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Out and working : an analysis of the career narratives of three gay men Sugden, Tanis Marilyn Anne 1991

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OUT AND WORKING: AN ANALYSIS OF THE CAREER NARRATIVES OF THREE GAY MEN By T a n i s M a r i l y n Anne Sugden B.Ed., The U n i v e r s i t y o f B r i t i s h Columbia, 1989 A THESIS SUBMITTED IN PARTIAL FULFILLMENT OF THE REQUIREMENTS FOR THE DEGREE OF MASTERS OF ARTS i n THE FACULTY OF GRADUATE STUDIES F a c u l t y o f E d u c a t i o n Department of C o u n s e l l i n g Psychology We accept t h i s t h e s i s as conforming t o the r e q u i r e d s t a n d a r d UNIVERSITY OF BRITISH COLUMBIA November 1991 °Tanis M a r i l y n Anne Sugden In presenting this thesis in partial fulfilment of the requirements for an advanced degree at the University of British Columbia, I agree that the Library shall make it freely available for reference and study. I further agree that permission for extensive copying of this thesis for scholarly purposes may be granted by the head of my department or by his or her representatives. It is understood that copying or publication of this thesis for financial gain shall not be allowed without my written permission. Department of m , ) ^ ^ ^ s~*v ^ - r . ^ The University of British Columbia Vancouver, Canada DE-6 (2/88) A b s t r a c t From t h e i n t e r v i e w s c o nducted w i t h t h e t h r e e s t u d y p a r t i c i p a n t s , t h e i n t e r v i e w e r d e r i v e d d e s c r i p t i v e n a r r a t i v e s w h i c h were s u b s e q u e n t l y v a l i d a t e d by t h e s t u d y p a r t i c i p a n t s . The p a r t i c i p a n t s were s e l f - i d e n t i f i e d gay men and p r o v i d e d e x t e n s i v e n a r r a t i v e a c c o u n t s o f t h e i r c a r e e r s i n r e s p o n s e t o u n s t r u c t u r e d i n t e r v i e w q u e s t i o n s . The n a r r a t i v e s were c o a l e s c e d i n t o a u n i f i e d s t o r y w h i c h r e p r e s e n t s t h e c r i t i c a l e l e ments o f t h e n a r r a t i v e s . These elements r e p r e s e n t t h e p r o c e s s o f c a r e e r development t h a t s t u d y p a r t i c i p a n t s e x p e r i e n c e d . P a r t i c i p a n t s i n d i c a t e d t h e i m p o r t a n c e o f s o c i a l i z a t i o n f a c t o r s , r o l e models, p e r s o n a l a c c e p t a n c e and o p p o r t u n i t i e s f o r d e m o n s t r a t i n g competence as major c o n s i d e r a t i o n s i n t h e i r c a r e e r c h o i c e s . L i f e themes were i n t r o d u c e d a t t h e b e g i n n i n g o f t h e s t o r y and were r e p r e s e n t e d i n t h e s t o r i e d m a t e r i a l s as w e l l as t h e s t o r y s t r u c t u r e . i i TABLE OF CONTENTS A b s t r a c t . . . i i Acknowledgements v C h a p t e r I Background t o t h e problem . 1 Problem s t a t e m e n t . 2 D e f i n i t i o n o f t h e terms 2 R e s e a r c h q u e s t i o n 3 C h a p t e r I I Review o f t h e l i t e r a t u r e 4 C h a p t e r I I I Methodology 14 C h a p t e r IV Doug's s t o r y 19 C h a p t e r V Samuel's s t o r y 31 C h a p t e r V I Raymond's s t o r y 42 C h a p t e r V I I G e n e r a l s t o r y . 57 The B e g i n n i n g 59 The M i d d l e 68 The End 76 The E p i l o g u e 79 i i i C h a p t e r V I I I F i n d i n g s 81 T h e o r e t i c a l i m p l i c a t i o n s 83 P r a c t i c a l i m p l i c a t i o n s 84 I m p l i c a t i o n s f o r f u t u r e r e s e a r c h 85 Summary 86 B i b l i o g r a p h y 88 i v Acknowledgements My s i n c e r e t h a n k s t o L a r r y Cochrane w i t h o u t whose p a t i e n c e and s u p p o r t t h i s r e s e a r c h would n o t have been c o m p l e t e d . A d d i t i o n a l g r a t i t u d e t o R i c h a r d C a v e l l f o r h i s knowledge and a s s i s t a n c e . I would a l s o l i k e t o t h a n k I a n F a i r c l o u g h , t h e s t u d y p a r t i c i p a n t s and C h a r l e s Stone f o r t h e i r o n g o i n g s u p p o r t o f t h i s p r o j e c t . v OUT AND WORKING: AN ANALYSIS OF THE CAREER NARRATIVES OF THREE GAY MEN CHAPTER I Background t o t h e Problem As r e s e a r c h has p r o g r e s s e d t h r o u g h a v a r i e t y o f p e r s p e c t i v e s on h o m o s e x u a l i t y (Bayer & S p i t z e r , 1982; B o s w e l l , 1980; Weinberg, 1972), i t has r e v e a l e d t h a t t h o s e i d e n t i f y i n g t h e m s e l v e s as homosexuals conduct t h e i r l i v e s i n a v a r i e t y o f ways, i n a m u l t i t u d e o f c o n t e x t s and w i t h u n i q u e meaning s t r u c t u r e s ( B e l l & Weinberg, 1978; Weinberg, 1972; W i l l i a m s & Weinberg, 1974). A major a s p e c t o f t h e s e p e r s o n s l i v e s i s how t h e y c o n d u c t t h e i r c a r e e r , t h e sequence o f o c c u p a t i o n s and l i f e r o l e s , and t h e i n t e r a c t i o n w i t h t h e s o c i a l e nvironment o f work. Recent r e s e a r c h has e x p l o r e d t h e c o n t r i b u t i o n s o c i e t y ' s a t t i t u d e s make t o t h e development o f a homosexual i d e n t i t y ( Cass, 1979; Coleman, 1982; McDonald, 1982; M i n t o n & McDonald, 1984; S o p h i e , 1986; T r o i d e n & Goode, 1980) b u t has n o t c o n s i d e r e d i t s e f f e c t on t h e r o l e s t h e i n d i v i d u a l may t a k e n or on t h e d e c i s i o n making p r o c e s s i n e s t a b l i s h i n g t h e s e r o l e s . B l a i r (1972) n o t e s t h a t c a r e e r c o u n s e l l i n g has f o s t e r e d t h e p e r s p e c t i v e o f f r e e and i n f o r m e d c h o i c e w i t h i n a knowledge o f t h e work w o r l d . Y e t , w i t h o u t t h e r e c o g n i t i o n o f t h e s p e c i a l f a c t o r s f a c i n g t h e gay p e r s o n , c a r e e r c o u n s e l l i n g w i t h a homosexual c l i e n t may n o t o c c u r w i t h a f u l l knowledge o f t h e 1 work w o r l d o r even c o m p l e t e l y f r e e c h o i c e g i v e n t h e p a r t i c u l a r i s s u e s o f s o c i e t a l reponse t o a homosexual i d e n t i t y . T h i s s t u d y e x p l o r e s t h e e x p e r i e n c e o f c a r e e r development f o r gay men i n o r d e r t o i d e n t i f y t h e p e r t i n e n t i s s u e s f o r c a r e e r c o u n s e l l i n g . Problem Statement : The purpose o f t h i s i n v e s t i g a t i o n i s t o e x p l o r e t h e e x p e r i e n c e o f a homosexual i d e n t i t y i n t h e c a r e e r development o f gay men. The s t u d y a l s o e x p l o r e s t h e u n i q u e c o n t e x t s o f each i n d i v i d u a l and t h e meaning s t r u c t u r e s t h e i n d i v i d u a l has e s t a b l i s h e d f o r t h o s e d e c i s i o n s w i t h i n t h e c o n t e x t s . D e f i n i t i o n o f Terms: 1. C a r e e r : The c o u r s e o f e v e n t s w h i c h c o n s t i t u t e a l i f e ; t h e sequence o f o c c u p a t i o n s and o t h e r l i f e r o l e s w h i c h combine t o e x p r e s s one's commitment t o work i n h i s o r h e r t o t a l p a t t e r n o f s e l f - d e v e l o p m e n t ; t h e s e r i e s o f remunerated and non-remunerated p o s i t i o n s o c c u p i e d by a p e r s o n from a d o l e s c e n c e t h r o u g h r e t i r e m e n t ; t h e w o r k - r e l a t e d r o l e s such as t h o s e o f s t u d e n t , employee and p e n s i o n e r t o g e t h e r w i t h complementary a v o c a t i o n a l , f a m i l i a l , and c i v i c r o l e s (Super, 1976, p . 4 . ) . 2. C a r e e r Development: The l i f e l o n g b e h a v i o u r a l p r o c e s s e s and t h e i n f l u e n c e s on them t h a t l e a d t o one's work v a l u e s , c h o i c e o f o c c u p a t i o n ( s ) , c r e a t i o n o f a c a r e e r p a t t e r n , d e c i s i o n making s t y l e , r o l e i n t e g r a t i o n , s e l f and c a r e e r i d e n t i t y , e d u c a t i o n a l l i t e r a c y and r e l a t e d phenomena ( H e r r & Cramer, 1984, 2 p . 1 7 . ) . 3. Gay: An i n d i v i d u a l whose s e l f - i d e n t i f i c a t i o n o r i d e n t i t y r e g a r d i n g s e x u a l o r i e n t a t i o n i s towards p e r s o n s o f t h e same sex. 4. Homosexual: One who has a s e x u a l p r o p e n s i t y f o r p e r s o n s o f t h e same sex who may o r may n o t i d e n t i f y t h e m s e l v e s as such ( B o s w e l l , 1980). R e s e a r c h Q u e s t i o n T h i s i n v e s t i g a t i o n was conducted w i t h i n t h e n a t u r a l i s t i c p aradigm and as such was conducted w i t h a q u e s t i o n under c o n s i d e r a t i o n r a t h e r t h a n w i t h a s p e c i f i c h y p o t h e s i s b e i n g t e s t e d . I t i s u n d e r s t o o d by t h i s approach t h a t an u n d e r s t a n d i n g o f human b e h a v i o u r can o n l y be d i s c o v e r e d when one u n d e r s t a n d s t h e framework w i t h i n w h i c h t h e i n d i v i d u a l under s t u d y i n t e r p r e t s h i s o r h e r environment, and t h a t t h i s can o n l y be u n d e r s t o o d when one u n d e r s t a n d s t h e i n d i v i d u a l ' s t h o u g h t s , f e e l i n g s , p e r c e p t i o n s , and a c t i o n s (Owens, 1982). Study p a r t i c i p a n t s were asked t o d e s c r i b e t h e i r c a r e e r r e c o l l e c t i o n s , e x p e r i e n c e s and awarenesses i n l i g h t o f t h e i r e x p e r i e n c e o f t h e i r h o m o s e x u a l i t y . The i n t e r v i e w e r a d d r e s s e d an i n i t i a l u n s t r u c t u r e d s t a t e m e n t t o each s t u d y p a r t i c i p a n t r e g a r d i n g h i s p e r s o n a l c a r e e r p a t h . T h i s s t a t e m e n t s e r v e d t o i n i t i a t e t h e d i s c o u r s e and e l i c i t t h e n a r r a t i v e m a t e r i a l . 3 CHAPTER I I Review o f t h e L i t e r a t u r e H o m o s e x u a l i t y has been c o n s i d e r e d from a v a r i e t y o f p e r s p e c t i v e s : r e l i g i o u s , c r i m i n a l , p s y c h o p a t h o l o g i c a l and s o c i a l p s y c h o l o g i c a l . An o v e r v i e w o f t h e s e p o s i t i o n s p r o v i d e s an h i s t o r i c a l and c u l t u r a l c o n t e x t f o r b o t h s o c i e t y ' s u n d e r s t a n d i n g and t r e a t m e n t o f h o m o s e x u a l i t y and f o r t h e r e s e a r c h q u e s t i o n o f t h i s t h e s i s . The development and p r o g r e s s i o n o f t h e s e p e r s p e c t i v e s i l l u s t r a t e s t h e imp o r t a n c e and t h e r e a s o n i n g f o r t h e s t u d y o f t h e c a r e e r development o f gay men. From t h e advent o f t h e J u d e o - C h r i s t i a n t r a d i t i o n , t h e Western World has, f o r t h e most p a r t , e s t a b l i s h e d and m a i n t a i n e d a n e g a t i v e a t t i t u d e toward homosexual p r a c t i c e s . A l t h o u g h t h e r e have been f l u c t u a t i o n s i n t h e a c t i v e d i s c r i m i n a t i o n o f homosexuals, t h e e s t a b l i s h m e n t o f p r e j u d i c e can be t r a c e d t o t h e p e r i o d o f t h e d e c l i n e and f a l l o f t h e Roman Empire and t h e growth o f t h e C h r i s t i a n Church ( B o s w e l l , 1980). A t t h i s t i m e , a v e r i f i a b l e s h i f t i n p e r c e p t i o n s and a t t i t u d e s t o w a r d homosexual p r a c t i c e s t o o k p l a c e , a l t e r i n g from p e r m i s s i v e n e s s t o h o s t i l i t y . W i t h t h e i n c r e a s i n g i n s t i t u t i o n a l i z a t i o n o f t h e c h u r c h t h e h o s t i l e a t t i t u d e became e n t r e n c h e d i n t h e t r a d i t i o n s o f t h e c h u r c h . H o m o s e x u a l i t y was c o n s i d e r e d a common law c r i m e a g a i n s t t h e c h u r c h and laws t o t h i s e f f e c t were e n a c t e d i n common law. I n t h e t w e l f t h c e n t u r y , d u r i n g a p e r i o d o f i n c r e a s e d i n t o l e r a n c e o f m i n o r i t y g r o u p s , t h e d i s c r i m i n a t i o n a g a i n s t homosexuals 4 became w i d e s p r e a d and was g i v e n r e l i g i o u s j u s t i f i c a t i o n . A c t s o f h o m o s e x u a l i t y were condemned and t h o s e i m p l i c a t e d were c a s t r a t e d o r p u t t o d e a t h . Modern r e v i s i o n s o f t h e Canon law o f t h e c h u r c h s t a t e have r e d u c e d t h e s t r i c t u r e s p l a c e d a g a i n s t t h o s e found " g u i l t y " o f a homosexual a c t . However, t h e modern j u s t i c e system s t i l l r e f l e c t s t h e c u r r e n t p r e j u d i c e a g a i n s t homosexuals h e l d by t h e s o c i e t y a t l a r g e ( L e v i t t & K l a s s e n , 1974). T h i s j u d i c i a l d i s c r i m i n a t i o n i s e v i d e n t i n t h r e e a r e a s . F i r s t , sodomy laws have n o t been r e p e a l e d a l t h o u g h few p e o p l e have been char g e d under them i n t h e l a s t two decades; sodomy laws a r e i n p l a c e i n 45 o f t h e U n i t e d S t a t e s o f A m e r i c a , i n t h e U n i t e d Kingdom and i n Canada (DeCecco, 1977). These laws have a l m o s t e x c l u s i v e l y been a p p l i e d t o homosexual a c t s a l t h o u g h sodomy can be a h e t e r o s e x u a l a c t as w e l l . Second, t h e age o f c o n s e n t f o r s e x u a l a c t s i s h i g h e r f o r homosexual a c t s t h a n h e t e r o s e x u a l a c t s ( P a r l i a m e n t a r y Committee on E q u a l i t y R i g h t s [PCER], 1985). F i n a l l y , u n t i l v e r y r e c e n t l y , t h e r e a r e few c o n c l u s i v e p r e c e d e n t s u p h o l d i n g t h e c i v i l and c o n s t i t u t i o n a l r i g h t s o f homosexuals (Knutson, 1977). F e d e r a l governments a r e l a r g e p e r p e t r a t o r s o f t h i s d i s c r i m i n a t i o n , r e f u s i n g h o u s i n g , c i v i l employment, and m i l i t a r y e n r o l l m e n t i f an i n d i v i d u a l a d m i t s t o homosexual p r a c t i c e s (PCER, 1985). A f u r t h e r c o n s i d e r a t i o n o f h o m o s e x u a l i t y e x t e n d s from t h e m e d i c a l model w h i c h , a t t h e o n s e t o f t h e t w e n t i e t h c e n t u r y , d e v e l o p e d an a n a l y s i s o f t h e homosexual. There have been t h r e e 5 t r e n d s w h i c h have d e v e l o p e d from t h i s p e r s p e c t i v e . The f i r s t , t h e p s y c h o a n a l y t i c , c o n s i d e r e d h o m o s e x u a l i t y t o r e s u l t from a r r e s t e d p s y c h o s e x u a l development (Freud 1920, 1922; B e i b e r 1967, 1974, 1976) and a n a l y t i c t r e a t m e n t was pro p o s e d as a mode o f c u r a t i v e t r e a t m e n t . The second t r e n d was d e v e l o p e d on t h e b a s i s o f l e a r n i n g t h e o r y ( A c o s t s , 1975; G o l d & N e u f e l d , 1965) and c o n t r i b u t e d t o t h e f i e l d o f p s y c h o p a t h o l o g y . H o m o s e x u a l i t y was h y p o t h e s i z e d t o be t h e r e s u l t o f t h e l e a r n i n g p r o c e s s and t r e a t m e n t u s i n g r e c o n d i t i o n i n g was s u g g e s t e d ( B a n c r o f t , 1969; C a l l a h a n & L e i t e n b e r g , 1973; Feldman & M a c C u l l o g h , 1967; Freund, 1977; McConaghy, P r o c t o r , & B a r r , 1972). F i n a l l y , a b i o c h e m i c a l p r o p o s i t i o n was made t h a t h o m o s e x u a l i t y was t h e r e s u l t o f p h y s i c a l d i f f e r e n c e s i n t h e c o m p o s i t i o n o f t h e i n d i v i d u a l (Money, 1972) a l t h o u g h no immediate t r e a t m e n t c o u l d be p r e s c r i b e d . The o v e r a l l consensus was t h a t h o m o s e x u a l i t y was a d i s e a s e and i t s i n c l u s i o n i n t h e nomencl a t u r e o f t h e American P s y c h i a t r i c A s s o c i a t i o n was sought. The f i n a l p e r s p e c t i v e w h i c h c o n t r i b u t e s t o t h e c u r r e n t approach t o h o m o s e x u a l i t y i s d e r i v e d from s o c i a l p s y c h o l o g i c a l i n v e s t i g a t i o n s o f c u l t u r a l m i n o r i t y groups. I n a s t u d y o f s e x u a l p r a c t i c e s , K i n s e y , Pomeroy, and M a r t i n (1948) n o t e d t h e range o f human s e x u a l p r a c t i c e s and s u g g e s t e d t h a t t h e y were b e s t r e p r e s e n t e d as a continuum on a 7 - p o i n t s c a l e r a n g i n g from e x c l u s i v e l y homosexual t o e x c l u s i v e l y h e t e r o s e x u a l . I n a b r o a d e r p e r s p e c t i v e , Gordon A l l p o r t (1954) p r o v i d e d an a n a l y s i s o f p r e j u d i c e w h i c h f a c i l i t a t e s an u n d e r s t a n d i n g o f t h e dynamics 6 o f t h e a c q u i s i t i o n and f u n c t i o n o f p r e j u d i c e i n s o c i e t y . An a d d i t i o n a l c o n t r i b u t i o n t o t h e s t u d y o f h o m o s e x u a l i t y was made by Goffman (1963) i n h i s a n a l y s i s o f t h e e f f e c t s o f s t i g m a t i z a t i o n o f an i n d i v i d u a l and c u l t u r a l subgroups. These works and t h e a d d i t i o n a l works o f s o c i a l p s y c h o l o g i s t s i n t h e f i e l d o f d i s c r i m i n a t i o n ( E r l i c h , 1975; T a j f e l & T u r n e r , 1979) p r o v i d e t h e b a s i s f o r a s h i f t i n r e s e a r c h p e r s p e c t i v e s i n t h e s t u d y o f h o m o s e x u a l i t y . A d d i t i o n a l l y , homophile c i v i l r i g h t s o r g a n i z a t i o n s began t o o b j e c t t o t h e d i s c r i m i n a t o r y p r a c t i c e s o f p s y c h o l o g y ( D a v i d s o n , 1976; Weinberg, 1972) and c i v i l and j u d i c i a l p r a c t i c e s (Knutson, 1977). F u r t h e r s t u d i e s a l s o i n d i c a t e d t h a t w h i l e h o m o s e x u a l i t y was c o n s i d e r e d a p a t h o l o g y , l i t t l e e v i d e n c e c o u l d be found t o s u b s t a n t i a t e t h e c l a i m t h a t homosexuals had p o o r p s y c h o l o g i c a l a d j u s t m e n t s (Hooker, 1951; Ross, 1978). C o n s e q u e n t l y , t h e American P s y c h i a t r i c A s s o c i a t i o n has removed any r e f e r e n c e t o h o m o s e x u a l i t y i n i t s o f f i c i a l n o m e n c l a t u r e (Bayer & S p i t z e r , 1982; Dececco, 1985). W h i l e i t i s t o o e a r l y t o c o n s i d e r t h e p r e v i o u s v i e w s o f h o m o s e x u a l i t y as s i n f u l , c r i m i n a l o r s i c k as f u l l y d i s m i s s e d , some s h i f t s t o l e s s h e t e r o s e x u a l l y b i a s e d r e s e a r c h i s o c c u r r i n g ( M o r i n g & C h a r l e s , 1983). A s e r i e s o f r e s e a r c h s t u d i e s u s i n g a s u r v e y o f a l a r g e number o f homosexuals ( B e l l & Weinberg, 1978; B e l l , Weinberg, & Hammersmith, 1982; S a g h i r & R o b i n s , 1973; Weinberg.& W i l l i a m s , 1974; W i l l i a m s & Weinberg, 1971) have e s t a b l i s h e d t h e d i v e r s e n a t u r e o f a homosexual i d e n t i t y . These s t u d i e s have a l s o n o t e d t h a t t h e e x p e r i e n c e o f t h e homosexual 7 i d e n t i t y i s found i n a l l f a c e t s o f t h e i n d i v i d u a l ' s l i f e t o v a r y i n g d e g r e e s . Though t h e s e s t u d i e s must be c o n s i d e r e d w i t h t h e i r l i m i t a t i o n s i n mind, w i t h p a r t i c u l a r emphasis on t h e i r b i a s e d s a m p l i n g ( H a r r y , 1986), t h e y do i n d i c a t e a need f o r r e s e a r c h w h i c h r e f l e c t s t h e d i v e r s i t y o f t h e homosexual e x p e r i e n c e . These s t u d i e s a t t e m p t e d t o c o m p i l e a comprehensive o v e r v i e w o f elements o f homosexual l i f e s t y l e s . T h e i r f i n d i n g s i n t h e a r e a o f c a r e e r were r e s t r i c t e d due t o t h e l i m i t e d number o f q u e s t i o n s each s u r v e y asked b u t some i n d i c a t i o n was g i v e n t h a t t h i s a r e a would need f u r t h e r i n v e s t i g a t i o n . W i l l i a m s and Weinberg (1971) s u r v e y e d 63 men from homophile o r g a n i z a t i o n s i n two urban c e n t e r s . Of t h e i r r e s p o n d e n t s , 16% r e p o r t e d b e i n g r e f u s e d o r l o s i n g j o b s because o f t h e i r s e x u a l o r i e n t a t i o n and 58% o f t h o s e w i t h a d i s h o n o u r a b l e d i s c h a r g e from m i l i t a r y s e r v i c e e x p e r i e n c e d j o b d i s c r i m i n a t i o n . Those who d i d n o t e n c o u n t e r such d i s c r i m i n a t i o n were employed i n s t e r e o t y p i c a l o r low s t a t u s j o b s . Q u e s t i o n s i n t h i s s t u d y were l i m i t e d i n number and asked o n l y about d i s c r i m i n a t i o n . No q u e s t i o n s were posed as t o how j o b d i s c r i m i n a t i o n was p e r c e i v e d , what measures were t a k e n by i n d i v i d u a l s t o a v o i d d i s c r i m i n a t i o n o r what p o s i t i v e e f f e c t s h o m o s e x u a l i t y may have had i n employment. I n a s i m i l a r s t u d y o f 89 men from t h e same urban a r e a s , S a g h i r and R o b i n s (1973) r e p o r t e d t h a t 16% l o s t t h e i r j o b s o r had t h e i r employment t h r e a t e n e d due t o t h e i r h o m o s e x u a l i t y ; 32% o f r e s p o n d e n t s f e l t t h a t t h e i r h o m o s e x u a l i t y r e s t r i c t e d b o t h t h e i r a m b i t i o n s , c a r e e r c h o i c e and p o s s i b l e advancement. A 8 c o r r e l a t i o n was found between h i g h s t a t u s employment and employment d i f f i c u l t i e s . No c o n s i d e r a t i o n was made f o r t h e p o s s i b i l i t y o f p e r c e i v e d d i s c r i m i n a t i o n and i t s e f f e c t s on employment d i f f i c u l t i e s and no f u r t h e r q u e s t i o n s e x p l o r e d what f a c t o r s o f t h e h o m o s e x u a l i t y r e s t r i c t e d c a r e e r a m b i t i o n , c h o i c e o r advancement. Both t h i s s t u d y and t h e W i l l i a m s and Weinberg s t u d y s u f f e r from t h e l i m i t e d number o f s u b j e c t s i n v o l v e d i n t h e s u r v e y s as w e l l as l i m i t e d s a m p l i n g s o u r c e s . I n a s t u d y o f 1057 men from t h e same two urban c e n t e r s , Weinberg and W i l l i a m s (1974) r e p o r t e d t h a t 30% o f t h e r e s p o n d e n t s s u f f e r e d problems on t h e j o b r e l a t e d t o t h e i r s e x u a l o r i e n t a t i o n and, a g a i n , 16% o f t h e i r sample r e p o r t e d h a v i n g t h e i r employment t e r m i n a t e d because o f t h e i r h o m o s e x u a l i t y . T h i s s t u d y a l s o i n c l u d e d some c o n s i d e r a t i o n o f s o c i a l c l a s s and i t s e f f e c t on h o m o s e x u a l i t y . The a u t h o r s c o n c l u d e d t h a t t h o s e i n h i g h e r s o c i a l c l a s s e s had fewer c o n t a c t s w i t h o t h e r homosexuals and t h a t " s o c i a l s t a t u s a p p a r e n t l y e f f e c t s t h e ways i n w h i c h t h e p e r s o n manages h i s h o m o s e x u a l i t y " (p. 274). The f i n d i n g s o f t h i s s t u d y seem t o i n d i c a t e more c l e a r l y t h e p o s s i b l e c o m p l e x i t y i n managing a homosexual i d e n t i t y and c a r e e r , a l t h o u g h t h e l i m i t e d d i m e n s i o n o f t h e q u e s t i o n s do n o t i d e n t i f y t h e n a t u