a m a p p i n g s c h e m a u p o n w h i c h to gather the bits a n d p i e c e s of a client's story. T h e p r e s e n c e of s u c h a m a p m a y a l s o assist in providing c o u n s e l l i n g relevant to the individual client's position in the s c h e m a . H a v i n g s o m e s u g g e s t e d p h a s e s against w h i c h to c o m p a r e a single p e r s o n ' s story would hint at the p o s s i b l e  137 position of this client in a n overall m a p of recovery. N o p r e c i s e m a p p i n g or p r o g r e s s i o n of c o n c r e t e events is being s u g g e s t e d , but only a g e n e r a l structure within w h i c h a n individual client might be tentatively positioned. H a v i n g m a d e s u c h a n estimate, the c o u n s e l l o r would then be able to offer more helpful t e c h n i q u e s in line with the realizations or c h o i c e s or lifestyle recovery p r o c e s s e s that the client might probably be e x p e r i e n c i n g . If this venture w e r e s u c c e s s f u l , it w o u l d h a v e the a d d e d benefit of reducing false starts a n d d i s c o u r a g i n g blind alleys during the counselling process. It is k n o w n that group work with m e n t e n d s to i n c r e a s e the truth v a l u e of individual statements. C o n f u s i o n , lack of p e r s o n a l a w a r e n e s s or s i m p l e d i s h o n e s t y is l e s s tolerable in group s e s s i o n s .  T h e s u g g e s t e d m a p p i n g of recovery e v e n t s  c o u l d be u s e d to g e n e r a t e group counselling activities tailored to a particular p h a s e . A group of clients estimated to be in the s a m e p h a s e of recovery could be profitably h e l p e d into a n d through the s u b s e q u e n t p h a s e s by well structured activities.  T h e u s e of well monitored g r o u p s would verify the p h a s e structure or  a s s i s t in modifying it.  S u b s e q u e n t g r o u p s would benefit from earlier work.  S u r v e y or test instruments could be constructed b a s e d u p o n the p r o p o s e d p h a s e s of recovery. S o m e might be d e s i g n e d for u s e within a particular p h a s e . T h e s e instruments w o u l d at first a s s i s t in localizing a client within a g i v e n p h a s e . But a s the pool of information collected through t h e m grew, they w o u l d provide d a t a with w h i c h to verify or modify the original s c h e m a . T e s t instruments w o u l d  r i  • 138  a l s o provide a client with a less subjective view of his position in the c o u r s e of recovery. A c o n c r e t e alternate view of p r o g r e s s could be a key e l e m e n t in m o v i n g from o n e p h a s e to another, or might help alleviate debilitating d i s c o u r a g e m e n t created by being stuck o n a c h o i c e - p l a t e a u . O t h e r s u r v e y s could be constructed w h i c h would further define the characteristics of a particular p h a s e . T h i s information w o u l d be v a l u a b l e in targeting c o u n s e l l i n g interventions at specific bottlenecks of a client.  A n d more  information regarding p h a s e details could be u s e d to a u g m e n t c o u n s e l l o r training o n recovery from addictions. T h e p h a s e structure itself might m a k e a useful addition to c o u n s e l l o r training c o u r s e s . A s e s s i o n o n recovery i s s u e s for c o m p u l s i v e s e x u a l b e h a v i o u r c o u l d be constructed a r o u n d this structure a n d fitted into a g e n e r a l c o u r s e o n c o u n s e l l i n g practise, or a more specific o n e o n addictions c o u n s e l l i n g . T h e p a r a m e t e r s of healthy sexuality within a given cultural setting might a l s o be offered within s u c h a c o u r s e . T h e impact of participant's stories upon the r e s e a r c h e r g a v e c a u s e for him to carefully review the cultural trappings of h u m a n sexuality.  