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A phenomenological study of an experience of intuition and its meaning for the individual Lee, Irene Suyin 1989

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A P H E N O M E N O L O G I C A L S T U D Y O F A N E X P E R I E N C E O F I N T U I T I O N A N D ITS M E A N I N G F O R T H E I N D I V I D U A L by IRENE S U Y I N L E E B.A., University of Western Washington, 1979 A THESIS SUBMITTED IN P A R T I A L F U L F I L M E N T O F T H E R E Q U I R E M E N T S F O R T H E D E G R E E O F M A S T E R O F A R T S in T H E F A C U L T Y O F G R A D U A T E STUDIES Counselling Psychology We accept this Thesis as conforming to the required standard T H E UNIVERSITY O F BRITISH C O L U M B I A February 1989 © IRENE S U Y I N L E E , 1989 In presenting this thesis in partial fulfilment of the requirements for an advanced degree at the University of British Columbia, I agree that the Library shall make it freely available for reference and study. I further agree that permission for extensive copying of this thesis for scholarly purposes may be granted by the head of my department or by his or her representatives. It is understood that copying or publication of this thesis for financial gain shall not be allowed without my written permission. Department The University of British Columbia Vancouver, Canada DE-6 (2/88) ii Abstract Over the centuries, various positions have been taken on intuition, its value and credibility. What has been lacking in the writings and studies has been an account of the lived experience of intuition and its personal meaning. The intuitive experience that was meaningful for the individual was studied through the existential-phenomenological method of research. Interviews were conducted with nine adult co-researchers. Each of these individuals had a significant intuitive experience and were able to speak about it with the researcher. The data were analyzed using Colaizzi's (1978) and Cochran and Claspell's (1987) format, resulting in an extraction of thirty-one themes that were woven into a common narrative. These themes were returned to co-researchers for validation and to sharpen the meanings. In general, intuitive experiences were found to be highly meaningful to individuals and to have had a lasting impact on their lives. iii TABLE OF CONTENTS Abstract ii Acknowledgements vi Dedication vii CHAPTER I - INTRODUCTION 1 Statement of the Problem 3 Purpose of the Study 4 Rationale 5 Significance of the Study 7 CHAPTER II - LITERATURE REVIEW 8 Philosophy 8 Classical Intuitionists 8 Contemporary Intuitionists 11 Psychology 13 Experimental Studies 16 Social Intuition 17 Clinical Intuition 17 Creative Intuition 22 Laboratory Studies 24 Recent Studies 25 Psychology: C.C. Jung 27 Contemporary Psychology 29 Humanistic Psychology : 30 Transpersonal Psychology 40 Mysticism and Intuition 45 iv Summary Discussion 47 CHAPTER 111 - METHOD 49 Co-Researchers , 50 Selection of Co-Researchers 50 Demographic Information 50 Phenomenological Interviews 51 The First Interview 51 The Second Interview 51 Analysis Procedure 53 CHAPTER IV - RESULTS 56 Summary of the Co-Researchers' Experiences 56 Formulation of Themes 62 Clusters of Themes 65 Description of the Themes 66 Before the Experience 66 During the Experience 68 After the Experience 76 The Narrative Description 90 The Essential Structure 97 N's Experience 101 CHAPTER V - DISCUSSION 104 Limitations of the Study 105 Theoretical Implications 106 Implications for Counselling 110 Implications for Future Research 113 Summary 114 Epilogue ;.115 V REFERENCES 117 APPENDIX A - Protocols 124 APPENDIX B - Introductory Letter 224 Consent Form 225 Questions to Co-Researchers 226 Second Interview Letter 227 Thank-you Letter 228 vi Acknowledgements No thesis is solely created by the author. Throughout the dark sea-journey, I have had fellow-voyagers. I wish to acknowledge the presence and support of my committee, Drs. Larry Cochran, Marv Westwood, and Jim McCullum, without whom the journey would have been very rough. My thanks to Larry in particular who often captained the ship, steered me through the reefs, and set me into calm waters with his wonderful humour, quiet reassurance and personal acknowledgement. I also extend my gratitude to my co-researchers, who were willing to share a significant life experience with me. Among my crew were my special Dromenon companions. They offered me food, drink, warmth, shelter, and much caring throughout this journey. Finally, I wish to thank my grown children, Brian and Sandra, for their encouragement and belief in me; and last and foremost, my partner and "soul-catcher", Douglas Rickson, who accompanied me totally and lovingly on this magnificent voyage. In honour of my parents: Anne Thelma Yip (1917-1986) and Yip Sai Cai (1907-1985) who made this journey possibl 1 CHAPTER I - INTRODUCTION The concept of intuition has been used to refer to many kinds of situations and experiences, from vague hunches to divine revelation. It is frequently associated with scientific discovery and invention, creative inspiration, problem-solving, extra-sensory perception, premonition, and religious experience (Vaughan, 1979). Broadly defined, intuition can be said to be a way of knowing without knowing how one knows. The basic notion of intuition is ancient. Over the centuries, human beings have had the experience of knowing more than they could understand rationally. Such unexplained knowledge was attributed to magical or divine abilities of special individuals and not considered a property of ordinary people. At the turn of the century, Henri Bergson (1911), a classical intuitionist, suggested that intuition was "the sympathy by which one is transported into the interior of an object in order to coincide with what there is unique and consequently inexpressible in it" (1911, p. 181). A narrower view later arose with the psychological studies (Sarbin et al., 1960; Westcott, 1968) that defined intuition as unconscious inference in which knowledge was "based on experience and acquired through sensory contact with the subject, without the intuiter being able to formulate to himself or others exactly how he came to his conclusions" (Berne, 1949, p. 205). With the developing humanistic view of the person in psychology and studies in consciousness, intuition broadened its significance. Marilyn Ferguson, in her popular book, The Aquarian Conspiracy (1980), maintained that intuition is not separate from the intellect, but is a larger realm that encompasses the intellect. She further stated that "the left brain can organize new information into the existing scheme of things, but it cannot generate new ideas. The right brain sees context - and, therefore, meaning" (p. 297). She advocated the pursuit of "whole-brain knowing" in which society accords equal status to insights of the creative, right hemisphere with information of the linear, logical left hemisphere. 2 Another viewpoint was taken by Deikman (1982). He suggested that intuition is a special kind of contact with ultimate reality in which the "knower becomes one with the known rather than observing it" (p. 55). This perspective aligns with that of mystical science in which the knowing is direct (intuition) and not mediated by reason or the senses. With the many perspectives of intuition in several disciplines, it is worthwhile to begin this study with the etymology of the word. INTUITION originates from the Latin "intuitio" the noun, or from "intueri" the verb. The "in" of "intueri" suggests "within", "inmost", "inner"; and "tueri" means "look at", "regard", "preserve", "guard". So far, the word connotes an observing or looking inside oneself, having a regard for or caring about oneself, or preserving and defending our inner self. Another possible point of view might be gaining knowledge from an inner source. The Concise Oxford Dictionary (7th edition, 1981) emphasizes the time element of intuition by using "immediate" in its three descriptions: "immediate apprehension by the mind without reasoning", "immediate apprehension by a sense", and "immediate insight". This dictionary states specifically that intuition can be experienced through the senses. From a philosophical viewpoint the term "immediate" also suggests without mediation or direct perception. The archaic definition of intuition is the "act of contemplating or considering" {Webster's 3rd New International Dictionary of the English Language, 1976). Besides being an "act or process of coming to direct knowledge or certainty without reasoning or inferring", and an "act of looking upon, regarding, examining or inspecting", Webster's (1976) defines it as "knowledge, perception, conviction gained by intuition", and "power or faculty of attaining to direct knowledge or cognition without rational thought and inference". The broader context of intuition as a critical human ability or capacity as a way to truth is noted. Further, one can assume that humans can develop and amplify this talent. 3 The last distinction Webster's (1976) makes is that of "revelation by insight or innate knowledge", information that is boldly illuminated. "Revelation" might suggest a religious or spiritual quality. In summary, intuition from its Latin roots means a looking within or having a regard or caring for one self or inner self. The current definitions describe it as an act or process of immediate knowledge or perception without awareness of rational thought. Intuition is further seen as a human faculty and method of attaining knowledge. It is also noted as a spiritual experience of knowing. The current interest in intuition has evolved from the humanistic psychology movement (Goldberg, 1983). There has been an ever-increasing pursuit of individual growth and a worldview shift in values. Our belief systems, our approach to knowledge, how we use our inner and outer resources have brought forth a renewed exploration and respect for our interior selves (Maslow, 1971; Van Dusen, 1972; Vaughan & Walsh, 1980; Deikman, 1982; May, 1983; Vaughan, 1985). Most certainly, the studies in consciousness (Ornstein, 1972, 1974; Tart, 1965, 1975) have provided another perspective from which to view intuition. Consciousness can be viewed metaphorically as levels and "higher" consciousness means functioning with access to more levels and expanded levels of mind. Intuition, then, can suggest living more in "higher consciousness". Statement of the Problem There is very limited recent research on intuition. A "family" of diverse and vague definitions and experiences have come under such designations as "preconscious concept formation", "preverbal concepts", "instinctive knowledge", etc. Direct reference to the concept has been avoided (Bastick, 1982). Allport(1965) stated that "the terminology 'intuition' is often avoided in psychology as it is a term carrying excess emotional freight" (p. 545). 4 The body of literature and research on intuition indicates it has not been explored as a significant lived human phenomenon. Typically, researchers have looked at separate features of intuition, but have never attempted to capture the total lived experience nor its meaning. In our everyday lives, judgments about people and events are constantly being made based on a hunch or intuitive sense, yet no close examination has been made of the lived experience. Furthermore, when intuition has been studied, a concept has been explained at the outset which is then used to understand the experience (Chinen et al., 1985). As a result, a limited view of the total experience has been seen. This study will attempt to change that direction: to examine the whole experience first, then to describe it later. In this way, the phenomenon of intuition, as it arises from the data, will include the essential characteristics of the lived experience of the individuals, as well as the meaning or essence of the experience for them. In psychological testing, the Myers-Briggs Indicator includes intuition as a valid construct, in spite of the fact that it has not been fully investigated. The instrument has been used and accepted as a measure of personality type for many years. There are many questions to be raised as to intuition's role in therapy, from both the counsellor and client's perspectives: What are the elements of an intuitive experience? Is it to be trusted? Should intuition be invited and encouraged? What does intuition add to people's lives? What is common among intuitive experiences that can provide meaning? Is there a place for intuition for those who do not value it at all? These and other questions need to be answered in order to determine if intuition has a role in counselling; and if so, what might that be. Purpose of the Study This study focuses on the phenomenon of the lived intuitive experience and attempts to derive the characteristics and the core meanings of this specific interval of experience using the existential-phenomenological method in dramaturgical or story form. 5 Rationale Intuition continues to be a mystery, an elusive and abstract ability that exists in every human being. Because of its many vague and broad interpretations, there has been inconsistent research on the subject. Since the 1960's, psychology has been moving from a natural science approach to that of human science - from the behavioral and psychoanalytic to the humanistic, and more recently, to a transpersonal view (Maslow, 1971; Wilbur, 1979; Deikman, 1982; Vaughan, 1985). As well as psychologists, social critics, therapists, anthropologists, and writers are including notions of nonrational knowledge and wisdom in their explorations and explanations of human behavior, creativity, communication, and other phenomena. At the same time, readers are eagerly discovering the many different theories and points of view on the subject. It seems clear that the general public and some segments of the intellectual community are open to listening to an explanation of the human mind that includes a nonlinear, nonrational component (Noddings & Shore, 1984). This movement can also be seen from another perspective. Rollo May (1967), speaking as an existential psychologist, states three aspects in which each of us finds his relationship in the world. The first is the environment, the "world-around"; the second is the world of our fellow beings, the "with-world"; and third, the world of our relation to ourselves, the "own-world" or "eigenwelt". It is this latter, the "own-world", the world of subjective inner experience, and the foundation on which we see the real world around us, that has been discredited and denied, and has resulted in a distrust of oneself and the "loss of the sense of reality of people's experiences" (1967, p. 7). To investigate the lived experience of intuition, an approach was required that "neither denies experience or denigrates it or transforms it into operationally defined behavior" (Colaizzi, 1978, p. 53). Further, the method must "remain with human experience as it is 6 experienced, one which tries to sustain contact with experience as it is given" (p. 53). One rigorous approach to the meaning structure of experience stems from existential-phenomenology. Existential-phenomenology is a blend of two disciplines: a) existentialism, a philosophy that "seeks to understand the human condition as it manifests itself in our concrete, lived situations" (Valle & King, 1978, p. 6), and b) phenomenology, "a method which allows us to contact phenomena as we actually live them out and experience them" (p. 7). Together, existential-phenomenology seeks to explain the essence or structure of human experience as revealed through descriptive techniques including a disciplined reflection, in other words, allowing "human experience to speak" (Colaizzi, 1978). This method assists in beginning to describe the "process of intuition" that Bastick (1982) claims is severely lacking in research. The basic premise of this approach is that the person and his or her world have no existence apart from each other, or "co-constitute" each other. It is through the context of one that the other exists and has meaning. Everyday human experience is composed of "lebenswelt", or life-world, a union of the individual and his/her world, and is viewed as the beginning point for researchers. Existential-phenomenology attempts to describe human life free of suppositions and preconceptions. Since this is impossible (it would be existential-phenomenology contradicting itself), the existential-phenomenologica! researcher must explore his/her own assumptions of the subject, "bracket" them, and adopt a detached viewpoint from which to explore the data. The goal of the existential-phenomenologist is to ask the question "what?" and not "why?", and to attempt to understand the phenomenon in its immediacy without concern for explanation, prediction or control. "Only that which has its base in naive experience is real, and therefore, only that which is revealed or disclosed as pure phenomena is worthy of attention" (Valle & King, 1978, p. 15). Whatever is revealed has many facets at different times. However, the phenomenon is seen to have the same essential meaning in many situations 7 over time. As an example, "being afraid" varies as to one's situation; we may be afraid of impending surgery, or from hearing footsteps on a dark street, or when awaiting news of our child's safety, or even watching our team play a crucial game. In this form of fear, threat is a common element in all instances; it is part of the "what" or structure of the particular phenomenon. It is this discovery of the structure that is the researcher's task. Significance of the Study This study contributes to the discipline of psychology by adding the existential-phenomenological description of the lived intuitive experience to its body of knowledge. Until the intuitive experience is fully explored and described in its fundamental form, research on intuition is limited. Intuition's role in therapy has been alluded to, but not clearly researched nor stated fully (Bastick, 1982). This study of the meaning of the lived intuitive experience will attempt to provide some clearer understanding of how intuition might be utilized clinically and some areas for further research. From the perspective of Jung's (1971) four psychological functions, intuition has been the most neglected and most generally suspect. Thinking and feeling modes have been the focus, and more recently, body and sensation (Goldberg, 1983). If intuition can assist us in discovering more of who we are, then it is essential that it be explored and studied. Lastly, this work also adds to the continuing studies on human consciousness. Here, intuition is equated with the receptive mode of consciousness (Ornstein, 1972). Society, as well as psychology, has valued the rational-analytic mode of functioning. If we are to live harmoniously as an individual and a society, it is necessary to integrate and balance our two modes of consciousness; this means giving equal merit to the intuitive-receptive mode. 8 CHAPTER II - LITERATURE REVIEW In this chapter, various perspectives on intuition drawn from the disciplines of philosophy and psychology are presented. The first section focuses on a brief description of the philosophical background of intuition as a way of knowing. Section two provides a survey of diverse psychological perspectives on intuition, which have ranged from quantitative scientific studies (Westcott, 1968) to more recent elaborations of intuition as a mode of mystical experience (Deikman, 1982). A broad overview of experimental studies done on intuition that follow the scientific approach is described first. Following is an explication of Jung's typology, with intuition as one of the four functions of personality (C.W., 1971). The humanistic and transpersonal viewpoints are then reviewed, following the writings of recent authors such as Maslow (1954, 1964, 1968, 1971), Vaughan (1979, 1980, 1985), and Goldberg (1983). Included in this section is a discussion of the recent studies in human consciousness (Ornstein, 1972, (1974; Deikman, 1966, 1974, 1980), which recognize the holistic quality of intuition and its complementary nature to rational thought. A summary discussion of the literature concludes this chapter. Philosophy The philosophical literature for classical theories of intuition describes intuition as a distinctive way of attaining a unique kind of knowledge, a knowledge of ultimates. It is necessary to begin the review in the philosophical domain, in order to look at the psychological viewpoint that emerged from it. Classical Intuitionists Philosophers have written about intuition as a way to attain perfect knowledge of ultimate reality, beyond the knowledge of the mind and the senses. This mode was 9 indisputable, and all other knowledge arose from this basic fact (Westcott, 1968). This ultimate reality consisted of the immediate presence of ideas and impressions which are the basic elements of consciousness, and only available through intuition. To illustrate the above, the theories of two philosophers will be discussed: Spinoza and Bergson. These two represent "classical intuitionism" conceiving of intuition as a special way of attaining implicit knowledge. Within these theories, the intuitive experience is outside the realm of ordinary human experience and it is rarely possible afterwards to describe or communicate the experience itself. Spinoza Spinoza's (1632-1677) work predated Bergson's by three hundred years. Intuition, for Spinoza, provided a superior way of knowing absolute truth. Intuition brought knowledge which was mystical: 1) knowledge which was a priori, without use of prior knowledge and reason, and 2) knowledge of the supernatural, of Cod (Spinoza, 1949). The truths gained through intuition were the fullest knowledge of the essence of a specific thing in all its uniqueness; in contrast to the knowledge of the abstract, gained through reason. This was "knowledge of" versus "knowledge about", truth attained directly from the object without the interference of reason. This absolute knowledge of the essense of a particular through intuition, brought with it a personal conviction of truth. Spinoza further stated that through intuition man has direct contact with ultimate truth, therefore, with Cod, since ultimate reality and truth are a total unified whole. Spinoza's view was that God, the universe, nature, ultimate reality were all elements that were in harmony with each other. Therefore, when one realized absolute truth, one realized identity with the other various aspects of nature, and in the ultimate, with Cod. Spinoza also had a high regard for reason, and saw it as the highest mental function, therefore it was intuition following the exhaustive use of reason that brought us to truth. It was intuition and reason in harmony, not in opposition. 10 Bergson Bergson's (1859-1941) theory of intuition focused on the pursuit of prime reality which he described as movement, change or flux. Man was blocked from this perception of ongoing happenings by the intellect which placed a "patterned immobility" (Bergson, 1911) on prime reality, of distortion, fragmentation and separation. Through intuition, man could attain what was lost; it was the function that directly experienced the perceptual happening and reawakened us to discover the fundamental truth of our existence. Bergson asserted that we can only come to really know a thing by entering into it. By entering its life, so to speak, we could identify fully with its uniqueness and touch its reality in an absolute way. He defined this as "a sympathy whereby one carries oneself into the interior of an object to coincide with what is unique and therefore inexpressible in it. Analysis, on the other hand, is an operation which reduces the object to elements that are known and that the object has in common with others" (p. 181). He further added that the intuitive approach is different and "superior" to the analytical one because it had the added faculty of gaining knowledge in another way, that of unmediated apprehension. A simple analogy might be the difference between knowing a city through reading, seeing pictures and maps, hearing its music and sounds, versus knowing this same city by actually living in it. Bergson viewed intuition as a private, experiential event, uncontaminated by reason and logic. He did allow, however, an "ultra-intellectual intuition", which was a synthesis of several intuitions. The intellect translated it into a new form or concept before it was communicated, in this instance, Bergson gave weight to the rational and deductive elements working in conjunction with intuition. Summary Both Spinoza and Bergson believed that intuition provided the greatest avenue for the discovery of man's nature and ultimate truth. Intuitive knowledge was viewed as knowledge of experience in a realm different from the knowledge and realm of facts. For Bergson, one 11 entered into the life of something through empathy and identification to gain its ultimate truth. For Spinoza, intuitive knowledge was mystical, it was our bridge to knowing Cod. In both Spinoza's and Bergson's views, the intellect and reason must be put aside for intuition to occur, but also, intuition was in close relationship to reason. For Bergson, intuition preceded the use of reason which then was shaped into a concept. For Spinoza, reason must be exhausted, then abandoned, before intuition could occur. Neither view found intuition alone sufficient for a way of life, nor reason alone adequate in the quest for truth. Contemporary Intuitionists The next group to be considered was greatly influenced by the rise of analytical philosophy and positivism (extreme empiricism) and expressed more caution in stating its views. Westcott named three philosophers representing "contemporary intuitionism": Stocks (1939), Ewing (1941) and Bahm (1960). Bahm's three types of intuitions will be mentioned to provide a structure for understanding intuitive knowledge. They are based on immediate apprehension: objective intuition (of external objects), where one has an instinctive sense about some particular outside oneself; subjective intuition (of the self), where one senses an insight or knowing about oneself; and organic intuition (of object and subject together), where one has an inner awareness about self that is associated with a situation or thing outside self (Westcott, 1968). The contemporary intuitionist position is that intuition is an immediate apprehension of limited basic truths applied to intellectual problems. These basic truths refer to elementary truths such as deductive logic, mathematical concepts, and causality. These truths are the foundation for our reason and intellect. Such truths are self-evident and intrinsically true; they cannot be proven, they must be seen. Intuition, then, becomes the basis for all inductive and 12 deductive knowledge. However, here we are not dealing with absolute truth, as are the classical philosophers, but with "justifiable belief", which is subject to error (Westcott, 1968). Differences of the Two Schools The "direct experience of ultimate reality" of the classical intuitionists' position has been reduced to that of the contemporary intuitionists. The latter group argued that intuition was "immediate apprehension of a justifiable belief, not subject to direct proof, but based on prior knowledge and experience, and is self-evident" (Westcott, 1968, p. 20). 20). Truth is seen as absolute by the classical intuitionists, while truths are applied and used in terms of the intellect by the contemporary group. The latter position is more conservative and cautious. One can see the beginnings of the scientific and analytic influence in the contemporary approach. Summary The classical position of the philosophical intuitionist states that there is a distinctive route to a unique kind of knowledge. This knowledge is not based on previous knowledge, is non-sensory, nonempirical and nonverifiable. It is knowledge of mystical truths and is absolute. There are three criteria of its truths: 1) it is intuited knowledge thus true by definition; 2) the knowledge gained by intuition fits perfectly with all other knowledge; and 3) it is accompanied by personal and subjective feelings of certitude and joy. Generally, the kind of knowledge gained in this way stays within the realm of individual subjective experience. A large proportion of this attained knowledge is never communicated, thus never externalized or given objectivity, and is rarely translated into everyday terms of logic and experience. Classical intuitionism does not generate consequences understandable to most persons. The contemporary intuitionist position is cautionary. The truths derived from intuition result from intellectual deduction and logic, and even if nonverifiable, must be seen. In both viewpoints, isolated aspects of intuition have been emphasized, thus losing the totality of the intuitive experience. 13 Psychology In the discipline of psychology, there are several positions from which intuition is viewed. The empiricist perspective originates in the theory of knowledge just surveyed in the contemporary intuitionists section. Another position of intuition in psychology is voiced in Carl G. Jung's theory of personality. More recently, a third perspective has emerged in which intuition is viewed as a mode of consciousness other than rational and logical, and one that involves bimodal consciousness and altered states of consciousness. In a thorough review of the psychological literature on intuition, Bastick (1982) numbers twenty properties of intuition and insight, charts the number of references to them in the literature and discusses in depth the interrelationships of the properties. He names the twenty characteristics of intuition as follows: 1 Quick, immediate, sudden appearance 2 Emotional involvement 3 Preconscious process 4 Contrast with abstract reasoning, logic, or analytic thought 5 Influenced by experience 6 Understanding by feeling - emotive not tactile 7 Associations with creativity 8 Associations with egocentricity 9 Intuition need not be correct 10 Subjective certainty of correctness 11 Recentring 12 Empathy, kinesthetic or other 13 Innate, instinctive knowledge or ability 14 Preverbal concept 15 Global knowledge 16 Incomplete knowledge 17 Hypnogogic reverie 18 Sense of relations 19 Dependence on environment 20 Transfer and transposition (Bastick, 1982, p. 25). 14 The eight properties with the largest number of literature references are numbers: 4 Contrast with abstract reasoning, logic, or analytic thought (16 references) 18 Sense of relations (16) 11 Recentring (13) 5 Influenced by experience (12) 2 Emotional involvement (10) 3 Preconscious process (10) 10 Subjective certainty of correctness (8) 15 Global knowledge (8) (Bastick, 1982, p. 50). Each of the above properties are explained in turn: 1. Contrast with Abstract Reasoning, Logic, or Analytic Thought What the researchers and writers seem to be saying is that intuition most often defies reason, analysis and logic. "Analytic thought is based on detailed defined relations between two elements at a time. Intuitive thought is based on an emotional state associated with all the elements in the field of knowledge (overall impression)" (Bastick, 1982, p. 61). In intuition, elements of the experience are related by their associated feelings being congruent with the overall emotional state. These elements are related by a common subjective feeling, not by logic. This coincides with intuitive persons being emotionally more variable and more tolerant of logical ambiguity. 2. Sense of Relations Sense of relations refers to the emotions that are associated with the perceptions of the elements of the intuitive experience. These feelings are interdependent with mood and dependent on environment and often upon reproduced kinesthetic sensations. A simple example Bastick presents is the image of "iron clouds" which literally are clouds of iron. Iron is a cold, hard metal, and clouds are white, puffy masses in a blue sky - the two are intuitively unrelated. However, if the sense of iron is changed to iron-colour grey, heavy and cold, and clouds are altered to dark, threatening thunder clouds heavy with rain, then "iron clouds" are congruent, and both become associated with a common emotional experience, and convey a intuitive sense of relation. 15 3. Recentring Recentring "is a change in the structure of the subjective relationships between elements associated with an emotional set" (p. 76). In other words, a fixed emotional pattern suddenly alters when a new element is incorporated, or when the elements are seen from a different perspective. 4. Influenced by Experience This next property is the influence of experience. Intuition can be triggered by specific objects/events through empathic experience of them. Bastick says that the reproduced kinesthetic sensations bring back the original experience and gives meaning and context to a situation. So intuition relates past and present experience. 5. Emotional Involvement Emotional involvement comes about from perception of, or empathic projection with, either external or internal stimuli. When two emotional responses compete for control of the individual, tension results which initiates the intuitive process. 6. Preconscious Process Another term for preconscious process is incubation. This implies that the intuitive • processing is going on out of awareness and as a result of the unconscious processing the intuition comes to light fully formed. Bastick suggested that the usual scenario is that the individual has immersed himself in the problem but is unable to find a solution, so puts it aside. Some time later he suddenly becomes aware of the problem and its solution. 7. Subjective Certainty of Correctness Subjective certainty of correctness is based on feelings and incommunicable evidence. Bastick approached this issue by stating it as a reduction in anxiety during the intuitive experience, as monitored by changes in GSR (galvanic skin response), heart rate, and respiration. Confidence is also measured by self-report along with the physiological measures. 8. Global Knowledge The intuitive process involves global perception of all the relevant information which 16 includes the whole information field of both external and internal stimuli. Intuition involves general feelings and associated ideas, which contrasts with the analytic mode in which information is used part by part. The global non-linear internal representation of information in intuitive processing naturally favors imagery and visual fantasy against verbal representation. With the various properties of intuition in mind, we can now go on to look further at the studies themselves. Experimental Studies Like philosophy, psychology was heavily influenced by empiricism in the name of behaviorism. With this influence, "empirical" took on another meaning of "experiment" rather than "experience", though intuition continued to be seen as a way of knowing (Romanyshyn, 1975). Therefore, the psychological research on intuition that followed was based on quantitative methods where intuition was measured in behavioral terms (Westcott, 1968). Helmholtz was one of the first psychologists to define intuition as unconscious inference, suggesting that the outcome was from the same process as conscious inference (Westcott, 1968). This view of intuition as unconscious inference continues to hold prominence to the present time. The process is described as follows: there is a subliminal intake of information that is processed outside of personal awareness; suddenly the synthesized material comes to consciousness and with the aid of reason, the intuitive knowledge is recognized. Bastick (1982) termed this event "preconscious" processing in which the conscious products of information are gathered and processed subconsciously. Other researchers (Berne, 1977; Westcott, 1968) apply the term "unconscious inference" to the above process. There have been several major areas of research on intuition, however, because of the limitations of this study, only three will be discussed: social intuition, clinical intuition and creative intuition. Although they are noted separately for clarity, they are similar in that they 17 are based on an empirical perspective, have a similar methodology and an assumed definition of intuition as unconscious inference. Social Intuition In the 1920's and 30's, research studies on intuition were broadly called studies of "good judges of personality", "social perception", "interpersonal perception", and so on. Few writers used the term "intuition" itself. One study (Valentine, 1929) explored the hypothesis that women used intuitive judgments of character more than men in interactions with children; the data did not support the hypothesis. Another study of interpersonal judgment (Vernon, 1933) found the field of social relations too broad either to state specifically that particular individuals could judge others well, or traits well, across every situation. For example, an individual may be able to appraise the sociability of a person well, and fail at judging his artistic ability, while another may be successful on both these with one subject, and fail on both with another subject. There was a gap of twenty years before another study of social perception under the heading of "intuition" was carried out. The following studies, "the perception of persons" (Bruner and Taiguri, 1954), "the ability to judge people" (Taft, 1955), and "interpersonal perception" (Cline, 1964), have not clarified the elements involved in the ability to judge others, but are agreed that it is a rather complex skill that requires further research. Clinical Intuition The contemporary cognitive theorist's view of intuition frequently refers to the process of rapid classification of a stimulus situation, and the equally rapid classification of that event, even when the characteristics are not blatantly apparent. The inferential process includes the elements of the event and the perceiver's coding system. This is similar to Bruner's (1973) "going beyond the information given". This inferential processing is the basis for many research studies of clinical intuition - the process of psychological interpretation by clinicians of their clients (Berne, 1949, 1955, 1962; Szalita-Pemow, 1955; Hathaway, 1955). 18 Berne, Berne maintained that basic and general knowledge about another person can surface through intuition, but conscious deductions must be made to reach specific behavioral predictions. Berne's series of papers (1977) were based on his personal psychiatric experiments in the military to identify the kinds of cues he used in diagnosis and other clinical concerns. He came to a definition of intuition using a sense-data inferential approach wherein Things are being "automatically arranged just below the level of consciousness; "subconsciously perceived" factors are being sorted out, fall "automatically" into place, and are integrated into the final impression which is at length verbalized with some uncertainty. (Berne, 1977, p. 26) He also concluded that what is intuited is different from what the "intuiter" verbalizes as their intuition, that the ego translates the perceptions into a judgment of the reality situation. Another conclusion from his studies indicated that eye movement and periocular muscles provide clues revealing the subject's attitudes toward a difficult life situation, whereas muscles of the lower face and mouth seem to give clues about the individual's instincts and their changes. Berne was one of the earlier researchers to relate specific physical cues that are "read" by the clinician. Berne developed his studies further, believing that intuition was an archaic faculty, similar to the Freudian archaic ego; however, he chose to view the aspects of id, ego, and superego from the functional origins of archaeopsychic, neopsychic or exteropsychic. These three states later became the basis of his Transactional Analysis Theory ego states of Child, Adult and Parent. What he discovered in his studies was that intuition operated at its best when the child state predominates. This coincides with others' assertions (DeSanctis, 1928; Jung, C.W. 6, 1971) that children, primitive societies and those freed of social sanctions (e.g. schizophrenics) can access their intuitive abilities more easily when there is no interference of factors such as parents and logical thinking (Berne, 1977). 19 Berne asserted the necessity for a clear separation among the three ego states for clinical intuition to operate successfully. The archaeopsyche (Child) must function freely for a time to observe and integrate the data without influence of logic or ethics. The impressions then are translated by the neopsyche (Adult) into clinical language, and influenced by the exteropsyche (Parent) for the client's benefit. In other words, intuition and reason must work together. Hathaway. Hathaway (1955) defined clinical intuition as ...the inferential process producing clinical inferences made by a percipient or receiver person relative to a target person in which the inferences have their source in cues or cognitive processes that percipient is unable to identify or specify with satisfactory completeness....Intuition is involved either when the available information seems inadequate to produce the inferences drawn by the recipient or when the integrative powers of the recipient seem to exceed ordinary rational analysis (p. 233). Hathaway identified three kinds of clinical inference: 1) based on item-by-item observation, with the help of guidelines as what to look for; 2) based on broader classification games and finer observations; and 3) based on positive or negative projection. These are theoretical classes of inference, and he further postulates the existence of a fourth class - pure intuition - in which "inferences are made in the absence of any recognizable mode of communication" (p. 229). This class of intuition only exists because we have "failed in our search for mechanisms" to identify it while other writers "are willing to invoke the unconscious" (p. 230). Hathaway suggested that if relevant data on intuition were available, it would be found that empathy and projection were equivalent aspects of intuition. "It is possible, however, that some features of all empathy, projection, and the like, would turn out to be intuitional if the pertinent data were available" (p. 224). This involvement of empathy 20 and projection in the intuitive process is a temporary identification with the objects or persons to which the intuition is applied. DeSanctis. DeSanctis' work between 1912 and 1927 indicated the presence and superiority of intuition in the young and mentally disabled over individuals with complete development of logical thought (Westcott, 1968). He argued that this must be considered in our educational system for normal and abnormal people. Referring to his definition of intuition as "an immediate act of cognition", one concludes then that intuition for the young and mentally disabled is a rapid global apprehension rather than a logical operation. Chinen, Spielvogel, and Farrel. A more recent clinical study is included in this section, although it is not in the category of intuition as inference. This research by Chinen, Spielvogel and Farrel (1985) consisted of Freudian and Jungian analysts making up two-thirds of the subject group, while senior-level executives comprised the other one-third. The objective of the research was to investigate the process of intuition and to determine how these individuals used intuition in their work and personal lives. The subjects were personally interviewed, asked to described their experiences of intuition, when they occurred, how they were different from guesses, and how they used them in their work. What they discovered was a wide "family of experiences" amongst all subjects, and a consistent kind of intuition and a limited number to each individual. Quantitative analysis show that 50% of the subjects described images as the medium, slightly less than 50% cited feelings and 33% reported physical sensations as the medium. Analysts stressed the importance of "empathic intuition" in monitoring the therapy and understanding their clients' processes. Deeper kinds of experiences are called "merging" experiences in which the analyst "felt temporarily merged with the analysand, momentarily dissolving ego-boundaries" (1985, p. 190). The authors call these merger intuitions "telepathic", and name them so, "recognizing the risk of professional scandal for the term" (p. 21 190). In a similar vein, there are reports that "tumbled into the domain of the parapsychological", such as the example of a subject who heard a voice telling her of her father's death, and then later received a telephone call confirming this event. A third type of deep intuition is mentioned in which synchronicity appears evident. These situations were accepted as credible because the subjects named them synchronistic although Chinen et al. suggested the purists might think otherwise. Some differences are worth noting: the findings indicate that women more frequently experience merging and synchronicity events. The authors also found that intuition appears to increase with age, perhaps due to an increasing trust in one's hunches in mid-life and more accurate and frequent insights. Furthermore, intuition becomes deeper with age (might this be because one is more open to the child within?); there are more merger experiences and they involve telepathic aspects. The authors note that some of the developments stem from ongoing psychological growth, and citing Jung's own life and research in this area, report that "adults do indeed evolve from abstract, rational and scientific thinking to more complex, integrative approaches, characteristic of intuition" (1985, p. 194). Three steps are involved in the intuitive process: 1)Attunement - being relaxed and open, and involved with the person or problem; 2)Articulation - the elaboration of some kind of symbol representing the situation; and 3)lnterpretation - deciphering the symbol (and for the analysts, having some evidence for the intuition before using it). In this process, both rational mind and intuition are necessary. These interesting final comments come from the study: More commonly, individuals considered intuition to be normal, useful and important to them personally, but slightly embarrassing, its use certainly not to be discussed. Psychological experiments corroborate the existence of such reticence....intuition shuns public exposure. (Chineen et al., 1985, p. 192). 22 It appears that even in the 1980's, intuition is still seen as questionable, and something to be hidden, even amongst psychotherapists. Creative Intuition Because the term "creativity" can be as vague and general as "intuition", establishing an association between them becomes very complicated. Operational definitions of creativity are often not relevant to intuition. In this discussion then, creative intuition is limited to the kind of sudden, spontaneous inner knowing or inspiration that produces something new, whether it be a poem, scientific breakthrough, or musical composition. Intuition and creativity have many similar properties in common and are often seen as identical. For some, intuition is different from, but essential to creativity in specific fields (e.g. painting, literature, science, and mathematics). Four phases of the creative process are recognized in the literature: "...preparation, incubation, illumination and verification" (Clinchy, 1975, p. 50). The creator begins with a high degree of knowledge of his field, be it science or the arts, along with a motivation for discovery. This interest in discovery starts the process and continues at every step of the way. During the process the creator engages in a good deal of fantasy and daydreams, relating "elements in his free-flowing thoughts to the dramatic themes, characters, situations, or to the visual forms, sound patterns, theoretical issues, and mathematical formulae he is struggling with" (Rothenberg, 1979, p. 130). Accompanying this creative fantasy is a heightened sense of consciousness, a quality of intensity, of increased comprehension and perception, and a freedom from the boundaries of time and space. The creative process moves from disorder to illumination, to clarification, and finally to order when the creation is experienced, and perhaps expressed (Rothenberg, 1979). In scientific discoveries, intuition has been well documented: Pasteur's discovery of immunology in a sudden moment of understanding; Cannon's theory of the flight-fight syndrome coming to him during a restless sleep; von Kekule's discovery of the formulation of the ring structure of the benzene molecule after a sudden visual experience; and Darwin's hypothesis of natural selection as a flash of intuition. "Typically, a leap of thought occurs in 23 the course of an investigation, often accompanied by a subjective sense of certainty, and subsequently it is submitted to verification through working out of equations, observation, or experimentation" (Rothenberg, 1979, p. 105). Jung viewed creativity as the great surging forth from the depths of the unconscious, this "night-side" of life (Singer, 1979). Artists, visionaries, poets and often people from non-literate cultures are more open and willing to attend to the messages that the unconscious sends forth. Our civilized brain has been shaped to filter out stimuli that are dissonant and frightening, so one does not easily access, let alone attend, to these creative impulses that come from the unconscious. The primordial experience is the source of (the poet's) creativeness, but it is so dark and amorphous that it requires the related mythological imagery to give it form. In itself it is wordless and imageless...lt is nothing but a tremendous intuition striving for expression. It is like a whirlwind that seizes everything within reach and assumes visible form as it swirls upward. (Jung, 1966, p. 95). The intuitive act of discovery is also involved in art. It is common for musicians and artists to report hearing or seeing their work as auditory or visual images before expressing or giving them a form which can then be communicated to others. Intuition is also involved in the artist's creative process of the "rightness" of a color or shape, or the musician's "rightness" of a series of notes or sounds. This link between intuition and creativity appears in the major human achievements of our time which involve intuitive leaps of imagination. It is the intuitive, holistic, pattern-perception faculties associated with the brain's right hemisphere that provide new truths and expand the body of knowledge (Vaughan, 1979). 