r e o f t h i s c o m p l e x i t y . The f i n a l l a r g e s c a l e s u r v e y w h i c h was c o n d u c t e d w i t h t h e aim o f p r o v i d i n g a more comprehensive p i c t u r e o f t h e homosexual l i f e s t y l e was B e l l and Weinberg (1978). T h i s s t u d y examined 686 men from a s i n g l e urban a r e a from a b r o a d e r base o f s o u r c e s and 9 r e p o r t e d s i m i l a r f i n d i n g s . T w e n t y - f i v e p e r c e n t o f t h e homosexual males r e p o r t e d t h e i r h o m o s e x u a l i t y had a somewhat h a r m f u l o r h a r m f u l e f f e c t on t h e i r c a r e e r s . E l e v e n p e r c e n t o f t h e homosexual males r e p o r t e d t h a t t h e i r h o m o s e x u a l i t y had a somewhat p o s i t i v e o r p o s i t i v e e f f e c t on t h e i r c a r e e r s . Twenty p e r c e n t r e p o r t e d t h e y had l o s t o r had t h e i r j o b s t h r e a t e n e d because o f t h e i r h o m o s e x u a l i t y . Seventeen p e r c e n t r e p o r t e d l o s i n g p r o m o t i o n s due t o t h e i r s e x u a l o r i e n t a t i o n . T h i s s u p p o r t s t h e f i n d i n g s o f t h e o t h e r s t u d i e s c o n d u c t e d i n t h e same decade. D e s p i t e a l l o f t h e l i m i t a t i o n s o f each s t u d y , t h e i n t e r a c t i o n between s e x u a l o r i e n t a t i o n and j o b d i s c r i m i n a t i o n i s s t r o n g l y i n d i c a t e d . These f i n d i n g s a r e a l s o i n d i c a t i v e o f t h e need f o r f u r t h e r i n q u i r i e s i n t o t h i s domain w h i c h a r e more comprehensive i n n a t u r e . O t h e r more t h e o r e t i c a l a r t i c l e s , a l s o i n d i c a t e t h e need f o r f u r t h e r r e s e a r c h i n t h e a r e a o f c a r e e r . E s c o f f i e r (1975), i n an a r t i c l e c o n s i d e r i n g t h e c o n c e p t o f s t i g m a t i z a t i o n (Goffman, 1963) and a p p l y i n g i t t o t h e c a r e e r s o f homosexual men, p r oposed t h e dynamics o f i t s i n t e r a c t i o n . He s u g g e s t s t h a t r e s e a r c h must c o n s i d e r n o t o n l y t h e d i r e c t p o s i t i v e and n e g a t i v e consequences f o r t h e j o b b u t a l s o economic consequences as w e l l . He a l s o c o n c l u d e s t h a t s t u d i e s s h o u l d e v a l u a t e t h e e f f e c t o f t h e homosexual's p e r c e p t i o n o f t h e a n t i c i p a t e d d i s c r i m i n a t i o n , t h e p s y c h o l o g i c a l consequences o f t h e s e p e r c e p t i o n s , and t h e o v e r a l l i mpact on t h e work environment. L e v i n e (1979) i n d i c a t e s a need f o r r e s e a r c h c o n s i d e r i n g t h e p s y c h o l o g i c a l consequences o f c o n t i n u e d i d e n t i t y management on t h e j o b and he c a l l s f o r a f u r t h e r c o n s i d e r a t i o n o f t h e i m p l i c a t i o n s o f t h e n a t u r e o f t h e j o b and t h e l e n g t h o f employment on t h e i n d i v i d u a l . S e v e r a l i n i t i a l s t u d i e s s i n c e t h i s c a l l f o r r e s e a r c h have been c o n d u c t e d t o f u r t h e r examine t h e p e r t i n e n t i s s u e s o f employment and d i s c r i m i n a t i o n . Adam (1981) s e n t resumes a p p l y i n g f o r l e g a l a r t i c l i n g p o s i t i o n s t o p r o s p e c t i v e employers. Those resumes w h i c h had a r e f e r e n c e t o Gay a f f i l i a t i o n had fewer r e p l i e s t h a n t h o s e resumes w h i c h d i d n o t i n d i c a t e any p o s s i b l e s e x u a l o r i e n t a t i o n . Adam c o n c l u d e s t h a t t h e p e r c e p t i o n o f d i s c r i m i n a t i o n i s one based i n r e a l i t y . The j o b a p p l i c a n t may no t r e c e i v e an o u t r i g h t n e g a t i v e r e j e c t i o n ; however, no re s p o n s e can a l s o be vi e w e d as a form o f r e j e c t i o n i n i t s e l f . I n a s t u d y o f employment d i s c r i m i n a t i o n w i t h a sample o f homosexual women, L e v i n e and Leonard (1984) found t h a t 60% o f t h e i r sample a n t i c i p a t e d d i s c r i m i n a t i o n i f t h e i r s e x u a l o r i e n t a t i o n were known. The e f f e c t s o f " p a s s i n g " as a h e t e r o s e x u a l as a c o p i n g s t r a t e g y were a n x i e t y , a l i e n a t i o n and s o c i a l i s o l a t i o n . Some women a p p l i e d o t h e r s t r a t e g i e s as w e l l by becoming s e l f employed o r moving t o a j o b where t h e i r s e x u a l o r i e n t a t i o n was a c c e p t e d . I n a n o t h e r s t u d y o f l e s b i a n s a t work, S c h n e i d e r (1987) found t h a t n o t o n l y d i d c e r t a i n e n v i r o n m e n t s make d i s c l o s u r e e a s i e r , such as s m a l l s e t t i n g s o r t h e human s e r v i c e s f i e l d . S c h n e i d e r a l s o c o n c l u d e d t h a t r i s k t a k i n g , making a d i s c l o s u r e , was reduced by h i g h e r l e v e l o f pay and p r e v i o u s e x p e r i e n c e s o f d i s c r i m i n a t i o n . No s i m i l a r s t u d i e s have 11 been c o n d u c t e d w i t h men. A h a z a r d o f t h e c u r r e n t r e s e a r c h e x a m i n i n g t h e r o l e o f a homosexual i d e n t i t y i n c a r e e r development i s t h e c o n s t r u c t o f m i n o r i t y s t a t u s . W h i l e t h e r e i s an i n c r e a s i n g number o f s t u d i e s b e i n g c o n d u c t e d w i t h l e s b i a n s , l i t t l e has been examined t o d a t e about male homosexuals. R e s e a r c h l i t e r a t u r e has a l r e a d y i n d i c a t e d t h a t t h e woman i n t h e w o r k p l a c e has m i n o r i t y s t a t u s , and l e s b i a n s f a l l under t h a t r u b r i c ( L e v i n e & L e o n a r d , 1984); no s i m i l a r a d m i s s i o n has been a g r e e d on f o r male homosexuals. A l t h o u g h males a r e t h e m a j o r i t y i n t h e o c c u p a t i o n a l r e a l m , male homosexuals a r e a d i s c r e d i t a b l e , i n v i s i b l e m i n o r i t y amongst them (Goffman, 1963). As a consequence, t h e y may f a c e g r e a t e r consequences s h o u l d t h e i r h o m o s e x u a l i t y be d i s c l o s e d a t work. A n t i c i p a t i o n o f t h i s " f a l l from g r a c e " may a l s o have an e f f e c t on t h e c a r e e r d e c i s i o n s o f t h e homosexual male. The a n t i c i p a t i o n o f d i s c r i m i n a t i o n , t h e n e c e s s i t y t o " pass" as h e t e r o s e x u a l and t h e d i f f i c u l t y i n advancement have been i l l u s t r a t e d as a c o n c e r n f o r homosexuals ( M o r i n , 1977). R e s e a r c h c o n d u c t e d by E t r i n g e r , H e t h e r i n g t o n and H i l l e r b r a n d (1990) i n v e s t i g a t e d t h e d i f f e r i n g l e v e l s o f a n x i e t y i n r e l a t i o n t o c a r e e r d e c i s i o n making i n s t u d e n t s and found t h a t gay men i n t h e i r sample had h i g h e r l e v e l s o f c a r e e r u n c e r t a i n t y t h a n h e t e r o s e x u a l males and l e s b i a n s . They i n d i c a t e t h a t w h i l e t h e r e a r e l i m i t a t i o n s t o t h e i r s t u d y , i t does s u g g e s t some d i f f e r e n c e s i n t h e c a r e e r d e c i s i o n making p r o c e s s w h i c h w a r r e n t s f u r t h e r e x p l o r a t i o n . Coleman and Remafedi (1989) s t a t e t h a t gay and 12 l e s b i a n a d o l e s c e n t s e x p r e s s a m b i v a l e n c e towards o r abandonment o f t h e i r e d u c a t i o n a l and c a r e e r g o a l s . These i s s u e s have n o t been s u i t a b l y examined by contemporary c a r e e r c o u n s e l l i n g r e s e a r c h . Buhrke (1989) d e s c r i b e s t h e i n h e r e n t b i a s o f c a r e e r c o u n s e l l i n g as i t f a i l s t o a d d r e s s t h e r e s t r i c t i o n o f j o b p o s s i b i l i t i e s , m i l i t a r y and c i v i l , f o r t h e homosexual and t h e t a c i t r e q u i r e m e n t o f " p a s s i n g " i n most o c c u p a t i o n s . I n an e a r l y v o c a t i o n a l monograph, B l a i r (1972) s t a t e s , " t h e r e a r e problems w h i c h a r i s e as a r e s u l t o f t h e o t h e r d e c i s i o n s and s o c i e t y ' s p r e j u d i c e s and t h e s e have been v i r t u a l l y unknown o r i g n o r e d i n v o c a t i o n a l g u i d a n c e o f f i c e s " (p. 2 ) . I t i s i n r e s p o n s e t o t h e p a u c i t y o f r e s e a r c h and t o t h e s e c a l l s f o r i n v e s t i g a t i o n , t h a t t h e c u r r e n t s t u d y i s b e i n g conducted. 13 CHAPTER I I I Methodology G i v e n t h e numerous q u e s t i o n s a r i s i n g from t h e p a u c i t y o f r e s e a r c h c o n d u c t e d i n t h i s a r e a , t h i s t h e s i s i s e x p l o r a t o r y i n n a t u r e . Much o f t h e r e s e a r c h c o n d u c t e d t o d a t e has been c a r r i e d o ut w i t h i n t h e p o s i t i v i s t framework w i t h p a r t i c u l a r b i a s e s g u i d i n g t h e approach and, f r e q u e n t l y , t h e f i n d i n g s as w e l l . I n o r d e r t o f a c i l i t a t e an u n d e r s t a n d i n g o f t h e c o m p l e x i t y and d i m e n s i o n s o f t h e e x p e r i e n c e o f t h e c a r e e r , t h e m u l t i t u d e o f p o s s i b l e i n f l u e n c e s on i t , and t h e d i v e r s i t y o f homosexual i d e n t i t i e s , t h i s r e s e a r c h was conducted from a c o n s t r u c t i v i s t framework and employ methods o f n a t u r a l i s t i c i n q u i r y (Magoon, 1977; Owens, 1982). T h i s s t u d y employs t h e use o f an u n s t r u c t u r e d i n t e r v i e w d e s i g n and n a r r a t i v e d a t a was c o l l e c t e d and a n a l y z e d as t h e s t u d y p roceeded. T h i s approach, c o n s i s t i n g o f an o n g o i n g a p p r a i s a l o f d a t a g a t h e r i n g , a n a l y s i s and i n t e r p r e t a t i o n i s d e s c r i b e d by G l a s e r (1978) as grounded t h e o r y t e c h n i q u e . I n a c c o r d a n c e w i t h t h e grounded t h e o r y approach, p a r t i c i p a n t s were s e l e c t e d on t h e b a s i s o f t h e i r e x p e r i e n c e w i t h t h e phenomenon. P a r t i c i p a n t s i n t h i s s t u d y were s e l e c t e d on t h e b a s i s o f t h e i r s e l f - d i s c l o s e d gay i d e n t i t y and t h e i r i n v o l v e m e n t i n t h e i r c a r e e r development. L e t t e r s were s e n t o u t t h r o u g h a s e r i e s o f p e r s o n a l c o n t a c t s , i n v i t i n g p a r t i c i p a t i o n i n t h e s t u d y . C o n s e q u e n t l y , t h e i n t e r v i e w e r was n o t a c q u a i n t e d w i t h 14 t h e p a r t i c i p a n t s p r i o r t o t h e i n i t i a t i o n o f t h e s t u d y . Under i d e a l c i r c u m s t a n c e s p a r t i c i p a n t s would be drawn upon u n t i l c o m p l e t e n e s s o f t h e m a t e r i a l was d e t e r m i n e d t h r o u g h d a t a s a t u r a t i o n . However, due t o t i m e c o n s t r a i n t s and l i m i t e d f u n d s , t h i s i n v e s t i g a t i o n c o n f i n e d i t s e l f t o t h r e e p a r t i c i p a n t s . T h i s r e s t r i c t s t h e o r e t i c a l g e n e r a l i z a t i o n s t h a t can be g e n e r a t e d from t h e s t u d y b u t t h e s t u d y remains a v a l i d r e p r e s e n t a t i o n o f t h e e x p e r i e n c e o f some i n d i v i d u a l s . I n f o r m a l c o n v e r s a t i o n a l i n t e r v i e w s ( P a t t o n , 1980) were used t o f a c i l i t a t e t h e d i s c l o s u r e o f n a r r a t i v e m a t e r i a l . T h i s method i s d e s c r i b e d by M i s h l e r (1986) as t h e most e f f e c t i v e means o f g a t h e r i n g s t o r i e d m a t e r i a l : "We a r e more l i k e l y t o f i n d s t o r i e s r e p o r t e d i n t h e s t u d i e s u s i n g r e l a t i v e l y u n s t r u c t u r e d i n t e r v i e w s where r e s p o n d e n t s a r e i n v i t e d t o speak i n t h e i r own v o i c e s , a l l o w e d t o c o n t r o l t h e i n t r o d u c t i o n and f l o w o f t o p i c s , and encouraged t o e x t e n d t h e i r r e s p o n s e s " (p. 6 9 ) . The q u o t a t i o n s r e p o r t e d i n t h e t h e s i s a r e t a k e n d i r e c t l y from t h e t r a n s c r i p t s o f t h e i n t e r v i e w and i n d i c a t e n o t o n l y t h e s u b j e c t m a t t e r b u t a l s o t h e way i n wh i c h t h e p a r t i c i p a n t s speak. The i d i o s y n c r a c i e s o f speech a r e m a i n t a i n e d f o r t h e purpose o f i l l u s t r a t i n g s t r u c t u r e as w e l l as c o n t e x t . The i n t e r v i e w e r posed t h e i n i t i a l s t a t e m e n t t h a t t h e puropse o f t h e s t u d y was t o e x p l o r e a p e r s o n ' s c a r e e r development i n l i u g h t o f a homosexual i d e n t i t y . P a r t i c i p a n t s began r e c o u n t i n g t h e i r t a l e immmediately f o l l o w i n g t h i s s t a t e m e n t and l i t t l e i n t e r j e c t i o n o r q u e s t i o n i n g o c c u r r e d f o l l o w i n g t h i s i n i t i a l s t a t e m e n t . I n t e r v i e w s l a s t e d 15 a p p r o x i m a t e l y f o u r h o u r s f o r t h e i n i t i a l i n t e r v i e w w i t h a v a l i d a t i o n i n t e r v i e w a p p r o x i m a t e l y 1 hour i n l e n g t h f o l l o w i n g t h e a n a l y s i s o f t h e i n t e r v i e w c o n t e n t . P a r t i c i p a n t s were a l s o c o n t a c t e d t h r o u g h o u t t h e r e v i e w o f t h e r e c o r d e d i n t e r v i e w s f o r o n - g o i n g v e r i f i c a t i o n . Responses t o t h e i n t e r v i e w p r o v i d e d t h e m a t e r i a l t o e x p l o r e t h e meaning t h e p a r t i c i p a n t s g i v e t o t h e i r c a r e e r as w e l l as t h e f o r m a t w h i c h o r g a n i z e s t h a t meaning. The s i g n i f i c a n c e o f t h e n a r r a t i v e a c c o u n t s i s p o s i t e d i n S a r t r e ' s (1938) f i c t i o n a l a c c o u n t o f an i n d i v i d u a l : "a man i s always a t e l l e r o f t a l e s , he l i v e s s u r r o u n d e d by h i s s t o r i e s and t h e s t o r i e s o f o t h e r s , he sees e v e r y t h i n g t h a t happens t o him t h r o u g h them; and he t r i e s t o l i v e h i s l i f e as i f he were t e l l i n g a s t o r y " ( p . 3 9 ) . F u r t h e r , P o l k i n g h o r n e (1988) i n d i c a t e s t h a t t h e " n a r r a t i v e i s a meaning s t r u c t u r e t h a t o r g a n i z e s e v e n t s and human a c t i o n s i n t o a whole, t h e r e b y a t t r i b u t i n g s i g n i f i c a n c e t o i n d i v i d u a l a c t i o n s and e v e n t s a c c o r d i n g t o t h e i r e f f e c t on t h e whole" (p. 1 8 ) . I n d e s c r i b i n g t h e i n v e s t i g a t i o n o f t h i s n a r r a t i v e d i s c o u r s e , Cochrane (1986) s t a t e s : "Meaning i s c o n t e x t u a l , i m p l i c i t i n a p o r t r a i t o r s t o r y . There i s no one p l a c e t o l o o k . One s i m p l y e n t e r s t h e c i r c l e , a s s e s s i n g p a r t s t o comprehend t h e whole and a s s e s s i n g t h e whole t o comprehend t h e p a r t s . U n d e r s t a n d i n g g e n e r a t e s more u n d e r s t a n d i n g u n t i l a g e n e r a l a p p r e c i a t i o n i s r e a c h e d " ( p l 4 - 1 5 ) . Thus a q u a l i t a t i v e i n q u i r y i n t o t h e n a r r a t i v e s u g g e s t s t h e i n v e s t i g a t i o n o f a p e r s o n ' s complex meaning f o r t h e m s e l v e s , b o t h t h r o u g h t h e e x p l i c i t i n c l u s i o n o f 16 e v e n t s as w e l l as t h e i m p l i c i t s t a t e m e n t s s u g g e s t e d by s t r u c t u r e and form. A q u a l i t a t i v e i n q u i r y i n t o t h e meaning o f t h e n a r r a t i v e m a t e r i a l r e l i e s on t h e i n t e r v i e w e r t o become i n v o l v e d i n d e pth w i t h t h e s t o r y b e i n g p r e s e n t e d . The r e s e a r c h e r i s r e q u i r e d t o have n o t o n l y a comprehensive u n d e r s t a n d i n g o f t h e r e l e v a n t s u b j e c t a r e a s b u t a l s o an i n t u i t i v e a b i l i t y t o n o t e t h e r e c u r r e n c e o f themes, p a t t e r n s and i n t o n a t i o n s as w e l l as t h e i m p l i c a t i o n s o f t h e p l o t f o r t h e s e f e a t u r e s o f t h e s t o r y . The r e s e a r c h e r must become an i n s t r u m e n t o f r esonance (May, 1983) t o a d e q u a t e l y i n t e g r a t e t h e m a t e r i a l b e i n g p r e s e n t e d by t h e n a r r a t o r . I n t h i s t h e s i s , a n a l y s i s r e s t r i c t s i t s e l f t o t h e c o n s t r u c t i o n s o f meaning t h a t t h e p a r t i c i p a n t s i n d i c a t e i n t h e i r n a r r a t i v e . T h i s i s done i n an e f f o r t t o a v o i d s u p e r i m p o s i n g t h e academic o r t h e o r e t i c a l c o n s t r u c t s h e l d by t h e i n t e r v i e w e r on t h e p e r s o n a l and s o c i a l c o n s t r u c t s o f t h e n a r r a t o r s . A n a l y s i s o f t h e s t o r i e s w i l l p r o v i d e a v i e w o f t h e a g g r e g a t e e x p e r i e n c e s o f t h e s t u d y p a r t i c i p a n t s . I n v i e w o f t h e q u a l i t a t i v e methodology a p p l i e d i n t h i s s t u d y , a p p r o p r i a t e methods o f e n s u r i n g r e l i a b i l i t y and v a l i d i t y were employed. Study p a r t i c i p a n t s r e v i e w e d i n t e r p r e t a t i o n s t o e n s u r e c o n t e n t v a l i d i t y . Through e x t e n s i v e i n t e r v i e w s r e l i a b i l i t y was e n s u r e d as p o r t i o n s o f t h e n a r r a t i v e were r e i t e r a t e d . As a n t i c i p a t e d t h e n a r r a t i v e s h i f t e d s l i g h t l y as t h e p a r t i c i p a n t ' s i n s i g h t i n c r e a s e d and t h e s t o r y e v o l v e d 17 although the content remained consistent. V e r i f i c a t i o n by the study p a r t i c i p a n t was an on-going procedure. A l l material e l i c i t e d was disguised to ensure c o n f i d e n t i a l i t y and the consideration of the r i g h t s and p r i v i l e g e s of the narrative actor remained the foremost concern guiding the data gathering process. 18 CHAPTER I V Doug's S t o r y Doug i s t w e n t y s e v e n y e a r s o l d a n d i s e m p l o y e d c o o r d i n a t i n g v o l u n t e e r s f o r a s m a l l c o m m u n i t y b a s e d o r g a n i z a t i o n . A t t h e t i m e o f t h e i n t e r v i e w he h a d c o m p l e t e d a y e a r a n d a h a l f o f u n d e r g r a d u a t e w o r k i n a l o c a l u n i v e r s i t y , t r a i n e d i n A u d i o P r o d u c t i o n a n d i n a r e l a t e d i n t e r n s h i p , a n d s e r v e d i n b o t h a v o l u n t e e r a n d p a i d c a p a c i t y a t a s m a l l AIDS s e r v i c e o r g a n i z a t i o n . Doug c o n s i d e r s h i s c a r e e r c o u r s e d i r e c t i o n l e s s : "What I c o n s i d e r my b i g p r o b l e m [ i s ] n o t n o t h a v i n g h a d a p l a n , b u t n o t h a v i n g a f o c u s s e d a m b i t i o n . " Doug was a g o o d s t u d e n t i n h i g h s c h o o l . He c o m p l e t e d h i s c o u r s e s w i t h e x c e l l e n t g r a d e s , e x c e p t c h e m i s t r y , w h i c h h e l d no i n t e r e s t f o r h i m . " I was t a k i n g c l a s s e s I h a d a b s o l u t e l y no i n t e r e s t i n b u t was t a k i n g them b e c a u s e y o u h a d t o do t h e a c a d e m i c s t r e a m o r t h e o t h e r , w h a t e v e r i t ' s c a l l e d . So, um, c h e m i s t r y i s t h e one [ c l a s s ] t h a t s t i c k s o u t a s t h e f i r s t c l a s s I g o t a B i n . Um a n d I h a t e d i t . I j u s t h a d no u s e f o r i t w h a t s o e v e r . " When he e n t e r e d u n i v e r s i t y b u t c o u l d n ' t i d e n t i f y a s p e c i f i c i n t e r e s t , he d r o p p e d a c o u p l e o f c l a s s e s i n h i s s e c o n d y e a r . He d i d n ' t f e e l i n c l i n e d t o a t t e m p t t h e c l a s s e s a g a i n , n o r c o u l d he d e t e r m i n e a m a j o r , s o a t t h e e n d o f h i s s e c o n d y e a r he l e f t u n i v e r s i t y . " I t was c o n n e c t e d w i t h n o t b e i n g f o c u s s e d a n d t h a t r e a l l y became a p r o b l e m i n u n i v e r s i t y b e c a u s e I q u e s t i o n e d t h e w h o l e r e a s o n f o r d o i n g i t . " Doug f o u n d i t e s s e n t i a l t o s e e t h e d i r e c t b e a r i n g h i s l e a r n i n g h a d on a p a t h o f p r o g r e s s b u t 19 t h i s was d i f f i c u l t as he c o u l d n ' t choose a d i r e c t i o n t o p u r s u e . Doug's i n a b i l i t y t o f i n d h i s " f o c u s s e d a m b i t i o n " i s d e e p l y d i s c o n c e r t i n g t o him. He a t t e m p t s t o a c c o u n t f o r h i s l a c k o f d i r e c t i o n : " i t s n o t t h e case o f not b e i n g i n t e r e s t e d i n a n y t h i n g , i t ' s more b e i n g a case o f b e i n g t o o i n t e r e s t e d i n t o o many t h i n g s . And n o t b e i n g a b l e t o narrow i t down t o one t h i n g t h a t I'm p a s s i o n a t e about o r i n t e r e s t e d i n o r t o work a t . Because t h a t ' s what i t t a k e s t o work a t something, i s t o r e a l l y want t h a t something . . . ." I n e s s e n c e , Doug has n o t had t o e s t a b l i s h h i s p a s s i o n , even s e x u a l , w i t h t h e w o r l d a t l a r g e . Of h i s h o m o s e x u a l i t y he s t a t e s , " t h e r e was no coming o u t t o be done . . . because s h o r t o f . . . t a l k i n g o p e n l y about my sex l i f e o r my d e s i r e s o r whatever, w h i c h i s not me anyway, o r a f f e c t i n g some b e h a v i o u r , w h i c h i s a l s o not me . . .. t h e r e d o e s n ' t seem t o be a way t o g e t t h a t c o m f o r t a b l y a c r o s s . . . I haven't f e l t c o m f o r t a b l e d o i n g t h a t and some o f t h a t i s d e f i n i t e l y um, t o do w i t h s e l f image and c o n f i d e n c e . " Doug's d i f f i c u l t y i n d e f i n i n g h i m s e l f t o o t h e r s i s r e f l e c t e d i n h i s d i f f i c u l t y i n d e f i n i n g h i s c h o i c e s . D u r i n g s c h o o l Doug had e s t a b l i s h e d a group o f f r i e n d s w i t h whom he s o c i a l i z e d . He began a r e l a t i o n s h i p w i t h a man who l i v e d i n t h e U n i t e d S t a t e s b u t f e l t h i s f r i e n d s n e v e r r e a l l y wanted t o know about i t . H i s s e x u a l o r i e n t a t i o n was n o t a t o p i c o p e n l y d i s c u s s e d . He found t h a t as a consequence o f a v i s i t t o h i s l o v e r , h i s f r i e n d s o s t r a c i z e d him. "There came a p o i n t when I was more o r l e s s o s t r a c i z e d from t h a t group o f p e o p l e . And i t [his relationship] had never been r e a l l y open because no one i n i t i a t e d discussion of i t , and I didn't f e e l close enough to anyone to want to t a l k about i t even conversationally. Even i f they didn't know what they were doing, [they] uh found ways to avoid having i t come up. And I played along rather than jeopardize t h e i r acceptance, I guess." A f t e r t h i s incident, he ended up connecting with another couple of people