Personal values  clarification a n d breadth of viewpoints s e e m to be very useful starting points for training of s e x u a l c o u n s e l l o r s . Future directions R e s e a r c h o n m e n addicted to sexuality, but in non criminal situations, is lacking in the literature. This study could easily be applied to a larger population. A  139 s u r v e y of s e x u a l habits a n d preferences could be a d d e d to the narrative collection p r o c e s s . T h i s would eventually aid in constructing a data b a s e of life habits, conditions, historical m e d i c a l data a n d s o forth w h i c h might be useful in setting g e n e r a l p a r a m e t e r s to the C S B p r o c e s s .  R e s e a r c h e s o n the Internet indicate that  collections of narrative interviews of s e x u a l preferences d o exist in widely scattered l o c a l e s . It w o u l d be v a l u a b l e to bring this information together. S e v e r e m e t h o d o l o g i c a l constraints a n d c o n c e r n s for privacy a n d validity c o u l d m a k e s u c h a n e n d e a v o u r very delicate.  Interestingly, participant X e n o is a l r e a d y m o v i n g in  this direction, with little or no professional a s s i s t a n c e . T h i s study h a s identified s e v e r a l p h a s e s of recovery found in the participant narratives. 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Lafayette, C A : R e a l P e o p l e P r e s s . R o s e g r a n t , J . (1986). Contributions to psychohistory: X . Fetish s y m b o l s in P l a y b o y centerfolds. P s y c h o l o g i c a l R e p o r t s . 59(2, Pt. 1), 6 2 3 - 6 3 1 . S a l i s b u r y , J . E . (1992). C h u r c h fathers, independent virgins. England: Verso.  London,  148 S a n f o r d , J . A . , & L o u g h , G . (1988). W h a t m e n are like. N e w Y o r k : P a u l i s t Press. S e x a n d love addicts a n o n y m o u s . (1986). B o s t o n : T h e A u g u s t i n e F e l l o w s h i p , Inc. S h e p h e r , J . & R e i s m a n , J . (1985). P o r n o g r a p h y : A s o c i o b i o l o g i c a l attempt at u n d e r s t a n d i n g . Ethology a n d S o c i o b i o l o q y . 6, 103-114. S k i n n e r , B. F. (1971). B e y o n d f r e e d o m a n d dignity.  N e w Y o r k : Knopf.  S m i t h , T. A . , & W o l f e , R. W . (1988). A treatment m o d e l for s e x u a l a g g r e s s i o n . J o u r n a l of S o c i a l W o r k & H u m a n Sexuality, 7, 149-164. S p o n g , J . S . (1988). Living in s i n : A bishop rethinks h u m a n sexuality. S a n Francisco, C A : HarperSanFrancisco. S p o n g , J . S . (1991). R e s c u i n g the Bible from f u n d a m e n t a l i s m . Francisco, C A : HarperSanFrancisco.  San  S t e d m a n , T. L. (Ed.). (1982). S t e d m a n ' s m e d i c a l dictionary. ( 2 4 Baltimore, M D : Williams & Wilkins.  th  ed.).  Sterling, J . W . (1976) A n alternative model for treatment of s e x offenders. O f f e n d e r Rehabilitation. 1. 8 3 - 8 7 . Stoller, R. J . (1968). S e x a n d gender: O n the d e v e l o p m e n t of masculinity a n d femininity. N e w Y o r k : S c i e n c e H o u s e . Stoller, R. J . (1979). Centerfold: A n e s s a y o n excitement. A r c h i v e s of G e n e r a l Psychiatry. 36. 1 0 1 9 - 1 0 2 4 . Stoller, R. J . (1985). O b s e r v i n g the erotic imagination. N e w H a v e n , M A : Y a l e University P r e s s . Stoller, R. J . (1986). P e r v e r s i o n : T h e erotic form of hatred. W a s h i n g t o n , D C : A m e r i c a n Psychiatric P r e s s , Inc.. (Original work published 1975) Stoller, R. J . (1991). P o r n : M y t h s for the twentieth century. M A : Y a l e University P r e s s .  