24 Laboratory Studies Westcott. In the 1%0's, Malcolm Westcott conducted laboratory studies on intuition. His approach was empirical and scientifically oriented. According to Westcott Intuition can be said to occur when an individual reaches a conclusion on the basis of less explicit information than is ordinarily required to reach that conclusion ...Such a definition is at a purely behavioral level and represents elements which are all potentially measurable....does not specify the fact or role of consciousness or unconsciousness, logic or allo-logic, primary or secondary processes in the attainment of intuitive conclusions, but it does allow for all of these" (1968, p. 97). Westcott's research based on his definition of intuition will be briefly described. In his first study, a situation was provided in the laboratory in which individuals tried to reach conclusions or solve problems, with the aid of varying amounts of information. He developed a way of measuring how much information a subject required, how much was ordinarily required and finally, a solution that was consensually valid. However, was this a study of intuition? In Westcott's view, and in line with his definition, it was, but it would seem that this research would more appropriately fit the study of the rational problem-solving process. Another project studied "perceptual inference" in children using simple coloring book pictures traced in repeatedly increasing degrees of completeness. For example, a series of drawings of a single picture had #1's tracings in #2 with some additions, #3 contained #1 and #2, with more additions, and so on until the drawing was finally complete. The task was to identify the picture with as few details as possible (p. 156). Similarly in this study, a problem-solving process was being investigated. However, the element of holism is suggested, with the notion of the creative, right brain function (filling in the missing pieces) working alongside the rational left brain. Westcott explained that "perceptual inference is related to the gestalt notion of closure, to problems in intolerance for ambiguity and to concerns about perceptual learning from stimulus generalization" (1968, p. 156). Westcott also used personality tests to study his subjects and found clear personality differences between those he termed intuitives and wild guessers. His determinants were the amount of information required and the success rate of correct answers. He goes further to describe characteristics of the types in terms of conventional/unconventional, controlling/spontaneous, resistant to/respecting authority, more/less willing to risk, and so on. Was Westcott really testing intuition? How does his intuition compare with the intuition associated with creative inspiration, innovative breakthrough, or spiritual revelation? His studies involved a nonreal life setting in which the problems had only one right answer, the process and ingredients needed for solution were clearly outlined, and the answers could be reached with pure deduction. According to Goldberg (1983), intuition in this sense was merely problem-solving, not genuine intuition. Recent Studies Intuition continues to be researched in limited ways as reported in the psychological literature in the 1970's and 1980's. Three studies will be briefly mentioned. In the field of education, intuition has been studied in relation to probabilistic thinking in children (Fishbein, 1975). The results indicate that probabilistic intuition does not develop spontaneously and that it is necessary to teach the complex intuitive aspects relevant to probabilistic thinking. Fishbein accepted that intuitions are an integral aspect of intelligent behavior and differentiated between primary intuitions (derived from one's experience, without need for systematic instruction) and secondary intuitions (have all the same characteristics, but are formed by scientific education, mainly in school). Because our scientific culture demands statistical and probabilistic thinking, primary intuitions cannot be wholly depended upon, and Fishbein therefore advocated the incorporation of understanding interpretation, evaluation, and prediction of probabilistic events into the education curriculum 26 Again, intuition is seen as not very reliable, yet a necessary adjunct in teaching children how to think in a probabilistic manner. Another study described ways of increasing intuition and creative imagination in education programs for the gifted, through exercises in Autogenic training, progressive relaxation, autoanalysis, and a receptive attitude (Brown and Wolf, 1987). The above are only two of several studies of children and intuition, perhaps attesting to the notion that young, open, imaginative minds are more accessible to intuition than individuals with experience and socialization. One study on creativity and intuition was done with Master of Business Administration students at the University of Notre Dame in which an alternative curriculum course was offered. This course on developing creative potential became an elective in the program as a result of the research, suggesting perhaps that intuition, as an aspect of creativity, is becoming more recognized as a credible function in a conservative and intellectual field such as business (Roach, 1987). Summary With the developing emphasis on empiricism in psychology, the view of intuition could not help but be affected. Cognition and some aspect of reasoning crept into intuition's definition. Deductive logic and inference became aspects of intuition, the behavioral perspective became more dominant - proof became a factor. This resulted in studies that attempted to measure problem-solving, subliminal inference, social judgments, intuitive thinking, and clinical appraisals. The studies have produced a basic definition of intuition, but their approach has been objective, quantitative and controlled. There have been no investigations that have explored the individual's personal experience of intuition in all the dimensions of real life nor its varied meanings for the person. 27 Psychology: C.C. Jung Jung addressed intuition very differently from those that view it as a way of knowing, or as subliminal processing and inference. He developed his theories about intuition largely from his own personal and clinical experiences rather than from laboratory studies, and was the first to articulate that intuition operates in an unconscious manner (Noddings and Shore, 1984). Jung's view of intuition is embedded in a theory of personality rather than a theory of knowledge. For Jung, intuition is one of four psychological functions, the others being sensation, thinking and feeling. The rational functions are the judging or interpretive functions of thinking and feeling. Thinking connects representations or perceptions that come to us in orderly concepts, it is oriented by the object and objective data (lung, C.W. 6, 1971). Feeling has to do with the expression of the value which we assign to what we perceive, it is a subjective value judgment (Jung, C.W. 6, 1971). Frequently, it is confused with emotion, which is not Jung's original definition of this function. The irrational functions, sensation and intuition, are those of perceiving. Sensation, via the five senses, is our means of perceiving objects and people. It provides our experience of reality (Jung, C.W. 6, 1971). Intuition, on the other hand, perceives the widest range of possibilities and probabilities, without the sensual mode. It seeks to discover and explore the potential that an external situation holds within it. It is "a form of perception that comes to us directly from the unconscious" (Whitmont, 1969, p. 143). Intuition is a function "that can be consciously developed and used although its mode of operation is not within conscious control" (Whitmont, 1969, p. 143). Intuition is no more special than sensation, but is somewhat more rare. An individual's personality and behavior can be understood in terms of these four functions, with one mode being more favored and exercised, one less favored and neglected, with the remaining two functions falling in the middle. It is with great difficulty that the inferior function can be developed and it will always have to be seen as a possible blind spot. 28 Sometimes, especially if intuition is inferior, it can be related to only symbolically (Whitmont, 1969). Jung described the intuitive type as a person who is guided by the intuitive perception through the unconscious. His characterization of this type appears too rigid and exclusive to Noddings and Shore (1984), because Jung's examples of Goethe, Nietzsche and Schiller seemed somewhat simplistic. It is also unclear whether Jung believed that everyone has the potential to be, at least sometimes, an intuitive type. At this point, it is of value to describe one of Jung's important theories related to intuition. He stated that one's life task is that of individuation, a process with the goal of the development of the individual personality (C. W. 6, 1971). The individuation process is one of becoming more conscious of our total Self, the essence of our whole being (Whitmont, 1969), and involves bringing what is unconscious to consciousness. This can be accomplished by opening oneself to intuition, which is the channel for one's Self to emerge. It is a conscious striving for becoming what one "is" or "is meant to be". Since the Self is "a priori" existent within us, individuation is seen as a "becoming", a road, a journey, a way, towards the Self (Whitmont, 1969). This process requires that we allow the unconscious to reveal itself • to us, via dreams, active imagination, meditation and other activities, and that we then integrate that knowing into our conscious lives. Hence, the way in which we become aware and are guided by our inner Self is through intuition. The self's way of communication can be through self-reflection and the forms just mentioned above. The immense value in paying attention to these messages is when we recognize that the Self is the source of personal wisdom and personal truth. Von Franz sums it up when she stated that the Self is "an inner guiding factor that is different from the conscious personality" (1972, p. 164). By attending and listening to our intuition, we will see our uniqueness, which is the goal of individuation. This process also involves becoming more aware of our inferior functions and allowing them to exist in a more equal way in our everyday lives. 29 One must remember that Jung's primary focus was analytical. The experience of intuition and its meaning were not on his agenda. However, due credit must be given, for it is through his recognition of intuition's unconscious nature, and his separation of intuition from other cognitive processes, that our current understanding of intuitive thinking has evolved. Jung's interest in intuition and the parapsychological encouraged later psychologists to pay attention to these subjects, without the ridicule that the spiritualists and mystics received. Summary Jung's view of intuition is embedded in a theory of personality rather than a theory of knowledge. His theory of personality describes the psyche as composed of the conscious and unconscious aspects. In the psyche there are four functions: thinking and feeling, the rational functions, and sensation and intuition, the irrational ones. The life work or individuation process is one of becoming more conscious of our total Self. This inner process can be guided by our intuitive awareness. Contemporary Psychology This section discusses the next phase in psychology as the analytical and behavioral movements broadened into the humanistic and transpersonal orientations of the I960's. A brief discussion of Maslow's study of self-actualizing individuals begins the section. It is perhaps this work that generated the term, "humanistic psychology", psychology's "Third Force", after analytical and behavioral psychologies. The primary focus of humanistic psychology is personal growth and development that encourages creativity, love, realizing human potential and spiritual growth (Fadiman and Frager, 1976). Vaughan (1979, 1980, 1985) and Goldberg's (1983) writings on intuition are examined in this section. Lastly, intuition in humanistic education, as proposed by Noddings and Shore (1984) is briefly discussed. 30 A discussion of the recent emphasis of the "higher Fourth Force of psychology" or transpersonal psychology (Maslow, 1968) follows. The explorations in this new field broaden the perspectives of intuition as shown by the studies of consciousness and split-brain complementarity (Ornstein, 1973). Deikman's (1973) work on bimodal consciousness and the relationship of his receptive mode to intuition is surveyed. This section concludes with Deikman's (1982) discussion on mysticism and mystical intuition. Humanistic Psychology Humanistic psychology was formed in the early 60's by Abraham Maslow and his contemporaries. It was a movement that pushed psychology beyond the analytical and behavioral, into the areas of personal growth and developing human potential. It took on another perspective - what was positive and possible in people was studied and encouraged, rather than only what was wrong and dysfunctional - possibility rather than pathology. Such issues as interpersonal relations, creativity, beauty, spontaneity, altruism, peak experiences, etc. became subjects of interest and research. The notion of the whole person, one being more than just one's past history and one's behaviour, were emphasized along with other elements, such as health, spiritual beliefs, self-respect and self-esteem. Maslow. Abraham Maslow stated in his study of self-actualizing individuals,that once gratified in their basic needs of belongingness, affection, respect, and self-esteem, people then become motivated toward higher aspirations, and become involved in something beyond themselves (1971). The values of spirituality, religion, and life meaning come to the foreground. He suggested that "listening to the impulse voices" allows the self to fully emerge, adding that "looking within oneself for many of the answers implies taking responsibility ...in itself a great step toward actualization" (1971, p. 46). He also indicated that these "inner signals" have a weaker voice than our basic needs and therefore require a stronger attention (1971, p. 330). It is noteworthy that in his discussions, Maslow avoided the term, "intuition", using words, 31 "voices from within", and "inner signals" enclosed in quotation marks. One can only speculate if he, too, was wary of the word. The voice from within can occasionally be wrong, even in the wisest individual, in any case, such wise individuals generally test their inner commands against external reality whenever they can. Empirical testing and verifying of exper-iential knowledge is thus always in order, for sometimes the inner certainty, even of a veritable mystic, turns out to be the voice of the devil. It is not yet wise to permit the private conscience of one person to outweigh, all other sources of knowledge and wisdom, however much we respect inner experiencing. (1971, p. 330) In spite of his caution, Maslow argued adamantly for the fulfilling of individual potential, the striving from basic needs toward metaneeds completion and self-transcendence. In his chapter on transcendence (1971), he discussed the transcendent experience as mystical fusion, as a rising above one's ego or lower needs, as a changing from one state to another, as the loss of the we/they polarity, and the being one with the universe. The descriptions of the transcendent experience suggest that "being in harmony with nature", that having the "ability to yield, to be receptive to, or respond to, to live with extrapsychic reality as if one belonged with it, or were in harmony with it" (1971, p. 271) are the paths to the mystical realm. Maslow appears to be saying that "extrapsychic reality" or intuition is to be given credence, but one must live with it in a balanced way. In summary, Maslow used terms such as "inner signals" and "impulse voices" in suggesting ways to self-actualize one's higher spiritual, religious and philosophical values. He did state the need for empiricism and verification in checking out knowledge gained in this way. In spite of his caution, Maslow urged one to be open and responsive to one's extrapsychic reality (intuition) in order to transcend one's basic reality in becoming a self-actualized individual. 32 Vaughan. Frances Vaughan (1979) conducted several studies, workshops and classes on awakening intuition, including the widest range of possible experiences under the term of intuition: memory flashes, premonitions, attraction/aversion feelings, hunches, a knowing without the aid of the rational mind and the picking up of "vibes". She also considered creative experiences within the intuitive mode: ...discovery and invention in science, inspiration in art, creative problem-solving, perception of patterns and possibilities, extrasensory perception, clairvoyance, telepathy, precognition, retrocognition. (1979, p. 58). Often intuition is initially associated with a hunch or a strong feeling of knowing what is going to happen. These are frequently vague and not always verifiable. There are the common instances, for example, of picking up the phone and knowing who is calling. When the hunch comes true is when one begins to pay attention to these inner knowings. Some people are afraid of their hunches, particularly those that forewarn accident or disaster, and will attempt to repress then. Vaughan suggested that one "must learn to distinguish presentiments from intuition" (p. 59). One's fears can clutter up the channels through which intuition makes itself known. Another obstacle can be desire. For example, wanting something to happen, or even wanting desperately to be open to intuitive knowing, can interfere with the intuitive perception. At the same time, the greatest factor that promotes intuition is one's belief in one's own intuitive abilities (Vaughan, 1979). It follows that if one values and is open to one's inner knowing, one expresses that knowing in action, and if the knowing is verified, trust in intuition is deepened... and the circle continues. Vaughan identified certain lifestyles and experiences that nurture and facilitate intuition. Attention and inspiration require space and reflection as seen in artistic and creative endeavors. Another positive factor she mentioned is the 33 emotional tie between people. A close bond seems to facilitate telepathic communication between individuals, particularly in the areas of death, danger, and distress. Vaughan placed intuitive experiences into four distinct levels of awareness: physical, emotional, mental, and spiritual. At the physical level, one experiences a strong bodily response in a situation where there is no evident reason for it. It is similar to the jungle awareness that primitive peoples appear to have in sensing danger. In our urban society, this is not as simple. However, one can become more attuned to one's body in different situations and learn to trust one's body responses, a base for learning to trust one's intuition. On the emotional level, self-awareness comes through feelings. An example of this is immediate liking or disliking of someone with no apparent justification. Vaughan suggested that the feelings for oneself, for others and the things one does relates to one's willingness to trust emotional intuitive cues in making choices. "The more you act on your feelings and take the risk of checking out the validity of your intuition, the more reliable it can become" (p. 71). The mental level operates in areas related to thinking and is associated with problem solving, mathematical and scientific study. "Seeing the big picture" is a common theme suggesting the holistic overall view of issues, that can often only be accessed in an intuitive way. The last level, spiritual intuition, is associated with mystical experience. Vaughan called this kind of intuition "pure" intuition, in that it is free of sensations, feeling and thought. Paradoxically, these cues on which the other levels depend are considered interference on this level. The practice of meditation assists to clear the mind and increases the observance of oneself. The mystical experience is described as one in which one moves beyond the subject/object polarity and one feels at one with everything/everyone else. Various levels of mystical experience are described in both Eastern and Western mystical traditions. Vaughan asserted that these experiences affirm the human capacity to transcend the ego and the rational mind and that the essential truth of reality can only be apprehended intuitively. "It is 34 this direct apprehension of truth that characterizes pure spiritual intuition" (p. 65). The mystical intuitive experience can have a profound effect on one's life as it replaces doubt with joy and wonder, and provides a sense of unity with all things. In her later works (1980, 1985), Vaughan explained in greater depth the nature of intuition as a path to "transpersonal vision" (1985, p. 203). She suggested that intuition operates in the "domain of spirit" and can function as one's inner guide to the recognition of everpresent, everyday truth. "When intuition is used to envision possibilities, the process may activate both insight and imagination, giving form to formlessness in the mind, thereby creating something out of nothing" (1985,p. 206). She proposed that the creative impulses of intuition can mobilize our inner perceptions to shaping discoveries within ourselves and in our outer world. Vaughan equated the nurturing of intuition with the development of self-awareness which can only lead to a fuller and more authentic life for an individual. One's sense of who one is, what one wants, what is meaningful and what one's reality is -essentially, one's truth - can be revealed through the intuitive process. She encouraged a regular meditative practice wherein the rational mind is quieted and inner silence prevails to allow intuition to flourish. Goldberg. A more recent writer, Philip Goldberg (1983) suggested that the increased interest in intuition is partly due to the "more global shift in values....The passionate pursuit of both individual growth and a better world, begun in earnest in the 1960's, has led to a reevaluation of conventional beliefs, among them the way we use our minds and the way we approach knowledge" (1983, p. 16). He also noted that the Eastern philosophies and disciplines have been so well received by Western society because they have met the need that there must be unrecognized and untapped personal power and wisdom within, and we are being drawn to search deeper. Furthermore, there is a growing belief that we perhaps could trust those inner feelings, hunches and voices that we usually ignore. 35 He addressed the question of intuition and psychic phenomena, accepting only precognition as intuition. The other events (i.e. telepathy and clairvoyance) are more closely linked to perception in that they are extensions of our five senses. They bring in information that intuition can then work on. For Goldberg, there are six distinct intuitive categories. In discovery intuition, the information is present, yet processed by the intuitive mind to reveal answers, with no direct intention on the discoverer's part. It is separate from the other functions by its detective quality. It reveals provable facts. Creative intuition works alongside discovery intuition, and applies where there are numerous solutions possible, some better than others. In these cases, imagination is an necessary element. This kind of intuition is important in solving practical problems and making decisions. Evaluative intuition prompts that sense of Tightness about a situation and comes from an inner or outer source. It is the discriminatory function that can work along with the other types of intuition. Frequently it reveals itself in a binary manner, of yes or no, go or don't go, and like others, it can be clear or faintf strong or hesitant. The fourth type, operative, urges movement and action without telling why. An example of this is the sense of "calling" to follow a particular vocation or to accept a mission. Operative intuition can be puzzling, since it might urge us to move in what seems to be a strange direction. Goldberg writes that operative intuition may account for Carl Jung's notion of "synchronicity" when those uncanny coincidences of inner and outer events occur with no apparent cause yet exert meaningful impact. Predictive intuition is generally an element of any prediction, even if rational analysis is used. It can be either explicit or implicit. Also, it can be a warning device, as in premonitions. The last type, illuminative intuition, Goldberg equated with satori, samadhi, cosmic consciousness, self-realization, union with Cod, and transcends the other five. Illumination is 36 the highest form of knowing in which the knower and the known become joined. Since transcendence or illuminative intuition embodies the significant elements of all intuitive experiences, one wonders then if our "everyday" intuition is essentially giving us a small glimpse of enlightenment. Goldberg suggested that the depth of intuitive knowing corresponds to one's ability to be conscious of one's consciousness, to be aware of one's whole perceptual field - the observer of self and the observed self. "Whatever we know is known only within our individual consciousness....But what we know, and how well we know, varies not only from person to person but with changes in individual awareness....The form that intuition takes, the clarity of the experience, and the degree to which it reflects reality vary as consciousness varies....the key variable is the knower's state of consciousness....lntuition can be understood as the mind turning in on itself and apprehending the result of processes that have taken place outside awareness (1983, p. 136-137). He goes on to state that the quality of intuition is related to the degree of access our awareness has to deep levels of the mind. One can imagine a hierarchy model of the mind in which there are layers of wave patterns. The uppermost level waves are irregular and chaotic and represent the conscious thinking level. The next level down has the waves less irregular and smoother. In each successive level the waves become progressively flatter and regular as order and coherence take over. These levels represent the quieter, calmer, reflective mind. The lowest level is a straight line which is absolute pure consciousness. One's awareness is like a beam of light that must break through the levels of the mind to focus on the deeper recesses of knowledge. "The deeper one is capable of diving, the more coherent the beam, the wider the range of information available, and the more accuracy and clarity the intuition will have" (p. 139). Another explanation for intuitive experiences that Goldberg puts forth is based on Rupert Sheldrake's (1971) work in morphogenetic fields. The story of the 100th monkey 37 illustrates this phenomenon. On a deserted island, monkeys were unable to figure out how to cope with sweet potatoes covered with sand. One young female monkey discovered that she could wash the sweet potatoes in the stream, so she taught her family, who in turn showed others. The idea spread and soon a large number of monkeys were washing their potatoes. Then a critical mass was reached - this came to be called the "hundredth monkey" - and washing potatoes went from fad to universal norm as every monkey on the island was doing it. Later it was noted that monkeys on islands nearby had spontaneously acquired the same insight. Sheldrake extended the theory by suggesting that the individual mind is linked to a larger field shared with others. This larger field shares patterns from the past that influence the present where time and space interweave. He posed the notion that intuitive flashes in our minds occur because other humans have had identical or related thoughts that have been deposited in the common morphogenetic field, where they mix with our own contributions. Sheldrake's theory can help explain how the same ideas seem to crop up among people who have had no contact with one another, as seen in the arts and sciences. One might also relate this theory to a variation of synchronicity, wherein individuals deposit thoughts into the morphogenetic field and others retrieve them almost at the same moment. The above notion is similar to that of Ferguson (1980) and Suzuki (1980) who both speak of a "collective intuition", another reality in which the collective impressions of all living things are present. They believe that contact with this reality can give meaning to our everyday and move us beyond ourselves. According to Goldberg (1983), pursuing intuition at its highest level of illumination, is a goal to strive for not only for itself, but as a way to cultivate all aspects of intuition. "Each added degree of illumination is synonymous with purity of consciousness, which means functioning with greater frequency and consistency from the deepest levels of the mind" (p. 151). It follows that the most important thing anyone can do to develop intuition is to cultivate a higher level of consciousness. Fie, like Vaughan, agreed that our lifestyle does not promote the silence that is required for intuition to flourish. His recommendations for raising 38 our level of consciousness include yoga, guided imagery, meditation, journal-writing and practicing guessing games with oneself. Summary Vaughan and Goldberg's works, written within the past nine years, cover the history of intuition in philosophy and psychology. Their works describe intuition in our everyday lives and touch on mystical or transpersonal intuition only briefly. There is a larger emphasis on the "how-to" aspects of developing greater intuitive awareness in daily life. Although both Vaughan and Goldberg advocate the transformative aspects of pure and illuminative intuition, neither author described in any detail, the nature of the experience itself, nor its context or content. Certainly there is an ineffability about such experiences. However, it does indicate the inadequacy of experiential knowledge of intuition in the literature. The total experience of the intuitive knowing has yet to be documented fully. Humanistic Education. Two educators, Noddings and Shore (1984), have presented an overview of intuition that is applicable to this study. They suggested that the intuitive mode process includes: 1) an involvement of external and internal senses, 2) a relaxation of subjectness into receptivity, 3) a quest for understanding, and 4) a tension between subjective certainty and objective uncertainty. For the authors, the strongest argument against intuition as unconscious inference was the very strong affect that accompanies intuitive events. "Why should the intuitive conclusion come to us with the surprise, clarity, and beauty of perception if it is merely a rapid version of reasoning? Why should we so often find ourselves inarticulate when the intuition comes to us?" (1984, p. 48). They asserted that it is "the affective intensity of the intellectual activity that constitutes involvement of the intuition" (p. 112). Secondly, they explained the intuitive mode as the "supreme and unanalyzable" reflective mode of consciousness in which one "submits" oneself to the world, to be "spoken to, grasped, and moved by it" (p. 54). It is the mode in which one is aware of oneself, of "consciousness 39 attempting to look at itself" (p. 54). In this mode, one is aware of being a subject, but unaware of the subjectness. There is a paradox of enhanced subjectivity, because one is being affected, and at the same time, one loses oneself as subject. The third element, the quest for meaning, is a necessary component of intuition, "that feeling of excitement, of anticipation, of certainty is in itself an indication that the quest for meaning and understanding is part of the intuitive function. Things are not simply 'given' to us in accordance with fixed and limited intuitive forms; rather we capture them in our search for understanding" (p. 53). The authors stated that the elements are received as perceptions and intuition composes and reveals the meaning to us. Intuition's ability to institute meaning is partly dependent upon the thing to which meaning will be attached. The last phase of the process is the tension between subjective certainty and objective uncertainty which the authors deem necessary for maintaining "direction and effort". They asserted that the initial intuitions must be taken tentatively and viewed skeptically. During "this stage of mental torture", one continues in the work of consolidation, remaining open for added intuitions or confirming the previous intuitions. This period is the hardest to sustain. The reader must keep in mind that the authors are referring to intuitions related to the educational system that require intellectual and cognitive explanation. A key point in Noddings and Shore's (1984) survey is intuition's "experience-enabling function". Intuition "precedes and makes possible the experience from which knowledge is constructed" (p. 49). Without intuition, one's experiences would be just a series of occurrences without meaning or connection, not something anticipated, planned, or evaluated. The authors claimed that it is intuition's characteristic of perceiving broad pattern and possibilities that allows one to create experience for oneself, as well as derive meaning from them. In summary, Noddings and Shore emphasized two elements of intuition that other writers have not given much acknowledgement or weight: the strong affect and the search for insight and meaning of the experience. They uphold the maintenance of tension between 40 subjective certainty and objective uncertainty as a necessity for creative production. Finally, they stated that the overall function of intuition is to provide and promote meaningful experience in our lives. Transpersonal Psychology Transpersonal psychology, named the Fourth Force, moves beyond the individual to the "transpersonal, transhuman, centered in the cosmos rather than in human needs and interest, going beyond humanness, identity, self-actualization and the like" (Maslow, 1968, p. iii). Again, it was Maslow, who envisioned humanity's yearning for something "bigger than we are", to be awed and inspired by, and "to commit ourselves to in a new, naturalistic, empirical, non-churchly sense" (1968, p. iv). Transpersonal psychology recognizes one's potential for experiencing a range of states of consciousness, in some of which identity may expand the limits of ego and personality (Vaughan and Walsh, 1980). It is within this broader context that intuition finds a home. Consciousness & Split-Brain Complementarity. Under the umbrella of transpersonal psychology, studies in consciousness have been carried out by Tart (1969, 1975), Ornstein (1972, 1974), and Deikman et al. (1976). To understand how intuition fits into this broader context, it is helpful to briefly review the groundwork in this area in the following sections. Ornstein. Ornstein has been a major force in studying and espousing the new consciousness thinking, looking for more than an empirical approach that accompanies the rational- analytic mode of consciousness. He has based his studies on "traditional psychologies" of Eastern cultures in which the central concern is consciousness. These are inwardly directed systems, focussed on a personal rather than an .intellectual knowledge, concerned with intuition, if you will, rather than 41 verbal intellectuality. Only within the past few years have scientists begun to recognize that this inward, personal knowledge is an essential complement to normal intellect (1972, p. 214). This area of psychology is inclusive of both the humanistic (third force) and the transpersonal (fourth force) realms and is greatly influenced by Eastern philosophy and religions. Ornstein stated that the function of these "esoteric" psychologies is "to open up the other mode of knowing" which is the intuitive-receptive mode. The rational-analytic mode dominates our culture, as well as our psychology, and our intuitive mode complements it if it is allowed to develop and is given credibility (Ornstein, 1972). Consequently, the intuitive mode is often emphasized in order to achieve a balance with the rational mode. This balance is essential not only for its own sake but for self-knowledge - the ultimate goal of the Eastern traditions (Ornstein, 1972). Again, the move is inward, as Jung urged, to the inner self, to allow the consciousness of our whole organism to emerge rather than to analyze each part of ourselves separately (Ornstein, 1972). Duality of Consciousness. Individual consciousness is externally-oriented, involving action for the most part to ensure survival. We select the sensory modalities from all the information coming in, process it, and then construct a stable consciousness from the filtered information. If we recognize that we create our own construct, and it is only one of many possible constructs, then we can change our consciousness by changing the way we construct it. Our ordinary consciousness involves analysis, a separation of self from other objects and individuals. This active analytic construction allows us to produce a relatively stable personal world. The aspects of this mode of consciousness are the concepts of causality, linear time and language. Another mode involves less verbalization and more spatial imagery. Each of us works in both modes. However, some specialize in one modality more than the other. 42 The duality of consciousness is frequently explained by the structure and function of the two brain hemispheres. Although both left and right hemispheres participate in most activities, they tend to specialize in the normal person. The left hemisphere (connected to the right side of the body) is involved with analysis, logic, linearity, sequence, verbal and mathematical functions. The right hemisphere (connected to the left side of the body) is primarily responsible for spatial orientation, artistic works, recognition of faces and body image. It processes input in a holistic manner, integrating many pieces of information at once. Normally, the two hemispheres are in communication and in collaboration with each other. Calin and Ornstein (1973) are of the opinion that we alternate between the two hemispheres, "selecting the appropriate one and inhibiting the other" (p. 78). Further, it is "the integration of these two modes of consciousness, the complementary workings of the intellect and the intuitive, which underlie our highest achievements" (p. 80). The left-right dichotomy has been recognized in other cultures, keeping in mind that the left hemisphere is associated with the right side, and the right hemisphere with the left. For the American Indians, the Hopi relate one hand for writing, one for making music; the Mojave see the left hand as the passive, mothering side and the right, the active father. In mythology, the left is often seen as the side of the sacred, the unconscious, the feminine, the dreamer and the intuitive. Domhoff (in Ornstein, 1973) further added that folklore in Western thinking suggests that "Right" is good and "Left" is bad. The dualism has also been reflected in the classical literature as "between reason and passion, or between mind and intuition" (Ornstein, 1972). In psychology, Freud proposed this split as between the "conscious" mind and the "unconscious": The workings of the "conscious" mind are held to be accessible to language and to rational discourse and alteration; the "unconscious" is much less accessible to reason or to the verbal analysis. Some aspects of "unconscious" communications are gestures, facial and body movements, tone of voice (Ornstein, 1972, p. 74-75). 43 In the Chinese culture, the Yin-Yang symbol clearly represents the duality and the complementarity of the two modes of consciousness. Deikman. The term Arthur Deikman (in Ornstein, 1973) used for the duality of consciousness is "bimodal": an action mode organized to manipulate the environment and a receptive mode organized around the intake of the environment. He described the psychological and physiological variables in these two modes which help to explain confusing phenomena in the fields of attention, mystical perception, hallucinogenic drugs and psychosis. The action mode is a state directed at altering the environment and "achieving personal goals that range from nutrition to defense to obtaining social rewards, plus a variety of symbolic and sensual pleasures, as well as the avoidance of a comparable variety of pain" (Deikman, in Ornstein, 1973, p. 68). In contrast, the receptive mode, similar to an intuitive mode is described as follows: ...a state organized around the intake of the environment rather than manipulation. The sensory-perceptual system is the dominant agency rather than the muscle system, and parasympathetic functions tend to be most prominent....Other attributes of the receptive mode are diffuse attending, paralogical thought processes, decreased boundary perception, and the dominance of the sensory over the formal. The receptive mode is aimed at maximizing the intake of the environment, and this mode would appear to originate and function maximally in the infant state. The receptive mode is gradually dominated, if not submerged, however, by the progressive development of strong activity and the action mode (p. 69). In the time dimension, the action mode is the Future and the receptive mode is the Now. Deikman suggests that being in the receptive mode decreases anxiety because this state is not oriented to action being directed on the environment. 44 An interesting correlation between the physiological and psychological aspects of the two modes is Deikman's example of the difference when one thinks about a problem while lying on one's back, then, thinking about the same problem while sitting upright. He maintains that it is much easier to have a direct and logical thought process while upright because our action mode activities have developed in conjunction with an upright posture. This state is initiated by postural change, but not by postural change alone. Furthermore, he adds that receptivity originated in the reclining infant state. The existence of a duality of consciousness is apparent in myths and cultures throughout time, as well as in our present scientific community. What is even more evident is the predominance and favoritism in our Western society of the rational-analytic, or action mode. More apparent in the recent century is the emphasis on technology, computerization and empiricism in science. Deikman states further: In Western civilization, that orientation is toward the individual's exerting direct voluntary control over all phases of his life. This orientation of control is enhanced by the ideal of the self-made man and by the pursuit of material and social goals - all of which call for manipulation of the environment and of the self. The action mode dominates our consciousness. Men, however, have been concerned for many years with ways to shift to what 1 have described as the receptive mode (p. 72). Deikman noted the differences between the active and receptive modes and indicated they are not to be equated with activity and passivity - meaning the presence or absence of physical activity. Letting something happen (receptive mode) is simply a different kind of activity than making something happen (action mode). Deikman also pointed out society's negativity toward the receptive mode as it is seen as "regressive" or "pathological", as an "ignoring of the world or a retreat from it...but it is a different strategy for engaging the world, in pursuit of a different goal" (1972, p. 71). Mystical consciousness suggests that the receptive mode may provide a way of "knowing" 45 some aspects of reality inaccessible to the action mode. The fullest emergence of this mode has come to be known as a "mystical" experience. Because we are not yet able to organized these other dimensions of reality, we label them as "unreal" or "kooky". If intuition is allied with the receptive mode, it follows that any insights gleaned are questionable and strange. Individuals would be doubtful and protective of their knowings, and would tend to devalue or ignore them. The insights are lost before they have shape. Mysticism & Intuition The mystical tradition is a discipline based on experience whose goal is knowledge of reality. Its subjectivity does not separate it from science, in which discovery also involves the subjective and nonrational. Both disciplines use reason, but their insights into the basic nature of reality are based on intuitive processes. Because of this, modern Westerners can approach the mystical tradition without feeling they are betraying Western science or departing from its basic ground of observable experience (Deikman. 1982). In his later work, Deikman (1982) discussed how mysticism, alongside psychotherapy, can assist in providing meaning to human life. According to mystics, one's reality is distorted and suffering results from the belief in that distorted view. What complicates this is the inherent human need "to progress in their ability to perceive the reality that underlies the phenomenal world, which can result only from the development of a higher intuitive faculty, a process called 'conscious evolution'" (p. 8). People experience dissatisfaction when this inherent need is frustrated. Conversely, those who are fulfilled in these developmental goals experience meaning and purpose in their lives. Thus, from the mystical viewpoint, meaning is a perceptual issue; therefore it is fully possible to develop that appropriate perceptual ability and create meaning as something very real and available to consciousness (Deikman, 1982). One facility he advocated is awareness, "Awareness is the ground of conscious life" (p. 10), in the form of an "observing self". This self is separate from thoughts, memories, feelings and other contents of consciousness; it has no defining qualities, boundaries or 46 dimensions. The observing self has to be experienced directly and its goal is to understand the reality that lies beneath the world of ordinary experience. One accesses this basic reality through "mystical intuition". For mystics, the person is intuition; for Freud and for most Western psychologists and philosophers, the person is reason. Deikman stated that meditation has come to be regarded as the essence of mystical experience. The perceptual changes that occur are a result of "deautomatization", a doing away with the processes that control perception and cognition. The individual allows the world to enter in and fill consciousness and this shift to the receptive mode is accompanied with a change in the perception of time, the self, and meaning. It is the opening up of this mode that accesses intuition and the deeper levels of reality. A basic prerequisite of mystical intuition is that the world is seen as unified, in which there are no barriers between entities, and that all entities respond and unite within a field; in other words, "each person is connected in some way with everything else" (Deikman, 1982, p. 55). Since mystics describe their knowledge as knowledge by identity, the knower then becomes one with the known, not just observing it. Consciousness, then, is coextensive with reality at some level, and is in continuous flux with each other. This coincides with the recent theories in quantum physics and relativity (Capra, 1975; Leshan, 1974) which "prove empirically the illusory nature of the object world and the view of reality gained through the object self" (Deikman, 1982, p. 56). There are other unexplainable levels of reality that the modern physicists are being forced by the facts of the physical world to speculate upon. Although similar, the physicists' and mystics' interpretations of the world should not be concluded as equivalent, but rather the views of the former should lend credence to those of the latter, at least justifying a more serious investigation of the mystical tradition (Deikman, 1982). Summary Deikman (1982) has allied psychotherapy with the mystical tradition to assist in deepening the meaning in human life. He believes that meaning emerges from perception, 47 and by increasing our awareness in the form of "an observing self", individual experiences can be understood in a much deeper way. Meditation, he regards as the essential path to mystical intuition and the greatest access to consciousness. One also notes the similarities of Deikman's views with those of the classical intuitionists Spinoza and Bergson. They maintained that intuition is a direct way of attaining absolute truth and with this realization one identifies with the unity of all creation. The knower and the known become one. Summary Discussion The developing discipline of psychology included these philosophical stances with the scientific approach and intuition became a subject of experimental study. During the first half of the 20th century, explorations in social intuition, creativity and clinical intuition were carried out. The premise for these studies was that unconscious inference was the explanation for the phenomenon. Berne (1977) and Westcott (1968) continued with this approach and were the prime researchers during the 1960's and 70's. Throughout this period, Jung presented intuition as one of four functions of personality. He gave it equal weight with the other functions and emphasized its unconscious nature. Our modern understanding of intuition as separate from other cognitive processes must be credited to Jung's work. His interests in parapsychology and religion sparked the beginnings of an interface between these disciplines and psychology. Humanistic and transpersonal orientations in psychology emerged in the 1960's. The emphasis became personal growth, fulfilling one's potential, altered states of consciousness, healing, and mystical and religious experiences. Intuition, as a form of personal awareness to greater knowledge of oneself, became more acceptable. Studies in consciousness and transformation followed, and experiences such as revelations, religious and mystical experiences became more acknowledged and recognized. Recent writers such as Ornstein (1972), Vaughan (1979), Goldberg (1983), Chinen et al. (1985), and Deikman (1982, 1985) 48 argued for the valuing and inclusion of intuition in all facets of one's life. Furthermore, they maintained that through intuition one can reap abundant riches for an authentic and meaningful life. However, what is missing in the literature is the individual's experience of intuition and any adequate description of it. The philosophical and psychological literature talk "about" intuition, some of its characteristics and possible consequences. It has yet to reveal what is "inside" the experience itself. It has yet to observe the context in which the intuition occurs, or to survey the consequences of the experience in people's lives. Furthermore, the literature neglects to examine the meaning of an intuitive awareness as a transformative experience. This is where the phenomenologist can attempt to fill the void, and this study can be a step in that direction. 49 CHAPTER III - METHOD In the existential-phenomenological method of research, the researcher and subjects are partners, with the latter named "co-researchers" (Colaizzi, 1978). Dialogue between the partners occurs in a relationship of trust and respect as both seek the meaning of an experience and the co-researchers's contributions are valued. The co-researcher's descriptions or protocols of their intuitive experience are thoroughly studied by the researcher after which significant statements are extracted and a meaning is formulated for each statement. This disciplined reflection on the data requires making explicit what may be only implied. The formulated meanings are organized into clusters of general themes that are present in all the protocols. It is necessary to refer back continually to the protocols to ascertain that the emerging themes are actually in the original data. These tentative results form the basis of a descriptive account of the phenomenon. The drama or story created from the integration of the themes portrays "a dynamic description" of the phenomenon. It implies a change over time, whereas straight description outlines a static situation for only one point in time (Cochran & Claspell, 1987). This narrative approach offers a strategy for eliciting meaning and significance as the story is separated into three parts: beginning, middle and end (or Before, During and After in this study). This dramatic form assists in maintaining perspective of the whole while attending to its parts, and in turn, attending to the parts and lending comprehension to the whole. This narrative description provides the basis for stating an essential structure, which is a condensed version of the phenomenon. By returning to the co-researchers at different stages, new data are worked into the final research product, and the themes of the story can be sharpened. 