who were also being ostracized from the s o c i a l group, one of whom was gay, and reestablished s o c i a l t i e s . The loss of those s o c i a l connections at the u n i v e r s i t y further eroded h i s commitment to continue h i s education. While attending u n i v e r s i t y Doug had been employed part time doing word processing. When he decided not to r e - r e g i s t e r at the u n i v e r s i t y for the next term he continued to word process, expanding a part time commitment into a f u l l time one. Doug had started word processing as a summer job p r i o r to entering u n i v e r s i t y . He l i k e d the job for quite some time as i t held h i s i n t e r e s t more than school did. He could see i t s purposes and recognize tangible r e s u l t s . He had been making plans, however, to quit and v i s i t Europe. Just before he was prepared to leave the firm he was with, they eliminated h i s p o s i t i o n . The owner of the company had brought i n a f r i e n d who had no experience i n the f i e l d to operate the company. Rather than foster Doug's ro l e i n the firm, the new operator f a i l e d to r e a l i z e the purpose of h i s job r e p o n s i b i l i t i e s and terminated the job. Doug's own plan to 21 l e a v e t h e company was preempted: " i t was a l i t t l e e a r l y f o r me b u t i t wasn't a b i g d e a l because I wasn't i n t e r e s t e d i n w o r k i n g f o r him. Because he d i d n ' t even v a l u e me a t a p e r s o n a l l e v e l t o f i n d o u t what I d i d . " Doug had made e x t e n s i v e p r e p a r a t i o n s i n p l a n n i n g a t r i p t o Europe by s p e a k i n g t o many p e o p l e and g e t t i n g s u g g e s t i o n s from t h o s e who had t r a v e l l e d on t h e i r own. When Doug r e t u r n e d from Europe t h r e e and a h a l f months l a t e r , he s p e n t a p e r i o d o f t i m e unemployed and e v e n t u a l l y p i c k e d up some word p r o c e s s i n g work t h r o u g h h i s p r e v i o u s f i r m . I t was d u r i n g t h i s t i m e t h a t Doug went t h r o u g h a p e r i o d o f a s k i n g "what am I d o i n g w i t h my l i f e ? " Doug s u g g e s t s t h a t he has f a c e d t h i s q u e s t i o n about e v e r y two y e a r s i n h i s a d u l t l i f e . " I h a v e n ' t a c t u a l l y s e t i t down t o t i m e s , a l t h o u g h t h a t might be i n t e r e s t i n g t o do. . . [ i t i s a] what am I d o i n g w i t h my l i f e t y p e c r i s i s and where was i t g o i n g and why don't I have any s p e c i f i c a m b i t i o n and t h a t k i n d o f s t u f f . " He had d e c i d e d t o r e t u r n t o u n i v e r s i t y and had r e a p p l i e d f o r a d m i s s i o n . He s t i l l d i d n o t have a s p e c i f i c g o a l i n mind when he made t h i s d e c i s i o n b u t seemed t o d e s i r e an o p p o r t u n i t y t o make s o c i a l c o n n e c t i o n s and a l l e v i a t e h i s d i s c o m f o r t w i t h h i m s e l f . " I t wasn't [ t h a t ] I had t o go back t o s c h o o l and do s omething s p e c i f i c , o r t h a t I had t o go back t o s c h o o l so I can g e t more s c h o o l i n g and become something, i t was more t h a t I'm n o t m e e t i n g anyone, n o t g r o w i n g , t h i s i s n ' t g o i n g anywhere, what I'm d o i n g . " 22 J u s t b e f o r e s c h o o l was t o s t a r t , however, he remembered s e e i n g an a d v e r t i s e m e n t f o r a R e c o r d i n g A r t s S c h o o l . Doug had a l w a y s had an i n t e r e s t i n sound p r o d u c t i o n and t h e commercial m u s i c i n d u s t r y . He l o c a t e d t h e s c h o o l ' s t e l e p h o n e number and s e t an appointment t o speak w i t h them. H i s i n q u i r i e s r e v e a l e d t h e f e e s t o be q u i t e e x p e n s i v e . A day l a t e r he d e c i d e d "what t h e h e l l " and t o o k o u t a s t u d e n t l o a n and e n r o l l e d i n t h e s c h o o l . He c o u l d see t h a t g o i n g t o r e c o r d i n g s c h o o l might l e a d t o s omething and have a d i r e c t b e a r i n g on a j o b . " I t f e l t r i g h t i n t h e sense t h a t h a v i n g made a d e c i s i o n t o go back t o s c h o o l was r e a l l y i m p o r t a n t . . . When I d e c i d e d on r e c o r d i n g s c h o o l , um, i n my d e c i s i o n about r e c o r d i n g s c h o o l , i t f e l t much more l i k e t h i s was g o i n g t o go somewhere. . . t h e t h i n g I r e a l l y l i k e d was even though i n f i r s t y e a r i t was q u i t e a d i v e r s i f i e d s e t o f c o u r s e s . . . a l l o f i t was f o c u s s e d i n one a r e a . " D u r i n g h i s f i r s t y e a r o f r e c o r d i n g s c h o o l he saw a p r o m o t i o n f o r an i n t e r n s h i p program i n t h e a t r e . He'd known someone who had been i n t h i s program w h i c h encouraged him t o a p p l y . He l i k e d r e c o r d i n g s c h o o l and t h o u g h t t h e t h e a t r e program would a l l o w him t o combine h i s p r e v i o u s i n t e r e s t i n t h e a t r e w i t h sound e n g i n e e r i n g . He was s t i l l d o i n g p a r t t i m e word p r o c e s s i n g b u t he had begun t o r e s e n t t h e a t t e n t i o n i t t o o k away from h i s i n t e r e s t i n sound p r o d u c t i o n and was l o o k i n g t o l e a v e . He e x p l a i n s , " I r e s e n t e d t h e t i m e I had t o spend d o i n g i t i n o r d e r t o a f f o r d t o pay r e n t and e a t because I was so i n t e r e s t e d i n my o t h e r work . . . whereas when I was i n 23 u n i v e r s i t y , I p r e f e r r e d g o i n g t o work o v e r g o i n g t o s c h o o l . " S u b s e q u e n t l y , when t h e o f f e r came f o r t h e i n t e r n s h i p he a c c e p t e d e a g e r l y . D e s p i t e Doug's a p p l i c a t i o n t o t h e i n t e r n s h i p program and h i s e f f o r t s a t t h e r e c o r d i n g s c h o o l t o p e r f o r m w e l l and a t t a i n good g r a d e s , he a c c o u n t s f o r t h e o p p o r t u n i t y t o do t h e i n t e r n s h i p by s u g g e s t i n g , " t h i n g s happen." I n r e f e r r i n g t o h i s g e n e r a l c a r e e r p a t h , Doug s a y s , " i n c o n c i s e and easy t e r m s , w h i c h g i v e s v e r y l i t t l e i n f o r m a t i o n , i s t h i n g s happen" and t h a t , "sometimes l i f e j u s t seems t o f a l l i n t o p l a c e . " I n p a r t , Doug w a i t s f o r c i r c u m s t a n c e s o r t h e r i s i n g t i d e o f an e m o t i o n a l c r i s i s t o make d e c i s i o n s . He does n o t f e e l v e r y s t r o n g l y about h i s own agency i n p u r s u i n g h i s employment o p t i o n s . He i n t e r n e d f o r t h e summer and e n j o y e d i t b u t t h o u g h t t h e t i m e went by t o o q u i c k l y . F o r t u n a t e l y , t h e r e was a v a cancy f o r a p o s i t i o n i n t e r n i n g t h r o u g h t h e w i n t e r ; he was i n v i t e d t o a p p l y , and h i s i n t e r n s h i p was extended. He d i d have t o do some n e g o t i a t i n g w i t h t h e r e c o r d i n g s c h o o l i n o r d e r t o s t a y and d e f e r a s c h o l a r s h i p he had been awarded f o r a y e a r . U n l i k e t h e summer i n t e r n s h i p , work i n t h e w i n t e r l a r g e l y c o n s i s t e d o f t o u r i n g t o s m a l l t h e a t r e s t h r o u g h o u t t h e a r e a . H i s work became b o r i n g f o r him, and he t h o u g h t t h a t perhaps he was i n t h e wrong p l a c e d o i n g t h e wrong t h i n g . The j o b had l o s t i t s i n t e r e s t and e x c i t e m e n t . He s t a y e d f o r a n o t h e r summer t o see i f he would f i n d h i s i n t e r e s t a g a i n . A t t h e end o f t h e second summer he a p p l i e d f o r a c o u p l e o f 24 j o b s i n a r e g i o n a l t h e a t r e where he would n o t have t o t o u r . F o r one i n t e r v i e w he f e l t a f r i e n d was more committed t o t h e work t h a t he was, so he d i d n ' t a t t e n d t h e i n t e r v i e w . "But my, I a l m o s t s a i d b e s t f r i e n d , and i n a sense he was, t h e r e . Um b u t t h e f e l l o w who' had been t h e o t h e r i n t e r n [ t h e ] f i r s t summer who I met t h e r e , uh and who needed, i n my judgement, t h e j o b more t h a n I d i d . I n t h a t he was t h a t was he had d e t e r m i n e d t h a t was h i s c a r e e r . He was more s u r e t h a n I was about t h a t . I d i d n ' t want t h e j o b enough t o e x p e r i e n c e g e t t i n g i t o v e r him. And I don't know what t h e uh t h e . But we have s i m i l a r r e l a t i v e e x p e r i e n c e and t h a t s t u f f . And I was o l d e r w h i c h d o e s n ' t n e c e s s a r i l y a i d . What I'm t r y i n g t o say i s t h e r e seemed t o be a p o s s i b i l i t y i n t h a t i t might go my way. And t h e i n t e r v i e w e r was l a t e and I used t h a t as an excuse n o t t o show up t o t h e i n t e r v i e w . So um I sabotaged t h a t one." Doug t o y s w i t h t h e c o n s i d e r a t i o n t h a t he was t o o i n s e c u r e t o compete w i t h h i s f r i e n d and r i s k n o t g e t t i n g t h e j o b , r e j e c t s i t , b u t i n d i c a t e s t h a t t h i s i s a d i s t i n c t c o n s i d e r a t i o n i n o t h e r j o b s e a r c h e s . "That w o u l d n ' t have been a problem f o r me . . . and maybe somehow i t would, maybe i n t h a t you know, v u l n e r a b l e p a r t t h a t a l w a y s wants t o um t o w i n , o r w i n i s n o t t h e r i g h t word, t h a t t h i n k s I'm i n f e r i o r . . . t h e i n s e c u r e p a r t . Maybe i n some way i t would b u t t h a t d i d n ' t e n t e r i n t o t h a t d e c i s i o n . I t c o u l d i n o t h e r ways, o t h e r t i m e s b u t n o t i n t h a t one." Doug was much more i n t e r e s t e d i n t h e second j o b a p p l i c a t i o n he made. I t encompassed many more elements o f sound work t h a t 25 he e n j o y e d . "The r o a d house a s p e c t i s r e a l l y i n t e r e s t i n g . And um we were b o t h a p p l y i n g f o r t h a t j o b t o o and we s t u d i o u s l y a v o i d e d d i s c u s s i n g i t . I n t h e end, n e i t h e r Doug n o r h i s b e s t f r i e n d was o f f e r e d t h e j o b . "There were p o l i t i c s i n v o l v e d . . . I d i d n ' t know t h e r i g h t p e o p l e . So p o l i t i c s g o t me t h e r e . " Doug m i n i m i z e s h i s d i s a p p o i n t m e n t by s u g g e s t i n g once a g a i n t h a t he had no r e a l d r i v e t o pursue t h a t c a r e e r c o u r s e : "My l i f e w ould be c o m p l e t e l y d i f f e r e n t i f I'd g o t t h a t j o b , uh, b u t a g a i n , d o i n g t h a t work wasn't a b u r n i n g a m b i t i o n o r I'd be d o i n g i t . " I t i s d i f f i c u l t f o r Doug t o m a i n t a i n b o t h t h e n o t i o n t h a t " t h i n g s happen", as w e l l as t h e c o n c e p t t h a t he i s supposed t o have a s t r o n g f o c u s and s t r i v e f o r i t . O f t e n t h e s e a r e c o n t r a d i c t o r y i d e a s . I n t h e f i n a l a n a l y s i s , Doug t a k e s as h i s d i r e c t i o n t h a t i f t h e s i t u a t i o n does n o t a l l o w f o r h i s j o b a s p i r a t i o n s t h e n he must n o t have had a s t r o n g enough d e s i r e t o work i n t h i s a r e a . He does n o t have t h e p e r s o n a l f o r t i t u d e t o p u r s u e h i s g o a l s i n s p i t e o f o b s t a c l e s o r d e v e l o p h i s c a r e e r i n s p i t e o f t h e d u l l r o u t i n e o f c e r t a i n j o b s . T h i s s e r v e s as a major c o n s i d e r a t i o n i n Doug's c a r e e r d e c i s i o n s . W i t h no o t h e r o p t i o n s l e f t open, Doug r e t u r n e d t o t h e r e c o r d i n g s c h o o l f o r h i s f i n a l y e a r . He had been awarded a p a r t i a l s c h o l a r s h i p f o r t h e y e a r , and t h a t encouraged him t o go back t o s c h o o l . He t h o u g h t a t t h e t i m e t h a t r e t u r n i n g t o s c h o o l was a m i s t a k e . He had l o s t h i s i n t e r e s t and become a l m o s t c y n i c a l about t h e i n n e r network o f c o n t a c t s needed i n t h e 26 i n d u s t r y . He f e l t he d i d n ' t have enough a m b i t i o n t o make i t i n r e c o r d p r o d u c t i o n . " I knew g o i n g i n t o t h e second y e a r t h a t I was n o t g o i n g t o be a r e c o r d p r o d u c e r . . . [my i n t e r n s h i p ] screwed me up as f a r as t h a t went. Because i t showed me t o o many o t h e r p o s s i b i l i t i e s [ s i g h ] , o t h e r t h i n g s t h a t were p o s s i b l e and a l s o showed me a l i t t l e more about t h e b u s i n e s s t h a t I had t o know a t t h a t p o i n t 'cause I was a l i t t l e t o o r e a l i s t i c about my p o s s i b i l i t i e s . . . Based on my p e r s o n a l i t y and my, once a g a i n , t h e t h o u g h t t h a t i t wasn't a g r e a t a m b i t i o n , t h a t I would n o t make i t . " The f i n a l d e c i s i o n t o r e t u r n t o s c h o o l was, as Doug i n d i c a t e d , "because I d i d n ' t have a n y t h i n g e l s e . " I n making h i s d e c i s i o n s Doug f e e l s he needs t o be a c t i o n o r i e n t e d , " d o i n g something" and d i r e c t i o n o r i e n t e d " g o i n g somewhere", "gr o w i n g . " D u r i n g t h e t i m e s o f h i s unemployment, t h i s c o n c e p t d r i v e s him i n t o a " c r i s i s " and he makes some d e c i s i o n t o t a k e a c t i o n , u s u a l l y r e t u r n i n g t o s c h o o l . The s t i g m a a t t a c h e d b e i n g unemployed o r not a t t e n d i n g s c h o o l p r e v a l e n t i n s o c i e t y has been i n t e r n a l i z e d t o such an e x t e n t t h a t Doug s t r i v e s t o be a c t i v e r a t h e r t h a n f a c e t h e d e r i s i o n o f o t h e r s i n t a k i n g t i m e out o f w o r k i n g t o p l a n any c o u r s e o f a c t i o n . I n r e t u r n i n g t o t h e r e c o r d i n g s c h o o l Doug found t h a t an i n s t r u c t o r he had r e s p e c t e d d u r i n g h i s f i r s t y e a r was a g r a v e d i s a p p o i n t m e n t d u r i n g h i s second y e a r . The i n s t r u c t o r no l o n g e r seemed committed t o t e a c h i n g h i s s t u d e n t s n o r t o p r o v i d i n g any f e edback r e g a r d i n g t h e s i n g l e a s s i g n e d paper. Doug f e l t v e r y 27 d i s i l l u s i o n e d and r e f u s e d t o complete h i s assignment f o r t h e c o u r s e . He c a r e f u l l y t h o u g h t o ut t h e r e p e r c u s s i o n o f n o t g r a d u a t i n g from t h e s c h o o l and d e c i d e d t o t a k e t h a t c o u r s e o f a c t i o n . "And by n o t w r i t i n g my paper, I f a i l e d t h e c l a s s and woul d n ' t g r a d u a t e . Which was a v e r y c o n s c i o u s d e c i s i o n on my p a r t . The d i p l o m a from such a s c h o o l means something o n l y t o t h a t s c h o o l . Uh, i t means n o t h i n g i n t h e i n d u s t r y . . . . i t m a t t e r e d more t o me n o t t o p u t m y s e l f t h r o u g h d o i n g a p r o j e c t . . . because I had no r e s p e c t f o r i t . " W h i l e he d i d n o t mind no t r e c e i v i n g h i s d i p l o m a , he r e g r e t t e d n o t c o m p l a i n i n g t o t h e a d m i n i s t r a t i o n sooner about t h e n e g l e c t o f h i s i n s t r u c t o r . Doug had a l s o a n t i c i p a t e d t h a t t h e p r o d u c t i o n i n d u s t r y would be a l i t t l e b i t more open, p a r t i c u l a r l y about s e x u a l i t y . He found, however, t h a t w h i l e he was h o p i n g t h a t t h e y might be w i s e t o t h e ways o f t h e w o r l d , i f n o t a c c e p t i n g , t h e y a v o i d e d t h e i s s u e o f h i s s e x u a l o r i e n t a t i o n . " I t [was] r e a l l y i n t e r e s t i n g b e i n g i n a t h e a t r e community because i t i s a s e p a r a t e community, t o n o t e t h e amount o f o v e r t homophobia t h a t happened, o r h e t e r o s e x i s m , w h i c h e v e r you term i t . " O c c a s i o n a l l y o v e r t s t a t e m e n t s would be made d e n i g r a t i n g s e x u a l a c t s t h a t a r e a s s o c i a t e d w i t h gay men, o r d e n i g r a t i n g t h e term "gay". R a t h e r t h a n j e o p a r d i z e t h e degree t o w h i c h he f e l t a c c e p t e d , Doug l i m i t e d h i s r e s p o n s e t o c o l d g l a r e s , n e v e r a d d r e s s i n g t h e i s s u e d i r e c t l y . Doug ended up f o r g e t t i n g about s c h o o l and about t h e grades and f o c u s s e d h i s a t t e n t i o n on work t h a t r e a l l y i n t e r e s t e d him. 28 He worked f o r one o f h i s i n s t r u c t o r s who had a r e c o r d i n g s t u d i o . W h i l e he was i n i t i a l l y n o t p a i d f o r t h e work, he was pr o m i s e d pay i n s e v e r a l months when t h e b u s i n e s s was e s t a b l i s h e d . Doug c o u l d a f f o r d t o work w i t h o u t pay f o r a c o u p l e o f months and d i d so f o r t h e e x p e r i e n c e . D e s p i t e g i v i n g h i s employer t h i s i n f o r m a t i o n , he e v e n t u a l l y had t o l e a v e t h e s t u d i o . "What ended b e i n g d e m o r a l i z i n g was um n o t even h a v i n g even any acknowledgement o f t h e work t h a t I was d o i n g , had done." One week he became i l l and was u n a b l e t o g e t t h r o u g h on t h e phone t o l e t t h o s e a t t h e s t u d i o know. They n e v e r phoned him; he r e t u r n e d t o t h e s t u d i o a g a i n . He s a y s , " I guess I found o u t how much t h e y c a r e d about me." When Doug r e c o g n i z e s t h a t t h e r e have been s e v e r a l o c c a s i o n s when t h e men s u p e r v i s i n g him have negated t h e i m p o r t a n c e o f h i s work and i t s outcomes. When he has some g o a l o r outcome i n mind and i t i s n o t s u p p o r t e d by o t h e r s i n t h e work o r s c h o o l e n v i r o n m e n t , he becomes d i s i l l u s i o n e d w i t h h i s c h o i c e , f i n d s t h e work o r s c h o o l s i t u a t i o n u n t e n a b l e , and f a c e s t h e need t o change p a t h s a g a i n . When t h e o p p o r t u n i t y a r i s e s t o c o n t i n u e i n t h e f i e l d , he has a reduced d e s i r e t o c o n t i n u e towards h i s o r i g i n a l aim. D u r i n g t h e l a s t week w o r k i n g a t t h e s t u d i o , Doug began v o l u n t e e r i n g a t a n o n p r o f i t agency w o r k i n g w i t h t h e AIDS h e a l t h c r i s i s . The t r a i n i n g he r e c e i v e d a t t h e agency was a v e r y i n t e r e s t i n g e x p e r i e n c e f o r him: " i t f e l t r e a l l y good and was a sh a r p c o n t r a s t t o g o i n g t o t h e s t u d i o w h i c h by t h a t t i m e f e l t r e a l l y bad . . . t r a i n i n g was v e r y d i f f e r e n t , was v e r y e x p e r i e n t i a l , and uh a l o t o f v e r y deep e m o t i o n a l s t u f f . . ." He went t h r o u g h a c r i s i s p e r i o d o f "what am I d o i n g w i t h my l i f e " a g a i n b u t as he e n j o y e d h i s work a t t h e agency, he e v e n t u a l l y i n d i c a t e d t o t h e d i r e c t o r t h a t he was l o o k i n g f o r work. As p o s i t i o n s became a v a i l a b l e Doug was o f f e r e d work and c o n t i n u e s t o work t h e r e a f t e r t h r e e y e a r s . W h i l e he c o n s i d e r s l e a v i n g h i s c u r r e n t j o b o c c a s i o n a l l y , Doug has no s t r o n g d e s i r e t o pursue o t h e r o p t i o n s a t t h i s t i m e . He does c o n s i d e r r e t u r n i n g t o u n i v e r s i t y t o f i n i s h h i s degree a t some f u t u r e d a t e when t h e d e s i r e o r c r i s i s moves him a g a i n . 