New Haven,  149 S t o l t e n b e r g , J . (1988). R e f u s i n g to be a m a n : E s s a y s o n s e x a n d justice. Portland, O R : B r e i t e n b u s h B o o k s , Inc. Stoltenberg, J . (1994). T h e e n d of m a n h o o d : A book for m e n of c o n s c i e n c e . N e w Y o r k : P l u m e , Dutton Signet. Story, M . D. (1979). F a c t o r s a s s o c i a t e d with more positive b o d y self c o n c e p t s in p r e - s c h o o l children. J o u r n a l of S o c i a l P s y c h o l o g y , 108, 4 9 - 5 6 . Story, M . D. (1984). C o m p a r i s o n of body self- c o n c e p t b e t w e e n s o c i a l nudists a n d non-nudists. J o u r n a l of P s y c h o l o g y , 118, 9 9 - 1 1 2 . S z a s z , T. (1980). S e x by prescription. L o n d o n : P e n g u i n B o o k s , Ltd. T a l m a d g e , L. D. (1938). C a s s e l l ' s Latin dictionary. Scribner's S o n s .  New York: Charles  T r a v i n , S . (1995). C o m p u l s i v e s e x u a l behaviours. T h e P s y c h i a t r i c C l i n i c s of North A m e r i c a , 18, 155-169. V o l a v k a , J . (1995). Neurobiology of v i o l e n c e . W a s h i n g t o n , D C : A m e r i c a n P s y c h i a t r i c P r e s s , Inc.. W e b s t e r ' s Online Dictionary. (1997). A v a i l a b l e at Internet: http://www.mw.com/ W e l l s , J . W . (1990). T h e s e x u a l v o c a b u l a r y of h e t e r o s e x u a l a n d h o m o s e x u a l m a l e s a n d f e m a l e s for communicating erotically with a s e x u a l partner. A r c h i v e s of S e x u a l B e h a v i o u r , 19. 139-147. W i l l i a m s , S . R., & A d e l m a n , P. W . (1978). Riding the nightmare: W o m e n a n d witchcraft from the old world to colonial S a l e m . N e w Y o r k : H a r p e r C o l l i n s . Wolf, S . C . (1988). A m o d e l of s e x u a l a g g r e s s i o n / addiction. J o u r n a l of S o c i a l W o r k a n d H u m a n Sexuality, 7, 131-148.  150  Appendices Appendix A 1 : A n understanding of Researcher Values C a r l R o g e r s w a s of the opinion in 1967 that few of us are truly c o n s c i o u s of our v a l u e s y s t e m s . In fact he b e l i e v e d , b a s e d upon his m a n y y e a r s doing p s y c h o t h e r a p y , that most p e r s o n s arrived at their value constructs a n d v a l u e s y s t e m s , simply by buying t h e m ; that is, copying t h e m from other p e r s o n s a n d the society a r o u n d t h e m . T h i s frequently c r e a t e s a d i s c r e p a n c y between what a p e r s o n is e x p e r i e n c i n g a n d what is held a s v a l u e s . R o g e r s believed that there r e m a i n s a "fundamental d i s c r e p a n c y between the individual's c o n c e p t s a n d w h a t he [sic] is actually e x p e r i e n c i n g , b e t w e e n the intellectual structures of his v a l u e s a n d the valuing p r o c e s s going o n u n r e c o g n i z e d within him" (p. 20). T h i s d i s c r e p a n c y is a l s o f u n d a m e n t a l to societal anxiety: that is, the e s t r a n g e m e n t of twentieth century p e r s o n s from t h e m s e l v e s . Rollo M a y (1967, c h a p . 1), in his d i s c u s s i o n of the h u m a n d i l e m m a , a l s o b e l i e v e s in the n e c e s s a r y inclusion of the valuing p r o c e s s in a n y understanding of the c o m p l e x h u m a n d i l e m m a . M a y s e e s the p r o c e s s a s f u n d a m e n t a l w h e n he writes: "I define anxiety a s the a p p r e h e n s i o n c u e d off by a threat to s o m e v a l u e w h i c h the individual holds e s s e n t i a l to his e x i s t e n c e a s a s e l f (1967, p. 72) V a l u e s a n d the valuing p r o c e s s are key c o n c e p t s for my study. It is p o s s i b l e to d e s c r i b e overall s e x u a l behaviour a s a c h o i c e of v a l u e s (May, 1967, c h a p . 5 ) . T h e valuing p r o c e s s is what c l a s s i c authors (e.g., A u g u s t i n e of Hippo a n d T h o m a s A q u i n a s ) called "the c o n s c i e n c e " . Application of c o n s c i e n c e , or v a l u e principles, to c h o s e n b e h a v i o u r s ("What shall I do or not do?") is a critical, often u n a c k n o w l e d g e d , part of e v e r y d a y life . E v e r y addict, a n d the s e x u a l c o m p u l s i v e is no e x c e p t i o n , h a s a set of v a l u e s w h i c h he or s h e struggles with, d r e a m s about a n d worries at, hour by daily hour. Life threatening addiction c o m e s w h e n c o r e v a l u e s h a v e finally b e e n buried d e e p e n o u g h in the p s y c h e to be out of play for most time. But this a g a i n sets up the d i s s o n a n c e of the h u m a n d i l e m m a , a n d in the addict's c a s e , initiates another cycle of addiction. 