50 Co-Researchers Selection of Co-Researchers, The first criterion was that the co-researcher had an intuitive experience that affected him or her in a significant personal way. The intuitive experience was identified as "a knowing, without knowing how you know". As well, the co-researcher must be able to communicate the experience and have enough distance from it to allow for a complete description of it before, during and after the experience. The latter allowed opportunity to reflect on its meaning for the individual. In the study, the time span from the intuitive experience to the first interview ranged from three months to forty years. Also, all co-researchers were adults who have had more life experience and a wider vocabulary to describe their experience. I selected my co-researchers by talking to people in my professional and personal network. Interestingly enough, when news of the research topic spread, I received many contacts from people wanting to be included in the study, many more than I required. Perhaps individuals are looking for a safe place to share their significant intuitive experiences. A research study such as this offers credibility and affirmation to their extraordinary and profound experiences. Demographic Information. The following demographic information was not a factor in the selection of the co-researchers, and was elicited after the interview process. There were nine co-researchers, seven women and two men, ranging in age from 28 to 81 years. At the time of their intuitive experiences, their ages were from 17 to mid-40's. All the co-researchers were Canadian, except for one who was an American. Their ethnic backgrounds were English and Scottish, with one woman of Norwegian ancestry. There were three retired individuals whose former occupations were art teacher, nurse and church minister. There were three homemakers, two 51 psychologists, and a professor. In terms of academic education, one had Grade 10; two had Grade 12; three had their B.A.'s; two, their M.A.'s; and, one, a Ph.D. Five co-researches said they were "middle class"; one, "lower-middle"; and three, "professional" and "upper middle". Phenomenological Interviews Each co-researcher was interviewed twice. In the initial interview, a description of the intuitive experience was elicited. The second visit was for validating the themes derived from the original story, and making any changes. These interviews were from five to seven months apart. The first contact with the co-researchers was made via letter, followed by a telephone call. A brief description of the study was again given, and it was decided whether the co-researcher's experience fit the criteria for the study. An appointment was then made for meeting together. Prior to the interview, I mailed the consent form with the questions I would be asking, to allow the co-researcher some time to think about their experience. The First Interview. At the first meeting, some time was allowed at the beginning for trust and rapport to develop. Any questions the co-researcher had were answered at this time, then the consent form was signed. The interview was audio-taped. The interview was unstructured to elicit the story in an open and free way. I began the session stating the purpose of the study and asking the co-researcher to describe his/her intuitive experience. The general questions I asked were: 1. Please try to recall in detail a meaningful intuitive experience of personal significance to you. Tell it as if you were telling a story with a beginning, middle and end, adding your thoughts, feelings and actions around the experience. 2. Did you go over this experience with yourself? Or share it with anyone else? Before, during, or after the experience? 3. What impression did this experience leave on you directly after the incident? And later? 4. How was this intuitive experience different from perhaps other impulses you have had or spontaneous actions you have taken? 5. How do you view this experience now with the passage of time? 52 During the interview, I asked additional questions to clarify and to elicit more detail, if the general questions did not provide this. These additional questions were: These questions were formulated to elicit the specific details of the intuitive experience and to assist in grasping the meaning it has had for the co-researcher. Throughout the interview, it was imperative that I attend fully and be present. For all the co-researchers, it was a re-living of the experience in a very real and emotional way, thus empathy, reflective listening, compassion and gentleness were required. Open-ended questions, such as "What does that mean for you?" and "Can you tell me more?" were used to invite elaborations and increased depth in exploration of the experience. Staying close to the co-researcher's description allowed the meaning of the experience to be elaborated. The Second Interview. Each co-researcher received a copy of the initial interview and a description of the themes, approximately two weeks before the second interview, and was asked to read them both prior to our meeting. This interview occurred within five to seven months of the initial session. The second interview was for the purpose of verifying the themes that emerged from the analysis of the protocols. Initially 1 asked if the transcript was accurate and if there was anything that needed to be changed. Specific questions were asked to expand on the meaning of certain statements and to complete any gaps in the story. The rationale and the analysis procedure were briefly explained to the co-researcher. One by one, each theme was discussed and the co-researcher was asked if the particular theme felt true or not true to their individual experience. They were invited to modify, add, or delete to make the theme more 1. 2. 3. 4. 5. 6. What was your feeling? How long did it last? What was the most vivid, or strongest part of the experience? When did your rational mind come in? What was it that made you feel certain about the information? How has this changed you? Has the change lasted? Has it impacted on how you view life now? 53 accurate for their individual story. Finally the co-researcher was asked if there was any important aspect of their experience still missing from the description. Analysis Procedure Analysis of the protocols or transcripts followed the procedure as outlined by Colaizzi (1978). 1. The transcripts from the first interviews were read many times to become very familiar with them, with the purpose of acquiring a feeling sense of the whole experience and making sense of them. 2. In each transcript, significant phrases or sentences directly related to the experience were underlined and written on index cards. If protocols contained the same or similar statements, the repetitions were not noted. 3. Meanings were formulated from the statements. In many cases, the meanings were clear. "I knew it was something....It was too real to be faked, it's not a figment of my imagination." "Nothing else mattered, I had to get there immediately ...no, no questioning at all." "A sense of absolute certainty of what was happening." The above examples describe the sense of certainty the co-researchers had about their experience. There was no need to search for the meaning behind their statements. 4. This next step involved reaching for the implied meanings from the statements, yet remaining true to the statement. Colaizzi noted that this requires "creative insight...leap from what his subjects say to what they mean" (p. 59). This process of formulating meanings is done w|th each protocol. Where possible, the co-researcher's own words are used. "I feel there are forces that we don't totally know or understand that do take place, and you can't explain it to anybody." "I always think there's something more." 54 "I believe that it's from this level that come our most brilliant knowings...and we need to know there's another part of life." "...there are other levels which I think probably happen on an energy level....it's changed my spiritual awareness." "There's a different plane to live on - same world, but different - deeper, brighter, richer." These examples describe a sense of some other dimension from which the intuitions emerged, another level of life that gives meaning. 5. At this point, each protocol consisted of many cards with the meanings noted along the top, and the sample statements below. The nine protocols were laid out in vertical rows in three separate sections of Before, During and After. The groups of cards with common meanings were compared to identify similarities, sorted into clusters of themes, then a theme title was derived to cover each group. A return to the original protocols was done as a validation check on these themes. For example, the first group of cards across the nine columns included: repeated frustrations, yearning and questing, active involvement, opposition, and sense of desperation. What was evident in all of these situations was a sense of the individual being deeply involved in something, thus the first theme became Sense of Being Deeply Involved in a Situation. Another example of a theme formulation was the description of the various physical sensations that became Increased Sensory Acuity. Following are statements dissimilar in content, yet the implied meanings illustrate the common thread of the certainty of the learning with the passage of time. "It's either destiny or for some reason or other, you're supposed to know that." "So I became stronger in finding my own direction ...this was me...you don't have any choice, you've got to be you, like it or not, this is what you have to do." "...coming to the realization that it's finished ...so strong and so strong an effect on my life and what direction it would take." 55 "1 haven't always lived there, but 1 know it, I'm certain." This step required the greatest effort and insight. The intuitive experiences were extremely varied in the range of perceptions, descriptions and situations - from a dream and a clinical incident to the mystical encounter. It was necessary to derive the wording of a theme that was sharp and focussed, yet sufficiently inclusive to embrace the meaning of each co-researcher's significant statements. In this manner, thirty-two themes were extracted. 6. The second interview took place at this point. Any changes were added to the meaning cards. Thirty-one themes were retained as two of the During themes were merged into one, Sense of Bewilderment was included under Magnification of One's Feelings. The wording of eight themes was modified to reflect the experiences more sharply. Then the final list of the themes was drawn up. 7. The results of the analysis were incorporated into a narrative description of the intuitive experience. This description includes all the themes, and follows the chronology of story: Before, During, and After the experience. An attempt was made to place the themes in the order of occurrence, but it was impossible to be precise, as many of the themes overlapped or took place simultaneously. The narrative description is an abstract account that includes the details, framework, and the meaning of the experience. 8. The essential structure was written which is a concise summary of the narrative description that reveals the core of the experience and its meaning. It is analogous to a plot summary for a full story. 9. A thank-you letter with a copy of the narrative description was sent to the co-researchers. 56 CHAPTER IV - RESULTS This section begins with a brief summary of each co-researcher's experience. Then the formulation of the 31 themes is described after which each theme is discussed in detail. The next section is the narrative description in which the themes are interwoven to form an account of the intuitive experience. The essential structure follows which is the concise version of the experience. A discussion of N's experience which is slightly different from the other co-researchers' concludes this chapter. Summary of the Co-Researchers' Experiences A brief synopsis of each co-researcher's experience will be described. The following stories illustrate the wide range and the variations of these events in the lives of each individual. Case T. T was an active homemaker with five children from 7 to 20 years of age. It was a typically busy summer with everybody going about their separate activities. D, the eldest of the children, had a summer job at a cement plant. It was July, 1973, and T was driving out to UBC to pick up her youngest son from soccer school, when she heard a loud crack sound that caused her to pull the car over. Immediately she knew that something had happened to D, even though she did not want to admit this to herself, and she felt she had to get home as quickly as possible. Arriving home with her youngest, there was a message that there had been a serious accident and D was in hospital. What followed were many anxious months of healing and rehabilitation. T believed that the inner knowing from her intuitive experience gave her strength to deal with D's injury. During the 15 years since then, she has developed a 57 new understanding and appreciation of an inner dimension of life in which people are more deeply in contact with one another. Case L. L was 17 years old that summer of 1975, just graduated from high school. She and her horse, Peter, had been training hard with the hope of entering the 1980 Olympic trials. Prior to the intuitive event, L had been ill with bronchitis, then pneumonia, and was convalescing at home, not having seen Peter for several weeks. Suddenly she was overwhelmed with a strong urgency to go to Peter at the stables, sensing something was wrong. Upon arriving there, her coach told her she had been trying to phone her to tell her that her horse was ill. L later discovered that the phone call was at the same minute she tore out of the house. During the following quiet, dark hours as Peter was recovering from the acute stage of the illness, L came to realize that the dream was over: Peter was unable to go on, and her own injuries were more serious than she wanted to admit. Major decisions were made to retire Peter, after which L fell into a depression that lasted four months. She eventually found work, and became active once again in her life. She looked back to this major experience as a critical turning point, and credited her intuition with guiding her towards a deeper exploration of her religious and philosophical beliefs. Case K. It was the early 1950's, and K was in art school, reveling in the school environment and the discoveries of her own creative abilities. She was in her early 20's, and her Mother was diagnosed with a terminal illness and sent home to die. She had to quit school, find a job and help out at home with nursing care. The emotional upheaval was immense. Compounded with the anger and fear were the guilt and hurt K felt about the poor relationship she had with her Mother. One Saturday when she felt totally desperate and just giving up, she experienced the sensation of a soft feathery blanket coming down over her as 58 she lay in bed, and penetrating her body with a calm and a peace. She did not trust it, and tried to bring back the intense negative feelings, but she could not. That experience changed her outlook: she felt more confident, more accepting of her situation, stronger and more at peace within herself. The relationship improved somewhat with her Mother who gradually recovered, and lived for 20 more years. K eventually returned to art school and became an art teacher and artist. The intuitive experience for K was an answer to prayer, and for a period afterwards, she was involved in organized religion. Since leaving the formal church, her involvement in the spiritual has focussed on meditation and the inner life. She maintained that the intuition was a high point in her life and wished she could experience the serenity again. Case O. O had recently graduated from nursing school and was working at VGH. It was wartime, the early 1940's, and the country's war effort was in high focus. O was engaged to a young man who was on convoy duty in the navy and had been away for a year. A New Zealand pilot, who had been a former patient, befriended her. She tried to gently direct him to her single roommates, but he was not interested. She recognized that he was a man who expressed his gentle, tender side and this attracted her greatly. She felt safe and appreciated by him. Their friendship blossomed into love. On one September morning while they lay on the grass talking, the young solder said that she would have to break her engagement because she was going to marry him. Upon hearing this, O felt a physical shuddering along her spine, and she was swept into another plane of awareness in which she felt she was connected "to the Godhead". She had previously had experiences in which she had moved into these other realms, but this was totally different. Her life afterwards was deeply affected. She felt such love and acceptance of all others; her perceptions of the natural world were intense and acute; and she realized that she had glimpsed the ultimate possibilities for another way of being and living. She attempted to carry this joy and loving into her marriage, not to the man in her story, but this was met with much scorn. However, her experience revealed to her the 59 depths of loving, which increased the love she had for her children, as well as guiding her in life. With her recent divorce, she feels now she can return to her quest. Case G. G graduated in psychology in 1961 and had decided that she would be a single professional woman. It was summer and she was at a one-week group psychotherapy workshop. Pairings formed of the participants, and as she was not as skilled socially, she was left to partner with B. Curiously, they had some interests in common, and they spent a fair amount of time together over dinner and late into the night. The dawn came early on the prairies so they decided to stay awake and watch the sunrise by the river. As they walked toward the river's edge, the scene before them became bright and luminous, and G experienced the two of them being the first man and woman "of the dawn spirit", and that they were meant to be together. She was completely taken over by the experience, and only afterwards, when they returned to the car, did they speak, and learn that they had had similar experiences. This profound incident directed her to learn more about B, to deepen their relationship, and to plan the next few months to include marriage before moving together to Ontario to take a new job. During the 27 years of marriage, this mystical experience has been the anchor that has kept her in the relationship despite the rough times. It also has contributed to the direction of her personal spiritual seeking and to the deepening trust in her own intuitive capacities and that of others. Case H. H was in his 50's at the time, serving as minister in a small Vancouver church. He had always felt that the church and his work in it were on the verge of something that he could not precisely define. He and his friend D, frequently discussed this problem together. One day while sitting enjoying the scenery at Whytecliff park as he often did, he began to write in his Journal. However, on this occasion, it was different, as the ideas tumbled out so rapidly that he had to write hurriedly to catch it all. He was overcome with the details of a plan that was evolving on paper of a visionary church community. The plan itself included funding, building blueprints, professional positions, salaries, even possible sites. The sense of excitement was overwhelming for H, because details of this sort were far beyond his knowledge of business. He immediately contacted D to tell him and to their delight, discovered that both had had very similar experiences. The beginning steps of the plan were carried out but due to an economic recession, it was never fully realized. For H however, the intuitive experience confirmed the direction of the work he was to do in the church and broadened his understanding of an all-loving Cod. Case Y. Y was a therapist in private practice. For some time she had been having experiences with clients about which there was no rational explanation. She would receive information about a client which she said came "from a deeper level". It came as a physical sensation in her body. She knew of a colleague who worked in this area and went to consult him about her experiences. At this meeting, he instructed her to close her eyes and imagine his body on a screen and tell him what she saw. She reported the details, and he confirmed the accuracy of her perceptions. She recognized that her intuitive abilities had credence, and intended to further her training in the field. Since this event, she has included this faculty in her therapy practice. Y believed that this has deepened the therapeutic relationship and empowered her clients in ways that would not have been possible before. Case C. C was 25 years old at the time, married and living on the outskirts of Vancouver. She babysat her niece during the week, picking her up at her sister's workplace in the morning and dropping her off at the end of the day. Her daily routine was simple and repetitive. One night, C had a dream of a man vomiting and dying in the street. She felt utter terror, and 61 attempted to change the dream, which she could always do before. In this instance, she could not, and screamed to bring herself out of the dream. She told her husband, and eventually went back to sleep. There was only a slight reference to her nightmare in the morning, but she felt then a sense of unease. Later that day, as she was driving to do an errand, she stopped by a group of people, thinking a dog had been hit and she might provide transportation to a vet. She walked over to them and was frozen with fear when she saw her dream actualized before her eyes. She had offered her CPR assistance but was so paralyzed in seeing the man, she could do nothing. Eventually the ambulance came and took the man to hospital where she later found out that he had died. Her Mother helped her deal with the strong feelings of guilt that resulted and to understand that she had no direct part in the death. She could honour the man's death by appreciating her intuitive dream as a gift to teach her about herself, about life and death, and about intuition. This experience validated her beliefs about the connectedness of all humanity with one another. Case N. N, 45 years old at the time, was a university professor who wa6 also studying to become a Jungian analyst. During the summer months of the previous three years he had trained in Zurich. In the programme, there was a woman with whom he had a love relationship. Over the years their alliance had deepened, and every fall, there was always a difficult parting as she returned to husband and family and he to his private life. In August, 1986, N, his woman friend, and her husband were picnicking in a beautiful parkland. On viewing the expansive country below, N had a sudden sense of wanting to die. He was overcome with the realization and fell sobbing to the ground with this great yearning to die. The couple tried to calm him by laying him down. Shortly after, when N stood up again, he stretched out his arms and the image came to him of being an eagle with a spear impaled in his right breast. The meaning of his experience was not apparent, and the incident was overshadowed during the following days and weeks, with the upheaval of leavetaking and 62 returning to teaching. It was not until October, two months later, when a cancer was discovered in his right lung, that the connection was made with the intuitive experience. He realized later that the powerful force of wanting to die was so irrational and incongruous that he did not know how to deal with it and suppressed it. Much later, he came to recognize that credence must be given to the knowing of the body, and that one must listen and attend more carefully. Surgery, chemotherapy, psychotherapy, analysis and alternative therapies have been uppermost in N's life over the past two years. At the second interview, September, 1988, N indicated that there was a vague spot on x-ray, but he felt it was not a tumour. He also spoke about accepting that he would eventually die, as we all will, but "soon" might be any number of years. He appeared at peace with that. Formulation of themes The themes were extracted from the stories of the co-researchers according to Colaizzi's method (1978). They were formulated using the co-researchers's words as much as possible. It must be remembered that the themes are neither absolute nor separate of themselves, but overlap with one another in the actual perception and feeling tone. They are stated individually only for the purpose of identifying as clearly as possible one facet of a total experience. They interconnect intimately with one another, not so much in a linear fashion, but as a weaving of separate parts to complete a whole. The depth of involvement of each theme is individual for each co-researcher, but the theme is true for each experience with the variations as noted. It became evident during the second interview with N that his intuitive experience differed somewhat from those of the others. There were more similarities of themes than differences; however, the variations were sufficiently distinct to separate his story. N's experience is of great value to this study, and provides another perspective of intuition. A discussion of N's experience is placed at the end of this chapter and the two transcripts are in the Appendix. 63 The themes were divided into three parts: Before, During and After the intuitive experience. The Before time period included the context of the person's life, including work, relationships, psychological and emotional states, attitudes, thoughts, etc. Also included were the situations immediately preceding the intuition. The During section embraced all the elements of the actual experience itself. The After section was comprised of the time period immediately after as well as the intervening months and years since the intuitive experience. The individual variations are included in the descriptions of the themes. Originally 32 themes were found, but this was reduced to the final number of 31, when 5 of the co-researchers said the Sense of Bewilderment was not part of the During experience at all, although 2 of the 5 felt bewildered After the experience was over. For the remaining 4 co-researchers who experienced that sense of bewilderment, 1 decided to include it under the theme, Magnification of Feelings. The original theme, Feeling of Being Overwhelmed, was not quite accurate for 3 of the co-researchers. They described it as: "...the sense of being taken over by what was happening." "It was being taken over, for sure." "...it was more of just intense being...total being with..." They described their feelings as that of the experience taking over, they were intensely involved in the experience and could not exercise any control over it. The wording of the theme was changed to Sense of Being Taken Over or Immersed Totally in the Experience. The theme Sense of Incongruity between Reason and Felt Experience was not true for L, H, and O. For them, their rational thinking, feelings and knowing were all in tune with one another. For C, the complexity of the rational thinking and the felt experience was part of the After period rather than the During. The final formulation became Sense of Congruity or Incongruity Between Intellectual Understanding and Felt Experience. 64 The theme Sense of Direction was changed from Sense of being Directed, because several of the co-researchers did not feel that the direction came from outside, that it was more of an internal directive. As C described: "...it's not as though it was an external directive, but simply become aware of, sort of, pattern that had been laid out beforehand." Timelessness, an original theme, was changed to An Altered Sense of Time, as the former word was too limiting. The new phrase included the sense of eternity that O felt, as well as the synchronous timing of L's experience. The theme Sense of Connection with a Higher Self or Other was derived from Sense of Otherness. Several of the co-researchers felt that "otherness" meant outside oneself, and their experience was that of a contacting with another dimension of themselves. "...it was a part of me, like another level or depth, but I don't think of this as other, you see". "...with 'other' meaning more another part of myself, and is more true than 'other' being outside myself." In the After section, the wording of three themes were altered. The original theme, Sense of a Supreme Being Outside Oneself, became Sense of a Supreme Power. This theme promoted much discussion as the co-researchers felt that this sense of a greater power was not always "outside", but frequently inside oneself as well as outside oneself. Some individuals said there was more a sense of oneness: "...it's just all one...all one...a sense of oneness, being surrounded as well as being internally present." "I don't believe that there is a supreme being outside myself, I do feel that there is a supreme being that is a part of me and all that is." "I think even then I didn't have a sense of a supreme being outside myself, it is more my sense of my own goodness....! suppose it's like saying you recognize that you're a part of an infinite pattern...." A minor change was made for Caution in Sharing the Experience to Caution in Talking about the Experience. K pointed out that she was "cautious in talking about the experience", 65 but was willing to share "the emotional results of it". None of the others made this distinction, but took the original theme to mean prudence and discretion in talking about their experience with other people. The theme Sense of Readjustment after the Experience provoked discussion amongst the co-researchers, especially around the word "readjustment". As O said, "I take readjustment to mean that there's something that you recognize, and you adjust to it. This was a change that I had no say about what I did with it." For her, it was a "sort of increased powers" that was natural, that did not require conscious willing or action. For C, "readjustment" meant "a sense of feeling different and that leads to your behaving in a different way". To allow for a broader interpretation of the theme, it was changed to a Sense of Being and Living in a Different Way. Clusters of Themes The following list divides the 31 themes into three clusters: Before, During and After. The Before includes the themes that describe the situation the individual was in and what was occurring immediately before the intuitive experience. The During section comprises the themes of the experience itself. The After cluster includes the themes that range from right after the experience up to present time. Before the Experience 1. Sense of Being Deeply Involved in a Situation 2. A Close Relationship with an Other 3. Openess and Receptivity During the Experience 4. Sudden and Unexpected Onset 5. Feeling of Being Taken Over or Totally Immersed in the Experience 6. increased Sensory Acuity 7. Magnification of One's Feelings 8. Sense of Congruity or Incongruity between Intellectual Understanding and Felt Experience 9. Unmediated Knowing 10. Sense of Direction 11. Certainty of the Knowing 12. A Merging with a Larger Whole 13. An Altered Time Sense 14. Sense of Connection with a Higher Self or Other 15. Sense of Awe and Wonder 16. Experience Complete in Itself 17. Ineffability AFter the Experience 18. Recognition of Having Gained Deeper Insight and Understanding of Self 19. Increased Strength and Empowerment 20. Sense of the Experience Being a Critical Turning Point 21. Recognition of a New Position of Self 22. Deeper Sense of the Spiritual Dimension of Life 23. Sense of a Supreme Power 24. Feeling of Being Graced 25. Certainty and Wisdom of the Learned Truth 26. Change in One's Relationship with Other(s) 27. Caution in Talking About the Experience 28. Recognition of Experience Being Different from Other Intuitive Experiences 29. Enduring Quality of Experience 30. Sense of Being and Living in a Different Way 31. New acceptance and Trust of Intuitive Abilities Description of the Themes Before the Experience. 1. Sense of Being Deeply Involved in a Situation One feels an acute preoccupation with an issue or life situation. For T, it was a busy summer looking after five active children, maintaining a very busy house and home, and "lots of coming and going". Professional and work dilemmas were the critical questions for G who was making a decision where to further her psychological practice, and for Y who wanted to explore her new level of experiences with clients. This sense of intense involvement includes deep feelings that dominate.one's being. There was N's frustration of a deepening relationship with his woman friend that was periodic in time together, and the trauma of the leavetakings over the past three years. For K, it was a time of absolute anguish and pain, "The whole thing would kind of just wash over me and I'd come apart", and "I just was desperate." 67 Another facet of involvement is a yearning or questing, as illustrated by H when he said "...always sensed without any specific understanding on the edge of something much more vast than I was sharing with my people....That we were on the edge of things, rather than right in the middle. So I was ripe for this sort of experience." For the co-researchers there was an over-riding issue uppermost in their lives. This created deep feelings that influenced their living situation in many ways. 2. A Close Relationship with an Other One has a special bond or significant connection with another person, (or animal, as in L's story), that touches some deeper level within. It was the primary love relationship between man and woman for C, N, and O's experiences, that of falling in love or being in love. In K's situation, the relationship with her sick mother was "difficult". It was close in the sense that there were problems and unresolved feelings on K's part about the relationship. The theme does not imply that the close relationship is necessarily a positive one. H's friendship with D was close, one in which "he was beyond me, pulling me into something." One final element related to this theme is that one acknowledges this bond as important to oneself and gives it priority in one's life. 3. Openess and Receptivity Immediately preceding the intuitive experience, one is not preoccupied with the priority issue itself. More frequently, it is a time of relative calm in which the mind is quiet and at ease. For L it was slightly different, she stated that "the openess existed and the restlessness was a sensing even in a deeper way that something was about to happen." She was already receptive and aware of some pending situation. T, C and H were involved in activities that were ordinary and frequent in their everyday lives, that of driving to pick up her child, that of regularly babysitting a niece, and that of sitting at Whytecliff park enjoying the ocean scenery. The commonplaceness perhaps allows one to be more open to intuition. For 68 K, the vulnerability and openess came as a result of letting go, "I came kind of right up against a blank wall", and "at that point in time, 1 had reached such an extreme that, I guess, I must have just handed over everything...." One final note is that for 5 co-researchers their intuitive experience took place in the outdoors in a nature setting. This might suggest that the natural environment is conducive to the quieted and more receptive mind, allowing a susceptibility for intuition to occur. During the Experience. A. Sudden and Unexpected Onset One is taken by surprise by the intuitive experience. O said, "I suddenly had this tremendous shuddering in my body." L described it as "being hit" and "driving all thoughts from my mind." One is going about one's everyday routine and all of a sudden, something unexpected, uncommon and unfamiliar occurs. In T's words: "...it was a lovely, hot, hot day, and I was on my way to pick up little K. It was a happy thing, I loved doing that, and I had no premonitions whatsoever, and so, it came as a...it was just a totally spontaneous thing". Y's case was somewhat different in that she purposely met with her colleague to discuss the intuitive experiences she had been having with clients. She did not know what would transpire during this meeting, so the resulting intuition about her colleague was unexpected. 5. Sense of Being Taken Over or Totally Immersed in the Experience One is overwhelmed by the experience, as if one is being taken over in a powerful way by the experience itself. C describes the sensation of "being engulfed in it, it wasn't one of gradually coming on." Another aspect is one's inability to control the experience itself. K said "I had no control, none whatsoever." Being unable to control her dream produced a great deal of fear for C and it was this inability that left the greatest impression immediately afterwards. One senses that the experience has to run its own course, so one gives into it. Another phrase C uses is "a total immersion experience." It is as if one is totally and intensely involved and within the experience itself as a participant. 69 6. Increased Sensory Acuity During the experience one is aware of heightened sensations and perceptions in one's body and surrounding environment. "I certainly felt it in my body....like an earthquake up and down my spine" were O's physical impressions. The tactile sense was also evident for K's experience: "I was aware of the sensation like...as if someone had laid a very soft feathery quilt right over me...only it came down very slowly and it didn't stop on the surface, it penetrated totally...this soft calmness...it just totally penetrated me, like every cell in the body..." T's experience was auditory, "it was a crack, a sharp sound...and the air sort of opened up and then a 'thunk'." H's experience was in the kinesthetic mode with the rapid, untiring writing of the ideas and details that "tumbled over one another so fast that 1 could hardly write them down." Visual acuity was greatly enhanced in the stories of N, C, Y, and C. In out-of-the-ordinary situations, one's physiological responses are of the fight-or-flight order, and this can account for the elevated sensitivity to one's internal and external reactions. The sensory loading of the intuitive experience seems to be imprinted in one's mind and body. I observed the body language as the co-researchers told their stories. As L related how driven to action she was in going to see Peter, she was leaning forward in the chair and rocking back and forth in hurried movements. H began to write rapidly in the air as he spoke about catching the details for his future church community. N stood up with his arms outstretched and illustrated how the spear was imbedded in his chest. It would appear that the remembered sensory information helped to bring back in a very intense way specific details of the experience. In T's own words, "...my heart still races when I talk about it, you see, my ears get red and my cheeks get flushed." 7. Magnification of One's Feelings The images, thoughts and actions of the intuitive experience stimulate one's emotions intensely and greatly magnifies them. One gives in to the fullness of the feelings. The sense 70 of bewilderment and puzzlement is one of the first feelings noticed. T said "the bewilderment...because it happened so quickly, and not really understandable." N was overcome with "an awareness of an immense energy" and "the yearning to die" and he began to sob in his confusion. One can experience the opposite emotion, that of bliss or peace. O described her "body settled into a totally new alignment...just radiating such love." For her, it was a "...total surrender to my heart, no longer have to think of duty, loyalty...! was totally good...." Being aware of an emotional state requires one to observe oneself. This is indeed difficult as one is usually overwhelmed with the power of the experience. For Y, there was no "awareness of any feelings at the time" until After, then she felt "excited". 8. Sense of Congruity or Incongruity between Intellectual Understanding and Felt Experience One's experience is comprised of the feelings and physical sensations which are vivid and clear. Thoughts and questions from one's intellectual and conventional understanding are also part of one's experience, usually occurring after the awareness of the felt experience. For 4 of the co-researchers these two parts did not make sense or explain each other. C describes the incongruity with these words, "My rational mind was saying this, another part of me was saying that I know this was so." For her, the sense of incongruity was After the experience, rather than During. The incompatibility between her intellect and her experience led K to distrust the intuition, and to "test it out" by trying to bring back her feelings of despair, only to discover that she was unable to do so. Only then was she able to consider trusting her intuition. N recognized "it was so incongruous, the response to this scene" and "...it had no logical justification, it had no immediate explanation and my conscious will, or my conscious understanding just couldn't do anything to put it aside or calm it down." For the other co-researchers, there was no division between the perceptions and rational thinking. As L put it, "My reasoning and the experience were pretty close." She knew the reason for her restlessness and sudden urgency to get to Peter at the stables. H explained it with these words, "I wasn't puzzled or worried about it not standing with reason." 71 9. Unmediated Knowing The intuitive knowledge that one accesses occurs without reason or forethought. One is not aware of information beforehand that brings the intuitive experience about. One is unaware of inference and logical deduction. One does not say, for example, " l put this factor and that factor together and come up with this conclusion". "It defied all logic", said C. H's experience of accessing financial and business details surprised him immensely, "...in comes a whole bunch of ideas of how to finance this thing which is right out of my realm. I never was business-like at all.... so when the ideas of how to finance this multistaffed, big, far-reaching project came tumbling in and I wrote them down, I was awestruck, of course, it was just amazing!" O explained, "I had a great trust actually, no analyzing, everything was just fine." For her, there was an acceptance without question of her intuitive knowledge. 10. Sense of Direction The intuitive experience turns one clearly toward an unknown, yet specific direction. For L it was immediate, an urgent pressure to drive to the stables, "...and while Mom was getting the keys for me, l was moving...and getting closer to the door...nothing else mattered, nothing...! had to get there immediately." T's instinct was to get home as soon as possible, sensing that home would provide the answer to her "strange" experience, "I got very tense, knowing that something was wrong, and my first reaction was to hurry back home again." The sense of direction for C was apparent, she knew she was to marry B, "...at a deep level we were meant to be together." It was a course of action that related to personal relationships. O's experience was triggered by hearing her young man tell her she was to marry him. Her sense of direction, beyond her knowing that she would marry, included a vision of a new way of being, "...a sense of direction, in the surrendering to my heart" and "surrendering to life, being female, to...the sense of the human journey of loving, a marriage, children, ...to my total humanness and being part of that." For H, it was a visionary plan for 72 an ecumenical church community. He described his directive as "...moving into a field of effort whereby I shared more of my love and more of my insight in a more effective way with the people I came in contact with. So I wrote down things like this - a plan to express this love for mankind far more viably than I ever had...." 11. Certainty of the Knowing Without question, one knows in the depths of one's being what the experience is and that it is accurate. This certainty is a felt sense. In the words of the co-researchers, "a sense of absolute certainty of what was happening", "...having a very, very powerful sense of knowing", and "I had the feeling of something terribly wrong, something terribly wrong to life, the way we expect it to be and everything." T argued further that, "It was too real to be faked, it's not a figment of my imagination or anything like that." For C, there was no doubt at all that her experience was real and right. She said the most vivid part of the experience was: "the certainty....the inner feeling of certainty....The inner sense would say: But that's the thing to do". In O's story where she felt in another reality, she said, "I know I have been there, I'm certain...." In C's story, the certainty occurred in the After time period when the dream was actualized the next day. She connected her dream content, but time had still to elapse before the personal significance revealed itself. 12. A Merging with a Larger Whole One loses a sense of self as a separate individual during the intuitive experience as if one forgets who one is or one's boundaries are blurred. The most common description is that of oneness: H said, "I felt very much like part of everything. I'm part of the whole blessed cheese, that the cosmos couldn't get along without me and I can't get along without it"; and C, "A sense of oneness, oneness with the environment, the universe...oneness with this person next to me." C described the merging experience in a similar way, "It's actually feeling like everything and nothing all at 73 once." O's experience went beyond the universe to merging with " the Godhead": "My consciousness just zipped off and the only way I can describe it is, it went to the God beyond God where I knew that I had been since the beginning of time, since things began....and just let my attention flow out to have a look, and I know I did that at that moment that 1 went, and I didn't ever go as far as the God beyond God, let me tell you." One experiences this merger experience as being in another reality or world, as O indicated. "It was like having gone through a crack in the world to another world where the grass was the same, sky, it all looked the same, but it was like enchantment, not that it felt imaginary at all, it was enchantment of the realest kind, but it was that totally different view." In G's experience, reality shifted: "...It was as though the rest of my life was illusion, this was real." Another aspect of this theme is the sense of the loss of one's physical boundaries. N described "a floating kind of nonattachment" as though he "...had been cut loose, cut free somehow and there wasn't anything holding me to the earth." 13. An Altered Sense of Time One senses the passage of time during the intuitive experience in a variety of forms. Because of the powerful feelings and the magnitude of the experience, a time warp seems to occur: time stops, is lost, stretched or compacted. O had "no clue at all how long it lasted." Later, she added that there was "a sense of eternity" in her experience. For G, "There wasn't any time...there wasn't an awareness of time." Later, she also added a further time element about her intuition, "this timelessness, just a total timelessness." Included in this theme is time synchronicity, the occurrence of two events happening at the same moment without apparent cause. L left immediately upon experiencing the intuition about her horse, Peter, at 12:01 p.m. Her coach later told her that was the exact time she telephoned about Peter's emergency. T heard the "crack" and "thunk" about the exact time her son had his accident at the cement plant. In C's case, even though there was a time difference of several hours between her dream and the actualization of the dream, she explained "It was happening the 74 night before, it was also happening the next day and yet, it was still the night before...yet I still felt it as being one time...a merging of...or even a disappearance of time, like a oneness in time with the night before and day of occurrence being the same." 14. Sense of Connection with a Higher Self or Other During the intuitive experience one senses a contact and joining with a part of oneself that one is usually unaware of, a power that is greater and more profound. This higher self is beyond reason and emotion. N called it "somewhat other consciousness"; O described it as "a higher self or Cod-part of me." For H, "it was a part of me, like another level or depth." One can also experience the intuition as a communication from another. T believed that her son sent her a message as he was falling, "I think that moment that he landed or on his way down and had enough time to think a few thoughts, he may have just wanted to somehow communicate, kind of, you know, and that's just my own feeling about it." For Y, it was "In my work, information coming to me which the client wasn't providing which was at a much deeper level" and "sometimes it's very clear that it's coming from somewhere else." C's experience was that of deep bonding with B, a man she had met only four days earli»r, "and the experience was one in which the whole thing became quite luminous, very clear, bright light and had a sense of our being the first man and the first woman of the dawn spirit, a sense at a very deep level we were meant to be together." 15. Awe and Wonder One is awestruck with wonder and reverence at the fullness and significance of the experience. The encounter is something much greater than one ever imagines, with much richness and depths of feeling. K simply described it as "bliss...total serenity." G felt "a great sense of stillness, reverence, a sense of absolute certainty of what was happening." For O, it was the profound and wondrous experience of being connected with Cod, "And my consciousness just zipped off and the only way I can describe it is - it went to the God 75 beyond Cod where I knew that I had been since the beginning of time, since things began..." and "1 felt connected to the stars and the universe and the earth but this was connection with the Godhead...." One co-researcher experienced this theme in the After period, when the impact of the event had somewhat dissipated. L described, "I wasn't in awe of what was happening, I was trying to respond and to be in control. Maybe after, this would apply, but not during because there wasn't any time." 16. Experience Complete in Itself One has a sense that all aspects of the intuition are evident and fit together. The ultimate meaning may not be absolutely clear, as in N's situation, but the pieces of the experience fit together. N did not understand why he felt the "death energy" or why he envisioned the lance in his chest, but the elements of the intuition were complete in themselves. In the words of the co-researchers: L, "Yes, the parts all fit together"; T, "Absolutely, yes, without question. It was all there"; and Y, "This one was complete in itself, but I felt like I wanted to sit down and do it some more." For C, the recognition that her dream intuition was all-inclusive was that it "...is right in the fact I did have the feeling that everything was okay and in its place, and then afterwards when I realized all that had happened and thought it out, then it also did become complete at that point." There were two instances she felt completion, the dream itself, as well as after the real-life enactment of the dream. 17. Ineffability One might be able to describe the facts and details of the experience, but has difficulty with the feelings and the meaning. Language tends to be linear, and is inadequate to describe the feelings and concepts of an experience which are felt at the same time. H said, "You just can't put words to all these things...this is all so nebulous." T felt that her intuition was unique from every day experience, so it was extremely hard to find the words to describe 76 it, "You can't explain it to anybody. I find it hard. It was something that was so different." The difficulty with language is illustrated in C's words: "So hard to get a grasp of what it's feeling like because it's actually feeling like everything and nothing at all." At the end of the hour-long second interview with K, she laughingly added, "I've spent a long time talking about what's ineffable", realizing the effort and time involved in attempting to fully describe and explain her story. After the Experience. 