30 CHAPTER V Samuel's S t o r y I do t h i n k I've chosen my c a r e e r s n o t because I'm gay . . . I t h i n k I went where I f e l t welcomed. Born on t h e summer s o l s t i c e June 21, 1950, Samuel i s a Gem i n i , t h e a s t r o l o g i c a l s i g n d e n o t i n g t h e c o n t r a s t between two ele m e n t s . He i s t h e o n l y son o f a d i p l o m a t and h i s w i f e and was edu c a t e d i n a v a r i e t y o f p r i v a t e s c h o o l s and by t u t o r s depending on where h i s p a r e n t s were s t a t i o n e d . H i s p a r e n t s encouraged h i s s e l f - r e l i a n c e and independence, and w h i l e he had no s p e c i a l s t a t u s o f h i s own, he was a c c e p t e d i n many p l a c e s t o wh i c h c h i l d r e n have no a c c e s s due t o h i s p a r e n t s ' p o s i t i o n . I n g i v i n g h i s c h a r a c t e r d e f i n i t i o n , Samuel s u g g e s t s t h a t i n a g r e a t many ways he i s s e t a p a r t from t h e m a j o r i t y o f p e o p l e . T h i s i s e x e m p l i f i e d a t t h e b e g i n n i n g o f h i s i n t e r v i e w when he d e s c r i b e s an i n c i d e n t w i t h h i s mother:" she t h o u g h t o f h e r s e l f as a D r u i d . I remember as a c h i l d b e i n g t a k e n t o Stonehenge t o watch t h e sun r i s e . " He a l s o n o t e s t h a t he i s n o t t h e f o c u s o f h i s p a r e n t s ' a t t e n t i o n ; " i n f a c t a t an e a r l y age, I m i s t o o k my mother's i n t e r e s t around June 2 1 s t f o r my b i r t h d a y . And o f c o u r s e i t wasn't." Samuel r e g a r d s h i m s e l f as e x i s t i n g on t h e p e r i p h e r y o f t h e s o c i a l w o r l d and, i n many ways, d i s r e g a r d e d t h e r e . A g a i n he d e s c r i b e s an i n c i d e n t from c h i l d h o o d : "My p a r e n t s ' i d e a o f t r a i n i n g me was t o t a k e me a l o n g t o t h e r e s t a u r a n t s t h a t t h e y a t e i n , p u t a r e s t a u r a n t menu i n f r o n t o f me, and c a r r y on w i t h t h e i r c o n v e r s a t i o n and d i n n e r . " T h i s was no t an u n p l e a s a n t p o s i t i o n f o r Samuel. He f e l t he was w e l l l o v e d , " t h e a p p l e o f my mother's eye and my f a t h e r ' s " , and was encouraged t o make h i s own d e c i s i o n s ; " I have always been [a] p r e c o c i o u s p e r s o n because a t an e a r l y age I was a l l o w e d t o make up my own mind about t h i n g s . I c o u l d make my own c h o i c e s . " Samuel i n d i c a t e s t h a t t h i s i s a f a c t o r i n h i s a d u l t l i f e : " I t h i n k t h a t background i s what l e d me t o making d e c i s i o n s o f my own as a gay p e r s o n . F i n d i n g my own r o l e models and n o t a c c e p t i n g perhaps t h e s t a n d a r d ones t h a t were thrown a t me." W h i l e g r o w i n g up, Samuel was aware o f gay men i n t h e D i p l o m a t i c Corps who p r o v i d e d a d i s t i n c t i v e model f o r him; " t h a t ' s one o f t h e b i g g e s t i n f l u e n c e s f o r me . . . my e a r l y s e x u a l e x p e r i e n c e s were n u r t u r e d i n t h a t e n v i r o n m e n t . " H i s f i r s t s e x u a l e x p e r i e n c e s happened between 11 and 13 y e a r s o f age and were w i t h men i n t h e D i p l o m a t i c s e r v i c e s . The d i s c i p l i n e he e x p e r i e n c e d and saw i n t h e s e r v i c e a l s o i m p a r t e d t o Samuel a s t r o n g sense o f p e r s o n a l d i s c i p l i n e . He f e e l s i t i s c r i t i c a l t o t r e a t p e o p l e w i t h r e s p e c t and d i g n i t y : "bad manners were n o t encouraged. And so I d i d n ' t d e v e l o p any. And uh, even t o d a y , even when p e o p l e c a l l me w i t h phone c a l l s i n t h e m i d d l e o f t h e n i g h t , I've had many p e o p l e say, "How can you be so p o l i t e ? " And my r e t o r t i s , "How can I no t ? What do I have t o be u p s e t a b o u t ? " He a l s o a c c o u n t s f o r h i s a c t i v e p a r t i c i p a t i o n i n t h e Ame r i c a n U n i f o r m A s s o c i a t i o n , an o r g a n i z a t i o n p r i m a r i l y c o m p r i s e d o f gay men who have an i n t e r e s t i n u n i f o r m s , as a r e s u l t o f h i s background. " I f e e l i t ' s f a r more a p a r t o f my d e s t i n y . I grew up, as you can imag i n e , around a l o t o f u n i f o r m e d men." T r a v e l l i n g w i t h h i s p a r e n t s gave him o p p o r t u n i t y t o e x p l o r e l a r g e c i t i e s where same sex a c t i v i t y was r e a d i l y a v a i l a b l e t o him. R e l o c a t i n g f r e q u e n t l y a l s o f o s t e r e d h i s a b i l i t y t o f e e l t h e i m p o r t a n c e o f making a home wherever he was s i t u a t e d . He had s p e n t h i s c h i l d h o o d l i v i n g i n h o t e l s o r r e n t e d houses whenever h i s p a r e n t s t o o k a new p o s t i n g . Samuel s u g g e s t s , " I came t o a c c e p t t h a t home was where you made i t . Where you chose i t t o be." H i s con c e p t o f p e r s o n a l c h o i c e i n d e t e r m i n i n g where home was t o be i s p a r a d o x i c a l . H i s p a r e n t s would a c c e p t t h e p o s t i n g o f f e r e d t o them by t h e government, and he was br o u g h t a l o n g w i t h them r e g a r d l e s s o f h i s own w i s h e s . On numerous o c c a s i o n s d u r i n g t h e i n t e r v i e w he r e f e r r e d t o b e i n g " t h e l i t t l e k i d i n tow." D e s p i t e l i m i t e d c h o i c e s a v a i l a b l e t o him, Samuel f e e l s he i s t h e agent o f h i s d e c i s i o n s . He sa y s o f h i s c u r r e n t home, " I t ' s n o t a p l a c e I'm s t u c k . I've t r a v e l l e d most o f t h e w o r l d and I chose t o l i v e h e r e . " Samuel a c t i v e l y i n c o r p o r a t e s t h e d u a l i t y o f h i s own agency i n h i s d e f i n i t i o n o f h i m s e l f . He s t a t e s , " I t h i n k t h e r e a r e two a s p e c t s h e r e . Gemini l o v e s d o u b l e t h i n g s , and o f c o u r s e , I was b o r n on t h e cusp. So I t h i n k t h a t background i s what l e d me t o making d e c i s i o n s o f my own as a gay p e r s o n . F i n d i n g my own r o l e models and n o t a c c e p t i n g perhaps t h e s t a n d a r d ones...." Y et 33 sometimes he f a i l s t o acknowledge t h e l i m i t a t i o n s p l a c e d on some o f h i s c h o i c e s ; "But, I've ne v e r , I wasn't r a i s e d i n an environment where i t was where I had t o make c o n c e s s i o n s . And t h i s has made i t d i f f i c u l t f o r me as a p e r s o n . . . . And i t had a c t u a l l y k e p t me from making r e l a t i o n s h i p s . I n f a c t I t h i n k my c h o i c e o f j o b s as a gay p e r s o n a g a i n , I t h i n k I had d e l i b e r a t e l y r e s t r i c t e d my c o n t a c t w i t h p e o p l e so t h a t I wouldn't be f o r c e d i n t o a s i t u a t i o n where I had t o make t h o s e d e c i s i o n s . " I n t h e 1960s, Samuel's p a r e n t s came t o Canada t o o f f i c i a t e a t a t r a d e e x p o s i t i o n and bro u g h t him a l o n g . He was c o m p l e t i n g s c h o o l when t h e y l e f t Canada t o r e t i r e abroad. "These were t h e y e a r s where a boy my age would have been j u s t f i n i s h i n g h i g h s c h o o l . And would have c h o i c e s [about] what t o do n e x t . I'd been keen on t h e a t r e f o r q u i t e a l o n g t i m e . And a t t h a t t i m e I became i n v o l v e d w i t h a y o u t h t h e a t r e company. I t ' s a w e l l known i n n o v a t i v e t h e a t r e f o r y o u t h s . I d e c i d e d t h a t I would s t a y and work f o r t h e s e p e o p l e f o r t h e summer. . . I t h e n e n r o l l e d i n t h e T h e a t r e Academy." Samuel e n r o l l e d i n a t h e a t r e s c h o o l a t t h e t i m e under t h e t u t e l a g e o f an i n f l u e n t i a l a c t i n g i n s t r u c t o r . He had a v e r y h i g h o p i n i o n o f h i s new mentor: " t h i s man was e x c e p t i o n a l . . . B r i l l i a n t man. Worked f o r t h e N a t i o n a l P o l i s h T h e a t r e f o r a v e r y l o n g t i m e . B r i l l i a n t man. And so I s t a y e d w i t h him and worked w i t h him f o r f o u r y e a r s . " Samuel had been i n t e r e s t e d i n t h e a t r e f o r a l o n g t i m e , and he no l o n g e r c o u l d r e l y on h i s p a r e n t s f i n a n c i a l l y , so he 34 c o n t i n u e d t o s t u d y a t t h e t h e a t r e s c h o o l f o r f o u r y e a r s . A c t i n g e n a b l e d him t o g a i n a t t e n t i o n b u t n o t f o r h i m s e l f , r a t h e r f o r an i d e n t i t y he p o r t r a y e d . T h i s m i r r o r e d t h e t y p e o f a t t e n t i o n he r e c e i v e d as a c h i l d w i t h h i s p a r e n t s . The a t t e n t i o n he r e c e i v e d was a b y p r o d u c t o f h i s p a r e n t s ' r o l e s . " I r e a l i z e t h a t a l o t o f p e o p l e a r e l o o k i n g f o r i d e n t i t y . They l o o k t o me sometime t o g i v e i t t o them. J u s t as t h e p e o p l e who p a i d me t o a c t b o t h on s t a g e and on camera d i d . To g i v e them an i d e n t i t y . To c r e a t e something f o r them t h a t t h e y c o u l d tune i n on and f o c u s . P e o p l e have been s t a r i n g a t me a l l my l i f e . I t ' s p a r t o f t h e n a t u r e when y o u r p a r e n t s a r e V I P s . I wasn't a VIP. I was j u s t i n tow w i t h my p a r e n t s . But I u n d e r s t o o d t h e m y s t i q u e t h a t p e o p l e a r e l o o k i n g f o r . . . t h a t ' s one o f t h e r e a s o n s I was a s u c c e s s on s t a g e . " Samuel, d e s p i t e h i s i n t e r e s t i n m i l i t a r y , p o l i c e and d i p l o m a t i c s e r v i c e was n o t w i l l i n g t o pursue a c a r e e r i n t h i s a r e a . He e n j o y e d a d i s t i n c t s t a t u s and was u n w i l l i n g t o s u b l i m a t e h i s own s e x u a l t h o u g h t s and i n t e l l e c t u a l t h o u g h t s t o t a k e o r d e r s . He l i k e d t h e a t t e n t i o n t h a t t h e outward v e s t i g e s o f a u n i f o r m gave him and t h e men i t a t t r a c t e d . " I had t h o u g h t o f a m i l i t a r y c a r e e r , b u t a f t e r my o b s e r v a t i o n s o f o t h e r p e o p l e ' s m i l i t a r y and t r a v e l l i n g , I d e c i d e d I was t o o u n d i s c i p l i n e d t o a l l o w p e o p l e t o push me around. . . Where I t h o u g h t t h e t h e a t r e would g i v e me a chance t o p l a y o u t t h e s e o t h e r r o l e s . . . . " D u r i n g t h i s t i m e , Samuel h e l d s e v e r a l p a r t t i m e j o b s t o f i n a n c e h i s s c h o o l i n g . H i s p a r e n t s ' d e p a r t u r e meant f i n a n c i a l 35 independence was a n e c e s s i t y . "So I had t o q u i c k l y f i n d a way, b e i n g i n t h e a t r e , t o s u p p o r t m y s e l f . . . I r e a l i z e d s i n c e I was i n v o l v e d i n t h e a t r e t h a t t h e e a s i e s t way f o r me t o make a l i v i n g was t o do something I was a l r e a d y d o i n g . And I was a l r e a d y s p e a k i n g . " He chose t o work f o r t e l e p h o n e companies and i n b r o a d c a s t i n g as t h e y used h i s v e r b a l and v o c a l a b i l i t i e s . A d d i t i o n a l l y , h i s p a r e n t s ' d e p a r t u r e l e f t Samuel w i t h o u t a p a s s p o r t . I n o r d e r t o t o u r w i t h h i s t h e a t r e s c h o o l i t was n e c e s s a r y f o r him t o have a p a s s p o r t . H i s p a r e n t s had made t h e m s e l v e s p e r s o n a e non g r a t a w i t h t h e i r government due t o t h e c i r c u m s t a n c e s o f t h e i r r e t i r e m e n t ; t h e r e f o r e , w i t h t h e h e l p o f an i n f l u e n t i a l man a t t h e i r embassy i n Canada, Samuel became a Canadian c i t i z e n . He was a l s o d i s i n c l i n e d t o r e t u r n t o h i s n a t i v e c o u n t r y and become t h e s t e r e o t y p e he e n v i s i o n e d . "The p o i n t o f a l l my r a m b l i n g h e r e i s t o e x p l a i n how I g o t s t u c k i n Canada. 'Cause i t r e a l l y wasn't s t u c k . A g a i n , i t was a q u e s t i o n o f c h o i c e . And c e r t a i n l y i n my c h i l d h o o d , i f I'd gone back and had t o l i v e t h e l i f e o f a l o n e l y homosexual I don't t h i n k I ' d have been v e r y happy." Samuel began h i s a c t i n g c a r e e r i n T o r o n t o b u t f e l t a l i e n a t e d t h e r e . He was d i s e n c h a n t e d w i t h t h e p e o p l e o f T o r o n t o and f e l t r e j e c t e d by what he viewed as t h e gay community. " I ne v e r f e l t t h a t I was welcome i n T o r o n t o . . . i t was a c i t y t h a t I alw a y s f e l t r e j e c t e d i n . . . .My gay a s s o c i a t i o n s t h e r e were l i m i t e d because I f e l t r e j e c t e d by t h e community b a r l i f e . " He a l s o h a t e d t h e c l i m a t e . H i s agent s u g g e s t e d t h a t he c o u l d 36 g e t a l o t o f work i n Vancouver, a c i t y Samuel had v i s i t e d and l i k e d , so Samuel moved. He was o f f e r e d a j o b and was i m m e d i a t e l y s u c c e s s f u l . He s u g g e s t s t h a t " p e o p l e h e r e embraced me i n a v e r y p o s i t i v e way." To f e e l wanted and r e s p e c t e d as an i n d i v i d u a l has p l a y e d a v e r y i m p o r t a n t p a r t i n Samuel's c a r e e r d e c i s i o n s . Throughout h i s l i f e , Samuel has c o n t i n u e d h i s l e i s u r e i n t e r e s t i n u n i f o r m s and r e g a l i a . As an a c t i v e member o f t h e American U n i f o r m A s s o c i a t i o n , he f e e l s t h i s i n t e r e s t s e t s him a p a r t from t h e gay community a t l a r g e and t h e u s u a l s e t o f s t e r e o t y p e s a s s o c i a t e d w i t h i t . He i s a b l e t o p l a y o u t a r o l e w i t h i n a community o f i n d i v i d u a l s who endorse t h i s b e h a v i o u r . He has been v e r y r e l u c t a n t t o be c a s t as an e f f e m i n a t e gay man and has c a r e f u l l y chosen h i s v e n t u r e s t o a v o i d t h i s . "My i n t e r e s t s a r e t h e k i n d o f i n t e r e s t s t h a t l a s t a l i f e t i m e . I don't t h i n k w e a r i n g plumed f e a t h e r s i n my head and p u t t i n g makeup o v e r a f i v e o ' c l o c k shadow a r e g o i n g t o h o l d me up t o my o l d age." W h i l e on v a c a t i o n i n San F r a n c i s c o , Samuel r e a c h e d a p i v o t a l p o i n t . He was twenty f i v e y e a r s o l d and a g r e a t s u c c e s s i n h i s m i l i t a r y r e g a l i a when he was o u t s o c i a l i z i n g . He p a r t i c i p a t e d i n t h e Gay P r i d e parade and p r o t e s t e d A n i t a B r y a n t and t h e B r i g g s i n i t i a t i v e . W h i l e he u s u a l l y f e l t r e p e l l e d by crowds, on t h i s o c c a s i o n he f e l t a p a r t o f i t . " I f e l t as though I had been b r o u g h t back t o a f o c u s p o i n t . I f e l t good. There were hundreds o f p e o p l e t h e r e who were gay. W i t h v e r y d i f f e r e n t v i e w p o i n t s . . . a l l k i n d s o f i n t e r e s t i n g p e o p l e . . . I f e l t c l o s e r t o whatever i t i s t h a t I am, t h a n I have e v e r f e l t . I f e l t a p a r t o f whatever t h a t was. Of whatever b e i n g gay i s . " A man t h a t he admired asked him t o make a p o r n o g r a p h i c f i l m w i t h him, and a l t h o u g h Samuel wasn't p a i d , he g a i n e d enormous s a t i s f a c t i o n from b e i n g asked. He was a c c e p t e d f o r h i m s e l f . Soon a f t e r t h i s e x p e r i e n c e , Samuel was t o u r i n g B r i t i s h C olumbia when h i s p a r e n t s d i e d . The t h e a t r e company w i t h h e l d t h e i n f o r m a t i o n from Samuel f o r f o u r months u n t i l t h e t o u r was o v e r . " I wasn't t o l d about t h e i r d e a t h u n t i l June o f t h a t y e a r . And so I d i d n ' t f e e l v e r y good about t h a t . I f e l t I c o u l d n ' t r e a l l y t r u s t t h e s e p e o p l e . . . So I came back t o Vancouver a f t e r l e a v i n g t h e t h e a t r e company i n June." A t t h i s p a r t i c u l a r p o i n t Samuel h i t a c r i s i s . He asked h i m s e l f , "What t h e h e l l am I d o i n g ? . " The r e s u l t o f h i s d e l i b e r a t i o n s was t h a t he d e c i d e d t o change c a r e e r s and e n t e r e d a c o l l e g e a r c h i t e c t u r a l d r a f t i n g c o u r s e . He no l o n g e r f e l t r e s p e c t e d i n t h e a t r e and w i t h h i s p a r e n t ' s d e a t h , he no l o n g e r had t o p l a y a t r o l e s . Once a g a i n an i n f l u e n t i a l man p l a y e d a major r o l e i n t h e development o f h i s c a r e e r p a t h . A t t h e i n s t i g a t i o n o f one o f h i s c o l l e g e i n s t r u c t o r s , he e n t e r e d a d e s i g n c o m p e t i t i o n and won a s c h o l a r s h i p t o Rye r s o n P o l y t e c h n i c a l S c h o o l i n T o r o n t o . " A g a i n some g u a r d i a n a n g e l o r l u c k . And so I d e c i d e d s i n c e I won t h a t I would f o l l o w t h r o u g h w i t h t h a t . And so I a p p l i e d and was chosen e t c e t e r a f o r R y e r s o n P o l y t e c h n i c . " W h i l e he s t i l l 38 h a t e d T o r o n t o he d e t e r m i n e d t o r e t u r n and s t u d y , s l u g g i n g i t out f o r f o u r y e a r s . " W e l l a f t e r t h e d e a t h o f my p a r e n t s and what I ' d gone t h r o u g h , i t seemed l i k e I was g o i n g t o go t h r o u g h p u r g a t o r y . " I n T o r o n t o he worked on a p a r t - t i m e b a s i s f o r s e v e r a l p r e s t i g i o u s i n t e r i o r d e s i g n houses. He t h o u g h t t h a t by c o n c e n t r a t i n g on h i s work he would a v o i d t h e same unh a p p i n e s s t h a t had o c c u r r e d e a r l i e r i n T o r o n t o . D e s p i t e h i s a t t e m p t , he s t i l l f e l t q u i t e a l i e n a t e d t h e r e . S e x u a l c o n t a c t s and r e l a t i o n s h i p s t o o k s u b o r d i n a t e r o l e s t o h i s own d e c i s i o n t o work and t o r e t u r n t o Vancouver. I n 1981 Samuel r e t u r n e d t o Vancouver and p r a c t i c e d i n t e r i o r d e s i g n f o r a l a r g e n a t i o n a l company. Three y e a r s ago he moved t o a new f i r m i n c h a rge o f t h e i r d e s i g n department. He has come f u l l c i r c l e a g a i n , t o r e t u r n t o Vancouver and r e e s t a b l i s h h i m s e l f i n a s u c c e s s f u l c a r e e r . " I t h i n k i n t h e j o b s t h a t I've had t h r o u g h o u t t h i s p e r i o d , I've c e r t a i n l y chosen gay j o b s w i t h o u t i t b e i n g s p e c i f i c a l l y a gay j o b . " Of h i s major c a r e e r c h o i c e s o f a c t i n g and i n t e r i o r d e s i g n , Samuel r e c o g n i z e s t h a t t h e y a r e o f t e n s t e r e o t y p e d as j o b s t h a t homosexuals choose. However, he i n d i c a t e s t h a t t h e r e a r e c e r t a i n advantages t o t h i s ; " n o t h i n g s e c r e t about my l i f e . My i n t e r e s t s a r e out i n t h e open, p e o p l e can see them. I don't ask p e o p l e t o a c c e p t them. They're f o r me. They're n o t f o r anybody e l s e . " He a l s o s t a t e s , " I r e a l i z e t h a t I'm t h e s t a n d a r d b e a r e r , i f you w i s h , o r u n i q u e and d i f f e r e n t , b u t t h a t ' s my t r i p and I'm l o y a l t o i t . " By c h o o s i n g h i s c a r e e r p a t h , Samuel has p e r m i t t e d h i m s e l f t h e freedom t o e x p r e s s h i s s e x u a l o r i e n t a t i o n w i t h i n t h e c o n t e x t o f h i s work environment and hope f o r l i t t l e o r no r e j e c t i o n . He was a b l e t o f e e l he was making no compromises. I n making h i s c h o i c e s , Samuel has o f t e n s t r u g g l e d w i t h a t t e m p t i n g t o be d i s t i n c t i v e w h i l e b e i n g r e c o g n i z e d as b e l o n g i n g . T h i s has been e v i d e n t from a v a r i e t y o f h i s e f f o r t s : h i s c h o i c e o f c i t i z e n s h i p , h i s r o l e i n t h e gay community, h i s f a m i l y r e l a t i o n s h i p s , and most i m p o r t a n t l y , h i s j o b c h o i c e s . Samuel has d i s c o v e r e d t h a t t h e r e i s a l i m i t a t i o n t o t h i s freedom i n h i s c a r e e r c h o i c e s , a l a c k o f a c c e p t a n c e even i n t h o s e s t e r e o t y p i c a l l y gay j o b s . "One o f t h e t h i n g s about b e i n g gay i s t h a t one i s n ' t a b l e t o s h a r e one's l i f e . The s e x u a l p a r t , p e o p l e don't want t o h e a r t h a t y o u ' r e making l o v e w i t h a b i g husky man. They don't want t o know t h a t y o u ' r e d a t i n g a cop. They're more t i t i l l a t e d by t h e sound o f t h a t r a t h e r t h a n t h e r e a l i t y t h a t y o u ' r e s h a r i n g y o u r l i f e w i t h someone. And uh, t h i s i s h a r d f o r some p e o p l e t o e x p l a i n . I t ' s one o f t h e r e a s o n s why I t h i n k gay p e o p l e , and c e r t a i n l y why f o r m y s e l f , I've a l w a y s m a i n t a i n e d a d i s t a n c e . I t had been a p r o t e c t i v e measure. A c l o a k i f you w i s h . Of k e e p i n g p e e r i n g eyes out o f my l i f e . . . . Once t h e y have t h i s i n f o r m a t i o n , t h e y don't know how t o use i t . . . . I t was m e r e l y a way f o r them t o e s t a b l i s h p r e c e d e n c e . Who's b e t t e r , who's b i g g e r . " Samuel l i m i t s i n f o r m a t i o n about h i m s e l f w h i l e a t work, t o l i m i t t h e r e j e c t i o n 40 and the p o s s i b l e homophobia. Samuel i s a l s o aware t h a t he i s i n f e c t e d w i t h the Human Immunodeficiency V i r u s . He has become a c t i v e i n a v o l u n t e e r o r g a n i z a t i o n which a s s i s t s those w i t h AIDS. T h i s has been h i s way of s h a r i n g and g i v i n g back t o the community. "I hope t o be a b l e t o c o n t i n u e t o make these c h o i c e s . I mean, I've made some c h o i c e s about my f u n e r a l , and about my w i l l and I make some p l a n s about what I'm going t o be doing next month. . . . I'm an independent person and I would l i k e t o remain independent f o r as lo n g as my h e a l t h a l l o w s me t o . " Samuel c o n t i n u e s t o frame h i s exp e r i e n c e w i t h i n h i s own adage, "the most e f f e c t i v e way t o cope w i t h change i s t o h e l p c r e a t e i t " and t h i s f u e l s h i s l e i s u r e commitments and h i s ongoing work commitments. He a l s o notes t h a t w h i l e h i s l i f e has come f u l l c i r c l e t w i c e , he i s l o o k i n g towards the f u t u r e and i s making h i s own c h o i c e s . 41 CHAPTER V I Raymond's S t o r y When I i n t e r v i e w e d Raymond he was a s e l f - e m p l o y e d f r e e l a n c e w r i t e r and had a v a r i e t y o f c o n t r a c t s and p r o j e c t s underway. He was f o r t y y e a r s o l d and l i v e d w i t h h i s l o v e r o f n e a r l y t e n y e a r s . A w e l l - e d u c a t e d man, Raymond h o l d s two M a s t e r s d e g r e e s ; one i n P o l i t i c a l S c i e n c e and a n o t h e r i n A d u l t E d u c a t i o n , as w e l l as a D o c t o r a t e i n A d u l t E d u c a t i o n . Raymond c o n s i d e r s t h a t he "backed i n t o w r i t i n g " , e s s e n t i a l l y coming t o w r i t i n g a f t e r a s e r i e s o f e x p e r i e n c e s i n r e l a t e d e d u c a t i o n a l f i e l d s . He c o n s i d e r s t h a t he a c q u i r e d most o f h i s j o b s somewhat f o r t u i t o u s l y . " I t r i e d on a l l k i n d s o f t h i n g s b e f o r e a c t u a l l y b e i n g a b l e t o c a l l m y s e l f a w r i t e r . And um, how . . . I found m y s e l f i n v a r i o u s c a r e e r s i t u a t i o n s a r e r e a l l y , um you know um, I f e e l a k i n d o f s e r e n d i p i t o u s exposure t o what was happening i n my l i f e . " A l t h o u g h Raymond v i e w s h i s j o b s as coming t o him on t h e b a s i s o f chance e n c o u n t e r s , he r e p o r t s t h a t as a y o u t h he a s p i r e d t o be a w r i t e r and has sought t o l e a r n h i s c r a f t i n whatever j o b he has had t o d a t e . He n o t e s o f h i s f i r s t j o b a f t e r g r a d u a t i n g , " I f I'm g o i n g t o make a n y t h i n g o u t o f my j o b , I'm g o i n g t o have t o w r i t e . I might as w e l l be i n t e r e s t e d i n what I'm d o i n g from a w r i t i n g p e r s p e c t i v e . And use e v e r y o p p o r t u n i t y I can t o w r i t e . " He has been a b l e t o draw a l e a r n i n g e x p e r i e n c e from each j o b he has h e l d u n t i l he r e a c h e d a g o a l w h i c h met h i s p e r s o n a l c o n c e p t o f h i m s e l f . As a t e e n a g e r , he and a c l o s e f r i e n d used t o d i s c u s s 42 l i t e r a t u r e , t h e i r i d e a s about what l i f e was, and dream o f becoming w r i t e r s . Raymond remarked i r o n i c a l l y o f h i s f r i e n d , " I t h o u g h t a t t h e t i m e he had f a r more g i f t s t o become a w r i t e r t h a n I d i d b u t I s t i l l had t h e d e s i r e and now he's t h e t e a c h e r o f E n g l i s h and d o e s n ' t do any w r i t i n g and I'm t h e w r i t e r . " T h i s i s t h e f i r s t i n d i c a t i o n t h a t Raymond had found someone t o s p u r him on i n h i s a s p i r a t i o n s and a m b i t i o n s who e v e n t u a l l y d i s a p p o i n t e d him. W h i l e h i s f r i e n d seemed t o have t h e a b i l i t y , he d i d n o t a c h i e v e t h e g o a l o f becoming a w r i t e r . I n e x p l o r i n g h i s c a r e e r o p t i o n s , Raymond had d i f f i c u l t y t e l l i n g h i s p a r e n t s what c a r e e r he c o n s i d e r e d p u r s u i n g . F o r a w h i l e , he wanted t o be a p r i e s t . He had been s i n g i n g i n t h e c h u r c h c h o i r and was under t h e g u i d a n c e o f a p r i e s t he l i k e d . " I went t h r o u g h a l o t o f d i f f e r e n t phases b u t I remember t h e f i r s t one was t h a t I r e a l l y wanted t o be a p r i e s t ( l a u g h ) . And I t h i n k a l o t o f t h a t was who I i d o l i z e d a t t h e t i m e i n my l i f e . I was t h e male soprano a t t h a t t i m e and, you know, l o c k e d onto t h e p r i e s t as a model." H i s p a r e n t s would n o t have been happy w i t h t h i s c h o i c e though. He s u g g e s t s t h a t t h e y