23  M y o w n v a l u e s are part of my belief s y s t e m , w h i c h informs my e x p e r i e n c i n g of the participant; but I must not u s e t h e m to interpret or j u d g e his e x p r e s s e d e x p e r i e n c e . In the sharing of the interview relationship, the participant h a s the  It is obvious to the learned observer that an assumption is in force here. I categorically reject the behaviourist simplifications of human life which attempt to reduce human choice and free will to stimulus response sets at biological and physical levels. (In this regard, also see Martin Buber, 1937, chap. 2 3  1-)  151 s a m e intrinsic worth that a n y p e r s o n h a s in a n y relationship. V a l u e conflicts will a r i s e but t h e y must not b e a l l o w e d to control the r e s e a r c h r e l a t i o n s h i p . 24  It is made clear in the documents initiating this study that the interviewer is not the participant's therapist. Although it may appear to the contrary sometimes in the course of the discussions, it is critical for both the researcher and the participant to realize that both have their own therapists for the specific ' purpose of separation. Further, this can be seen as protection against the charge that these investigations may be simple voyeuristic playthings. 2 4  152  Appendix A2: Personal Bibliography of Author's Position A d l e r , A . (1927). Understanding h u m a n nature. (W. B. W o l f e , trans.). N e w Y o r k : G a r d e n City Publishing C o m p a n y . A d l e r , A . (1980). W h a t life s h o u l d m e a n to v o u . N e w York: P u t n a m . (Original work published 1931). A l c o h o l i c s a n o n y m o u s . (1976). (3rd ed.). N e w Y o r k : A l c o h o l i c s A n o n y m o u s W o r l d S e r v i c e s , Inc. (Original work published 1939.) A n s b a c h e r , H. L. & A n s b a c h e r , R. R. (1979). (3rd ed.). Superiority a n d s o c i a l interest N e w Y o r k : Norton & C o m p a n y . (Original work published 1933). A n s b a c h e r , H. L. & A n s b a c h e r , R. R. (1956). T h e individual p s y c h o l o g y of Alfred A d l e r . N e w Y o r k : B a s i c B o o k s , Inc. Dreikurs, R. R. (1989). F u n d a m e n t a l s of A d l e r i a n p s y c h o l o g y , (reprint). C h i c a g o , IL: A d l e r S c h o o l of P r o f e s s i o n a l P s y c h o l o g y . (Original work p u b l i s h e d 1933). Ishiyama, F. I. (1995). U s e of validation in c o u n s e l l i n g : Exploring s o u r c e s of selfvalidation a n d impact of personal transition. C a n a d i a n J o u r n a l of C o u n s e l l i n g , 2 9 , 134-146. M a y , R. (1967). P s y c h o l o g y and the h u m a n d i l e m m a . P r i n c e t o n , N J : V a n Nostrand C o m p a n y M o s a k , H. H. (1989). A d l e r i a n psychotherapy. In R. J . C o r s i n i & D. W e d d i n g ( E d s . ) Current P s v c h o t h e r a p i e s (4th ed.) (pp. 64-116). Itasca, IL: P e a c o c k Publishers. N o u w e n , H. J . M . (1986). R e a c h i n g out: T h e three m o v e m e n t s of the spiritual life. N e w Y o r k : D o u b l e d a y , Image B o o k s . (Original published 1975). N o u w e n , H. J . M . (1990). T h e w o u n d e d healer. N e w Y o r k : D o u b l e d a y , Image B o o k s . (Original published 1972). R o g e r s , C . R. (1961). O n b e c o m i n g a p e r s o n : A therapists v i e w of p s y c h o t h e r a p y . B o s t o n : Houghton Mifflin C o m p a n y .  153 R o g e r s , C . R. (1965). Client-centered therapy: Its current practice, implications a n d theory. B o s t o n : Houghton Mifflin C o m p a n y . R o g e r s , C . R. (1980). A w a y of b e i n g . B o s t o n : H o u g h t o n Mifflin C o m p a n y . R o g e r s , C . R. & S t e v e n s , B. (1967). P e r s o n to p e r s o n : T h e p r o b l e m of b e i n g h u m a n . Lafayette, C A : R e a l P e o p l e P r e s s .  