18. Recognition of Having Gained Deeper Insight and Understanding of Self One discovers new aspects of the self that are clear and meaningful for the individual. One has a sense of having opened up a new level of understanding that was not previously available. One has a deeper respect for one's intuitive knowing. For T, it provided a new understanding of her intuition and her deeper trusting of it, "1 feel that there are other forces that we don't totally know or understand that do take place" which "reconfirmed my own thoughts, made me aware of myself...more positive about my own feelings, probably more open-minded, more receptive to other people's happenings." The knowing becomes so imprinted that one seems able to access the truth and rightness of it as a source of action and strength in the future. G gained profound trust from her experience that allowed her to carry through with her marriage to B, "tremendous in that...I really knew this man, at this very, very deep spiritual level." The insights and knowledge gained for oneself help to provide a structure for one's beliefs about the larger life issues of death, meaning, aloneness, a caring God. C spoke of her learning in several areas, "I definitely did gain deeper insight and understanding of myself and all that was around me...life and death, dreams...l could go on and on picking out all that I've learned from that intuition experience itself." For her, the experience illustrated again the deeper knowledge that she is connected with others: "You can't be in charge of other people's lives, and yet you also must realize that you're as much a part of them as you are of yourself...and they, of you...that's where the connecting comes from...." One realizes that there is another way of being and expressing oneself in the 77 external world that makes life fuller and richer. O's intense experience gave her a vision of how to live more fully in her life, to forgive her parents, to let go of her competitiveness and sharpness of wit, and to love herself. In her own words: "It was like having gone through a crack in the world to another world...it was enchantment of the realest kind, but it was that totally different view....Live and let live, but live and let live with such loving...a total commitment to live and let live...so that is how it changed my life....And I was just totally in my depths, happy, contented, I had fallen in love with my self...and therefore everyone else was just as precious as my Love, or as myself....I know I would not have had that depth of feeling for my children without that experience." There is a part of oneself that has knowledge that may not be rational or scientific, but it has validity in its own right, and one learns to give it credence. The understanding for Y was in the validation and confirmation of her intuitive imagery of her colleague's physical ailments and suggested treatment. Since then, she has developed deeper trust in what her "acute sensitivity" picks up from clients, "...and something just comes in...a sensation of energy....and at the same time, I'll also get that sense of okay, what's going on here? and without my thinking about it I'll start working on something with that person. It can be something physical or something emotional or spiritual or combination of all three. And immediately the two of us have gone into a much deeper level...." 19. Increased Strength and Empowerment One experiences an expanded and enhanced energy within oneself to make new decisions and to follow one's inner directives. L knew that her work with Peter had come to an end and in spite of her fears, she took action, "I got a job, and then I recovered very quickly...the motivation for that came from me". She also saw that strengthening as an ongoing process, which allowed her to cope with the later deaths of her grandparents, "1 think that with each experience 1 have had specifically from Peter onward, I progressed a little bit each time to the point where this 78 time, 1 walked into it and wasn't afraid, was not afraid for the very first time....Now that I've done that, what will come in the future, I won't be afraid." One feels that one is supported, that one is not all alone in the world. The sense of accessed personal power for O, C, K, and T pervaded their lives afterwards providing support during the difficult times of marriage and relationship (O and C) and of illness and recovery (T and K). H saw himself stretched to infinite limits, "I saw myself as magnificent and cosmic and so forth, still do....I felt ecstatic and confident....! had a feeling of unlimited possibilities, not only in the plan, but in me, in life." This new vitality, supported by his friend D's experience, drove him to actualize his vision. Y's experience gave her increased desire and trust to use her intuitive ability in her work, "It's given me more faith, more courage, more confidence in myself." Another dimension of empowerment is a flowing with the gentle movement of life which was evident for O. She described life afterwards as "ease, confidence, peace". She added: "One thing that is not in here is the humour, just the utter, joyous laughter of living, which I felt comes under the heading of empowerment with me. Just laughter." 20. Sense of the Experience Being a Critical Turning Point One recognizes that one's life changed course in a major way after the intuitive experience. For C, it changed her future life path from that of a woman dedicated to singlehood, to that of a married woman, "...until that Friday morning I was going to be a single, professional woman and following that Friday morning, I was going to be a married woman." For Y, it forced an examination of how she wanted to work using her skill with clients, "To come back and to start changing the way 1 work, and to start getting some training as well." In L's situation, the incident was the pivot point for giving up her Olympic dream with Peter, and going on to make "my first real adult decisions." O felt that the discovery of "surrendering to life" was the guiding star for living, "It was most certainly a critical turning point for me in that my lifeview was forever different...this glimpse of another plane of living has remained with me all these years." Life-threatening situations involved both 79 T and K, and their experiences gave them much needed inner strength which indirectly altered the outcomes. K said that she "probably could have come apart totally at that point, and it was a question of go that way or the other...yeah, I think that saved me, that experience." 21. Recognition of a New Position of Self After the experience, one has a sense of being changed. One sees oneself in a different relation to the world. Frequently this occurs after much self-questioning accompanied with feelings of doubt and insecurity. L felt that she "had to come to the realization that there couldn't be anymore, something had happened to him and I had to face up to that...coming to the realization that it's finished." There is often a reassessment of one's life values, and "a lot of rethinking of old ways" as C explained. She learned a new relationship with her dreams, that if they were not controllable, they needed special attention. In N's case, it was "a profound examination of my whole life structure and values and priorities and everything else", a total confrontation with his life stance in the light of his cancer. He later described in the second interview, this ongoing repositioning as he continued to live with his disease. "I'm drawing my circle large enough to try and fit it in, and to allow my meaning to encompass that as well." One sees the world as new and everything is possible. There was the sense of a magical relation with the world that O named a "midas touch," where "everything turned to gold, just everything, and I do believe that is how we're supposed to be, you see, I just know that is how we're supposed to be." K recognized her own individuality and this strengthened her sense of her personal path, "I became really a much more individual person...so I became stronger in finding my own direction....! was myself and the outcome of that wasn't always happy in terms of family ease....! guess I was different, different from the family...there's no other artist in the family...there wasn't really any appreciation for it and my whole direction seemed to be art, music, etc...this was me and it just intensified that, it just sort of reinforced the fact that okay, you don't have any choice, you've got to be you, like it or not, happy or not, this is what you have to do." 80 22. Deeper Sense of the Spiritual Dimension of Life One has a sense of making contact with something more. One experiences a deeper awareness of life in which one feels a connectedness with all of humanity. For Y, "...what's going on with you is also what's going on with me on some level," and for T, "There can't be two people far apart who make contact...there's got to be more there than just happenstance, at least I feel that way," and for C, "You also must realize that you're as much a part of them as you are of yourself, and they of you...that's where the connecting comes from." For some, there is a sense of one's interconnectedness with the universe and one's minute part in the universal pattern. As C described it: "I suppose it's like saying you recognize that you're a part of an infinite pattern, sort of a place in the universe that at one and the same time becomes aware of how infinitesimal and minute your part is. At the same time, how absolutely essential you are to the entire pattern. Without your own existence the whole pattern breaks down. The experience brought that deep sense of wholly connectedness with all that existed." This sense of universality transcends the self and is within the self. 23. Sense of a Supreme Power One senses a force of great power that exerts influence in one's life. This power is one's guide, one's advisor, and one's nurturer. Several of the co-researchers ascribed the power to God. K said, "I felt that this was something that had been granted to me by God....I trusted God...I was being looked after." T experienced God's presence, "I felt that the moment of that accident....there is a super power or a person. Some people don't believe in God, I do...and 1 think there is Somebody guiding your way." For H, the minister, "There's a deep awareness...that there is Somebody special and great and possessed by love and insight and relationship, cosmic..." The recognition of a personal, yet universal power influencing one's life turned some of the co-researchers toward a deeper involvement with spirituality and religion. K's redirection was "from the external world to the internal one". G described her 81 experience this way, "Old mystics would call it 'being in the presence of God'" and pointed to it as the beginning of her serious "spiritual seeking". Y pursued her spiritual searching in relation to her work as a therapist, "I'm pursuing this whole realm of energy, of spirituality, and how spirituality fits into the emotion and physical components of therapy....And it really makes me in awe of human beings, how absolutely amazing human beings are, and we really don't know, we really don't know what God is...we don't know very much at all how human beings work...." 24. Feeling of Being Graced One has the sense that one has been specially honoured and chosen for the experience. H felt both humble and proud at the same time, " l felt just like I was nothing there and yet that this was - I was honoured too. I must have been a ver,' important person to have this all pour into me. And yet it was so big, I was little. I felt little and big both at once." The intuition is accepted as a special gift or lesson for oneself, and elicits a deep sense of gratitude. C maintains, "I felt a connection between this person and I...because I felt I had been»allowed to see something that was different...! didn't feel responsible...! did feel however that being able to see this was a great gift and lesson, you know, in that it taught me a number of different things about life and about myself and about intuition...." One has the sense that this experience is sacred and granted by God, as in K's story, "So I felt that this was something that had been granted to me by God, you know...as a matter of fact, I think probably, the Christian term for it is 'grace'," and in O's, "There was such a feeling of being graced." T believed that she had been given her experience to "prepare" and strengthen her for the months ahead of her son's rehabilitation, "I think I was meant to be forewarned, to give me the strength to face what I had to face." 25. Certainty and Wisdom of the Learned Truth One appreciates the knowledge and insight gleaned from the experience with a deep 82 trusting and knowing that it is not a concept, but rather a lived-out truth in one's life. G said, "...tremendous trust in that....it was that experience that sort of carried me through all those...that this was meant to be. Otherwise, I'm certain I would have left him....Deep certainty about that, and that experience." It was this certainty of K's experience that supported her during the period before she could return to art school, "I would have called it confidence...! trusted...the confidence that whatever was going to happen was for the best, and I would be alright...! trusted, if you like...Yeah, I was being looked after, and so whatever I did was going to be what I should be doing. At the end of that period, I did get back to art school again." O's intuition transported her to a different plane of experiencing life that directs her still to this day, "I knew...and I know I have been there...it's like you know, from the revolving restaurant...you go there and you know what it is...I haven't always lived there, but I know it, I'm certain....There is a different plane to live, and it is the same world, but it's just on a different plane...so it is deeper, brighter, richer, it's as though a gray film has been pulled off....I have spent the rest of my life since then looking for and in the search for God, for the One, whatever...and I've spent a lot of my time before that as well on the same search." For H, the experience affirmed his previous learnings, "...this gelled it...This was kind of a jolt, this wonderful thing...! just meant an underlining, an underscoring, a new colour and a new taste of things I had known before." 26. Change in Relationship with Other(s) After the intuitive experience, one's relationship to the other is affected in different ways. Love relationships can deepen, as they did in G's and O's lives, G went on to marry B, O later married another man after the war, neither the man in her story, nor her fiance. For O, however, her experience profoundly altered how she related to other people as well, "Live and let live, but live and let live with such loving, a total commitment to live and let live...so that is how it changed my life. I used to have before that a competitive edge,...and that just vanished...everybody was entitled, like one of the crowd...it was wonderful and comfortable 83 to feel just one of the crowd and that didn't mean at all hiding my light, anything but....My sense of humour was just going a mile a minute....And an utter rush of forgiveness for my parents, because I was a battered child, for everyone who had hurt me in my life, I had a sense of loving towards them all and such a sense of acceptance of them." One is aware of what has changed, still cognizant of what has not, yet more tolerant of the situation. K felt that the difficult relationship with her sick Mother became "more loving" and "more tolerant" in spite of the issues that did not change. The relationship change is not only in the altered view of the other, but also in the modified behaviour with the other. L had to let go of her Olympic hopes with Peter, retire him, no longer ride him and spend less time with him. C's case illustrated a relationship coming into being on another level, where one existed unconsciously before it was consciously realized. She dreamed about a stranger, only to meet this man in real life the following day, "I sort of feel personal about it, you know...I was really close to the situation.,.1 felt a connection between this person and I...also showing me how really close we are to people we don't know....because you saw it before he ever knew about it and as a result you feel like...because I dreamt that, he died. Instead of because he died, I dreamt that, which would be perhaps more accurate." One's change in relationship with others benefits therapy alliances as well, as with Y, a counsellor using intuition in her work. She described, "They are already in an altered state of consciousness, so it's like joining them there....Now there's a lot of feeling there, so I'm operating more from a level of love and compassion....What's going on with you is also what's going on with me on some level." 27. Caution in Talking about the Experience One values the experience so deeply and is protective of it, recognizing that culture and society devalue and even ridicule such incidents. For this reason one is selective and cautious in choosing what to share and with whom. Most often, one shares with a significant other, only to discover that a similar experience has occurred for the other as well, as H did with D, and C with B. One has the fear of being seen as weird or strange because of one's 84 experience. O grew up in a family in which experiences like this were accepted, "My father was fey, my mother interested in the esoteric..1 didn't ever talk about these things outside my family. There was the slight implication, I think, watch who you tell because everybody doesn't understand this, you don't want people to think you're crazy." C's family situation was a safe one in which she could openly share her dream and discuss the implications. One's professional credibility can be jeopardized if experiences of this nature are common knowledge. Y noted that she kept her intuitions to herself until she could no longer contain them, then sought out a trusted colleague, "I don't know many other colleagues who would hear that without thinking I was completely crazy and who would maybe doubt the work I was doing." Most of the co-researchers noted that over time, they have talked more freely about their experience because they now know of its truth and validity, adding as well, that there is more openess and acceptance of such experiences now. In the second interviews, both K and C commented on the feelings of comfort and companionship knowing there were other people in this study who had had similar experiences. K said, "It's a great relief when you can talk about it, wonderful when you can. You don't feel alone, there's this feeling that 'It's never happened to anybody, I'm all alone in here, and am I going around the bend?'" C felt, "Good, less alone in the universe...my experience wasn't all that unique, there are these other people who have had these themes running through their experiences." It is important to note here that every one of the co-researchers was extremely pleased to speak of their experience, to have it acknowledged and validated as real, significant and meaningful. The recognition of the importance of their experience was compounded by their realization of its real value to any study of the human journey. 28. Recognition of Experience Being Different from Other Intuitive Experience One is quite clear that this particular intuitive experience is different from others in its power and impact. For G, it was not of the same order as her other experiences, "...seemed to be so unique that I didn't tie it particularly to my intuitive experiences. So perhaps there 85 was an acceptance and trust of that experience that I didn't see it being tied to other intuitive experiences." She added, "...different in that sense of knowing, there's an inner rightness, an inner certainty about it. It's quite different". One is very aware of the size and magnitude of the details of the experience which makes it stand out. H's vision of a possible church community, inclusive of finances, blueprints, professional and lay peoples, organization, step-by-step plans, etc. plus the confirmation of D's plan, emphasized the speciainess of his experience. The push towards action as a result of the experience makes it different for some individuals. L distinguished it, "...with Peter, it was a compulsion, I was driven, I had to, I had no choice. It was much stronger...." T had "never had an experience like that before...it was really the strangest thing", yet firmly believed she was "meant to have this experience" to sustain her. This sense of forceful premonition is the distinctive quality in T's story, as well as in L's. For another, the intensity and involvement of the experience is the striking motif that separates it from the common intuitions. Y contrasted the difference for her between intuition and "emotional impulse" in which the former has an "urgency about it and an overwhelmingness, where I'm sort of overcome with it, whereas the emotional thing is more like: I want a chocolate ice cream which is just a straight need or something." One often senses the impact and difference only with the passage of time, as with O, "It was different in the quality of the fallout from it, that the other experiences made me curious and full of wonder about them, they had to do with travelling out among the stars...but there wasn't the love, the eros or the agape, that sense of...I felt connected to the stars and the universe and the earth but this was connection to the Godhead...." It was the inability to control the dream and the intense fear generated from it that made the experience outstanding for C, "This was different: I couldn't turn it off....this dream was really scary and I couldn't turn it off, I did try and there was no way out." 29. Enduring Quality of the Experience There is a sense of the experience still being vivid and clear in memory even though 86 for some, years have gone by. In speaking about it, one is reawakened to the power of the experience and relives it. T recognized "my heart still races when I talk about it," and "the experience was like being branded, it's there for life." It remains strength-giving and a comfort, a talisman to hold in one's heart. O was moved to tears in her recalling the joy of discovery of a new way of being, then the pain of losing it during her marriage. She described her experience "I would have to say it was the most important event of my life....Actually it's the main reason I'm getting a divorce, do you know that...so that I can get back to that." Later, she remarked that the magic of her experience lingers still, "I would have no clue at all how long it lasted...the wonder is still with me...." For some, there is a long-lasting strength that dwells within the individual through light and dark times. K commented, "It lasted and lasted....It was strong in the sense that it wore well, it just stayed with me," and "But the magical thing about it was that it lasted so long." With the wisdom of one's life lived since the event, one adds depth and breadth of meaning to the experience. H put it in these words, "Yes, it's been the...without which, however they say at the Academy Awards, I could never have done what I did...Oh yeah, absolutely....None of these changes in me has made this experience different...! still feel that it's just as valid now as it ever was." 30. Sense of Being and Living in a Different Way The experience produces another perspective from which to view life and the world of self and others. This knowledge expands oneself, and results in moving and being different in many aspects of living. One reconnects with life at a deeper level, with more awareness and deeper involvement. One has a sense of being more attentive to life and more alive. Because one has touched something greater, one feels that one is more that what one is, that one is more whole. For some, there was a period of confusion and depression after the experience, after which further evaluation and restructuring occurred. In N's case, there was the grief of leavetaking from his friend as well as the puzzlement of his experience. These were further 87 compounded a few months later with the diagnosis of his lung cancer. N has been forced to examine over and over how to "draw my circle large enough to try and fit it in, and to allow my meaning to encompass that as well", and to live with the not knowing of his future, "So the certainty is the uncertainty!" L, also, fell into a depression after her experience, as she groped to find a direction for herself, "...sort of a repositioning of me, then a repositioning of the elements of my life, human and other." Since that time, she has continued to pursue her interests in philosophy and religion. There are the practical changes and adjustments one makes after a major shift in consciousness. One still lives in relationship, one still goes out to work to earn a living, and one still plans for the future. What is now different is the emergence of something from within, perhaps not crystallized, but shaping into some form that is real. It is this new vision that creates the being and living in a different manner. For O, it was "Ease, confidence, peace. It was 'yes-saying' to life. Like I saw everyone differently and somehow or other, they responded to me differently, so it was easy, peaceful. And I wanted nothing from them. I was just expressing who I was at that time....And I worked so hard, slept less than I ever had and that continued long into my marriage, that energy, no more than six hours a night and just going from early morning to late at night....It was like being in overdrive, not a driven thing, but a delight." Every one of the co-researchers agreed that the intuitive experience altered their thinking about the deeper spiritual dimensions of life. Over the years, several have turned to a "spiritual seeking", a "spiritual search" or a study of religion, spirituality, and philosophy. One can speculate that the intuitive experience tears open the hardened shell within to reveal the connectedness with other dimensions of deeper humanity within ourselves, with others and the universe. Once we glimpse that knowledge, we are moved to follow it. 31. New Acceptance and Trust of Intuitive Abilities Over time, one develops an acceptance and deeper trust and appreciation of one's 88 intuitive abilities. One becomes aware of its uniqueness and is more open to it, to attend to it, to discover its meaning in one's life. Furthermore, it extends to a valuing of intuition in others. For C, the intuitive dream experience provided insight into her ability to control her dreams: if she could not control it, the dream demanded immediate and indepth attention. With this information, she felt she could trust her dreams and its messages much more. She also recognized, "I learned that there aren't always times that just because you see this, you're going to be able to change it...intuition or precognition does not mean when it comes to you, that it's something that you're seeing now...and you can prevent it." One can believe that one's experience is a test case, a striking incident to show the value of intuition in one's life, as in T's case. "You either have to accept it and feel that you have to believe it or you don't, and I can't imagine why it happened if it hadn't meant to mean something for me....l'm probably more open-minded and a bit more receptive to other people's happenings....reconfirmed my own thoughts, made me aware of myself, that what I feel is right and true...I'm a bit more positive about my own feelings." There may be a circular phenomena with intuition. When the inner voice speaks, one trusts the message and follows it. As one continues to trust the inner self more and more over successive experiences, the trusting itself permits the openess for the intuition to be revealed. It is as if the boundary between inner and outer becomes more porous and more accessible. L stated, "I trusted myself and I didn't know what was going to happen....lt's trusting what happens inside of me that allows this sort of thing to happen." The increasing trust of intuitive experiences is often hampered by the old pattern of skepticism in spite of one's desire to trust more. The "little devil" as K named it, is the "brake" to help her attune her sensitivity to her intuitions. "1 do have this objective turn of mind and somewhat pessimistic turn of mind that keeps saying: No, you shouldn't trust that. The little devil! The rational pops in when it's not wanted. It's trying to put a brake on things, trying to keep me from sailing away...but I've been aware of an urge, even more lately, I 89 would like to be more keenly in tune with my intuitions. I don't mean just totally trusting of everything that comes into my head, but more aware of when this intuition is trustworthy and when it isn't." For N, there is a recognition that he has much further to go in trusting his intuition, in light of his personal experience. He asked himself, "I wouldn't want a prideful trust, call it a humble trust...a humble acceptance. 1 guess 1 ask myself: What is my relationship with intuition as opposed to proved truth, and I'm a skeptic for whom intuition is a yearning, as opposed to somebody who essentially operates all the time on intuition, and has a running gun battle with scientific proof, do you know what I mean?...I haven't abandoned the need for a rational base, because of my experience, let's put it that way. I have just made more room for the intuitional dimension." And to end this description of the themes, it seems appropriate to state once again, N's words: "...there's always an edge there because if you follow intuition, it will lead you out of what your fixed form is, and it's a voice that leads you into the unknown. And so there's always some experience of going beyond yourself if you follow it, and if you wait until everything says: Do it, of course, you're way behind times." The Narrative Description The themes of the experience were integrated and interwoven to form an account of the meaning of the intuitive experience. The following description is in linear form, but it must be remembered that a phenomenonological viewpoint is one that is holistic, thus the different aspects of the experience overlap in occurrence and duration. The themes are interlaced with one another, and do not make sense out of context with the others. They are identified individually, but interact and depend on each other to create the whole experience. 90 There is a synergistic effect, with the total intuitive experience being much more profound and meaningful than just the sum total of all its parts. The Description. The significant intuitive experience that provides meaning occurs in the context of one being deeply involved in a personal situation. The intense involvement might be part of the everyday life of homemaking, going to school, or working, but one is preoccupied with directing much energy and time to it. For some, there is an incompleteness of a situation, a searching for solution to resolve the issue. For others, there is a yearning or quest for that something more that is needed to make life complete. There may be a sense of opposition or being stuck that instills feelings of desolation and fear. For yet others, there is a puzzlement or question that requires answers. Then there is the easy-going day-to-day situation where there is just busy, ordinary activity. Accompanying these situations is the range of emotions ranging from contentment to despair. For some, there is an active searching for the answer to the dilemma, for others there is an expectant waiting, and for yet others, there is just the daily living in present time. Also in the context of one's life is a close relationship with a significant person or other. There is a deep bonding with the other that influences one's life on many levels. It may be a primary love relationship, or a special relationship with a parent, an animal, a close friend, or a client. The bond covers the range of time: it might be an enduring relationship of years or it might be brand new. If the latter, it comes about because the openess and trust between the two persons is instant and there is an immediate connection. The influence of the other in one's life is deep and profound, affecting one's emotional and psychological life. One is aware of one's involvement with a personal situation, but is not consumed with it. One goes about one's daily routine of living, with a willingness and openess to deal with what is to come. For some, there is a trust that one can handle the unknown. For others, the present situation is so desperate, that one is exhausted and just lets go, becoming 91 totally vulnerable in one's fear. In this state of openess, the mind and body are quieter and more receptive. This most often occurs in nature, during reverie or reflection, or frequently doing a ordinary task. In this calm and peaceful state, one is more readily attuned to one's inner self and surroundings. During one of these quiet occasions, one suddenly, without warning, has an unexpected experience. It is unexpected because it does not seem to be based on previous experience and knowledge. For some, it is unusual and strange and one is not prepared for the sensations, thoughts, feelings, and insights. There is the awareness of being taken over and engulfed by the experience. It is so strong that one is unable to control it in any way, even if one tries. One lets go to the experience and is carried along with it, allowing oneself to experience it totally. One becomes aware of one's extraordinary sensory perception. One can see one's surroundings most vividly in colour, shape, and detail. Or the visual field is clear and real in the mind's eye if one has an imaginal experience. The other senses increase acutely, sounds, smells, textures, tastes, movements that are now demanding attention and creating wonderment. The sensory information may last for a period of minutes or hours, or just for seconds, and one may or may not be aware of this. For some, there is just the totality of the physical sensations, for example, relaxation or propelling action. One takes in the heightened information, and does nothing with it. At the same time, one's emotional state is greatly amplified. For many, there is a sense of bewilderment of the experience itself, as well as the force of it. One's sense of reality and trust of one's perceptions are shaken drastically. Then the feelings around the intuition become evident. They range from utter bliss to utter terror, the extremes of emotions. One is overwhelmed by the intensity of the feelings which seems to penetrate one's very being. The magnitude of the feelings have never been so intense before. In most instances people explicitly or implicitly reveal that their experience is not based on intellectual processes. For some, reason and inner experience are in conflict; the 92 rational mind does not make sense of the sensations, emotions or details of the intuitive experience. In the rare case, the intellect and the felt sense are congruent; even though the experience is unusual, all elements of it tie together and make sense. In some instances, the incongruity is apparent only after the intensity has dissipated some and reflection begins. The rational mind insists on the experience making sense, and begins its dialogue with one's inner sensing. One is aware that the insight, knowledge and detail gained from the experience is immediate and direct. One is aware that it does not come from a deductive reasoning process but from some other source. One has suspicions about the nature and source of the knowledge, but one is unsure. The experience reveals a sense of direction that means movement toward or away from, something to come, or being able to move without obstacles. For some, the direction is to immediate action, one must not pause and lose time. For others, the direction is gentle, flowing and contemplative, suggestive of one's need to change, to be more open to life and to grow spiritually. New possibilities and ventures are revealed, giving one a sense of being able to direct one's life in a more positive way. One senses a certainty that the knowing gleaned from the experience is real and right for oneself. One has no doubt of the truth of the insight. As well, there is a strong conviction in the rightness of the learning for oneself at the time in light of one's life situation and readiness. One cannot always prove that the inner knowing is correct, but the strong sense of certainty is deeply felt. During the intuitive awareness, one senses a loss of individuality, as if one's boundaries have blurred. One senses a merging with a larger world or one senses one's minuteness in the greater pattern of the universe. For some, there is a sense of being in another reality or level of consciousness, where the real world becomes forgotten or illusory. The time sense alters. Seconds, minutes and hours are meaningless as time seems to become distorted or stops. For some, there is a premonition of another event occurring or . 93 about to occur. This altered sense of time creates a perception shift that seems to leave a lasting impression. One has a sense that the inner knowing is a communication from another source. This source is from some other level of consciousness, Cod or supreme power, or from some other plane within oneself. Whatever the source, one feels a connection and relationship with this other and views it as all-powerful, all-knowing, and positive. The intuitive experience is met with great awe and wonder. One is shaken with the profundity of the experience and the insights revealed. One feels honoured and privileged and may question why one was chosen for the experience. Humility is an aspect of wonder, and one has this sense about the experience. As the intuitive awareness dissipates, one has a sense that all the parts are there, it is complete. One may not understand the meaning or the purpose of the encounter, but one senses the wholeness of it. One realizes that the experience now requires reflection and thought to understand its significance. As one tries to sort out and describe the experience whether to oneself or another, one recognizes the difficulty in talking about it. There seems to be no words to accurately describe the process of the experience, its varied emotions and details. When one feels as if everything in the experience happens at once, it is impossible to put it in language that is only linear. After the intuitive event, one immediately senses that one has learned something deeper about oneself. As time passes, this knowledge becomes more integrated, trusted and expressed. One comes to know and understand more of who one is. For many, it is a step towards fuller development of one's capacities. One becomes more attuned and in touch with one's inner thoughts and feelings, as if one develops a witness self that is observant of oneself. One feels empowered to follow the inner directive, even if one is unsure as to the reason. One senses an increased strength and vitality, not only for the task at hand, but for 94 life in general. The energy spills over into all aspects of daily living and one deals with life's problems in an easier manner. One's perspective is broadened and inclusive. There is a different way of interacting with the external world, gentler and more trusting. The intuitive experience is a marker, life thereafter is forever different. Soon after the experience, one makes or is forced to make a major decision about the future. The decision concerns oneself and how one will relate to one's inner and outer worlds. It may be a decision to attend more to one's inner life and spiritual path; it may be a decision to express oneself differently with others in work and play; or it may be a decision to follow an unknown path with fortitude and trusting. One looks back and sees only from hindsight that the experience was a critical intersection in one's life. One recognizes that a change has occurred, that one sees oneself differently in relation to the world. One not only thinks and feels differently, feels stronger, and empowered to make changes, but one relates to the outer world differently because of this. One also views and experiences oneself in interactions with others. As one accepts oneself, one more readily accepts others. There is an openess to give and an openess to receive. For some, a reassessment of one'»whole life structure and values may occur, so one is thrown into insecurity and chaos. This new position is frightening and one begins tentatively from here to rebuild. For some, a time of withdrawal and reorganizing is necessary before one can shape a new framework for living. One connects with another dimension of life because of the intuitive awareness. It is a sense of the spiritual, a deep undercurrent of living that gives one meaning and a sense of purpose. One senses the "more" to life than the surface issues. This contact provides a fuller and richer sense of oneself as an individual and helps one to appreciate this in others. At this deeper level, one feels a oneness with all of humanity and the universe, the sense of aloneness is less acute, and one feels safer. One also senses the presence of an all-knowing and all-loving power. Some call this supreme force Cod, a Being that influences one's life in all ways. This power is a source of 95 strength, direction, nurturance, care and love. As well, it is a reminder that one has a higher self, a god-like self that is attainable and good. For some, this power is present within oneself; for others, the power is outside, an omnipresent force. This power motivates us to become more of who and what we are, and connects us with our high self. One recognizes that the intuitive experience was a gift or lesson in learning from that higher power. One feels humble and exceedingly grateful for the experience, even though it might have been traumatic. One may feel specially chosen for this experience, and feel that one now owes something. It is not seen as a debt to be paid, but as a gift that one can pass on to another. With the passage of time, one knows the certainty and the wisdom of the learning from the experience. One realizes that at the time, one may have been unsure and fearful of the outcome, but now, one knows that what did follow was right and necessary. One also recognizes that one had to have that experience to move to a greater self-knowledge and deeper level of living. The learnings alter one's relationship with the significant other. It deepens the bond or changes its direction. One is conscious of the effects and defines the relationship differently, and moves to express the changes. For some, the relationship change spills over to all others in one's environment. One is easier and more accepting of other people. These changed relationships usually have a longterm effect. The experience is so profound and precious, that one is very cautious in talking about it with others. There are a few individuals that one trusts with whom one shares the experience, they are usually people who have had similar experiences or are accepting of them. One is also selective as to what parts of the intuition to share, until one is absolutely sure that the whole experience is accepted. As one begins to share more, one feels surer within oneself and gives more credibility to the experience. One recognizes that this intuitive experience differs greatly from other experiences of this nature. The differences are revealed in the power and magnitude of the felt experience 96 and the vividness and clarity of the details. The depth and breadth of the spillover of the experience indicates the difference from the ordinary intuitions that one commonly describes. The experience is still whole and alive in spite of the passage of time. As one speaks of the experience, one relives the feelings and sensations, and the experiences come alive once again in its totality. Present day remainders can trigger the same flooding of that experience. The changes that occur afterwards are deep and lasting. The meaning and significance of the experience lingers to this day and for some, it is still a powerful support and guiding light. The greatest impact is the change in living and being different after the intuitive experience. One senses that one is forever changed for the better. There is a new confidence in oneself, a new courage and daring, and a deeper trusting that one can be more of who one is. The possibilities seem endless and one is moved to a fuller expansion of oneself. One follows through with pursuits that one never imagined possible before, and thrills with the inner and outer successes. There is a flowing with life, rather than a grappling with it. One senses an inner peace more than ever before. One now can accept and trust one's intuitive abilities. The test of time has led to this new position, as well as subsequent experiences for some individuals. One is more open to that inner voice and attentive to its messages. One is more willing to act upon the intuition, trusting its directive and its outcome, even if the understanding of it is not evident. One is more trusting of the power of the experience, in spite of its intensity of feeling, but recognizes that the force is there for a reason. As one becomes more familiar with one's inner knowing, one can more readily interpret its symbols and message. In this way, one becomes more knowing of oneself in its deeper dimensions. As one comes to trust one's own intuition, one comes to trust others and their intuitive capacities, and with this, a deeper bonding develops with these individuals. This acknowledgement of the deeper recesses of the psyche connects us and the others to the spiritual. 97 The Essential Structure The essential structure is a shortened description of the narrative description. It comprises the essential elements of the narrative to form a framework or pattern that is the core of the experience. Its purpose is to present the meaning of the experience as concisely as possible. The Structure. The significant intuitive experience that provides meaning occurs in the context of one being deeply involved in a personal situation. It may be in the form of an unresolved dilemma, a yearning for something more, a sense of opposition or simply immersion in a busy, active lifestyle. One directs much time and energy towards this issue, which results in emotional reactions that are intense and wide-ranging. Usually connected to the involved situation is a close relationship with some significant other. This bond, of long or short duration, influences one's life on many levels. One acknowledges the importance of the other in one's everyday life and in future plans. One is aware of one's priority situation, but is not consumed by it. One continues to go about one's daily routine. Immediately prior to the intuitive experience, the mind and body are quiet and open, very often this occurs in the outdoors during a time of reflection. The vulnerability and openess may also result from exhaustion when one is desperate and unable to continue on with the present situation. In this quiet state, one is more aware of one's inner self. It is during one of these calmer occasions, that one has a sudden and unexpected experience. It seems to come out of nowhere and feels strange and unusual. One has a feeling of being overwhelmed or engulfed in the experience with no ability to control it physically or emotionally. One allows oneself to be immersed in it and carried along with it. 98 One's senses are heightened to such a degree that the sensations and awarenesses are extremely vivid and clear. The perceptions are stronger visually for some, auditory for others, and tactile for yet others. Whatever the felt sense, there is usually one dominant sense over others. At the same time, one is aware of a magnification of feelings. Initially, there may be utter bewilderment and confusion at the immensity of the experience itself. One is overwhelmed with the intensity and range of emotions that are experienced. One's sense of reality and trust of one's perceptions are shaken. One is thrown off balance because the experience can not be rationally explained. There is conflict between the felt experience and one's intellectual understanding, and one is puzzled and confused. For the rare few, there is no incongruity and the whole experience makes sense to them. In spite of the incongruity, one senses that the revealed knowledge is immediate and direct. One is aware that it does not come from deductive reasoning, logic, or inference, but some other source, as yet unnamed. The intuition provides a sense of direction that can mean movement toward or away from, something to come, or ability to move without barriers. For some, the direction is clear and immediate; for others, it is more vague and requires contemplation or interpretation. New avenues are revealed, offering a sense of being able to direct one's life in a more positive way. There is a strong sense that the knowing is real and right for oneself. One has no doubt of the truth of the insight for oneself at this time in one's life situation. One may not be able to prove that the intuition is correct, but one has a deep conviction of its truth. During the experience, one seems to forget oneself, as if one lets go to a larger sense of the universe. It is losing one's sense of individuality. For some, there is a sense of being in another world or level of consciousness where the real world is forgotten. 99 The sense of time changes: it stops, is lost, or is distorted. Time seems meaningless. For some, there is a time synchronicity of two events happening at once: the event occurring and the perceiving of the event by the individual. One remembers the altered sense of time long after the experience. One experiences the sense that the inner awareness is from another source, be it another level of consciousness, Cod or Absolute power, or from some higher level within oneself. One feels a connectedness and comfort with this relationship. The experience produces great awe and wonder. One is shaken by its power and its revelations. There is a sense of humility in being honoured with the experience. As the experience dissipates, one recognizes that the experience is complete in itself. One may not totally understand the purpose or its meaning, but one senses the wholeness of it. One knows now that reflection and understanding must follow. In attempting to make sense of the intuitive experience to oneself or to others, one has difficulty in describing it. Language is insufficient to totally relay the felt experience, the emotions and details. After the experience is over, one senses that one has learned something of significance about oneself. One comes to know more of who one is and of one's capacities. One becomes more observant of one's thoughts and feelings and increases one's attention to their messages and meaning. With the deeper understanding, one feels strengthened to follow the directive emerging from the intuition. One has an increased sense of personal power and energy to deal with the situation placed before them. There is a greater trust in oneself. One realizes that the experience is a turning point in one's life. One is forced to make a decision in how one relates to one's inner and outer worlds. The decision relates to all areas of life: relationships, work, self-image, spiritual journey, etc. and affects one's future thereafter. 100 With the recognition of a life change, one realizes as well that one sees oneself differently in relation to the world and to others. An assessment of one's life structure often occurs, directly or indirectly, and one perceives the world from another position. One recognizes that one has touched a spiritual dimension of life through the intuitive experience. It is a deeper place of knowing, an undercurrent of living that offers meaning and purpose to one's life. One is comforted with this contact. One also senses the presence of an all-caring and all-knowing power that can be named Cod, or Absolute Being. One feels strengthened, supported and loved. One senses the source of this supreme force as outside oneself or present within oneself and one is moved to become more of what one can be. One feels chosen to have received the gift of the intuition and is very grateful and humble. One may feel that one now owes something, not as a debt, but as a gift that one can pass on to another. With the passage of time, one knows for certain the wisdom of the truth of the experience. One realizes that what was revealed and what followed were necessary for one's self-knowledge and personal growth. One of the aftereffects is a change in relationship with the significant other. The bond is deepened or is altered in a way that affects one's future. This change also spills over to one's interactions with others, one is more accepting of other people because one is more accepting of oneself. One recognizes that the experience is very precious and hesitates to share it with others. There are a few individuals that one trusts and will talk to, but one is protective of the experience. One fears being seen as strange or crazy in having such unusual experiences. There is a difference between this intuitive experience and others of this nature. The greatest contrast is the power and magnitude of the felt experience and the vivid clarity of the details. The impact and influence on one's life is another indicator that separates this experience from others. 