were " p r o b a b l y shocked" by h i s n o t i o n . H i s grandmother, a p r o t e s t a n t c o n v e r t , was t o o s u s p i c i o u s o f t h e c h u r c h t o endorse t h i s p o s s i b i l i t y w i t h any e n t h u s i a s m . Raymond's n e x t i d e a was t o e n t e r d e n t i s t r y . T h i s i d e a was p r i m a r i l y due t o h i s e x p e r i e n c e w i t h h i s o r t h o d o n t i s t , a woman who was a dominant f i g u r e i n h i s l i f e a t t h e t i m e . "The n e x t i d e a I s e i z e d o n t o was becoming a d e n t i s t . And uh, t h i s l a r g e l y 43 came ou t o f t h e n e x t p e r s o n t h a t I found who was a r e a l l y dominant f i g u r e i n my l i f e . I was h a v i n g my t e e t h s t r a i g h t e n e d by a woman o r t h o d o n t i s t who made o r t h o d o n t i c s seem l i k e t h e most f u n t h i n g you c o u l d p o s s i b l y do w i t h y o u r l i f e . . . t h a t was r e c e i v e d w i t h as g r e a t news because d e n t i s t s make l o t s o f money and i n a European f a m i l y , b e i n g a p r o f e s s i o n a l who wears a w h i t e c o a t and makes l o t s o f money i s about t h e b e s t t h i n g you can do." H i s f a m i l y ' s endorsement o f h i s d e c i s i o n was an i m p o r t a n t c o n s i d e r a t i o n . When he e n r o l l e d i n u n i v e r s i t y , i t was w i t h t h e t h o u g h t t h a t he'd p u rsue d e n t i s t r y , h i s p a r e n t s h a v i n g been much more s u p p o r t i v e o f t h i s c a r e e r c h o i c e . I n t h e f i r s t y e a r o f u n i v e r s i t y , w h i l e e n r o l l e d i n a s c i e n c e program, Raymond r e a l i z e d t h a t t h e r e was some c o n f l i c t between t h e two i d e a s o f w r i t i n g and d e n t i s t r y . Of h i s s c i e n c e c u r r i c u l u m he s a y s , " t h a t wasn't what my d e e p e s t d e s i r e was . . . I wanted t o u n d e r s t a n d what I c o u l d n ' t u n d e r s t a n d and t h a t was s o c i e t y . . . t h e way t h i n g s work." He l e f t h i s s c i e n c e s program t o t a k e s o c i a l s c i e n c e c o u r s e s w h i c h came as a shock t o h i s p a r e n t s . Two c e n t r a l i s s u e s were h i g h l i g h t e d by Raymond's t a l e o f c h a n g i n g h i s f i e l d s o f s t u d y : f i r s t , a d e s i r e t o e x p l o r e h i s r e l a t i o n s h i p w i t h t h e s o c i a l m i l i e u g i v e n h i s s e x u a l o r i e n t a t i o n and, second, t h e d e s i r e t o s e p a r a t e from h i s p a r e n t s . I n d i s c u s s i n g t h i s f i r s t major c a r e e r s h i f t , Raymond s u g g e s t s t h a t i n h i n d s i g h t he may w e l l have been a t t e m p t i n g t o a d d r e s s h i s s e x u a l i t y . " I t h i n k i n r e t r o s p e c t t h a t I c o u l d see now t h a t I 44 may have been d e a l i n g a t t h e t i m e u n c o n s c i o u s l y w i t h p s y c h o s e x u a l i s s u e s . " He was h o p i n g t o u n d e r s t a n d t h e s o c i a l w o r l d and h i s p l a c e i n i t , perhaps even t o u n d e r s t a n d h i s own s e x u a l u r g e s . He e x p e c t e d t h e i s s u e o f h i s s e x u a l i t y t o loom up on him, a l t h o u g h w h i l e a t u n i v e r s i t y Raymond t o o k a v e r y p a s s i v e approach t o h i s s e x u a l i s s u e s and conduct. He s a i d , " I k i n d o f came t o t h e i d e a , l a r g e l y w i t h o u t s u p p o r t , t h a t I was supposed t o outgrow t h i s [ h o m o s e x u a l i t y ] . " I n e v a l u a t i n g h i s p e r s o n a l r e a l m , he d i d n o t conform t o any image he had o f gay men. He found no model who r e p r e s e n t e d h i s own i n t e r e s t i n a t h l e t i c s , p a r t i c u l a r l y swimming, who a l s o had a t t r a c t i o n s t o t h e same sex. " I c o n t i n u e d t o . . . d e a l i n a c l o s e t e d way and I had no r e f e r e n c e p o i n t s . The o n l y gays t h a t I knew were v e r y f l a m b o y a n t and femme . . . t h a t was a b s o l u t e l y t h e o p p o s i t e o f me . . . So t h e r e were a l o t o f t h i n g s t h a t d i d n o t g e t d e a l t w i t h i n my l i f e . " Raymond's c a r e e r s h i f t was, i n p a r t , d e f i n e d by a s e a r c h t o f i n d some answers about h i m s e l f by s e e k i n g some s o c i e t a l s t a n d a r d o r model he c o u l d compare h i m s e l f t o . I n a g r e a t many r e s p e c t s t h e t a l e o f c h a n g i n g f i e l d s o f s t u d y i s s i m i l a r t o t h e p r o g r e s s i o n o f r e v e a l i n g a homosexual i d e n t i t y t o p a r e n t s : making a r e v e l a t i o n w h i c h has been p r e v i o u s l y unacknowledged t o h i s p a r e n t s and a c t i n g on h i s r e c o g n i t i o n o f h i s d e s i r e s . By a s s e r t i n g h i s independence, h i s u n i q u e u n d e r s t a n d i n g o f h i m s e l f , he was a b l e t o a c c o m p l i s h i n d i v i d u a t i o n from h i s f a m i l y . Raymond s t a t e s , " I d i d make t h e move i n t o s o c i a l s c i e n c e s a t a huge shock t o my p a r e n t s . They d i d n ' t have t h e r e s o u r c e s t o d e a l w i t h i t . " T h i s t o o r e p l i c a t e s a r e s p o n s e young a d u l t s r e c e i v e from t h e i r p a r e n t s a t t h e d i s c l o s u r e o f t h e i r s e x u a l p r e f e r e n c e . I n t h i s manner, Raymond had a t t e m p t e d t o s e p a r a t e from h i s p a r e n t ' s s o c i a l e x p e c t a t i o n s and he was e n a b l e d t o make f u t u r e p e r s o n a l and c a r e e r d e c i s i o n s . Raymond c o n t i n u e d h i s e d u c a t i o n and r e c e i v e d a M a s t e r s degree i n p o l i t i c a l s c i e n c e s . He was i n v o l v e d h e a v i l y i n swimming and began managing a p o o l f a c i l i t y once he had com p l e t e d h i s degree. T h i s was an e x t e n s i o n o f h i s u s u a l summer j o b as a q u a t i c s d i r e c t o r . He was r e c r u i t e d s h o r t l y t h e r e a f t e r by a n o n p r o f i t h e a l t h o r g a n i z a t i o n t o p a r t i c i p a t e i n t h e i r p u b l i c e d u c a t i o n programs. The a d v i c e o f a p r o f e s s o r about t h e i n f l u e n c e o f n o n p r o f i t a g e n c i e s on p u b l i c p o l i c y encouraged Raymond t o t a k e t h e j o b o f f e r . He a l s o d e t e r m i n e d t o use e v e r y o p p o r t u n i t y i n t h e j o b t o advance h i s w r i t i n g s k i l l s . "And t h a t i s r e a l l y where I r e a l i z e d t h a t I was on a p a t h t h a t was somehow g o i n g t o i n v o l v e w r i t i n g . I never knew how I was g o i n g t o be a b l e t o d e f i n e t h a t p a t h from one move t o t h e n e x t . . . ." D e t e r m i n i n g how he would be a b l e t o d e f i n e t h a t p a t h was d i f f i c u l t as he knew no one who was f o l l o w i n g t h e same c o u r s e . He r e c o u n t s , " t h e w r i t e r s who were my age and g e t t i n g t h e i r f i r s t j o b s a t t h a t t i m e were j o u r n a l i s t s . And t h e y worked a t a pap e r and made a l o t l e s s money t h a n I d i d b e i n g an e d u c a t o r a t t h e h e a l t h o r g a n i z a t i o n . And i t seemed l i k e I was d o i n g what needed t o be done. I d i d n ' t know any f r e e l a n c e w r i t e r s a t t h a t t i m e who d i d w r i t i n g f o r e d u c a t i o n . And you know, when you 46 t h i n k about i t now, t h e y must have e x i s t e d , because l o o k a t a l l t h e t e x t b o o k s i n u n i v e r s i t y . . . . One o f t h e r e a s o n s I had such l i m i t e d r e s o u r c e s t o work w i t h as uh an agency p e r s o n , an agency e d u c a t o r , ah, a t t h a t p o i n t , was t h a t t h e r e wasn't any k i n d o f , s o r t o f , c a r v e d o ut t e r r i t o r y o f f r e e l a n c e w r i t e r . . . Whereas t h a t i s what I do now." I n t h e new j o b Raymond t r a v e l l e d a g r e a t d e a l . I n f a c t he was g i v e n t h e a r e a he'd grown up i n as a major p o r t i o n o f h i s r o u t e . H i s s u p e r i o r s f e l t t h a t by s e n d i n g Raymond t h e y c o u l d a s s u r e some degree o f a c c e p t a n c e f o r t h e work t h e y were d o i n g . However, r e t u r n i n g as an educ a t e d man s p o r t i n g d e g r e e s from d i s t a n t u n i v e r s i t i e s worked a g a i n s t him. The p e o p l e r e j e c t e d him. "And i t was t h o u g h t t h a t I c o u l d d e a l w i t h a l o t o f d i f f i c u l t i e s t h a t t h e y were h a v i n g d e a l i n g w i t h t h a t a r e a from T o r o n t o . That I might be seen as one o f t h e i r own. W e l l t h e r e was no way someone w i t h a M a s t e r ' s degree . . . I f a n y t h i n g I was a t u r n c o a t . . . I l e f t t h e r e and now I was coming back t r y i n g t o t e l l them what t o do." I t was w h i l e he was t o u r i n g h i s r o u t e and f a c i n g t h i s r e j e c t i o n t h a t Raymond came t o know an i n f l u e n t i a l man who he l a t e r r e a l i z e d was gay. He f r e q u e n t l y r e l i e d on t h e man's wisdom and s u p p o r t t o do h i s j o b . When t h e man was r e v e a l e d t o be m i s r e p r e s e n t i n g h i m s e l f , Raymond was shaken. He q u e s t i o n e d h i s v e r y a b i l i t y t o do h i s j o b : 47 I a l s o had some i n c i d e n t s w h i c h were q u i t e s c a r y . I n t h e f i r s t y e a r o f work I was t r e m e n d o u s l y i n f l u e n c e d by a man who worked a t a u n i v e r s i t y phys. ed. department and he was t h e coach o f t h e swim team who d i d a l o t o f f r e e l a n c e t r a i n i n g f o r t h e agency. A t one p o i n t I d i s c o v e r e d t h a t he was homosexual, i n a r e a l l y odd k i n d o f way, i n t h a t we were t r a v e l l i n g t o g e t h e r t h r o u g h t h e N o r t h o f t h e p r o v i n c e and he was met by um h i s c u r r e n t s e x u a l p a r t n e r . He was q u i t e a young man; 17, 18 y e a r o l d man. I was about 23, 22 o r 23 a t t h e t i m e . He would have been about 27 a t t h e t i m e . We were s l e e p i n g i n t h e same h o t e l room t o g e t h e r and t h i s t h i r d man showed up. E v i d e n t l y h i t c h h i k i n g t o Vancouver. I t h o u g h t t h e y were h a v i n g sex t o g e t h e r . I r e a l l y must say t h a t t h i s was so odd t o me because I r e p r e s s e d a l l t h i s s t u f f t h a t had gone on as a t e e n a g e r t o t h e p o i n t where i t was l i k e a rude awakening t h a t a d u l t s were h a v i n g same sex a c t i v i t y t o g e t h e r . And why d i d n ' t I know about t h i s . I t k i n d o f shook me up. I t shook me up i n such a way t h a t t h e n e x t morning I r e a l l y wondered whether i t had a c t u a l l y happened o r whether i t was a dream. . . . I g o t up t h e n e x t morning and I had t o meet somebody and d e a l w i t h t h i s as i f n o t h i n g had happened anyways. . . But i n any c a s e t h i s v e r y i n f l u e n t i a l man i n my 48 l i f e had a l s o l e t on o r i n t i m a t e d i n some way t h a t he was a p r o f e s s o r a t a r e p u t a b l e u n i v e r s i t y . And I t h i n k t h a t he d i d a number o f t h i n g s h e r e w h i c h were more t h a n i n t i m a t e . I t h i n k t h a t what he a l s o d i d he began t o c r e a t e a k i n d o f i m p r e s s i o n amongst us t h a t he was w r i t i n g h i s d i s s e r t a t i o n w i t h none o t h e r t h a n A l v i n T o f f l e r a t an I v y l e a g u e U n i v e r s i t y i n t h e S t a t e s . W e l l , I met somebody who a l s o d i d work w i t h agency, who a l s o worked a t t h e u n i v e r s i t y he s a i d he was t e a c h i n g a t . She had t a k e n a c o n t r a c t p o s i t i o n and she had made some v e r y i m p o r t a n t d i s c o v e r i e s about t h i s guy. Who no t o n l y was he not a p r o f e s s o r , b a s i c a l l y he was t h e a s s i s t a n t p o o l manager who a l s o had t a k e n on r e s p o n s i b i l i t y f o r b e i n g coach o f t h e swim team. One way o r a n o t h e r he b u i l t t h i s k i n d o f i d e n t i t y , t h a t he was a p r o f e s s o r and a l l t h i s s o r t o f s t u f f . I guess he'd a l s o been e m b e z z l i n g t h e department. And one way o r a n o t h e r e v e r y t h i n g was c a t c h i n g up t o him. T h i s woman was t h e f i r s t t o blow t h e w h i s t l e f o r me on him. I went back t o t h e c i t y t o t h e s h o c k i n g d i s c o v e r y t h a t he'd l e f t h i s p o s i t i o n a t u n i v e r s i t y , a p p l i e d f o r a s e n i o r p o s i t i o n a t t h e agency and g o t i t . I came t o t e l l my boss what I'd h e a r d and he d i d n ' t b e l i e v e me. He t h o u g h t t h a t I ' d made up t h e whole t h i n g , you know. W e l l t h i s guy s u r v i v e d t h e f i r s t wave o f p e o p l e d i s c o v e r i n g what had gone on a t t h e u n i v e r s i t y and e v e n t u a l l y e v e r y t h i n g caught up t o him and he was b a s i c a l l y f o r c e d by h i s own s t a f f t o r e s i g n . A y e a r and a h a l f a f t e r b e i n g i n t e n s e l y i n v o l v e d w i t h t h i s man a t work, he committed s u i c i d e i n a v e r y v i o l e n t way. And he was gone. I j u s t c a n ' t t e l l you how t h i s shocked me t o my v e r y r o o t s , you know. That f i r s t a d u l t homosexual who I knew and l i k e d i n a t o t a l l y o t h e r i d e n t i t y t h a n he p r e s e n t e d h i m s e l f and not o n l y do I f i n d o u t t h a t he's p o s s i b l y p s y c h o t i c b u t w i t h i n t h e s h o r t t i m e a f t e r t h a t d i s c o v e r y , he's dead. . .. So h e r e I was i n t h e m i d s t o f a l l t h i s , I c o u l d t h i n k o f n o t h i n g e l s e b u t g e t t i n g o ut o f t h e agency. T h i s e x p e r i e n c e b r o u g h t Raymond t o a c r i s i s p o i n t w h i c h was r e f l e c t e d i n h i s c a r e e r . H i s s e a r c h f o r a mentor o r model who r e p r e s e n t e d an i d e a l and a i d e d Raymond's p r o f e s s i o n a l growth had b r o u g h t him t o a man who was l y i n g . W h i l e h i s model's f a c a d e was e r e c t e d n o t t o h i d e h i s h o m o s e x u a l i t y b u t h i s l a c k o f p r o f e s s i o n a l q u a l i f i c a t i o n s , Raymond l e a r n e d t h e d r a m a t i c l e s s o n t h a t h i d i n g t h e t r u t h can be one's d o w n f a l l . W h i l e t h i s i n c i d e n t had no d i r e c t b e a r i n g on Raymond's own a t t i t u d e t oward h i s s e x u a l o r i e n t a t i o n , t h e impact o f a n o t h e r gay man b r e a k i n g h i s t r u s t shook him t o t h e c o r e o f h i s b e i n g . T h i s t i m e o f c r i s i s s p u r r e d Raymond t o seek a n o t h e r j o b . He c o u l d t h i n k o f no o t h e r r e c o u r s e t h a n l e a v i n g t h e o r g a n i z a t i o n . 50 " I c o u l d t h i n k o f n o t h i n g e l s e b u t g e t t i n g o u t o f t h e agency . . . I c a n ' t t e l l you how d i f f i c u l t i t was . . . a t t h e t i m e i t seemed l i k e t h e most i m p o r t a n t t h i n g f o r me t o do was t o move out o f t h e r e . . . I was a p p l y i n g everywhere, d o i n g e v e r y t h i n g t h a t I t h o u g h t I c o u l d do t o t r y t o g e t out o f t h e r e . " He q u e s t i o n e d h i s a b i l i t i e s and f e l t he was incompetent when h i s s u p p o r t was e l i m i n a t e d . He f e l t i l l e q uipped t o do h i s j o b : " I f e l t I was i n t r o u b l e , t h a t I c o u l d n ' t cope w i t h my o r g a n i z a t i o n a l r e s p o n s i b i l i t i e s , t h a t I needed a l o t more t r a i n i n g t o do what I needed t o do." H i s f a i l u r e t o l o c a t e a n o t h e r j o b d i m i n i s h e d h i s esteem; " i n v o l v e m e n t i n swimming hadn't a n y t h i n g t o do w i t h t h e r e s t o f t h e w o r l d . P e o p l e d i d n ' t see t h e way. . .1 d i d . " Raymond was s t r i v i n g a t t h e t i m e t o m a i n t a i n some f e e l i n g o f c o n t r o l i n a s i t u a t i o n t h a t was q u i t e o u t s i d e h i s domain. I n an a t t e m p t t o f i n d s u p p o r t w i t h i n h i s agency, Raymond sought t h e a d v i c e o f a w e l l r e s p e c t e d s e n i o r e x e c u t i v e . I t was h i s hope t h a t t h e e x e c u t i v e would be a mentor t o him. The e x e c u t i v e s u g g e s t e d t h a t he e n r o l i n an A d u l t E d u c a t i o n program and complete a second m a s t e r s degree. The p o s i t i v e r e l a t i o n s h i p between Raymond and t h e e x e c u t i v e was a s h o r t l i v e d , however, as one day i n t h e o f f i c e t h e e x e c u t i v e make a s e x u a l advance towards him. "Uh, wouldn't you know i t , t h i s guy g r a b s my c r o t c h i n t h e m i d d l e o f t h e o f f i c e one day. You know, s u d d e n l y t h i s guy who I'm t r y i n g t o have t h i s mentor r e l a t i o n s h i p w i t h i s . . .. And t h i s s e t me o f f as w e l l as even made me want t o g e t o u t o f [ t h e agency] even more." 51 G i v e n t h a t h i s e f f o r t s t o f i n d a a n o t h e r j o b were f a i l i n g , Raymond d i d t a k e t h e a d v i c e o f t h e e x e c u t i v e and r e t u r n e d t o s c h o o l . Raymond worked on h i s second M a s t e r ' s degree on a p a r t t i m e b a s i s w h i l e c o n t i n u i n g t o work a t t h e agency. As he hadn't made any headway i n t r y i n g t o l e a v e t h e agency, he f e l t t h a t t h i s m i g h t g e t him t h e r e s o u r c e s he needed. The e m o t i o n a l c r i s i s t r a n s p o s e d d i r e c t l y t o h i s c a r e e r , making t h e d e c i s i o n t o l e a v e , f a i l i n g i n h i s e f f o r t s , and t h e n r e t u r n i n g t o s c h o o l . He at t e m p t e d i n s e v e r a l ways t o s t a b i l i z e h i s sense o f p e r s o n a l competence. I t was a l s o d u r i n g t h i s t i m e t h a t economic c o n s i d e r a t i o n s came i n t o e f f e c t . A major downturn i n t h e economy made s e a r c h i n g o u t s i d e t h e o r g a n i z a t i o n even more d i f f i c u l t . W h i l e Raymond co m p l e t e d t h e degree, he was promoted w i t h i n t h e agency. A t t h e new l e v e l i n t h e o r g a n i z a t i o n Raymond was r e l i e v e d t o l e a v e b e h i n d him t h e t a i n t o f h i s c o l l e a g u e ' s d e a t h . He was n o t s a t i s f i e d w i t h f e e l i n g t h e i n s e c u r i t y o f h i s p o s i t i o n . " I was f a c e d a g a i n w i t h shaky ground, um t h a t uh i f I wasn't c a r e f u l my j o b would be o b s o l e t e . " He n o t e d t h a t t h e most s e c u r e p e o p l e i n t h e agency h e l d d o c t o r a t e s ; c o n s e q u e n t l y i n o r d e r t o s t a b i l i z e h i s own p o s i t i o n he would need t o do a d o c t o r a t e . " I t was p a t e n t l y o b v i o u s t o me under t h o s e s o r t s o f w o r k i n g s i t u a t i o n s t h a t uh o b v i o u s l y t h e most p o w e r f u l p e o p l e i n t h e o r g a n i z a t i o n a t t h a t t i m e were Ph. D.s." He e n t e r e d t h e degree program on a p a r t t i m e b a s i s a t f i r s t and o n l y l e f t t h e agency when he needed t o comp l e t e h i s r e s i d e n c y f u l l t i m e . 52 P r i o r t o l e a v i n g t h e agency he had g a i n e d a p e r s p e c t i v e on how he might be a b l e t o u t i l i z e h i s w r i t i n g s k i l l s as a f r e e l a n c e w r i t e r . B e f o r e l e a v i n g he had been i n t h e p o s i t i o n t o h i r e w r i t e r s once he had o u t l i n e d t h e m a t e r i a l s needed. " I was s e e i n g t h a t i t c o u l d be v e r y i n t e r e s t i n g and e x c i t i n g t o c o n t i n u e b e i n g a b l e t o work t h e s e r o p e s i n o t h e r o r g a n i z a t i o n s a f t e r I ' d f i n i s h e d my Ph. D." T h i s e n a b l e d him t o have t h e i n f o r m a t i o n he r e q u i r e d f i n a l l y t o make h i s d e p a r t u r e from t h e agency. Graduate s c h o o l q u i c k l y e n v e l o p e d Raymond. I t gave him "freedom from a l l t h e work network t h a t [he] had been i n . " I t became h i s p l a y g r o u n d i n wh i c h t o r e f o r m h i s l i f e . He was a l s o aware t h a t h i s s e x u a l i t y was p r e s e n t i n g i t s e l f as a more p r e s s i n g i s s u e . He had a v a r i e t y o f a r o u s i n g e n c o u n t e r s , p a r t i c u l a r l y a t t h e p o o l and was so u n c o m f o r t a b l e w i t h t h e s e e x p e r i e n c e s t h a t he gave up swimming f o r some t i m e . However, he found u n i v e r s i t y t o be "mind e x p a n d i n g and l i f e l i b e r a t i n g , " and i t gave him h i s f i r s t o p p o r t u n i t y t o a d d r e s s h i s c o n c e r n s more d i r e c t l y . I n h i s c l a s s e s he met a man, S c o t t , who was v e r y open about h i s h o m o s e x u a l i t y and was s t u d y i n g s e x u a l i s s u e s as t h e y p e r t a i n e d t o a d u l t e d u c a t i o n . S c o t t was outspoken i n c l a s s and had a s o c i a l network w h i c h i n t r i g u e d Raymond. " I k i n d [ o f ] came t o see S c o t t , unbeknownst t o him t o t a l l y , you know, k i n d o f saw him t o be [ t h e ] i d e a l gay man." Raymond sought o u t S c o t t ' s s o c i a l group, f i n d i n g t h e i r p e r s p e c t i v e s an " a n t i d o t e " t o t h e p o l i t i c s o f t h e department. S c o t t would i n v i t e Raymond t o gay d i s c u s s i o n groups a l t h o u g h Raymond wouldn't a t t e n d . U n l i k e many p r e v i o u s e n c o u n t e r s Raymond had w i t h o t h e r gay men, S c o t t ' s advances were n o t v i o l a t i n g . When S c o t t l e f t t o go t o A s i a , Raymond s u d d e n l y d i s c o v e r e d t h e e m o t i o n a l gap h i s d e p a r t u r e l e f t . "He s u d d e n l y l e f t t h e i n s t i t u t e [and] t h e r e was a b i g h o l e t h e r e t h a t t h e r e was somebody who I had s o r t [ o f ] been c l i n g i n g t o . " Raymond had come t o t h e c o m p l e t i o n o f h i s t h e s i s and was c e l e b r a t i n g when, q u i t e by s u r p r i s e , a woman who was l o o k i n g f o r a s p e c i a l t y program w r i t e r was i n t r o d u c e d t o him. He a p p l i e d f o r t h e j o b and g o t i t . The j o b would e n a b l e him t o t r a v e l , and he th o u g h t i t would a f f o r d him an o p p o r t u n i t y t o engage i n s e x u a l a c t i v i t y . He s t a t e s , " I d e c i d e d t h i s t i m e I'm g o i n g t o use t h i s t r a v e l . . . I used one o f my t r i p s o v e r t h e r e and uh one way o r a n o t h e r I uh I uh met up w i t h a guy and uh I came o u t . " He used t h e o p p o r t u n i t y t o v i s i t gay f r i e n d s i n H a l i f a x t o o p e n l y i d e n t i f y h i m s e l f as a gay man and i n t e r a c t i n t h e gay community. The e x p e r i e n c e o f h a v i n g met a gay man who a d e q u a t e l y modeled t h