154 Appendix B: Required Participant Documentation 1. Invitation to Participate in Research R e q u e s t i n g m e n to volunteer for participation in r e s e a r c h 2. Research Consent Form Outlining r e s e a r c h , responsibilities of parties, legal requirements.  T h e d o c u m e n t s follow in the order indicated. S i g n e d forms are kept in r e s e a r c h e r s files, along with the t a p e s of the actual interviews. All will be d e s t r o y e d at the completion of this study.  156 4) Participants must h a v e a n o n g o i n g therapeutic relationship with a qualified p r o f e s s i o n a l , w h o will be notified of your participation in this study. 5) Participants must h a v e r e a c h e d a stage in their life journey at w h i c h they c o n s i d e r t h e m s e l v e s to be practising healthy sexuality.  Right of Refusal All participants in this r e s e a r c h project h a v e the right to withdraw from the project at a n y time. A t s u c h juncture, audio t a p e s , transcripts a n d a n a l y s i s pertaining to s a i d individual will be d e s t r o y e d . If y o u h a v e a n y interest in participation in this project, p l e a s e contact Mr. M u l d o o n - B u r r at the a b o v e p h o n e n u m b e r s . P l e a s e feel free to contact the D e p a r t m e n t or Dr. C o c h r a n if y o u h a v e any q u e s t i o n s w h i c h y o u d o not w i s h to a d d r e s s to the principle r e s e a r c h e r directly. Thank you.  158 T h e only e x c e p t i o n s to this a g r e e m e n t are those required by law: 1) a n y information indicating o n g o i n g a b u s e of a minor must be reported immediately to child protection authorities; 2) a n y indication of potential s e r i o u s harm to self or others must a l s o be reported. In the s e c o n d c a s e , the authority m a y be current p s y c h o l o g i c a l c o u n s e l ; e m e r g e n c y medical help or legal a g e n c y m a y be c h o s e n at the discretion of participant a n d r e s e a r c h c o u n s e l .  Right of Refusal A l l participants in this r e s e a r c h project h a v e the right to withdraw from the project at a n y time. A t s u c h juncture, audio t a p e s , transcripts a n d a n a l y s i s pertaining to s a i d individual will be d e s t r o y e d .  Consent T h e signature b e l o w indicates that this d o c u m e n t h a s b e e n r e a d , u n d e r s t o o d , a n d that a c o p y h a s b e e n received by the s i g n e e .  Participant  159 Appendix C : Data Collection Procedure  1. Initial S c r e e n i n g Interview. 2. O v e r a l l Life Story interview. . A non-scripted interview p r o c e s s . C o l l e c t i o n of o n e or two early recollections . Elicitation of life story with e m p h a s i s o n p e r c e i v e d situations, e v e n t s etc w h i c h are related to addiction a n d recovery. 3. R e v i e w of the a ud iota pe. 4. Partial draft of participant's narrative a c c o u n t extracting significant events/points w h i c h d e s c r i b e or otherwise indicate: • initiation of compulsive/addictive p r o c e s s ; • the s p e c i f i c s of the compulsive/addictive p r o c e s s ; • recognition of failure in compulsive/addictive p r o c e s s to meet participant's g o a l s ; • point at w h i c h sobriety s t a g e is a c h i e v e d ; • health recovery stage; • full healthy sexuality s t a g e . 5. C o n s t r u c t time line of e v e n t s . 6. Verification interview. A p p r o p r i a t e revisions. 7. Detail Narrative Interview (s) e x p a n d i n g " s e x u a l health recovery s t a g e " . 8. R e p e a t until satisfactory to participant: • verification of detail content; • revisions. Done. ( R e p e a t for e a c h participant)  

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