101 In spite of the passage of time, one is still very close to the experience and its detail and feeling. It quickly comes alive again as one speaks of it. The meaning and importance of the experience serves as a foundation and powerful support even to this day. One realizes that as a result of the experience, one is now different. One expresses oneself with more assurance and courage, knowing that one is becoming more fully realized. One risks more in actions never imagined before. There is a sense of flowing with life, rather than pushing it. One senses an inner peace as one moves more deeply in spiritual pursuits. And finally, one accepts and trusts one's intuitive abilities much more. This particular incident has passed the test of time, and one's life circumstances since then have been proven true. One is more open and attentive to the inner voices, more able to understand their messages and meaning, and more willing and trusting to follow the directives revealed. It follows then that one becomes more knowing of one's inner world, allowing a more fulfilling and richer inner and outer life. N's Experience N's intuitive experience was notably different in several of the themes. As noted above, there were more similarities than differences, but the variations were sufficiently distinct in impact During the experience and influence After, that it is discussed separately. N's experience is unique and deserves special attention as an intuition that is so powerful and confusing that one does not know how to interpret its message, or what to do with it. Of the 31 themes, there were 24 themes that were similar and 7 that were different. The following discussion will present only the themes in N's story that are different from the others. In the During period of the experience, the Sense of Direction for N was unclear. The knowledge that he felt an inner yearning to die and the visual imagery of the impaled eagle was "so incongruous". He was overwhelmed and puzzled by this, he did not know what to 102 do. There was no clarity of meaning or any clues as to what direction to turn for meaning. He called the experience "a puzzling and inexplicable manifestation". The theme Unmediated Knowing points to a knowing that has no inference or rational base. N stated that there was no real knowing for him, "it was irrelevant to this particular type of intuition that I had". He agreed that he recognized the death energy "running in the body", but did not consider it knowledge which to pay great attention. For this same reason, the theme Certainty of the Knowing was not appropriate for N. "The intuition itself was a great mystery". The certainty in N's experience was limited to recognizing the death energy experience, even though he did not understand it. "I knew it was a death energy, but l didn't know what it meant, or what it was sent to communicate to me," and "...the knowing I wanted to die, or the knowing that there was a very powerful force that wanted to die in me was so rationally impossible to integrate that I just didn't know what to do with it". He added further, "I'm aware that...what other people have talked about is some kind of a knowing that is directly applicable or relevant to something they were doing or a decision they had to make or, normal cognitive information. In this case, I was bewildered, it had no apparent relationship to my normal reality." In the After period, N's experience was greatly different from the others in the two themes Recognition of Having Gained Deeper Insight and Understanding of Self and Increased Strength and Empowerment. It was only upon learning of his cancer two months later that he understood the message of his intuition. He stated that there was no insight gained or new understanding of self directly resulting from the experience. He felt no increased strength or enhanced powers. As a matter of fact, his world fell into chaos, with the diagnosis of his disease and the ramifications of living with a terminal illness. He does not have any sense of a clearer understanding of himself from the intuition. "And ! still, even now, knowing that the intuition was referring to my cancer, I still wouldn't be able to say what is my deeper insight as why the cancer has come, and all that". For N there was no empowering, rather the opposite, 103 of undermining, "...my whole perspective of knowledge and mastery was in question as a result of this...understanding, control, the entire bag was just right oh its ear". Another major difference for N was the theme Sense of a Supreme Power. He believed that an experience that connected one with the Absolute usually was positive and enhancing, not terrifying and earth-shattering. "I guess that it would be an experience that connects you with the transcendental realm, and that could be seen as a supreme being, or as a larger truth, organization or reality, or whatever...that you can't understand. And maybe in the broadest sense, there is something like that that is underlying, but definitely this experience does not connect me with being in the presence of a supreme being, or seeing the workings of a supreme being, or anything like that". The theme Certainty and Wisdom of the Learned Truth was not true for N's experience. For him, there was no sense of a new insight that emerged from the experience, let alone a certainty or wisdom from it. His words described it best, "The nature of this experience worked against certainty, worked against the sense of actual known truth. If anything, this experience took me apart and took apart all certainty. It was the beginning of a real plunge into chaos, and so I did not have a feeling of certainty, of wisdom or anything else. I had a feeling of having had the rug pulled out from under". When asked in terms of the theme applying now two years later, he said his answer was the same. In summary, the dissimilar themes for N centered around those that concerned the knowing itself. N felt and perceived the actual experience, but he did not understand the symbols or its meaning, which varied somewhat from the others' stories. All the themes that focussed on the knowing, then were inappropriate for N. He thought that the other themes were true and "essential dimensions" for his experience. 104 CHAPTER V - DISCUSSION An analysis of nine intuitive experiences yielded 31 common themes which were woven into a narrative. Co-researchers validated both the themes and the narrative composition. Although the reported experiences varied greatly, from premonition and mystical vision to creative production and clinical insight, there appears to be a common structure that unifies these experiences. However, there was one major difference. For some, the impact of the intuition was felt during the experience. For others, the impact was experienced later when the intuition was personally validated. Limitations of the Study Since the study is based upon self report, it is limited to what people were capable of reporting, and affected by factors (e.g., culture, memory, etc.) that influence selectivity in reporting. However, this difficulty is mitigated to a large extent by emphasizing what is common to many people rather than to just one person. That is, a concern about the accuracy of a particular theme begins to lose force when it is reported over and over by other co-researchers. Still, a person can report only what he or she is capable of reporting and much of the experience of intuition seemed beyond conscious awareness or ineffable. Indeed, it could be argued that the moment of intuitive knowing was not penetrated. Rather, it was the enveloping experience that was investigated, not intuition itself. While this seems accurate, the aim of this study was to investigate intuition as lived. It was simply not recognized prior to the investigation that intuition would remain veiled in reported experiences. The result is that there is now a reasonably faithful account of the experience, but in the very centre of this experience, intuition itself appears more as a question than an answer. To use a familiar distinction in the literature, some knowledge about the intuitive moment has been gained, but specific knowledge of that moment is elusive. 105 With only nine co-researchers, no claim of generality can be made. However, from the viewpoint of existential-phenomenology, the portrait revealed in the results is regarded as ongoing, the provisional beginning for further dialogue (Colaizzi, 1973). Generality is achieved not by one study, but by an ongoing dialogue as other researchers check, expand, sharpen, and challenge the themes to more faithfully reflect an experience. Theoretical Implications It is difficult to make comparisons between the views of the classical and contemporary intuitionists and the results of the data, due to the philosophers' level of abstraction. The experiential data of the co-researchers seem somewhat removed from the abstractions stated by the philosophers. For example, in this study, there was no entering into an object to know its uniqueness or its truth. However, there is one point of agreement with the philosophical position, that of the interconnectedness of all things (Spinoza, 1949). There was a blurring of boundaries, and the sense of union with nature, humanity, the universe and a supreme being in the co-researchers' stories. However, the philosophical view of intuition as the path towards absolute truth is difficult to align with the present accounts. The co-researchers might agree that their experiences were like a doorway to a deeper knowledge about themselves and their place in the universe, but would they state it as their ultimate truth? For the position of "intuition as unconscious inference" (Hathaway, 1955; Berne, 1977; Westcott, 1968), the data would provide little hard evidence. The varied intuitive experiences could not be simply a deduction based on past or present evidence, and in which the deductive process was not conscious. An element of this phenomenon is indicated in people's inability to logically or rationally explain their experience even though they felt certain it was true for them. L had no signs whatsoever that her horse Peter was ill; her previous contacts and information about him indicated he was healthy. The same would apply to T, who suddenly knew that her son D had had an accident. In a different context, H did 106 not view himself as business-like or a planner, yet his intuitive insight revealed knowledge about those areas. Another aspect not addressed by this group of researchers is the occurrence of strong affect in intuitive events, the sense of being overwhelmed with surprise and wonder (Noddings and Shore, 1984). The findings in this study can be contrasted with the works of Bastick (1982) and Summers (1976) who both surveyed the characteristics of the intuitive experience. Bastick's (1982) qualities emerged from his review of the literature on intuition, not from personal reports. Some of the findings of this study support those described by him. The emotions and the perceptions are complete in themselves, and there is a strong subjective sense of certainty about the insight revealed. There is a great sense of accessing a global field of information during the encounter; it is this that overwhelms. The emotional involvement is acute and very intense, not only preceding, but also during the event. There is one area of difference: only six of the nine co-researchers stated there was tension between their rational thinking and their felt experience. Bastick (1982) reported that the contrast between intuition and logic was the primary property of the intuitive experience. Summers' (1976) phenomenological study of written self-reports produced results of common elements with this study, but lacks depth. The dialogal approach used in the present study allows for a more penetrating discussion and for richer material. Summers surveyed in great detail elements such as whether the subject was alone or with another, in familiar or unfamiliar settings, and specified the whole range of feelings and sensations experienced. The present study supports her figures regarding the occurrence of the event in familiar surroundings (70%), but not for whether one is alone or with another. Her results indicated that 63% were by themselves, whereas the present data show only 33% were alone when the experience happened. She found in her study that individuals' intuitions centered more on a close other than on themselves (41% and 32%) whereas the present study figures are 44% and 55%. 107 Summers' research resulted in ten central themes which are similar to those of this study: awareness, certainty, intensity, directionality, temporality, unexpectedness, relation to the rational mode, feelings, bodily sensations and reactions and meaning. The major point of contrast is in the area of meaning. Summers found that people afterwards felt more open and positive about themselves and others and about life. She named four subthemes: listening to inner voice, self-confidence increased, increased self-awareness, and realization of intuitive part of themselves. The present study brings Summers' subthemes into sharper focus. For example, the first four themes of the After cluster are specific elements of Summers' subtheme of "increased self-awareness". What is noticeably missing in her study is any direct reference to another level of consciousness or a spiritual dimension. A reference is made in a discussion of "openness" as "a clarity of vision....a sense of an expanded awareness to include all that can be known-a universal vision" (p. 168), which could suggest another level from which to extract meaning. In this study, the sense of the interconnectedness of all things is mentioned by almost all the co-researchers and was notably absent in the Summers' study. Even though this study examines the intuitive experience, different from Jung's intuitive personality, one point must be made* Jung described the intuitive person as perceiving future possibilities. The following themes in the co-researchers's experiences illustrate this: Sense of Direction, Deeper Sense of the Spiritual Dimension of Life, Sense of Experience being a Critical Turning Point, and Sense of Being and Living in a Different Way. Jung stated that intuition "can supply certain data which may be of the utmost importance for understanding what is going on in the world. It can even foresee new possibilities in more or less clear outlines, as well as events which later actually do happen" (C.W. 6, 1960, p. 410). The themes in the stories relating to the certainty and conviction of the insight were clear: Certainty of the Knowing and Certainty and Wisdom of the Learned Truth. The notion of such conviction from intuitive experiences was upheld by Jung, "Neither reason nor feeling can restrain him or frighten him away from a new possibility, even though it goes against all 108 his previous convictions....a loyalty of his vision and in voluntary submission to its authority" (C.W. 6, 1960, p. 368-369). The individuation process is the life work of each person, according to Jung's theory of personality. It involves becoming more conscious of one's total Self by bringing what is unconscious to consciousness (1960). This comes about via dreams, meditation and other forms of quiet reflection. Intuition is one of the ways to further this process. The co-researchers' experiences indicate the deeper part of the person being expressed or becoming manifest. They also expressed a sense of awe and humility about their experiences, again indicating that intuition could be a communication from the Self - the core of one's being. They later confirmed the effects of the experience on their personal lives, spiritual growth, and views of the world. They attested to a life change from the intuitive event. The analysis of the data indicates that when the co-researchers were quiet and unfocussed, the spontaneous awareness came into consciousness. This is further supported by the notion that intuition is enhanced by structure and organization in the ordinary routines of life (Noddings and Shore, 1984), as was evident in T, L, H, Y and C's experiences. They reported the experience as an immediate coming together of many pieces at once - a gestalt -complete and clear. Thus the intuitive process was not sequential and logical, but holistic. And it is this holistic process that is characteristic of the right hemisphere or the intuitive-receptive mode. The findings of this study support further the elements of the receptive mode that Deikman outlined (1982). The self is "undifferentiated, unlocalized, not distinct from the environment, blurring or merging of boundaries" (p. 72). The themes Merging with a Larger Whole, Sense of Connection with a Higher Self or Other, Deeper Sense of the Spiritual Dimension of Life, and a Sense of a Supreme Power all characterize this quality of the intuitive-receptive mode. The individual loses the sense of separateness and allows oneself to be taken over or immersed in the experience. Deikman noted that the sense of time changes from absolute time to relative time. The data support this altered time sense. The 109 measurement and experience of time becomes irrelevant, and the sensing of time shifts, is lost or stands still. The above characteristics are again indicative of the intuitive-receptive mode dominance. Implications for Counselling The counsellor has an advantageous and primary role in creating a more supportive environment for the inclusion and acceptance of intuition and intuitive experiences into the field of counselling and therapy. It would seem necessary that the counsellor be as knowledgeable as possible about the subject, as well as having explored his/her own beliefs, biases, and inner experiences of intuition. The themes that arose from the co-researchers" statements include words that are not common to the language of psychology, words such as "grace", "wisdom", "knowing", and "empowerment". This study assists in legitimizing the language base of the discipline. One of the objectives in counselling is to facilitate change for the client. What is evident from the findings of the study is that the intuitive experience did initiate change for the individuals. It follows then that counsellors can encourage clients' accessing their intuition to assist them in the daily problems of living and the larger issues of finding meaning in their lives. Suggestions such as those outlined in Deikman (1982), Goldberg (1983), and Vaughan (1979, 1985) can invite and nurture the intuitive-receptive mode. Furthermore, counsellors need to provide support for the changes that emerge from experiences such as these. inviting clients to speak of their intuitive experiences might necessitate a gentle, direct request. Once the therapeutic relationship has developed, the counsellor can ask the client if s/he has ever had experiences about which they have known something without understanding how they have known, or as general as whether they have had any unusual kinds of experiences in their lives. In this study, the personal value of the intuitive experience for each co-researcher was immense. For G, the experience provided enormous support throughout the rough years of 110 her marriage. For O, it not only sustained her in her difficult relationship but yielded another way of living in the world. H's vision for a new church propelled him to action to create a more inclusive community for himself and others. Counsellors can help clients to derive personal meaning from their experiences. The intuitive experience was seen as a critical change point in which the daily ego concerns were transcended, and confrontation with one's complex nature occurred. There is an invitation to become "something more". The experience moves one to acknowledge the reality of another level of awareness, a higher consciousness or spiritual awakening. The incident is a symbolic growth experience (Frick, 1983, 1987). If this is so, counselling must move beyond the present limits of behavioural and cognitive change, to include the transpersonal and spiritual domains. Issues such as truth, beauty, altruism, love, and meaning will have to be addressed. The data showed that individuals were careful in talking about their experience with others. One can only speculate what might have happened if an empathic counsellor had been available afterwards to listen, to affirm their experiences and to help draw out their potential meanings. The sense of being overwhelmed by the powerful feelings and sometimes intangible messages can be less frightening in the company of a counsellor who acknowledges and encourages their release and acceptance. It follows that the helper have some indepth experience of dealing with the full range of emotions that surface and overwhelm during these intuitive events. In the area of multicultural counselling, there is a great need to allow for experiences such as these that are more acceptable and "normal" in the client's home culture. An example of this might be a aboriginal or native client dealing with a vision or voice directing him towards a specific decision. These directions would originate from their cultural and religious beliefs. Another example might be an Asian person telling of a dream in which an aged ancestor spoke to her. Needless to say, instances in which clients would tell of their stories would only occur in an alliance of deep trust. 111 The co-researchers indicated that their involvement in this study helped to expand the meaning of their experiences. This would indicate that reliving or reviewing previous significant experiences can allow deeper insights to occur. With the increased awareness and experiences of life lived over time, new and broader meanings emerge. Counsellors can facilitate this broadened perspective. Intuitive experiences such as the varied ones in the study need to be seen as valuable statements of one's experience and advantageous in understanding another person. Several co-researchers said in their second interviews how relieved and pleased they were that other people had had similar experiences and that there were so many commonalities as indicated by the themes. The uniqueness was already acknowledged; they needed to know that their experiences were also normal and common to others. Counsellors can assist in making intuition and the intuitive experience more acceptable by talking about it, acknowledging its presence, inviting and fostering its occurrence, and advocating its significance in every aspect of life. The meaning of the experience is more important than the content or interpretation of the intuition. The cognitive dissonance often resulting from the experience forces the rational mind to restructure another frame of reference for the intuitive experience to fit, and this new framework involves a wider circle that embraces the former, smaller circles (to use N's metaphor). The client's intuitive experiences can be focussed for extracting meaning in a similar manner as with metaphors, projections, and dream material. It is this process of deriving meaning that deepens self-trust in the clients and expands their world view. They see deeper within themselves and in others, they see possibilities, and they sense an inner strength to act and be different. The themes from this study can assist the counsellor and client in deriving meaning from the intuitive experience, particularly the themes related to learnings, wisdom, life change, and spirituality. 112 Implications for Future Research Further research is required to document this important phenomenon. Possible areas for inquiry are: 1. the relationship between self-development and intuition. 2. how trust/distrust of intuition affects the occurrence of intuitive experiences. 3. the change in meaning for the individual immediately after, a short time after, and years after the experience. A. how counsellor's attitudes affect intuition in counselling. 5. the impact on counselling with counsellors with strong intuitive development and those without. 6. the role of empathy in intuition. 7. variations of the experience. 8. the process of intuition. 9. the physiology of the organism during the intuitive experience. 10. the role of meditation in bringing about intuitive experiences. 11. the development of instruments to measure intuitive ability. 12. the spiritual nature of the intuitive experience. 13. the role of intuition in spirituality and/or religion. 113 14. the commonalities and differences among the intuitive, peak, mystical, imaginal and the "symbolic growth experience" (Frick, 1983, 1987). 15. is there a "collective intuition" (Ferguson, 1980; Suzuki, 1980)? 16. how social attitudes hinder/facilitate the intuitive experience. 17. the formal implementation of intuition in all levels of the educational system. 18. the occurrence of intuitive events in specific groups: children/families/primitive societies/cultural/ religious. This study can only provide a base for a dialectic. It is up to other researchers to refine and check the data revealed in this investigation. Summary Over the centuries, various positions have been taken by philosophers and psychologists on intuition, its value and credibility. What has been lacking in the writings and studies has been an account of the lived experience of intuition and its personal meaning. The significant intuitive experience that was meaningful for the individual was studied through the existential-phenomenological method of research. Interviews were conducted with nine adult co-researchers. Each of these individuals had a significant intuitive experience and were able to speak about it with the researcher. The data were analyzed using Colaizzi's (1978) and Cochran and Claspell's (1987) format, resulting in an extraction of thirty-one themes in three clusters of Before, During and After the experience. The experience was recalled with great awe and wonder. It was found that the intuitive experience created meaning that has endured over time. The discovery of deeper insight into self, an enhanced 114 personal power and the sense of a spiritual dimension in life are some of the meaningful changes that resulted. This knowledge still motivates these individuals as they continue to explore deeper levels of spirituality and personal growth. The data in this study support the recent studies in consciousness (Ornstein, 1972, 1974; Deikman, 1974, 1982; Vaughan, 1980, 1985) in which an attempt is being made for a greater harmony of the intuitive-receptive mode (right hemisphere) and the rational-analytic mode (left hemisphere) towards a "whole-brain knowing" (Ferguson, 1980). Epilogue What was very evident in the psychological literature on intuition was the absence of the spiritual domain. Modern studies kept intuition separate from the sacred, as researchers attempted to measure intuition scientifically, to assign cause and effect and to fit it into categories. This study on people's intuitive experiences indicated a strong spiritual nature that has resulted in deep personal change and transformation. For some, the intuitive experience was a religious experience, in which the conscious self became open to a deeper, spiritual realm. The intuitive experience marked a point of recognition that there was "something more" to everyday life. Does this mean then that the intuitive experience is our entry or doorway to our spiritual or religious selves? Does this further indicate that accessing our intuitive-receptive mode can broaden and deepen our existence in the world? Does this mean that we should be inviting intuitive experiences more in ourselves and in others? Is this a strategy for deriving meaning in our lives? How will this affect our society and our world community? These questions become more profound as one reflects on the possible impact that intuition might have. The data in this study indicated that the intuitive experience forced an examination of the experience in the context of one's present life and future. The tension between inclusion or rejection of the intuition, the gradual changes that became evident, and the integration of the new knowledge are all elements of the After period. Once the knowledge was glimpsed, 115 these individuals could not turn back or forget. The impact was profound. The "role of dissolution and detachment is to expand consciousness, to become a higher being" (Cochran & Claspell, 1987, p. 145), thus individuals were forced to confront the new knowledge and to deal with it, trusting that that there was no other alternative at the time. There was a deep sense that the experience was unique and that one must move through it. Therefore, people emerged from it different with changed life perspectives and meanings. There was a relationship between the amount of time between the experience and the clarity and meaning of the After themes. In the study, this period ranged from three months to forty years. Only two experiences occurred within the past two years. One might assume from the data that meaning emerges and continues to unfold as one looks back and observes the experience in an expanded context of life lived since then. "In a story, the stress on the meaning of events falls at the end...appropriate closure reveals the real meaning, placing what came before in a different perspective" (Cochran & Claspell, 1987, p. 169). Several of the co-researchers remarked how their participating in the study, reliving the incident by talking about it, focusing on the themes, and reviewing their lives since the experience - these all contributed to a greater understanding and deeper appreciation of their experience. They were surprised by the number, the wide range and the depth of the themes. One might conclude that by having participated, the co-researchers deepened further the significance of their earlier experience. They are reviewing it in the context of their present lives, re-exploring from other perspectives and unfolding new meaning for themselves. The endings of their stories continue to be revealed and the concern is about how to live (Cochran & Claspell, 1987). One can speculate even further, if intuition is the entry to our deeper, spiritual selves, is this a path or way to seek the answers to the existential life questions such as: Who am I?, Why am I here? and What is my life work? Some will answer "yes", and the process is still for each human being to find his or her own intuitive capacities and to access them for discovering life's meaning. "...There's always an edge there because if you follow intuition, it will lead you out of what your fixed form is, and it's a voice that leads you into the unknown. 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The atman project: A transpersonal view of human development. Wheaton, 111: Theosophical Publishing House. Wilbur, K.., Anthony, D., & Ecker, B. (1987). Spiritual choices: The problem of recognizing authentic paths to inner transformation. NY: Paragon House Publishers. APPENDIX A: Protocols 125 Transcript #1 (Case T) I: Please try to recall in detail a significant intuitive experience that you've had, if you would tell it as a story with a beginning, middle and an end. T., you might begin by describing what was going on in your life just before the incident happened. T: Well, it was summertime 1973. School was out so it was very busy in our family. I have five children, and that summer D. was 20 years old and working at a cement factory. M., 19, was over in Ireland attending a training program to do with horses, she loved riding and such. The rest of the kids were doing their own special activities in sports and things: L. was 15 then, C. was 14, and K. was 7. You can imagine how it was, always going in different directions at the same time with such an active family... and, of course, in the summer things weren't as organized. It was wild! The kids were always active, doing something ...and I'd be driving them to their individual activities, which I really loved to do. I was probably occupied with gardening and painting then, lots of coming and going...! was fortunate in that the kids got along well with each other...the younger ones really looked up to D., you know, the big brother...It was actually July 12th that this incident happened. The youngest, K., attended UBC Soccer School because he was one of these kids who had to be kept busy on holidays. That was fine, so on my way out to pick him up which was between 11:30 and 11:45, I was driving up University Boulevard and all of a sudden, I heard this "Crack", just sounded like a crack, rather than...just like a bolt of lightning, more like thunder, just a sharp crack ...and I looked over just in a certain direction that I heard it, and at the same time I put on my brake and pulled over to the side and said: Something's happened! And I was very anxious, I knew it was something, so l continued on to pick up K. because ! was almost there, and picked him up and came home. When I came home, there was a message to call Mr. T. And he was the owner of a cement plant that D. (eldest son) worked for. And so I called Mr. T. and he told me that there was an accident and D. had fallen, and he'd come by and pick me up and take me to the hospital. D. was already on his way, because apparently what had happened, they had first....one of the fellows there experienced with mouth-to-mouth, and they had a procedure where if an accident happened, they'd get an ambulance, send a man out to the road...it was just very quick. So I didn't really know what happened at that particular time yet, because Mr. T. didn't want to say. So when he picked me up, I asked him what happened he said: I'd rather the boys tell you what happened, because he wasn't there, he'd heard from them what had happened. So anyway, during that...when we got to the hospital, and it was awhile before we got in to see D. And so I went in, I wasn't shaking, you know, but when I got in there, I just...he was on a respirator, and of course, I just stroked him and I said: You're going to make it, D. (voice full of feeling)...you know, just like that...anyway, so that was really the beginning, I suppose...After that, we found out that what had happened was that D. and the boys had taken a fairly early lunch apparently, and he was in perfect physical condition for football. And, of course, it was about three or four of them, I think, they decided instead of going the conventional method to the top of the hoppers, that they would haul each other up on a rope. So that's what happened, except they all got up there but D. was the last one up, but they ran out of rope. So then, it was thirty feet to the ground, and they couldn't haul him up and so he fell, you see, and that was thirty feet. And so he probably had a few seconds to think on his way down, so... anyway, what happened was he landed on his... he must have stretched a bit, he cracked a vertebra and then he landed on the side of his head, it was on cement...blacktop...I think it was cement, and he severed a hearing nerve in one ear. And was unconscious, of course,...then they hauled him off to the hospital. And so...I think, that to me, that moment that he landed or on his way down and had enough time to think a few thoughts, he may have just wanted to...just...somehow communicate, kind of, you know, and that's just my own feeling about it... 126 I: You're saying that that's what you might have picked up from D.? T: It must have been, because the sound came from the exact direction and when I heard that sound, got that message, I pulled over as I said, and stopped. I looked at my watch and then, I had no idea what time the accident was, but when I got home and phoned, and it was almost to the minute that it happened. And, so that basically was the...l have no doubt whatsoever that there was something there that he wanted to tell us, or reach us. I: I'd like to go back a bit and get in more detail about the drive out there. You said you heard this crack... T: Like a bolt of lightning... 1: Outside or inside? T: It was outside, it came from the direction where the cement plant was where he had the fall. I: Do you remember what you were thinking about, or what you were feeling before the crackling? T: I wasn't feeling anything, I was just...it was a lovely hot, hot day, and I was on my way to pick up little K. It was a happy thing, I loved doing that, and I had no premonitions whatsoever, and so, it came as a...it was just a totally spontaneous thing... I: You pulled over, you said? T: I pulled over, because I thought I'd had hit something first of all, I forgot to say that...but that's what I'd thought, maybe it was a dog or something, although there was that sound of perhaps hitting something, but there was nothing there, you know, just nothing... I: So what did you feel inside before you thought anything? T: Well, instinctively, well, ...something's happened! Something's happened, you see...something's happened, and...so I was very anxious to get K. and get home, to see if... I: You knew that it had something to do with maybe home or getting home... T: It had something to do with the... I think somehow 1 knew it may have been D. but I didn't want to face it. That's really what I think, because you don't want to think that someone's been in an accident, you know. I: So you felt anxious and a little bit fearful? T: Oh yes, my heart still races when 1 talk about it, you see, my ears get red and my cheeks gets flushed, so ... I: So immediately you went out to get K... T. It was only a few minutes from where it happened, but when I got home, I got the message, there was the message that I should call Mr. T., I thought I knew...I knew... I: How long did the feeling of anxiety stay with you, were you anxious all the way from picking K.? 127 T: Since it happened until I got home, until I found out what had happened, whether it was that serious or whether it was really an electric shock, or some short circuit in some wires or something like that...it was really the strangest thing, I'd never had an experience like that before. I: So after you heard the "crack", you pulled the car over, and then you had the thought about something has happened... T: Mm-hm...that's right, something's happened... Immediately it came out, almost spontaneously, it came out - something's happened, but it was not anything that was normal, what I consider normal, not that it's not normal, but that it wasn't usual and it wasn't something that was logical that you could say that it was power line bolts or something... I: It sounds as if this event was really vivid? T: It was vivid, extremely vivid...it was too real to be faked, it's not a figment of my imagination or anything like that at all, but it was really something. I: What's the part of the experience that stands out most for you? T: When I think...I find it hard...I've thought about it so much, I've never had another experience like it and I just felt it was, gee, it was something that was so different...! really feel that there are forces, you know, that we don't totally know or understand that do take place, and you can't explain it to anybody...! really feel that. I: You believe that now... T: Yes, absolutely! I always did a little bit, because several little things have happened, nothing of consequence in my life, but it's either destiny or for some reason or other, you're supposed to know that. I: You had said when we were talking earlier, that D. is your eldest child, that you had a strong connection. T: Yes, he was the first one. He's a very maternal, still is a very maternal boy, and sometimes, I think you get very attached to your first baby, and I had him alone a lot, because K. (husband) was away for a long time. And, actually, I think, D. was a baby of three months, then he was away for six months, so he was nine months before he came back. And, but he was just a beautiful baby, lovely little...but of course, all mothers say that...(laughing). I: Did you think of this experience much during the few days after? I realize that D. was in hospital then, so you were probably experiencing a lot of anxiety just about his accident, but I'm wondering about the experience itself, did you contemplate it? T: I had told a few friends but as I say, they're only people that would understand it, you know, that...I have a friend that feels the same way as l do and we still think about each other, and almost pick up the phone the same day to say: Oh, I was just going to call you, you know...that happens anyways, I suppose...Yes, I've thought about it a lot because you see so much in hospital, you know, and other people's problems and they don't have that experience or don't say that they have, and I wonder why...! sort of felt it wasn't D.'s time to go yet... I: And you also said that you knew he was going to be okay. 128 T: Yes, but that might have been bravado, you know, being positive, and of course, he was unconscious and couldn't hear, but who knows what the subconscious can hear...and sometimes that's...that's...urn, the way it is, so.... I: Did you talk to K. (husband) about this experience? T: Oh yes, mm-hm, yes, I think, I'm not sure...he probably believed it, l can't really remember, we haven't talked about it for awhile so... I: I'm wondering if you noticed any difference in yourself, like immediately after that experience? T: I was probably...probably, it gave me a lot of strength because it, or maybe it's a...you've got to have something to hang on to, so maybe that...sort of the way I felt anyways, whether it sounds logical or not, I don't know. I: I'm wondering if that...having that kind of knowing...that experience in the car, prepared you, as you said, and gave you strength... T: Definitely, that's exactly what I should have said...it did that...it did that...that's why I feel that maybe that's why he wanted to reach us, even though he has no conscious experience of... 'cause his last words were, "Air"...course when he fell, the air was knocked out of him, who knows what he was thinking on the way down, so maybe he was...sort of trying to prepare us for after... I: You picked up something that he was relaying to you?... T: Yes, yes, I think so, yes... I: How is this experience different from other kinds of experiences in your life, like your friend and the phoning? T: Yes, of course, there are the fun things, not critical to life or death, nothing threatening, but... I think about it a lot, and I really wonder at it, you know,...it's... I: Some things are beyond our comprehension... T: They are, you either have to accept it and feel that you have to believe it or you don't, and I can't imagine why it happened if it hadn't meant to mean something, mean something for me... I: What has it meant for you? It has been a number of years now since it happened. T: What has it meant for me? Well, I think I'm probably more open-minded and probably a bit more receptive to other people's happenings, you know, and I find it fascinating....cause, over a period of years, certain things have come up, I can't remember them right now, but I know they have. Other people have had experiences too and they tell you, and lot of people say: Oh, sure...and, I don't feel that way, they can't make it up...I'm sure some of them do, but I don't think the genuine people do. I: Do you think it has changed you in any way? 129 T: I don't know, I don't think so...I've just matured anyway since then, that's fifteen years ago. I: It has left you more open to valuing these other kinds of experiences, whereas others might say "phooey", you wouldn't say that... T: Yes, that's right, that's so.... I: One other question I have...I'm wondering if this experience has altered the way you view life, or how you view things generally? T: Um...l think what it's done more is reconfirmed my own thoughts rather than having changed me, just made me aware of myself, and...that what I feel is right, is true, rather than being negative, I'm a bit more positive about my own feelings. I: So even these expe r i ences , even when y o u call t h e m these fun things, w h e n they happen, you tend more to believe in them... T: Oh yes, I always think there's something there. There can't be two people who are that far apart make contact intuitively and then make the personal contact...there's got to be more there than just happenstance, right?...at least I feel that way...And I feel the same way about people who meet people, they're meant to be together...you know, there's somebody giving directions in this sort of thing...and I think that's a very important part of life. I: The connection between people, at the unspoken...level. T: Yes, that's right... I: You've written some notes, I'm wondering if there is anything else you want to add. T: No, I don't think so. I: Thanks, T. 130 Transcript #2 (Case T) I: T., you've had a chance to go over the transcript, what are your impressions? T: It's pretty well as I described it. It's accurate except for a few corrections, like "cement plant" instead of "cement factory". The next one...l describe this incident as a "crack" sound, further down, it's "crackling" and it wasn't crackling at all. It really was more like...an opening of the air...it was a crack, a sharp sound...and the air sort of opened up and then a "thunk"...And it was all in one motion and I knew instantly that something had happened. I said: Something's happened, something's happened...and I knew, just knew! I looked in the direction of the sound and... I: How did you know, or if you did know, that it was more personally related than if it had something to do with...like an event in Europe or elsewhere? T: I just knew, it was just...something that I knew...! don't know, I just knew...I can't really tell you how I knew. I: You knew it was something personal...close... T: Oh yes, definitely yes...I was extremely anxious and as I said, I went on my way... I: Can you describe that anxiety? T: Well, I got very tense, knowing that something was wrong, and my first reaction was to hurry back home again. But I did have to pick up K.(son) which wasn't too far. I did that and I had to get home. Of course, when I got home and up into the kitchen, there was a message for me to call this number. And I knew exactly what had happened then. That verified what I knew...I knew, I just knew...And I think at the time, I got this...this contact...! couldn't grasp the whole thing, l suppose, as a safety feature because I was driving and had another responsibility, and then the responsibility to get home. I: As you were driving out to UBC, then home, did your mind think about possibilities, like: I wonder if it's this...or this...or this... T: No, I just knew I had to get home. I: Did you suspect that it had to do with D.? T: I did! Intuitively, I just knew it when l got there. I just think that there is that bond between families that you can transmit feelings or thoughts to somebody that you're very close to...I think that's probably what happened in those split seconds or whatever. I: You've made some notes...anything else, T.? T: When the accident happened, I explained rather garbledly how they always had a man trained in first aid, and in the case of any accident, the man designated went out to the road and guided the ambulance to the right place. There was also a first aid man right there and he gave D. mouth-to-mouth right away, or else D. would have died on the spot. His last words were "air", and he was unconscious, and he damaged a hearing nerve and also cracked a vertebra. 131 I: You didn't know how serious D. was until you got to the hospital? T: No, I didn't. And even then they weren't sure, because it all depended on the stamina of the person, the injury itself, if there was hemorrhaging and the swelling... I: Did you have any sense from the experience itself as to the degree of seriousness at all during this feeling of anxiety? T: Oh, yes...I just knew...It was about two months before we really knew. It was a day-by-day deal, and you hang on every little encouragement. I think one of the blessings was that D. had prepared for football season, and he was in perfect physical shape, strong, and that played a good part in his return to health. And the fact that he was stubborn, he was bound and determined. He did everything with the nurses, the physiotherapists, the doctors, not against them. T: Are there any other impressions about the transcript itself, before we go to the themes? T: Well, just to clarify, that it happened all at the same moment...I knew in an instant, I knew in one moment that something had happened. I had it all even before I pulled the car over. I knew that something had happened even before...and, of course, your logical thought is I hit a dog or something, but it wasn't that..so I knew that something had happened...Further on, I did tell K. (husband). When I thought about it after our first interview I remembered that I did tell him when he came home. I said: K., I knew, I knew it was D. He has told people that too, not just bread-and-butter things, but we often refer to this... I: So he's valued your experience too? T: Yes, he has. Page 3...actually, I think this experience gave me more support and confidence in my own beliefs. Sometimes, you're a little skeptical about intuition, and it's happened a lot of times, and they haven't been as important as this one. So, when it actually happened and I found out it really was true, then I knew that there is something. I: That's taught you to trust, to trust... T: Yes, to trust my own intuition, that's a better way to describe it. I: And that has continued to this day? T: Yes, absolutely. I wouldn't be telling it if it wasn't so. As well, I want to add that my explanations weren't too clear sometimes, especially when I'm a bit nervous and speaking about this brings back a lot of feelings. I scrambled for words trying to explain it, and you would come up with a word that was the right one, and actually I'm pretty good with words but when I'm tense and nervous, things don't pop into my head that quickly. I: The other thing, T., is that this kind of experience, noted as one of the themes, is very difficult to describe. T: They are difficult to describe. You tend to feel you have to be logical, you see. And it defies logic, that's the whole secret. So you describe them the best you can...really, how can you describe something you saw in your mind's eye and it was there. You never heard that sound before...there's something more there than we can understand... 132 I: If there's nothing else on the transcript itself, we can move to the themes themselves. What ones are true or not true for your experience? T: The first one is true, because it was totally unexpected, and the bewilderment also followed momentarily because it happened so quickly, and not really understandable. And the being overwhelmed, definitely true. "Increased sensory acuity". That would be right, it was certainly increased at that moment. "Magnification of feelings", that's perfectly true. The anxiety, and the fear, the fear of the unknown, and anything to do with your family. You can take it yourself better than you can with your own family. The next one, if it means that it happened and I felt it happen, but I couldn't reason it out, "yes", that's right. "Unmediated knowing", yes, that is unmistakable! Absolutely unmistakable, I just knew! I couldn't just put it into words, but I knew! And also "being directed". I: What do you feel that you were being directed to? T: Well, I had to get home, I just had to get home. And I probably broke a few rules and regulations getting K. and getting home. This "merging with a larger whole". In retrospect, I presume it would mean I knew that there was something driving me, and telling me, and moving me... I: Something larger than yourself... T: Yes, that's right, larger than myself, something that you have no control over, that somebody or something is directing you...it was all done, when I got home I wasn't sure how I got there...you just move, and you are there. I: And "timelessness", we talked a little about that. It had to do with an altered time sense. T: Yes, yes. And the fact that D.'s message and my picking it up were at the same time. "Sense of otherness", yes, the communication from elsewhere. Then, "awe and wonder"...after that, that experience, there's so many times I sit in awe and wonder at it happening, the fact that it happened to me...l wonder why. Why did it happen to me? Why do some people get it and other people don't? Perhaps it was because I was more oriented at the time because of rearing of the children, I was at home. I've always been the type of person that if I go anywhere, I'm away for a while, then I have to get home. Home is very important to me. And I think it partly is because my home life wasn't too good when I was growing up. It was a broken family, a couple of times, and I was always the one who looked after the little kids. I always babysat, for other families too. My younger brother always says that he just loved me because I used to let him bake when I babysat him. Then I had to go to Victoria with my sister and live in a boarding-house and I went to school in Victoria from Grade 4 on. And being torn away from home, I wasn't that secure a person in the first place. Because my stepfather was in the airforce, we moved around a lot, we didn't form strong friendships with people. I always wanted to be a stenographer, so I studied this. I just loved being a secretary...! think it's because of my tumultuous childhood that I've concentrated on making home and family important for us... I: Did you or do you have a sense of being especially chosen, or being gifted with this experience? T: Yes, perhaps yes...I think that everybody is here for a reason, and that's why I married K. As well, K.'s mother was a Montessori teacher, and D. was one of her first students at the age of 5. He benefited by her methods, and he practices it to this day, even in his teaching, and has done such marvelous work with the children and his own family. 