e c h a r a c t e r i s t i c s Raymond found i n h i m s e l f f a c i l i t a t e d t h i s f i n a l s t e p . He had e n t e r e d an environment w h i c h he f e l t was l e s s r e s t r i c t i v e , and he was f r e e o f t h e s o c i a l e x p e c t a t i o n s o f h i s p r e v i o u s c o l l e a g u e s a t t h e agency. A d d i t i o n a l l y , as a s e l f -employed c o n s u l t a n t he f e l t he had g r e a t e r agency t o r e v e a l h i s s e x u a l i t y . W h i l e i n t h e p r e v i o u s j o b s he'd h e l d he f e l t he had no c o n t r o l , he now f e l t he c o n t r o l l e d t h e s i t u a t i o n . " T h i s was t o t a l l y t h e o p p o s i t e o f t h e agency where I j u s t f i n d m y s e l f moved from one s o c i a l t h i n g t o a n o t h e r . You know, where I j u s t l e t everybody e l s e c o n t r o l t h e s i t u a t i o n . . . I ' m j u s t t h e r e t o 54 s e r v e . . . T h i s s i t u a t i o n I f e l t e n t i r e l y d i f f e r e n t about i t . Raymond, t h i s i s my s i t u a t i o n . " When he co m p l e t e d h i s c o n t r a c t he began t o e s t a b l i s h h i m s e l f as a c o n s u l t a n t u s i n g h i s o l d agency c o n t a c t s t o pursue work. I t had been v e r y i m p o r t a n t f o r him t o g a t h e r t h a t i n f o r m a t i o n p r i o r t o l e a v i n g t h e agency and now he was a b l e t o employ i t t o h i s b e n e f i t . A f t e r S c o t t r e t u r n e d from A s i a , Raymond and he f o r t u i t o u s l y met a g a i n and began a r e l a t i o n s h i p . W i t h t h e c o n t i n u i n g economic r e c e s s i o n , Raymond found i t d i f f i c u l t t o f i n d work i n T o r o n t o but d i d c o n t i n u e t o f r e e l a n c e . Raymond b r i e f l y worked i n h o s p i t a l management when work became e x c e p t i o n a l l y d i f f i c u l t t o f i n d . He l e f t t h e h o s p i t a l a f t e r o n l y a s h o r t t i m e when he found t h e s t a f f u n r e c e p t i v e t o h i s s u g g e s t i o n s . He a l s o found i t d i f f i c u l t t o engage s o c i a l l y w i t h i n t h e work c o n t e x t as a r e s u l t o f h i s ong o i n g r e l a t i o n s h i p w i t h S c o t t . Raymond, h a v i n g e x p e r i e n c e d t h e l i b e r a t i n g environment o f t h e u n i v e r s i t y and t h e a c c e p t a n c e o f h i s s e x u a l i t y , seemed r e l u c t a n t t o r e t u r n t o more r e p r e s s i v e e n v i r o n m e n t s . The s t r u c t u r e d work environment would n ot o n l y l i m i t h i s o p p o r t u n i t y t o w r i t e b u t a l s o t o e x p r e s s h i s s e x u a l o r i e n t a t i o n . H a v i n g l e a r n e d t h e t r a g i c l e s s o n o f t h e f i r s t gay man he had known, he was r e l u c t a n t t o b u i l d a r e s t r i c t i v e f a c a d e . C o n s e q u e n t l y , he d e c i d e d t o m a i n t a i n h i s se l f - e m p l o y m e n t . D u r i n g t h i s d i f f i c u l t t i m e , t h e r e was a v e r y b i t t e r w i n t e r w h i c h encouraged Raymond and S c o t t t o move westward. A f t e r a v i s i t t o Vancouver, he and S c o t t d e c i d e d t o move t h e r e . Raymond 55 c o n t i n u e s as a s e l f employed f r e e l a n c e w r i t e r u s i n g a s e r i e s o f n a t i o n a l c o n t a c t s made d u r i n g h i s employment a t t h e h e a l t h agency. He i s l o o k i n g f o r w a r d i n h i s c a r e e r and i s e x p l o r i n g o t h e r a r e a s o f w r i t i n g o p p o r t u n i t i e s . 56 CHAPTER V I I G e n e r a l s t o r y The i n t e r v i e w e r o b t a i n e d d e s c r i p t i v e n a r r a t i v e s w h i c h were s u b s e q u e n t l y v a l i d a t e d by each o f t h e t h r e e s t u d y p a r t i c i p a n t s . The n a r r a t i v e were c o a l e s c e d i n t o a u n i f i e d s t o r y w h i c h i l l u s t r a t e s t h e c r i t i c a l e lements o f t h e n a r r a t i v e s . These elements r e p r e s e n t t h e p r o c e s s o f c a r e e r development t h a t each s t u d y p a r t i c i p a n t e x p e r i e n c e d . A s t o r y , as i t i s c o n s i d e r e d i n t h i s s t u d y , i s c o m p r i s e d o f t h r e e e s s e n t i a l components: a b e g i n n i n g , a m i d d l e and an end. I t i s r e c i t e d by t h e n a r r a t o r t o i n d i c a t e a problem, i s s u e o r c o n c e r n t h a t i s t o be a d d r e s s e d and r e s o l v e d i n some manner. The b e g i n n i n g o f t h e s t o r y , t h e r e f o r e , i n t r o d u c e s t h e problem from t h e p e r s p e c t i v e o f a t e m p o r a l p o s i t i o n a t t h e p o i n t o f c o n c l u s i o n o r r e s o l u t i o n . S a r t r e (1938) i d e n t i f i e s t h i s paradox i n s t o r y t e l l i n g : "You seem t o s t a r t a t t h e b e g i n n i n g . . . And i n r e a l i t y you have s t a r t e d a t t h e end. I t was t h e r e , i n v i s i b l e and p r e s e n t , i t i s t h e one wh i c h g i v e s t o words t h e pomp and v a l u e o f a b e g i n n i n g . . .the end i s t h e r e , t r a n s f o r m i n g e v e r y t h i n g . " The s t o r y b e g i n s w i t h t h e c o n s i d e r a t i o n o f t h e p o s s i b i l i t y o f change p r e e x i s t i n g i n t h e n a r r a t o r ' s mind (p.40) . The r o u t e between t h e i n t r o d u c t i o n o f t h e problem and i t s r e s o l u t i o n c o n s t i t u t e s t h e m i d d l e o f t h e s t o r y and i n d i c a t e s t h e v a r i o u s d e l i b e r a t i o n s and t r i a l s e n c o u n t e r e d a l o n g t h e p a t h . The m i d d l e r e l a t e s t h e r e a s o n s f o r t h e outcome o r c o n c l u s i o n o f t h e s t o r y ; i t can a l s o i n d i c a t e t h e r e a l m o f p o s s i b i l i t i e s 57 e n c o u n t e r e d d u r i n g t h e p r o c e s s o f r e s o l o l u t i o n and j u s t i f i c a t i o n f o r n o t s e l e c t i n g t h o s e a l t e r n a t e c o u r s e s . The m i d d l e o f t h e s t o r y s e e k s t o b r i d g e t h e d i s p a r i t y between t h e problem a t t h e b e g i n n i n g and t h e a n t i c i p a t e d c o n c l u s i o n a t t h e end o f t h e s t o r y . I n o r d e r t o be s a t i s f y i n g t o b o t h t h e i n d i v i d u a l r e c o u n t i n g t h e t a l e and t h e a u d i e n c e , t h e end o f t h e s t o r y must p r o v i d e r e s o l u t i o n t o t h e c o n c e r n i n d i c a t e d a t t h e b e g i n n i n g . I t a l s o s e r v e s t o p r o v i d e t h e f i n a l j u s t i f i c a t i o n f o r t h e c u r r e n t p o s i t i o n e s t a b l i s h e d from w h i c h f u t u r e p e r s p e c t i v e s may be t a k e n . The end u n i f i e s t h e p r o g r e s s i o n o f t h e problem and i t s p o s s i b l e s o l u t i o n s t o a f i n a l r e c o n c i l i a t i o n o f t h e i s s u e . I n s o l i c i t i n g t h e p a r t i c i p a t i o n i n t h i s s t u d y , t h e i n t e r v i e w e r made t h e i d e n t i f i c a t i o n o f a i s s u e . R e c o u n t i n g o f a s t o r y would n o t have been p o s s i b l e , however, i f t h e r e were n o t b o t h a mutual r e c o g n i t i o n o f t h e i s s u e and a t e m p o r a l i n d i c a t i o n o f an e n d p o i n t o r r e s o l u t i o n . The s t o r i e s t o l d by t h e t h r e e p a r t i c i p a n t s i n t h i s s t u d y were abundant and each s t o r y i n d i c a t e d some c o n c l u s i o n . H a v i n g r e a c h e d t h e end o f t h e i r n a r r a t i v e s , each i n d i v i d u a l a l s o made remarks as a f i n a l a s i d e . When each n a r r a t o r had c o n c l u d e d h i s s t o r y and i n d i c a t e d a s u c c e s s f u l r e s o l u t i o n o f t h e i s s u e , he a d d r e s s e d an e p i l o g u e t o t h e i n t e r v i e w e r . The e p i l o g u e i n t h e s t o r y s e r v e s t o make a f i n a l summation o f t h e a c t i o n o f t h e s t o r y , i n d i c a t i n g t h e l e s s o n o f t h e t a l e . The e p i l o g u e a l l o w s t h e i n t e r v i e w e r t o come away from t h e e x p e r i e n c e w i t h a s y n o p s i s commenting on t h e o v e r a l l p r o c e s s o f t h e s t o r y - t e l l i n g 58 o r f u t u r e p r o s p e c t s f o r t h e c h a r a c t e r s . The s t o r i e s examined i n t h i s r e s e a r c h , by v i r t u e o f t h e i r common f e a t u r e s , u n i f y i n t o a g e n e r a l s t o r y w h i c h can p r o v i d e t h e means o f r e s o l v i n g t h e common i s s u e o f making c a r e e r d e c i s i o n s as a gay man. Each s t o r y has as i t s c e n t r a l o r g a n i z i n g f e a t u r e s , a b e g i n n i n g , m i d d l e , and end as w e l l as an e p i l o g u e . These f e a t u r e s p r o v i d e t h e s t r u c t u r e from w h i c h t h e r e s e a r c h e r g e n e r a t e s a g e n e r a l s t o r y f o c u s s i n g on t h e s i n g l e i s s u e . The B e g i n n i n g I n Western S o c i e t y t h e n o t i o n o f w o r k i n g and b e i n g s e l f s u p p o r t i n g i s c o n f e r r e d e a r l y on i n a c h i l d ' s development. Through a p a t t e r n o f l e a r n i n g , b o t h m o d e l l e d b e h a v i o r and d i d a c t i c i n s t r u c t i o n , c h i l d r e n a r e t a u g h t t o e x p l o r e t h e i r own a b i l i t i e s and i n t e r e s t s , and t h e work p o s s i b i l i t i e s o f f e r e d by t h e s o c i a l w o r l d . There a r e o f t e n s e v e r e s o c i a l s t r i c t u r e s on t h o s e who do n o t a c t i v e l y p u r sue a p a t h towards a d e s i g n a t e d c a r e e r p a t h . The r e a l m o f c h o i c e s i s l i m i t e d by t h e s o c i a l e n v i r o n m e n t , as w e l l as t h e c u l t u r a l and f a m i l y m i l i e u . Borow (1984, p.161) r e f e r s t o t h i s p r o c e s s as " o c c u p a t i o n a l s o c i a l i z a t i o n " and d e f i n e s i t as " t h e i n t r i c a t e b i r t h t o d e a t h p r o c e s s by w h i c h one a c q u i r e s one's v i e w o f t h e human w o r l d and i t s i n s t i t u t i o n s , one's b e l i e f s , l o y a l t i e s , c o n v i c t i o n s o f r i g h t and wrong, and h a b i t u a l r e s p o n s e modes. The l e a r n i n g i s b o t h 59 formal and informal, deliberate and in c i d e n t a l , conscious and unconscious." This process distinguishes the i n d i v i d u a l within the c u l t u r a l context and influences the career behaviour of that i n d i v i d u a l . This process i s i n i t i a l l y described i n the narrative of career development by the three p a r t i c i p a n t s . They d e t a i l a host of s o c i a l influences i n establishing t h e i r career p o s s i b i l i t i e s . The men also indicate i n the beginning of t h e i r s t o r i e s that they have a theme and structure which guide the t e l l i n g and impress on the l i s t e n e r the relevance of the content. The men demonstrate that as they came into contact with r o l e models embodying s i m i l a r values to the ones they were recognizing i n themselves, they determined t h e i r career p o s s i b i l i t i e s more f u l l y . The family has an extensive impact on the development of a c h i l d including work and work related values. I t provides a s o c i a l structure which allows the c h i l d to come into contact with adults engaged i n work. This process r e s t r i c t s the type of information the c h i l d has about job p o s s i b i l i t i e s usually i n r e l a t i o n to socioeconomic parameters (Herr and Cramer, 1987). The family's s o c i a l context provides a t a c i t i n d i c a t i o n to the c h i l d of suitable career options. When parents choose to t r a v e l , they provide the c h i l d with an opportunity to meet a va r i e t y of people from d i f f e r e n t regions and also indicate the a c c e p t a b i l i t y of t r a v e l l i n g i n one's career. Samuel r e f l e c t s : "I had a great advantage of t r a v e l as a c h i l d . I t enabled me to look at many ways and many l i f e s t y l e s . " I f parents hold professional 60 p o s i t i o n s t h e c h i l d i s exposed t o more p r o f e s s i o n a l r o l e s and i s more l i k e l y t o see them as p o s s i b i l i t i e s ( C l a r k , 1967; F r e i s e n , 1986; H o t c h k i s s & Borow, 1984; S c h u l b e r g , Vondracek, & C r o u t e r , 1984). F a m i l i e s a l s o o v e r t l y r e i n f o r c e c h o i c e by p r o v i d i n g p o s i t i v e comments about c h o i c e s t h a t a r e a c c e p t a b l e and n e g a t i v e a p p r a i s a l s o f t h o s e o c c u p a t i o n s w h i c h a r e n o t . Becoming a p r i e s t m i g h t p r o v e o b j e c t i o n a b l e , w h i l e becoming a d e n t i s t might be seen as a p r e f e r a b l e a l t e r n a t i v e . Raymond and Samuel e x p e r i e n c e d b o t h p a r e n t s ' e x p l i c i t r e i n f o r c e m e n t o f c h o i c e s as w e l l as t h e i r i n d i r e c t i n f l u e n c e . They d e s c r i b e t h e f a m i l y environment c a r e f u l l y t o i n d i c a t e i t s i n f l u e n c e on t h e r e a l m o f o c c u p a t i o n a l p o s s i b i l i t i e s t h e y e x p l o r e d . Raymond r e c o u n t s , " a l t h o u g h t h e y were p r o b a b l y shocked because my grandmother had changed from b e i n g a c a t h o l i c t o b e i n g a p r o t e s t a n t . -. . whereas i t would have been e m i n e n t l y more d e s i r a b l e i n a c a t h o l i c f a m i l y t o have a p r i e s t as a t l e a s t one o f t h e g r a n d c h i l d r e n . " He goes on f u r t h e r t o n o t e t h a t c h a n g i n g h i s mind t o d e n t i s t r y "was r e c e i v e d as g r e a t news because d e n t i s t s make l o t s o f money and i n a European f a m i l y b e i n g a p r o f e s s i o n a l who wears a w h i t e c o a t and makes money i s about t h e b e s t t h a t you can do." R e c e i v i n g t h e a f f i r m a t i o n from t h e i r f a m i l i e s w i t h r e g a r d t o j o b p o s s i b i l i t i e s was i m p o r t a n t t o b o t h Samuel and Raymond a t t h e p o i n t o f t h e i r i n i t i a l c a r e e r e x p l o r a t i o n . The f a m i l y may not p r o v i d e s t r u c t u r e and g u i d a n c e i n s e l e c t i n g a c a r e e r . F a m i l i e s whose members s t r u g g l e t o h o l d 61 j o b s , have d i s a b i l i t i e s l i m i t i n g t h e i r p a r t i c i p a t i o n i n t h e work f o r c e , have l i m i t e d c o n t a c t w i t h t h e c h i l d , as w e l l as a h o s t o f o t h e r r e a s o n s , l e a v e t h e i r impact on t h e development o f a c h i l d ' s work v a l u e s and knowledge o f employment o p t i o n s . I n t h e s e i n s t a n c e s t h e c a r e e r development may n o t be d e f i n e d i n terms o f t h e p a r e n t s ' p a r t i c i p a t i o n i n t h e d e c i s i o n s towards a d e s i g n a t e d c a r e e r p a t h . P o s s i b l y an i n d i v i d u a l does n o t use f a m i l y r e l a t i o n s h i p s and i n t e r a c t i o n s t o d e f i n e p e r s o n a l development. F a m i l y may n o t be t h e c o n c e p t around w h i c h meaning i s s t r u c t u r e d . I n terms o f Doug's c a r e e r development b o t h o f t h e s e c o n s i d e r a t i o n s h o l d t r u e . He does n o t r e l a t e h i s c a r e e r development t o h i s f a m i l y h i s t o r y nor t h e i r i n f l u e n c e . The absence o f t h e r o l e o f h i s f a m i l y i n Doug's s t o r y d e f i n e s t h e c a r e e r as n o t e w o r t h i l y as Raymond and Samuel's f a m i l y d e s c r i p t i o n h i g h l i g h t t h e i r development. Doug i n d i c a t e s a t t h e o n s e t o f h i s s t o r y t h a t he s t r u g g l e s t o d e f i n e a c a r e e r d i r e c t i o n and t h a t d e t e r m i n i n g i t s f o c u s i s h i s i n d i v i d u a l r e s p o n s i b i l i t y . The work o f V i r g i n i a S a t i r (1983) g i v e s s u p p o r t t o t h i s i n d i c a t i o n i n t h e n a r r a t i v e s t h a t t h e f a m i l y i s a fundamental o f c a r e e r p r o c e s s . I n S a t i r ' s t erms, "The f a m i l y system i s t h e main l e a r n i n g c o n t e x t f o r i n d i v i d u a l b e h a v i o r , t h o u g h t s , f e e l i n g s " ( p . 3 5 ) , and she goes on f u r t h e r t o i n d i c a t e t h a t , "The p a r e n t s , who t e a c h by words and d e m o n s t r a t i o n , a r e t h e ones who t r a n s l a t e t o t h e c h i l d t h e major meaning w h i c h o u t s i d e f o r c e s w i l l have t o t h e f a m i l y " (p. 3 6 ) . P a r e n t s p l a y a p i v o t a l r o l e i n d e t e r m i n i n g t h e c a r e e r whether t h e y t a k e an a c t i v e p a r t i n t h e c h i l d ' s 62 deliberations or not. Also, each of the men gives consideration to the s i g n i f i c a n t influence of both adult and peer role models fo r t h e i r career. Samuel suggests the importance of men i n m i l i t a r y r o l e s . Raymond indicates that h i s best childhood f r i e n d i s the person he discusses becoming a writer with but that the p r i e s t and orthodontist he encounters also play a large part i n h i s thoughts about what jobs he might l i k e to do. Doug speaks of h i s disappointing encounter with the owner of the company he worked for and i t s e f f e c t i n p r e c i p i t a t i n g h i s decision to t r a v e l . These r o l e models are introduced at the onset of each story and further attention i s given to t h i s area of influence i n the middle of each narrative. In addition to descriptions of role models and the family milieu, a discussion of the c u l t u r a l context i s pertinent to the career development process each man experiences. The values of any p a r t i c u l a r culture are i n s t i l l e d by the family and reinforced by other c u l t u r a l i n s t i t u t i o n s . Each man i n t h i s study speaks c l e a r l y of t h e i r c u l t u r a l heritage. Raymond's European heritage indicated that becoming a professional i n a f i e l d of science was an optimal career choice. The culture enforced taking advantage of educational opportunity and surpassing the l e v e l of parental occupational attainment. Both Samuel and Doug have Anglo backgrounds where s e l f s u f f i c i e n c y i s a presiding value as they describe i t . Their families anticipated that they were to choose careers requiring post secondary education and work to pay for 63 t h e c o s t o f t h e i r s c h o o l i n g . A d d i t i o n a l l y , a l l t h r e e men d e s c r i b e t h a t t h e y w e r e e x p e c t e d t o d i s c e r n t h e i r own i n t e r e s t s a n d p u r s u e c a r e e r s i n t h o s e a r e a s r a t h e r t h a n f o l l o w i n g t h e c h o i c e o f t h e i r p a r e n t s o r a n a c a d e m i c i n s t i t u t i o n . T h i s i s i m p l i c i t l y s p e c i f i e d i n s e v e r a l s t a t e m e n t s ; Raymond i n d i c a t e s t h i s a s , " t h a t w a s n ' t w h a t my d e e p e s t d e s i r e was . . .", w h i l e Doug a s s e r t s , " n o t b e i n g a b l e t o n a r r o w i t [ h i s c a r e e r o p t i o n s ] down t o one t h i n g I'm p a s s i o n a t e a b o u t . . .." S a m u e l s i g n i f i e s t h e i m p o r t a n c e o f d e t e r m i n i n g h i s own i n t e r e s t s i n s t a t i n g , " I c o u l d make my own c h o i c e s . " C u l t u r a l c o n s t r u c t s i n s t i l l e d b y t h e f a m i l y , s o c i e t y a n d e d u c a t i o n a l i n s t i t u t i o n s i m p a r t s e l f r e l i a n c e a n d i n d e p e n d e n c e i n d e c i s i o n m a k i n g ; t h e men a d o p t e d t h e m a s a p a r t o f t h e i r p e r s o n a l f r a m e w o r k f o r p r o g r e s s i n g t h r o u g h t h e i r c a r e e r s . W h i l e t h e s e e x t e r n a l f a c t o r s i n t h e c a r e e r p r o c e s s c o n t i n u e t h r o u g h o u t t h e c a r e e r d e v e l o p m e n t a n d a r e i m p l i e d i n t h e n a r r a t i v e a t s e v e r a l p l a c e s , t h e b e g i n n i n g s o f t h e s t o r y e m p h a s i z e t h e m a s t h e c o n t e x t o f t h e f i r s t e x p l o r a t i o n s i n t o c a r e e r . T h i s i s a l s o t h e c a s e w i t h t h e e c o n o m i c c o n d i t i o n s a t t h e t i m e o f i n i t i a l i n q u i r y . The e a s e o f e n t e r i n g a f i e l d a n d t h e l i k e l i h o o d o f f i n d i n g a j o b was m o m e n t a r i l y c o n s i d e r e d . F u r t h e r m o r e , t h e c o s t o f r e l o c a t i n g t o a t t e n d p o s t s e c o n d a r y t r a i n i n g p r o v i d e d a n a d d i t i o n a l f a c t o r t o b e c o n s i d e r e d d u r i n g t h e e a r l y p h a s e o f c a r e e r e x p l o r a t i o n . T h e s e w e r e , h o w e v e r , b r i e f d e l i b e r a t i o n s made a t t h e i n i t i a l p o i n t o f c a r e e r e x p l o r a t i o n . 64 A t t h e b e g i n n i n g o f h i s s t o r y each man g i v e s some i n d i c a t i o n o f how he i s t o t e l l t h e s t o r y o f h i s c a r e e r and how he s t r u c t u r e s t h e meaning o f h i s c a r e e r development. T h i s i s seen i n i t i a l l y i n t h e s t a t e m e n t s n o t i n g t h e f o r m a t o f t h e s t o r y and a l l u d i n g t o what each i n d i v i d u a l f e e l s i s i m p o r t a n t . When Doug b e g i n s t o t e l l h i s s t o r y h i s s e n t e n c e s a r e f i l l e d w i t h c l a u s e s and s u b c l a u s e s and t h e y t a k e a r a m b l i n g r o u t e t o c omplete t h e i d e a i n i t i a l l y embarked upon. F o r example he s t a t e s , "So I guess i t wasn't u n t i l g r a d e , I guess i t was p r o b a b l y more e a r l y u n i v e r s i t y where I r e a l i z e d , cause grade t w e l v e was w e i r d , t h a t I hadn't r e a l l y i d e n t i f i e d y e t , t h a t t h e problem was e i t h e r n o t h a v i n g a f o c u s s e d a m b i t i o n o r g o a l and t h a t had n o t been good enough, t h a t l i k e t h e problem w i t h u n i v e r s i t y was t h a t I was t a k i n g no d i r e c t , I c o u l d see no l i n k t o t h e f u t u r e . " The v o c a b u l a r y o f t h e b e g i n n i n g o f h i s s t o r y i n c l u d e s words n o t i n g a b r u p t change and s h i f t s l i k e "jump", and " d e p a r t u r e . " The i n t r o d u c t i o n s u g g e s t s t h e p a t h o r c o u r s e t h e s t o r y i s t o t a k e and u n d e r s c o r e s Doug's l i f e theme t h a t he has n o t had a s i n g l e p l a n t o g u i d e h i s c a r e e r c h o i c e s . Samuel makes a s i m i l a r i n d i c a t i o n o f t h e form and theme o f t h e s t o r y . He i n i t i a l l y d e s c r i b e s t h e i m p o r t a n c e o f t h e r o l e o f a s t r o l o g y h o l d s f o r him. He p l a c e s an emphasis on h i s a s t r o l o g i c a l symbol as r e p r e s e n t i n g d u a l e lements and a l s o s t a t e s t h a t he has "somewhat come f u l l c i r c l e " i n l i f e . F o r Samuel, t h i s marks t h e theme o f h i s s t o r y and t h e way he c o n c e p t u a l i z e s h i s l i f e . I t i n t r o d u c e s t h e i n t e r v i e w e r t o h i s two c a r e e r p a t h s ; 65 the end of h i s f i r s t c a r e e r was marked by h i s p a r e n t s ' death and the second c a r e e r w i l l be marked by h i s own. H i s n a r r a t i v e h i g h l i g h t s h i s l i f e theme c l e a r l y : "Now the reason I'm backgrounding t h i s i s p a r t l y t o g i v e you an i d e a o f who I am and where I'm coming from, but a l s o I t h i n k t h e r e are two a s p e c t s here." F i n a l l y , Raymond i n d i c a t e s the theme t h a t i n many ways he came t o h i s c a r e e r through a process which may not be immediately obvious as the means t o the d e s i r e d end. He s t a t e s i n i t i a l l y , "you back i n t o w r i t i n g . . .1 f e e l somehow t h a t i s q u i t e a c c u r a t e . However, I can a l s o say t h a t as a teenager I saw myself as a w r i t e r . " H i s s t o r y ' s b e g i n n i n g i l l u s t r a t e s t h a t t h e r e i s an element which does not immediately occur t o the l i s t e n e r but t h a t i t w i l l be r e v e a l e d i n the end. T h i s i n i t i a l i n d i c a t i o n o f h i s n a r r a t i v e theme foreshadows the major i n c i d e n t o f h i s c a r e e r when he i s duped i n t o b e l i e v i n g h i s mentor's f a l s e persona and the chaos he f e e l s when the s e c r e t i s r e v e a l e d t o him. Furthermore, t h i s s t o r y w i t h i n the l a r g e r s t o r y , d e s c r i b e d e a r l y i n the i n t e r v i e w , f u n c t i o n s as a m o r a l i t y t a l e which i l l u s t r a t e s the l e s s o n t o be l e a r n e d a l o n g Raymond's c a r e e r path; m i s r e p r e s e n t i n g o n e s e l f w i l l be d e t r i m e n t a l t o the i n d i v i d u a l i n the end. The way the b e g i n n i n g i s s t r u c t u r e d , the language the n a r r a t o r uses, and the statement i t makes, d e t a i l s not o n l y the form the s t o r y w i l l have but a l s o the o v e r r i d i n g theme of the i n d i v i d u a l ' s l i f e . I t demonstrates the n a r r a t o r ' s method of 66 c o n c e p t u a l i z i n g t h e e v e n t s w h i c h have shaped h i s c a r e e r , t h e way he c o n s t r u c t s h i s p e r s o n a l meaning i n l i g h t o f t h e s e e v e n t s . The b e g i n n i n g o f t h e s e n a r r a t i v e s c o n t a i n t h e schemata w h i c h p r o v i d e s t r u c t u r e and meaning by w h i c h t o f o l l o w t h e i n d i v i d u a l a c t i o n s and e v e n t s t h a t t a k e p l a c e . The a c t u a l method o f making t h i s schema known i s a s u b t l e one w h i c h does n o t e x p l i c i t l y s t a t e t h e n a r r a t o r ' s l i f e theme b u t i m p l i e s t h e o v e r r i d i n g n o t i o n . The b e g i n n i n g g i v e s an i n d i c a t i o n o f t h e r e l a t i o n s h i p t h e d e c i s i o n s have t o each o t h e r by v i r t u e o f t h e i r meaning t o t h e a c t o r . And t h e e v o l u t i o n o f t h e meaning, as i n d i c a t e d a t t h e s t o r y ' s b e g i n n i n g , i s a s i g n i f i c a n t f a c t o r i n t h e d e c i s i o n s i n v o l v e d i n t h e c a r e e r development o f each s t u d y p a r t i c i p a n t . A n o t h e r p a t t e r n emerges a t t h e b e g i n n i n g o f t h e s t o r i e s ; each man n o t e s t h e i r g r o w i n g awareness o f t h e m s e l v e s . The men d e s c r i b e t h e i r i n c r e a s i n g knowledge o f t h e m s e l v e s as h a v i n g p e r s o n a l c o m p e t e n c i e s and i n t e r e s t s w h i c h c o u l d be a p p l i e d t o c e r t a i n j o b s , a p r o c l i v i t y f o r s e x u a l r e l a t i o n s h i p s w i t h men, and a r e c o g n i t i o n o f how a c c e p t e d t h e s e a b i l i t i e s and i n t e r e s t s a r e w i t h i n t h e w o r l d t h a t t h e y a r e e n t e r i n g . Each man h a n d l e s t h e r e c o g n i t i o n o f t h e s e f a c t o r s i n d i f f e r e n t ways. Doug a v o i d s making any o v e r t s t a t e m e n t s about h i m s e l f and s e e k s t o keep t h e peace b o t h i n r e f e r e n c e t o h i s h o m o s e x u a l i t y and i n terms o f d i f f i c u l t s c h o o l and work e x p e r i e n c e s . He i s u n c o m f o r t a b l e i n b e i n g c o n f r o n t a t i o n a l , r e c o g n i z e s t h i s i n h i m s e l f , and a v o i d s s i t u a t i o n s r e q u i r i n g any a s s e r t i o n o f h i m s e l f . Samuel, on t h e o t h e r hand, s p e c i f i e s t h e i m p o r t a n c e o f m a i n t a i n i n g an image i n 67 p u b l i c d e s p i t e any p e r s o n a l d i f f e r e n c e s from t h a t p r o j e c t i o n o f h i m s e l f . He was f r e e t o a c t on h i s s e x u a l i n t e r e s t s b u t d e t e r m i n e d t h a t t h e y were n o t a c c e p t a b l e m a t e r i a l f o r p u b l i c c o n s i d e r a t i o n . H i s a b i l i t y t o p r o v i d e a p u b l i c p e r s o n a made i t p o s s i b l e f o r him t o f e e l competent e x p l o r i n g an a c t i n g c a r e e r and p r o v i d i n g t o p e o p l e an image t h a t he f e l t t h e y wanted t o see. Raymond was aware t h a t he wanted t o e x p l o r e t h e s o c i a l s t r u c t u r e o f s o c i e t y d e s p i t e t h e p o s s i b l e r e j e c t i o n t h i s m ight e l i c i t from o t h e r s . He r e c o g n i z e s a s i m i l a r dilemma around h i s h o m o s e x u a l i t y : " I k i n d o f came t o t h e i d e a , um, l a r g e l y w i t h o u t any s u p p o r t t h a t I was supposed t o outgrow t h i s . " I n i t i a l l y , he chose t o d e p a r t from t h e e x p e c t a t i o n s o f h i s f a m i l y and s t u d y s o c i a l s c i e n c e s and t o i g n o r e h i s homosexual d e s i r e s . That t h e i n t e r n a l e x p e r i e n c e o f s e l f i s d i s p a r a t e from s o c i a l demands de m o n s t r a t e s t h e problem t o be a d d r e s s e d i n t h e n a r r a t i v e ; t h e m i d d l e o f each man's s t o r y seeks t o span t h e l a c u n a . The M i d d l e Once an i n t e r e s t t h a t i s r e l a t e d t o a f i e l d o f work i s e s t a b l i s h e d , t h e knowledge and s k i l l s n e c e s s a r y t o seek a p o s i t i o n need t o be o b t a i n e d . I n t h e i n s t a n c e s o f t h e s t u d y p a r t i c i p a n t s , a t t e n d i n g p o s t secondary t r a i n i n g was v i t a l . The d e c i s i o n t o e n t e r an e d u c a t i o n a l s e t t i n g w h i c h would p r o v i d e t h e i n f o r m a t i o n t h e men sought was l a r g e l y d e t e r m i n e d on t h e b a s i s o f t h e s c h o o l ' s l o c a t i o n and t h e c o s t o f a t t e n d i n g . Each man chose 68 t o a t t e n d t r a i n i n g r e l a t i v e l y c l o s e t o t h e l o c a t i o n where t h e y r e s i d e d . I n a d d i t i o n t o t h e s p e c i f i c i n s t r u c t i o n r e l a t e d t o t h e i r f i e l d o f i n t e r e s t , t h e men a l s o had an o p p o r t u n i t y t o meet p e e r s and i n s t r u c t o r s from whom t h e y c o u l d o b t a i n a g r e a t e r u n d e r s t a n d i n g o f t h e f i e l d . The development o f a p e r s o n a l r e l a t i o n s h i p w i t h an i n d i v i d u a l who had t h e c a p a c i t y t o f o s t e r a b r o a d e r u n d e r s t a n d i n g t h a n t h e coursework would a l l o w was i m p o r t a n t t o t h e development o f each s t u d y p a r t i c i p a n t b o t h a t s c h o o l and a t work. Each man found i n t h e c o u r s e o f h i s i n i t i a l f o r a y s i n t o e d u c a t i o n and work a s i g n i f i c a n t r o l e model, a man s e n i o r t o him, t o p r o v i d e g u i d a n c e and encouragement. The impact o f t h e mentor's e x p e r t i s e was p r e d i c a t e d on t h e n a t u r e and s t r e n g t h o f t h e i r r e l a t i o n s h i p . I n r e f l e c t i n g upon a r e l a t i o n s h i p w i t h one o f t h e s i g n i f i c a n t men i n t h e c o u r s e o f h i s c a r e e r , Raymond s t a t e s , " t h i s guy had i n c r e d i b l e c h a r i s m a as a t r a i n e r and he was v e r y i n t e l l i g e n t . " The men l o o k e d t o t h e mentor f o r s u p p o r t as w e l l as f o r an a c q u a i n t a n c e w i t h i n t h e f i e l d o f i n t e r e s t . Samuel r e c o u n t s t h e t a l e o f t h e d r a f t i n g p r o f e s s o r e n c o u r a g i n g h i s d e s i g n i n g c a r e e r : "my p r o f e s s o r s a i d , •I hope y o u ' r e n o t p l a n n i n g a c a r e e r i n d r a f t i n g . ' And I s a i d , • c e r t a i n l y n o t , t o o d r e a r y . • He s a i d , 'Your d e s i g n s a r e r e a l l y q u i t e e x c e l l e n t . You s h o u l d e n t e r t h i s c o m p e t i t i o n ' and so I d i d . " Each man was eager t o r e s p e c t t h e mentor f o r t h e i r s u p e r i o r u n d e r s t a n d i n g and p e r s o n a l q u a l i t i e s w h i c h would r e f l e c t t h e v a l u e s and e n l i g h t e n m e n t t o w h i c h t h e y a s p i r e d . 69 The s e a r c h f o r a mentor t o a s s i s t i n t h e development o f knowledge and a sense o f p e r s o n a l and p r o f e s s i o n a l e f f i c a c y was p r e v a l e n t t h r o u g h o u t t h e n a r r a t i v e o f each s t u d y p a r t i c i p a n t ; however, a p o i n t came i n each r e l a t i o n s h i p where t h e mentor d i d n o t c o m p l e t e l y embody a l l t h a t t h e men had wanted. The p r o t e g e r e c o g n i z e d a p e r s o n a l need o r v a l u e , l o o k e d t o t h e mentor t o a d d r e s s t h e need and when t h e mentor was u n a b l e t o , he would l e a v e t h e mentor's i n f l u e n c e . Doug r e l a t e s , "One i n s t r u c t o r t h a t I r e a l l y r e s p e c t e d i n f i r s t y e a r had, f o r whatever r e a s o n , d e c i d e d t h a t he was j u s t g o i n g t o w a l k t h r o u g h t h e c l a s s t h a t he was t e a c h i n g t h a t y e a r . I became f u r i o u s towards t h e end o f i t . And my way o f d e a l i n g w i t h i t was n o t t o g i v e him a n y t h i n g . . . and I ended up f o r g e t t i n g about a l l t h a t s t u f f and d o i n g t h e work t h a t i n t e r e s t e d me . . . w o r k i n g on p r o j e c t s t h a t were r e a l l y i m p o r t a n t . " The r e g a r d f o r t h e mentor i s a l t e r e d when a v i o l a t i o n o f t h e r e l a t i o n s h i p o c c u r s , e i t h e r w i t h r e g a r d t o l e a r n i n g o r p e r s o n a l q u a l i t i e s , and r e s u l t s i n a r e d i r e c t i o n o f t h e p r o t e g e ' s work i n t e r e s t s . Raymond n a r r a t e s t h a t a f t e r t h e r e j e c t i o n o f h i s mentor he " c o u l d t h i n k o f n o t h i n g e l s e b u t g e t t i n g o u t o f t h e agency." A f t e r a second m e n t o r s h i p f a i l s Raymond s t a t e s , "and t h i s s e t me o f f as w e l l , even made me want t o g e t out o f t h e agency even more." Mentors w i t h i n t h e work p l a c e have been r e c o g n i z e d as an i m p o r t a n t f a c t o r i n c a r e e r growth i n t h e a r e a o f b u s i n e s s management (Fagenson, 1989; Hunt & M i c h a e l , 1983; P h i l l i p - J o n e s , 1982). They have been i d e n t i f i e d as h a v i n g b o t h c a r e e r f u n c t i o n s 70 o f p r o v i d i n g c h a l l e n g e , s p o n s o r s h i p and p r o t e c t i o n i n t h e work s e t t i n g , i n a d d i t i o n t o p r o v i d i n g p s y c h o s o c i a l f u n c t i o n s o f c o u n s e l l i n g and a c c e p t a n c e (Kram, 1985). I n t h e n a r r a t i v e s o f t h i s s t u d y , each p a r t i c i p a n t n o t e s t h e i m p o r t a n c e o f t h e mentor i n p r o v i d i n g a sense o f competence i n t h e t a s k s a s s o c i a t e d w i t h t h e j o b o r coursework. T h i s competence i s a l s o r e f l e c t e d i n a b r o a d e r p e r s p e c t i v e t h a n t h a t o f t h e work environment by t h e i r p e r s o n a l s t a t e m e n t s o f s e l f w o r t h . F r e q u e n t l y , when a m e n t o r i n g r e l a t i o n s h i p ends u n h a p p i l y t h e n a r r a t o r r e p o r t s an e m o t i o n a l t u r m o i l a f f e c t i n g p e r s o n a l w e l l - b e i n g as w e l l as t h e c a r e e r p a t h . F o r example, Raymond i n d i c a t e s t h a t i n t h e absence o f h i s mentor, " I r e a l l y c a n ' t t e l l you how shaky I f e l t my ground was a t t h a t p o i n t . " T r a n s i t i o n s t o p a i d employment a l l o w e d t h e men t o f u r t h e r t h e i r a r e a s o f i n t e r e s t s and t o meet t h e i r f i n a n c i a l needs. O f t e n t h e y d e s c r i b e d t h i s as a f o r t u i t o u s o c c u r r e n c e . " I was t h e r i g h t man a t t h e r i g h t p l a c e " , Samuel s t a t e s . Raymond t e l l s o f a j o b o f f e r w h i l e s i t t i n g i n t h e u n i v e r s i t y c a f e t e r i a w i t h f r i e n d s a f t e r d e f e n d i n g h i s t h e s i s : " t h i s i s so s e r e n d i p i t o u s i t ' s u n b e l i e v a b l e . " The men see t h e i r ease i n f i n d i n g employment as n o t o n l y an endorsement o f c a r e e r c h o i c e b u t o f t h e m s e l v e s . Doug's a c c e p t a n c e as an i n t e r n i l l u s t r a t e s t h i s p o i n t ; he s t a t e s , " i t f e l t r i g h t " , " i t f e l t much more l i k e t h i s i s g o i n g t o go somewhere", " I was r e a l l y t h r i l l e d " and c o n c l u d e s by p h i l o s o p h i z i n g , "sometimes l i f e seems t o f a l l i n t o p l a c e . " Raymond t e l l s o f f i n d i n g a j o b i n Vancouver and n o t e s , " P eople h e r e embraced me i n a v e r y p o s i t i v e way." I n f i n d i n g p o s i t i o n s r e l a t e d t o f i e l d s o f i n t e r e s t i n d i v i d u a l s make a d j u s t m e n t s i n t h e i r c a r e e r i f o p p o r t u n i t i e s f o r s a t i s f a c t i o n , a c c e p t a n c e and d e m o n s t r a t i n g competence a r e n o t p r e s e n t . The d i s c r e p a n c y betwen t h e i r r e a l i z a t i o n o f t h e i r h o m o s e x u a l i t y and t h e a n t i c i p a t e d n e g a t i v e a t t i t u d e o f t h e s o c i a l e n vironment a t work and s c h o o l r e s u l t s i n f e e l i n g s o f l i m i t e d a c c e p t a n c e . " I n f a c t I was r e a l l y s t a r t l e d when I t r a v e l l e d w i t h t h e t h e a t r e company how few gay p e o p l e t h e r e were. . . . 1 was s u r p r i s e d a t t h e homophobia t h a t was i n t h e r e . I n t h e p r o f e s s i o n . I n f a c t t h e r e i s s t i l l a g r e a t d e a l o f homophobia i n t h e d e s i g n p r o f e s s i o n , " Samuel i n d i c a t e s . D u r i n g t h e i r t e n u r e i n a j o b , i f t h e y become aware o f unmet needs and have no p o t e n t i a l f o r m e l i o r a t i n g them, t h e men e n t e r a s t a t e o f becoming p r e p a r e d t o make a change i n t h e i r c a r e e r . The language used i n d e s c r i b i n g t h e i n c i d e n t s p r i o r t o making a c a r e e r s h i f t speaks o f , " a l i e n a t i o n " , " r e j e c t i o n " , and " o s t r a c i z a t i o n " from t h e s o c i a l c o n t e x t . T h i s e m o t i o n a l s t a t e p r e c e d i n g a change i s o f t e n c o n s i d e r e d a c r i s i s by t h e men. Samuel n o t e s a p o i n t where he a s k s h i m s e l f , "What t h e h e l l am I d o i n g w i t h my l i f e ? " Doug sa y s t h a t he f r e q u e n t l y e x p e r i e n c e s , "what am I d o i n g w i t h my l i f e and where am I g o i n g and why t y p e c r i s e s . " O f t e n t h e men would q u e s t i o n t h e i r a b i l i t i e s t o complete t h e i r j o b t a s k s i n l i g h t o f t h i s e m o t i o n a l s t a t e . Raymond s t a t e s , " I f e l t I was i n t r o u b l e , t h a t I c o u l d n ' t cope w i t h my o r g a n i z a t i o n a l r e s p o n s i b i l i t i e s . " 72 The s t a t e o f c r i s i s as i n d i c a t e d by t h e men i s c h a r a c t e r i z e d by a s i t u a t i o n around w h i c h t h e emotions a r i s e . I n l i g h t o f t h e awareness o f t h e m s e l v e s and t h e i m p r e s s i o n o f i s o l a t i o n , t h e y v i e w t h e e x t e r n a l e v e n t s as d i s t r e s s i n g and p r e c i p i t a t e an e f f o r t t o change c a r e e r d i r e c t i o n s . Samuel, when t h e t h e a t r e company he i s employed by f a i l s t o t e l l him o f h i s p a r e n t s ' d e a t h , c o n s i d e r s t h i s a p e r s o n a l r e j e c t i o n . He sees t h e t h e a t r e company as s e r v i n g i t s own i n t e r e s t s i n k e e p i n g him on t o u r r a t h e r t h a n r e c o g n i z i n g h i s p e r s o n a l c o n c e r n s . T h i s r e p r e s e n t s t o him a f a i l u r e t o a f f i r m him as a p e r s o n w i t h i n t h e r a n k s o f t h e company. The i n c i d e n t s p u r s him t o l e a v e t h e company and l e a v e a c t i n g a l t o g e t h e r . W h i l e Samuel has f a c e d i n c i d e n t s o f r e j e c t i o n , o r what he c a l l s homophobia, t h r o u g h o u t h i s a c t i n g c a r e e r , he n e v e r l e f t t h e p r o f e s s i o n . Only a f t e r an e x p e r i e n c e o f f e e l i n g d e e p l y f u l f i l l e d d u r i n g a Gay P r i d e e v e n t i n San F r a n c i s c o does he f e e l t h e s t i n g o f p e r s o n a l r e j e c t i o n t o a d egree where he i s emboldened t o change c a r e e r c o u r s e s . He remarks o f h i s Gay P r i d e e x p e r i e n c e , " I f e l t c l o s e r t o whatever i t i s t h a t I am t h a n I have e v e r f e l t . " A g a i n s t t h i s b a c k d rop o f Samuel's p e r s o n a l r e c o g n i t i o n o f h i m s e l f t h e e x p e r i e n c e w i t h t h e t h e a t r e company evokes a c r i s i s and s p u r s him t o a c t i o n . Doug's c a r e e r s h i f t s have a l s o come a t a p o i n t t h a t he d e s c r i b e s as a " c r i s i s . " He has on s e v e r a l o c c a s i o n s changed c a r e e r p a t h s , o f t e n n o t i n g i n t h e p r e c e d i n g f a c t o r s an e v e n t w h i c h g i v e s r i s e t o f e e l i n g a l i e n a t e d . A t u n i v e r s i t y he e x p e r i e n c e s b e i n g o s t r a c i z e d from h i s s o c i a l group when i t becomes a p p a r e n t t h a t he i s d a t i n g a man who l i v e s i n t h e U n i t e d S t a t e s . P r i o r t o r e t u r n i n g t o r e c o r d i n g s c h o o l he r e c a l l s a n t i -gay j o k e s t o l d i n h i s p r e s e n c e when he was an i n t e r n . R e g a r d i n g h i s d e p a r t u r e from t h e r e c o r d i n g s t u d i o Doug r e f l e c t s , "so I found o u t how much t h e y c a r e d about me." The l e v e l o f p e r s o n a l a c c e p t a n c e he found when v o l u n t e e r i n g w i t h t h e AIDS s e r v i c e o r g a n i z a t i o n was e n c o u r a g i n g i n comparison t o h i s e x p e r i e n c e a t t h e s t u d i o : " I t f e l t r e a l l y good and was a s h a r p c o n t r a s t t o g o i n g t o t h e s t u d i o w h i c h by t h a t t i m e f e l t r e a l l y bad." T h i s c o n t r a s t s e r v e d t o p r e c i p i t a t e h i s i n q u i r y w i t h t h e o r g a n i z a t i o n about a p a i d p o s i t i o n . Raymond e x p e r i e n c e d t h e " c r i s i s " s t a t e s e v e r a l t i m e s d u r i n g h i s c a r e e r and has c o n s e q u e n t l y a l t e r e d h i s c a r e e r t o a l l o w him g r e a t e r l a t i t u d e t o e x p r e s s h i m s e l f more f u l l y . A f t e r t h e s u i c i d e o f h i s mentor, Raymond became e x t r e m e l y despondent i n h i s p o s i t i o n and a t t e m p t e d d i l i g e n t l y t o l e a v e h i s j o b . That h i s mentor had been a gay man i s h i g h l y s i g n i f i c a n t f o r Raymond, " t h a t f i r s t a d u l t homosexual t h a t I knew and l i k e d . . ." and he v i e w e d t h e l o s s o f s u p p o r t as c a t a s t r o p h i c . W h i l e s e e k i n g t o l e a v e t h e agency, Raymond was s e x u a l l y h a r a s s e d by t h e male e x e c u t i v e t h a t he went t o a f t e r h i s mentor's d e a t h i n hope o f r e c e i v i n g s u p p o r t . S e x u a l harassment has been v i e w e d as a s i g n i f i c a n t f a c t o r i n t h e l o s s o f j o b m o t i v a t i o n (Gutch, 1985; T e r p s t r a & Baker, 1989). I n v i e w o f h i s f e e l i n g s o f p e r s o n a l i n a d equacy subsequent t o t h e s e two e v e n t s , Raymond r e t u r n e d t o s c h o o l as a means o f l e a v i n g t h e agency. He was d e e p l y t h r e a t e n e d by t h e n e g a t i v e i m p l i c a t i o n s o f h o m o s e x u a l i t y t h a t b o t h i n c i d e n t s r e v e a l e d . I t c a s t him i n t o a tremendous e m o t i o n a l c r i s i s i n v i e w o f h i s r e a l i z a t i o n o f t h e i m p u l s e s he had a t t e m p t e d t o i g n o r e . The r e c o g n i t i o n o f o n e s e l f i s a p r e c o n d i t i o n t o t h e c o n s i d e r a t i o n o f one s i t u a t i o n as e v o k i n g a c r i s i s . The awareness o f s e l f f o s t e r s t h e i n t e r p r e t a t i o n o f a s i t u a t i o n as t h r e a t i n g o r a l i e n a t i n g . I n t h e i n s t a n c e o f t h e men p r o v i d i n g t h e n a r r a t i v e s o f t h i s s t u d y , t h e r e a l i z a t i o n o f t h e i r e r o t i c o r i e n t a t i o n towards t h e same sex makes t h e s i t u a t i o n s t h e y d e s c r i b e p a r t i c u l a r l y t h r e a t e n i n g . The i n c o n g r u i t y i n t h e a c c e p t a n c e t h e y seek and t h e r e j e c t i o n t h e y f i n d i n t h e s o c i a l c o n t e x t o f s c h o o l o r work p r e c i p i t a t e s t h e i r n e g a t i v e e m o t i o n a l s t a t e . The u n p l e a s a n t e m o t i o n a l s t a t e m o t i v a t e s t h e men i n t o making a c a r e e r change. R o l l o May (1983) s u g g e s t s t h a t t h i s commitment t o t h e s e l f i s a v i t a l p r e c u r s o r t o a c t i o n . "The s i g n i f i c a n c e o f commitment i s n o t t h a t i t i s s i m p l y a v a g u e l y good t h i n g o r e t h i c a l l y t o be a d v i s e d . I t i s a n e c e s s a r y p r e r e q u i s i t e f o r s e e i n g t r u t h . . . The p o s s i b i l i t y o r r e a d i n e s s t o t a k e s u c h a ' l e a p ' i s a n e c e s s a r y c o n d i t i o n f o r t h e d e c i s i v e o r i e n t a t i o n . . . . We use t h e term d e c i s i o n as meaning a d e c i s i v e a t t i t u d e towards e x i s t e n c e , an a t t i t u d e o f commitment. I n t h i s r e s p e c t , knowledge and i n s i g h t f o l l o w d e c i s i o n r a t h e r t h a n v i c e v e r s a " (p. 166). Thus one's knowledge o f a homosexual o r i e n t a t i o n , one's need f o r a f f i r m a t i o n as t h a t p e r s o n , i s a element o f t h e c a r e e r d e c i s i o n p r o c e s s f o r t h e men i n t h i s s t u d y . 