133 I: Returning to the themes, was the next one, "experience complete in itself" true or not true for you? T: Absolutely yes, without question. It was all there. In the After section now, yes, the "deeper insight" is true because what it's done is given me more self-confidence in that area. That's right for "strength and empowerment", yes. "A critical turning point" probably in my own beliefs again, and I think this experience has changed me in some ways without my really knowing about it. Trusting myself and more of a respect for intuition too, so, yes, for "new position of self". Yes, for the "spiritual dimension". The spiritual life is interesting...intangible, but I don't know whether you gain a deeper sense of it as you get older or whether it's experiences that helps you have that. I: What do you think it is? T: I think it is experiences that help the development of what you've got...it takes life's experiences to bring out these dormant feelings or dormant qualities. "Sense of supreme being", well, I felt that the moment of that accident. I had no control over it, and it was given to me...it was meant for me to know...it happened and who did it and for unexplained reasons... I: Would you use a word like Cod or something like that? T: Yes, yes...there is a super power or a person. Some people don't believe in Cod, I do...and I think there is Somebody guiding your way. And for whatever reasons you know, why did D. have to have that accident? Perhaps it was to strengthen him, make him stronger...he may have been weak in achieving his goal in life, although I don't think so. But who knows for what reasons. Perhaps we aren't meant to know, just directed toward those ends. I: You were open to it, thus allowing that kind of experience to happen. You could have had it, and not paid any attention to it as well. T: That's right. I: The fact you were given the experience, the fact that you responded in the way that you did... T: I think I needed to have that experience for some reason or other. Perhaps I was immature, I needed to be pulled up by the bootstraps and appreciate children, appreciate the beauty and the value of us all...I guess that's pretty well what I mean...and to discover my own strength, because I never talked about my own intuitions too much. Whenever they happened, I'd flippantly throw them at somebody, and M. would say: Mom, pay attention, that did happen! I think she's that way herself...(Laughing). I: Let's go on... T: Oh yes, I feel that I have been "graced" with that experience. I accept the next one. Yes, to "change in relationship with others", I've learned a lot from that. I: You said just earlier that you've learned to value your children more and that you're different with them. 134 T: When you're threatened with the loss of one, you know what that does to you. You appreciate things more...perhaps I needed to know that, don't ask me why...it deepened that anyway. "Caution in sharing", yes, it's too important to me to just throw it around loosely. Yes, I know for a fact that it's different from other intuitive experiences I've ever had. And it'll last forever. Yes, and I have made some readjustment...! treat it with more respect and the value of life, although I always did, but it is deeper and more mature, I suppose...a lot more meaningful. I always did have it, l think, but the experience was like my being branded, it's there for life. And the thought of losing someone is pretty horrible...Yes, I'd made my adjustment just in the fact that D. was injured and in hospital for so long...it was hard enough as it was, just going through it. It really was a 2-year ordeal, because you don't know what's really going to happen...everyday there was a little improvement, just inching along, so that was a very exhausting couple of years, one year especially. When I saw the fight this kid put up, it was quite remarkable. T: So D. taught you something as well then? T: Oh yes, oh yes...he's like his Dad actually, never give up. The last one now...yes, I definitely have more trust in my own intuitive feelings...l value them greatly. I: One thing I wanted to ask you more about, T., you said you thought "it was meant to mean something to me". Can you say more about this? T: I think I was meant to be forewarned, to give me the strength to face what I had to face. And it's easy to see that now that I've gone through it because it was really awful. The things that you see in hospital, and then, when you see how bad D. was...There were others who came in and were badly injured, and got better, while D. was just poking along...and then, for some reason or other, the one who gets better dies. So, why...you wonder why...it just leaves you shaking your head, because there's no understanding of it sometimes. You just have to accept it, that's it. I: During these many, many months of anxiety, you said the experience itself gave you a lot of strength. Were you aware of your saying to yourself that you had the experience because you were supposed to know? T: Yes, because by knowing, I was prepared...even though I didn't know I was prepared. And it was like going to the hospital everyday, you sort of prepare yourself because you don't know what you have to face...but knowing ahead of time certainly helped me...I must admit that the staff were always encouraging, but they have to be that way. I: When you talked about your belief in Cod, perhaps it was He or She that sent you the message ahead of time to warn you and to help you prepare yourself. During this period, was there any deeper sense of this Supreme Power backing you up, being there for you, so to speak? T: Not knowingly...I think I was sort of in a frozen state for a whole year. I know what happened to me was...in retrospect it may have been that I cut off all feeling. For instance, when K.'s mother phoned, I couldn't talk about it, I'd always turn the phone over to K. and I suppose, that was my strength. I had the strength to just bite the bullet, just to deal with it day-by-day. And my close woman friend with whom I used to talk with regularly, she never called during this time...because she knew it was too awkward for me, and she always waited until I phoned. She was very sensitive that way, it wasn't that she wasn't interested, of course. I saw my strength sometimes as not feeling it all... I: I think we've covered it. Is there anything else you care to add, T.? I don't really think so. Well, thank you very much for this second interview. 136 Transcript #1 (Case L) I: L, if you would begin by telling about your experience as if it was a story. I may interrupt with a question once in awhile. L: I think I can start by telling you just a little bit about what type of horse Peter was and what type of riding I was doing at the time. When I started off riding, I showed quite a lot of ability for it, and I progressed very quickly. And I went through my first horse's range of ability fairly fast, within a one year period, and then I started to get very interested in an equestrian discipline called dressage, which was not very popular at the time, very few people did that. I went back to my first riding instructor at that point to talk to her about it...and she said: I have this horse, why don't you ride him for me today? Tell me what you think of him? So she brought out this massive white thoroughbred, 18 1/2 hands tall, never been near a horse that size that wasn't a draft horse...she saddled him up for me, out we went into the arena, and something between that horse and me just kind of clicked immediately...It was a very strong impression that I still have now, that day that I first rode him, because there was a communication between us, a kind of a special communication right away. And to make a long story short, she told me that he was very highly trained in dressage, and if that's the area that I wanted to pursue he would be good for me, so I said: Okay, but where do I come up with the money for a horse like this? And she set out a number of terms and conditions...I know you have a summer job, you work all summer, you give me what money you have, you sell your first horse and we'll consider it square. I learned many years later that she lost about $5000 on the deal at the time, but she felt very strongly that I should have him. So, we were off and running...that horse and I...and he was very, very well-trained, he taught me a great deal in a short time. And soon, we decided that we needed a little bit more intensive training, so we went to see a lady by the name of I.F., she was 3-time Olympian for Canada, and she had a place in Aldergrove. So we went out there and trained with her for awhile, and before l went out there, I'd had a bad fall from Peter, and I was nursing my back and sore knees, and wondering where that was going to go. So we went out there and things didn't go well at all. Peter didn't like it out there. One day I found him in a stall, he'd obviously been ridden by somebody else because he had saddle marks on him, I never left the stable with saddle marks on him, he was always brushed down and everything and he was shaking. I didn't like it, I didn't like it at all, so I called Mom and said we've got to get him out of here, something's really wrong...so I phoned my old coach down here in the Flats, and she said: Sure, bring him over, so we got a van that day and brought him over...And, I guess, it was around that time that I got a case of bronchitis and had to be away from the stable for a little while and I tried to go back too soon, and I got pneumonia, so then I had to stay away. I was sent out to my Granddad's house to recuperate for a couple of weeks, and I had just gotten home, hadn't been more than 4 or 5 days, l still didn't feel like much of anything...it was a sunny day, a lot like today, but it was around the end of August, 1975, I had just graduated from high school that June, and I was 17 years old...it was just around 12 o'clock and l said to Mom: Mom, give me the car keys, I have to go to Peter now!... and Mom, who was not wont to give me the car keys whenever I asked for them because I was still a very rookie driver, gave me those car keys without question. And l was out the door like a shot and I drove down there. I didn't have the feeling I was speeding, I just had the feeling that I was getting there as quickly as I could. And I got there, pulled the car into the parking lot, and my coach came running out: L, L, Peter is down in his stall, I can't get him up. I started trying to phone you exactly when he fell in his stall, I couldn't get him up, 12:01 I started to phone you and couldn't get through. I talked to Mom afterwards and she said it was 12:01 when I hit the door out of our place...and so I rushed into the stable and there he was in his stall, he.was flat out and he looked just terrible. So she'd phoned the vet already, he said: Please try to get him up so I 137 tried to get him up and he got up, thank goodness for that...Not too much later, the vet showed up and he diagnosed pretty much what we'd thought really, a severe attack of colic, some sort of bowel blockage going on. He did everything he could and said: It's just a matter of time, we've just got to wait, keep him on his feet, keep him moving, if he tries to go down, try to keep him up. So that began about 12 hours with him... no, it was longer than that, it was about 3 in the morning before we knew he was going to be okay. And the vet had had to come again, and he tried to go down in the middle of the night on me, so there were many times I had him out in the arena and even take the whip to him, which really hurt me...he was giving up, he was just giving up, he didn't care any more. It was really sad...anyway, as soon as he was okay, I decided I would stay down there the night with him, and they set up this little chaise lounge for me, outside his stall, got me a blanket and pillow and everything...! didn't sleep at that point. ! thought, did a lot of thinking about what had happened...I'd had an experience like this before that had maybe been a little bit like that, never so strong, never as strong as this, and that left me feeling kind of disturbed, I was trying to figure out how it was all fitting in, what was really going on. I remember at that time, about 4:30 in the morning, he was quiet by then, and I had a very strong feeling that it was over, that what we had been trying to accomplish and our training goal had been the 1980 Olympic trials...and that's what we had been working towards...and I had to come to the realization that that couldn't be any more, that something had happened to him, and he wasn't really all that old, but that that didn't matter, something had happened to him and I had to face up to that...And l had to realize too that my own injuries were a little more serious than I'd been pretending...so it was the wee small hours of the morning and I was having to do some pretty serious thinking. I: I want to stop for a moment and go back. You've given a picture of the whole story, and l want to go back to the time when you had this strong urge to go to Peter. Can you tell me what you were doing at the time? L: Just reading, I was getting over being sick, and as far as I recall, I was just sitting on the couch, then up to the bathroom, I was on my feet when it hit me...I was on my feet, right in the hallway not too far from the front door, that's when it hit me... I: Can you describe what "being hit" means? L: It was overwhelming, like it drove all other thoughts out of my mind. I have to do it...and in my mind, I had one thought and one purpose only...I have to do this now. I: Can you describe the physical feeling? L: I remember feeling tense, I remember feeling physically like l had to move, a very strong feeling of having to move now...and while Mom was getting the keys for me, I was moving...and getting closer to the door...so...and mentally focusing on that one thing, nothing else mattered, nothing...I had to get there immediately. I: Did you have any sense of knowing, or certainty about anything? L: I knew something was wrong, I didn't know exactly, but it felt wrong...it... just like something was very wrong. I: How long did it take to drive to the stables? L: Thirty minutes...l didn't have the feeling of speeding, I think more than anything, the traffic wasn't letting me...41st is fairly well travelled...! just was thinking: What's going on? 138 What's going on? What am I going to find? What's happening? I did have the thought at one point: Is he dead? I didn't know, I just knew that something was very, very wrong. I: What were you feeling then? L: I was scared, I was scared, not to the point of physically trembling/1 remember that...I had a certain strength physically, I wasn't letting my emotions get to me to the point where I was starting to deteriorate...My mind was clear about my driving, I was physically feeling strong and doing what I had to do, and just getting there. I: What was the most vivid part of that experience? L: The strongest moment was when I first felt that need to go...it was just so overwhelming. I: You didn't question it at all? L: NO! No questioning at all! It was something I had to do and had to do now, and that was all there was to it...no questions, not until I was driving did I start to question. I: Then you saw Peter and got him up, did that feeling of fear stay with you? L: Yes...until about 3 in the morning when he gave the first signs that he would stay with us...almost 15 hours...as I went along and got about my business of walking him and keeping him on his feet, I wasn't worrying so much. I was doing what I had to do, and I was physically expressing myself that way, so that, I think my mind didn't get away on me so much then. I had all these responsible things to do...the fact that I did have these things to do kept me together. I: When did these feelings go away...or change to something else? • L: It was kind of a very slow process...in the wee hours, over a period of an hour and a half, I was exhausted by then, l remember being half awake and half asleep, and when I'm in that state, a lot of things come to me then that often turn out to be very pertinent, in retrospect, so my mind started wandering, speculating even, and then coming to the realization that it's finished, it's over for him, he can't do it anymore, something is physically wrong with him...also, my back was bunged up...l was coming to terms with the fact that I had to hang it up for 5 years as suggested by the orthopedic doctors...! started realizing what was in front of me and not being so possessed by the idea of the dream of things we had hoped to accomplish...so... I: How did that feel to give up the dream? L: It hurt very much...sad...As a result of that time, very shortly afterwards, I made some decisions and in retrospect, I look upon them as my first really adult decisions...! decided not to sell Peter to anybody, that nobody should ride him, he shouldn't be worked any more, he should be left to retire, so I swallowed up any financial part I had in him and I turned him over to my coach who had a lot of property, for the sum of $1 on the condition that she retire him for me, and she did do that...so he was retired and I retired as well. I did ride occasionally after that to see if I was getting better, and I wasn't... I: It was a turning point? 139 L: A big turning point, it really was...Also as a result of all of this, plus the graduation from high school...That had been my big goal, you see, focusing on it for a number of years...to have all this evaporate like that...I felt lost and at 17, you know, you're pretty vulnerable...and I slipped into a pretty bad depression as a result of it, the worst depression I've ever had...and the worst part of the depression lasted about 4 months. Then I decided to pull myself up and rejoin the human race...got my mother to thank for guiding me at that time. I: To go back to the experience again, do you sense that Peter's recovery had anything to do with your presence? L: Yes, l think so...he and I were very close...my coach had had that horse in her stable for 8 years, she couldn't get him on his feet. I came along...I'd had him for a year, he was on his feet for me...so, yeah, there was a difference. During his retirement, l visited him from time to time and he always seemed to remember me, but...it was very special, he lived a good retirement and passed away not too long ago. I: Did you talk with anyone about this experience? L: Mother, of course...she knew of other experiences I'd had, so she was the logical person to talk to about it...very briefly, my coach because she was sort of wondering how I turned up when she couldn't get me on the phone...l think those were the only two people I talked to about it for a long, long time. I: How come? L: Even though there had been people who had been witnesses to this happening, I still felt like if I talked about it, they might not believe me, or that they might look upon me differently: Is she a little bit spaced out or what...Eventually I talked to a psychiatrist about it but not until he'd known me for quite a while and known that l was basically a fairly solid person, so then I talked to him about it and he was very interested and was very reassuring to me about it...and pointed out the special relationship that Peter and l had had...He felt that my being a sensitive person why shouldn't something like that happen, so he made me feel quite good about it which was nice...Then, my husband...he still wonders a little bit, but basically, he believes me...you've got to understand what my husband is like, he's the scientific man, that sums it up right there. It's stretching it for him there, though...but basically, he's very supportive, has a lot of faith in me... I: After this experience, did you notice any changes in yourself? L: I had the strength to make those decisions...because l really felt that I knew, I wasn't just thinking, I knew what was going on inside of him, I knew what was the right thing for him at the time, for his health...Of course, I felt an incredible sense of loss of the dream, and the pain associated with that...and the depression...Then again, I remember very clearly, just after Christmas...all kinds of action, and I got a job, and then I recovered very quickly...the motivation for that came from me, that at any point previously in my life, I wouldn't have been able to do something like that, to be able to pick myself up out of the blackness and try and go on...it was growing up for me, growing up... I: How was this experience of knowing about Peter different from other intuitions you might have had? L: I remember one thing that happened between my grandma and me, the day before she fell into her coma and dying a few days later, she and I mended all the bridges that day...It 140 was almost that both of us knew that something was going on, and we felt very close to each other, it was very special, but that felt different in that it felt natural, an easy thing to do, whereas with Peter, it was a compulsion...! was driven, I had to, I had no choice. I: It was much stronger... L: Yes, much stronger...I'd had sort of little intuitions over the years...when you get close to people and you have that ability anyway, a lot of little things happen on a day-to-day basis with close friends and family members...you know when they're thinking about you and when they're going to phone...very different. I: You've probably answered this indirectly, but I'll ask the question as it might stimulate another perspective - how has that incident changed you? L: I think that at that particular time I began to accept that maybe I had some abilities along this line...I wasn't sure then what f o rm they w e r e going to take, but I started to real ize that maybe this was a part of me. Maybe things like this were going to happen throughout my life because a few things had happened previously to that, but never anything quite like that... so strong and so strong an effect on my life and what direction it would take. I: How is this, knowing you have this ability? L: I don't know...a little bit scary, nervous-making-slash-teeny bit scary...until very recently, in which case I had an experience that I walked right into and I encouraged it and that was the first time I'd ever done that, so...so maybe I've been a little bit slow in coming to that point, but these things don't happen to me all the time...They usually only happen in times of extreme stress, illness or death of one close to me, that seems to be the trigger. When my coach passed away, I had another experience then too... I: Is it because you have it on your mind that you open up to it, or do you think that you are not really thinking of the situation even though you're in crisis and it somehow comes to you? L: Well, what happened when my grandfather died recently, I had two experiences, one before he died and one just after...the one that I'm thinking of more specifically is that one just after...! felt a slow seeping feeling inside me, maybe something was happening, and then, I did everything I knew how to do to make it happen...I wore an object of significance and allowed myself to be alone in rooms and things that normally I wouldn't have done that before...and l think that with each experience I have had specifically from Peter onward, I progressed a little bit each time to the point where this time, I walked into it and wasn't afraid, was not afraid for the very first time. I: So how does that feel then to have progressed, as you say, to where you are now trusting your intuition and encouraging it? L: Feels good, feels very good because like you say, it's trust, it's an acceptance of myself, and it's trusting what happens inside of me that allows this sort of thing to happen...I'm not sitting there denying or saying: No, this shouldn't be happening, this isn't normal or anything like that, I'm saying: Okay, this is me, this is maybe a little bit special, why not let it happen...That was a really good feeling, so I think the Peter incident was the turning point for that series of events to start to occur. I: How has this affected how you view life? 141 L: I think that prior to Peter, I didn't think of anything spiritual or religious or anything very much...Mother and I were members of the church, but I started to get a lot more interested after that, and I went to University and studied philosophy as one area. I took 1 or 2 psych courses that were more related to unexplored areas of the mind, rather than beginning psychology courses...! started to stick my foot out into the water to see what was there, then I became a meditator...And that's another thing...that specifically what happened when Granddad was ill and died is that I meditated a great deal, in such a way to encourage things to happen, to encourage a communication between him and me, that did finally come about...so in terms of that, I think I've become a lot more interested in things such as the total consciousness...Maybe we draw from that at times and share things through that...other ideas like that...I consider myself a fairly religious person, in a very unorthodox sense...It certainly changed my life in that regard, slowly and tentatively to become more interested in these things, and I've got more interested as I've gone along... I: I've finished with my questions, but if there is anything you'd like to add, pleas feel free. L: I think one thing I want to say is that I drove the same route today that I drove that day to the stable...! didn't really know how much I had remembered about it until I started talking about it with you, but I think that just physically driving the route and looking at the familiar things, the Tudor house on the corner of Hudson and the magnolia trees and all the old familiar things ! saw that day I think brought a lot of the things back for me...so I was hoping that by driving that today would sort of reawaken old memories a little bit and hopefully, get something out of it that I might not have thought of otherwise...! think that did happen, l remember a lot more about how I felt when I was driving than I remembered this morning...One thing I would like to say too that as a result of my grandfather's death and the experiences I had with him, which has changed me a great deal, because ! wasn't afraid that time, I was able to have a much greater, much richer experience...And I think that now that I have done that, that perhaps what will come up in the future I won't be afraid any more either and that maybe those experiences can be as enriching and positive as this one has been, because I felt with him, I felt a completion...that the relationship was complete...and that's a good feeling I: And you think that's related to intuition and trusting yourself? L: Very much, like you say, I trusted myself and I didn't know what was going to happen...One thing that did happen was painful physically and I was sick for about 4 hours afterwards, but I wasn't afraid, I trusted myself, trusted the intuitions. I: Thank you very much, L. 142 Transcript #2 (Case L) l: L, I'm wondering if you have any general impressions about the transcript itself. L: I have read the whole thing and am satisfied with it. For the essence of what happened, it's pretty much all there. No, I wouldn't change it. I: Let's focus on the themes then. You said you had spent some time with them this morning, are there any overall comments first? L: Not really...I would like to go over the themes one-by-one and respond to each one if that's alright. I don't think the "deeply involved" theme applies because Peter and I had been apart for awhile. I had been injured in February, and it's now August. I had stopped riding finally in June and shipped him back to his old home, and hadn't seen him for a month. I knew that even/thing was on hold for the time being, I'd been wrapped up in the Olympics thing before, but things were on hold. I knew he was in good hands, I was going to get better and then get back to things. I: L., I need to say here that this theme includes immediately before the actual experience as well as your whole life context at the time. L: Well, then it would fit. I was thinking immediately beforehand...but in the huge beforehand, this applies. So, then the second theme applies too...because Peter and I had a close relationship, even though I hadn't seen him for awhile immediate to this experience. Number 3, "openess and receptivity". In my case, l felt a restlessness, and l think that the openess existed and the restlessness was a sensing even in a deeper way that something was about to happen. I was restless, I couldn't sit down. Mom noticed this about me, I was on my feet, back and forth, back and forth, to the bathroom, to the bedroom, get a book out...It was quite something, I just could not sit down. I: You were responding to something internal already? L: Yes, yes. I think that covers it pretty well for the Before themes. "Sudden and unexpected onset", well, it was sudden. In a deep sense, I don't think it was entirely unexpected, I think I was somewhat at the ready. Number 5, I wasn't bewildered or puzzled, I was driven. There was no puzzlement involved. "Overwhelmed". I don't know if it was overwhelmed much as being taken over by the experience, because I was conscious and very much in command of what I was doing. And I don't think a person who is really overwhelmed is that much in control the way I was, and that clear-headed about things. I: You used the word, overwhelming, to describe your experience. L: It's an easy word to use, but a really overwhelmed person, I don't think would have responded quite the way l did. It was being taken over, for sure. Most definitely for "increased sensory acuity", everything was heightened. "Magnification of feelings", yes. During the drive down to the Flats that day, I must have run the gamut of emotions, everything, you know...tears, control, a sense of determination, lots of different emotions during that drive. I'm just glad I didn't have an accident. I: So the feelings and the sensations were greatly heightened for you? 143 L: That's right. Number 9, "incongruity between reason and felt experience"...no, that's not applicable. I interpret that as being disharmony, the two not being compatible at all. My reasoning and the experience were pretty close. I: It made sense to you, your reason didn't question why you were feeling the way you were feeling. L: Yes, that's right. I just said: Let's go! There wasn't any time for any arguments between those two particular things, there was such a sense of urgency. "Unmediated knowing", well, certainly, this was clear. "Sense of being directed", yes. "Certainty of the knowing", well, I knew something was happening, I didn't know what exactly, but I knew something was up. So in that larger sense, the certainty, applicable to Peter, was not good...all of that, yes. "Merging with a larger whole". I wouldn't say that I felt that consciously, but on looking back on it, that definitely was happening. I: Can you say more about that. L: Well, I just don't feel that Peter contacting me was necessarily a direct thing...that there was an intermediary involved. I: You said something about an altered state or... L: Or a collective consciousness...! feel it's much more likely that that was involved than just a straight communication between Peter and myself, although we were close. The more I think about it and the more l sort of re-experience it by going down there and driving the same area, I feel that there was some sort of intermediary involved. I: During this process of having the experience, was their a sense of forgetting who you were, like a self-forgetfulness...you just went... L: That's right! I was just like a missile, yes. A good part of me was left behind completely...! never had migraine headaches at that age, but they were soon to follow. They've described migraines as an altered state, so I've spent a little more time knowing what an altered state was since then, and I can look back and sort of tie something together with what was going on then. I think that was what was happening alright. "Timelessness", no...every minute was an ordinary minute. I: Also included under this theme was the sense of synchronicity of events. L: Well, there was that connection for sure. But the word, timelessness, itself isn't true, but some time aspect, yes. "Sense of otherness", yes, very much so. "Sense of awe and wonder", no. The emotions I had were very different from awe or wonder, at least During. They were more of being driven, being single-minded...! wasn't in awe of what was happening, I was trying to respond and to be in control. Maybe After, this would apply, but not During, because there wasn't any time. "Experience complete in itself", yes, the parts all fit together. "Ineffability", most definitely. I: What about the After themes now? L: Number 19, yes. "Increased strength and empowerment", yes to that as well. "Critical turning point", that's me! "Recognition of a new position of self". I'd have to say "yes" to that as well, because so much changed for me after that. "Deeper sense of the spiritual dimension", most certainly. I started thinking about things like the collective consciousness and possibly being guided by a force that was not from within myself, and how 144 that guidance was very wise and very knowing...and accepting the fact that I had been a subject of that kind of a guidance made me feel different things about myself too. I: You recognized that there was a deeper meaning for you, that there was a spiritual aspect to this? L: Oh yes, that started me actually a little later on to studies of philosophy. When I was at university, I became particularly interested in philosophy and that's part of the reason why. But not dry, logic-type philosophy, but philosophy-slash-theology...that sort of thing...Number 24, "sense of a supreme being", yes to that. "Feeling of being graced", yes. I wondered: Why me? I: You had the sense of being given something special? L: Yes, yes...and even more, in recent times, I've felt that feeling even stronger as being a turning point and that I was perhaps being shown that I had a particular gift or ability. I: Was there any sense of being chosen, as you said "Why me?" L: Yes...I think I'm more at peace with the idea that it is me, certainly. As to speculations as to why, I don't think I've got too far on that yet. I'm working on it. I do call myself a "sensitive" rather than anything else, because it sort of is an all-encompassing term in my consciousness, my waking moments, my way of experiencing things, the way I deal with life on a day-to-day basis. I am a sensitive, often feel things too deeply and react too emotionally, and I've had to learn how to toughen up a little bit in my life. That's part of learning to cope with it, I think, but yet to leave myself open at the same time. I haven't been doing too badly at it either, so I don't feel a sense of failure, I feel a sense of much work to be done. I: That ties in with some of the themes that follow. L: "Certainty and wisdom of the learned truth". My, that sounds so Biblical. Yes, • yes...something that's interesting, I think, is the fact that I'm still learning from that experience that happened in 1975. I: You told me about writing the letter to Ron Turcotte and receiving a reply, does this tie in directly with that experience? L: That ties in directly with that time period, sure it does. I wouldn't normally do this, and yet, when I saw that little newspaper article and heard about his situation, K. was out mowing the lawn and l was safe from ridicule, so I got out my stationery and wrote...again, I was fulfilling a need to do it. I had to do it..So, I'm having one, let's go. (Both laughing). Again, l don't fight it any more. If I really want to do something like that, I do it. I think that that's partly a by-product of this experience and other experiences, still remembering so clearly...like they happened last week. It's like that with all of them. I: So they're still occurring and you're paying more attention. L Oh, yes, yes. "Change in one's relationship", yes. There were many changes in relationships with others. It was my first step in growing up. A set of adult decisions followed that and everyone looked upon me differently as a result of that. Yes, my relationships were changed. "Caution in sharing the experience", yes, caution, but I did share it, because I was very discrete in whom l shared it with. Actually, the only people who had been directly involved: my Mother, she knew what time everything had happened and what I was like before. Then, my coach at the other end. I talked with her about it too, she knew 145 yywhat time things had happened, and in talking with her, I found out that the timing of everything tied in even more so than I had even thought. When you mentioned before the synchronicity of time with Peter, yes, because that was verified afterwards...to the exact minute. Something like that does make you think afterwards. "Experience being different from other intuitive experiences", yes, very much different. I: How was it different? L: Much stronger...when you have an intuition, for me anyway, it's usually a much more casual type of experience. There's not that sort of overwhelming quality to it. If I have an intuition about something like thinking about someone, and the phone rings...this kind of thing happens all the time. But this was not casual, or minor...very all-encompassing. "Enduring quality", yes, most definitely. I think 20 years from now, I'll still be able to talk about it the same way I'm doing right now. I don't think it's ever going to diminish...and the feelings will come back readily. "Sense of readjustment after the experience". My, there was much readjusting to do after that. L: Does that word, readjustment, fit? L: Yes, I think it does, it does...sort of a repositioning of me, then a repositioning of the elements of my life, human and other. "New acceptance and trust", yes...slow, but yes. That was something that didn't happen overnight, it's still ongoing. I: Any other comments about these themes in general, L? L: No, I think these are very pertinent. So many of them were right on the money, only a few did I find not true for me. I can't think of anything else to add. I have the feeling of having said all of it. I: Well, thank you very much, L. 146 Transcript #1 (Case K) I: K., please begin by telling me of your intuitive experience, explaining the context of the situation first. I'll interrupt if I want to clarify. K: This took place in my early 20's, and during a time when my mother was extremely ill. She developed a condition that acted like a stroke, a sarcoid condition, and it paralyzed her, and the doctors were not able to help her. They sent her home to die, they thought she was going to die. So there had been a lot of stress and strain leading up to this, and now there was the stress of the home care, not knowing what was going to happen. And I think I had a fair amount of guilt as far as my mother was concerned because we didn't always get along too well. I think I resented her youth, you know, she wasn't the adult mature mother that she might have been, this sort-of-thing, so my feelings were very complex about her, and as a result, there was a very high level of emotional feeling about the whole thing...l was still living at home attending art school, and when Mom got severely sick, I had to quit art school. Art school had opened up a whole new world for me...this was when I first really had the feeling of coming alive, this was my place, and I had to lose all this, you know...this was the beginning of my second year. And so I had to quite art school, I had to go and get a job, I was working in a UIC filing job, then later statistics, boring, very monotonous, boring work, it was just the antithesis of everything I had ever experienced at art school, where I was blossoming. So it was a very negative time, and after work I would come home, particularly on the weekends having some time to myself, so very busy otherwise, and having this free time, this free time was not anything joyful, I would just...you know, the whole thing would kind of just wash over me and I'd come apart. One particular Saturday afternoon, I think it was, I was in my room and having broken down, crying for my mother, crying for a relationship that wasn't, and my guilt for this anxiety, etc....and l came kind of right up against a blank wall, I just was desperate...at that point in time, I had reached such an extreme that, I guess, I must have just handed over everything...! was praying, you know, just...I had even offered my life in exchange for hers...l remember lying on the bed, lying on my back, looking at the ceiling, just exhausted...and feeling that there was absolutely nothing there, just giving up...Anyway, something happened...to me emotionally, I didn't actually see anything physically...but I was aware of the sensation like...as if someone had laid a very soft, feathery quilt right over me...only it came down very slowly and it didn't stop on the surface, it penetrated totally...this soft calmness...it just totally penetrated me, like every cell of the body...and it changed...it changed everything...physically, mentally, emotionally, I had been a smoker, after that time, I stopped smoking...It changed everything! I: Before we go on to talk about the changes it brought about, I'm wanting to stay with your experience and clarify a bit. How long did the experience last, the feeling of the blanket on you? K: Moments, just moments...it happened fairly quickly, and for that reason, I didn't trust it. I was very suspicious of it, this comes so quickly, it can equally go as quickly. I: So that was when your mind came in? K: Yes... the sensation itself was total serenity, it was bliss, you know, all of the negative emotions were gone. It wasn't as though anything terribly actively positive came in to fill the space...what was there was very gentle...the confidence, the acceptance, the serenity, it was very, very gentle... 147 I: And there was this sense of certainty about it? K: Yes...it happened regardless of judgment...for example, I mentioned later, my left brain, my mind clicked in, the logical mind started to question all of this that had happened: What's this here? and moved all around it. I got up and started to walk around, tested it, and I tried...you know, feeling the terrible things I had been feeling, it just remained in place, it was inviolable...) couldn't shift it, I was afraid I would lose it, you see, so I tested it. I: That was your left brain doing the testing? K: Yes, doing the testing... I: What was the most vivid part of this experience? K: I don't know if the word "vivid" is terribly apropos... I: Strongest, perhaps... K: It was so gentle...(Laughing) I: It was the opposite? K: Yes...well, it was the physical sensation...the removal of all of this anguish that had been there, completely gone, and the peace in its place...! can't call that "vivid", but...it was real...! questioned its strength, but it sure was...it lasted, and lasted...and it was strong in the sense that it wore well, you know...it just stayed with me, that's all...but its strength was almost a passive thing. I: Was there any actual physical change in your body that you were aware of? K: Just a sense of total relaxation...but even that was more of a gentle kind of letting go, letting go of all the anguish and so on...I don't know that I was flooded with energy or anything like that, but I just felt reasonably strong, quietly strong, and able to carry on. I: You said you tested it out, and the feeling seemed to stay with you, what did you say then in your head to yourself? K: This is a long time ago, I hope you don't expect direct quotes...This can't be real...This isn't going to last...I'm going to lose it...It feels great, but I'm going to lose it...How long will this stay with me?... I: Did these questions arise again later? K: Well, I think I must have done a certain amount of thinking about it, because I became, as a result of it, quite religious in a conventional sort of way. I: What do you mean by that? K: I became what you might call a strong Christian, and I had really only begun to question religion, and philosophy, so on...so I felt that this was something that had been granted to me by Cod, you know...as a matter of fact, I think probably, the Christian term for it is "grace". I: Do you still believe that now? 148 K: Well, quite possibly, but my thinking around the subject is a much broader scope now, for example in all faiths there are things that are comparative to this kind of experience...and l do think, welL.I suppose these experiences vary from person to person depending on what your need is, what kind of person you are, etc....and I don't really understand the whole category...and I don't consider myself an expert in this type of thing just because I had this experience. I: Did you talk with anyone about this experience? K: I had one particularly good friend and I must have discussed it with her. We shared a lot of our thoughts and feelings...she was part of what got me through the whole sort of negative thing with my mother. Dad just wasn't there for me, he was working very hard and he was very concerned for her with his own feelings, so he drew into himself, and wasn't there either for my brother or me...Yes, I'm sure I discussed it with A., but I can't see that I would have told anyone else. However, since then there have b e e n the occasional instances where I've mentioned this...talking to other people who are aware of their inner being and so have interesting experiences to compare...but the magical thing about it too, was that it lasted so long. I: Tell me about that duration? K: Well, I was able to go back to this horrible job and feel much more tolerant about it, more positive about it, I received a promotion, I was put into a different area which I didn't like any better...and there was a young woman at work that I came in contact with who was also a, what I would describe as a fundamental Christian...this was my period with fundamental Christianity, okay...I saw something of her as a result of it, but the association really didn't have anything in common apart from this particular interest...so, it gradually subsided...But I can remember doing things like going to a dental appointment, instead of going with dread, I'd think: What marvelous thing is going to transpire here, you know...Everything was just different...! mentioned that I quit smoking for about a year, and it took probably that length of time for the experience to very, very gradually fade...must have been at least a year...without any kind of reinforcement or attempt at reinforcement on my part, although I did read my Bible, and do things like this...my mind was running more along that track...but I didn't do anything deliberate like meditating, I didn't know anything about that at that point in time. I: So the sense of calm and peace lasted about a year. It helped you deal with you mother's illness? K: Yes, and she began to make a recovery...there was a whole sort of magical thing around the entire thing...she began to make a recovery and it was very slow and not a complete thing, but she did get out of bed, she did become mobile again to some extent, but she was like a person who had suffered a stroke who gained partial use, she hadn't been able to speak and she was able gradually to regain her speech, and I guess what was probably happening with her was that she was shifting hemispheres, and having to relearn all of this behaviour...and she lived for another twenty years... I: Was there any sense of certainty or knowing from this quiet experience that stayed with you ? K: l would have called it a confidence...! trusted...the confidence that whatever was going to happen was for the best, and I would be alright...I trusted God, if you like...Yeah, I was being looked after, and so whatever l did was going to be what l should be doing. At the end of that period, I did get back to art school again. 149 I: How has this experience changed you? K: Well, maybe I had this initial sort of impulse in the first place because I started to read psychology when I was about 17 in an attempt to understand what was going on inside myself, but it sort of redirected my focus from the external world to the internal one, and I've always been aware of and absorbed with, I guess, that spiritual life, that inner life, and I feel that it's much more important than the outer one. I would not call myself a materialist now, for that reason, although the family bent was in that direction and my father's attempt to make me into one, but I wasn't, and couldn't, and I became really a much more individual person...well, my father, for example, was a very strong person, and if he wanted you to do certain things, he wanted you to have security in your life, all of this type of thing, and I had given way to this, of course, and gone to work in a bank and tried to make a life like that...l couldn't...and so l became stronger in finding my own direction. I: So this impacted in that way? K: Yes, it did...I was myself and the outcome of that wasn't always happy in terms of family ease, well-being...! did what I had to do and part of the strength came from that awareness. I guess I was different, different from the family... I: Because of this experience, you suppose? K: Because of this, and I suppose from a lot of things that happened to me, going to art school...there's no other artist in the family...there wasn't really any appreciation for it and my whole direction seemed to be art, music, etc....this was me and it just intensified that, it just sort of reinforced the fact that okay, you don't have any choice, you've got to be you, like or not, happy or not, this is what you have to do. I: How do you view this experience now with the passage of time, 35 plus years later? K: You mean, assess it...like with the left brain? (Laughing) I: I said "view" it (laughing). I suppose it's another way of assessing it...the fact that you remember it so well... K: Oh yeah, I'll never forget it!...I think it saved me...I've never really put it in these terms before, but I think I probably could have come apart totally at that point, and it was a question of go that way or the other...yeah, I think that saved me, that experience...and I needed it and asked for it...and I got it. Actually when you have something like that happen to you it provides a kind of a high point in your experience that you always wish in a way really that you could repeat. Everything else is kind of coming down from that a little. I: So there is a bit of nostalgia? K: Oh yes, I wouldn't mind feeling like that again, right now...yeah. As a matter of fact, that was what led me into meditation although I'm having difficulty with that at the moment...but I know I will get back to that...I suppose it's all the business of trying to find that serenity again, that sureness, that certainty... I: I don't have any more questions. Is there anything you want to add? K: .I'd like to do it again...really, nothing else. Thank you very much for sharing 151 Transcript #2 (Case K) I: Now that you've had a chance to read the transcript, K., is there anything you wish to add, change or make comment on? K: On the first page, where I talk about how negative the time was, on that particular Saturday afternoon, I don't think I mentioned that I walked over to the window, stood there thinking that life was like a big, insane clown. And I had the image in my mind of a giant, sort of comic, ugly figure, like something from a Mardi Gras...but, insane, totally unmotivated with violent overtones and so on. And this was an image of my mental state at that time. I: It felt dark and out of control? K: Very dark and very...absolutely... I: A comic side too? K: I wish I could have seen the funny side...ironic really...It was a powerful image, it had power, but it was all of a negative nature, and all of a destructive nature. I think I must have been depressed at that time too, so that would be influencing how I was seeing life. I: You felt really at the end of your rope, so to speak? K: Oh, absolutely, absolutely, yes...The fact that I was, had me believing for a number of years that I had to be in that state before anything positive would happen to me. In other words, I had to be in a state of giving up all of control, just handing it over...I had the feeling I had to do that, but I discovered later on that that handing over of control doesn't have to be forced from you in a negative sense, it can be given freely and positively, as happened later. I: Do you think you had this notion in your mind that Saturday morning and that allowed the intuitive experience to happen? K: Not that I'm aware of. It was simply forced from me. No, it was sincere...legitimate...end of the rope. Nothing that I intellectualized about at all. I was past that... I: Any other comments about the transcript? K: Yes...further down, I talk about lying on the bed feeling that there's absolutely nothing. Where it reads "Something happened to me emotionally", it should really read "physically and emotionally", because there were physical sensations as well as the emotional responses. I: Could you describe further the physical response? K: I think I must have been very tense physically, kind of tied in knots, yet there was total relaxation, just everything draining away, all the tensions and the anguish...so it was a physical, emotional involvement, not just either one or the other. I: What happened emotionally? 152 K: When you're in that kind of a state, I think you have this awful sort of lump of pain inside, and that went, it just dissolved...It was replaced by something very smooth, very peaceful, very peaceful and serene...not blissful. It wasn't going from one extreme to the other extreme, it was really into a total sense of balance and harmony, and like clouds... I: Was there any sense of self-forgetfulness, or losing the sense of self? K: Well, when I was aware of the sense of a blanket coming down, there may have been some of that, just for a moment or two...that kind of blurring...then I became very curious about what was happening to me, and began to observe it..."Gee, what is this?" "Mmm, it's doing this!" So, there was a part of my mind sitting back questioning everything that was happening, almost as it was happening. I: So there was a part of you that was separate from the person that it was happening to...so to speak... K: I'd say so, if you can say "separate", the part that was not directly involved in the experience. I: What part would you call that? K: ...part of the mind...the rational part...very objective part of the mind. I don't know whether that would actually be Self, or whether the Self would be more involved in the experience...that's hard to say. I: You also said that you didn't trust what happened. K: Well, one gets in a rut, a negative rut, believing that things were always going to be terrible, and so when something marvelous happens, you don't believe it. I guess I had been pretty thoroughly schooled into that negative thinking. Life hadn't been too positive up to that point, and this is the way that you brace yourself for disappointment. I: For you, it was a natural inclination to question it? K: Yes, why would this be happening to me of all people? I: Was there any moment where you felt that you were taken over by the experience? K: I had no control, none whatsoever...and this occurred before my rational mind began its thing. Yes, totally, I don't think I could have stopped it. You don't know what it is and as I mentioned later, I moved around and walked around to test it out and that didn't change anything, so I'm sure that I couldn't have stopped it. I: Did you feel that it came from outside? K: Yes, yes...I don't know whether that's realistic, but I felt at the time that it had, that it came from sort of above me. I was lying down and it seemed to drop down gently onto me and through me...And from what I've read later, it must have originated from the inside, rather than outside, but really who knows... I: Is there anything else that struck you about the transcript? 153 K: I think it's fairly accurate...according to my memory of it now in any case. I really wish it weren't 25 years ago. I: Can you say more about that? K: Well, it would be clearer in my mind if it was more recent. If I had been able to talk to you the next day, "Guess what, Irene, listen to what happened to me!"...there wouldn't be the test of time though...l don't think it was a very Hollywood-style-dramatic experience...at least, the results weren't that dramatic, they were more subtle. They were simple changes of attitude, changes of mostly my attitude rather than the attitude of other people, and since I was a quiet, laid-back person anyway, the response wouldn't be dramatic. I suppose whenever one of these things happens to us, it happens within the framework of our own personality character type. I: Can you explain that a bit more. K: Well, if you're dramatic, it will be dramatic. Nothing quiet happens to a dramatic person. But it also does suggest it might come from within, that its source is intrinsically bound with the person because it happens within that framework. In other words, it's not something arbitrary that comes along that happens to this person, that person and the other person all very much in the same way. If the source is from outside, it most certainly is filtered through the human being. I: Perhaps now, we can turn to the themes. You've had an opportunity to go over the list, some we've addressed already. Are there any specific themes you want to comment on. K: They all seem to be very pertinent. Going through them, I didn't have the feeling that they did not apply to my experience...although some of them l might not have taken out and mentally verbalized them at the time. Like "having gained deeper insight and understanding of self", that would take quite a long time to surface...! have a tendency to feel things rather than to verbalize them, and it's only through an effort that l sit down and try to put into words what I'm feeling, hence the journal and this type of thing. And some of the entries in the journal are pretty naked, pretty sparse...The Before section, I was struck that "close relationship" was a theme...even though it was a difficult relationship with my Mother, I suppose it would be seen as a close one. I: To pursue this theme further, K., how was your relationship with your Mother affected after your experience? K: Well, I think I probably mentioned that my mother had been sent home to die. She didn't die. Now, I think probably if you believe strongly in prayer, one might say that a prayer had been answered there. However, she did not recover completely, she was a cripple for the remaining 20 years of her life. I: Did you think that there was any relationship between her recovery and your intuitive experience? K: I think so...well, I think I felt a sense of obligation as though I owed something to someone. I: The someone meaning your Mom, or someone else? K: No, to someone else. I think I focused on Jesus at that time. 154 I: You had a sense that you had been given this? K: Yes. I: And this was your way of saying Thank You...how did you express your thanks? K: In my manner of living...being more outgoing, more loving, more tolerant, things like that. I: And this spilled over into the relationship with your Mom then? K: Yes, although Mother wasn't in a state to be relating much to anybody. She was very ill and her recovery took a long period of time. She was totally bedridden, as though she had had a stroke that had paralyzed her. So it took a long time for her to start to come back from that. Yes, I'm sure it spilled over into my relationship with my Mother. I: Were you more able to be more loving and caring with her? K: Strange but that doesn't come into focus particularly...I'm sure it must have, but probably at that time, I was less comfortable with my family relationships than I was outside. They were difficult, probably partly because I was difficult. It didn't cure everything... I: However, it seemed to ease the relationship with your Mother somewhat? K: I find it hard to say exactly how it altered the relationship, it's just too" long ago. I can't bring it into focus exactly what it did in my relationship with my Mother. I'm not sure why, except that she was not really functional, so all that would be there would be a kind of feeling l might have toward her, but I can't remember what that was. I'm sure it was more loving, but exactly how I would characterize it, I can't say. She wasn't an easy person, now that I look back on it, and actually she was somewhat a controlling person, somewhat demanding person and at the same time a clean sort...the masochistic, controlling personality, the passive controller. I think I was more tolerant of it, but there were times when I used to get pretty irritated by her behaviour. I think she was a pretty depressed individual, because there were times when she'd kind of go into hibernation. And she wouldn't want to see anyone or have anything to do with anyone, or she'd close the drapes and pretend she wasn't home. I had difficulty with this...she withdrew really. And what she wanted me to do was to take her place in the world, and I felt used and irritated by it. So that didn't change, she didn't change. I: You also mentioned that this experience "saved you". Would you elaborate more on this. K: Well, I think I was pretty headed downward, I don't know what would have happened to me. I think I do have an instinct for self-preservation and I might have just saved myself in some way, but the quality of my life would have been very much like my brother's. It would have been terrible...it would have been much more negative and I would have been unaware of beautiful nuances and possibilities. I: It seems that this experience gave you some glimpse of another dimension, a spiritual dimension, of life that has carried you through the years. K: Now I had this instinct before that which was maybe why it happened to me, maybe why it took that turn because I always had a somewhat serious train of mind, somewhat religious turn of mind even when it was being critical. I can remember being critical of 155 Sunday school, being sent home as a child from a Methodist Sunday School that if I did this or did that, my heart would turn black and my being terribly upset by this...these things got through to me and always did...which is why I was open to a religious experience. I: You call this a religious experience? K: Well, only in the sense of it being a small "r" religious... I: This experience turned you toward religion, you also said. K: In a church sense, yes...well, no, that's not right. I didn't rush out and join a church, because l had pretty well withdrawn from organized religion by the time I was in my early teen's. Toward the sense of needing and expecting to find answers in writings, in this case, the Bible, I began to look for answers and things. Of course, as time went on, the reading expanded to a lot of other areas like comparative religions, philosophy, even poetry and things like this. I: A couple things I wanted to ask, K. In our first interview, we didn't talk about subsequent intuitions and this refers to the last theme really, whether After there was a new kind of acceptance and trusting of your intuitive abilities. K: Yes, I think so, except for one thing and that is I do have this objective turn of mind and somewhat pessimistic turn of mind that keeps saying: No, you shouldn't trust that. The little devil! The rational pops in when it's not wanted. It's trying to put a brake on things, trying to keep me from sailing away...but I've been aware of an urge, even more lately, I would like to be more keenly in tune with my intuitions. I don't mean just totally trusting everything that comes into my head, but more aware of when this intuition is trustworthy and when it isn't. I: Does that mean this rational voice that comes in operating differently with the intuition? K: Yes, maybe less pessimistically, and more realistically. Yes, I would just like to be a little more in tune with it, in tune with myself, I guess is really what I'm saying here. I would even like to go so far as to have ESP. I guess ESP would be the ultimate degree where you really sense things that are happening, or going or happen. I: How do you see that fitting in with your own growth in some way? K: I don't think that's been a major factor in what happened to me...I don't think the side effects of the experience were so much the expanding of my mental capacities as emotional capacities...that seemed to be what needed to be expanded, breaking the ice around the heart kind-of-thing, and developing the confidence to be more outgoing. That seemed to be where the ultimate emphasis was placed, rather than any sort of way my mind was working. I: When you say that you'd like to find that serenity again, what do you mean? K: I'd like to go on and keep evolving. I have this sense now of evolution on a much larger scale than just me, and certainly on a much larger scale than what just happened to me at that point. The possibilities are just endless here... I: It was like a door opening. 156 K: Exactly! I would like to go through and find out what's going on. Yet I think there's an element of caution there, an element of fear, that holds me back a bit. I: And this is the part that you want to let go of more? K: Yes, yes. Develop the confidence even more. This last year or two has been difficult in that regard too... I: Are there any other comments you want to make on any of these themes? K: "Enduring quality of the experience", absolutely. You're changed in a way that may fluctuate, but doesn't change back. And "sense of readjustment after the experience". I don't remember that being a problem, purely instinctive... just new feelings that I lived with, dealt with, and 1 can't remember any sense of difficulty in adjusting to them. I: For you, "readjustment" has the connotation of difficulty? K: I thought it had, yes, as if there was a strain in handling things afterwards. I: How would you describe this sense for yourself then? K: It'd be more like " acceptance"..."ease of readjustment"..."redirection"...I think "redirection" fits best. It doesn't sound very emotional, does it...because the whole thing was emotional, you see...I sort of had to go around living it. It had to be expressed, living differently, yes...living different, being different. There was something new inside that had to be expressed...It wasn't quiet, it wasn't sort of new in there and just satisfied to be in there, it had to be expressed. (Long pause). I want to clarify number 28, "caution in sharing the experience". I was cautious in talking about the experience to anyone, but not in sharing the emotional results of it. I: That's more specific when you say "talking about". K: This is great, you know, it's really brought the whole thing into focus for me. I: Oh, please tell me more. K: Well, the fact that something that to me was just a series of feelings, can be broken up into very clear elements, like these themes...all of this kind of thing...What an experience I had! Absolutely! (Laughing). Back again to the caution...it's a great relief when you can talk about it, wonderful when you can. You don't feel alone, there's this feeling that "It's never happened to anybody, I'm all alone in here, and am 1 going around the bend?" And when you are able to talk with someone else that either has experienced it or is open to what you're talking about, then there's this connecting again, you don't feel disconnected from daily life. I guess it's the solitude...solitude has been such a big factor in my life: mental and emotional solitude, even when 1 was with other people, it didn't seem to affect it very much. Just the feeling that you really can share something that is so intrinsic, so important, and connect with somebody else on that basis. Oh, that's incredible! In other words, what I'm saying is that this can have a very separating effect, not separating from the universe in that sense, but separating from people on a day-to-day basis, so that while you're being more loving and more tolerant, you're thinking that there's this thing inside I can't talk about, can't share. And it's so important... I: Just to wind up, K., any last comments? 157 K: No, except that I've spent a long time talking about what's ineffable. (Both laughing). Well, one experiences what one is capable of experiencing...and talking is part of experience. The words are always inadequate, but they can project a vague image of what you're trying to express. The more understanding behind these words being given and received, the more you can talk about it. So when one person says the word, bliss, it has a very clear connotation "wow!", and when it's said to someone else, it's just a word, an ordinary word. I: Anything else, K., that is important and hasn't been said yet? K: l don't think so. I: Thank you very much. We've expanded a lot and it has been very helpful for me. 158 Transcript #1 (Case O) I: O., please begin by telling of your experience, the circumstances around it...I may interrupt with questions along the way. O: Well, it was wartime and there was a fair amount of pressing stuff. I had graduated as a nurse and was working at VCH dealing with sick people. The general feeling everywhere was that we have to work hard, there was an urgency to win, so we'd all be safe, so even/one could come home. My mother was a nurse in World War I working in the field hospitals where soldiers would come in blown apart. And here was I, in juxtaposition to her...for awhile working in Emergency and tending car accident victims, and thinking there they're doing it on purpose, civilians, too, as well as soldiers. The hospital thing made war feel a lot closer. And, of course, wartime is always high drama. I had known a man during my training and we had got engaged. He was in the navy doing convoy, sub-chasing, and had been away for a long time, like a year, so I was concerned for him. Then I met this chap, who was a patient on my floor, so I saw him every day for the three weeks he was there. He had been in the army in New Zealand...he was a New Zealander, and was here for pilot training at Pat Bay. He had been in horrible places through the war, in jungles and the like. Anyway, after he was discharged, he asked me out, and since I was engaged I introduced him to my three room-mates, but he wanted to see me. So we began to spend time together, dancing and going for walks. We had such fun together, we laughed so much, and I knew something was developing. He was very loving and caring of the feminine. He was different from other men... he cared for, not exploited. It was an inner directive I followed...he was a familiar for me on some level and I always looked for the deeps and I sensed this in him. He was just safer than any man I had ever known. I was age 23 at the time...and it began this way...it was a glorious, beautiful sunny day in September, and a Sunday because we had been out dancing the night before, and we were lying on the grass outside the house where I lived...and he said: You'll have to break your engagement because you are going to marry me...And I suddenly had this tremendous shuddering in my body, like...an earthquake sort-of, shuddering back and forth along my spine...And my consciousness just zipped off and the only way I can describe it is - it went to the God beyond God where I knew that I had been since the beginning of time, since things began...that I was totally good down to the tips of my soul and those are the words that l said at that moment...This is not past or fiction... I: You said this aloud? O: No, no, but I...and my body somehow or other settled into a totally new alignment where I was light, graceful, just feeling as though I were radiating such love...And what happened to me at that moment when he said: You are going to marry me...I believe that it was a total surrender to my heart, that I no longer have to even think of the duty, loyalty, whatever to my fiance, who was away serving in the navy...But that, yes, this was so true to my heart to do this, to marry him, and that it was the surrender to that. Most of my life before this, in my teens, I'd had 2 or 3 out-of-body experiences really...I knew when people were coming to visit, many, many times, I'd know that and make a cake or tell my mother that so-and-so were coming. I lived in the country and most people did not have phones, so they just ended up on the doorstep, so this checking in, so to speak, was another world for a larger view was a very common experience to me, and I know that I was checking in and how I checked in...I would tilt my head slightly forward and a little to the right, and just let my attention flow out to have a look, and I know l did that at that moment that I went and I didn't ever go as far as the God beyond God, let me tell you. 159 I: So you came out of your body? O: Ahh, sure... I: I wasn't sure if it was that, or a merging as you seemed to describe it initially? O: I went! I went, yes, just at the moment that I raised my attention, it just went...We were just lying side-by-side on our backs. I'm sure he didn't have any idea what happened to me, I didn't say anything about it, I just said: Yes, I'll do all that, of course...And partly because, I didn't ever talk about these things outside my family. I'd tell my parents I had been up among the stars or whatever, nobody paid much attention, it was sort of run-of-mill. My father was fey, my mother interested in the esoteric, it wasn't strange to either of them. There was the slight implication, I think, watch who you tell because everybody doesn't understand this, you don't want people to think you're crazy. Anyhow, from that day it was like having the "midas touch", it was like having gone through a crack in the world to another world where the grass was the same, sky, it all looked the same, but it was like enchantment, not that it felt imaginary at all, it was enchantment of the realest kind, but it was that totally different view. And...I'd walk down the street and dogs would lift their heads and come racing off the porches and come up to be patted... I: What was that about you then, you think? O: It was this midas touch, everything turned to gold, just everything, and I do believe that is how we're supposed to be, you see, I just know that is how we're supposed to be. I: Before we go too far, I want to go back to the original experience itself, you said that you felt a shuddering, did your body actually move? O: I'm sure, but along my spine...! can't recall any other physical feelings. I: Did your mind come in at any point? O: I noticed the shuddering...! had a great trust actually in those years, just a great trust...no analyzing, everything was just fine...the stars were marvelous...! knew that it was benign. I: How different was this from the other experiences that you've said you had? O: It was different in the quality of the fallout from it, that the other experiences made me curious and full of wonder about them, they had to do with travelling out among the stars and I was a great fan of Sir ]ames leans, who wrote astronomy for the lay person, one of my neighbours had put me onto those books so they were full of wonder...I'm trying to say of knowledge or learning, investigation, but there wasn't the love, the eros or the agape, that sense of...I felt connected to the stars and the universe and the earth but this was connection to the Godhead... I: So it was a greater and more inclusive experience? O: And far...like you climb a little hill and see further round, this was the absolute zenith...not that I was looking all around, but I just knew. I: How long did this feeling last? 160 O: The actual experience?...! would have no clue at all how long it lasted...the wonder is still with me... I: And this is 44 years later...What was the sense of certainty or truth that came out of this for you? O: Aiii...l knew... and I know I have been there...it's like you know, from the revolving restaurant...you go there and you know what it is...I haven't always lived there, but I know it, I'm certain... I: And you noticed the difference in yourself? O: Ahh, it was the midas touch, everything came to me, just everything. I would walk out and there it was, people, everything... I: How long did that last, would you say? O: There was such a feeling of being graced, Irene, that when you ask what's the difference between that and the other experiences, this was one of grace, so the feeling of being graced, l guess, lasted for eight years, and then there were some tremendous hardships in my life and a lot of scorn for how I wanted to live, and I lost the sense of connection which was a tremendous sorrow....(Eyes fill with tears...) I: ...Do you want to go on, C ? O: Sure... I: I see your feeling as you remember It was this young man that you loved that triggered this incident for you, do you make any other connections? O: I have a sense he was tall and fair and a very strong young man, I was a very strong young woman and I had a sense...we may have been holding hands...he had his arm under my head...I think there was some meeting of energies that triggered it. I: So it was also this particular person as well as the openess you were feeling at the time? O: Well, yes, I was falling in love with him, l was... surrendering to him, not to anything else, surrendering to life, being female, to...the sense of the human journey of loving, a marriage, children, that whole...to my total humanness and being part of that. I: How did this incident change your life? O: I should say before I answer that, that later on in the afternoon when I was thinking what could I say about this, two things came to mind...in fact, it wasn't later on in the afternoon, I'm a little hazy, I'm sure it wasn't later on in the afternoon, it was as I came back to my body I thought: Yeah, one of the crowd, and the other thing was: Live and let live, but live and let live with such loving...a total commitment to live and let live...so that is how it changed my life. I used to have before that a competitive edge, I was raised in a very competitive household at a very competitve time, and that vanished, just vanished for me...everybody was entitled, like one of the crowd, no sense that...it was so wonderful and comfortable to feel just one of the crowd and that didn't mean at all hiding my light, anything but, but it was just like showing my mud pies to a little friend who was making mud pies too...that quality about it, a child-like thing. And the live and let live was somehow...in this 161 through the crack in the world, the colours were so much brighter, all of my senses were just...my sense of humour was just going a mile a minute...and I was just totally in my depths, happy, contented, I had fallen in love with my self...was really what happened...and therefore everyone else was just as precious as my Love, or as my self, it was the preciousness of it...cats, roses,... I: The world was different? O: Totally different...Also, it was as though everything was perfectly okay, all was well. And an utter rush of forgiveness for my parents, because I was a battered child, for everyone who had hurt me in my life, I had such a sense of loving towards them all and such a sense of acceptance of them. I realized that being unhappy was being disconnected from Cod...and all this lasted a fair while into my marriage then the feeling was lost... I: This must have altered how you view life? O: Yes, and in lots of ways it added tremendously to my frustration...especially in my marriage where I couldn't make this point of view clear, acceptable, reasonable...actually it's the main reason I'm getting a divorce, do you know that...so that I can get back to that. I: Perhaps to clarify, you did not marry the man you had this experience with... O: No I didn't, and who knows how that would have gone, yeah...who knows... I: How do you view this experience now with the passage of time? O: Well, every so often I read some book or other that says: Yes, you have to give up everything, then the person replies: Oh, I will give up everything but this, this is far too precious, I can't give this up...It is without a doubt...I'm hesitating because I'm thinking about when my children were born, especially my eldest son, and I looked at him and I thought: I know how much Cod loves us, because I love you so...and that wonder of...that small creature...! know I would not have had that depth of feeling for my children without that experience...so I would have to say it was the most important experience of my life...yeah... I: That says it all... O: Yes, yes... I: I have no other questions, you've filled in the spaces so well, do you have anything else you want to add? O: Well, just that I have spent the rest of my life since then looking for and in the search for Cod, for the One, whatever...and I've spent a lot of my time before that as well on the same search. I: Is that in a way, searching for the same experience again? Is that what you mean? O: It is partly... it is, I think, falling in love with my self again, yes...And I've had glimmers of it again and it is like a crack in the world where...there is a different plane to live on, and it is the same world, but it's just on a different plane...so it is deeper, brighter, richer, it's as though a gray film has been pulled off... I: Good luck...God speed... Cod speed, right...(Both laughing)... Thank you, very much, O. 163 Transcript #2 (Case O) I: O., You have a copy of your transcript and a page of themes. We can focus in a general way first. I'm wondering if there is anything in the transcript you want to add or change? O: I would take out some of the "urn's" and "er's", but other than that, it's accurate. I: Then we can turn to the themes. You may not have had much opportunity to peruse them, but are there any that need clarification that you can see right off the bat? O: No, I can understand them. They all seem very clear. There are some that do not apply and some where I would just change a word, and some that do apply. I: We can go through them individually if you would like, so each one is addressed. O: So, in the Before part, "deeply involved", yes; "close relationship", yes; "openess", true. In the During section, "sudden and unexpected onset", indeed true. The next one, "being overwhelmed" isn't right, it was more of just intense being...total being with..."Increased sensory acuity", like the acuity, it was so inner that it wasn't like, it was so internal...very acute...no emotion to it other than...l certainly felt it in the body. It was like an earthquake up and down my backbone. The "magnification of feelings", I just remember that feeling of total loving, total rightness and goodness about myself and the world... Also, the next one, "incongruity between reason and felt experience" does not apply. True for "unmediated knowing"..."the sense of being directed" was more the sense of being safe, but perhaps a sense of direction, in the surrendering to my heart. "Certainty of knowing, true. "Merging with a larger whole" was present also. As for "timelessness", if you mean a sense of eternity, true with that... I: That term might be broadened to include any time sense whether it be just "temporality" or "synchronicity" or any element of time. In our first meeting, I had asked you how long did that last, and you said you didn't have a clue...you didn't have a sense of the time... O: Well, then, it was there... "A sense of otherness"...! should ask you about that, is it being different from... I: The sense of otherness is like a communication from some other consciousness or source, other than yourself, or some inner direction that was not self, or something operating through you. O: I would say "yes" if it's like a sense of connectedness with a higher self or God-part of me. Certainly, the "awe and wonder" is true, along with the "experience complete in itself" and the "ineffability" being indeed true....Into the After section, "recognition of deeper insight and understanding of self" is true. "Increased strength and empowerment" is true - in spades. It was most certainly a "critical turning point" for me in that my lifeview was forever different...this glimpse of another plane of living has remained with me all these years. "A new position of self" also true. The next one, "sense of the spiritual dimension" also true. "Sense of a supreme being outside oneself", it was more one with... I: For you, what words would be more appropriate? 164 O: "Within", instead of" outside"... but also "without" as well, it's just all one...all one...a sense of oneness, being surrounded as well as being internally present. I: Yes... O: Definitely a "feeling of being graced". Yes to "certainty and wisdom of the learned truth". And "change in one's relationship with other", indeed, everything changed. "Caution in sharing the experience". What I'm moved to say is: With whom could that be shared? It was not recognized in my day, in my experience... I: Except perhaps with your Mother and Father, which you mentioned? O: They understood all the others, but I'm sure they wouldn't have understood this one. I could have tried, but one doesn't discuss one's first love with one's parents. I: So you actually didn't share it with anyone in your immediate circle then? O: No, not even with the young man...but I thought actually, funny thing, I thought probably everyone else knew that, when I was the only one that did. And, yes, this was "different from other experiences", so the next theme is true for me. Yes, there is the "enduring quality" for certain. But not a "sense of readjustment", but of change...I was changed, I went on from there, I didn't speak of it to myself as readjustment, it never crossed my mind. I suppose if you have to have some way of saying it, that will do... I: Because you were changed, do you mean a shift in perspective? O: Yes, but it shifted...! take readjustment to mean that there's something that you recognize, and you adjust to it. This was a change that I had no say about what I did with it. I: How might you word it to fit your experience? O: Well, it was a totally new reality and it was like a new heaven and a new earth. A kid doesn't have to readjust when he finally gets tall enough to turn on the light switch, he just turns on the light switch. There's no readjustment necessary. It's sort of increased powers... I: It has nothing to do with adapting... O: No, no...it's being... I: For you, it was a new sense of being...which might be covered by one of the above themes. O: Yes, I didn't have to take anything into consideration at all. I: What I need to add here to clarify for you is this...that this is a generalized theme, this "sense of readjustment" and specifically, there was frustration after the experience in your words: It added tremendously to my frustration especially in my marriage where I couldn't make this point of view clear. So, there was a sense of post-experience that was difficult? O: It was that being place where the kid and the light switch, and if someone takes all the light bulbs out, that is frustrating to someone who knows that you can turn on the lights with the switch. That that being place was not accepted, I don't consider that readjustment after the experience. It was not accepted which was another reality, that was my spouse's reality, 165 that I came in contact with. Sure, it was frustrating beyond belief, it wasn't just that - I was frustrated with him in so many ways, so I think this theme does not apply. I: Another way of approaching this is...after you had this experience and you were changed, how was it for you? You did say that it was as if you had the "midas touch", so you were living at another level. It created a different kind of ease of moving in the world. O: Ease, confidence, peace. It was "yes-saying" to life. I: It was more joyous after the experience, living in the world. I'm wondering if living in this new place, how was it with others who might have had no previous appreciation of this. Were there any difficulties at all? O: No, everyone was perfect, they were. Like I saw everyone differently and somehow or other, they responded to me differently, so it was easy, peaceful. And l wanted nothing from them. I was just expressing who I was at that time. I: It was much easier after the experience...a different way of living in the world afterwards...all of this can be included in many of the abovementioned themes... O: Yes, it is part of many of them...the total liberation of that experience, I hesitate in limiting it in any way. "New acceptance and trust of intuitive abilities", yes...They're hard, aren't they? I: It's hard in getting the exact words that will fit in a general way because it can be specific for one person, but a shade off for someone else, so trying to find a common theme is difficult. But now, I would like to move back to the During of the experience. It was really for you, a kind of mystical experience, would you say? O: Yes, that is true. I: Can you expand a bit on your sense of transcending... O: I wasn't overwhelmed...it was a process where...! think of being overwhelmed as a sense of something coming from outside overwhelming me, and that was not true. I was not exercising control, yes, the feeling taking over in a powerful way, but more like surrendering to it. There was this great sense of "I" with it, and with the tremendous sense of "I" there is no being overwhelmed, no loss of control, just going with that "I"...following it. I: That sense of self, that "I" was very strong... O: And still with the strong "I", "I have been since the beginning of time", and that is how come it was the Cod beyond God, just all being created together at the same time. I: So you were God, and you were you...altogether... O: I was going to God and God was me. How do you say that so that it's not inflation...just awe...OH, SO THAT'S IT! I: Would you comment more on "increased strength and empowerment" to which you gave an emphatic "yes". O: Just the physical grace...I would get an idea, let it sink down to my heart, check it out, and the energy would just come to do that, it was just a flowing, wondrous, benign thing. 166 The sense of sureness about the inspiration, it would come so quickly, like in sync. I had everything, and no sense of needing anything, therefore I had such an abundance to offer, like in my work and relationship. One thing that is not in here is the humour, just the utter, joyous laughter of living, which I felt comes under the heading of empowerment with me. Just laughter. 1: That was a new quality? O: I had had a very sharp wit, but I had to watch that I did not hurt someone's feelings. After that, I never had to watch because there was not ever any intention to hurt, therefore I knew everything would come out in a benign way. And that fear of my own wit disappeared. I: It is a different kind of trusting yourself? O: That is right...very different. I: And those other qualities you spoke of like allowing it to come into your heart and then letting it flow out... O: And life was so easy, and 1 worked so hard, slept less than I ever had and that continued long into my marriage, that energy, no more than six hours a night and just going from early morning to late at night.. I: It is almost as if you are describing how the fears and insecurities and defenses just fell away. O: Yes, fell away. It was like being in overdrive, not a driven thing, but a delight. I could use some of that now, let me tell you (laughing). I: You said this so clearly and strongly in our first interview, also that you want to get back to that place. O: Right, yes...yes. 1: 1 think we have clarified and sorted out a great deal. Are there any other aspects here you want to comment on, O.? O: You know, that "timelessness" theme, I want to say "eternity" and that sense of right now, we are living an eternal life, and it is an eternal life that we go on forever...there's that sort of expanded thing, that timelessness. I: It is another way of looking at time, a new way... O: Yes, new...and the eternal quality that makes the moment so precious that L.am eternal life... I: Is it like gaining deeper insight into the quality and property of the time element? O: I think so. I: We've covered it all so well. Is there anything of real importance that hasn't been said? O: I think I've said quite enough.. Thank you very much, O. 168 Transcript #1 (Case C) I: C, I'm wondering if you would start by telling me about your intuitive experience as if it was a story with a beginning, middle and end. During your speaking, I may stop you to ask questions. C: I graduated with my M.A. in psychology in 1961, and had at that point decided I would not marry. As part of my professional development 1 had signed up to attend the International Congress of Psychiatry in Montreal in the beginning of June, and take a week-long workshop in group psychotherapy in mid-June. So I had gone to the conference in Montreal and met one of the psychiatrists that I had known in Weyburn who told me during that five days we were there he had accepted a job in Ontario opening a new mental health clinic and had asked me to go there...or thought he was going to get it. From there I went to Saskatchewan to take part in this workshop on group psychotherapy which was offered by George Bach, the anger man. And Georgie, and he is Georgie, felt one of the best ways to get started in group psychotherapy was through experience being in a group, so we spent many, many long hours together. By his definition a group has at least 8 people and as far as possible he had evened things out with equal numbers of men and women. Anyway, I think our group was equal...I looked them over and immediately took a dislike to a rather short, plump, aggressive, somewhat hostile little man around my own age and he, afterwards, told me that he thought that I had quite a brittle personality and very uptight and decidedly ugly, because at that point I had a very severe case of protruding buck teeth. Well, as it turned out, I guess both of us were socially inept, and so everyone got paired off with encouragement from George and it came Wednesday night, and there was just the two of us in our group left. So we started talking to each other, as much out of embarrassment as anything, and he turned out once we had been talking a fair bit, he turned out to have a ...he was quite a curious individual, interested in a lot of things, and that appealed to me because I was very intellectual at that point. So, we got together again, decided to get together again on the Thursday night, and he invited me out to dinner. I was very pleased about that. We went and had a lovely dinner, sat and talked until the early hours, went and had coffee somewhere and went on talking, and it being midsummer, the dawn came very early there in Saskatoon, so we thought why don't we go out and watch the sun rise....because they're quite spectacular in Saskatchewan...huge spreads, you know. And I suspected that he was on the make, which he afterwards admitted, he was, but I also felt that being 26, you can't wait forever, and since I wasn't getting married anyway, what the hell, so I said "sure". We went out, drove out to the eastern outskirts of Saskatoon, to where we were out on the bald prairie and found a lovely spot on the river bank that gave us this wide view. We had reached the point by that time when the sky was light, very light, but no sign of the sun yet, so we got out to walk. And as we were walking, I had this experience, which might be called a psychedelic experience in that the environment seemed to change, it seemed, 1 suppose partly due to fatigue because we'd missed a tremendous amount of sleep. Georgie started his groups early and ran them late. And then, we had stayed up all night, so I think that contributed to it, seemed we both had this same experience we found out afterwards. We didn't talk, we just walked, very slowly holding hands just watching. And the experience was one in which the whole thing became quite luminous, very clear, bright light and had a sense of our being the first man and the first woman of the dawn spirit, a sense at a very deep level we were meant to be together. That, I guess if I had had the same religious views then that I have now, I would say we had chosen each other prior to choosing this particular life on earth. We had chosen this experience. I: Can you describe how you felt inside? 169 C: A sense of oneness, oneness with the environment, the universe, but oneness with this person who was next to me, a great sense of stillness, reverence, a sense of absolute certainty of what was happening...! don't know how long it went on, it must have been a fair while. We went back to the car afterwards and we must have been out there for hours, I think. I: Can we just stay there to when the two of you were walking, before you went back to the car? Was this a feeling that grew on you, or did it come suddenly? C: It was more a sense of being engulfed in it, it wasn't one of gradually coming on. At one point we were walking along, walking out towards the edge of the bank, feeling the wind and so forth, and thinking how beautiful it is this morning, and then just suddenly into this experience...it was just so...this timelessness, just a total timelessness... I: And it was inside as well as outside? C: Yes, yes, and a deep sense of...it was as though, the rest of my life was an illusion, this was real. I: What about the sense of time? C: There wasn't any time...so even though the sun had changed position, I hadn't experienced that time, there wasn't an awareness of time. I: What were you thinking about during this time, if you were thinking at all? C: Ah, as far as I remember, there just wasn't, there was no sort of rational thinking, such as judging this experience or how does this compare or anything like that, it was just being engulfed in this experience. Even afterward, my rational mind sort of said: hey, um... I: After when? G: After the experience, in the weeks and months that followed, my rational mind said all sorts of things about whether or not this was the right person to choose. Look at his childhood, look at his relationship with his father, look at his mood changes, his incredible level of insecurity, ... I: So you were questioning that experience you had? C: Yes, well, my rational mind was saying this, another part of me was saying that I know this was so. I: What part of you says this is so? C: It is l don't know...it's the part of me that I'm learning to use more and more, for example, since ...right now, I'd guess you'd say I'm on spiritual journey, a great deal, and so now it's coming into my work with people. I use that a great deal in my working with people where my rational mind might sit down in between the sessions and say: Okay, this, this, this and this...we probably should look at this, it seems to me that's what's happening between this couple. But when I go into the session it's much more a sense of simply being there and being open. And the more I can simply be open and aware, things happen. I: So when you talk of being open and aware, it's something within you? 170 G: Yes, it's an inner stillness, it prepares me, so it would be outside the rational planning and thinking... I: I'm going to take us back to the experience again, because there are some more questions I want to ask you about that experience itself. What was the most vivid part of the experience for you? G: The certainty! I: The feeling inside? G: Yes, the inner feeling of certainty. Externally, it was the sense of the golden light... I: When you say golden light, was this a sense of protection, or guidedness, or something..? G: Yes, I'd seen the golden light before, I just seemed to be surrounded by visually, a golden atmosphere or aura....Inwardly there's a tremendous sense of peace, of love, of being ...so words like threat and fear and doubt, they have no meaning. I: How long did this feeling last for you...this sense of oneness? G: My guess would be that it could have gone on for half an hour, because we didn't check our watches that carefully or anything, as far as...this was B.'s and my estimate actually about how long we were out there. I: Did the two of you talk during this experience? G: Not at all. And even when we went back to the car we sat for a long time, just sitting there staring out, holding hands, just watching the sun. Then when we started to talk, we started ....tentatively feeling our way into describing what had happened. And this was when we discovered we had had a very similar kind of experience. His had simply been in the terms of the golden light, his hadn't been the certainty that he was to marry me or anything like that, but that was for me. But he had the experience of this tremendous peace. I guess, this is what the old mystics would call "being in the presence of God". I: So you shared this with B. in the car? Did you talk about this with anyone else? G: I didn't tell B. about my knowing I was going to marry him...(Laughing) I knew this was a very marriage-shy man, extremely marriage-shy, because from what he had told me of his past of more than one girl who had attempted to snare him. Because after all, twenty-six was a late age to be married in the early 60's.... I: So what did you share? G: We shared about the experience of light, the sense of wonder of the universe, the...our rational minds got busy on it, comparing it with LSD experiences. It was as though the talking started very, very slowly, and it only got back to normal after sort of an hour, or two hours had elapsed. We weren't really chattering until we were in a restaurant having breakfast. I: Did you talk with anyone else, like immediately after? 