75 To e l i m i n a t e t h e c r i s i s s t a t e , t h e p e r s o n makes a s e a r c h t o f i n d o r r e s t o r e a f e e l i n g o f w o r t h . R e e s t a b l i s h i n g t h e sense o f competence and v a l u e t h a t work p r e v i o u s l y had, t h e men i n t h i s s t u d y f r e q u e n t l y r e t u r n e d t o s c h o o l . I n an e f f o r t t o s t a b i l i z e t h e m s e l v e s e m o t i o n a l l y , t h e y f e l t t h a t l e a r n i n g new s k i l l s would g i v e them a d i r e c t i o n o r s t r u c t u r e t h e y were m i s s i n g d u r i n g t h e c r i s i s . The men a l s o n o t e d t h e freedom t o e x p l o r e t h e i r p e r s o n a l and s e x u a l i s s u e s when i n s c h o o l as opposed t o t h e work environment. Raymond s t a t e s , "Now a t t h i s p o i n t I'm aware o f a l l k i n d s o f t h i n g s , t h a t h e r e f o r example, i s freedom from t h e work network t h a t I had been i n . . . . 1 know i n t h e m i d s t o f a l l t h i s my s e x u a l i t y i s l o o m i n g i n f r o n t o f me." When some degree o f e m o t i o n a l s t a b i l i z a t i o n had o c c u r r e d t h e men r e e n t e r e d t h e j o b market. The t r a n s i t i o n between s c h o o l and work was by no means a b l a c k and w h i t e p r o c e s s . The f i n a n c i a l c o n s i d e r a t i o n o f m a i n t a i n i n g a l i f e s t y l e independent o f f a m i l y s u p p o r t made s h i f t s between work and s c h o o l u n c l e a r l y d e l i n e a t e d . However, t h e p u r s u i t o f f u r t h e r e d u c a t i o n c a r r i e d an o v e r a l l e f f e c t o f c o n f i r m i n g a l e v e l o f p e r s o n a l e f f i c a c y s u f f i c i e n t l y s u b s t a n t i a t i n g any j o b change. The End I n f a c i n g t h e moments o f c r i s i s p r i o r t o making a d e c i s i o n t o change j o b s o r r e t u r n t o s c h o o l , each man i n t h i s s t u d y p r o g r e s s i v e l y a r t i c u l a t e d a s e t o f p e r s o n a l v a l u e s r e l a t e d t o 76 work. I n t h e p r o c e s s o f r e c o g n i z i n g t h e i r s e x u a l o r i e n t a t i o n and d e v e l o p i n g a p e r s o n a l i d e n t i t y w h i c h i s i n c l u s i v e o f t h e i r h o m o s e x u a l i t y , t h e y have c r e a t e d an u n d e r s t a n d i n g o f t h e i r p a r t i c i p a t i o n i n t h e s o c i a l c o n t e x t o f t h e i r c a r e e r s . Each man has i n d i c a t e d t h a t i n r e s p o n s e t o t h e problem i n d i c a t e d a t t h e b e g i n n i n g o f h i s s t o r y he has s t r u c k a b a l a n c e between h i s p e r s o n a l and work personae. The i s s u e o f r e c o g n i z i n g t h e i r h o m o s e x u a l i t y and b e i n g an o p e n l y gay man i n a work environment i s r e c o n c i l e d t h r o u g h t h e p r o c e s s o f d e t e r m i n i n g t h e i r c a r e e r s . By f i n d i n g adequate r o l e models and work s i t u a t i o n s w h i c h a c c e p t e d t h e i r homosexual i d e n t i t y as w e l l as p r o v i d e d o p p o r t u n i t i e s f o r d e m o n s t r a t i n g t h e i r knowledge and s k i l l s , t h e y r e s o l v e d t h e i n i t i a l problem. A f t e r s u r v i v i n g a s e r i e s o f c r i s e s , Raymond, w h i l e f i n i s h i n g h i s d o c t o r a t e , meets a gay man who r e p r e s e n t s a l l he v a l u e s . H i s model a d d r e s s e s h o m o s e x u a l i t y i n h i s academic r e s e a r c h , p a r t i c i p a t e s i n t h e u n i v e r s i t y ' s s o c i e t y as an o p e n l y gay man, r e c o g n i z e s Raymond's h o m o s e x u a l i t y and does n o t make unwanted s e x u a l advances. He i d e n t i f i e s t h i s man as t h e " i d e a l gay man." T h i s mentor demonstrates t h a t i t i s p o s s i b l e t o r e c o n c i l e one's i d e n t i t y w i t h one's c a r e e r . W i t h t h e i n f l u e n c e o f t h i s r o l e model, Raymond i s t h e n a b l e t o i n t e g r a t e h i s s e x u a l i s s u e s w i t h h i s work l i f e when he b e g i n s t r a v e l l i n g as a c o n s u l t a n t and b e g i n s t o p a r t i c i p a t e i n t h e gay c u l t u r e . He f e e l s a sense o f agency w i t h i n t h e new s o c i a l s t r u c t u r e " t h i s was t o t a l l y o p p o s i t e o f t h e agency where I j u s t f i n d m y s e l f moved from one s o c i a l t h i n g t o a n o t h e r . I j u s t l e t everybody e l s e c o n t r o l t h e s i t u a t i o n . I n t h i s s i t u a t i o n I f e l t e n t i r e l y d i f f e r e n t about i t . T h i s i s my s i t u a t i o n , I'm t r a v e l l i n g h e r e . I f I want t o make something o u t o f t h i s e x p e r i e n c e I'm g o i n g t o do i t . And I d i d . " As a f r e e l a n c e w r i t e r Raymond has t h e p e r s o n a l freedom he has come t o v a l u e and no l o n g e r needs t o f e e l t h r e a t e n e d by a n t i c i p a t i o n o f r e j e c t i o n f o r h i s h o m o s e x u a l i t y . I n moving from a v o l u n t e e r p o s i t i o n t o a f u l l t i m e p a i d p o s i t i o n a t an AIDS s e r v i c e o r g a n i z a t i o n , Doug has been a b l e t o r e s o l v e t h e d i f f i c u l t y o f h a v i n g a gay i d e n t i t y i n t h e work p l a c e . The s e r v i c e o r g a n i z a t i o n p e r m i t s him t o p a r t i c i p a t e i n t h e s o c i a l c o n t e x t o f work as a gay man w i t h o u t f e a r o f r e j e c t i o n . As t h e o r g a n i z a t i o n i s f o r t h e most p a r t s e r v i n g t h e gay community, Doug r a r e l y needs t o become c o n f r o n t a t i o n a l and d i s c l o s e h i s s e x u a l i d e n t i t y , something he i s u n c o m f o r t a b l e d o i n g . Samuel a l s o i n d i c a t e s t h e importance o f a c c e p t a n c e f o r him as a gay man a t work. I n t e r i o r d e s i g n i s c o n s i d e r e d a s t e r e o t y p i c a l l y gay p r o f e s s i o n and c o n s e q u e n t l y h i s s e x u a l o r i e n t a t i o n i s n o t q u e s t i o n e d . Samuel s a y s t h a t w h i l e i n some p l a c e s he " j u s t c o u l d n ' t f i t i n " , i n h i s c u r r e n t j o b "here I don't have t o . I make a space f o r m y s e l f . I'm a c c e p t e d . I'm o f t e n welcomed b u t I'm a l s o a l l o w e d t o have my p r i v a c y . And t h a t ' s I t h i n k an i m p o r t a n t development p a r t - h a v i n g t h e p r i v a c y t o d i s c o v e r who you a r e . " Samuel has s e l e c t e d a c a r e e r p a t h t h a t a l l o w s him t o a c t w i t h i n i t s s o c i a l environment w i t h o u t f e e l i n g 78 a l i e n a t e d . Each man c o n c l u d e s h i s s t o r y w i t h an emphasis on t h e i m p o r t a n c e o f h a v i n g d e v e l o p e d a degree o f p e r s o n a l a c c e p t a n c e . He a l s o s t r e s s e s t h e s i g n i f i c a n c e o f t h e freedom f o r p e r s o n a l e x p r e s s i o n and t h e v a l u e o f a c c e p t a n c e and i n c l u s i o n w i t h i n t h e s o c i a l c o n t e x t a t work. He emphasises h a v i n g chosen a c a r e e r w h i c h p e r m i t s h i s p e r s o n a l v a l u e s . The E p i l o g u e H a v i n g r e a c h e d t h e c o n c l u s i o n o f t h e i r s t o r i e s , t h e men s h i f t t h e i r f o c u s from t h e problem and i t s r e s o l u t i o n t o f u t u r e c o n s i d e r a t i o n s o f t h e i r c a r e e r . H a v i n g come t o v a l u e t h e i m p o r t a n c e o f e x p r e s s i n g t h e i r personhood, i n c l u d i n g t h e i r h o m o s e x u a l i t y , w h i l e a t work, t h e i r s p e c u l a t i o n i s done w i t h t h e n o t i o n o f m a i n t a i n i n g t h i s openness t h r o u g h o u t t h e i r c a r e e r s . Raymond i n d i c a t e d t h a t he i s h o p i n g t o c o n t i n u e as a s e l f employed w r i t e r and expand i n t o o t h e r g e n r e s . D u r i n g t h e c o u r s e o f t h e i n t e r v i e w he m o m e n t a r i l y c o n s i d e r e d t a k i n g an academic p o s i t i o n a t t h e u n i v e r s i t y b u t q u i c k l y d i s p e n s e d w i t h t h e i d e a . I n c o n c l u d i n g h i s i n t e r v i e w , Doug mentioned r e t u r n i n g t o s c h o o l t o f i n i s h h i s degree b u t noted t h a t i t would t a k e a n o t h e r c r i s i s t o m o t i v a t e him t o do so and u n t i l t h e n he p l a n s t o remain where he i s . H i s p a t h h a v i n g n o t been c l e a r l y d e f i n e d up t o t h i s p o i n t , he a n t i c i p a t e s t h a t i t w i l l c o n t i n u e t o e v o l v e . F i n a l l y , Samuel p o i n t s t o h i s f u t u r e . He e x p e c t s t o c o n t i n u e w o r k i n g and 79 be s e l f s u f f i c i e n t f o r as l o n g as h i s h e a l t h a l l o w s him and i s t a k i n g s t e p s t o p l a n h i s own f u n e r a l . He s t a t e s , " I know I'm not g o i n g t o be around f o r f o r e v e r , so I'm n o t i n t e r e s t e d i n b u i l d i n g a monument t o m y s e l f . . . . I l i v e f o r m y s e l f . " Each man v i e w s h i s f u t u r e t h r o u g h t h e l e s s o n o f h a v i n g d e v e l o p e d some a c c e p t a n c e o f h i m s e l f and from o t h e r s i n r e s p e c t t o h i s c a r e e r c h o i c e s . 80 CHAPTER V I I I F i n d i n g s The f i n d i n g s o f t h i s r e s e a r c h i n d i c a t e t h a t t h e r e i s a complex system o f meaning d e t a i l e d by each o f t h e s t u d y p a r t i c i p a n t s w h i c h impacted on h i s c a r e e r . The development o f a sense o f s e l f w h i c h o t h e r s r e g a r d and a c c e p t i s a c r u c i a l element t o t h a t meaning. Inasmuch as an u n d e r s t a n d i n g e r o t i c r e s p o n s e t o members o f t h e same sex i s a p a r t o f t h e personhood, i t i s a l s o a c o n s t i t u e n t p a r t o f t h e i n d i v i d u a l r e q u i r i n g a c c e p t a n c e w i t h i n t h e s o c i a l c o n t e x t o f work. T h i s s e l f i d e n t i t y w h i c h encompasses t h e homosexual's d e s i r e s becomes t h e i n t e r p r e t i v e schema by w h i c h e v e n t s a f f e c t i n g t h e c a r e e r a r e u n d e r s t o o d by t h e homosexual i n d i v i d u a l . The p r o c e s s o f coming t o terms w i t h one's homosexual o r i e n t a t i o n e v o l v e s o v e r t i m e . The f i n d i n g s o f t h i s s t u d y i n d i c a t e d t h a t t h e d e t e r m i n a t i o n o f one's c a r e e r i s a dynamic p r o c e s s as w e l l . The r e l a t i o n s h i p between t h e s e two p r o c e s s e s i s based on t h e meaning s t r u c t u r e t h e i n d i v i d u a l h o l d s and i s complex and v a r i a b l e . When p l a c e d i n work e n v i r o n m e n t s w h i c h d i d n o t p r o v i d e v a l i d a t i o n f o r t h e i n d i v i d u a l ' s i d e n t i t y , p a r t i c i p a n t s f e l t i l l a t ease and i n t e r p r e t e d e v e n t s t o be a p e r s o n a l r e j e c t i o n . The p e r s o n a l i d e n t i f i c a t i o n o f a homosexual o r i e n t a t i o n by t h e p a r t i c i p a n t s was d e t e r m i n e d t o be a p r e c o n d i t i o n o f a v a r i e t y o f s i t u a t i o n s a t work b e i n g i n t e r p r e t e d as n e g a t i v e . The subsequent e m o t i o n a l s t a t e , d e s i g n a t e d by t h e n a r r a t o r s as a c r i s i s , p r e c e d e d c a r e e r change. F o r s t u d y 81 p a r t i c i p a n t s , t h e e v e n t u a l e n d p o i n t o f t h e i r s t o r i e s was t h e s e l e c t i o n o f a c a r e e r w h i c h combined t h e freedom t o e x p r e s s t h e m s e l v e s and a modicum o f s o c i a l a p p r o v a l . A p i v o t a l f e a t u r e i n t h e d e c i s i o n making o f t h e gay men p a r t i c i p a t i n g i n t h e s t u d y was t h e i n d i c a t i o n o f a " c r i s i s " p r i o r t o any s h i f t i n t h e c a r e e r p r o c e s s . T h i s was c o n s t r u e d as a n e g a t i v e e m o t i o n a l s t a t e , i n d i c a t i n g an impending change i n t h e n a r r a t o r ' s s i t u a t i o n . T h i s i n v e s t i g a t i o n found t h a t t h e c r i s i s o c c u r r e d when t h e s i t u a t i o n j e o p a r d i z e d t h e n a r r a t o r ' s sense o f h i m s e l f and d e c r e a s e d h i s f e e l i n g o f competence i n c a r r y i n g out h i s work t a s k s . The c r i s i s was a s s o c i a t e d w i t h an i m p r e s s i o n o f b e i n g r e j e c t e d o r f e e l i n g a l i e n a t e d . The d i s t r e s s was c o n s i d e r e d t h e p r o d r o m a l s t a t e s i g n i f y i n g a need f o r c a r e e r change. The m u l t i f a c e t e d s o c i a l f a c t o r s w h i c h a r e i n t e r p r e t e d as a f f i r m i n g o r r e j e c t i n g o f c a r e e r c h o i c e s were a l s o d i s c u s s e d i n t h e n a r r a t i v e d i s c o u r s e a n a l y z e d . S e x u a l harassment, f a l s e d i s c l o s u r e s , r o l e models who f a i l e d t o r e p r e s e n t t h e v a l u e s o f t h e p r o t e g e , and d i f f i c u l t y o f o b t a i n i n g a j o b were a l l s o u r c e s o f n e g a t i v e feedback i n f l u e n c i n g c a r e e r s e l e c t i o n s . P o s i t i v e r o l e models who embodied f e a t u r e s and v a l u e s o f t h e p r o t e g e and p l a c e s o f work w h i c h endorsed homosexual o r i e n t a t i o n s were c o n s i d e r e d more p o s i t i v e l y and i n f l u e n c e d t h e d e c i s i o n a l p r o c e s s . I n f a c t , t h e n a r r a t i v e s d i s c u s s e d i n t h i s r e s e a r c h s u g g e s t t h a t i n d i v i d u a l s seek mentors who w i l l r e p r e s e n t t h e i r a s p i r a t i o n s and p r o v i d e a g u i d e b o t h f o r p e r s o n a l and p r o f e s s i o n a l growth. 82 T h e o r e t i c a l I m p l i c a t i o n s The impact o f a p e r s o n ' s c o n s t r u c t i o n o f meaning i s a c r i t i c a l component i n t h e development o f a model o f c a r e e r d e c i s i o n making. The i n c o r p o r a t i o n o f an u n d e r s t a n d i n g o f t h e r o l e o f p e r s o n a l meaning i n t o a d e c i s i o n making model must r e p r e s e n t t h e dynamic i n t e r r e l a t i o n s h i p among s o c i a l , c u l t u r a l and d e v e l o p m e n t a l f a c t o r s . The i m p l i c a t i o n o f t h i s s t u d y s u g g e s t s t h a t t h e i n c l u s i o n o f t h e development and maintenance o f i d e n t i t y , i n c l u d i n g t h e n o t i o n o f s e x u a l o r i e n t a t i o n , i s p e r t i n e n t t o t h e o r e t i c a l m o d e l i n g i n t h e c a r e e r c o u n s e l l i n g f i e l d . T h i s s t u d y a d d i t i o n a l l y i n d i c a t e s t h e f u n c t i o n and n a t u r e o f mentors i s an i m p o r t a n t c o n s i d e r a t i o n i n c a r e e r development. Mentors p r o v i d e an abundant s o u r c e o f i n f o r m a t i o n t o a p r o t e g e b o t h w i t h r e s p e c t t o g i v e n j o b performance a b i l i t i e s and s o c i a l i n t e r a c t i o n . As a s o u r c e o f r e i n f o r c e m e n t and a f f i r m a t i o n , t h e mentor i s a major agent i n t h e d e c i s i o n making p r o c e s s o f t h e p r o t e g e . The r e l a t i o n s h i p and i t s c o n s t r u e d i m p o r t a n c e t o t h e p r o t e g e p r o v i d e an o p p o r t u n i t y f o r e m o t i o n a l s t a b i l i t y i n c r i s i s e v o k i n g s i t u a t i o n s . The c o r o l l a r y , t h a t t h e d e s t r u c t i o n o f t h e r e l a t i o n s h i p e f f e c t s e m o t i o n a l i n s t a b i l i t y and augments d i f f i c u l t c i r c u m s t a n c e s a t work, i s a l s o found. T h i s a s p e c t o f r e l a t i o n s h i p i n t h e work environment i s an i m p o r t a n t c o n s i d e r a t i o n f o r t h e development o f a comprehensive t h e o r y o f c a r e e r as w e l l as a p e r s p e c t i v e on d e c i s i o n a l f a c t o r s . I t i s f a i r t o n o t e t h a t t h e l i m i t e d number o f p a r t i c i p a n t s 83 i n t h i s s t u d y r e s t r i c t s t h e o r e t i c a l g e n e r a l i z a t i o n s t h a t can be drawn from t h i s r e s e a r c h . T h i s i s p a r t i c u l a r l y t h e c a s e as no s a t u r a t i o n o f n a r r a t i v e m a t e r i a l o c c u r r e d w h i c h c o u l d be a p p l i e d t o d e m o n s t r a t e i n t e r n a l c o n s i s t e n c y o f t h e s t u d y . P r a c t i c a l I m p l i c a t i o n s The f i n d i n g s o f t h i s r e s e a r c h have d i r e c t b e a r i n g on c a r e e r c o u n s e l l i n g p r a c t i c e . A n t i c i p a t i o n o f t h e work environment f o r an i n d i v i d u a l w i t h a d e v e l o p i n g o r d e v e l o p e d homosexual i d e n t i t y i s an i m p o r t a n t c o n s i d e r a t i o n i n s u c c e s s f u l j o b p lacement. The r e l a t i o n s h i p s i n t h e work p l a c e and s u p p o r t f o r t h e i n d i v i d u a l have p o t e n t i a l consequences n o t o n l y f o r t h e development o f p e r s o n a l i d e n t i t y b u t a l s o f o r t h e a d j u s t m e n t o f t h e i n d i v i d u a l w i t h i n t h a t c a r e e r . C o u n s e l l o r s need t o e x p l o r e t h e a n t i c i p a t i o n o f t h e s o c i a l a s p e c t s o f work c l e a r l y w i t h c l i e n t s as an element r e l e v a n t t o d e c i s i o n making. I t i s a l s o c r i t i c a l t o i n c l u d e t h e d i s c u s s i o n o f t h e major r o l e models a c t i n g t o i n f l u e n c e t h e d e c i s i o n making p r o c e s s . W h i l e no one can be t h o u g h t t o a c t i n an e n t i r e l y i ndependent manner, an awareness o f key p l a y e r s may a s s i s t an i n d i v i d u a l i n becoming aware o f t h e i n f l u e n c e o f r e l a t i o n s h i p s on t h e i r d e c i s i o n as w e l l as t h e v a r i o u s t y p e s o f r e i n f o r c e m e n t t h e y can a n t i c i p a t e . The c o u n s e l l o r may a l s o be a b l e t o a s s i s t t h e c l i e n t i n making a comprehensive s e a r c h f o r a mentor who a d e q u a t e l y r e p r e s e n t s t h e i r v a l u e s , t h e r e b y c i r c u m v e n t i n g any n e g a t i v e impact o f f a i l e d m e n t o r s h i p s . C o u n s e l l o r s may a l s o 84 c o n s i d e r m e n t o r s h i p programs t o f a c i l i t a t e o t h e r a r e a s o f p e r s o n a l development. The f i n a l a r e a o f p r a c t i c a l i m p l i c a t i o n s f o r c a r e e r c o u n s e l l i n g w h i c h can be drawn from t h i s s t u d y i s t h e impact o f c r i s i s s t a t e s on d e c i s i o n making. As a c e n t r a l f e a t u r e i n change, e x p l o r i n g t h e a n t e c e d e n t s o f c r i s i s , b o t h t h e commitment t o b e i n g as w e l l as t h e s i t u a t i o n a l d e t e r m i n a n t s , may p r o v i d e v a l u a b l e i n f o r m a t i o n f o r t h e c l i e n t and f a c i l i t a t e f u t u r e d e c i s i o n making. C r i s i s may be r e f r a m e d f o r t h e c l i e n t i n a more p o s i t i v e l i g h t as an i n d i c a t i o n o f a commitment t o p e r s o n a l i d e n t i t y t h e r e b y f a c i l i t a t i n g c o p i n g i n t h e c a r e e r change p r o c e s s . I m p l i c a t i o n s f o r f u t u r e r e s e a r c h There a r e a h o s t o f r e s e a r c h i m p l i c a t i o n s w h i c h can be drawn from t h i s s t u d y . The n a t u r e and q u a l i t i e s o f e f f e c t i v e m e n t o r s h i p f o r gay men d u r i n g t h e c o u r s e o f t h e i r c a r e e r may need t o be e x p l o r e d more f u l l y . The r o l e o f t h e mentors i n f a c i l i t a t i n g t h e a d j u s t m e n t t o a homosexual i d e n t i t y and programs i n w h i c h t h i s c o u l d be s u c c e s s f u l l y employed may a l s o p r o v i d e v a l u a b l e i n f o r m a t i o n t o t h e f i e l d o f a d u l t development and c o u n s e l l i n g . R e s e a r c h e x p l o r i n g t h e r e l a t i o n s h i p between gay s e l f -a c c e p t a n c e and c a r e e r s t a b i l i t y would have i m p l i c a t i o n s n o t o n l y f o r c a r e e r c o u n s e l l i n g b u t a l s o f o r an economic a n a l y s i s o f homosexual i d e n t i t i e s . The q u e s t i o n o f t h e impact o f d e c i d i n g t o 85 p a s s as a h e t e r o s e x u a l a t work on c a r e e r development and whether t h i s d i f f e r s from t h e way a s e l f - d i s c l o s e d gay man makes c a r e e r s h i f t s i s an a r e a o f f u t u r e r e s e a r c h e x t e n d i n g from t h e p r e s e n t i n q u i r y . A comprehensive q u a l i t a t i v e a n a l y s i s o f t h e c a r e e r n a r r a t i v e s o f gay men may s e r v e t o i l l u m i n a t e t h e development o f a gay i d e n t i t y as w e l l as t h e t r a n s i t i o n a l p r o c e s s between r e a l i z i n g t h e i d e n t i t y and r e v e a l i n g i t t o o t h e r s . I t may a l s o be o f i n t e r e s t t o c a r e e r development t h e o r y t o e s t a b l i s h t h e impact o f b e i n g i n f e c t e d w i t h t h e Human Immunodeficiency V i r u s o r h a v i n g an AIDS d i a g n o s i s on t h e c a r e e r d e c i s i o n s o f gay men As a r e s u l t o f t h e p r e s e n t r e s e a r c h , q u e s t i o n s p e r t a i n i n g t o t h e i n c i d e n c e and r e p e r c u s s i o n s o f s e x u a l harassment f o r men a t work s h o u l d a l s o come t o l i g h t . The v a r i o u s meanings t h a t s e x u a l harassment may have f o r men and t h e c o p i n g mechanisms employed a r e p o s s i b l e a r e a s f o r f u t u r e i n q u i r y . These a r e q u e s t i o n s w a r r a n t i n g f u r t h e r i n v e s t i g a t i o n t o p r o v i d e b o t h c l i n i c a l and s c i e n t i f i c i n f o r m a t i o n . Summary T h i s r e s e a r c h was conducted t o e x p l o r e t h e e x p e r i e n c e o f a homosexual i d e n t i t y i n t h e c a r e e r development o f t h r e e s e l f -i d e n t i f i e d gay men. Through an a n a l y s i s o f t h e n a r r a t i v e s o f t h e s t u d y p a r t i c i p a n t s , t h e u n i q u e c o n t e x t s o f each i n d i v i d u a l and t h e meaning s t r u c t u r e s t h e i n d i v i d u a l has f o r t h o s e d e c i s i o n s w i t h i n t h e c o n t e x t s was d i s c u s s e d . The p e r t i n e n c e o f t h i s l i n e o f i n q u i r y was t o e s t a b l i s h t h e p a r t i c u l a r e x p e r i e n c e s o f t h r e e 86 gay man i n t h e dynamic p r o c e s s o f d e t e r m i n i n g t h e i r c a r e e r . The e s t a b l i s h m e n t o f p e r s o n a l meaning t o i n t e r p r e t t h e s o c i a l c o n t e x t o f work and make a s s o c i a t e d c a r e e r d e c i s i o n s has r e l e v a n c e t o b o t h t h e o r e t i c a l and p r a c t i c a l c o n c e r n s o f c a r e e r c o u n s e l l i n g . 87 BIBLIOGRAPHY A c o s t a , F. (1975). E t i o l o g y and t r e a t m e n t o f h o m o s e x u a l i t y : A r e v i e w . J o u r n a l o f S e x u a l B e h a v i o u r . 4 ( 1 ) . 9-29. Adelman, M.R. (1977). A comparison o f p r o f e s s i o n a l l y employed L e s b i a n s and h e t e r o s e x u a l women on t h e MMPI. A r c h i v e s o f  S e x u a l B e h a v i o u r . 6 ( 3 ) , 193-200. Adam, B.B. (1981). 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