171 G: No, it seemed too special. I: Did you act on the experience in any way? G: Oh, afterward...of course! (Laughing) ...I just made myself very, very available. I: You consciously did that, out of this experience? G: Yes, I wanted to find out as much about him as possible, and to experience as much with him as possible, because if I was going to marry him...besides, you see, this had happened on the early Friday morning and on the Wednesday I had accepted the job with the psychiatrist which meant I would be moving from Alberta to Ontario to work. And here this was June and he wanted me to start the beginning of October. So there were three months....this was the 16th of June that this happened. I remember the date very well. It was also the date of my second son's birth, which was interesting. My first son was born on our second wedding anniversary. I: (Both laughing) All timely, aren't they? G: Quite remarkable... I: So you had a real time pressure? G: A real time pressure, a real time pressure. And I knew I had to marry this man before I left for the job. Well, that was a little scary too, you know, because that meant leaving all my friends, relatives, moving to a strange province and this person I knew and accepted at this deep level, I really knew this man, at this very, very deep spiritual level....and in between was all this intervening personality, and he was not an easy person in those days. I: So at some level you really trusted that deep bonding? G: Oh, tremendous trust in that. And, we've had a lot of upheavals over the years, until, I guess, the last five years we came back...yes, about five...Anyway, it was that experience that sort of carried me through all of those...that this was meant to be. Otherwise, I'm certain I would have left him. Being a professional woman I wasn't dependent on him financially, and I was always from a family that coped, that strong survival instinct, so even though we had two small children, throughout much of the difficult time, the option of leaving was much more available to me more than most women. I: Somehow you still trusted that deep initial bond? G: Deep certainty about that, and that experience. I: So this was the change...my question then is what immediate change within yourself were you aware of? G: You see, I had arrived there....until that Friday morning I was going to be a single, professional woman and following that Friday morning, I was going to be a married woman. I: That was a change in your self-image actually? G: A big change...Ah, you see, I left home when I was eighteen, seventeen actually, I put myself through university without any financial assistance from my family, I'd gone off and 172 worked in Saskatchewan for a year, then gone back and completed the Master's program, in psychology, and so I was very used to being highly independent, organizing my life for myself. I: Did you question that change within...in a rational way? G: Oh, lots of questions, rationally, you know...wild ones: What are you doing? Do you realize what you're letting yourself in for? I can even remember the day after we were married, we had stayed the night in Edmonton, where we were married, and started driving the next afternoon. We had breakfast with ...I think my parents stayed, but I'm not really sure of that, then we started driving towards Ontario - that was our honeymoon, moving to Ontario - and I still remember the feeling as we crossed the border into Saskatchewan, that sick feeling in the pit of my stomach...God, I hardly know this man, I only met him four months ago tomorrow, and here I am, moving away to a strange part of the world, taking a job I've never done before...And the comic thing, you see, is going back to that certainty of that experience..that was how I brought the panic under control. Mind you, I've always had a strong intuitive sense...as a kid for example, I went through a period I could win any game I played simply by willing the dice or willing the cards, or whatever. If it was one of those games like Old Maid, I'd get cards from the other person, I knew which card to take, to stop and sense, and find the right card, and so I was used to sort of trusting that inner sense. I: So you had some previous experience, even though not such critical ones. G: Yes, lots of previous experiences, ... I: How was this intuitive experience different from other, let's say, impulsive actions? G: It's in that sense of knowing, there's an inner Tightness, an inner certainty about it. It's quite different... I: How do you experience that inner Tightness? G: It's so hard, you know. Our words are all built around the five senses, and this is a ...an inner sense of knowing, there's a ...inner sense of peace in relation to it, a confidence, a ... a calmness, I guess would be another word... I: Almost defies description, you're saying? G: Yes, yes...and the interesting thing, you see, is that in many ways it defied all logic. My parents and friends sort of looked askance at me for wanting to get married after knowing this man for such a short time, particularly back in those days, it just wasn't done...Here we went off camping each weekend before we were married which wasn't done, and we went to visit his parents and my parents. My family were very non-interfering people, and my mother said: If you're sure you want to do this, which was her way of saying: I have grave doubts about what you're up to....so then my reaction was to take all those things and say: What on earth are you up to? And then, this inner sense would say: Yes, but that's the thing to do. I: Was there any sense that you had to prove to yourself and to the others who were sceptical that this was the right thing? G: I didn't tell them about it, it was the sort of experience, I guess ... that's another change that's happened over the twenty-five years, that people are much more open to this sort of thing than they were back then, so it wasn't an experience you would share with anybody except your very closest friends or someone who had experienced the same kind of 173 thing. It wasn't something I would have told my parents or his parents about because they just wouldn't have understood. I: Now you speak fairly freely about that experience? C: Oh, sure...I think I even told my mother-in-law eventually, I might have even told her earlier if her hearing had been better. I: How would you say this experience has changed you? I'm not so much talking about the fact you married and had this life together, but I was thinking more internally about trusting this kind of experience? C: Yes, probably,...that it has certainly increased my tendency to trust those types of experiences. There was an upsurge,... I'm not sure it was a result of that so much as...an upsurge in relation to my children when they were small. I: So it has allowed you to trust this feeling, or knowing, that you have and not question it so readily. Has it changed how you view life generally? C: It probably has contributed to the direction my spiritual seeking has taken. I: Can you tell me more about that? C: Yes, it has...l would say it has definitely something to do with that. I'm nominally Unitarian, l think I've been to a service once in the last two years, but I get much more from several close friends, very close friends, and currently, I'm involved with one of them in R. M.'s workshops,...that's why I say five years ago, that's the change, because B. knew R. at the time... I: The transpersonal...so it's been a big factor in that direction... C: Very much so...And I would say that J.'s (son) growing up and leaving, very much in the transitional phase, so I find more and more attention is getting my practice underway again, in term of psych assessments and so on. My painting which I just took up, and my spiritual search, I get great pleasure in getting up an hour, an hour and a half earlier before the family, doing my exercises, and meditating, and that's really what it's about... I: I'm wondering now that twenty-five years have passed, how do you view this experience with the passage of time? C: Well, the psychological mind can do all kinds of things, in terms of accounting for it, but there's still that inner level of knowing, that holds validity in that experience. There was a period where our marriage went through intensive upheaval and I really began to doubt and to trust more in the psychological explanation but .... that was only when things became extremely serious, when my husband had already decided when we were splitting, and had psychologically moved out of the relationship. And even then one part of me was saying: But...how can this be, because ... I: Do you hold more to this than B. does...from that experience...because it was your experience? C: Yes, because it was my experience. I: So it's still something that keeps you in the marriage in a very meaningful way? 174 C: At a deep level...there's a belief that...ah, ah...a core belief that there's a spiritual bond between us regardless of what might ever happen on the surface. And so, even if we have a disagreement which is ....we've reached a new level in our relationship I think we're getting much more pleasure, peace and joy out of our relationship, more than we've ever had in our lives. And even at the times when we do occasionally fight, rare now, I find myself feeling now...he may be a bastard at times from the psychological level, but he does have that underlying spiritual... I: So that also helps you to see a part of him that he doesn't everyday openly express? C: Yes.... I: I wonder if you've applied that to others as well? C: Yeah, I think that enters in a lot of the time, certainly dealing with difficult kids in the classroom, and beneath all their contrariness, their battling the world and so on, there's a soul that is discovering itself. I: I'm not sure if I've asked this already, and if so, please say so. But what was it that made you feel certain about that experience? C: I don't think you asked that exact question, because I'm sure I would have remembered that one. What was about it? My answer is...that's an impossible question, you just know! You just know! Black is black because you and I agree that it's black, but maybe it isn't, but this is something you know! I: I haven't got any more questions, but if there's anything else you would like to add that feels important, please add that. G: I guess the only thing I would say is that philosophically we should be making kids much more aware of this aspect of themselves, that our whole school system is based on that rational, scientific, linear, and I believe that it's from this level that come our most brilliant knowings. And we need to know there's another part of life. I: Thank you, G. 175 Transcript #2 (Case C) I: You've had a chance to read through your transcript, G., and also go over the themes, but let's start with comments you may have about the transcript itself. What are your general impressions on reading your own words about your experience? C: Between us, I think we did a pretty good job of coming up with what that experience was. In reading over the themes, I'm impressed with how many of them fit what I experienced at the time. I: Yes. Were you surprised then at seeing the themes? G: I was surprised to see how almost every one applied to the experience I had. One of the neat things about it is: Okay, my experience wasn't all that unique, there are these other people who have had these themes running through their experiences. I: How did that feel to recognize... G: «o.Good, less alone in the universe. 6 I: If there are no other general comments, we could go through the themes individually, and break it down to see if there's anything that needs more elaboration. In the Before section, you certainly explained it well in terms where you were in your life and what immediately occurred before your intuitive experience. C: All three would apply very definitely to my experience. I: What about the themes in the During section? G: Well, "sense of incongruity between reason and felt experience". That doesn't occur During for me, that was afterwards. During it was just a total immersion experience; there was no reason whatever, it ceased to exist at that point. But, for afterwards, that's very definite. I: It is part of your experience, but not During. G: Yes, that's right. I: I'm also wondering if you had any sense of bewilderment or puzzlement. G: Not puzzled, like moving directly out of the rational mind. Bewilderment seems to me part of the rational mind, trying to regain control of the experience and there's none of that. I: Would another word be more appropriate for you? G: Well, the sense of bewilderment came afterwards as the rational mind comes back here and says: Hey, what went on here? I: I recall from your transcript a lot of the questions that came up for you. Where you said you were much an intellectual and it was after the experience that all the questions started pouring forth. So the bewilderment was After. How soon after, would you say? 176 G: Well, it would be sort of during the transition to more normal, more usual way of being, a sense of "what happened?" It was before leaving the riverbank, really, and while in the car. I: And was it more bewilderment about the experience itself or its meaning? G: The meaning is clear. Bewilderment about the experience, I guess. Sort of "what's going on here?", "why did it happen?", "what is this?"...yes...(Long pause)..."Sense of awe and wonder", yes, that fit very strongly. I was talking to a friend this morning telling her that I'd been reading through this and then she said that she didn't remember my having ever told her, and we talked about this a bit. I suggested to her that the closest I could come to a description of it in the literature is from Wind in the Willow, a chapter called "The Piper at the Gates of Dawn", where the animals go out and see the god Pan. It's worth reading, I think, just to...he evokes that sense of wonder... I: Like magic, that sense... G: A whole new magic! I: That adjective is important...yes, a sacred, special kind of wonder... G: Mmm...hmmm... I: Would you say that the experience was complete in itself, all the pieces fit together? G: Yes, yes...(Pause) "Sense of being directed". It's almost as though...one of the difficulties here is how much does your thinking change as the years go on. Apparently someone has suggested now that we don't have memories, we reconstruct them each time. So you wonder how much this gets reconstructed each time. (Both laughing) Because I have difficulty with those words about being directed. There's a sense of knowing that I was to marry, but it's not as though it was external directive, but simply become aware of, sort of, pattern that had been laid out beforehand. I: It was like having found your own direction then? G: Yes...like seeing the script...I may have done that planning before but in the process of being, have no memory of this. So the theme might fit better if it was worded "sense of there being a direction" or "sense of direction". The "being" means for me the direction being imposed from the outside. I: Let's move to After now which covers the immediate After as well as the After looking back over many years...this covers a much larger time element and perspective. G: "Sense of supreme being outside oneself". I think even then I didn't have a sense of a supreme being outside myself, it is more my sense of my own godness... I: It seems then for you the supreme being could be "inside and/or outside oneself". G: That seems better for me...l suppose it's like saying you recognize that you're a part of an infinite pattern, sort of a place in the universe that at one and the same time becomes aware of how infinitesimal and minute your part is. At the same time, how absolutely essential you are to the entire pattern. Without your own existence the whole pattern breaks down. The experience brought that deep sense of wholly connectedness with all that existed. 177 I: W-h-o-l-l-y or h-o-l-e-y? G: Both, both!... (laughing). I: I'd like to hear more about your sense of change after the experience, referring to theme number 31. G: When I saw the word, "readjustment" I simply read a sense of feeling different and that leads to your behaving in a different way. I: So this feels appropriate for you? G: Yes. I: Any other themes you care to elaborate on? G: Perhaps the last one. Funny l didn't...this experience seemed to be so unique that I didn't tie it particularly to my other intuitive experiences. So perhaps there was an acceptance and trust of that experience that I didn't see it being tied to other intuitive experiences, like the knowing that something was going to happen to somebody. I: Did this come about when you did tie it together with intuition, but maybe a higher level intuition. It came about much later perhaps. G: Yes...I guess you could say that some of these recognitions came about over time, not all of a sudden. An experience like that is so overwhelming and so different from normal experience that there's a tendency to set it aside and hold it apart from normal experience. It takes almost years to begin to see... I: It's not an immediate insight, but a gradual o»e...but no, it might be immediate insight, but it's the integrating of it that is gradual... G: The integrating of it takes years...that there is a tendency to hold it apart as though somehow..There may even be a sense of it having a holey, h-o-l, experience and you don't want to contaminate it with everyday life. Certainly for me, it was much more of a division, like the sacred and profane in those days. Whereas now, it might be more of a seamless coat. I: That's a nice way of describing it, because it is what we do with the special, special experiences in our lives...to hold them apart. Time does that, do you think, as we grow and evolve... G: Or the experiences you have later lead you to begin to see that it is a part of a pattern. I: As someone said: It's the whole blessed cheese! (Both laughing). Is there anything else you wish to add, G.? G: I don't think so. I think we've really covered everything. I: Thank you very much, G. I appreciate your time and all your thinking about this. 178 Transcript #1 (Case H) I: H., begin by describing an intuitive experience that you've had that has been of personal significance for you and to tell it as a story first beginning with the context of the situation before the experience occurred and then the experience itself. I may be stopping in the middle to ask you questions to clarify. H: Alright, Irene. This particular item that I've chosen happened nearly, oh, thirty years ago. But it has kept its significance for me all this time so I imagine it's valid for you. The background before the item went something like this. I'd been in the church, in the ministry and had always sensed without any specific understanding on the edge of something much more vast than l was sharing with my people. And feeling by the way that the whole church-thing is, or was, like that. That we were on the edge of things, rather than right in the middle. So I was ripe for this sort of experience. Now what happened was I had always ...incidentally I want to bring into the introduction my friend in Seattle because later on in the story, you will see why. It's a good idea to mention this first. I had lived in Seattle, I was on the staff of a church of 3300 members. And this fellow D., was his name, was a good friend and a real profound thinker. Always I felt he was beyond me, pulling me into something, you see. Now I've left Seattle and now living in Vancouver at the time of this event and still kind of moved with a philosophical pull toward something bigger. And one day as I was wont to do, as they say in the books, I was out on the rocks at Whytecliffe, just sitting there looking at the ocean...the kind of thing I like doing, the solitary quiet is good for me. So I had my little journal there and my pen and all of a sudden I just started writing. Now this was not uncommon for me, as I often did that. But this time the writing, the ideas tumbled over one another so fast that I could hardly write them down. And in areas I wasn't used to thinking. So I imagine this kind of thing qualifies as intuitive, right? I : Yes, yes. H: Okay now. The main idea of the sorts of things I wrote down had to do with my moving into a field of effort whereby I shared more of my love and more of my insight in a more effective way with the people I came in contact with. So I wrote down things like this -a plan to express this love for mankind far more viably than I ever had and at that time, thirty years ago, the word "holistic", for example, was rarely ever heard, but this whole thing had to do with a holistic approach which was something more than usual in the church. It included the physical concerns, the spiritual, the emotional, and the health and the recreational and the fun and the love aspects of people's experiencing and living together. It was also an ecumenical thing. Every little while in the churches for years there had been movements of unity for example, the United Church of Canada used to be something else. But this thing that I had, that I wrote down was ecumenical in the sense that it was completely open to everybody. I could see that in my church if I could ever get the backing of the people, it would be a church without any qualification for membership, and all in the way of creed or standards of behavior or whatever. It would be people searching for something. So there was a holistic and ecumenical approach and a team approach in that I could see what is ordinarily thought of as a minister was less than we needed. We needed doctors and psychiatrists and recreational people and fun people and health people and nutritionists and everything, moreover we needed them on the staff. Here I am, and by the way, the church I served in in Seattle had 3300 members as I told you. Then I came back to Vancouver of my own accord to a church of 100. And here I was in a church of 100 and thinking of paying for a staff of 10, 13, or 20 outstanding people in their various fields. Now either a person's out of his head or he's got some real intuitive insights, you see. So then, of course, you can understand that I 179 was pretty excited about this, being out there on the rocks, wide-eyed. But then, the next phase of it nearly ruined my topic, because in comes a whole bunch of ideas of how to finance this thing which is right out of my realm. I never was business-like at all, not even as much as I should have been to be an ordinary human being, let alone a leader of a group. So when the ideas of how to finance this multistaffed, big, far-reaching project came tumbling in and I wrote them down, I was awestruck, of course, it was just amazing! Ah, and then, came the third stage of this thing, came a detailed plan for me for the physical centre, the building that would be used for the kind of thing I saw as being appropriate to do. And this building incidentally we had blueprints made later on and so forth, it was astounding in its concept. It was in circles with rooms on the outside, that looked out over the scene, small, for small groups and individual people, and then the next row inside bigger for bigger groups, then the centre a worshipful chapel-like situation, high up in the dome or glass, you know, just amazing, I'd never seen anything like it or read anything like it. I: So you had this vision of how the building would be and you actually drew it in your Journal? H: I didn't draw it then, but I wrote down a description. I'm not a drawer, or probably I would have tried. A description was there but not a drawing. Okay now, the building was well equipped for all these different aspects, including a hospital, gymnasium, the whole thing. I: Like a community almost. H: Yeah, a community centre, but far more than I've ever seen yet, and of course, years ahead of its time then. Anyone of these community centers we have now are way ahead of what we had then but not nearly as far as this vision went. So then also included was a detailed plan for the first stage while preparing for the bigger vision, you see. And the first stage was enough to knock my eyes out, that included working from the little church I had and turning it into a multistaffed fulltime, 24 hour, 7 days a week centre of activity and service and love and so on, you see. Including an unlimited membership and so forth. Now, then, when I say I got details for the first stage what to do now, also came the details of what that would lead into, the second stage, the bigger thing. Now the reason I mention my friend in Seattle because I was so excited about this. We had talked about the philosophy of the grander picture, you know. I hurried home and phoned him and said, "D., I've got something I want to talk over with you." He said, "I'm glad you phoned, I've been trying to get you. I've got the best idea." And I said, "Well, we better get together". Right, so I left for Seattle in the car. Bango! And when I got there I still could hardly wait. But he is more aggressive than I and he said, "Just be quiet, I want tell you something". So he told me this! And I nearly dropped dead, of course! I tell you, there was, l don't mean every detail was exactly the same, but there were no conflicts. There was nothing in which his insight was so different from mine that they didn't gel. So that was a terrific experience. Now, if we go into how well this worked out, we won't be doing what you want, but I noticed your other question. I: I would like to pause just a minute and get some clarification, because I think what comes out of your intuitive experience is important, but let's leave that for the end. What I wanted to go back to was when you were at Whytecliffe, sitting and enjoying the sun, do you remember how you felt or what was on your mind at that time? H: No, I don't, but I don't think it's important and I need to tell you why. This was a thing I often did, you see, up til now, this wasn't a new event. And I still do this, I still have what I call "quiet times". And I still have my little black book I write in. I have a drawer-full there, from thirty years. So it was a common experience for me and what I was thinking about and how did I felt...well, I felt very much like part of everything. And that I always, no not always, but so often in those experiences felt receptive, and .. 180 I: You were open. H Yes, but if anybody had said to me well does this receptive mean something comes to you from outside, well, that wouldn't have satisfied me, but I had a sense that it came to me from within. But that didn't satisfy me either, that made it too dinky, not that I was dinky, I saw myself as magnificent and cosmic and so forth, still do. But at the same time, if I concentrate on stuff inside, welling up from within me I cut off a lot of other sources, so with me, I'm receptive from within and without, I'm part of the whole blessed cheese that the cosmos couldn't get along without me and I can't get along without it...so... I: One and the same.. H: Yes, so I wasn't just thinking how will I work out this project, I was just there and so, my feeling, to answer your question, was one of awe and quiet and receptivity. I: That was before the writing came to you? H: Yes, no effort, no trying, no prescribed programme that I was about to follow. I: And it happened suddenly? H: Well, yes. I was sitting there before I opened my book. You see, what I do, is I have this book always within reach and a pen within reach, but I don't open it and say, what will I write. I'm there and I'm open to feelings and ideas, and if there are any then I grab my book. I: Now what was your feeling when you began to write? H: Well, it was different than usual in that I was in a hurry, it felt like I couldn't keep up with the ideas, I abbreviated things. Incidentally l didn't keep that book, l often wished I had, probably just as well. Anyway, I felt that there was far more than I could write down or feel or handle and that it was valid and real. I didn't feel proud about it or aggressive about it. It was just something I had. I: So you just felt this feeling of being in a hurry? H: Yes, physically in a hurry, not to lose this thing. Get it down, get it down. I: You knew it was very special stuff you were in touch with? H: Yes. Now, I often had the feeling that what I was writing was special, but this had this different dimension. It was huge, majestic, and yet in some aspects quite detailed which was new for me. Well, I would have things in detail often in my little book, but for instance: "Write Marjory", you know, but these detail things weren't part of a majestic thing. Now this was both detailed and huge. I: It included both? H: Right, right. I: What was the most vivid or strongest thing that stands out for you during that experience of the writing? 181 H: I think perhaps, you just can't put words to all these things, I think perhaps that feeling of being awed and overwhelmed and very dinky, little, but important. I felt just like I was nothing there and yet that this was - I was honoured too. I must have been a very important person to have this all pour into me. And yet it was so big, I was little. I felt little and big both at once. (Laughing). I: As if you had been graced to do this? H: Yes. I: And it was that that gave you the feeling of certainty that this was very magnificent? H: Incidentally, the feeling of certainty I'd often had before too, but there were so many aspects of this thing that the certainty went along with it all. And when I phoned D., and went to see him in Seattle and told him, well he told me his thing first, and I sat there with my mouth open, then told him what I had, that was an extra bonus because well, I had felt sure before, but now to have this nutty guy, 150 miles away, in almost the same hour and the same kind of things in so many detail, that was... poof!!... I: It was a confirmation of your experience? H: Oh yes! I: He had experienced his in a similar kind of way? H: In a way. We had learned some things together. I was in Seattle for four and a half years, and he was a fellow who was mad at the church. His wife was on the church staff as some sort of a secretary, but he wasn't too keen on the church. He was a rough and tough, he was a mechanic, rough and tumbled genius type, in his ideas, mechanical and electrical. He was in the field of physics, and so forth, and just ... woof...of this background that I didn't have. I'm extremely simple as far as knowing technical things and doing things with my hands, I'm no good. I learned more about swearing from D. than anybody, he swore beautifully, blue the air turned. When he was talking about something lovely and wonderful and what we ordinarily would call religious. It was just his way. So we learned together about being open. I had always had that experience but we were good for each other and extremely so different from each other. So when I went down there and he had these same ideas from a really different approach altogether, it was such a confirmation for me. I: So during your drive down there, you still had that same feeling of connection with your project? H: Yes, I was glad I'd written it down, because I wouldn't have believed it, I don't think. I had written down so much, page after page after page. And l figured out afterward I was about two hours out there at Whytecliffe. And the drive down to Seattle I don't want to make this more beautiful than it was, but, thirty years later, I have the feeling that most of the way down there I was excited about the thing. But I could hardly wait to get there. And then I could hardly wait to get back here to tell people of D. having the same kinds of things I had. (Laughing). I: You shared your experience and D.'s experience of the project with people? H: Yes. Very privately...my wife, two or three people who were very close to me. It wasn't something I wrote an article about in the paper or spoke about in the pulpit. 182 1: I'm wondering if there's any felt sense of difference within, shortly after or immediately after? H: There was. Of course, one big difference was to have it confirmed by another person. That I hadn't been used to. That's one big difference. But .... This wasn't different, I've written this down in the wrong place, but I'll give it to you while it's in my mind. Well, it was different in that I had a new idea, a new sense of the inappropriateness of trying to evaluate the experience or defend or explain it, it was just there. That's all there was to it. I didn't need any effort to evaluate it or analyze it. I: It was complete in itself? H: Yes. Now, number four: what impression did this leave on you directly after the incident. Well, I wrote down here, in a weak moment, ecstasy, about which I'm very cagey, incidentally. Ecstasy for me or anybody, I'm Scotch, you know, I'm careful. So when I say I felt ecstatic, that's saying something, Irene. So, ecstasy, and confidence...! just knew...! didn't know, but I knew. (Laughing). I: There was a sense of real rightness? H: Oh yes! And ... this is important to me, I had a feeling of unlimited possibilities, not only in the plan, but in me, and in life. I: Can you tell me a bit more about that? H: Oh gosh...I still have that most of the time. I think I had it before too, but this gelled it. 1 don't think, oh, this is all so nebulous, but I don't think there are any limits I have a right to put on myself or on Irene or on tomorrow. You know, I don't know what that means...it's a feeling 1 have that we don't know nothing yet. 1: And this was, as you say, gelled by this experience? H: Yes, this was kind of a jolt, this wonderful thing, and a confirmation and so soon after, and in so much detail. I remember the figure 10,000, and I think it was dollars, or it might have been yards, but ....D. had 20....and he grinned at me and said, "You've always been dinky about things like this, you see". So he didn't doubt his figures and I didn't about mine, and we giggled about them being different. Imagine, the bigger thing and we're joking about that one item not being the same as the other guy's. Woof...So when I say "woof" like that, that's part of the answer to your question about what did this mean to me afterwards. Well, it just meant an underlining, an underscoring, a new colour and a new taste to things I had known before. It didn't make some great difference in the sense of steering me in a different direction, it made me feel better about going in the direction I was exploring. I: It was an affirmation? H: Yes. That's still continuing, by the way. People laugh at me when I say, "When I grow up, I'm going to do something..." but it's as natural for me to say...I know it's a joke and all, but at eighty-one, that's still the way I feel. Anything, anything could happen next week. I: This is something you carry with you all the time? H: Yes, but I have my moments, I don't need to go into detail, well what I was going to say was my whole life has been wonderful in the sense that I've been one of these fortunate 183 guys that has enjoyed every job he's had. I've never had any great traumatic experiences all my life until three years ago. And then, for me, hospital twelve times in fourteen months, my wife with Alzheimer's, retiring, L. and B. moving in here with me in the house I've lived in for thirty years with N all those things, so these last three years in one sense have been the hardest ones in my life. But this sort of indescribable something that I have is sort of the Gibraltar,... I am, you know, always at home and secure sort-of-thing. It was just to be honest with you that I have my moments, but I had hardly any until three years ago. I: So when you talk of the things you've had to deal with the last three years, the sense of strength, what you learned from this experience and all the many years you've lived, has helped to sustain you over the difficult times? H: Oh my, yes, It's been the ...without which, however they say at the Academy Awards, I could never have done what I did...Oh yeah, absolutely. In fact, once in awhile I get a little scary, but it's a good scary, about..., I wonder at times if I slip into too much, what we used to call, faith. My trust of who I am and what life is, is really pretty exciting, so once in awhile, I think: Oh gee, am I being impractical. And to make it worse, I am impractical, I'm not, as I said, a business-like person at all. So I wonder at times if I'm a little bit Alice-in-Wonderland-y, you know. But l only wonder about that for a minute or two. I: I'm wondering now with the lapse of time, if you view the experience in a different way or similar way as you did shortly after the experience? H: Well, only in the sense that I'm quite aware that we are all evolving, including me, and so some of the things that I think of differently, for example, even though I was never very orthodox about my idea of God, my idea of God thirty years ago and now, well, they are quite different. But none of these changes in me has made this experience different. I was able to understand it then in the light of how I understood life, religion, and so forth. Now I understand it in my current situation of growth and evolving. And I don't have to say, "Gee, I was dumb thirty years ago when I wrote that stuff down". No, I still feel that it's just as valid now as it ever was. I: And there was never any moment of question or doubt about it? H: No, just my, the question of doubt (laughing) was always about me rather than about the insight, that is, for instance when I start talking about building and owning a huge skyscraper building to help finance this project, you know that's not me, that's beyond me, so I think, what am I doing. And then, a few months later, I know that's the way to go. I: I'm curious to know the outcome of the project. H: Incidentally, there was one of the other, I'll answer you but, I've thought, as l prepared for your coming. One of the things about intuition is you tend to judge it later by the results. The results have nothing to do with it, really. I've told people (I've been counselling for years, you know), to decide what you are going to do, to love who you are, and what that means which direction you go and then, if it looks good afterwards, so much gravy, and if it looks bad, that doesn't mean you were wrong. Don't judge it by the results. So, well, what happened, perhaps was due to my inability to be as business-like as I'd have like to have been, we ran into troubles over money and connection. One of our biggest sources of money was American and just at the time there were changes in values of money there and here and so forth, and a person who was...Do you know the Fairmont Building?.. I: Yes, the medical building... 184 H: That was this far from being our building to help finance...that and some other thing. There were two things about it that made that particular aspect of the project fail. Fail, I don't know whether it failed or not, parts of it ....succeeded. Anyway, it was the money thing and secondly, that the thing that made our biggest backer hold back was that there wasn't a total occupancy of the building, and just a few years later, they had to build another one across the street to handle the overflow. You know, so that sort of thing, then the place where the Bentall Towers are, 1 still have the blueprint of the building that we were going to put up there. But, again, the same combination of things, the .. however, I should tell you just so you won't get the idea that it was a wonderful time and nothing came out of it, the first stage that 1 mentioned worked beautifully. This church of 100 people had 9 people on its staff in a few months after this, we averaged for two years 93 meetings a month in that church and they were all sorts of - we did a program with narcotic addicts that was, I guess, was probably the best on the continent as a lot of people have said. And just a variety of things which showed that ...Well, I just would never would have done it at all as a minister of a little church without this experience. I: So it provided you with some motivation, some movement, energy... H: Some encouragement to do some crazy things you see that wouldn't work, and did work. Who am I, this little minister of a little church, but ...You know P.H.(name of a local minister), of course. The other day I was chatting with him, he said, "H., you had a very low profile in recent years", I remember, how did he put it now? He said, "I was in awe of your experiment with the foundation", and so forth, so here's a fellow of integrity and poise and unexcitable. I: I have one more question. How was this intuitive experience different from other intuitions or sudden impulses? H-. I think there were two differences...first of all, the size of the thing, and secondly, why I included it, the confirmation from D. You see, I could have left out the D. story altogether, and this still would have been a good story about intuition, but those were two of the big differences from other experiences I had and will have. I: Since you brought up D. again, I'm wanting to ask the nature of the relationship the two of you had during the time of the intuition...the fact that the two of you were in sync or whatever... H: Well, for four and a half years I was in Seattle. And the first year or so I don't think I even met him. He was the kind who avoided the church and waited impatiently for his wife to get home, but she was so churchy, she invited me over for dinner sometime to "meet my husband". He was a funny little bird, he was quiet, quiet, so much so that I was embarrassed trying to keep the conversation going. But then if I stumbled onto something that opened him up, way he went and I was tremendously impressed by his knowledge and his insight. Incidentally, he was the kind, in a sense he was like I am in that he wasn't business-like, he invented 3 or 4 things from which he got no money at all. That was a nuisance to bother with the money part. For example, the walkie-talkie thing, D. worked out a working model of that and used it and the army picked it up and used it in the war. He never got anything for it. A lot of the new moves in recording music and everything came right smack out of that little guy's head, so I was impressed by him and in some ways in awe of him, and yet I felt I had a contribution to make to him because in the field of spiritual insight and poise I felt like I was ahead of him on that. And we just shared our strengths and our weaknesses with each other, not just the two of us, but in small groups. And he and I and 2-3 others started a thing that's still going that we call the Cell Group Movement in which 3-4 people would meet together until they knew they wanted to invite somebody else to come, and then when it got a little 185 unwieldy, like 6-7, it'd divide in half. It went all through Seattle and Oregon. I've had letters from people in eastern Canada about their experience which we didn't try to promote at all. So we've had that kind of relationship and still do...we don't need to talk, we sit and feel comfortable with each other and he's crazy, laughs and jokes and swears and watches baseball. I'm going down there Sunday because I'm going to be away for a month. There's a deep awareness I think on his part and certainly on mine, that there is somebody special and great and possessed by love and insight and relationship, cosmic..What appealed to me about this experience in relation to D. was that both of us were amazed and astounded at it and yet neither of us was surprised by it either. We had had the same sort of thing on a smaller scale happening and knew that it could and would and so forth, so in that sense it didn't grow out of that experience, but the experience certainly confirmed it. And yet, both of us in another dimension were quite unsurprised, both of us "knew" in quotes, that we had been more than ourselves. And the result of putting it into that intuitive insight into action was a wonderful experience for D and me. He practically lived in Vancouver for a while, he'd come roaring up here to help me with things and I would go down there to confer with him, so on and so forth, so that continued. I: It brought you closer together? H: Yes. I: l don't have any other questions, if there is anything else you'd like to add, please do. H: I don't think so. I think that's it 186 Transcript #2 (Case H) I: H., perhaps we can begin by looking at the transcript and your sharing any general impressions. H: Well, overall, my impression was that I was pretty pleased with it. It came across pretty close to the kind of thing I wanted to say, I felt good about it. I felt in awe of the experience I had and I had reported fairly accurately, it seems to me. Can I refer to specific things? I: Yes, please do. H: Well, I was surprised to hear myself talk about "my people", because I don't know why I said that, you know, in connection with my being a minister. I felt a little embarrassed about that. They aren't "my" people anymore than so-and-so is "my" friend, or "my" wife, where we are each others. That isn't a big thing. A more important thing is when I say on the tape that wasn't an uncommon thing for me, this time the words "tumbled over one another that I could hardly write them down". Well, I don't want to leave the impression that it was a kind of automatic writing that I just couldn't handle. It wasn't that fast, it was a flowing on of insights that came to me one after another...fast in the sense that there was a large content of insight at that particular time. It wasn't like what we ordinarily speak of as automatic writing. Then...later where I speak of D. and my ideas coming about at the same time and my being so surprised, "I nearly drop dead"...I want to get the idea across that even though I was very surprised, I utterly was trusting about it. It never entered my mind that there was any way of his saying the same thing as I said, other than it being an insight for him and for me. And this too, I suppose, to keep my honesty, where I say I have a drawerful of my journals from 30 years, I actually haven't. I have had off and on, drawersful of them...l throw them out after awhile, so I can't produce these and show them to anybody. Most of them are gone. Going on, where I talk about writing in these little journals...! would rather have said: I'm open to feelings and ideas and when I become aware of them, I open my book. I have a feeling they're always there, so it isn't that when they are there, it's when I'm aware of them... I: When you listen... H: When the time is right for me. Near the bottom of page 5, you ask when I talk to D., if this is a confirmation of my experience, and I say: Oh, yes. But I want to add now that however, l had no need whatsoever for a confirmation from D. I knew] It really was fun having his confirmation, and awe-inspiring, but it wasn't necessary to have support on it. Now...let's see, page 10, where I say I think there were two differences, first of all the size of the thing. What I meant there is the breadth, the amount of specifics, the specific details especially about physical things, business details, that impressed me and was different from what I was used to. Further down, for accuracy's sake, where l talk about cell groups. I don't know if that's still going on. It's still going on around where I live, but whether it's spread all over the world, I don't know....I think that's it for changes...Actually, I was quite moved by reading it...I was ready to say: Who, me? I: Reading one's own words after a space of time often provides the distance to help you respond in another way. Let's go onto the themes, if you're ready now. Are there any specific themes you want to expand on or make some comments about? 187 H: Most of them fit, I can talk about the ones that don't. Now, there wasn't a "sense of bewilderment". I can understand that sense of bewilderment accompanying an experience like this for somebody who has never had this sort of experience before. But it wasn't bewilderment to me, it was awe-inspiring, but it wasn't bewildering. And "magnification of one's feelings", as I look back, I don't remember any of that... I: I wonder about your feelings of great awe and wonder...were they magnified in any way? H: Oh, well, I suppose it was...yes, I wouldn't have thought of that because of the fact that I'm so used to being awed. But you're right there... The next one, "sense of incongruity between reason and felt experience". There, again, I think I got used to the significance again to me of this sort of experience. I had long since pretty well passed any sense of incongruity. I: Remember now that we are talking about the actual incident itself, not about how you view it from now. H: When you talk about the time itself, incongruity is too strong a word. I was impressed by the emphasis on the business aspects, and the physical detail, that made a great impression on me. I don't think even at that time there was a sense of incongruity...! wasn't puzzled or worried about it not standing with reason. No, it just doesn't apply. I: Fine. H: "Sense of otherness". Now I'm not sure quite what that means. I read this to mean a sense of something from other than my life coming to me. And it wasn't that sense at all, it was a part of me, like another level or depth, but I don't think of this as "other", you see. I: How else might you state it? H: Well, a sense of increased profundity of my own experience, perhaps...when you were describing it earlier before we went on tape, you said some other level of consciousness...that might cover it. Now, "recognition of having gained deeper insight and understanding of self", the deeper insight, yes. I: Can you tell me more about the deeper insight? H: Well, that's still goes on and the thing I'm referring to there was that when I do provide an opportunity to be silent and alone for meditation or depth experience, then the level of insight increases for me. It seems less surface, I seem to go down into where life is even more important. I: Without the distraction, you're more able to move more inward and deeper? H: Yes, and it isn't a strange experience, it seems to be an increased experience of naturalness. It's where the real thing is...Theme 22, "recognition of a new position of self". This was not a new experience that made me look at myself all new again because of the experience, it was one that I had time and time again in different degrees, of course, and depth. But I saw that there was work for me to do and I'd better get at it. The next one, "change in relationship with others", doesn't apply specifically from this incident. The whole experience of intuitive receptivity has contributed to a change in relationship with others, but this particular story didn't contribute to that specifically. !: How did this affect D. and you? 188 H: Well, D. wasn't the slightest bit surprised that we both came up with similar details, he was less awed by that coincidence than I was, but I think it added to our trust of each other which was already great, but I think it was almost like a proof that we didn't need, that we were going on the right track in our relationship. But this could apply in a general way, the deepening of trust in our friendship. The next one, "sense of readjustment after the experience", not readjustment of my thinking about myself or about the meaning of life, readjustment only in the sense that I had some things I was supposed to be doing now because of that insight and I got at them. Way back then, I used the word "obedience" a lot, which I don't like now. But rather than "readjustment", or "adjustment", I would say "obedience", get on with this thing I've been told to do, and it was that specific. Now I would change that a bit, and without losing any of the meaning or my sense of awe and connection with it, it's acceptance of who I am in light of this intuition. I: Any other general comments about the themes, H.? H: I just think it's amazing that so many of these themes do apply to me. There's more of a commonality that we would guess ahead of time. And even those that don't apply to me, it's just that they don't apply to this specific experience that we've been talking about. Most of them would apply in another sense, but not in this sense. I: Is there anything of real importance that still needs to be added? H: No, I don't think so. I: Since there are no further comments, thank you very much. H: It's been a joy to work with you on it. 189 Transcript #1 (Case Y) I: Y., I'd like you to begin by telling of your experience as a story with a beginning, middle and end. I may interrupt from time to time just to clarify. Y: I think my story starts with having a feeling that I know things that on a rational level I don't know, both personally and in my work, having had a number of experiences where I've known something and there was no reason for knowing, but I just knew it...And, it usually connected with people, something about a person that was really important. And in my work, information coming to me which the client wasn't providing which was at a much deeper level. The beginning of the incident is having that awareness, and the other part of the beginning of the story would be having a physical sensation that would go with that in my body, where I would start to experience a lot of energy coming in through the base of my neck, coming down my shoulders and down my arms into my hands, and that would sort of be the onset of having some information come in that came from "nowhere". And...so, it felt like I should be doing something with this, both body sensation and the information in my work, but I couldn't figure out what to do with it. And I met a person who, I know a person, a colleague and as a therapist for awhile, and so one day, I cornered him and I said: Okay, you have some information that l need to know about what to do with these intuitive experiences and the physical sensations that I'm getting... I: You knew that they were intuitive experiences? Y: Well, I knew that it was information that was coming from somewhere else, that's about all I can say...And I have some personal beliefs about that, but I don't think they are important to the study...but it just felt like information was coming in...and I think I had, and I was trying to decide how much weight to give to this in my work, like how much to listen to it, is this real, okay...As time went on, with the physical sensations, it was starting to feel very real, like I'm not just imagining these things in my head, it's actually a physical experience...Anyway, this man I'm talking about, he's a therapist and I know that he has similar experiences...he's talked a little bit about it in his work, I see him using a lot of intuition, lot of information that he picks up from somewhere else, so...I had asked him about it a number of times would he do some training with me, would he talk to me about it and tell me how he was doing this, and he sort of had hedged and said: Well, I don't think so, but maybe sometime when I'm ready. So I got so urgent about it because I had just over the past...this isn't that long ago, only a few months ago, and had so many experiences that I couldn't explain, I couldn't stand it any longer, so I said: Look, you're going to tell me something about this, what is going on? Where is this stuff coming from? And he said: Okay, well I realize that I don't know what it is you want from me, I know you've been asking me about this, but what do you want from me? So, I said: I want you to help me find a way to use this in my work...So he thought about it for awhile and said: I can't talk about it. And I said: I know you can't talk, I can't even talk about it e